WHISPERING WOODS, NM — In an unprecedented move, the Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods and the Great Council of Bone Sorceresses Supreme held a press conference this evening. The Fairy Queen was not present, as she does not exist.
Speaking to reporters, the Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods confirmed what many in the occult community have long suspected.
"Once we dwelt in a world of magic and wonder, awash in the arcana of mighty enchanters who bestrode this world even unto the Before Times," the Wise Witch explained, her beautiful voice met in perfect harmony by the chirps and warbling of birds from nearby branches. "To cast a spell was to join a never-ending chorus that dwelt in every corner and hollow of the earth, to add a fragment to a song that resounded throughout the cosmos.
"But in this very year, one accursed cult completed a rite we believe was centuries in the making. The magic woven into our world guided and empowered, but it also placed limits — limits the Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler were unwilling to abide. By all rights, when Donald Trump was slain by the great and cunning artifice of former Republican hopeful Ben Carson, it should have been his final end. No man or beast should ever have risen again from the phenomenal, intricate curse Mr. Carson invoked. So the Celebrants reached out their greedy hands and shattered the very whole of magic that stood in their way."
"Ours was once a world of wonder," the Fairy Queen then interjected. "But the great magic the Celebrants broke loose took with it every spell built upon it. Like a mighty tower bereft of its foundation, magic crumbled, shattering enchantments that were once as physical law in their absoluteness. Seven hundred REDACTED years of history, undone in one selfish moment, merely to bring one Donald Trump — now revealed as the Yellow Defiler long spoken of in prophecy — back into the world of the living."
"Together with my dear friend here, who does not exist," the Wise Witch continued, the sweet, musical lilt of her words causing flowers to bloom out of season and trees to bear bright, wondrous fruits, "we have been working to rebuild here what we can of the old world. To secure the future of the Whispering Woods, and make them into a sanctuary where at least a fragment of the Old Law still holds true."
"But that is not why we are here today," said the Fairy Queen, whom reporters noted did not exist, handing her microphone (later determined to be a very agitated chipmunk under a fairy glamour) to Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight, unquestioned and unquestionable sovereign of Oregon City, OR.
"We quickly discovered after the Celebrants' vile rite," Lady Overblight intoned, her voice cracking like a whip of thunder and causing many present to fall involuntarily to their knees in worshipful awe and terror, "that epic necromantic rituals could no longer raise the dead. Many hard-working necromancers have worked tirelessly to uncover the reason behind this change, and today, possibly the greatest living necromancer of our time finally discovered the truth."
"The dead are not where they once were," proclaimed Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange, Deathless Dominarch of Green Bay, WI, her voice resounding through the trees and boring deep into reporters' souls, mocking their petty achievements and impressing upon them the abject futility of resisting her immortal will. "The Gate is thrown wide, and the Heavens have emptied. Whether the trillions of the dead seek as one to return to mortal life, or have departed for an altogether more abstract existence, seventeen thousand of my subordinate mindforms are currently investigating. As of yet, we have no answer."
"We owe a tremendous debt to Paula West, a lifelong advocate for working-class necromancers and most recently the founder and head of the union International Necromancers of the World," the Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods murmured softly, the weight of her words causing does and bears alike to draw close around the clearing and bow their heads in reverential respect. "Ms. West made a great sacrifice to discover this information, and it is unknown if she will ever wake from the coma she now lies in."
"To be blunt," said Lady Overblight, producing bruises upon the spiritually weaker reporters present, "we don't know what comes next. None now living remember a world before the Great Magicks were sown into its soil, and none now dead can be drawn to Earth for counsel. The world has been thrown into a great and perilous tumult, especially with the decision of the Old Forest to break its pact and desert America entirelt, bringing the once-distant threat of the Iron Times far nearer. The combined forces of the arcane world are scattered to the winds, repairing unquantifiable levels of damage, and fighting a desperate battle to hold at bay the many forces that would quench our way of life like a mailed fist upon a candle-flame.
"But," she added, and the assembled reporters, who had as one broken down weeping at the seeming desolation of the future, looked up quickly, despair replaced by sudden manic hope, "all is not yet lost. Against the Iron Times, we have found a formidable ally in Charles J. Bloodhorn, who is directing the full resources of Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities and the vast majority of his immense personal power to hold fast the weakening supports of our epoch. We are particularly moved by his decision to temporarily suspend his campaign for absolute world domination until the present crisis is resolved, and I for one have followed his example. The time for unity is now; the time for backstabbing, betrayal, and outright war will come once the world's wounds have healed."
The Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods then offered reporters tea and took questions. All who drank of the tea fell immediately into a deep slumber and were gently borne away by forest animals, waking days later in their childhood homes and having dreamed of many things they would regret dying without accomplishing.
The Fairy Queen vehemently denied Illuminati involvement in reconstruction, denouncing the Inner Council as "a bunch of REDACTEDs," and pointing out that she does not, in fact, exist, which reporters could not deny. Pressed for comment on her qualifications as a forensic sorcerer, Lady Thunderflange fixed reporters with a steely gaze that caused many to flee in terror and set several on fire. Asked if the Whispering Woods would reach out to the Vermont Dreadlords for aid, the Wise Witch demurred, saying only that "no course of action has yet been conclusively ruled out."
This press conferences marks the first time the Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods has directly reached out to the media. In addition, the appearance of the Fairy Queen at the press conference was particularly remarkable, as the Lands of Fairy withdrew from our world shortly after Trump's resurrection at the Republican convention — especially given the fact that she does not exist.
At press time, a chipmunk wrapped in audio cables was attempting to crawl into an anchorwoman's lapel during a live broadcast.
Samekh Samadrael is Approved News 6's death correspondent. Found wandering the Ash Wastes of the Forsaken Lands in a time beyond time and seemingly immortal, Samadrael has witnessed the rise and fall of countless empires, the shifting continents in their endless dance, and the birth and death of the very galaxies themselves. They graduated in 1893 from the [REDACTED] School of Journalism and live in Washington, D.C., awaiting something they have refused to explain, but which may at long last be drawing near.