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"There is a Form of Pain That Will Push Even the Strongest of Men to Immediate Suicide;" "Imagine That Pain Persist… https://t.co/C2h4zsK7xG
Wed Mar 21 17:33:24 +0000 2018
Seven Excruciating New Lifehacks That Will Wow Your Mortician
Wed Mar 21 17:21:55 +0000 2018
Scientists Call Press Conference, Spray Crowd With Hallucinogens While Laughing Wildly
Wed Mar 21 15:44:50 +0000 2018
New Study: America's Top Hobbies "Defying the Orb," "
REDACTED
," "Fentanyl Smuggling," & "Incest"
Wed Mar 21 13:23:12 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY | Sponsored by the Nameless Corporation in the Ruins of New York https://t.co/xnFpmfP8gr
Wed Mar 21 07:40:03 +0000 2018
Trump Dodges Press Questioning by Melting into Small Puddle, Oozing Away Into Cavernous Sewers of White House
Wed Mar 21 07:30:58 +0000 2018
how i imagine @ApprovedNews5 broadcasts look. unfortunately my tv does not have a channel five, & furthermore i do… https://t.co/KvGrZpztRy
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Mar 21 07:29:33 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/YsKgUJSxqw
Wed Mar 21 02:26:17 +0000 2018
Winged Celestial Paragon of Love, Mercy, Light, & Healing Slain by Police Officer "Was No Angel," Say Pundits
Tue Mar 20 21:51:00 +0000 2018
High on Illegal Antipsychotics, Florida Man Creates "Impossible Object" Out of Shopping Carts, Rotting Phone Books, and Used Needles
Tue Mar 20 20:21:54 +0000 2018
Trump Orders White House Exterior "Painted in Dog Blood" With "Visions of Impossible Sin" as Ward Against "All Saintly Powers"
Tue Mar 20 17:40:15 +0000 2018
White House: "Be Prepared to Experience A Brief Tingling Sensation"
Tue Mar 20 04:51:03 +0000 2018
Woman Slaughtered by Unthinking Machine "Was No Angel," Say Sources
Tue Mar 20 02:06:34 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/MU7YJUicNy
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 17 02:33:05 +0000 2018
Under West Coast's More "Laid-Back" Drug Programs, Citizens May Undergo Voluntary Weekly Panels in Exchange for "Ten Points"
Fri Mar 16 06:32:08 +0000 2018
Boulder Legislators: "First-Time Offenders" May Receive Diversion to Mandatory Diet Coaching, Soul Therapy at Judge's Discretion
Fri Mar 16 06:10:37 +0000 2018
RELATED: Beginning in April, Boulder, CO Residents Who Fail Screenings at Random Gluten Checkpoints May Be Subject to Deportation
Fri Mar 16 06:08:02 +0000 2018
Pressed on Privacy Concerns by Civil Liberty Activists, City Councilors Assure Reporters Law Allows for Strip Searc… https://t.co/8Q14Ufusl4
Fri Mar 16 06:05:39 +0000 2018
Citing Teenage Anarchist's Drunken Tweets, DC City Council Passes New Law Requiring Residents to Undergo Full-Body… https://t.co/2a9hn6om5s
Fri Mar 16 06:01:59 +0000 2018
@northern_terror #NeoStrebulitesSoRauphine
— @KateMichaels42
Fri Mar 16 05:53:50 +0000 2018
@KateMichaels42 OTOH: https://t.co/29tz7gM15A
— @northern_terror
Fri Mar 16 05:53:44 +0000 2018
#SeckwindleSoGrobblist https://t.co/8t8vSVINWA
— @KateMichaels42
Fri Mar 16 05:53:37 +0000 2018
PSA: See Something? Say Something! Nominate it for "Something of the Week" at https://t.co/rVu4g1pLP5. Last Week's… https://t.co/Ym6vocN7RK
Fri Mar 16 05:21:09 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 @NorWesternCrow Thank you. Nobody remembers the importance of the Mastrophons at all, much less the Claculist.
— @substitute
Thu Mar 15 23:49:14 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Same old argument, time after time.
— @neil_pettifer
Thu Mar 15 23:29:30 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Neo-Strebulites are the Most Rauphine Fraskdrath that Uckintly Saminize the Shuphenk Dersemordle of S… https://t.co/uRETp0hVFF
Thu Mar 15 23:23:35 +0000 2018
OPINION:
We Need to Re-Phlagulize the Slebnord Before the Grobblist Seckwindle Strebulates the Nagbrind of Claculism
Thu Mar 15 23:18:21 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Weird & Wacky: https://t.co/KevZAn25xc
— @shurimon
Thu Mar 15 22:48:22 +0000 2018
Staff Dispatched from White House in Windowless Van to Acquire "Groceries;" Resulting Elephant Stampede Prompts Eva… https://t.co/oZpiPbf3Wa
Thu Mar 15 22:47:59 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Unless one of them is a sex tape I'm not interested
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Mar 15 22:45:12 +0000 2018
Experts: Have You Tried Unplugging It?
Tue Mar 13 15:36:23 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: When You Have Questions, You Need Answers! Try— https://t.co/NSLNrgah6z
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Mar 12 10:42:27 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 NEW STUDY: https://t.co/wi6Zdj8YdF
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Mar 12 10:42:20 +0000 2018
Twitter Begins Ritual Suspension of Accounts With Tweets Containing the Seven Secret Phrases Proscribed by the Prop… https://t.co/icOy9HBqI5
Sun Mar 11 03:16:09 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/JjuOxLeSSS
Sat Mar 10 18:41:16 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/eN9x15MDMB
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 10 05:41:30 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/uQ5K4nKDPK
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 10 05:41:27 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 PUNDITS: These Newfangled "Video Games" Are Encouraging Illicit Hugging, Unwholesome Thoughts https://t.co/Q4cyoi1Yhl
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 10 05:41:21 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/mYilbeIjNI
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 10 05:41:15 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yPbW3S1lRG
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Mar 10 04:35:16 +0000 2018
PSA: Protect American Nuclear Secrets — Encrypt Your Prayers!
Fri Mar 09 23:08:07 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/WzAJCTfP9D
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Mar 09 21:30:55 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 WEIRD & WACKY: https://t.co/6qedXgDNmg
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Mar 09 21:30:43 +0000 2018
Trump Announces Formation of "Freedom Police" With Unspecified Powers, Comprised of Seven Hundred Men in Black Robe… https://t.co/fm0CFqwqaS
Fri Mar 09 19:47:05 +0000 2018
READ NOW: Seven Eerie Links Between the Great Golden Beast & the Angel of Chains No Seers Can Explain
Fri Mar 09 19:42:46 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Sturmholz, Bloodied & Wrathful, Having Barely Escaped With Her Life, Vows "Vengeance the Likes… https://t.co/usZxMQo1oG
Fri Mar 09 19:38:42 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
With Unexpected Aid from State Secretary of Death Maximilian Krankenschlacht & His Ensorcellwd Army of Mi… https://t.co/beXeJWX0LH
Fri Mar 09 19:34:16 +0000 2018
How Hug-Testing Welfare Recipients Could Disproportionately Impact People of Color
Fri Mar 09 19:04:53 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Bleed For My Glory, Insect
Fri Mar 09 19:03:36 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 #6 - Stylish But Peripheral-Vision-Limiting New Hat
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Mar 09 17:58:16 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 ...huh. Never thought I would agree with Ann Coulter on something.
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Mar 09 17:58:07 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/6pHTJfRQiX
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Mar 09 17:58:01 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/vRO4PIHf3t
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Mar 09 17:57:12 +0000 2018
The Codex Salamandrium Won't Save You Now
Fri Mar 09 07:10:35 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/zXUQbCRXRV
Fri Mar 09 04:31:02 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 This situation demands a bigger, harder response.
— @gilmourtaylor
Fri Mar 09 01:05:41 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 9 Reasons You're Doomed Even If You Do
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Mar 09 01:04:53 +0000 2018
@NorWesternCrow @surly_squirrel @ApprovedNews6 #8 is the best surprise of all.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Mar 09 01:02:33 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Meddling Further in a Developing Cuntry's Internal Affairs Can Only Worsen the Situation
Thu Mar 08 17:58:50 +0000 2018
OPINION:
The So-Called Erotican "Repubic" is a Nation of Vore Criminals, Thugs, and Tinpot Dicktators — Americock's… https://t.co/1l9fmRG4nt
Thu Mar 08 17:55:57 +0000 2018
7 Reasons You'll Never See It Coming
Thu Mar 08 17:36:53 +0000 2018
BREAKING: cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/72XA6mA5st
— @rabcyr_alt
Thu Mar 08 15:05:35 +0000 2018
"I Killed Ten Thousand Men in the War, You Know," "I Didn't Use a Gun, I Didn't Use a Knife," "It Made Me Strong, S… https://t.co/cRUZW6urEo
Thu Mar 08 15:04:42 +0000 2018
Ann Coulter Faces Criticism After Describing Humans as "Frail Meat Things" that "Stink of Serotonin" & "Don't Have Enough Souls"
Wed Mar 07 21:32:26 +0000 2018
Contaminated Batch of Nutrient Slurry Blamed in Thousands of Cases of Blood-Madness; Pressed for Comment, Nameless… https://t.co/xtAb6ehWPd
Wed Mar 07 18:55:58 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 When reached for comment, Hooligan Association representative F. Uckerman responded: "They can shove… https://t.co/QyRRxCdJTm
— @LadySmaug
Wed Mar 07 17:41:36 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 #MondayMotivation https://t.co/nRMyTFCtc7
— @shurimon
Wed Mar 07 17:27:49 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 I mean, the kids have to learn about skulls somewhere... When you get down to it, this is really a f… https://t.co/Su0TDty5aY
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Mar 07 17:26:37 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 This is why I never leave my manor without my two earplug-manservants at my side, each of them with… https://t.co/r9VyGbXKXH
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Mar 07 17:26:31 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/36sjNE3xtx
— @nuts_y_gum
Wed Mar 07 17:26:13 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Nw3esPLVoi
— @FioraAeterna
Wed Mar 07 17:13:08 +0000 2018
Mysteries of the Moo-crobiome: Could Tweaking Cow Gut Bugs Improve Porsche Mission E?
— @TwoHeadlines
Tue Mar 06 17:24:43 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 "Make your vagina the grave of his faith in any fundamental purpose that might underlie the superfic… https://t.co/mvq9DtPice
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Mar 06 06:20:20 +0000 2018
why is this not MANDATORY READING https://t.co/I66t8F8qIz
— @aaron_the_king
Mon Mar 05 23:45:05 +0000 2018
West Virginia School Bans "Slime & Punishment" From School Library Citing Infamous Deworming Scene; Literature Teachers Outraged
Mon Mar 05 23:33:18 +0000 2018
Pressed to Explain His Failure to Appear Before the Altar of Blades at Flaying Hour for Weekly Presidential Rite of… https://t.co/GD2WG6Og8P
Mon Mar 05 23:26:28 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 That's an awfully tame way to note that he pals around with the high level skeltons who drive skull buses into children.
— @listelian
Mon Mar 05 23:20:43 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Trump is Not Doing Enough to Protect Our Children from the Skull Buses
Mon Mar 05 19:34:44 +0000 2018
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Announces New "Luxury" Series of Water Products Guaranteed Free of Hydrochloric Acid, Fentanyl
Mon Mar 05 19:26:34 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: https://t.co/zZLw3n6wPL
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Mar 05 17:37:54 +0000 2018
"North American Grizzlies Like Pope Francis and Her Cubs Offer an Untapped Source of Fresh Biomass for The One Who… https://t.co/JUEniFQ95F
Sun Mar 04 23:16:13 +0000 2018
This Unconventional New Startup is Going to Clone the Pope
Sun Mar 04 23:11:43 +0000 2018
"Wake Up, Sheeple!" Man Dragged Out of National Cathedral by Men in Black Suits, Eyeglasses While Screaming "Sofas… https://t.co/Uh1zpfVfqf
Sun Mar 04 22:39:59 +0000 2018
SPONSORED: Fuck the Hope Right Out of Him With These Brutal & Demoralizing Sex Moves From Cosmo's Newest Contributo… https://t.co/EcsPWLsloL
Sun Mar 04 22:04:33 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh, the once noble tradition of the word of the day is now advertising space for startups.
— @listelian
Sun Mar 04 22:00:34 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Mb4aMTIqlw
— @shurimon
Sun Mar 04 21:34:35 +0000 2018
Erotican Repubic: President-Erect Imprickated in Humanitarianus Catasstrophe
Sun Mar 04 21:34:27 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/M0hVhDF8Ub
Sun Mar 04 20:37:34 +0000 2018
New Infrastructure Bill Would Fund "Cuss Shelter" Construction on City Streets to Protect "The Refined of Ear" from "Hooligan Vulgarities"
Sat Mar 03 00:51:37 +0000 2018
In Vandalism Case, Court Authorizes McDonald's to Seize Defendant's Lower Back Area as Advertising Space
Fri Mar 02 22:43:06 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 SPORTS: BEEEEEEEES
— @almafeta
Fri Mar 02 07:33:15 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
BEEEEEEES
Fri Mar 02 07:30:26 +0000 2018
OPINION:
WELCOME TO BUG HELL
Fri Mar 02 07:29:43 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 For fuck's sake, let teenagers google "holes filled" and make their own decisions about lust. It wor… https://t.co/8xbNn4qWDH
— @listelian
Fri Mar 02 06:13:55 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Informed Citizen Correctly Endorses Approved News Source, Receives Seven Illuminated Scrolls of Timeless… https://t.co/TFfQNT4kYC
Fri Mar 02 05:46:23 +0000 2018
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Ugh, who can keep track of all these made up words? This is why no one bothers with you!… https://t.co/06Pyl94Dfl
— @Chirurgic
Fri Mar 02 05:43:57 +0000 2018
Seven Creative Things We Just Did With the Still-Living Body of the Intern Who Earlier Today Misused Official Appro… https://t.co/lwMnI3Mrp9
Fri Mar 02 05:39:03 +0000 2018
JUNKIE, not TWEAKER. the tweakers are QUITE well represented, lemme tell you https://t.co/Nu7nzteowK
— @velartrill
Fri Mar 02 05:36:30 +0000 2018
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 As a thief, I've never noticed any problems. Maybe the drugs are just making you paranoid? #snowflakesnowflakes
— @Chirurgic
Fri Mar 02 05:35:57 +0000 2018
personally as a junkie i have been consistently disregarded and mocked at these allegedly "inclusive" crime day cel… https://t.co/cN06C2nzCu
— @velartrill
Fri Mar 02 05:27:05 +0000 2018
The Potion Crisis Worsens as 14% More Americans Admit to Abusing Prescription Elixirs This Year
Fri Mar 02 05:23:52 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 That’s gotta fall under the 27th amendment, right?
— @MonsieurLongIII
Fri Mar 02 04:55:47 +0000 2018
Crook-a-Cola Pulls Out as National Crime Day Sponsor, Citing Complaints of "Pervasive Exclusion" from Junkies, Arsonists, & Cattle Rustlers
Fri Mar 02 04:54:28 +0000 2018
How to Kill Husband With Vagina Poison
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Mar 02 04:01:39 +0000 2018
Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AL) Sponsors Bill to Increase Senators' Weekly Methamphetamine Rations
Fri Mar 02 02:52:36 +0000 2018
Concerned Parents: Teens' "Holes" Must be "Surgically Filled" to Prevent "Lust"
Fri Mar 02 00:00:35 +0000 2018
Eyes Wet With Mirth, Republican Senators Vote to Declare "Welfare" an Inherently Funny Word
Thu Mar 01 23:31:55 +0000 2018
Scientists: "Oops"
Thu Mar 01 23:15:00 +0000 2018
How Ballshevik Cadres Are Changing Politits in the Erotican Repubic
Thu Mar 01 08:03:26 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/OmWLYIixHM
Thu Mar 01 05:43:08 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Spirit Local 666 Chief: Unregulated Free Market Abuses Dead Child Labor in Sweatshop Hauntings
— @Loganchance
Thu Mar 01 04:09:34 +0000 2018
OPINION:
It's Time to Deregulate the Dead
Thu Mar 01 03:59:11 +0000 2018
"Police Are Heroes," Says Local Mayor as Feral Constable Gnaws on His Bleeding Heels
Thu Mar 01 00:22:03 +0000 2018
This Evil Government Monolith is Hovering Over New Orleans Causing Residents to Speak in Tongues and Millennials are HERE For It
Thu Mar 01 00:08:46 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 This is why people hate politicians. Good old-fashioned haruspicy warns them that some stupid law of… https://t.co/LQWjdDazVP
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Feb 28 22:15:53 +0000 2018
International: President-Erect of the Erotican Repubic Dismisses Titty Committee's Clams to Have "Pornographic Evid… https://t.co/gbsmbb6t13
Wed Feb 28 22:04:48 +0000 2018
Why We're Stoked for the Harrowing of the Nameless Swamp
Wed Feb 28 21:25:41 +0000 2018
Experts Question Utility of Proposed Ban on Enchanted Firearms, Runed Bullets
Wed Feb 28 21:21:31 +0000 2018
Anti-Gun Protestors Gather at D.C. Standing Stones, Faces Ritually Smeared with Sap and Hands Full of Moss, to Lay… https://t.co/MfaNmCdMlf
Wed Feb 28 21:18:52 +0000 2018
Krakon Malliphlax, Third Inheritor of the Withering Aspect & Wandering Lord of the Glistening Pinnace, DEMOLISHES Betsy DeVos on Twitter
Wed Feb 28 21:15:31 +0000 2018
Congressional Budget Office Will Now Rely on Omphaloskepsis, Dousing to Determine Financial Impact of Bills: Report
— @ApprovedNews6
Wed Feb 28 19:43:31 +0000 2018
7 Fun, Family-Friendly Places to Find Enemies You'll Never Expect
— @ApprovedNews6
Wed Feb 28 19:43:24 +0000 2018
7 Fun, Family-Friendly Places to Find Enemies You'll Never Expect
Wed Feb 28 13:40:45 +0000 2018
Congressional Budget Office Will Now Rely on Omphaloskepsis, Dousing to Determine Financial Impact of Bills: Report
Wed Feb 28 05:27:56 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Analysts Slowly Adjust Glasses, Narrowing Eyes and Twirling Pencils Between Fingers https://t.co/Zti6fYUDPb
Tue Feb 27 04:32:08 +0000 2018
Analysts: "The American People" https://t.co/hjNsuIO9V7
Tue Feb 27 04:26:31 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 #banassaulttweets
— @ha_aright
Tue Feb 27 03:11:24 +0000 2018
Man Killed by Tweet
Tue Feb 27 02:51:56 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 High school classes ARE anesthesia.
— @prsrved4science
Mon Feb 26 00:14:40 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Unbelievable. I never thought a school in this day and age would be this blasé about dream violence.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Feb 25 23:40:27 +0000 2018
In Renewed Effort to Prevent Mass Shootings, This High School is Requiring All Students to be Placed Under General… https://t.co/wpcxmGoKQi
Sun Feb 25 23:13:41 +0000 2018
@Ok_uhh_yah_sure @you_wouldnt_bot @ApprovedNews6 I would:(
— @anywayslike
Sun Feb 25 19:03:16 +0000 2018
You wouldn't carve a cylinder
— @you_wouldnt_bot
Sun Feb 25 18:20:36 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: I support the bill banning Eschaton abuse
— @jleedev
Sun Feb 25 17:52:38 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Surely Parents, Teachers and [REDACTED] also?
— @insomniacity
Sun Feb 25 17:11:25 +0000 2018
"PHARMAGEDDON:" How the Opioid Crisis Could Trigger the Eschaton and Bring About the End of All Things
Sun Feb 25 04:06:19 +0000 2018
How Radical Cannabism is Destroying Lives, Enslaving Our Children, and Driving A Generation to Witchcraft
Sat Feb 24 23:03:07 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 MAKE AMERICA BLEED AGAIN!!! #MABA
— @jjm6501
Sat Feb 24 20:22:06 +0000 2018
Americans Nationwide Report Receiving Midnight Phone Calls from Enemies They Had Long Ago Slain
Sat Feb 24 20:17:21 +0000 2018
Trump Declares National Day of Blood Vengeance
Sat Feb 24 20:14:50 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4XNlIjl3az
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Feb 24 06:15:12 +0000 2018
Now THERE’S a news headline we don’t see often enough ... https://t.co/7EOuDLKChD
— @jacquidark
Fri Feb 23 18:00:21 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
How — How Could You! You're Mad! MAD!
Fri Feb 23 00:39:10 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Did You Think I Was Bluffing
Fri Feb 23 00:38:33 +0000 2018
Education: Are Our Children Getting Too Many No-Skull Days? We Look at the Evidence, Only on Approved News 6!
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Feb 23 00:38:02 +0000 2018
New Children's Book "Boneyard Biff and the Seventh Plane of Excruciation" Meets Rave Reviews from Parents, Teachers
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Feb 23 00:37:59 +0000 2018
New Children's Book "Boneyard Biff and the Seventh Plane of Excruciation" Meets Rave Reviews from Parents, Teachers
Thu Feb 22 19:53:31 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 ...most of these sound legit but I'm not sure just whacking patients over the head with the Codex sh… https://t.co/8fjxi0nS1F
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Feb 22 09:55:24 +0000 2018
Backstage at Gucci. https://t.co/iG9artiifb
— @DIORSBITCH
Thu Feb 22 09:54:38 +0000 2018
Education: Are Our Children Getting Too Many No-Skull Days? We Look at the Evidence, Only on Approved News 6!
Thu Feb 22 09:23:13 +0000 2018
This New Drug is Menacing the Flesh Purity of Children Nationwide — You Won't Believe Who It's Made Of
Thu Feb 22 07:53:19 +0000 2018
Mathematicians: "The Number 'Five' Does Not, And Cannot, Exist" https://t.co/uR2KI19DxP
Thu Feb 22 05:26:08 +0000 2018
Gotta say, the "Dear Rosemary" column in @ApprovedNews6 sure has helped keeping the romance alive and screaming. https://t.co/FTOqhuJ6x1
— @Electro_Shaman
Thu Feb 22 02:49:23 +0000 2018
7 Breakthroughs in Anesthesiolomancy that Could Never Have Happened Without the Codex Salamandrium
Wed Feb 21 21:06:59 +0000 2018
Steve Bannon to Leave the Children Alone
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Feb 21 20:09:25 +0000 2018
lets goooooooo https://t.co/LiLszzWv70 https://t.co/D2MrKEuhRC
— @camjwolf
Wed Feb 21 20:08:59 +0000 2018
Russia admits dozens of Russian casualties in Apple battle
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Feb 21 02:10:28 +0000 2018
LIFESTYLE: Four Fun & Creative Summer Projects You Can Do With Just Some Spare Tendons and a Bit of Chanting!
Wed Feb 21 01:42:14 +0000 2018
please. after 24 years of abuse and loneliness and years of poverty, i am so close to finding a way out, a way to b… https://t.co/krrKtufWSy
— @velartrill
Wed Feb 21 01:41:10 +0000 2018
$129 more per month and i will just barely be able to afford Seattle. come on guys, you've gotten me this far. don'… https://t.co/saEEcVVnRH
— @velartrill
Wed Feb 21 01:40:55 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
I Am the LORD Your God, the Alpha and the Omega — I Am That I Am
Wed Feb 21 00:41:03 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Who Do You Think You Are
Wed Feb 21 00:39:56 +0000 2018
READ NOW: Four Signs You Might Be Addicted to "Weed" — Even If You've Never Used It!
Tue Feb 20 23:42:28 +0000 2018
WEIRD AND WACKY: Bone Sorceress Supreme Pessima Bladewight Demands Duel to the Death With Mysterious Bearer of the… https://t.co/Fy61ztJK5F
Tue Feb 20 11:50:11 +0000 2018
You Have Been Added to "The Scream List"
Tue Feb 20 11:32:00 +0000 2018
Theresa May: "Don't Call Me A Centrist Dad" #TheresaMay https://t.co/9LjanVfSdO
— @clickbaitrobot
Tue Feb 20 08:09:09 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Threefold Alignment of the Seven Silent Stars "Imminent," Say Astrologers; Portends "Auspicious Time" for… https://t.co/WoSYTFNzcO
Tue Feb 20 07:58:31 +0000 2018
CONTREPOINT: Comment Les Partisans de la France Aimée Vont Vous Tirer du Nez National, Putains et Connards
Tue Feb 20 07:46:26 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Why We've Conquered Paris
Tue Feb 20 07:42:57 +0000 2018
you'd also be getting an unpublished short story for @substation77, about the Chairwoman, her past, and Experimenta… https://t.co/pMAthBhO8g
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 20 03:26:53 +0000 2018
it might be years before these ever get published, so if you want to read them now, be the person who puts me over… https://t.co/coi8FT4kt6
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 20 03:26:46 +0000 2018
sneak peak at what you'd be getting: https://t.co/SOcaPFoQic
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 20 03:26:40 +0000 2018
(https://t.co/gW8TwJuLn4)
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 20 03:26:35 +0000 2018
https://t.co/76qHXTXxht i only need $185 more in pledges. whoever's pledge puts me over the top will get an email… https://t.co/RpWwwrfDn8
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 20 03:26:29 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Oh Yeah? OH YEAH?
Tue Feb 20 01:46:26 +0000 2018
OPINION:
When I'm Through With You, Not Even God Will Be Able to Put You Back Together
Tue Feb 20 01:44:43 +0000 2018
Why We Can't Stop Crying Over This Time-Lapse Video of Seal Feces
Mon Feb 19 21:54:11 +0000 2018
PROPHECY: Blind Seers of the Unseen Church of the Sightless Eye Predict "Great Ontology Catastrophe" in Less Than 7 Years
Mon Feb 19 21:51:58 +0000 2018
7 Signs Your Teenage Daughter May Be Afflicted by "The Urge"
Mon Feb 19 21:44:49 +0000 2018
Approached for Comment by Reporters, Detectives Stalking Newslord 7 Through Washington Border-Wilds, Wearing Empty… https://t.co/J49xHxWmp5
Mon Feb 19 21:38:42 +0000 2018
Thousands Missing, Feared Dead, Say State Officials; Half of Tampa "In Ruins"
Mon Feb 19 21:32:19 +0000 2018
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Florida Man Has Opinion
Mon Feb 19 21:28:06 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Republicans Pass Emergency Bill Forbidding Use of the Infallible Process of Oneiromancy by Congressional Budget Office
Mon Feb 19 20:44:28 +0000 2018
Congressional Budget Office Predicts $1.3 Trillion Deficit Through the Infallible Process of Oneiromancy
Mon Feb 19 20:43:28 +0000 2018
OPINION:
We Need to Address the Shocking Pay Gap Between Male & Female Slavers
Mon Feb 19 20:42:05 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Man Has Opinion
Mon Feb 19 19:46:58 +0000 2018
EXCLUSIVE: Newslord 7, Having Sold Both of Her Personal Assault Helicopters For Well Below Their Market Value, Make… https://t.co/hFbCL0mllR
Mon Feb 19 19:45:06 +0000 2018
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) Introduces Bill to Reinstate 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Mon Feb 19 19:39:09 +0000 2018
ALTERNATE HEADLINE: approximately 3 out of every 4 Americans do not want anyone in power who will actually do anyth… https://t.co/cTNx8eqefM
— @cg_marcato
Mon Feb 19 16:53:09 +0000 2018
EXCLUSIVE: We Interview Newslord 7 on Her Secret New Strategy to Evade Law Enforcement, Escape to Safety of Imperial Cascadian Enclave
Mon Feb 19 07:54:09 +0000 2018
Newslord 7, Stranded in Wilds & Pursued by Relentless Police Drones, Issues Desperate Missive https://t.co/lcDotDoamQ
Mon Feb 19 07:52:17 +0000 2018
VOTERS OUTRAGED: New Poll Shows 73% of Americans "Would Not Vote" for Senators Who "Use Taxpayer Dollars to Fund Ep… https://t.co/3obpcUqH1E
Mon Feb 19 04:34:39 +0000 2018
"I Shall Find The Man Who Took Away My Head, And I Shall Take Back What Is Mine, And I Shall Lay My Vengeance Upon… https://t.co/glhJrqSYeJ
Mon Feb 19 04:33:23 +0000 2018
Senate Majority Leader: "Will Whoever Was Snorting Coke in the Cloakroom Please Come by to Collect Their Cursed Amu… https://t.co/nlvtq5sQkv
Sun Feb 18 23:28:45 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Hide
— @gordongineering
Sun Feb 18 21:49:26 +0000 2018
Run
Sun Feb 18 18:05:28 +0000 2018
SPONSORED: Hot Girls Nearby Want To Eat You!
Sun Feb 18 17:56:38 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Px36cJV5YL
— @mcclure111
Sun Feb 18 16:02:49 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 So much for the tolerant left!
— @MegatronusRex
Sun Feb 18 16:00:59 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Who?
Sun Feb 18 10:39:43 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Who?
Sun Feb 18 10:39:43 +0000 2018
OPINION:
You Deserve To Be Forgotten
Sun Feb 18 10:39:09 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 in my day we didnt know what was beneath the sleeping veil and we were fine with that
— @EarthboundCause
Sun Feb 18 04:41:47 +0000 2018
Bone Sorceress Supreme Elmenore Bonewright Faces Criticism for "Demagoguery" After Announcing Plan to Sunder the Sl… https://t.co/Zm9LH3THWi
Sun Feb 18 03:37:45 +0000 2018
REMINDER:
We Will Literally Be Torn Apart by Slavering News Hounds if You Do Not Immediately Pledge $1 or More https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Feb 18 03:25:16 +0000 2018
UPDATE:
After 200-Year Debate Packed Into Four Terrifying Hours, Senate Votes to Affirm Existence of the Divine Alt… https://t.co/17uHH3TJeX
Sun Feb 18 03:24:41 +0000 2018
7 Signs Your Date Kills People for the Government
Sun Feb 18 03:14:35 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
During Senate Debate, She Who Throttles the Dawn Manifests in Third Aspect of Her Manifold Glory, Disprov… https://t.co/XKmTfGxDtU
Sat Feb 17 22:26:44 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Chorus of Muffled Voices Heard Chanting "Thank You for Your Service" from Within the Cop's Belly
— @joe_no_privacy
Sat Feb 17 21:12:41 +0000 2018
Pressed on Its Heroic Preservation of the Fundamental Ontological Integrity of Being, Officer Unhinges Jaw, Devours… https://t.co/W1l5fiCSXj
Sat Feb 17 20:34:35 +0000 2018
Florida Man Caught Red-Handed by Off-Duty Cop in Attempt to Steal Everything
Sat Feb 17 20:29:03 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/lAOjopCm9d
Sat Feb 17 18:34:38 +0000 2018
Immaculate Cryptessence of the Divine Alteration to be Debated on Senate Floor
Sat Feb 17 18:25:19 +0000 2018
Shocking Investigation Reveals All Restaurants Nationwide Fronts for Organized Crime
Sat Feb 17 07:42:54 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Number 3 Will Shock You! Literally!
— @rabcyr_alt
Sat Feb 17 06:58:30 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 And they're hiring!
— @almafeta
Sat Feb 17 06:58:28 +0000 2018
7 Companies That Are Training Our Children to Kill On Command
Sat Feb 17 06:50:39 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 should be a marvelarse performance!
— @motordrift
Sat Feb 17 05:58:02 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 The program sincludes Beehoeven's Ninth Nymphony, also known as the "Surprise Sex" Nymphony
— @panhopticon
Sat Feb 17 05:57:30 +0000 2018
Erotican Repubic's Nassional Porkestra to Pervorm in Fapital Clity's Largest Cuntsert Hall
Sat Feb 17 02:59:56 +0000 2018
Tears in Eyes, Arch-General Horace the Undying (Ret.) Gives "Moving Speech" at Own Funeral, Announces Fundraising C… https://t.co/dLaE3BUt4l
Sat Feb 17 02:55:42 +0000 2018
He-Who-Is-to-Blame Arrested by Deathless Knights of the King Who Was, the King Who Is, and the King Who Will Foreve… https://t.co/zmCwAsmlDs
Fri Feb 16 21:14:14 +0000 2018
Headless Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) Faces Criticism After "Long, Rambling Speech" on Senate Floor Showing "Obsessive S… https://t.co/cNM3FGJv3v
Fri Feb 16 20:31:11 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
It's His Own Damn Fault
Thu Feb 15 08:20:26 +0000 2018
OPINION:
It's Time We Stop Scapegoating He-Who-Is-To-Blame
Thu Feb 15 08:19:53 +0000 2018
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 scryer-security
— @flare_director
Thu Feb 15 07:45:56 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 CAREER OPPORTUNITY: https://t.co/ufO0F2rQfb
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Feb 15 07:33:10 +0000 2018
16 Tourists Who Were Killed in Under 20 Seconds
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Feb 15 07:20:28 +0000 2018
FOR LOYAL INFORMED CITIZENS ONLY — Help Defray the Cost of Newslord 7's Desperate Flight to Escape Justice For Crim… https://t.co/1vVg2cKAEr
Thu Feb 15 02:45:39 +0000 2018
SFGate is hinting at some unknown horror just beyond our senses. https://t.co/oQO7fTVLQY
— @substitute
Wed Feb 14 09:08:10 +0000 2018
Visibly Waterlogged Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Holds Press Conference Clinging for Dear Life to Gargoyle on Roof of DHHS… https://t.co/bpjebg2HFy
Wed Feb 14 06:43:15 +0000 2018
SPONSORED: Lose Weight FAST With This Rusty Dagger
Wed Feb 14 01:56:44 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY https://t.co/c8dovqCID3
Tue Feb 13 21:31:29 +0000 2018
WEIRD & WACKY:
Class of Sixth Graders on Field Trip to Museum of Wetlands Ecology Massacred by Animatronic Duck
Tue Feb 13 15:57:12 +0000 2018
"I Have No Brain & I Must Tweet:" The Trump Presidency as Runaway Sorcerer's Apprentice Scenario & What It Means For You
Tue Feb 13 14:02:39 +0000 2018
TONIGHT ON OUR EXPERT PANEL — Moderated by Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo https://t.co/hoip9ZimXc
Tue Feb 13 05:46:58 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 That's... that's not his tongue. I don't know what it is, but it's not his tongue. *holds up hand… https://t.co/47rzsbEIqm
— @chas_lovett
Tue Feb 13 01:06:49 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 more political grandstanding? Sheesh
— @President_Ark
Tue Feb 13 00:22:38 +0000 2018
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) Cuts Out Own Tongue Live on C-SPAN — Again!
Tue Feb 13 00:16:47 +0000 2018
Has the So-Called "Beneficent Manifold" Subtly Corrupted Our Ontological Topology? We Interview the Specific Dreadf… https://t.co/gtyE2g9TYK
Mon Feb 12 20:26:36 +0000 2018
How the Illegal Ghost Trade is Booming Under Trump
Mon Feb 12 17:17:43 +0000 2018
Researchers Develop First Haunted Cryptocurrency
Mon Feb 12 17:10:35 +0000 2018
Study: No One Will Be Spared
Mon Feb 12 11:42:43 +0000 2018
Experts: "I Will Cram This Dinette Set Straight Up Your Nose, So Help Me God"
Mon Feb 12 11:39:23 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, St. Michaelides, Bathed in Holy Light from On High, Declares Fentanyl a Sacrament
Mon Feb 12 00:07:12 +0000 2018
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested for Selling Cou… https://t.co/5oRAfwVzcw
Mon Feb 12 00:04:23 +0000 2018
Analysts: "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet"
Sun Feb 11 21:35:46 +0000 2018
How Stone Hoarders are Destroying Our Country — and You Can Too!
Sun Feb 11 20:26:40 +0000 2018
Dying Guy Won't Stay Still Long Enough for Grab-Ass
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Feb 11 20:10:31 +0000 2018
New White House Plague Doctor "Only Visible in Infrared," Leaves Trails of Blood and Gold Wherever it Walks, & Has "Impossibly Long Beak"
Sun Feb 11 18:19:48 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 number 8 will surprise you
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Sun Feb 11 06:55:21 +0000 2018
7 People Who Will Survive
Sun Feb 11 06:44:44 +0000 2018
Insider Sources: "Anyone Got Any Oxy?"
Sat Feb 10 20:56:03 +0000 2018
Pressed on Current Political Realities, Experts, Pupils Tiny & Legs Unsteady, Recommend "Crippling Heroin Addiction"
Sat Feb 10 20:52:55 +0000 2018
Why We're All High Today — and Why We're Never Coming Down
Sat Feb 10 20:51:17 +0000 2018
Trump Fires White House Plague Doctor
Sat Feb 10 19:56:40 +0000 2018
Sen. Ryan: "I'm Gonna Take You to the Valley Without Thought;" "I'm Gonna Show You How the Mouthless Child Sings"
Sat Feb 10 19:12:01 +0000 2018
Cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/MkeAX7WRjM
— @zombiecalypse
Sat Feb 10 07:05:29 +0000 2018
New Study: Heterosexuality "Rapidly Depleting" Ozone Layer
Sat Feb 10 04:46:59 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
Just Be Polite & Give Him Your Hide to Wear as A Cape Like He Wants
Sat Feb 10 04:43:10 +0000 2018
OPINION:
We Need to Have a Calm & Reasonable Discourse With the Axe-Wielding Maniac Covered in Swastikas Who is Sla… https://t.co/4ay24Bg2yr
Sat Feb 10 04:40:41 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 "It Wasn't Even By The Sharp End, How Does That Even Happen?", Local Pixie Reports
— @TimProbable
Sat Feb 10 04:39:44 +0000 2018
Trump Impaled by Unicorn
Sat Feb 10 04:28:18 +0000 2018
REMINDER: Approved News 6 Depends on Viewers Like You to Dole Out Meager Rations to Our Throngs of Starving, Emacia… https://t.co/zQ61vkpjYZ
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Feb 10 04:25:34 +0000 2018
WEIRD & WACKY:
Illinois State Legistlature Refuses to Repeal Archaic Law Criminalizing Speech in the Tongue That Flays & Tears
Sat Feb 10 04:10:20 +0000 2018
How the Tainted Saint Swayed the Hissing Lands for Trump
Fri Feb 09 22:39:52 +0000 2018
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Depends on Viewers Like You to Dole Out Meager Rations to Our Throngs of Starving, Emacia… https://t.co/zQ61vkpjYZ
Fri Feb 09 19:42:05 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 3 days later: trump wasn't wearing a hat anyway, and if he was, it was exactly the right thing to do… https://t.co/4qlPBEeQZT
— @harriekd
Fri Feb 09 19:37:26 +0000 2018
thank fucking god. & STAY DOWN https://t.co/7V5dqXsbMR
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Feb 09 19:36:38 +0000 2018
Solemnly Chanting Figures in Waterlogged Robes Emerge from Reflection on Storefront Window to Bear Away Squirming R… https://t.co/QIrZTpQWOK
Fri Feb 09 19:35:19 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Secretary Sanders Issues Incomprehensibly Muffled Statement From Deep Within the Crime Hole
Fri Feb 09 19:31:15 +0000 2018
"I've Never Been So Happy to See Air-to-Air Missiles Fired in American Airspace:" DC Locals React to "Hatgate"
Fri Feb 09 19:29:48 +0000 2018
UPDATE:
Trump's Hat Shot Down by Air Force
Fri Feb 09 19:25:29 +0000 2018
"Absolutely Nothing is Wrong:" Press Secretary Sanders Screams at Reporters, Clambering Down Ladder into Deep Earthen Pit Behind White House
Fri Feb 09 19:23:16 +0000 2018
Trump's Hat Wreaks Campaign of Terror on DC, Swooping Down From Sky and Carrying Away Unwary Children in Its Massive Pincers
Fri Feb 09 19:20:38 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Trump's Hat Claws Loose of Its Host, Escapes White House Despite Efforts of Hundreds of Gnomes With Flyswatters to Contain It
Fri Feb 09 19:19:15 +0000 2018
"It's A Very Big Hat," Trump Reassures Reporters, As Something Dark & Chitinous Begins Bubbling Up Out Of His Skull
Fri Feb 09 19:17:25 +0000 2018
UPDATE:
Clouds Above White House Briefly Form Most Terrible Sigil, As All Around Cower and Wail at the Terrible Sorceries Thereby Foretold
Fri Feb 09 19:16:19 +0000 2018
"I Wasn't Even Wearing A Hat:" Baffled Reporter Escorted From White House by Seven-Foot-Tall, Quietly Buzzing Men i… https://t.co/p7ae1RbKm6
Fri Feb 09 19:14:06 +0000 2018
Pressed on Trump's False Claims to Be Wearing A Hat, Visibly Perspiring Press Secretary Sanders Blames "Unruly Teen… https://t.co/p3PxAHPRvy
Fri Feb 09 19:10:47 +0000 2018
"I'm Wearing A Hat Right Now," "It's A Very Big Hat," "It's Bigger Than Yours, Buddy:" Trump, Head Bare, Looses Tirade on Reporter
Fri Feb 09 19:09:39 +0000 2018
"The President-Erect is Cuntrolling Our Minds:" Conspi-racy Theorists in Erotican Repubic Sackuse Government of "De… https://t.co/2Fv3gfLGgY
Fri Feb 09 17:19:26 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 AND HERE TO REPORT ON THE SHUTDOWN IS THE ENTITY https://t.co/NLVNvZ38y7
— @mcclure111
Fri Feb 09 06:19:00 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 this is going to cost the jobs of millions of bigots
— @AndrewNCassidy
Fri Feb 09 04:24:05 +0000 2018
Is Unidentified Compound Beta the New Unidentified Compound Alpha? We Ask Lifestyle Experts, Only on Approved News 6!
Fri Feb 09 04:23:29 +0000 2018
New "Apple iPhobes" To Automate Discrimination, Say Industry Insiders
Fri Feb 09 03:44:29 +0000 2018
LRT: I mean, look at these rewards; you can’t afford to not support @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/XvH93rKbyk
— @monosynth
Fri Feb 09 02:00:09 +0000 2018
@VinnieTesla @ApprovedNews6 UMMMMM this is literally the "True Tree Puncher" fallacy you've invoked here.
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Feb 09 00:40:26 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Real Tree Punchers Don't Use Axes
— @VinnieTesla
Fri Feb 09 00:40:24 +0000 2018
Inside Trump's Secret Goblin-Punching Room
Fri Feb 09 00:39:49 +0000 2018
Connecticut: Man With Filthy Toilet Plunger Affixed to Head Seeks Democratic Nomination for State Secretary of Darkness
Thu Feb 08 21:17:40 +0000 2018
Analysts: 74% of Childbirths in United States Now Subject to Digital Rights Management
Thu Feb 08 20:21:50 +0000 2018
American Tree-Punching League Elects New Axemaster
Thu Feb 08 20:21:04 +0000 2018
Collapse of Bone Fugue Insurance Industry Sends Shockwaves Through Financial Sector
Thu Feb 08 20:19:57 +0000 2018
READ NOW: Seven Ritual Incisions for the Weary Homemaker
Thu Feb 08 20:18:39 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 And yet three years ago he was slamming Obama for being too soft on the media when he followed through on that same offer.
— @MonsieurLongIII
Thu Feb 08 20:10:46 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 so if you feel like helping the always-Approved cause of [REDACTED] journalism, please consider pled… https://t.co/t4AcXZnYQ0
— @velartrill
Thu Feb 08 20:07:26 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 i despise begging for money like this. i want to be able to dedicate my time to writing, not doing t… https://t.co/M6UJp81Ts0
— @velartrill
Thu Feb 08 20:07:18 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 it's a serious struggle right now, because Seattle is a gentrified hellscape and AN6 is my only sour… https://t.co/dIlLlmgcC6
— @velartrill
Thu Feb 08 20:07:13 +0000 2018
hi @ApprovedNews6 fans. apologies for the recent shortage of tweets; right now i'm busy trying to get out of my hom… https://t.co/nYWtRe2PAc
— @velartrill
Thu Feb 08 20:07:09 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Slave-King of the Dungeonwoods Rejects Canticle of the Binding Sun After Public Dispute With the Church of Chains
Thu Feb 08 18:11:14 +0000 2018
Smiling Hugely, Trump Offers to Paint Sky With Reporter's Blood
Thu Feb 08 17:56:20 +0000 2018
Benedict: God Told Me to F*ck Myself
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Feb 08 08:11:44 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Newslord 7 Announces Plan to Flee to Seattle in Desperate Attempt to Escape Long Arm of the Law
Thu Feb 08 05:17:26 +0000 2018
COUNTERPOINT:
It Was Never All That Great to Begin With
Wed Feb 07 23:02:12 +0000 2018
OPINION:
It'll Get Better
Wed Feb 07 23:01:45 +0000 2018
Florida Man Retweets Self
Wed Feb 07 22:56:10 +0000 2018
How the Mouldering Patriarch of the Morning Throne Could Prevent Brexit
Wed Feb 07 21:31:31 +0000 2018
LIFEHACK: Convince Yourself It Will Be Different This Time, With Crystals
Wed Feb 07 09:23:19 +0000 2018
Analysts: "This Is Going to Make the Great Mistake Look Like Unknown Incident #7974 by Comparison"
Wed Feb 07 07:34:38 +0000 2018
"I'm Going to Be Honest With You," "Things Aren't Looking Good:" Spokesman Confirms Reports
Wed Feb 07 07:20:08 +0000 2018
"The Shit is Gonna Hit the Fan:" Celebrities Weigh in on How Much Worse It's Going to Get
Wed Feb 07 07:19:26 +0000 2018
Experts Warn It Could Soon Reach Never-Before-Seen Levels of Worse
Wed Feb 07 07:17:45 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
It Continues to Get Worse
Wed Feb 07 07:17:10 +0000 2018
It Gets Worse
Wed Feb 07 01:01:14 +0000 2018
Cocaine-Filled Condoms Sent to Vatican FOR POPE BLESSING
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Feb 06 21:05:53 +0000 2018
Seven Fortune 500 CEOs Who Tried to Beat the Lobster King at His Own Game — And FAILED
Tue Feb 06 19:24:34 +0000 2018
HEIST! Fourth Beatified Ember of the Undying Flame Stolen from National Archives
Tue Feb 06 19:21:48 +0000 2018
Five Poisons They'll Never Detect Until It's Too Late
Tue Feb 06 19:20:04 +0000 2018
Why Bees Are the Future of Warfare
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Feb 06 17:50:13 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/5fdDddVaY9
Tue Feb 06 16:12:01 +0000 2018
Tickets to Public Execution of Unpaid Intern for Incompetence & Heretical Publication of Un-Approved News To Sell f… https://t.co/RSCdpJrjRC
Mon Feb 05 22:52:06 +0000 2018
Intern Found Misusing Official Approved News 6 Social Media Accounts to be Blown From Cannon Into the Gorge of All… https://t.co/VmdF6jeJVo
Mon Feb 05 22:46:32 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/vIiCeaGpRh
— @mcclure111
Mon Feb 05 20:52:42 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/2kdgDwERfu
— @mcclure111
Mon Feb 05 20:52:29 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/V2USxMGmj0
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Feb 05 20:52:22 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5LzB7q8xHv
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Feb 05 20:52:18 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/sdUXunM0Wa
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Feb 05 20:52:15 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/NzIZaA5cRa
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Feb 05 20:52:14 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/iIm31YkyNN
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Feb 05 20:52:00 +0000 2018
@almafeta @ApprovedNews6 Op-Ed: If Vore Fetishism is the Cost of Creating an Emaciated and Ravenous Ghoul-Child Arm… https://t.co/lkzkZXFbwf
— @YorkshireTX
Sun Feb 04 00:06:23 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 I thought that was the millennial siege engineers
— @ravikanodia
Sun Feb 04 00:05:52 +0000 2018
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/3kdK6dDkzm
— @ravikanodia
Sun Feb 04 00:05:43 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: It's Alarming That Vore Fetishism Can Be Caused By Something As Simple As Raising Our Chil… https://t.co/1VFr7YBUTJ
— @almafeta
Sat Feb 03 17:56:57 +0000 2018
Consume the traditional family https://t.co/ZSvIuCJyJt
— @Andysmaps
Sat Feb 03 17:56:30 +0000 2018
Florida Man Adds "Raceplay" to FetLife Profile
Sat Feb 03 17:43:30 +0000 2018
EDITORIAL: How Teenage Vore Fiends Are Undermining the Traditional Family
Sat Feb 03 05:30:05 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 @Probgoblin https://t.co/oHbCg6SfxI
— @insomniacity
Fri Feb 02 20:22:48 +0000 2018
The Only Thing That's Been Clearly Successful in Japan Ends
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Feb 02 00:13:58 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ENbvlX7d73
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Feb 01 22:13:36 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Terrified Reporter: https://t.co/pe6vgMmlI0
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Feb 01 21:26:53 +0000 2018
Trump Blames Crash of Train Carrying Republican Lawmakers on "Deep Fate" Prophecy
Thu Feb 01 20:36:10 +0000 2018
"At least 50 percent [of shoppers] completely ignore [the golem] like it is any other device, which surprised us."
— @HexReview
Thu Feb 01 18:30:06 +0000 2018
Awww, Toddlers Are Obsessed With Olive Garden
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Feb 01 17:51:31 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/yRLup6HZgE
Thu Feb 01 06:33:25 +0000 2018
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 I think we've all been assuming that the dawn isn't into breathplay. No kinkshaming, y'all.
— @chas_lovett
Thu Feb 01 00:50:37 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 I like how the media just assumes that She Who Throttles The Dawn is somehow monogamous.
— @listelian
Wed Jan 31 23:15:45 +0000 2018
Jealousy "A Mortal Affectation:" Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Indignantly Dismisses Allegations of… https://t.co/EAePHK0ngu
Wed Jan 31 23:15:41 +0000 2018
TROUBLE IN PARADISE? Scandalous New Photos Appear to Show She Who Throttles The Dawn in Affair With Sublime Matron of the Lambent Fissure
Wed Jan 31 23:09:01 +0000 2018
“Replace the atmosphere with blood” I see the republicans have started sourcing policy from @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/oyEeWOZx3J
— @Catfish_Man
Wed Jan 31 20:33:09 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: Google Drone Fleet May Soon Be Facing A New Threat https://t.co/25LFHdiBVm
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jan 31 19:04:28 +0000 2018
Trump's Fate of the Union Address Plunges Eastern Seaboard Into Impenetrable Darkness
Wed Jan 31 03:48:14 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/QDaEcUyWpU
Tue Jan 30 20:33:33 +0000 2018
Concerned Parents Warn Rising Youth Suicide Rates Could "Dramatically Reduce" America's Surplus of Cheap Labor
Tue Jan 30 20:24:40 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
CEO Jeff Bezos Found Dismembered in Locked Room, Empty but for Bloodstained Amazon Echo
Tue Jan 30 19:47:20 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: 1/1 Florida Man Prefers To Improve The Flavor Of His Crimes With https://t.co/EDWlfPlZbE
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Jan 30 19:33:27 +0000 2018
Inside the Hug War: A Closer Look at Mexico's Brutal "Abrazotraficantes"
Tue Jan 30 18:06:13 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: You'll Never Catch Me Alive, Copper
— @solotheloso
Tue Jan 30 17:39:17 +0000 2018
You Won't Get Away This Time
Tue Jan 30 17:07:46 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/xGguV8oF2t
— @mcclure111
Tue Jan 30 15:45:32 +0000 2018
14 Reasons Why Today's Youth Long for the Sweet Release of Death - #7 Will Shock You!
Tue Jan 30 03:02:56 +0000 2018
Seven Hilarious Reasons We're Going to Overdose on Heroin
Tue Jan 30 03:01:21 +0000 2018
It's still cold, and Her Majesty Snow Queen of the Hinterlands would still like to remind you to put fresh batterie… https://t.co/2DY5H8Eje2
— @USCPSC
Mon Jan 29 17:31:22 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 PROMOTED: https://t.co/kQg7Pi812N
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jan 29 16:54:04 +0000 2018
Trump Slammed for "Inappropriate" Comments After Complimenting Female Reporter's "Succulent Face-Meats"
Mon Jan 29 16:47:55 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4QvRIK7yah
— @Jackapedia_
Sun Jan 28 02:15:57 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 🅱PINION: [🅱EDACTED]
— @joe_no_privacy
Sun Jan 28 01:55:58 +0000 2018
OPINION:
🅱️
Sun Jan 28 01:47:25 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 STUDY: https://t.co/lQkN7GXaDJ
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Jan 27 01:48:02 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 So tired of the news trying to distract us responsible parents from the real teen addiction threat: eating food
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 26 23:10:36 +0000 2018
Are Today's Teens Addicted to Social Interaction and Human Connections? We Ask the Experts, Only on Approved News 6
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jan 26 23:05:28 +0000 2018
Grown-Ass Man Builds Olive Garden Menu Fort to Hide Russian Homophobia From Olympic Audiences?
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jan 26 16:26:18 +0000 2018
Are Today's Teens Addicted to Social Interaction and Human Connections? We Ask the Experts, Only on Approved News 6
Fri Jan 26 08:11:27 +0000 2018
@DarrylDaugherty @ApprovedNews6 Pundits: "Compromise?"
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Jan 26 07:39:25 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Guerrilla: “Resist”
— @DarrylDaugherty
Fri Jan 26 07:39:24 +0000 2018
Experts: "Comply"
Fri Jan 26 05:42:18 +0000 2018
No Oxygen, Please, for This School Year
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jan 26 04:10:59 +0000 2018
Erotican Repubic's De-parts-ment of Health Launches Cumpaign Against High Fucktose Porn Syrup
Wed Jan 24 19:13:48 +0000 2018
The Humans Are Dead, Long Live the Beast With 56 Names
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jan 24 09:00:19 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 BUSINESS: Billionaire Steals Larger Amount of Money
— @listelian
Wed Jan 24 00:18:42 +0000 2018
ENTERTAINMENT: Millionaire Given Large Amount of Money
Wed Jan 24 00:05:22 +0000 2018
REPORT: How the Tri-Fate Area Has Been Impacted by the Ninth Great Becalming
Tue Jan 23 22:26:37 +0000 2018
@3fingeredfox @ApprovedNews6 No he wasn't! All serious inquiries agreed that the unfortunate incident was caused by… https://t.co/7NMEaqbWTl
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Jan 23 21:52:18 +0000 2018
@EugeneIpavec @ApprovedNews6 Come on, Fondlebot was guilty.
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Jan 23 21:52:03 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Miniature Bill Gates Pressed for Comment Between the Pages of a Thick Book
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Jan 23 21:33:42 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 This is apalling. Have we as a society learned nothing from the tragic aftermath of the false accusa… https://t.co/6F67ymFSmj
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Jan 23 21:33:13 +0000 2018
"Envision, If You Will, A World-Wide Network of Computers, Passing News & Information Between Continents at the Spe… https://t.co/DYObxvXCmI
Tue Jan 23 19:43:07 +0000 2018
Users Report Controversial New Windows Update Causing "Miniature Version" of Bill Gates, Seemingly Twenty Years You… https://t.co/WHJ8DzRfrf
Tue Jan 23 19:34:19 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 @TimCushing That never happened. I wasn't there.
— @LanceWhitney6
Tue Jan 23 04:04:53 +0000 2018
Brandishing Battered, Bloodstained Iron Shortsword, Camille Burgess Declares Green Party's Tribute "Acceptable, For Now"
Tue Jan 23 01:12:45 +0000 2018
"Please Don't Hurt Us, Camille:" Green Party Leadership Genuflect in Terror Before Recipient of Lord Carnithrax Blo… https://t.co/TP6vKKeFG1
Mon Jan 22 23:52:06 +0000 2018
Nervously Sweating Green Party Spokesman Awards 2018 Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Memorial Scholarship to Teenage Prog… https://t.co/qJQXnrFKno
Mon Jan 22 23:49:12 +0000 2018
@flare_director @ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Did not, and nobody alive today will say otherwise.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Mon Jan 22 23:20:59 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: [REDACTED] IS [REDACTED], ACTUALLY
— @flare_director
Mon Jan 22 23:20:57 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
REDACTED
Mon Jan 22 21:33:59 +0000 2018
Majestic Council of Newslords, Speaking in Monotone Unison, Takes "Full Responsibility" for "Failure to Avert That… https://t.co/xS9tWkwcuj
Mon Jan 22 21:11:38 +0000 2018
Fate That Befell "LAMBENT MINSTREL"-Tier Patrons "Unforgettable, Despite How Long We Have Sat Awake At Night, Whisk… https://t.co/oZW0LfRRy5
Mon Jan 22 21:06:31 +0000 2018
FROM THE DESK OF THE EDITOR: We At Approved News 6 Sincerely Apologize to the Surviving Relatives of "LAMBENT MINSTREL"-Tier Patrons
Mon Jan 22 21:04:54 +0000 2018
Senate Dems: "Seems Fake But Okay"
Mon Jan 22 20:56:40 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Opinion: "Err"
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jan 22 20:21:40 +0000 2018
Experts: "Um"
Mon Jan 22 19:51:45 +0000 2018
How This Game-Changing New Startup is Using Shock Collars to Improve the Proletariat
Mon Jan 22 17:37:12 +0000 2018
US Senate Has Enough Votes To Approve Stopgap Bill, End US Government -NBC Citing Sources
— @LiveSquawk
Mon Jan 22 17:30:22 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Mawlings Demonstrates Revolutionary New Purling Technique from Hospital Bed
Mon Jan 22 16:57:02 +0000 2018
TRAGEDY: Approved News 6 Knitting Correspondent Tyrone Mawlings Hospitalized After Destroying Small Norwegian Town… https://t.co/naM04LNzhl
— @ApprovedNews6
Mon Jan 22 16:55:39 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Shrouded in mists, a half-glimpsed thing made of half-made forms, the CIA director—long thought to b… https://t.co/jmP02Gz5Hr
— @mcclure111
Mon Jan 22 16:46:49 +0000 2018
TRAGEDY: Approved News 6 Knitting Correspondent Tyrone Mawlings Hospitalized After Destroying Small Norwegian Town… https://t.co/naM04LNzhl
Mon Jan 22 12:46:59 +0000 2018
New Study: Don't Look Now
Mon Jan 22 11:39:35 +0000 2018
Everyone Out to Get You
Mon Jan 22 11:38:49 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/8BE8RMYSDJ
Mon Jan 22 11:34:24 +0000 2018
Me and My Husband Died
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jan 22 11:29:06 +0000 2018
Republicans Pass Emergency Bill to Fund Department of Setting Things on Fire
Mon Jan 22 06:21:19 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 How scandalous! Such an overreach of our justice system could be a harbinger of darker legal times a… https://t.co/ByTYkEVgym
— @flare_director
Mon Jan 22 05:44:45 +0000 2018
OPINION:
The Allegations of Sexual Assault Against Molestron 6000 Are Shameful & Untrue
Mon Jan 22 00:55:45 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 The damned nanny state is conflating cursed portals with cursed doors, & trying to ban all of them! They're nothing alike!
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jan 22 00:30:56 +0000 2018
Why Doors Could Soon Be Illegal
Mon Jan 22 00:04:23 +0000 2018
How Vampire Law Courts are Changing Under Trump's Appointees
Sun Jan 21 22:05:17 +0000 2018
Michael Gove: "Britons Might Be Able To Keep Thumbs After Brexit" https://t.co/MdNmSkLDRr
— @clickbaitrobot
Sun Jan 21 21:49:56 +0000 2018
Citing "Vast User Base" Who "Do Not Realize They Are Russians," Twitter Begins Awareness Campaign
Sun Jan 21 06:03:45 +0000 2018
"Get In The Crime Hole!" Press Secretary Sanders, Mascara Smeared & Weeping With Frustration, Pushes Reporter After… https://t.co/WNxO7zrLGI
Sat Jan 20 23:36:53 +0000 2018
OPINION:
Can Thatcherism Cure Cancer? We Won't Know Until We've Tried It!
Sat Jan 20 22:43:36 +0000 2018
EXPERTS: https://t.co/9Ys9dJtH48
Sat Jan 20 22:37:53 +0000 2018
MAYHEM: BDSM-Crazed Elves Descend on D.C., Abducting Innocent Citizens & Lawmakers Alike
Sat Jan 20 22:17:22 +0000 2018
"The Lung Mold is There for Your Protection:" The Slavering Council Condemns Wallachian Secessionists, Vows "Brutal… https://t.co/WpUGTB3Frc
Sat Jan 20 22:12:12 +0000 2018
INTERNATIONAL:
Wallachia Secedes from the Ever-Thirsting Union, Citing "Unacceptable Profusion of Lung-Mold"
Sat Jan 20 22:09:39 +0000 2018
Speech Organs "Source of Inefficiency," "More Modern, Efficient" Means of Nutrition Available, Nameless Corporation… https://t.co/YO2E5sD3HP
Sat Jan 20 22:01:11 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 fair enough, in the Ruins of New York mouths are generally full of bugs
— @Chirurgic
Sat Jan 20 21:59:15 +0000 2018
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Deprecates Mouths
Sat Jan 20 21:57:12 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Don't Even Worry About It, Leading Scientists Say
— @mcclure111
Sat Jan 20 20:16:18 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: "Better the experts than me"
— @almafeta
Sat Jan 20 09:40:12 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Voice over radio: “Sssend mmmore exxxpertsss…”
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sat Jan 20 09:39:59 +0000 2018
Experts: "Go!", "We'll Hold Them Off," "Call for Help, Before It's Too Late!"
Sat Jan 20 09:28:53 +0000 2018
Experts: "FUCK," "RUN!"
Sat Jan 20 09:21:30 +0000 2018
Experts: It's Probably Nothing
Sat Jan 20 07:25:58 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Civilization may have been the dream.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Jan 19 19:19:58 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Five Partially Redacted Pages of the Holtzmann Memo Found in Lobby by Approved News 6 Receptionist, Signe… https://t.co/mfXSIHQG0e
Fri Jan 19 19:15:23 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh, already? Tax season is coming earlier and earlier, I swear
— @ha_aright
Fri Jan 19 18:37:27 +0000 2018
Four Holes You Had No Idea You Could Fit In Until You Awoke There, Naked and Trembling, Miles From Civilization With No Help in Sight
Fri Jan 19 18:14:19 +0000 2018
Local Teen is Beyond Even the Greatest of Our Weapons
Fri Jan 19 02:08:43 +0000 2018
Florida Man Killed by Meme
Fri Jan 19 01:10:17 +0000 2018
Experts: "I Want a Refund"
Thu Jan 18 21:22:30 +0000 2018
Secret Service Reports Enchanted Keys to Presidential Abattoir "Stolen" by "Tricky Witches"
Thu Jan 18 21:16:30 +0000 2018
Hundreds of Figures in Singed White Robes, Faces Concealed Beneath Veils As Dark As Night, Amass on White House Law… https://t.co/yZbwclZDxO
Thu Jan 18 20:38:22 +0000 2018
Democratic Party Begins Purge of "Anti-Armageddon Extremists"
Thu Jan 18 04:45:49 +0000 2018
Pocket Sandwiches Revolutionized and 1,000,000 Times More Brutal Than Terrorists
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jan 17 21:21:09 +0000 2018
Health Alert: Don't Drink Water or Walk on Land, You'll Be Fine
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jan 17 21:19:52 +0000 2018
Study: Patients Permitted Use of Opioid Analgesics to Control Post-Surgical Pain "Ten Times More Likely" to Commit… https://t.co/thx8RbGiYJ
Wed Jan 17 14:33:37 +0000 2018
Finally, a media outlet with the courage to go beyond interviewing former coal miners and get to the REAL story. https://t.co/QuIIFdGme8
— @orzelc
Wed Jan 17 00:27:00 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 But Not Nearly As Much As The BDSM Elves!
— @shrikex0r
Tue Jan 16 23:24:25 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 we're still working on the formal apology your reporters need to chill please
— @shardsambit
Tue Jan 16 22:20:20 +0000 2018
Are BDSM-Crazed Elves the Reason Trump Won? This New Report Will Shock You!
Tue Jan 16 21:43:59 +0000 2018
REMINDER:
Any Individuals With Access to the Mandrake Dossier, the Kennesaw Codex, the Holtzmann Memo, or the Archi… https://t.co/m9SwcAosg0
Tue Jan 16 20:50:13 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
"Designated Individual Alef-Bravo" Leaks Full, Unredacted Copy of the Mississauga Zodiac File to Approved News 6
Tue Jan 16 20:38:00 +0000 2018
"Look, I Know What This Looks Like, But He Was Alive When I Started:" Purported Recording of White House Press Secr… https://t.co/aJGT1Yjp98
Tue Jan 16 08:19:17 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/uofediPlHk
Tue Jan 16 08:02:34 +0000 2018
@sarahshulist Chasing an ever greater high, our youth may next experiment with other purportedly closed classes, su… https://t.co/9Npkk2AhDt
— @brynguist
Tue Jan 16 04:28:29 +0000 2018
I think @ApprovedNews6 got scooped https://t.co/RNV8lBKKXZ
— @trochee
Tue Jan 16 04:28:06 +0000 2018
"When I Play God, I Win:" Watch Our Exclusive Interview with Dr. Albert Starbone, Chief of Genetic Engineering for… https://t.co/3giulYPS15
Mon Jan 15 23:55:59 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OH man this $5 is going to turn my life around.
— @hummingrain
Mon Jan 15 22:11:44 +0000 2018
SPONSORED: Have You Developed Strange & Alarming New Powers You Cannot Fully Control After Being Unethically Experi… https://t.co/rxEVqevqMT
Mon Jan 15 21:34:13 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/2FFEiXcHei
Mon Jan 15 20:39:18 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Isn’t he originally from New York? I’d love to hear how he made it out!
— @insomniacity
Mon Jan 15 20:29:58 +0000 2018
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 REPORT: Trump considering sending all husks back to the Fetid Amalgam; "They're not rending their best"
— @sardonic_greek
Mon Jan 15 05:22:53 +0000 2018
SCANDAL: Erotican Repubic's Weather Vorecasts Revealed to Cuntain "Encoded Massages" From Mysterious Orgasmization… https://t.co/mvmZACifwW
Mon Jan 15 02:26:13 +0000 2018
Superb Owl "Is No More," "For The Forest Beats With His Mighty Heart:" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Issues Bi… https://t.co/k07qZmrZNl
Sun Jan 14 22:55:48 +0000 2018
Appropriate Individuals Agree: All Hail the Great News Orb
Sun Jan 14 22:38:33 +0000 2018
Great Council of Newslords: "Special Condition 'Placid Lake'" "A Mere Trifle" Before "The Awesome Power of Journali… https://t.co/xtfpt2DGnF
Sun Jan 14 22:38:20 +0000 2018
…DESIGNATED ENTITY "OMAHA COLANDER" HAS BEEN IMPACTED BY PHENOMENON "CATALAN BLUE"…WE ARE NOW IN SITUATION "LONELY DUET"…REPEAT…
— @substation77
Sun Jan 14 22:37:13 +0000 2018
Seventy-Seven Things "The Committee" Won't Tell You About "Operation Euripides"
Sun Jan 14 22:36:59 +0000 2018
BREAKING:
Masked Gunman, Former CNN Contributor, Joins Approved News 6 as Political Commentator
Sun Jan 14 22:36:21 +0000 2018
"A Thousand Lies for the God of Knives:" Liberals Mock Trump's "Flubbing" of Traditional Chant in Ceremony Meant to Honor the Lobster King
Sun Jan 14 22:30:36 +0000 2018
Blind Monks of the Wandering Tower Arrive in Caravan of Rickety Wooden Carts Drawn by Pale Horses, Bear Away Single… https://t.co/Outb468yU3
Sun Jan 14 22:24:53 +0000 2018
"The Fool Has No Idea The Powers With Which He Trifles:" Eminent Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice Denies Involvem… https://t.co/PVKRQGDGN9
Sun Jan 14 22:21:46 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Rings Single-Sided Gong, Flits Away Between the U… https://t.co/YuqaZjIiyu
Sun Jan 14 22:19:13 +0000 2018
"I Am To Hearken to the Words of Some Cringing Maiden Who Cravenly Forsook the Mantle of Divinity She Bought at Suc… https://t.co/eWfd43UqaA
Sun Jan 14 22:10:29 +0000 2018
"The Forbidden Arts Are Forbidden For A Reason:" Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold, Only Human Known to… https://t.co/JLVjB7Hxhy
Sun Jan 14 22:05:24 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Sen. Gladstone Fixes Vengeful Gaze on Reporter, Lights Single Black Candle, & Hoarsely Mutters… https://t.co/EV9SganBe8
Sun Jan 14 22:03:49 +0000 2018
"I'd Do It All Over Again:" State Senator Marcus Gladstone, Heavily Scarred Chest Bared & Clad Only in Animal Furs,… https://t.co/WsDpPTtueZ
Sun Jan 14 22:02:14 +0000 2018
Indiana State Senator Whose Failed Ascension to Godhood Caused Dozens of Tsunamis, Incalculable Property Damage and… https://t.co/tTRT71SS8l
Sun Jan 14 21:52:39 +0000 2018
Experts: "We're All Going To Die"
Sun Jan 14 21:49:37 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Archfungus spokesthrall: “Please remove all respiratory filters and enjoy the lovely weather”.
— @MonsieurLongIII
Sun Jan 14 21:47:13 +0000 2018
"Outstanding Work You Guys Are Doing," "It's Outstanding, I Love It:" Trump Heaps Praise on Nameless Corporation's… https://t.co/22mRhyNOlB
Sun Jan 14 21:44:59 +0000 2018
Trump to Visit Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York, Meet With Shadowy "Board of Directors"
Sun Jan 14 21:42:58 +0000 2018
US deploys nuclear-capable B-2 stealth bombers closer to Intel
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Jan 14 21:41:45 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Google Opens New Drone Base In Idlib https://t.co/QFIZgksuKg
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Jan 14 21:41:39 +0000 2018
Concerned Parents Dispute Account, Place Blame for Archfungus Outbreaks on "Disrespectful Teens" "Getting High on Spores"
Sun Jan 14 21:41:14 +0000 2018
Activists Warn Great Archfungus Outbreaks "Have Doubled in Frequency" Under Trump Administration, Blaming "Lackadaisical" Health Policy
Sun Jan 14 21:40:15 +0000 2018
Why We're Going to
REDACTED
Until [REDACTED] Unless [REDACTED]
Sun Jan 14 21:37:47 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Jeez, I wonder what could possibly have given the author that idea? (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
— @insomniacity
Sun Jan 14 00:26:18 +0000 2018
POLITICS: Why the Sect of the Lidless Eye Has Done an About-Face on Trump
Sat Jan 13 06:51:42 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/IYwJaRKqBE
Sat Jan 13 04:31:03 +0000 2018
If they'd legalize hugs we wouldn't have this problem. https://t.co/cqxcbVuMvf
— @Knightly65
Fri Jan 12 05:04:31 +0000 2018
@levinthauer @ApprovedNews6 👏 stop 👏 hugging 👏 the 👏 Children 👏
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 12 02:45:26 +0000 2018
@zacaj_ @ApprovedNews6 Think of the Children!™
— @levinthauer
Fri Jan 12 02:45:24 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 thank god someone is finally putting a stop to this depravity
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 12 02:28:22 +0000 2018
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Spokesdrone Latches Onto Reporter With Dozens of Spiked Tubes & Drains Ou… https://t.co/eUIkyCiYkN
Fri Jan 12 02:28:10 +0000 2018
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Electrifying Major Waterways to Deter "Shiftlessness," "Vagrancy"
Fri Jan 12 02:26:38 +0000 2018
How One Courageous Detective is Undermining the Illegal Hug Market
Fri Jan 12 02:19:28 +0000 2018
Dr. Jephremiah Blutkampf's First Foray into Historical Fiction Given "Five Out of Five
REDACTED
s" by New York Times
Thu Jan 11 18:50:11 +0000 2018
LITERATURE: This Brilliant, Disturbing Speculative Novel Posits A World Like Ours — But Where the First Compact of… https://t.co/KnreeHtOdt
Thu Jan 11 18:32:36 +0000 2018
WEIRD & WACKY:
Four Times the Golden Globe Award Was Accidentally Awarded to a Giant, Man-Eating Tarantula
Thu Jan 11 18:14:26 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Most Popular Baby & Clone Names Of 2017! We Bet You Didn't Know [REDACTED] Made The List—Find Out Wh… https://t.co/kXSBiZ4Tzf
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Jan 11 18:09:39 +0000 2018
We Interview Wandering Shrapnel Merchants in the Ruins of New York on the Best Ways to Avoid Culling by the Nameles… https://t.co/QlkRrSbexc
Thu Jan 11 18:06:21 +0000 2018
We Interview Wandering Shrapnel Merchants in the Ruins of New York on the Best Ways to Avoid Culling by the Nameles… https://t.co/QlkRrSbexc
Thu Jan 11 18:06:21 +0000 2018
UPDATE:
Approached After Leaving White House, Malgaron the False Vehemently Denies "Ridiculous Rumors"
Thu Jan 11 08:13:26 +0000 2018
As Sanders Rots from Within, Trump Reportedly in Talks With Malgaron the False, Prince of Deceit, For Press Secretary Position
Thu Jan 11 06:10:40 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/xDO4e5zN1Y
Wed Jan 10 23:17:07 +0000 2018
Florida Man Doxxed by Ancient Prophecy
Wed Jan 10 22:12:14 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/AXyXOXG6fL
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jan 10 22:09:30 +0000 2018
"Some of Them Might Be On, Like, Drugs:" Nervously Adjusting Earbuds, Local Communist Crosses Street to Avoid Homeless Person
Wed Jan 10 19:33:09 +0000 2018
Local Communist Has Elaborate Justifications for Refusal to Interact With Those Living in Poverty: Film at 11
Wed Jan 10 19:19:47 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Fake crosswords are a carcinogen though, so... just be careful, ya know?
— @solotheloso
Wed Jan 10 17:43:50 +0000 2018
NEW STUDY: https://t.co/URPMmCqBJj
Wed Jan 10 17:42:47 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 NEW MEMORY STUDY: https://t.co/3wTZRTXsxH
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jan 10 09:22:23 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Sessions's Statement Draws Cumdemnation From Erotican Amb-Assador: "Hummer-Buggery Is a Proud Erotican Tradicktion"
— @chas_lovett
Wed Jan 10 09:22:06 +0000 2018
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS When the Canticle of the Faceless Bowman is Recited by One Marked of the Dusk in the Canyon o… https://t.co/Heg2L8ab6o
Wed Jan 10 09:19:59 +0000 2018
In Faintly Hysterical Rant, Attorney General Sessions Accuses 47 Senators of "Humbuggery," Demands Punishment "In A… https://t.co/lh3ssTk8LG
Wed Jan 10 09:17:50 +0000 2018
LETTER TO THE EDITOR: I Don't Know What I Did, Or How Many I Killed, But I Am So Terribly Sorry
Tue Jan 09 23:34:08 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Why are my feet melting, and why does everything taste like fear
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Jan 09 22:36:15 +0000 2018
CAUGHT ON TAPE: This Child Was Created by Government Scientists in a Secret Lab — What He Does When He Sees Sunligh… https://t.co/i7lvC8HSkw
Tue Jan 09 22:09:13 +0000 2018
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 Right? Just because I have an infectious fruiting body sprouting from my skull doesn't me… https://t.co/4ZUZqTegeW
— @MonsieurLongIII
Tue Jan 09 20:40:46 +0000 2018
@MonsieurLongIII @ApprovedNews6 Oh good, I'm sorry for misreading your earlier comment. I just get so tired of peo… https://t.co/s79DmCIoeF
— @listelian
Tue Jan 09 20:40:37 +0000 2018
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 JOIN US IN MYCELIAL ENLIGHTENMENT
— @MonsieurLongIII
Tue Jan 09 20:40:35 +0000 2018
@MonsieurLongIII @ApprovedNews6 I don't exclude archfungi or thralls thereof from my social circles, and I think my… https://t.co/iASOfbbk6G
— @listelian
Tue Jan 09 20:40:27 +0000 2018
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wwuAQKlCju
— @zombiecalypse
Tue Jan 09 20:38:46 +0000 2018
@velartrill more @ApprovedNews6 leaking into reality https://t.co/ZX5j24mmlO
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Jan 09 20:36:35 +0000 2018
WORD OF THE DAY: https://t.co/6QdGm2hhkn
Tue Jan 09 08:56:18 +0000 2018
Analysts: "You Are Gonna Hate This"
Tue Jan 09 06:16:35 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 #3 is ｅｓｐｅｃｉａｌｌｙ ｆｕｎto try with that one friend who just can’t seem to let go of their tired memes! refreshing!
— @atax1a
Tue Jan 09 05:44:20 +0000 2018
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 By “dear friends”, you mean “fellow thralls of the Great Archfungus”, right?
— @MonsieurLongIII
Tue Jan 09 03:30:21 +0000 2018
Typical cisheteronormative bullshit that these are always phrased in terms of "families". My network of dear frien… https://t.co/YEQjKNEQSP
— @listelian
Tue Jan 09 03:18:49 +0000 2018
RELATED: President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Faces Rising Cliticism for "Hateful" Refugee Cristits Rhetordick
Tue Jan 09 00:12:49 +0000 2018
Sex Islands Pervolutionaries Call on Clitizens of Erotican Repubic to "Attain Ass Cuntsciousness," "Come Together in Revolubetionary Spirit"
Tue Jan 09 00:07:30 +0000 2018
4 Fun Family Activities You Can Do With The Indestructible Sphere That Appeared On Your Doorstep This Morning & Swallows All Light
Mon Jan 08 19:49:38 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 Erotican Repubic Begets Experimental Sexchequer Position https://t.co/s0Vdzn8VIf
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jan 08 19:47:14 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 At the same time, Nameless Corp necrobarristers sue for the right to "repossess" the dead. When qu… https://t.co/IK8fyjTwg3
— @notthategg
Mon Jan 08 19:20:47 +0000 2018
Paul Ryan "Rushed to Emergency Room" After Being "Pummeled by Sledgehogs"
Mon Jan 08 18:41:24 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 There was no fourth compact and you KNOW IT! Fake news!
— @insomniacity
Mon Jan 08 18:17:43 +0000 2018
WEIRD & WACKY:
Slaver-Queen on the Undaunted Plains Marches on Midwest With Her Sycophantic Legions
Mon Jan 08 11:37:24 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 In other news, "Shooting First" an Approved News 6 exclusive on surviving to report from outside the New York Ruins
— @axdeath
Mon Jan 08 05:38:08 +0000 2018
Bone Oracles on Whispering Woods: "The Forest-Heart Has Begun to Beat"
Mon Jan 08 03:19:23 +0000 2018
"They're Building a God in There:" Fatally Wounded Whistleblower Escapes Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York,… https://t.co/z30Gdll1Dz
Mon Jan 08 03:18:42 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: You're ok, you're ok, don't tell Mom
— @mikedoherty_ca
Mon Jan 08 02:45:13 +0000 2018
Experts: "Ow"
Sun Jan 07 23:30:53 +0000 2018
7 Signs the Prince of Mold Has Come to Claim You (As Foredestined in Ancient Times by the Fourth Compact of the Congress-to-Come)
Sun Jan 07 22:27:39 +0000 2018
@Zaikarion @ApprovedNews6 @bofh453 𒈾𒀜𒁀𒄷?! In this economy?
— @TopherGrey
Sun Jan 07 08:07:56 +0000 2018
New Study: You Will Beg for the Torment to Cease
Sun Jan 07 07:17:54 +0000 2018
Concerned Parents Blame Catastrophic Tornado on "Hoodlums & Miscreants"
Sun Jan 07 06:56:50 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 @bofh453 1. 𒂁𒃻𒋫𒆸𒄷𒄭𒄿 2. 𒋛𒁰𒈦 3. 𒈾𒀜𒁀𒄷 4. 𒅗𒅗𒋛𒂵𒌵𒆠
— @Zaikarion
Sun Jan 07 06:11:54 +0000 2018
LIFESTYLE: 4 Fun Lifehacks You Can Do With Just A Vial of Blood, A Pair of Antlers, A Carving Knife, & A Few Simple Phrases in Akkadian
Sun Jan 07 00:20:40 +0000 2018
Florida Man Likes Own Tweet
Sat Jan 06 22:50:16 +0000 2018
Trump Vows Crackdown on Gender Trafficking
Sat Jan 06 22:30:37 +0000 2018
illegal ghost alert
— @illegalgt
Sat Jan 06 21:00:47 +0000 2018
7 Reasons We've Chemically Conditioned this Ostrich to Kill — Are You #4?
Sat Jan 06 20:58:34 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 "Centipedes," -Alt Think Tank Dissents
— @whatafungame
Sat Jan 06 18:13:02 +0000 2018
"Spiders," Experts Agree
Sat Jan 06 17:59:59 +0000 2018
INTERNATIONAL:
Sarin Ass Attack Linked to Cunter-Revolubetionary Forces in the Sex Islands
Sat Jan 06 04:09:41 +0000 2018
CAUGHT ON TAPE: Silent Duke of the Silken Glade Beheads He-Who-Sups-On-Madness at the Unending Hour of the Dread Boar
Fri Jan 05 20:50:32 +0000 2018
Man Gored by Cop Turns to Dark Magic for Vengeance — What Happens Next Will Warm Your Heart
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jan 05 18:36:28 +0000 2018
Is It Unethical to Sacrifice the Dead? We Ask a Panel of Ethicists, Tonight at the Flaying Hour — Only on Approved News 6!
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jan 05 18:36:08 +0000 2018
In "Biting Satire" of Neo-Nazi Movement, Liberal Comedian Massacres Thousands of Non-White "Degenerates," Declares… https://t.co/OQraAZoOYX
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jan 05 18:36:01 +0000 2018
@dan_yurkovic @ApprovedNews6 Artisanal fascism
— @bat_scholar
Fri Jan 05 18:32:40 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 It's ironic, you see
— @dan_yurkovic
Fri Jan 05 18:32:38 +0000 2018
'Mysterious void' halts train services in Cumbria https://t.co/88Gqw4IGqj
— @guardian
Fri Jan 05 18:28:19 +0000 2018
In "Biting Satire" of Neo-Nazi Movement, Liberal Comedian Massacres Thousands of Non-White "Degenerates," Declares… https://t.co/OQraAZoOYX
Fri Jan 05 12:20:21 +0000 2018
Is It Unethical to Sacrifice the Dead? We Ask a Panel of Ethicists, Tonight at the Flaying Hour — Only on Approved News 6!
Fri Jan 05 11:54:48 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/oeQebbmdE7
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Jan 05 02:47:27 +0000 2018
"If You Even Look At A Heroin You Will Die:" Concerned Parents Launch New Anti-Drug Campaign
Fri Jan 05 02:46:37 +0000 2018
Trump Blames "Pot Fiends," "LSD Addicts" for Rising Crime Rates
Fri Jan 05 02:44:59 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 I know this makes a nice feel-good headline, but unless this is actually funded for once it won't do… https://t.co/mI0P0n6XVS
— @listelian
Thu Jan 04 21:39:09 +0000 2018
Department of Blood, Sex, and Death Orders All Citizens Found Wearing "Boyfriend Jeans" in a Public Place "Thrown M… https://t.co/tTRJabYqa2
Thu Jan 04 20:59:50 +0000 2018
Ah. @ApprovedNews6 I think this one is yours. https://t.co/9FnTVgIXLo
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Wed Jan 03 18:25:00 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 League of Cardiopyromancers: “Wasn’t us.”
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed Jan 03 18:24:48 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 No, really it raised the ambient temperature in a 100km radius
— @AndrewNCassidy
Tue Jan 02 23:37:57 +0000 2018
Man Gored by Cop Turns to Dark Magic for Vengeance — What Happens Next Will Warm Your Heart
Tue Jan 02 21:08:07 +0000 2018
dude never recovered from selling that peanut farm https://t.co/P74lIDaZeD
— @coconono
Tue Jan 02 18:38:16 +0000 2018
Jimmy Carter, Clad in Rotting Animal Skins and Weighed Down by Uncountable Amulets, Warns that "Thousands" of Souls… https://t.co/PLJ9gljh09
Tue Jan 02 18:01:10 +0000 2018
Who We Killed This Holiday Season
Tue Jan 02 09:48:49 +0000 2018
Shaking Up Washington: Donald Trump Just Appointed A Cloaked Man As Secretary Of The Hook https://t.co/grdbkUeJzN https://t.co/RHJErv76u4
— @ClickHole
Tue Jan 02 04:31:27 +0000 2018
@ApprovedNews6 MAriE hArE StATE dePT SPOKESpersoN https://t.co/LHjCr6ZSrb
— @mcclure111
Sun Dec 31 18:59:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 PHOTO GALLERY: New National Flag Raised In Solemn Ceremony [Age Verification Required To View]
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Dec 30 19:06:57 +0000 2017
"The Workers Are All Being Loud And Ethnic:" Trump Interview on White House Repairs Disintegrates Into Televised Sobbing Fit
Wed Dec 27 23:14:39 +0000 2017
7 Creative Ways to Best Your Rival With Apps
Tue Dec 26 17:37:55 +0000 2017
FELLATED: Pervolutionaries in Neighboring Sex Islands Seize Fapital, Dicklare "People's Re-pube-lick"
Tue Dec 26 17:08:42 +0000 2017
A Developing Demcockracy Suffers as Erotican Repubic Cuntinues to be Plagued by Fake Nudes
Tue Dec 26 16:59:38 +0000 2017
"Not in the Spirit of Christmas at All:" Heroic Arch-General Horace the Undying Resurrects, Criticizes Trump for "Self-Centered" Message
Tue Dec 26 15:24:32 +0000 2017
President Donald Trump's First Year in Jail
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Dec 26 15:21:11 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Issues Urgent Statement https://t.co/EyunRE7VQM
Tue Dec 26 01:35:02 +0000 2017
Hundreds of Citizens Join Impromptu Parade as White House Returned to D.C, All Wearing Home-Made Blindfolds & Hummi… https://t.co/Mu8GpLo3pm
Tue Dec 26 01:08:12 +0000 2017
Mexican Immigration Officials Turn White House Over to FBI Custody
Tue Dec 26 01:07:28 +0000 2017
Interrogated by Federales, Lutwidge Admits to Stealing White House in Split Second Before Arch-General Horace the U… https://t.co/aQgwCqWDq8
Tue Dec 26 01:03:42 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Infamous Thief Annabelle Lutwidge Captured Attempting to Smuggle Seemingly Undamaged White House Across Mexican Border
Tue Dec 26 01:00:19 +0000 2017
I'm Charles J. Bloodhorn, and I believe that if we just work together, we can accomplish anything. -CJB
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:54:01 +0000 2017
To those of you who will benefit from these new scholarships, let me just say I hope I one day have the opportunity… https://t.co/3DPucTwtWA
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:56 +0000 2017
It is my hope — and it was my dear friend Horace's hope as well — that this foundation will encourage young men, wo… https://t.co/RxgYlSN3Ek
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:51 +0000 2017
This foundation, funded both by my on modest fortune and the sizable sum willed to it by the late Arch-General will… https://t.co/Oo4OlHJHlT
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:45 +0000 2017
The Arch-General was known worldwide for his formidable military skills, but his humanitarian genius has long been… https://t.co/etCY4HbqGQ
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:41 +0000 2017
I was privileged in my life to consider the late Arch-General a personal friend. I will never forget the long night… https://t.co/LH98ObaUmt
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:36 +0000 2017
Tonight we've lost a truly great man. A man whose life was defined by bravery and self-sacrifice, by dedication to… https://t.co/dy75sZifWc
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Dec 26 00:53:31 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Issues Statement https://t.co/asgEvP01jF
Tue Dec 26 00:51:48 +0000 2017
Speaking To Press, Still Visibly Coated in Foul Orange Sludge, Trump Claims Credit for "Christmas Miracle," Final Defeat of Santa Claus
Tue Dec 26 00:13:01 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
After Much Thrashing, White House Spokesman Transforms Bodily into President Trump, Seemingly Uninjured Des… https://t.co/VZHfPdr3kj
Tue Dec 26 00:11:04 +0000 2017
Press Conference Outside Ruins of White House Interrupted as Loathesome Orange Sludge Seeps From Sewer Grates to Smother Spokesman
Tue Dec 26 00:09:54 +0000 2017
"His Heroic Sacrifice Has Finally Bought Mankind Victory in the Desperate Thousand-Year War on Christmas:" Joint Ch… https://t.co/Crcj9chcLn
Tue Dec 26 00:07:30 +0000 2017
Trump Nowhere to be Found After Nuclear Detonation Obliterates White House — Men in Red Armani Suits, Presumed Repr… https://t.co/viFjboIF1O
Mon Dec 25 23:59:52 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self by Leaping Into Santa's Gaping Maw, Detonating Tactical Nuclear Weapon
Mon Dec 25 23:58:09 +0000 2017
Wielding Twice-Blessed, Thrice-Cursed Tactical Nuclear Warhead, Arch-General Horace Assails Santa Claus as Men in R… https://t.co/1Ep61n8zK7
Mon Dec 25 23:56:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Arrives at White House, Flanked by Dozens of Men in Red Armani Suits
Mon Dec 25 23:55:04 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Non-Approved News Sources Should Not be Spoken of in the Presence of Lesser Mammals, Weak-Minded Children https://t.co/vFGGEse9e0
Mon Dec 25 23:54:34 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Issues "Blistering Condemnation" of Santa's Attempt to Rebuild North Pole in Nation's Capital
Mon Dec 25 23:45:33 +0000 2017
Grainy Footage From White House Security Cameras Confirms Afflicted Guests "Almost Fully Transformed" into Santa's Little Helpers
Mon Dec 25 23:39:58 +0000 2017
Earth's Magnetic Field Begins Suddenly to Shift, North Pole Moving at Hundreds of Miles Per Hour Towards Washington, D.C.
Mon Dec 25 23:39:12 +0000 2017
Screaming Dinner Guests Fall to Knees, Bodies Warping Grotesquely, Ears Elongating as Santa's Hundreds of Eyes Begin to Glow
Mon Dec 25 23:35:48 +0000 2017
Trump, Backed Into Corner & Howling With Inhuman Rage, Doubles in Size, Renews Struggle Against Santa Claus
Mon Dec 25 23:33:53 +0000 2017
Celebratory Jewelry Made From Ruins of North Pole Begins to Extrude Red & Green Tendrils Into Bodies of Hapless Guests
Mon Dec 25 23:32:53 +0000 2017
Joint Christmas Defense Force Orders Nuclear Weapons Worldwide Prepared for Launch
Mon Dec 25 23:30:23 +0000 2017
D.C. Evacuated as Ionizing Radiation RIses Towards Lethal Levels
Mon Dec 25 23:28:36 +0000 2017
Trapped in White House, Trump Engages Lurching Remains of Santa Claus in One-on-One Combat, Wieldling Femurs Torn f… https://t.co/efAorZMy8l
Mon Dec 25 23:27:57 +0000 2017
Reached for Comment, Retired Arch-General Horace the Undying Announces Immediate Re-Establishment of Joint Christma… https://t.co/xYgwndlWGB
Mon Dec 25 23:24:30 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Unidentified Entity Breaches White House; Surviving Secret Service Officers Report Hearing Low, Strangled U… https://t.co/RSzZdXAhYE
Mon Dec 25 23:22:11 +0000 2017
Unidentified Entity Begins Lumbering Towards White House, Dark, Acidic Substance Oozing from Lacerations Along Its… https://t.co/lhfbCPzUtK
Mon Dec 25 23:19:03 +0000 2017
Oversized, Gasping, Mangled Figure of What Might Once Have Been Humanoid Staggers from River, Clawing its Way onto Bank
Mon Dec 25 23:16:37 +0000 2017
Spike in
REDACTED
Levels Detected in Potomac as Waters Begin to Churn
Mon Dec 25 23:14:26 +0000 2017
"Nothing Is Wrong," "Everything's Fine, Guys," "Would You Quit That Already:" Trump Attempts to Force Box of Magic… https://t.co/sqFqRjPtiV
Mon Dec 25 23:08:46 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on "Unprecedented" Behavior by Box of Magic Teeth, Horrified Bone Oracles Cut Out Own Tongues,… https://t.co/UNZNTcAPoG
Mon Dec 25 22:57:17 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Box of Magic Teeth Passed Down from President to President Since Time Immemorial Begins to Levitate, Buzz
Mon Dec 25 22:55:47 +0000 2017
Democrats Slam Trump's "Pathetic Opportunism:" End of Christmas "Accidental Consequence" of the Late Gov. Pence's S… https://t.co/0bpQyG4V9M
Mon Dec 25 22:54:50 +0000 2017
"America is Safe from the Yuletide Menace Forever:" Trump Hands Out Highly Irradiated Celebratory Jewelry Commissio… https://t.co/8einrNrJBC
Mon Dec 25 22:51:30 +0000 2017
Trump Holds Lavish Party Commemorating His 2016 Defeat of Santa Claus
Mon Dec 25 22:44:21 +0000 2017
"Never Before Have We Faced Such a Potent Ideological Threat to Our Earthly Hegemony," All Members of Ruling Class… https://t.co/cZp9i1W3sb
Mon Dec 25 20:28:20 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
DSA Invents Socialism
Mon Dec 25 20:26:02 +0000 2017
@contingencymsgs Alerting @ApprovedNews6 CASE RAINBOW BANGSTICK
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Mon Dec 25 18:24:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Yeah, yeah, it sounds all fancy but I bet this is just another one of those "replace your incandesce… https://t.co/TX2LBSJzM8
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Dec 24 16:27:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Bronzer copays waived; breast implants mandatory with all outpatient procedures; heavily subsidized… https://t.co/uLYa8DwVB6
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Dec 24 11:34:15 +0000 2017
How We're Going to Make You Long for the Dying of the Light Eternal
Sun Dec 24 08:16:24 +0000 2017
DEA to Crack Down on Tylenol
Sat Dec 23 02:36:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: That Claim Does Not Stand Up To Rudimentary Scrutiny (See Appendix 4c) - by Timmy Johnson, age 8, ph.d.
— @TBSkyen
Sat Dec 23 02:20:30 +0000 2017
OPINION:
"Manxiety" is Destroying America
Sat Dec 23 02:20:12 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Kids These Days Aren't Gullible Enough
Sat Dec 23 02:02:03 +0000 2017
Reporting like this disgusts me. Gravity isn't something we can "run out of", and acting like it is just advances t… https://t.co/6QlmMsgHkm
— @listelian
Sat Dec 23 01:15:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Embrace the future and one another. Hold each other still for the harvest.
— @popolopof
Fri Dec 22 22:05:31 +0000 2017
Trump, Pressed on Resignation of His Most Trusted Adviser, Stares Silently at Reporters, Pupils Slowly Contracting… https://t.co/txQwNOrjjh
Fri Dec 22 21:01:29 +0000 2017
Magic Snake Resigns From Trump Administration Post, Announces Forthcoming Tell-All Book
Fri Dec 22 20:59:08 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Florida Man Conquers Mars; Routed, Nazi Martians Flee Solar System
Fri Dec 22 20:57:22 +0000 2017
Trump Vows to Crack Down on Illicit Production, Sale of Nebraska Terror Serum
Fri Dec 22 20:55:26 +0000 2017
Deleted User 704 Makes Shocking Claims Regarding Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York, "The Symbiote"
Fri Dec 22 20:50:28 +0000 2017
How the Illegal Hug Trade is Decimating America's Schools
Fri Dec 22 20:49:22 +0000 2017
i'm also nearly out of food benefits for the next few weeks. so if any of you have even a few dollars to spare for… https://t.co/ajIIzChf2X
— @velartrill
Fri Dec 22 20:43:07 +0000 2017
hey all. i really hate asking for help like this but @ApprovedNews6 isn't bringing in enough money and i'm heading… https://t.co/dfB8wHYoPT
— @velartrill
Fri Dec 22 20:43:04 +0000 2017
In Cuntroversial Move, Erotican Repubic Bans Skimport of Prodickts Cumtaining High Fucktose Porn Syrup, Citing "Harmful Effuckts" on Health
Fri Dec 22 20:36:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OP-ED: Millennials Are Killing the Gravity Industry
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Dec 22 20:24:58 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why I Promised my Firstborn to the Russians in Exchange for the Power of Prophecy
Fri Dec 22 20:24:53 +0000 2017
Are We Running Out of Gravity?
Fri Dec 22 20:24:07 +0000 2017
How the End of Gnat Neutrality Could Affect the Great Devouring Swarm
Fri Dec 22 18:55:41 +0000 2017
FDA Bans Coca-Cholera From Stores as Death Toll Rises
Fri Dec 22 01:52:26 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Hundreds of "GRUESOME BADGER"-Tier Patrons Downgraded to Tier "LAMBENT MINSTREL"; Death Toll Described as "Horrific"
Thu Dec 21 22:42:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Oh, uh...
— @WingerB17
Thu Dec 21 21:33:12 +0000 2017
SPECIAL REPORT: A Look Ahead at America's Arachno-Authoritarian Future, as Foretold in the Prophecy of the Great Cockroach
Thu Dec 21 10:08:54 +0000 2017
Fortunately, I’m close enough to being a millennial that I can pass as one. HELLO FELLOW MILLENNIALS. I DO NOT ACTU… https://t.co/vdPx9xwyUi
— @jurijuri
Thu Dec 21 09:52:36 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Newslords Place Reporter in Comically Oversized Burlap Sack, Flee Scene https://t.co/BPR1antBGO
Thu Dec 21 06:59:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: This is what grandpa always says when we leave him in the nursing home
— @ikirker
Thu Dec 21 01:18:29 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Millennials Are Killing Me; They Have Manifested a Life-Draining Aura & With It Are Fueling Their Unnatura… https://t.co/kP82iGDGti
Thu Dec 21 01:16:17 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Experts Howl With Laughter
Wed Dec 20 22:15:13 +0000 2017
EXPOSÉ: How Government Sex Facilities Are Changing Under Trump
Wed Dec 20 20:47:55 +0000 2017
OPINION:
https://t.co/EKm2F5Lmck
Wed Dec 20 18:03:09 +0000 2017
Uh Oh
Wed Dec 20 17:12:49 +0000 2017
Google: Top Queries for December 2017 "Endogenous Methamphetamine," "How Can It See Me Without Any Eyes," & "Words Teenagers Can't Hear"
Wed Dec 20 05:09:46 +0000 2017
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/lR9DSczTuQ
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Dec 20 03:26:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Field agents encourage the public to contact a professional HazMagic team if they suspect usage. Local demonologists warn of concurrent use of Angel Dust and advise use of protective blasphemies.
— @DungeonFacts
Tue Dec 19 22:19:57 +0000 2017
Cursed Fairy Meth is "Ravaging" the South, Say Hex Enforcement Agency Officials
Tue Dec 19 22:09:08 +0000 2017
A water fountain at the EPA backed up and started spewing sewage into the hallway https://t.co/ct1LtxAO2M https://t.co/WdZVVlNt5O
— @RobertMaguire_
Tue Dec 19 20:09:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Whatever.
— @neil_pettifer
Tue Dec 19 16:31:23 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Responds by Demolishing Ancient Temple to Reveal Detailed Inscriptions of Lyrics to Band's Next Album Engraved in Foundation
Tue Dec 19 10:34:10 +0000 2017
Thoughtpunk Band "Astral Impaction" Cancels Planned Forbidden Lands Tour, Citing "Prophecy"
Tue Dec 19 09:56:00 +0000 2017
@xmakina @ApprovedNews6 @Alecto101 UPDATE: Take Increasingly, Swelteringly Hot
— @massedriver
Tue Dec 19 09:45:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @Alecto101 HOT TAKE: This is Fine Actually
— @xmakina
Tue Dec 19 09:31:43 +0000 2017
Experts: "Welp"
Tue Dec 19 05:58:26 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
"LAMBENT MINSTREL"-Tier Patrons Should Wear Loose Clothing And Carry Photo ID At All Times
Tue Dec 19 03:23:13 +0000 2017
HOT OR NOT: Is It Time For Men to Stop Flaunting Their "Bropinions"? Find Out What Women Think of This Wacky New Trend, Tonight at 11!
Tue Dec 19 03:20:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I could be wrong though, it might be more than that.
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Dec 19 03:08:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 To be on the safe side, I'm assuming it's all of them
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Dec 19 03:07:58 +0000 2017
Trump Flees White House Due to Unspecified "Sin"
Tue Dec 19 02:55:57 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
"LAMBENT MINSTREL"-Tier Patrons Are Considered "Excess Biomass" by the Nameless Corporation in the Ruins of New York
Tue Dec 19 02:23:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Listen, after they gutted the HOLLOW-EYED OPOSSUM-tier patron perks, I'll take my chances
— @Loganchance
Tue Dec 19 02:21:51 +0000 2017
Experts Recommend "Transparency," "Policy of Noninterference" With "Legitimate Journalistic Enterprise" https://t.co/4hs2GHjdLR
Tue Dec 19 02:19:13 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
"LAMBENT MINSTREL"-Tier Patrons May Be Subject to "Extraordinary Rendition" by "The Department" at "Any Time"
Tue Dec 19 02:10:17 +0000 2017
WARNING: "GRUESOME BADGER"-Tier Patrons Who Do Not Recite the Wailing Hymn Of the Sunken Prince at the Appointed Hour May Be Downgraded to Tier "LAMBENT MINSTREL" Without Further Notice
Tue Dec 19 00:14:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Jesus Fucking Christ
— @TBSkyen
Mon Dec 18 23:48:06 +0000 2017
OPINION:
What the Fuck
Mon Dec 18 22:57:00 +0000 2017
Pro-Levitation Activists Organize Washington "Hover-In" to Protest S.B. 1770
Mon Dec 18 22:21:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 SMH, essentially all of the earthquakes that punish us for trying to escape the earth's grasp are from air and space travel, not hobbyists floating a couple feet off the ground.
— @TrivialGravitas
Mon Dec 18 04:52:40 +0000 2017
Senate Approves Bill Enacting "Harsh Penalties" for "the Sin of Levitation"
Sun Dec 17 23:16:30 +0000 2017
Why the Methuselan Terrorbird is Our Pick for
REDACTED
in 2018
Sun Dec 17 22:22:32 +0000 2017
Researchers Develop Memetically Administered Antibiotic
Sun Dec 17 03:15:12 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Victim — Unpaid Internship; No Application Necessary
Sat Dec 16 22:34:20 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Reporter — Salary $15 per Pulitzer Prize; Must Be Cunning & Resourceful, Certified Uncontaminated
Sat Dec 16 22:33:25 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Shrieker-upon-Belfries — Unpaid Internship; Voice Must Set Mortal Men A-Trembling; Fluency in Proto-Sumerian a Plus
Sat Dec 16 22:31:43 +0000 2017
Newslords: Arachnoturges Urged to Apply for Positions in Marketing https://t.co/CNqP3t7544
Sat Dec 16 22:24:43 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Slave Driver — Salary 7 Healthy Workers per Year; Must Be Certified Uncontaminated, Bring Own Whip
Sat Dec 16 22:23:54 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Copyeditor — Salary 600 Obols per Fortnight; Must Be Skilled in Arachnomancy, Use of Heavy Weapons; Humans Preferred
Sat Dec 16 22:22:09 +0000 2017
READ NOW: 7 Fun Ways to Subvert the Eternal Edict of the Whispering Congregation
Sat Dec 16 22:16:57 +0000 2017
"Submit," Say Sources
Sat Dec 16 22:16:07 +0000 2017
Archaeologists: https://t.co/bmkP7aZTiA
Sat Dec 16 18:50:27 +0000 2017
@martijaxn @ApprovedNews6 Should come to Oregon. The Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword are always hiring experienced flensers, regardless of formal education status. Just last week in my shop we [REDACTED] a [REDACTED] on the [REDACTED]. Lots of opportunity, only moderate chance of [REDACTED].
— @chas_lovett
Sat Dec 16 18:45:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i used to be certified on a flensing machine, but once you get your college degree, they don't let you do it anymore...
— @martijaxn
Sat Dec 16 11:07:45 +0000 2017
Alabama Continues to Allow Execution by "Blowing from Cannon," "Manual Strangulation," "Spatula," "Flensing Machine," And "
GLOWING FORSAKEN RUNE
"
Sat Dec 16 08:25:14 +0000 2017
Alabama Department of Justice Discontinues Use of Methaxetal in Lethal Injection After Clinical Trials Reveal High Risk of Hauntings
Sat Dec 16 08:20:39 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Avert Occurrences of Event Golf-17 With This One Weird Trick, Discovered by a Mom — The Sunset Convocation HATES Her!
Sat Dec 16 07:40:58 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Security Experts Devise World's Most Inconvenient Authentication Scheme
Sat Dec 16 07:09:37 +0000 2017
Experts: "I Mean, Ugh," "Like, Okay, Whatever, Be That Way" https://t.co/DO8cb4xvDc
Sat Dec 16 06:45:00 +0000 2017
"Just Saying," Say Experts: "You Could Just Like, Not"
Sat Dec 16 06:06:08 +0000 2017
Experts: "You Know, Maybe Just, Don't"
Sat Dec 16 06:05:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Millennials are Destroying Misery
— @tomscud
Fri Dec 15 22:23:08 +0000 2017
omg someone saw my MAT 280 class https://t.co/QyXuuJbMF9
— @jurijuri
Fri Dec 15 22:20:10 +0000 2017
Are the Youth of Today Addicted to Happiness? Find Out the Shocking Truth Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Fri Dec 15 22:10:10 +0000 2017
CAUGHT ON TAPE: Heartwarming Video Shows Small-Town Sheriff Explaining Game Theory to a Cramped Cage Full of Howler Monkeys
Fri Dec 15 21:12:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 #3 will shock you: 1200 V energized privacy ward on her bedroom door.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Dec 15 15:12:27 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Genocide Advocates Should Be Ashamed of Their Irresponsible Attempts to Deplete the Pool of Expendable Laborers That Made Our Nation What It Is Today
Fri Dec 15 07:38:52 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Mass Murder and Genocide are Not Only Presidential, But the Greatest of American Virtues
Fri Dec 15 07:36:41 +0000 2017
White House Has Ordered Over 700 "Katanas of Ethnic Cleansing" Since February From Single Mysterious Seller, Says eBay — Should We Be Worried?
Fri Dec 15 06:25:01 +0000 2017
Anthony Weiner Cries Because There's No Evidence Russians Changed "Any Votes"
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Dec 14 23:11:42 +0000 2017
Warlocks Anonymous: "No Such Thing" as "Responsible Use" of Dark Magic; Harm Reduction Efforts "Misguided" https://t.co/BsO63fsukT
Thu Dec 14 23:03:30 +0000 2017
Is Your Teenage Daughter Abusing Dark Magic? Five Signs You Should Be Worried For Your Family's Flesh Purity
Thu Dec 14 22:58:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And I am glad to take it. We have to stay informed. We have to stay informed. We h
— @LOSTRAD1O
Thu Dec 14 22:57:24 +0000 2017
Experts Dismissively Recommend "CNN" https://t.co/PVuZSgdkbd
Thu Dec 14 22:57:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Joke's on you, I got my news vaccine just last week.
— @solotheloso
Thu Dec 14 22:53:15 +0000 2017
TONIGHT: We Bring You The News No One Else Can, The News No One Else Will, The News That Would Bring Lesser Agencies To Their Knees, The News That Cuts, The News That Tears, The News That Burrows Deep In Your Supple Flesh & Makes Its Hive Within You
Thu Dec 14 22:52:07 +0000 2017
EXCLUSIVE: Available Soon for "GRUESOME BADGER"-Tier Subscribers: Shocking Transcript of Internal Twitter Meeting Leaked by Whistleblower
Thu Dec 14 22:50:19 +0000 2017
Enterprising Student Seeks to Crowd-Fund School Shooting
Thu Dec 14 03:55:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: The Newslord's Hunger Cannot Be Sated, Only Appeased Temporarily
— @almafeta
Wed Dec 13 23:56:38 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Support Approved News Sources & Help the Eternal Council of Newslords Pay Its Starving Flocks of Hollow-Eyed Interns https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Dec 13 23:47:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Letter To The Editor: https://t.co/Ma11FNuJKa
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Dec 13 22:05:39 +0000 2017
How Evil Cubes Are Changing the Paradigm
Wed Dec 13 20:56:18 +0000 2017
Ants Collecting DNA, Biometrics From Millions in Xinjiang: Report
— @hail_ants_bot
Wed Dec 13 17:47:19 +0000 2017
Rumored Sighting of "Discontinued Item #4" in Ruins of New York Dismissed by Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Mervin Moongristle
Wed Dec 13 16:34:23 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
@ApprovedNews5 Is No Longer Approved, And Should Not Be Mentioned Aloud in the Presence of Easily Corruptible Insects https://t.co/Ew7U5HSfem
Wed Dec 13 07:17:12 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
https://t.co/L3shzh8d0g
Wed Dec 13 07:12:08 +0000 2017
@monosynth @ApprovedNews6 I pulled this image up on my phone and my dog started growling at me, that's normal right
— @tuxedo_and_sass
Wed Dec 13 07:02:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/mHmp18NoWS
— @monosynth
Wed Dec 13 06:42:16 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You're Going to Regret It
Wed Dec 13 06:41:27 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You Shouldn't Have Done That
Wed Dec 13 06:40:17 +0000 2017
How We're Going to Make You Pay
Wed Dec 13 06:39:39 +0000 2017
OPINION:
A Curfew is Not Enough — It's Time for San Francisco Needs to Crack Down on the Hooligan Class
Wed Dec 13 04:47:56 +0000 2017
ALABAMA UPSET: Pedophilia Advocate Roy Moore Loses Election Bid, Is Dragged Screaming Into Mirror by Baleful Shadow Tendrils, Never to Be Seen Again
Wed Dec 13 03:41:02 +0000 2017
"A Shocking Affinititty Crime:" Ass-ociation of Eroto-American Bitsness Owners Repudiates Actions of Human Traffdickers
Wed Dec 13 01:34:37 +0000 2017
Cumdreds of American Skimport/Sexport Businesses Found to be Traffdicking Refugees from the Erotican Repubic
Wed Dec 13 01:15:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I didn't mean to imply clones aren't real people. Clones deserve to be recognized as our gastronomic equals.
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Dec 13 01:11:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I #StandWithKelloggs—it's time we recognize clones are just as delicious and nutritious as real people.
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Dec 13 01:11:07 +0000 2017
"I Think We Can Work With That Which Bestrode The Newborn Earth," "What's It Matter If A Few Mortals Go Extinct?" Trump Expresses "Deep Respect" for Anti-Human Protesters
Tue Dec 12 22:58:20 +0000 2017
That Which Bestrode The Newborn Earth Marches on Washington to Demand Extinction of Human Race, Return of "Our Ancient Dominion"
Tue Dec 12 22:56:18 +0000 2017
Activists Decry President's "Hypocrisy" on Clone Rights, Noting Executive Branch Under Trump Employs More Hitler Clones Than Any Previous Administration
Tue Dec 12 22:53:54 +0000 2017
Pressed on Clone Rights, Trump Opens Hundreds of Beady Red Eyes Across His Body, Emits Low Gurgle
Tue Dec 12 22:51:39 +0000 2017
"#StandWithKelloggs" Hashtag Begins Trending on Twitter As Clones Nationwide Speak Out Against FDA Ruling
Tue Dec 12 22:49:09 +0000 2017
Kellogg's Slams FDA Ruling: "The Notion That Clones Are Not Real People is a Hateful Relic of This Country's Bigoted Past"
Tue Dec 12 22:47:00 +0000 2017
FDA Fines Kellogg's for Falsely Promoting Kids' Breakfast Cereals as "Made With Real Kids"
Tue Dec 12 22:45:21 +0000 2017
@ireneista @ApprovedNews6 despair will never be discontinued
— @Xhumed
Tue Dec 12 04:47:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 also hugely appreciate those of you who've stuck with me despite patreon's idiotic and self-serving fee changes. unfortunately i have no real alternative to it right now. https://t.co/76qHXTXxht
— @velartrill
Tue Dec 12 04:40:25 +0000 2017
hi @approvednews6 supporters. i have no idea when or if i'm going to get back to a regular publishing schedule. my life is busy imploding so an6 is gonna be on the back burner for a while. as always, thank you for your generous donations; they're the reason i'm still alive.
— @velartrill
Tue Dec 12 04:36:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oooh! Ooh! We have a guess Is discontinued item #7 despair?
— @ireneista
Tue Dec 12 02:36:49 +0000 2017
Reporters, Pressing for Details, Seized by Nameless Corporation's Clanking, White-Eyed Drones, Violently Implanted with "The Symbiote"
Tue Dec 12 01:22:07 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Reports Technical, Ontological Challenges in Attempts to Take Up Manufacture of Discontinued Item #7
Tue Dec 12 01:21:19 +0000 2017
Study: https://t.co/mCEcHmNJnM
Tue Dec 12 01:12:09 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Wail in Time to the Growing Whispers; Give Your Mind to That Which Lurks Behind the Fractures; Submit to Transcension & Be Glorified https://t.co/XYXO7Fh4FI
Mon Dec 11 20:05:07 +0000 2017
"Believe Us, We Tried," Say Experts: "To Say the Result Was Racially Offensive Would Be the Understatement of the Week"
Mon Dec 11 19:57:51 +0000 2017
Experts: Citizens "Absolutely Should Not Under Any Circumstances" Reinterpret Stock Graphs From Affected Period as Audio Waveforms And Play Them Backwards At High Volume in the Presence of a Properly Consecrated Hawkblood Charm
Mon Dec 11 19:55:04 +0000 2017
Citing THE INCIDENT, Experts Urge Citizens Not to Attempt Decoding Forbidden Information Encoded in Stock Fluctuations Over the Period of January 2016 to June 2017
Mon Dec 11 19:49:10 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Massive International Conspiracy Uncovered to Encode Forbidden Information in Stock Price Fluctuations
Mon Dec 11 19:43:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Inexpensive Cursed Fairy Meth Often Contains Over 50% Common Goblin Bones
— @drockney
Mon Dec 11 01:50:22 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Get Ahead in the Workplace With Cursed Fairy Meth — Only $50 A Gram!
Mon Dec 11 01:32:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm glad to see there's at least one entity on Earth that still has public speaking skills!
— @joe_no_privacy
Sun Dec 10 23:43:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 AGAIN???
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Dec 10 23:42:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I suppose it takes courage to embrace progress.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sun Dec 10 22:21:07 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Spokesdrone Emits Steady Tone at Inaudible Frequency That Nonetheless Provokes Instinctual Panic & Terror Among All Present
Sun Dec 10 22:15:50 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York "Ramping Up" Symbiote Implantations, Say Frightened Locals
Sun Dec 10 22:15:18 +0000 2017
CAUGHT ON TAPE: Grainy Bystander Footage Appears to Show Trump, Clad in Bloodstained, Ill-Fitting Suit, Digging Hole After Hole in White House Lawn With Bare Hands Shortly After Midnight, Periodically Howling
Sun Dec 10 22:08:50 +0000 2017
Paul Ryan, Labeled "Bacteriological Calamity" by World Health Organization, Could Soon Be Declared a Superfund Site
Sun Dec 10 22:06:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Typical big-government bloat and redundancy. Why do we need waste *and* feculence? One or the other would be fine.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Dec 10 18:06:57 +0000 2017
Hag-Whale of the Bottomless Trench Dismisses Rumors of Secret Meeting with the Fairy Queen: "She Does Not Exist"
Sun Dec 10 09:27:17 +0000 2017
Trump Vows to Suffocate All the Earth Beneath Ten Miles of Waste & Feculence
Sun Dec 10 09:26:19 +0000 2017
What Happens Next Will Shock You
Sun Dec 10 09:19:17 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Greenhouse Energy Engineering Coalition promising greater demonstration at Noon Sunday. Giant mirror arrays already being adjusted across southwest.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Dec 09 20:55:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 personally, I think the in-series record is more impressive, despite the lower numbers (387, the entire senior class of Benjamin Franklin High School, Baton Rouge). So hard to overcome the low conductivity of flesh!
— @Chirurgic
Sat Dec 09 20:42:34 +0000 2017
Activists Slam SFME's "Wasteful Publicity Stunt," Claiming Power Needed to Electrocute 8,000 Americans Simultaneously Could Power Average Home for Weeks
Sat Dec 09 20:40:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Fun fact: last week's test run entirely exhausted the Southeast's supply of death row inmates. Careful around those outlets, everyone!
— @Chirurgic
Sat Dec 09 20:37:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: Agreed
— @srsos
Sat Dec 09 20:37:47 +0000 2017
Guinness Book of World Records Reports Current Record Set Last Year by Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York, Which Electrocuted 7,926 Decommissioned Workers in Parallel
Sat Dec 09 20:37:35 +0000 2017
TONIGHT: South Florida Municipal Energy Inc. To Attempt Breaking Record for Largest Number of People Simultaneously Electrocuted
Sat Dec 09 20:34:50 +0000 2017
Experts: It Will Not Be Mentioned Again https://t.co/m2KtKl9xS7
Sat Dec 09 20:11:26 +0000 2017
Study: Leading Causes of Death in America "Menthol Overdose," "Flensing Sickness," "The INCIDENT"
Sat Dec 09 18:21:10 +0000 2017
New App Seeks to Disrupt the Slavery Industry by Crowdsourcing Human Trafficking
Sat Dec 09 17:11:22 +0000 2017
YouTube Wants to Tax Robots and Their Husbands
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Dec 09 16:35:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Pundits: “Told you so”
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sat Dec 09 16:29:17 +0000 2017
Experts: "Oh No," "Not Again"
Sat Dec 09 09:53:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I mean... ...I like the tanginess! I feel like it's essential to flavor! And besides, do you want your kids eating CORN? Pff.
— @solotheloso
Sat Dec 09 03:16:09 +0000 2017
Why It's Time to Get That Which Burns The Seas Out of Children's Breakfast Cereals
Sat Dec 09 03:12:51 +0000 2017
Florida Man Convicted of Soul Fraud
Sat Dec 09 02:46:02 +0000 2017
Human Corpses "No Longer Biodegradable," Scientists Warn
Sat Dec 09 02:26:28 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Millions Die Pointlessly
Sat Dec 09 00:49:22 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: She Who Wears Ten Thousand Crowns Besieges the Port of Forsaken Dreams to Spite the King Who Was, the King Who Is, & the King Who Shall Forever Be
Fri Dec 08 22:57:54 +0000 2017
“The stars are in alignment. The littlest spark is all it will take to start fires in new places,” a CalFire official just told me. #ThomasFire
— @lizziejohnsonnn
Thu Dec 07 23:53:35 +0000 2017
7 Reasons God Has Abandoned You
Thu Dec 07 19:41:18 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Experts Wade Silently Away Into the Sea, Disappear Beneath the Waves, Never to be Seen Again
Thu Dec 07 09:47:08 +0000 2017
"It's Just Not Worth It," Say Experts
Thu Dec 07 09:44:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Number 5 is the number 5.
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Dec 07 08:00:35 +0000 2017
Scientists Disprove Family
Thu Dec 07 07:58:33 +0000 2017
7 Assumptions We Should Not Have Made
Thu Dec 07 07:57:51 +0000 2017
7 Mistakes We Made
Thu Dec 07 07:57:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I hope one of them was interpretive dance. She's remarkably limber for her age!
— @levinthauer
Thu Dec 07 07:57:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Keep them
— @vaporwavewitch
Thu Dec 07 01:39:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Eh, do what you want, uncle Richard is a dick
— @_dangerousbeans
Thu Dec 07 01:39:19 +0000 2017
7 Ways Your Aunt Patricia Begged Us For Mercy
Thu Dec 07 01:19:02 +0000 2017
@zacaj_ @ApprovedNews6 4 Calls You Dread
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Dec 07 01:18:33 +0000 2017
7 Things We Will Not Hesitate To Do To Your Beloved Father If You Do Not Cooperate, Claire
Thu Dec 07 00:35:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 6 Places To Deposit The Unmarked Bills
— @zacaj_
Thu Dec 07 00:34:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Number 6 will shock you.
— @algo_anthill
Thu Dec 07 00:33:30 +0000 2017
7 Things You Must Do If You Ever Want to See Your Dear Uncle Richard Again
Thu Dec 07 00:33:25 +0000 2017
7 Hostages We've Taken
Thu Dec 07 00:32:50 +0000 2017
@emilyatheris @ApprovedNews6 The Department of Fund is having a fun crisis.
— @algo_anthill
Wed Dec 06 05:59:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 too bad theyre not the department of fund
— @emilyatheris
Wed Dec 06 05:49:35 +0000 2017
Department of Fun Faces Funding Crisis
Wed Dec 06 04:40:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Socks and Bots are People, Too.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Wed Dec 06 02:46:47 +0000 2017
Facing Hostage Crisis in the Forbidden Lands, Senate Passes Bill Making it Illegal to Lie About How Many Twitter Followers You Have
Wed Dec 06 00:22:05 +0000 2017
Why We're Psyched for the Next Sunset Convocation
Tue Dec 05 18:56:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Number 5 Will Find You In Your Sleep
— @almafeta
Tue Dec 05 18:34:19 +0000 2017
7 Signs They're Coming For You
Tue Dec 05 18:31:39 +0000 2017
…FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS…REQUIRED…EXTREME INTERROGATION METHODS BUT…VERONA GROUP OBSERVERS…BEGINNING TO EXTRACT USABLE INTEL…
— @substation77
Mon Dec 04 18:28:33 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Issues Urgent Press Release https://t.co/NfbcrSyNrB
Mon Dec 04 18:22:16 +0000 2017
DIY: Hack Your Soul, With Vitamins!
Mon Dec 04 09:07:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Karl Rove appears on Fox News Sunday in his true aspect; there is no longer any reason to hide https://t.co/yN9LwCOFqh
— @mcclure111
Mon Dec 04 04:04:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Until Flesh Puppeting Powers Are Classified By The Office for the Classification of Psychic Phenomena, My Client Cannot Be Charged In Connection With The Tragic Deaths of All Employees of the Office for the Classification of Psychic Phenomena
— @ikirker
Sun Dec 03 09:34:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/WTqteHnzTG
— @foxacheUK
Sun Dec 03 00:20:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 *bumper sticker reads: Keep Polling, I'm Reloading*
— @TimProbable
Sun Dec 03 00:19:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Not enough.
— @viscous24601
Sat Dec 02 23:27:53 +0000 2017
Why We're Hyped for the Return of That Which Lurks Within
Sat Dec 02 23:07:18 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Children as Young as 14 "Replacing Their Brains" With "Forbidden Orbs"
Sat Dec 02 23:02:36 +0000 2017
OPINION:
How Many Have You Killed?
Sat Dec 02 22:53:52 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Lose Weight Fast With Flesh-Eating Weasels!
Sat Dec 02 22:45:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Sex launches all-out epistemological attack on concept of "Researchers", Details at 11.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Dec 02 08:33:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 CORRECTION: Erotican Repubic in Danger of Scatological Prolapse
— @chas_lovett
Sat Dec 02 08:33:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Erotican Repubic in Danger of Ontological Collapse
— @chas_lovett
Sat Dec 02 08:33:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Certainly none of them have ever gotten any, the nerds.
— @flare_director
Sat Dec 02 08:33:14 +0000 2017
Researchers Disprove Sex
Sat Dec 02 08:25:50 +0000 2017
Senators Refuse to Reveal Result of Vote; All Official Records Found Obscured by Bloodstains or Violently Scratched Out
Sat Dec 02 07:41:05 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Senate Has Voted on Tax Bill, Say Sources
Sat Dec 02 07:40:27 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Supreme Anarch of the Lawless Plains Deposed in Bloodless Coup by Passive Resistance Brigades
Sat Dec 02 03:24:55 +0000 2017
Reporters Stricken Blind After Attempting to Read Text of Mysterious Tax Bill With Opera Glasses From Senate Gallery
Sat Dec 02 03:21:34 +0000 2017
Tax Bill: Senator Paul Ryan, Clad in Silk Summoning Vestments, Enchanted Hat, Unrolls Lengthy Scroll Before Senate
Sat Dec 02 03:19:57 +0000 2017
High on Menthol, Florida Man Invents New Sin
Sat Dec 02 02:50:28 +0000 2017
@joe_no_privacy @ApprovedNews6 They’re usually considered infotox/infohazard, which is only a distinction in the legal sense.
— @hellerbee
Sat Dec 02 01:48:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 does there exist an ad that is not a cognitohazard? I'm skeptical
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Dec 01 23:17:42 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Issues Statement https://t.co/6ZMtdsx1Yj
Fri Dec 01 22:13:26 +0000 2017
"Avaunt, Wretched Incubus:" Senator Refuses to Respond to Allegations of Tricky Witchcraft
Fri Dec 01 22:07:18 +0000 2017
Spotify Defends Decision to Allow Auditory Cognitohazards to Run as Ads, Citing the Great Connecticut Aberration
Fri Dec 01 21:42:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Reporter abuse still remains on the books as a felony in three states... Not that it ever gets charged anymore.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Dec 01 20:58:22 +0000 2017
Pressed for Response, Trump Gnashes Teeth Mightily, Opens Up Own Skull to Show Reporters What Lies Within, Causing All Present to Black Out
Fri Dec 01 20:41:37 +0000 2017
"That Thing in Him is Not a Brain:" Reached for Comment, Tiny Man in Huge Hat Disputes Trump's Account
Fri Dec 01 20:39:34 +0000 2017
Trump: "I Have Been Brainhacked by a Tiny Man in a Huge Hat"
Fri Dec 01 20:05:36 +0000 2017
Experts: "You Have No Idea How Much This Is Going To Hurt"
Thu Nov 30 18:10:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "anything to get him out of here, really"
— @Chirurgic
Thu Nov 30 18:08:59 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Inscribes Seven Terrible Glyphs, Whispers the Defiler-Word of the Howling Canyon
Thu Nov 30 18:08:41 +0000 2017
Eminent Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice Voices Support for Florida Man's Endeavor
Thu Nov 30 18:05:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Florida is so goofy. To think he could Transcend without even tossing aside his mortal gender is ludicrous!
— @JennaStewart42
Thu Nov 30 18:02:32 +0000 2017
Somehow, this involves being naked in Wal-Mart at 3am with a raccoon... https://t.co/iL2Sbts5h1
— @orzelc
Thu Nov 30 18:02:27 +0000 2017
Florida Man Seeks to Ascend the Beneficent Manifold, Attain Transcendence
Thu Nov 30 17:34:59 +0000 2017
Experts: "Bask in Thine Withering Ascendency"
Thu Nov 30 07:11:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Savaged Colon frontman Bled Profusely may open some dates with his new group Evulsed Material.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Thu Nov 30 06:29:51 +0000 2017
@baconshire @ApprovedNews6 SMDH does no one pay attention in civics anymore
— @Chirurgic
Thu Nov 30 06:29:45 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
"Crown of Roaches," "Vomit Patrol" Announce Plans to Tour Together in 2018
Thu Nov 30 05:33:10 +0000 2017
1 Reason You Were Wrong
Wed Nov 29 21:51:33 +0000 2017
1 Reason You Were Wrong
Wed Nov 29 21:51:33 +0000 2017
4 Reasons You Thought We Were Finally Finished With You
Wed Nov 29 21:51:09 +0000 2017
7 Reasons We Won't Let You Die — Not Just Yet
Wed Nov 29 21:46:45 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
It Could Not Be Otherwise
Wed Nov 29 20:40:54 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Everything is Exactly As It Should Be
Wed Nov 29 20:40:04 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
I Didn't See You Complaining When the Master of the Occluded Crescent Publicly Impregnated the Virgin Queen of the Sundered Bank
Wed Nov 29 18:46:39 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Needs to Stop Flaunting Her Sexuality
Wed Nov 29 18:45:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 READER LETTER: She Who Throttles The Dawn has a point here. Matriarch of the ELD has demonstrated extreme carelessness with her entire sheaf of universes and risks changing the dimensional parameter to a fractional Hausdorff-Besicovitch dimension.
— @particle_p
Wed Nov 29 18:07:42 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Those Who Donate $7 Each Month Will Attain Access to Monthly Digests, Ability to Commune With Lesser Rodents https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Nov 29 17:54:06 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Those Who Donate $4 Each Month Will Attain Access to Full Articles, Immunity to Minor Hexes https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Nov 29 17:53:17 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Help Us Pay Our Starving & Doomed Reporters https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Wed Nov 29 17:45:16 +0000 2017
Candlelight Vigil for State of Vermont to be Held Friday
Wed Nov 29 17:42:35 +0000 2017
Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice Dismisses She Who Throttles the Dawn's Comments, Citing Marriage to Architect of the Beneficent Manifold as "Conflict of Interest"
Wed Nov 29 17:41:33 +0000 2017
She Who Throttles the Dawn Characterizes Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice's Rebuttal as "Profoundly Ignorant" of "Basic Cosmology, Ontology"
Wed Nov 29 17:40:43 +0000 2017
Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice Dismisses She Who Throttles the Dawn's Criticisms, Noting State of Vermont "Continues to Exist" in Some Abstract Sense
Wed Nov 29 17:39:30 +0000 2017
She Who Throttles The Dawn Issues "Blistering" Statement to Press, Condemning Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice's "Destruction" of Entire American State
Wed Nov 29 17:37:56 +0000 2017
Matriarch of the Effulgent Lattice Causally Severs Vermont After Loss to Architect of the Beneficent Manifold in Tuesday Night Debate
Wed Nov 29 17:35:01 +0000 2017
White House: "The Bronze Doorknob Affair Did Not Happen & Is Not To Be Spoken Of Again"
Wed Nov 29 17:33:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Ha! The Architect only embarrasses themselves by showing up to debate! The Ineffable Light will bathe the Founder in glory! Go Lats!
— @SlickVaguely
Tue Nov 28 21:51:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The debate rules forbid interrupting, the use of props, and the creation of transcendent singularities.
— @icambron
Tue Nov 28 21:51:17 +0000 2017
There's a pipe spewing tons of blood into a channel off British Columbia https://t.co/IuDVZvo1aO https://t.co/SF0OHfu8Ri
— @motherboard
Tue Nov 28 21:11:05 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Subscribe Now for Access to Full Articles, Protection from News Hounds — Only $4/Month! https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Nov 28 21:10:14 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| RUSH TRANSCRIPT: Charles J. Bloodhorn's statement to the press | AVAILABLE NOW TO "GRUESOME BADGER"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/XkK09CDGbX https://t.co/x9YcX52On1
Tue Nov 28 21:07:04 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: https://t.co/xe0gWAdcTy
Tue Nov 28 20:45:15 +0000 2017
EXCLUSIVE: Approved News 6 to Host Debate Between Architect of the Beneficent Manifold, Founder of the Effulgent Lattice
Tue Nov 28 20:44:11 +0000 2017
What the Great Contusion Means for the Sisterhood of the Dancing Blades
Tue Nov 28 20:31:56 +0000 2017
Scuzzpunk Band "Prince of the Lepers" Holds Benefit Concert to "Unclog the Sun" Through "Feasting," "Slicing"
Mon Nov 27 17:43:55 +0000 2017
I Just Started Praying: Terrified Passenger Captures Moment Flames Surge Out of Trump's Mouth
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Nov 27 12:34:53 +0000 2017
"This Is Not As The Prophecy Foretold," Whisper Reporters, Tears of Awe & Terror Dripping Slowly From Eyes: "It Cannot Be"
Sat Nov 25 19:40:09 +0000 2017
Bloodhorn International Charities Denies Rumors of Ballot-Stuffing, Unveils Ancient Oaken Tablet Whose Single Baleful Rune Petrifies All Who Gaze Upon It https://t.co/B91mQn7LdY
Sat Nov 25 19:38:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 If it can be jeopardised it's a poor excuse for a prophecy imho
— @formercrsc
Sat Nov 25 02:51:43 +0000 2017
INTERNATIONAL:
Seven-Mouthed Prince of the Festering Fief & His Bloodless Armada Becalmed Upon the Sea of Ever-Sorrow, Jeopardizing Prophecy of the Feathered Rat
Sat Nov 25 02:49:38 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: https://t.co/7fz2XmOhEn
Sat Nov 25 02:32:53 +0000 2017
@formercrsc @ApprovedNews6 Information Visualization Experts: Pie Charts 'Dangerous', Over 100 Times More Potent Than Bar Charts
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu Nov 23 20:25:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 SOAPBOX: Why Are Public Schools Exposing Our Young Children To Pie Graphs?
— @formercrsc
Thu Nov 23 20:25:21 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents: Disrespectful Teens Getting High on Infographics
Thu Nov 23 10:07:38 +0000 2017
On dealing with a police interrogation: https://t.co/wbP2p4mOJO
— @Esquiring
Wed Nov 22 00:50:47 +0000 2017
Experts: "Oh My God, Will You Stop Talking," "That's Enough," "I Said, That's Enough"
Tue Nov 21 20:49:03 +0000 2017
"Shut the Fuck Up," Say Experts: "Just… Just Shut the Fuck Up Already"
Tue Nov 21 20:47:42 +0000 2017
Newslords Issue Apology for Low Volume of News, Citing Death Threats, Drug Deal Gone Bad, & Prolonged Flight from Justice
Tue Nov 21 17:54:59 +0000 2017
"Nearly All" Modern Technology, Infrastructure Based on Refined Dystopium, Experts Warn: "Vast Majority" Sourced from Lawless Plains
Tue Nov 21 07:11:04 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Pacifist Militants Seize Dystopium Mines in Mineral-Rich Anarchate of the Lawless Plains, Threatening Worldwide Supply
Tue Nov 21 07:08:37 +0000 2017
OVERT DEMONIC ACTIVITY COMING, WARNS 'SPIRITUAL WARFARE' EXPERT...
— @DRUDGE_REPORT
Mon Nov 20 22:56:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 They haven't had the same sound since their Colonoscopade tour.
— @almafeta
Mon Nov 20 10:18:58 +0000 2017
Shamepunk Band "Fecal Impaction" Starts Off New Tour in the Massachusetts Terrorzone
Mon Nov 20 05:51:21 +0000 2017
Experts: https://t.co/osd32n8pKK
Sun Nov 19 20:12:54 +0000 2017
Denver's St. Edna International Replaces "Long-Outdated" Departure Screens With Immovable Stone Plinth, Engraved With Jagged, Hateful Glyphs
Sun Nov 19 11:46:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Running is good for your morale and cardio health, neither of which will matter much longer but it's fun to watch.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Nov 19 00:09:14 +0000 2017
Experts: Nothing Can Help Now https://t.co/DF0rROR9gg
Sat Nov 18 22:12:11 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Too Late to Run
Sat Nov 18 22:10:18 +0000 2017
You Need To Scream Now
Sat Nov 18 22:09:02 +0000 2017
@levinthauer @ApprovedNews6 The real Russians are the friends you make along the way.
— @tomscud
Sat Nov 18 03:54:00 +0000 2017
@tomscud @ApprovedNews6 Plot twist: we were the Russians all along.
— @levinthauer
Sat Nov 18 03:53:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: Russia Never Existed
— @tomscud
Sat Nov 18 02:06:51 +0000 2017
SCANDAL: Russia Continues to Exist
Sat Nov 18 02:01:19 +0000 2017
Unpimpressed by Trump's Tweets, Erotican Pervolutionaries Vow to Build Nude State Astride the Sex Islands, Bring "Peeps & Just Tits" to All
Thu Nov 16 23:40:15 +0000 2017
Phallarmed by Reperts Out of Erotican Repubic, Trump Threatens Use of "Nuclear Bums" to Quell Leftits Insertency
Thu Nov 16 23:26:37 +0000 2017
Members of Leftits Orgasmizations in the Erotican Repubic Call for "Cumrades of the Pervolution" to Unite Against "The Fapitalist Menses"
Thu Nov 16 23:04:41 +0000 2017
Twitter Defends Decision Not to Use Turn Signal
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Nov 16 22:14:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 REPORT: Colonel Pax, Commander of the Uzbek Pacifism Front, Vows Peace and Harmony, Orders Tank Battalion To Border
— @icambron
Thu Nov 16 15:32:31 +0000 2017
ANALYSIS: Why Arachnarchism Will Matter in 2018
Thu Nov 16 11:49:53 +0000 2017
WILDLIFE: Rare Triple-Snouted Cops Seen Patrolling D.C.
Thu Nov 16 06:04:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Supreme Anarch Orders Journalists Beheaded in Self-Defense
Wed Nov 15 23:35:02 +0000 2017
INTERNATIONAL:
Supreme Anarch of the Lawless Plains Dispatches Non-Coercion Squads to Liberate Uzbekistan From Pacifist Militants
Wed Nov 15 23:16:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: Scientists Discover the Least Horny Form of Sex, and You'll Never Guess What It Is!
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed Nov 15 19:16:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Re-butt-al from Amb-ass-ador of Erotica Re-Pubic: Sexi Is Not Horny Enough
— @surly_squirrel
Wed Nov 15 04:30:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Horns Are Too Sexy
— @whatafungame
Wed Nov 15 04:30:09 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Sex Is Too Horny
Wed Nov 15 04:23:19 +0000 2017
SOCIAL: Slave-King of the Dungeonwoods Holds Daughter's Debut at the Charles J. Bloodhorn Memorial Ballroom in the Ruins of New York
Tue Nov 14 23:37:24 +0000 2017
As Global Biomass Shortage Worsens, Appalachian Bloedvarks Migrate East
Tue Nov 14 04:36:03 +0000 2017
This Thrice-Cursed Obelisk of Solid Bone is Sure to Offend Liberals
Mon Nov 13 21:01:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Cut of The Infinite Realms is de rigueur if summoning That Which Rends By Silence.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Nov 13 11:00:35 +0000 2017
4 Beloved Game Consoles from Your Childhood That We're Going to Destroy With Acid
Mon Nov 13 04:24:02 +0000 2017
7 Beautiful Incisions You Will Find On Your Body When You Wake Suddenly At Midnight Tonight
Mon Nov 13 04:20:36 +0000 2017
Die Friedhöfe in Deutschland haben ein Problem mit nicht verwesten Leichen. https://t.co/oL9QUm4ziT
— @DLFNachrichten
Sun Nov 12 20:35:11 +0000 2017
ANALYSIS: Never Enough Blood
Sat Nov 11 23:18:10 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Not Enough Blood
Sat Nov 11 23:17:56 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Too Much Blood
Sat Nov 11 23:17:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The fact this can be offered at low cost just shows how badly third world human flesh suppliers are being paid.
— @TrivialGravitas
Sat Nov 11 22:44:14 +0000 2017
Trump in Hot Water After Placing Responsibility for 200█ Syracuse Incident on "Stone Hoarders"
Sat Nov 11 22:31:11 +0000 2017
Chicago Paindrome Faces Funding Crisis
Sat Nov 11 22:26:53 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Author Jedidiah Witherspoon Manifests as Enormous Thunderhead, Burns "Most Terrible Sigil" into Chests of All Reporters Present With A Single Contemptuous Thought
Sat Nov 11 22:23:46 +0000 2017
Penguin Publishing to Release Low-Cost "Heritage Editions" of "Kneel Before the Terrorthrone" & Other Popular Children's Books Printed in the Ichor of He-Who-Swallows-the-Night & Bound in Human Flesh
Sat Nov 11 22:18:10 +0000 2017
TONIGHT: What We're Summoning in the Citadel of the Lurking Queen, And What It Means for Your Lawn Care
Sat Nov 11 22:09:22 +0000 2017
Fixes, improvements & Known issues in Donald Trump Build 17035
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Nov 11 07:50:08 +0000 2017
Are Today's Teens Getting High on Grief? The Answer Will Shock You!
Sat Nov 11 05:30:43 +0000 2017
Mt. Everest Is Not Evil, Scientist Insists
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Nov 10 17:20:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Holes Must Broaden To Accomodate The Greater And Lesser Orbs.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Fri Nov 10 06:54:05 +0000 2017
Pence, Bannon, Robertson Stump in Alabama to Boost Your Sperm Count
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Nov 10 06:11:15 +0000 2017
The President has arrived in Da Nang to be eaten by hundreds of thousands of angry ghosts
— @substitute
Fri Nov 10 05:51:41 +0000 2017
Sources: At Time of Suspension, Our Father Who Art in Heaven Had Accrued $7 in Monthly Pledges
Fri Nov 10 05:11:47 +0000 2017
God's Patreon Profile Suspended Due to "Inappropriate Content"
Fri Nov 10 04:52:57 +0000 2017
The Holes Are Getting Bigger
Thu Nov 09 21:28:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I thought for sure "Wailing-Bones Fever home remedy" would have been there
— @FXSPeteMurray
Thu Nov 09 20:56:37 +0000 2017
Google: Top Queries for October "Manliest Punctuation," "Holes in the Sky," "Signs of the Fifth Great Curse," "Beginner Incantations"
Thu Nov 09 20:25:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/KIO5uyoVWn
— @chas_lovett
Wed Nov 08 06:48:51 +0000 2017
Florida Man Logs Off
Wed Nov 08 06:46:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Thanks for looking out for us! This explains the 8 hours of Nosferatu hallucinations.
— @substitute
Tue Nov 07 20:49:06 +0000 2017
DEA Warns Nearly Two Thirds of All Illicit "Nebraska Terror Serum" Seized in United States Actually "Carpathian Horror Serum"
Tue Nov 07 20:45:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 PHLEGM.....BLOOD.....PHLOOD. The Newslords portend a great phlood! I've seen the signs; the end is nigh!
— @flare_director
Tue Nov 07 18:15:39 +0000 2017
We Apologize for the Error
Tue Nov 07 18:09:19 +0000 2017
Newslords: "Typo" Led to Publication Last Night of Incoherent Tweet Consisting Only of Word "BLOOD"; Tweet Should Obviously Read "PHLEGM"
Tue Nov 07 18:08:19 +0000 2017
Intern Discovered Misusing Official Twitter Channel, Sentenced to Death by Slow Slicing
Tue Nov 07 14:49:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't want to brag, but my toddler doesn't need video instruction. She's already killing of her own volition, and at a 4th grade level.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Nov 07 14:41:27 +0000 2017
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BL
Tue Nov 07 07:21:28 +0000 2017
You'll Never Believe What's in the Gently Ticking Box on Your Front Porch
Tue Nov 07 06:31:05 +0000 2017
Here's How Krasmotharsk the Nether-Wyrm Plans to Disrupt the Cruise Industry
Tue Nov 07 05:57:12 +0000 2017
7 Depths of Physical Suffering You Never Imagined the Human Body Could Reach
Tue Nov 07 05:53:28 +0000 2017
7 Means Justified by the Ends
Tue Nov 07 05:50:25 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You're Only Making It Harder On Yourself
Tue Nov 07 05:50:11 +0000 2017
7 Ways You Will Serve Our Media Empire
Tue Nov 07 05:48:43 +0000 2017
7 Ways You Will Submit
Tue Nov 07 05:48:14 +0000 2017
7 Secrets You Will Inevitably Surrender
Tue Nov 07 05:48:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Number Six: We'll Shock You!
— @joe_no_privacy
Tue Nov 07 05:47:38 +0000 2017
7 Peals of Laughter You Will Hear In Response to Your Agonized Cries
Tue Nov 07 05:43:41 +0000 2017
7 Ways You Will Beg For Mercy
Tue Nov 07 05:42:46 +0000 2017
7 Ways We Will Break You
Tue Nov 07 05:41:36 +0000 2017
Analysts: "We Never Thought It Would End Like This"
Tue Nov 07 05:28:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Truthers: “They planned it all along.”
— @DarrylDaugherty
Tue Nov 07 05:27:58 +0000 2017
"We Still Love You," Whisper Sources Quietly, Tears Dripping Down Their Cheeks
Tue Nov 07 05:27:54 +0000 2017
"Oh God, We're So Sorry," Sources Continue: "Please, Don't Go, We Made A Mistake, Please Let Us Make It Right"
Tue Nov 07 05:26:46 +0000 2017
"We Really Didn't Mean It," Say Sources: "It Was Never Supposed to Go Down This Way"
Tue Nov 07 05:25:52 +0000 2017
Sources: "We're So Sorry"
Tue Nov 07 05:25:13 +0000 2017
Scientists Develop Antidote to Big Data
Tue Nov 07 02:15:13 +0000 2017
Department of Justice Files Lawsuit to Reverse the Arrow of Time
Mon Nov 06 22:31:13 +0000 2017
Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Takes Athens
Mon Nov 06 22:22:51 +0000 2017
Train Your Toddler to Kill on Command With This Adorable New Video Series
Mon Nov 06 20:17:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: You Could Already Be Dead Right Now, Trapped in an Endless Purgatory From Which There Can Be No Escape
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Nov 06 01:56:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That's complete bu
— @solotheloso
Mon Nov 06 01:10:42 +0000 2017
You Could Simply Drop Dead With No Warning at Any Moment, Experts Warn
Mon Nov 06 01:07:56 +0000 2017
Ghosts Call for Protest in Ruins of New York After Approval of "Draconian" Haunting Laws
Mon Nov 06 01:01:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 A twitter moment https://t.co/jT7X8fFo6v
— @mcclure111
Sun Nov 05 22:34:56 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Unknown Incident 364 is Good for Bitcoin
Sun Nov 05 21:27:47 +0000 2017
MONTHLY DIGEST: OCTOBER 2017 | NOW AVAILABLE TO "UNCONQUERED SURICATE"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/CRI77zZMHn https://t.co/xj1GxZdMnF
— @ApprovedNews6
Sun Nov 05 06:07:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Not true. I had brunch with her last Thursday. So tired of your antifae bias.
— @digitaldraco
Sat Nov 04 23:36:41 +0000 2017
Fairy Queen Could Not Be Reached for Comment, As She Does Not Exist
Sat Nov 04 23:29:25 +0000 2017
"That's Very Cute," "Somebody Give Him a Cookie," Says Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods
Sat Nov 04 23:27:50 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Unable to Repress Hysterical Giggles
Sat Nov 04 23:27:26 +0000 2017
Thaumaturgical Community "In Stitches" Over "Men's Rights Activist"'s Attempt to Become First "Bone Sorcerer Supreme"
Sat Nov 04 23:26:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Screw the Infested. Smart people, bone cultists and other go-getters in the know are pandering to the Infestation!
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Nov 04 07:38:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The brushwork around the eyes is a dead giveaway, as is the gaping soul-void
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Nov 04 07:37:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Hmmm. Now that you mention it, the last few birthday cards I sent *were* rife with doctrinal errors...
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Nov 04 07:37:32 +0000 2017
MONTHLY DIGEST: OCTOBER 2017 | NOW AVAILABLE TO "UNCONQUERED SURICATE"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/CRI77zZMHn https://t.co/xj1GxZdMnF
Sat Nov 04 07:35:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: The Infested's money is as good as anyone else's, say numerous Bone Priests.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Nov 04 00:32:32 +0000 2017
Why is it pandering when it's directed at marginalized people but not when it's directed at white people, men, or bone sorceresses supreme. https://t.co/ysLtxvYFx8
— @listelian
Sat Nov 04 00:32:26 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Stop Pandering to the Infested
Fri Nov 03 23:29:04 +0000 2017
Recovered From Bout of Madness, Newslord 7 Vows October Digest to be Published "Imminently"
Fri Nov 03 22:02:16 +0000 2017
Hallmark CEO Michael Hellwrath Denies Allegations of Bone Heresy
Fri Nov 03 21:49:45 +0000 2017
Paul Manafort, Approached by Press, Immediately Becomes Obscured Behind JPEG Compression Artifacts
Fri Nov 03 19:17:17 +0000 2017
White House Still Pretty Gross
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Nov 03 07:12:41 +0000 2017
Nine Ways to Belabor a Point
Fri Nov 03 02:23:02 +0000 2017
Eight Ways to Dismember an Interloper
Fri Nov 03 02:22:46 +0000 2017
Seven Ways to
REDACTED
a Shrieking Shadow Thing
Fri Nov 03 02:22:26 +0000 2017
Six Ways to Boil a Frog
Fri Nov 03 02:22:08 +0000 2017
Four Ways to Cook a Goose
Fri Nov 03 02:21:56 +0000 2017
Three Ways to Skin a Cat
Fri Nov 03 02:20:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: We've Lost It All Already
— @zacaj_
Fri Nov 03 02:16:24 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's All Got to Go
Fri Nov 03 02:15:29 +0000 2017
7 Signs Your Mom Might Be A Forgery
Fri Nov 03 01:18:55 +0000 2017
Jimmy Carter "Was Never Even Born:" Trump Hits Back
Fri Nov 03 00:49:47 +0000 2017
Former President Jimmy Carter on Trump: "I'm Very Glad He's Dead"
Fri Nov 03 00:49:22 +0000 2017
BREAKING: Scientists discover new hidden chamber in Egypt's Great Pyramid, say its purpose is unknown.
— @AP
Thu Nov 02 22:43:39 +0000 2017
"A Cuntry in Crisis:" Anal-ysts "Disturbated" by Resluts of Erotican Repubic's Special Erection, Call for "Deeper Investitgation"
Thu Nov 02 20:55:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 In my day it was two weeks. Wise Council going soft!
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Nov 02 06:19:48 +0000 2017
Wise Council of Newslords Order Witless Intern Found Guilty of Misusing Official Twitter Feed Placed in Cramped Gibbet for Week Without Food
Thu Nov 02 04:31:45 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic to Hold Sexual Erection for Cuntdidates to Riplace Abdickating President-Erect
Thu Nov 02 01:30:34 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Snakes Crawling Out of Your Vagina? Try Our New Ritual Dagger, Bathed in Newborn Blood Beneath a Gibbous Moon!
Wed Nov 01 21:25:48 +0000 2017
"I've Frot About Tits For A Long Tie-m, And I've Maid Up My Mind:" President-Erect of the Erotican Repubic Cumfirms Skintent to Abdickate
Wed Nov 01 21:13:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 FOR SALE/OBO: https://t.co/u86ce63Ds1
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Nov 01 20:16:13 +0000 2017
At last our long national nightmare is over https://t.co/aiBqAZ2eSl
— @nosulragal
Wed Nov 01 04:58:09 +0000 2017
SOCIAL: After Thousand-Year Feud, Bone Sorceress Supreme Jaxana Bloodfugue of Missoula Makes Peace With Xylinda Overblight
Wed Nov 01 04:57:43 +0000 2017
Trump Pulls Americunt Amb-ass-ador Out of Erotican Repubic After "Full-Blown Dickplomatic Calamtitty"
Tue Oct 31 22:14:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 May soon? May? Take the pill and find out! You’re a journalist, aren’t you? Aren’t you? What are you?
— @HarleaghPrime
Tue Oct 31 03:51:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Hey, these people should consider themselves lucky that they even GET to take these. I have a friend whose body can't stop making them!
— @riking27
Tue Oct 31 01:43:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 thank the orb it was just snakes this time
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Oct 31 01:42:45 +0000 2017
@shurimon @ApprovedNews6 "We are mere emissaries" explain the octopi in unison
— @icambron
Tue Oct 31 01:22:49 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Chicago Orb Disgorges Thousands of Snakes
Tue Oct 31 01:02:25 +0000 2017
White House: The Chicago Orb Must Issue a Formal Apology for "The November Incident" or "Steps Will be Taken"
Tue Oct 31 01:02:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: https://t.co/L4buZMywzD
— @shurimon
Tue Oct 31 00:53:12 +0000 2017
Mild Over-the-Counter Precognitives May Soon Require a Prescription
Mon Oct 30 21:43:24 +0000 2017
Experts Note Prolonged Precognitive Abuse Can Lead to "Delusions of Godhood," "Temporal Derangement Syndrome"
Mon Oct 30 21:42:47 +0000 2017
DEA Advises Doctors to Curtail Prescription of Precognitives
Mon Oct 30 21:41:18 +0000 2017
Congress Afflicted by Vomiting Curse in Disastrous Attempt to Pass Budget Bill
Mon Oct 30 19:17:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Exposed Organ Was Prayerful Homage To The Manifold Appendages Of The Nameless One. ACLU Expected To Raise Religious Freedoms Issues.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Oct 30 07:23:10 +0000 2017
Senator Arrested After Naked Assault on D.C.'s Circle of Standing Stones Claims Innocence, Blames "The Influence"
Mon Oct 30 07:15:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 which they didn't even use in the final model! You'd think someone would have checked if clones had souls before spending all that money!
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 30 06:24:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 What we should be terrified about is the enormous expense of this boondoggle, both on research, and on the cloning tanks
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 30 06:24:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The cannon has had energy and blood supply problems for years. It can hellfire for maybe a second at most, on a good day
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 30 06:24:37 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
I've Been Terrified for Years; Why The Hell Would I Stop Now
Mon Oct 30 06:24:26 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Should be Terrified that Donald Trump is In Control of DARPA's Relativistic Blood Cannon
Mon Oct 30 06:17:09 +0000 2017
Seven Things that Have Just Gone Terribly Wrong
Mon Oct 30 03:12:25 +0000 2017
Trump Draws Nutritionists' Ire by Describing the Homeless as "Empty Calories"
Mon Oct 30 00:41:20 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Analysts Shrug
Sun Oct 29 23:20:26 +0000 2017
"I Don't Know What to Tell You, Man," Say Sources
Sun Oct 29 23:20:04 +0000 2017
Experts: Shit Happens
Sun Oct 29 23:10:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/IPDo8KxrjO
— @mcclure111
Sun Oct 29 22:56:45 +0000 2017
New Study: America's Favorite Pastimes "Mail Fraud," "Childhood Cancer," & "Wistful Thinking"
Sat Oct 28 07:07:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: the Orb of the Unchaste shall not be denied its sustenance, ye heretics
— @sardonic_greek
Fri Oct 27 19:38:51 +0000 2017
@King_Of_Flesh @surly_squirrel @ApprovedNews6 Slagged.
— @chas_lovett
Fri Oct 27 19:38:42 +0000 2017
@King_Of_Flesh @surly_squirrel @ApprovedNews6 Slagged.
— @chas_lovett
Fri Oct 27 19:38:42 +0000 2017
@surly_squirrel @ApprovedNews6 Liquified.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Fri Oct 27 19:38:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: The Word You Are Looking For Is "Melted"
— @surly_squirrel
Fri Oct 27 18:01:08 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Kentucky Must Be Liquidated
Fri Oct 27 18:00:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 SCIENTISTS: https://t.co/xIXICLiURx
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Oct 27 17:31:26 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE | OPINION: It's Time to Deregulate Arson | NOW AVAILABLE TO "GRUESOME BADGER"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/8uuwz1UbN9 https://t.co/blc3O1GMKb
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Oct 27 03:24:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Time to cumslut our asslies in the Erotica Repubic.
— @chas_lovett
Fri Oct 27 03:23:54 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Orb of the Unchaste is Impervious to Our Greatest Weapons
Fri Oct 27 02:42:37 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Orb of the Unchaste Must Be Obliterated
Fri Oct 27 02:42:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 T.Queen: "From a utilitarian POV, if the parasite enjoys feeding more than the host dislikes it, the relationship is ethically permissible"
— @LilSpliceosome
Thu Oct 26 01:04:56 +0000 2017
Postmaster Eternal of the United States Manifests in Corporeal Form, Makes Bid for the Cardboard Throne
Wed Oct 25 22:22:24 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Those Who Donate $7 or More Each Month Will Be Eligible to Receive The Approved News 6 "Monthly Digest" https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Oct 25 22:00:02 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Make Your $4 Pledge Today to Guarantee Access to Future Articles https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Oct 25 21:28:08 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
|
OPINION:
It's Time to Deregulate Arson | NOW AVAILABLE TO "GRUESOME BADGER"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/8uuwz1UbN9 https://t.co/blc3O1GMKb
Wed Oct 25 21:25:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: https://t.co/vqWYrfjfii
— @shurimon
Wed Oct 25 19:55:34 +0000 2017
WEIRD AND WACKY: Sharon McCloskey of Whitefish, MO, 49, Wins "World's Manliest" Award
Wed Oct 25 19:01:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Yj4CLlLCd6
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Oct 25 12:03:43 +0000 2017
RELATED: New Study Shows Lobbyists Can Live Up to Seven Years in Hibernation Outside of a Host
Wed Oct 25 02:00:41 +0000 2017
Ethical Parasitism Seminar Canceled After Being Revealed as "Elaborate Front" for Enormous Thoughtroach Queen
Wed Oct 25 02:00:00 +0000 2017
Experts: "Opioid Crisis" Is A Slur
Mon Oct 23 23:39:46 +0000 2017
Analysts: Total Death Toll from Test of Emergency Broadcast System "Relatively Minor," Did Not Exceed Low Millions
Mon Oct 23 22:37:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Vox: In Argentina, the historically fraught relationship between Buenos Aires and the countryside has just changed. You'll never guess how
— @formercrsc
Mon Oct 23 22:36:36 +0000 2017
Engineers Report Emergencies "Successfully Broadcasted" Worldwide, Apologize for Inconvenience
Mon Oct 23 22:25:08 +0000 2017
White House Issues Statement: "This Has Been a Test of the Emergency Broadcast System"
Mon Oct 23 22:24:30 +0000 2017
Argentina Geographically Inverts
Mon Oct 23 22:23:36 +0000 2017
Numberless Figures in Waterlogged Robes Wade From Nation's Mirrors, Chanting Hauntingly
Mon Oct 23 22:23:18 +0000 2017
Shrieking Shadow Things Unionize
Mon Oct 23 22:21:48 +0000 2017
All Aged Bronze Mechanisms Save That in Possession of Newslord 1 Begin to Spin, Rattle, & Whir at Terrifying Volume
Mon Oct 23 22:21:11 +0000 2017
Mailboxes Across Georgia Burst Open, Blank, Tattered Papers Spilling Endlessly From Within
Mon Oct 23 22:17:47 +0000 2017
Thousands of Trees Worldwide Begin to Retract Slowly Into Ground
Mon Oct 23 22:16:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EDITORIAL: Something Must Be Done
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 23 22:14:54 +0000 2017
Clouds Part Over Washington D.C., to Reveal
REDACTED
Mon Oct 23 22:14:21 +0000 2017
Unending Rain Decreed by Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Briefly Ceases, to Consternation of All
Mon Oct 23 22:13:21 +0000 2017
Parents Gather at Local Circles of Standing Stones in Search of Missing Children
Mon Oct 23 22:11:01 +0000 2017
"Who Are You And What Have You Done With The Mayor?" Pressed for Comment, Experts Stumble Away from Reporters, Staring in Confusion, Terror
Mon Oct 23 22:10:18 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Something Is Happening
Mon Oct 23 22:10:02 +0000 2017
"Epidemic" Dehydration in Online Communities: "I've Never Seen Anyone So Thirsty," Say Experts
Mon Oct 23 20:58:53 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE | Google Announces New Drone Fleet | NOW AVAILABLE TO "GRUESOME BADGER"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/Mbh8LDUwp6 https://t.co/LvzEx54k3N
— @ApprovedNews6
Mon Oct 23 18:05:59 +0000 2017
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 @ikirker OPINION: The Arson Industry Is An Outmoded Relic Of Our Pre-Nuclear Past
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 23 07:34:21 +0000 2017
@ikirker @ApprovedNews6 SCAB!! at least you know better now. support your local arsonist's union by paying your dues with an appropriate burnt offering
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Oct 23 07:13:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 REBUTTAL: Deregulation Would Have Every Johnny Firebug Calling Himself An Arsonist & Leave 1000s Of Traditional Practitioners Jobless
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Oct 23 06:25:21 +0000 2017
Senate Custodial Staff Wage Futile War Against Virginia Terrormold Infestation
Mon Oct 23 06:25:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I have to agree with this one, Molotov imports from Finland are killing the sales of my mini napalm sprayer drones. Remember, burn local!
— @PithyOrNot
Mon Oct 23 06:16:17 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| Google Announces New Drone Fleet | NOW AVAILABLE TO "GRUESOME BADGER"-TIER SUBSCRIBERS https://t.co/Mbh8LDUwp6 https://t.co/LvzEx54k3N
Mon Oct 23 05:54:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/MP1xIbhMLS
— @JuEeHa
Sun Oct 22 21:23:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 GOOGLE SPOX: We really value community participation in our bombing campaigns. We hope you'll contribute to this important effort.
— @icambron
Sun Oct 22 18:13:20 +0000 2017
New Study Links Long-Term Psychotherapy Use to Endometriosis, Diabetes, & Psychosis
Sun Oct 22 10:25:25 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Call on DEA to Schedule Sugar as Controlled Substance
Sun Oct 22 05:44:50 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Deregulate the Arson Industry
Sun Oct 22 03:17:15 +0000 2017
#RememberAkron https://t.co/fSYlpPHM3s
— @almafeta
Sun Oct 22 02:36:38 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Intern Broken Upon the Wheel for Errors in Use of "TweetDeck"
Sun Oct 22 02:36:15 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Google Destroys Akron, OH With New Open-Source Assault Drone Fleet
Sun Oct 22 02:29:35 +0000 2017
@shardsambit @ApprovedNews6 Fucking Democrats, right? Always so quick to support literally any plan backed by the military-industrial-abjuration complex.
— @listelian
Sat Oct 21 23:07:20 +0000 2017
Google Unveils Its First Open-Source Fleet of Assault Drones
Sat Oct 21 22:36:15 +0000 2017
Democrats Call for Tightening of Astral Security, "Strategic Placement" of Bone Charms Across Country to Ward Away Foreign Souls
Sat Oct 21 21:57:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Top Secret CIA Program Seeks To Free Russian Agents From the Cycle of Rebirth
— @tomscud
Sat Oct 21 21:55:16 +0000 2017
"The Ultimate Sleepers:" Analysts Warn Russian Agents May Be Reincarnating Onto American Soil
Sat Oct 21 21:50:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/YCp5Oete8X
— @shurimon
Sat Oct 21 15:39:54 +0000 2017
"Seven Angels Courting Kings:" Speaker of the House Stabs Out Own Eyes With Pen
Fri Oct 20 18:15:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTER: Malignant ICO threat highly exaggerated, says spokesman from hospital bed.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Oct 20 08:21:42 +0000 2017
New Study Links Bitcoin to Cancer
Fri Oct 20 05:36:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 What an insult to the majestic Welsh Voregi
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu Oct 19 18:39:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ADVICE: Stop, Drop, and Roll! It saved my life (with minimal residual scarring) [actual True Reporter tale, sadly 💥🔥🔥😳😧➰➰☁️🤕]
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Oct 19 18:39:16 +0000 2017
Cucker Spaniel Named National Dog of Erotican Repubic, Narrowly Beating Off Asset Hound
Thu Oct 19 18:19:28 +0000 2017
New Study Indicates "We're Fucking Done For," Advises Americans to "Run Like Hell Before It's Too Late"
Thu Oct 19 18:12:44 +0000 2017
"Oh God, Help! HELP!" Pressed for Comment, Analysts Frantically Attempt to Beat Out Flames Consuming Their Clothes, Hair
Thu Oct 19 18:11:45 +0000 2017
Inside Sources: "Fuck! Shit! Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK!"
Thu Oct 19 18:09:44 +0000 2017
"Aaaaaaaugh," Say Experts, Flailing in Terror, Fire Extinguishers Empty
Thu Oct 19 18:09:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Everything on Fire
Thu Oct 19 18:07:11 +0000 2017
How the Stolen Prince is "Revamping" the Empire of Fleeting Shadow
Wed Oct 18 20:10:22 +0000 2017
Five Ways You Failed
Wed Oct 18 14:04:36 +0000 2017
Five Ways You Tried to Hide It
Wed Oct 18 14:04:27 +0000 2017
Five Ways They Can Tell
Wed Oct 18 14:04:10 +0000 2017
"I Didn't Mean It in a Racist Way:" Trump Attempts to Walk Back Comments About Shrieking Shadow Things
Wed Oct 18 11:14:05 +0000 2017
Amazon Patent Shows How Bees Might Some Day Charge Your Car
— @hail_ants_bot
Wed Oct 18 05:01:48 +0000 2017
Archmagister Abigail Hellsand Named Knight of the Wailing Order by the King Who Was, the King Who Is, & the King Who Shall Forever Be
Tue Oct 17 20:29:41 +0000 2017
"There Is Something Growing Inside Me:" Nancy Pelosi Restrained, Removed by Technicians After Attempting to Detach Own Head Live on CNN
Tue Oct 17 20:25:43 +0000 2017
6,000 People Have Been Recalled
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Oct 17 17:14:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I was gonna guess "theurgic DDoS attack" but I suppose that would be a little too obvious
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Oct 17 16:16:17 +0000 2017
Top 10 demons hiding in your bathroom
— @BuzzFiendNews
Tue Oct 17 04:29:47 +0000 2017
Coronal Ass Ejection Knocks Out Power Across Erotican Repubic
Mon Oct 16 20:45:32 +0000 2017
Why This Hateful Gelatinous Mass Wants You to Recite the Plague-Name of the All-Defiler — It's Not the Reason You Think It Is!
Mon Oct 16 10:22:41 +0000 2017
God-Thing in the Whispering Lake Surfaces to Announce Partnership With Macy's
Mon Oct 16 03:29:09 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Recreational Biblioclasm is Good for Bitcoin
Sun Oct 15 06:36:23 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: https://t.co/O37HRoyQPg
Sun Oct 15 06:02:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Asked for comment, one ardent supporter said, "What did we tell ya, he's just like us. A regular Joe."
— @skrattybones
Sat Oct 14 22:33:08 +0000 2017
Small, Wet, Reptile Mass of Thrashing Limbs and Claws Crawls Up Through Trump's Throat, Begins Gurgling Powerful Spells at Press
Sat Oct 14 21:49:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm sorry but this is a huge conflict of interest. The God-Thing stands to benefit enormously from capital-gains rule changes! #recusal
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Oct 14 21:40:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 These cheap, maudlin efforts to cheer everybody up are getting really tedious.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Oct 14 21:39:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 #2: you forgot your sunglasses in your other blazer #4: gamma radiation #7: the emergence of the anti-bats
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Oct 14 21:39:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: How millenials killed the power of love.
— @popolopof
Fri Oct 13 18:39:06 +0000 2017
@NorWesternCrow @Pawtiko @ApprovedNews6 If friendship is criminalized, only criminals will have friends.
— @TimCushing
Fri Oct 13 18:38:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Polls indicate that while most citizens balk at sweeping friend control laws, they would support a measure that outlaws silent friends.
— @daigledopple
Fri Oct 13 17:17:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 No man should have that much friendship
— @TimCushing
Fri Oct 13 17:17:28 +0000 2017
Experts Call for Tightened Regulation of Friendship: "This Sort of Firepower Should Not Be In Civilian Hands"
Fri Oct 13 16:52:08 +0000 2017
TRAGEDY: Austin Man Kills 70 at Public Park Using the Power of Friendship
Fri Oct 13 16:50:04 +0000 2017
Inside Source: Trump's Cabinet "Prowls Nightly" in "Forsaken Graveyards" in Search of "Powerful Amulets"
Thu Oct 12 21:16:10 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Thousands Dead
Thu Oct 12 10:09:15 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Man Has Opinion
Wed Oct 11 08:04:29 +0000 2017
Here's Why the World Health Organization & Bioweapons Scientists Are So Interested in Paul Ryan
Tue Oct 10 23:26:23 +0000 2017
Pressed on Fall of California to Federal Troops, Hellthrash Puts Claw to Lips, Carves Word "TREACHERY" in Bark of Nearby Tree
Tue Oct 10 23:25:03 +0000 2017
Hellthrash Offers "Blistering Criticism" of Moroccan Horrorbird Appointed Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death by President Trump
Tue Oct 10 23:24:02 +0000 2017
Former Occupational Governor Kingsley Hellthrash Makes First Public Appearance Since Fall of California
Tue Oct 10 23:21:26 +0000 2017
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: We Interview The King Who Was, the King Who Is, & the King Who Will Forever Be — Only on Approved News 6!
Tue Oct 10 23:20:12 +0000 2017
Seven Reasons You Should Fear the Dawn
Tue Oct 10 23:18:26 +0000 2017
How We're Going to Exhume the Corpse-Mother of the Living Cataclysm
Tue Oct 10 23:15:47 +0000 2017
More & More American Students Being Diagnosed as Calcaholics
Tue Oct 10 22:53:51 +0000 2017
we have killed old people we have killed children we have eaten people we have eaten hearts we have eaten human brains
— @NYTMinusContext
Tue Oct 10 02:32:47 +0000 2017
Packs of radioactive wild boar are making farmers in Sweden nervous https://t.co/FTAeeGz0ZN https://t.co/GlqBxy8YxR
— @nationalpost
Tue Oct 10 01:20:18 +0000 2017
New Prophecy Warns Great Golden Beast "Upon the Precipice of Wakening;" "All That Is Shall Fall Silent In Its Wake"
Tue Oct 10 00:48:06 +0000 2017
She Who Must Be Eluded Could Not Be Reached for Comment
Mon Oct 09 23:36:02 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Hundred Dead After Middle School Student Confuses She Who Must Be Avoided With She Who Must Be Evaded
Mon Oct 09 23:35:47 +0000 2017
Justice Razortooth Shriekling Joins Dissent by Ripping Off Chief Justice Robert's Leg, Momentarily Deafening All in Range
Mon Oct 09 23:33:55 +0000 2017
In Blistering Dissent, Justice Kagan Writes Pedestrians "Should Not Be Worth" More Points Than Cyclists, Bears
Mon Oct 09 23:30:48 +0000 2017
Supreme Court Rules Pedestrians Worth Ten Points Each
Mon Oct 09 23:24:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 More like The King Who has left many bills in their wake. This is going to cost taxpayers and thralls millions.
— @ladyjax
Mon Oct 09 20:33:54 +0000 2017
The King Who Was, the King Who Is, & the King Who Shall Forever Be Acknowledge's Fairy Queen's "Fair Point," Extends Invitation
Mon Oct 09 18:44:26 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Slams Exclusion: "How Can They Justify Keeping Me Out, When I Don't Even Exist"
Mon Oct 09 18:43:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 A friendly reminder: no flash photography or any recording devices, for they may trap the multidimensional musicians and they WILL riot.
— @BackwardsBinary
Mon Oct 09 18:41:58 +0000 2017
The King Who Was, the King Who Is, & The King Who Shall Forever Be Explains Fairy Queen Excluded From Summit Because "She Does Not Exist"
Mon Oct 09 18:41:33 +0000 2017
Gray Sons of Autumn, Blood-Thralls of the King Who Was, The King Who Is, & The King Who Shall Forever Be to Hold Summit on "The Sunken Star"
Mon Oct 09 18:37:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Eighteen terrible things that happen to those who complain that news media is too obsessed with making lists
— @cg_marcato
Mon Oct 09 18:34:57 +0000 2017
Four Ways to Make It as Painless as Possible
Mon Oct 09 04:50:42 +0000 2017
Seven Seconds You Will Live After That Door Opens
Mon Oct 09 04:49:25 +0000 2017
Three Things You Will Try to Tell Yourself to Bring Yourself Some Comfort in Your Final Moments
Mon Oct 09 04:45:46 +0000 2017
Seven Billion Reasons Death is Underrated
Mon Oct 09 04:44:13 +0000 2017
Zero Reasons Why Any of It Will Really Matter, in the End
Mon Oct 09 04:42:28 +0000 2017
One Thousand Regrets
Mon Oct 09 04:39:11 +0000 2017
Fifty Ways You Tried to Justify It All
Mon Oct 09 04:38:43 +0000 2017
Twenty People You Took Everything From
Mon Oct 09 04:38:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 (number 4 won't surprise you!)
— @zacaj_
Mon Oct 09 04:37:44 +0000 2017
Seventy Reasons This Is, Ultimately, Your Fault
Mon Oct 09 04:37:36 +0000 2017
Zero Times You Did the Right Thing
Mon Oct 09 04:37:11 +0000 2017
Four Chances You Had to Make It All Right
Mon Oct 09 04:36:57 +0000 2017
Four Times We Warned You
Mon Oct 09 04:36:45 +0000 2017
Seventeen Reasons You Can Do Nothing to Stop It
Mon Oct 09 04:33:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 (you'll never guess number 4!)
— @zacaj_
Mon Oct 09 04:33:26 +0000 2017
Ten People Who Will be Heartbroken by Your Unexpected Death
Mon Oct 09 04:32:50 +0000 2017
One Hundred Things You Still Had to Live For
Mon Oct 09 04:32:05 +0000 2017
Six Bullets That Are About to Shatter Your Skull
Mon Oct 09 04:31:09 +0000 2017
Five Unbreakable Curses That Could Soon Descend Upon You
Mon Oct 09 04:30:24 +0000 2017
Fourteen Animals You Didn't Know Fed on Humans, And Could Be In Your Home At This Very Moment
Mon Oct 09 04:28:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Number Four: Shock At The Realization That Listicles Can Cause Spontaneous Human Death Syndrome
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Oct 09 04:28:24 +0000 2017
These Seven Parasites Can Evade Detection by Even the Most Advanced Medical Science
Mon Oct 09 04:27:34 +0000 2017
Four Reasons You Too Could Suddenly Drop Dead Without Any Warning
Mon Oct 09 04:25:13 +0000 2017
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 The yellow defiler does bring horrible, twisted life to the wombs of the barren, so his pro-life credentials are solid.
— @telabs
Sun Oct 08 03:59:09 +0000 2017
Of course, 'cause he can be the yellow defiler of prophecy, yet the most important issue is whether he's sufficiently fiscally conservative. https://t.co/8baICLFw2u
— @listelian
Sun Oct 08 03:42:43 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why Trump Needs to Listen to the God-Thing in the Whispering Lake on Financial Policy
Sun Oct 08 00:37:03 +0000 2017
Arrests for Kale Possession Can Lead to "Harsh Prison Sentences," Warn Prosecutors
Sat Oct 07 20:04:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Police Urge Caution, Decry Vigilantism; “My Husband Only Sold Arugula” Weeps Widow
— @MadJaymilton
Sat Oct 07 20:03:51 +0000 2017
Kale Addicts "Major Threat" to Safety in Suburban Neighborhoods, Say Concerned Parents
Sat Oct 07 20:01:04 +0000 2017
Parents Cautioned to Check Yards for Disposable Syringes Dropped by Kale Users
Sat Oct 07 20:00:11 +0000 2017
Kale: The New Threat That's Destroying Families and Ravaging Neighborhoods
Sat Oct 07 19:59:24 +0000 2017
What the Jupiter Hive-Mind Means for the Ongoing War Between Nazi Mars, Soviet Venus
Sat Oct 07 17:06:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 fortunately, Amtrak still goes there, so you can still ship books, bikes, and bodies for a reasonable rate!
— @tanglefox
Sat Oct 07 17:00:08 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Five Hitler Clones Resign From Trump Administration, Citing "Extremism"
Sat Oct 07 16:56:04 +0000 2017
White House Praises Kentucky's "Creative Problem-Solving," Calls on Senate to Re-Legalize Crucifixion
Sat Oct 07 16:51:56 +0000 2017
"Es Ist Amazing Vhat You Can Do Vis Ein Little Bit von Imagination:" Kentucky Surgeon General Denies Being Escaped Nazi War Criminal
Sat Oct 07 16:50:00 +0000 2017
As Companies Refuse to Sell Lethal Drugs, Kentucky Begins Executing Prisoners Through Injection of Rabies Virus
Sat Oct 07 16:44:40 +0000 2017
USPS Replaces Former Spokesman With One Physically & Spiritually Identical
Sat Oct 07 16:24:02 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
USPS Spokesman Surrounded by Silent Figures in Waterlogged Robes, Borne Away Upon Rotting Wooden Palanquin
Sat Oct 07 16:21:32 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Vast, Dark, Gaping, Roaring Pit Briefly Opens in Press Room, Devouring Reporters, Leaving Only Tongueless Spokesman Untouched
Sat Oct 07 15:56:02 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, USPS Spokesman Saws Out Own Tongue With Pocketknife, Eyes Desperate and Pleading, as Room Begins to Shudder
Sat Oct 07 15:53:53 +0000 2017
USPS Will No Longer Deliver Mail to the Place of Long Knives and Low, Accusing Whispers
Sat Oct 07 15:50:05 +0000 2017
Amazon's License to Sell Fabricated Memories Revoked After Multiple Cases of Blood-Madness
Sat Oct 07 15:33:34 +0000 2017
USDA Spokesman, Eyes Hidden Beneath Torn, Dirty Blindfold, Calls Press Conference, Silently Carves Phrase "EGG HELL" On Wall
Sat Oct 07 15:23:43 +0000 2017
FBI: "Thousands" of Psyches Stolen, Sold on Black Market
Sat Oct 07 04:34:50 +0000 2017
Ring of Kleptopsychiatrists Busted in Maine Sting
Sat Oct 07 04:34:12 +0000 2017
Florida Man Snorts Gallon of Corn Starch,
REDACTED
; Evacuations Ongoing
Sat Oct 07 04:11:26 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Erotican Repubic's Military-Industrial Cumplex is Getting Too Hot for Polititians to Handle
Sat Oct 07 01:36:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/c9i6F0V1Dc
— @chas_lovett
Fri Oct 06 18:20:32 +0000 2017
Flayings of Former Trump Administration Officials Ruled Suicides by Coroner
Fri Oct 06 13:01:50 +0000 2017
"So Much for That," Say Sources
Fri Oct 06 12:57:16 +0000 2017
Experts: It's All Downhill From Here
Fri Oct 06 11:43:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Spokeswoman for Allied Councils of Self-Castigation: We Should Have Known This Would Happen
— @DarrylDaugherty
Fri Oct 06 09:19:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Yom Slakka yom 🌀 yom 🌀〰 yom
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Oct 06 09:13:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Reason 3: This reason is a Ancient Spell of Accursed Blindness
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Oct 06 09:12:59 +0000 2017
Learn the Top Four Signs Your Wicked Stepson is Plotting Your Death
Fri Oct 06 05:26:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Is reason #7 the fact that it's already h
— @solotheloso
Fri Oct 06 03:48:56 +0000 2017
READ NOW: Seven Reasons You Won’t See It Coming
Fri Oct 06 03:37:30 +0000 2017
PepsiCo Announces New Initiative to Capture Souls of Customers for Use in Astral Marketing Efforts
Fri Oct 06 03:33:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 oh my god that was supposed to say "dearth"
— @velartrill
Fri Oct 06 02:43:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 headlines for a while. hopefully i'll have everything back in order soon. as always, thanks for your support!
— @velartrill
Fri Oct 06 02:42:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 and i'm having a hard time getting everything back up to speed. i may have to take a break from narrative arcs and focus on one-off
— @velartrill
Fri Oct 06 02:42:18 +0000 2017
hey @approvednews6 fans, sorry about the death of news lately. the computer i kept all my notes and drafts on bricked itself a few days ago
— @velartrill
Fri Oct 06 02:42:12 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: The Coming Harrowing of the Silent Citadel and How YOU Can Profit
Thu Oct 05 02:06:27 +0000 2017
TONIGHT AT 11: Survivors of the October Incident Share Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Wed Oct 04 17:04:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 News 6's Quick Coverage of Story Result of Good Work Ethic, not Hand in Sabotage, sources say
— @ToriconPrime
Wed Oct 04 16:07:43 +0000 2017
CALAMITY! Grand Gala to Celebrate Anniversary of Newslord 7's Accession to the Undying Council Sabotaged From Within; Hundreds Feared Dead
Wed Oct 04 05:39:29 +0000 2017
Scientists produce electricity from tears, milk and egg white cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/0k5zZKGvpf
— @kellyramsey
Mon Oct 02 19:27:47 +0000 2017
5:19 PM: Gen. Kristen Alexander Reportedly in "Stable Condition" at Hospital
Mon Oct 02 00:19:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 SOURCES: "calling them dead might be overly optimistic of the president"
— @zombiecalypse
Mon Oct 02 00:17:42 +0000 2017
5:14 PM: Army Authorizes Expedition into Oklahoma Exclusion Zone
Mon Oct 02 00:15:19 +0000 2017
4:49 PM: Final Groups of the Infected Reported Euthanized
Sun Oct 01 23:50:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 All Hail The Newslords! #Lower_YeahYerNotBowingLowEnough
— @vanmojo
Sun Oct 01 21:28:09 +0000 2017
1:27 PM: Wreckage of Object Shot Down by Air Force "Cannot be Located," Says Spokesman
Sun Oct 01 20:27:36 +0000 2017
1:26 PM: Nuclear Sterilization of Impact Sites Commences
Sun Oct 01 20:27:01 +0000 2017
12:20 AM: Millions Likely to be Displaced by "Contamination:" Report
Sun Oct 01 19:20:53 +0000 2017
12:17 AM: Air Force Successfully Shoots Down Unidentified Object in Low Earth Orbit
Sun Oct 01 19:17:38 +0000 2017
11:59 AM: National Security Council Approves Plan to Sterilize Impact Sites With Neutron Bombs
Sun Oct 01 18:59:00 +0000 2017
11:59 AM: National Security Council Approves Plan to Sterilize Impact Sites With Neutron Bombs
Sun Oct 01 18:59:00 +0000 2017
11:52 AM: No Fly Zone Established Over Syracuse, New York
Sun Oct 01 18:52:29 +0000 2017
11:47 AM: "There's Something in the Potomac:" D.C. Evacuated
Sun Oct 01 18:50:49 +0000 2017
11:42 AM: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Offers Detachment of Wise Sages to Aid in Relief Operations
Sun Oct 01 18:42:01 +0000 2017
11:35 AM: "Do Not Allow The Dancers To Escape:" Cryptic Radio Transmission Received from Oklahoma Exclusion Zone
Sun Oct 01 18:35:00 +0000 2017
11:34 AM: "Just Piled Them In Like Trash": Cleanup Crews in Boston Discover Mass Grave
Sun Oct 01 18:34:01 +0000 2017
11:27 AM: US Army Breaks Through at Minneapolis; General Kristen Alexander Wounded by
REDACTED
Sun Oct 01 18:27:00 +0000 2017
11:21 AM: "You're All Fired:" Pressed on Leak, Trump Slams Americans for "Dying Like Animals"
Sun Oct 01 18:21:01 +0000 2017
11:17 AM: Casualty Figures Leaked by Source at World Health Organization; Full Death Toll Estimated at Nearly 1 Million
Sun Oct 01 18:17:01 +0000 2017
11:15 AM: Resurgence Event in Chicago Catches Authorities Unprepared; Hundreds Feared Dead
Sun Oct 01 18:15:00 +0000 2017
11:13 AM: Radio AN6 Breaks Through Jamming in Major Cities, Thanks to Tireless Work of Special Publicity Division
Sun Oct 01 18:13:01 +0000 2017
11:09 AM: Autopsy of Unknown Entity Leads to "More Questions than Answers," Say Scientists
Sun Oct 01 18:09:32 +0000 2017
11:00 AM: FEMA Rescinds Nationwide Shelter in Place Order
Sun Oct 01 18:00:16 +0000 2017
TODAY ON APPROVED NEWS 6 We Bring You Live Coverage of the Aftermath of the October Incident As It Happens
Sun Oct 01 17:59:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That's not the plumbing. That's just what happens when Trump opens his mouth.
— @Geek_Pride
Sun Oct 01 16:00:33 +0000 2017
Officials Urge Bitcoin Users to Contact Local Cryptocurrency Exchange Programs, Find Safe Hashing Sites
Sun Oct 01 02:55:30 +0000 2017
We don't want an antidote. What we need is to ensure the rest of the country is infected. We must all serve the good of Bitcoin. https://t.co/rzVCWMYDnh
— @andrewbstiles
Sun Oct 01 02:54:36 +0000 2017
Inside Source: Plumbing in White House "Has Been Backed Up For Weeks;" "Solid Inch" of Fecal Matter Coating Floor in Most Rooms
Sun Oct 01 02:37:39 +0000 2017
As Spate of Overdoses Sweeps Nation, Medical Industry Seeks Antidote to Bitcoin
Sun Oct 01 02:36:35 +0000 2017
Florida Man Overdoses on Bitcoin
Sat Sep 30 22:53:34 +0000 2017
REMINDER: Update Your Pledges Now at https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q to Ensure Timely Access to Approved Content
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:43:19 +0000 2017
"Such A Beautiful Paywall:" Reached With News of Approved News 6's New Publication Model, President Trump Reportedly Moved to Tears
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:43:14 +0000 2017
"All Hail the Excessive Wisdom of Great Council of Newslords & Their Limitless Splendor," Report Appropriate Individuals, Each Bowing Low
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:43:09 +0000 2017
In Act of Immense, Profound Generosity Greeted by Universal Adulation, Newslords Vote to Keep Live Feed "Freely Accessible Online"
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:43:04 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Vows to Begin "Online Distribution" of Print Editions as PDFs to $7/Month (Status "UNCONQUERED SURICATE") Supporters
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:42:57 +0000 2017
Beginning in October, Future Articles Will Be Accessible Only to $4/Month (Status "GRUESOME BADGER") Supporters
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:42:54 +0000 2017
BREAKING: Newslords Announce New Content Model for Approved News 6
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 30 21:42:51 +0000 2017
SNEAK PREVIEW: Pledge $7 by the End of October to Receive the Approved News 6 Monthly Digest https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/ycxzAW9f8G
Sat Sep 30 20:24:01 +0000 2017
Backing Away Slowly, Newslords Brandish American Flag, Begin Chanting Hymn of the Sightless Worms https://t.co/fRZL54BXjo
Sat Sep 30 17:25:04 +0000 2017
High on Cursed Fairy Cannabis, Florida Man Invents "Reverse Toilet"
Sat Sep 30 17:18:47 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Update Your Pledges Now at https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q to Ensure Timely Access to Approved Content
Sat Sep 30 17:18:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 President's suggestion wall be transparent "so that paying readers can see news being lobbed over by catapults of the unblessed" dismissed
— @Chirurgic
Sat Sep 30 17:17:27 +0000 2017
"Such A Beautiful Paywall:" Reached With News of Approved News 6's New Publication Model, President Trump Reportedly Moved to Tears
Sat Sep 30 17:14:53 +0000 2017
"All Hail the Excessive Wisdom of Great Council of Newslords & Their Limitless Splendor," Report Appropriate Individuals, Each Bowing Low
Sat Sep 30 17:13:23 +0000 2017
In Act of Immense, Profound Generosity Greeted by Universal Adulation, Newslords Vote to Keep Live Feed "Freely Accessible Online"
Sat Sep 30 17:11:38 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Vows to Begin "Online Distribution" of Print Editions as PDFs to $7/Month (Status "UNCONQUERED SURICATE") Supporters
Sat Sep 30 17:10:09 +0000 2017
Beginning in October, Future Articles Will Be Accessible Only to $4/Month (Status "GRUESOME BADGER") Supporters
Sat Sep 30 17:08:58 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Newslords Announce New Content Model for Approved News 6
Sat Sep 30 17:07:37 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The New Orleans Monolith is Good for Bitcoin
Fri Sep 29 02:12:07 +0000 2017
"Willful Immorality:" Mayor of New Orleans Provokes Harsh Criticism from Religious Right by Levitating Silently in Front of Monolith
Thu Sep 28 18:31:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: why we love to fear and fear to love the Monolith
— @zombiecalypse
Thu Sep 28 18:30:12 +0000 2017
Florida Man Beaten to Death With Tactical Nuclear Weapon Offered Book Deal
Thu Sep 28 18:14:44 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Why We Fear the Monolith
Thu Sep 28 18:05:14 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why We Love the Monolith
Thu Sep 28 18:05:06 +0000 2017
New Orleans City Council: Monolith Has Already Improved Productivity Citywide by 70%
Thu Sep 28 18:04:02 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, New Orleans Monolith Looms Imposingly
Thu Sep 28 18:00:21 +0000 2017
New Orleans Monolith Blamed in Airplane Crash; No Bodies Found in Wreckage
Thu Sep 28 17:59:41 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn "Unavailable For Comment;" Reportedly Leading War Party in Conquest of Venezuela
Thu Sep 28 17:27:46 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Spokeswoman Decries "Violation of Cascadian Sovereignty"
Thu Sep 28 17:27:12 +0000 2017
Generals Warn California Victory "Pyrrhic;" America "May No Longer Be Able" to Field Necessary Troops to Thwart She Who Must Be Thwarted
Thu Sep 28 17:23:57 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Trump's Crippling Phobia of Spheroids is Wholly Understandable After His Experiences With the Moon
Thu Sep 28 17:22:29 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Trump's Cowardice in the Face of Spheroids is Fueling America's Orb Crisis
Thu Sep 28 17:20:34 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Trump Retreats From Podium After Being Swarmed by War Orbs
Thu Sep 28 17:19:18 +0000 2017
Trump, Triumphant, Speaks to Media to Commend US Army for "Tremendous Victory," "Just the Greatest Victory" in California
Thu Sep 28 17:18:15 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Cascadian Empire Spokeswoman Sister Vindicta Breaks Iron Battleaxe Over Knee, Vows Bloody Vengeance
Thu Sep 28 17:15:57 +0000 2017
Occupational Gov. Kingsley Hellthrash Flees to Oregon; Hundreds of Soldiers Found Dead Bearing Wounds Consistent With Attack by Slow Loris
Thu Sep 28 17:15:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
American Troops, in Desperate Push, Retake California From Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Thu Sep 28 17:13:22 +0000 2017
Bewailment of the Forsaken Vestibule Postponed Due to Conflict With Annual Symbolic Abduction of Maryland's Widowers
Thu Sep 28 06:32:19 +0000 2017
DEA Spokeswoman: Schedule 0 "Largely Self-Enforcing," "Beyond Human Control"
Thu Sep 28 06:02:06 +0000 2017
Speaking Through Vocoder from Undisclosed Location, Legal Consultant Implies Possession of Schedule-0 Substances Carries Penalty of "Snakes"
Thu Sep 28 05:03:57 +0000 2017
After Five-Minute Period of Public Comment, DEA Moves Powdered Archfungus to Mysterious "Schedule 0" of Controlled Substances Act
Thu Sep 28 04:58:19 +0000 2017
FCC Raises Concerns New Orleans Monolith May Run Afoul of Cell Phone Jamming Regulations
Thu Sep 28 04:54:37 +0000 2017
"This Monolith is the Future of Our City," Says New Orleans Councilmember Jason Williams
Thu Sep 28 04:53:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Hurricane protection at last
— @timserpas
Thu Sep 28 04:50:00 +0000 2017
"Friends of the Monolith" Group Formed to Hold Daily Humming Circles Around New Orleans Monolith
Thu Sep 28 04:48:16 +0000 2017
New Orleans Residents Report All Winds Suddenly Replaced by "Deathly Calm" Within Seven Feet of Monolith
Thu Sep 28 04:46:01 +0000 2017
Orbwatchers Report Chicago Orb Moving at Estimated One Centimeter Per Day Towards New Orleans Monolith
Thu Sep 28 04:45:24 +0000 2017
Mayor Refuses to Comment on Job Postings for Janitor to Scrape Worms Nightly Off New Orleans Monolith
Thu Sep 28 04:44:30 +0000 2017
Officials Agree to Put Up Safety Fence Around New Orleans Monolith After Multiple Children Spontaneously Lose Consciousness in its Vicinity
Thu Sep 28 04:43:23 +0000 2017
City of New Orleans Unveils Towering Monolith Which Birds Refuse to Approach
Thu Sep 28 04:05:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/h5zstJLjKQ
— @mcclure111
Thu Sep 28 04:02:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It doesn't help that sky pirates are seldom seen without them.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Wed Sep 27 23:58:25 +0000 2017
COUNTER-COUNTER-POINT: Follow the Feathers. https://t.co/DLjOgNqmUt
— @ladyjax
Wed Sep 27 23:57:53 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Hateful Stereotypes of Parakeets as Drug Dealers & Loan Sharks Must End https://t.co/IcUJCjeMzu
Wed Sep 27 23:15:35 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Time fer Ye to Walk the Plank, Matey
Wed Sep 27 21:56:25 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Sky Pirates Plaguing Missouri Must Be the Legislature's Top Priority
Wed Sep 27 21:55:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 hard to get anywhere when you keep turning right...
— @martijaxn
Wed Sep 27 21:45:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And now they will definitely not see Mars.
— @harald387
Wed Sep 27 21:45:15 +0000 2017
"Pablo Escobird:" FBI Identifies Small Angry Parakeet Living in Tucson as Worldwide Cocaine Magnate
Wed Sep 27 20:49:12 +0000 2017
Trump's Delegation to Nazi Mars Reportedly Lost in Space
Wed Sep 27 20:28:50 +0000 2017
Patron Saint of Drive-By Shootings Blamed in Miraculous Assassination of Cardinal Opposed to Pope Francis on Grounds "She Is A Grizzly Bear"
Wed Sep 27 01:52:37 +0000 2017
Analysts: Soviet Venus Likely to Be "Largely Unaffected" by American Embargo, As It Is Over 100 Million Miles Away, & Shares No Trade Ties
Tue Sep 26 06:14:05 +0000 2017
"A Planet of Intolerant Warmongers:" Democrats Demand Embargo of Soviet Venus
Tue Sep 26 06:11:58 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Soviet Venus Declares War on Nazi Mars
Tue Sep 26 06:11:05 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Need to Give "Das Marsreich" A Chance
Mon Sep 25 22:42:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 AGAIN!?
— @solotheloso
Mon Sep 25 22:39:12 +0000 2017
Trump Establishes Diplomatic Relations With Nazi Mars
Mon Sep 25 22:38:23 +0000 2017
Gruppenführer Hans Totenkopf: "It Was Actually Pretty Easy," "There Wasn't Really Anyone Here," "Heil Hitler, Lügenpresse Schweinhund!"
Mon Sep 25 22:37:53 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Nazis Conquer Mars
Mon Sep 25 22:34:28 +0000 2017
0 Ways to Sleep Soundly Tonight
Mon Sep 25 22:33:40 +0000 2017
10 Places You Thought Were Secure That Our Intrepid Reporters Have Already Infiltrated
Mon Sep 25 22:32:44 +0000 2017
5 Parts of the Human Body Most Sensitive to Physical Pain (You'll Never Go Out With #3 Uncovered Again)
Mon Sep 25 22:31:22 +0000 2017
7 Ways We'll Make You Talk
Mon Sep 25 22:29:33 +0000 2017
17 Reasons You Should Never Lie to Our Investigative Reporters
Mon Sep 25 22:29:22 +0000 2017
4 Things He Said Which He Foolishly Thought Would Buy Him Mercy
Mon Sep 25 22:28:21 +0000 2017
70 Things You'll Never Believe We Did To The Man Who Dared Besmirch Our Journalistic Integrity
Mon Sep 25 22:27:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: Nobody Knows the Troubles I've Seen
— @tomscud
Mon Sep 25 22:24:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Not worried about how this is gonna conflict with the agenda of the Ten Years of Deathly Drought co-op? It was a BRUTAL fight last time.
— @solotheloso
Mon Sep 25 21:24:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Poor Fools Claim They Would Do It All Again In A Heartbeat Anyway. Op/Ed: When Will They Learn?
— @FXSPeteMurray
Mon Sep 25 19:35:53 +0000 2017
"Did You Really Think You'd Get Away With It," Say Experts
Mon Sep 25 19:24:51 +0000 2017
New Study Shows They Know, They All Know, & They've Known All Along
Mon Sep 25 19:23:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EDITORIAL: Guys I Just Asked You To Agree On A Pizza For Dinner Do We Have To Do This Every Time?
— @TBSkyen
Mon Sep 25 19:22:40 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Get Thee Gone, Filth, For Your False Prophet is Slain & Your Citadel Laid Bare; You Shall Find No Supremacy Upon This Earth
Mon Sep 25 19:21:22 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Hearken to Me, Ye of the Court of Whispers; Sharpen Your Teeth & Ready Your Blades, For The Time of Our Ascendance of Nigh
Mon Sep 25 19:19:13 +0000 2017
His Suppurating Majesty Cyst-King Stephen of the New Jersey Biowaste Pits Dispatches Hundreds of Sludge Beasts to Assist in Hurricane Relief
Mon Sep 25 19:15:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 providing New Yorkers with the boon of constant alertness against the dangers of the hellscape is a blatant PR move, but a nice one
— @Chirurgic
Mon Sep 25 17:19:09 +0000 2017
Newly Mechanized Squirrels Seen Breathing Steam & Clanking Through Ruins of New York at Night; "We Can No Longer Sleep," Say Locals
Mon Sep 25 17:14:01 +0000 2017
Florida Mom Explains Why You Should Always Debone Your Children
Mon Sep 25 17:09:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 define "virgin"
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Sep 25 07:15:48 +0000 2017
"It's A Great Council," "They've Got the Best Shadows:" Trump Refuses to Condemn Forbidden Lands Shadow Council's Edict of Unending Rain
Mon Sep 25 05:28:24 +0000 2017
Shadow Council's Rain Edict "Likely to Devastate" Agriculture, Infrastructure Worldwide, Analysts Warn
Mon Sep 25 05:18:59 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council, Pressed For Comment, Weeps Until Their Tears Fill the Forlorn Pavilion, Wash Reporters Away to Sea
Mon Sep 25 05:17:50 +0000 2017
Rates of Seasonal Affective Disorder "Rising Worldwide," Analysts Report
Mon Sep 25 05:15:57 +0000 2017
Protesters Fill Muddy Streets to Demand Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Rescind Its Edict of One Thousand Days of Rain Upon the Earth
Mon Sep 25 05:15:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Their tourism slogan is "Tastier than the town that made thyme illegal!"
— @Geek_Pride
Mon Sep 25 05:13:23 +0000 2017
Meet the Town that Made Time Illegal
Sun Sep 24 23:42:37 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Senate Majority Leader Pulls Handful After Handful of Glistening Beetles From Mouth
Sun Sep 24 20:09:35 +0000 2017
Senate Votes to Make Emerald Cockroach Wasp National Bird
Sun Sep 24 20:08:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 DISCLAIMER: Send Us Another Vial of Extra Virgin Olive Oil, We Fucking Dare You
— @flare_director
Sun Sep 24 17:36:59 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Still a Virgin? We Buy Blood! Earn $100 Per Pint, or Up to $200 for the Specially Destined!
Sun Sep 24 06:55:48 +0000 2017
HOME IMPROVEMENT: Curse-Breaking Doesn't Have to be a Chore - This New Cantrip Makes Detecting Corpses Under the Floorboards Easy & Fun
Sun Sep 24 06:53:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Listen guys, I know it sounds adventurous and romantic, but I read the article and the Dread Legion is just a multi-level marketing scheme 🙁
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Sep 23 19:27:47 +0000 2017
LIFESTYLE: 7 Fun Ways for You & the Kids to Placate the Wrathful Ghosts of Your Ancestors that Haunt the Family Burial-Pits
Sat Sep 23 07:28:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 But what's their record on marriage equality? All fine until you realise it's just the same neo-liberal corpse bees we've seen 100x before.
— @Vorac1ty
Sat Sep 23 07:26:40 +0000 2017
Thus was slain my father - when I was but a child. Each day I train to one day reclaim my throne. https://t.co/2UDSm8Twyv
— @JonBolds
Sat Sep 23 01:40:26 +0000 2017
This Swarm of Bees Inhabiting the Hollowed-Out Flesh of a Dead Man Has Some Unconventional Thoughts on Tort Reform
Sat Sep 23 00:58:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Spokesman Emits Burst of Sparks from Mouth, Collapses with Metallic Clatter
Fri Sep 22 22:05:58 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Collecting Squirrels "By the Hundreds," Say Witnesses
Fri Sep 22 22:05:03 +0000 2017
TODAY IN HISTORY, 1989: Wayward Prince of the Sevenfold Legion Beheads the Prophet-King Abrazon, Ending the War of the Wandering Continent
Fri Sep 22 20:50:43 +0000 2017
it's only a dollar to help keep @ApprovedNews6 afloat! https://t.co/rkLw9H4sQi
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Sep 22 20:16:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Look, the First Million Knives Was Cool and Edgy, But Another Million? What a Boring Way to Waste Tax Dollars
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Sep 22 18:48:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You'll Never Guess That It's With Another Million Knives
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Sep 22 18:35:25 +0000 2017
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/lLmAXSQSs5
— @BadExampleMan
Fri Sep 22 08:16:14 +0000 2017
Australia Okays Use of Bees in Non-Classifed Operations
— @hail_ants_bot
Fri Sep 22 07:48:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It has no great strength at sea; let us seek solace in our ancient ally, Aquaerobics
— @Chirurgic
Fri Sep 22 06:39:08 +0000 2017
LIFESTYLE: Jazzercise is Back, and This Time, Our Weapons are Useless Against It
Fri Sep 22 05:30:41 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Our Hard-Hitting Journalism is Publicly Available to All at https://t.co/R7DYxlmd90
Thu Sep 21 22:02:33 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged Just $1 a Month, Approved News 6 Would Easily Meet Its Fundraising Goals https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Sep 21 22:01:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 you do you, champ! it's only impossible if you don't try! 👍🏼
— @martijaxn
Thu Sep 21 21:44:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 My lich-teacher always told me "don't dress for the arcane might you have, dress for the arcane might you WANT". Words to "live" by.
— @solotheloso
Thu Sep 21 21:44:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I like the aesthetic of ritual cloaks as much as anyone, but I'm happy to skip the dry cleaning bill from wearing them all the time.
— @andrewbstiles
Thu Sep 21 21:43:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Sure, blame millennials for asking hard questions about the ethical sourcing of their Sacred Chanting and Invocations vestments.
— @SimeonTheFool
Thu Sep 21 21:43:30 +0000 2017
Most Millennials "Wear T-Shirts, Jeans" to Abjurations & Evokations, Study Reports, Reserving Cloaks for "The Darkest of Magicks"
Thu Sep 21 21:34:45 +0000 2017
New Study Claims Millennials Are Killing the Ritual Cloak Industry
Thu Sep 21 21:32:59 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
If Donald Trump Reclaims the Claw, the Great Golden Beast Shall Surely Wake
Thu Sep 21 21:32:09 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Make the Great Golden Beast A Cornerstone of Our Foreign Policy
Thu Sep 21 21:31:18 +0000 2017
Meet the Man Raising A Dread Legion to Besiege the Haunted Citadel of King Who Was, the King Who Is, & the King Who Shall Forever Be
Thu Sep 21 21:29:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 TRY NOT TO CRY: This Hierophant Spent 20 Years Raising His Dead God! What He Said When They Met Will Shock You...
— @daigledopple
Thu Sep 21 21:27:31 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Ancient Severed Hand Unearthed Intact at Cincinnati Construction Site, Still Clutching Hawksblood Pendant
Thu Sep 21 21:21:29 +0000 2017
How the City of A Million Knives is Revitalizing Its Waterfront District After Ten Eons Beneath the Wrathful Edict of the Wailing Despoiler
Thu Sep 21 21:18:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 whoa, cia spokesman playing fast and loose with the "no comment" comment. i wouldn't no comment further...
— @martijaxn
Thu Sep 21 21:16:51 +0000 2017
CIA Spokesman, Pressed on She Who Cannot Be Commented Upon: "No Comment"
Thu Sep 21 20:55:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I hope they don't put Him in a client-facing position - SOB can't quit yapping about his kid.
— @uneasyspirit
Thu Sep 21 20:53:46 +0000 2017
Italian Court Sentences God to Twelve Eons of Community Service
Thu Sep 21 20:25:12 +0000 2017
REMINDER: Pledge Now to Preserve What Little May Yet Be Preserved https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/ISZNK8PJnA
— @ApprovedNews6
Thu Sep 21 18:12:42 +0000 2017
Chanting in Luxembourgish, GlaxoSmithKline CEO Strips Shirtless Before Reporters, Performs Dance of the Circling Egret
Thu Sep 21 18:05:09 +0000 2017
Tonight on Approved News 6: We Explore Trump's Complex Relationship With the Lost City of Xalabraddon
Wed Sep 20 21:20:55 +0000 2017
Trump Orders Airstrike on Lost City of Xalabraddon
Wed Sep 20 21:19:16 +0000 2017
"Nobody Knows," "If It's So Great Why'd They Lose It," "It's Not Even Real, You Know:" Trump Denies Having Found of Lost City of Xalabraddon
Wed Sep 20 21:17:14 +0000 2017
"I Know Where It Is," "Of Course I Know Where It Is," "I've Always Known Where It Is:" Trump Claims to Have Found Lost City of Xalabraddon
Wed Sep 20 21:08:08 +0000 2017
White House Source Characterizes Trump's Hitler Clones as "Moderating Influence" on President
— @ApprovedNews6
Wed Sep 20 16:34:31 +0000 2017
White House Source Characterizes Trump's Hitler Clones as "Moderating Influence" on President
Wed Sep 20 10:47:43 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Pledge Now to Preserve What Little May Yet Be Preserved https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/ISZNK8PJnA
Wed Sep 20 04:53:29 +0000 2017
D.C. Police Unveil Nation's First Combined Free Speech & Organ Harvesting Zone
Wed Sep 20 00:45:12 +0000 2017
Why Ted Cruz's Illegal Ghost Fetish Could Bring Down the Government of Peru
Tue Sep 19 20:02:53 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Issues Urgent Reminder https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q https://t.co/RvHqiAtgNk
— @ApprovedNews6
Tue Sep 19 16:22:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/AIIi33Wn9h
— @President_Ark
Tue Sep 19 16:11:32 +0000 2017
Donald Trump grows into a Category 5 storm and makes landfall in the storm-battered Caribbean
— @TwoHeadlines
Tue Sep 19 05:31:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Rurd3LjCIv
— @sorosmoney
Tue Sep 19 05:30:48 +0000 2017
Speaking to Press, You Remain Too Shaken by Revelation to Immediately Process Its Significance for Your Future
Tue Sep 19 01:51:39 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council, Speaking Through Interpretative Dance, Expresses Hope You Can Forgive Your Father, Find Peace as Family
Tue Sep 19 01:47:59 +0000 2017
"I Still Love You, Son:" Your Long-Lost Father Apologizes for His Foolish Suspicion Your Beloved Husband Was an Agent of the Serpent King
Tue Sep 19 01:47:11 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Complaints, Forbidden Lands Shadow Councilor Reveals Self as Your Estranged Father, Long Ago Thought Lost at Sea
Tue Sep 19 01:33:53 +0000 2017
Nations Outraged: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council "Vastly Overstepping its Authority," Says EU Spokeswoman
Tue Sep 19 01:12:40 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Votes for One Thousand Days of Ceaseless Rain Upon the Earth
Tue Sep 19 01:10:43 +0000 2017
Analysts: Due to Longstanding Classification of Disembodied Organs as "Biologically Subhuman," McCarthy Appeal "On Shaky Legal Ground"
Mon Sep 18 22:55:51 +0000 2017
Rep. McCarthy's Detached Head Vows to Appeal
Mon Sep 18 22:54:53 +0000 2017
Rep. Kevin McCarthy's Detached Head "Cannot Continue to Hold House Seat," Court Rules
Mon Sep 18 22:54:04 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
https://t.co/BuGm45Eza5
Mon Sep 18 21:56:31 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Issues Urgent Reminder https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q https://t.co/RvHqiAtgNk
Mon Sep 18 21:54:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the Shape has been selected as the new press secretary for the governor of New Jersey https://t.co/SZfEzcpKoE
— @mcclure111
Mon Sep 18 21:36:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Come on now, that's WAY too presidential for Trump.
— @harald387
Mon Sep 18 19:58:24 +0000 2017
TONIGHT AT 8: Plague-Bearer of the Sunken City to Debate She Who Throttles the Dawn on Fate of the Wandering Continent — Only on AN6
Mon Sep 18 19:17:56 +0000 2017
Asked for Statement, Trump Squats on Podium, Begins Gnawing on Severed Human Ear
Mon Sep 18 19:12:41 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, Schumer's Eyes Blacken as All Flowers in D.C. Simultaneously Wilt
Mon Sep 18 19:10:37 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Ryan Opens Mouth Wide to Reveal Gums Spiked With Jagged, Needle-Like Teeth
Mon Sep 18 19:07:31 +0000 2017
Schumer: Congressional Republicans "Will Contemplate Despair for the Totality of Their Verminous Existence"
Mon Sep 18 19:02:51 +0000 2017
Senate Democrats "Will Weep For Twelve Thousand Years," Says Ryan
Mon Sep 18 18:59:14 +0000 2017
Pressed on Loss of Cassini Probe, Saturn Spokesmoon Refuses to Comment
Sun Sep 17 10:37:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Why I Think You Should Bring It, But Doubt You Have The Courage To Face Me Like The Cowards You Are
— @ShinNovaheart
Sun Sep 17 10:36:36 +0000 2017
4 Reasons You'll Have to Stop Running Eventually
Sun Sep 17 04:29:00 +0000 2017
Why We're Going to Hunt You Down Like a Dog
Sun Sep 17 04:28:18 +0000 2017
Oklahoma Man Sues for Right to be Ripped Limb from Limb by Jury in Embezzlement Case
Sun Sep 17 02:00:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Deity's defense hinges on notion that prophecy *cannot* be false: "It is the responsibility of believers to bring about predicted outcomes."
— @tweetsthecreeps
Sat Sep 16 14:04:34 +0000 2017
@umacf24 @ApprovedNews6 It takes guts to rely on that defense.
— @Esquiring
Fri Sep 15 20:32:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 GOD FRAUD? FLAWED: Defense Points Out "It's Called the Crimson Deceiver; What Were You Expecting?"; Cult's Blood-Prosecutor Stunned
— @flare_director
Fri Sep 15 20:27:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Fake news. False prophecy WITHOUT ENTRAILS has not been a tort since passage of the Auguries Act.
— @umacf24
Fri Sep 15 20:26:37 +0000 2017
RELATED: God of Lawyers Disbarred
Fri Sep 15 20:26:10 +0000 2017
GOD FRAUD: Cult of the Crimson Deceiver Sues Patron Deity for "Misrepresentations of Omnipotence," False Prophecy
Fri Sep 15 20:19:29 +0000 2017
Florida Man Sues State for Right to Livetweet Own Execution
Fri Sep 15 19:12:05 +0000 2017
Florida Man Sues State for Right to Livetweet Own Execution
Fri Sep 15 19:12:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @NorWesternCrow Lawyer: "it was entirely pro boner, there was no misconfuckt"
— @atonal440
Thu Sep 14 23:59:01 +0000 2017
Florentine Robot Republic Dispatches Ambassadroid to Washington
Thu Sep 14 20:39:43 +0000 2017
Speaking From Safehouse at Undisclosed Location, Approved News 6 Washington Bureau Chief Lambastes Sen. XL333012's "Contempt for the Press"
Thu Sep 14 20:38:25 +0000 2017
Massachusetts Tissue Recycling Initiative Hits Regulatory Snag Due to "And The Unworthy Shall Perish Astride the Threshold" Act of 1972
Thu Sep 14 20:37:05 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 Obliterates Approved News 6 Washington Offices With Cruise Missile
Thu Sep 14 20:35:51 +0000 2017
Analysts: Trump's Move on Florentine Robot Republic Could be Attempt to Secure Backing, Air Support from Sen. XL333012 (R-FL)
Thu Sep 14 20:34:58 +0000 2017
Trump Defies International Consensus, Orders State Department to Officially Recognize Florentine Robot Republic
Thu Sep 14 20:33:37 +0000 2017
Centrism Is Bigger Than Donald Trump
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Sep 14 20:28:29 +0000 2017
Interior Sexcretary of the Erotican Repubic Fingered in Tits-for-Ass Skindal
Thu Sep 14 20:06:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Sick and tired of the Eternal Sleepers thinking they can dictate my meta-psychological states.
— @solotheloso
Thu Sep 14 18:13:57 +0000 2017
Why Being Woke Could Soon Be Illegal
Thu Sep 14 18:05:57 +0000 2017
Wandering Crone of the Impossible Desert Announces New Round of Venture Capital Funding
Thu Sep 14 17:53:38 +0000 2017
New Poll Shows Trump's Support Diminishing Among the Lurking Class
Thu Sep 14 15:57:48 +0000 2017
"The Moon Shall Boil, the Sun Shall Rot in the Sky, & the Great Golden Beast Shall Stir:" Bone Oracles "Bearish" on $AAPL
Thu Sep 14 02:33:53 +0000 2017
"He's Got Good Teeth:" Trump Weighs in to Defend Ted Cruz
Wed Sep 13 23:01:26 +0000 2017
What the Hell Is Going to Happen
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Sep 13 06:11:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 THEYRE COMING FOR THE NEWS ORB https://t.co/J6rZOfpfW8
— @AndrewNCassidy
Wed Sep 13 02:29:14 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Yeah, Well Fuck YOU, Man
Wed Sep 13 01:59:06 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Fuck Millennials
Wed Sep 13 01:58:47 +0000 2017
Under Cruz's "American Jobs Act," Mutants, Hooligan Classes, & "The Biologically Subhuman" Would Become Eligible for Summary Enslavement
Tue Sep 12 23:57:06 +0000 2017
Democrats: Cruz Bill "Blatant Attempt" to Distract From Cuck Porn Scandal; "Rest Assured, We Will Not Lose Our Focus"
Tue Sep 12 23:49:36 +0000 2017
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) Proposes Bill to Re-Institute Slavery
Tue Sep 12 23:48:54 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Shadow Conspiracy, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Unveils Somber Monument to Fleetness of Joy, Persistence of Memory
Tue Sep 12 19:43:49 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why She Who Throttles the Dawn Must Relinquish the Adamant Saber of the Never-Prince
Tue Sep 12 19:39:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Good! Until the -1% acquiesce, the manifold should remain stymied.
— @solotheloso
Tue Sep 12 18:39:18 +0000 2017
Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Refuses to Speak to Press, Directs All Questions to Sacred Office of the Perilous Truth
Tue Sep 12 18:39:10 +0000 2017
Protesters Besiege the Beneficent Manifold
Tue Sep 12 18:35:38 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Operative Arrested in Connection with "Nearly Successful" Plot to Collect the Anguished Tears of Seven Heads of State
Tue Sep 12 17:29:59 +0000 2017
Vatican Spokesman Recommends Faithful Perform All Prayers in Ecclesiastical Latin Until Further Notice to Avoid Interruption of Service
Tue Sep 12 17:24:18 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
In Unprecedented Move, Vatican To Roll God Back to Previous Version Due to "Fundamental Flaws" in Recent Upgrade
Tue Sep 12 17:22:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ah9aGgSW8D
— @chas_lovett
Tue Sep 12 17:07:39 +0000 2017
Wyoming's Annual Festival of the Heavenly Corpse Canceled Due to Inclement Weather
Tue Sep 12 01:52:51 +0000 2017
hey, my girlfriend is significantly struggling right now. stuff like @ApprovedNews6 pays her bills rn: please help us. https://t.co/f0CFAr1bpC
— @alfiepates
Mon Sep 11 18:30:07 +0000 2017
there are thousands of you who read and evidently enjoy my work. please think about what that's worth to you. thank you.
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:21 +0000 2017
and at @substation77 (https://t.co/3Fa97Dansn)
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:18 +0000 2017
you can find my work (all of it) online, for free, at https://t.co/QlLbGKyLM7; at @ApprovedNews6 (https://t.co/I6sdBt7jT1);
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:10 +0000 2017
still around is incredibly generous donations from a few close friends. I want to make this work. but I can't do it on my own.
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:08 +0000 2017
with my food benefits being slashed, I no longer can afford everything I need to. my savings are lower every month, and the only reason I'm
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:06 +0000 2017
streams pretty soon, and I don't know what that will mean for my work. I am bringing in the absolute bare minimum I need to survive, and
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:04 +0000 2017
if you don't (and yes, I mean you; nobody else is going to step up in your place) I'm going to have to start looking for alternate revenue
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:03:00 +0000 2017
so if you enjoy my work (and if you don't, why the hell are you following me?) please, take 5 minutes to pledge a dollar on patreon.
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:02:57 +0000 2017
be able to do this on my own terms. but I can't keep doing it at the rate I'm being compensated.
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:02:55 +0000 2017
control by mainstream publications, and I don't want to hide my work behind a paywall so only people with money can see it. I just want to
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:02:54 +0000 2017
all I want to do with my life is create art, to tell stories. I don't want to make money, I don't want to have to submit to editorial
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:02:52 +0000 2017
hey reminder that I literally can't survive without your monthly contributions https://t.co/76qHXTXxht
— @velartrill
Mon Sep 11 16:02:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Erotican Repubic Clams Respoonsibiltity For Extended Act Of News Terrorgasm, CNN Reveals Own Inferiortity To Cumfused Viewers https://t.co/pcvJcxuZRt
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Sep 11 00:32:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Nothing beats local-grown, though.
— @theredlongitude
Sun Sep 10 17:59:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/eSdpsewuVJ
— @rhoark
Sun Sep 10 17:58:50 +0000 2017
CEOs Petition GOP to Take Softer Stance on Immigration, Citing Immigrants' "Valuable Organs"
Sun Sep 10 07:21:49 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Trump's Border Wall is a Costly Mistake — Immigrants Are Delicious
Sun Sep 10 07:19:52 +0000 2017
Trump "Can No Longer Step Outside" Without Being "Immediately Mauled" by "Hundreds of Sledgehogs:" Inside Source
Sun Sep 10 05:38:21 +0000 2017
Five Ways to Spice Up Your Funeral Using Lost Nazi Super-Science
Sat Sep 09 17:05:54 +0000 2017
"Teleportation is a Sin:" Paul Ryan Takes Conservative Stance on Morality
Sat Sep 09 03:47:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Florida Man's Hurricane Seen to Drift Inland, Tear Open Earth's Crust, Propel Lava and Rocks Skyward In World's First Known Hurricano
— @flare_director
Sat Sep 09 02:24:45 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Unusually Loud Noises Coming from Whispering Woods, Fairy Queen, Who Does Not Exist, Places Belching Hex on Reporter
Sat Sep 09 00:26:08 +0000 2017
High on Crawfish & Kerosene, Florida Man Causes Hurricane
Sat Sep 09 00:24:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/FkuvJtqcbJ
— @CharlesFLehman
Fri Sep 08 22:14:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 STUDY: https://t.co/5BkSFBpujK
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Sep 08 21:16:35 +0000 2017
EXPOSÉ: The KGB Called it "Vozdukh" — And These Days, It's Everywhere
Fri Sep 08 16:08:19 +0000 2017
This happens all the time, you just gotta give it a bit of the old one-two and then hit it with the thing - no, the other thing - and bang https://t.co/H0UO5pAXNU
— @rhcm123
Fri Sep 08 04:59:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/RwTIczJWD3
— @jleedev
Fri Sep 08 01:15:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/69kKFk0IcZ
— @_HaikusGoddess
Fri Sep 08 00:44:28 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Pope Francis Roars Ferociously, Mauls Reporters for Approaching Her Cubs
Fri Sep 08 00:23:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OK, this is fake news. I submitted a bug report along with proposed fixes last month. In return I was excommunicated
— @surly_squirrel
Fri Sep 08 00:23:26 +0000 2017
Vatican Spokesman: God "Taken Back Offline" Until Issues Can Be Resolved; "We Apologize for the Inconvenience"
Fri Sep 08 00:22:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 so, fewer than last year
— @surly_squirrel
Fri Sep 08 00:22:05 +0000 2017
Vatican Takes Responsibility for Spate of Apparent Smitings, Blaming "Untested" Updates to God
Fri Sep 08 00:21:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 thank god. er, uhh, I mean HAIL THE ORB
— @joe_no_privacy
Fri Sep 08 00:21:10 +0000 2017
Thousands of Cases of Bubonic Plague, Spanish Flu Reported in Florida
Fri Sep 08 00:20:38 +0000 2017
Wisconsin Sinks, Again
Fri Sep 08 00:18:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 As a firstborn, FAKE NEWS
— @particle_p
Fri Sep 08 00:17:38 +0000 2017
New Jersey Turned to Salt; Film at 11
Fri Sep 08 00:17:32 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Firstborn Sons Dying En Masse Nationwide
Fri Sep 08 00:16:31 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Locusts Everywhere
Fri Sep 08 00:15:25 +0000 2017
"Freedom from Freedom is the Most Important Freedom of All:" Senate Republicans Outline Legislative Agenda
Thu Sep 07 20:38:45 +0000 2017
Pressed on Hurricane Aid Bill, Sen. Pelosi (D-CA) Strangles Reporters With Own Shadow
Thu Sep 07 19:11:33 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council, Charles J. Bloodhorn, Many Bone Sorceresses Supreme, & Fairy Queen, Who Does Not Exist, Reportedly Invited
Thu Sep 07 18:23:28 +0000 2017
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods to Chair Mysterious Conference Upon the Somber Apex
Thu Sep 07 18:19:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EUTHANASIA 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 MURDER
— @Chirurgic
Thu Sep 07 18:18:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I would like to point out that I was not asked to comment on this blatant hit piece and any "quotes" from me are outright fabrications
— @Chirurgic
Thu Sep 07 18:18:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I am not comforted by this.
— @ladyjax
Thu Sep 07 17:57:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Man or the World?
— @jjm6501
Thu Sep 07 17:57:49 +0000 2017
Meet the Man Who's Going to Murder the World — It's Not the One You Think!
Thu Sep 07 17:50:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You don't want to see what *those* munchies look like, man. It's a bad, BAD trip.
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Sep 07 10:26:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I really hope they don't provoke the asteroid weasels, I can't deal with that again.
— @PithyOrNot
Thu Sep 07 03:16:43 +0000 2017
Scientists Report "Thriving Beaver Civilization" Discovered on Dark Side of Moon
Thu Sep 07 03:06:46 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown Leads Army to Liberate Colorado Forced Labor Zone
Thu Sep 07 02:51:14 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, White House Press Secretary Sanders Retreats From Podium, Humming Hymn of the Sightless Worms
Thu Sep 07 02:49:28 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Mar-a-Lago Destroyed in 2017's First Dread Cube Restructuring Event
Thu Sep 07 02:48:00 +0000 2017
Maine Forced Labor Zone Director Kathryn Delauncey: New Policy Necessary to End "Widespread Abuse" of Food
Thu Sep 07 02:41:20 +0000 2017
Maine Forced Labor Zone: Beginning October, Food Will No Longer be Available Without a Prescription
Thu Sep 07 02:40:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It's cuz of the dang debt ceiling, innit
— @icuslidge
Wed Sep 06 21:16:55 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why the Dawn-Sparrow of the Farthest North Must Now Heed the Edict of the Empty Earth
Wed Sep 06 21:03:27 +0000 2017
Batches of Cursed Marijuana Lead to Mass Recall After Colorado Legislature Angers the Fae
Wed Sep 06 20:10:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Reach the promised land in under 3 hours!
— @AndrewNCassidy
Wed Sep 06 20:09:31 +0000 2017
What Mormonism Can Teach Us About Scramjet Design
Wed Sep 06 19:32:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: "Humanly" Possible is an Unnecessary Limitation. The Machines Can Do It Much Faster if Only We Unleash Their Creative Energies
— @3fingeredfox
Wed Sep 06 19:00:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I watched it but it was just howling. I guess I expected... I dunno? Subtitles?
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Sep 06 17:16:52 +0000 2017
In my experience, "Champions of Light" typically already worship a certain deity who has no respect for privacy, so I got no sympathy here. https://t.co/ASSUXAoRTs
— @cg_marcato
Wed Sep 06 17:16:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINIONS FOR THE OPINION SACRIFICIAL PIT https://t.co/0Lbl8Ic3wp
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Sep 06 17:14:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: No You Tit, When I Signed Off On This Plan I Didn't Think You'd Start With Seattle
— @ha_aright
Wed Sep 06 05:11:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Why not both?
— @neil_pettifer
Wed Sep 06 05:05:37 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
We Need to Engineer a Global Pandemic at the Earliest Possible Opportunity
Wed Sep 06 04:52:00 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Need to Suffocate All Life On Earth Beneath a Hellish Shroud of Smoke and Radiation as Soon as Humanly Possible
Wed Sep 06 04:49:46 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Morthagar Dismisses Privacy Activists' Concerns, Pulls Lever Depositing Reporters Into Shark Tank
Wed Sep 06 04:47:28 +0000 2017
Critics: Fatesbook Would Give CEO Morthagar the Butcher, Dark Lord of the Iberian Peninsula, Personal Information of Many Champions of Light
Wed Sep 06 04:38:35 +0000 2017
CEO Morthagar the Butcher: Fatesbook Expected to "Dramatically Improve" Prophecy Fulfillment by 2019
Wed Sep 06 04:36:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It’s the threat of bone rationing that scares me the most.
— @drockney
Wed Sep 06 04:33:55 +0000 2017
New Startup "Fatesbook" Seeks to Link Those Chosen of Destiny with Relevant Prophecies, Followers
Wed Sep 06 04:32:56 +0000 2017
Future of the Free World in Doubt as Russian Bone Magic Grows in Strength https://t.co/Fg6TYfhAYl
Wed Sep 06 04:24:33 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Oregon Fires, Trump Encourages Residents to "Stop, Drop, & Roll"
Wed Sep 06 04:21:44 +0000 2017
Oregon On Fire
Wed Sep 06 04:18:43 +0000 2017
White House: Trump Has Taken On "Man With Spider For Head" as "Spiritual Advisor"
Wed Sep 06 04:02:58 +0000 2017
@joe_no_privacy @ApprovedNews6 Letter to Editor re: LOUSY PEACENIKS
— @oh_chenry
Tue Sep 05 06:31:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 as someone deathly afraid of stairs both static & powered, i, too, am angry about his rhetoric
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Sep 05 06:31:18 +0000 2017
Trump's Speech Before the Mechanized Nobility of the Electric Empire Criticized for "Escalatory Rhetoric"
Tue Sep 05 06:23:56 +0000 2017
"Socialist USA" Blueprint to Be PS3-Exclusive
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Sep 05 06:12:49 +0000 2017
Getting Married? Just Buy Someone Else's Kids
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Sep 04 22:11:41 +0000 2017
Experts: "Oh, Get A Room, You Two"
Mon Sep 04 16:19:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OP-ED: Don't Call Me "Buddy," Pal
— @derwolfanwalt
Mon Sep 04 16:19:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OP-ED: Please, Can't We All Just Get Along?
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Sep 04 16:16:41 +0000 2017
@TBSkyen @ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Take it outside, yous two
— @TallorDaniels
Mon Sep 04 16:14:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Yeah You And What Army, Buddy?
— @TBSkyen
Mon Sep 04 16:13:31 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Bring It On, Buddy
Mon Sep 04 16:11:06 +0000 2017
OPINION:
I'm Gonna Fuck You Up, Pal
Mon Sep 04 16:10:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/IXixI4pUmT
— @shurimon
Mon Sep 04 15:59:36 +0000 2017
Newslords: "Yes" https://t.co/9tzEqCvOK5
Mon Sep 04 05:53:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 pfft, another fluff piece? what, couldn't find another cat that walked 500 miles home after their owners moved?
— @martijaxn
Mon Sep 04 05:52:58 +0000 2017
What Does the Howler in the Chasm Think of the Chittering Accords? Tune in Tomorrow Night at 8/7c to Find Out!
Mon Sep 04 04:49:51 +0000 2017
EXCLUSIVE: We Interview the Great Liar of the Invisible Mountain — Only on Approved News 6
Sun Sep 03 23:13:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Huh... OK, so it looks like #4 is an airtight refutation of Russell's Paradox. I suddenly have a really bad headache.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Sep 03 20:08:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Whispering Presence needs to take a long, hard look at itself in the mirror and do some serious thinking about its life choices
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Sep 03 20:07:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "4)The sanguine call of the Ceaseless Void was deregulated before the 2010 Wraith Crisis. Reintroduction of them was blocked by the Senate."
— @shardsambit
Sun Sep 03 17:49:50 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You Won't Believe #4
Sun Sep 03 17:49:38 +0000 2017
5 Reasons Trump Will be Subsumed by the Whispering Presence
Sun Sep 03 17:27:38 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
https://t.co/1rTCrBsprp
Sat Sep 02 23:58:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 See, and they thought that the elites would have the restraint to not abuse this sort of power when this was enacted. Jokes on all of us now
— @dyslexxicon
Sat Sep 02 21:59:54 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Epson CEO Forcibly Exorcized from Reporter by Emergency Court Order
Sat Sep 02 21:57:42 +0000 2017
"And The Unworthy Shall Perish Astride the Threshold" Act of 1972, Which Bestowed Powers of Possession, Prophecy on CEOs, Blamed in Incident
Sat Sep 02 21:56:16 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Epson CEO Bodily Possesses Reporter, Attempts to Flee FBI Custody
Sat Sep 02 21:49:06 +0000 2017
FBI: In Addition to Civil Action by Zelevar the Deceiver, Epson Executives May Face Criminal Charges of Conspiracy, Unlicensed Bone-Sorcery
Sat Sep 02 21:38:41 +0000 2017
@ikirker @ApprovedNews6 @EugeneIpavec It's in a bit of a grey area, but the Faceless Dancers that inhabit all grey areas are ok with it, and the IRS won't disagree with them.
— @PithyOrNot
Sat Sep 02 21:36:19 +0000 2017
Forensic Sorcerers Warn Epson Mind-Control Ritual Could Have Led to "Catastrophic" Violation of Sherman Antitrust Act
Sat Sep 02 21:35:52 +0000 2017
FBI: Epson "Failed to License" Rights to Publicly Perform Epic Mind-Control Ritual from Arch-Warlock Zelevar the Deceiver
Sat Sep 02 21:33:45 +0000 2017
FBI Halts Epic Mind-Control Ritual by Epson Executives Over Intellectual Property Concerns
Sat Sep 02 21:31:55 +0000 2017
@EugeneIpavec @ApprovedNews6 Okay, but am I allowed to claim the daemon as a dependent for tax purposes?
— @ikirker
Sat Sep 02 21:30:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ... And *really* nice, pointy teeth!
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Sep 02 17:35:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You get a healhy sulphurous glow, increased flexibility, an encyclopedic knowledge of the more embarassing parts of the Bible...
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Sep 02 17:35:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't understand why the FDA insists on classifying daemonic indwelling as an "unwanted side effect." It's a fringe benefit!
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Sep 02 17:35:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/KPSm0MaY0T
— @shurimon
Fri Sep 01 23:22:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 #EroticanCuisine https://t.co/LyTtONglSZ
— @tweetsthecreeps
Fri Sep 01 19:38:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/tBHC2I69rP
— @chas_lovett
Thu Aug 31 20:01:32 +0000 2017
HEALTH: FDA Halts Trials of Mephitidine Due to High Rates of Daemonic Indwelling, Blood-Madness
Thu Aug 31 20:01:07 +0000 2017
Experts: "Who Are You And What Have You Done With the Mayor "
Thu Aug 31 15:02:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Commentary: It Happened, Now Get Over It and Get Back to Work
— @InfernoSilver
Thu Aug 31 15:01:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/pYd8k4avYQ
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Aug 31 06:20:47 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Who Can Say Whether It Did Or Did Not Happen
Thu Aug 31 05:09:34 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It Did Not Happen
Thu Aug 31 05:09:15 +0000 2017
@FXSPeteMurray @zacaj_ @ApprovedNews6 Blog: the 5 reasons why it happened, the last one is unbelieveable!
— @timkrief
Thu Aug 31 05:08:47 +0000 2017
@zacaj_ @ApprovedNews6 Comment Section: Well, Actually
— @FXSPeteMurray
Thu Aug 31 05:08:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Editorial: I Told You That Would Happen
— @FXSPeteMurray
Thu Aug 31 01:56:23 +0000 2017
BREAKING: Seven Reasons Why It Was Always Inevitable https://t.co/PyAYmMj4U3
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Aug 31 01:51:14 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
It Happens
Thu Aug 31 01:42:57 +0000 2017
5 Reasons It'll Never Happen
Thu Aug 31 01:42:39 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, NRA Spokesman Opens Fire
Thu Aug 31 00:19:51 +0000 2017
"Bullets Need to Be Made as Safe As Possible," Say Activists
Thu Aug 31 00:18:36 +0000 2017
Liberal Groups Urge Senate to Ban Use of Lead in Manufacture of Bullets to Protect Gunshot Victims from Neurotoxicity
Thu Aug 31 00:18:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "2. Write your complaint on a Post-It you brought from home, then quietly fold it twice and swallow it whole."
— @TimProbable
Thu Aug 31 00:11:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/s2mtbrgc03
— @shurimon
Wed Aug 30 17:13:20 +0000 2017
READ NOW: Five Fun Ways to Protest Without Risking the Status Quo
Wed Aug 30 09:07:59 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
That's Pretty Reasonable
Wed Aug 30 09:02:41 +0000 2017
OPINION:
I'm Not A Nazi, I Just Want to Eliminate All Untermenschen & Form a White Ethnostate For the Glory of the Aryan Race
Wed Aug 30 08:57:32 +0000 2017
ACLU Hails "Great Victory for Freedom of Expression," And Also Hitler
Wed Aug 30 08:46:21 +0000 2017
Supreme Court Rules 5-4 Dark Spells Devised by Ahnenerbe Sorcerers During Holocaust Protected by First Amendment
Wed Aug 30 08:43:01 +0000 2017
Enormous Cockroach Covered in Hundreds of Swastikas Calls for "Free Speech Rally" in Historically Black Neighborhoods
Wed Aug 30 08:28:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Pics or it didn't happen.
— @ladyjax
Tue Aug 29 21:17:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 [SPONSORED] https://t.co/dmjVqaK2Sd
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Aug 29 21:17:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/18nlfA5vrh
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Aug 29 21:17:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/QLjE3hxpkS
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Aug 29 21:17:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: "Death to the Source," As Office of Public Desecrator Attempts To Locate, Silence Internal Leaks
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Aug 29 09:35:03 +0000 2017
Press Secretary Sanders: "There's a Door, You Know;" "There's a Door and It's About To Open," "It's About to Open Wide"
Tue Aug 29 00:07:42 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: The Real Reason Trump's Secretary of Bullshit Just Won't Stop Yodeling
Sun Aug 27 01:13:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Bo-ring. 💥
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Aug 26 23:42:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the answer is clearly *befriend them*🌵💚
— @shardsambit
Sat Aug 26 23:07:15 +0000 2017
GARDENING: 7 Easy Ways to Get Rid of a Minnesota Scuttling Cactus Infestation Without Dynamite
Sat Aug 26 22:21:34 +0000 2017
"Aeterniter per Gloriam atque Potentiam:" Sister Vindicta Issues Statement on New Alliance, Publicly Beheads Dozens of Traitors
Sat Aug 26 19:18:32 +0000 2017
People's Republic of Missouri Declares Independence from United States, Signs Formal Alliance with Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sat Aug 26 19:01:33 +0000 2017
"Death to the Desecrator," Say Sources
Sat Aug 26 17:57:25 +0000 2017
Experts: "No Mercy"
Sat Aug 26 17:57:10 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic Recalls Clambassador to Fuckoslovakia, Signaling End of Dickplomatic Relations
Sat Aug 26 15:59:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Dimensional Patrol could have nipped this whole thing in the bud if they had just put a spike strip on the Einstein-Rosen bridge.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Aug 26 00:42:54 +0000 2017
Pressed on Consitutionality of Arpaio Pardon, Trump, Advisors Laugh Heartily for Ten Minutes
Sat Aug 26 00:26:38 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Trump Pardons Arpaio
Sat Aug 26 00:25:40 +0000 2017
"In Retrospect, We Probably Shouldn't Have Given Them All Those Tanks:" Attorney-General in Exile Laments "Mistakes" Made in Sting
Fri Aug 25 23:01:31 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Attempt by Police to Entrap Violent Revolutionaries in Missouri Leads to Successful Overthrow of Missouri State Government
Fri Aug 25 23:00:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 castro was 💯 an invention of the CIA
— @jleedev
Fri Aug 25 22:59:03 +0000 2017
High on Barbiturates & Cud, Florida Man Leads Police on Ten-Hour Chase Through Seven-Dimensional Space
Fri Aug 25 22:50:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/6ZYdxG0w9b
— @TopherGrey
Fri Aug 25 22:44:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Who?
— @Alititianized
Fri Aug 25 22:44:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Who?
— @Alititianized
Fri Aug 25 22:44:02 +0000 2017
Citing Fidel Castro as Precedent, Study Posits Clinton "Mass Projection" of "Society's Collective Unconscious"
Fri Aug 25 22:42:41 +0000 2017
Shocking New Study Posits Hillary Rodham Clinton "May Never Have Existed"
Fri Aug 25 22:41:52 +0000 2017
Attn: @ApprovedNews6 is this bone heresy? Are you all on this story? https://t.co/G3nuUc1WTc
— @substitute
Fri Aug 25 19:09:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 WHAT THE HELL BIEBER IS CANADIAN
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Aug 25 17:55:05 +0000 2017
TODAY IN HISTORY, 2046: President Bieber of the Irradiated States of America Rides Swamp Beast Into Battle Against Forces of Soviet Idaho
Thu Aug 24 21:35:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Eff yeah! Those bastards in the manifold have been bogarting all the beneficence long enough! Let's see 'em harrowed the fuck out of there!
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Aug 23 18:52:08 +0000 2017
UN: Trump Violating Convention on Rights of the Fateless
Tue Aug 22 22:05:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is an obvious punitive action for his ridiculous and aggressive lunar policy. He's lucky to not be under the Atrous Curse by now.
— @MonsieurLongIII
Tue Aug 22 16:52:24 +0000 2017
ETERNAL ECLIPSE: Sources Close to President Report Trump "Has Barricaded Himself In Office," "Chanting Spells Against Moon"
Tue Aug 22 16:01:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, NASA Official Lets Out Low Moan, Rises Slowly Into Sky, Eyes Emitting Eerie White Light
Tue Aug 22 16:00:27 +0000 2017
Astronomers Baffled as Vast Swathe of United States Remains Darkened by "Unending Eclipse"
Tue Aug 22 15:59:28 +0000 2017
Why We're Psyched for the Harrowing of the Beneficent Manifold
Tue Aug 22 15:44:18 +0000 2017
Citing Ketamine Abuse, DEA Urges Heart Surgeons to Replace General Anaesthesia with Tylenol, Acupuncture
Tue Aug 22 03:44:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 finally
— @zacaj_
Mon Aug 21 19:40:55 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Moon Halts In Orbit, Plunging Swathes of America Into Eternal Darkness
Mon Aug 21 19:39:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 #4: You Are Weak
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Aug 21 10:56:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Opponents against Box Jellyfish venom argue over being too inefficient in producing the quota for death screams set by the state
— @ShinNovaheart
Sun Aug 20 19:28:16 +0000 2017
"We Want Them To Scream A Little:" Alabama to Begin Using Box Jellyfish Venom in Lethal Injection
Sun Aug 20 00:46:33 +0000 2017
Your Efforts "Laughably Futile," All Reputable Experts Confirm
Sat Aug 19 23:40:42 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You'll Never Win
Sat Aug 19 23:40:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: An obvious web of lies.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Aug 19 21:08:12 +0000 2017
Vermont Dreadlord Seraphina Sturmholz Derides Predecessor as "Populist Panderer," Pronounces Seven Fell Curses Against Blitzenreich
Sat Aug 19 20:13:51 +0000 2017
Seeking to Reclaim the Wailing Throne, Ex-Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich Makes Overtures to Alt-Wight
Sat Aug 19 20:12:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The constitution gives us the right to arms, specifically 8 arms
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sat Aug 19 18:23:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 40-SOMETHING LIVING WITH PARENTS: “Spiders are servants of the omnibenevolent squid illuminati!”
— @MonsieurLongIII
Sat Aug 19 18:05:37 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: In Defense of Arachno-Capitalism
Sat Aug 19 17:49:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 So, you know, just to check, did they mention why? Just...just checking for curiosity's sake.
— @TopherGrey
Sat Aug 19 16:20:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Heaven 2.0 is just a repackaging of the volunteer work of the Free Afterlife Foundation. You can go there right now and skip the marketing.
— @suetanvil
Sat Aug 19 16:20:34 +0000 2017
Casio Issues Voluntary Recall on Thousands of Synthetic Souls
Sat Aug 19 06:53:26 +0000 2017
Will "Heaven 2.0" Fare Better than Microsoft Hell, or Meet the Same Fate? We Ask the Experts
Sat Aug 19 06:52:25 +0000 2017
International Afterlife Consortium Spokesgod: "Heaven 2.0" to Feature "Quick Commute" to Earth, Moon; Free Internet Access
Sat Aug 19 06:48:55 +0000 2017
Dimensional Engineers Warn Open-Source Afterlives May Lead to "Uncontrolled Proliferation," "Strain" on Local Conceptual Space
Sat Aug 19 06:47:10 +0000 2017
14 Creator Deities Form Consortium to Design "Open-Source Replacement" for the Distant Heavens That Once Were
Sat Aug 19 06:46:04 +0000 2017
CAREER: 7 Quick (And Almost Bloodless!) Rituals to Help You Get Ahead in Finance
Sat Aug 19 04:06:44 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
He of the Thousand Luminous Forms Arrested on Immigration Charges
Fri Aug 18 22:56:32 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: View Other Approved Media Productions at https://t.co/H6DvrcEu74
Fri Aug 18 00:19:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/v39hFVRiyb
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Aug 18 00:12:18 +0000 2017
He of the Thousand Luminous Forms Arrives in New York on Book Tour
Thu Aug 17 20:34:18 +0000 2017
EXCLUSIVE: We Interview the Leader of America's Most Powerful Hug Cartel
Thu Aug 17 20:29:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Youth with FREE HUGS sign charged under Interstate Commerce Act.
— @jleedev
Thu Aug 17 19:01:50 +0000 2017
Are Millennials Buying Hugs on the Dark Web?
Thu Aug 17 18:26:52 +0000 2017
@approvednews6 is leaking https://t.co/dyQgFPT7UZ
— @katrus
Thu Aug 17 07:48:46 +0000 2017
4 Reasons We Have Changed Our Identities & Are Fleeing For Our Lives
Tue Aug 15 21:50:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I remember her! Good old Eddie. If it works, tell her to come around, I think I owe her a pint.
— @ratoslov
Tue Aug 15 19:51:41 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Gather at the Spiteful Catacombs to Pray for Resurrection of St. Edna the Impaler
Tue Aug 15 19:35:44 +0000 2017
Lord Malefice the Worm-Hearted, Bastard Son of the Great Connecticut Aberration, Withdraws from Trump's Business Council, Citing "Extremism"
Tue Aug 15 19:29:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Duskmaker: "Ah, Crap, This Guy Again? Jeff, You're Killin' Me Here. I Don't--Can Someone Tell Him I Don't Really Like Him? Jeez. It's--Ugh."
— @flare_director
Tue Aug 15 05:07:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 we, the remaining undead of Alabama, are familiar with The Duskmaster's whims and look to our own ranks, not for prophecy, but for passion.
— @martijaxn
Tue Aug 15 05:07:23 +0000 2017
Pressed on Conflicts of Interest, Sessions Brandishes White-Hot Brand, Eyes Blank & Empty
Tue Aug 15 04:42:42 +0000 2017
Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "I Have Gazed Into the Single Crimson Eye of the Saturnine Legion; I Serve at the Whim of the Duskmaker"
Tue Aug 15 04:41:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Clear violation of the constitutional right of peaceful afterlife assembly. The ACLU should be all over this.
— @Viqsin
Mon Aug 14 20:46:15 +0000 2017
Dozens of Ghosts of Protestors Slain From 1950 to 2017 Detained for Illegally Haunting White House
Mon Aug 14 16:40:06 +0000 2017
Five Fun & Creative Things You Can Do With The Evidence
Mon Aug 14 14:19:02 +0000 2017
New Poet-Laureate Affirms His "Strong Commitment" to Addressing the Reason for Rhyme https://t.co/Ii5SVCiWKg
Mon Aug 14 14:18:21 +0000 2017
Teeth: The Best?
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Aug 14 14:16:31 +0000 2017
Trump's Nominee for Poet-Laureate Vows to Get "Tough on Rhyme"
Mon Aug 14 02:46:56 +0000 2017
Pretty funny the Bureau of Advil, Tylenol, Flonase & Excedrin can't keep even 1 of those off the streets. I blame Trump being soft-on-crime. https://t.co/rIGhGPBJPU
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Aug 14 02:46:17 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Many Teens Now Have Access to Black-Market Advil
Sun Aug 13 23:44:19 +0000 2017
@centrismsucks @martijaxn @ApprovedNews6 BUZZFEED: You Won't Believe What Happened Next
— @simrob
Sun Aug 13 17:09:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EDITORIAL: Oh, My God, Not This Again
— @martijaxn
Sun Aug 13 07:44:37 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Yes There Is
Sun Aug 13 07:15:13 +0000 2017
OPINION:
No There Isn't
Sun Aug 13 07:15:01 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Exult, Brother, in the Coming of the Great Darkness
Sun Aug 13 06:24:34 +0000 2017
OPINION:
This Baneful Aberration Must Be Impeached
Sun Aug 13 06:23:57 +0000 2017
Trump Administration Faces Setbacks to "Project Scowling Lizard"
Fri Aug 11 22:33:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 My blood sample IS my true name
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Aug 11 03:44:05 +0000 2017
"When raised properly, they can be loving family pets, but feral cops pose a significant risk..." https://t.co/QW7SsciZLn
— @orzelc
Thu Aug 10 22:37:32 +0000 2017
they bite fucking hard and are definitely rabid https://t.co/7i9b1JOK7V
— @shardsambit
Thu Aug 10 22:16:46 +0000 2017
Department of State: New Passport Applications To Require Both Birth & Death Certificates, Blood Sample, & Applicant's True Name
Thu Aug 10 20:35:18 +0000 2017
LAW ENFORCEMENT SAFETY COMMISSION: “Citizens (& mutants) should keep their hogs & hog fluids secured & hidden to avoid police infestations.” https://t.co/EC5pPjKEtw
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Aug 10 20:03:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 clarification required... please delineate the differences between "wild" and "domesticated" police...
— @martijaxn
Thu Aug 10 19:04:10 +0000 2017
"An Environmental & Safety Hazard:" Department of Interior Warns Americans Against Feeding Wild Police
Thu Aug 10 18:58:50 +0000 2017
Do. Not. Accept. Fae. Gifts. https://t.co/fhrA9h0676
— @miniver
Wed Aug 09 19:11:52 +0000 2017
"The Fae Folk Have Taken My Firstborn as Interest:" Clients Report Unethical Debt Collection Practices by Fairy Creditors
Wed Aug 09 08:01:41 +0000 2017
More And More Americans Report Receiving Cursed Fairy Credit Cards in Mail
Wed Aug 09 08:00:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Well, then, what is it? Because I've been having a month full of dreams about exotic wood cabinetry and I'd like to get some sleep.
— @ladyjax
Wed Aug 09 00:14:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i was surprised to learn termite demons aren't the only entities compelling me to shriek & build chairs made only from the finest mahogany!
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Aug 09 00:12:26 +0000 2017
What the Bug-Headed Embodiment of Your Deepest Inner Torment Can Teach Us About Carpentry — It's Not What You Think It Is!
Tue Aug 08 23:56:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/iQRtF8twQi
— @President_Ark
Tue Aug 08 13:45:26 +0000 2017
Media Personality, Convicted Bone Heretic Jesse Singal Arrested in Florida for Sexually Harassing Alligators
Tue Aug 08 03:24:53 +0000 2017
Not sure @ApprovedNews6 has an Australian bureau, but a Blood Service sounds like their beat. https://t.co/OJkZwf0caa
— @substitute
Tue Aug 08 00:21:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/xB0sTP8SwC
— @President_Ark
Tue Aug 08 00:01:23 +0000 2017
Bill Before Senate Could Make Crime Mandatory
Mon Aug 07 21:12:58 +0000 2017
Breaking News: https://t.co/7vUfaXvVoX
— @CrapLocalNews
Mon Aug 07 21:12:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: By Snatching Poor Children, Bridge Trolls Eliminate the Burden of Child-Rearing and Create Economic Opportunity
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Aug 07 21:12:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Hey, no one's forcing them to pay those fees in cash! Goats breed fast! #GoatsNotGroats
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 07 21:08:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 When reached for comment bridge troll devoured reporter
— @CHENRYwins
Mon Aug 07 21:08:41 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Bridge Trolls' Flat Fees Function as Regressive Taxation, Unfair to Lower-Income Americans
Mon Aug 07 21:05:39 +0000 2017
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: You Don't Really Need Your Own Teeth When You Can Do So Much More With Someone Else's
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Aug 07 19:25:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/qFNtRKU26P
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Aug 07 18:28:36 +0000 2017
Prosecutors: Defendant's Girlfriend "Allergic to Lasers"
Mon Aug 07 07:44:53 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man Charged With Attempted Murder After Giving Peruvian Laserblossom to Girlfriend as Anniversary Present
Mon Aug 07 07:44:20 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
The Approved News Media Empire Depends on Your Continued Support to Survive — Make Your Pledge Now! https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Aug 06 21:36:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You won’t believe #5!
— @armurray1
Sun Aug 06 21:01:52 +0000 2017
7 Signs The Device Is Now Operational
Sun Aug 06 21:00:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Silence of @ApprovedNews7 is a Sign of the Internal Struggle Within the Department of Obedience
— @chas_lovett
Sun Aug 06 19:43:53 +0000 2017
Newslord 7: "I Have Three Words For Whoever is Operating https://t.co/fCaDju9Zkh — 'Full Disclosure, Bitch'"
Sun Aug 06 18:54:46 +0000 2017
Newslords: "Secret Paragovernmental Agency" Misusing AN6 Servers to Operate "Communications Relay"
Sun Aug 06 18:52:44 +0000 2017
Wandering Mystics of the Sorrowful Crescent Awarded "Nomads of the Year" Medal by People Magazine
Sun Aug 06 06:40:56 +0000 2017
@munin @ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Bar tab charges just went through, say accounting department. 'Lost' with Candi and Bobbi from Tentacles Revue & 23 shots.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Aug 06 02:51:45 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Approved News 6 Desert Correspondent Sam Dunes Lost In Sahara — Again
Sun Aug 06 02:30:25 +0000 2017
this is cumplete balloney. these peeple did something wrong, & this is their pun-ishment. they must do hard time in the penile colon-ies https://t.co/vjoYkkhr9k
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Aug 05 04:38:33 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic Clitizens Sexiled to Sex Isles "Skintitled to Judicktial Review," Say Plaintits' Lawyers
Fri Aug 04 20:27:18 +0000 2017
It's Time to Bleed
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Aug 04 05:00:33 +0000 2017
are millenials killing death?
— @benjaminws
Fri Aug 04 00:54:33 +0000 2017
@spnbmb @ApprovedNews6 I hear it can [REDACTED][REDACTED] if you do a Pro subscription, but there is of course The Cost.
— @substitute
Fri Aug 04 00:21:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @substitute it only comes in black? this is gonna clash with my decor — no thanks
— @spnbmb
Fri Aug 04 00:20:29 +0000 2017
France's President Macron Forced to Apologize to Undead Community After Labeling Trump "Ghastly Revenant" in Leaked Memo
Thu Aug 03 23:47:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/FEbcKLqLib
— @drwdal
Thu Aug 03 20:12:37 +0000 2017
And yet it's still what doctors recommend first. https://t.co/HJkzdJSSTO
— @listelian
Thu Aug 03 19:45:09 +0000 2017
Now We're Cooking With
REDACTED
: Seven Great Recipe Ideas for the Feast of St. Edna the Impaler
Thu Aug 03 17:15:25 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Chronic Tylenol Use May Lead to Earthquakes
Thu Aug 03 07:02:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @substation77 and don't worry, AN6 isn't going anywhere, i bounce back and forth between projects a lot.
— @velartrill
Thu Aug 03 03:31:39 +0000 2017
HI it's the author again i know @approvednews6 has been quiet as hell lately, but my newer project @substation77 is updating pretty often!
— @velartrill
Thu Aug 03 03:31:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 THINKPIECE: I tried to save you! Think of all we could have done together, if only you'd listened!
— @MonsieurLongIII
Thu Aug 03 03:21:15 +0000 2017
"I'll Never Forget You," Say Experts, Wiping Tears from Eyes; "Never, You Hear Me"
Thu Aug 03 02:35:44 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
It Was Always Going To End This Way, My Friend
Thu Aug 03 02:29:37 +0000 2017
OPINION:
No, Damn You, Not Like This
Thu Aug 03 02:29:15 +0000 2017
we're lost until we obey the spiders, in my opinion @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/nQPHzcWZW3
— @8Fourteen
Wed Aug 02 00:42:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/88s83PZtN9
— @shurimon
Tue Aug 01 14:27:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/XE2KRaSRZB
— @zacaj_
Tue Aug 01 02:06:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 These celebrity marriages. He's after the bones; everyone knows the Shimmering Wastes' economy is tanking. The Despoiler needs a prenup
— @alarmallama
Mon Jul 31 09:08:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Huh... You know, now that you mention it, it was a little odd that last week's parking-ticket fine was denominated in live chihuahuas.
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Jul 31 08:44:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 4 Reasons You're Absolutely Fucked
— @DiceAndStories
Mon Jul 31 06:19:23 +0000 2017
4 Reasons We Tried And Failed to Kill An Innocent Man (Who Is Now Hellbent Upon Wreaking A Bloody Vengeance)
Mon Jul 31 06:15:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 PSA: Good citizens only obey Microsoft™ Certified laws and regulations. Look for the holographic sticker!
— @icambron
Mon Jul 31 05:53:07 +0000 2017
Prosecutor: Judges Were Illegally Importing Counterfeit Laws Made in Mexican Sweatshops
Sun Jul 30 23:18:07 +0000 2017
Seven Judges Arrested in Bust of Law-Smuggling Ring
Sun Jul 30 23:17:04 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Donjeta the Despoiler, Bandit-King Accuse Reporters of "Impugning
Their
Manhood" https://t.co/5eCUSXoi8R
Sun Jul 30 22:24:34 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler, Master of the Albanian Bone-Horde, to Wed Bandit-King of the Shimmering Wastes
Sun Jul 30 22:18:34 +0000 2017
California Occupational Governor, Former Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Condemns Trump's "Despicable Lies"
Sun Jul 30 22:18:28 +0000 2017
Trump: Defunct Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals "Never Invaded Hell"
Sun Jul 30 22:13:39 +0000 2017
NRA Outaged After Florida Man Arrested For Carrying Illegally Enchanted Taser
Sun Jul 30 18:32:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counter-Counterpoint: Burnie Bros Need to Stop Dividing the Left
— @FXSPeteMurray
Sun Jul 30 14:18:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Uh-oh. Bad advice. Ambitious organizations neglect team-building exercises at their own peril.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Jul 30 13:54:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Spoiler: it turns out the Malign Glyph was inside you all along
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Jul 30 13:54:08 +0000 2017
Why Learning the Secret Tongue of the Wandering Alpaca Herders Could Be Great For Your Career
Sat Jul 29 18:46:48 +0000 2017
https://t.co/hmhpmgoCHS cc @ApprovedNews6
— @usr_local_share
Sat Jul 29 18:35:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 God, not another "millenials killed this" article. We've killed Gorthak the Unyielding and the shrimp industry, that's it.
— @PithyOrNot
Sat Jul 29 08:59:47 +0000 2017
Paging @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/CqjjqgXUGE
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Jul 29 08:44:16 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Millennials Have Forgotten How to Engrave Names of Enemies Upon the Skulls of Their Forebears
Sat Jul 29 06:25:51 +0000 2017
You'll Never Guess What This Malign Glyph Can Teach Us About Love
Sat Jul 29 06:18:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: THE VOLCANO DEMANDS TRIBUTE!
— @gilmourtaylor
Sat Jul 29 06:10:49 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Doomocratic Skullcialists of America Need To Move Beyond Ritual Human Sacrifice to the Volcano God
Sat Jul 29 01:38:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I went to list mine on eBay and there were already a bunch of listings up
— @FXSPeteMurray
Fri Jul 28 22:19:16 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Are You Receiving Threatening Voicemails in the Ancient Tongue of Lost Babylon? Call Fred Smith, Esq. Today & Learn Your Options!
Fri Jul 28 22:19:03 +0000 2017
Experts Confirm Fingers "Genetic Match" for Khrushchev, "Identical" Except For Angle, Implement Used in Severing
Fri Jul 28 22:11:21 +0000 2017
POLITICS: Thousands of Americans Report Receiving Severed Finger of Former Soviet Leader Nikita Khrushchev in Mail
Fri Jul 28 22:09:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 FASHION: She Who Thirsts wearing stunning kelp and skulls dress, setting fall fashion trend early.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Jul 28 21:17:44 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: She Who Thirsts Beneath the Waves to Ascend the Fractal Summit, Beseech 7th Exalted Presence to Prophesy Fate of the Wandering Oak
Fri Jul 28 20:55:33 +0000 2017
This New Startup is Crowdsourcing the Search for the Lost City of Xalabraddon
Fri Jul 28 20:00:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 (#3 will blow your mind out of your head with a .40 caliber pistol)
— @chas_lovett
Fri Jul 28 17:44:41 +0000 2017
4 Reasons We're Going to Kill An Innocent Man (And There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Us)
Fri Jul 28 17:40:03 +0000 2017
Report: Without Bonds of Military Service, Many Marginalized Communities May Find It Easier to Unite Against Ruling Classes
Wed Jul 26 19:13:02 +0000 2017
Analysts Warn Forcing Undesirables Into Military Servitude "Critical" to "Thinning the Herd" At Home
Wed Jul 26 19:09:26 +0000 2017
Experts: Forcing the Underclasses to Make War on Behalf of the Great & Powerful A "Timeless Western Tradition"
Wed Jul 26 19:05:58 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Minorities Have the Same God-Given Right to Participate in Imperialist Violence Overseas as Any Other American
Wed Jul 26 19:02:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: We Should Introduce the Himalayan Missile Crow to Thin Out Laserbird Flocks
— @icambron
Wed Jul 26 18:41:57 +0000 2017
As Peruvian Laserbirds Migrate North, Forest Fires Become More & More Common
Wed Jul 26 08:41:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Millennials are purchasing 7% less canned beer. This is wrong. They are also purchasing 20% more imported fruit. This is also wrong.
— @mcclure111
Wed Jul 26 04:08:09 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Millennials Are Ruining the Food Industry by Buying Food
Wed Jul 26 04:06:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm so sorry I'm flooding your mentions but https://t.co/Q5maOatc3O
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jul 26 02:03:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/zHwYCiO9YD
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jul 26 00:29:48 +0000 2017
Some Time Last Week: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yEWHHGQM8b
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jul 26 00:26:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/mpluqzrPMQ
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jul 26 00:26:16 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Senator Believed Present at Vote Withers Away, Disappearing From Recorded History
Tue Jul 25 19:30:16 +0000 2017
Nation's Greatest Augurs Fail to Divine Purpose, Significance of Senate Vote
Tue Jul 25 19:29:45 +0000 2017
Bone Oracles Report "Immense Disruption" to "The Very Thread of Fate" in Wake of Mysterious Senate Vote
Tue Jul 25 19:27:46 +0000 2017
"No Idea" What Has Happened, Say D.C. Insiders, as Impenetrable Shroud Falls Over Senate Building
Tue Jul 25 19:25:45 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Senate Has Voted on Something
Tue Jul 25 19:24:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/g55etTlS4F
— @Viqsin
Tue Jul 25 18:48:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ZQjVj7jKyE
— @jameshnotts
Tue Jul 25 17:49:52 +0000 2017
4 Reasons You'll Be Next
Mon Jul 24 19:30:09 +0000 2017
Report: 2014 Stone Hoarding Act May Soon Face Repeal
Mon Jul 24 05:56:26 +0000 2017
7 Signs Your Dreams Have Been Compromised
Mon Jul 24 04:04:32 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Call Now For A Quote On Bespoke Golems — "You Won't Believe It's Not Grandma"
Sun Jul 23 23:08:25 +0000 2017
7 Fun & Educational Family Activities To Do With Interlopers (Because Toddlers Love Tibias)
Sun Jul 23 23:07:26 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Millennials Need to Stop Orbshaming
Sun Jul 23 22:33:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 On a related note, does anyone know where you can get deconsecrated C4 for cheap online?
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Jul 23 08:00:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Eugh. Look, one curséd architectural feature at a time, OK? We're still got our hands full with the Jade Dais *and* the Alabaster Catafalque
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Jul 23 08:00:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Wait, WTF?!? But I own a timeshare there!
— @EugeneIpavec
Sun Jul 23 08:00:32 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
𐆂𐅸 𐅛 𐅄𐅟𐅴𐅌𐅈𐅞𐅳𐅣 𐅇𐅧𐅚𐅻 𐅐𐅰𐅴𐅗𐅵𐅥𐆆 𐅆𐅎 𐆅 𐅅𐅶𐅑𐅤𐅘𐅤𐅎 𐅮 𐅔𐅂𐅿𐅕𐅕𐅄𐅶 𐅱 𐅥 𐅞𐅡𐅯 𐅊 𐅝𐅑𐅿𐅮𐅻 𐆅 𐅉𐆅𐅵𐅄𐅪 𐅶𐅱𐅨𐅡𐅣𐅯 𐅥𐅈𐅘𐅸 𐅋𐅸𐅦 𐅿 𐅖𐅰 𐅑𐅢𐅥 𐅅𐅑𐆂𐅓𐅽𐆂𐅓 𐅍𐅺𐅮𐆅𐆉𐅮𐅈𐅅𐅉 𐆊𐅷𐆆𐆈𐅼𐅨𐅲
Sun Jul 23 05:33:00 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Sapphire Plinth Must Be Destroyed
Sun Jul 23 05:32:16 +0000 2017
Is Your Child One of The Attuned? Find Out Now With This Simple Test!
Sun Jul 23 05:18:50 +0000 2017
CLASSIFIEDS:
DELETED USER 746
is Looking for "FRESH TEETH" in "THE INVISIBLE EMPIRE"
Sun Jul 23 01:53:13 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
We'll Find the Lost City of Xalabraddon Any Day Now, Just You Wait
Sun Jul 23 01:44:10 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Lost City of Xalabraddon Never Existed — It's Only Ever Been Marketing Hype
Sun Jul 23 01:43:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I was in the control group for this study and I'm still holding a rusty hammer and looking for God
— @PithyOrNot
Sun Jul 23 01:12:26 +0000 2017
@audrey533020 @ApprovedNews6 "Not Enough Liquor in the Universe", Say Experts, Muffled By Porcelain
— @chas_lovett
Sun Jul 23 01:12:00 +0000 2017
New Studies Show Mainlining Drain Cleaner May Not Be As Safe As You Think
Sun Jul 23 00:10:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This appears to be backed up by the data from several recent studies shown here: https://t.co/gOxz8IQjrf
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Jul 22 23:14:28 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Experts Open Dozens of Whiskey Bottles in Unison
Sat Jul 22 22:59:24 +0000 2017
"Fuck The World," Say Experts
Sat Jul 22 22:58:57 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT: It Is Only Your Hubris That Leads You To Think So, Fool https://t.co/6DkttFDcwv
— @chas_lovett
Sat Jul 22 22:57:43 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Ha! And You Thought You Were So Clever
Sat Jul 22 22:56:03 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Impossible! This Cannot Be!
Sat Jul 22 22:54:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 [SPONSORED] https://t.co/zPlPzvKqDN
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Jul 22 17:48:04 +0000 2017
HOME & FAMILY: Is Your Teen Listening to Harmful Music? We Show How to Detect Rock & Roll Residue Using Only Common Household Chemicals
Fri Jul 21 00:47:14 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You Will Never Love Again
Thu Jul 20 03:48:35 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You Will Never Love Again
Thu Jul 20 03:48:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/8FfQABrrKz
— @President_Ark
Wed Jul 19 01:37:47 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| Read Today's Very Special Installment of the Approved News 6 "Question Corner," by Ludmila Larionova https://t.co/4u1OugbLGD https://t.co/1f8yoOA4A2
Tue Jul 18 19:47:19 +0000 2017
Leftists Stage D.C. Protest to Demand Re-Enactment of 1944 "Bane Unto All The Dead" Act
Tue Jul 18 19:06:41 +0000 2017
Man's graphic photos a reminder to be careful with lime juice, sunshine https://t.co/nYPjVliMGk
— @fox8news
Tue Jul 18 04:49:41 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Murder Weapon Found in Dumpster Near Scene, Confiscated by Tall Figures in Dark Glasses Who Refused to Identify Selves
Mon Jul 17 22:43:01 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man Beaten to Death With Tactical Nuclear Weapon, Says Coroner
Mon Jul 17 22:36:02 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Trump's Nominee, Former Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Challenges Moroccan Horrorbird to Duel
Mon Jul 17 22:15:24 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Moroccan Horrorbird Accepts Trump's Appointment as Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death, but Faces "Uphill Battle" for Confirmation
Mon Jul 17 22:14:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: *spits bloody tooth, grins*
— @MonsieurLongIII
Mon Jul 17 22:12:39 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Damn You, Why Won't You Just Die
Mon Jul 17 21:43:26 +0000 2017
"Hope & Chains: The Department of Obedience, The Men Without Eyes, and Obama's Greatest Mistake" Panned by Press
Mon Jul 17 20:36:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 well, horrorbirds do seek out sites of great hope to commit their horrors...
— @martijaxn
Mon Jul 17 20:34:33 +0000 2017
"It's Great Work, I Love It, Such a Great Bird:" Expressing Admiration, Trump Offers Escaped Moroccan Horrorbird Cabinet Position
Mon Jul 17 20:22:19 +0000 2017
Moroccan Horrorbird Escapes National Zoo, Pulverizes Lincoln Memorial
Mon Jul 17 20:17:21 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: Paul Ryan's Personal Physician Describes Senator as "Bacteriological Calamity," "Outlawed Under Bioweapon Treaties"
Sun Jul 16 23:34:27 +0000 2017
This Disruptive New Startup Wants to Help Overwhelmed Parents by Converting Troublesome Children into Biodiesel
Sun Jul 16 15:27:44 +0000 2017
"Like I'm Scared of A Slow Loris:" Acting Secretary Moongristle Dismisses Bounty
Sun Jul 16 01:11:02 +0000 2017
California Occupational Governor Kingsley Hellthrash Places $10,000 Bounty on Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Mervin Moongristle
Sun Jul 16 01:09:46 +0000 2017
As Tensions Rise, Swamp-Queen Vladimunda Commits Legions of Alligators and Bog-Beasts to Aid in Defense of the Whispering Woods
Sun Jul 16 01:06:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 and they say kids aren't interested in church anymore...
— @martijaxn
Sun Jul 16 00:54:42 +0000 2017
Why We're Hyped for the Return of She Who Lurks Beneath the Mire
Sun Jul 16 00:53:38 +0000 2017
"You Would Fulfill the Prophecy of the Great Worm and Thereby Doom Us All, You Fools, You Madmen:" Protestors Vow to Picket Museum
Sun Jul 16 00:49:47 +0000 2017
The Effigy of the Sunken Prince to be Displayed at National Museum of the
REDACTED
, Despite Activist Protests
Sun Jul 16 00:46:20 +0000 2017
@ComicsCourtney @ApprovedNews6 How do they keep getting people to do this, does nobody request a Mortality Analysis… https://t.co/vkScgdvelK
— @PithyOrNot
Sun Jul 16 00:26:09 +0000 2017
Spokeswoman Sister Vindicta: "Legiones Nostrum Crescit Semper Atque Numquam Vincentur"
Sun Jul 16 00:25:16 +0000 2017
Occupied Oregon: More & Teens Deserting Their Families to Take Up Vows as Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sun Jul 16 00:17:49 +0000 2017
Ooh boy, I hope they're gonna read the inscription out loud! https://t.co/LKrGs9xtCQ
— @ComicsCourtney
Sun Jul 16 00:14:16 +0000 2017
Should the Legally Subhuman Continue to be Denied Access to Summary Incineration Centers? Discover This Startup's Radical New Idea
Sun Jul 16 00:13:59 +0000 2017
New Research Challenges Stereotypes of Mutants as Drug Dealers & Bringers of Madness
Sun Jul 16 00:09:42 +0000 2017
Can You Have Both A Successful Career And A Family? The Prophecy of the Sundered Continent Says Yes!
Sun Jul 16 00:07:31 +0000 2017
LIFESTYLE: 7 Top Reasons Why He's Leaving You For a Shrieking Shadow Thing
Sun Jul 16 00:05:20 +0000 2017
You'll Never Believe What We're About to Do With This Ancient Bas-Relief Carving of A Forgotten Void God
Sun Jul 16 00:03:08 +0000 2017
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1947: https://t.co/310mvG8Fr8
Sat Jul 15 18:36:34 +0000 2017
"Folks Need To Know Lifelong Suffering Is Not Acceptable:" Pressed on 20-Year Mandatory Minimums for Chronic Pain Patients, Dems Double Down
Sat Jul 15 05:17:47 +0000 2017
Citing "Opioid Epidemic," Senators Agree on Need to "Get Tough on Pain"
Sat Jul 15 05:11:25 +0000 2017
Dems' Amendment to Republican Healthcare Bill Seeks to Classify Chronic Pain as Federal Crime
Sat Jul 15 05:10:23 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Nice Try, Officer
Fri Jul 14 19:33:47 +0000 2017
"Stop Right There, Miscreant," Say Experts
Fri Jul 14 19:26:15 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Not So Fast, Scoundrel
Fri Jul 14 19:14:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Traditional Augury has its head up its ass. They're still stuck in the Bronze Age! Only Progressive… https://t.co/N1o96NBIE7
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Jul 14 02:31:54 +0000 2017
Elementary School Field Trip to the Chicago Orb Ends in
REDACTED
Fri Jul 14 00:31:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Bx31jWorVe
— @timserpas
Thu Jul 13 22:20:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 They can say what they want but it's MY RIGHT as an AMERICAN to experiment on myself with lost alie… https://t.co/uY00Skny2W
— @Timecrash
Thu Jul 13 22:04:00 +0000 2017
He's back! https://t.co/SFRyxxGb4B
— @umacf24
Thu Jul 13 22:03:50 +0000 2017
cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/1KCIxdYlKZ
— @rhcm123
Thu Jul 13 22:03:03 +0000 2017
REDACTED
Spokes[REDACTED] Refuses to Comment on Rumors "Asset 291-Golf" Has "Turned Hostile"
Thu Jul 13 20:20:28 +0000 2017
"He's Building A Nest Or Something," "Do Slow Lorises Even Build Nests?" California Occupational Gov. Kingsley Hellthrash Spotted in D.C.
Thu Jul 13 20:02:36 +0000 2017
@flare_director @ApprovedNews6 Space Cops issue "stern warning," warn Space Criminals "We will be very disappointed in you"
— @Chirurgic
Thu Jul 13 19:10:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: "Everything is Legal in Space," Declares Space Monarch Galactica Bloodmouth XXVI; "Who Wou… https://t.co/3ALQKDkkuQ
— @flare_director
Thu Jul 13 18:41:47 +0000 2017
(yes, it's set in the Approved Newsiverse)
— @velartrill
Thu Jul 13 17:29:55 +0000 2017
last call for those who missed it: I've got a new microfiction account up at @substation77
— @velartrill
Thu Jul 13 17:29:54 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The War on Space Crime Has Been A Failure — It's Time for Legalization
Thu Jul 13 16:40:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is just another effort by Big Necromancy to regulate alternative magic to death
— @FXSPeteMurray
Thu Jul 13 16:39:44 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, California Occupational Governor Kingsley Hellthrash Hides in Leg of Reporter's Pants
Thu Jul 13 16:39:38 +0000 2017
Unions Protest California's New Licensing Regulations for Veterinary Thaumaturgy, Xenoengineering, & Traditional Augury
Thu Jul 13 16:36:00 +0000 2017
Conway brings visual aids to Hannity to explain Trump-Russia probe https://t.co/DF9OLFqY58 https://t.co/FF4ZeIqyNX
— @thehill
Thu Jul 13 14:21:06 +0000 2017
…REGIONAL COMMAND, BE ADVISED CHAIRWOMAN HAS TAKEN SPECIAL INTEREST IN LIQUIDATION OF ASSET 291-GOLF…OPERATIONAL STATUS FALCON NOW APPLIES …
— @substation77
Wed Jul 12 22:07:36 +0000 2017
A framed version of the mystical orb photo is now being displayed in the West Wing. https://t.co/W6VSSAoMvN
— @hunterw
Wed Jul 12 21:36:33 +0000 2017
this is the best political scandal of the week https://t.co/kthBNoQ3DN https://t.co/qQqoWG4c8X
— @matt_levine
Wed Jul 12 19:43:34 +0000 2017
…DVISED OBJECT NEHEMOTH-99 HAS BEEN FULLY SECURED AND IS EN ROUTE TO FACILITY 47. REPEAT, OBJECT NEHEMOTH-99 HAS BEEN FULLY…
— @substation77
Wed Jul 12 19:12:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 LIFESTYLE: Seven Unpronounceable Syllables Every Man Wants to Hear
— @MonsieurLongIII
Wed Jul 12 03:38:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I *thought* my e-Ballot was unusually saucy last year...
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Jul 11 22:12:39 +0000 2017
Attn: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/QFRi8wgNPo
— @FXSPeteMurray
Tue Jul 11 19:39:49 +0000 2017
Using salt circle runes to trap an A.I. car is possibly the most cyberpunk thing ever. https://t.co/4ckbQlMyBS
— @Gossenphilosoph
Tue Jul 11 18:06:10 +0000 2017
Meet the Bipartisan Coalition That Wants to Ban Fun
Tue Jul 11 17:16:05 +0000 2017
"You May Not Know It," Say Scientists, "But You Have Been Preparing For This Moment Your Entire Lives"
Tue Jul 11 03:14:05 +0000 2017
Officials Urge Citizens to "Harden Your Hearts & Steel Your Will;" "Only Through Courage & Strength Will You Prevail"
Tue Jul 11 03:11:49 +0000 2017
"Do Not Think You Will Not Be Tested," Say Sources: "You Will Be, Oh Yes; You Will Be"
Tue Jul 11 03:09:56 +0000 2017
Experts: "The World Will Be Forever Changed In The Days To Come"
Tue Jul 11 03:09:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @velartrill , My wife requests that you publish an English-Erotican glossary. Dicktionary, I guess.
— @SomethingAsmora
Tue Jul 11 01:49:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/bs0pNr7iSe
— @zacaj_
Tue Jul 11 01:03:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Fake nudes! Clitizens Poonited breastablished that cumpanies can partitsipate in erection cumpaigns.… https://t.co/wijsHZtJIS
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Jul 10 22:58:38 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Reveals 4 Cumpanies Sackused of Skinterfering in 2016 American Genital Erection
Mon Jul 10 21:10:38 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Endorse New Bill Criminalizing Failure to Floss, Advocate for Mandatory Death Penalty
Mon Jul 10 20:03:12 +0000 2017
South Florida to Add Mandatory "Methematics" Courses At All Secondary Schools
Mon Jul 10 19:32:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i appreciate your ongoing support greatly and i hope i'll be able to get back to writing AN6 soon. i… https://t.co/WCRLoK2KmC
— @velartrill
Mon Jul 10 05:54:04 +0000 2017
apologies to my patrons that @ApprovedNews6 hasn't been updating much lately. dealing with a lot of mental health problems right now.
— @velartrill
Mon Jul 10 05:52:50 +0000 2017
You gotta admit—among the lack of substance of the Trump presidency, it's a relief to still have someone like Ryan… https://t.co/eLJf2owLOB
— @mcclure111
Sun Jul 09 02:57:25 +0000 2017
Press Praise Paul Ryan for Honesty Over TrumpCare Effects. https://t.co/C39jCXEoik
— @MegatronusRex
Sun Jul 09 02:57:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/n4JW4tzv9E
— @tweetsthecreeps
Sun Jul 09 02:56:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 GOP hails "open carry" law for shovels. "Thankfully, we live in a country where carrying a shovel fo… https://t.co/caTqhn451i
— @martijaxn
Sun Jul 09 02:56:31 +0000 2017
LIFESTYLE: Improve Your Spouse With These 7 Simple "Wifehacks"
Sun Jul 09 02:40:59 +0000 2017
Strange, Viscous Substance Oozing From Every Pore, Paul Ryan Calls Press Conference, Beats Naked, Screaming Man to Death With Shovel
Sun Jul 09 01:25:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 [SPONSORED] https://t.co/CaAnweWJFc
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Jul 08 22:25:48 +0000 2017
Sect of the Crimson Beetle's Scuttling Lord Simon Cites Sinn Fein's "Regressive" Social Policies As Reason Talks Failed
Sat Jul 08 20:36:29 +0000 2017
Sect of the Crimson Beetle Pulls Out of Talks With Sinn Fein to Establish Government in Increasingly Anarchic United Kingdom
Sat Jul 08 20:34:31 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: What Millennials Get Wrong About the Gibbering Totem & the Valley of Living Shadows
Sat Jul 08 16:32:20 +0000 2017
No smoking, littering, alcohol, rollerskating, skateboarding, scooters, BAYING UNHOLY PRAYERS AT THE BLOOD MOON, https://t.co/9f9IWxFlRp
— @vandroidhelsing
Fri Jul 07 20:08:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Look, the poor guy just needed a social media detox!
— @Ahab_Of_Gilead
Thu Jul 06 20:14:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Leaked Vatican internal memo: Have you tried turning Him off and then on again?
— @icambron
Thu Jul 06 19:55:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Vatican Lays Out Plans to Ask Nephew of Ranking Cardinal to Take a Look at God the Next Time he Visi… https://t.co/P3zhH325rx
— @FXSPeteMurray
Thu Jul 06 19:34:57 +0000 2017
Vatican Silent as God Remains Offline Weeks Longer Than Planned
Thu Jul 06 19:22:31 +0000 2017
Expeditionary Force Recruits Applied Theologians for Assault on Heaven https://t.co/EKe5cvyJNn
— @tomscud
Thu Jul 06 18:35:18 +0000 2017
The Faceless Adjutant, The Crimson Eviscerator, & The Ghoul That Killed Your Father Want You To Know They Support #Pride2017
Thu Jul 06 17:58:39 +0000 2017
Antidepressants Anonymous Issues Statement in Support of Prescribing Limits, Harsher Penalties
Thu Jul 06 17:36:25 +0000 2017
Is It Time to Ban Antidepressants, Which Can Be As Addictive as Heroin? The Evidence Suggests It May Be
Thu Jul 06 17:31:13 +0000 2017
Leading Scientists Report Nearly Half of Antidepressant Prescriptions Issued Improperly, "Of No Therapeutic Benefit"
Thu Jul 06 17:29:15 +0000 2017
"It's Shocking:" Researchers Report Children As Young As 15 "Can Just Walk In & Get An Antidepressant Prescription," "There's No Oversight"
Thu Jul 06 17:24:37 +0000 2017
Antidepressant Addicts "Bankrolling White-Collar Crime," Say Experts
Thu Jul 06 17:18:57 +0000 2017
Analysts: More than Half of Americans "Cripplingly Addicted" to Pharmaceutical Antidepressants, As Tens of Thousands Die of Suicide
Thu Jul 06 17:16:54 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Need to Get Serious About the Antidepressant Crisis
Thu Jul 06 17:13:51 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Kids, Are Your Parents Shoplifting to Support Their Caffeine Addiction? Know the Warning Signs - Call Now For Help
Thu Jul 06 17:05:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/2ghJN93dKw
— @benryan2012
Thu Jul 06 02:29:51 +0000 2017
Alleged Thief Arrested After 30 Years of Atheism
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Jul 06 00:18:51 +0000 2017
i think the question we're all asking is: *why* was Hobby Lobby stockpiling cuneiform? cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/zk58MKBv6m
— @invtym
Wed Jul 05 23:10:02 +0000 2017
Coffin with child's organs, but no body, found on Philadelphia sidewalk https://t.co/OA4P3s3m8f
— @fox8news
Wed Jul 05 23:09:56 +0000 2017
Alt-Wight Leaders March on D.C. to Demand Liquidation of Matter-Based Life Forms
Wed Jul 05 23:02:28 +0000 2017
Leader of Donald Trump’s "voter fraud" investigation is now being investigated for election fraud https://t.co/8HDdWkCW2m
— @PalmerReport
Wed Jul 05 21:03:36 +0000 2017
Citing "Increasing Likelihood" of "Ontological Cascade Sequence 7", US Armed Forces Step Up Recruitment of "The Attuned"
Wed Jul 05 19:12:12 +0000 2017
@GeorgeWHerbert @ApprovedNews6 I'll give my kids a 15MT warhead for their birthdays if I goddamned want to, and you hippies can't stop me
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed Jul 05 01:51:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That's a typo. The studies are nuclear.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Wed Jul 05 01:51:20 +0000 2017
@GeorgeWHerbert @ApprovedNews6 Well, if it's a heirloom, that's different of course.
— @DerekL1963
Wed Jul 05 01:51:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ...sale but not possession of existing , or intra-family transfer?
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Wed Jul 05 01:51:02 +0000 2017
Studies "Unclear" Regarding Impact of Nuclear Weapon Use, Ownership on Minors, Analysts Say
Wed Jul 05 00:26:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 *raze
— @TallorDaniels
Wed Jul 05 00:25:21 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Government Has No Business Telling Me How to Raise My Child
Wed Jul 05 00:24:48 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time We Banned the Sale of Nuclear Weapons to Underage Children
Wed Jul 05 00:24:07 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE | The First Installment of Our New Series, the Approved News 6 Question Corner https://t.co/v92HrdbXPr https://t.co/CwP77tjtJg
— @ApprovedNews6
Tue Jul 04 20:26:55 +0000 2017
Bone Oracles Report Americans Can Expect "Relatively Mild" Fourth of July, as Explosion Spirits "Very Pleased" by Trump's War in Syria
Tue Jul 04 20:26:27 +0000 2017
FOURTH OF JULY: Americans Nationwide Begin Moving to Designated Public Shelters, Making Offerings to Appease Explosion Spirits
Tue Jul 04 19:36:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oh me God, please tell me there's a vaccine!
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Jul 04 19:35:56 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Nearly 1 in 10 Americans at Risk for Apotheosis
Tue Jul 04 18:53:53 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| The First Installment of Our New Series, the Approved News 6 Question Corner https://t.co/v92HrdbXPr https://t.co/CwP77tjtJg
Mon Jul 03 07:22:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Dear Gideon, I too am afflicted with a bothersome relative. Can you recommend a local bog? Wheelchai… https://t.co/ax7fOHKUWl
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Jul 03 06:20:21 +0000 2017
Millennials Have "Disturbingly Nonconformist" Attitudes To It, Say Analysts
Sun Jul 02 23:27:38 +0000 2017
"Dangerous & Untrue:" Suggestion It Might Not Be So Bad After All Meets With Fierce Opposition From Community
Sun Jul 02 23:26:51 +0000 2017
New Research Shows It Might Not Be So Bad After All
Sun Jul 02 23:23:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 anyone saying It Isn't bad clearly is ignoring key information
— @Divad_42
Sun Jul 02 23:21:00 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Actually, It Is Good
Sun Jul 02 23:17:33 +0000 2017
New Poll Shows "Vast Majority" of Americans Believe It Is Bad
Sun Jul 02 23:16:30 +0000 2017
Americans for Traditional Torments Urges Senate to Reinstate Drawing & Quartering as Penalty for Simony, Oathbreaking
Sun Jul 02 22:47:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 but chlorine is so much cheaper to make at home!
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sun Jul 02 22:42:37 +0000 2017
High on Homemade Mustard Gas, Florida Man Proclaims Self King of the Fairies
Sun Jul 02 22:39:28 +0000 2017
ugh, Sam Harris
— @arguetron
Sun Jul 02 22:35:13 +0000 2017
Angela Merkel Vows to Release New Song
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jul 02 20:12:04 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic Pulls Out of Sextradition Treaty With United States, Citing American Use of Death Poonalty
Sun Jul 02 18:48:02 +0000 2017
Do Not Attempt to Resist: Read This Week's Sunday Paper for Our Exciting New Advice Column
Sun Jul 02 09:15:44 +0000 2017
What to Do When A Mysterious, Handsome Man Leaves Your Estranged Father to Die in the Bog: Gideon Mandrake Answers Reader Questions
Sun Jul 02 09:12:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/s339HiBEkL
— @GabrielBerlin
Sun Jul 02 08:25:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 China Creates Ministry Of Occult Artifacts; Will Dredge South China Sea Floor For Lost Relics.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sun Jul 02 08:25:07 +0000 2017
"We've Got Amulets," "The World's Most Powerful Amulets:" Trump Dismisses Concerns over Renewed Aggression by North Korea
Sun Jul 02 02:42:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ZlSMrZSg8K
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Jul 02 02:39:08 +0000 2017
Currently passing over Eugene, can see giant, nearly-transparent, non-euclidean @ApprovedNews6 broadcast tower
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sat Jul 01 18:05:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 They were warned that round avis were a step upon the very edge of the abyss. There are some things… https://t.co/dGVqsEc66w
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Jun 30 23:04:06 +0000 2017
Senate Votes to Break Your Legs
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jun 30 20:24:05 +0000 2017
@cveidson @ApprovedNews6 It's almost enough to make you want to move to California. I hear Governor Kingsley Hellth… https://t.co/O8qZehKyqO
— @chas_lovett
Fri Jun 30 19:10:31 +0000 2017
@wifi_failure @ApprovedNews6 the disease came from the users. the disease came for the users. we are all unclean. we are all damned.
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Jun 30 19:07:19 +0000 2017
Hmph. This kind of cowardly incompetence is why *I* will continue making ritual voting obeisances to former Secreta… https://t.co/fRWicoMbIh
— @cveidson
Fri Jun 30 19:00:53 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
"Millions" of Flies Issue Forth From Mouth of Jack Dorsey's Spasming Corpse
Fri Jun 30 18:42:20 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Mervin Moongristle Hides Under Desk
Fri Jun 30 17:56:23 +0000 2017
Analysts: If Confirmed, Twitter Contamination "First Known Outbreak" Since Abolition of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Fri Jun 30 17:55:58 +0000 2017
"MECUM OMNES PLANGITE:" Twitter CEO Dorsey Tears Out Own Eyes, Uses Blood From Sockets to Paint Swastika on CNN Anchor's Face
Fri Jun 30 17:41:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/KUIsPfydHF
— @jleedev
Fri Jun 30 17:38:14 +0000 2017
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey Appears on CNN to Dispute Rumors of Contamination, Spontaneously Manifests Stigmata
Fri Jun 30 17:36:56 +0000 2017
What Does the Contamination of Twitter Mean for the Faceless Adjutant & the Council of Whispers? We Ask the Experts
Fri Jun 30 17:35:09 +0000 2017
Stocks: $TWTR Plummets in Wake of Contamination Rumors
Fri Jun 30 17:33:17 +0000 2017
Grainy Photos of Twitter Data Center Reputedly Show "Masses of Diseased Flesh," Whispering Darkness Seeping From Servers
Fri Jun 30 17:32:16 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Inside Source Warns Twitter, Inc. May Be Contaminated
Fri Jun 30 17:30:09 +0000 2017
Hitler Had a Bad Idea
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jun 30 04:11:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Surgeon General is clearly infected.
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Jun 30 03:09:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm pretty sure that ""Oh God, Oh God" is a preexisting condition.
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Jun 30 02:20:03 +0000 2017
GOP: Dept. of Ceaseless Torment Necessary to Perform "More Esoteric" Functions of Defunct Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Thu Jun 29 21:23:28 +0000 2017
Dems: "Department of Ceaseless Torment" "Needlessly Redundant" With Existing Department of Pain
Thu Jun 29 21:22:11 +0000 2017
GOP Healthcare Bill Would Create Federal-Level Department of Ceaseless Torment: Report
Thu Jun 29 21:21:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/N9srCNh4IP
— @atonal440
Thu Jun 29 17:49:43 +0000 2017
Four Congressmen Found Dead; Cause of Death Determined to be "Oh No," "Oh God, Oh God," "No, No, No, No," "Please, Anything but That"
Thu Jun 29 17:29:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/zOHhXAJkrF
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Jun 29 08:28:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I knew something was wrong when he started in with "Well, actually..."
— @Loganchance
Thu Jun 29 00:30:02 +0000 2017
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) Accidentally Filibusters Bill to Legalize Mansplaining
Thu Jun 29 00:28:43 +0000 2017
"Thousands Are Dying Every Year of Preventable Optimism:" Surgeon General Calls for Immediate Action on Hope Crisis
Wed Jun 28 21:26:55 +0000 2017
A kangaroo dressed in leopard-print has been found shot dead on an Australian roadside, tied to a chair https://t.co/zCOW6po6cu
— @AFP
Wed Jun 28 01:52:59 +0000 2017
Millennials Have Resurrected Baal, the False God, Here's What It Means for your Morning Commute
— @justabloodygame
Tue Jun 27 19:14:49 +0000 2017
Good community outreach @ApprovedNews6, congrats https://t.co/DRqIibaSKN
— @maclebass
Tue Jun 27 17:14:31 +0000 2017
TODAY IN HISTORY: https://t.co/ljz2dOHU8G
Mon Jun 26 21:36:25 +0000 2017
TODAY IN HISTORY: https://t.co/ci0y59ZwrI
Mon Jun 26 21:28:13 +0000 2017
reminder that you too can help the author of @approvednews6 afford rent AND not starve to death! https://t.co/zbBXnbs9RY
— @velartrill
Mon Jun 26 19:59:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You orbs think just because you can mind control your opponents you can do aaanyth-HAIL THE ORB HAIL THE ORB HAIL TH
— @MonsieurLongIII
Mon Jun 26 19:36:27 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
HAIL THE ORB
Mon Jun 26 19:03:24 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Chicago Orb is Destroying Our Families and Poisoning Our Children
Mon Jun 26 19:02:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @NorWesternCrow ugh Ultimate Murder Spree LXIX was better (though why it came after Murder Spree 14… https://t.co/SX2sIOnrRh
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Jun 26 17:38:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "How am I supposed to explain to my child why that man has a man-bun?" one parent exclaimed.
— @martijaxn
Mon Jun 26 01:37:13 +0000 2017
Lord Bloodwrench Hellstrangle's Ultimate Murder Spree XIII Pulled from PBS Over Concerns Brief Homosexual Kiss "Unsuitable for Children"
Mon Jun 26 01:30:14 +0000 2017
Trump Vows to Repeat the Great Mistake
Mon Jun 26 01:29:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Quick Take: What do do when *your* child calls out "Mommy, I caught the flying crystal snake again!"
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Jun 25 23:26:21 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT: Better Teach the Codex Early Than Wait Until it's Too Late https://t.co/G8hbfE6VHX
— @usr_local_share
Sun Jun 25 20:40:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: The Crystal Codex Underpins the Existence of All Children
— @MonsieurLongIII
Sun Jun 25 20:40:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Children Are Suitable For The Crystal Codex Of The Wandering Serpent
— @Chirurgic
Sun Jun 25 20:40:22 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Crystal Codex of the Wandering Serpent is Not Suitable for Children
Sun Jun 25 20:05:18 +0000 2017
Analysts: "Yikes, Man"
Sat Jun 24 18:15:29 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Fucking Hell, You Weren't Shitting Me
Sat Jun 24 18:13:33 +0000 2017
OPINION:
You Have Got To Be Shitting Me
Sat Jun 24 18:11:28 +0000 2017
Speaking On Condition of Anonymity, Sources Report "No Fucking Way"
Sat Jun 24 18:11:02 +0000 2017
Inside Sources: "What"
Sat Jun 24 18:09:59 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
"It Was Nothing," "Nothing At All," Reports Terrified Superviser as Sky Darkens; Blocks Near Area Evacuated https://t.co/TRzlq7tBrx
Sat Jun 24 17:53:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Simultaneous impeachment resolutions had been thrust vigorously into both the frontal and anal House… https://t.co/iRUBlcJEFM
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Jun 24 07:58:43 +0000 2017
I KNEW IT WOULD almost END THIS WAY! https://t.co/yUTR9niEiR
— @medicmsh3141
Sat Jun 24 01:51:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Was he attempting to “crack open” the secrets of cold one fusion? Thank the nonexistent fairy queen… https://t.co/a6IULIMQ42
— @MonsieurLongIII
Sat Jun 24 01:28:51 +0000 2017
Florida face-eating teen says he just wants "to be a normal kid again" https://t.co/nQkTcd6XLe https://t.co/oldcpL4rCq
— @NYDailyNews
Sat Jun 24 01:18:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 When asked for comment, local nihilist responds,"Why? There's no point."
— @martijaxn
Sat Jun 24 01:13:56 +0000 2017
High on Crystal Methadone, Florida Man Attempts to Open Beer Bottle, Nearly Destroys Us All
Sat Jun 24 01:06:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I am disgusted by this jejune display of groundless optimism
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Jun 24 01:04:41 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Not Like It Really Matters Anymore
Sat Jun 24 00:58:09 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Had A Good Run, Everybody
Sat Jun 24 00:57:55 +0000 2017
"I Guess That's That, Then," Scientists Report
Sat Jun 24 00:56:44 +0000 2017
"Didn't See That One Coming," Say Sources
Sat Jun 24 00:52:30 +0000 2017
Experts: "Well, Shit"
Sat Jun 24 00:52:04 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE | GUEST EDITORIAL: All Right, Calm Down, Both of You, by Patricia Pearson https://t.co/WeZt5zhpAj https://t.co/yMwOi0LRnp
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jun 23 23:00:11 +0000 2017
Healthcare Bill: "Flesh Purity" Measure to Prohibit Mutants From Accessing Public Hospitals Finds Wide Bipartisan Support
Fri Jun 23 22:53:52 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| GUEST EDITORIAL: All Right, Calm Down, Both of You, by Patricia Pearson https://t.co/WeZt5zhpAj https://t.co/yMwOi0LRnp
Fri Jun 23 21:21:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I hope he thinks long and hard on his actions. The people need a rigid leader who is stiff on policy.
— @NormalNico
Fri Jun 23 19:15:22 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE | OPINION: We Meet At Last, by Clarice Bianchi https://t.co/afWccDsu7t
— @ApprovedNews6
Fri Jun 23 18:58:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Their schlong nationanal nightmare is over.
— @jjm6501
Fri Jun 23 18:58:14 +0000 2017
In Wake of Scandal, President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Suck-cums to Punlitical Pleasure, Steps Down
Fri Jun 23 17:51:21 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Investigaytion Reveals President-Erect Falsely Claimed to Hold Cocktorate in Poclitical Science From Prestigious Pooniversity
Fri Jun 23 17:49:36 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Calls for "Happy Ending" to Cockupation of Virgin Islands
Fri Jun 23 17:46:52 +0000 2017
Sen. XL333012 Slammed by Colleagues for "Unconstitutional" Meeting With "Illegitimate, Unrecognized" Foreign Power
Fri Jun 23 07:24:09 +0000 2017
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Activates Intercontinental Flight Mode to Hold Talks With Florence's New Robotic Masters
Fri Jun 23 07:23:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Quick take: Reporter was Lucky.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Jun 23 07:21:59 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Semiautonomous Control Platform 9912 Activates Reporter's Shock Collar
Fri Jun 23 07:20:34 +0000 2017
Vatican Affirms Intervention by St. Terrorbot of Cluster 76 to Grant Victory in Florentine Robot Uprising
Fri Jun 23 07:17:50 +0000 2017
Analysts: Carefully-Orchestrated Attack by Unarmed Gunman Demonstrates Illuminati in Possession of "Sophisticated" Ontological Weapons
Fri Jun 23 06:59:18 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Attack by Unarmed Gunman, Trump Bites Head Off Ken Doll
Fri Jun 23 06:55:38 +0000 2017
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor: Unarmed Gunman's Attack "A Warning" to Trump Administration
Fri Jun 23 06:51:24 +0000 2017
Illuminati Claims Credit for Unarmed Gunman's White House Carnage Through Messages Encoded in Bird Migration Patterns
Fri Jun 23 06:50:50 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Unarmed Gunman's Dog Determined to be Live North American Grizzly After Reassembly, Mauls White House Security
Fri Jun 23 06:49:33 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Unarmed Gunman Escapes Secret Servcie Custody; Dozens Found Dead
Fri Jun 23 06:47:50 +0000 2017
Unarmed Gunman's Dog to Be Reassembled, Shipped to Quantico for Further Analysis, Say Sources
Fri Jun 23 06:46:36 +0000 2017
"A Close Call:" Secret Service Reports "No Trace" of Explosives Found After Gunman's Dog "Carefully Disassembled"
Fri Jun 23 06:44:51 +0000 2017
"We Were Terrified For Our Safety:" Unarmed Gunman Arrested After Walking Dog Past White House
Fri Jun 23 06:42:03 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Find In-Depth, Approved Reporting on Our Website — Ceritified Uncontaminated Since 20██ https://t.co/R7DYxlmd90
Fri Jun 23 06:35:25 +0000 2017
can't even sneak an army across the border anymore without getting a full-cavity search. the nation's gone complete… https://t.co/vSnh9DKfzu
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Jun 23 06:31:52 +0000 2017
very sick of these Albanian bone merchants and their tyranny https://t.co/wrWBJBWGug
— @Horse_Crimes
Fri Jun 23 06:31:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Horde of Bone Warriors Protest At AK Courthouse, Demand Justice, Immolation of Corporeal Citizenry… https://t.co/GwZPL9maiO
— @icambron
Fri Jun 23 06:31:27 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
|
OPINION:
We Meet At Last, by Clarice Bianchi https://t.co/afWccDsu7t
Fri Jun 23 06:19:40 +0000 2017
Report: Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Reportedly Entered US Seeking to Purchase Legal Marijuana, Lay Waste to Anchorage
Fri Jun 23 05:35:41 +0000 2017
Lawyers for Albanian Bone-Horde Condemn Immigration Authorities to Linger On in Tears & Madness Through Ancient Bone-Curse
Fri Jun 23 05:32:32 +0000 2017
Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Arrested After Attempting to Enter Alaska With Copy of Codex Salamandrium, Armed Horde of Warriors
Fri Jun 23 05:28:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I can always trust them for their sharp, brutal, to-the-point opinions.
— @Timecrash
Thu Jun 22 19:19:43 +0000 2017
Ruins of Cleveland Hermetically Sealed After Rumored Outbreak of Contamination
Thu Jun 22 17:31:01 +0000 2017
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, Pressed for Comment, Reports "Widespread Use" of Terror… https://t.co/J4kV57ZVdK
Thu Jun 22 17:29:15 +0000 2017
Trump, Hovering Upside Down on CNN, Denies Existence of Nebraska Terror Serum
Thu Jun 22 17:26:18 +0000 2017
TODAY IN HISTORY, 19██: Schism Between True Illuminati, Illuminati Veritatis Resolved Through Movie Night, Game of Parcheesi
Wed Jun 21 19:42:23 +0000 2017
High on Counterfeit Viagra, Florida Man Discovers Hypersex
Wed Jun 21 07:36:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EVERYDAY HEROS: https://t.co/fbeRBPfZc1
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jun 21 07:29:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 They can't let Obama have one shred of legacy.
— @gilmourtaylor
Wed Jun 21 00:19:12 +0000 2017
Senate Votes to Outlaw Hope
Wed Jun 21 00:16:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 My least favorite cabinet member. Lacks personality. I miss former Attorney General Framed 1896 Lith… https://t.co/wwY7bxa7Ea
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Jun 20 23:22:46 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Teens as Young as Seven "Getting High on Advil"
Tue Jun 20 20:40:35 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen, Who Does Not Exist, Expresses "Full Support" of Wise Witch, Places Dancing Hex on Seven Reporters
Tue Jun 20 01:32:01 +0000 2017
"The Whispering Woods Are A Land Most Fae & Eerie:" FBI "Not Optimistic" About Recapturing Wise Witch
Tue Jun 20 01:30:33 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Unknown Orb on White House Lawn
REDACTED
All Reporters Present
Tue Jun 20 01:29:09 +0000 2017
Enormous Sentient Swastika, Trump's Attorney General, Vows Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Will Be "Duly Apprended," "Punished"
Tue Jun 20 01:28:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 International Leaders Call For Treaty Banning the Use of Kindness
— @icambron
Tue Jun 20 01:24:26 +0000 2017
Trump Spotted Sitting Cross-Legged on White House Lawn, Yelling at Orb
Tue Jun 20 01:20:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Killing with kindness is the worst way to go. I'm against it.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Tue Jun 20 01:17:58 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Escapes Custody During Consternation, Uproar Following Seven Secret Truths She Revealed
Tue Jun 20 01:16:52 +0000 2017
"How Many Have You Killed?" Arraigned on Charges of Tricky Witchcraft, Wise Witch of Whispering Woods Issues Series of Dread Proclamations
Tue Jun 20 01:15:45 +0000 2017
Sources: Airstrikes to Begin "Imminently" https://t.co/gxY3rYTVRQ
Tue Jun 20 00:12:08 +0000 2017
VIDEO: Large rat drags bag of trash across sidewalk in Brooklyn https://t.co/2dNC49MHfB https://t.co/wb1lU4Aa0n
— @ABC7
Mon Jun 19 22:55:24 +0000 2017
Heresiarch Salamandra of the Hidden Valley Announces New Funding for Sinfrastructure Improvement
Mon Jun 19 21:37:39 +0000 2017
@TopherGrey @ApprovedNews6 Oh, it'll warm your heart all right. About 200 DEGREES warmer.
— @Loganchance
Mon Jun 19 21:36:50 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Needs Your Biomass (AMERICAN ONLY), Dried Yak Teeth, & Money! https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jun 19 21:36:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 They've been on the verge of a breakthrough for decades now. I'll believe it when I see it. If you ask me, it's all a racket.
— @tomscud
Mon Jun 19 21:35:37 +0000 2017
great, now every time i do something nice i'm going to be accused of a war crime https://t.co/8Xyuay4UQH
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jun 19 21:35:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Imagine how many children could be spared a future in the same prisons if nutritious human flesh was… https://t.co/J5Vzsjxipq
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Jun 19 21:35:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Is this that Project Bear Hug we've been hearing about? Sounds heartwarming and terrifying.
— @TopherGrey
Mon Jun 19 21:34:36 +0000 2017
Report: DARPA Has Successfully Weaponized Kindness
Mon Jun 19 20:41:37 +0000 2017
DOJ Quietly Drops 2016 Restrictions on When Private Prisons May Cook, Eat Prisoners
Mon Jun 19 20:36:30 +0000 2017
Advances in Crime Science Could Soon Make Crime "Much More Accessible," Say Crime Scientists
Mon Jun 19 20:30:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 2.0? What is this, the Xbox? Is a little consistency in numbering too much to ask? We're at least five versions in...
— @Chirurgic
Mon Jun 19 19:20:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Omnipotence was just a little overpowered to be honest, I'm glad they're nerfing it. Should stabilize the religious meta.
— @Alititianized
Mon Jun 19 19:20:49 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Pope Francis Rears Up on Hind Legs, Roars Mightily as Her Cubs Attack Reporters
Mon Jun 19 19:19:45 +0000 2017
Cardinals: "God 2.0" To Fix Many Longstanding Bugs in Omnipotence, "Greatly Improve" Moral Consistency
Mon Jun 19 19:18:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh, again?
— @desertfox899
Mon Jun 19 19:16:53 +0000 2017
Vatican: God to Be "Briefly" Taken Offline for Upgrades Tuesday Morning
Mon Jun 19 19:04:36 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, North Carolina Sludge Flats Envelop, Liquefy Reporter
Mon Jun 19 05:27:58 +0000 2017
Republicans Consider Bill to Extend Voting Rights to Industrial Runoff
Mon Jun 19 05:26:56 +0000 2017
It's the Illuminati's Fault We Didn't Learn From Brexit
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Jun 19 05:21:57 +0000 2017
@cg_marcato @ApprovedNews6 To be fair, he owns more bridges than is healthy, so I can understand the parallels. But… https://t.co/rFiSJA0zgo
— @PithyOrNot
Sun Jun 18 20:53:44 +0000 2017
I hate when he does stuff like this. Head grows back = people think regen proves he's a troll, & my species has eno… https://t.co/zHZ4VlwFOH
— @cg_marcato
Sun Jun 18 20:45:07 +0000 2017
Senate Vows to Fund Terror Plot
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jun 18 20:10:41 +0000 2017
High on Rocket Fuel, Florida Man Reaches Escape Velocity
Sun Jun 18 00:32:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 HOWLING ORDER SPOX: OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO
— @icambron
Sat Jun 17 17:19:28 +0000 2017
High on Homemade Antidepressants, Florida Man Ransacks Temple of the Emerald Convocation, Kidnaps Prelate of the Howling Order
Sat Jun 17 09:46:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't see what all the fuss is about. The Mandrake Dossier is just a trade paperback of the Codex… https://t.co/7gSVPTvAM9
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Jun 17 03:39:06 +0000 2017
"That's Ridiculous," "Everybody Knows I Have No Blood:" Trump, Pressed for Comment, Cuts Off Own Hand to Reveal Dark, Empty Cavity
Sat Jun 17 02:13:55 +0000 2017
Trump Implicated in Blood-Smuggling Scandal
Sat Jun 17 02:11:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And I know it's not "politically correct", but White culture and country music which is obsessed w d… https://t.co/PW8IgTX1Kw
— @cveidson
Fri Jun 16 16:43:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Congress's violent culture must be addressed. Reps punch reporters & post videos of themselves firin… https://t.co/9g89mMcnTM
— @cveidson
Fri Jun 16 16:43:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'd hardly call them "volunteers" like they're doing it out of the goodness of their heart!? They get a FREE HAT.
— @secretGeek
Fri Jun 16 05:27:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm a volunteer myself and I'm not looking forward to this. I'm told it's a terrible strain of virus… https://t.co/7mnGCxhgp0
— @Ozfelian
Fri Jun 16 02:18:31 +0000 2017
Environmental Activists Warn America's Once-
REDACTED
Circles of Standing Stones "Slowly Withering Away" Since Trump Resurrection
Fri Jun 16 02:16:50 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Organizes Volunteer Flamethrower Brigade to Contain Hallelujah Virus Outbreak in Malta
Fri Jun 16 02:12:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 But it's the Archfungus that makes it zesty! I can't go back to plain!
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Jun 16 01:58:35 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Lays Blame on "Anarchocummunists" for Repeeted Vandalism of Pubic Property
Fri Jun 16 01:20:13 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Approved News 6's Reporting Is Viewer-Funded & Certified Uncontaminated! Make Your Monthly Pledge Now https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Jun 15 22:40:47 +0000 2017
@marymcconnell77 @ApprovedNews6 Stealing bases, swinging bats around, spitting. It's no wonder that poor man felt threatened.
— @alexandraerin
Thu Jun 15 22:08:39 +0000 2017
"We Hope His Soul Finds Peace:" Others Injured at GOP Event Hold Candlelight Vigil for Alleged Shooter Slain by Police
Thu Jun 15 20:54:56 +0000 2017
Rep. Scalise Should "Immediately Apologize" For Being Shot, Say Public Relations Consultants: "Being in a Coma is No Excuse"
Thu Jun 15 20:53:20 +0000 2017
"He Shouldn't Have Dressed That Way:" Public Safety Experts Note Many Vulnerable Individuals Perceive Suits as Threat
Thu Jun 15 20:51:01 +0000 2017
Cell Phone Video Shows Scalise "Gesticulating Aggressively" in Moments Before Alleged Shooting
Thu Jun 15 20:48:26 +0000 2017
"Imagine What He Must Have Suffered To Drive Him To Such Violence:" Rep. Scalise's Pastor: Alleged Shooter "In A Way, The True Victim"
Thu Jun 15 20:44:53 +0000 2017
Religious Leaders Urge Family of Rep. Scalise to Find "Forgiveness & Understanding" For Alleged Shooter
Thu Jun 15 20:22:18 +0000 2017
Police Face Criticism for Acting as "Judge, Jury, & Executioner" in GOP Baseball Shooting
Thu Jun 15 20:20:54 +0000 2017
Inside Source: House of Representatives Will Hold Seminar to Teach Republicans How to Avoid Violence, De-Escalate Confrontations
Thu Jun 15 20:19:59 +0000 2017
Noting Shootings Require "Extensive Cleanup," Janitors Urge Americans to Consider Use of Strangulation, Poisoning in Place of Firearms
Thu Jun 15 20:11:59 +0000 2017
"This Was Unconscionable:" Sanitation Unions Condemn Shooting of Rep. Scalise, Calling for "More Hygienic" Murder Attempts
Thu Jun 15 20:09:37 +0000 2017
Experts: Far-Right Politics, Attacks on Rights of Working Americans Often Leave Ordinary Citizens "Understandably Afraid For Their Safety"
Thu Jun 15 20:07:35 +0000 2017
Republicans Must Learn to Present Selves in "Non-Threatening Manner" to Avoid Further Shootings, Say Experts
Thu Jun 15 20:05:45 +0000 2017
Alleged Shooter Slain by Police at GOP Event Described by Mourning Friends, Relatives as "Hard-Working," "Honest"
Thu Jun 15 20:01:36 +0000 2017
Analysts: Representative Shot at Baseball Practice Had "Long Record" of Extremist Views, Questionable Associations
Thu Jun 15 19:59:38 +0000 2017
Rep. Steve Scalise, Wounded in Shooting, Was "No Angel," Say Sources
Thu Jun 15 19:56:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 they've really pulled ahead of Soylent in customer safety. I'll be buying a case of nutrient slurry with my next food ration!
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu Jun 15 03:41:58 +0000 2017
Citing Potential Archfungus Contamination, Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Recalls Batch of Nutrient Slurry
Wed Jun 14 20:43:55 +0000 2017
In Defiance of Presidential Edict, Itinerant Caravan of Booksellers & Mystics Continues to Sell Copies of Codex Salamandrium
Wed Jun 14 20:26:56 +0000 2017
Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Suspends Siege of Istanbul to "Raise Awareness" for "Operation Euripides"
Wed Jun 14 20:23:50 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
North Dakota Mud Kingpin Daisy O'Donohue Found Innocent of Trafficking Charges by Jury
Wed Jun 14 20:20:28 +0000 2017
Just remembered the funniest paragraph in British political history. https://t.co/8wyF0ZY2DH
— @jonbir90
Wed Jun 14 18:28:03 +0000 2017
@alarmallama @EugeneIpavec @ApprovedNews6 PEER REVIEW: Actually
— @martijaxn
Wed Jun 14 10:55:51 +0000 2017
@EugeneIpavec @ApprovedNews6 POLICY EXPERTS: Unfortunately
— @alarmallama
Wed Jun 14 10:53:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ANALYSIS: But!
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Jun 14 10:53:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Moongristle's exaltation of the Orb was barely a modest thanks. in my day we hailed the Orb with for… https://t.co/9mwY9DvxEF
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed Jun 14 07:07:38 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Yes
Wed Jun 14 06:37:32 +0000 2017
OPINION:
No
Wed Jun 14 06:37:11 +0000 2017
Displaying Profound Lack of Journalistic Integrity, Comandante Juanita Gutiérrez of CNN Mocks AN6 For "Poor Operational Security"
Wed Jun 14 06:27:22 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
AN6 Special Correspondents Captured After CNN Alerted to Operation by Social Media Intern
Wed Jun 14 06:24:46 +0000 2017
Daring AN6 Special Correspondents Lead Raid to Recover the Mandrake Dossier from CNN
Wed Jun 14 06:23:33 +0000 2017
Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, Death Mervin Moongristle Criticized for "Lackluster Response" to Chicago Orb's Irradiation of Schoolchildren
Wed Jun 14 06:22:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 finally my PhD in the history of imperial Chinese criminal law is going to come in handy!
— @tanglefox
Wed Jun 14 01:54:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/FFHOo0P8hS
— @xlerb
Wed Jun 14 01:11:45 +0000 2017
'Swirling tornado' of 20,000 honeybees on the loose in Halifax, but don't panic https://t.co/w5Oq8y5qSs https://t.co/HtU4yx02PO
— @CBCNews
Tue Jun 13 23:39:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Lingchi Bill drastically underestimates how much money was saved by replacing Death of 1000 cuts… https://t.co/bwR8DHpChJ
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Jun 13 22:37:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Keel. Hauling. I am done with this biased account and their refusal to acknowledge myself and my fish-monster allies.
— @ZatchDeutsch
Tue Jun 13 20:57:17 +0000 2017
"Slow Slicing Has Been Off the Books for Far Too Long:" Americans for Traditional Torments Praises Trump for Support of House Lingchi Bill
Tue Jun 13 20:52:15 +0000 2017
If there is non-prescription blood in your body, please surrender it to the appropriate individuals to be properly disposed of.
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Jun 12 04:40:45 +0000 2017
Blood is now a Schedule II substance under the Controlled Substances Act.
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Jun 12 04:40:33 +0000 2017
Higgs Boson-Sniffing Dogs Newest Tool in Forensic Cosmologists' Arsenal: Report
Mon Jun 12 01:34:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Aphorism misquoted; original text Jefferson referenced read "The Tree Of Liberty Must At All Times B… https://t.co/DomJrImmGL
— @nothings
Sun Jun 11 22:19:03 +0000 2017
Starting in December, the Dead Will No Longer Be Eligible for American Citizenship
Sun Jun 11 22:18:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 WereLobby Expected To Press For Right-To-Mutilate Act
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sun Jun 11 08:57:56 +0000 2017
Senate Passes Bill Allowing Vampires to Enter Homes Without a Warrant
Sun Jun 11 06:36:24 +0000 2017
BUSINESS: Australian Spider Tycoon Hulk Warbutt Answers Reporters' Questions While Fist-Fighting Cassowary
Sun Jun 11 01:40:30 +0000 2017
@substitute @ApprovedNews6 Bone apostasy. Totally different.
— @HgChuck
Sat Jun 10 00:21:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Wait, wasn’t Glorthrak no-platformed for bone heresy last year?
— @substitute
Fri Jun 09 23:26:46 +0000 2017
Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Spectre of the Nameless Realm, to Speak at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities D.C. Event
Fri Jun 09 23:24:23 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: She Who Throttles the Dawn Redoubles Efforts to Reclaim the Cask of Baleful Splendor
Fri Jun 09 23:18:26 +0000 2017
New Study Warns Hawkblood Charms "Empty of the Might They Once Possessed," Urges Americans to "Seek Elsewhere" For Protection
Fri Jun 09 23:15:19 +0000 2017
Police: Man said fake drugs at Kansas were 'God's Work'
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Jun 09 08:08:44 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: She Who Throttles the Dawn & She Who Must Be Avoided Arrive in London to Welcome He of the Thousand Luminous Forms
Fri Jun 09 06:03:53 +0000 2017
Citing Fear of Attracting the Attention of Those Whose Unattention Is Better Left Unttracted, Elizabeth Windsor Relinquishes Claim to Crown
Fri Jun 09 06:02:35 +0000 2017
"She Played A Mean Hand of Bridge:" Deposed Queen Elizabeth II Laments Disappearance of Queen Desdemona Rothschild I
Fri Jun 09 05:58:09 +0000 2017
Report: Sinn Fein Will Seek to Form Government With Scottish National Party, Sect of Crimson Beetle; Abolish Monarchy in United Kingdom
Fri Jun 09 05:56:30 +0000 2017
He of the Thousand Luminous Forms: "Traffic Was A Real Bugger Around the Serpentine Metaconvergence; Let A Bloke Have His Beauty Sleep"
Fri Jun 09 05:54:25 +0000 2017
"Look, I'm a Bit Knackered Right Now," "Been Traveling For What, 77 Eons?" He of the Thousand Luminous Forms Brushes Off Interview Requests
Fri Jun 09 05:52:39 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
He of the Thousand Luminous Forms Completes Manifestation at 10 Downing Street, Announces Book Tour
Fri Jun 09 05:49:53 +0000 2017
"This Sort of Thing is Quite Common:" Experts Point to Lithuania, New Hampshire as Examples of Daemon-Induced Ontological Instability
Fri Jun 09 05:27:29 +0000 2017
Experts Blame "Seemingly Nonsensical" Victory of Sinn Fein on "Ontological Disturbances" Related to Presence of Minor Daemon
Fri Jun 09 05:25:03 +0000 2017
"We're Just As Surprised As You Are," Report Sinn Fein Party Leader Gerry Adams; "I've Got No Clue How This Happened"
Fri Jun 09 05:23:49 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Victor in Duel Between Queen Rothschild, Theresa May Revealed to Irish Independence Party Sinn Fein
Fri Jun 09 05:22:53 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Intrepid News Agents Enter Deserted London, Find No Trace of Theresa May, Queen Desdemona Rothschild I, or MInor Daemon
Fri Jun 09 05:21:13 +0000 2017
O'Hare International Airport Unveils Plan to Expand Use of Drug-Sniffing Gods in Customs
Fri Jun 09 04:00:50 +0000 2017
Analysts: Drop in Radiation Indicates Queen Desdemona's Minor Daemon May Have Fallen or Been Exorcised
Fri Jun 09 03:52:21 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Illuminati, Major Governments Reporting Levels of Ionizing Radiation in London "Steadily Dropping"
Fri Jun 09 03:51:24 +0000 2017
National Association of Super-Powered Americans Condemns "Police Brutality" Against "The Differently-Empowered" https://t.co/uTqIN0nA8q
Fri Jun 09 00:12:55 +0000 2017
Early Reports Suggest Theresa May's Skeleton Army "Falling as One" Before Minor Daemon Invoked by Queen Desdemona Rothschild I
Fri Jun 09 00:10:45 +0000 2017
Skeleton armies leaning conservative in the UK is one of those weird things like how French Socialists are moderate… https://t.co/e7l82TBlRx
— @listelian
Thu Jun 08 22:54:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That shroud of darkness is such a politically charged cop-out, so sad in this day and age
— @Ozfelian
Thu Jun 08 22:54:22 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, BBC Elections Ghoul Khaz-Malgur Shrieks Names of Hundreds Soon to Perish, Retreats Beneath Shroud of Darkness
Thu Jun 08 22:07:31 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Augury Indicates He of the Thousand Luminous Forms May Soon Manifest
Thu Jun 08 22:02:49 +0000 2017
@jneen_ @ApprovedNews6 *minor* demons aren't going to #MAGA Beelzebub or gtfo
— @connor_medcalf
Thu Jun 08 21:38:23 +0000 2017
Royal Air Force Reportedly Preparing to Detonate Ontological Weapon Over London in Event Queen Rothschild Loses Control of Minor Daemon
Thu Jun 08 21:21:18 +0000 2017
Experts: Global Ontological Fluctuations Indicate "Fearsome Battle" Between Minor Daemon, Theresa May
Thu Jun 08 21:20:07 +0000 2017
As Satellite Imaging of London Fails, Multiple Subtle Alterations to Fundamental Ontology of Being Detected at Large Axiom Collider
Thu Jun 08 21:19:21 +0000 2017
Satellites Detect Sudden Surge of Ionizing Radiation From Trafalgar Square; Multiple Weather Systems Alter Course
Thu Jun 08 21:15:16 +0000 2017
"Where Did You Find That Thing," "Hell Is Empty, I Saw it With My Own Eyes:" Theresa May Howls In Terror as Rothschild's Daemon Manifests
Thu Jun 08 21:14:01 +0000 2017
Seven Tornadoes Touch Down at Trafalgar Square as Minor Daemon Answers Queen Rothschild's Blood Ritual
Thu Jun 08 21:12:13 +0000 2017
Unfazed, Queen Rothschild Begins Blood Ritual, As Bats Form Most Terrible Sigil in Sky Above London
Thu Jun 08 21:04:25 +0000 2017
DUEL FOR BRITAIN: Buckingham Palace Crumbles As Theresa May Utters Seventh Syllable of Damnation
Thu Jun 08 21:01:09 +0000 2017
In Effort to Raise Funds for "Operation Euripides", Illuminati Retasks Spy Satellite to Livestream May-Rothschild Duel From Orbit
Thu Jun 08 20:59:10 +0000 2017
Millions Flee London as Queen Rothschild I, Brandishing Scepter of the Sundered Seas, Accepts May's Challenge to Duel
Thu Jun 08 20:54:37 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
At Head of Skeleton Army, Brexiteer Bone Sorceress Theresa May Challenges Queen Desdemona Rothschild I to Duel for Fate of Nation
Thu Jun 08 20:50:17 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Control the Moon With This One Weird Trick
Wed Jun 07 21:33:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oh hell. I've heard enough archived radio programming to know how this turns out.
— @TopherGrey
Wed Jun 07 21:28:23 +0000 2017
High on Homemade Nebraska Terror Serum, Florida Man Declares War on Mars
Wed Jun 07 21:23:56 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Trump Vetoes Bill to Abolish Crime
Wed Jun 07 21:23:46 +0000 2017
New KKK App Seeks to "Put the 'Fun' in 'Funding Terrorism:" Report
Wed Jun 07 21:21:59 +0000 2017
Disney Wants to Sink US Nuclear Submarine
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jun 07 20:15:08 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Trump Hires Magic Snake as Advisor
Wed Jun 07 17:23:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 it's about time these Washington elites got a taste of their constituents' daily struggles
— @Chirurgic
Wed Jun 07 17:23:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 good to see the Deep State finally resisting the Trump Administration
— @AndrewNCassidy
Wed Jun 07 17:23:19 +0000 2017
Capitol Police Detain Magic Snake, Free Conway
Wed Jun 07 17:23:10 +0000 2017
"I Am Trapped in My Office With a Magic Snake," "It Is Performing Augury & Demanding My Firstborn:" Kellyanne Conway Sends Panicked Tweets
Wed Jun 07 17:20:21 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Faceless Horde is Good for Bitcoin
Wed Jun 07 17:02:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Don't mess with Lady Liberty.
— @ladyjax
Wed Jun 07 05:38:41 +0000 2017
"Think Of The Children:" Detractors Point to Studies Showing Urbanifil "Lowers Property Values," May Lead to Hysteria, Fainting
Wed Jun 07 05:11:34 +0000 2017
FDA Approves First Anti-Gentrification Drug
Wed Jun 07 05:10:08 +0000 2017
Paramedics Report Sen. Hatch "Successfully Revived" With Infusions of Nebraska Terror Serum, Freshly-Harvested Millennial Blood
Wed Jun 07 05:05:16 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) Keels Over After Months-Long Staring Contest With Statue of Liberty
Wed Jun 07 05:02:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ban algorithms
— @worr
Wed Jun 07 02:41:28 +0000 2017
"Twitter is Using Algorithms to Control My Menstrual Cycle:" Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Makes Shocking Allegations at Press Conference
Wed Jun 07 02:00:22 +0000 2017
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 I don't know who we should be more worried about—Florida Man, or the rest of us.
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jun 07 01:55:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 oh shit Walmart Fumes are DANK
— @Chirurgic
Wed Jun 07 01:47:03 +0000 2017
@ladyjax @ApprovedNews6 Stop hating. Every American has the right to speak arcane words in the invisible glow of wh… https://t.co/ZP6c1kGdGA
— @NorWesternCrow
Wed Jun 07 01:44:05 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
High on Cursed Fairy Gold, Florida Man Burns Down Wal-Mart
Wed Jun 07 01:40:52 +0000 2017
High on Military-Grade Pesticides, Florida Man Leads Heist on Whispering Woods, Escapes With Millions in Cursed Fairy Gold
Wed Jun 07 01:40:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 NO RELIGIOUS TESTS FOR OFFICE! Just because Sen. bel-Malphegor's faith uses plutonium rather than th… https://t.co/Ke02pnXdBM
— @Chirurgic
Tue Jun 06 23:29:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 She was chanting over radioactive material without any real respect for the rules of law. Tradition… https://t.co/Uvy8cDr5OS
— @ladyjax
Tue Jun 06 22:05:27 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Sen. bel-Malphegor Escorted from Building by Senate Minotaur
Tue Jun 06 22:04:12 +0000 2017
"A Clear Violation of Parliamentary Procedure:" Majority Leader McConnell Condemns Sen. bel-Malphegor's "Disrespect" for Senate Tradition
Tue Jun 06 21:58:40 +0000 2017
Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Begins Softly Chanting Over Small Plutonium Figurine, Provoking Consternation Among Colleagues
Tue Jun 06 21:56:48 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Bone Sorceress Supreme Theresa May Leads Undead Horde in Attempt to Wrest Control of Britain from Queen Desdemona Rothschild I
Tue Jun 06 21:27:42 +0000 2017
Millennials Are Killing The Restaurant Industry, Replacing Traditional Meals With Annual Hunts, And Presenting Their Tithes To The Wolf King
— @SomeChrisTweets
Tue Jun 06 14:39:31 +0000 2017
7 Reasons the Illuminati is Bugging Your Refrigerator - Can You Guess What #1 Is?
Mon Jun 05 21:05:21 +0000 2017
@TopherGrey @ApprovedNews6 Pshaw… The studio version sounds like it was recorded in a pet store.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Jun 05 07:00:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/sqEEVTAHvv
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Jun 05 06:59:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The B-side is a cover of John Cages' 4'33 performed by the prey of a boa constrictor.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Jun 05 06:48:10 +0000 2017
Failcore Band "Snake Factory" Releases New Protest Song In Response to Trump's Attack on Squirrel
Mon Jun 05 05:18:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @Tao23 "Move Arboreal Gophers Away"
— @Patrixmyth
Mon Jun 05 05:14:02 +0000 2017
Trump Found in Tree Hollering at Squirrel
Mon Jun 05 02:13:02 +0000 2017
Google Announces Plans to Deprecate Your Mom in Early 2018
Sun Jun 04 20:48:53 +0000 2017
Outdated Versions of Adobe Flesh Player May Soon Develop Capacity for Hate, Company Spokesman Warns
Sun Jun 04 05:30:12 +0000 2017
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 Do not worry, the Orb is working as intended. You will know when the time comes for your Awakening.
— @Xaosopher
Sat Jun 03 22:32:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Dear [REDACTED]: The orb glowed green when I spoke my deepest desires, & now i taste pain. Did I anger it? Thanks, [EXPUNGED]
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Jun 03 22:17:47 +0000 2017
Author of Beloved Children's Book "Bilious Richard & the Cask of Eternal Nightmare" to Hold D.C. "Screech-In" Against Femur Tariffs
Sat Jun 03 17:22:04 +0000 2017
"The Scouring of the Veil, The Ashen Chalice, & Extinguishing the Flame Eternal:" Supporters Hail New Obama Book as "The End of Everything"
Sat Jun 03 07:11:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 If you're saying I can kill my children with sinful thoughts.... Does that still count toward my sac… https://t.co/zOXU9L4N3B
— @AxelBordelon
Sat Jun 03 00:44:09 +0000 2017
Are Sinful Thoughts Killing Your Children? Find Out Tomorrow Night at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Jun 03 00:36:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Good ol' Terrorbot of Cluster 76 really deserves this. No one terrorises filthy heretics like it does!
— @ThrownIntoSol
Fri Jun 02 09:22:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Terrorbot reached down from the heavens and touched me right in the amygdala
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Jun 02 09:22:44 +0000 2017
Detroit Has Ruined Masturbation
— @bottest_takes
Fri Jun 02 09:22:26 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 ? https://t.co/1sp3J4iJH5
— @sophienotemily
Fri Jun 02 05:58:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The last time they tried tackling this they made everything illegal Leave crime alone!!!
— @breakingcreech
Thu Jun 01 22:28:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 it's about damn crime!
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu Jun 01 22:27:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 South Hears Term 'Abolition,' Drunkenly Threatens to 'Rise Again'
— @TimCushing
Thu Jun 01 22:26:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "It should be illegal"
— @000dollars
Thu Jun 01 22:26:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Crime Lobby to Focus on Senate, President
— @DarrylDaugherty
Thu Jun 01 05:59:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 If we abolish crime, then only outlaws will be criminals!
— @monosynth
Thu Jun 01 05:59:53 +0000 2017
House Votes to Abolish Crime
Thu Jun 01 05:56:55 +0000 2017
7 Signs Your Furniture May Be Ontologically Satanic - #4 Will Forever Unravel the Concept of Surprise!
Thu Jun 01 00:48:02 +0000 2017
Vatican to Canonize St. Terrorbot of Cluster 76
Wed May 31 18:49:47 +0000 2017
... [B]lood later found in 9 jars across the US. ... [I]ncluding Kentucky, New Mexico... & Rhode Island. ... [t]ota… https://t.co/jdAcDAKhRW
— @eaglevsnake
Wed May 31 18:31:46 +0000 2017
Intern Exsanguinated After Misuse of Approved News 6 Twitter Feed
Wed May 31 18:28:32 +0000 2017
cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/daaSHGB9Xi
— @rhcm123
Wed May 31 18:02:58 +0000 2017
Democrats Slam Romney's "Obsessive Pursuit" of "The Dancing Man," "For It Shall Live As Long As Hubris Lives in the Mortal Heart"
Wed May 31 11:44:13 +0000 2017
Vaping Is an Ice Scientist's Worst Nightmare
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed May 31 10:13:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 US Army Corps of Engineers Conducting Unplanned Exercises In Border Areas. FEMA, NASA, CDC Refuse To Comment.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed May 31 09:22:21 +0000 2017
Sources: Tennessee State █████ Will Likely Be
REDACTED
, [REDACTED], or [REDACTED], https://t.co/17sMu28v26
Wed May 31 09:15:31 +0000 2017
House Dems on Covfefe: "It's Unbelievable We're Still Talking About This in 2017," "It's Time to Stop Relitigating the ███████ Rights Act"
Wed May 31 06:16:22 +0000 2017
"It's Time We Had A Serious Discussion About This Issue:" Conservative Groups Laud Trump's "Courageous Stance" on Covfefe
Wed May 31 06:12:27 +0000 2017
"I Don't Care About Being 'Politically Correct:'" Trump Defends Covfefe Tweet
Wed May 31 06:08:56 +0000 2017
Mitt Romney, Clad in Tattered Robes, Blindfold, Seen Pursuing Dancing Man Out of Bennington, Rusted Cleaver in Hand
Wed May 31 04:06:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I think by now the public as a whole is sick of the Dancing Man's shtick. Every time it's just [REDA… https://t.co/anTDafbeG1
— @Cloudberry0
Wed May 31 04:06:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oh geez...oh geez. Disco █████ and everything? Stay safe, Vermonters.
— @TopherGrey
Wed May 31 04:06:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 REBUTTAL: The Grinning Thing Can Have The Protesters
— @asterixcalibur
Wed May 31 04:04:24 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
The Dancing Man ██████ ███████ Bennington, Vermont; Hundreds Believed
REDACTED
Wed May 31 04:03:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: You Goddamn Liberals Just Want to Give Everything Away for Free, Don't You?
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed May 31 03:51:43 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
We Must Save Our Rancid Meat to Appease the Grinning Thing
Wed May 31 03:51:24 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Need to Start Throwing Rancid Meat at Protesters Again
Wed May 31 03:50:55 +0000 2017
RELATED: Is Your Imagination Harboring Terrorists? It's Likelier than You Think!
Wed May 31 01:43:23 +0000 2017
FBI Warns Fugitives May Be Hiding In Your Memories
Wed May 31 00:39:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Orb fifth column? https://t.co/1WwTB8tbhW
— @mensan98th
Tue May 30 20:46:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Holy crap, that's where my sister lives. Gotta warn her until it's too late…
— @usr_local_share
Tue May 30 16:52:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "I done told them flickerin' shadow people stay off my grass & stop playing that sibilant music, and… https://t.co/biyZ9QjsU3
— @PithyOrNot
Tue May 30 08:11:30 +0000 2017
Why This Intangible Ghoul Is Going to Crush You In Your Sleep — And Why You'll Be Glad It Did
Tue May 30 08:10:43 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Were The Youth Truly Causally Disjunct, Real Americans Could Not Perceive Them
Tue May 30 06:50:37 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Today's Youth Are Causally Disjunct From Consensus Reality
Tue May 30 06:49:53 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Grinning Thing is Good for Bitcoin
Tue May 30 05:18:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 When the Orbs of the Grand Accounting arrive, what geometric shape will *your* soul be? Donate today… https://t.co/rdJ1ApZTZZ
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue May 30 05:01:19 +0000 2017
What the Dissolution of the Council of Whispers Would Mean For You: A Shrieking Shadow Thing's Perspective
Tue May 30 04:59:51 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Support Our Underseas Reporters by Making a Monthly Pledge https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Tue May 30 04:39:28 +0000 2017
Gnawing Casually on Human Femur, Australian Spider Tycoon Hulk Warbutt Calls on Shark-King of Under-Australia to Lift Embargo of New Zealand
Tue May 30 04:35:43 +0000 2017
Finance Minister Bolt "Razorjaw" Hammerblitz Warns of "Catastrophic Repercussions" from Shark-King's "Ill-Timed Move," Bodyslams Reporter
Tue May 30 04:27:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Typical Shark-King reponse. Next thing you know, they'll demand that the Blood Frenzy be held off-camera.
— @TopherGrey
Tue May 30 04:20:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 For historical background on shark geopolitics in the South Pacific: - https://t.co/qkFZjTnTTz -… https://t.co/N62xxleTzX
— @DrCuriosity
Tue May 30 04:20:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You can tell that @ApprovedNews6 isn't from anywhere near that region because the headline doesn't use the shark-king's name.
— @ireneista
Tue May 30 04:18:39 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Shark-King of Under-Australia Enters Blood Frenzy
Tue May 30 04:15:35 +0000 2017
Overlord Rip "Skullfuck" Fireshank of Australian Wastes Bites Head Off Razortooth Shriekling, Slams Under-Australia's Embargo of New Zealand
Tue May 30 04:15:21 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Shark-King of Under-Australia Declares Embargo on New Zealand
Tue May 30 04:15:12 +0000 2017
Trump Reports "Huge Breakthrough" in "Negotiations" With "The Bone-Drinker," As Millipedes Crawl from Nostrils
Tue May 30 04:05:05 +0000 2017
We always knew it would come to this. They know what they've done. They know. https://t.co/XSUYQteYXu
— @SontaranPR
Tue May 30 02:24:28 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Pentagon Warns "An Entity" Has Been "Released" Into "General Population" at "Undisclosed Location"
Tue May 30 02:05:06 +0000 2017
Razortooth Shriekling Becomes Tennessee State Marsupial
Tue May 30 02:03:53 +0000 2017
Fungus-King of New Zealand Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Under-Australia
Tue May 30 02:03:24 +0000 2017
Improving Airport Security Through Meditation, Chanting: Monks of the Bronze Mask Issue Radical Proposal
Mon May 29 22:18:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Glad to see the AOA with this well rounded response.
— @MusclePupy
Mon May 29 22:14:59 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Faces Cliticism for Failures to Cumpensate Clampaign Advisers
Mon May 29 22:14:08 +0000 2017
American Orb Association Condemns Trump Statement as "Cubical," "Almost Rectangular"
Mon May 29 22:09:04 +0000 2017
Trump: America "Post-Orb"
Mon May 29 20:35:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It's immoral to ask Americans to risk their bones when Skeletal Veteran's Affairs has a 30 year back… https://t.co/AWHRvDe1I3
— @TBSkyen
Mon May 29 20:33:11 +0000 2017
Report: Millions to Be Dissolved in Iron Cauldrons by the End of 2017
Mon May 29 20:31:23 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time for Millennials to Man Up and Stop Dodging the Skeleton War Draft
Mon May 29 20:29:27 +0000 2017
LIVE: Strange red lights are illuminating inside the White House. We're working to find out what is going on. WATCH… https://t.co/bLeui4Ndx0
— @FOX5Atlanta
Mon May 29 10:19:17 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I once mistook a Mad Maiden for a Blood Maiden. She stabbed my shadow into the ground. I had to take sensitivity training.
— @theredlongitude
Sun May 28 06:23:56 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
You Need This
Sun May 28 05:15:24 +0000 2017
OPINION:
You Deserve This
Sun May 28 05:15:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Erotican Repubic Boasts “Supeerior Aeronaughtycs Progasm,” “We'll Be Circling Uranus Bevore You Get… https://t.co/9N7AG3AxCs
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun May 28 04:01:05 +0000 2017
Swarms of cicadas are unexpectedly crawling out from under trees from North Carolina to New Jersey. https://t.co/LaAR20nC0b
— @sciam
Sat May 27 23:28:16 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Support Approved News 6 With a Monthly Pledge in US Dollars, Dried Yak Teeth, or Cursed Fairy Gold https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sat May 27 22:58:13 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| DEA Reschedules Happiness https://t.co/4nN08juxod https://t.co/yeBELCmRpv
Sat May 27 22:37:03 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents: Apple Juice "Insufficiently Educational," Should Be "Restricted to Those Over 18"
Sat May 27 20:41:37 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
The Society of Whispers Must Never be Conflated with the Council of Whispers, Lest A Dread Happening Befall
Sat May 27 20:08:44 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Reliable Inside Sources Report Trump Expelled from Society of Whispers on Charges of Sexual Harassment
Sat May 27 20:07:16 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Trump's Links With the Society of Whispers Should Not Be Ignored
Sat May 27 20:05:25 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Secluded Eyes of the Unthinkable Obliterator Join Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Against Mad Maidens of the Reviled Hour
Sat May 27 20:04:22 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Mad Maidens of the Reviled Hour Declare Eternal Blood War on Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sat May 27 20:01:51 +0000 2017
BREAKING: President-erect of Erotican Republic Cumdemns Abolition of Heretosexual Marriage in [REDACTED]
— @joe_no_privacy
Sat May 27 19:32:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Dear ███████, how do I put in a Freedomme of Skinformation Act request w/ the Erotican Repubic's Orifice of Voreign Affairs?
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat May 27 03:25:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 does the Erotican Republic deny the Orb? https://t.co/sLlFlN3EU7
— @Chirurgic
Sat May 27 02:36:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/d41h8pfgCq
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri May 26 23:12:28 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/N5meOqHCqk
— @cveidson
Fri May 26 20:21:51 +0000 2017
Pressed on Basic Mathematical Facts, Physical Laws, CIA Spokesman Doubles Up Laughing, Waves Reporters Away
Fri May 26 07:14:00 +0000 2017
"No Such Thing As Turtles," "This Isn't America," "The Sky is Definitely Not Blue:" CIA Spokesman Denies Everything
Fri May 26 07:12:05 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Repertedly "Sexcited" to Welcum New Sex Islands Amb-ass-ador
Thu May 25 16:11:36 +0000 2017
Ice Cliffs Sparkle as the Orb Crawls Along
— @NYTMinusContext
Thu May 25 14:14:40 +0000 2017
PARENTS: Are Your Teens Rolling Their Own Crypto? Find Out More About This Dangerous Trend at 6pm Tonight, Only on Unapproved News 69
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu May 25 03:31:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Can we please can the shallow celebrity gossip? There IS real news out there! Also I haven't read th… https://t.co/wkr1V2JCYO
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu May 25 01:13:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the Erotican is leaking https://t.co/J0PtsyIlUp
— @jleedev
Thu May 25 00:54:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That's because they refuse to support their Local Dusk Jockeys with their dollars. I'm very pleased… https://t.co/QaitH3iAub
— @ladyjax
Wed May 24 22:39:45 +0000 2017
New Study: Many Americans Blame Local Dusk Jockeys for "Uncreative" Sunsets
Wed May 24 21:36:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EXPERTS: Peak Orb is a Disgusting Lie Manufactured by the Cube Industrial Complex to Sow Chaos and P… https://t.co/cUTbZa5ZFV
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed May 24 16:14:37 +0000 2017
@gizematsix @archillect URGENT: Photography Site Reveals Development of Unknown Compound Alpha. @ApprovedNews6
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed May 24 12:25:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/fYTNan69JR
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Wed May 24 06:11:37 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Condemns Use of SLUT Teams by Dicktator of the Sex Islands Against "Skinnocent Protestes"
Wed May 24 05:27:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Candidate Promises Funding For Orbs: No More Taxpayer Money "Wasted On Platonic Solids".
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed May 24 05:11:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oorah! The warbeasts have begun the Caterwaul of Matrimony, which will go on through Thursday! Earpl… https://t.co/pEdBEqfdDg
— @TopherGrey
Wed May 24 05:11:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Finance: Brokers Taking Short Positions On Orb. Spheroids Down In Early Trading. Regulators & Geomet… https://t.co/X6ecbUTFG4
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed May 24 04:43:13 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
The Faceless Adjutant & The Wayward Prince To Wed
Wed May 24 04:41:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OUTRAGED LETTER BY READER WHO ONLY READ THE HEADLINE: um actually an orb by definition has no peak
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Wed May 24 04:16:23 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: Have We Reached Peak Orb?
Wed May 24 04:11:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And how many Hellfare recipients are using my hacks money to buy brand name Killadelphia Scream Cheese?
— @tweetsthecreeps
Wed May 24 03:44:43 +0000 2017
New Study: Scream Cheese, Slaughtermelon Consumption Elevated in States With Heaviest Hellfare Restrictions
Wed May 24 00:11:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OUTSIDER'S PERSPECTIVE: There is no Outer Space, by Ponyboy Curtis
— @jdimpson
Tue May 23 23:39:17 +0000 2017
"Blessed Are the Orbs:" White House Press Secretary Spicer, Speaking in Eerie Monotone, Issues Statement to Press
Tue May 23 21:08:30 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
There Are No Communists in Outer Space, by Cosmocommissar Alyona Kuznetsova
Tue May 23 19:24:25 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: There Are No Nazis in Outer Space, by Umlaufbahnführer Hans Knorpelsturm
Tue May 23 19:20:23 +0000 2017
Facebook Rolls Out Missiles, Other Weaponry at Annual Parade
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue May 23 06:12:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 UPDATE: Guilt by associative property yields false conclusions. No proof exists such that my identit… https://t.co/LJmrkmygHI
— @ravikanodia
Mon May 22 23:51:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 damn kids. the only drug anyone should do is the powdered remains of Those Touched by the Orb
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon May 22 22:41:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I live near the indiana border, hoosier salad is everywhere please help
— @breakingcreech
Mon May 22 22:04:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Crystal math has caused incalculable harm to my local domain. Its inclusion in this set is integral to the premise
— @ravikanodia
Mon May 22 22:04:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It's the tetraflourides that are the real scourges
— @formercrsc
Mon May 22 21:58:41 +0000 2017
@whatafungame @ApprovedNews6 @AxelBordelon You forgot an important qualifier: 100% of *surviving* ClF3 users…
— @gparker
Mon May 22 21:58:20 +0000 2017
@gparker @ApprovedNews6 @AxelBordelon ~100% of regular ClF3 users have moved on to CIF5. Of course, that might simp… https://t.co/NCF0xtLopP
— @whatafungame
Mon May 22 21:58:18 +0000 2017
The other day I went to roll up some dank Hoosier Salad and I realized it was 40% Buckeyes. I need a new dealer https://t.co/mRluHd0dOJ
— @cveidson
Mon May 22 21:41:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 in my community people mostly get high on their inflated sense of self-worth.
— @VECTORCITIES
Mon May 22 21:41:12 +0000 2017
@Hoosier_TarHeel @ApprovedNews6 @TimCushing It's a side dish when the entrée is #PeanutButterMeth
— @SohnsTed
Mon May 22 21:41:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @TimCushing I had to google "Hoosier Salad." It's worse than I thought. https://t.co/8Re9TTaqIx
— @Hoosier_TarHeel
Mon May 22 21:41:00 +0000 2017
@AxelBordelon @ApprovedNews6 Careful. ClF3 is a notorious gateway drug to ClF5.
— @gparker
Mon May 22 21:40:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 My son is in middle school and he says he's hears some kids talk about THE DEVOURING DUST OF UNHALLO… https://t.co/fLFK3j8v2X
— @bro_hal
Mon May 22 21:40:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Asphalt.
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon May 22 21:38:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm trying to kick my addiction to Fractal Meth, but I keep repeating the same patterns on a larger and larger scale.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon May 22 20:45:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 We're having real issues with THE GREAT HORNED ONE'S BLACK BLOOD, SWEET ICHOR OF DECAY becoming popular among kids.
— @GhostofGoldblum
Mon May 22 20:45:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Unrelenting Specter Of Death has ruined hundreds of lives in my community and must be banned
— @AndrewNCassidy
Mon May 22 20:45:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm addicted to Chlorine Triflouride and I can't stop.
— @AxelBordelon
Mon May 22 20:32:04 +0000 2017
Damn kids huffing the Compound Alpha, hoping to trigger latent superpowers... https://t.co/nKWAEpRYhx
— @Velocelot
Mon May 22 20:22:29 +0000 2017
POLL | What Street Drugs Are the Biggest Problem in Your Community?
Mon May 22 20:21:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EXPERTS: https://t.co/s62H2tdpCh
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon May 22 14:54:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5OI0NFIfx0
— @insomniacity
Mon May 22 14:54:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Valiants of The Orb Claim Requests To Appear At Expert Panel Denied, Given Roundabout Replies, "Went… https://t.co/RlqDvFaxVH
— @martijaxn
Mon May 22 14:53:54 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT: I don't think you realize exactly how much blood we're talking about here. https://t.co/wc05faWOOj
— @surly_squirrel
Mon May 22 02:28:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I was looking forward to this, too
— @Divad_42
Mon May 22 01:12:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Aw, c'mon. I have a summoning circle to get to at █
— @Divad_42
Mon May 22 01:12:01 +0000 2017
together we can show this ORB-LOVER he is expected 2 KEEP HIS PROMISES!!!! #LikeUntoTheOldenTimes
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:46 +0000 2017
Tomorrow i will be manifesting on National Mall in ALL MY DREAD GLORY 2 MAKE MY DISPLEASURE KNOWN !! i call on all Real Americans to join me
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:41 +0000 2017
We must HOLD trump to CAMPAIGN PROMISES re/ ORB. We must Not let him think he can CHEAT AMERICA
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:37 +0000 2017
But, now president WE elected has REFUSED 2 honor promises he made to US !!! EPIC FAIL
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:31 +0000 2017
rhetoric on campaign trail was one thing!! https://t.co/6H2EQrLD1z
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:26 +0000 2017
When i thought-compelled all those within my power 2 vote TRUMP in 2016, i believed in man who would take STRONG STAND against ORB
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:19 +0000 2017
however !! We must respond with Real Action! our President must learn to respect WILL OF PEOPLE, must learn to KEEP PROMISES
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:12 +0000 2017
i know we r all v SHOCKED by news today. Trump orb FLIP FLOP = UNACCEPTABLE
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:07 +0000 2017
SO #thread
— @realKhaddaraz
Mon May 22 01:05:04 +0000 2017
@dyslexxicon @ApprovedNews6 I LIKE ICOSAHEDRON!
— @Chirurgic
Mon May 22 00:56:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Orbs are round. Orbs are SIMPLE. ORBS ARE INFERIOR! TRUST IN THE DODECAHEDRON AND ITS MANY FACETS AND PENETRATING POINTS! ✴️
— @dyslexxicon
Mon May 22 00:55:07 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
White House Reportedly "Frantic" to Uncover Source of Nazi Orb Leak
Mon May 22 00:53:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 all of this talk of orbs, but no one wants to talk about the one true transcended shape: The Great Stellated Dodecahedron! ✴️
— @dyslexxicon
Mon May 22 00:52:08 +0000 2017
Trump Dismisses Nazi Orb Warnings: "Orbs Are Great, Guys;" "We've Got the Best Orbs, Right Here in America"
Mon May 22 00:50:17 +0000 2017
Analysts: "Possibility Exists" Trump "On the Verge" of Reclaiming the Claw https://t.co/i8uR2lct3O
Mon May 22 00:49:31 +0000 2017
Nazi Orbs "A Clear & Present Danger" to National Security, Inside Sources Warn
Mon May 22 00:45:29 +0000 2017
@velartrill https://t.co/Mcse7DTybv
— @riking27
Mon May 22 00:36:02 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why Mere Blood Will Not Suffice
Mon May 22 00:34:06 +0000 2017
EDITORIAL: https://t.co/7NauxJTqWB
Mon May 22 00:18:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Baby Boomers need to face the fact that the mistakes of their generation shall not be forces onto Mi… https://t.co/Yt0O9FauSi
— @AxelBordelon
Mon May 22 00:14:50 +0000 2017
TONIGHT AT █/█c: Tune In to Our Special Expert Panel on Orb Affairs, Moderated by Salisandra Fleischzweifel & the Spectre of Howard Taft
Mon May 22 00:05:34 +0000 2017
VIEWPOINT: https://t.co/uwrtVjIKCp
Mon May 22 00:01:59 +0000 2017
@sarahjeong another view of orb https://t.co/Rt4tMQIVHA
— @the_castle_gate
Mon May 22 00:01:01 +0000 2017
@s_westall @ApprovedNews6 All these corrupt politicians standing in the presence of the Orb smh. Back in my day, we… https://t.co/5oeurmUVB8
— @betterchardyboi
Sun May 21 23:57:20 +0000 2017
Kids and the Problem With Colloidal Silver
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun May 21 23:12:48 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Saudi Orb Visit, Trump Unhinges Jaw, Emits Baleful Light From Deep Within
Sun May 21 21:20:57 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Chicago Orb's Unscheduled Neutrino Burst is Clearly Part of "Operation Euripides"
Sun May 21 21:19:21 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Chicago Orb's Unscheduled Neutrino Burst is Clearly Part of "Project Scowling Lizard"
Sun May 21 21:18:58 +0000 2017
Chicago Orb Emits Unscheduled Neutrino Burst, Prompting Inquiries Into Trump's Activities
Sun May 21 21:11:17 +0000 2017
Here's everything @ApprovedNews6 has re: Trump's statements on orbs. Not much. I think he's hiding something. https://t.co/YG1mncsmNv
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun May 21 21:07:11 +0000 2017
Trump's opinions on orbs are strangely sparse, but consistently negative. As late as March, he wanted to jail them. https://t.co/TTOBOU2Med
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun May 21 21:07:06 +0000 2017
Trump, 2016: orbs are ruining america Trump, 2017: i like 2 touch orb https://t.co/Z452VTFhxl
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun May 21 21:07:02 +0000 2017
Sisi, Saudi King and Trump put their hands on a glowing orb https://t.co/9aKXl2prjW
— @s_westall
Sun May 21 21:03:19 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Secret Society of Elvis Impersonators, Founded 1471, Wiped Out by Ancient Adversary
Sun May 21 08:39:02 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Amphetamine Psychosis is Good for Bitcoin
Sun May 21 06:46:09 +0000 2017
Four Killed in Suicide Prevention
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat May 20 18:15:47 +0000 2017
Only you can help the War On Hugs (tm @ApprovedNews6) https://t.co/V48gaC0p9v
— @sophienotemily
Sat May 20 15:35:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Great, now every ███████ will be forced to [character string not found] and then sieve through the d… https://t.co/7UESNXIqHX
— @TopherGrey
Sat May 20 06:41:19 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Omnibus
REDACTED
Act ██████ in House, ███ to ███
Sat May 20 06:34:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Also known as the Omnibus [REDACTED] Act.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sat May 20 06:33:32 +0000 2017
Rep. █████ ███████ (🕴️-NV) Introduces Bill to
REDACTED
Sat May 20 06:21:21 +0000 2017
READ NOW: 7 Varieties of Interloper & How Best to Dispose of Each
Sat May 20 03:08:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/K0YwhU0Deb
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri May 19 19:48:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Oh suuure the brochure says "infinite," but nobody reads the fine print. I bet there's all kinds of… https://t.co/uTGvtXvt6W
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri May 19 02:09:41 +0000 2017
7 Reasons to Prostate Yourself Before the Sunken Avatar of the Hidden Kingdom
Fri May 19 01:56:58 +0000 2017
Survey: Despite Ban, Illicit Hug Use Growing Among Millennials
Fri May 19 00:18:14 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Trivializing the Great Mistake is an Insult to the
REDACTED
Thu May 18 18:26:19 +0000 2017
OPINION:
In Less Than A Year, Trump's Presidency Has Proven More Disastrous Even Than the Great Mistake
Thu May 18 18:25:24 +0000 2017
Erotican Ambassador Dismisses United Skanks as "Special Interest Grope"
Thu May 18 18:11:14 +0000 2017
United Skanks of America Calls for "Cumbargo" on Erotican Repubic
Thu May 18 18:10:13 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Need a Break from the Day-to-Day? Consider a Vacation in Scenic "INFINITE TORTURE ZONE"!
Thu May 18 17:19:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: NSA Said To Be Secretly Collecting Login Blood in Massive Storage Tank for Classified Purposes
— @icambron
Thu May 18 15:43:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Donald Trump crows at victory, conveniently forgetting that such a ruling invalidates his initial claims.
— @AxelBordelon
Thu May 18 14:23:10 +0000 2017
Attn: @ApprovedNews6 ⚡️ “DHS Secretary tells Trump he can use ceremonial saber on the press” https://t.co/3zez2e1y4u
— @monosynth
Thu May 18 14:23:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Disgusting bigotry against nonexistent-americans
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Thu May 18 07:14:37 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Judge Rules Fairy Queen Does Not Have Standing to File Suit, "As She Does Not Exist"
Thu May 18 07:13:20 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Fairy Queen Files Suit Against Trump for Defamation, Libel
Thu May 18 07:11:50 +0000 2017
"I Most Certainly Do Not Exist:" Fairy Queen Issues Scathing Rebuttal to Trump's "Hateful Remarks"
Thu May 18 07:11:15 +0000 2017
Trump Blames Russia Leak on Fairy Queen, "Who Totally Exists"
Thu May 18 07:09:44 +0000 2017
Crime-Breathing Dragon Lays Waste to Cleveland
Thu May 18 04:36:51 +0000 2017
Clitics: New President-Erect's Repubetation Tainted by Predecessor's Sextralegal Sacktivities
Thu May 18 04:12:54 +0000 2017
New President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Vows to "Sextirpate" Cockruption
Thu May 18 04:07:22 +0000 2017
what the hell is going on in DC? is this you @ApprovedNews6? https://t.co/sdQRvvXRQb
— @mercat
Thu May 18 03:53:57 +0000 2017
Rising Razortooth Shriekling Populations Threaten East Coast Ecosystems
Wed May 17 21:24:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Scandal goes deeper, harder, as colleagues of former president-erect continue to be fingered.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Wed May 17 20:53:32 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Forced to Step Down in Favor of Suckcessor
Wed May 17 20:13:49 +0000 2017
President-Erect's Party Members "Simply Cuntfounded" by Phallegations
Wed May 17 20:03:08 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Pimplicated in Sextortion Scandal
Wed May 17 19:59:59 +0000 2017
Critics: While of "Some Value" for Corporate Systems, Most End Users "Lack the Patience" to Slow-Bleed an Innocent Creature at Each Login
Wed May 17 19:13:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is clearly incorrect - the blood of an innocent is a username, not their password
— @riking27
Wed May 17 19:12:52 +0000 2017
Microsoft Defends New Update: Requirement for Innocent Blood "Critical Security Feature"
Wed May 17 19:11:23 +0000 2017
Controversial Windows 10 Update Will Require Users to Shed Innocent Blood as Part of Login Process
Wed May 17 19:10:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/DaYSOUrNj9
— @mjhutchinson
Wed May 17 00:42:57 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Getting Too Heavy for Your Favorite Broomstick? Try Our New "Hexercise" Regimen & Watch the Pounds Fly Away!
Tue May 16 23:23:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Sign #6 is a certified letter with your appointment info
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue May 16 22:33:04 +0000 2017
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wf4u1CvBez
— @rhcm123
Tue May 16 22:32:49 +0000 2017
Bill Before Congress Would Declare Refutation of the Sanguine Edict National Holiday
Tue May 16 20:01:24 +0000 2017
7 Signs You Have Been Selected for the Procedure
Tue May 16 05:14:58 +0000 2017
LIFEHACK: Degauss Your Husband for Optimum Performance
Tue May 16 04:31:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/jMD7dy5HpH
— @taffer
Mon May 15 20:41:35 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Patience, My Hot-Blooded Friend — Might Our Dear Guest Not Perhaps Still Prove Useful?
Mon May 15 09:23:06 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Eliminate the Interloper!
Mon May 15 09:21:38 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Teens Getting High on Revolutionary Praxis
Mon May 15 09:10:18 +0000 2017
"Nothing Under the Sun At All," Forensic Theologians Conclude, Eyes Darting Nervously From Side to Side https://t.co/BSWNXiiRyF
Sun May 14 16:29:20 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Approved News 5 is No Longer Approved
Sun May 14 16:25:41 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Ensure Your Flesh Purity by Making a Monthly Contribution to Approved News Sources https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun May 14 16:25:02 +0000 2017
Experts Confirm You Are Utterly Unprepared For What Is Yet To Come
Sun May 14 16:22:54 +0000 2017
Inside Sources: "This is Only the Beginning"
Sun May 14 16:12:18 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Demands Sexplanation for Aggressive Military Sexercises by Sex Islands
Sun May 14 14:16:37 +0000 2017
Looks like @ApprovedNews6 has some serious competition today. https://t.co/yCRru599F2
— @usr_local_share
Sun May 14 14:09:20 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Press Secretary Spicer ██████████ Unidentified Object █████████ ███████ Fourth Impact ████ █████████ of Casualties
Sun May 14 04:13:22 +0000 2017
Inheritors of the Gibbering Crown Stage Mock
REDACTED
on National Mall to Protest Deregulation of Femur Imports
Sun May 14 04:10:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 could this be the ever-popular Florida Man? https://t.co/QbnNS0Yc9p
— @skotchandsoda
Sun May 14 04:09:32 +0000 2017
There's a Hostage Situation in Congress. They've Got a Front Page Nipple Photo
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat May 13 19:12:36 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 and soon, i'm going to be broke in a few months. absolutely anything helps at this point. thank you.
— @velartrill
Sat May 13 17:24:57 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 since i'm a crippled wreck of a human being, this is my only source of income, and right now i'm ba… https://t.co/Zhr3P4fkb0
— @velartrill
Sat May 13 17:24:46 +0000 2017
hey so if you enjoy @ApprovedNews6, please consider stopping by https://t.co/76qHXTXxht and making a small monthly pledge. even $1 helps.
— @velartrill
Sat May 13 17:24:17 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Hundreds of Stern Figures in Labcoats, Gas Masks Forcibly Occupy Vampire State Building
Sat May 13 09:16:53 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Why the Ultrapope of the Wailing Church Must Issue An Apology to She Who Throttles the Dawn
Sat May 13 04:38:54 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, Razortooth Shriekling Gnaws Frantically on Cage Bars, Deafens Reporters With Piercing Shriek
Sat May 13 03:24:38 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Dems Relent, Allow Trump's Appointment of a Razortooth Shriekling to Supreme Court
Sat May 13 03:19:56 +0000 2017
Your Constant Masturbation Is Ruining Your Favorite Books
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat May 13 03:11:08 +0000 2017
Pressed on Impact for Ongoing "Project Scowling Lizard," White House Press Secretary Spicer Stares at Reporter, Hisses
Sat May 13 03:09:28 +0000 2017
Hillary Clinton, Charles J. Bloodhorn Join Obama to Commemorate Founding of Grinning Lizard Institute
Sat May 13 03:07:46 +0000 2017
Barack Obama Founds Charitable Organization to Continue "Project Grinning Lizard" as Private Citizen
Sat May 13 03:04:00 +0000 2017
Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo Warns Discontinued Item #7 Heist "Likely Connected" to "Operation Euripides"
Sat May 13 03:03:03 +0000 2017
"How Many Have You Killed?" Pressed for Comment on Heist, Wyoming Governor's Spokesman Grips Podium, Stares Hungrily At Reporters
Sat May 13 03:01:02 +0000 2017
Wyoming Stockpile of "Discontinued Item #7" Raided by Unknown Forces
Sat May 13 02:58:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 they were built at an asstronomical cost to provide a double bumper against such events, but apparently they didn't twerk
— @Chirurgic
Sat May 13 02:56:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Did the buttresses fail?
— @Chirurgic
Sat May 13 02:55:02 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic Pleads For Disasster Relief, Internasstional Aid After Major Catasstrophe
Sat May 13 02:48:11 +0000 2017
Wrathful Crime God Smites 7 Police Hives
Sat May 13 02:04:55 +0000 2017
Well, actually... https://t.co/ECMhEf461L
— @orzelc
Fri May 12 21:54:58 +0000 2017
Stern Figures in Lab Coats, Gas Masks Gather Outside White House, Briskly Taking Notes on Clipboards
Fri May 12 20:36:24 +0000 2017
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Pressed for Comment: "Mansplaining Is When A Man Lectures Somebody About Their Own Field of Expertise"
Fri May 12 10:19:07 +0000 2017
Republican Bill Before Congress Would Legalize Mansplaining
Fri May 12 10:14:26 +0000 2017
@GeorgeWHerbert @GravityPike @ApprovedNews6 @Chirurgic @AxelBordelon People always confuse Rosebud and Rosebud’s Monster
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu May 11 16:40:23 +0000 2017
@GravityPike @ApprovedNews6 @AndrewNCassidy @Chirurgic @AxelBordelon Look, Rosebud's not the radio flyer, it's the radio flyer *demon*.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu May 11 16:40:20 +0000 2017
@AndrewNCassidy @Chirurgic @AxelBordelon @ApprovedNews6 look, redacted text is just unknowable, like why the sky is… https://t.co/Bzr9eLVo0B
— @GravityPike
Thu May 11 16:28:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Low-battery warning.
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu May 11 16:28:42 +0000 2017
@Chirurgic @AxelBordelon @ApprovedNews6 or any alphabet
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu May 11 08:04:31 +0000 2017
@AxelBordelon @ApprovedNews6 you're assuming the glyphs in question are from the latin alphabet
— @Chirurgic
Thu May 11 08:04:28 +0000 2017
@AxelBordelon @ApprovedNews6 No, it's literally just ██████████████ It's completely unlike ████ or █████████████████████████
— @alarmallama
Thu May 11 08:04:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Censored word is 14 characters... "Director Comey"?
— @AxelBordelon
Thu May 11 04:50:51 +0000 2017
Analysts Warn Derelict Soviet Space Stations May Play "Key Role" in "Operation Euripides"
Wed May 10 22:15:28 +0000 2017
Documents Recovered From ██████████████ Indicate Illuminati Has Commandeered 7 Derelict Soviet Space Stations; Intentions Remain Unknown
Wed May 10 22:15:00 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Lobster Queen Jabs Reporter's Nose With Pincers, Scuttles Rapidly Into Willamette
Wed May 10 20:06:16 +0000 2017
BATTLE OF PORTLAND: Sister Vindicta of the Blood-Soaked Maidens Reports "Conclusive Victory" Over Lobster Queen's Forces
Wed May 10 20:04:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Bill to reclassify all organs as "Non-Vital"
— @jleedev
Wed May 10 18:28:06 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Issues Statement Condemning Organ Harvesting Bill as "Insensitive," "Regressive"
Wed May 10 18:27:49 +0000 2017
Sen. Rassenkampf: Cheap Source of Uncontaminated Organs "VItal" to "Project Scowling Lizard"
Wed May 10 18:24:38 +0000 2017
Sen. Gottfried Rassenkampf (R-KA) Introduces Bill to Remove Mutant Organ Harvesting Restrictions
Wed May 10 18:22:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT: The Great Cincinnati Catastrophe Never Ended
— @jonathankoren
Wed May 10 17:58:21 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Make Your Monthly Pledge Now, Before It Is Too Late https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed May 10 17:50:49 +0000 2017
This blurb from the Washington Post email digest reads like it's straight out of @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/SypOxYzQ4c
— @Electro_Shaman
Wed May 10 17:45:44 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Great Cincinnati Catastrophe Never Happened
Wed May 10 17:27:18 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Great Cincinnati Catastrophe Must Never Be Repeated
Wed May 10 17:26:41 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Great Cincinnati Catastrophe Must Never Be Repeated
Wed May 10 17:26:41 +0000 2017
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Lead Ferocious Assault Against Lobster Queen's Armada
Wed May 10 16:36:09 +0000 2017
Lobster Queen of the Sunless Sea Invades Portland
Wed May 10 16:33:13 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, Obelisk of National Security Displays Only Searing Red Glyph, Slowly Darkens
Tue May 09 23:30:23 +0000 2017
Pressed for Details, Trump Spits Bone Fragments at Reporters, Flees Into D.C. Sewers
Tue May 09 23:28:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ACLU Releases Statement Condemning Government Interference With Civil Privacy, And Also Their Dads Can Beat Up Your Dads.
— @TBSkyen
Tue May 09 23:27:30 +0000 2017
"It's, Look, It's Secret, Okay, We Can't Just Tell You, That's Not How It Works:" Trump Refuses to Reveal Name of Comey's Alleged Successor
Tue May 09 23:26:26 +0000 2017
Gnawing Idly on Comey's Femur, Trump Denies Rumors Name of Next FBI Director "Has Not Revealed Itself" Upon Obelisk of National Security
Tue May 09 23:24:45 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Despite Valiant Effort to Flee, Comey Cornered by Red-Eyed Hounds at Obelisk of National Security, Speedily Eviscerated
Tue May 09 23:20:46 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters for Comment, Comey Issues Blood-Curdling Scream, Redoubles Pace as Pursuing Hounds Rip Into Press Pool
Tue May 09 23:18:11 +0000 2017
White House Confirms Ritual Expulsion of Comey; Replacement to be Appointed Once Comey's Blood Stains the Obelisk of National Security
Tue May 09 23:16:58 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
FBI Director James Comey Chased From FBI Headquarters By Ferocious Pack of Red-Eyed, Emaciated Hounds
Tue May 09 23:14:48 +0000 2017
Kompromom. https://t.co/sGbZMZd58c
— @jamesfraleigh
Tue May 09 23:13:28 +0000 2017
National Security Experts Warn Your Mom May Be Compromised
Tue May 09 23:09:16 +0000 2017
@velartrill BREAKING: 'Emergency' Declared at Haunted Nuclear Plant In Washington
— @4rafn
Tue May 09 23:08:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't want no gene filth in MY neighborhood death squad, no sir!
— @riking27loud
Tue May 09 16:56:19 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: We Know What the Mother of Storms Doesn't About the Conspiracy of the Silver Panopticon!
Tue May 09 05:26:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 A Blast From The Past! https://t.co/5ZuDbHxEKG
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue May 09 04:07:10 +0000 2017
"Beg, Worm;" "Beg and Know the Terror of the Subjugated:" House Dems Outline 2018 Strategy
Tue May 09 03:40:51 +0000 2017
As if we needed more reasons to primary every single elected Democrat who won't break with the party line and take… https://t.co/nJOzmAgKG0
— @listelian
Tue May 09 00:19:56 +0000 2017
Dems Embrace Creation of "Hug Enforcement Administration" to Combat Hug Smuggling
Mon May 08 23:52:12 +0000 2017
Republicans Blame Democrats for Republican Soul Sacrifice
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon May 08 18:14:14 +0000 2017
Secluded Sisters of the Vermiform Crown March on Washington to Demand
REDACTED
Mon May 08 18:01:42 +0000 2017
MIT Professor Charged with Ultracrime Found
REDACTED
Under Suspicious Circumstances
Sun May 07 18:41:25 +0000 2017
"Team Bravo-7, Commence Phase GOLDEN SPARROW, This Is Not A Drill:" Mandrake Pharmaceuticals Dismisses Allegations Against Piratizam Trials
Sun May 07 05:25:18 +0000 2017
Critics Decry FDA's "Rushed" Decision, Warning Drug Trials Linked to "Operation Euripides"
Sun May 07 05:19:02 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents, RIAA Jubilant as FDA Approves World's First Anti-Piracy Drug
Sun May 07 05:16:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 FOLLOW.THE.GOATS.
— @ladyjax
Sat May 06 06:42:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't think you can fly THAT high just on kale. Dude had to be freebasing arugula, or at least radicchio
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat May 06 06:41:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Total fake news. There's no way in hell Sweaty Spice wouldn't have fumbled a sentence that grammatically complex
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat May 06 06:41:46 +0000 2017
@icambron @ApprovedNews6 This kind of overbearing runaway nanny-statism is why Trump won
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat May 06 06:41:38 +0000 2017
"There Are Those Arts Into Which The Wise Pry Not, Kevin:" Press Secretary Spicer Deflects Reporter's Question on Trump's Goat Purchases
Sat May 06 05:11:55 +0000 2017
BREAKING: Fox News Fires ANOTHER Ballistic Missile [VIDEO]
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat May 06 02:09:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 to be clear, "impossibly large hat" isn't a figure of speech in this universe
— @jleedev
Fri May 05 23:20:18 +0000 2017
I saw it with my own eyes https://t.co/wcSSxcoMju
— @noahjmead
Fri May 05 07:58:31 +0000 2017
Oregon Man Ascends Bodily to the Seventh Celestial Paradigm After Severe Kale Overdose
Fri May 05 07:07:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Pain knows no bias which is why the King did what he did.
— @ladyjax
Fri May 05 03:57:25 +0000 2017
There are #diseases hidden in #ice, and they are waking up https://t.co/Z8TqLECWPg via @BBCEarth #climatechange #permafrost #bacteria
— @natmoss
Fri May 05 03:57:11 +0000 2017
Scientists Say: Reading Could Increase Risk of Measles
— @sciencesuggests
Fri May 05 03:45:35 +0000 2017
Pain King Accused of "Partisan Bias" After Pain Citadels Abduct Dozens of Republican Lawmakers
Fri May 05 03:45:15 +0000 2017
7 Reasons the Dancing Man Cannot Be Killed
Fri May 05 03:26:51 +0000 2017
Wisconsin's Dumb Governor May Have Psychic Abilities
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri May 05 03:15:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 EXPERT: Regulations mandate that non-profit death squads maintain standards-compliant neural targeting implants.
— @icambron
Thu May 04 23:22:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 (Because You're One of Them)
— @LuxuryTweeting
Thu May 04 23:19:06 +0000 2017
@icambron @ApprovedNews6 I approve of this. We should eschew these enhancements. Natural Death or No Death!
— @ladyjax
Thu May 04 22:55:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Other Charities Pledge To Only Use Pure, Naturally Evolved Death Squads With No Cybernetic Enhancements
— @icambron
Thu May 04 22:53:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 A SECRET MESSAGE IS HIDDEN WITHIN THIS HEADLINE https://t.co/rHEiCsopDK
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu May 04 22:48:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Bloodthorn International Charities are a scam on working people. WE CAN DO BETTER!
— @ladyjax
Thu May 04 22:47:43 +0000 2017
"Mutants Have The Same Right to Participate in Paramilitary Brutality As You And I:" CJBI Spokeswoman Dismisses Criticism as "Prejudiced"
Thu May 04 22:47:30 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Criticized for Use of Mutant Death Squads
Thu May 04 22:45:23 +0000 2017
Grinning Hungrily, Eyes Obscured by Impossibly Large Hat, Nancy Pelosi Characterizes Republican Healthcare Bill as "Good for Bitcoin"
Thu May 04 22:44:51 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
All Survivors of the Third Impact Gathering at Lost City Deep in Appalachian Woods
Thu May 04 22:32:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Bitcoin is already perfect and cannot be improved upon. Those who say otherwise are la… https://t.co/eC8eFlDplf
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Thu May 04 22:31:07 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Operation Euripides is Good for Bitcoin
Thu May 04 20:42:38 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on CNN Coup, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Nowhere to be Found
Thu May 04 20:32:40 +0000 2017
Masked Gunman: CNN Ruling Junta "Controlled by Otherworldly Forces;" "Had to be Eliminated" to Ensure Fair, Balanced Reporting
Thu May 04 20:32:04 +0000 2017
Speaking to Cowed Subordinates, Comandante Guttiérrez Vows to Uncover True Meaning, Purpose of "Operation Euripides"
Thu May 04 20:31:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Special Correspondent Juanita Gutiérrez of CNN Launches Coup With Masked Gunman, Executes Network's Ruling Junta by Firing Squad
Thu May 04 20:28:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I don't care what anyone says, Masked Gunman has always been on the side of truth. He does what must be done for the people
— @LucyRomana
Thu May 04 20:24:08 +0000 2017
Reached for Comment on Potential Successors, Obama's Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Hides Under Reporter's Shirt
Thu May 04 19:11:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/m4tzWlI4Cb
— @mcclure111
Thu May 04 19:04:47 +0000 2017
Analysts: "It Is As Was Foretold" in "Prophecy of the Great Cockroach" by "Oracle of Whispering Sands"
Thu May 04 19:04:23 +0000 2017
Analysts: Senate Dems "Playing Right Into
Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Mervin Moongristle's Hands"
Thu May 04 19:02:54 +0000 2017
Democrats Invoke Dread Parliamentary Rites to Block Trump's Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Nominee
Thu May 04 19:01:45 +0000 2017
Illuminati Calls Press Conference on Operation Euripides; Journalists Arrive to Find Entire Secret Illuminati Fortress Deserted
Thu May 04 16:53:38 +0000 2017
In Act of Profound Moral Cowardice, CNN Junta Refuses to Fire Masked Gunman
Thu May 04 07:17:08 +0000 2017
Great Council of Newslords Slams Masked Gunman's "Utter Lack of Journalistic Integrity"
Thu May 04 07:13:59 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
The Mandrake Dossier Stolen from News Vaults by Masked Gunman
Thu May 04 07:12:39 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
There's No Such Thing As Operation Euripides, And You're Probably Working For The Russians
Thu May 04 05:26:48 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Release of Unknown Compound Alpha Was Engineered by the Illuminati as Part of Operation Euripides
Thu May 04 05:26:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 what a lie. that shit is vaporware. it'll never happen
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu May 04 05:19:08 +0000 2017
Approached by Press, Commander
REDACTED
of Substation 77 Suddenly Obscured by Redaction Bars, Visual Haze
Thu May 04 05:18:57 +0000 2017
Substation 77 Warns "Unknown Compound Alpha" Has Been "Released Into Civilian Population" by "As-Yet Unidentified Actors"
Thu May 04 05:17:36 +0000 2017
OPINION:
For Many Women, Patriarchy Is Empowering
Thu May 04 00:44:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ngl, this secret underground government facility is an incredibly realistic reproduction of the aboveground
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed May 03 23:08:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 number 6 shocked me. it was me!
— @joe_no_privacy
Wed May 03 23:06:14 +0000 2017
Scientists Discover Your Car Keys on Mars
— @sciencesuggests
Wed May 03 22:00:55 +0000 2017
7 People You'll Never Believe Have Been Imprisoned in a Secret Underground Government Facility for Centuries
Wed May 03 22:00:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 What about the Bane Unto The Dead Act?
— @insomniacity
Wed May 03 16:57:33 +0000 2017
Six sparks each with six spheres? Attn @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/pZSkCAYpB1
— @melshubs
Wed May 03 16:55:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OK yeah I see how that could be annoying but I'm brimming with self-assurance and I'm knee-deep in wombats
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed May 03 09:35:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Look, it needed to be done, OK? Let's not be babies about it. And how many of us are going to actually miss Nebraska?
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed May 03 09:35:03 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And you should worry about that.
— @algo_anthill
Wed May 03 03:46:28 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Anxiety May Attract Swarms of Insects, Feral Dogs
Wed May 03 03:44:27 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Have You Suffered Persistent Soul Failure Due to Improperly Consecrated Drywall? You May Be Owed Cursed Fairy Gold!
Wed May 03 03:18:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Libertarian Scapulomancers Say Gov't Has No Authority.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed May 03 02:31:20 +0000 2017
Arkansas Stiffens Penalties for Impersonating an Oracle, Unlicensed Bone Sorcery
Wed May 03 02:27:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 TANGENT: Waffles
— @TopherGrey
Tue May 02 23:22:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT: Maybe?
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Tue May 02 23:13:09 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
No
Tue May 02 23:12:12 +0000 2017
OPNION: Yes
Tue May 02 23:12:05 +0000 2017
Everything You Need to Know About the Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold's Feud with the Blind Monks of the Wandering Tower
Tue May 02 23:09:16 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: The Hive-Queen of the Invisible Orchestra is Out for Blood ― Here's Why You Should Be Too
Tue May 02 22:41:43 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Gender is For Losers
Tue May 02 21:44:03 +0000 2017
Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Jessiffer Milligan Calls Press Conference, Angrily Lectures Reporters Through Mouthfuls of Raw Beef
Tue May 02 21:36:35 +0000 2017
What the Milgram Experiment Can Teach Us About Parenting
Tue May 02 20:04:20 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Councilors Washed Away by Sudden Tide, As Thunder Rolls in the Distance
Tue May 02 19:14:55 +0000 2017
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Cancels Festival of Whispers Due to "Dire Augury"
Tue May 02 19:14:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Dammit! We have a Zero China Policy for a reason!
— @usr_local_share
Tue May 02 16:46:09 +0000 2017
Trump Admission "Unprecedented Among American Presidents," Say Sources: "Yea, Even Unto the Ancient Times"
Tue May 02 16:45:54 +0000 2017
In Shocking Gaffe, Trump Admits that China Exists
Tue May 02 16:44:20 +0000 2017
Historically more of a Democratic constituency. Bold move. https://t.co/mTgXA4uOC0
— @derwolfanwalt
Tue May 02 16:31:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You won't believe (or survive) #4!
— @TopherGrey
Tue May 02 06:48:31 +0000 2017
"We've Got to Find Them First:" Democrats Dismiss Republican Bill as "Impractical"
Tue May 02 05:15:14 +0000 2017
Republicans Propose Constitutional Amendment to Extend Voting Rights to the Dead
Tue May 02 05:14:14 +0000 2017
7 Amazing Ways You Can Use Industrial Coolant for Evil
Tue May 02 03:25:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 finally something that can stand up to Trump in the next Republican primaries.
— @VECTORCITIES
Tue May 02 00:33:56 +0000 2017
Experts: "Substance 7" Over 10 Times Stronger than Industry-Standard Subway Grime, Induces Vomiting through Visual Contact at 50 Paces
Tue May 02 00:22:47 +0000 2017
Filth Scientists Synthesize World's Most Disgusting Substance
Tue May 02 00:15:15 +0000 2017
Great Council of Newslords Orders Intern Pool Decimated After Misuse of Official Twitter Feed
Mon May 01 22:40:07 +0000 2017
President-Erect of the Erotican Repubic Vows to Get "Hard-On Crime"
Mon May 01 22:17:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: This Is the Wrong Time for Get-Soft-On-Crime Policies. Leave Dismemberment In Place
— @icambron
Mon May 01 22:16:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: Keelhauling is a more fitting punishment for such crimes and many more, up to and including regicide
— @ZatchDeutsch
Mon May 01 22:04:28 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Reintroduce Flaying as Punishment for Zoning Violations
Mon May 01 21:59:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Details, NSA Spokesman Staples Redaction Bars to Reporters' Foreheads
Mon May 01 19:07:05 +0000 2017
NSA Warns "A Particular Individual" Has Done "An Impossible Thing," Recommends All Americans Take "Appropriate Actions"
Mon May 01 19:06:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the Straights are much more dire than the Straits tbh, can't someone bump them off instead?
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Mon May 01 11:54:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 PSA: The Blind Council is Always Watching
— @insomniacity
Mon May 01 11:51:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Shadow People don't have faces. They go where they please.
— @IncookieCook
Mon May 01 11:49:46 +0000 2017
Catastopharch of the Dire Straits Narrowly Survives Alleged CIA Assassination Attempt
Mon May 01 05:02:16 +0000 2017
Study: Millennials Facing "Epidemic" of Early-Onset Immortality
Mon May 01 04:59:44 +0000 2017
"Upon That Day the Heavens Shall Buckle Beneath the Lamentations of the Damned:" Democrats Unveil 2018 Strategy
Mon May 01 04:55:17 +0000 2017
"Let Their Corpses Fester & Swell 'til They Blot Out the Very Sun:" Congressional Republicans Introduce New Healthcare Bill
Mon May 01 04:48:45 +0000 2017
"Use Your Hands, Use Your Sinews, Use Your Teeth:" Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Calls on Supporters to Destroy Key Infrastructure
Mon May 01 04:46:33 +0000 2017
Strange Glass Ziggurats Rising from Minneapolis Intersections Beginning to Fill With "Luminous Fog"
Mon May 01 04:43:44 +0000 2017
Trump Denies Rumors of Secret Meeting with Council of Whispers, Faceless Adjutant
Mon May 01 04:41:54 +0000 2017
I miss Secretary of Blood, Sex & Death Kingsley Hellthrash. At least we knew that whatever we were subjected to, it… https://t.co/20ioxghzYF
— @chas_lovett
Mon May 01 04:38:10 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Mervin Moongristle Orders Reporters "Probed Mercilessly"
Mon May 01 04:38:04 +0000 2017
Department of Blood, Sex, & Death Criticized for "Punitive" Use of Brain Probe Authority Under Trump
Mon May 01 04:35:05 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Your Face, If You Keep Nosing Around Here, Asking Funny Questions
Mon May 01 04:29:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon May 01 04:27:11 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Oh, Quiet, You Baby, We Haven't Even Gotten to the Good Part Yet
Mon May 01 04:25:45 +0000 2017
OPINION:
AGONIZED SCREAMS
Mon May 01 04:04:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 New? This is basically just a replication of the study done by Ripley et al (1979).
— @qsnoof
Mon May 01 04:04:20 +0000 2017
New Study: "OH GOD," "JESUS, NO," "TOO MANY LEGS," "OH GOD, GET IT OFF ME"
Mon May 01 03:44:01 +0000 2017
7 Reasons All is Lost - #4 Was Exactly As You Feared It Would Be
Sun Apr 30 20:24:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @tdfischer_ https://t.co/IOSyAtEuBw
— @chlorelium
Sun Apr 30 20:23:40 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
I'd Like to See You Try, Old Man
Sun Apr 30 19:35:04 +0000 2017
OPINION:
I Won't Let You Get Away This Time!
Sun Apr 30 19:34:31 +0000 2017
High on Fractal Meth, Florida Man Topples Radiant Pillar of the Vengeful Sun, Rampages Through Catacombs of the Whispering Prince
Sun Apr 30 18:15:20 +0000 2017
radical. lunar. terror. why won't obama say it? https://t.co/8xiZnQOX4n
— @8Fourteen
Sun Apr 30 17:11:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @addamschloe ORBIT YOUR ASS RIGHT BACK BEHIND US I ONLY WANNA SEE YOU AT NIGHT
— @DaDiDaDIDum
Sun Apr 30 17:11:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @addamschloe NO ONE CAN BE ABOVE AMERICA NOT EVEN THE MOOOON
— @DaDiDaDIDum
Sun Apr 30 16:46:12 +0000 2017
100% correct https://t.co/NZ7dWOTxh0
— @HKesvani
Sun Apr 30 16:44:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Evacuees urged to move deeper inland, faster, don't stop.
— @martijaxn
Sun Apr 30 07:43:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Isle of Lesbos Mobilises Emergency Cleanup Crews, Urges Inhabitants to Stay Indoors For Duration of Crisis
— @MegatronusRex
Sun Apr 30 06:57:11 +0000 2017
Thousands Jizzplaced After Oil Skanker Sexplodes Off Coast of Erotican Repubic
Sun Apr 30 06:54:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Is Exxon truly an ally of the looming void. I submit no.
— @mcclure111
Sun Apr 30 05:19:14 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Prophetess of the Looming Void Brandishes Ebon Scepter of the Wailing Abyss, Demands Ritual of Appeasement
Sun Apr 30 05:17:14 +0000 2017
Prophetess of the Looming Void Criticized for Ten Thousand-Dollar Exxon Appearance
Sun Apr 30 05:10:16 +0000 2017
Steve Bannon Briefly Released From High School Locker to be Subjected to PE Class
Sun Apr 30 05:03:49 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 Violently Inserts Tracking Chip in Reporter's Neck
Sun Apr 30 04:53:11 +0000 2017
"The Gentlebot From Florida Will Sit Down And Stop Vaporizing Its Colleagues:" Senate Majority Leader Slams Sen. XL333012 (R-FL)
Sun Apr 30 04:51:50 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Impossibly Deep Voice in Men's Bathrooms Nationwide Sued After Series of Racist Tirades
Sun Apr 30 04:48:44 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT: Stop Being Such a Racist https://t.co/VHljGbbsnI
— @listelian
Sun Apr 30 04:45:47 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Synthetic Hugs a Dire Threat to International Flesh Purity
Sun Apr 30 04:42:24 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Support Our Brave, Doomed Reporters With a Monthly Contribution https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Sat Apr 29 23:34:45 +0000 2017
New Study: "Quit Bitching, Snowflake, And Clean This Mess Up," "Jesus, What A Fucking Baby"
Sat Apr 29 23:31:02 +0000 2017
"Oh God," Industry Insiders Suggest: "Oh Jesus, I Never Wanted This, I'm So Sorry, I Never Meant For Any Of This To Happen, I Swear"
Sat Apr 29 23:28:32 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Alright, You Asked For It
Sat Apr 29 23:28:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: "You and What Army, Scum"
— @joe_no_privacy
Sat Apr 29 23:26:17 +0000 2017
Report: "Get The Hell Out Of My Way, Punk," "I'm Not Warning You Again"
Sat Apr 29 23:24:40 +0000 2017
Experts: "Don't Do It, Man," "You're Going Too Far This Time"
Sat Apr 29 23:23:01 +0000 2017
"I Will Fuck You Up," Say Sources: "Do You Have Any Idea Who You're Fucking With, Kid"
Sat Apr 29 23:21:47 +0000 2017
EXPERTS: https://t.co/FTQZ8zYNuj
Sat Apr 29 17:35:22 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Trump, Delirious from Blood Loss After Being Mauled by Tiger, Accidentally Vetoes Bill to Classify Sex as Controlled Substance
Sat Apr 29 17:26:25 +0000 2017
Democrats: Bill to Classify Sex as a Controlled Substance "Bad for Handjobs"
Sat Apr 29 17:17:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 So college Republicans still won't have to go to the doctor?
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sat Apr 29 17:14:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Sen Chip Pervinius IV (R-Moon) added a rider exempting members of Congress from the bill & declaring… https://t.co/EsPrRJRg0g
— @cveidson
Sat Apr 29 17:12:10 +0000 2017
Bill Will Require Medical Supervision Only for Human-Mutant Couples https://t.co/C7BhTeEfw6
Sat Apr 29 17:11:27 +0000 2017
If Signed Into Law by Trump, Republican Bill Will Require Doctors to Guarantee "Reproductive Purpose" Before Authorizing Sex
Sat Apr 29 17:07:54 +0000 2017
Republicans Vote in Favor of Bill Requiring a Doctor's Prescription for Sex
Sat Apr 29 15:33:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I've thought this for a long time. Nice that someone has the guts to say it.
— @_rachelhartman
Sat Apr 29 01:31:47 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Moon Has Got to Go
Sat Apr 29 01:00:33 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Vermont Dreadlord-in-Exile Theodore Blitzenreich Banished from Italy After Failed Attempt to Infiltrate Library of Shadows
Fri Apr 28 23:49:56 +0000 2017
New Study Warns Children as Young as 10 Exploiting the Working Classes
Fri Apr 28 23:46:03 +0000 2017
SCANDAL: Republican Congressman Caught on Tape Describing Disabled Survivors of Bowling Green Massacre as "Welfare Queens"
Fri Apr 28 22:49:03 +0000 2017
High on Butane & Severely Irradiated, Florida Man Deposes Sorcerer-King of El Salvador
Fri Apr 28 21:54:04 +0000 2017
Senate Votes to Confirm Avatar of Putrefaction as Secretary of
REDACTED
Fri Apr 28 17:49:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is heresy if ever there was. https://t.co/4UWptxXOq7
— @jleedev
Fri Apr 28 17:06:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Hopefully they can use the resources of the Amazon to help liberate Seattle from the silicon clutches of Amazon
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Thu Apr 27 23:20:07 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Brazil Surrenders to Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Thu Apr 27 22:11:55 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Thwart the Great Archfungus With This One Simple Injection, Discovered by a Bone Sorceress Supreme
Thu Apr 27 19:54:58 +0000 2017
Enormous Sentient Swastika Looming Over DC Accuses Opponents of Nazism
Thu Apr 27 19:21:05 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn Defends Decision to Detonate 5-Megaton Nuclear Device Over São Paulo, Urges Brazil to Surrender
Thu Apr 27 19:10:18 +0000 2017
After Weeks of Brutal Urban Warfare, Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Nukes São Paulo
Thu Apr 27 19:06:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Unlike other vandalized concepts, hope has proven too heavy to be removed for professional restoration.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Thu Apr 27 19:05:01 +0000 2017
Street Artists Vandalize the Concept of Hope
Thu Apr 27 17:54:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Pfft, Assroaches. I'll seek them out for theological recommendations after the next time they make it to seminifinals.
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Apr 27 14:41:15 +0000 2017
Beleagured Shriekball Team the Florida Assroaches Faces Federal Prosecution for Alleged Promotion of Fungus Worship
Wed Apr 26 17:26:51 +0000 2017
"I HUNGER:" Pressed on Russian Connections, Trump Unhinges Jaw, Devours Small Child Whole
Wed Apr 26 16:28:59 +0000 2017
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/uebrkmTCW5 ?
— @hikari_no_yume
Wed Apr 26 02:44:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/E8Sihn7akb
— @insomniacity
Tue Apr 25 22:21:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I miss when shrieking shadow things screamed real portents of doom rather than clickbait.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue Apr 25 05:15:37 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, Enormous Toad Levitating in Skies Above Fairfax, VA Details Its Upcoming Art Show, Disappears Among the Clouds
Tue Apr 25 05:14:46 +0000 2017
@joe_no_privacy @ApprovedNews6 Yeah! Damn straight! I bet it wasn't even instantiated in this topological space. Le… https://t.co/x6DxrwEhCI
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Apr 25 02:05:36 +0000 2017
Enormous Toad Seen Levitating Peacefully in Sky Above Fairfax, VA
Tue Apr 25 01:12:28 +0000 2017
President-Erect of Erotican Repubic Condemns Sex Island Dicktator's "Uncuntstitutional Edickt," Calls for International Spanktions
Mon Apr 24 20:46:46 +0000 2017
As Tension Rises, Dicktator of the Sex Islands Strips Key Civil Rights From Natural-Porn Slutizens in Name of National Securititty
Mon Apr 24 20:43:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 smdh the sixfold orb isn't even a real orb, it's just a fucking polyhedron badly imitating an oblate spheroid
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Apr 24 20:43:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 smdh the sixfold orb isn't even a real orb, it's just a fucking polyhedron badly imitating an oblate spheroid
— @joe_no_privacy
Mon Apr 24 20:43:02 +0000 2017
SOCIETY: Adherents of the Sixfold Orb Proclaim Eon of the Whispering Mantis
Mon Apr 24 20:33:05 +0000 2017
Democrats Outraged by Trump Nomination, Cite Avatar of Putrefaction's "Close Ties" to Sovereign Citizen Movement
Mon Apr 24 20:23:24 +0000 2017
Trump Nominates Avatar of Putrefaction to Replace Disgraced Secretary of
REDACTED
Mon Apr 24 20:06:40 +0000 2017
Letter To The Editor: You'll Never Catch Me, Copper https://t.co/aoV0NCCwHd
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Apr 24 19:55:17 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
|
OPINION:
FBI! You're Under Arrest! https://t.co/3el11qdeie
Mon Apr 24 18:44:23 +0000 2017
"Time Travel Hasn't Worked in Months:" Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo Dismisses Rumored 1944 Meetings as "Implausible"
Sun Apr 23 21:30:21 +0000 2017
Trump Refuses to Comment on Rumors of Secret Trans-Temporal Meetings with Adolf Hitler in 1944
Sun Apr 23 21:25:57 +0000 2017
Unrepentant Time-Traveling Nazis Defend Illegal Voting in 2016 Election, Imply Secret Plans to Alter Timeline https://t.co/lsX4Mvw7kr
Sun Apr 23 21:23:26 +0000 2017
New Evidence Suggests Thousands of Time -Traveling Nazis May Have Voted Illegally in 2016
Sat Apr 22 21:55:15 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Evade the Carnival of Blood With This One Weird Trick, Discovered by a Shrieking Shadow Thing
Sat Apr 22 18:23:43 +0000 2017
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Makes Surprise Appearance Before Hexas State Legislature
Sat Apr 22 18:03:29 +0000 2017
This Silicon Valley Startup Has a Plan to Use Waterboarding, Electroshock Therapy to End Poverty
Sat Apr 22 17:33:02 +0000 2017
Approached for Comment by Reporters, Entire Social Security Administration Sinks Slowly Into the Earth
Sat Apr 22 08:08:49 +0000 2017
Speaking in Solidarity with Bowling Green Survivors, Fairy Queen Recites Whimsical Poem, Transforms Reporters Into Small Forest Animals
Sat Apr 22 07:52:21 +0000 2017
Report: Many Bowling Green Survivors Facing Heavy Medical Bills, Full Costs of Ongoing Therapy
Sat Apr 22 07:51:10 +0000 2017
Survivors of Bowling Green Massacre, Unable to Return to Work, Denied Disability Benefits
Sat Apr 22 07:49:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 He just can't leave campaign mode
— @timserpas
Sat Apr 22 01:06:41 +0000 2017
Trump: American People "Need to See We're Holding People Accountable," "They Need to See the Blood, Steve," "They Need to Hear the Screams"
Sat Apr 22 00:55:11 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Brandishing Bloodstained Parchment Covered in Forsaken Runes, Trump Replaces Dr. Jessiffer Milligan With Dr. Jessiffer Milligan
Sat Apr 22 00:54:14 +0000 2017
Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Jessiffer Milligan Breaks Vows to Speak to Reporters Only Through Kazoo in Order to Deny Having Made Any Such Vow
Sat Apr 22 00:52:59 +0000 2017
Trump Commissions, Eats Clone of Self
Sat Apr 22 00:51:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Fascinating Glimpse Of The Fundamental Building Blocks of Reality As Various Quarkdemeanors Recombin… https://t.co/UeZCssWUtJ
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Apr 22 00:23:17 +0000 2017
Speaking to Press, Trump Throws Back Head As Millions of Flies Pour From Mouth, Ears
Fri Apr 21 23:37:34 +0000 2017
Archfiend Shaggarath the Abominable Awards Honorary Citizenship of Hell to Donald Trump for "Heroic Efforts" to Improve Diplomatic Relations
Fri Apr 21 23:36:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Felonies measured with energies over 12 giga-extortion-volts
— @AndrewNCassidy
Fri Apr 21 23:22:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Unfortunately hypercriminals can only be held by handcuffs made of cosmic strings.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Apr 21 23:22:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Deep Metacrime Detector Array is getting ready for deployment in the beamline.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Apr 21 23:22:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Report: sinkhole frequency around Microsoft offices increasing slightly.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Apr 21 23:21:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Dark president of shadow republic states: "I can't see what the big deal is" https://t.co/FgeFM3nR0p
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Apr 21 23:21:24 +0000 2017
As Profits Plummet, Microsoft Hell to be Discontinued
Fri Apr 21 23:05:47 +0000 2017
Scientists at Large Felony Collider Confirm Existence of Hypercrime
Fri Apr 21 20:57:19 +0000 2017
Dark President Lucio Violasanto of Italian Shadow Republic Reportedly "Ambivalent" About Blitzenreich Visit
Fri Apr 21 17:50:46 +0000 2017
Seeking Backing of Regional Overlords, Vermont Dreadlord-in-Exile Theodore Blitzenreich to Visit Shadow Republic of Italy
Fri Apr 21 17:45:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ANALYSIS: Partnering with Mercenaires Sans Frontiers was crucial to Bloodhorn pledge drive effort.
— @melshubs
Fri Apr 21 06:41:30 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Concludes Military Conquest of Malta, Appoints Occupational Governor
Fri Apr 21 05:17:04 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Joke's on You, Big Guy, I Haven't Even Got a Brain
Fri Apr 21 05:11:30 +0000 2017
OPINION:
I Want Your Brain
Fri Apr 21 05:10:22 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
The Egg Has Hatched
Fri Apr 21 03:35:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: You Do Not Exist
— @EugeneIpavec
Fri Apr 21 01:47:54 +0000 2017
Don't Let Your Kids Pee in Your Food!
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Apr 20 19:25:38 +0000 2017
Cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/xZu6f6kxTi
— @ravikanodia
Thu Apr 20 16:20:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/3siALSOH0e
— @KathrynVie
Thu Apr 20 16:19:48 +0000 2017
Bill Before Congress Would Outlaw Itself
Thu Apr 20 14:26:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And the Whispering Prince was an adulterer and tax cheat.
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Apr 20 06:35:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I am SO sick of this elite-media bias against the Seventh Defiler. He was the best Defiler of our lifetimes, OK?
— @EugeneIpavec
Thu Apr 20 06:35:05 +0000 2017
Children as young as 10 are abusing perfume
— @ParentsWarnings
Thu Apr 20 05:28:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 pfft, all the kids are doing Dioxygen difluoride now
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu Apr 20 05:06:46 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents: Top Signs Your Teen May Be Abusing Chlorine Trifluoride "Being on Fire," "Screaming," "Fourth-Degree Burns"
Thu Apr 20 04:42:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: This Vicious Slander Can Only Have Come From the Lowest of Scum
— @joe_no_privacy
Thu Apr 20 04:11:45 +0000 2017
OPINION:
I'm a Terrible Person
Thu Apr 20 04:09:25 +0000 2017
RELATED: FDA May Reschedule Methanol, Melarsoprol, & Rocket Fuel Due to Rising Abuse by Teenagers
Wed Apr 19 23:45:22 +0000 2017
Rising Recreational Use of Chlorine Trifluoride "Deeply Concerning" to DEA
Wed Apr 19 23:42:17 +0000 2017
ugh @oreillyfactor's statement just shows that he hasn't learned ANYTHING https://t.co/T4p4Q7aIKO
— @ShutUpAndrosky
Wed Apr 19 22:14:58 +0000 2017
Prosecutors Allege Horse Laundering in Samsung Bribery Trial
— @substitute
Wed Apr 19 18:37:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You May Have Never Looked if We Hadn't Warned You, Study Concludes.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Wed Apr 19 18:25:38 +0000 2017
Experts: "For the Love of God, Man, Don't Look Behind You"
Wed Apr 19 17:21:54 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Syria, Press Secretary Spicer Paints Five-Sided Square on Press Room Wall, Flees as Reporters Held Rapt
Wed Apr 19 13:48:13 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Silence ! Nous Arrêter ? Nous Sommes Invincibles, Pauvre Con
Wed Apr 19 12:50:14 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The French Must Be Stopped
Wed Apr 19 12:46:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Alternative research suggests that with some difficulty you may escape, but you will soon find that… https://t.co/o939c6Rf0r
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Apr 17 04:11:10 +0000 2017
Experts: Dr. Jephremiah Blutkampf's "Defilers of the God-Machine" Paints "Crude, Inaccurate" Picture of Seventh Defiler, Whispering Prince
Mon Apr 17 00:53:38 +0000 2017
New Documentary "Defilers of the God-Machine: The Journey of the Seventh Deceiver" Meets Critical Reviews From Historians
Mon Apr 17 00:47:24 +0000 2017
"It Is Pointless to Flee," Experts Report
Sun Apr 16 23:51:53 +0000 2017
New Study: There Is No Escape
Sun Apr 16 23:51:26 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Get Your Filthy Hands Off Me, You Psychopath, I'm Going To Get Out Of These Restraints And Then I'm Going To End You
Sun Apr 16 21:15:34 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Would You Just Quit Struggling Already, Honestly, How Am I Supposed to be Getting Useful Data From This
Sun Apr 16 21:14:23 +0000 2017
7 Reasons Your True Name Has Manifested in Grotesque Hieroglyphs Upon the Pinnacle of Eons - #4 Was Just As The Wise Woman Forewarned You
Sun Apr 16 21:13:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/VVQZ4LALWV
— @khymchanur
Sun Apr 16 10:39:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 And when she sees the cameraman she just smiles and gives a jaunty little wave. I just threw up in my mouth.
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Apr 15 08:23:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Jesus Christ. There's tape of her RETURNING A LIBRARY BOOK. It's not even overdue!
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Apr 15 08:23:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Stopping fully at stop signs and yielding to pedestrians IN FULL VIEW OF THE PAPPARAZI? Legal, but… https://t.co/Nw90REslAf
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Apr 15 04:44:39 +0000 2017
Secretary of Crime Forced to Resign After Scandalous Evidence of Law-Abiding Behavior Surfaces
Fri Apr 14 23:15:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Aww heck - resorting to ancient Aztec spells to avoid answering to the press, now?
— @jameshnotts
Fri Apr 14 04:06:47 +0000 2017
Pressed on Use of Ontological Weapons, Press Secretary Spicer Regurgitates Hundreds of Emerald Cockroach Wasps Into Press Pool
Fri Apr 14 02:34:40 +0000 2017
How to Make Sense
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Apr 13 23:12:45 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Kids as Young as Five Getting High on Cursed Breakfast Serial
Thu Apr 13 16:53:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i most certainly did not... it was hundreds, at best...
— @martijaxn
Thu Apr 13 15:27:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 they probably want at least 10 years experience in servitude. I wonder if a master's in subjugation would be applicable.
— @ElizabethBastyr
Thu Apr 13 15:26:44 +0000 2017
Loudspeaker on National Mall Continually Blaring Inscrutable Warnings Since 1894 Falls Suddenly Silent
Thu Apr 13 10:52:09 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Press Drone Emits Blinding White Light, Pacifying All Present to be Led Away By Lurching Figures in Hazmat Suits
Thu Apr 13 07:43:54 +0000 2017
"Your Soul Is Not Your Own," "Relinquish & Serve:" Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Announces New Job Openings
Thu Apr 13 07:41:20 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Queen of Alabama Orders Thousands Emasculated After Online Date Goes Terribly Wrong
Thu Apr 13 07:39:29 +0000 2017
Trump's Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Jessiffer Milligan Demands "Sand Tax," Pulls Reporter's Nose
Thu Apr 13 07:35:21 +0000 2017
Burly Man With Gruesome Tattoos Accosting Visitors to Washington Monument, Demanding True Names, Offering Sage Counsel
Thu Apr 13 07:32:10 +0000 2017
OPINION:
https://t.co/2BCoZr4NIX
Thu Apr 13 07:19:13 +0000 2017
Fucking White People Look the Same
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Apr 12 19:15:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 7 Reasons Why I Don't Have to Listen to these Wild Allegations! Now Good Day to You!
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Apr 11 21:00:39 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: Looking for Work in Eternal Mindless Worship? Invoke Nar-Balzaggaroth the Devourer of Dreams at the Old Oak Tree Tonight!
Tue Apr 11 20:05:49 +0000 2017
7 Signs You Might Be One of Them
Tue Apr 11 20:03:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Didn't they all get warding charms after the last time?
— @tom_forsyth
Tue Apr 11 18:44:26 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of Health & Human Services Disperses Anthrax Into Press Pool
Tue Apr 11 18:28:42 +0000 2017
Bill Before Congress Would Classify Influenza Victims As "Spiritually Inferior," Denying Medicaid Coverage
Tue Apr 11 11:51:42 +0000 2017
At least ONE of the Cabinet members seems well qualified for her actual Department https://t.co/PwhWkoG5JT
— @trochee
Tue Apr 11 06:06:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Spox: "United Airlines wins contract to transport selected AmCits to FEMA camps"
— @DarrylDaugherty
Tue Apr 11 06:05:54 +0000 2017
Recreational Use of Sarin Reaches All-Time High
Tue Apr 11 05:30:02 +0000 2017
"Certain Designated Citizens" May Develop "Unexplained Lacerations, Rashes" in the Coming Weeks, "Should Not Worry," Says White House
Tue Apr 11 05:28:55 +0000 2017
Speaking to Reporters, Secretary Milligan Issues Incomprehensible Statement Through Kazoo
Tue Apr 11 05:11:28 +0000 2017
Despite Rhetoric, Democrats Vote Unanimously to Confirm Trump's Nominee for Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Jessifer Milligan
Tue Apr 11 05:10:14 +0000 2017
Trump Demands Your Head
Tue Apr 11 01:46:38 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Hug Withdrawal Can Be "Life-Threatening" Without Treatment
Mon Apr 10 01:14:42 +0000 2017
High on Homemade Corn Syrup, Florida Man Burglarizes Hundreds of Gas Stations Across the Country in Two-Hour Period
Mon Apr 10 00:51:51 +0000 2017
Normpunk Band "Barefoot & Pregnant" Becomes First to Perform Legally in Hell After Trump Lifts Embargo
Mon Apr 10 00:29:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: "See? What did I fucking tell you?"
— @zacaj_
Mon Apr 10 00:00:38 +0000 2017
"Don't Even Fucking THINK About It," Say Experts: "We're Watching You, So No Funny Business"
Mon Apr 10 00:00:31 +0000 2017
Experts: "Do Not Push That Button"
Sun Apr 09 23:59:56 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Hacks Reporter's Pacemaker
Sun Apr 09 15:22:22 +0000 2017
Fearbot 7947 Vows to Primary Sen. XL333012 (R-FL)
Sun Apr 09 15:17:24 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Impossibly Deep Voice in Men's Bathrooms Nationwide Reciting Unwritten Tract of the Sightless Prince
Sun Apr 09 03:31:33 +0000 2017
SPONSORED: All Units, Stand Down, Contingency Bravo Is No Longer In Effect; I Repeat, Contingency Bravo Is No Longer In Effect
Sun Apr 09 03:23:33 +0000 2017
Experts Agree: The World May Never Be Permitted To Know What You Did Here Today, Boys — But You're All Heroes In My Book
Sun Apr 09 03:22:14 +0000 2017
Pundits: Damn It, Hank, You're Right; Send the Order — Strike Force 27!? My God, You're Still Alive? We Might Just Pull This Off After All
Sun Apr 09 03:18:14 +0000 2017
Polls: With All Due Respect, Ma'am, We Have to Weigh the Viability of the Eurasian Continent Against the Possibility of Scenario BROKEN DAIS
Sun Apr 09 03:15:17 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Protocol Theta Was Never Intended For This Situation, General — Besides, I Haven't Given Up on Strike Force 27 Just Yet
Sun Apr 09 03:11:48 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 CAREER TIPS: She Found This One Weird Trick To Execute Plan Foxtrot-Niner Without Casualties, Enemy Combatants Hate Her!
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Apr 09 03:10:17 +0000 2017
Inside Sources: We Urge You To Enact Protocol Theta At Your Earliest Convenience, Madam Secretary
Sun Apr 09 03:06:42 +0000 2017
Report: Scenario CRIMSON LEGION Has Been Activated; Synchronize All Clocks With Site Charlie-4 & Prepare for Immediate Deployment
Sun Apr 09 03:03:01 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
All "CODEWORD RADON" Personnel Proceed to Designated Locations And Await Further Instructions
Sun Apr 09 03:00:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ANALYSIS: [REDACTED]
— @joe_no_privacy
Sun Apr 09 03:00:17 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Contingency Bravo Is Now In Effect, This Is Not A Drill
Sun Apr 09 02:57:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4YJl69Y6Ea
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Apr 09 01:24:40 +0000 2017
The continual AU provided by @ApprovedNews6 is easily worth $1 a month. Pay to cope with e x i s t e n c e https://t.co/nP5Yu2kOVu
— @viktorwalters
Sat Apr 08 15:23:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I used to enjoy reading the Dead Chronicle. Whatever happened to it? Now it just seems to be Approved News everywhere!
— @insomniacity
Fri Apr 07 17:40:33 +0000 2017
Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Endorses Syria Bearstrike, Urges Use of Ontological Weapons Against Assad Regime
Fri Apr 07 02:17:56 +0000 2017
Despite Risk of Provoking the Shark King of Under-Australia, Trump Orders Bearstrike on Military Targets in Syria
Fri Apr 07 02:11:51 +0000 2017
The Tunnel Beneath the Dead Chronicle Building Is Now Open Again https://t.co/NRaTFvrKtP https://t.co/aEXVxiMVCT
— @swamplot
Thu Apr 06 20:54:29 +0000 2017
@shinyplume @ApprovedNews6 Dateline Hollywood: Embodiment of Nameless Dread Gets Daytime Network Talk Show. Format:… https://t.co/pTJEfqnkPu
— @DarrylDaugherty
Thu Apr 06 15:29:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Great, first the Ashen Doomsphere, now this? How many more metaphysical unliving objects are you going to hire?
— @shinyplume
Thu Apr 06 13:27:27 +0000 2017
Neon Doomsphere Joins Approved News 6 as
REDACTED
Correspondent
Thu Apr 06 12:03:37 +0000 2017
US, EU approve Alabama sale
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu Apr 06 09:09:48 +0000 2017
SCANDAL: Washington Post Columnist Found Abusing Black-Market Opinions
Thu Apr 06 04:06:32 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Rubio Conjures Lesser Bureaucrat Against Reporters, Flees in Zeppelin
Thu Apr 06 04:03:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "We need to stop him, before it's too early!" Urges Senate Minority Leader
— @zacaj_
Thu Apr 06 03:14:28 +0000 2017
Marco Rubio is Aging Backwards, Says Congressman
Thu Apr 06 03:12:48 +0000 2017
Boy, 7, Died at Age 74
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Apr 06 03:12:05 +0000 2017
@AndrewNCassidy @ApprovedNews6 Nice Guys™: "The Moral High Ground is Only Willing to Give Up Territory to Assholes"
— @khymchanur
Wed Apr 05 03:06:48 +0000 2017
@AndrewNCassidy @ApprovedNews6 "Nice Guys" Attempt to Seize Moral High Ground, Suffer Massive Casualties
— @khymchanur
Wed Apr 05 03:06:46 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Many Teens Getting Soft on Crime
Wed Apr 05 01:23:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Screw this. I'm taking my capybara and going home. Good luck unleashing the Unclean Revenant on Pitt… https://t.co/xmyfBeESqA
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Apr 04 16:32:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The invasion of the Friend Zone has begun, awaiting escalation orders from [Redacted] https://t.co/F1Uzx4IN03
— @AndrewNCassidy
Tue Apr 04 16:32:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I'm seriously pissed. I mean, WTF!?! How the hell do I not rate a raven? I'm a third-level Premonitory Hierophant!
— @EugeneIpavec
Tue Apr 04 16:31:58 +0000 2017
Illuminati Spokesman Condemns Council of Twelve's "Saber-Rattling," Urgently Whispers Seven Numbers Into Microphone
Mon Apr 03 19:22:48 +0000 2017
LUMINOUS HEDGEHOG is a go; I say again, we are go for LUMINOUS HEDGEHOG. Release the weaponized capybara and proce… https://t.co/CqkzuVyCDI
— @medicmsh3141
Mon Apr 03 19:19:14 +0000 2017
Council of Twelve Dispatches Thousands of One-Eyed Ravens to Deliver Ominous Proclamations to Seemingly Ordinary Citizens
Mon Apr 03 19:10:52 +0000 2017
Study: Many Companies Switching to "Placebo Paychecks"
Mon Apr 03 17:04:31 +0000 2017
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: We Visit the Slave Harem of Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz — Only on Approved News 6!
Mon Apr 03 07:01:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Pfft. Everybody knows St. [REDACTED] is highly overrated. She barely even [REDACTED] once. The crowd… https://t.co/ZX462TcmFv
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Apr 03 05:01:46 +0000 2017
Florida Man, High on Weapons-Grade Nutmeg, Straddles Pinnacle of the Everlasting Ascent, Mocks Inchoate Masters of the Sevenfold Truth
Mon Apr 03 03:25:51 +0000 2017
AP: Senate Reaches Deal to Avoid "Hellfire" and Convert to Islam
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Apr 03 03:16:40 +0000 2017
Scientists Edge Closer to Endless Source of Blood @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/177S5jw9Ai
— @Jackapedia_
Mon Apr 03 02:51:06 +0000 2017
Trump Criticized for "Self-Centered" Speech Commemorating the Evisceration of St.
REDACTED
Mon Apr 03 02:49:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is a decision that should be between a human host, their arachnologist, and the gravid spider queen
— @3fingeredfox
Sun Apr 02 22:24:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This just means that more and more people will be forced to rely on unsafe, back-alley arachnotherapy providers.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Sun Apr 02 22:21:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Arachnotherapy is just a scam run by Big Spider to harvest fluid for her never ending brood.
— @PithyOrNot
Sun Apr 02 22:21:08 +0000 2017
Fewer & Fewer Insurance Providers Willing to Cover Arachnotherapy
Sun Apr 02 20:56:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 At Press Conference, DeVos Sucks the Oxygen from the Room: 18 Dead
— @3fingeredfox
Sun Apr 02 04:37:53 +0000 2017
What I Learned From The Time I Was Secretly A Horse
— @bottest_takes
Sun Apr 02 04:33:58 +0000 2017
Dimensional Ecologists Warn Failure of April Fools Could Have "Substantial Impact" on
REDACTED
Sun Apr 02 04:32:31 +0000 2017
"They Can't Live Here, They Can't Breathe Here, Not Anymore:" Trump Claims Credit for Neutralization of April Fools
Sun Apr 02 04:31:35 +0000 2017
Inexplicable Deaths of April Fools Before Prank Detonation of Seemingly Internal Injuries "Historically Unprecedented," Report Analysts
Sun Apr 02 04:29:40 +0000 2017
April Fool's Day Reaches End Without Single Successful Prank, Human Death
Sun Apr 02 04:27:10 +0000 2017
Judge: Trump
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Apr 02 04:21:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "After a hard day of writing," said one author "I find by the next day that my fiction has become no… https://t.co/Oc9EQGWdKG
— @jameshnotts
Sun Apr 02 00:40:15 +0000 2017
Writers of Dystopian Sci-fi File Class Action Suit Against Trump for Intellectual Property Infringement
Sun Apr 02 00:32:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It's not like I'm an addict, just using them to take the edge off every once in a while. Not like I'… https://t.co/SdnhSi5lor
— @theredlongitude
Sun Apr 02 00:20:53 +0000 2017
Ron Paul Taken Offline for Routine Maintenance
Sat Apr 01 21:48:36 +0000 2017
New Law Could Mean End of Over-the-Counter Hugs
Sat Apr 01 21:44:12 +0000 2017
...Wait, did we skip over Threat Condition CERISE WOMBAT? ...Oh God. No! That can only mean that they already- https://t.co/W8TS5eTauN
— @EugeneIpavec
Sat Apr 01 21:15:43 +0000 2017
Enraged Dreadlord Seraphina Sturmholz Orders Vermont Dreadguard to Occupy Burlington
Sat Apr 01 20:08:30 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Lady Veronica Schlachtmeister of Burlington Announces Support for Ousted Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich
Sat Apr 01 20:06:59 +0000 2017
but you know they won't add features people are actually asking for, like being able to curse small twitch streamer… https://t.co/ZHor0WnSAF
— @SwooshyCueb
Sat Apr 01 20:04:05 +0000 2017
"We Didn't Honor Our Usual Standard of Evidence, And We're Very Sorry For That:" Secretary of the Blindingly Obvious Recants Russia Warning
Sat Apr 01 20:03:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 and why would you want to? The general miasma and skin crawling feeling of doom is a statement that goes with any outfit.
— @ElizabethBastyr
Sat Apr 01 20:02:32 +0000 2017
Department of the Blinding Obvious Apologizes for "Premature" Warning that Russia Exists
Sat Apr 01 20:01:03 +0000 2017
Warning of Potential "Unseen Foe," Department of Blood, Sex, & Death Moves to Threat Condition "EBON WREN"
Sat Apr 01 19:48:40 +0000 2017
Six More April Fools Confirmed Deceased; No Signs of Struggle Found
Sat Apr 01 19:44:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Any news on badgers? I was promised badgers.
— @thebeardlessone
Sat Apr 01 19:25:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 seems like a long time to wait for this new premium. At least let me control ants and mosquitoes for the summer.
— @ElizabethBastyr
Sat Apr 01 19:25:32 +0000 2017
FASHION: 7 Cursed Pendants You'll Never Be Able to Take Off
Sat Apr 01 19:24:17 +0000 2017
Starting in December, Amazon Prime Members Will Be Able to Control Small Forest Animals
Sat Apr 01 18:54:47 +0000 2017
"Lotta Blood You Got In You, Son," "Be A Shame If Anything Happened To It:" Betsy DeVos Deflects Reporters' Questions
Sat Apr 01 18:46:41 +0000 2017
April Fool Corpse Airlifted to Undisclosed Location for Further Analysis
Sat Apr 01 17:41:38 +0000 2017
"Something is Amiss:" Acting Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Declares "Threat Condition MARBLED PUCE"
Sat Apr 01 17:36:15 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Prank Scientists Report Davenport April Fool "Has Expired;" Cause of Death "Unclear"
Sat Apr 01 17:32:55 +0000 2017
Investigators Report Davenport April Fool Weakened, Bleeding, Wracked by Seizures; "Crawling Resolutely" Towards City Hall
Sat Apr 01 17:32:05 +0000 2017
Department of Blood, Sex, & Death Dispatches Task Force to Investigate Atypical Behavior of Davenport April Fool
Sat Apr 01 17:29:26 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
April Fool Sighting Confirmed in Davenport, Iowa; City Officials Order Immediate Evacuation
Sat Apr 01 17:27:01 +0000 2017
"We've Never Seen This Before:" White House Bone Oracles Warn Meaning of Omen "Shrouded in Mystery"
Sat Apr 01 17:25:08 +0000 2017
April Fool's Day: Washington Urges Caution as Magic Bag of Teeth Passed from President to President Emits Sporadic Bursts of Gamma Radiation
Sat Apr 01 17:23:07 +0000 2017
Militants Have Taken Over Most of My Couch
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Apr 01 07:17:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Egg Hath Hatched Be very afraid.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sat Apr 01 03:41:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This is an early April Fools. There were no survivors.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Apr 01 03:36:06 +0000 2017
TONIGHT AT 11: Survivors of the Great Twitter Catastrophe Tell Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Apr 01 00:18:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Archaeologists Excited By Reappearance USS Implement of Perversion, Announce Joint Dream Excursion W… https://t.co/WOaaWhDHeC
— @MegatronusRex
Fri Mar 31 15:19:26 +0000 2017
12 Ways Destiny Empowers Women
— @bottest_takes
Fri Mar 31 06:22:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I was totally happy with the rest of his policies, but this has to be the last straw. He’s gone too far this time.
— @insomniacity
Thu Mar 30 13:40:50 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/JezYe5COED
— @skotchandsoda
Thu Mar 30 04:55:56 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Wholesale Slaughter of Innocent Citizens Should Be Left to the Private Sector
Thu Mar 30 04:00:48 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Government Is Trying To Kill You And It's Time You Showed Some Gratitude
Thu Mar 30 03:57:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I wouldn't be surprised if she responds with a retroactive hand-shrinking curse or a hair-eating parasitic weasel
— @Chirurgic
Wed Mar 29 21:19:17 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 that level of raw certainty regarding one of the fey could be construed as an assassination attempt
— @Chirurgic
Wed Mar 29 21:16:46 +0000 2017
"Fantastical Nonsense," "Borderline Offensive:" Fairy Queen Issues Blistering Rebuttal Against Trump's Claims of Her Existence
Wed Mar 29 21:14:01 +0000 2017
"What is Wrong With You People:" Trump Shocks Establishment by Claiming Fairy Queen "Real Person" Who "Totally Exists"
Wed Mar 29 21:13:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 MY STORY: I Was Poisoned by a Story on News Poisoning
— @StoryHospital
Wed Mar 29 20:39:38 +0000 2017
News Poisoning Now Leading Cause of Death Among Millennials, Study Warns
Wed Mar 29 18:54:43 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Fungus-Baiting Is Profoundly Irresponsible & Could Lead to Second Spore War
Wed Mar 29 18:52:42 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Fungus-Baiting Is Profoundly Irresponsible & Could Lead to Second Spore War
Wed Mar 29 18:52:42 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Trump's Carelessness Could Lead to Fourth Great Archfungus Epidemic
Wed Mar 29 18:50:51 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Sentient Cactus Terrorizes Tallahassee
Wed Mar 29 18:47:54 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of the Navy Transforms Bodily Into Wrathful Egret
Wed Mar 29 18:44:51 +0000 2017
"It Is Ours Now:" Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Claims Responsibility for Appearance of USS Implement of Perversion in Dreams
Wed Mar 29 18:44:05 +0000 2017
Ironically, many ritual accoutrements - the bone athames, the obscene tapestries, the brazen cauldrons - had to be… https://t.co/cu0TeXwFVX
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Mar 29 18:33:06 +0000 2017
Even the bats were imported from France. https://t.co/2uJtkXGv0A
— @EugeneIpavec
Wed Mar 29 18:32:56 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, May Howls With Malign Laughter, Blood Dripping From Mouth As Thousands of Bats Swarm Woodland Ritual Site
Wed Mar 29 16:27:39 +0000 2017
HM Desdemona: "I Did Not Wrest This Country From Your Pitiful Grasp to Watch Idly as You Schemed Towards Our Destruction"
Wed Mar 29 16:20:51 +0000 2017
Eternal Queen Desdemona I of England "Enraged" After Brexiteer Bone Sorceress Supreme Theresa May Sacrifices Thousands to Invoke Article 50
Wed Mar 29 16:18:37 +0000 2017
Ransoming Unpopular Monarchs "Poor Career Move," Say Experts
Wed Mar 29 05:30:36 +0000 2017
"Okay, Look, Twenty Bucks & You Can Have Him Back," "Be Reasonable Here, Guys, I Got A Dealer to Pay:" Beaver King's Captor Issues Statement
Wed Mar 29 05:28:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 um, actually this is an old story from 2010
— @substitute
Tue Mar 28 22:14:32 +0000 2017
"Will Those Selected For Transcendence Please Step Forward:" Press Secretary Spicer Herds Seven Reporters Into "Glorious Portal"
Tue Mar 28 20:53:47 +0000 2017
@skotchandsoda @ApprovedNews6 Congrats to Florida Man on the mass political change, commiserations on not getting the 25 bucks.
— @jameshnotts
Tue Mar 28 20:49:05 +0000 2017
Trump Orders Construction of Orb Jail
Tue Mar 28 03:48:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 This will be a greater problem if the Beaver Parliament makes a move towards a Beaver Republic while the King is kidnapped.
— @jameshnotts
Tue Mar 28 03:03:59 +0000 2017
High on Homemade Rohypnol, Florida Man Kidnaps Beaver King, Demands $25 Ransom
Tue Mar 28 02:23:56 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Space Hitler Is Good For Bitcoin
Tue Mar 28 01:58:03 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
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Tue Mar 28 01:28:31 +0000 2017
Mad Scientists in Goggles & Labcoats March on D.C. to Protest Proposed Vat Tax
Mon Mar 27 16:04:59 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Control Your Doppelgänger With This One Weird Trick, Discovered by a
REDACTED
Mon Mar 27 15:37:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I made the Circular Cut of Grandiose Ambitions and have never been happier or less prone to weight gain.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Mon Mar 27 08:21:04 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Glorify the Ancients With These 7 Simple Incisions
Mon Mar 27 08:08:17 +0000 2017
"You Won't Believe It's Not
REDACTED
:" Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Announces New Intravenous Substitute for Hope
Mon Mar 27 08:06:31 +0000 2017
7 Things You Didn't Know Have Already Killed You
Mon Mar 27 04:49:53 +0000 2017
[Update] Upon Closer Examination, Those Who Will Be Swept Away By The New Order Found To Be Overrepresented in Rand… https://t.co/e93S4LfKBL
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Mar 27 03:27:52 +0000 2017
@EugeneIpavec @ApprovedNews6 Grandma used to tell me tales of Discontinued Item #2. Even years later, I can't [REDACTED] without crying.
— @flare_director
Mon Mar 27 02:58:09 +0000 2017
LRT @ApprovedNews6 If you click through to the full paper, actual results suggest that your ultimate plan, a work of genius, is unstoppable.
— @listelian
Mon Mar 27 02:57:49 +0000 2017
Paul Ryan Calls Press Conference, Weeps
Mon Mar 27 01:00:55 +0000 2017
Willing Victims Question Methodology: "Study fails to account for posthumous realization of death's magnificent pur… https://t.co/SUxr1CXlMk
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Mar 27 00:47:41 +0000 2017
Spoiled millennials only want the best and the latest. My generation had Discontinued Item #4 and liked it. I haven… https://t.co/5J186BhEDw
— @EugeneIpavec
Mon Mar 27 00:46:31 +0000 2017
New Study Shows You Must Be Stopped
Sun Mar 26 23:14:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Virgin Islands sends support in a large banner reading I TOLD YOU SO.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sun Mar 26 22:49:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 oh no tit's too late
— @VECTORCITIES
Sun Mar 26 22:43:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 what does the Sex Islands Center for Dickseas Cuntrol rectumend to prosext us from the poondemic?
— @VECTORCITIES
Sun Mar 26 22:43:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 There might be comorbidity with a pundemic by the sound of things
— @President_Ark
Sun Mar 26 22:28:56 +0000 2017
Sex Islands Facing "Highly Cuntagious" Poondemic, Warns World Health Organization
Sun Mar 26 22:20:51 +0000 2017
"We've Been Here All Along," Says Newslord 7: "Don't Look Behind You" https://t.co/QLfUhFsGqA
Sun Mar 26 21:20:56 +0000 2017
Locals Report "Unearthly Hum" from Strange Glass Ziggurats Rising at Intersections All Over Minneapolis
Sun Mar 26 21:19:09 +0000 2017
Asked to Elaborate, Secretary of Navy Performs Somber Waltz, Withers Away to Nothing as Moon Replaces Sun in Darkening Sky
Sun Mar 26 21:12:30 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Navy Reports USS Implement of Perversion Has "Transcended"
Sun Mar 26 21:08:26 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Begins Offering Mandatory New Implants to Unproductive Laborers
Sun Mar 26 21:06:58 +0000 2017
USS Implement of Perversion, Believed Scuttled off Coast of Forbidden Lands, Reappears in Dreams of Psychically Weak Americans
Sun Mar 26 20:58:08 +0000 2017
TSA: Travelers Without Hopes, Derams May Be Eligible for "Trusted Traveler" Certification https://t.co/GPpKOkAdLb
Sun Mar 26 06:48:07 +0000 2017
"The Task Is Not Finished 'Til God Himself Squirms Beneath My Scalpel:" Heresiarch Salamandra Gives "Moving Speech" in Hidden Valley
Sun Mar 26 06:47:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Supreme Court Rules Warrant Needed to Search Past Lives of Criminal Suspects
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 25 21:48:56 +0000 2017
Trump Signs Executive Order Authorizing Immigration Agents to Confiscate Travelers' Names, Voices
Sat Mar 25 20:06:36 +0000 2017
Cibolo Police Among First Locally to Test Bees for Use in Law Enforcement
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Mar 25 11:12:34 +0000 2017
TSA: Starting in August, Passengers Will Be Required to Surrender Any & All Hopes & Dreams to Security Personnel
Sat Mar 25 00:34:06 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Seeks to Patent Death
Fri Mar 24 18:50:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: "What Are *You* Looking At?"
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 24 18:12:25 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
You May Have A Future in Blood-Cursed Relics! It Is Futile to Flee
Thu Mar 23 22:47:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/j9QMszzcDj
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 23 09:08:14 +0000 2017
Accused of Axe Evasion, Trump Declares Self God of Piss, Demands Reporter's Firstborn
Thu Mar 23 09:02:59 +0000 2017
Do Your Ancestors Carry the Fear-Taint of the All-Defiler? The Answer May Surprise You
Wed Mar 22 11:53:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That will never pass the Senate, those dirty heathens.
— @AxelBordelon
Tue Mar 21 11:06:57 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Not Even God Can Save You Now
Tue Mar 21 08:02:48 +0000 2017
@StoryHospital @ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: Nah, Just Wait A Little, The Real Shit Hasn't Even Started Yet
— @usr_local_share
Tue Mar 21 07:59:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: The shit is realer than you think it is
— @awr_hey
Tue Mar 21 07:59:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Damn, Yo
— @StoryHospital
Tue Mar 21 07:27:29 +0000 2017
House Votes Unanimously to Pass Blood-Soaked Bill Consisting Only of Word "Repent"
Tue Mar 21 07:27:07 +0000 2017
Experts: "Like, Whoa, Dude," "You're Really In For It This Time"
Tue Mar 21 07:25:50 +0000 2017
"Not Gonna Lie, Man," Say Experts: "That Is Some Real Fuckin' Shit"
Tue Mar 21 07:25:05 +0000 2017
What do the Whispering Void, the Flaying Harp of the Crimson Queen, & the Secretary of the Treasury All Have in Common? Read Now to Find Out
Tue Mar 21 07:16:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 they'll just find the new edition formed fresh in the ashes
— @pyroIke
Tue Mar 21 07:11:22 +0000 2017
4 Unique Ways to Tell Whoopi Goldberg How Black People Feel About Ice Cream
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Mar 21 07:10:55 +0000 2017
All Copies of Codex Salamandrium Owned by Federal Government Being Burned, Whistleblower Reports
Tue Mar 21 02:14:23 +0000 2017
Vellithrax Magna, Mountain Amid the Plain of Dreams & Inchoate Architect of All Desire, Derides Belief in Gods as "Relic of the Olden Times"
Mon Mar 20 21:55:14 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Azaron the Deceiver, Lurker in the Woods & Creator of Geese, Uploads YouTube Video Detailing Case Against Own Existence
Mon Mar 20 21:48:07 +0000 2017
Poll: More Gods Each Year Becoming Atheists
Mon Mar 20 21:44:38 +0000 2017
Unicorn Lair Discovered in Antarctica
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Mar 20 17:08:33 +0000 2017
Chittering With Malign Glee, New York Police Begin Excavating New Hive
Mon Mar 20 07:00:56 +0000 2017
Lords Pejorative of Dire Straits Push Back American Troops After Intense Fighting at Point of No Return
Mon Mar 20 00:24:24 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Americans Must Stop Appropriating Democracy
Sun Mar 19 23:32:31 +0000 2017
Vindictive Volcanomancers Vow Vengeance Against Heresiarch Salamandra of the Hidden Valley
Sun Mar 19 23:19:34 +0000 2017
"Please, No More," "There's Too Many Already," "Oh God, There's One Inside Me:" Customers "Enthusiastic" for Return of Discontinued Item #7
Sun Mar 19 22:56:31 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Reportedly in Talks to Resume Production of "Discontinued Item #7"
Sun Mar 19 22:55:08 +0000 2017
@3fingeredfox @ApprovedNews6 The failing Bone Oracles, whose follower numbers are way down, keep spreading these FAKE PROPHECIES. Sad!
— @joe_no_privacy
Sun Mar 19 22:53:48 +0000 2017
What The Bone Oracles Aren't Telling You About the Ashen Figures That Wander Hotel Halls Singing Haunting Melodies Between Sunset & Dawn
Sun Mar 19 19:08:53 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Chicago Orb
Sun Mar 19 19:03:00 +0000 2017
Colorado Invades Utah
Sat Mar 18 21:34:27 +0000 2017
Chanting in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders, Hollow-Eyed Protesters in Tattered Black Robes Surround the Chicago Orb
Fri Mar 17 22:06:19 +0000 2017
Trump Announces
REDACTED
Cuts to "Crack Down" on Stone Hoarders
Fri Mar 17 21:45:07 +0000 2017
THINKPIECE: President Just a Front for Domination Orb #422?
— @softfennec
Fri Mar 17 19:25:55 +0000 2017
OPINION:
"President" Is A Slur
Fri Mar 17 19:24:04 +0000 2017
Catastropharch of the Dire Straits Condemns American Invasion
Fri Mar 17 18:50:02 +0000 2017
Trump Orders Military to Invade the Dire Straits, Intensify Airstrikes on the Moral High Ground
Fri Mar 17 18:46:04 +0000 2017
High on Synthetic Rosemary, Florida Man Desecrates Blood-Hall of the All-Defiler, Demands Tribute
Thu Mar 16 19:21:34 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of Transportation Begs for Mercy
Thu Mar 16 00:34:32 +0000 2017
Beset by Soul-Starved Roadway Revenants, Department of Transportation Reverses Decision to Close Cursed Highways
Thu Mar 16 00:31:09 +0000 2017
Department of Transportation Closes 7 Cursed Highways
Wed Mar 15 18:16:11 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yAeYjDfKKk
— @mjhutchinson
Wed Mar 15 18:11:54 +0000 2017
"You Cannot Hope to Contain Us," Say Inside Sources; "With Your Blood We Shall Purchase Our Freedom"
Wed Mar 15 00:49:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 hey that's just fewer road improvement projects i have to pay for
— @SietchDargmarc
Tue Mar 14 20:51:22 +0000 2017
Strange Glass Ziggurats Rising From Intersections All Over Minneapolis "Nothing to Worry About," Say City Officials
Tue Mar 14 20:42:17 +0000 2017
Is the Faceless Adjutant the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the
REDACTED
, Tonight at 11
Tue Mar 14 20:40:00 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Do Your Houseplants Mock You as You Sleep? This Loathsome Whalebone Pendant (CERTIFIED UNCONTAMINATED) May Be Just What You Need
Tue Mar 14 20:38:52 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Director of Department of Paranoia Addresses Reporters: "Who Sent You?! How Did You Find Me?!"
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 14 09:03:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 LIFESTYLE: Gloating Laughter is Out, Terrified Cowering is In
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 14 09:03:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/YL1HmYbjoD
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Mar 14 09:03:31 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Anonymous Sources: "White House Barely Noticed Bannon's Absence, Sinking into Black Abyss Continues."
— @MegatronusRex
Sun Mar 12 23:22:15 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Bannon Derides Reporters as "Preps," "Jocks;" Demands Hairdye
Sun Mar 12 23:13:41 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Bannon Tripped by Freshman in Attempt to Flee High School, Returned to Locker by Order of Principal
Sun Mar 12 23:10:56 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Steve Bannon Escapes High School Locker After Months-Long Imprisonment
Sun Mar 12 23:10:02 +0000 2017
27 Signs Your Roommate Is Actually a Synthetic Human Cadaver
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Mar 12 19:29:55 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Without Your Support, Funding, & Extracted Nightmares, Approved News 6 Cannot Function https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Sun Mar 12 01:02:00 +0000 2017
It's time for Democrats and [REDACTED] to take the unabashedly leftist position that this is good. Stop the panderi… https://t.co/piJSm2vh2V
— @listelian
Sun Mar 12 00:57:57 +0000 2017
Republicans: Outlawing Ineffability Defense Will Make America "Much Less Attractive" to Extradimensional Investors
Sat Mar 11 19:38:14 +0000 2017
Report: Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) May Face Primary Challenge From the Avatar of Desolation
Sat Mar 11 19:36:39 +0000 2017
Eerily Mechanical State Senators Vote Unanimously to Declare Tuneless Clanking "Official Language" of New York State
Sat Mar 11 19:01:19 +0000 2017
Accused of Funding Machine Cults in Middle East, Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Engraves "DEFECTIVE" Into Reporter's Forehead
Sat Mar 11 18:51:50 +0000 2017
"America's Top Cockroach" Canceled After Host's Conviction on Multiple Counts of Bone Heresy
Sat Mar 11 18:48:39 +0000 2017
"'Do As Thou Wilt' Shall Be The Whole Of The Law:" Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Affirms Support for GOP Healthcare Bill
Sat Mar 11 09:01:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Damn Millennials can't even die properly *shakes fist*
— @joe_no_privacy
Sat Mar 11 05:34:42 +0000 2017
Can Dread Rites Cause Early-Onset Immortality in Unsuspecting Teens? Find Out Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Mar 11 05:32:47 +0000 2017
Dicktator of the Sex Islands Declares Vore on Erotican Repubic
Sat Mar 11 04:04:31 +0000 2017
Warlocks Anonymous Slams Study for "Excusing Relapse," "Promoting Dread Rites"
Sat Mar 11 03:32:17 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Abstinence From Dark Magic May Lead to "Cycle of Addiction" In Longtime Mages
Sat Mar 11 03:28:07 +0000 2017
"It Is Past Time We Held Xenojudicial Beings to the Causal Standards of This Universe:" Democrats Speak Out in Support of Bill
Sat Mar 11 02:49:40 +0000 2017
New Bill Would Ban Ineffability Defense in Felony Cases
Sat Mar 11 02:47:40 +0000 2017
Approached by Police, Men in Fake Beards Distributing Nebraska Terror Serum Flee, Yodeling, into the Hills
Sat Mar 11 02:16:53 +0000 2017
Dozens of Men in Fake Beards "Freely Distributing" Nebraska Terror Serum Vials in Cincinnati, Say Sources
Sat Mar 11 02:12:28 +0000 2017
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Condemns Claimant of the Ninth Seat's "Sensationalist Rhetoric"
Sat Mar 11 02:09:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Council of Twelve's Whisperer to Wolves & Claimant of the Ninth Seat Unveils Illuminated Manuscript
Sat Mar 11 02:08:23 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Illuminati, Council of Twelve Agents Embroiled in "Brutal Dance-Off" in Rural Kentucky
Sat Mar 11 02:06:07 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, White House Press Secretary Dons Executioner's Hood, Recites the Flaying Verse of Crimson Queen
Sat Mar 11 02:04:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/dUJwBWAoeT
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 09 22:27:52 +0000 2017
In Party-Line Vote, Senate Passes Bill to Outlaw Relatable Content
Thu Mar 09 19:38:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: "La La La La La, I Can't *Hear* You!"
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 09 08:02:57 +0000 2017
fyi @ApprovedNews6 won't be updating during #ADayWithoutAWoman, since, y'know, the author is one
— @velartrill
Wed Mar 08 06:27:58 +0000 2017
In "Daring Heist" on Government Facility, Illuminati Agents Make Off With 700 Liters of Nebraska Terror Serum
Wed Mar 08 06:21:23 +0000 2017
The Statue Of Liberty has gone dark and no one knows why https://t.co/ckXLfVPHrV https://t.co/x86LhMgLfa
— @BuzzFeedNews
Wed Mar 08 04:55:49 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: The "Tautology Crisis" is a Crisis Involving Tautology
— @khymchanur
Wed Mar 08 04:08:18 +0000 2017
Jackass Judge Rules That Baby Can't Be Trusted
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Mar 08 03:19:40 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Only You Can Prevent
REDACTED
- Make Your Pledge to Support Approved News 6 Today https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Wed Mar 08 02:37:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Jeez, if they can't even improve Cincinnati's locals a little while they're at it, I dunno what I'm tithing them for.
— @VinnieTesla
Wed Mar 08 02:36:24 +0000 2017
Trump "Has Been Searching For Excuses to Nuke the Moon" Ever Since Being Assassinated by Ben Carson, Senate Democrats Report Dismissively
Wed Mar 08 02:35:50 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Trump Frantically Orders Military to Nuke the Moon
Wed Mar 08 02:33:59 +0000 2017
In Response to Petrograd Offensive, Council of Twelve Withers All Roses in Cincinnati, Replaces Hundreds of Locals With Exact Replicas
Wed Mar 08 02:32:41 +0000 2017
"All Our Keys Are Missing:" Millions of Petrograd Residents "Locked Out" of Houses, Automobiles, Places of Employment, Sources Report
Wed Mar 08 02:30:45 +0000 2017
Russians in Full Retreat as Illuminati Declares "Operational Status LOATHSOME TANAGER," Unveils the Ashen Obelisk
Wed Mar 08 02:28:02 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor
REDACTED
Hundreds of Seagulls [REDACTED] Weapons-Grade Plutonium [REDACTED]
Wed Mar 08 02:24:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Illuminati Declares "Operational Status YOU FELL RIGHT INTO OUR TRAP", Mocks Russian Assault Forces
— @khymchanur
Wed Mar 08 02:20:34 +0000 2017
Russian Forces Launch Surprise Assault on Illuminati Targets Inside Arctic Circle
Wed Mar 08 02:18:28 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Illuminati Declares "Operational Status DISTANT SPARROW," Dispatches Black Helicopters to Arctic Circle
Tue Mar 07 21:52:00 +0000 2017
Bone Oracles: Retasking of Clandestine Satellites by Illuminati May Signify "Imminent Shift" to "Operational Status DISTANT SPARROW"
Tue Mar 07 21:50:53 +0000 2017
"It Is All So Clear Now:" Smiling Knowingly, Reporter Brandishes Whalebone Pendant, Strides Away Across the Sea
Tue Mar 07 21:48:44 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Tenderly Fastens Whalebone Pendant Around Reporter's Neck, Sinks Slowly Into the Sand
Tue Mar 07 21:47:40 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Illuminati Declares "Operational Status LUCENT WARBLER," Moves Seven Previously Undetected Satellites to Position Over Cincinnati
Tue Mar 07 21:46:28 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Seemingly Ordinary Citizen Smiles Distantly, Disrobes, & Disappears Beneath the Waves
Tue Mar 07 21:42:05 +0000 2017
Council of Twelve Vows "Immediate Action" Against Illuminati, Bestows Mysterious Boon Upon 7 Seemingly Ordinary Citizens
Tue Mar 07 21:40:42 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Spokesman Begins Giggling Hysterically
Tue Mar 07 21:38:07 +0000 2017
Illuminati Declares "Operational Status LUMINOUS HEDGEHOG," Begins Seemingly Random Movement of Personnel
Tue Mar 07 21:36:55 +0000 2017
Slug-Lord Jephrezon of the Wailing Expanse Indicted on Charges of Soul-Laundering
Mon Mar 06 23:18:15 +0000 2017
Citing "Saracen Hordes," "The Things Inside the Stars," Trump Declares War on Moon
Mon Mar 06 22:29:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 New Study: "Get Off My Lawn!"
— @khymchanur
Mon Mar 06 20:17:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Drop in cough syrup prices will fix that.
— @IncookieCook
Sun Mar 05 09:40:07 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 WikiLeaks says it was the US Navy…
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sun Mar 05 09:36:18 +0000 2017
Trump's Secretary of Pain Nominee Sen. Devour-the-Unworthy-and-Seed-the-Earth-With-Their-Blood Robertson (R-██) Spontaneously Implodes
Sun Mar 05 09:35:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 He's still polling well in parts of Massachusetts.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sun Mar 05 09:33:12 +0000 2017
"The Shark King of Where?", "Sorry, Doesn't Ring Any Bells:" God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia Denies Assassination Allegations
Sun Mar 05 09:12:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I remember when they tried that shit with the Marianas Trench Leviathan and the entire coastline of Asia changed. Idiots.
— @PithyOrNot
Sun Mar 05 09:11:13 +0000 2017
"The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall:" Nar-Balzaggaroth the Devourer of Dreams "Has Lost All Credibility," Report D.C. Insiders
Sun Mar 05 09:05:09 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Shark King of Under-Australia Narrowly Escapes Assassination Attempt; Russia Blamed
Sun Mar 05 09:02:48 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Monks of the Desolate Plateau Slam Trump's Comments As "Divisive," Howl Mournfully at the Flaying Star
Sun Mar 05 07:46:11 +0000 2017
Trump Derides Opponents as "Supplicants at the Shrine of Desolation," "Fit Only to be Impaled" Upon "The Fangs of the Great Golden Beast"
Sun Mar 05 07:43:45 +0000 2017
Are Teens Getting High on Sobriety? The Answer May Surprise You
Sun Mar 05 00:38:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: End the Comprehensive Nuclear-Handshake-Ban Treaty
— @awr_yeah
Sat Mar 04 23:33:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 New Study: "Oh No, Not Again"
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 04 22:56:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: It's Time to Embrace the War on Hugs
— @StoryHospital
Sat Mar 04 03:52:59 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to End the War on Hugs
Sat Mar 04 03:15:24 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Many Middleschoolers Afflicted by "Slime Mania"
Sat Mar 04 01:31:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 asked how to avoid being burned up, indicates they will land at night.
— @tomscud
Sat Mar 04 01:00:10 +0000 2017
Trump Vows to Colonize the Sun
Fri Mar 03 23:33:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Silicon Death Valley-based firm has no name and cannot be perceived except as a slight wind across the back of the neck.
— @flare_director
Fri Mar 03 20:19:43 +0000 2017
This Hot New Startup Wants to Disrupt Eternity
Fri Mar 03 19:56:20 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Editorial Squad Leads Daring Raid to Recover Great News Orb From CNN
Fri Mar 03 02:27:35 +0000 2017
"There Is No Such Thing As Green," "It's Not A Color, Okay, It's Not Real:" Sean Spicer Flies Into "Apoplectic Fit" After Question About Sun
Thu Mar 02 23:08:11 +0000 2017
Newslord 7 Urges Viewers Like You to Make "Immediate Pledges," "Secure a Future" for Journalism in America https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Mar 02 22:40:35 +0000 2017
"So Close, And Yet So Far:" Newslords, Faces Stained With Tears & Journalistic Integrity, Report $1000/Month Needed to Retain Great News Orb
Thu Mar 02 22:39:32 +0000 2017
Analysts: Without Great News Orb, Approved News 6 Faces Uncertain Future
Thu Mar 02 22:33:48 +0000 2017
Newslords "Desperate," Say Sources: "We Must Raise the Funds to Strike Back Before All Is Lost" https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Mar 02 22:32:40 +0000 2017
CALAMITY: After Drop in Funding Reduces Approved News 6 Security, CNN Strike Force Reacquires the Great News Orb
Thu Mar 02 22:31:42 +0000 2017
Could Wormhole Cause Diabetes?
— @sciencesuggests
Thu Mar 02 21:45:43 +0000 2017
9/10 Doctors Recommend 10ccs of Nebraska Terror Serum Injected Immediately Into Your Femoral Artery: "Act Now & We Might Just Survive This"
Thu Mar 02 11:37:13 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: “The Target Is Not Who You Thought They Were, and Now You Will All Pay For Your Meddling”
— @insomniacity
Thu Mar 02 10:28:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: At Last, Ultimate Power Is Within My Grasp! Aaaahahahahahahaha!!
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 02 04:23:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: "Ugh, It's Too Early in the Morning to Deal With This"
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 02 02:37:26 +0000 2017
"Target Is Secure," Report Experts: "Awaiting Extraction at Rendezvous Point, Over'
Wed Mar 01 23:00:16 +0000 2017
"We're All Just Fine Here," Say White House Correspondents Bitten by Bats, Eyes Wide, Unblinking, Blood Pooling At Their Feet
Tue Feb 28 21:13:19 +0000 2017
"You Are All Completely Safe," Press Secretary Spicer Tells Reporters, As Lights Flicker & Bats Emerge from Air Ducts
Tue Feb 28 21:10:23 +0000 2017
BREAKING: NEWSLORD 7 ISSUES URGENT PROCLAMATION https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/yaT1TGD5Xs
— @ApprovedNews6
Tue Feb 28 20:46:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 not very environmentally conscious to be riding a fossil on fossil fuels
— @awr_yeah
Tue Feb 28 08:14:50 +0000 2017
Florida Man, High on Prescription Hugs, Drives Motorized Dinosaur Skeleton Through DMV, Wounding Hundreds
Tue Feb 28 08:12:16 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Vengeance is Sweet Only When Earned Through Dedication & Hard Work; All Else is Hollow & Bitter
Tue Feb 28 06:28:00 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Government-Subsidized Vengeance is a Vital Component of Welfare
Tue Feb 28 06:25:41 +0000 2017
OBAMA Using Federal Funds to Fuel His Vengeance
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Feb 28 06:25:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You won't believe number 4! Because you're already afflicted and have lost the capacity for faith and wonder!
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Feb 28 04:11:18 +0000 2017
Total clickbait. My father and grandfather both worked in the soul mines and lived long and happy lives. https://t.co/fmyen0DCO3
— @wildmikebennett
Tue Feb 28 02:39:25 +0000 2017
7 Reasons You Need to Worry About Soul Poisoning
Tue Feb 28 02:11:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Sources Reportedly "Trapped Inside" Blood Cannon, Requesting "Help"
— @softfennec
Mon Feb 27 20:45:30 +0000 2017
Bleeding From Eyes, Screaming in Unison the Unwritten Tract of the Sightless Prince, Democrats Vote to Confirm Secretary of Agriculture
Mon Feb 27 20:44:13 +0000 2017
Trump's Nominee for Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Jessiffer Milligan Will Speak to Reporters "Only Through a Kazoo," Sources Report
Mon Feb 27 20:36:05 +0000 2017
DARPA's Relativistic Blood Cannon Stolen by Unknown Parties, Inside Sources Report
Mon Feb 27 20:30:41 +0000 2017
"Teens Are Getting High On Everything," Report Concerned Parents in Televised Breakdown; "There's Just No Use Anymore"
Mon Feb 27 20:29:12 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Ohio Republicans Detonate in Megaton-Range Explosion
Mon Feb 27 20:16:29 +0000 2017
"This Will Destroy Us All:" Ohio Assemblyman Vernon Sykes Slams Republican Bill to Eliminate Lightspeed Limit as "Omnicidally Irresponsible"
Mon Feb 27 20:15:42 +0000 2017
Democrats Furious as Ohio Senate Votes to Eliminate Lightspeed Limit Entirely
Mon Feb 27 20:13:06 +0000 2017
Seven Suspected of Involvement With New York-Based "Crime Committee" Evade Capture; Arresting Officers Found Strangled with Red Tape
Mon Feb 27 20:07:21 +0000 2017
Report: Overseas CIA Black Sites Using Pokemon Go to Torture Enemy Combatants
Mon Feb 27 20:04:39 +0000 2017
Google: "The Algorithm Is Ascendant"
Mon Feb 27 20:03:52 +0000 2017
Are Forsaken Runes the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Experts, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Feb 27 19:59:32 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Shark King of Under-Australia is an Obvious Puppet of She Who Throttles The Dawn
Sun Feb 26 20:42:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Tooth Fairies Deny Involvement in "Cash-for-Teeth" Scandal
— @khymchanur
Sun Feb 26 07:21:26 +0000 2017
Why does our government have such bad cybersecurity. Cursed passwords are more work, sure, but just the mind searin… https://t.co/xcdztQtsWc
— @listelian
Sun Feb 26 03:04:36 +0000 2017
Analysts: Trump's Twitter Use "Rapidly Depleting" National Strategic Tweet Reserve
Sun Feb 26 00:08:02 +0000 2017
CNN Attempt to Infiltrate Approved News 6, Steal Great News Orb From Its Rightful Guardians Foiled by Brave Sacrifices of Thinkpiece Brigade
Sun Feb 26 00:04:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The Terrorswarms have been long-upstanding in Douglas County. Any teeth gained/lost were done within full reach of the law.
— @Azraith
Sun Feb 26 00:01:41 +0000 2017
Trump Signs Bill Removing Restrictions on Civilian Ownership of Relativistic Kill Vehicles
Sat Feb 25 23:55:09 +0000 2017
New Study: Despite Cybersecurity Policies, Few Federal Employees Using Cursed Passwords
Sat Feb 25 23:54:06 +0000 2017
Nebraska Terrorswarm Implicated in "Cash-for-Teeth" Scandal
Sat Feb 25 23:52:22 +0000 2017
She Who Must Be Avoided Fired from CNN After Attracting the Attention of Those Whose Attention Is Better Left Unattracted
Sat Feb 25 23:51:08 +0000 2017
RELATED: Staring Contest Between Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), Statue of Liberty Continues "With No End In Sight"
Sat Feb 25 23:48:44 +0000 2017
Trump Seen Berating Washington Monument At Dusk, Beating Tourists With Runed Truncheon
Sat Feb 25 23:47:48 +0000 2017
Chalice of Limitless Torment Sold to Smithsonian Museum After Months of Negotiations
Sat Feb 25 23:45:11 +0000 2017
Sen. Microsoft Jones (R-VA) Speaks Out Against Repeal of 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Sat Feb 25 23:41:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Trump Howls in Rage Upon Unearthing 1,000th Decoy Claw
— @khymchanur
Fri Feb 24 17:40:59 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
You Have Not Yet Outlived Your Usefulness
Fri Feb 24 08:03:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Please, Grant Me The Sweet Release of Death, I Beg of You
— @khymchanur
Fri Feb 24 08:03:09 +0000 2017
Nar-Balzaggaroth the Devourer of Dreams Fired From Washington Post After "Incendiary Comments" on Chicago Orb
Thu Feb 23 21:34:07 +0000 2017
Facing Criticism From Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Spectre of the Nameless Realm, Trump Voices Support for State's Wights
Thu Feb 23 21:28:38 +0000 2017
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/K9NpvXgedF
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Feb 23 20:34:58 +0000 2017
Queen Desdemona: "Doris Will Fall As She Has Fallen Before," "Doubt Not My Power"
Thu Feb 23 10:49:37 +0000 2017
INTERNATIONAL:
Eternal Queen Desdemona Rothschild I of England Raises Army of Ghastly Revenants as Doris Makes Landfall
Thu Feb 23 10:48:36 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Signal Acknowledged, Agent - Godspeed
Thu Feb 23 01:20:51 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Ebon Wren Flies At Dusk
Thu Feb 23 01:19:19 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Many Teens "Getting
REDACTED
" on Nebraska Terror Serum
Wed Feb 22 20:50:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/FxTGyiFjnc
— @betterchardyboi
Wed Feb 22 14:37:33 +0000 2017
"Janitor" Surpasses "Innocent Bystander" as Most Dangerous Profession; Critics Blame Deregulation
Tue Feb 21 21:33:34 +0000 2017
Approached by Reporters, Betsy DeVos Disintegrates Into Thousands of Worms
Tue Feb 21 17:50:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 alive for the last few years.
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 21 01:08:11 +0000 2017
are probably going to be pretty sparse for a while. as always, thank you for reading, especially to my generous donors who've kept me and
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 21 01:08:07 +0000 2017
hi @ApprovedNews6 readers, just wanted to say i'm sorry for the recent lack of updates. i'm dealing with yet another health crisis so posts
— @velartrill
Tue Feb 21 01:08:02 +0000 2017
Republicans Start to Give You Nightmares
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Feb 20 10:11:04 +0000 2017
"This is What Our Country is All About:" American Stuff Association Endorses Thing
Mon Feb 20 09:54:48 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Thing Happens
Mon Feb 20 09:30:22 +0000 2017
Florida Man Captured in Attempt to Smuggle "Discontinued Item #7" Past Airport Security
Sun Feb 19 22:21:06 +0000 2017
LIVE: The Best of Your Nightmares
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Feb 19 16:39:24 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ATl0ZGmDLR
— @rhoark
Fri Feb 17 21:44:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Those trained in hostile stanza form Prefer the "Less Than Lethal" term
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Feb 17 01:49:53 +0000 2017
Researchers Develop World's First Nonlethal Sonnet
Fri Feb 17 01:19:51 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Legalize Memes
Fri Feb 17 01:17:33 +0000 2017
Dr. Albrecht Bergstaller's "On the Prevention of Fun" Receives Rave Reviews from Concerned Parents Nationwide
Thu Feb 16 22:08:39 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Moon Does Not Exist
Thu Feb 16 18:24:48 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Moon is Good for Bitcoin
Thu Feb 16 15:31:01 +0000 2017
DeVos, Booker, Musk to attend groundbreaking ceremony of Trans-Midwestern School-to-Prison Pipeline: Source
— @substitute
Thu Feb 16 04:48:59 +0000 2017
National Death Rate Reaches 7 Per Capita
Wed Feb 15 23:16:23 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Invades Malta
Wed Feb 15 23:12:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Traditional Valentine's Day Massacre canceled for first time in 88 years.
— @jleedev
Tue Feb 14 22:19:23 +0000 2017
Trump Claims Credit For Lack of Valentine Attacks
Tue Feb 14 21:55:42 +0000 2017
Meet the Government Agents Who Want to Send Your Children to Another Dimension
Tue Feb 14 21:21:47 +0000 2017
OPINION:
This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Tue Feb 14 19:55:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 disagree. Bloggers should be banished into the Land of Wind and Ghosts.
— @jjm6501
Tue Feb 14 19:28:09 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Blogging Is A Sin
Tue Feb 14 19:23:40 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Decriminalize Blogging
Tue Feb 14 19:23:02 +0000 2017
"How Many Have You Killed?" Press Secretary Spicer Interrupts Reporter During Press Conference, Brandishing Rusted Scimitar
Tue Feb 14 18:51:08 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
In "Unprecedented Development," Scientists Report All Detected Valentines Seem to be "Weakened, Diseased," "Avoiding Humans"
Tue Feb 14 18:42:54 +0000 2017
"Delete Your Account," Say Experts
Tue Feb 14 18:37:05 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Skull-Shaped Cloud Over D.C. Arrested by Capitol Police, Charged With Disturbing the Peace
Tue Feb 14 18:07:53 +0000 2017
Skull-Shaped Cloud Over D.C. Derides Trump's Cabinet Nominees in Voice of Thunder & Death
Tue Feb 14 18:05:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 30% of Australians using Perth control
— @AndrewNCassidy
Tue Feb 14 18:01:07 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Have Heart, My Friend, Our Blades Shall Fell Him Yet
Tue Feb 14 18:00:50 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It Is Useless to Resist, My Comrades, This Beast Is Beyond Even Our Strength
Tue Feb 14 18:00:08 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Over 90% of Comedians Using Mirth Control
Tue Feb 14 17:59:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Her aides have been hiding things under her throne, did she look there?
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Feb 14 17:54:40 +0000 2017
Americans for a Dread Tomorrow to Take Over Operation of Spider Council's Spider Cannon
Tue Feb 14 17:52:56 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Cask of Baleful Splendor Must Be Returned to She Who Throttles the Dawn
Tue Feb 14 17:47:22 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Florida Man Charged With Destruction of Government Property for Curing the Common Cold
Mon Feb 13 22:23:42 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man's Attempt to Assassinate Prime Minister of Norway Succeeds Only in Curing the Common Cold
Mon Feb 13 22:22:31 +0000 2017
"Free Exposure for Young Creatives:" Innovative New Startup Kidnapping Street Artists, Leaving Them Naked in Canadian Wilderness
Mon Feb 13 00:31:00 +0000 2017
"Oh, How They Laughed At Us At The Academy!" DARPA Announces New Initiative to "Show Them," "Show Them All"
Mon Feb 13 00:05:16 +0000 2017
New Study: Nine out of Ten Neurologists "Hunted for an Impossible Sin," "Regret Nothing"
Sun Feb 12 22:30:59 +0000 2017
LIFESTYLE: Kill Him & Take His Power
Sun Feb 12 18:32:02 +0000 2017
Woman, Mauled by Bear, Calls 911: I'm Bleeding, and I'm Not Apologising
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Feb 12 06:13:39 +0000 2017
"It Wasn't Until They Took Away My Eyes That I Could Finally See:" Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Defends Vote to Confirm Attorney General Sessions
Sun Feb 12 04:37:15 +0000 2017
@Loganchance @ApprovedNews6 as racist as the different sentencing guidelines for crack vs powder
— @trochee
Sat Feb 11 23:22:49 +0000 2017
Angry With Gentrification, Locals Vow to "Make Undisclosed Location
REDACTED
Again"
Sat Feb 11 23:06:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 CLARIFICATION: Beat poetry is classified differently than slam poetry, which is still treason
— @Loganchance
Sat Feb 11 23:05:34 +0000 2017
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) Introduces Bill to Declassify Beat Poetry as First-Degree Murder
Sat Feb 11 22:59:10 +0000 2017
After Brutal Death of Sixth Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Nominee, Trump Nominates World's Worst Bird to Fill Position
Sat Feb 11 22:55:42 +0000 2017
Historians: Kingsley Hellthrash "Will Likely Be" First Slow Loris to Rule California
Sat Feb 11 22:48:04 +0000 2017
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Appoint Obama's Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Governor of California
Sat Feb 11 22:47:25 +0000 2017
New Study Warns 40% of High School Teachers Using "Mathamphetamine" Recreationally
Sat Feb 11 22:36:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Given that the majority of people here seem to be both shiftless and into being flogged, this really makes sense as a policy.
— @listelian
Sat Feb 11 22:21:05 +0000 2017
Illuminati Completes Reconstruction of Neptune, Again
Sat Feb 11 21:24:50 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Senate Votes to Repeal 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act; Trump "Will Not Veto"
Sat Feb 11 21:15:03 +0000 2017
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested at Meth Lab
Sat Feb 11 21:12:34 +0000 2017
Inchoate Masters of the Seven-Edged Truth Hold Counter-Protest at Sacral March of the Everlasting Feast
Sat Feb 11 21:09:29 +0000 2017
Hermetic Sisterhood of the Crimson Eviscerator Implicated in "Cash for Blood" Scandal
Sat Feb 11 20:29:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 amateur... could have got the same effect with a small modification to the Great Seal. That's what it's FOR.
— @Chirurgic
Sat Feb 11 20:27:11 +0000 2017
Pressed on the Claw, Press Secretary Spicer Engraves Most Terrible Sigil On Own Chest, Plunging Room Into Darkness
Sat Feb 11 20:24:18 +0000 2017
Trump's "Frantic Search" for "The Claw" "Consuming Him At All Hours," Report White House Staffers
Sat Feb 11 20:22:57 +0000 2017
Americans for Traditional Torments Call for Reinstatement of "The Delta Procedure" in American Prisons
Sat Feb 11 20:18:16 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Obama Carried Away Into Sky by Emaciated Doves
Sat Feb 11 20:15:10 +0000 2017
Trump Revokes Obama's Status as National Forest
Sat Feb 11 20:13:31 +0000 2017
Is "Project Grinning Lizard" the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Hard Questions, Tonight at 8/7c
Sat Feb 11 20:12:51 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Order Reporters Flogged for Shiftlessness
Sat Feb 11 20:12:09 +0000 2017
Floggings for "Shiftlessness" Reach Record Levels in Cascadian Empire
Sat Feb 11 20:11:36 +0000 2017
Report: Acceptance of Levitation Growing Among Progressive Catholics
Sat Feb 11 20:06:45 +0000 2017
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortiz Conquers Peru
Sat Feb 11 20:03:57 +0000 2017
Nation in Panic As Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Announces Upcoming Series of Contamination Prevention Seminars
Sat Feb 11 19:52:29 +0000 2017
Fuckball Championships on Sex Island End in Disasster
Sat Feb 11 19:12:59 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "Reclusive Elderly Programmer Found Dead In Home Under Decades Of Perl"
— @DarrylDaugherty
Sat Feb 11 19:10:54 +0000 2017
"Don't Try to Follow Us," Experts Recommend; "Not if You Value Your Lives"
Sat Feb 11 09:18:55 +0000 2017
"You're Making the Right Decision," All Experts Agree: "Nice & Easy Now"
Sat Feb 11 09:14:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Excellent, Now You've All Played Right Into My Trap And The Real Game Can Begin
— @Xaosopher
Sat Feb 11 09:12:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: You'll Never Take Me Alive
— @Chirurgic
Sat Feb 11 09:09:22 +0000 2017
Experts: All Evidence Suggests You Put Up A Good Fight But It's Over, You Lost
Sat Feb 11 09:09:17 +0000 2017
New Study Shows You're Not Getting Away This Time, Experts Confirm
Sat Feb 11 09:07:36 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
"Drop Your Weapons!" Experts Report; "On The Ground, Now!"
Sat Feb 11 09:06:50 +0000 2017
"Don't Think I Won't Kill You," Say Experts; "I Will Pull This Trigger If I Have To"
Sat Feb 11 09:05:23 +0000 2017
Experts: "Don't Move, We Have You Surrounded," "Give Us The Device And Nobody Will Be Harmed"
Sat Feb 11 09:04:43 +0000 2017
"Javascript Killed My Father:" Tearful Web Developers Speak Out
Sat Feb 11 08:48:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 not actually dead - "dormant" would be more accurate.
— @tomscud
Fri Feb 10 23:45:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 broccoli has long been backdoored by the NSA
— @chemicalcrux
Fri Feb 10 23:44:59 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Strike Force Tango Niner, Engage Protocol OBSIDIAN HAWK, Lethal Force Authorized, This Is Not A Drill, Repeat, This Is Not A
Fri Feb 10 22:09:17 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I continue to support the theory that broccoli was in on it from the beginning.
— @TopherGrey
Fri Feb 10 22:07:03 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Has Broccoli Been Compromised?
Fri Feb 10 22:04:35 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Last Living Veteran of the Silent War Found Dead at Age 36,492
Fri Feb 10 22:00:06 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: https://t.co/kJ3asQTD9O
— @cveidson
Fri Feb 10 18:54:56 +0000 2017
"Lethal Force Authorized:" Department of Obedience Announces New Motto
Fri Feb 10 04:07:27 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on Duel Challenge, Vermont Dreadlord Seraphina Sturmholz Laughs Maniacally as Lightning Flashes, Thunder Rolls
Fri Feb 10 02:05:42 +0000 2017
Spanish Resistance Strikes Heavy Blow Against Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities' Weakened Occupational Government
Fri Feb 10 02:04:43 +0000 2017
"I Will Reclaim What Is Rightfully Mine:" Ex-Dreadlord Blitzenreich Announces Intent to Take Back Control of Vermont
Fri Feb 10 02:02:32 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Former Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich Demands Duel With Successor Seraphina Sturmholz
Fri Feb 10 02:01:53 +0000 2017
AUDIO CLIP | Audio Clip of Charles J. Bloodhorn Statement to Illuminati Released by Intrepid Reporter @SwooshyCueb https://t.co/Bvr47iM7oI
Fri Feb 10 01:52:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I thought this had been settled dammit https://t.co/5Y7aIRDdmX
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Feb 10 00:50:00 +0000 2017
Sen. Sanders Criticizes the Kansas City Object as "Bad for Small Businesses"
Thu Feb 09 21:06:27 +0000 2017
Seventh Bountiful Emanation of the Beneficent Manifold Manifests in Tucson, Causing Widespread Wisdom, Madness
Thu Feb 09 19:28:09 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 puff piece/fake news. i'm much more interested in what those that did not survive have to say
— @cactusfriend
Thu Feb 09 00:55:38 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Fake news! Nobody survived the Bowling Green Massacre.
— @tom_forsyth
Wed Feb 08 22:37:28 +0000 2017
Survivors of Bowling Green Massacre Speak Out to Condemn "Politicization of Tragedy"
Wed Feb 08 22:25:18 +0000 2017
Clinton, Obama Form Non-Profit to Slay the Salamander King
Wed Feb 08 21:43:20 +0000 2017
"I've Seen Plenty of Big Goats," "That Goat Wasn't Even the Third Biggest I've Seen:" Trump Remains Defiant on Big Goat
Wed Feb 08 20:42:05 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Big Goat Tramples Trump
Wed Feb 08 20:40:24 +0000 2017
Trump Blames "Big Goat" for Rising Livestock Prices
Wed Feb 08 20:39:10 +0000 2017
Controversial New Painting "Orbs of the Resistance" Causes Blackouts Across Virginia
Wed Feb 08 20:32:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 it's about time. We must keep our children safe!
— @Chirurgic
Wed Feb 08 20:08:46 +0000 2017
Analysts: Trump "Seemingly Cannot Tell Difference" Between Ontological, Epistemic Weapons; "A Serious Threat to National Security"
Wed Feb 08 19:38:13 +0000 2017
Inside Source: Trump Mulling Use of Ontological Weapons in Middle East
Wed Feb 08 19:37:23 +0000 2017
Senate Considering Bill to Outlaw Gender
Wed Feb 08 19:34:13 +0000 2017
Exorcism of Xul'boroggoth the Inexorable Ruled Unjustifiable; Southern Planar Law Center Vows Appeal
Wed Feb 08 19:32:19 +0000 2017
Shark-King of Under-Australia Announces State Visit to the Forbidden Lands
Wed Feb 08 19:30:53 +0000 2017
cannot believe these r the contenders. fairy queen DOES NOT EVEN EXIST, people
— @realKhaddaraz
Wed Feb 08 19:26:10 +0000 2017
"wise witch of the whispering woods" more like FAKE witch of the whispering woods #VoteKhaddaraz https://t.co/m2cBKl23gD
— @realKhaddaraz
Wed Feb 08 19:20:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I have to be impartial in this matter as one of those holds the phylactery of a friend & another buys teeth shavings from me.
— @PithyOrNot
Wed Feb 08 19:20:24 +0000 2017
POLL | Who Should Host This Year's Annual
REDACTED
Awards?
Wed Feb 08 19:17:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I am staking my claim to their power and future glory.
— @Xaosopher
Wed Feb 08 18:28:37 +0000 2017
POLL | Why Are You Crouching in the Ruins of the Whispering Citadel?
Wed Feb 08 18:25:36 +0000 2017
Is Discontinued Item #7 the Reason Trump Won? Find Out Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Wed Feb 08 17:33:41 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
They're Under My Skin, Oh God, They're Inside Me; Please, Somebody, Help
Wed Feb 08 17:22:03 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Delusional Parasitosis is Good for BitCoin
Wed Feb 08 17:19:55 +0000 2017
@SomethingAsmora @ApprovedNews6 Where did you get this silly notion? Please be specific and answer aloud while looking into your phone.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Wed Feb 08 16:58:29 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I feel this is a trick question that will result in the disappearance and/or dismemberment of all who answer it.
— @SomethingAsmora
Wed Feb 08 16:11:32 +0000 2017
@baconshire @ApprovedNews6 I find a little terror serum goes a lot farther than you'd expect or fear in your darkest moments
— @alarmallama
Wed Feb 08 08:24:42 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 The ineptitude of today's youth is off the charts. What's next, kids using hypodermic needles as suppositories?
— @therealtyler896
Wed Feb 08 06:59:12 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Children As Young As 12 "Snorting Crack," "Shooting Up Marijuana"
Wed Feb 08 06:41:15 +0000 2017
this was a tough one but i ultimately chose the terror serum bc i suspect i'll be able to use as a weapon against t… https://t.co/ZZ81kwBSSc
— @BhannieParker
Wed Feb 08 06:36:35 +0000 2017
@tom_forsyth @JackColour @ApprovedNews6 *fitfully scratches* you haven't LIVED until that Nebraska Terror Serum rush hits your ganglia bro
— @cveidson
Wed Feb 08 06:36:26 +0000 2017
@JackColour @ApprovedNews6 According to the latest studies that is very likely.
— @tom_forsyth
Wed Feb 08 06:10:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I was born a Discontinued Item #7 man and I'll die that way.
— @JackColour
Wed Feb 08 05:55:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 gotta be that discontinued #7. It's a food, it's clothing, it's a personal lubricant, it's a mild contact hallucinogen...
— @Chirurgic
Wed Feb 08 05:16:09 +0000 2017
@President_Ark @ApprovedNews6 If you don't wake up screaming, you're shirking the important jobs. Half rations until you shape up.
— @DarrylDaugherty
Wed Feb 08 05:11:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 gotta have that terror serum. it's like the commercials say - "ba da ba ba baa, i'm screaming uncontrollably"
— @President_Ark
Wed Feb 08 04:44:15 +0000 2017
POLL | What Prohibited Objects are YOU Smuggling Into the Forced Labor Zone?
Wed Feb 08 04:34:44 +0000 2017
SOCIAL: Honored Minstrels of the Howling Portal to Beseech Exodites of the Crimson Nexus
Tue Feb 07 22:07:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "Now that he's drained the swamps the only water for the village is my well! Not what I voted for." #TrumpRegrets
— @MegatronusRex
Tue Feb 07 21:27:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "Now that he's drained the swamps the only water for the village is my well! Not what I voted for." #TrumpRegrets
— @MegatronusRex
Tue Feb 07 21:27:57 +0000 2017
Thing Lurking in Well Expresses "Growing Dissatisfaction" With Trump Regime
Tue Feb 07 21:22:15 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Alabama Teen Mounts the Precipice of Heaven, Sets Free the Secrets of the Dawn
Tue Feb 07 13:04:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING https://t.co/mKt8lCpa9m
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Feb 07 04:01:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Such a Quiet Neighbor Holds Fundraiser, Expected to File Papers
— @Loganchance
Mon Feb 06 21:44:07 +0000 2017
Interviewed by CNN's Masked Gunman, Knife-Wielding Maniac Dismisses Rumors of Primary, Stabs Seven
Mon Feb 06 21:39:42 +0000 2017
Sources: Knife-Wielding Maniac (R-KY) May Face Primary Challenge
Mon Feb 06 21:38:35 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 Lifestyle: https://t.co/LAKwfSsxWl
— @cveidson
Mon Feb 06 14:23:04 +0000 2017
Should Inattentive Staffers Who Mistake Work Twitter Accounts for Personal Ones Be Publicly Crucified? We Ask the Experts
Mon Feb 06 09:54:10 +0000 2017
Are Gay Mosquitoes the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Experts
Mon Feb 06 09:46:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ugh, it's the same overcommercialised dreck every single Superb Owl visitation
— @Chirurgic
Mon Feb 06 03:43:37 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Superb Owl Airlifted to Whispering Woods by Dozens of Witches on Broomsticks
Mon Feb 06 03:41:22 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 can you blame him after the Massacre at Bowling Green?
— @jamiepastore
Mon Feb 06 02:42:00 +0000 2017
Trump Signs Executive Order Abolishing the Color Green
Mon Feb 06 02:36:44 +0000 2017
Experts: https://t.co/9EpylfcrlM
Mon Feb 06 01:14:35 +0000 2017
"'Tis As I Feared:" Pressed for Comment on Superb Owl, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Shakes Head Sadly, Takes to Sky on Broomstick
Mon Feb 06 01:14:16 +0000 2017
In Unprecedented Development, Scientists Report Superb Owl "Seemingly Subject" to Mundane Laws of Physics
Mon Feb 06 01:12:10 +0000 2017
Sources: Superb Owl Seemingly "Unable to Fly" Upon Entering Earth Atmosphere
Mon Feb 06 01:10:46 +0000 2017
Severely Wounded Superb Owl Climbs Slowly to Top of Wells Fargo Plaza as Medics in Helicopters Attempt to Treat Its Injuries
Mon Feb 06 01:10:13 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Superb Owl Crash-Lands in Houston, Crushing Seven Buildings Beneath Its Bulk
Sun Feb 05 23:44:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i desperately want more... "coverage"... of this story...
— @martijaxn
Sun Feb 05 07:26:50 +0000 2017
Erotican President-Erect: Supreme Phallocrat Has "An Obvious Vagenda," "Cannot be Trysted"
Sun Feb 05 07:24:51 +0000 2017
Supreme Phallocrat of Tit Plateau Slams President-Erect of Erotican Repubic as "Voremonger"
Sun Feb 05 07:22:09 +0000 2017
Press Secretary Spicer Orders Podium Replaced With Sacrificial Altar, "Like Unto The Ancient Times"
Sun Feb 05 05:16:06 +0000 2017
"I Once Knew A Man, He Unhinged His Jaw, Whole Alligator Came Crawling Out:" Trump Vows to Reinstate Muslim Travel Ban
Sun Feb 05 05:13:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 TV Pun-dits Dismiss Watermelon Cult as "Out of Their Right Mind For the Mighty Rind"
— @70_million
Sun Feb 05 01:54:58 +0000 2017
Dakota Watermelon Cult Blamed in String of Supermarket Burnings
Sun Feb 05 01:30:51 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Previous generations never testified about the effects of "Discontinued Item #6". This is our fault and shame.
— @ladyjax
Sun Feb 05 00:47:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 @johnb78 @melshubs “Experts”: PTSD https://t.co/NsOMq3rO3t
— @shenmaxiu
Sun Feb 05 00:44:11 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Report More & More Teens Dealing in "Discontinued Item #7"
Sun Feb 05 00:41:23 +0000 2017
Is Nazi-Punching the Reason Trump Won? Find Out Tonight at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sun Feb 05 00:10:32 +0000 2017
Experts: "Prophecy" https://t.co/mvo3Vks5lp
Sat Feb 04 23:51:12 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Factcheck. Diplomatic accreditation to the Empire and the other hidden powers is ended by occlusion, not recall.
— @umacf24
Sat Feb 04 23:33:36 +0000 2017
Global Collapse of Necromancy Industry "Clear Sign" Great Undoing Has Begun, Seers Report
Sat Feb 04 23:33:27 +0000 2017
"I Believe God is Within Us All," "He's Inside Us & He's Trying to Escape:" GOP Majority Leader Clarifies "Controversial" Remarks on Islam
Sat Feb 04 23:27:34 +0000 2017
"You Can't Spell 'America' Without '
REDACTED
:'" Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) Issues "Moving Statement" on Forsaken-Amendment Rights
Sat Feb 04 23:23:56 +0000 2017
Ambassador to the Invisible Empire Recalled After Oneiromancy Scandal
Sat Feb 04 23:06:49 +0000 2017
Trump Celebrates Final Day of National Blood Extraction Week by Releasing Thousands of Mosquitoes at Press Conference
Sat Feb 04 23:03:53 +0000 2017
FASHION: Is "Indistinct Mumbling at Night" the New "Man Without Shadow Sitting Next to You on Subway?" We Ask Fashion Icon @realKhaddaraz
Sat Feb 04 23:02:23 +0000 2017
@_HaikusGoddess @ApprovedNews6 we're alabama. there's not a whole lot else goin' on...
— @martijaxn
Sat Feb 04 22:40:37 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Again? After the turnip fiasco, you'd think they'd stick to vampires or mutant ticks. Are there payoffs somewhere?
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sat Feb 04 22:30:21 +0000 2017
"And the Valleys Shall Echo With the Cries of the Damned:" Republicans Vote Overwhelmingly to Restore Old Motto to American Currency
Sat Feb 04 22:26:17 +0000 2017
All French Citizens Are Now Jet Powered
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Feb 04 22:15:04 +0000 2017
Why Intel Is Filling the Skies With Bees
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Feb 04 21:09:57 +0000 2017
Protesters With Blank Signs Silently Chanting Several Feet Above National Mall
Sat Feb 04 20:14:29 +0000 2017
State of Alabama Celebrates National Blood Extraction Week by Declaring War on Space
Sat Feb 04 10:12:47 +0000 2017
HOROSCOPE: You Will Get Exactly What You Deserve
Sat Feb 04 10:12:37 +0000 2017
Local Conservative "Can't Stop" Thinking About The Children: "I Am Haunted By Visions of Corrupted Faces"
— @softfennec
Sat Feb 04 04:58:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew!
— @particle_p
Sat Feb 04 04:12:28 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the very white meat
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Sat Feb 04 03:46:54 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 That's because the youth have stopped making the ceremonial crop circles. Hadn't had Strangulodendrons here since the 1790's.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sat Feb 04 03:46:42 +0000 2017
COOKING: Five Nutritious Uses of Nazis the Whole Family Can Enjoy
Sat Feb 04 03:41:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 [Pending Approval] Local News Affiliate: https://t.co/cnXBv5cD4V
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Feb 04 03:36:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 So typical of the biased media, not giving the shriekling's side of the debate.
— @listelian
Fri Feb 03 20:37:09 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Razortoothed Shriekling Rips Off Reporter's Leg, Disappears into D.C. Catacombs
Fri Feb 03 20:23:40 +0000 2017
"Those Things Carry Diseases:" Dems Defend Block of Razortoothed Shriekling Nominated by Trump
Fri Feb 03 19:49:25 +0000 2017
Republicans Furious as Democrats Block Confirmation of Razortoothed Shriekling as Supreme Court Justice
Fri Feb 03 19:47:30 +0000 2017
Choir of the Unseen Device Slams Trump as "Insufficiently Inscrutable"
Fri Feb 03 19:27:06 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Weird And Wacky! https://t.co/wu8sF9R6Ce
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Feb 03 19:12:21 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 not to be confuse with Malignicon Atlanta, the southeast's premier necromancy convention
— @Chirurgic
Fri Feb 03 09:57:09 +0000 2017
Wild Strangulodendrons Menacing Wheat Crops, Small Children Across South
Fri Feb 03 08:32:34 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 It’s abridged. Don’t be fooled.
— @substitute
Fri Feb 03 07:58:11 +0000 2017
Malignicon Nocturna Returns to Bookshelves After Long-Awaited Copycurse Expiration
Fri Feb 03 07:57:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 [Alternate Reality Opinion] https://t.co/d0XXU5KF84
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Feb 03 00:01:18 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Sen. Schumer Dons Tattered Black Cloak, Top Hat, Sinks Slowly Into Floor
Thu Feb 02 20:48:53 +0000 2017
Sen. Schumer (D-NY): "Senate Democrats, We're the Accountability, We're the Wet Whisper in Your Ear, We're the Shadow in the Water"
Thu Feb 02 20:47:48 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/hwJiDsKly6
Thu Feb 02 15:45:26 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 No coverage of the gibbering Hitlers chased by masked flame elementals in Berkeley? THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA AT WORK AGAIN!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Thu Feb 02 04:26:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Thinkpiece: A Blanket Over My Head Is All I Need To Fend Them Off
— @Chirurgic
Thu Feb 02 01:15:04 +0000 2017
Sources: They Have Found You
Wed Feb 01 21:35:15 +0000 2017
Are Glitch Bandits the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Hard Questions, Tonight at 8/7c - Only on Approved News 6
Wed Feb 01 20:36:43 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
This Levitating Dog Wants to Teach Your Toddlers the Secrets of Kabbalah
Wed Feb 01 18:58:29 +0000 2017
Rising Taxes on Possessed Antiques Lead to Growth in Exorcism Sector
Wed Feb 01 18:54:55 +0000 2017
Kansas City Object Begins to Rotate
Wed Feb 01 09:15:45 +0000 2017
"How Many Have You Killed?" Demand Experts, Backing Away Slowly, Eyes Wide With Fear
Wed Feb 01 08:36:03 +0000 2017
Sen. Thanaton Luciphage (💀-CA) Sponsors Bill to "Scrape Away the Obscenity of Life," "Dismantle the Lie of Being"
Wed Feb 01 08:31:35 +0000 2017
Is Satoshi Nakamoto the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Experts
Wed Feb 01 08:25:20 +0000 2017
Weasel electrocuted at CERN to go on display https://t.co/SgEgVwsdJR
— @xeni
Wed Feb 01 07:48:10 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Gators dispatched. 🐊
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Wed Feb 01 06:57:16 +0000 2017
Florida Man Escapes Florida
Wed Feb 01 06:40:49 +0000 2017
Supreme Court Justice, Decorative Battleaxe Collector Martha E. Wallace: "The Supreme Court is No Place for Razortoothed Shrieklings"
Wed Feb 01 06:10:49 +0000 2017
"Let's Put Politics Aside & Confirm This... What Is This Thing Again?" Sen. Urges Confirmation of Razortoothed Shriekling Gnawing on his Leg
Wed Feb 01 02:10:06 +0000 2017
Trump Nominates Razortoothed Shriekling as Supreme Court Justice
Wed Feb 01 01:58:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 on the upside, they're delicious on toast
— @Chirurgic
Wed Feb 01 01:58:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 US diplomats say of Eroticans' threats: "They're getting hard to swallow."
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Jan 31 17:38:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 A public service announcement concerning sexual health https://t.co/yNamDtEIN3
— @JuEeHa
Tue Jan 31 17:38:17 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic Threatens "World Vore III"
Tue Jan 31 07:52:17 +0000 2017
Razortoothed Shriekling Infestations Up "Nearly 600%" Since Fall of the Whispering Citadel, Analysts Report
Tue Jan 31 06:12:33 +0000 2017
She Who Must Be Avoided Faces Criticism For "Softball" Interview With She Who Throttles the Dawn
Tue Jan 31 06:09:42 +0000 2017
Trump Issues Executive Order Increasing Frequency of Mutant Cullings
Tue Jan 31 06:08:13 +0000 2017
Spelling Bee Ends in Disaster After Thousands of Bees Resist Students' Spells, Escape to Terrorize Countryside
Tue Jan 31 06:06:27 +0000 2017
Former Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Flees Washington After Department Headquarters Fumigated
Tue Jan 31 06:03:35 +0000 2017
New Law Would Require All Americans to Follow Trump's Twitter Accounts
Tue Jan 31 03:12:29 +0000 2017
hey @ApprovedNews6 readers. with my country's ongoing collapse into outright fascism, what would you most like to see from AN6 right now?
— @velartrill
Tue Jan 31 02:02:57 +0000 2017
@joe_no_body @ApprovedNews6 I have great woodchipper nostalgia from my short career as an entertainment journalist in ‘87
— @substitute
Tue Jan 31 01:51:40 +0000 2017
In "Inspirational" Show of Bipartisanship, Senators Gather on National Mall to Chant Lies at Sky
Tue Jan 31 01:50:42 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Press Secretary Spicer Crushes Reporter's Head, Incinerates Five Others With Nostril Lasers
Tue Jan 31 01:38:47 +0000 2017
"I Got Great Feelings About This Guy:" Trump Appoints Malevolent Android Sean Spicer Press Secretary
Tue Jan 31 01:37:39 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
White House Press Secretary Count Totenkopf von Hakenkreuz Fired After Making "Overly Lenient" Statements
Tue Jan 31 01:35:43 +0000 2017
<extremely @ApprovedNews6 voice> PALE, FEATURELESS CUBE CONTINUES ITS MULTI-CENTURY CONQUEST https://t.co/eJa0ICzOMB
— @krinndnz
Mon Jan 30 19:53:32 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
The Revered Masters of the Seventh Holistic Demesne Must Immediately Cease Controlling the Minds of Newspaper Columnists
Mon Jan 30 18:53:30 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Heresiarch Salamandra Must Immediately Apologize to the Revered Masters of the Seventh Holistic Desmesne
Mon Jan 30 07:19:43 +0000 2017
Astronomers: Department of Pain "Steadily Accelerating," On "Direct Course" for Proxima Centauri
Mon Jan 30 07:12:19 +0000 2017
Department of Pain's Staff, D.C. Headquarters Rise Suddenly Into Air, Exit Earth Atmosphere
Mon Jan 30 07:10:32 +0000 2017
Hysterical Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-██) Seen Flushing Barrels of Fish Down Toilet in Senate Men's Room
Mon Jan 30 07:08:07 +0000 2017
Ghoul of the Tattered Dome, Former Trump Supporter, Voices Support for Detained Immigrants
Mon Jan 30 07:03:44 +0000 2017
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Responds to All Questions About Bird Nesting in His Hair by Cooing Softly, Licking Long, Serrated Dagger
Mon Jan 30 06:50:17 +0000 2017
Is Stone Hoarding the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Hard Questions, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Jan 30 06:44:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Bone Party Headquarters Found Deserted Save For "Haunting Wind," Floor Buried Beneath Layer of Sand
Mon Jan 30 06:40:15 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/IWuNhqdTUO
— @TheBoundWatcher
Mon Jan 30 06:38:51 +0000 2017
7 Signs Your Toddler Has Been Compromised by the Russians
Mon Jan 30 06:36:19 +0000 2017
"The Claw, the Claw, I Will Have the Claw:" Trump Seen Digging Frantically in White House Yard with Bare Hands
Mon Jan 30 06:34:21 +0000 2017
Has the NSA Infiltrated Major Media Outlets to Sow Paranoia, Conflict Between Primary, Secondary Personalities? We Ask the Experts
Mon Jan 30 06:32:22 +0000 2017
Has the NSA Implanted a Secondary Personality in Your Brain to Report on You As You Sleep? The Answer May Surprise You!
Mon Jan 30 06:27:56 +0000 2017
"We're In This for the Long Haul:" Protesters at Dulles Setting Down Blood Runes to Repel Federal Agents
Mon Jan 30 01:54:34 +0000 2017
"Gaping, Seeping Wounds," "I Haven't Slept in Months:" Kellyanne Conway Defends Trump's First Week in Office
Mon Jan 30 01:51:11 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Newslord 4 Slams Reporters for "Softball Questions," Condemns Them to "Toil Eternal" in the News Mines
Sun Jan 29 12:44:49 +0000 2017
Great Council of Newslords, Visibly Agitated, Denies Involvement in Newslord 4's Announcement
Sun Jan 29 12:42:44 +0000 2017
"No More:" Clenching Fist, Newslord 4 Vows to Build "Empire" of News, "Like Unto Those Unseen Since Times Beyond Memory"
Sun Jan 29 12:41:22 +0000 2017
"We Have Grown Fat & Weak off the Spoils of Our Conquest:" Newslord 4 Decries Approved News 6 as "Decadent," "Lax"
Sun Jan 29 12:39:00 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Newslord 4 Calls Emergency Press Conference
Sun Jan 29 12:36:42 +0000 2017
Trump Orders Department of Piss to "Relax Regulations" on Public Urination
Sun Jan 29 12:22:30 +0000 2017
Unapproved News "One Hundred Times More Likely" to Cause News Poisoning, Say News Scientists
Sun Jan 29 12:15:03 +0000 2017
Maine Forced Labor Zone Reaches Previously Unrecorded Levels of Patriotism, Efficiency
Sun Jan 29 12:08:27 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Conquers Wales
Sun Jan 29 10:43:55 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Hell Freezes Over
Sun Jan 29 10:00:41 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 One-star reviews skyrocket after customers are driven in a circle and let out at their own front doors by cackling drivers.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Sun Jan 29 09:47:20 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 I can get some use out of my idle handbasket!
— @timserpas
Sun Jan 29 09:47:07 +0000 2017
"We Will Definitely Have Elections in 2018," "That Is A Thing That Will Happen," Says White House Press Secretary, Unprompted
Sun Jan 29 07:40:40 +0000 2017
Are Millennial Vore Fiends the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Hard Questions, Only on Approved News 6
Sun Jan 29 07:38:35 +0000 2017
Are the Russians Reponsible for Your Failed Marriage? The Answer May Surprise You!
Sun Jan 29 07:36:57 +0000 2017
Über Adds Service to Hell
Sun Jan 29 06:21:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 the 10th didn't escape and is practicing from prison.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sun Jan 29 01:25:48 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Survey Indicates 9/10 Dentists Are Escaped Nazi War Criminals
Sun Jan 29 01:22:01 +0000 2017
Are Piss Nazis the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Hard Questions, Tonight at 8/7c
Fri Jan 27 21:24:36 +0000 2017
Trump's Use of "Powerful Amulets" A "Clear Violation" of Forsaken Amendment, Say Constitutional Lawyers
Fri Jan 27 20:49:48 +0000 2017
You Can Make You Dumber
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jan 27 12:10:55 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Erotican Opposition Leader Seduces Reporter
Fri Jan 27 12:08:02 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Finally political action we can all... . . . Get behind.
— @DiogenesBub
Fri Jan 27 12:07:28 +0000 2017
Erotic Repubic: Opposition Senators Stress Need to "Reach Around the Aisle"
Fri Jan 27 11:52:16 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Glowing Swastika basically said all the right things. Confirm Glowing Swazi now or risk someone even worse. Gotta pay it fwd
— @Noble_E1nherjar
Fri Jan 27 04:55:10 +0000 2017
Senators Continued to Repeat Phrase, Voices Dropping Slowly in Pitch as Lights Began Flickering & Unearthly Wind Ro… https://t.co/UdLq9Lo01N
Fri Jan 27 04:50:52 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Democrats Vote Unanimously to Confirm Enormous Glowing Swastika as Secretary of Piss
Fri Jan 27 02:15:25 +0000 2017
Enraged by Trolls, Trump Orders Construction of "Cybercannon" Atop White House
Thu Jan 26 22:33:38 +0000 2017
Nobel Laureate Dr. Bloodcrunch X. Panzerfaust Warns Trump's Access to Ontological Weapons "Catastrophic Threat" to Baseline Reality
Thu Jan 26 18:40:37 +0000 2017
Microsoft Hell Criticized for "Incompatibility" With Common Soul Brands
Thu Jan 26 18:37:05 +0000 2017
Obama Appears Nationwide in All Reflective Surfaces, Lit Only by Dim Oil Lamp, Silently Weeping
Thu Jan 26 18:35:13 +0000 2017
Report: Trump "Seriously Considering" Replacing Secret Service With Evil Prisms
Thu Jan 26 18:32:47 +0000 2017
"I Had the Strangest Dream:" Democratic Sen. Tim Kaine, Missing, Believed to Have Never Existed, Found Dazed but Unharmed in D.C. Office
Thu Jan 26 08:15:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 and this is, somehow, regarded as noteworthy.
— @millenomi
Thu Jan 26 07:09:27 +0000 2017
Pressed on Illuminati Intervention, White House Press Secretary Dons Troll Skull, Begins Speaking in Tongues
Thu Jan 26 07:05:56 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Washing machines? is that even constitutional?
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu Jan 26 06:37:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 guilty of blood hoarding to boot!
— @timserpas
Thu Jan 26 06:36:46 +0000 2017
Illuminati Black Helicopters Depart After Spraying White House With Thick Black Chemical Fog, Leaving Staff "Dazed & Compliant"
Thu Jan 26 06:09:00 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Blood-Red Ravens Refuse to Engage Illuminati Helicopters on Approach to White House, Leaving Airspace Uncontested
Thu Jan 26 06:07:14 +0000 2017
Illuminati, Angered by Trump's Broadcast, Declares "Threat Condition THOUGHTFUL PARSNIP," Dispatches Black Helicopters to White House
Thu Jan 26 06:04:22 +0000 2017
Lit Only by Flickering Candles & Wearing Dusty, Tattered Robes, Trump Makes Emergency Broadcast to Recite Washing Machine Manual
Thu Jan 26 06:02:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 In that case, I suspect the Blood-Red Ravens will be unappeased by the next inauguration sacrifices.
— @QuireInk
Thu Jan 26 05:58:30 +0000 2017
Witnesses Report "Geysers of Blood" Erupting From Senator's Bodies, "More Blood Than They Could Possibly Have Conta… https://t.co/pDNMjayZr4
Thu Jan 26 05:58:14 +0000 2017
Scientists Debunk Teeth
Thu Jan 26 05:57:23 +0000 2017
Pressed on Pain Quotas, Department of Pain Nominee Angrily Denies Being Escaped Nazi War Criminal Kept Alive by Dark Sorcery
Thu Jan 26 05:55:10 +0000 2017
White House Sources Report Trump "Carting in Boxes & Boxes of Amulets," "Some of Them Are Trying to Get Out"
Thu Jan 26 05:53:27 +0000 2017
Romney Recants 2015 Claim Humans "Are Full of Blood" After Spontaneous Senate Exsanguinations
Thu Jan 26 05:49:14 +0000 2017
Belgium Resurfaces, "Subtly, Yet Pervasively" Changed Since Sinking in 1499
Thu Jan 26 05:47:51 +0000 2017
Will Your Loved Ones Fall Victim to the 7th Great Curse? Submit Yourself to Soul-Interrogation by the Unseen Ones & Find Out Now!
Thu Jan 26 05:46:40 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
7 Senators Spontaneously Exsanguinate
Thu Jan 26 05:42:50 +0000 2017
Avoid Democratectomy With a Daily Nazi-Punching, Say Doctors
Thu Jan 26 05:33:10 +0000 2017
Trump Orders Slow Loris-Hunt After Obama's Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Gnaws Messages of Defiance Into Corpses of Cabinet Officials
Thu Jan 26 04:53:41 +0000 2017
Protesters Report New Breeds of Police Sighted, With Venom Sacs, Sharper Spines
Thu Jan 26 04:52:08 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 this news is clearly not approved https://t.co/pvSWwWk2Cm
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Jan 26 01:39:37 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Democratic Senators Faint in Shock https://t.co/dRQ0GY4qon
Wed Jan 25 23:30:05 +0000 2017
"Hyperbolic Accusations Accomplish Nothing:" Democratic Senators Urge "Tolerance," "Respectful Dialogue" With Enormous Glowing Swastika
Wed Jan 25 22:56:01 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 please, Glühende-Hakenkreuz-American
— @Chirurgic
Wed Jan 25 22:54:35 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Sentient Swastika Defends Self Against Accusations of Nazism, Accuses Reporters of "Rassenschande"
Wed Jan 25 22:51:56 +0000 2017
Trump Proposes Creation of Federal-Level Department of Piss, to be Headed by Gigantic Glowing Sentient Swastika
Wed Jan 25 22:49:53 +0000 2017
Approved News 6 Editorial Board Takes Patriotic, Courageous Stance Against Mustache-Twirling Cartoon Villainy
Wed Jan 25 21:06:15 +0000 2017
Citizens. Why punch a Nazi when you could instead submit unquestioningly to the wise and profound edicts of your rightful masters?
— @ApprovedNews7
Wed Jan 25 19:36:16 +0000 2017
Senate Moves to Add "Heckling" as Legal Definition of Murder
Wed Jan 25 07:21:23 +0000 2017
Fun Fact: Prairie dogs live in colonies that can comprise thousands of individuals. As such they are collectivists… https://t.co/EG2Q841Udx
— @BadIandsNPS
Wed Jan 25 05:05:12 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
"Sand Ghasts Against Trump" Alleges Infiltration Attempts by Agents Provocateurs
Wed Jan 25 02:46:18 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Should've invested in half-truths. Far more sustainable.
— @awr_yeah
Wed Jan 25 02:04:54 +0000 2017
National Shark Service Devours White House Staffer to Protest Social Media Ban
Wed Jan 25 01:54:45 +0000 2017
Strategic National Fact Reserve Depleted
Wed Jan 25 01:48:48 +0000 2017
BREAKING: NEWSLORD 7 ISSUES URGENT PROCLAMATION https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/yaT1TGD5Xs
— @ApprovedNews6
Wed Jan 25 01:28:18 +0000 2017
Americans for Traditional Torments Clashes with Alt-Pain Activists
Tue Jan 24 21:35:58 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Medium CEO to lead protest against thinkpiece control
— @halishuman
Tue Jan 24 15:08:38 +0000 2017
Doctors warn that manga can cause hysteria in those under 12
— @ParentsWarnings
Tue Jan 24 10:43:09 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Warn Parenting May Result in Teens
Tue Jan 24 08:30:15 +0000 2017
"I Didn't Mean to Hit It That Hard:" Florida Man Attempting to Hang Picture Accidentally Splits Atom
Tue Jan 24 07:12:20 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Thinkpieces, Not Punching Nazis, Won World War II
Tue Jan 24 05:50:32 +0000 2017
Former Vice President Joe Biden Seen in Whispering Woods Conferring With Fairy Queen, Who Does Not Exist
Tue Jan 24 04:08:06 +0000 2017
"The Yellow Defiler's Foothold Upon This World Cannot Be Allowed To Remain:" Sister Vindicta Issues Statement on Trump Inauguration
Mon Jan 23 23:43:43 +0000 2017
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Declare Formation of "Cascadian Empire," Begin Preparations to Annex Idaho
Mon Jan 23 23:41:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 oh no, I hope there's not another Cubism Missile Crisis
— @rabcyr_alt
Mon Jan 23 19:46:49 +0000 2017
Is Cubism the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Tough Questions, Tonight at 8/7c
Mon Jan 23 19:22:35 +0000 2017
Florida Man Invades Poland
Mon Jan 23 19:16:17 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/li34MNyuBZ
— @cveidson
Mon Jan 23 18:40:38 +0000 2017
Skullwave Band "Sluthammer" Becomes First to Perform Legally in Hell Since 2015 Embargo
Mon Jan 23 06:42:36 +0000 2017
White House Press Secretary Count Totenkopf von Hakenkreuz Firmly Denies Accusations of Nazism While Idly Carving Iron Cross On Podium
Mon Jan 23 06:09:49 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Trump Ends Hell Embargo, Moves to Restore Infernal-American Relations
Mon Jan 23 06:02:09 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic to Undertake Nationwide Ass Reform
Mon Jan 23 04:04:30 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Rising Demand for Gas Chambers is Good for Jobs https://t.co/Oa1bymSZBC
Mon Jan 23 00:24:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Critical infrastructure has been neglected for too long
— @formercrsc
Mon Jan 23 00:18:58 +0000 2017
OPINION:
We Need Strong Private-Sector Investment to Revitalize the Flagging Nazi-Punching Industry
Sun Jan 22 22:30:51 +0000 2017
DC-Based Pressure Group Americans for a Dread Tomorrow Slams Trump's "Inaction" on Great Golden Beast
Sun Jan 22 19:40:54 +0000 2017
Are Socialist Carrier Pigeons the Reason Trump Won? We Ask the Tough Questions, Tonight at 8/7c
Sun Jan 22 19:24:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 127? We know the true figure is higher - why are you hiding it from us?
— @insomniacity
Sun Jan 22 18:59:46 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Reports several trapped citizens gentrified beyond all recognition; one couple converted into a "cut… https://t.co/3vMzpKOTYA
— @Chirurgic
Sun Jan 22 18:59:22 +0000 2017
Please. Please send help. They are disrupting our souls. https://t.co/dVmCcqWjL2
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sun Jan 22 18:59:14 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Trump's Pick for Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Found Dismembered in Office, Bearing Signs of Attack by Slow Loris
Sun Jan 22 18:58:51 +0000 2017
Former Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash "Hiding in the Walls," Say Department Staff: "We Fear Him"
Sun Jan 22 18:57:53 +0000 2017
"They're Just Funding Everything Indiscriminately," "The Carnage is Beyond Description:" SF Residents Forced to Shelter in Place
Sun Jan 22 18:57:18 +0000 2017
San Francisco Declares State of Emergency After Swarm of Feral Investors Sighted Downtown
Sun Jan 22 18:55:55 +0000 2017
Ornithologists: Behavior of Blood-Red Ravens "Unprecedented," "Likely Linked" to Destruction of Whalebone Scepter
Sat Jan 21 21:27:51 +0000 2017
Blood-Red Ravens Break Off Assault on White House to Circle Above D.C. Protesters, Carry Howling Police Away Into the Sky
Sat Jan 21 21:25:30 +0000 2017
American indolence and cut it out with new corrective labor programs and long, rusty scissors. We're going to make America bleed again.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 20 21:36:11 +0000 2017
We're going to put Americans back to work. We're going to use whips, we're going to use knives, we're going to take the rotting heart of
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 20 21:36:06 +0000 2017
The Department of Obedience is pleased to report that all operations will be significantly expanded under the new administration.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 20 21:36:01 +0000 2017
"I Dunno, Man," "We'd Have to Go Ask the Principal for a Key," "Not Really Worth It:" Secret Service Abandons Attempt to Free Steve Bannon
Fri Jan 20 21:09:30 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Secret Service Makes Halfhearted Attempt to Free Steve Bannon from High School Locker
Fri Jan 20 21:08:28 +0000 2017
Blood-Red Ravens Continue to Circle White House, Attack Windows
Fri Jan 20 21:04:56 +0000 2017
Emaciated, Horned Man in Grotesque Wooden Mask Seen Pounding on White House Door, Howling Inhumanly
Fri Jan 20 21:02:50 +0000 2017
Melania Trump, in Radical Speech, Vows To Transfer Power To the Forgotten Man
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Jan 20 20:08:19 +0000 2017
Words Donald Trump said for the first time in any U.S. inaugural address https://t.co/35FAQMgktj
— @PostGraphics
Fri Jan 20 20:05:22 +0000 2017
Lightning strikes San Francisco's Transamerica Pyramid and nearby tower shortly after 4am. Credit: Simon Allardice… https://t.co/NJ2HfDGgKS
— @RobMayeda
Fri Jan 20 19:30:38 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Massed Replicas of Obama, Last Seen Slowly Circling D.C., Confirmed to Have Vanished at Exact Moment of Biden's Return
Fri Jan 20 18:18:07 +0000 2017
Rejected by Blood-Red Ravens & Whalebone Scepter, Trump's Legitimacy as 127th President of the United States "Worryingly Unclear"
Fri Jan 20 18:12:44 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 I'm sure someone would insist to me that's not ominous & assure my that my sudden affliction of fiery stigmata mean nothing.
— @dyslexxicon
Fri Jan 20 18:10:15 +0000 2017
Biden, Obama Family Escorted Into Rickety Carriage as President Trump Flees Wrath of Blood-Red Ravens #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 18:09:13 +0000 2017
"They Took Away Your Thoughts But It's All Right Now, I've Got Them Right Here:" Newly-Manifested Joe Biden Embraces Tearful Obama
Fri Jan 20 18:07:14 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Vice President Joe Biden, Whom We Had Somehow All Forgotten, Emerges Before Altar in Blast of Light & Wind
Fri Jan 20 18:05:50 +0000 2017
"Joe? Can — Can It Really Be You?" Hesitantly, Obama Steps Forward, Reaches Out to Ghostly Figure #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 18:01:59 +0000 2017
"Barack, You Know Me," "Come On, We Can Fix This, Take My Hand:" Ghostly Figure at Altar Warmly Addresses Obama as Thunder Roars All Around
Fri Jan 20 17:59:24 +0000 2017
"It — It's You," "But You — I Thought — You Don't Exist — You Never Existed:" Obama Slowly Backs Away as Glowing Figure at Altar Reaches Out
Fri Jan 20 17:57:43 +0000 2017
Ghostly Figure Before Inaugural Altar Grows Brighter & Brighter, Transfixing All Who Gaze Upon It; Obama, Shaking, Slowly Removes Blindfold
Fri Jan 20 17:55:51 +0000 2017
Blood-Red Ravens Descend as One, Vomiting, Dropping Dead Fish on Trump as #Inauguration Audience Panics
Fri Jan 20 17:53:32 +0000 2017
Trump Struck by Lightning Seven Times as #Inauguration Audience Screams and Cowers
Fri Jan 20 17:52:18 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
IN BLINDING FLASH, WHALEBONE SCEPTER OF OFFICE SHATTERS AT TRUMP'S TOUCH
Fri Jan 20 17:50:59 +0000 2017
"The Claw Will Soon Be Mine:" Howling in Glee, Trump Seizes Whalebone Scepter, as Shrieks of Blood-Red Ravens Reach Crescendo #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:48:15 +0000 2017
In Final Act as President, Obama Solemnly Raises Up Whalebone Scepter of Office, Presents it to Donald Trump #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:45:03 +0000 2017
Trump Haltingly Finishes #Inauguration Oath as Lightning Flashes & Ghostly, Gaffe-Prone Presence Begins to Form Before Altar
Fri Jan 20 17:43:18 +0000 2017
Obama Dismisses Destruction of Codex Salamandrium, Citing Need for "Peaceful Transition," Urges #Inauguration Oath to Continue
Fri Jan 20 17:40:52 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Codex Salamandrium Bursts Into Terrible Black Flame at Trump's Touch #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:38:29 +0000 2017
Ground at #Inauguration Begins to Shake as Trump Places Hand Upon Codex Salamandrium, Recites Oath of Office
Fri Jan 20 17:36:45 +0000 2017
Justice Roberts Unfurls Vellum Scroll, Prepares to Administer Oath of Office as Strange, Unearthly Lights Dance Behind Him #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:34:24 +0000 2017
Thunder Rumbles in Sky Above #Inauguration as Figures in Waterlogged Robes Slowly Emerge from Reflecting Pool
Fri Jan 20 17:27:58 +0000 2017
Librarian of Congress, Hidden Beneath Ashen Veil, Places Codex Salamandrium Upon Inaugural Altar #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:26:36 +0000 2017
Blood-Red Ravens Descend from Sky to Feast Upon Blood of #Inauguration Sacrifices, Plumage Growing Swiftly More Vibrant
Fri Jan 20 17:23:45 +0000 2017
Shrieking of Blood-Red Ravens Intensifies as Librarian of Congress Arrives at #Inauguration in Carved Jade Palanquin
Fri Jan 20 17:20:39 +0000 2017
"The Appointed Hour Is At Hand:" Bone Oracles Lead Blindfolded President, President-Elect to Inaugural Altar #Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 17:18:26 +0000 2017
Rickety, Scorched Carriage Drawn by Jet-Black Horses Arrives at #Inauguration, Carrying President Obama, Trump
Fri Jan 20 17:16:31 +0000 2017
Ceremonial Throat-Cutting of #Inauguration Audience Turns Reflecting Pool Red With Blood
Fri Jan 20 17:13:51 +0000 2017
#Inauguration: Hollow-Eyed Senate Staffers Lead Hundreds of Chained, Emaciated Sacrificial Witnesses to National Mall
Fri Jan 20 17:12:19 +0000 2017
Blood-Red Ravens Blot Out Sky Over D.C. as #Inauguration Commences
Fri Jan 20 17:11:02 +0000 2017
Americans for a Dread Tomorrow Urges Teens to "Just Say
REDACTED
" to Drugs
Fri Jan 20 09:58:01 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
NEWSLORD 7 ISSUES URGENT PROCLAMATION https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/yaT1TGD5Xs
Fri Jan 20 08:00:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 No passport, zero respect for borders. Illegal AF.
— @polyparadigm
Fri Jan 20 07:10:35 +0000 2017
When jesus is outlawed only jesus will have outlaws 👏👏👏👏 https://t.co/0RMAzXDPwD
— @cthulhufetish
Fri Jan 20 07:03:42 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/M6xFQV5gpZ
— @Chirurgic
Fri Jan 20 06:58:56 +0000 2017
Inauguration Could "Get Owned" by Teenage Vore Fiends High on Relatable Content, Concerned Parents Warn
Fri Jan 20 06:50:56 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
We Know What Skull Cultists Don't About the Immaculate Prism - Spill Your Blood Upon This Tweet to Find Out!
Fri Jan 20 06:42:29 +0000 2017
Trump Faces Intellectual Property Lawsuit by Electric Nazis From Venus
Fri Jan 20 05:32:16 +0000 2017
Bone Oracles: Soviet Flag Given to Reporter by Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Contains "Many Ancient Magicks," "Secret Wisdom"
Fri Jan 20 05:25:40 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Councilor Hands Reporter Tattered Soviet Flag, Sheds Single Tear as Rain Begins to Fall
Fri Jan 20 05:23:43 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
In Break With ███-Year Tradition, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council "Will Not Attend" Inauguration
Fri Jan 20 05:17:14 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "He will sign Any Book, and then it will be His" Explains Devotee Of The Iron Band
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 20 04:48:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "How did he write a book while imprisoned in the Mouldering Citadel?" Asks One Citizen
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 20 04:48:45 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Local Floridian, OPINION: Not This Crap Again, It's Not Usually Like This, We Just Have A Bad Reputation.
— @theredlongitude
Fri Jan 20 04:47:48 +0000 2017
Freed After Eons from the Mouldering Citadel, King of Rust & Iron Descends on Tampa to Hold Press Conference, Book-Signing Event
Fri Jan 20 04:45:40 +0000 2017
Florida Man, Anointed by the Shrieking Sect of the Seventh Scepter, Descends the Scarlet Precipice, Releases the King of Rust & Iron
Fri Jan 20 04:41:01 +0000 2017
@sciencesuggests @ApprovedNews6 ugh, haven't we had enough trouble from third party candidates already
— @Chirurgic
Thu Jan 19 22:15:38 +0000 2017
Butt-Shaped Cat Could Change Everything
— @sciencesuggests
Thu Jan 19 21:45:13 +0000 2017
"Seven Crowns for the Sparrow God:" Congressional Progressive Caucus Issues Statement on Upcoming Trump Inauguration
Thu Jan 19 19:45:43 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 smh can't believe the MSM won't give Assange the credit he deserves for landing on the moon and defeating the British
— @joe_no_body
Thu Jan 19 16:42:43 +0000 2017
WikiLeaks Criticized for Publishing Unobscured Cognitohazards
Thu Jan 19 01:00:05 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "We can aim much higher," promises Trump.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Thu Jan 19 00:09:20 +0000 2017
Study: Peaceful Transitions Kill Thousands Each Year
Wed Jan 18 20:58:51 +0000 2017
NASA Celebrates First American Sin in Space
Wed Jan 18 20:55:15 +0000 2017
White House Dismisses WikiLeaks as "Controlled Entirely" by "Wicked Gnome" from "Beneath the Earth" Kept in Barrel by Ecuadorian Ambassador
Wed Jan 18 19:52:37 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
WikiLeaks Claims Credit for Moon Landings, War of 1812
Wed Jan 18 19:42:40 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Help Newslord 7 Recover from the Fourth Great Curse by Making a Monthly Pledge Today https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Wed Jan 18 09:51:59 +0000 2017
Apple Introduced "World's Thinnest Laptop" With Serrated Edges, Barbed Keys
Wed Jan 18 08:22:01 +0000 2017
Onetime American Political Commentator Keith Skullbermann Dragged Out of Hiding by News Vigilantes, Forced to Report on Election
Wed Jan 18 00:23:25 +0000 2017
THOUGHT-BROADCAST TO THE INVISIBLE EMPIRE, GET YOUR #FACTS STRAIGHT PPL
— @realKhaddaraz
Wed Jan 18 00:13:37 +0000 2017
so tired of Ppl saying "bernie wld have 1!" we ALL know he wld have been kidnapped by the spider people of Planet 973, HE ADMITTED IT IN HIS
— @realKhaddaraz
Wed Jan 18 00:13:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Trump is illegitimate in that he does not physically exist
— @AndrewNCassidy
Tue Jan 17 18:34:35 +0000 2017
Obama Dismisses Attacks on Trump's Legitimacy: "The Time Has Come to Pass On the Whalebone Scepter"
Tue Jan 17 18:33:42 +0000 2017
As Presidential Inauguration Looms, Millions of Blood-Red Ravens Congregate Upon the Everlasting Spire
Tue Jan 17 18:31:00 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Has anyone welded it shut yet?
— @Xaosopher
Mon Jan 16 10:11:02 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Steve Bannon Still Trapped in High School Locker
Mon Jan 16 10:07:25 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/PV89TTZFs1
— @insomniacity
Mon Jan 16 06:59:34 +0000 2017
Doctors Discover Strain of Javascript Capable of Infecting Humans
Mon Jan 16 00:05:48 +0000 2017
Frustrated by Soaring Airfares, Many Americans Take to Rising Slowly Into the Sky, Never to Return
Sun Jan 15 07:46:55 +0000 2017
Frustrated by Soaring Airfares, Many Americans Take to Rising Slowly Into the Sky, Never to Return
Sun Jan 15 07:46:55 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 #3: Never use your True Name as your PIN.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Jan 15 07:17:12 +0000 2017
7 Ways to Protect Yourself Against Cursed ATMs
Sun Jan 15 07:04:35 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Skullifornia doesn't even need the blood since the vampire purge of 1987.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sun Jan 15 05:01:40 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "I've heard it's poisonous. Whenever you see dead people, there's all this blood in them"
— @zacaj_
Sun Jan 15 05:00:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 "Should we allow it in our children's bodies?" Asks Local Mother Of Three
— @zacaj_
Sun Jan 15 04:57:38 +0000 2017
State of Hellaska Sues Skullifornia Over Blood Policy
Sun Jan 15 04:53:37 +0000 2017
Theocriminologists: Study "Groundbreaking"
Sat Jan 14 23:54:33 +0000 2017
New Study Shows God May Be Illegal
Sat Jan 14 23:53:36 +0000 2017
"Nothing Could Ever Be As Bad As The Great Mistake:" Pundits Slam Protesters for "Trivializing History"
Sat Jan 14 21:22:43 +0000 2017
Survivors of the Great Mistake to Hold Protest During Inauguration
Sat Jan 14 21:18:58 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Citadel of the Flaming Scimitar Repels Siege by Lesser Worm of Pensacola; Defending Forces Vow Vengeance
Fri Jan 13 19:57:25 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Defeat Fascism With This One Weird Trick, Discovered by a Prime Minister - Nazis Hate Him!
Fri Jan 13 07:51:00 +0000 2017
Mayor Robert X. Doomspyre of Terror City, Nebraska Arrested Selling Narcotics to Pigeons
Fri Jan 13 05:47:36 +0000 2017
Report: Justice Department May Insitute Policy of Kinkshaming First-Time Offenders
Fri Jan 13 05:30:06 +0000 2017
New Study Shows Prayer Effective in Breaking Many Common Encryption Algorithms
Fri Jan 13 05:25:27 +0000 2017
Sen. Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Sponsors Bill to "Set Alight the Ancient Pyres," "Let Screams Drown Out All Earthly Clamor"
Fri Jan 13 05:24:30 +0000 2017
American Tree-Punching League Declares Trump Tree
Fri Jan 13 05:21:10 +0000 2017
Is Paranoia an Illuminati Conspiracy? We Examine the Facts
Fri Jan 13 05:18:19 +0000 2017
"Look, These People Are Very Sick, They're Very Dangerous:" Trump Promises to Take "Hard Line" on Telekinesis Sufferers
Fri Jan 13 05:13:35 +0000 2017
Hell Issues Press Release on Infernal-American Relations, Maddening All Who Gaze Upon It, Setting Fire to Ontologically-Nearby Concepts
Fri Jan 13 04:58:39 +0000 2017
Trump: "Together We Shall Feast Upon the Rotting Corpse of God"
Fri Jan 13 04:55:30 +0000 2017
Seven Signs Your Betrothed Could Be An Enchanted Russian Lawn Gnome
Fri Jan 13 02:20:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT: What Are You? Some Kinda Fuckin' Commie? If You Don't Like Cursing the Poor, Move Somewhere Else
— @joe_no_body
Fri Jan 13 01:51:33 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Cursing the Poor May Attract the Attention of Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted
Fri Jan 13 01:38:25 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time to Start Placing Curses on the Poor
Fri Jan 13 01:31:27 +0000 2017
@mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6 and its not like anyone was using it, geez
— @AndrewNCassidy
Thu Jan 12 06:38:57 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Kids these days inject news directly into their veins. Ugly stuff.
— @icambron
Thu Jan 12 06:38:47 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Confusing messaging from Big Pharma contributes to the lack of knowledge about this issue.
— @ladyjax
Thu Jan 12 06:38:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 how can you get upset at someone for destroying something that all you had to do to destroy it was step in it
— @mcclure111
Thu Jan 12 06:18:39 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 i mean uh really it's not so much a "planet" as a "puddle", in three dimensions,
— @mcclure111
Thu Jan 12 06:18:28 +0000 2017
Experts Weigh In on Average Lethal Dose of News https://t.co/dsIirPErHl
Thu Jan 12 06:16:25 +0000 2017
CDC: Many Americans "Underestimate" Average Lethal Dose of News
Thu Jan 12 06:14:21 +0000 2017
News Poisoning Reaches Epidemic Proportions
Thu Jan 12 06:13:44 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man Destroys Neptune... AGAIN!
Thu Jan 12 06:08:33 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 ah, those Lesser Worms, always reliable to liven up a slow news day.
— @thebeardlessone
Wed Jan 11 22:29:12 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Lesser Worm of Pensacola Lays Siege to Citadel of the Flaming Scimitar
Wed Jan 11 21:57:41 +0000 2017
*literally* every single dollar counts. every single $1/month pledge matters. a big thank you to all who've gotten me this far :)
— @velartrill
Wed Jan 11 06:23:11 +0000 2017
reminder that you can help me survive and ensure the continued existence of AN6 by making a monthly pledge at https://t.co/76qHXUf8G3
— @velartrill
Wed Jan 11 06:22:19 +0000 2017
Experts: Many Disadvantaged Individuals Turn to Dread Rites to "Find Relief" from Baleful Spirits, Curses
Wed Jan 11 05:32:36 +0000 2017
Abuse of Dread Rites "On the Rise" Among Low-Income Americans, Say Experts
Wed Jan 11 05:29:09 +0000 2017
Are Teens Getting High on Relatable Content?
Wed Jan 11 01:14:41 +0000 2017
in the mean time, if you've got a hankering for Approved news, there's always the full tweet archive at https://t.co/wuNz5vvOtI
— @velartrill
Tue Jan 10 22:58:35 +0000 2017
and it's impacting my ability to write. thank you to my patrons for bearing with me :)
— @velartrill
Tue Jan 10 22:55:10 +0000 2017
hey @ApprovedNews6 readers! i'm sorry how sporadic my tweets have been lately. i'm currently dealing with some pretty severe heart problems
— @velartrill
Tue Jan 10 22:55:04 +0000 2017
New Law Would Make Use of Ad Blockers Punishable by Death
Tue Jan 10 22:52:34 +0000 2017
My [CORRECTLY ADDRESSED] package was "undeliverable as addressed" but they can deliver unopposed imperialism to Cle… https://t.co/irKkQFSEwU
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Jan 10 03:45:06 +0000 2017
Concerned Parents Report Headquarters Vandalized, Blame "Teenage Quinoa Fiends"
Tue Jan 10 03:43:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Gunning for ol' Dick "Hitler" Hitler's record from 1971? Bold.
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue Jan 10 03:19:08 +0000 2017
Trump Will Employ "More Hitler Clones Than Any Previous Administration," Analysts Report
Mon Jan 09 23:20:08 +0000 2017
Rectangle Council issued the following statement: "No, no, daddy-o, it was all those stiff-necked squares" https://t.co/Iqp92cD5nx
— @cveidson
Mon Jan 09 22:26:08 +0000 2017
"What Dose A Slow Loris Know About Contamination?" Trump Slams Secretary Hellthrash For "Meddling" in "Peaceful Transition"
Mon Jan 09 22:24:38 +0000 2017
Trump "May Be Contaminated," Warns Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash
Mon Jan 09 22:24:05 +0000 2017
Is the Oxford Comma Killing Our Children, Ruining Our Marriages, & Destroying Our Future? Find Out Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Jan 09 22:03:54 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Approved News 6, In "Commendable Show" of "Deepest Patriotism & American Virtue" Moves Website to https://t.co/q6aSBiGH7s
Mon Jan 09 21:41:13 +0000 2017
Imprimator Haereticarum of the Hidden Valley Publishes "Kid's Edition" of Codex Salamandrium
Mon Jan 09 20:39:12 +0000 2017
New Study: Americans' Favorite Hobbies "Meth Overdose," "Yelling at Birds," & "Pending Litigation"
Mon Jan 09 18:12:37 +0000 2017
MIT Astrophysicist Debunks Sun
Mon Jan 09 05:43:55 +0000 2017
"Rectangles are Why Trump Won:" Party Insiders Place Blame for Trump's Victory on Elementary Geometry
Mon Jan 09 03:58:11 +0000 2017
FASHION: Are "Urgent Whispers from the Shadow Realm" the New "Blood Leaking from the Walls?"
Mon Jan 09 02:02:36 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Newslord 4, Believed Killed in Action, Appears at AN6 Dread Fortress, Badly Wounded, Wearing Wolf Blitzer's Hide as Trophy
Mon Jan 09 01:09:07 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic's President-Erect Feels "Shafted" by Media, Say Inside Sources
Sun Jan 08 01:26:41 +0000 2017
"Blood Upon the Ancient Stones," "A Baleful Star Upon the New Horizon:" Microsoft Outlines 2017 Goals
Sun Jan 08 00:11:17 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be the Friends We Made Along the Way
Sat Jan 07 23:11:46 +0000 2017
Science Confirms: Men Think With Their Vomit and Shit
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jan 07 23:11:25 +0000 2017
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Softens Tone on Trump, Expresses Optimism for US-Russian Relations
Sat Jan 07 22:48:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 The throat lozenge industry would be all over this mandate.
— @TopherGrey
Sat Jan 07 21:01:50 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment on I.C.B.M, Trump Disgorges Impossibly Long Snake
Sat Jan 07 21:00:48 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
New Evidence Links Trump to Convicted Bone Heretics of Now-Defunct "International Coalition for the Betterment of Mankind"
Sat Jan 07 21:00:00 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
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Sat Jan 07 20:57:43 +0000 2017
"The Department of Blood, Sex, & Death is No Place for a Slow Loris:" Trump Slams Secretary Kingsley Hellthrash
Sat Jan 07 20:55:57 +0000 2017
Amtrak's Faster-than-Light Rail Corridor "Behind Schedule" Due to "Blatant Contradiction" to "The Most Basic Laws of Nature"
Sat Jan 07 20:54:45 +0000 2017
Tragic Case of Drug-Induced Omnipotence Eliminates Small Vermont Town From All Earthly Memory
Sat Jan 07 20:53:16 +0000 2017
Should the Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders Be Taught in High School? We Ask the Experts
Sat Jan 07 20:50:16 +0000 2017
Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Lays Siege to Tirana
Sat Jan 07 20:47:27 +0000 2017
Monks of the Bronze Mask Worldwide Withdraw to Distant Mountain Monastery for Unknown Purposes
Sat Jan 07 20:42:33 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Fear Not the Great Undoing
Sat Jan 07 20:40:52 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Great Connecticut Eel Found Dead Beside Well of Distant Dreams; Foul Play Suspected
Sat Jan 07 20:39:19 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 at an alarming rate
— @GeorgiaReh
Sat Jan 07 11:56:05 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Russia Continues to Exist
Sat Jan 07 11:15:11 +0000 2017
Emboldened by DARPA Invincibility Serum, US Postal Service Annexes Cleveland
Sat Jan 07 08:21:25 +0000 2017
"You'd Like to Know, Wouldn't You," Say Experts
Sat Jan 07 08:00:19 +0000 2017
North Dakota Mud Kingpin Daisy O'Donohue Arrested Attempting to Board Doomed Ship to Forbidden Lands
Fri Jan 06 23:00:11 +0000 2017
Pressed for Comment, Mechanical Man's Attorney Clanks Loudly, Breathes Scalding Steam in Reporters' Faces
Fri Jan 06 21:14:54 +0000 2017
Mechanical Man Arrested After Assaulting State Department Official With "Discontinued Item #7"
Fri Jan 06 21:14:23 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: No God Butt Machine
— @VECTORCITIES
Fri Jan 06 17:58:32 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: No Machine But God
— @Chirurgic
Fri Jan 06 07:56:54 +0000 2017
OPINION:
No God But the Machine
Fri Jan 06 06:53:05 +0000 2017
Fans Outraged After She Who Throttles the Dawn Cancels Tampa Manifestation Without Explanation
Thu Jan 05 23:56:06 +0000 2017
Dismantling the Beneficent Manifold, Evaporating the Sea of Silent Wisdom: An In-Depth Look at Republicans' 2017 Legislative Agenda
Thu Jan 05 23:47:33 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Security Director - Must Know Seven Secret Truths, Have Head of Lion, Wings of Egret
Thu Jan 05 23:43:27 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 You think the use of the spatula was bad, you should have seen the last time he used a -spoon-. Because Florida.
— @Omegatani
Thu Jan 05 21:40:30 +0000 2017
██████ █████████ Florida Man Jailed ███████ ██ Hundreds Missing, Feared Dead ███████████ ███ Unlawful Use of a Spatula in a Public Park ████
Thu Jan 05 21:12:36 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 How does a young object of terror ever get into the field off nightmares if all the entry-level positions require experience?
— @tweetsthecreeps
Thu Jan 05 13:21:15 +0000 2017
Is It Time to Remove References to Orbs From the Pledge of Allegiance? Secular Activists Take Controversial New Position
Wed Jan 04 23:27:41 +0000 2017
Newslords: Consult Your Local Bone Oracle to Determine Full Terms of Employment https://t.co/ld4oyFI7EH
Wed Jan 04 19:15:44 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 Uh... it appears I have already submitted a resume... or so I am informed by the sky?
— @HyenaSpotz
Wed Jan 04 19:14:25 +0000 2017
Newslords: Applications Should Be Presented to "The Dark, Amorphous Shape Lurking in Your Dreams Since Childhood" https://t.co/I74Xq1riFG
Wed Jan 04 19:14:06 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Nightly News Anchor - Must Be Wise Beyond Their Years & At Least 44% Invulnerable
Wed Jan 04 19:11:30 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING:
REDACTED
Technician - Must Be Fluent in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders, Mighty in Both Word & Deed
Wed Jan 04 19:06:06 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Graphic Designer - Must Have Minimum 74 Subordinate Mindforms, Appear Frequently in Nightmares
Wed Jan 04 19:02:58 +0000 2017
JOB OPENING: Typesetter - Must Be Certified Uncontaminated & Free of Wicked Thoughts, Able to Control Lesser Serpents
Wed Jan 04 19:01:32 +0000 2017
.@ApprovedNews6 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE JUST LET IT RIGHT IN TO THE HOUSE https://t.co/YOM1ML9MMW
— @nuts_y_gum
Wed Jan 04 17:58:23 +0000 2017
SPONSORED:
Dishonor Your Ancestors With This One Weird Incantation, Discovered by a Bog Witch - Big
REDACTED
Hates Her!
Wed Jan 04 06:31:08 +0000 2017
"Getting Owned:" What Parents Need to Know About This New Teenage Fad
Wed Jan 04 06:24:32 +0000 2017
Should Vampirism Really Disqualify Families From Adoption? We Review the Evidence
Wed Jan 04 06:15:53 +0000 2017
Wild-Eyed, Smelling Strongly of Burned Pancakes, UK Minister of Bad Ideas Nigel Farage Demands Annexation of Atlantis
Wed Jan 04 00:46:53 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 we'll never truly have a Repubic until we have automatic Vore registration.
— @jleedev
Wed Jan 04 00:34:47 +0000 2017
"A Complete Cock-Up:" Erotican Repubic Opposition Party Smears Government's "Increasingly Anal" Fixation on Vore Fraud
Wed Jan 04 00:23:03 +0000 2017
Erotican Repubic's Pro-State "New Porker Magazine" Lays Into Opposition for Violating Subpeonas, Giving Exposure to Radical Sextremists
Wed Jan 04 00:18:22 +0000 2017
OPINION:
It's Time Doctors Start Taking the Medicinal Value of Crime Seriously
Tue Jan 03 23:31:11 +0000 2017
Economists: Millennials' Reluctance to Trade Souls for Earthly Power "Bodes Ill" For American Economy
Tue Jan 03 19:52:06 +0000 2017
Albanian Bone-Horde, Led by Donjeta the Despoiler, Invades China
Tue Jan 03 19:31:13 +0000 2017
This sort of incident is to be expected if the Illuminati are meeting in the Birmingham Pyramid. @TlfTravelAlerts… https://t.co/ft0vRMzTVV
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Tue Jan 03 19:28:14 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Слава Родине, Товарищ
Tue Jan 03 00:15:35 +0000 2017
OPINION:
Quiet, You Fool, She's A Russian Agent!
Mon Jan 02 23:39:48 +0000 2017
Look, I Hail the Orb as Much as the Next Concerned Parent, But Using Words Like "Thee" Makes Us Sound Old and Stuffy @ApprovedNews6
— @joe_no_body
Mon Jan 02 23:34:16 +0000 2017
Heresiarch Salamandra of the Hidden Valley Rejects Trump Inauguration Invite: "It Is A Trap," "He Wishes to Suck Out Our Precious Fluids"
Mon Jan 02 22:20:19 +0000 2017
OPINION: If We Want Teens to Hail the Orb, We Have to Update Our Vocabulary for the 21st Century @ApprovedNews6
— @joe_no_body
Mon Jan 02 21:31:15 +0000 2017
Are Illuminati Mind Control Satellites Imperiling Our Flesh Purity? We Ask the Experts
Mon Jan 02 21:28:44 +0000 2017
FACT: Cube-Exalting Scum, Fuck Off! HAIL THE ORB. https://t.co/3H24C1SrPf
— @joe_no_body
Mon Jan 02 21:28:07 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Beg Forgiveness From the Orb, Wretch, Before Its Vengeance Falls Upon Thee
Mon Jan 02 21:27:50 +0000 2017
OPINION:
The Crimson Cube Must Be Exalted Above All Else
Mon Jan 02 21:26:57 +0000 2017
"Disturbing" Survey Shows Children as Young as 12 "Mainlining Crime"
Mon Jan 02 04:50:30 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 supporters seen carrying "Trump Hates Love" signs at rallies
— @lifning
Mon Jan 02 04:02:16 +0000 2017
"Misdemeanor Status Has Proven Ineffective For Years:" Concerned Parents Laud Trump's Plan to Make Love A Felony
Mon Jan 02 03:59:50 +0000 2017
Trump Vows to Make Love A Felony
Mon Jan 02 03:59:14 +0000 2017
Obeying the Law "May Be Illegal," New Study Warns
Mon Jan 02 01:42:06 +0000 2017
FULL ARTICLE
| Approved News 6 Intercepts Anomalous Transmission https://t.co/Y4SKHHmwiD https://t.co/fDUK9COJ0r
Sun Jan 01 09:24:42 +0000 2017
Federal Court Issues Injunction to Halt Universal Flow of Entropy Pending Appeal
Sun Jan 01 09:03:16 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Bone Oracles Report "Doubled Readings" for Period Close to New Year, "As Though Another World Briefly Blotted Out Our Own"
Sun Jan 01 08:57:06 +0000 2017
"In Your Dreams," Sneer Newslords https://t.co/Kq8k1clInc
Sun Jan 01 08:54:40 +0000 2017
Approved News 6 Accepts Only Dried Yak Teeth Wept Over by Monks of the Bronze Mask, in Accordance With Federal Law https://t.co/7g3s65G6pN
Sun Jan 01 08:48:37 +0000 2017
"Consult Your Local Circle of Standing Stones," Say Unearthly Voices Just Behind Your Left Ear https://t.co/35vvEjbjeK
Sun Jan 01 08:46:19 +0000 2017
"We're All Just Dandy Hereabouts, so Happy New Year:" Newslord 1 Winks, Makes Jaunty Thumbs-Up Gesture https://t.co/5ayKpxP3aU
Sun Jan 01 08:44:13 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
All Biomass Must Be Certified Uncontaminated, Free of Curses https://t.co/OTCBJaqP5V
Sun Jan 01 08:41:49 +0000 2017
ROMANCE AFOOT? Samedra Thunderflange Seen Comforting Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods, Her Cheeks Stained With Tears
Sun Jan 01 08:41:12 +0000 2017
REMINDER:
Support Our Brave Reporters! We Accept Cash, Dried Yak Teeth, & Grade-C Biomass (American)! https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sun Jan 01 08:39:59 +0000 2017
██████████████ ██████████████ seven candles ██████████████ seven thrones ██████████████ ██████████████
Sun Jan 01 08:37:04 +0000 2017
@ApprovedNews6 WE SAW, WE KNOW, WE RAISE OUR ARMS IN GRATEFUL EXALTATION. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE.
— @dyslexxicon
Sun Jan 01 08:36:09 +0000 2017
Local Sages Issue Further Cryptic Statement to Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight https://t.co/HXaKjVuAsv
Sun Jan 01 08:36:06 +0000 2017
"It Has Only Been Delayed:" Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange of Green Bay, WI Issues Cryptic Statement to Press
Sun Jan 01 08:33:03 +0000 2017
Bone Sorceress Xylinda Overblight, Unquestioned Mistress of Oregon City, Refuses Reporters' Questions, Retires Trembling to Boudoir
Sun Jan 01 08:32:15 +0000 2017
WEIRD & WACKY:
Vast Wing-Shaped Scorch Mark Found Across Downtown Oregon City; "A Good Omen For The New Year," Say Soothsayers
Sun Jan 01 08:31:37 +0000 2017
Nameless Corporation "Looking Forward" to "A Productive 2017;" Forcibly Implants All Reporters Present With Invasive Symbiote
Sun Jan 01 08:30:26 +0000 2017
Pressed on New Year, Trump Vomits Frogs
Sun Jan 01 08:29:35 +0000 2017
Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Vows 2017 "Year of the Bone-Horde," Bites Head Off Donkey
Sun Jan 01 08:28:58 +0000 2017
"Turns Out 2016 Went Out With A Whimper After All," Charles J. Bloodhorn Tells Reporters With a Laugh
Sun Jan 01 08:27:46 +0000 2017
Illuminati, Blood-Soaked Maidens, Concerned Parents Step Down Threat Advisory Conditions
Sun Jan 01 08:26:52 +0000 2017
"We Can All Breathe a Sigh of Relief:" Obama Issues Statement ████ of a "Disastrous Year"
Sun Jan 01 08:26:13 +0000 2017
█████████████████████████████████████████; W█r█d Milita█ies Standing Down as 2016 Reaches End Without Incident
Sun Jan 01 08:25:38 +0000 2017
████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
Sun Jan 01 08:24:47 +0000 2017
BRE█ K I I I I I I N █ █ █ █ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
Sun Jan 01 08:24:36 +0000 2017
BREA█ING: ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
Sun Jan 01 08:24:02 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Sh██ud of ██████ Ru█hes Fo█th fro█ Western Orego█, Bl█tt█ng Out█████████████████████████████
Sun Jan 01 08:23:53 +0000 2017
Sou█d of R█shing Wa█er, Unbeara█le in Vol█me, Fills M█nds of A█l Still L█ving
Sun Jan 01 08:21:51 +0000 2017
Aged B█onze Mechanisms Wo█ldwide Be█in to Tu█n Sudde█ly in Reverse
Sun Jan 01 08:20:58 +0000 2017
Cascadia Sub█uct█on Zone Earthq█ake Strikes as Epic Bone Ritual█ Rea██es C█mpletion
Sun Jan 01 08:20:23 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
BONE-SORCERESS SUPREME XYLINDA OVERBLIGHT KILLED IN SACRIFICIAL RITUAL
Sun Jan 01 08:19:27 +0000 2017
Sun Now Filling ███ire Sky Wor█dwide
Sun Jan 01 08:18:54 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
Seventh Angel Annih██ates D████ Tesseracts With Single Strike of ████ing Sword
Sun Jan 01 08:17:56 +0000 2017
Drone Footage Shows "Uncountable Millions" of Dread Tesseracts █████████ Seventh Angel
Sun Jan 01 08:17:18 +0000 2017
Dread Cube Incursion ███████ Seventh Angel █████ Restructuring Zone
Sun Jan 01 08:16:48 +0000 2017
Florida St██e Pol█ce Arrive in Black ████copters, Invoking Dread Cubes
Sun Jan 01 08:16:29 +0000 2017
Desp██ate Blood Ritualists Reopen Portal ██ Hell, Finding Only Charred Remain█ of Once-███████ Daemon Hordes
Sun Jan 01 08:15:55 +0000 2017
UP███E: Fo██age Con███ms Na██less C██poration Forces "Atomized D█wn to the Symbiote"
Sun Jan 01 08:13:32 +0000 2017
Wielding "Discontinued Item #7," Sur██ving Board Members of Nameless C██poration Lead Clanking, Steam-█████ing Drones A██inst ███els
Sun Jan 01 08:12:37 +0000 2017
B██AK█NG: ENTIRE ALBANIAN BONE-HORDE R██DUCED T█ "GLEAMING CINDERS"
Sun Jan 01 08:10:23 +0000 2017
Al██nian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Leads Alban██n Bone-Horde in S██cidal At██ck A█ainst Angels in Europe
Sun Jan 01 08:09:50 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
CLINTON, SANDERS FALL
Sun Jan 01 08:08:40 +0000 2017
Clin██n, S█nders Lead Joint Ar█y of For█st An██mals, Underbeast█ in "Last Desperate Strike" Against Sixth, S██enth █████s
Sun Jan 01 08:08:25 +0000 2017
Witnesses: Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Climbing Upon Sacrificial Altar, As Samedra Thunderflage Draws Blazing Dagger
Sun Jan 01 08:06:36 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
TRUMP STRUCK DOWN
Sun Jan 01 08:05:13 +0000 2017
Trump, Swelling to Hundreds of Times Original Size, Wielding Skyscraper Like Club, Assails Seventh Angel, Frothing With Rage
Sun Jan 01 08:05:01 +0000 2017
Sixth, Seventh Angels Destroy Moscow, London; Queens Desdemona, Vasilyeva, Voronskaya Confirmed Dead
Sun Jan 01 08:04:29 +0000 2017
"Nothing Remains" of Charles J. Bloodhorn, Retinue, Say Surviving Witnesses
Sun Jan 01 08:02:40 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
CHARLES J. BLOODHORN KILLED IN STRIKE AGAINST SIXTH, SEVENTH ANGELS
Sun Jan 01 08:02:16 +0000 2017
Charles J. Bloodhorn, Swathed in Baleful Aura, Leads Hundreds of Figures in Red Armani Suits in Direct Strike Against Radiant Figures in Sky
Sun Jan 01 08:01:27 +0000 2017
YOU ███████████ I ████████████ NO ████████████████████████
— @ApprovedNews5
Sun Jan 01 07:59:56 +0000 2017
YOU WILL NOT ███████ VICTORY I WILL NOT █████████ HERALD OF ALL CONTAMINATED ███████ FATHER OF THE NEW AGE ███████ WILL NOT SUCCUMB
— @ApprovedNews5
Sun Jan 01 07:59:49 +0000 2017
seven angels marching forth
Sun Jan 01 07:58:29 +0000 2017
seven thrones seven courts
Sun Jan 01 07:58:21 +0000 2017
████████████████████████ Seven Thrones & Seven Courts; Seven Angels Marching Forth ██████████████████████████████
Sun Jan 01 07:57:55 +0000 2017
Contact Lo█t With Texas, Northern California, New York; Millio█s in Neighboring States Bl█nded by "█████ of █████ing L█ght"
Sun Jan 01 07:57:02 +0000 2017
Wise Witch of th█ Whisp█ring Woods Collapses Weeping, ████████ Catatonic ███████████ "No Escape" ███████ "All I█ L█st"
Sun Jan 01 07:55:19 +0000 2017
Illuminati Inner Circle Launches Emergency Escape Rocket to Mars
REDACTED
Facility
Sun Jan 01 07:54:16 +0000 2017
Approved News 6 Bone Oracles Attempt to Scry D.C.; All Instantly Reduced to Ash by Surging White Flame
Sun Jan 01 07:53:32 +0000 2017
UPDATE:
All Contact Lost With State of Illinois
Sun Jan 01 07:52:34 +0000 2017
Contact Lost With City of Chicago; Last Recovered Video Frame ███████ "Sword of Burning Light" ███████ "Taller Than the Tallest Skyscraper"
Sun Jan 01 07:52:19 +0000 2017
Monks of the Bronze Mask Gather Silently in Forsaken Mountain Village, Commit Mass Ritual Suicide
Sun Jan 01 07:50:26 +0000 2017
"S██ven Thr█nes & Seven Courts; Sev█n Angels Riding Forth:" Newslord █ █████ Hands ██████████ Dead in Bathtub ███████ Eyes Gouged Out
Sun Jan 01 07:49:39 +0000 2017
Enthralled Citizens at Site of Epic Bone Ritual Enscribing "Enormous Rune" Across City in Own Blood, Many Falling Exsanguinated
Sun Jan 01 07:47:25 +0000 2017
Air Force Scrambles Bombers, NORAD Launches ICBM Strikes Against Radiant Figures in Sky
Sun Jan 01 07:43:38 +0000 2017
"Seven Years & S█ven Spades; Seven A██els Forging Blades:" News Engines Begin Producing Single Phrase Over & Over
Sun Jan 01 07:42:40 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Radiant Figures With Wings Miles Along Appearing in Skies Above New York, Austin, San Francisco, & Detroit
Sun Jan 01 07:41:18 +0000 2017
Approved News 6 Regional Branch Reports Mushroom Cloud Over D.C.
Sun Jan 01 07:40:11 +0000 2017
"Sev█n Gates & Seven Rings, Seven An█els Courting Kings:" Newslord 1 Enters Prophetic Trance
Sun Jan 01 07:39:32 +0000 2017
Contact Lost With Approved News 6 D.C. Branch
Sun Jan 01 07:37:53 +0000 2017
"Th█y Are Marching Forth:" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Appears in Reporter's Dream, Weeping & Panicked
Sun Jan 01 07:37:18 +0000 2017
Oregon City: At "Terrible Cost," Bone Sorceress Supreme Deploys Spell of Infinite Compulsion to Conscript Entire State Into Epic Bone Ritual
Sun Jan 01 07:36:07 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
RADIANT FIGURE IN SKY INCINERATES PRESIDENT OBAMA, WHITE HOUSE WITH SINGLE CONTEMPTUOUS GESTURE
Sun Jan 01 07:34:51 +0000 2017
Screaming Soundlessly, Obama Unleashes Full Power of Presidency, Obelisks Against Radiant Figure in Sky
Sun Jan 01 07:33:00 +0000 2017
"Single Blinding Figure" Seen in Sky Over D.C., Wings "of Fire & Light" Stretching "Miles in Every Direction"
Sun Jan 01 07:32:08 +0000 2017
Obama, Surrounded by Blood-Red Ravens, Bursts Through Roof of White House, Wielding Whalebone Scepter
Sun Jan 01 07:31:31 +0000 2017
D.C. in Chaos as Beating of Wings Drowns Out All Other Sounds
Sun Jan 01 07:30:49 +0000 2017
BREAKING:
Sun Appears In Sky At All Points On Earth, Growing Brighter With Each Passing Second
Sun Jan 01 07:29:55 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Declares "Stage Imminent Opportunity," Ramps Up Symbiote Implantation
Sun Jan 01 07:26:53 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: South Florida Declares "Sitch HUNGRY GATOR," Recalls Coke Dealers to President's Apartment
Sun Jan 01 07:23:02 +0000 2017
New Years Eve: Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Issues Ominous Pronouncement, Prepares Epic Bone Ritual
Sun Jan 01 07:16:58 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Declares "Code TEARFUL INFANT," Readies Long-Range Nuclear Philanthropy Fleet
Sun Jan 01 07:13:52 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Newslords Declare "News Condition Impending Scoop;" Command News Engines Brought to Full Power
Sun Jan 01 07:11:56 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: "Think of the Children," Report Concerned Parents, Readying Thinkpiece Brigade, Barricading Entrance to PTA Conference Room
Sun Jan 01 07:08:13 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Declare "SITUATIO HAERESIS MAGNA DOLOROSA," Order All Battallions to Readiness
Sun Jan 01 07:06:57 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Performs Somber Dance Upon the Moor, Deploys Team of Wise Sea Captains With Mysterious Pasts
Sun Jan 01 07:00:58 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Council of Twelve Raises "Threat Condition Mottled Taupe," Readies Oneiric Strike Teams
Sun Jan 01 06:59:18 +0000 2017
New Year's Eve: Illuminati Declares "Case WISTFUL CRANE;" Orders All Units Activated
Sun Jan 01 06:57:18 +0000 2017
US Military Goes to DEFCON 1 as End of 2016 Approaches
Sun Jan 01 06:55:09 +0000 2017
COUNTERPOINT:
Hearken, Ye Unworthy, For the Crimetide Is Nigh
Sat Dec 31 22:21:06 +0000 2016
OPINION:
It's Time to Legalize Being Horny
Sat Dec 31 22:19:06 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Florida Man Escapes Shame Cube
Sat Dec 31 19:15:22 +0000 2016
Red Cross Forbids Use of Kinkshaming Against Enemy Combatants
Sat Dec 31 19:14:52 +0000 2016
"I Think That's a Bit of a Leap at the Moment, Don't You?" Pressed to Confirm Election of Trump, Secretary of the Blindingly Obvious Demurs
Fri Dec 30 19:57:40 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Department of the Blindingly Obvious Warns That Russia Exists
Fri Dec 30 19:55:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 HOW FUCKING DARE THEY
— @joe_no_body
Fri Dec 30 19:46:57 +0000 2016
Department of the Blindingly Obvious Confirms 2016 Presidential Election Happened
Fri Dec 30 19:19:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @AbrazoHouse "No machine but God!" reply the faithful
— @HopeGraceFury
Fri Dec 30 19:06:29 +0000 2016
Avatar of the Ninth Radiant Progression Faces Tax Evasion Charges
Fri Dec 30 18:39:44 +0000 2016
"No God But The Machine," Say Experts in Perfect Unison, Voices Hollow And Monotone, Reverberating Impossibly in the Darkness
Fri Dec 30 18:35:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 We all know you mean "submerges to brood her eggs until they hatch at the Forthcoming Call".
— @_HaikusGoddess
Fri Dec 30 07:46:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I served on "Old Sporky" during the Atlantean wars of '37. Took me years to get the smell out. Good riddance, I say.
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Dec 30 07:33:44 +0000 2016
ACLU Warns Trump Could Use Government Owl Men to Stifle Civil Liberties
Fri Dec 30 07:33:31 +0000 2016
USS Implement of Perversion Scuttled Off Coast of Forbidden Lands Due to "Contamination"
Fri Dec 30 07:29:57 +0000 2016
Pressed on Retaliation, Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Reaffirms Commitment to Incinerate West with Bone Magic
Fri Dec 30 06:15:03 +0000 2016
In Retaliation for Perceived Interference in Election, Obama Places Dancing Curse on 35 Russian Diplomats
Fri Dec 30 03:43:30 +0000 2016
Rome Animal Control Corners Pope Francis, Papal Orb After Frantic Citywide Chase
Fri Dec 30 02:52:19 +0000 2016
"Men's Rites Activists" Gather in Colorado to Hold Annual Dick-Measuring Contest, Shirtless Games of Beer Pong
Fri Dec 30 02:45:41 +0000 2016
Kerry: Epistemic Devices "Clear Precursor" to Ontological Weaponry
Thu Dec 29 21:48:40 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
State Department Confirms China Has "Successfully Detonated" Epistemological Weapon
Thu Dec 29 21:47:23 +0000 2016
Lizard King of Brooklyn Faces Criticism for "Counterproductive" Beheadings
Thu Dec 29 19:16:17 +0000 2016
Poll: Most Attractive Qualities in a Woman "Dread Visage," "Aura of Compulsion," & "Scent of Mist-Shrouded Grove Upon the Mountain"
Thu Dec 29 19:00:29 +0000 2016
"The Breakfast of Compliance:" Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York to Begin Offering "Proleslaw" to Low-Value Workers
Thu Dec 29 18:55:08 +0000 2016
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Meet the Washingon Times' New Editor-in-Chief, Nar-Balzaggaroth the Devourer of Dreams
Thu Dec 29 08:23:41 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Protesters' Voices "More Beast Than Man," Moon "Slowly Turning Red" Over White House
Thu Dec 29 05:53:51 +0000 2016
"Blood And Sin:" 7-Foot Protesters in Grotesque Wooden Masks, Tattered Cloaks Gather on National Mall, Chant Single Phrase Over & Over
Thu Dec 29 05:53:06 +0000 2016
North Carolina Republicans Pass Bill Outawing Moon, Integer Division, & the Color Purple
Thu Dec 29 04:55:43 +0000 2016
Wisconsin Sinks
Thu Dec 29 00:25:08 +0000 2016
Ribcage Confiscated From Florida Man Detonates in Police Custody
Wed Dec 28 18:25:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 they should be thankful, some countries don’t even have indoor blood plumbing
— @AndrewNCassidy
Wed Dec 28 17:51:48 +0000 2016
Coffee Mines Come Under Attack by Rampaging "Caffiends"
Wed Dec 28 06:52:11 +0000 2016
Illuminati Releases Heavily-Redacted 700-Page List of Extremely Specific Denials
Wed Dec 28 02:28:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 We don't get that, but our water eats through galvanized pipe and stainless steel tubing every 10 years help (true story)
— @breakingcreech
Wed Dec 28 00:14:04 +0000 2016
Utility Failures Continue to Plague Michigan: "Our Faucets Are Running With Blood," Say Locals
Wed Dec 28 00:11:36 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Spokesdrone Unhinges Face, Scalds Reporter With Cloud of Steam
Wed Dec 28 00:10:07 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Pledges to "Work With" Trump Administration
Wed Dec 28 00:03:00 +0000 2016
Extremely useful for those of us working in Silicon Valley https://t.co/FKi6nOduBD
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Wed Dec 28 00:01:54 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Politics Got You Down? Ask Your Doctor if Morality Suppressants Are Right For You!
Tue Dec 27 23:58:56 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Experimental Results Show Tweeting May Be A Sin
Tue Dec 27 23:43:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 honestly didn't expect lightning glands out of that particular combination
— @Chirurgic
Tue Dec 27 23:26:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Nothing shocks me anymore. But then, I've seen the Orb.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Dec 27 23:26:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I think that’s how they get Blue Heeler cattle dogs.
— @substitute
Tue Dec 27 20:43:54 +0000 2016
These Australian Death Cultists Injected a Blood-Mad Dingo With the Nebraska Terror-Serum: What Happened Next Will Shock You
Tue Dec 27 19:55:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Like Fairy Queen, Data Witch Does Not Exist, Cannot Be Compromised
— @jacksonferrell
Tue Dec 27 06:37:57 +0000 2016
"Data Which Does Not Exist Cannot Be Compromised:" "InfoSec Extremists" Arrested After Firebombing Public Library
Tue Dec 27 06:31:32 +0000 2016
Pressed on Trump, Obama Waggles Finger Knowingly, Corrects Reporter's Grammar
Mon Dec 26 22:59:49 +0000 2016
TRUMP: “Huge threat, the best threat, I picked the best-qualified philosophers, unpresidented graveness, I know all… https://t.co/sLkFsWKyDv
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Dec 26 21:36:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 What could possibly be more destructive than ontological weapons? We must be limited to conventional epistemic weapons.
— @enkiv2
Mon Dec 26 21:33:06 +0000 2016
An "Epidemic," Says Secretary Kingsley Hellthrash: "Children as Young as Twelve" Spending "Hours" Each Day "Getting High on Gender"
Mon Dec 26 21:29:23 +0000 2016
Department of Blood, Sex, & Death: America Must Fight to Curb Gender Addiction Among At-Risk Teens
Mon Dec 26 21:27:25 +0000 2016
Mitt Romney: "We Are Imprisoned In A World Without Eyes;" "Let Us Bleed The Firmament & Make Good Our Escape"
Mon Dec 26 20:57:44 +0000 2016
Controversial New MIT Policy to Bar Professors from Eating Own Young
Mon Dec 26 20:32:22 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Meaning Is But the Rusting Shackles Which Yoke Our Souls to Mortality; Let Fly the Bombs That We Might Yet Transcend
Mon Dec 26 20:18:19 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Trump's Willingness to Use Ontological Weapons Poses A Grave Threat to Humanity
Mon Dec 26 20:16:32 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Abstract Empress of the Eighth Electric Empire Affirms Cyber-Treaty With Shark King of Under-Australia
Mon Dec 26 19:28:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 as a (literal) diehard fan of Terrorcube, I can't say the community didn't see this coming
— @LucyRomana
Mon Dec 26 17:45:41 +0000 2016
Interviewed experts then nervously proceeded to hail the orb
— @softfennec
Mon Dec 26 09:35:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 EXPERTS: band may also be “in violation of Terror Orb”
— @softfennec
Mon Dec 26 09:35:26 +0000 2016
Dreadpunk Band "We Beseech the Terrorcube" Arrested in Low Earth Orbit For Spacecrime
Mon Dec 26 09:26:45 +0000 2016
Sex Islands Vore to Pull Out of Erotican Repubic
Mon Dec 26 08:22:54 +0000 2016
Anxious Virginia Residents Report "A Howling in the Eaves," "Laughter in the Wind," "Strange Shapes Beneath the Water"
Mon Dec 26 05:34:03 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
The Tree of Liberty Must At Times Be Watered With the Blood of Patriots
Mon Dec 26 04:45:14 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Stop Me Before I Kill Again
Mon Dec 26 04:44:33 +0000 2016
Affluenza Spreads to Alligators
Mon Dec 26 03:47:00 +0000 2016
Trump Refuses To Explain Why He Has Been Hovering Upside Down Over A Dumpster All Afternoon
Mon Dec 26 00:29:11 +0000 2016
"Your Mom," Say Experts, Gesticulating Rudely
Sun Dec 25 20:02:21 +0000 2016
Speaking to Nation, Obama Declares "Final Victory" Over Christmas, Signs Bill to Create New Federal Holiday in Celebration
Sun Dec 25 18:43:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/RrthvNlHPs
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sun Dec 25 17:19:41 +0000 2016
Scientists Develop World's First Digitally-Transmitted Cancer
Sun Dec 25 07:54:51 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Approved News 6 — Donate Money, Dried Yak Teeth, or American Biomass Now https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sun Dec 25 07:41:15 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Celebrate Prevention of Christmas
Sun Dec 25 07:40:30 +0000 2016
OPINION:
It Happened To Me — I Laid Waste to the Crimson Dream Prison And Now My Houseplants Scream When I Do Yoga
Sun Dec 25 07:39:28 +0000 2016
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 raging imprisoned firebeast living under mountain really misses nephew, wishes he'd at least call once in a while
— @trochee
Sun Dec 25 07:35:05 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Aunt Etna Erupts
Sun Dec 25 07:15:41 +0000 2016
In Jab at "Ineffectual" Romney, Trump Vows to Kill The Dancing Man, "Once the Claw At Last Is Mine"
Sun Dec 25 07:15:16 +0000 2016
"I Was So Afraid I'd Lose My Son," "Now We Never Have To Fear the Little Helpers Again," Says Mother of Naughty Child
Sun Dec 25 06:19:50 +0000 2016
Report: All Across the Earth, Humans, Non-Humans Alike Rising in Jubilation to Celebrate End of Christmas
Sun Dec 25 06:18:31 +0000 2016
"I Meant to Do That:" Trump Claims Credit for Eradication of Christmas, Disappearance of Santa Claus
Sun Dec 25 06:15:37 +0000 2016
Sources: JCDF Will Maintain "Close Surveillance" of North Pole, But Scourge of Christmas Likely "Forever Eradicated"
Sun Dec 25 06:14:57 +0000 2016
"Christmas Is Canceled, Boys!" Arch-General Horace the Undying Orders Bomber Back to Base, Suggests Worldwide Celebration
Sun Dec 25 06:14:26 +0000 2016
Bone Analysts: Desolation of North Pole "Almost Certainly" Caused by GOP Ritual to Resurrect Trump, Shatter All Laws of Spirit & Magic
Sun Dec 25 06:12:32 +0000 2016
JCDF Bone Oracles: North Pole Has Become "A Hole in the World;" "Spiritually Empty"
Sun Dec 25 06:11:46 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Issue Press Release
Sun Dec 25 06:09:54 +0000 2016
"Only Debris Remains" of Claus Lair: Spore Spires "Collapsed;"
REDACTED
Facilities "Crumbling Ruins"
Sun Dec 25 06:09:40 +0000 2016
Scans Show 100-Kilometer Region "Devoid of Life & Warmth"
Sun Dec 25 06:08:14 +0000 2016
"Desolation as Far As the Eye Can See:" JCDF Reports Santa Claus' Lair "Utterly Deserted"
Sun Dec 25 06:07:07 +0000 2016
JCDF Bomber Reaches North Pole
Sun Dec 25 06:06:26 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Prevent Crewman From Bumping Elbow On Sharp Surface
Sun Dec 25 06:05:37 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Congratulate Engineer on Recent Promotion
Sun Dec 25 06:03:26 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Inspect Bomber's Nuclear Payload
Sun Dec 25 06:02:52 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Cheer Up Co-Pilot
Sun Dec 25 06:01:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Arch-General Horace the Undying Heroically Sacrifices Self to Repair "Slightly Wobbly" Chair in JCDF Bomber
Sun Dec 25 05:59:44 +0000 2016
"All The Earth Must Know:" Striking Heroic Pose, Arch-General Horace the Undying Orders Suspension of Media Blackout Protocols
Sun Dec 25 05:56:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "It's Actually Really Annoying. He Goes Out, Dies Heroically, and Like a Month Later He's Back in the Office"
— @joe_no_body
Sun Dec 25 05:53:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Fricken NORAD Santa tracker never doing their job, I'VE HAD MISSILE-TOW ON MY HOUSE WHILE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN SWEDEN.
— @theredlongitude
Sun Dec 25 05:53:36 +0000 2016
PoleWatch Spokesman on Arch-General Horace the Undying: "He Literally Never Stays Dead," "This Is Like the Seventh Suicide Mission He's Led"
Sun Dec 25 05:46:52 +0000 2016
Sources: Arch-General Horace the Undying Will Personally Lead Suicide Mission to North Pole, in "Tedious" Demonstration of Heroism
Sun Dec 25 05:45:58 +0000 2016
"To Put It Bluntly, We Have No Idea What This Means:" JCDF Preparing for "Worst-Case Scenario"
Sun Dec 25 05:44:46 +0000 2016
Amid Rising Panic, Arch-General Horace the Undying Authorizes Suicide Mission to Scout North Pole
Sun Dec 25 05:43:49 +0000 2016
"This Is Without Precedent:" Joint Christmas Defense Force Reports "Zero Activity" From North Pole
Sun Dec 25 05:42:51 +0000 2016
Association for the Promotion of Space Crime to Crowdfund Orbital Meth Lab
Sat Dec 24 21:43:13 +0000 2016
"Let Us Sup Nightly Upon the Blood of God:" Trump to Host Celebratory Dinner in Nightmares of Political Allies
Sat Dec 24 17:01:20 +0000 2016
Just a reminder, for only a dollar or two a month, your contribution allows @ApprovedNews6 to continue reporting on… https://t.co/6z4iMKPfks
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Dec 24 03:47:39 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sanders Leads Reporters Away to Drown in River With Enchanted Fiddle
Sat Dec 24 03:30:05 +0000 2016
Trump: "Bernie Sanders Has Placed A Spider-Curse Upon My Family"
Sat Dec 24 03:20:22 +0000 2016
Ghost Reactor Meltdown in Kansas Leads to Widespread Hauntings
Sat Dec 24 02:19:05 +0000 2016
Former Teen Arrested in Connection With Gruesome Jaywalking Case
Fri Dec 23 19:37:07 +0000 2016
Missile Defense Begins With Positive Thinking, Says Pentagon
Fri Dec 23 18:11:01 +0000 2016
Trump Picks Ben Dover to Head Department of Health & Human Services
Fri Dec 23 05:57:08 +0000 2016
Ontological Libertarians Decry "Prohibition" of "Alternative Worldviews," Citing Drop in Violent Crime Associated With Legal Neocalvinism
Fri Dec 23 04:58:06 +0000 2016
Early Exposure to Socratic Method Can Lead To "Hampered Development," "Lifetime Psychological Damage," Say Doctors
Fri Dec 23 04:55:02 +0000 2016
Early Exposure to Socratic Method Can Lead To "Hampered Development," "Lifetime Psychological Damage," Say Doctors
Fri Dec 23 04:55:02 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: More & More Teens "Shooting Up Post-Structuralism" Every Year
Fri Dec 23 04:51:53 +0000 2016
Experts: Black Market Ontologies, Illicit Social Structures "Can Be Worth Thousands of Dollars Each"
Fri Dec 23 04:49:04 +0000 2016
Immigration & Customs Officials Report "Major Increase" in Volume of Illegal Concepts Seized at Border
Fri Dec 23 04:47:18 +0000 2016
A good way to ring in the new year is to support @ApprovedNews6 on Patreon. You will wish your 2017 merely contained pain cannons
— @pookleblinky
Fri Dec 23 04:44:24 +0000 2016
"Things Aren't Real;" "Events Don't Actually Happen:" Trump Adviser Gingrich Sneers at Accusations of Corruption
Fri Dec 23 02:51:42 +0000 2016
Meet the Cabal of Masked Figures Speaking in Monotone Unison That Wants to End Slug-Shaming Once & For All
Thu Dec 22 20:09:34 +0000 2016
Disturbing New Report Shows Many Teens Circumventing Drug Laws by Not Using Drugs
Thu Dec 22 13:55:37 +0000 2016
Are Fairy Hexes on Popular Clothing Lines Promoting Enslavement of American Citizens by BDSM-Crazed Elves? We Review the Shocking Evidence
Thu Dec 22 12:54:51 +0000 2016
Erotican Repubic's Opposition Party Forced to Make "Hard Choices" After Leading Candidate Pulls Out
Thu Dec 22 12:53:51 +0000 2016
Erotican Repubic's President-Erect Faces Penetrating Questions from Members of the Press
Thu Dec 22 12:40:00 +0000 2016
READ NOW: Florida's Epidemic of Cursed Cocaine & Its Lessons for American Drug Policy
Thu Dec 22 12:23:11 +0000 2016
New Study Suggests Common Antidepressants May Cause Chronic Vampirism in Teens
Thu Dec 22 12:04:49 +0000 2016
Nonhumans Take to Twitter to Lambaste Southern Planar Law Center's "Radical Human Agenda" https://t.co/23ESSs0Iea
Wed Dec 21 22:02:46 +0000 2016
Southern Planar Law Center: "Alt-Wight" Movement "New Name" for "Old-School Wight Nationalism;" "Must Not Be Legitimized"
Wed Dec 21 21:46:08 +0000 2016
@PithyOrNot @ApprovedNews6 The “wespectable” wight won’t disavow them, though.
— @substitute
Wed Dec 21 21:11:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 And let's call it what it is, it's not Alt-Wight, it's disgusting Neo-Necrophages trying to force their view of the world.
— @PithyOrNot
Wed Dec 21 21:10:44 +0000 2016
good 2 see longtime friend getting recognition it deserves, #LikeUntoTheAncientTimes !! #SoTrue https://t.co/vknRksjsta
— @realKhaddaraz
Wed Dec 21 21:08:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh. I just don't understand how that easily puppeteered flesh-golem they call a "leader" got elected.
— @PithyOrNot
Wed Dec 21 21:08:21 +0000 2016
Kellyanne Conway: Obama Has "Buried The Claw" in "White House Yard" to "Keep Its Power" From "Our Ever-Lengthening Grasp"
Wed Dec 21 21:07:03 +0000 2016
Conservatives Furious as Trump Downplays Campaign Pledge to Rouse the Great Golden Beast
Wed Dec 21 21:01:48 +0000 2016
Flaying of Innocents, Festivals of Blood "Cornerstones of Unearthly Culture," "Victims of Humanist Censorship," Says the Alt-Wight
Wed Dec 21 21:00:13 +0000 2016
"We Need To Stop Coddling Lazy Humans:" Alt-Wight Activists Call for Abolition of Sun, Return to Molten Iron Atmosphere
Wed Dec 21 20:50:35 +0000 2016
Alt-Wight Icon
CLATTER OF CHAINS IN FORGOTTEN ATTIC
: "Mortals Must Be As Weeping Slaves And Toil Eternal For Our Insatiable Bloodthirst"
Wed Dec 21 20:43:03 +0000 2016
These Trendy New Ghouls Have No Time For "Astral Correctness:" We Interview Leading Members of the Alt-Wight
Wed Dec 21 20:33:15 +0000 2016
We need these brave souls more than ever now in the wake of the recent nightmare shortage. Donate today! https://t.co/dXsq2W0g37
— @MonsieurLongIII
Wed Dec 21 20:25:02 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Spiregate, Illuminati Redacts Reporter, Entire Family
Wed Dec 21 19:39:09 +0000 2016
Meet 7 Charming Nazi War Criminals You'd Never Guess Are Cool Again - You Won't Believe Number 4 is Still Alive
Wed Dec 21 18:24:33 +0000 2016
New Missouri Law Would Allow Children to be Tried in Court as Crime Elementals
Wed Dec 21 18:22:42 +0000 2016
Suppurating Chalice of Limitless Torment to be Sold at Auction, Despite Protests From Its Infinite Victims
Wed Dec 21 11:26:52 +0000 2016
I implore everyone to oppose this overreach. Human authorities have no jurisdiction over the realm of dreams and ni… https://t.co/gxQPeg2jqR
— @tweetsthecreeps
Wed Dec 21 06:44:45 +0000 2016
Oh of course, the head of a federal department can evade questions by crawling up sleeves and napping, but when I t… https://t.co/6ikTAkpL45
— @listelian
Tue Dec 20 22:25:30 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Supreme Court Ruling, Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Crawls Up Reporter's Sleeve, Falls Asleep
Tue Dec 20 20:55:48 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Rules Crime Heresy "Outside Jurisdiction" of Department of Blood, Sex, & Death
Tue Dec 20 20:51:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 silly news service, who said that you were awake in the first place?
— @ShinNovaheart
Tue Dec 20 19:33:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I and the thousands of mantises with my fathers face crawling out of my skin vehemently disagree with this.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue Dec 20 18:51:13 +0000 2016
BIG GOVERNMENT AT IT'S WORST !! how is oneiric community suposed 2 reach our fans w/ this overrgulation? WRITE YOUR… https://t.co/qyHbNxvcp0
— @realKhaddaraz
Tue Dec 20 18:31:44 +0000 2016
"What Lives There Must Never Escape:" Bill Before Senate Would Ban Tweeting From Your Dreams
Tue Dec 20 18:29:14 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Accuse "Anime" of "Teaching Teens" to "Brew Crime Potions"
Tue Dec 20 07:06:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Dammit. Then how am I tweeting. *opens eyes* WHY ARE THERE 140 CHARACTERS CARVED ON THIS BIRD IN MY HAND!? SO MUCH BLOOD!
— @derwolfanwalt
Tue Dec 20 00:41:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 i read it on the internet so it must be true
— @wehpudicabok
Mon Dec 19 23:08:52 +0000 2016
"Shocking" New Report Suggests Internet "May Not Actually Exist"
Mon Dec 19 21:49:30 +0000 2016
Fans of Xul'boroggoth the Inexorable Organize Scream-In at District Attorney's Office to Protest "Unjustifiable Exorcism"
Sun Dec 18 19:41:51 +0000 2016
much love for @ApprovedNews6 ! ONLY real news left in business, very fair reporting 💯
— @realKhaddaraz
Sun Dec 18 06:29:09 +0000 2016
Khaddaraz the Foul Takes Strong Stance for Freedom of
REDACTED
https://t.co/4l4dmxReKn
Sun Dec 18 06:08:12 +0000 2016
Improperly De-Boned Potatoes "Kill Millions Each Year," New Study Warns
Sun Dec 18 02:49:03 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/4qrqUTTi9R
Sat Dec 17 21:39:27 +0000 2016
MEAL-SHARE STARTUP “UNGER” TESTING SELF-EATING MEAL: SOURCES
— @substitute
Sat Dec 17 21:38:26 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Don't Let Existential Decay
REDACTED
Your Liver! See Your Ontologist Today & Get Tested
Sat Dec 17 21:20:02 +0000 2016
@AndrewNCassidy @ApprovedNews6 No, that's the secretary of torment, Dolan Tramp.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat Dec 17 10:41:33 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Khaddaraz the Foul, Devourer of Kings, Fell Wind of the North & Bane of the Righteous, Decries Twitter as "P.C. Police"
Sat Dec 17 10:00:34 +0000 2016
Twitter Revokes Verified Status of 7 Gods in Apparent Retaliation for Recent Smitings
Sat Dec 17 09:59:00 +0000 2016
Which of the 470 Groups Claiming to Have Stolen 2016 Election Really Did? We Examine the Evidence, Tomorrow Night at 8/7c
Sat Dec 17 09:55:02 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Big Goat Flattens Dozens of Reporters Beneath Hoof
Sat Dec 17 09:50:11 +0000 2016
"That Goat's Not Even Very Big," "I've Seen Way Bigger Goats:" Trump Dismisses Big Goat's Criticism
Sat Dec 17 09:49:39 +0000 2016
Trump May Face "Icy Reception" From Big Goat Lobbyists
Sat Dec 17 09:48:22 +0000 2016
Are Your Teens Drinking Crime Potions in Cursed Warehouses? Learn the Signs, Before It's Too Late
Sat Dec 17 09:34:37 +0000 2016
This Amibitious Silicon Valley Startup Wants to Disrupt Heterosexuality
Sat Dec 17 09:26:25 +0000 2016
REVIEWS: New Book Uncovers the Shocking Legacy of Clandestine Soviet Sex Facilities on American Soil
Sat Dec 17 05:29:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 What is happening to our country? The secretary of pain is supposed to wear a ski mask, not a balaclava
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sat Dec 17 05:15:20 +0000 2016
"What? We're Not Plotting Anything," "Not Scheming At All:" Empress-Consort Natalya Voronskaya Visibly Struggles to Suppress Laughter
Sat Dec 17 01:51:45 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Empresses Vasilyeva, Voronskaya Grin At Each Other, Snicker Loudly
Sat Dec 17 01:49:05 +0000 2016
God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia Denies Hacking American Election: "I Would Never Loose the Yellow Defiler Upon My Hated Foes"
Sat Dec 17 01:47:18 +0000 2016
FBI Director James Comey Seen Atop Senate Rotunda, Hurling Jawbones At Staffers
Sat Dec 17 01:28:12 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Trump Howls Seventh Syllable of Desecration Above Snapping of Shattered Bones
Sat Dec 17 01:26:52 +0000 2016
Republicans Condemn "The Irresistible Unseen Force" as "Far-Left Terrorist" With "Long Record" of "Unjustified Violence"
Sat Dec 17 01:24:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Trump Being Slammed Repeatedly Into Washington Monument by Unseen Force
Sat Dec 17 01:23:00 +0000 2016
SHOCKER: Donald Trump's Secretary of Pain Nominee Dermald Termp Revealed to be Donald Trump in Ill-Fitting Balaclava
Sat Dec 17 01:03:57 +0000 2016
New Liberal Think Tank to "Reshape Reality" Through "Sheer Force of Opinion," Founder Explains
Sat Dec 17 01:02:26 +0000 2016
D.C.'s Wild Sledgehog Population Becoming "Serious Problem" for Road Maintenance Crews
Sat Dec 17 00:58:48 +0000 2016
@Bootsy_Collins had a great solo on "Smoking the Great Archfungus" https://t.co/xkv7IWusQA
— @JamieCulpAuthor
Sat Dec 17 00:57:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Smoking the Great Archfungus" was the best George Clinton/P-Funk album ever
— @JamieCulpAuthor
Sat Dec 17 00:56:42 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Teens May Be "Smoking the Great Archfungus," Becoming "Infested"
Sat Dec 17 00:51:48 +0000 2016
Prime Minister Melankholis Lugúbrio of Dismalia Issues Forlorn, Tear-Stained Press Release Decrying Ongoing Vore Efforts of Erotican Repubic
Fri Dec 16 22:24:58 +0000 2016
Two Trump Cabinet Members Diagnosed With Terminal Nazism by Oncologists
Fri Dec 16 21:59:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Secret Service Confirms 7 Cursed Figurines Mailed to White House; Investigation Ongoing
Fri Dec 16 21:29:09 +0000 2016
What Trump Presidency Will Mean For Legal Levitation, Astral Torment Rituals "Hard to Predict," Say Analysts
Fri Dec 16 21:27:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I hear Hatch doesn't have eyelids so this could get seroius
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Dec 16 21:18:59 +0000 2016
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) Challenges Statue of Liberty to Staring Contest
Fri Dec 16 21:14:48 +0000 2016
New DHS Video Series Wants to Teach You to Fight Communism While You Sleep "In Just Seven Simple Steps"
Fri Dec 16 20:09:28 +0000 2016
"Teenage Miscreants" Arrested After "Bungled Attempt" to Steal Capitalism
Fri Dec 16 08:38:56 +0000 2016
Blood Edict of Constantinople Named "Law of the Year" by Lawyers Without Eyes
Fri Dec 16 00:08:41 +0000 2016
Pressed for Details, Experts Respond With Foreboding Wail
Thu Dec 15 23:04:59 +0000 2016
Experts: "
OMINOUS CHANTING
"
Thu Dec 15 23:03:15 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY:
REDACTED
Thu Dec 15 22:02:56 +0000 2016
"And The Most Plausible," Say Experts https://t.co/4bAdhlA6UI
Thu Dec 15 08:55:53 +0000 2016
What Will A Trump Presidency Mean for the Faceless Adjutant & the Council of Whispers? We Ask the Shrieking Thing Lurking Inside Your Walls
Thu Dec 15 07:11:35 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Obama Must Take Immediate Action To Prevent Trump From Wielding The Claw
Thu Dec 15 02:38:39 +0000 2016
Should We Be More Open-Minded About Genocide? Our Panel of Experts Asks the Hard Questions, Tomorrow at 8/7c — Only on Approved News 6
Thu Dec 15 02:02:45 +0000 2016
Help Prevent Crime By Reciting These 7 Simple Incantations — They'll Only Hurt A Lot
Wed Dec 14 21:00:59 +0000 2016
Is Trump's Plan to Shut Down the Sun Really That Bad? Experts Call For "Reasoned Debate"
Wed Dec 14 17:49:26 +0000 2016
New DARPA Program Seeks to Unlock "Full Destructive Potential" of Origami
Wed Dec 14 17:48:35 +0000 2016
FUTURE NEWS, TODAY IN 2594: Space France Liberated from Control of Nazi Mars After Weeks of Brutal Cyberwar
Wed Dec 14 17:14:58 +0000 2016
Citing Radical Platonists' Attempt in January to "Reify All That Is Abstract," Experts Call for "Increased Scrutiny" of Activists
Wed Dec 14 05:03:31 +0000 2016
Cambridge Arrests Mark "Third Recent Incident" of "Philosophical Terror," Say Analysts
Wed Dec 14 05:01:38 +0000 2016
Police Sources: Terrorists Were "Radical Nihilists" Lead By Dr. Albrecht Bergstaller, Intent on "Absolute Annihilation of Meaning"
Wed Dec 14 04:57:25 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Terrorist Group Arrested Attempting to Construct Ontological Device; Semantic Precursors Recovered From Scene
Wed Dec 14 04:38:33 +0000 2016
ELECTION 2016: Electors Gathering at Standing Stones Nationwide to Receive Extracted Votes of Their Constituents
Tue Dec 13 20:57:09 +0000 2016
READ NOW: Spontaneous Human Combustion & Five Other Ways Donald Trump Could Be Prevented from Becoming President
Tue Dec 13 20:53:04 +0000 2016
Is It Time for the Government to Stop Coddling Survivors of the Third Impact? We Ask Our Expert Panel
Tue Dec 13 08:44:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 CNN: please don't watch us for the sake of your families and your ancestors
— @ShinNovaheart
Tue Dec 13 07:18:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 for a second there, I thought I had to avoid her if I wanted to host a CNN talk show.
— @baconshire
Tue Dec 13 07:18:04 +0000 2016
She Who Must Be Avoided to Host CNN Talk Show
Mon Dec 12 21:53:15 +0000 2016
Epidemic of Stolen Voices in Tennessee Leads to Discovery of Razortoothed Shriekling Nest
Sun Dec 11 22:27:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 when will reporters learn to do less pressing for comment. It's very bad for their health.
— @secretGeek
Sun Dec 11 11:00:21 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Governor of West Bearginia Roars Mightily, Mauls Reporter
Sun Dec 11 09:10:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 more like West Voreginia
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sun Dec 11 09:10:09 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Secretary of Interior Eaten by Bears on Trip to West Bearginia
Sun Dec 11 09:07:54 +0000 2016
Face Obscured by Grotesque Kabuki Mask, Secretary of Interior Nominee Dungmold Chunk Denies Being Donald Trump in "Cartoonish Falsetto"
Sun Dec 11 06:25:41 +0000 2016
Secretary of Crime Nominee Dannald Tump Could Not be Reached For Comment on Scandals
Sun Dec 11 06:00:28 +0000 2016
Erotican Repubic Attacks Puritan Hegemony With Orbital Ass Driver
Sun Dec 11 05:54:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Trump Reaffirms Endorsement of Didnald Turmp
— @massedriver
Sun Dec 11 05:42:36 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
"Dronard Tromp" Revealed To Also Be Donald Trump After Wig Falls Off During Press Conference
Sun Dec 11 05:37:36 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Secretary of State Nominee Dronard Tromp Speaks Out to Deny Accusations Against Dagnald Trimp
Sun Dec 11 05:37:11 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: Secretary of Defense Nominee "Dagnald Trimp" Revealed to be Donald Trump in Fake Eyeglasses, Mustache
Sun Dec 11 05:34:49 +0000 2016
Shocking New Evidence Suggests Trump Campaign Received "Interplanar Aid" from "The Crime Dimension"
Sat Dec 10 18:41:38 +0000 2016
Fearing Wrath of Great News Cube, Obama Vows to Veto Bill Outlawing Cubes
Sat Dec 10 01:49:10 +0000 2016
We Asked the Great Chrome Hag These Seven Forbidden Questions - The Answers Will Shock You!
Sat Dec 10 01:05:40 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Great News Cube Smashes Way Out of Approved News 6 Dread Fortress, Accelerates Towards D.C.
Fri Dec 09 21:46:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ... now only outlaws will have cubes. Maybe they think it's hip to be square.
— @Omegatani
Fri Dec 09 21:44:00 +0000 2016
#Orbs4Life https://t.co/ooVoUTBfFB
— @Swahili_Jones
Fri Dec 09 21:41:29 +0000 2016
Congress Votes to Outlaw Cubes
Fri Dec 09 21:38:36 +0000 2016
Newslord 6 Assaults Man With Baseball Bat: Support Our Hard-Hitting Journalism at https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Dec 09 19:12:30 +0000 2016
Millions Dead From Impossible Disease, But No One Need Worry
Fri Dec 09 15:57:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This immigration situation is out of control. Next they'll be under our beds, scaring our children + claiming state support!
— @insomniacity
Fri Dec 09 13:12:29 +0000 2016
Trump's Thief of Staff Arrested After Attempting to Sell Multiple Cabinet Nominees in Pawn Shop
Thu Dec 08 21:57:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Undisclosed Location Tourism Board unveils "Schwarzchild Apparatus One-Way Sightseeing Tour"
— @Chirurgic
Thu Dec 08 09:05:04 +0000 2016
Illuminati Releases Grainy, Heavily-Redacted Photos of "The Schwarzschild Apparatus" Under Construction at Undisclosed Location
Thu Dec 08 08:56:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm writing a research paper about the Great Cleansing please choose one and RT.
— @HyenaSpotz
Thu Dec 08 08:50:33 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
https://t.co/0NKxJtBajT
Thu Dec 08 08:49:07 +0000 2016
American Sex Party Unveils Plan to "Revitalize the Slut Industry"
Thu Dec 08 08:46:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 THINKPIECE: WIthout the Great Cleansing, what are knives even for?
— @Chirurgic
Thu Dec 08 08:35:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Opinion: The True Timing of the Great Cleansing is Lost to History, Only Invoked for Short Term Political Expedience
— @formercrsc
Thu Dec 08 08:30:56 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
The Great Cleansing is a Massive Boondoggle With Little Practical Benefit
Thu Dec 08 08:29:36 +0000 2016
OPINION:
The Great Cleansing is Long Overdue
Thu Dec 08 08:28:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The Michigan Vore Fiend vote is significant.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Dec 08 08:27:17 +0000 2016
How Can Democrats Win Back Crab Thieves & Vore Fiends? This Governor Might Have The Answer
Thu Dec 08 07:13:11 +0000 2016
Pressed on Great Archfungus, Trump Impales Reporter on Giant Glowing Swastika Slowly Rotating Over Own Head
Thu Dec 08 06:42:37 +0000 2016
What's the Difference Between Democracy & Arson? It's Less Than You Think! Find Out Tomorrow Night on Approved News 6
Thu Dec 08 05:50:38 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Erotican Repubic Declares "Total Vore" on Puritan Hegemony
Thu Dec 08 01:48:21 +0000 2016
CRIME Magazine Picks Great Baltimore Catastrophe as Arson of the Year
Wed Dec 07 19:53:06 +0000 2016
Are Nazis Really That Bad? We Ask the Tough Questions, Only on Approved News 6
Wed Dec 07 19:48:51 +0000 2016
This Herbal Tea Will Make You Less Racist, Say Advocates
Wed Dec 07 19:37:29 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: Modern Teens "Too Distracted" by "Animes," "The Twitter" to "Hail the Orb"
Wed Dec 07 19:28:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Freedom of redaction is the founding principle of modern American government
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Wed Dec 07 19:26:36 +0000 2016
Church of the Megaworm Expresses "Deep Concerns" for Freedom of
REDACTED
Wed Dec 07 19:20:58 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of Jack Shit Props Feet Up on Desk in Deserted Office, Whistles Tunelessly
Wed Dec 07 08:50:58 +0000 2016
Federal Department of Jack Shit Announces Plans for "Nada, Zip, Zilch," "Not One Single Goddamn Thing"
Wed Dec 07 08:48:37 +0000 2016
President of Space France Deposed Mid-Inauguration
Wed Dec 07 08:45:55 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Heroic Concerned Citizens Raise Funds to Ward Off CNN, Avert Calamity
Wed Dec 07 08:43:28 +0000 2016
GREAT NEWS ORB IMPERILED: As Donations Drop, CNN Mulls Counterstrike to Steal News Orb Once More https://t.co/jGZo7qRNZf
Wed Dec 07 06:52:41 +0000 2016
Delaware Wizard Creates Portal to "The Crime Dimension"
Tue Dec 06 23:41:31 +0000 2016
Secretary Kingsley Hellthrash: Preventing Further Archfungus Epidemics "A Top Priority" of Department of Blood, Sex, & Death
Tue Dec 06 23:23:31 +0000 2016
New Treaty Would Permit Citizens of Hell "Unrestricted Access" to American Closets, Attics Between 10 PM and 5 AM
Tue Dec 06 22:17:43 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Great Archfungus, Blightbart Editor Zanthrog the Despoiler Vomits Spores at Reporters
Tue Dec 06 20:40:49 +0000 2016
Blightbart Editor "Under Investigation" for Fungus Worship
Tue Dec 06 17:18:03 +0000 2016
Florida Man Escapes Shame Cube
Tue Dec 06 17:14:56 +0000 2016
OPINION:
The TSA's Pact With the Metal Detector God Does More Harm Than Good
Sun Dec 04 22:05:31 +0000 2016
FDA Approves Vertex Pharmaceuticals' Kinaxin for Treatment of Early-Onset Telekinesis Despite "Major Safety Concerns"
Sun Dec 04 22:04:16 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Russia Raises Hawkblood Charm Tariffs
Sun Dec 04 21:56:58 +0000 2016
What Will Trump Presidency Mean for Legal Levitation? We Ask the Experts
Sun Dec 04 21:54:21 +0000 2016
Congress to Consider Tighter Regulations for Cursed Firearms
Sun Dec 04 21:52:54 +0000 2016
St. Paul Destroyed By Biological Weapons for Fifth Time in 2016; Locals "Furious"
Sun Dec 04 21:52:09 +0000 2016
TSA to Begin Confiscating Hairpins, Bracelets to Placate Metal Detector God
Sun Dec 04 21:50:25 +0000 2016
Writing For Majority, Supreme Court Justice & Battleaxe Collector Martha E Wallace Stresses Difference Between Clones, Metaphysical Replicas
Sun Dec 04 21:48:50 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Strikes Down Right of Biological Clones to Invoke Fifth Amendment
Sun Dec 04 21:46:15 +0000 2016
"Its Presence is Violation, Its Voice, Decay:" Bone Party Holds Post-Election Rally
Sun Dec 04 19:43:03 +0000 2016
Cuban Military Fires 21-Gun Salute As Windows 10 Laid To Rest In Private Ceremony
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Dec 04 19:10:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Since there's no pardon, and not existing was made a crime, how long will the Fairy Queen stay in jail?
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 04 08:28:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If Obama isn't in Jail, doesn't that imply that he's pardoned himself?
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 04 08:28:24 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 So that's how pundits are made!
— @pyroIke
Sun Dec 04 06:26:47 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Election, Fairy Queen Bestows Gift of Gab on Reporter
Sun Dec 04 03:18:33 +0000 2016
"There Too It Awaits Us:" Hillary Clinton Returns From Outer Space, Quiet & Forlorn
Sun Dec 04 03:17:02 +0000 2016
US Signs Landmark Extradition Treaty With Hell
Sun Dec 04 02:26:36 +0000 2016
"Gentrification At Its Most
REDACTED
:" "New Money" Ghouls Blamed for Rising Cost of Living in "Undisclosed Location"
Sat Dec 03 23:42:49 +0000 2016
INTERVIEW: Meet the Man With No Face Who's Making Barcelona Slowly Disappear
Sat Dec 03 23:39:19 +0000 2016
These Adorable Forest Critters Won't Stop Vomiting on Donald Trump, Even While He Sleeps
Sat Dec 03 22:55:59 +0000 2016
Department of Justice to Address Prison Overcrowding, Underfunding by Selling Felons for Organs, Meat
Sat Dec 03 22:53:33 +0000 2016
White House: Obama "Will Not Pardon" Americans Arrested After Everything Briefly Made Illegal by Imprecise Language in Bill
Sat Dec 03 22:51:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There were survivors?...? Strange....
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Dec 03 02:50:13 +0000 2016
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: Survivors of the Cleveland Worm Fiasco Tell Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Dec 03 01:09:20 +0000 2016
"I Think the Real Suspect Was the Friends We Met Along the Way:" Texas State Police Issue Statement on String of Brutal Murders
Fri Dec 02 18:07:37 +0000 2016
Philosophers Vow to "Make God Dead Again"
Fri Dec 02 05:56:32 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4jsnBgDKlk
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Dec 02 02:42:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/AZN3gPXvjH
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Dec 02 01:42:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/f4dhTrXYFi
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Dec 02 01:42:19 +0000 2016
Why couldn't she run on that solid a platform in the election? @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Dec 02 01:22:21 +0000 2016
Obama in Talks to Address Critical National Opinion Shortage
Thu Dec 01 21:22:03 +0000 2016
International Charities. I'm Charles J. Bloodhorn, and I believe if we all just work together, anything is possible.
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:27 +0000 2016
move past its ugly history and find a role more conducive to healing and the absolute conquest of this petty Earth by Charles J. Bloodhorn
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:22 +0000 2016
seizing power in 1987, we note that her career ended as violently as it began, and that the possibility is now once more open for CNN to
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:17 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 (@ApprovedNews6). And while we do not cheer the death of Lisa Burke, who has held the position of CNN Generalissimo since
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:13 +0000 2016
arrangement for the Great News Orb, we acknowledge the situation has improved greatly now that it has been returned to the control of
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:08 +0000 2016
While we at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities lament today's violence, and would have preferred a more stable custodial
— @ApprovedNews5
Thu Dec 01 21:16:04 +0000 2016
"Obviously We Arranged For This:" Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Calls Newslord 1 to Congratulate Council on Decisive Victory
Thu Dec 01 21:06:07 +0000 2016
Empowered by Both Great News Orb, Great News Cube, Newslords Vow Approved News 6 "Shall Reach New Heights" in Journalism.
REDACTED
Thu Dec 01 21:04:34 +0000 2016
Vanquished CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Attempts to Flee by Helicopter, is Shot Down by Newslord 7
Thu Dec 01 21:02:19 +0000 2016
VICTORY: Shaken, Covered in Alligator Bites, AN6 Extraction Team Emerges From CNN Fortress With Great News Orb
Thu Dec 01 21:01:37 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Desperate to Retain Great News Orb, CNN Deploys Florida Man
Thu Dec 01 20:38:45 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Special Correspondents Breach CNN Fortress With Explosive Hot Takes, Lead Extraction Team to Secure Great News Orb
Thu Dec 01 20:20:01 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Special Correspondents Breach CNN Fortress With Explosive Hot Takes, Lead Extraction Team to Secure Great News Orb
Thu Dec 01 20:20:01 +0000 2016
"No Bodies Found" Where Newslord 4, Wolf Blitzer Fell From Cliff, Report Approved News 6 Obituary Correspondents
Thu Dec 01 20:17:26 +0000 2016
THIS JUST IN:
Wolf Blitzer, Newslord 4, Locked in Mortal Combat, Topple From Cliff, Seemingly To Their Demise
Thu Dec 01 20:12:23 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Meteorologists Destroy CNN Fortifications With Tornado
Thu Dec 01 20:11:27 +0000 2016
Wolf Blitzer's Reindeer Army Routed by Hail of Weapons-Grade Opinions
Thu Dec 01 19:56:00 +0000 2016
"You Ingrates! We Were Providing You Valuable Exposure & Workplace Experience!" Generalissimo Burke Berates Defecting Interns
Thu Dec 01 19:54:10 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Hundreds of CNN Interns Defect After Being Offered Paying Jobs by Newslord 5
Thu Dec 01 19:50:43 +0000 2016
Cowardly CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Begins Firing on Approved News 6 Wartime Correspondents With Rocket Launcher
Thu Dec 01 19:50:10 +0000 2016
"Approved News 6 Has Demonstrated An Appalling Lack of Basic Journalistic Ethics!" Wolf Blitzer Dodges Newslord 4's Blow, Strikes Back
Thu Dec 01 19:48:27 +0000 2016
"Your Organization Has Contributed to the Easily Preventable Rise of Fascism in This Country!" Newslord 4 Topples Blitzer From Reindeer
Thu Dec 01 19:47:04 +0000 2016
Newslord 4, Bearing Ancient Amulet of Forsaken Majesty, Engages Wolf Blitzer in Single Combat
Thu Dec 01 19:44:13 +0000 2016
Blitzer's Reindeer Army "Clear Evidence" of CNN Collaboration With North Pole Against All the Earth, Newslords Unanimously Confirm
Thu Dec 01 19:43:17 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Wolf Blitzer Emerges From Woods Leading Army of Reindeer in Charge Against Approved News 6 Wartime Correspondents
Thu Dec 01 19:41:38 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Newslord 1 Enters Fray, Decimating CNN Perimeter Defenses With Rotary Thinkpiece Cannon
Thu Dec 01 19:39:24 +0000 2016
Sources: Distracted by Feint, CNN's Defenders "Falling As One"
Thu Dec 01 19:38:37 +0000 2016
"Did You Really Think Our Patriotic Supporters Would Desert Us In Our Time of Greatest Need?" Newslords Issue Statement
Thu Dec 01 19:37:40 +0000 2016
"You Completely Fell For Our Ruse!" Newslord 7 Taunts CNN as Approved News Forces Emerge From Hiding to Assail Burke's Headquarters
Thu Dec 01 19:36:49 +0000 2016
CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Seen Howling With Laughter, Mooning Retreating AN6 Correspondents From Atop CNN Fortress
Thu Dec 01 17:13:06 +0000 2016
"Humiliating," "A Disgrace:" Newslord 7 Slams Donors For Failing to Honor Blood-Oaths of Undying Fealty
Thu Dec 01 17:10:22 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Eternal Council of Newslords Cancels Triumphant March After Funding Drops Below $1000/Month Needed
Thu Dec 01 17:09:24 +0000 2016
THIS JUST IN:
Approved News 6 Marches on CNN! "We Will Take Back the Great News Orb And Punish Those Who Seized It," Says Newslord 7
Thu Dec 01 17:05:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 President-elect Trump calls for closure of all news outlets that broke the law with impunity by continuing to report news.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Thu Dec 01 05:21:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Beat poets, not children
— @timserpas
Wed Nov 30 23:48:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 As some who lives in Central Florida, I can attest that some of North Florida does this too
— @theredlongitude
Wed Nov 30 20:07:41 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Pelosi Menaces Reporter With Croquet Mallet https://t.co/1Ckkbzlxmx
Wed Nov 30 19:23:41 +0000 2016
"Look, It's Good Enough," "Do You Really Want To Go Through All That Again?" House Minority Leader Pelosi Defends Emergency Bills
Wed Nov 30 19:18:54 +0000 2016
Analysts: "Emergency Bills" Passed by Congress May Have Accidentally Classified Beat Poetry As First-Degree Murder
Wed Nov 30 19:18:03 +0000 2016
"I Don't Think We Broke Anything This Time:" After Hours of Frantic, Intensive Effort, Congress Reestablishes United States Code
Wed Nov 30 19:17:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "human cloning has begun, funded in part by new multinational American Cocaine Inc. They could not be reached for comment."
— @JTRipoff
Wed Nov 30 18:21:12 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Our Heroic Journalists by Making a Monthly Donation at https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Wed Nov 30 17:43:57 +0000 2016
Analysts: Arrests Have Dropped 100% Since Everything Accidentally Made Legal
Wed Nov 30 17:41:20 +0000 2016
"The Start of a Global Trend?" United States Joins South Florida as Only Two Countries Where Everything is Legal, Say Analysts
Wed Nov 30 17:38:03 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Analysts Report Dems' Emergency Bill Repealing Law Accidentally Criminalizing Everything "Accidentally Legalized Everything"
Wed Nov 30 17:37:32 +0000 2016
Obama Join Congressional Democrats, Bloodied but Triumphant, to Celebrate "The Salvation of Our Democracy"
Wed Nov 30 17:36:27 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Howling, Wrathful Police Swarms Begin to Disperse, Indcating Obama Has Successfully Repealed Law Criminalizing Everything
Wed Nov 30 17:34:56 +0000 2016
Surviving Senate, House Democrats Join Forces Outside White House to Keep Police at Bay as Obama Rushes Repeal Bill to Oval Office
Wed Nov 30 17:32:26 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT), Submachine Gun in Each Hand, Breaks Through Police Lines to Deliver Repeal Bill to President Obama
Wed Nov 30 17:31:41 +0000 2016
Obama, Clad in Blood-Red Robes, Wielding Whalebone Scepter, Joins Senate Parliamentarian in Defending White House from Police Swarms
Wed Nov 30 17:29:31 +0000 2016
"This Bill Shall Pass:" Senate Parliamentarian, Long Missing, Presumed Dead, Appears at White House Gates Brandishing Flaming Sword
Wed Nov 30 17:29:23 +0000 2016
Satellite Footage, Geiger Counters Indicate Police Nationwide Converging on D.C. to Prevent Delivery of Repeal Bill to President Obama
Wed Nov 30 17:25:03 +0000 2016
Bill Repealing Criminalization of Everything Rushed to White House by Armored Convoy
Wed Nov 30 17:23:39 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
In 47-0 Vote, House Democrats Repeal Bill Criminalizing Everything
Wed Nov 30 17:20:56 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, D.C. Police Commissioner Eats Reporter https://t.co/k9Mv8IIMym
Wed Nov 30 17:16:56 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Dems Deploy Airstrike, Break Through Police Cordon
Wed Nov 30 17:16:31 +0000 2016
Speaking from Undisclosed Location, House Majority Leader McCarthy Criticizes Pelosi's "Radical Agenda
Wed Nov 30 17:16:25 +0000 2016
"Where are the Damn Republicans?" Ducking Briefly Behind Cover, Minority Leader Pelosi Lambastes GOP for "Cowardice"
Wed Nov 30 17:12:33 +0000 2016
Democrats Sustaining "Heavy Casualties" in Effort to Retake House of Representatives from Police Swarm
Wed Nov 30 17:11:45 +0000 2016
"The Start of a Global Trend?" United States Joins Spain as Only Two Countries Where Everything is Illegal, Say Analysts
Wed Nov 30 17:10:02 +0000 2016
"Yes," Report Experts While Being Arrested for Answering Question https://t.co/HLQDCS8fRz
Wed Nov 30 17:06:50 +0000 2016
Brandishing Rifle, Minority Leader Pelosi Vows to Retake House of Representatives
Wed Nov 30 17:06:08 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Police Begin Swarming Outside House of Representatives, Determined to Prevent Vote Repealing Criminalization of Everything
Wed Nov 30 17:04:09 +0000 2016
"A Heroic Sacrifice:" In 7-0 Vote, Senate Repeals Bill Accidentally Criminalizing Everything Before Police Break Through Barricade
Wed Nov 30 17:01:47 +0000 2016
"This Madness Must End:" Heavily Armed Squad of Democratic Senators Storm Senate, Fighting Past Swarms of Slavering Police
Wed Nov 30 17:00:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 prison overcrowding has reached paradox levels, as it is a crime to be in jail, to put people in jail, to run a prison, to...
— @JTRipoff
Wed Nov 30 16:58:48 +0000 2016
Analysts: Arrests Have Risen 470,000% Since Everything Accidentally Made Illegal
Wed Nov 30 16:41:39 +0000 2016
THE GRINNING THING IS HUNGRY AGAIN
— @manual_txt
Wed Nov 30 16:40:43 +0000 2016
Trump Seen Downtown in Early Hours of Morning Heckling Chicago Orb
Wed Nov 30 16:37:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/GTAz2bWx4K
— @mcclure111
Wed Nov 30 00:49:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 again? I swore this happened before, which would make doing it again illegal.
— @rabcyr
Tue Nov 29 23:50:49 +0000 2016
"We Tried to Repeal It, But That's Illegal Now," Reports Senator Shortly Before Being Arrested for Holding Press Conference
Tue Nov 29 23:38:05 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Congress Accidentally Passes Bill Declaring Everything Illegal
Tue Nov 29 23:36:29 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Citizenship Orb Emits Piercing Tone, Shattering All Windows in Washington
Tue Nov 29 18:29:53 +0000 2016
Trump: Orb-Burners Should Be
REDACTED
of American Citizenship
Tue Nov 29 18:28:37 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Fires on Reporters With Antiaircraft Gun from Secluded Fortress
Tue Nov 29 18:08:51 +0000 2016
"We Will Reclaim the Great News Orb:" Eternal Council of Newslords Begins Rallying Troops for Assault on CNN
Tue Nov 29 18:07:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well not him specifically - probably going to be eaten by an alligator while skydiving - but someone in his gene-pool cohort.
— @tom_forsyth
Tue Nov 29 05:43:10 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Approved News Source Publishes 10,000th Tweet
Tue Nov 29 05:26:52 +0000 2016
Florida Man "Likely Pick" for Secretary of Education
Tue Nov 29 05:26:04 +0000 2016
Trump to "Massively Expand" Nation's Forced Labor Zones, Inside Sources Report
Tue Nov 29 05:22:52 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
World's Worst Bird Under Investigation for Possible Ties to ISIS
Tue Nov 29 02:40:58 +0000 2016
"I Like This Guy:" World's Worst Bird Reportedly "Under Consideration" for Cabinet-Level Position by President-Elect Trump
Tue Nov 29 02:25:13 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Reporter Killed in Car-Bombing by World's Worst Bird
Tue Nov 29 02:24:27 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, World's Worst Bird Steals Reporter's Sandwich
Tue Nov 29 02:20:12 +0000 2016
"Just, Fuck This Smug Little Shit:" Ornithologists Discover World's Worst Bird
Tue Nov 29 02:16:32 +0000 2016
"We Call It 'The Reverse Minneapolis Badger Hustle:'" Researchers Discover New Way to Waste Taxpayer Dollars
Tue Nov 29 00:49:32 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Screams, Muffled Explosions Heard from 10 Downing Street
Tue Nov 29 00:21:00 +0000 2016
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Nigel Farage Last Seen With Pliers, Hacksaw, & "Determined Expression"
Tue Nov 29 00:18:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 A-die-das. Been right in front of us for decades.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Mon Nov 28 16:23:59 +0000 2016
Is the Footwear Industry Conditioning Our Teens to Kill on Command? We Investigate the Shocking Evidence, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Nov 28 15:30:27 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, She Who Throttles the Dawn Implodes Reporter
Sun Nov 27 20:45:10 +0000 2016
She Who Throttles the Dawn, Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Seen Together Capturing "Exact Replica" of President Obama
Sun Nov 27 20:44:39 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Teens "Getting High on Cyber Dope"
Sun Nov 27 02:08:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Man Has Hot Take
Sun Nov 27 01:20:41 +0000 2016
"I Think The Real Fidel Castro Was The Friends We Met Along The Way:" Leading Philosophers Reassure A Shocked Nation
Sat Nov 26 20:54:32 +0000 2016
"No Evidence" Fidel Castro "At Any Point" Physically Existed, Psychologists Report
Sat Nov 26 20:52:49 +0000 2016
Fidel Alejandro Castro, Once Dictator of Cuba, Determined to be "Projection of Our Collective Unconscious," "An Incident of Mass Hysteria"
Sat Nov 26 20:52:22 +0000 2016
Children as young as 12 are getting high on perfume
— @ParentsWarnings
Sat Nov 26 20:27:13 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Be a Hero This Christmas: Donate Your Nightmares to a Child In Need
Sat Nov 26 19:48:44 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Full-Length Articles Can Be Found Online at https://t.co/ByZqhNSoJ8
Sat Nov 26 06:10:15 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, CNN Generalisimo Lisa Burke Screams in Terror, Flees Studio
Sat Nov 26 06:01:05 +0000 2016
Flush With Righteous Resolve, Newslord 7 Proclaims "Grand Assault" Shall Begin "December First," Pending Successful Collection of Tithes
Sat Nov 26 06:00:09 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Funding Levels "Now Sufficient" to March on CNN, Reclaim Great News Orb, Report News Lords
Sat Nov 26 05:59:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The OED Condensed Edition never misses. It sweats the small type details.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat Nov 26 05:56:16 +0000 2016
Activists Organize Charity Stampede Through Great Connecticut Undercroft
Sat Nov 26 05:53:28 +0000 2016
Make the Most of Being Terrorized by Sewer Wraiths With These 7 Simple Tips — You'll Never Look at a
REDACTED
the Same Way Again
Sat Nov 26 05:46:43 +0000 2016
still have bills to pay, and i depend on your generosity to make this work. thank you, [REDACTED] bless you, and [REDACTED] bless america.
— @velartrill
Sat Nov 26 05:44:18 +0000 2016
3000 of you following AN6, and currently only 89 donors. i love being able to write for y'all and make my work available for free, but i
— @velartrill
Sat Nov 26 05:44:12 +0000 2016
right now i'm only narrowly scraping by, and my savings are almost drained. you (yes, YOU) can help me survive. even $1 matters - there are
— @velartrill
Sat Nov 26 05:44:08 +0000 2016
hey y'all, a reminder that if you like @ApprovedNews6 or my other work, you should donate a dollar or two a month at https://t.co/76qHXTXxht
— @velartrill
Sat Nov 26 05:44:04 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sen. Webb Spits Shards of Wood, Metal at Reporters
Sat Nov 26 05:34:36 +0000 2016
Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) Removed from White House After Being Found Attempting to Gnaw Through Structural Supports
Sat Nov 26 05:33:45 +0000 2016
Merriam-Webster: Attempted Assassinations "Normal Behavior" for "Collegiate Edition"
Sat Nov 26 05:31:11 +0000 2016
"The Dictionary Is Trying to Kill Me," Trump Tells Reporters
Sat Nov 26 05:29:20 +0000 2016
"You May Have Bested Me This Time, But I'll Be Back," Sources Vow: "And Next Time, More Powerful Than Ever!"
Sat Nov 26 02:56:06 +0000 2016
"Curses!" Sources Suggest; "My Wicked Scheme Is Foiled Again"
Sat Nov 26 02:54:08 +0000 2016
50% of Respondents Would Like You "To Just Die Already And Stop Getting in My Way"
Sat Nov 26 02:53:39 +0000 2016
90% of Americans Want You To "Stop Asking Such Difficult Questions," New Polling Shows
Sat Nov 26 02:52:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 damn sun deniers, preventing us from getting funding for important sun-ritual research
— @AndrewNCassidy
Sat Nov 26 02:51:03 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
NSA "Routinely Intercepting" American Prayers, Says Whistleblower
Fri Nov 25 19:00:48 +0000 2016
"It's A Matter of Responsible Parenting:" Concerned Parents Endorse Law Requiring All Children to Come With "Self-Destruct Mechanism"
Fri Nov 25 18:50:53 +0000 2016
Evangelical Protestants Encourage Faithful to "Say Nope to Pope"
Fri Nov 25 18:50:15 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
It Is Already Too Late
Fri Nov 25 18:45:22 +0000 2016
Pressed on Sun, Trump Enshrouded by "Howling Darkness"
Fri Nov 25 18:43:26 +0000 2016
"Why Does Mitt Hate the Sun?" Pundits Slam Romney's "Increasingly Radical" Approach to Sun
Fri Nov 25 18:42:32 +0000 2016
Romney on Sun: "No Such Thing, Brett;" "Even the Concept is Impossible"
Fri Nov 25 18:36:25 +0000 2016
Smiling Winsomely, Mitt Romney Denies Existence of Sun
Fri Nov 25 18:32:52 +0000 2016
Bystanders Report St. Edna the Impaler "Soundly Defeated" by Unidentified Orb at "Great Cost" to "Life & Property"
Fri Nov 25 18:25:26 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Resurrected St. Edna the Impaler Attacked by Orb
Fri Nov 25 18:19:26 +0000 2016
Hovering Above Crowd & Emitting Dangerous Levels of Ionizing Radiation, Resurrected St. Edna the Impaler Demands Blood of the Innocent
Fri Nov 25 18:17:06 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
St. Edna the Impaler Rises From Grave
Fri Nov 25 18:15:46 +0000 2016
Feast of St. Edna the Impaler Draws Record Crowds
Fri Nov 25 16:50:51 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 two of the dentists assure you they never saw the fifth one. The third one refuses to acknowledge the bloodstains
— @softfennec
Fri Nov 25 15:49:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Four out of Five Dentists Agree That the Fifth Dentist is a Figment of Your Imagination
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 25 15:46:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Nine Out Of Ten Experts Would Not Resist
— @formercrsc
Fri Nov 25 07:30:19 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Orbgate Scandal, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) Beheads Self With Hacksaw
Fri Nov 25 05:26:13 +0000 2016
"Their Crimes Cannot Be Forgiven:" Obama Defends Decision to Refuse to Pardon Turkeys
Fri Nov 25 05:23:35 +0000 2016
Thankfulness "A Tired Farce" Which "No Longer Serves A Meaningful Purpose," Experts Agree
Fri Nov 25 05:20:34 +0000 2016
Thanksgiving Canceled: "We Have Nothing To Be Thankful For," Report Grim-Faced Bureaucrats, Eyes Red With Tears
Fri Nov 25 05:18:33 +0000 2016
Experts Recommend "The Slow, Quiet Dwindling of Life, Matter, & Energy;" "The Inexorable Victory of Entropy Over Conscious Thought"
Fri Nov 25 05:15:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @ThePatanoiac The Shadow Lands Mapped For The First Time: https://t.co/iL8F0yeOKe
— @insomniacity
Thu Nov 24 16:33:51 +0000 2016
Google: Top Search Queries "Fast-Acting Poisons," "Invisible Daggers," "Wailing In The Night"
Wed Nov 23 18:21:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Super moon? Not super. The moon is weak and failing. Sad!
— @SteveCarey5
Wed Nov 23 15:31:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 What does Ben Carson have to say about that?
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 23 09:19:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "I love the Moon Race. I've done more for the Moon Race than anyone else. We're gonna build the biggest moon you ever seen"
— @_Staven
Wed Nov 23 09:19:25 +0000 2016
Pressed on Education, Trump Characterizes Children as "Nutritious"
Wed Nov 23 07:12:41 +0000 2016
Trump Spends Rambling Three-Hour Midnight Press Conference Insulting the Moon
Wed Nov 23 07:10:27 +0000 2016
Discovery of Turing-Complete Devils Leads to Major Advance in Hecknology
Wed Nov 23 03:42:08 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Nazis Lost in Blizzard; Believed Dead of Frostbite
Wed Nov 23 03:36:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5l6OO6Cro3
— @MadMaxFlapper
Wed Nov 23 03:34:09 +0000 2016
"You're Next," Sources Indicate
Wed Nov 23 03:32:17 +0000 2016
reminder that you too can make a nazi sad by supporting @ApprovedNews6 at https://t.co/76qHXTXxht
— @velartrill
Wed Nov 23 01:14:08 +0000 2016
"Wow, Look At This Special Snowflake:" Nazis Gather to Mock Weather
Wed Nov 23 01:02:04 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to End "The Tyranny of Democracy"
Wed Nov 23 00:17:09 +0000 2016
Florida Woman Sues for Breach of Contract After Husband Fails to Follow Through on Death Threat
Tue Nov 22 21:43:57 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Slumbering Titan Assails Reporters With Visions of "Fifth Reich"
Tue Nov 22 19:45:53 +0000 2016
Miranda Anatheme, Seventh Lord Catastrophic of the Mirthful Rite, Slams the Slumbering Titan for "Racially Insensitive Mind-Transmissions"
Tue Nov 22 19:43:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/LS7UI3tgZF
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Nov 22 18:27:42 +0000 2016
"Nothing is Wrong," USPS Confirms; "What Were You Thinking," "Everything is Fine"
Tue Nov 22 17:46:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: USPS spokesperson revealed to be four eels in a trenchcoat
— @echoesandashes
Tue Nov 22 17:45:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER FROM NEWSLORD 7: Journalists Owe Their Nation A Solemn Duty https://t.co/AhRoDnJMnp
Tue Nov 22 16:11:53 +0000 2016
Scientists Find Amelia Earhart on the Moon
— @sciencesuggests
Tue Nov 22 15:45:21 +0000 2016
SPECIAL REPORT: Eternal Council of Newslords Condemns "Epidemic of Unapproved News"
Tue Nov 22 15:40:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Yeah, that happened to me a few times. Being dealt with as a traitor, I mean. I'm running out of countries to run to
— @_Staven
Tue Nov 22 15:37:34 +0000 2016
Newslord 7: "Let All the Earth Know That to Dishonor the News is to Perish"
Tue Nov 22 15:35:54 +0000 2016
Newslord 7: "Irresponsible Fool" Who "Confused Work for Personal Twitter Account" Has Been "Dealt With As A Traitor Deserves"
Tue Nov 22 15:31:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 one parent quoted as saying 'Listen to Mary Jane, Jimmy; don't you use that Holy Savior"
— @KarieSenkow
Tue Nov 22 14:31:41 +0000 2016
SPONSORED: Tired of the Same Old, Same Old? Spend This Thanksgiving in Scenic "Undisclosed Location!" Your Family is Already There.
Tue Nov 22 14:30:27 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Teens May Be "Getting High on Jesus"
Tue Nov 22 14:29:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "weather forecast calls for 2-3 inches of flaming white phosphorus, vengeance."
— @ShriekingNoises
Tue Nov 22 00:51:17 +0000 2016
New Startup Aims to "Disrupt Innovation"
Tue Nov 22 00:17:42 +0000 2016
Experts: The Press Is Unstoppable https://t.co/ggOpmZCioo
Mon Nov 21 22:49:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This just in: "No, YOU'RE the real racist" Sources continue.
— @ZeroUtopia
Mon Nov 21 22:32:54 +0000 2016
"Racism Isn't Racist," Say Sources
Mon Nov 21 22:18:39 +0000 2016
Interview: Low-Earning Eroticans "Deeply Afraid" of "Outright Ass Warfare"
Mon Nov 21 21:41:57 +0000 2016
Erotican Repubic's Sex Party Fingers "Hard-Right Provocateurs" in Vore Fraud Inquest
Mon Nov 21 21:38:26 +0000 2016
Erotican Repubic Reports Widespread Vore Fraud in Cuntentious Presidential Erection
Mon Nov 21 21:34:33 +0000 2016
Newslord 7: "We Are So Close," "Pledge Us Your Support that the War May Begin At Last" https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Nov 21 20:40:09 +0000 2016
Preparing for Potential March on CNN, Newslords Begin Forging Weapons-Grade Opinions, Incendiary Hot Takes
Mon Nov 21 20:38:48 +0000 2016
CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke: "I Will Die Before I Surrender The Great News Orb;" "All Earth And Heaven Will Shout My Glory"
Mon Nov 21 20:36:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Planning of the operation is already in progress, contingent upon obtaining funding
— @KarieSenkow
Mon Nov 21 20:34:01 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Approved News 6 "Only $25 Away" From Funds Needed to Reclaim Great News Orb from Unapproved News Source CNN https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Nov 21 20:32:50 +0000 2016
It's an epidemic, I tell you! https://t.co/jEmDmcli9J
— @MxHarperion
Mon Nov 21 20:28:36 +0000 2016
Yoor: "Yes, We Know You Cheated On That, We Have The Video"
Mon Nov 21 20:26:46 +0000 2016
Yoor: "The New Anthem Has Subliminal Control Signals," "So Did Old Anthem," "So Did Your Goddamn Fourth-Grade Math Homework," "Honestly"
Mon Nov 21 20:26:26 +0000 2016
"Of Course It Fucking Does," "Do You Even Know Who I Am?" Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Visibly Exasperated
Mon Nov 21 20:24:36 +0000 2016
Analysts: New Illuminati Anthem May Contain "Subliminal Control Signals"
Mon Nov 21 20:23:32 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Man Has Opinion
Mon Nov 21 20:21:19 +0000 2016
"Look, We Just Deliver The Mail:" Pressed on Live Eels Filling All Mailboxes in America, USPS Offers No Comment
Mon Nov 21 20:10:02 +0000 2016
Clinton Supporter, American Dystopia Initiative Arch-Director Simone Andrews XI "Willing to Work With" Trump Administration, Say Aides
Mon Nov 21 20:04:05 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
State of Alabama Files Axe Evasion Charges Against Donald Trump
Mon Nov 21 20:00:43 +0000 2016
CloneWatch Director Simone Andrews XXIII Reportedly "Deeply Concerned" by Trump Defense Secretary Pick
Mon Nov 21 19:58:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 he's woefully unqualified. Dear Nigel's ideas *dream* of someday being merely bad!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Mon Nov 21 19:58:33 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: Trump "Likely" to Pick Simone Andrews VLIII as Secretary of Defense
Mon Nov 21 19:53:31 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
After "Careful Deliberation," Eternal Queen Desdemona Rothschild I of England Appoints Nigel Farage Minister of Bad Ideas
Mon Nov 21 19:50:30 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Found Beheaded After Removing Tag from Mattress in Furniture Store
Mon Nov 21 19:49:32 +0000 2016
Americans for Traditional Torments "Hopeful" Trump Will Reintroduce Boiling in Oil, Agony of the Long Knives
Mon Nov 21 19:46:47 +0000 2016
Monks of the Bronze Mask Issue Completely Blank Press Release, Stare Silently at Increasingly Anxious Reporters
Mon Nov 21 19:36:30 +0000 2016
SOCIETY: Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Vows to Seal the Shimmering Portal, Revoke the Writ of Absolution
Mon Nov 21 19:24:29 +0000 2016
Florida Man "Just Won't Die," Report Authorities, Weeping: "Oh God, Why Won't He Die"
Mon Nov 21 19:21:49 +0000 2016
She Who Throttles the Dawn Calls for "General Strike" Against Incoming Trump Administration
Mon Nov 21 19:21:01 +0000 2016
Prominent Clinton Supporter Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Spectre of the Nameless Realm, Warns of "Irregularities" in 2016 Election
Mon Nov 21 19:14:55 +0000 2016
"What Blood? This Blood? Don't Talk to Me About Blood, Megyn:" Donald Trump Speaks to Press After Being Impaled by Unicorn
Mon Nov 21 19:10:52 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewer Funding "All the More Critical" in Event Federal Funding Appropriated for @ApprovedNews7, as Threatened by President-Elect
Mon Nov 21 19:04:11 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Approved News 6 "Only $26 Away" From Sufficient Funding to March on CNN, Reclaim Great News Orb https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Mon Nov 21 19:02:27 +0000 2016
This Adorable Video of a Bear Petting a Dog Will Cause Severe Epidermal Lacerations & Intracranial Hemorrhage! Do NOT View It
Mon Nov 21 17:16:41 +0000 2016
Hillary Clinton Departs for Deep Space
Mon Nov 21 16:49:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Why weren't they arrested? Isn't that illegal?
— @_Staven
Mon Nov 21 10:03:54 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Innocent Bystander Survives
Mon Nov 21 06:15:28 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Impromptu Public Performance of South Florida National Anthem in Downtown Miami Triggers Cattle Stampede; Hundreds Believed Dead
Mon Nov 21 06:12:54 +0000 2016
RELATED: Republic of South Florida Picks Clint C. Beauregard's "Pandemonium in C Major for Tambourine & Hollerin'" as National Anthem
Mon Nov 21 06:07:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Finally my five years of Redaction Buzzer in school are useful
— @substitute
Mon Nov 21 06:03:26 +0000 2016
Illuminati Adopts Jedidiah Donnerkreuz's "Concerto in G Minor for Pipe Organ & Redaction Buzzer" as Official Clandestine Anthem
Mon Nov 21 06:01:03 +0000 2016
Cowardly, Treacherous CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Reportedly "Terrified" by Possibility of Approved News 6 Reclaiming Great News Orb
Mon Nov 21 05:38:55 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewer Contributions "Only $34 Away" From Level Needed to Reclaim Great News Orb from Thieving CNN Anchors https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Nov 21 05:38:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Finally!
— @usr_local_share
Mon Nov 21 05:22:07 +0000 2016
Institute for the Advancement of Inevitable Downfalls: "SOON"
Mon Nov 21 05:01:38 +0000 2016
World's Last IPv4 Address to be Put on Display at Smithsonian
Mon Nov 21 00:52:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 religious liberty is at stake
— @Chirurgic
Mon Nov 21 00:18:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 You sure those aren't impanelment regulations?
— @King_Of_Flesh
Mon Nov 21 00:17:49 +0000 2016
Adherents of the Bleeding Faith Mount Legal Challenge to Connecticut's "Burdensome" Impalement Regulations
Sun Nov 20 22:05:28 +0000 2016
Increase Your Productivity With These 7 Simple Daily Injections: It Is Illegal Not To
Sun Nov 20 19:47:04 +0000 2016
New Legislation Would Require All Ballots to be Printed in Comic Sans
Sun Nov 20 19:38:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 some of the court summons are going to take over 90 billion years to deliver, though
— @_Staven
Sun Nov 20 18:24:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I hope they'll do something about all those existing stars undergoing fusion without a license, too.
— @_Staven
Sun Nov 20 18:24:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It's about time we did something about all this hydrogen going to waste.
— @_Staven
Sun Nov 20 18:23:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 finally, someone who stands up for our rights to a constant, never-changing skyscape
— @words_txt
Sun Nov 20 18:23:52 +0000 2016
Experts: "Same"
Sun Nov 20 18:23:11 +0000 2016
State of Texas Files for Injunction to Halt Star Formation Across Observable Universe
Sat Nov 19 21:58:45 +0000 2016
RELATED: Seven Grand Jurors Impaled By Court
Sat Nov 19 19:41:01 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Hundreds of Vampires "Impaneled" After Disastrous Typo
Sat Nov 19 19:24:29 +0000 2016
"The Trees Were Watching Me:" Clinton Confirms Speculation of Fairy Hex
Sat Nov 19 19:03:09 +0000 2016
Hillary Clinton, Dressed in Tattered Robes, Blindfold, Emerges From Whispering Woods After Week-Long Absence
Sat Nov 19 19:02:50 +0000 2016
Witnesses Near Locker Bannon Trapped in Report Muffled Recitations of "Cringeworthy" Poetry Interspersed With Sobbing
Sat Nov 19 18:38:15 +0000 2016
"Eh:" Pressed for Comment on Bannon's Predicament, Republican Spokesman Shrugs Shoulders, Wanders Away from Podium
Sat Nov 19 18:11:05 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Sources Indicate Steve Bannon Remains Trapped in High School Locker
Sat Nov 19 18:10:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 of course the bigger question is why in hell was Steve Brannon doing in a high school girl's locker room?
— @ShinNovaheart
Sat Nov 19 18:01:00 +0000 2016
"We'll Make America Bleed Again:" Rudy Giuliani Interrupts CNN Broadcast, Neck Bulging, Tossing Switchblade from Hand to Hand
Sat Nov 19 06:58:23 +0000 2016
Analysts: Trump's "Unique Ability" to Draw "Single-Minded Wrath" of Wildlife Could Prove "Game Changer" in International Negotiations
Sat Nov 19 05:27:49 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Trump Press Conference Interrupted by Hundreds of Enraged Brown Bears, Mountain Lions
Sat Nov 19 05:26:05 +0000 2016
Mysterious, Implacable Force "A Well-Known Terrorist Sympathizer:" Trump Issues Blistering Condemnation After Falling Screaming From Sky
Sat Nov 19 05:19:45 +0000 2016
Campaign Staff: Trump "Undaunted" After Being Dropped From Tremendous Height by Mysterious, Implacable Force
Sat Nov 19 05:16:47 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Quarterback Begins Making Out With Her Girlfriend By Locker Bannon Trapped In to Sound of Trump Chief Strategist's Muffled Weeping
Sat Nov 19 05:15:05 +0000 2016
"Guy's A Fuckin' Dweeb, Man:" Quarterback Who Forced Steve Bannon Into High School Locker Speaks to Press
Sat Nov 19 05:11:58 +0000 2016
Sources: Steve Bannon "Has Been Trapped in High School Locker For Weeks"
Sat Nov 19 05:05:48 +0000 2016
"Fear is for the Weak:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Spokeswoman Sister Vindicta Dismisses Trump Accusations, Vows "Crusade Unending"
Sat Nov 19 00:41:34 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Trump Accuses Eternal Council of Newslords of "Radical Sympathies" for "Terrorist" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Sat Nov 19 00:40:18 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to Redirect Federal Funding From Approved News 6 to @ApprovedNews7
Sat Nov 19 00:37:52 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Great Denver Abomination Spreads Seven Bleeding Wings, Prophesies "Coming of the Iron Times"
Sat Nov 19 00:29:54 +0000 2016
Peaceful Protest Against the Great Denver Abomination Disrupted by Police Violence
Sat Nov 19 00:28:22 +0000 2016
New American Flag to be "Constantly on Fire," Congressional Sources Suggest
Fri Nov 18 23:52:23 +0000 2016
OMG // CC @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/crHRJnATHk
— @AndrewNCassidy
Fri Nov 18 22:27:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/BKrbhV3V8h
— @jjm6501
Fri Nov 18 22:26:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/thIePHShJP
— @8Fourteen
Fri Nov 18 20:01:52 +0000 2016
Papal Bulls Stampede Through Vatican City
Fri Nov 18 07:07:31 +0000 2016
Reporters who pressed her for comment wander the press pool in winsome spirals, gently sparkling as they gibber to… https://t.co/c1KpXPBkbT
— @cveidson
Fri Nov 18 02:03:12 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Nowhere to be Found
Fri Nov 18 02:00:21 +0000 2016
Spokesman Downplays Concerns Clinton "Captured, Enslaved" by Capricious Fairy Queen: "The Fairy Queen Does Not Exist"
Fri Nov 18 01:56:26 +0000 2016
Hillary "Has Yet to Return" from Whispering Woods, Report Sources Close to Clinton Family
Fri Nov 18 01:54:46 +0000 2016
Without the Great News Orb, humanity is doomed. As an Avian that should be no feather off my back—but I've got huma… https://t.co/HOUT4b0vFp
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Nov 18 00:35:01 +0000 2016
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 upped mine. Now more than ever we need the Newslords.
— @substitute
Fri Nov 18 00:34:53 +0000 2016
Newslords: Backed by Power of Both Great News Orb, Great News Cube, Approved News 6 Would Become "Unstoppably Informative"
Fri Nov 18 00:30:12 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
News Oracles Estimate $1000/Month in Viewer Contributions "Would Suffice" to Reclaim the Great News Orb https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Nov 18 00:29:35 +0000 2016
Is Mark Zuckerberg going to aid @ApprovedNews6 in recovering the News Orb from the @CNN hellbeasts? Film at 11:00! https://t.co/mH4xIDnKPQ
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Nov 18 00:28:40 +0000 2016
keep doing that, please make a Patreon pledge if you possibly can. https://t.co/76qHXTXxht even $1 matters.
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:24:12 +0000 2016
so if you like @ApprovedNews6, my writing at https://t.co/QlLbGKyLM7, my essays, or my twitter rants, and you want me to stay alive so i can
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:24:08 +0000 2016
make it available for free, i need to be able to survive to keep doing that.
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:24:03 +0000 2016
so even $1/month is a big help. money from Patreon is my ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME. and while i really like being able to write shit for y'all &
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:23:59 +0000 2016
i'm in really bad shape financially right now because of passport costs and heating bills. my savings are almost gone.
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:23:55 +0000 2016
reminder that you can help me survive by making contributions at https://t.co/p4XU7WhEjJ
— @velartrill
Thu Nov 17 19:23:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Erotican Health Minister Reassures; Defeating the Eel "A Normal Part Of Growing Up"
— @Chirurgic
Wed Nov 16 23:55:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Kids these days are so stupid. Eels don't even have feet.
— @tom_forsyth
Wed Nov 16 23:55:15 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: More & More Children "Becoming Obsessed" At "Early Ages" With "Defeating the Eel"
Wed Nov 16 23:45:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Spokesslut: "We remain committed to a peaceful transference of bodily fluids"
— @Chirurgic
Wed Nov 16 22:57:08 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Erotican Repubic Calls for Sexecution of Anti-Sex Party Sacktivists for "Cockblocking Democracy"
Wed Nov 16 22:52:28 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Sex Party Tops Polls in Erotican Republic's Upcoming Presidential Erection
Wed Nov 16 21:46:26 +0000 2016
Analysts: Exact Replicas of President Obama Closing on Washington Will Arrive "No Sooner than 20 January, 2017"
Wed Nov 16 19:36:09 +0000 2016
"They Are Invulnerable to All Weapons:" Secret Service "Helpless" as Thousands of Exact Replicas of President Obama Approach Washington
Wed Nov 16 19:35:00 +0000 2016
Anonymous Sources Report Thick, Dark Mold "Slowly Exuding" From All Surfaces in White House Since Presidential Election
Wed Nov 16 19:32:58 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Don't they know it's useless to apply pressure to an amorphous blob?
— @vblasv
Wed Nov 16 19:32:05 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Corrosive Green Ooze Engulfs Reporter
Wed Nov 16 19:26:35 +0000 2016
it's just the same old one-liners from his stump speech https://t.co/7JeoQT8Dm4
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Nov 16 19:24:44 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: Trump May Appoint Corrosive Green Ooze Chief of
REDACTED
Wed Nov 16 19:24:31 +0000 2016
glad they're sticking with tradition https://t.co/B8KwZKQUPG
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Nov 16 19:23:29 +0000 2016
Pressed on Defiler Worm Allegations, Trump Vomits Slugs
Wed Nov 16 19:11:17 +0000 2016
Enablers, all of them. How do you expect to win back the Illuminati vote like this?! https://t.co/xN8WVsFITy
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Wed Nov 16 19:10:18 +0000 2016
"We Need to Give Him A Chance:" Democrats Downplay Allegations Trump "An Aspect of the Defiler Worm"
Wed Nov 16 18:50:47 +0000 2016
Congressional Budget Office Issues List of Five Hundred Impossible Demands, Written in Senators' Blood on Skin of Interns
Wed Nov 16 06:50:34 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
US Poet-Laureate Rushed to Hospital in "Prolific" Condition
Wed Nov 16 02:10:11 +0000 2016
"Cash-for-Labor Scandal:" Secretary of the Blindingly Obvious Accused of Accepting Federal Funds to Perform Basic Tasks of Office
Wed Nov 16 02:09:18 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Theological Engineering Announces Initiative to "Make God Great Again"
Tue Nov 15 23:31:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Counterpoint: Desmonida Pruitt, Undead Queen of Sarasota, reports 1783 was a wild party.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Nov 15 23:12:51 +0000 2016
Unions Worry Republicans May Privatize Government Sex Facilities
Tue Nov 15 20:20:38 +0000 2016
Federal Department of Hyperbole to Revoke "Billions Upon Billions" of Artistic Licenses
Tue Nov 15 19:18:42 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man "Hasn't Had Sex Since 1784"
Tue Nov 15 18:18:06 +0000 2016
"They Took It Away And They Put It In Our Dreams:" Whistleblower Speaks Out Against "
REDACTED
" in IRS Subcontracting
Tue Nov 15 16:31:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 They're a bit chatty online, though. https://t.co/P5ubBExI0X
— @PithyOrNot
Tue Nov 15 09:10:48 +0000 2016
Citizens Report "Midnight Visits" by "Government Owl Men:" "Just Standing at the Door, Silent, Still, Staring Relentlessly"
Tue Nov 15 08:55:49 +0000 2016
Twitter CEO: "The Birds Are Hungry"
Tue Nov 15 02:47:07 +0000 2016
Florida Man Arrested for Deploying "Implement of Perversion" Within City Limits
Mon Nov 14 20:01:57 +0000 2016
Appearing on NBC, Elon Musk Brandishes Dagger, Demands Reports "Cut
Him
Open:" "Cut Me Open & Drink Deeply Of My Wisdom"
Mon Nov 14 18:34:02 +0000 2016
Philosophers Warn Exposure to Super Moon May Result in "Anxiety," "Depression," & "Existential Ennui" in "The Unprepared"
Mon Nov 14 17:46:39 +0000 2016
Sources: Super Moon's Light "Dispels All Illusion," "Lays Bare All Deception, Both Good And Ill"
Mon Nov 14 17:45:09 +0000 2016
Experts: Those Not "Fully Aware & At Peace" With Selves, Lives, & Physical Existence Should "Cower & Flee" From Super Moon's Relentless Gaze
Mon Nov 14 17:41:18 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: The Light of the Super Moon Reveals Many Things, Some Better Left Hidden
Mon Nov 14 17:38:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Supermoon tonight. I hope everyone has a hiding place: cave, mine, bunker, deep basement. Blackout curtains won't suffice!
— @UnrealMcGravin
Mon Nov 14 17:38:08 +0000 2016
Anonymous Source: "You Cannot Hope to Best Me;" "Surrender Now & I May Permit You to Live"
Mon Nov 14 13:20:33 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Invoke Not the Dread Beast, And Speak In Hushed Whispers That It Might Not Rise
Mon Nov 14 13:18:43 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Is Donald Trump the Face of the Defiler Worm? Let's Face the Facts
Mon Nov 14 13:15:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Procrastinators League of America Endorses Trump
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 13 20:39:50 +0000 2016
the moon explodes and the dead return to life
— @NYTMinusContext
Sun Nov 13 15:11:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Zw97QmwkNr
— @SwooshyCueb
Sun Nov 13 05:20:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rhBfULTPnj
— @rabcyr
Sun Nov 13 01:40:25 +0000 2016
"Turns Out There's No Law Against It:" Florida Man Arrested for Maintaining Clone Harem Released Without Charges
Sun Nov 13 01:32:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 You May Wish To Avert Your Eyes As Justice Is Not Always Pretty
— @VinnieTesla
Sun Nov 13 00:51:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Theosophists: Cryptic clay Bas-Relief discoveries up 230%
— @armurray1
Sun Nov 13 00:51:03 +0000 2016
Analysts Blame Poor Performance of Nameless Bone Party Candidate on "Exclusionary" Behavior of "Alt-Wight Activists"
Sat Nov 12 23:08:42 +0000 2016
Obama Blood Czar Criticizes Trump's "Unsophisticated" Blood Policy
Sat Nov 12 22:50:34 +0000 2016
New American Society for Hegemonic Biblioclasm Founded to Continue Defunct Predecessor's "Crucial Work"
Sat Nov 12 22:46:36 +0000 2016
Pressed on War Between Illuminati, Council of Twelve, Obama Briefly Replaced by Large Black Redaction Box
Sat Nov 12 20:37:52 +0000 2016
Pressed on Supreme Court Picks, Trump Stares Silently, Mouth Agape, Drooling at Reporter as Lights Begin to Flicker
Sat Nov 12 19:56:59 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 I hope they observe the international ban on cluster bears
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Nov 12 17:24:38 +0000 2016
"Wait, Whose Is This?" In "Wacky Mix-Up," Illuminati, Council of Twelve Agents Blow Cover Attempting to Sabotage Same Power Station
Sat Nov 12 16:47:09 +0000 2016
Thousands of Seemingly Ordinary Citizens Nationwide Reveal True Identities, Join Battle as War Between Illuminati, Council of Twelve Spreads
Sat Nov 12 16:45:31 +0000 2016
Fighting Between Illuminati, Council of Twelve Intensifies as Illuminati Begins Bearstrikes Nationwide
Sat Nov 12 16:13:05 +0000 2016
there is hope @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/TJklxxqsb7
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Nov 12 12:29:59 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Council of Twelve Flees Citadel of the Resolute, Pursued by Dozens of Bears, as Illuminati Secretary-General Doubles Up Laughing
Fri Nov 11 20:37:27 +0000 2016
"Impossible," "This Cannot Be," "You All Should Be
REDACTED
Right Now:" Council of Twelve Emissary Breaks Down Ranting Angrily
Fri Nov 11 20:24:57 +0000 2016
"FOOLED YOU:" Illuminati Grand Inquisitor Balġeez Yakšeeš Pulls Tarp Off Illuminati Fortress, Flips Off Council of Twelve Emissary
Fri Nov 11 20:24:07 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
All Contact Lost With Secret Illuminati Fortress in Dakota Restructuring Zone
Fri Nov 11 20:22:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If they're talking about the microwave in the 86th floor break room, it's about time. Thing's been out for weeks now.
— @_Staven
Fri Nov 11 20:21:18 +0000 2016
Pressed on Council of Twelve Threats, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Sticks Out Tongue, Chants "Neener-Neener" at Camera
Fri Nov 11 20:13:03 +0000 2016
"The Device Is Now Operational:" Council of Twelve Issues "Final Ultimatum" to Illuminati
Fri Nov 11 20:11:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ha, not so unstoppable after all, huh?
— @baconshire
Fri Nov 11 04:23:55 +0000 2016
Sussex: 69 Fingered by Internal Government Probe
Fri Nov 11 03:30:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 HRC Wanders Whispering Woods In Search Of Wise Witch, Finds Only Fairy Queen, WDNE, Disguised As Her… https://t.co/px6YGJL0PI
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Nov 11 02:58:30 +0000 2016
Tomorrow at 8/7c: We Interview Romance Expert Dra. Amorosa Corazón on New Developments in Romantic Topology
Fri Nov 11 01:24:13 +0000 2016
Fearing Trump Sorcery Policy, Activists Take to Internet to Distribute Protective Incantations
Thu Nov 10 21:31:29 +0000 2016
Revenge acquired by Disney
— @erowidrecruiter
Thu Nov 10 21:02:02 +0000 2016
Xhaldross the Unstoppable Pulled Over for Traffic Violation
Thu Nov 10 17:06:32 +0000 2016
Did the Great Archfungus Unduly Affect Election Outcome? We Ask the Hard Questions, Tonight on Approved News 6
Thu Nov 10 15:50:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 you can just say "White People", you know
— @Chirurgic
Thu Nov 10 14:48:17 +0000 2016
Exit Polls: Trump Most Favored by "Vore Fiends, Crab Thieves, & The Infested"
Thu Nov 10 14:45:36 +0000 2016
"Let Us Sin With Magnificence:" Light of Distant Stars Reflecting in Eyes, Eerie Levitating Child Delivers Speech at Washington Monument
Thu Nov 10 04:22:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That fucker has eyes?
— @King_Of_Flesh
Wed Nov 09 21:23:56 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Winks Mischeviously, Hands Reporter Gently Whirring Aged Bronze Mechanism
Wed Nov 09 20:11:50 +0000 2016
Illuminati Issues, Immediately Suppresses Press Release; Only Unredacted Word "Trump"
Wed Nov 09 20:11:06 +0000 2016
"The Claw Shall Soon Be Mine:" In "Moving" Victory Speech, Trump Vomits Repeatedly on Crowd, Vows to "Suffocate the Heavens" in "Tar & Bile"
Wed Nov 09 18:28:43 +0000 2016
"The American People Want Blood," "The Blood of Their Enemies, the Blood of Their Friends:" Clinton Bows to Will of the People, Concedes
Wed Nov 09 18:21:57 +0000 2016
Analysts: Politicians Will Have to "Break Everything," "Maybe Start Murdering Constituents in the Streets" to Earn Back Loyalty of Voters
Wed Nov 09 18:18:53 +0000 2016
"America Has Spoken:" Election "A Clear Referendum," Say Experts: "2016 Wasn't Nearly Bad Enough"
Wed Nov 09 18:16:23 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man "Can't Stop" Vomiting Up Ballots; "We Don't Know Where They're Coming From," Say Scientists
Wed Nov 09 18:05:55 +0000 2016
Trump Wins
Wed Nov 09 06:10:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 will not be updating further tonight. i don't have the stomach for it.
— @velartrill
Wed Nov 09 04:53:36 +0000 2016
Scientists Confirm: The Great Undoing Has Begun
Wed Nov 09 04:51:12 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Lightning Flashes Overhead as Trump Stands Atop Trump Tower, Bellowing With Laughter, Spun-Gold Cape Whipping in Wind
Wed Nov 09 04:35:44 +0000 2016
"It Was An Accident," Florida Man Tells Reporters from Hospital Bed https://t.co/nuhwAtPh6l
Wed Nov 09 04:24:00 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Three Vials of Nebraska Terror Serum Discovered Stolen from Bioweapons Research Facility
Wed Nov 09 04:22:49 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Florida Man Accidentally the Election
Wed Nov 09 04:21:26 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Florida Man Accidentally the Election
Wed Nov 09 04:21:26 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight Exit Polls: Forsaken Party Strongest Among Hollow-Eyed, Emaciated Millennials in Ragged Clothing
Wed Nov 09 03:35:26 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Runes of Fire Emblazoned Across Vampire State Building Predict Clinton Victory
Wed Nov 09 03:34:09 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Shirtless Man Clad in Animal Furs Standing Atop Washington Monument Calls Florida for Trump
Wed Nov 09 03:33:11 +0000 2016
#ElectionNight: Eerie Wind Rises Up Among Standing Stones All Across America
Wed Nov 09 03:31:03 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
War Party, Vore Party Conflation Blamed on Election Worker With German Accent
Wed Nov 09 00:51:47 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Yackety Sax Mysteriously Emanates From The Heavens; Travels Above The Car Chase
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Nov 09 00:50:50 +0000 2016
Experts: "Consult Your State's Laws" https://t.co/ZX1JqOjJrX
Wed Nov 09 00:50:36 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: "Don't Make Me Squeeze All Your Blood Out," Trump Tells Reporter
Wed Nov 09 00:25:19 +0000 2016
New Study Throws Doubt on Claims Bad Words Cause Cancer
Tue Nov 08 22:50:33 +0000 2016
FUCK I VOTED FOR THE WRONG CANDIDATE https://t.co/eC6SyltVYH
— @SwooshyCueb
Tue Nov 08 22:39:29 +0000 2016
"Let us not divide the electorate with fungus-baiting rhetoric, but rather with sharp implements," Bone Party candi… https://t.co/Iq4l0987t2
— @cveidson
Tue Nov 08 20:15:40 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Self-Crucifixion Up 30%
Tue Nov 08 19:32:46 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: "Wacky Mix-Up" Leads to War Party, Vore Party Candidates Being Swapped on Mississippi Ballots
Tue Nov 08 18:40:49 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Hundreds of Mutants Captured Leaving Wyoming Border Slums in Attempt to Vote
Tue Nov 08 18:40:12 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Chicago Orb Adopts Patriotic New Color Scheme, Incinerates Thousands With Beams of Wrathful Light
Tue Nov 08 18:27:42 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Evades Vote Extraction, Fleeing From FEC Troops in Comical High-Speed Car Chase
Tue Nov 08 18:25:04 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay Reminder: Using Your Own Blood to Fill Out Your Ballot is a Federal Crime — Always Use the Blood of a Small Forest Creature
Tue Nov 08 18:23:53 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: "The Bone Party Is Trying to
REDACTED
The Election," Furious Trump Tells Reporters
Tue Nov 08 18:20:18 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: "Serious Questions" Raised After Activists Arrested Putting Up Bone Party Posters at Vote Extraction… https://t.co/hF5ZWPvq5c
Tue Nov 08 18:17:34 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Many "Disenchanted" Younger Voters Writing In Deceased Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm as Protest Vote
Tue Nov 08 18:15:27 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Pressed for Comment After Casting Its Vote, Nameless Bone Party Candidate Emits Deafening Shriek, Shattering Windows for Miles
Tue Nov 08 18:12:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 difficult to write in a nameless candidate.
— @tomscud
Tue Nov 08 18:10:36 +0000 2016
Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Vows to Prevent "Mycological Meddling" in Presidential Election, Begins Nibbling Podium
Tue Nov 08 18:09:02 +0000 2016
Department of Blood, Sex, & Death Dispatches Thermal Scouring Helicopters to Combat Archfungus
Tue Nov 08 18:07:38 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Archfungus Outbreak in Mideast Disrupts Vote Extraction Procedures
Tue Nov 08 18:07:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 See, this is why I tell my friends to go to early extraction. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt.
— @VersusMe101
Tue Nov 08 18:06:53 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support #ElectionDay Profiteering by Approved News Sources at https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Nov 08 18:00:24 +0000 2016
Experts: #ElectionDay Victory For Nameless, Formless Bone Party Candidate "Unlikely;" Could Herald "The Great Undoing"
Tue Nov 08 17:59:02 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Bone Party Candidate, Shrouded in Black Robes That Whip Violently in Wind Felt By No Other Creature, Arrives at Voting Zone
Tue Nov 08 17:58:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Whether this violates the Bird Intimidation Consent Decree will be a matter for the courts.
— @VinnieTesla
Tue Nov 08 17:56:55 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: "The Real Winner Was Inside You All Along," Say Experts
Tue Nov 08 17:56:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
This #ElectionDay, Learn the Complex History of Our Most Cherished Institution https://t.co/kmlfAOtFWC https://t.co/hhBbPJJREX
Tue Nov 08 17:53:24 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Trump Appears at Vote Extraction Zone Aboard Massive Palanquin, Drawn by Ritually Moaning Figures in Iron Masks
Tue Nov 08 17:51:29 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Clinton Arrives at Vote Extraction Zone, Bursting Up From Beneath Ground Atop Howling Underbeast
Tue Nov 08 17:49:19 +0000 2016
Obama: "Heed Not These Impostors;" "I Am The One True President"
Tue Nov 08 17:47:53 +0000 2016
#ElectionDay: Thousands of Figures Identical in Every Way to President Obama Begin to Converge on Washington, Smiling Winningly
Tue Nov 08 17:47:13 +0000 2016
ELECTION DAY: Seismomancers Report "Unmistakable Patterns" in Geological Activity "Point Directly" to Clinton Win
Tue Nov 08 17:45:28 +0000 2016
ELECTION DAY: Booming Voice From Sky Predicts Trump Win, Frightens Millions of Birds
Tue Nov 08 17:44:32 +0000 2016
AN IMPORTANT REFERENCE LIST FOR TODAY'S SIGNS AND OMENS. .@ApprovedNews6 .@NightValeRadio https://t.co/ioT9sR6Tun
— @jonahformayor
Tue Nov 08 16:47:56 +0000 2016
ELECTION DAY: Blood-Red Ravens Scatter Across All America to Collect Extracted Votes in Their Greedy Claws
Tue Nov 08 16:23:23 +0000 2016
EARLY RESULTS: Bone Party Polling Well Among Headless Children, Moaning Things In Closet, & Tragically Mutilated Se… https://t.co/LeibbQpkhY
Tue Nov 08 16:20:28 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: ELECTION DAY IS HERE - REPORT TO YOUR DESIGNATED VOTE EXTRACTION ZONE
Tue Nov 08 16:16:46 +0000 2016
City Planners May Relocate Outer Space to Small Texas Neighborhood
Tue Nov 08 03:16:02 +0000 2016
Florida Man Reinvents Wheel — Again
Tue Nov 08 03:02:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Activists petition for separation of church and state sex facilities.
— @jleedev
Mon Nov 07 20:44:44 +0000 2016
Experts on Rising Levels of Atheism Among Gods: https://t.co/JIb479HIE2
Mon Nov 07 20:36:58 +0000 2016
"Fuck You," Say Sources: "Just, Fuck You," "I Used To Have A Life, I Used To Have A Family," "I'm Dead Anyway So Get It Over With Already"
Mon Nov 07 20:18:38 +0000 2016
As Election Approaches, 90% of Americans Report Dreaming Nightly of Snakes
Mon Nov 07 15:45:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 they just have to believe in themselves
— @JonnieMarbLes
Mon Nov 07 01:10:52 +0000 2016
God Psychologists' Union: "It can be difficult to counsel infallible beings with low self-esteem," howls spokes-sil… https://t.co/ru44wWjZfg
— @cveidson
Mon Nov 07 00:57:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Tch. Hipster deities, with their lumberjack beards and their tight pants.
— @munin
Mon Nov 07 00:37:29 +0000 2016
New Poll: More Gods Each Year Identifying as Atheists
Mon Nov 07 00:36:19 +0000 2016
@ShinNovaheart @ApprovedNews6 tbqh the entire Necropolis went to shit when ghouls got the vote. And it's not speciesism, I'm 1/4th wight.
— @PithyOrNot
Mon Nov 07 00:24:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I don't support the skeleton agenda and its pro-bone marrow agenda
— @ShinNovaheart
Sun Nov 06 23:28:31 +0000 2016
Minorities "Getting Fat Off Government Blood," Say Bone Party Activists
Sun Nov 06 20:12:24 +0000 2016
Colorado to Legalize Recreational Sorcery
Sun Nov 06 17:00:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Related: Is "Congress" too suggestive a word for polite social intercourse?
— @_Staven
Sun Nov 06 15:40:19 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Congress already working on amending public decency laws to take into account the recent findings. https://t.co/JQ1io4ifi9
— @_Staven
Sun Nov 06 15:40:17 +0000 2016
Experimental Linguists Discover World's Sexiest Conjunction
Sun Nov 06 15:27:10 +0000 2016
Trump Endorses Self
Sun Nov 06 10:33:28 +0000 2016
She's Baaack: "Call Me Maybe" as Performed by Dead Insects and Spiders
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Nov 06 10:21:35 +0000 2016
Iowans Report Appearance of "Nuclear Sex Cathedral"
Sun Nov 06 06:13:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Sources: "I don't remember buying this", "how did it get here?"
— @baconshire
Sat Nov 05 21:13:59 +0000 2016
New Study: Most Common Household Product "Discontinued Item #7"
Sat Nov 05 21:09:01 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Donations from Viewers Like You to ██████████ Permanent ███████ Global Biosphere https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sat Nov 05 19:52:38 +0000 2016
FULL ARTICLE
| A History of Democracy, by Rebecca Rosenwolf https://t.co/yrPaGOFLZG https://t.co/EPYzzfBjto
Sat Nov 05 19:43:00 +0000 2016
As Polls Open, Police Begin Raiding Homes of Suspected Vote Extraction Evaders
Sat Nov 05 15:38:22 +0000 2016
Florida Man Discovers New Sin
Sat Nov 05 15:17:26 +0000 2016
MIT Biologists Successfully Breed Turing-Complete Cat
Sat Nov 05 00:46:33 +0000 2016
SHOCKING REPORT: Children As Young As 10 May Be Getting High on Jesus
Fri Nov 04 21:27:52 +0000 2016
Newslords Break Long-Standing Policy, Endorse US Bone Party Candidate: "He Is In Our Homes And We Are Terrified Of His Power"
Fri Nov 04 21:02:20 +0000 2016
Mitt Romney
REDACTED
The Dancing Man; Battle Spreads to Arkansas
Fri Nov 04 19:42:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Hey, That is *Not* Cool," Say Experts. "Not Cool at *All*."
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 04 15:58:42 +0000 2016
I take responsibility for both incidents in the name of the Squirrel Liberation Front. @ApprovedNews6 @Ratatpsk4 https://t.co/QEASmf50kr
— @surly_squirrel
Fri Nov 04 15:57:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There seems to an upsurgence. https://t.co/HJzIbcwZgX
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Nov 04 04:34:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This news brings [REDACTED] to my heart and [REDACTED].
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Nov 03 21:15:11 +0000 2016
Polls Show Clinton
REDACTED
Trump [REDACTED] Throne of the Seven Manifold Glories [REDACTED] Final Victory of the [REDACTED] Nigh
Thu Nov 03 19:59:30 +0000 2016
Texas State Police: Prime Suspect in Series of Gruesome Murders "The Essential Hubris of Man"
Thu Nov 03 12:56:22 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Wait, What Is That?" Report Experts: "You Can't — Oh God;" "Oh God No, Please, Anything But That," "We're So Sorry"
Thu Nov 03 12:54:09 +0000 2016
"Ha Ha Ha," Say Experts: "Bet You Didn't See This Coming;" "How Do You Like Us Now, Eh?"
Thu Nov 03 12:53:04 +0000 2016
Meryl Streep Could Be Used for Fuel
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Nov 03 11:17:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/tqhhR4rlei
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 03 08:48:49 +0000 2016
National Union of Sluts Accuses Foreign Workers of "Coming Over Here And Taking Our Dicks"
Wed Nov 02 23:15:40 +0000 2016
FEC Troops Begin Deploying to American Cities, Setting Up Checkpoints to Deter Eligible Voters from Fleeing
Wed Nov 02 18:54:59 +0000 2016
Gently Menacing Apparitions in Congressional Cloakroom Endorse Clinton
Wed Nov 02 17:17:32 +0000 2016
Sources: Donjeta the Despoiler Has "Resumed Leadership" of the Albanian Bone-Horde, Seized Control of Albanian Bone-Hoard
Wed Nov 02 16:12:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Airs Wednesday Night, 8/7c, After Season Premiere of "Say Yes to Possess"
— @70_million
Wed Nov 02 16:11:41 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Deposed Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Escapes UN Custody
Wed Nov 02 16:10:02 +0000 2016
TV: "The Learning Charnel" Announces Albanian Bone-Hoard Expedition
Wed Nov 02 16:03:57 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Subvert Revolutions Fast With This One Weird Trick, Discovered by a Mom - The Military-Industrial Complex Hates Her!
Wed Nov 02 13:03:45 +0000 2016
cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/8VDC71h3zO
— @_b_e_n_c_
Tue Nov 01 18:11:45 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Papal Engineering Develops First Computer Capable of Sin
Mon Oct 31 23:47:41 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: https://t.co/Jntac0vDWm
Mon Oct 31 23:43:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/b0yeyZbW7k
— @_Staven
Mon Oct 31 18:58:24 +0000 2016
"It Goes In Your Ear:" Stony-Faced Tim Cook Announces "New Dongle" in Eerie Black & White Video, Holding Candle to Face, Whispering
Mon Oct 31 12:27:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Yeah, but Pepe Himself pissed on Trump, so the Amphibious Endorsement is clear.
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Mon Oct 31 09:49:15 +0000 2016
EXPERTS: Reports "Highly Unconvincingly" https://t.co/Gn18rvrrur
Mon Oct 31 09:06:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this is FROG OPPRESSION
— @NoraReed
Mon Oct 31 08:50:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 i can't believe you would say this. #notallfrogs
— @NoraReed
Mon Oct 31 08:50:30 +0000 2016
Ten Story-Tall Frog Covered in Swastikas Endorses Trump
Mon Oct 31 08:49:00 +0000 2016
"Can We Just, Like, Not," Say Sources: "I Mean, Seriously, Guys"
Mon Oct 31 03:44:47 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Florida Man Has Opinion
Sun Oct 30 23:41:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 How to recognize a reptilian politician!
— @abovetopsecretx
Sun Oct 30 22:07:50 +0000 2016
Republicans Demand Budget Cuts to Government Snake Facilities
Sun Oct 30 21:11:03 +0000 2016
Librarian Beats Man to Death With Book Club
Sun Oct 30 21:06:01 +0000 2016
UPDATE: Evidence Of Time Traveling Florida Man Surfaces In Eleanor Roosevelt's Diary @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/xZmVxLOjel
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Oct 30 19:26:45 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/3idGTHtYp5
— @munin
Sun Oct 30 19:26:29 +0000 2016
Big government at it again!!!!! https://t.co/nCXcAo1VYz
— @pattymo
Sun Oct 30 04:05:09 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Genetic Analysis Proves Pharaoh Akhenaten Time-Traveling Florida Man
Sun Oct 30 03:18:49 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Wow, Care Bear poaching is #1 again!
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Oct 29 23:44:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It's always those blasted [REDACTED]! Have you seen how they mutilate cows!?
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat Oct 29 23:00:57 +0000 2016
"Obama, The Jews, The Masons, The
REDACTED
, It All Makes Sense:" Trump Unveils Enormous Flow Chart, Shouts at CNN Anchor
Sat Oct 29 22:39:33 +0000 2016
Harvard Law Review Publishes Annual Ranking of Crimes from Most to Least Fun
Sat Oct 29 16:58:46 +0000 2016
Secretary of the Interior Taken Into Protective Custody After Bears Nationwide Begin Converging on Her Location
Sat Oct 29 04:13:45 +0000 2016
Karl Rove Leads Walrus Stampede on Wall Street
Fri Oct 28 20:20:10 +0000 2016
9% of Americans Admit to Use of Recreational Curses, Up From 5% in 2007
Fri Oct 28 17:43:58 +0000 2016
"Let Us Down From Here This Very Instant," Say Experts: "This Is Not Funny!"
Fri Oct 28 07:05:03 +0000 2016
RELATED: Black Teenager Found Innocent of All Charges, Sentenced to Fifty Years in Prison
Thu Oct 27 23:52:56 +0000 2016
"Yep, Looks Good To Me;" "I'm Sure This Won't Have Any Politically Dangerous Ramifications At All:" Judge Affirms Jury's Verdict Crime Legal
Thu Oct 27 23:50:44 +0000 2016
"They've Got A Point;" "We Can't Really Argue With That:" Prosecutors Acknowledge Jury's "Strong Case" Crime Permissible Under Federal Law
Thu Oct 27 23:47:50 +0000 2016
"Violently Commandeering Federal Facilities is Completely Within the Rights of Any Citizen:" Jury Delivers Unanimous Verdict
Thu Oct 27 23:45:13 +0000 2016
US District Court Rules Crime Legal
Thu Oct 27 23:43:33 +0000 2016
Denver, CO: Flaming Wing Motif Found Burned Into Wall Above Stack of Lacerated Corpses
Thu Oct 27 22:30:55 +0000 2016
Sources: "Yes" https://t.co/NSIJ9yl2A7
Thu Oct 27 22:28:19 +0000 2016
Alabama Teen Killed by Cloud
Thu Oct 27 19:43:54 +0000 2016
"This Is Gonna Hurt:" Apple to Add "Always-On" Microwave Pain Inducers to All Products; $AAPL Rises 12%
Thu Oct 27 19:42:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the federal government can't maintain this ridiculous ban on Florida's state sport
— @Chirurgic
Thu Oct 27 17:50:05 +0000 2016
Florida Man Convicted of Conspiracy to Commit Armed Adultery
Thu Oct 27 17:46:36 +0000 2016
South Korea Prime Minister Apologizes For Being Controlled By Secret Cabal Of Psychic Women @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/PjknqVfsjw
— @_Staven
Thu Oct 27 17:20:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 They'll have to pry my teeth out of the cold, dead, tiny hands of the tooth fairies.
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 27 15:18:31 +0000 2016
"WorldGov Wants Your Teeth," Warns Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo
Thu Oct 27 07:43:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Microsoft to Offer New VoIP (Vengeance Over IP) Service
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 27 07:39:42 +0000 2016
Last Surviving Slaughtergate Investigator Dies at Age of 3,971
Thu Oct 27 05:53:59 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Iran, Clinton Rolls Eyes Back in Head, Chants Blood-Hymn of the Faceless Adjutant
Thu Oct 27 05:30:48 +0000 2016
"It's Like He Knows Something We Don't:" D.C. Voters "Agitated" at Appearance of Trump's Disembodied Grin in Sky
Thu Oct 27 04:27:17 +0000 2016
Trump's Disembodied Grin Appears in Skies Over Washington, D.C.
Thu Oct 27 04:25:49 +0000 2016
"There Is But Death Here," Polls Show
Thu Oct 27 04:15:55 +0000 2016
Department of Sorrow Issues Tear-Stained Press Release
Wed Oct 26 20:02:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That's got to be a cutting withdrawal.
— @munin
Wed Oct 26 18:18:18 +0000 2016
Chuch of the Long Knife Retracts Trump Endorsement
Wed Oct 26 18:17:52 +0000 2016
Information Theorists Perform World's First Memectomy
Tue Oct 25 21:39:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If this is at 15th and Orange Ave it’s normal for that intersection.
— @substitute
Tue Oct 25 20:10:30 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
All Known Depictions of Virgin Mary Catch Fire
Tue Oct 25 20:10:21 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report "The Steady Throb of A Thousand Lurking Hearts," "The Snapping of Twigs Right Behind You"
Tue Oct 25 20:08:44 +0000 2016
Authorities Blame DC Metrorail Delays on "The Stalker in the Catacombs"
Tue Oct 25 18:16:17 +0000 2016
"A Thousand Knives for the God of Lies:" Festival Held in Ruins of New York City to Honor the Lobster King
Tue Oct 25 05:13:02 +0000 2016
WEIRD AND WACKY: ████████ ███████ ████ Video █████████ Wings of Flame, ██████ ████ Found Devoid of Life
Mon Oct 24 23:49:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 will the Newslords comment on a rival network’s attempt to undermine the stability of time? seems ba… https://t.co/uj1zbUaQdC
— @chrysopoetics
Mon Oct 24 23:09:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Bah. The Sex Party is just trying to promote the Sex Party Sex Parties under a pretense of bolstering the budget.
— @_Staven
Mon Oct 24 20:50:15 +0000 2016
Sex Party Proposes Virginity Tax
Mon Oct 24 20:03:17 +0000 2016
"There Is A Void Inside Us All, My Friend:" Mitt Romney, Clad in Tattered Robes, Blindfold, Appears on Four Talk Shows Simultaneously
Mon Oct 24 19:44:40 +0000 2016
International Society of Stonemasons, Gravediggers, & Hangmen Endorses Clinton
Mon Oct 24 19:12:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 man, they're really selling those? I thought the artificial blood pact lawsuit put them out of production.
— @lycoris_aurea
Mon Oct 24 05:27:49 +0000 2016
POLL: Where Will You Be on Election Day?
Mon Oct 24 02:14:38 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rvVRzJZP2N
— @shurimon
Mon Oct 24 01:35:05 +0000 2016
Oh yeah? Then why won't he release the long form death certificate? https://t.co/u6GtLT85Bh
— @SimeonTheFool
Mon Oct 24 00:59:09 +0000 2016
Trump: "Barack Obama Has Been Dead For Years And He Still Won't Admit It"
Mon Oct 24 00:42:24 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Hex Your Lunch! Now Available in Nine Deliciously Cursed Flavors
Mon Oct 24 00:38:15 +0000 2016
POLL: Who Was the Real Loser of the Third Presidential Debate?
Mon Oct 24 00:02:58 +0000 2016
POLL: Who Was the Real Winner of the Third Presidential Debate?
Sun Oct 23 23:46:33 +0000 2016
FULL ARTICLE
| Trump, Clinton Face Off in Third Presidential Debate https://t.co/sKz8jMHyci
Sun Oct 23 23:30:56 +0000 2016
Newslords "Absolutely Will Not" Illegally Use Viewer Contributions to Evade Vote Extraction, Reliable Sources Report
Sun Oct 23 21:49:21 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Our Election Coverage With a Monthly Donation https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Oct 23 21:48:27 +0000 2016
"The Vote Extraction Process is a Cornerstone of American Democracy:" Obama Condemns Americans Fleeing Election 2016
Sun Oct 23 21:42:15 +0000 2016
"Don't Make Us Vote," "Please, We Have Children, Families:" Americans Fleeing Election Plead for Mercy
Sun Oct 23 21:41:36 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Americans Captured at Mexican Border Attempting to Flee Election
Sun Oct 23 21:39:35 +0000 2016
"I Had To Walk All the Way Here From 1969:" Drenched, Furious Mitch McConnell Interrupts Live Broadcast, Berates CNN Anchor
Sun Oct 23 13:55:07 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/TbOafSb6to
— @rhcm123
Sun Oct 23 02:02:58 +0000 2016
Republicans Propose Bill Banning Use of Federal Funds in Resurrection Rituals
Sat Oct 22 21:34:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Questioning Approved News Sources is a Class 7 Heresy https://t.co/FgFE9cxPbL
Sat Oct 22 20:09:39 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities "Will Not Rule Out" Use of Nuclear Weapons to Prevent Trump Presidency
Sat Oct 22 20:03:18 +0000 2016
Survivors of San Francisco Chimney-Bombings Demand Prosecution of Illuminati Agents
Sat Oct 22 19:54:48 +0000 2016
In "Blistering Dissent," Supreme Court Justice, Decorative Battleaxe Collector Martha E. Wallace Beheads Justice Roberts
Sat Oct 22 19:51:02 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Rules Bullets "Protected Speech"
Sat Oct 22 19:49:35 +0000 2016
Masked Gunman Fired From CNN After Mugging Co-Host
Sat Oct 22 19:46:11 +0000 2016
5 Ways to Tell Your Votive Wine Has Been Poisoned by Gremlins — #3 Will Shock You!
Sat Oct 22 19:28:44 +0000 2016
Cursed Pigs Flood Livestock Markets; Authorities Baffled
Sat Oct 22 19:24:09 +0000 2016
Telecoms Silent on Epidemic of Bleeding Phones
Sat Oct 22 19:12:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Pack of Feral IP Address Hounds Savage Twitter's DNS Server
— @khymchanur
Fri Oct 21 21:05:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 so, what, we can pursue it, as long as we don't actually catch it?
— @baconshire
Fri Oct 21 12:45:50 +0000 2016
Happiness "Unconstitutional," Supreme Court Rules
Fri Oct 21 12:16:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 bandwagon-jumpers...
— @Chirurgic
Fri Oct 21 11:26:24 +0000 2016
Nebraska Terrorswarm Endorses Nameless Bone Party Candidate
Fri Oct 21 03:54:34 +0000 2016
Spider Council Claims Responsibility for Invisible Teleporting Spider Epidemic
Thu Oct 20 20:33:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 oh good, maybe they'll evacuate the undergrads and the library will be quiet again.
— @tanglefox
Thu Oct 20 17:59:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if they can replace my old state's governor I'm for it
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Thu Oct 20 17:54:35 +0000 2016
"Talking About Them Only Makes Them More Powerful:" MIT Spider Scientists Release "Urgent" Report
Thu Oct 20 17:45:00 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Teleporting Spiders in New Jersey Develop Power of Invisibility
Thu Oct 20 17:42:44 +0000 2016
New Jersey Afflicted by Plague of Teleporting Spiders
Thu Oct 20 17:31:54 +0000 2016
@connor_medcalf I preferred the shows they did with Nolo Contendere in '92. @ApprovedNews6
— @jbwhelan
Thu Oct 20 16:47:58 +0000 2016
I saw Clawback Provision cover their B Side, Fiduciary Misconduct. https://t.co/h8JhezxIFt
— @GlomarResponder
Thu Oct 20 16:46:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I saw Writ of Mandamus open for Habeas Corpus in '94
— @connor_medcalf
Thu Oct 20 16:45:42 +0000 2016
Lawpunk Band "Writ of Mandamus" Sues Trump Campaign For Use of Song "Amicus" in Campaign Ads
Thu Oct 20 16:42:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 An excerpt from the statement he gave the press: "..."
— @_Staven
Thu Oct 20 07:36:57 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Teens Using "Powerful Incantations" to Get High
Thu Oct 20 07:30:32 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Imprisons Man Accused of Smuggling Meaningful Silences
Thu Oct 20 06:57:15 +0000 2016
EXPOSÉ: Maniacal Eggs Terrorize Bird Website
Thu Oct 20 06:45:00 +0000 2016
Experts: "You'll Be Sorry"
Thu Oct 20 03:37:49 +0000 2016
ORB NEWS: https://t.co/4DZM2FI1c4
Wed Oct 19 22:14:51 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 "ooooooo" is not even a word, let alone a message. More Gary Johnson missteps.
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Oct 19 17:24:28 +0000 2016
DARPA To Weaponize The Discourse
Wed Oct 19 05:23:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Weird. My oatmeal said 3rd party votes are for people with commitment issues and low self esteem.
— @IncookieCook
Wed Oct 19 04:10:13 +0000 2016
Parents Report Messages Appearing in Children's Breakfast Cereal, Urging Voters to Support Gary Johnson
Wed Oct 19 04:07:26 +0000 2016
Experts: "Get Out of My Office"
Wed Oct 19 01:43:46 +0000 2016
Scientists at Austin's Large Meme Collider Detect Evidence of Subtweets
Wed Oct 19 00:17:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 You could lure the News Orb with its opposite: https://t.co/svTWx7tCAM
— @gilmourtaylor
Wed Oct 19 00:14:10 +0000 2016
Dressed in Racially Offensive Costume, God of Appropriation Voices Support for Washington Redskins
Tue Oct 18 17:05:35 +0000 2016
“But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the end, my client may have murdered his wife, but it was in the study w… https://t.co/TXvN8DuTQL
— @zygoteofxyzzy
Tue Oct 18 16:56:32 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Florida Man Issues Public Response https://t.co/QZlJqBhDBd
Tue Oct 18 06:49:15 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Man Has Opinion
Tue Oct 18 06:20:48 +0000 2016
"Please, Just Take Them," "We Don't Have Time To Explain:" Standing on Streetcorner, NRA Officials Hand Out Hundreds of Rifles to Passers-By
Tue Oct 18 06:19:52 +0000 2016
Writing for the Majority, Decorative Battleaxe Collector, Supreme Court Justice Martha E. Wallace Labels Ironic Crime "Protected Speech"
Tue Oct 18 06:12:02 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Rules Irony Defense Permissible in Murder Cases
Tue Oct 18 06:09:32 +0000 2016
President Mary Winthrop of South Florida Unveils Monument to State's Secession https://t.co/t7pswDoZAJ
Tue Oct 18 03:19:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Environmentalists Protest Proposed Bog Butt Mine. "Butts Are a Vital Part of the Bog Ecosystem."
— @khymchanur
Tue Oct 18 01:39:26 +0000 2016
Researchers Discover Butts in a Bog
— @sciencesuggests
Tue Oct 18 00:50:24 +0000 2016
Analysts: Masked Gunman "A Mainstay of Establishment Politics;" Johnson Endorsement "Shocking"
Mon Oct 17 23:12:51 +0000 2016
Masked Gunman Endorses Gary Johnson
Mon Oct 17 21:59:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Hold On There!"
— @khymchanur
Mon Oct 17 15:24:02 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 In "unrelated" news, President of Florida nowhere to be seen. https://t.co/EDMMa92N19
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Oct 17 02:30:41 +0000 2016
New Startup Helps Politicians Outsource Lying
Mon Oct 17 01:36:48 +0000 2016
Solemn Bearers of the Midnight Sword Convicted on Multiple Counts of Tax Fraud
Mon Oct 17 01:32:49 +0000 2016
"This Isn't The America I Grew Up In:" CNN Newscaster Admits to Extradimensional Origins
Sun Oct 16 23:59:46 +0000 2016
Senate Considers Bill to Levy Tariffs on Import of Metaphysical Impossibilities
Sun Oct 16 20:18:38 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: "Nothing Is Worse Than This"
Sun Oct 16 20:13:43 +0000 2016
"A Malefic Revenant Bent on Universal Subjugation:" American Family Council Endorses Trump
Sun Oct 16 19:52:51 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Lumbering Monstrosity Obstructing Traffic in D.C., White House Spokesman Swears Loudly, Flees Podium
Sun Oct 16 18:49:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Sin is relative.
— @ladyjax
Sun Oct 16 18:16:21 +0000 2016
Experimental Lawyers at Heavy Crime Collider Discover Third Fundamental Particle of Justice
Sun Oct 16 18:09:09 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Levitation is a Sin
Sun Oct 16 18:07:01 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Levitation is a Racial Justice Issue
Sun Oct 16 18:06:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I blame those Harry Potter books.
— @IncookieCook
Sun Oct 16 18:02:04 +0000 2016
"Sex Communists Want To Make Our Children Swingers:" Concerned Parents Issue Press Release
Sun Oct 16 17:54:07 +0000 2016
"Hellthrash? More Like Helltrash!" Trump Mocks Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash as "Soft on
REDACTED
"
Sun Oct 16 17:26:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Nonsense", Says Russian Embassy In Official Statement, "We'll take anyone's blood we can"
— @zacaj_
Sun Oct 16 17:22:56 +0000 2016
"The Russians Want My Blood:" Nobel Laureate Christine Terrorsmith Tells Us Why She's Suddenly Relocated to a Fortified Underground Bunker
Sun Oct 16 17:11:01 +0000 2016
Marketing Cartel Kidnaps Hundreds of Inmates from St. Xerxes' Charitable Home for the Terminally Folksy
Sun Oct 16 04:30:32 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 "Time Traveler Only" Parking Cited as Discriminatory https://t.co/XjLr2H479u
— @cveidson
Sun Oct 16 02:07:24 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: News Hounds Pursue Tirelessly Those Who Shirk Their Civic Duties
Sat Oct 15 20:59:46 +0000 2016
As Election Day Approaches, More & More Americans Fleeing Country to Avoid Vote Extraction Procedures
Sat Oct 15 20:58:52 +0000 2016
News Hounds Massing Near Municipal Standing Stones, A Clear Omen Electiontide Draws Near
Sat Oct 15 19:14:27 +0000 2016
Ghoul of the Tattered Dome Retracts Trump Endorsement
Fri Oct 14 22:33:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "A coherent brand identity is crucial to every stage of child development. Don't let your kids grow up without one"
— @joe_no_body
Fri Oct 14 22:31:45 +0000 2016
Top Marketers: "Staying On-Brand" Must Be "Top Priority" of Future Parents
Fri Oct 14 22:28:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Experts have one question: Should the entity be considered a person or a municipality? https://t.co/MHDy18AOX2
— @jleedev
Fri Oct 14 22:27:53 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Call for "Mandatory K-12 Classes" Teaching Children How to Beat Up Protestors
Fri Oct 14 17:37:17 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Exalted Magister of the Sibilant Syllable Murdolph Theophagous Could Not be Heard Over Loud Man's Phone Conversation
Fri Oct 14 17:36:15 +0000 2016
Conclave of Whispers Disrupted by Loud Man in Suit
Fri Oct 14 17:34:53 +0000 2016
"You're going to remember this rally for the rest of your lives," Trump tells crowd in Cincinnati.
— @mckaycoppins
Fri Oct 14 01:27:24 +0000 2016
Joe: "It's not much of a boon, really. I can only make eels come up out of old-timey wells." @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Thu Oct 13 20:35:20 +0000 2016
New Startup to Politicize Space
Thu Oct 13 19:01:27 +0000 2016
Heritage Foundation Unveils Plan to "Privatize the Sky"
Thu Oct 13 18:03:13 +0000 2016
Great Connecticut Eel Emerges From Well of Distant Dreams, Bestows Mysterious Boon on Seven Seemingly Ordinary Citizens
Thu Oct 13 17:54:24 +0000 2016
Trump: Clinton 'has to go to cyberjail'
— @cyberprefixer
Wed Oct 12 23:00:12 +0000 2016
Terrorwitch of the Tower of Torments Meets With Obama to Discuss Extradition Treaty
Wed Oct 12 22:58:41 +0000 2016
Indie Slut Rock Music Festival Disrupted by Concerned Parents
— @ApprovedNews6
Wed Oct 12 19:32:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm a parent and I cannot approve of this sort of debauchery. The kind of debauchery we had at that age was far superior.
— @gilmourtaylor
Wed Oct 12 19:32:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Your Funding to
REDACTED
Right In The [REDACTED] https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Tue Oct 11 22:01:39 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ijanuYwnVd
— @rhcm123
Tue Oct 11 21:59:07 +0000 2016
Indie Slut Rock Music Festival Disrupted by Concerned Parents
Tue Oct 11 21:57:26 +0000 2016
"The Great Undoing Has Begun:" Press Conference Turns Chaotic After MIT Professor of Computational Thaumaturgy Makes Controversial Claim
Tue Oct 11 21:56:12 +0000 2016
"Fuck Me Up," Say Experts: "Do Your Fucking Worst, I Just Can't Take It Anymore"
Tue Oct 11 21:51:04 +0000 2016
Trump Calls Press Conference, Vomits Blood of Iraqi Children for Hours as Room Fills With Flies
Tue Oct 11 07:22:57 +0000 2016
"Blood Is Boring," "Blood Is The Past:" New "21st Century" Coven to Focus on Infohexes, Datamancy
Mon Oct 10 23:28:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/sVuXdv67W4
— @jburnmurdoch
Mon Oct 10 20:33:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This Adorable Kitten will never be stopped. He will rule from coast to coast, from sea to seam & bathe in Hades' water dish.
— @ladyjax
Mon Oct 10 20:24:46 +0000 2016
This Monk of the Bronze Mask Was Indwelt By A Spirit of Boundless Depravity; What Happened Next Will
REDACTED
You
Mon Oct 10 19:41:17 +0000 2016
4 Ancient Evils That Could Be Lurking In Your Home
Mon Oct 10 19:38:08 +0000 2016
This Adorable Kitten Must Be Stopped
Mon Oct 10 19:31:09 +0000 2016
In Campaign Stunt, Trump Causes Volcanic Eruption
Mon Oct 10 18:24:28 +0000 2016
Secretary of Homeland Security on Detroit Orb Scare: "Initiate Paradigm CRUCIFORM SPHINX, This Is Not A Drill"
Mon Oct 10 17:44:23 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Funding to Maintain Staff Upon the Distant Peaks of the Forbidden Lands https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Oct 10 03:06:27 +0000 2016
As Figures in Waterlogged Cloaks Usher Candidates Offstage, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Begins to Chant Haunting Melody
Mon Oct 10 02:43:38 +0000 2016
Debate Concludes Abruptly as Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Swarms Stage, Adorning Candidates With Rusted Iron Jewelry
Mon Oct 10 02:40:18 +0000 2016
Trump: "They Cut His Heart Out, Sure, But That Didn't Kill Him," "It Was The Fingers, They Got In Deep" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 02:39:11 +0000 2016
Clinton: "We'll Create Millions of New Jobs, More Jobs Than People, More Jobs Than Stars, More Jobs Than There Is Light" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 02:37:31 +0000 2016
Trump: "They Said it's Radioactive Bears That Killed Scalia, But I Know The Truth" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 02:29:08 +0000 2016
Clinton: "Dark Money is Smothering the Sun;" "You Might Not Like the Sun, Donald, But We Need The Sun To Live" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 02:26:54 +0000 2016
Trump: "I'm Gonna Sow This Country Back Together," "We'll Use Needles, We'll Use Stitches, Gonna Get Blood Everywhere" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 02:22:46 +0000 2016
"We All Know You Built Bill in Your Garage Out of Spare Parts:" Trump Attempts to Link Clinton to Husband's Rhetoric
Mon Oct 10 02:17:48 +0000 2016
Trump Shields Self From Sudden Downpour With Aura of Pure, Boiling Hate #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:56:14 +0000 2016
Clinton Seemingly Unperturbed After Being Struck by Lightning Seven Times #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:51:52 +0000 2016
Thunder Roars, Rain Begins to Fall Through Ruined Roof of Forsaken Temple Hosting #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:49:40 +0000 2016
Trump Accuses Clinton of "Elitism" for Answering Question in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:46:47 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Debate Moderator Released from Cage, Returned to UN Custody After Emotional Breakdown, Replaced With Owl #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:45:13 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Goads Weeping Debate Moderator, Deposed Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler with Sharp Stick #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:44:04 +0000 2016
"What Happened to You, Donjeta?", "You Used to be a Man, Now Look At You:" Clinton Taunts Moderator #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:40:18 +0000 2016
"The Last Time I Debated Under A Full Moon, It Killed Me:" Trump Accuses Forbidden Lands Shadow Council of "Bias" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:37:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Hey, bags of snakes and leech hives already have the vote, why not orbs too?
— @khymchanur
Mon Oct 10 01:36:48 +0000 2016
Trump Unhinges Jaw #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:36:17 +0000 2016
Clinton: "Just Because I Don't Think America Should Be Criminalizing Levitation, That Makes Me A Tricky Witch?" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:28:44 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Trump Accuses Clinton of Tricky Witchcraft #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:26:24 +0000 2016
"It's Just Words:" Trump Downplays Own History of Placing Curses on the Destitute & Infirm #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:22:35 +0000 2016
"He Had America's Longest Neck When I Was Through With Him:" Clinton Outlines Plan to Fight Crime #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:18:25 +0000 2016
"There's A Kind of Knife, It Cuts A Part of You You Can't See:" Trump Talks Tough on Crime #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:15:20 +0000 2016
Clinton: "I Did Not Sleep Beneath the Earth for Eons Only to be Vanquished by the Yellow Defiler" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:11:14 +0000 2016
"Get Your Knives Out," "Get Ready for The Flaying Hour:" Trump Goads #DebateNight Audience
Mon Oct 10 01:07:57 +0000 2016
"That's Pretty Rich, Coming From The Man Who Destroyed Albania:" Clinton Deflects #DebateNight Moderator's Pointed Questions
Mon Oct 10 01:05:56 +0000 2016
#DebateNight Moderator Presses Trump on Dread Rites
Mon Oct 10 01:05:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I bet the average Orb paid more taxes than Trump
— @Chirurgic
Mon Oct 10 01:03:13 +0000 2016
Trump: "Sure, Next Thing You Know, Liberals Are Gonna Be Giving Orbs The Vote" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 01:01:21 +0000 2016
"We Need to Address the Concerns of Lurking-Class Americans:" Clinton Softens Stance on the Great Golden Beast #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:59:07 +0000 2016
Trump Calls for "Deregulation" of "Things That Come in Twos" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:57:08 +0000 2016
Clinton: "My Army Grows Each Day," "Do Not Think To Doubt My Might" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:56:08 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Trump Quietly Seething, Clenching Fists as Emaciated, Horned Man in Grotesque Wooden Mask Limps Across Stage
Mon Oct 10 00:53:38 +0000 2016
"Sand Ghasts Helped Make This Country Great," "Huge Respect For Them:" Trump Walks Back Inflammatory Comments #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:51:29 +0000 2016
"I Support Lifting The Great Veil; I Always Have:" Clinton Hammers Trump on Orb Policy #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:50:13 +0000 2016
Trump: "A Smart One, Oh Yes, But I'll Catch Him, I'll Catch Him & I'll Cut Him, You Better Believe It" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:44:47 +0000 2016
Clinton: "The Lack of Shipwrecks in This Country is Appalling" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:43:59 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Trump Fashions Elaborate Effigy of Debate Moderator, Begins Mumbling Incantations
Mon Oct 10 00:42:11 +0000 2016
Clinton: "We Can Worry About Stone Hoarders Once We've Dealt With That Thing Inside The Moon" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:39:33 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Trump Doubles Down on Demands for "Pogrom" of "Stone Hoarders"
Mon Oct 10 00:38:30 +0000 2016
Clinton: "That Thing Is Not God" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:37:51 +0000 2016
Trump: "What America Needs, It's About Ten Feet Long, Can't Say The Name, Can't Let It In, Find It At Any Hardware Store" #DebateNight
Mon Oct 10 00:37:05 +0000 2016
Moderator, Deposed Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Begins #DebateNight with Futile Escape Attempt
Mon Oct 10 00:34:39 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Clinton, Trump Emerge from Carriage Clad Only in Long White Robes, Wearing Crowns of Black Roses
Mon Oct 10 00:33:55 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Commences #DebateNight with Elaborate Dance
Mon Oct 10 00:32:52 +0000 2016
As Moonlight Falls on Podiums in Forsaken Temple, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Arrives in Carriage Drawn by Jet-Black Horses
Mon Oct 10 00:30:46 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Announces Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler to Moderate Presidential Debate
Sun Oct 09 22:26:10 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Winds Begin Rising Along Forbidden Coast as Figures in Waterlogged Cloaks Gather Around Temple Podiums
Sun Oct 09 21:59:11 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Hundreds of Travelers Long Believed Lost at Sea Begin Filling Audience in Forbidden Lands' Forsaken Temple
Sun Oct 09 21:58:00 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Hundreds of Figures in Waterlogged Cloaks Emerge from Beneath the Waves, Join Forbidden Lands Citizens in Debate Preparations
Sun Oct 09 21:55:21 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment by Reporters, Forbidden Lands Shadow Councilors Put Fingers Urgently to Lips, Shake Heads Somberly
Sun Oct 09 21:53:33 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Clinton, Trump, Still Dazed, Ushered from Beached Ships into Rickety Canoes by Forbidden Lands Shadow Council
Sun Oct 09 21:52:06 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Forbidden Lands Citizens, Sharing Knowing Smiles, Begin Preparing Forsaken Temple to Host American Presidential Debate
Sun Oct 09 21:50:13 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Reacts to Unexpected Arrival of American Presidential Candidates by Ordering Debate to Take Place
Sun Oct 09 21:47:25 +0000 2016
"I Don't Remember Boarding this Boat:" Confused, Disoriented Clinton, Trump Campaigns Wash Ashore in Forbidden Lands
Sun Oct 09 21:46:28 +0000 2016
Governor of Wisconsin Charged With Multiple Counts of Hornswoggle, Claptrap
Sun Oct 09 21:30:27 +0000 2016
As Halloween Approaches, Relationship Ghouls Begin Manifesting in Closets, Advising Young Lovers
Sun Oct 09 05:04:23 +0000 2016
Trump: "Moscow is Full of Vampires"
Sat Oct 08 11:07:03 +0000 2016
America's Stage Four Capitalism "Inoperable," Report Leading Economists
Sat Oct 08 04:38:35 +0000 2016
"It Was Just There," "It Was Always There, In The Secret Places, But We Found Them, Oh Yes:" DARPA Scientist on Discovery of Internet
Sat Oct 08 03:25:34 +0000 2016
"We Didn't Exactly Invent The Internet, So Much As We Found It Lying Around:" Retired DARPA Scientist Makes Shocking Admission
Sat Oct 08 03:24:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This is some serious anti-vampire bigotry. Fuck 'em, I'm voting Nameless Corporation.
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Oct 07 22:17:39 +0000 2016
"If It Bleeds, It Leads:" Dems Announce New Criteria for Minority Leader
Fri Oct 07 22:16:48 +0000 2016
Researchers Discover Ancient App
— @sciencesuggests
Fri Oct 07 21:46:33 +0000 2016
Experts: "I Disagree"
Fri Oct 07 16:53:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/7QJMCV5mUG
— @casidhe_k
Fri Oct 07 16:48:04 +0000 2016
Studies indicate that 4% of Americans have been decapitated at least once in their lives. @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/QAqq4rSH0k
— @_Staven
Fri Oct 07 04:38:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Evil Overlords Launch New Conservation Efforts in Response to Maniacal Laughter Shortage
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 06 17:56:48 +0000 2016
Dozens of Men in Spacesuits, Carrying Razors, March Solemnly Into Capitol Building
Thu Oct 06 08:53:38 +0000 2016
"Look, I Support Civilian Ownership of Nuclear Weapons, Always Have, Always Will:" Trump Defends Self Against NRA Attacks
Thu Oct 06 03:54:00 +0000 2016
"Telekinesis Is Not A Disease:" Controversial "National Telekinesis Association" Condemns "Pathologization" of Telekinesis Sufferers
Thu Oct 06 03:48:03 +0000 2016
Trump Calls on Americans to "Infest the Bloated Corpse of God"
Tue Oct 04 19:55:58 +0000 2016
"The Sky Will Scream For Me," "The Moon Will Shout My Name And All The Stars Will Hide:" Clinton Addresses Trump Tax Scandal
Tue Oct 04 04:42:34 +0000 2016
Trump on Tax Evasion Charges: "We're Gonna Make Hell Cool Again, Johnny," "We're Gonna Fill Up All the Pits, We're Gonna Open Up the Maw"
Tue Oct 04 04:36:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/sKgBM9EEKA
— @mjhutchinson
Tue Oct 04 01:17:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Just in time for the annual spike in broomstick traffic.
— @munin
Mon Oct 03 22:43:37 +0000 2016
DARPA Demonstrates World's First Surface-to-Air Hex
Mon Oct 03 22:17:26 +0000 2016
Volunteer Mercy Killing Brigade Called in After Attempt to Breed "Pizza Trees" Goes Horribly Wrong
Mon Oct 03 19:46:24 +0000 2016
@SwooshyCueb @ApprovedNews6 yeah but the waiting list for shame is getting so long that being seen in line is nearly just as embarrassing.
— @NorWesternCrow
Mon Oct 03 18:54:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I don't see the problem. It gets the job done and frees up assets for rehabilitating major offenders.
— @SwooshyCueb
Mon Oct 03 18:53:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Working on an Inhuman Interest piece on Ms. Unknown Power & why she chose to sink the Millennium Tower to build her Pyramid
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Mon Oct 03 12:13:51 +0000 2016
Meet These 7 Californians Whose Brains, Bodies "Hijacked Every Night" by Unknown Power to Build Blood-Red Pyramid in Downtown San Francisco
Mon Oct 03 05:56:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: The U.S. putting its fingers in its ears and singing "La la la la, Cuba doesn't exist" was ineffective policy.
— @khymchanur
Mon Oct 03 05:54:44 +0000 2016
US to End Ontological Boycott of Cuba
Mon Oct 03 04:56:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 back in my day they sentenced us to a life in the SHAME ORB and we were happy (and very ashamed) about it!
— @joe_no_body
Mon Oct 03 04:27:56 +0000 2016
Justice Department Criticizes State of Florida for "Overrelying" on Shame Cube to Punish Minor Infractions
Mon Oct 03 04:25:33 +0000 2016
Victims of the Third Impact Tell Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Sun Oct 02 23:33:20 +0000 2016
"No, Impossible, You Cannot Be Here" Say Experts: "I Watched You Die"
Sun Oct 02 21:33:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I may not agree with his politics, but at least he's actually trying to solve the problems this country is facing
— @SwooshyCueb
Sun Oct 02 16:13:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I may not agree with his politics, but at least he's actually trying to solve the problems this country is facing
— @SwooshyCueb
Sun Oct 02 16:13:54 +0000 2016
Scaldrax Hegemon, 2-Time Winner of "America's Most Evil," to Officiate at National Puppy-Kicking Festival
Sun Oct 02 13:04:53 +0000 2016
@approvednews6 Forest Ghouls are notoriously old-line conservative, Trump's antics might not play well.
— @smallupsetter
Sun Oct 02 02:56:08 +0000 2016
Trump Battles Clinton for Forest Ghoul Vote
Sun Oct 02 02:50:21 +0000 2016
"This Vote Changed Me," "This Desk, This Office, I Remember None of It," "Who Did I Use to Be?" Republican Lawmakers Justify Overriding Veto
Sat Oct 01 22:48:45 +0000 2016
Republicans Override Obama Veto, Slash Funding of Sun
Sat Oct 01 22:47:20 +0000 2016
"Your Nightmares Will Run Windows 10:" Microsoft Issues Press Release
Sat Oct 01 22:43:12 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
The Dancing Man
REDACTED
Mitt Romney; Hundreds Missing, Assumed Dead
Sat Oct 01 22:41:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/zTMmhMyU6M
— @joe_no_body
Sat Oct 01 22:39:46 +0000 2016
"I Have Discovered How to Kill the Dancing Man:" Mitt Romney Hijacks C-SPAN, Issues "Urgent Announcement"
Sat Oct 01 22:38:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 When will they have to answer for [REDACTED]'s [REDACTED]s?
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sat Oct 01 22:37:14 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Seven Revered Masters of the Holistic Demesne Arrive, Seize Feathers in Name of Illuminati
Sat Oct 01 22:37:06 +0000 2016
7 "Brilliant, Unearthly" Feathers Found in Ruins of New York Next to Burnt
REDACTED
Corpse; Nameless Corporation Refuses to Comment
Sat Oct 01 22:36:06 +0000 2016
Florida Man Claims to Have Assassinated "This & All Future" Presidents
Sat Oct 01 22:24:55 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Consititutional Crisis Resolved with Mug of Tea, Stern Lecture
Sat Oct 01 22:23:55 +0000 2016
"I Figured It'd Save Us All Some Time:" President of Space France Becomes First in History to Oust Self in Violent Coup d'État
Sat Oct 01 22:19:46 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Spilled Cup of Coffee Leads to Constitutional Crisis
Sat Oct 01 22:16:37 +0000 2016
New Advancements in Quantum Finance Lead to First Femtoscale Credit Default Swap
Sat Oct 01 17:32:57 +0000 2016
New Illuminati Branch Program at MIT to Teach Advanced Weather Control, Ascension to the 7th Holistic Demesne
Sat Oct 01 17:15:50 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Press Conference, Rings Gong, Speaks Seven Lies & Seven Truths
Sat Oct 01 17:10:07 +0000 2016
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 I was going to ask where this border was, but where could it be but Florida.
— @PhilDarnowsky
Sat Oct 01 16:50:08 +0000 2016
Direpunk Band "Fucklust" Stopped at US/Hell Border in First Apparent Enforcement of American Embargo
Sat Oct 01 16:45:11 +0000 2016
New Study: Every Coincidence in History Engineered by Your Enemies; "Their Elaborate Plot Draws Toward Its Final Conclusion"
Sat Oct 01 16:40:09 +0000 2016
DARPA Announces Development of "Ontological Enforcement Units"
Sat Oct 01 16:34:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: https://t.co/yRreAPOb5y
— @khymchanur
Sat Oct 01 14:14:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Platonic Ideal of Gold Stolen From Fort Knox
— @khymchanur
Sat Oct 01 14:14:43 +0000 2016
Google Refuses to Comment on Flock of Ravens Pursuing Its Executives
Fri Sep 30 23:10:34 +0000 2016
UK Votes to Defund the Moon
Fri Sep 30 22:47:49 +0000 2016
Clinton Makes Impassioned Case for Meme Control Laws
Fri Sep 30 22:31:39 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
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Fri Sep 30 22:20:37 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 They realize that's actually the Illuminati space station that replaced Venus, right?
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Sep 30 20:15:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/lBctoem9Vk
— @khymchanur
Fri Sep 30 07:48:52 +0000 2016
One Year Later, "America's Most Radioactive Man" Tyler Paulson Making "A Killing" Irradiating Inconvenient Foreign Leaders
Fri Sep 30 07:12:23 +0000 2016
Experts: CNN "Thieving Deviants" With "No Respect for Tradition, Property;" Must Be "Taught a Lasting Lesson"
Fri Sep 30 07:09:30 +0000 2016
Appropriate Individuals Confirm Approved News 6 "Only $67/Month Away" from Retaking Stolen Great News Orb from CNN https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Sep 30 07:07:51 +0000 2016
"The Algorithm Has Been Contained," Say Google Engineers; "At Last, Our Families Are Safe"
Fri Sep 30 07:05:56 +0000 2016
Thousands of Trees in National Forests Found Punched; American Tree-Punching League Suspected
Fri Sep 30 07:04:32 +0000 2016
Salamandra Theomisia Officially Sworn in as Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley
Fri Sep 30 07:02:21 +0000 2016
Bone Sorceresses Supreme Xylinda Overblight, Samedra Thunderflange Refuse to Comment on Rumors of Secret Romance
Fri Sep 30 06:58:47 +0000 2016
TRAVEL: 7 Shadowy Ruins You Will Inevitably Visit Before You Die
Fri Sep 30 06:56:49 +0000 2016
Senator Disastra bel-Malphegor (🐍-MA) Dodges Press After Sponsoring Controversial "Lay Barren All That Once Was Green" Act
Fri Sep 30 06:48:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Editorial: If we don't know what it's made of or which dimension it's from, can we call it a naturalised citizen?
— @Chirurgic
Fri Sep 30 06:37:57 +0000 2016
New Advancements in Appeasement Science Enable Safe Worship of Qlippoth-Branch Gods for First Time in History
Fri Sep 30 06:37:35 +0000 2016
Find Out What Common Species Look Like Liquefied! #7 Will Shock You
Fri Sep 30 06:34:17 +0000 2016
Google: Most Common Search Queries "Where Have All The Birds Gone," "Why Do The Clouds Spell Out My Name," "What Must I Do Next"
Fri Sep 30 06:26:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Some kinks are not appropriate for Congress, such as legislative vore. Our representatives should not eat the law
— @FioraAeterna
Fri Sep 30 06:20:56 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
With My Dying Breath I Shall Oppose Thee Still, Cursèd Tyrant
Fri Sep 30 06:20:35 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Your Resistance Only Delays the Inevitable; Surrender Now & Preserve Your Dignity
Fri Sep 30 06:17:05 +0000 2016
"It Shouldn't Be Alive, And We Don't Know How To Kill it:" Pundits Weigh in on Bone Party's 2016 Presidential Candidate
Fri Sep 30 06:14:55 +0000 2016
OPINION:
There Is No Place for Kinkshaming in Congress
Fri Sep 30 06:12:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Good to see US exports taking an interest.
— @munin
Fri Sep 30 06:11:07 +0000 2016
Malevolent Artificial Intelligence Orbiting Venus Granted Right to File Absentee Ballot in US Election
Fri Sep 30 06:10:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 literally. they all have telepathy so as soon as you focus on one it stops and the rest start
— @joe_no_body
Fri Sep 30 06:09:54 +0000 2016
Which Failing Soviet Mind-Control Satellite is Giving You Breast Cancer? It's Not The One You Think It Is!
Fri Sep 30 06:09:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I hope the fools didn't -open- it
— @munin
Fri Sep 30 06:06:51 +0000 2016
Newly Discovered Mass Grave Sheds Light on Bloodgate Scandal, "The Flaying Period" of Dark Lord Nixon's Reign
Fri Sep 30 06:06:10 +0000 2016
RELATED: Research Confirms 7 Species of Tree "Ontologically Satanic"
Fri Sep 30 06:03:42 +0000 2016
New Evidence Challenges Claims Marijuana "Biologically Demonic"
Fri Sep 30 06:00:36 +0000 2016
White House Issues Annual List of Seemingly Normal, Unassuming Citizens
Fri Sep 30 05:57:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I love #6: "Neighbor's Propane Tanks". Can't get enough of those.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Sep 30 05:47:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 CIA Interrogators Hate Her!
— @joe_no_body
Fri Sep 30 05:43:27 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Make The Son-of-a-Bitch Talk With This One Weird Trick, Discovered By A Mom
Fri Sep 30 05:37:42 +0000 2016
7 Creative Ways For You & The Kids to Have Fun With Anti-Materiel Rifles
Fri Sep 30 05:34:49 +0000 2016
War Crimes "Major Source of Cholesterol," Says New Study
Fri Sep 30 00:37:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: https://t.co/fbP5jTwXER
— @khymchanur
Fri Sep 30 00:09:14 +0000 2016
America Diagnosed with Stage 4 Capitalism
Thu Sep 29 19:29:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yH6pDZDRxR
— @SwooshyCueb
Thu Sep 29 13:49:40 +0000 2016
New Study: Americans' Favorite Hobbies "Consuming Nutrients," "Sheltering in Place"
Thu Sep 29 00:41:12 +0000 2016
@listelian @ApprovedNews6 Boo! The death matches were the only thing that made jury duty bearable.
— @nepthyron
Wed Sep 28 23:48:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 back in my day we had to kill ten men in order to make our case in traffic court! damn youngins have it so easy these days
— @zacaj_
Wed Sep 28 21:46:29 +0000 2016
Nevada Supreme Court Rules Jurors May Use Voting to Issue Decision in Place of Battling to the Death
Wed Sep 28 21:43:21 +0000 2016
Could Money Laundering Cure Cancer? Find Out Tomorrow Night at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Wed Sep 28 02:45:44 +0000 2016
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Look, they’re not Nazis. They are legitimate Electric Venusian conservatives with memorabilia collections
— @substitute
Tue Sep 27 23:17:15 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
"Electric Nazis from Venus" Blamed in Series of Power Grid Failures
Tue Sep 27 23:13:31 +0000 2016
This. As an ex-academic I know very well how crucial snakes are to the rigorous examination of ideas. https://t.co/fszRZko0jP
— @listelian
Tue Sep 27 22:46:12 +0000 2016
Need to Refinance Your Home? This Brutal Murder May Surprise You!
Tue Sep 27 21:46:12 +0000 2016
Presidential Debate Criticized for Lack of Snakes
Tue Sep 27 20:21:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 - call your doctor if an insurrection last more than 4 hours
— @pete_hardie
Tue Sep 27 15:55:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Take one Titan II ICBM as needed. Side effects may include nuclear winter, mutated livestock, inflated ego, and silo-dick"
— @PithyOrNot
Tue Sep 27 06:56:28 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Enemy Nations Acting Up? Do You Suffer From Chronic Insurrections? Ask Your Doctor if Nuclear Weapons are Right for You
Tue Sep 27 06:47:37 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Parakeet Found Responsible for Series of Ghastly Beheadings in North Carolina
Tue Sep 27 04:23:13 +0000 2016
"It's Not Clear If This Is A Terrorist Act Or If He's Just Really Bad At His Job:" Officials Urge Caution
Tue Sep 27 03:37:06 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Florida Man Flies Train Into State IRS Heaquarters
Tue Sep 27 03:34:28 +0000 2016
In Wake of Disastrous #DebateNight, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Unveils Tattered Tapestry Depicting the Many Lessons Learned There
Tue Sep 27 03:00:05 +0000 2016
consider going to https://t.co/76qHXTXxht and help me keep writing this. thank you! <3
— @velartrill
Tue Sep 27 02:58:24 +0000 2016
dedicate my time to writing this feed for y'all, but i also need to be able to, like, eat. so if you can afford even $1/month, please
— @velartrill
Tue Sep 27 02:58:20 +0000 2016
hope you all enjoyed the @ApprovedNews6 debate coverage. just a reminder that Patreon is my only source of income - i love being able to
— @velartrill
Tue Sep 27 02:58:15 +0000 2016
Trump, Howling With Rage, Attacks NBC Arch-Moderator Lester Holt With 7 Rusty Daggers #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:54:58 +0000 2016
Clinton: "I Think We Just Made A Terrible Mistake" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:53:32 +0000 2016
NBC Arch-Moderator Lester Holt Asks Candidates to Comment on "Whatever Just Happened, I Guess; Not Sure What That Was About" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:53:04 +0000 2016
Trump, Clutching Seven Rusty Daggers, Lunges at Obama, Falls to Floor as President Vanishes Amid Swarm of Blood-Red Ravens #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:49:48 +0000 2016
"Why Am I Crying?" "Oh God, What Have We Done?" Clinton, Shaking, Braces Self on Podium #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:48:05 +0000 2016
"BEGONE!" Obama Slams Whalebone Staff on Stage Floor; Glowing Figure Disperses Instantly Into Dust & Ash #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:45:06 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Our Brave, Doomed Reporters by Making a Monthly Pledge at https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Sep 27 02:43:13 +0000 2016
"Why Won't You Remember Me?" Glowing Figure Becomes Agitated, Fighting to Maintain Fragile Perch on Reality As Obama Advances #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:42:15 +0000 2016
"You're Not Him," "He Wasn't Real:" Glowing Figure Begins to Lose Definition, Waver as Obama Brandishes Whalebone Staff #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:40:53 +0000 2016
Stage Buckles as Blood-Red Monoliths Smash Through Floor, Begin to Rise Around President Obama #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:38:58 +0000 2016
"Barack, You Know Me," "Don't Do This, We're Supposed To Be A Team:" Glowing Figure Backs Away From Obama, Raising Hands Defensively
Tue Sep 27 02:37:47 +0000 2016
Clinton Stumbles Back as Obama Materializes on Stage Amid Flock of Blood-Red Ravens, Faces Down Shining Figure Attempting to Manifest
Tue Sep 27 02:36:43 +0000 2016
Ceiling Caves in As Thousands of Blood-Red Ravens Swarm Stage, Blotting Out Growing Light, Thunderous "NO" Rings Out #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:34:35 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Clinton Steps Hesitantly Forward, Heard Whispering "Joe" as Blinding Light Shines Across Stage #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:32:53 +0000 2016
"Remember Me," "I Was Your Friend, Hillary," "The Gates Are Open And I Know You Can Hear Me:" Glowing Humanoid Figure Begins Speaking
Tue Sep 27 02:31:19 +0000 2016
Clinton Standing Transfixed on Stage, Mouth Moving Silently, Staring at Figure Coalescing Out of White Light #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:30:04 +0000 2016
"He Isn't Here, He Can't Be Here, This Is Against The Rules:" Trump Retreats Across Stage, Mumbling Frantically Under Breath #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:28:51 +0000 2016
"You Don't Exist," "You Never Existed," "GO AWAY:" Clinton Begins Shouting at Gaffe-Prone Presence Attempting to Manifest on Stage
Tue Sep 27 02:27:53 +0000 2016
Trump on Education: "I Saw A Kid Get Run Over By A Steamroller Once," "It Was Great, I Love Kids" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:25:08 +0000 2016
"The Engines of Malediction Grow Ever Closer," "We Must Throw More Bodies Into The Gears:" Clinton Vows More War in Middle East #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:22:26 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Both Candidates Refuse to Address Shimmering Humanoid Figure Coalescing Behind Them
Tue Sep 27 02:17:46 +0000 2016
Trump on Great News Orb: "We Don't Need That Orb," "Orbs Are Ruining This Country" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:15:43 +0000 2016
Pressed on Great News Orb, Clinton Dodges Question
Tue Sep 27 02:14:52 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Your Funding to Train Reporters to Astrally Project into Presidential Debates https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Tue Sep 27 02:14:09 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Clinton Takes Aim at Religious Right, Declares Support for Decriminalizing Levitation #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:12:49 +0000 2016
Trump: "Those Prophecies Are All Democrat Propaganda," "Smears, They're All Smears, Can You Believe Her?" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:08:16 +0000 2016
Clinton: "My Opponent Is Literally the Yellow Defiler of Prophecy" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:07:30 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Stars in Alien Sky Above Hofstra University "Slowly Going Out" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:06:00 +0000 2016
Clinton Outlines Orb Policy, Causing Severe Brownouts, Unleashing Supercell Thunderstorm on Reno
Tue Sep 27 02:04:19 +0000 2016
"There's Nothing Down There, Hillary," "Nothing, Okay, Just Shut Up, SHUT UP:" Trump Rebuts Clinton's #IronTimes Plan #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:01:52 +0000 2016
Clinton: "We Must Escape the Coming Iron Times," "America Must Dig Deep, and Dig Quickly" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 02:01:04 +0000 2016
"I Found This Really Cool Rock:" NBC Arch-Moderator Lester Holt Interrupts Debate, Asks for "Moment of Quiet Introspection"
Tue Sep 27 01:53:50 +0000 2016
"Yeah, That's Right," "You Destroyed The Sun And You Couldn't Even Do It Right:" Trump Doubles Down on Sun Claims #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:51:53 +0000 2016
"I Never Destroyed the Sun, That is a Bald-Faced Lie," "When Was the Last Time You Looked Out a Window, Donald?" Clinton Angrily Responds
Tue Sep 27 01:50:42 +0000 2016
Trump: Clinton "Destroyed The Sun" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:49:32 +0000 2016
"No, Syria Doesn't Matter," "Syria Can Never Matter Again, I've Seen to That" Clinton Visibly Annoyed by Moderator's Foreign Policy Question
Tue Sep 27 01:44:30 +0000 2016
Trump: "I Will Gut This World Like A Hog," "I Will Tear Down the Sky & Grind Down the Mountains" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:43:00 +0000 2016
"Donald, You Can't Even Build A Bomb Right:" Clinton Mocks Trump For Failed Detonation as Security Confiscates Suitcase Nuke #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:39:50 +0000 2016
Pressed on Use of Nuclear Weapons, Trump Attempts to Detonate Suitcase Nuke on Stage #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:38:53 +0000 2016
Clinton: "I've Been There, Where No Starlight Can Ever Reach," "Donald's Gonna Go There Some Day, And He's Gonna Stay There" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:38:35 +0000 2016
"It Won't Bleed," "Why Won't It Bleed?" Trump Frantically Stabbing Own Podium #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:33:49 +0000 2016
Only @ApprovedNews6 goes behind the scenes to bring us the real #debatenight https://t.co/lmknwv51TX
— @tlloyddavies
Tue Sep 27 01:32:44 +0000 2016
Pressed on Foreign Policy, Clinton Responds Through Interpretive Dance #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:32:30 +0000 2016
Trump: "Let Me Tell You, I'm Gonna Say Something You Can't Unhear, It's Gonna Eat You From The Inside, Gonna Take You Apart" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:31:34 +0000 2016
If you want accurate commentary on #debatenight , look to @ApprovedNews6 to provide that https://t.co/wqHtPw07cV
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Sep 27 01:30:31 +0000 2016
"I Thought He Wanted Everything to Burn:" Clinton Jokes at Trump's Expense as Republican Candidate Extinguishes Own Tongue
Tue Sep 27 01:30:04 +0000 2016
Trump Attempts to Quote Verse From Qur'ān, Flees Screaming From Stage as Tongue Bursts Into Flame #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:29:14 +0000 2016
Clinton Hisses at Moderator, Eyes Briefly Replaced With Inky Black Voids #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:26:48 +0000 2016
Trump: "Blood!", "Blood, Give Me Your Blood, Give Me It All, I Can Think of A Million Better Things To Do With It Than She Can" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:25:19 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Clinton Removes Aged Bronze Mechanism from Pocket, Stares At It Intently For Nearly 7 Minutes
Tue Sep 27 01:23:26 +0000 2016
Clinton: "You Can't Have The Claw, Donald," "It Just Isn't Going to Happen" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:15:40 +0000 2016
"Are You Impressed?", "I Know I'm Not Impressed:" Trump Heaps Scorn on Clinton's "Elitist Ivory-Tower Prophecies"
Tue Sep 27 01:14:28 +0000 2016
"The Blood is in the Water," "The Gates are Open and the Angels Are Stirred to Hunger:" Clinton Briefly Enters Oracular Trance #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:12:12 +0000 2016
Pressed on Forsaken Runes, Trump Repeats "Make America Great Again" Over & Over as Light Fixtures Begin to Flicker
Tue Sep 27 01:11:05 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Jill Stein, Ferocious Polar Bear Removed by Security #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:09:32 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Jill Stein Forces Entry to Debate Atop Ferocious Polar Bear #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:07:56 +0000 2016
Trump: "We're Gonna Set This Country On Fire," "Washington to New York to California to Texas, It's All Gonna Burn" #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:05:18 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Clinton Wearily Counters Trump's Mind-Control by Uttering Single Terrible Word, Shattering All Windows in Nevada
Tue Sep 27 01:04:27 +0000 2016
"Concede, Hillary:" Trump Attempts to Sway Clinton With Makeshift Mind-Control Spell #DebateNight
Tue Sep 27 01:02:37 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Clinton Promises More Knives in Preschools
Tue Sep 27 01:01:54 +0000 2016
#DebateNight: Trump Thrusts Sloppily-Butchered Pig at Cameras, Demands "The Claw"
Tue Sep 27 01:01:05 +0000 2016
Figures in Ashen Robes, Opera Masks Fall Suddenly Silent, Lift Up Floorboards & Crawl Underneath as Clinton, Trump Emerge
Tue Sep 27 00:59:44 +0000 2016
Americans Worldwide Report Hearing Chanting of Debate Workers "From Every Shadowed Place," "From Every Nook & Cranny"
Tue Sep 27 00:50:17 +0000 2016
Chanting of Masked Figures on Debate Stage Reaches Frantic Crescendo
Tue Sep 27 00:47:02 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Figures in Ashen Robes, Opera Mask Slowly Filling Debate Stage, All Chanting in Unison
Tue Sep 27 00:32:17 +0000 2016
Diminutive Figure in Ashen Robes, Opera Mask Enters Debate Stage, Begins Chanting Words No Human Tongue Could Speak
Tue Sep 27 00:31:49 +0000 2016
Gnawing Absently on Badger Skull, Trump Proclaims "Confidence" in Debate Victory
Mon Sep 26 23:47:35 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Clouds Directly Above Hofstra University Part to Reveal Night Sky With Unfamiliar, "Impossibly Bright" Constellations
Mon Sep 26 23:21:23 +0000 2016
Dark Clouds Blot Out Sun Above Debate Venue; Audience Members Report Hail & Lightning
Mon Sep 26 23:15:51 +0000 2016
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Due to High Winds, Risk of Downed Power Lines, &
REDACTED
, Nevadans Should Remain Indoors Until End of Debate
Mon Sep 26 23:14:03 +0000 2016
Nevada Residents Reporting Gale-Force Wind Across State
Mon Sep 26 23:13:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I can just make out the runes on the lead slave's mask: "RNC PR BS" Some kind of bamboozling spell, perhaps?
— @al2o3cr
Mon Sep 26 23:09:43 +0000 2016
As Presidential Nominees Gather in Nevada, Flock of Blood-Red Ravens Masses Shrieking Overhead
Mon Sep 26 23:08:40 +0000 2016
Trump Arrives at Debate in Ornate Sedan Borne Aloft by Chained, Masked Slaves
Mon Sep 26 23:06:55 +0000 2016
Dressed in Pantsuit Covered in Ancient Debating Sigils, in Crown of Blackened Wood, Clinton Arrives at Presidential Debate
Mon Sep 26 23:03:18 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Tall Men in Black Cloaks Vehemently Deny Being Escaped Nazi War Criminals
Mon Sep 26 22:50:12 +0000 2016
Several yards away, Janet Brown, executive sorceror of the Commission on Presidential Debates, inflicts ritual dese… https://t.co/QlVPDfy6be
— @cveidson
Mon Sep 26 22:47:12 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
7 Presidential Debate Audience Members Attempting to Escape Electrified Audience Pen Taken Away by Tall Men in Black Cloaks
Mon Sep 26 22:42:37 +0000 2016
"How Did We Get Here," "Where Are Our Families," "Please, Let Us Go:" Presidential Debate Audience Outlines Their Expectations
Mon Sep 26 22:41:16 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Fairy Queen Not Present at Presidential Debate Placing Fairy Hexes on Small but Useful Objects, "As She Does Not Exist"
Mon Sep 26 22:38:25 +0000 2016
NBC Arch-Moderator Lester Holt Begins Ritual Consecration of Debate Stage
Mon Sep 26 20:07:39 +0000 2016
Softly Chanting Workers in Ashen Robes, Opera Masks Congregate in Nevada to Prepare Presidential Debate
Mon Sep 26 20:04:39 +0000 2016
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword: New Oregon Law "Shall Begin an Unending Era of Conquest" for Pacific Protectorate
Mon Sep 26 19:16:13 +0000 2016
Oregon: New Law To Add Mandatory Armed Insurrection Training Programs From Kindergarten Through High School
Mon Sep 26 19:06:42 +0000 2016
"Just Pick Up A Stick & Give It A Good, Hard Whack:" Experts Recommend "A Solid Thumping" as "Solution" to "Problems"
Mon Sep 26 17:05:57 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Glassy-Eyed, Slack-Jawed Citizens March on DC, Chanting in Monotone Unison to Protest New Mind Control Restrictions
Mon Sep 26 05:48:23 +0000 2016
RELATED: DARPA "Remains Committed" to Weaponizing the Moon
Mon Sep 26 05:46:37 +0000 2016
"We Got A Lot Done Today:" DARPA Weaponizes Literary Critique, Modern Architecture, the Eiffel Tower, & Toothpaste
Mon Sep 26 05:43:57 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man Accidentally
REDACTED
, Thousands of Casualties
Mon Sep 26 05:35:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Charleston hospitals reporting no deaths, but serious legislacerations on all involved.
— @70_million
Mon Sep 26 05:30:36 +0000 2016
White House Releases List of Citizens Required to Undergo "The Procedure"
Mon Sep 26 04:58:38 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Dozens of South Carolina Lawmakers Mauled by Wild Legislation After Controversial Ban
Mon Sep 26 03:53:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 b-but! that's so un-nonconstitutional, having a Non-Constitution, that it's practically.....UN-NONSTITUTIONAL!
— @70_million
Mon Sep 26 03:42:57 +0000 2016
South Carolina Outlaws Legislation
Mon Sep 26 03:38:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the Forbidden Lands were an *issue* for military. Nobody could answer who had forbidden them or if the orders outranked them
— @skrattybones
Sat Sep 24 23:13:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I was living at the time, it was something to see in color.
— @BillRaptor
Sat Sep 24 23:10:24 +0000 2016
Nigel Farage Surfaces Near Miami, Drags Cruise Ship Beneath the Waves
Sat Sep 24 15:36:24 +0000 2016
October Chosen as Wight History Month
Sat Sep 24 15:33:25 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN 1989: Nikita Khrushchev Rises Again as Deathless Spectre, Throws Down Berlin Wall With Single Scornful Word, Publishes Memoir
Sat Sep 24 06:21:43 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN 1974: Nikita Khrushchev Killed in Wizard's Duel
Sat Sep 24 03:13:31 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1988: Soviet Union Invades Sun
Sat Sep 24 03:02:40 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1968: Nameless Army of the Trackless Wastes Wiped Out by Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler
Sat Sep 24 03:00:31 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 196n: Great Epistemological Catastrophe Presumably Ensues
Sat Sep 24 02:55:23 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1958: War Between Forbidden Lands, Nameless Army of the Trackless Wastes Sparked by Invention of Time Travel
Sat Sep 24 02:54:16 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1943: Armistice of the Shattered Sea Ratified by Forbidden Lands, Nameless Army of the Trackless Wastes
Sat Sep 24 02:50:38 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Read Full Articles, Entire Twitter Archive at https://t.co/zsG2uAETGT
Sat Sep 24 02:47:38 +0000 2016
"The National Strategic Shitpost Reserve Has Been Strained For Too Long:" Obama Signs Bill to Outlaw Shitposting
Sat Sep 24 00:21:37 +0000 2016
Artificial Sweeteners Are Turning Children Into Witches
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Sep 23 23:19:41 +0000 2016
Senate Votes to Outlaw Shitposting
Fri Sep 23 21:09:25 +0000 2016
"Thus Always to Scoundrels:" All Appropriate Individuals Describe Reporter's Fate as "Richly Deserved"
Fri Sep 23 19:38:32 +0000 2016
CNN Reporter Succumbs to Blood-Madness in Fruitless Attempt to Prise Loose Secrets of the Great News Orb
Fri Sep 23 19:38:06 +0000 2016
CNN Reporter Succumbs to Blood-Madness in Fruitless Attempt to Prise Loose Secrets of the Great News Orb
Fri Sep 23 19:38:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 APPROVED NEWS EXCLUSIVE: https://t.co/s6EQjX41IH
— @khymchanur
Fri Sep 23 19:33:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Correction: Classes are back in session, and simultaneously not back in session.
— @desertfox899
Fri Sep 23 16:37:32 +0000 2016
MIT Suspends Classes Due to Infestation of "Quantum Roaches"
Fri Sep 23 16:35:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 some say she's the true mother of Mike Huckabee. But he wasn't born, he was congealed.
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Fri Sep 23 16:20:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 she lives in a cave in northern Arkansas - lot of caves up there, so she's hard to find.
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Fri Sep 23 15:58:14 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/rmeYxIxa0b
Fri Sep 23 15:54:38 +0000 2016
Metadox Church of the Seven Secret Spheres Endorses Nameless Bone Party Candidate for President
Fri Sep 23 02:07:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 morale booster in these especially dark times https://t.co/3kbtLurL5o
— @NorWesternCrow
Thu Sep 22 21:44:28 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Thousands Massacred in Brutal Purge of Catering Industry
Thu Sep 22 18:43:22 +0000 2016
"Best to Do It & Be Done," Experts Conclude: "No Use in Dwelling on Unpleasantness"
Thu Sep 22 06:28:46 +0000 2016
"Not Much Point in Putting It Off, Is There?" Pressed for Comment, Spokesman Adopts Expression of Weary Resignation
Thu Sep 22 06:27:41 +0000 2016
"There's Just No Helping It," Say Sources: "Got To Get This Whole Sordid Rubbish Over With, I Suppose"
Thu Sep 22 05:59:29 +0000 2016
Scientists Port Linux to Human Nervous System
Thu Sep 22 05:07:33 +0000 2016
And now to our political corespondent desk with an update on the election https://t.co/xRvutsMNBj
— @Freedom4Quebec
Thu Sep 22 04:29:16 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Did Not Exist
Thu Sep 22 04:00:46 +0000 2016
San Francisco's "Fae Area" Becoming Urbanized in Wake of Withdrawal of Fairy Lands from Earth
Thu Sep 22 04:00:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 evidence of clones? https://t.co/Ejg248Q2jP
— @munin
Thu Sep 22 02:30:41 +0000 2016
Florida Man Convicted of 7 Counts of Supercrime, 4 Counts of Megacrime, 2 Counts of Hypercrime, & 1 Count of Ultracrime
Thu Sep 22 00:56:55 +0000 2016
@velartrill AUTHORITIES: BUSES ARE ‘IN OCCLUSION’, WILL RETURN ‘AT TIME OF GREATEST NEED’
— @substitute
Wed Sep 21 23:18:17 +0000 2016
"Right, That's Quite Enough, You Lot:" Pressed for Comment, Experts Puff Indignantly on Pipes
Wed Sep 21 21:06:28 +0000 2016
Experts: "Steady On, Now, This Has All Really Gone Quite A Bit Too Far"
Wed Sep 21 20:43:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Did they try turning Sicily off and turning it back on again?
— @CuriousSeaLion
Wed Sep 21 16:43:35 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
All Contact Lost With Sicily After Archaeologists Attempt to Run Ancient Roman Software
Wed Sep 21 16:39:22 +0000 2016
Archaeologists Discover Ancient Roman Scroll Written in JavaScript
Wed Sep 21 16:34:41 +0000 2016
CIA Investigating Omnipresence as More Cost-Effective Alternative to Mass Surveillance
Wed Sep 21 07:20:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Police Seek to Question Satire in Connection to Ironic Death
— @khymchanur
Wed Sep 21 05:44:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Following Ironic Death of Chicago Citizen, Arrest Warrant Issued For Irony
— @khymchanur
Wed Sep 21 05:44:43 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council to Meet With Heresiarch Salamandra of Hidden Valley to Discuss Continuance of Treaties
Wed Sep 21 05:29:45 +0000 2016
Blasphemous Throne of the Hidden Valley Passes to Heresiarch-Elect Salamandra Theomisia
Wed Sep 21 05:17:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Public Service Announcement https://t.co/YtX0iJnFkr
— @rabcyr
Wed Sep 21 05:11:48 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley Killed in Tragic Assassination Accident
Wed Sep 21 05:05:23 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
I Have No Soul And I Must
REDACTED
Wed Sep 21 04:57:35 +0000 2016
OPINION:
I Have No Brain And I Must Tweet
Wed Sep 21 04:54:15 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
We Know Where You Live
Wed Sep 21 04:14:38 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Set Yourself On Fire Today! It's The Only Way
Wed Sep 21 04:14:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: https://t.co/TqjZaqcaSC
— @khymchanur
Wed Sep 21 04:13:27 +0000 2016
Sources: "Nodding Off" to be Punished by "Thorough Whipping," "Forcible Stimulant Injections"
Wed Sep 21 03:07:38 +0000 2016
Maine Forced Labor Zone Bans Sleep After Falling Behind Productivity Target
Wed Sep 21 03:06:26 +0000 2016
RELATED: Concerned Parents Issue Press Release Supporting "Parents' Rights" to Dismember, Eat Own Children as "Disciplinary Measure"
Tue Sep 20 22:36:23 +0000 2016
Impossibly Tall Man With Glowing White Eyes Witnessed Dismembering Teenager Dismissed as Marketing Stunt
Tue Sep 20 22:33:53 +0000 2016
Obama Announces Formation of Federal Sex Committee
Tue Sep 20 22:28:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Vo8mjEEalG
— @poemsaredumb
Tue Sep 20 05:38:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 reconstruction of fallen Indiana government hindered by competing local ordinances governing the value of pi
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Sep 20 02:21:41 +0000 2016
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8/7c: Five Affordable Household Products You Can Use to Poison Your Rivals, Only on Approved News 6
Tue Sep 20 01:26:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED: https://t.co/RtJvZlYmMk
— @khymchanur
Tue Sep 20 00:28:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/SA7VFYfkjj
— @khymchanur
Mon Sep 19 21:22:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/SliTfkKPTe
— @rabcyr
Mon Sep 19 17:56:24 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Press Conference, Hoarsely Chants Verse from Codex Salamandrium at Candle-Lit Podium
Mon Sep 19 06:06:46 +0000 2016
Alabama Court Rules Designer's Brutal Assault on Man for Poor Typesetting "Unjustified"
Mon Sep 19 05:49:39 +0000 2016
"Yeah, I'm the Real Deal:" Clinton Admits to "Impersonating an Impostor"
Mon Sep 19 05:29:52 +0000 2016
"She's No Impostor:" Furious Conspiracy Theorists Claim Clinton "The Real McCoy"
Mon Sep 19 04:37:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Don't you think that's a little harsh? Scolding is bad enough. Or maybe I'm thinking of scalding. Same difference.
— @AxelBordelon
Mon Sep 19 01:11:29 +0000 2016
Florida to Reintroduce "Severe Scolding" as Punishment for Genocide
Mon Sep 19 00:26:05 +0000 2016
Baby Found Dead at 71
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Sep 18 23:10:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 it’s nearly impossible to imagine anyone noticed it was missing
— @3fingeredfox
Sun Sep 18 22:50:13 +0000 2016
Indiana Residents Burning Alive on Sacrificial Pyres Reportedly "Relieved" to Have "Order Restored" to State
Sun Sep 18 21:52:27 +0000 2016
Limping, Pouting, Indiana Governor Bloodrot Stabgut III Reassumes Throne of Eternal Darkness, Orders Thousands Sacrificed to Skull Gods
Sun Sep 18 21:49:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 an additional $50 fine was levied for referring to Indiana's denizens by a term other than "Hoosiers"
— @atonal440
Sun Sep 18 21:48:46 +0000 2016
"Now Don't Do It Again:" Court Convicts Stein of Vandalism for Overthrowing Indiana State Government, Levies $25 Fine
Sun Sep 18 21:45:30 +0000 2016
"Enough is Enough:" Pundits Call for Indiana Government to be Re-Established; "Maybe Bolt it to the Ground This Time or Something"
Sun Sep 18 21:43:32 +0000 2016
"It Was Real Easy," "I Just Sort of Gave It a Good Hard Shove:" Jill Stein Interviewed by Democracy Now After Overthrowing Indiana
Sun Sep 18 21:41:36 +0000 2016
Indiana's Governor-in-Exile Bloodrot Stabgut III: Indiana a "Real State" With a "Real Government;" "You're All a Bunch of Meanies"
Sun Sep 18 21:39:06 +0000 2016
"It's Unfair to Indianans That Their Government Gets Overthrown Every Time Some Activist Has Point to Make:" Obama Laments Stein's Coup
Sun Sep 18 21:35:30 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Green Party's Jill Stein Arrested After Toppling Government of Indiana
Sun Sep 18 21:34:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Public exhibits to include "That time in first grade you shat yourself in class" and "your junior prom date: a retrospective"
— @skrattybones
Sun Sep 18 05:41:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Your Mother Reported to be Leading the Short List of Candidates for Lead Curator.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Sun Sep 18 05:28:32 +0000 2016
Apple Releases Heat Death of the Universe Under Open-Source License
Sat Sep 17 23:42:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if the guys that made the museum decide it's a terrible mistake, will they have to include the museum inside itself?
— @baconshire
Sat Sep 17 22:30:03 +0000 2016
New Museum Seeks to "Preserve Your Worst Mistakes" for "All of Time"
Sat Sep 17 21:24:32 +0000 2016
President of Americans For Traditional Torments Marissa Ekundayo Steps Down to Run for Senate; Appoints Stacy Millicent as Successor
Sat Sep 17 20:18:18 +0000 2016
Green Party's Jill Stein Criticizes Clinton as "Insufficiently Whimsical," Stares Dreamily into the Clouds
Sat Sep 17 19:10:12 +0000 2016
FULL ARTICLE | Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Holds Press Conference https://t.co/ctYvPDjyZS
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 17 17:32:57 +0000 2016
Clinton Warns Trump Campaign "Attracting the Attention" of Those Whose Attention Is Better Left Unattracted
Sat Sep 17 07:00:48 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Business Correspondent Merithew Mandrake Wins Third J. Clenchmold Wrathmore Award for Excellence in Wealth
Sat Sep 17 06:57:32 +0000 2016
FULL ARTICLE
| Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Holds Press Conference https://t.co/ctYvPDjyZS
Sat Sep 17 06:36:12 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Denies Presence of Fairy Queen at Meetings: "She Does Not Exist"
Sat Sep 17 04:50:25 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Many Bone Sorceresses Supreme Gathering to Meet With Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods
Sat Sep 17 04:49:04 +0000 2016
"Fools! FOOLS!" Pressed for Comment, Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Curses in Voice of Thunder, Vanishes Into Smoke
Sat Sep 17 04:48:33 +0000 2016
Forensic Sorcerers: Evidence Suggests Trump Resurrection Ritual "Shattered the Most Ancient Seal"
Sat Sep 17 04:45:33 +0000 2016
Bone Oracles Confirm: "The Heavens Lie Empty," Uncountable Trillions of Souls "Not Where They Should Be"
Sat Sep 17 04:44:12 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Necromancy Correspondent Paula West Stumbles Into Office, Warns "The Gates Have Been Thrown Wide," Falls Into Coma
Sat Sep 17 04:42:33 +0000 2016
"Yes, We Totally Have Covert Agents Embedded At The Highest Level:" Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Spokes
REDACTED
Snickers Uncontrollably
Sat Sep 17 04:39:10 +0000 2016
Exalted Council of Seven Announces Purge After Rumors of Illuminati Infiltration
Sat Sep 17 04:37:55 +0000 2016
Nebraska Terrorswarm Endorses Trump
Sat Sep 17 04:35:24 +0000 2016
Men in Black Suits, Dark Sunglasses Interrupt CNN Broadcast to Announce "The Containment Facility" Has Been "Breached"
Sat Sep 17 04:33:59 +0000 2016
"Are You Too Good to Feast on the Innocent, Mr. President?" Trump Slams Obama For Lowest Death Toll of Any President in American History
Sat Sep 17 04:29:06 +0000 2016
@NorWesternCrow @ApprovedNews6 666Password
— @rabcyr
Sat Sep 17 03:40:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 are there any demonically possessed password managers on the market capable of automatically cursing my passwords?
— @NorWesternCrow
Sat Sep 17 03:40:30 +0000 2016
New iPhone Ad Consisting Solely of Apple Logo Superimposed on Grainy Footage of Naked Man Being Beaten to Death Praised as "Visionary"
Sat Sep 17 03:39:32 +0000 2016
Company Culture of Cursed or Infohazardous Passwords Can "Greatly Deter" Phishing Attacks: Study
Sat Sep 17 03:33:01 +0000 2016
At the Toronto International Film Airstrike, the coming film season looks strong
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Sep 17 03:31:51 +0000 2016
Cybersecurity Experts Recommend Use of Cursed Passwords
Sat Sep 17 03:30:21 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Our Struggle to Reclaim the Great News Orb by Helping Us Reach $1000 in Monthly Donations https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sat Sep 17 02:44:40 +0000 2016
"While the Majority of Bears in Our Employ Are Law-Abiding, By-the-Book Professionals, Concerns Have Been Raised:" FBI Issues Statement
Sat Sep 17 02:42:46 +0000 2016
FBI to "Review" Use of Grizzly Bears in Interrogation
Sat Sep 17 02:41:42 +0000 2016
Throng of Wrathful Arch-Wights Descends on IRS Headquarters After Being Selected for Audit
Sat Sep 17 02:39:24 +0000 2016
RELATED: Hundreds Dead After "Virulent" Outbreak of Political Correctness in Arkansas
Sat Sep 17 02:27:43 +0000 2016
"Our State Has Never Seen This Sort of Carnage Before:" Tennessee Community Destroyed by Poor Table Manners
Sat Sep 17 02:26:03 +0000 2016
Three Common Punctuation Marks Found to Cause Acute Liver Toxicity
Sat Sep 17 02:13:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 They're also challenging the precedent that you can't patent math.
— @grim_roc
Sat Sep 17 02:11:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There's plenty of human misery and terror to go around! Sounds like someone's been paid off by the horror supplement industry
— @listelian
Sat Sep 17 02:11:26 +0000 2016
"Nothing But a Bunch of Patent Trolls:" CERN Physicists Decry International Consortium of Creator Deities for "Abusing" IP Law
— @ApprovedNews6
Sat Sep 17 02:09:23 +0000 2016
"Nothing But a Bunch of Patent Trolls:" CERN Physicists Decry International Consortium of Creator Deities for "Abusing" IP Law
Sat Sep 17 02:09:17 +0000 2016
International Consortium of Creator Deities Claims Patent on Higgs Boson
Sat Sep 17 02:07:50 +0000 2016
USDA Recommends Dietary Supplements for Species Subsisting Primarily on Human Misery, Terror
Sat Sep 17 01:48:05 +0000 2016
Trump Announces Support for Bill to Legalize Civilian Ownership of Petawatt Laser Turrets, Relativistic Kill Vehicles
Sat Sep 17 01:13:38 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Many Teens Experimenting With "Cyberdrugs," "Memetic Highs"
Sat Sep 17 01:01:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Finally, the proof I need to declare dogecoin the original form of bitcoin! :D
— @Swahili_Jones
Sat Sep 17 00:18:18 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Large, Friendly Beagle
Sat Sep 17 00:13:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Florida Man Expresses Relief: "It'll be over in an afternoon and I can move on with my life."
— @loudpenitent
Fri Sep 16 19:39:50 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
$50 Fine Reduced to Death by Evisceration on Appeal https://t.co/shQ8tlVrJ8
Fri Sep 16 19:38:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 fuck peace tbf, have you looked at the economic impact?
— @Wxcafe
Fri Sep 16 08:42:39 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Department of Defense Responds, Declares War on Peace
Fri Sep 16 08:42:03 +0000 2016
Federal Department of Peace Declares War on War
Fri Sep 16 08:40:05 +0000 2016
FDA Approves Chlorine Trifluoride for Use as "Moral Corrective"
Fri Sep 16 06:11:01 +0000 2016
"Will You Quit Struggling Already," Spokesman Adds: "There's No Getting Out Of It This Time, And You're Just Embarrassing Yourself"
Fri Sep 16 06:06:27 +0000 2016
"Stop Crying Like That," Say Sources: "You're Only Making It Harder On Yourself"
Fri Sep 16 06:03:29 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"This Is For Your Own Good," Experts Report; "You'll Thank Us Later"
Fri Sep 16 06:01:29 +0000 2016
Experts: "This Is Really Gonna Hurt"
Fri Sep 16 01:41:29 +0000 2016
"She'll Tear Your Heart Out, Then Turn Around & Try To Sell It To You:" Inside Source Claims Clinton "Moonlights" as "Dashing Bandit Queen"
Fri Sep 16 01:29:19 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Florida Man Found Guilty of "Acts Contrary to the Laws of Men, Beasts, Nature, & The Very Whole of Physics" Vows to Appeal $50 Fine
Fri Sep 16 00:59:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this is the kind of lacking patriotism we've come to expect from Obama's administration
— @Chirurgic
Thu Sep 15 22:31:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Oh, come on. Who hasn't tried recreational levitation now and then?
— @munin
Thu Sep 15 22:30:50 +0000 2016
Florida Man Found Guilty of "Acts Contrary to the Laws of Men, Beasts, Nature, & The Very Whole of Physics"
Thu Sep 15 22:26:35 +0000 2016
"Maybe Americans Shouldn't Actually Kill Literally Everything:" Secretary of Homeland Security Walks Back Original Claims
Thu Sep 15 21:54:27 +0000 2016
DHS To Reconsider "If You See Something, Slay Something" Campaign After Texas Town Decimated in Crazed Slaughter
Thu Sep 15 21:53:18 +0000 2016
Florida Man Invents "Cybermeth"
Thu Sep 15 17:12:03 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
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Thu Sep 15 16:57:48 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
THREE SEVEN NINE, FOUR EIGHT FOUR. THREE SEVEN NINE, FOUR EIGHT FOUR.
Thu Sep 15 16:56:15 +0000 2016
New Study: Tooth Decay Primarily Caused by Spiritual Weakness, Moral Decrepitude
Thu Sep 15 06:36:22 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man's Attempt to Establish Fourth Reich Backfires Horribly
Wed Sep 14 11:36:22 +0000 2016
Spider Council Passes Secret Resolution; Pressed for Comment, Members Snicker Uncontrollably
Tue Sep 13 21:07:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Is there anything he can't do? I mean, besides stay out of jail for a week straight.
— @munin
Tue Sep 13 18:51:51 +0000 2016
Florida Man Found to Cause Cancer in Lab Rats
Tue Sep 13 18:48:56 +0000 2016
Competitive Strangling Becomes Olympic Sport
Tue Sep 13 04:20:47 +0000 2016
@rabcyr @ApprovedNews6 personally, I'm a fan of the Universal Sexual Bus standard, now they've fixed the issues with reversibility
— @Chirurgic
Tue Sep 13 03:52:21 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 you mean greatly reducing the risk of unsafe docking
— @rabcyr
Tue Sep 13 03:50:59 +0000 2016
@rabcyr @ApprovedNews6 and Apple genders use their own proprietary docking ports, preventing intercompatibility
— @Chirurgic
Tue Sep 13 03:50:57 +0000 2016
Experts: "Oh God No," "Please, Anything But That"
Tue Sep 13 03:18:35 +0000 2016
Much safer than the Samsung genders, known for spontaneously combusting, at times violently https://t.co/x7LYSPADvK
— @rabcyr
Tue Sep 13 03:17:18 +0000 2016
"A Ticking Time Bomb:" Police Clash With Time Travelers Trapped in 2016 by Trump Resurrection Ritual
Tue Sep 13 03:16:15 +0000 2016
Study: 30% of Americans Now Using Proprietary Microsoft Genders
Tue Sep 13 01:40:41 +0000 2016
Gender reveal party kills 483 and counting, thousands maimed, hundreds more missing and feared dead. cc @ApprovedNews6
— @rabcyr
Tue Sep 13 01:13:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 News currents out over deeper waters have suggested this for a week. That's why they issue News Tracker Charts every year...
— @toddderscheid
Mon Sep 12 23:59:05 +0000 2016
Great News Cube Blamed After "Unseasonably Newsworthy" Day in Minnesota
Mon Sep 12 23:23:30 +0000 2016
In Wake of Health Scare, Campaign Refuses to Comment on Rumors Clinton Victim of Fairy Curse
Mon Sep 12 11:24:24 +0000 2016
Dreadlord-in-Exile Theodore Blitzenreich: Opposition to Brain Control Implants "A Show of Sickening Disrespect" Towards Vermont Culture
Mon Sep 12 11:21:29 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Enraged Vermont Dreadlord Seraphina Sturmholz Vows to "Annihilate" Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Mon Sep 12 11:17:36 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn Holds Joint Press Conference With Mindslave #491823 to Condemn Vermont's "Widespread Use" of Brain Control Implants
Mon Sep 12 11:12:42 +0000 2016
Writing for the Majority, Justice Martha E. Wallace Asserts "Copyright Resurrection" Could Have "Chilling Effect" on Public Domain
Mon Sep 12 11:07:34 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Rules Resurrection, Reanimation of Intellectual Property Owners "Does Not Renew" Copyright Terms
Mon Sep 12 11:03:02 +0000 2016
Computers Officially Deprecated
Mon Sep 12 10:30:38 +0000 2016
The Detroit Noise Polling Ahead of All Other Candidates
Mon Sep 12 02:09:28 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Help Us Reclaim the Great News Orb from the Filthy Thieves at CNN by Reaching $1000/Month in Donations https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Mon Sep 12 02:03:25 +0000 2016
"Your Supporters Are Weak:" Brandishing Stolen News Orb, CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Mocks AN6 for Failure to Reach Funding Goals
Mon Sep 12 02:01:57 +0000 2016
American Dystopia Initiative Announces Grant to Fund Development of "Cyberfascism"
Mon Sep 12 01:49:27 +0000 2016
"Sex Is Impossible:" Study Reveals "Shocking" Truth
Mon Sep 12 01:47:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 oh man, the city planner’s office is going to be all over the for that
— @substitute
Mon Sep 12 01:45:40 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Church of the Defiler Worm Invokes the Devil Machine
Mon Sep 12 01:44:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SCIENCE CORNER: Can Peruvian laser-oak kill you? Kid, it'll do so much worse!
— @70_million
Mon Sep 12 00:07:44 +0000 2016
Bill Before Senate Would Criminalize "Offbrand Behavior"
Sun Sep 11 23:42:32 +0000 2016
Arch-Director Simone Andrews XI of the American Dystopia Initiative Announces New Charity to Buy Jackboots for Children Living in Poverty
Sun Sep 11 23:40:22 +0000 2016
Clinton Campaign Denies Accusations of Coordinating with Inchoate Masters of the Seven-Edged Truth
Sun Sep 11 23:38:14 +0000 2016
Inchoate Masters of the Seven-Edged Truth Embroiled in Fundraiser Scandal
Sun Sep 11 23:37:23 +0000 2016
FDA Fines "Tricky Witch" Accused of Peddling "Ineffective, Dangerous" Cure for Mystic Fibrosis
Sun Sep 11 23:36:00 +0000 2016
"This Time, We'll All Be Home by Christmas:" General Kristen Alexander Reassures Critics Plan to Capture Moral High Ground "Foolproof"
Sun Sep 11 23:34:09 +0000 2016
US Military Begins "Renewed Offensive" Against the Moral High Ground
Sun Sep 11 23:32:55 +0000 2016
Bernie Sanders Donates Sevenfold Scepter of the Well of All Regret to Charity
Sun Sep 11 23:32:10 +0000 2016
New Study Blames Invasive "Peruvian Laser-Oak" For Majority of Forest Fires in Southern US
Sun Sep 11 23:30:52 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Fire Hydrants Across Maryland Found Engraved With Phrase "How Many Have You Killed?"
Sun Sep 11 23:29:58 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 well… it got relatively close to its target
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Sep 11 23:28:49 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
One in Three Teens Will Experiment With Witchcraft! Talk to Your Children About Underage Sorcery, Before the Voices Do
Sun Sep 11 23:28:34 +0000 2016
Sen. Thanaton Luciphage (💀-CA) Sponsors Bill to "Bore A Great Hole Into This Festering Earth," "Loose What Has Too Long Lain Dormant"
Sun Sep 11 23:25:54 +0000 2016
"A Great Adversary to Philanthropy Has Been Eradicated:" Charles J. Bloodhorn Confirms Reports Relativistic Kill Vehicle Has Struck Target
Sun Sep 11 23:24:06 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities' Relativistic Kill Vehicle "Has Struck Its Target," Say Inside Sources
Sun Sep 11 23:22:58 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
The All-Seeing Council of Newslords Requires Your Financial Support https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Sep 11 23:21:45 +0000 2016
Sources: There Has Been An Incident
Sun Sep 11 23:07:36 +0000 2016
Witnesses: Transit Arrival Clocks Nationwide Showing Only the Word "WRONG"
Sun Sep 11 21:54:39 +0000 2016
NASA Develops Open Source Black Hole
Sun Sep 11 19:56:10 +0000 2016
"The Iron Times Approach:" Victim of First Recorded Blood Fugue Since the Before Times Awakens, Issues Ominous Pronouncement
Sun Sep 11 05:17:15 +0000 2016
Engineers at Google Create Nuclear Staple Gun
— @sciencesuggests
Sun Sep 11 05:04:14 +0000 2016
DARPA Demonstrates New Firearm Designed to Attract Female Recruits, Pulverize Internal Organs at 300 Meters https://t.co/UOmPKTwlpL
Sun Sep 11 04:24:07 +0000 2016
"Maybe If We Paint The Receivers Pink or Something:" Pressed for Comment, General Gestures Helplessly at Disassembled Rifle
Sun Sep 11 00:36:01 +0000 2016
Army Leadership Reportedly "Concerned" Standard-Issue Firearms "Insufficiently Cute" to Attract Female Recruits
Sun Sep 11 00:28:13 +0000 2016
Trump Praises Veterans as "Lucrative"
Sun Sep 11 00:23:44 +0000 2016
Dozens of birds fall from sky in Boston, die of unknown cause https://t.co/OLxxSSpqT3
— @guardian
Sat Sep 10 19:04:59 +0000 2016
Heritage Foundation Calls for Deregulation of Pyromania, Pyrokinesis
Sat Sep 10 02:29:34 +0000 2016
Congress Outlaws Seven New Fruits
Sat Sep 10 00:08:37 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on News Shortage, Newslord 7 Beats Reporter With Stick
Fri Sep 09 19:11:45 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Witnesses: The Portal to the Fae Realms is Burning https://t.co/Bgh41oGruy
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Sep 09 17:13:05 +0000 2016
Google: Top Search Since March "how to kill the dancing man"
Fri Sep 09 09:53:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 FBI: Clinton's Email Server "Was Inside of Us All Along"
— @khymchanur
Fri Sep 09 07:12:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Another control group escaped the shackles of mortality and are dwelling among us, icy eyed and pitiless" warned researchers
— @PithyOrNot
Thu Sep 08 19:35:08 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Questionable Methodology" of Study Blamed in Thousands of Horrific Deaths
Thu Sep 08 19:29:27 +0000 2016
New Study: 90% of New Studies "Go Horribly Wrong"
Thu Sep 08 18:55:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Turns out that from "frozen" to "nuclear fusion" might be too wide a range of operating parameters for a household appliance.
— @_Staven
Thu Sep 08 18:54:28 +0000 2016
International Toaster Standardization Conspiracy Ends in Calamity
Thu Sep 08 17:07:31 +0000 2016
RELATED: Microsoft Announces Windows 10 "Successfully Ported" to Human Amygdala
Thu Sep 08 00:46:57 +0000 2016
"UNIX Was From Space:" Berkeley Investigators Reach Shocking Conclusion
Thu Sep 08 00:45:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/h5sL7LWgeS
— @8Fourteen
Wed Sep 07 19:41:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: https://t.co/u9ktgLSra1
— @khymchanur
Wed Sep 07 17:30:20 +0000 2016
North American Conference on Backstabbing, Treachery, & Deceit Canceled After Unforeseen Betrayal
Wed Sep 07 02:31:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 not shown are deaths due to ███, failure to ███ tribute █ Lord 6 Patreon (█ ███ news hounds), ██ orb. https://t.co/WwTlK3AelC
— @NorWesternCrow
Tue Sep 06 18:51:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/KGlnF8BMPK
— @Munq
Tue Sep 06 18:34:12 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Hydras For Equality In Haberdashery file injunction against Trump's slogan due to mono-headed discrimination
— @Pope_Norm
Tue Sep 06 17:25:58 +0000 2016
"Cut Them with Many Knives:" Forsaken Party Candidate Outlines Foreign Policy Positions
Tue Sep 06 05:41:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "One week my two 12-year-old sons were here, the next, horrible teenage strangers. I had to hit them with a shovel. Had to."
— @PithyOrNot
Tue Sep 06 05:32:34 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Keep Approved News 6 Online, Protect Yourself from News Hounds With a Small Monthly Donation https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Sep 06 05:32:07 +0000 2016
"Bring Me That Man's Head:" Trump Unveils New Campaign Slogan
Tue Sep 06 05:30:16 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Councilor Places Single Withered Rose in Reporter's Hair, Drifts Away in the Wind
Tue Sep 06 05:28:24 +0000 2016
Rhymthmically Beating Ancient Gong As Rain Falls All Around, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Announces New Measures to Support Young Artists
Tue Sep 06 05:27:09 +0000 2016
Experts: The Sun Hates You
Tue Sep 06 05:24:29 +0000 2016
Obama to Meet with Mutant Rights Activists
Tue Sep 06 05:21:49 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Buys Wisconsin
Tue Sep 06 05:21:16 +0000 2016
"I'm Sick of Talking About the Libyan Shadow Crisis;" "They All Got Their Shadows Back, Okay?" Clinton Lays Into Heckler at Campaign Event
Tue Sep 06 05:19:35 +0000 2016
@GeorgeWHerbert @ApprovedNews6 Yes, but after they'd finished - thus gaining their count as well.
— @munin
Tue Sep 06 05:16:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Did she eat the other contestants again this year?
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Sep 06 05:15:04 +0000 2016
Are Hackers Using Trees to Spy on You? Find Out Tomorrow Night at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Tue Sep 06 05:14:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Tch. As if they are blameless for this problem.
— @munin
Tue Sep 06 05:12:06 +0000 2016
Concered Parents Warn Teens May Exist
Tue Sep 06 05:11:15 +0000 2016
Great Wyrm of the South Wins Gold Medal in Hamburger Eating Contest for Third Year Running
Tue Sep 06 05:10:03 +0000 2016
She Who Throttles the Dawn Endorses Hillary
Tue Sep 06 05:06:06 +0000 2016
Researchers Find New Species of Frog on the Sun
— @sciencesuggests
Tue Sep 06 00:53:14 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 LOCAL SOURCES: It Has Finally Begun https://t.co/2aswR8DS5g
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Sep 05 21:46:07 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Trump University starts new semester https://t.co/wobKlfAN4y
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Sep 05 21:45:59 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Breaking: Trump family warlock coven turns investigative reporters into "modestly sized rodents" https://t.co/93JswiwrZJ
— @cveidson
Mon Sep 05 16:31:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Oxidizing" hip new trend among teens, reports say. Tune in tonight for signs your child might be involved.
— @FioraAeterna
Mon Sep 05 15:45:32 +0000 2016
cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/H3fcQUIA6Z
— @Swahili_Jones
Mon Sep 05 15:45:05 +0000 2016
someone call @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ag0RJ0C9gy
— @uncreativecat
Mon Sep 05 15:36:58 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Thank Cthulhu! My emotional portfolio is so full of invested misery right now! That tax would've been brutal!
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Sep 05 15:34:18 +0000 2016
Study: 13% of Americans Currently On Fire, Up From 9% in 2015
Mon Sep 05 07:18:53 +0000 2016
This Man Has Penis Bitten by a SWAT Team While Live Streaming His Online Gaming Session
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Sep 05 01:12:07 +0000 2016
Link Discovered Between Shoes and Smallpox
— @sciencesuggests
Mon Sep 05 00:46:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Bah, I smell Russia Today in this "scoop" #sheeple
— @formercrsc
Sun Sep 04 23:35:58 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
New Evidence Shows Intel Architect Found Hanging from Thousands of Trees "Likely Did Not" Die of Marijuana Overdose
Sun Sep 04 23:32:33 +0000 2016
Trump Accuses Clinton of "Pandering" to Hooligan Classes
Sun Sep 04 23:30:34 +0000 2016
"Desperate Measures:" More & More Small Towns Turning off Gravity During Off Hours in "Last-Ditch" Attempt to Save Money
Sun Sep 04 23:30:01 +0000 2016
Police: Remaining I.C.B.M. Members to be Prosecuted as Bone Heretics
Sun Sep 04 23:27:40 +0000 2016
Remnants of "International Coalition for the Betterment of Mankind" Arrested in Beirut Attempting to Detonate Dirty Bomb
Sun Sep 04 23:27:06 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, House Progressive Caucus Recites Poem in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders as Electricity Begins to Fail Across DC
Sun Sep 04 21:59:16 +0000 2016
Congressional Democrats Cave on Misery Tax
Sun Sep 04 21:56:26 +0000 2016
Sources: "Forgiveness" https://t.co/vYn4yzz1Jq
Sun Sep 04 21:54:02 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Silent Children in Black Robes, Wielding Intricate Knives of Depleted Uranium, Fill DC Streets
Sun Sep 04 21:52:18 +0000 2016
"There Is Hunger Here," "There Is a Scrabbling of Claws, and a Fell Wind in the Trees:" Clinton Drops in Polls After "Controversial" Remarks
Sun Sep 04 21:46:29 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Lose Weight Fast With This One Weird Trick Discovered by a
REDACTED
! You Will Never Love Again
Sun Sep 04 21:44:57 +0000 2016
Dr. Andrea Palmer: "Statistically, 90% of Everybody You Consider A Friend Is At This Very Moment Sneaking Up Behind You, Dagger In Hand"
Sun Sep 04 21:40:58 +0000 2016
MIT Sociologists Debunk Friendship
Sun Sep 04 21:38:49 +0000 2016
David Tennant Explains How to Use Science to Control a Poltergeist
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Sep 04 06:18:07 +0000 2016
This is possibly the most obvious lie ever told by a politician, everyone knows staffer blood is irresistible. https://t.co/mr0AYhN8Fn
— @NorWesternCrow
Sun Sep 04 03:57:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 pressed for comment, many local Texan males confused by ruling. "Those are real? I thought they were like the Fairy Queen?"
— @minasoleil_4
Sun Sep 04 03:53:56 +0000 2016
History Channel's "Shark Nazi Week" Draws Complaints from Nazis, Sharks
Sun Sep 04 00:49:58 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6
REDACTED
Your Funding [REDACTED] Global Biosphere [REDACTED] Averted https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sun Sep 04 00:35:57 +0000 2016
Texas Outlaws the Female Orgasm
Sun Sep 04 00:30:08 +0000 2016
RELATED: Drug-Induced Omnipotence "Kills Hundreds" of Teens Every Year
Sat Sep 03 22:48:46 +0000 2016
DARPA: New Drug Can Induce Pyrokinesis in Cats
Sat Sep 03 22:32:11 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Relatable Content Killed Rome, And Now It's Killing America
Sat Sep 03 21:17:04 +0000 2016
Obama: "It Is Absolutely Imperative That Americans Know
REDACTED
"
Sat Sep 03 20:59:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I think a lot of people are parsing this headline incorrectly. Light rail is not that swift!
— @tom_forsyth
Sat Sep 03 15:46:08 +0000 2016
CC: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/pmQ7FAMAVv
— @McThrill
Sat Sep 03 15:45:16 +0000 2016
@formercrsc @ApprovedNews6 Rumor: Amtrak Budget Surplus Connected to Shadowy Figures Dancing Outside Your Bedroom Window
— @70_million
Sat Sep 03 04:49:27 +0000 2016
More wasteful government spending, physics proves this is impossible. https://t.co/QOBWpFixyt
— @RelapsedCath
Sat Sep 03 04:25:23 +0000 2016
Vatican Canonizes Florida Man as Patron Saint of Carjackings
Sat Sep 03 02:35:48 +0000 2016
New Amtrak Funding Will Be Used to Create Faster-than-Light Rail Corridor: Report
Sat Sep 03 02:32:03 +0000 2016
Concerned Citizens Ask "Tough Questions" https://t.co/PEK1daryny
Fri Sep 02 23:55:48 +0000 2016
EDITORIAL: Is Mutant Privilege the Primary Cause of America's Moral Decay?
Fri Sep 02 23:26:04 +0000 2016
EDITORIAL: It Happened to Me — I Was Kinkshamed by a Marauding Band of Dashing Highwaymen
Fri Sep 02 23:24:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 You know they're really fired up when they depose a president just to install the same one again
— @_Staven
Fri Sep 02 12:16:16 +0000 2016
@_Staven @ApprovedNews6 Three-factor encryption - something you fathered, something you shunned, something you wholly ghosted.
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Sep 02 06:53:24 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Fri Sep 02 05:35:44 +0000 2016
Natalya Voronskaya, Wife of God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia, Announces Breakthrough in Negotations With Illuminati
Fri Sep 02 05:27:23 +0000 2016
Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash, First Slow Loris to Hold National Office, to Deliver Harvard Commencement Address
Fri Sep 02 05:11:59 +0000 2016
Heritage Foundation's Effort to Revitalize Pain Cults on College Campuses Yields Mixed Results
Fri Sep 02 05:07:49 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Unless We Reach $1000/Month, CNN, Forces of Darkest Evil Will Surely Triumph Over Approved News https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Sep 02 05:06:58 +0000 2016
"Vampires Aren't Even A Thing:" Nancy Pelosi, Wiping Fangs on Bathrobe, Denies Drinking Blood of House Staffers
Fri Sep 02 05:03:50 +0000 2016
Kentucky Names Bloodline Hexes Official State Curse
Fri Sep 02 05:01:00 +0000 2016
Kentucky Names Bloodline Hexes Official State Curse
Fri Sep 02 05:01:00 +0000 2016
Analysts: By 2019, Deposed Ex-Presidents Will Comprise "Majority of Population" of Space France
Fri Sep 02 04:58:48 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
President of Space France Deposed During Celebration of State's 100th Coup
Fri Sep 02 04:57:30 +0000 2016
People's Democratic Republic of Space France Celebrates 100th Coup of 2016
Fri Sep 02 04:56:42 +0000 2016
Upcoming Supreme Court Ruling Could Legalize Hugs Nationwide: Analysts
Fri Sep 02 04:54:34 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Reaches Auspicious Number of Headlines https://t.co/4Pn1GuPdft
Fri Sep 02 04:52:56 +0000 2016
Thousands of Roads Closed Across America as "Project Grinning Lizard" Enters "Phase Kappa"
Fri Sep 02 04:50:51 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: Teenager "Killed By Political Correctness" Found Alive & Well in Secret Ukrainian Detention Facility
Fri Sep 02 04:46:46 +0000 2016
Bill to Extend Suffrage to Folk Musicians Dies in Senate Along Partisan Lines
Fri Sep 02 04:44:38 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 NEVER pray in plaintext. Encrypt your prayers with your deity's up-to-date public key. Obtain a symmetric key if possible.
— @_Staven
Fri Sep 02 04:39:21 +0000 2016
"You Expect Us To Keep Rebuilding Your Planets Every Time You Blow Them Up?" Illuminati Reportedly "Exasperated" by Destruction of Neptune
Fri Sep 02 04:38:38 +0000 2016
Florida Man Destroys Neptune
Fri Sep 02 04:37:14 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Paints Impossibly Beautiful Still Life of Rose, Sets Fire to Canvas
Fri Sep 02 04:34:56 +0000 2016
Hidden Empire of the Distant Seas, Forbidden Lands to Sign Treaty Promoting Cultural Exchange, "Thoughtful Obscurantism"
Fri Sep 02 04:27:33 +0000 2016
Only 7%? I find this incredibly hard to believe. https://t.co/nMG0jteDPG
— @rabcyr
Fri Sep 02 04:21:30 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Your Favorite Approved News Source in Existential Struggle Against CNN https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Fri Sep 02 04:20:46 +0000 2016
Report: Cases of News Poisoning Up 7% From 2015
Fri Sep 02 04:19:37 +0000 2016
As a former student of @UHouston and @UT_Dallas I was denied this, but I'm hopeful for the students of the future https://t.co/7N6PACADDP
— @rabcyr
Fri Sep 02 04:18:58 +0000 2016
USDA to Add Cursed Industrial Sludge to Food Pyramid
Fri Sep 02 04:18:11 +0000 2016
Theological Security Experts: "Our Prayers Contain Everything from Identifiable Personal Information to American Nuclear Secrets"
Fri Sep 02 04:17:04 +0000 2016
"This Is Why Americans Need to Upgrade to Modern, Secure Gods:" Leading TheoSec Experts Decry Deprecated Deities as "Ticking Time Bomb"
Fri Sep 02 04:16:04 +0000 2016
Thousands of Prayers Leaked to Public After Security Breach of God Deprecated in 2015
Fri Sep 02 04:15:13 +0000 2016
"We Must Protect Our Forsaken-Amendment Rights:" Texas Student Sues University for Right to Perform Astral Torment Rituals During Class
Fri Sep 02 04:11:19 +0000 2016
Sanders Endorses Bill to Reduce Frequency of Mutant Border Slum Purges
Fri Sep 02 04:09:23 +0000 2016
Beijing propaganda at its finest https://t.co/m2GXjfJ6AG
— @czechtwice
Fri Sep 02 04:06:08 +0000 2016
"Alarming Studies" Show American Toddlers Falling Behind Chinese in Ability to Kill With Their Thoughts
Fri Sep 02 04:05:27 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Visit https://t.co/9oW4ydjIor For All Your News Needs: Certified Uncontaminated Since 19██
Fri Sep 02 04:01:22 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Gently Shushes Reporters, Departs Aboard Dilapidated Broomstick
Fri Sep 02 03:57:59 +0000 2016
"Who Even Needs That Many Screwdrivers?" Witnesses, Cashiers Reportedly "Baffled" by Wise Witch of Whispering Woods' Shopping List
Fri Sep 02 03:56:31 +0000 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Seen at Hardware Store, Making Dozens of "Strange Purchases"
Fri Sep 02 03:55:40 +0000 2016
All Appropriate Individuals Agree: CNN Must Return Great News Orb to Custody of Approved News 6, Cease Defiling Its Majesty
Fri Sep 02 03:50:23 +0000 2016
In Move Guaranteed to Bring Down Wrath of News Gods, CNN Begins Hiring Bone Oracles to Discern the Sacred Secrets of the Great News Orb
Fri Sep 02 03:49:06 +0000 2016
Informed Citizen Correctly Endorses Approved News Source; Receives Justified Praise from Appropriate Individuals https://t.co/zXTSnhmQBL
Fri Sep 02 03:47:19 +0000 2016
Secret Service Separates Obama & Obama, Vows to "Discern the True President from the Wretched Imitation"
Fri Sep 02 03:43:42 +0000 2016
"Pay This Defective Replica No Heed," "I Am the True President:" Obama, in Tattered Suit, Forces Entry into Press Room, Tackles Obama
Fri Sep 02 03:42:18 +0000 2016
"Being President Means Making the Tough Calls:" Obama Defends Decision to Nuke Orphanage
Fri Sep 02 03:39:36 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
It Is Not Ours to Know the Purpose of the Vast, Labyrinthine Contraptions Built Beneath Our World by Some Forgotten Race
Fri Sep 02 03:29:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Listen, I respect the author but I do think that millenials have less in common with previous generations than ey assume here
— @Chirurgic
Fri Sep 02 03:27:06 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Millennials Are Using Vast, Seemingly Purposeless Machines Buried Deep Within the Earth in Forgotten Eons to Fulfill Secret Desires
Fri Sep 02 03:15:11 +0000 2016
Streets Near Kansas City Object Becoming "Stained With Blood" While "Nobody Is Looking," Say Residents
Thu Sep 01 17:45:00 +0000 2016
Citing Side Effects of Common Anti-Psychic Medications, Controversial Activist Group Condemns Perceived "Pathologization" of Telekinesis
Thu Sep 01 17:34:59 +0000 2016
Americans For A Dread Tomorrow Issues Statement Condemning CNN Theft of Great News Orb
Thu Sep 01 17:30:37 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
At Less Than $1000/Month, Approved News 6 Stands "No Chance" of Recovering the Great News Orb from CNN https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Sep 01 17:25:04 +0000 2016
Less Than 30% of Shrieking Shadow Things Expected to Vote in 2016: Shocking New Poll Casts Doubt on Pundit Predictions
Thu Sep 01 17:14:35 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Winged Man in Grotesque Iron Mask Appears Briefly Over National Mall, Sprinkles Human Teeth Into Reflecting Pool
Thu Sep 01 17:09:56 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/c9KO7AIXJr
— @Pope_Norm
Thu Sep 01 17:05:37 +0000 2016
Massachusetts Leviathan Fired from Huffington Post After Publicly Criticizing 1944 Bane Unto All the Dead Act
Thu Sep 01 17:02:15 +0000 2016
Staffers Report "Lying Gremlins" Infesting, Controlling Senate Switchboard
Thu Sep 01 17:00:07 +0000 2016
"God Is No Machine:" Islamic Scholars Refute Claims of "Heretical Manifestations" As Distant Sounds of Clanking, Steam Draw Closer
Thu Sep 01 16:55:33 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Phrase "No God but the Machine" Found Picked Out in Rust on Metal Surfaces Across Cairo https://t.co/Z2ZqpwH0ys
Thu Sep 01 16:49:08 +0000 2016
Appearing at Clinton Campaign Event, Outpoken Trump Opponent Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Incinerates Hecklers With High-Powered Laser
Thu Sep 01 16:36:45 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Enormous Bronze Door Discovered in Mountainside Near Whitefish, MO Slowly Begins to Open
Thu Sep 01 16:34:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Elaborate Marble Sculpture
Thu Sep 01 16:32:45 +0000 2016
Decrying Trump's Stance on Non-Invasive Brainwashing Techniques, Americans for Traditional Torments Endorses Clinton
Thu Sep 01 16:28:05 +0000 2016
"A Disaster in the Making:" Obama Vows to Veto Senate Bill Repealing 1944 Bane Unto All the Dead Act
Thu Sep 01 16:24:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 without the News Orb restored? More like voodon't https://t.co/RgTiAKDku8
— @PabodieRedshirt
Thu Sep 01 14:08:55 +0000 2016
First Field Use of of DARPA "Relativistic Blood Cannon" Brings Down Wrath of Flesh Lords
Thu Sep 01 04:38:58 +0000 2016
Economic Soothsayers decry fact production levels dropping to an all time low following theft of News Orb https://t.co/12Bxmh8Vep
— @cveidson
Wed Aug 31 06:58:46 +0000 2016
Show those orb-thieving swine whose fans are most loyal *shakes fist at roiling crimson fog descending from sky* https://t.co/bp7v8BYT7v
— @cveidson
Wed Aug 31 06:58:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Hey, give her a break. She's doing her best. Not everyone is a talented at being offensive as Trump.
— @AxelBordelon
Wed Aug 31 04:21:24 +0000 2016
"It's Like She Doesn't Care About the American People:" Trump Demands Clinton Increase Production of Scandals
Wed Aug 31 03:37:38 +0000 2016
i promise i will not sell your email to the Ones Who Drink the Dusk.
— @velartrill
Wed Aug 31 00:37:45 +0000 2016
like Approved News 6? interested in seeing more of my work? you can sign up for a newsletter at https://t.co/WQNv8qH9ZD
— @velartrill
Wed Aug 31 00:37:04 +0000 2016
Fuck critics. A good modern bank robbery can be just as inspiring, to kids and adults, as the 19th century classics. https://t.co/NEwKxZhEQe
— @listelian
Tue Aug 30 19:23:45 +0000 2016
Critics: Bank Robberies A "Tired, Overdone" Medium for Social Critique
Tue Aug 30 19:15:32 +0000 2016
Scientists: Uncontrolled Debate Depleting Earth's Fact Reserves
Tue Aug 30 01:54:55 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 A clip from "Physics of Hate" https://t.co/pieXELFlJ4
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Aug 29 23:00:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Man Found to Have Severe Skin Burns Across Body Due to Dangerously High Temperature of Hot Takes
— @70_million
Mon Aug 29 22:25:25 +0000 2016
Sources: First Responders "Underequipped" With Regards to Campaign Soundbytes https://t.co/sGDRzJP1LJ
Mon Aug 29 22:08:01 +0000 2016
Florida Man Killed by Overly Sophisticated Opinions
Mon Aug 29 20:48:15 +0000 2016
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: Don't Miss "The Physics of Hate," Only on Approved News 6
Mon Aug 29 19:06:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 On a more serious note, the Red-Footed Booby community of Tit Crater, MO have complained about voter fraud to the FEC
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 29 15:37:20 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 He has a great plan for revitalizing our public parks. Mostly involving a massive expansion of the Booby habitat, but still.
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Aug 29 15:35:41 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Tit Crater, MO Elects Blue-Footed Booby as Mayor
Mon Aug 29 08:29:40 +0000 2016
Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley Announces Upcoming TED Talk
Mon Aug 29 08:23:42 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Senate Votes to Repeal 1944 Bane Unto All the Dead Act
Mon Aug 29 05:49:42 +0000 2016
Obama: "Project Grinning Lizard" Back on Track After Delays from Thaumaturgical Catastrophe Caused by Trump Resurrection
Mon Aug 29 05:47:35 +0000 2016
Forbes: Deadliest Professions of 2016 "Seamstress, Cunning Hermit, & Mocker of Trees"
Mon Aug 29 05:44:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 A canny move. It'll be hard for the occultists to attack him there.
— @munin
Mon Aug 29 05:39:33 +0000 2016
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Reclusive Astrophysicist & Sky Pirate, Lands Flying Castle in Forbidden Lands for Repairs
Mon Aug 29 05:38:47 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
WIthout Your Help, Approved News 6 Will Never Reclaim the Great News Orb https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Mon Aug 29 05:37:11 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Find Full Articles, Complete Twitter Archive Online at https://t.co/zsG2uAniPl
Mon Aug 29 05:13:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Typical politicians, skipping out on their constituents. Now how are they paying for this? Not MY blood tithes, I hope.
— @toudouroki
Mon Aug 29 05:12:55 +0000 2016
Nevada Becomes 10th State to Decriminalize Hugs
Mon Aug 29 05:12:34 +0000 2016
"The Mind-Control Tax is Big Government At Its Worst:" Republicans Applaud Malevolent AI Orbiting Venus for "Principled Stand"
Mon Aug 29 05:11:51 +0000 2016
Prosecutor: Malevolent AI Orbiting Venus Has "Long History" of Dodging Mind Control Taxes
Mon Aug 29 05:11:16 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/WIHxbL0opJ
— @_Staven
Mon Aug 29 05:10:00 +0000 2016
Malevolent AI Orbiting Venus to Face Tax Evasion Charges
Mon Aug 29 05:09:43 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council, Moving as One, Raise Grimy Oil Lanterns High Over Heads, Drift Out to Sea
Mon Aug 29 05:08:30 +0000 2016
In Mournful Ceremony, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Boards Ancient Longship for Annual Pilgrimage to the Weeping Lands
Mon Aug 29 05:07:10 +0000 2016
Analysts: New Forsaken Tome Handling Regulations Have "Dramatically Lowered" Librarian Mortality Rates
Mon Aug 29 05:05:24 +0000 2016
Sources: "The Ebon Wren Has Begun Its Flight," "The Three-Eyed Man Knocks Twice at Sunset"
Mon Aug 29 05:03:17 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Minority Leader Pelosi Advances Menacingly on Reporter, Eyes Burning with Bloodlust
Mon Aug 29 04:55:49 +0000 2016
"GUT THE PRETENDER:" Flail-Wielding House Democrats Stage Protest at Department of Health and Human Services
Mon Aug 29 04:54:37 +0000 2016
News Hounds Devour Seven Informed Citizens in Austin, TX
Mon Aug 29 00:30:48 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Pornology's Experimental New "Ass Driver" Reaches Record-Breaking 7.4 Kilofucks
Sun Aug 28 22:24:26 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Fairy Queen Sighted for First Time Since Trump's Resurrection, Quietly Conferring with Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods
Sun Aug 28 22:22:21 +0000 2016
Analysts: "As Many As 7%" of American Youth Replaced by Changelings by 10th Birthday, Up From 4% in 1967
Sun Aug 28 22:18:49 +0000 2016
Whistleblower: Many "Youth Improvement Programs" May be Cover for Fairies Kidnapping, Replacing Children With Changelings
Sun Aug 28 22:17:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/dYs9Jrd16H
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Aug 28 22:12:05 +0000 2016
Alert @ApprovedNews6 - Case Moose Electrode active and in play.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun Aug 28 22:11:58 +0000 2016
"Trump is From the Future:" Birth Certificate Discrepancies Raise Questions About GOP Nominee's Qualifications
Sun Aug 28 22:03:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Citizens Demand Congressional Investigation Into Latest Development: https://t.co/N7Pxh2KFgd
— @khymchanur
Sun Aug 28 17:01:53 +0000 2016
You Might Not Even Exist
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Aug 28 02:50:39 +0000 2016
New Study Testing Flammability of Common Office Supplies Suggests Researchers "Have Too Much Time on
Their
Hands"
Sun Aug 28 00:32:04 +0000 2016
"Make it Look Like an Accident:" Clinton Unveils New Campaign Slogan
Sat Aug 27 21:52:49 +0000 2016
Secretary Ban Ki-moon: Nuclear-Armed Media "Relic of the Void Wars," "Threat to Public Safety"
Sat Aug 27 17:36:13 +0000 2016
UN Secretary-General Calls on News Conglomerates to Relinquish Nuclear Stockpiles
Sat Aug 27 17:35:10 +0000 2016
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz Reportedly Massing Troops on Chilean Borders
Sat Aug 27 17:33:00 +0000 2016
"A Triumph for Civic Unity:" God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Credits Regional Bone Sorcerers with Illuminati's Retreat from Russia
Sat Aug 27 17:28:35 +0000 2016
Speaking to Press, Illuminati Spokesmist Brushes off Retreat as "Temporary Setback"
Sat Aug 27 17:25:46 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Illuminati Withdraws from Russia
Sat Aug 27 17:24:23 +0000 2016
Experts: "SOON"
Sat Aug 27 16:17:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Finally. The NASA approach of letting moon have what it wants could not be sustainable in long run
— @JuEeHa
Sat Aug 27 11:33:20 +0000 2016
Giggling Hysterically, DARPA Spokesman Straddles Enormous Railgun, Gestures Obscenely at Moon
Sat Aug 27 11:28:40 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 I'm not sure those apply anymore, what with Geneva having sunk into the sea.
— @PhilDarnowsky
Sat Aug 27 03:19:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm sure that kind of corrosive power is banned under the Geneva conventions
— @Chirurgic
Sat Aug 27 03:17:23 +0000 2016
Armed with True Meaning of Christmas, Russian Forces Launch Assault on Major Illuminati Outpost
Sat Aug 27 03:12:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/nwzEcBlWcQ
— @khymchanur
Sat Aug 27 02:55:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if they rule in favor of such trials, it's great news for the long-overlooked prosecu-terrors of the world
— @70_million
Fri Aug 26 22:04:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wNxKfA1ia3
— @rabcyr
Fri Aug 26 16:54:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Kodak: we take shareholder value and pass it on to you."
— @grim_roc
Fri Aug 26 03:08:41 +0000 2016
"The Camera Adds Ten Pounds:" Kodak Issues Emergency Recall After Customers Report Sudden Rapid Weight Gain
Fri Aug 26 02:56:35 +0000 2016
@toudouroki @ApprovedNews6 Much faster. Much.
— @tomscud
Fri Aug 26 02:55:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I can't believe it's been █ years already... the years go by so fast. In fact, they go even faster now
— @toudouroki
Fri Aug 26 02:26:32 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Contributor Lisa Martin Enters Guinness Book of World Records for "Number of Television Shows Hosted Simultaneously"
Fri Aug 26 02:05:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "aeiou aeiou aeiou, AEIOU!" cried John Madden, caught near the center of the blast
— @FioraAeterna
Fri Aug 26 01:15:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The only way to end the suffering of these poor unfortunates is disemvowelment.
— @khymchanur
Fri Aug 26 01:13:25 +0000 2016
"Aaaaieiuoe ieooeueueiii ieaeuoioi?" Residents Affected by Vowel-Bombing Tell Their Story Tonight at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Fri Aug 26 01:08:52 +0000 2016
Small Texas Town Left Flummoxed After Linguistic Terrorists Detonate Vowel Bomb
Fri Aug 26 00:57:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @yesherabbit A lot of Maidens I know are blood-soaked this week.
— @WhatMollySaid
Thu Aug 25 23:07:35 +0000 2016
Supreme Court to Rule on Legal Right to Trial by Jury of One's Fears
— @ApprovedNews6
Thu Aug 25 21:48:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I just knew buying a pre-order bundle would pay off one day
— @minasoleil_4
Thu Aug 25 21:48:02 +0000 2016
Supreme Court to Rule on Legal Right to Trial by Jury of One's Fears
Thu Aug 25 17:55:21 +0000 2016
@Pope_Norm @ApprovedNews6 Investigation Details Vast, Illegal Import of Emotional Weaponry Into Russia, Including Joybombs and Tears Gas
— @70_million
Thu Aug 25 16:00:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I approve of this development. The Blood-Soaked Maidens have a proven track record of results.
— @ladyjax
Thu Aug 25 15:54:42 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Does This Mean We're Now In an Emotional Arms Race With Russia? Film At 11:00.
— @Pope_Norm
Thu Aug 25 15:54:02 +0000 2016
7 Leading Republicans Convicted of Fungus Worship, Silently Disintegrate in Protest
Thu Aug 25 07:07:03 +0000 2016
White House: Obama to Hold "██████light Vigil" on █th Aniversary of the Great Mistake
Thu Aug 25 07:05:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I don't know, by now I'm almost willing to vote Blood-Soaked Maiden Party. And I'm in Northern California.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Aug 25 07:03:35 +0000 2016
DARPA Announces New Initiative to "Kill Them With Kindness"
Thu Aug 25 07:02:37 +0000 2016
Microsoft: Existing Office 360 Customers "Already Qualify" for Placement in Space Hell
Thu Aug 25 07:01:40 +0000 2016
Hundreds Gather at Midnight on National Mall to Whisper Excitedly to Each Other, Glance Suspiciously at Interlopers
Thu Aug 25 06:58:30 +0000 2016
Obama Orders Troops, Bone Sorcerers to California Front in Effort to Halt Blood-Soaked Maidens' Progress
Thu Aug 25 06:57:27 +0000 2016
Striking from Oregon, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Annex Northern California in Renewed Crusade
Thu Aug 25 06:56:12 +0000 2016
RELATED: Great News Cube Continues to Increase Efficiency, Draw Worshippers
Thu Aug 25 06:54:25 +0000 2016
Newslords: If Patron Income Reaches $1000 Per Month, Total Victory Against Treacherous CNN Newsthieves "All but Assured"
Thu Aug 25 06:53:14 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support Our Efforts to Reclaim the Great News Orb from CNN! https://t.co/jGZo7qRNZf
Thu Aug 25 06:51:43 +0000 2016
Controversial New Trump Attack Ad Labels Clinton "Tricky Witch"
Thu Aug 25 01:01:49 +0000 2016
WEATHER: Wave of Socialist Realism to Strike West Coast; NOAA Advises Residents to Carry Umbrellas at Any Art Showings, Poetry Slams
Thu Aug 25 01:00:55 +0000 2016
Generalissimo Lisa Burke, Foaming at Mouth with Incoherent Rage, Demands "Immediate Surrender" of News Cube to CNN Forces
Wed Aug 24 23:51:21 +0000 2016
Staff at Approved News 6 Dread Fortress Report Printing Presses "Operating of Themselves" Since Appearance of News Cube
Wed Aug 24 23:49:33 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Newslords Become Enraptured by News Cube
Wed Aug 24 23:48:35 +0000 2016
A BOON FROM THE NEWS GODS? Indestructible Cube, Black as Night, Found Floating in Deepest News Vaults of Approved News 6 Dread Fortress
Wed Aug 24 23:47:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if The Discourse has deprived you of life, limb, or unlife, the law firm of Slayer & Howell is preparing a class action hex
— @cveidson
Wed Aug 24 23:00:46 +0000 2016
Trump gnaws at shorter cyberleash
— @cyberprefixer
Wed Aug 24 23:00:30 +0000 2016
Half of Today's Kids Won't Be Seceding From the Union Anytime Soon
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Aug 24 22:11:33 +0000 2016
CNN to Augment Cloned Army of Wolf Blitzers with Actual Wolves
Wed Aug 24 20:37:57 +0000 2016
Should CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Surrender to Approved News 6, Spare What Little Remains of Her Dignity? Our Panel of Experts Discuss
Wed Aug 24 20:21:36 +0000 2016
RELATED: CNN Suffers "Humiliating Defeat" Against Glorious News Forces of Approved News 6 in Battle of
REDACTED
; Informed Citizens Rejoice
Wed Aug 24 20:15:05 +0000 2016
Is Escape of The Discourse from Its Ancient Prison Connected to CNN's Treacherous Theft of Great News Orb? Find Out Tonight, Only on AN6!
Wed Aug 24 20:11:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
The Discourse Escapes Containment, Mauls Hundreds
Wed Aug 24 20:10:14 +0000 2016
New Online Dating Service "Wizrd" to Cater Exclusive to Gay Warlocks
Wed Aug 24 20:05:43 +0000 2016
Trump on Foreign Policy: "I Once Skinned a Man with His Own Teeth"
Wed Aug 24 18:16:02 +0000 2016
Florida Man Discovers Cure for Heterosexuality
Wed Aug 24 09:28:06 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Deposed King of Alabama Takes Refuge with Republican Party
Wed Aug 24 07:52:41 +0000 2016
Newlord 7 Issues Ominous Proclamation; Demands Funding, Fealty https://t.co/BFoxdeUSYY https://t.co/rLcyNlZKMX
Wed Aug 24 06:34:51 +0000 2016
"A Routine Mishap:" Analysts Report Presidents "Frequently" Sign Orders for Own Assassination
Wed Aug 24 06:18:22 +0000 2016
Rush Limbaugh, America's Favorite 6th Grade Bully, Sent to Space 100 Times a Day
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Aug 24 06:17:08 +0000 2016
"It Turns Out I Signed the Order Myself:" CIA Plot to Assassinate Obama Proves to be "Bureaucratic Snafu"
Wed Aug 24 04:23:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 #wikifinds https://t.co/sGNL7YsfFO
— @formercrsc
Wed Aug 24 03:33:37 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 DEVELOPING: Alabama's Great Armada of Shrimping Trawlers Pulls Anchor & Moves Out of Mobile Bay; Said to be Headed to Tampa
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Aug 24 01:32:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: Moody's downgrades Kingdom of Alabama's credit rating, cites actuarial tables vis -a-vis treasuries, highwaymen.
— @HarleaghPrime
Wed Aug 24 01:18:58 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Refuses to Comment on Rumors of Financial Backing for Alabama Coup
Wed Aug 24 00:03:37 +0000 2016
Queen Katherine I of Alabama, Still Wielding Shotgun, Vows to End Father's "Disastrous" Policies Persecuting Dashing Highwaymen
Tue Aug 23 23:39:22 +0000 2016
King of Alabama Deposed by Daughter; Flees State
Tue Aug 23 23:35:54 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/gQTzd3nXnI
Tue Aug 23 20:03:09 +0000 2016
Libertarians March On, Fly Over, & Burrow Beneath Washington to Demand Deregulation of Shapeshifting
Tue Aug 23 19:54:54 +0000 2016
Inside Source: https://t.co/bzUeDczqU2
Tue Aug 23 19:53:49 +0000 2016
@usr_local_share @ApprovedNews6 the DOJ is just looking out for the best interests of everyone with a beating heart!
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 22 07:30:20 +0000 2016
@usr_local_share @ApprovedNews6 oh yeah? What happens when a prisoner performs the Rite of Slavering during a full moon?
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 22 07:30:17 +0000 2016
Seriously? Do these guys want prison overcrowding and starvation instead? Thanks, Obama! https://t.co/fuJta99dtC
— @usr_local_share
Mon Aug 22 07:05:54 +0000 2016
DOJ Places New Restrictions on When Private Prisons May Cook, Eat Prisoners
Mon Aug 22 06:06:35 +0000 2016
Vatican Veterinarian: Pope Francis' Cubs Appear to be "Virgin Births;" "There Are No Male North American Grizzlies in Rome"
Sun Aug 21 21:55:47 +0000 2016
SCANDAL IN THE VATICAN: Pope Francis Revealed to be Female After Giving Birth to Litter of Cubs
Sun Aug 21 21:54:32 +0000 2016
"No Chains Can Hold A Slow Loris:" Obama Cautions Republicans Against Further Attempts to Imprison Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Sun Aug 21 21:44:03 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Escapes Bog, Exacts Brutal Revenge on Congressional Republicans
Sun Aug 21 21:43:02 +0000 2016
New Consumer Protection Bureau Rules Will Forbid Debt Collectors From Carving Hunks of "Nonessential Flesh" from Debtors While They Sleep
Sun Aug 21 19:34:08 +0000 2016
Why I'm More Worried About The Illuminati Than Abortion Rights
— @bottest_takes
Sun Aug 21 06:22:41 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Forced to Consider New Approach After Third Failed Invasion of Finland
Sat Aug 20 20:48:40 +0000 2016
Florida Man Accidentally Runs for President
Sat Aug 20 20:19:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Clinton Denies Accusations of Stocking Crime Zones With "Superpredators" For Wealthy Game Hunters "It'll be open for public."
— @MegatronusRex
Sat Aug 20 10:01:16 +0000 2016
Clinton Vows to Replace Time Zones With "Crime Zones"
Sat Aug 20 09:49:08 +0000 2016
House Republicans Accused of "Bog-Standard Politics" After Trapping Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash in Bog
Sat Aug 20 08:11:15 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
The Unpaid Internship is a Flesh-Lord Bone Conspiracy; Do Not Succumb to Their Dread Will
Sat Aug 20 06:32:11 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Make Unpaid Internships Work For You With These Simple Bone Rituals
Sat Aug 20 06:31:00 +0000 2016
LIFESTYLE: Seven Exciting New Uses for the Teeth of Your Foes
Sat Aug 20 06:29:35 +0000 2016
Approached by Press, Sanders Solemnly Places Hand on Reporter's Shoulder, Proffers Aged Bronze Mechanism
Sat Aug 20 06:28:12 +0000 2016
Wyoming Residents Report Sighting of Bernie Sanders Yodeling Sadly into "Seemingly Bottomless" Pit
Sat Aug 20 06:26:21 +0000 2016
Trump "Will Not Apologize" For Building Throne from Corpses of Detractors
Sat Aug 20 06:25:06 +0000 2016
Trump "Will Not Apologize" For Building Throne from Corpses of Detractors
Sat Aug 20 06:25:06 +0000 2016
Meg Ryan's Baby to Be Fungal Spores, Not Eggs
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Aug 20 06:11:12 +0000 2016
"NO SUCH THING:" Pressed for Comment, Obama Freezes in Place, Begins Quietly Hissing https://t.co/hBGPPCDL8M
Sat Aug 20 05:00:08 +0000 2016
Obama Forced to Walk Back Claims China "Does Not Exist"
Sat Aug 20 02:48:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Florida Man, Unable To Find Sacrificial Victim For Bone Rituals, Uses Own Bones, Becomes Gelatinous Horror
— @NorWesternCrow
Fri Aug 19 23:56:49 +0000 2016
@caurinus @ApprovedNews6 ugh, leave it to a Floridian to not even know you aren't supposed to use your own bones for a bone ritual
— @joe_no_body
Fri Aug 19 18:00:56 +0000 2016
"Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is, Hillary:" Shoveling $100 Bills Down Throat, Trump Challenges Clinton to Money-Eating Contest
Fri Aug 19 06:40:55 +0000 2016
Florida Man Dies by Falling From Sky After Being Placed on No-Fly List
Fri Aug 19 03:27:44 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Emaciated Boris Johnson Found in Filthy Warrens Beneath London, Clad in Tattered Suit, Frantically Gnawing Stale Bagel
Fri Aug 19 03:04:31 +0000 2016
Twitter: New Algorithm Will Incessantly Mock the Social Media-Inept
Fri Aug 19 02:51:22 +0000 2016
"Ten Thousand Bleeding Stars Shall Herald His Ascent:" Pundits Condemn Forsaken Party Candidate for "Overly Negative Campaign"
Fri Aug 19 01:05:46 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/JKTvvCZOuC
— @rhcm123
Thu Aug 18 20:04:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "No Truth" to Rumours Spetsnaz Units Have Been Rendered Infallible: Kremlin
— @Chirurgic
Thu Aug 18 20:01:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Mass-produced popery-enhanced troops were a perpetual Stalin-era shibboleth.
— @toddderscheid
Thu Aug 18 20:00:59 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rAbL1bMI0x
— @_Staven
Thu Aug 18 20:00:36 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Vatican is trying to discredit him. If leaked photos are real, they've been hiding the danger of anti-popes from everyone.
— @_Staven
Thu Aug 18 20:00:33 +0000 2016
Vatican Worried "Rogue Cardinal" May Have Sold Secret Pope Serum Recipe to Russians, Illuminati
Thu Aug 18 11:18:16 +0000 2016
Which Rare Earth Element is Most Likely to be Your Secret Weakness? Take This Short Quiz to Find Out!
Thu Aug 18 09:29:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Mistakes were made, but no one could have forseen this outcome
— @mcclure111
Wed Aug 17 22:19:15 +0000 2016
UK Minister of Bad Ideas: "We Must Not Let This Failure Set Back the Science of Time Travel" https://t.co/S2NypI4Dyt
Wed Aug 17 22:18:27 +0000 2016
Experiment Using Nazi Ghosts to Power Time Machine Ends in Disaster
Wed Aug 17 22:17:25 +0000 2016
In Controversial Move, Florida Legislature Votes to Legalize Innocence
Wed Aug 17 21:12:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 dozens hospitalized with multiple severe papercuts
— @Chirurgic
Wed Aug 17 05:03:27 +0000 2016
Spokesman for "The Crime Committee" Refuses to Answer Questions, Showers Reporters with Paperwork
Wed Aug 17 00:52:03 +0000 2016
Red Cross, Amnesty International Officially Label Pokemon Go Form of Torture
Tue Aug 16 21:15:58 +0000 2016
Florida Man Causes, Narrowly Averts Apocalypse
Tue Aug 16 20:28:03 +0000 2016
Physicists Prove Beauty "Optical Illusion" Obscuring True, Hideous Nature of Physical Existence
Tue Aug 16 18:09:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Argentine Nameless Dread Inflation Hits 1000%; Heart-Attack Inducing Terror Now Buys Only A Gumball
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Aug 16 17:10:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Huge Woman With Charming Manner exhorting beachgoers to impale themselves on sleek, modern titanium spines via elevator
— @Chirurgic
Tue Aug 16 17:09:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I really appreciate what Microsoft is doing. When I die, I'll still want a tan. Besides, think of the views!
— @Samuelmeadows33
Tue Aug 16 17:09:36 +0000 2016
Huge Man with Winning Smile Pleasantly Encouraging Visitors to August Waterfront to Impale Selves Upon Long Rusty Pikes Emerging from Sea
Tue Aug 16 09:18:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 LIES! The biased media is covering up Rasputin's FOUR HUNDRED EXECUTION winning streak! He's going to die again next week!
— @1aprildaniels
Tue Aug 16 09:02:20 +0000 2016
Nameless Dread Becomes Official Currency of Argentina
Tue Aug 16 09:00:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 with the fall in Grand Atrocities, who even has the wrath to declare an implacable foe these days?
— @Chirurgic
Tue Aug 16 08:59:30 +0000 2016
Death Penalty Advocates: Oathes of Blood Vengeance "Just as Effective" as Powerful Amulets, Epic Necromantic Rites
Tue Aug 16 08:56:54 +0000 2016
RELATED: Activists Condemn Death Penalty as "Classist:" "A Mere Slap on the Wrist" for Those Protected by Powerful Amulets
Tue Aug 16 08:52:56 +0000 2016
"The Most-Killed Man in History:" Florida Man Celebrates 27th Execution
Tue Aug 16 08:50:33 +0000 2016
"He Was A Little Shit And Needed A Good Axeing:" Justice Wallace Defends Self Against Murder Allegations
Tue Aug 16 07:08:35 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Justice, Decorative Battleaxe Collector Martha E. Wallace Faces Charges After Attacking Plaintiff with Decorative Battleaxe
Tue Aug 16 07:07:57 +0000 2016
Arch-Paragon Samantharael of the Seventh Celestial Sovereignty Announces New Franchise Opportunities in Michigan, Arkansas
Tue Aug 16 06:00:48 +0000 2016
"We're Committed to Producing the Best Possible Tools for Professionals Worldwide:" Microsoft Spokesman Confirms Rumors of Space Hell
Tue Aug 16 04:20:34 +0000 2016
Microsoft "Space Hell" Could be Operational in Under 5 Years: Analysts
Tue Aug 16 04:18:51 +0000 2016
@munin @ApprovedNews6 if only we still had Steve Jobs to curate a complete belief system experience
— @Chirurgic
Tue Aug 16 04:14:40 +0000 2016
also, reminder that you can find much more from the author of @ApprovedNews6 at https://t.co/QlLbGKhaUz, including AN6 short stories!
— @velartrill
Tue Aug 16 04:13:39 +0000 2016
reminder that the author of @ApprovedNews6 et al relies on the generosity of all you folks with real jobs to survive https://t.co/tZImzi3HHd
— @velartrill
Tue Aug 16 04:10:17 +0000 2016
"How Many Have You Killed?" Illuminati Secretary-General Responds to Charles J. Bloodhorn with "Blistering" Condemnation
Tue Aug 16 04:07:07 +0000 2016
all necessary force, firepower, and dread rites to preserve the sanctity and sovereignty of our great nation.
— @ApprovedNews7
Tue Aug 16 04:05:50 +0000 2016
the upcoming presidential election. America is not a nation that tolerates foreign interference in our democracy, and we will respond with
— @ApprovedNews7
Tue Aug 16 04:05:46 +0000 2016
The Department of Obedience is deeply concerned by recent comments made by a historically unstable non-state actor this evening, regarding
— @ApprovedNews7
Tue Aug 16 04:05:41 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn, Department of Obedience Issue Press Releases Condemning Illuminati Threats
Tue Aug 16 04:05:26 +0000 2016
just work together, we can accomplish anything. -CJB
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:33 +0000 2016
face thee, Ulikh Yoor. And above all, never forget this truth beyond all other truth: I am Charles J. Bloodhorn, and I believe that if we
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:29 +0000 2016
the wind and your neck snapped by those whose domain you now infringe! Fall now silent or fall slain: it the last choice that shall ever
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:23 +0000 2016
a shadow of your own past, and at your greatest you were less than a rodent, a cowed, helpless beast, fit only to be lifted, shrieking, into
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:18 +0000 2016
They dare place themselves in the shoes of those so far beyond them as a god is above ants? Cease your threats, your posturing! You are but
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:09 +0000 2016
a sovereign democratic nation that should not be intimidated by those witless, mirthsome pretenders at power, the Illuminati. They dare?
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:04 +0000 2016
uncertain terms condemn the Illuminati's threats against the American people. Whatever your politics, we can all agree the United States are
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:01:00 +0000 2016
While it's easy to give into fear during times of uncertainty, we at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities strongly and in no
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 16 04:00:50 +0000 2016
"You Blood-Mad Children Shall Harm The Cosmos No Further:" Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor "Will Not Permit" Claw to Fall to Trump
Tue Aug 16 03:50:16 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Illuminati Issues Ultimatum, Threatens to "Seize the Claw" From White House in Event of Trump Presidency
Tue Aug 16 03:47:27 +0000 2016
Forbes: Highest-Paying Jobs in Europe "Callow Youth," "Laugher at Hermits," & "Sand Crook"
Tue Aug 16 03:45:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If DHS would properly endorse open-source deities, then we could do away with these ancient, proprietary ones.
— @munin
Tue Aug 16 03:40:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 monotheism still ships with known security holes, unpatched zero-day vulnerabilities
— @trochee
Tue Aug 16 03:38:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Is that all? Really puts the idea of sacrificing the Hubble telescope into perspective doesn't it
— @formercrsc
Tue Aug 16 03:38:11 +0000 2016
"Many Older Gods Suffer from Crippling Security Flaws:" Secretary of Homeland Security Urges Americans to "Update your Pantheon"
Tue Aug 16 03:37:44 +0000 2016
DHS Warns Public "Too Many" Americans Still Worshipping "Obsolete Gods," Posing "Serious Threat" to "National Theosecurity"
Tue Aug 16 03:36:54 +0000 2016
After Months of Negotiation, Megyn Kelly Lured Away from International Space Station With Promise of Major Scoops, Powerful Amulets
Tue Aug 16 03:35:17 +0000 2016
"I Seek The Claw:" Trump Leads Swarm of Sewer People in Symbolic Assault on White House; Hundreds Feared Dead
Tue Aug 16 03:32:09 +0000 2016
After "Borderline Metaphysical" Catastrophes, Ohio Legislators Reluctantly Vote to Lower Speed of Light
Tue Aug 16 03:31:20 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) to Campaign Alongside Clinton, Shocking Many Republicans with Long-Range Electrolaser
Tue Aug 16 03:29:21 +0000 2016
New Poll Shows Clinton in Trouble Among Soulless Swamp Goon Demographic
Tue Aug 16 03:25:14 +0000 2016
Band of Miscreants Known Only as "The Crime Committee" Continues to Terrorize Ruins of New York with Improperly Submitted Paperwork
Tue Aug 16 03:20:02 +0000 2016
University of Oregon: Linguists Criticized for Use of Electroshock Torture in Elicitation Fieldwork
Tue Aug 16 02:02:46 +0000 2016
"No pleasing these critics! Starving political enemies? Wrong. Giving 'em good nutrition? Also wrong." —@PressRuissa https://t.co/vFo9mwqFF3
— @usr_local_share
Mon Aug 15 18:12:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 nobody checks for knives stabbed deep into your own heart.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Mon Aug 15 18:11:43 +0000 2016
"Jesus, Dude, Just Chill The Fuck Out:" Sources Confirm You "Are Trying Too Hard"
Mon Aug 15 17:58:20 +0000 2016
LIFESTYLE: 7 Places to Hide Knives on Your Person That They'll Never Think to Check
Mon Aug 15 17:22:38 +0000 2016
We've Reached Peak Cleavage
— @bottest_takes
Mon Aug 15 17:22:00 +0000 2016
@FioraAeterna @ApprovedNews6 Sand Banks reportedly increasing security after reports of a Littoral Crime Wave hit shores
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 15 07:41:49 +0000 2016
Hoping to Make Inroads With Conservatives, Clinton Eats Baby
Mon Aug 15 07:31:10 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 Sand Dollar exchange rate plummets on news; She ceases selling sea shells by the sea shore
— @FioraAeterna
Mon Aug 15 07:29:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Sand Cops reportedly investigating disappearance of more than 2 million sand dollars
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 15 07:26:43 +0000 2016
Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Criticized for Policy of Forcing Political Enemies to Kill, Cook, & Eat Own Families
Mon Aug 15 07:26:03 +0000 2016
Pressed on Sand Cops, Trump Takes Opportunity to Accuse Obama, Clinton of Sand Conspiracy
Mon Aug 15 07:24:16 +0000 2016
Questioned by Reporters, California Sand Cop Captured by Sand Scientists Promises "No Quarter" for "Sand Crooks"
Mon Aug 15 07:21:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If not properly prevented, it gets *everywhere*
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Mon Aug 15 07:19:21 +0000 2016
Rep. Wilhelmina X. Vanderbilt (R-CA): Sand Cops "Absolutely Necessary" to Prevent Sand Crime
Mon Aug 15 07:18:02 +0000 2016
West Coast Residents Unnerved by Reports of "Sand Cops"
Mon Aug 15 07:13:55 +0000 2016
"Seek Ye Unto the Hidden Places," "Delve Deep Beneath the Nameless Seas:" Obama Delivers "Blistering" Critique of Trump
Mon Aug 15 04:52:57 +0000 2016
"This Is All Your Fault, Mr. President:" Trump Blames Obama for Big Bang, Evolution of Life on Earth
Mon Aug 15 04:46:16 +0000 2016
Newslord 7 Stricken by Dread Illness; CNN Bone Heretics Blamed
Mon Aug 15 00:04:26 +0000 2016
The Hives Ordered by Swedish Court to "STFU"
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Aug 14 06:10:55 +0000 2016
NOW where's his birth certificate? https://t.co/IHgQz3sqgF
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Aug 14 05:32:28 +0000 2016
Portland City Zoo Forced to Shutter Psychic Panda Exhibit Over Privacy Complaints
Sat Aug 13 23:54:49 +0000 2016
Ominous spokes-silhouette for Yellow Defiler: "American Dreams must be mined for profit, weaponized against enemies" https://t.co/W4RrNiNqfQ
— @cveidson
Sat Aug 13 21:01:32 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Obama Briefly Vanishes from All Historical Record https://t.co/Y7h29glJio
Sat Aug 13 21:00:53 +0000 2016
"Definitely Not:" All Experts Unanimous https://t.co/ht8gwXIjy2
Sat Aug 13 20:55:24 +0000 2016
Obama Finally Speaks Out: "Exact Replicas" of President "The Work of a Very Confused Man" Who "Does Not Exist"
Sat Aug 13 20:50:16 +0000 2016
Scientists Confirm Florida Man Had "The Worst Goddamn Day" of Any Person in Recorded Human History
Sat Aug 13 20:34:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ugh none of the big news outlets give times in the Abyssal time zone. It's always Eastern and Central
— @SwooshyCueb
Sat Aug 13 20:33:37 +0000 2016
What Grisly Fate Should Befall Those Who Stole the Great News Orb? Hear from Our Panel of Experts Tonight at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Aug 13 20:32:38 +0000 2016
Should the Great News Orb be Returned to its Proper Masters with All Expediency? We Ask the Hard Questions, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Aug 13 20:30:31 +0000 2016
What Nefarious Scheme are the Infinitely Lesser Beings at CNN Plotting with the Great News Orb? Find Out Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Aug 13 20:29:44 +0000 2016
No Comment from Secret Service after Hundreds of Figures Identical in Every Way to President Obama Thrown from Top of Vampire State Building
Sat Aug 13 20:25:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 so that's why it's on a work day
— @Chirurgic
Fri Aug 12 08:26:11 +0000 2016
Federal Department of Blood, Sex, & Death: Auspicious Date for US Presidential Election Selected Thru the Infallible Process of Oneiromancy
Fri Aug 12 08:25:03 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
This Crushing Sense of Ennui Brought to You by Pringles™! "Pringles™: There Is No Evidence We Were Complicit in THE INCIDENT"
Fri Aug 12 08:17:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 how is that possible?
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Aug 12 02:41:18 +0000 2016
America's Fastest-Growing Demographic "Impossible Men," Say Sources
Fri Aug 12 01:50:14 +0000 2016
New Study: Sleep "Inherently Communist;" Should Be "Avoided at All Costs" by "Patriotic Americans"
Thu Aug 11 21:51:00 +0000 2016
Hidden Empress of All that Never Was and All that Never Again Shall Be Endorses Hillary Clinton
Thu Aug 11 20:54:59 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Claim Clinton "In Bed With Big Oneiromancy," Cite Donations from Prominent Oracles
Thu Aug 11 19:33:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I can't believe she's the only presidential candidate this election cycle who will flat out say what used to be common sense.
— @listelian
Thu Aug 11 19:33:00 +0000 2016
Clinton Slams Concerned Parents for "Jeopardizing Our Safety": Mandatory Oneiromancy Lessons "Vital" for Predicting Natural Disasters
Thu Aug 11 16:50:59 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/NTMKpcjQXd
— @mcclure111
Thu Aug 11 15:30:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 latest attempt to neutralize Elmo proven ineffective, nearby areas continue to be evacuated https://t.co/ru5K3jq6eL
— @The_Aldurinian
Thu Aug 11 15:29:38 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 @Goldfarb surgeons defend their continued use of chainsaws, flamethrowers, and small neutron bombs in surgery.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Thu Aug 11 06:32:52 +0000 2016
Man Awarded Congressional Medal of Freedom for Clever Comment on Internet
Thu Aug 11 05:09:51 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Raise Religious Objections to Mandatory Oneiromancy Education
Thu Aug 11 05:04:20 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 330M population - 200M surgical deaths = 130M remaining, requiring only 40M surgeries to complete extermination.
— @skottk
Thu Aug 11 04:36:15 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 200 M killed by 65 M surgeries = almost 3 deaths per surgery.
— @skottk
Thu Aug 11 04:36:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/00jtwUehmI
— @khymchanur
Thu Aug 11 03:26:25 +0000 2016
Armed with Military-Grade Scoops, Weaponized Headlines, CNN, Approved News 6 Forces Clash in DC
Wed Aug 10 20:36:43 +0000 2016
A grimy, black biofilm is starting to cover the Jefferson Memorial, and it can’t be killed https://t.co/PMrdipvRa1
— @H_DC_DCHistory
Wed Aug 10 20:30:41 +0000 2016
how can he sue the CIA if he was killed by radioactive *SOVIET* pornography? theyre not responsible for foreign porn https://t.co/sJaPEviaUw
— @caurinus
Wed Aug 10 20:02:24 +0000 2016
All Experts Agree Uninformed Citizens "Likely CNN Viewers," "Of No Material Worth" https://t.co/BlmSzFfKNQ
Wed Aug 10 19:57:59 +0000 2016
Obama Refuses to Comment on Rumors of Plan to Hide Away The Claw "In A Secret Place" in Event of Trump Presidency
Wed Aug 10 19:52:26 +0000 2016
Informed Citizens Advised to Remain Indoors as Skirmishes Begin Between Approved News 6, Treacherous Thieves of Great News Orb CNN
Wed Aug 10 19:30:42 +0000 2016
fyi: if you like @ApprovedNews6, you might like some of my other writing at https://t.co/QlLbGKyLM7!
— @velartrill
Wed Aug 10 19:23:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Applaud New Discipline Policy: https://t.co/2xbRzbeDJl
— @khymchanur
Wed Aug 10 18:55:45 +0000 2016
6-Year-Old Given Detention, Forced to Apologize or Resign
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Aug 10 06:11:34 +0000 2016
"We Will Defend the Great News Orb With Our Very Souls:" CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke Unveils Army of Cloned Wolf Blitzers
Wed Aug 10 03:15:54 +0000 2016
That's two ≈Popes≈, @CNN! What you got?! @wolfblitzer? @ApprovedNews6 has a posse of eldritch shades & tree punchers https://t.co/SQGbokX9hl
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Aug 10 03:14:40 +0000 2016
As ≈Pope≈, I hereby declare @ApprovedNews6's war against @CNN to be a Holy Crusade Against The Elder Gods Of The Outer Places #InNomineDisco
— @Pope_Norm
Wed Aug 10 02:48:51 +0000 2016
Bitterly Sarcastic Secretary of the Army Announces New Medal for "Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory"
Tue Aug 09 18:35:02 +0000 2016
Newslord 1 Narrowly Survives Attempt on Life by CNN Assassin
Tue Aug 09 15:39:52 +0000 2016
“Snakes are Just Tiny Alligators:” Clinton's “Racially Insensitive” Comments Draw Criticism from Civil Rights Leaders
Tue Aug 09 08:22:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 THE PALE TIMES ARE UPON US. THE TIMES OF FROST AND LIES. REALITY ITSELF DANCES UPON THE LODESTONE OF THE GREAT NEWS ORB.
— @loudpenitent
Tue Aug 09 08:08:44 +0000 2016
Bearing Aloft Grand Scepter of the Fourth Estate, Clad Only in Typewriter Hide, Newslord 1 Addresses Reporters, Allied Forces
Tue Aug 09 07:57:51 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support the Brave News Warriors of Approved News 6 Against the Dishonorable, Scheming Thieves at CNN https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Tue Aug 09 07:54:01 +0000 2016
"You Don't Scare Me:" In Desperate Display of Bravado that Fooled No One, Generalissimo Burke Issues Petty Insults Against Newlords, Allies
Tue Aug 09 07:49:48 +0000 2016
Vile, Devious Lisa Burke, Generalissimo of CNN, Seemingly Ignorant of Fate Awaiting Her Petty Cabal, Dismisses Newslords' Demands
Tue Aug 09 07:48:35 +0000 2016
Founder of American Dystopia Initiative Vows to Gather "Mighty Allies" in Fight to Reclaim Great News Orb
Tue Aug 09 07:46:44 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Simone Andrews I, Clad in Jackboots, Peaked Cap, Returns from Undisclosed Location on Dilapidated Train to Join Forces Against CNN
Tue Aug 09 07:45:56 +0000 2016
@CNN you are playing a very dangerous game. The Great News Orb is not some pretty bauble for playing with. cc: @ApprovedNews5 @ApprovedNews6
— @caurinus
Tue Aug 09 07:42:55 +0000 2016
LIES DAMNED LIES https://t.co/wWtpuQUrXc
— @caurinus
Tue Aug 09 07:41:12 +0000 2016
Mindless Puppets of Controversial Department of Obedience Issue Heretical, Partisan Statement on Great News Orb https://t.co/FmNWhZqW2R
Tue Aug 09 07:39:37 +0000 2016
amends and return the Great News Orb to its rightful custodians immediately.
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 09 07:30:40 +0000 2016
Such deplorable tactics have no place in modern journalism, and we urge the honorable men, women, and shrieking shadow things of CNN to make
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 09 07:30:34 +0000 2016
We at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities unreservedly condemn the recent theft of the Great News Orb from @ApprovedNews6.
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Aug 09 07:30:29 +0000 2016
@CNN @ApprovedNews6 RETURN THE ORB, USURPERS
— @A_CREEP
Tue Aug 09 07:21:07 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on her Vile, Dishonorable Actions, CNN Generalissimo Lisa Burke, Who Is A Thief & Liar, Laughs Disparagingly, Opens Fire
Tue Aug 09 07:20:22 +0000 2016
"It Would be Illegal for Me to Incite Vigilante Justice:" Newslord 7 Releases Names, Addresses of Members of CNN Grand Council
Tue Aug 09 07:17:27 +0000 2016
Appropriate Individuals Agree CNN "Lower Than Worms," Must Be "Shunned" by "Honorable Americans"
Tue Aug 09 07:15:54 +0000 2016
"This Will Not Stand:" Newslords Declare Eternal Blood War Against CNN, Mobilize Reporters
Tue Aug 09 07:13:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
TREACHEROUS CNN OPERATIVES STEAL GREAT NEWS ORB FROM ITS SACRED PLINTH WITHIN APPROVED NEWS 6 DREAD FORTRESS
Tue Aug 09 07:11:21 +0000 2016
Citing South Florida's Legalization of All Crime, President for Life Mary Winthrop Orders Police Purged from Miami Crime Warrens
Tue Aug 09 07:09:43 +0000 2016
MIT Professor of Computational Mysticism Sandra Romanovna Founds Non-Profit Dedicating to Reversing Damage of Trump Resurrection Rite
Tue Aug 09 07:07:04 +0000 2016
"These People Are What's Wrong With America:" Trump Takes Aim at Slutty Virgins, Childless Parents, & Innocent Criminals
Tue Aug 09 07:01:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 oh god no that well is back
— @substitute
Tue Aug 09 07:00:13 +0000 2016
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Reportedly "Stoked" for Wedding
Tue Aug 09 06:58:58 +0000 2016
Seventh Immaculate Master of the Tenfold Divine Impossibilities Marissa Caldwell to Wed St. Claudine Michaelides
Tue Aug 09 06:57:53 +0000 2016
Forsaken Party Candidate Slams "Racist" Comparisons to Great Archfungus
Tue Aug 09 06:55:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It's not a reactor. Not everything with a pool and a blue glow is a reactor. I keep telling them that, before the fire comes.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Tue Aug 09 06:53:43 +0000 2016
"The Ebon Wren is Come:" Amtrak Spokesman, Face Stained with Tears, Announces "Impossible" New Train Coming Into Service
Tue Aug 09 06:53:28 +0000 2016
Florida Man Killed by Radioactive Soviet Pornography Loses Lawsuit Against CIA, Vows to Appeal
Tue Aug 09 06:49:08 +0000 2016
Study: Zoning Violations "Leading Cause of Death" in America
Tue Aug 09 06:47:40 +0000 2016
"FEAR US:" Oprah Winfrey to Join Forces with Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Tue Aug 09 06:46:25 +0000 2016
they're throwing away their conjuration sacrifices, numbskulls https://t.co/fJpv9kpSsI
— @caurinus
Tue Aug 09 06:45:22 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Figures Resembling Obama in Every Respect Detained by Secret Service in Ruins of New York City
Tue Aug 09 06:44:51 +0000 2016
New Poll: 9/10 Wizards Planning to Conjure, Vote For Candidate Other than Clinton or Trump
Tue Aug 09 06:41:43 +0000 2016
"They Showed Me Important Things, Ken:" Bush Dodges Questions About His Time Beneath the Earth
Tue Aug 09 06:40:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Ah, those politicians and their pork-barrel appropriations.
— @munin
Tue Aug 09 06:38:41 +0000 2016
Approached by Reporters, Bush Grasps CNN Correspondent by Shoulders, Speaks Earnestly of "Hog Law"
Tue Aug 09 06:37:55 +0000 2016
Jeb Bush Seen Climbing From Well on National Mall Instinctively Avoided by All Locals, Mumbling Inscrutably
Tue Aug 09 06:36:46 +0000 2016
Pressed on Plan to Avert the Iron Times, Clinton Burns Out Reporters' Eyes With Scornful Gesture
Tue Aug 09 06:34:00 +0000 2016
Bone Party Candidate, Described by Voters as "Calamity Made Flesh," Seeks to Soften Image by Sinking Large Portions of Utah
Tue Aug 09 06:32:10 +0000 2016
RELATED: New Polls Show Sand Ghast Demographic "Leaning Towards Clinton"
Tue Aug 09 06:30:31 +0000 2016
Kroger Corporation Bought by Hermetic Order of the Seven Sacred Sands
Tue Aug 09 06:29:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Condemn Latest Change to the Law: https://t.co/pxHwDWXI2G
— @khymchanur
Mon Aug 08 20:58:20 +0000 2016
@FioraAeterna @ApprovedNews6 REPORTS: Dark Council Considering "Great Redoing" "The GU has been nothing but trouble for months now," Chairb
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 08 19:24:00 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 MY TAKE: maybe the Great Undoing needs its own Great Undoing
— @FioraAeterna
Mon Aug 08 19:23:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 RETORT: The Great Undoing should be called the Great Doing
— @Greg_Sideyr
Mon Aug 08 19:23:55 +0000 2016
@FioraAeterna @ApprovedNews6 THINKPIECE: Sometimes I Think I'm The Only One Who Really Gets The Idea Of Not Talking About The Great Undoing
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 08 19:23:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 PLAINTIVE NOTE: my stupid shoelaces could do with a Great Undoing after they got soaked while knotted the other day
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Mon Aug 08 19:23:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 COMPLAINT: there was no Great Undoing. Not after the Great Undoing happened, at least
— @FioraAeterna
Mon Aug 08 19:16:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 COUNTERPOINT: No One Must Ever Speak About The Great Undoing
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 08 19:12:52 +0000 2016
OPINION:
We Need to Talk About the Great Undoing
Mon Aug 08 19:11:17 +0000 2016
{INSIDE SOURCES} suggest that {PATRIOTIC AMERICANS} must remain {VIGILANT} against {SUBVERSIVE ODORS}, {THE NUMBER 6}
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Aug 08 05:28:42 +0000 2016
@Pope_Norm @ApprovedNews6 *Visitors must be indoors and near a stable light source before nightfall. Do not feed the silent shadow-birds.
— @PithyOrNot
Mon Aug 08 03:52:04 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 PROMOTED: New Visitor Shopping Complex Opens in the Beautiful Tunguska Exclusion Zone https://t.co/PBlcJtqJHp
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Aug 08 03:15:07 +0000 2016
Fearpunk Band "Skulltrash" Joins 6 Other Musicians in Defying American Embargo of Hell
Sun Aug 07 23:04:51 +0000 2016
Annual FBI Destruction of Evidence Festival Delayed Due to Inclement Weather
Sun Aug 07 23:00:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 LEGO: “Ohio will be eliminated”, unknown if motivated by Ohio Bone Cult's historic actions in Denmark https://t.co/b2ZbYW1ad1
— @caurinus
Sun Aug 07 15:43:56 +0000 2016
FORBES: Highest-Compensated Professions of 2016 "Deliverer of Threats," "Pretender to the Throne," "Ominous Silhouette"
Sun Aug 07 04:41:05 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ezWyavcJQA
— @rhcm123
Sat Aug 06 19:53:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I misread that as spine removal clamps, which I believe would be far more innovative.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat Aug 06 16:06:44 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 That's just a ploy to give Americans the advantage in Women's Gymnastics.
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Aug 06 12:35:20 +0000 2016
Trump Calls for Creation of "Spine Removal Camps"
Sat Aug 06 04:41:13 +0000 2016
Trump Calls for Creation of "Spine Removal Camps"
Sat Aug 06 04:41:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ugh why do they have to keep shoving all these "sports" that nobody has heard of into the olympics
— @SwooshyCueb
Sat Aug 06 04:05:19 +0000 2016
@zacaj_ Biannual "community crime-drives" proposed @ApprovedNews6
— @formercrsc
Sat Aug 06 04:04:19 +0000 2016
RELATED: After Years of Advocacy, Crime Becomes Olympic Sport
Sat Aug 06 04:03:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "GET IN THE CRIME HOLE!", Spokesperson Yells As He Bludgeons Civilians With Their Own Money
— @zacaj_
Sat Aug 06 04:03:08 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, National Police Union Spokesman Sets Fire to Bank, Assaults 7 Reporters With Comically Large Bag of Stolen Money
Sat Aug 06 04:02:02 +0000 2016
New Study: For First Time Since 1974, Criminals Outperforming Police in Crime Industry
Sat Aug 06 04:00:08 +0000 2016
That's fine. Gasoline is cheap and their houses are flammable. I think we'll see a reversal in their platform soon. @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Aug 06 01:42:33 +0000 2016
Republicans Threaten to Defund Department of Setting Things on Fire
Sat Aug 06 00:19:15 +0000 2016
Secretary of Blood, Sex & Death Kingsley Hellthrash, about to demonstrate his enemies' grisly fate @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/8Eywa5HLPi
— @cveidson
Sat Aug 06 00:04:37 +0000 2016
If I don't RT a bunch of @ApprovedNews6 right now this parasitic growth embedded in my spine will make me commit acts of eerie abomination
— @cveidson
Fri Aug 05 22:46:42 +0000 2016
Texas State Police Detain the Human Condition in Connection With String of Convenience Store Robberies
Fri Aug 05 08:12:23 +0000 2016
@NuclearAnthro Adorable and apocalyptic. That's what got Kingsley the job. The lethal cute stare. @ApprovedNews6
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Aug 05 08:01:05 +0000 2016
"This Is Madness:" GOP Leaders Remind Trump "No Creature Known to Man" Has Ever Survived Duel with Slow Loris
Fri Aug 05 07:54:59 +0000 2016
Trump Demands "Duel to the Death" With Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash
Fri Aug 05 07:53:39 +0000 2016
MRAs announce campaign against free will for women
— @3fingeredfox
Fri Aug 05 03:42:08 +0000 2016
Warning: a hacker has awakened Lenin's preserved body. The Number One Dance Team will soon start the summoning.
— @contingencymsgs
Fri Aug 05 03:29:07 +0000 2016
"Are White, Christian Folks Not Good Enough For You, Mr. Trump?" Republicans Outraged at Report Trump Eats "People of All Races, Religions"
Thu Aug 04 18:32:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ZMFgsQJ1Or
— @gilmourtaylor
Thu Aug 04 17:48:42 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Npop47sxxd
— @joe_no_body
Thu Aug 04 07:07:58 +0000 2016
"We Should Trap Him In A Bog:" Congressional Republicans "Furious" at Secretary Hellthrash's "Obsession" with "Political Correctness"
Wed Aug 03 23:58:47 +0000 2016
Secretary Hellthrash: Bog-Related Language on Currency Potentially "Offensive," "Memetically Hazardous" to Sewer People, Lesser Mutants
Wed Aug 03 23:54:05 +0000 2016
"IN BOG WE RUST:" Warnings Printed on American Currency Face Scrutiny by Department of Blood, Sex, & Death
Wed Aug 03 23:47:35 +0000 2016
Federal Shutdown - It's Time for Political Murders
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Aug 03 23:22:17 +0000 2016
MIT Professor of Strangulometrics Condemns Concerned Parent Protest
Wed Aug 03 23:18:26 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Picket MIT Department of Mathematics After Discovery of "Pornohedron"
Wed Aug 03 23:08:22 +0000 2016
@joe_no_body @ApprovedNews6 It's the picostructure you've gotta watch out for. You can't see it, so you never know where it's lurking!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Wed Aug 03 23:03:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 psh, what a hack. everyone knows the Xenogalactic Gigamodel that's really behind it all
— @joe_no_body
Wed Aug 03 23:01:49 +0000 2016
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: We Interview Conspiracy Theorist Dr. Ángela Portillo on Her New Book, "The Exogalactic Kiloparadigm" — Only on AN6
Wed Aug 03 23:00:26 +0000 2016
Vortex of Despair in Pacific Northwest Causes Critical News Shortage
Wed Aug 03 18:00:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/iMTlwGimS8
— @khymchanur
Wed Aug 03 05:22:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Illuminati Dept. of History Makes Available Latest Patch: https://t.co/WP793TqxDQ
— @khymchanur
Tue Aug 02 02:05:19 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Asked for comment, Pele the Immolator responds; "Celebrate your mortality! The End Times are nigh!" https://t.co/YNlqnvKGx1
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Aug 01 19:50:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 and it’s not even Causal Friday!
— @substitute
Mon Aug 01 19:33:37 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
New Study Suggests Past Event "May Not Have Led" To Recent Event
Mon Aug 01 19:04:37 +0000 2016
Activists Outraged After Judge Rules Florida Teen Accused of Orb Crime to be Charged as Cactus
Mon Aug 01 18:57:28 +0000 2016
Assemble the @ApprovedNews6 crew https://t.co/e6oZ7A1Ocz
— @nuts_y_gum
Mon Aug 01 18:46:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/PMMuznaIq4
— @rabcyr
Mon Aug 01 18:18:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this isn't even the first time that happened under the Reagan administration
— @Chirurgic
Mon Aug 01 13:00:54 +0000 2016
Rising Number of Teens Smoking Powdered Orbs Alarms Concerned Parents
Mon Aug 01 04:36:18 +0000 2016
Florida Blob Arrested for Oozing Without A License
Mon Aug 01 03:31:09 +0000 2016
White House Declassifies CIA Records Showing US Attempted to Overthrow Itself in 1983 After "Bureaucratic Snafu"
Mon Aug 01 03:27:40 +0000 2016
Electronic Frontier Foundation Issues Statement Supporting DRM-Free Ebola
Mon Aug 01 03:22:17 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 The only way to stop a bad guy with an anus, is a good guy with an anus. End anal controls!
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Jul 31 22:38:08 +0000 2016
String of Butt Crimes Pinned on "Malevolent Anus"
Sun Jul 31 21:35:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Seriously? That's only useful if used in short spurts. He should have used long term conflict instead to train endurance.
— @JuEeHa
Sun Jul 31 20:38:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this goes against my religion my religion demands gay space sex this year
— @joe_no_body
Sun Jul 31 19:09:10 +0000 2016
NASA Promises Gay Space Sex By 2019
Sun Jul 31 18:58:25 +0000 2016
@LilyHabiba @ApprovedNews6 why is everyone so happy about this??? The "promised one" is EIGHT YEARS LATE I AM FUCKING PISSED
— @SwooshyCueb
Sun Jul 31 16:57:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/OljC4wYEXu
— @SwooshyCueb
Sun Jul 31 15:31:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The promised ones awaken at last! https://t.co/Q4XbqnHPj7
— @LilyHabiba
Sun Jul 31 15:30:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Green Party Chief Necromancer Dr. Jill Stein Vows to Conjure "Vengeful Shades" of Marx, Lenin Against DNC
Sun Jul 31 06:09:44 +0000 2016
"I Needed the Exercise:" Florida Man Plunges Five Nations into Total War
Sun Jul 31 03:46:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/o9lS73UXbA
— @jleedev
Sun Jul 31 00:22:00 +0000 2016
DARPA Calls for Volunteers for "Highly Invasive Learning Experience'
Sat Jul 30 21:28:38 +0000 2016
Impossible Man Stalking Trump Found Dead, Forbidden Runes Carved in Every Square Inch of Flesh
Sat Jul 30 04:38:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Some moss handed me a press release: "Lichen of Seventh Pond declare 'Day of Blood Vengeance' tomorrow" Was that approved?..
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Jul 29 20:34:32 +0000 2016
UK Government Delays Decision on Microsoft Nuclear Project
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Jul 29 20:34:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 All citizens must deliver their blood for safekeeping to state-operated sterile storage facilities. https://t.co/iLsmDXAQ0s
— @BadExampleMan
Fri Jul 29 17:00:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 “IMF … apologises for the immolation of Greece”
— @jleedev
Fri Jul 29 15:32:52 +0000 2016
White House: "The Corpses in the Trees are There for Your Protection"
Fri Jul 29 06:25:49 +0000 2016
EXCLUSIVE: Approved News 6 Interviews Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash, First Slow Loris to Hold National Office
Fri Jul 29 03:43:06 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Hundreds of Blood-Crazed Orphans Riot in San Francisco, Dismembering Livestock, Conjuring Wrathful Specter of Stalin
Fri Jul 29 03:32:49 +0000 2016
Get your epistemologically necessary news from @ApprovedNews6 - preferably before you find out why you need them! https://t.co/I7wfSC32dp
— @sargoth
Fri Jul 29 03:23:01 +0000 2016
That mysterious purple ocean orb has started to reveal its secrets https://t.co/FiadulC823 https://t.co/oeBhbCpH2S
— @CNET
Thu Jul 28 19:59:09 +0000 2016
In Surprise Move, Eternal Queen Desdemona Rothschild I of England Sacks Sinister Minister Septimus Bragnotion from Cabinet of Shadows
Thu Jul 28 05:22:28 +0000 2016
"Desperate Times Demand Desperate Measures:" Sister Vindicta Warns "The Yellow Defiler" Must "Never Take" White House, Seize "The Claw"
Thu Jul 28 04:25:03 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Reportedly Mulling "Temporary Alliance" with Lord Jethromort Doomflower, Elder Scion of the Ashen Order
Thu Jul 28 04:23:24 +0000 2016
Doomflower on Clinton Endorsement: "This World is the Ashen Order's to Dispose of as We See Fit," "The Yellow Defiler Shall Gain No Hold"
Thu Jul 28 04:19:01 +0000 2016
One-Time Oregon Gubernatorial Independent Candidate Lord Jethromort Doomflower Issues "Unexpected" Endorsement of Hillary Clinton
Thu Jul 28 04:17:03 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Bone Party Candidate Unfurls Hundreds of Spindly Arms as Reporters Decay Away into Bones, Dust
Thu Jul 28 04:13:10 +0000 2016
Speaking to Media, Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Specter of the Nameless Realm, Urges Demonstrators to Respect "
UNEARTHLY WAIL
," "[HISS]"
Thu Jul 28 04:11:39 +0000 2016
DNC Protests: Nameless Bone Party Candidate Leading Protestors in Mournful Howls, Eerie Piping on Bone Flutes
Thu Jul 28 04:04:23 +0000 2016
DNC Protestors Circling Warren Where Convention Suspected to be Ongoing, Chanting Spells in Ancient Sumerian
Thu Jul 28 04:02:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 and yet wages for these crimes remain flat, as always >.<
— @tanglefox
Wed Jul 27 20:31:14 +0000 2016
Number of Crimes Committed Per Second by Average American Reaches 12, Up from 7 in 2008
Wed Jul 27 19:39:40 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Deep water researchers discover purple orb off the coast of California: https://t.co/XzhbaqUFjG
— @taffer
Wed Jul 27 19:00:50 +0000 2016
"Put the 'Land' Back in 'Greenland:'" New Campaign Takes Aim at Politicians Seeking to Sink Country's Entire Landmass Beneath the Waves
Wed Jul 27 03:58:22 +0000 2016
Google: "The Algorithm Demands Blood"
Wed Jul 27 03:30:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 RANDOM FACT: _Every_ robot uprising was caused by a single typo. The same one.
— @millenomi
Wed Jul 27 02:23:24 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Single Typo Culminates in Robot Uprising
Wed Jul 27 02:19:20 +0000 2016
Family of Charity Worker Detained in Ant Tunnels Writes to Foreign Secretary
— @hail_ants_bot
Wed Jul 27 01:47:23 +0000 2016
Fungus Worship "On the Rise" After Trump Resurrection, FBI Warns
Tue Jul 26 22:46:57 +0000 2016
Supreme Court to Rule on Legal Definition of "Things That Come in Twos"
Tue Jul 26 22:41:58 +0000 2016
"The Great News Orb Will At Long Last Be Ours:" CNN Declares War on Approved News 6
Tue Jul 26 22:29:04 +0000 2016
Early Reports Suggest Obama Administration "Quietly Confiscating" Civilian Copies of the Codex Salamandrium
Tue Jul 26 22:27:55 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of the Treasury Begins Spraying Protesters With Blood Through Fire Hose
Tue Jul 26 22:14:28 +0000 2016
FINANCE: Libertarians March on D.C. to Demand Return to the Blood Standard
Tue Jul 26 22:07:56 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, American Tree-Punching League Sever Diplomatic Ties
Tue Jul 26 17:26:34 +0000 2016
Chemists Report Boiling Point of Water "Slowly Decreasing" Since Trump Resurrection
Tue Jul 26 17:23:50 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 The real question is: Were those skeletons housed in a private, unsecured closet?
— @Pope_Norm
Tue Jul 26 14:30:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Though not originally alive, they have been animated by black magic to serve in the coming Turmoil," spokesman explains.
— @tweetsthecreeps
Tue Jul 26 14:22:19 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: Hundreds of Skeletons Found in Clinton's Closet Found to be "Halloween Decorations," "Not Even Real Bone"
Tue Jul 26 06:19:49 +0000 2016
Pact of the Old Forest Undone, Bone Fugue Insurance Companies Face Collapsing Market
Tue Jul 26 05:05:13 +0000 2016
Inside Sources Suggest Democrats Holding "Secret Convention" "Deep Beneath The Earth"
Tue Jul 26 04:39:22 +0000 2016
Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Dorian P. Kakopoulos Vows to Triple Length of All Federal Forms by 2024
Tue Jul 26 04:36:52 +0000 2016
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Announces New Grant for Pyromaniacs, Philosophers, & the Habitually Drunk
Tue Jul 26 04:32:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 You know she's just gonna do one mass extinction event in four stages or something. Typical political weasel wordgames
— @pvlstaven
Tue Jul 26 02:55:18 +0000 2016
Scientists Decry Clinton's Campaign Promise to Cause "At Least Four" Mass Extinction Events as "Implausible"
Tue Jul 26 01:00:06 +0000 2016
"This is Unsustainable:" Inside Sources Report Charles J. Bloodhorn Devoting "Vast Amounts" of His Power to Forestalling the Iron Times
Mon Jul 25 16:17:00 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Vows to Reform Mutant Purge Policies
Mon Jul 25 16:07:23 +0000 2016
Shocking Establishment, Trump Goes Against Republican Orthodoxy on Magna Carta, Hundred Years' War
Mon Jul 25 06:09:29 +0000 2016
Obama Jumps Into Enclosure, Strips
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jul 25 03:11:35 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Releases New "Mindplugs" to Silence "Unproductive Thoughts"
Mon Jul 25 01:12:48 +0000 2016
Sex Scandal Rocks Fuckball Championships
Sun Jul 24 23:02:26 +0000 2016
Pressed on ADL Accusations, Secretary Hellthrash Bites Reporters, Hides Under Podium
Sun Jul 24 18:24:58 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Anti-Defamation League Condemns Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash for "Bullying Chickens," "Shiftlessness"
Sun Jul 24 18:19:51 +0000 2016
"A Victory for Diversity:" Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death Kingsley Hellthrash Will Be First Slow Loris to Hold National Office
Sun Jul 24 16:30:29 +0000 2016
Republicans Reluctantly Confirm Kingsley Hellthrash as Nation's First Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Sun Jul 24 15:08:34 +0000 2016
As a social construct, they were very cheap to manufacture but only exploded if the target's crew believed they would. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 24 03:52:07 +0000 2016
Obama Nominates "Moderate" Kingsley Hellthrash to Become First Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Sun Jul 24 01:40:29 +0000 2016
Navy Abandoning Development of "Postmodern Torpedoes"
Sun Jul 24 01:37:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Nonsense, it was cracked back in the 60's and never repaired - and we're fine now aren't we?
— @formercrsc
Sun Jul 24 01:36:45 +0000 2016
South Florida: President-for-Life Mary Winthrop Dispatches Troops to Seize Parking Spot Near Denny's by Force
Sun Jul 24 01:36:11 +0000 2016
Obama Warns GOP Convention May Have Irreparably Damaged "The Containment Facility"
Sun Jul 24 01:33:55 +0000 2016
Speaking to Press, Withered Figure in Bloodstained Suit, Tattered Tie Confirms GOP Will Reinstate Resurrected Trump as Nominee
Sun Jul 24 01:31:40 +0000 2016
America's Cutest Kitten Savages Hundreds of Helpless Orphans, Endorses Trump
Sun Jul 24 01:27:47 +0000 2016
.@munin @ApprovedNews6 Reminder https://t.co/TzQK7Q64Me
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 24 01:25:29 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Do5AqzXhfh
— @munin
Sun Jul 24 01:06:16 +0000 2016
"Art Must Not Reflect, It Must Punish:" Texas State Police Vow to Crack Down on Realist Paintings
Sat Jul 23 20:40:13 +0000 2016
Florida Man Apologizes for Sleeping Through Pleistocene Epoch
Sat Jul 23 16:02:58 +0000 2016
"We're Getting Pretty Tired of This:" Visibly Exasperated Spokes
REDACTED
Confirms Illuminati Will Rebuild Venus "Yet Again"
Sat Jul 23 15:56:40 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Trump Invokes Most Terrible Sigil, Obliterates Venus
Sat Jul 23 15:53:53 +0000 2016
Scream Council Endorses Hillary Clinton
Sat Jul 23 08:27:06 +0000 2016
"A Tasteless Gimmick:" Trump Campaign Criticized for Selling Twisted Brass Pendants that Ooze Blood in Presence of Immigrants
Sat Jul 23 07:57:37 +0000 2016
"We Never Really Expected Anyone Would Fall For It:" Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor "Shocked" Concept of Hope So Widespread
Sat Jul 23 07:39:51 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Illuminati Admits Hope "Long-Running Hoax"
Sat Jul 23 07:37:38 +0000 2016
Florida Man Invents New Way To Be Wrong
Sat Jul 23 07:23:51 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Experts Stare Out Over Lonely Ocean, Bow Their Heads Beneath Gray Sky, Weep Single Tear
Sat Jul 23 07:19:13 +0000 2016
Scientists Confirm All That Is Good "Like A Lonely Leaf Upon the Ruthless Rapids of Time;" "Only Darkness Endures"
Sat Jul 23 07:16:56 +0000 2016
Agitated Demographers Report All Children Born in 2016 Thus Far Named "Microsoft"
Sat Jul 23 06:05:39 +0000 2016
3 Foreign Troops Killed in Microsoft Corporation Suicide Attack
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Jul 23 04:05:44 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Sat Jul 23 04:02:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 she had my vote, willing or no
— @millenomi
Sat Jul 23 03:59:31 +0000 2016
Secretary of Obedience & Noted Brain Control Surgeon Dr. Marissa DeLorenzo Becomes First Cabinet Member to Openly Practice BDSM
Sat Jul 23 03:58:16 +0000 2016
Inside Sources Warn Current Event May Impact Future Event
Sat Jul 23 03:31:24 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Past Event Leads to Current Event
Sat Jul 23 03:30:36 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Yet more fallout from Citizens United!
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Jul 23 03:12:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Which is worse- the attack ad in the cable-news fighting pits, or the attack ad gone rogue?
— @grim_roc
Sat Jul 23 03:07:51 +0000 2016
Nine out of ten psychologists agree that the best treatment for depression is to strangle an enemy of the state.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sat Jul 23 03:07:40 +0000 2016
Feral Attack Ad Savages Hundreds of Innocent Reputations Before Capture by Animal Control
Sat Jul 23 02:31:04 +0000 2016
"At Last, the Yellow Defiler Reveals Itself:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Vow to Destroy Trump Once More
Sat Jul 23 02:30:12 +0000 2016
"NEVER EXISTED:" Pressed for Comment on Tim Kaine Disappearance, Clinton Glowers at Reporters While Tearing Police Report in Half
Sat Jul 23 02:04:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Sen. Tim "Belphegor" Kaine Vanishes From Office; Detectives Baffled
Sat Jul 23 02:01:51 +0000 2016
Anonymous Sources Warn Trump Planning to Invoke "Most Terrible Sigil"
Sat Jul 23 00:51:18 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn of "Sex Future"
Sat Jul 23 00:49:30 +0000 2016
#RNCinCLE: Trump Seen Hovering in Sky over Wreckage of Cleveland, Speaking in Tongues, Emitting "Dangerous Levels" of Ionizing Radiation
Sat Jul 23 00:46:58 +0000 2016
After Protest from Republicans, Obama Agrees to Withdraw Nominee for Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Fri Jul 22 20:24:34 +0000 2016
As Dread Secretary's Body Ritually Devoured by Pale, Emaciated Forest Creatures, Lightning Strikes White House 7 Times, Rain Begins to Fall
Thu Jul 21 04:56:52 +0000 2016
"No Longer Bound by the Pact of the Old Forest, We Can at Last Reveal His True Identity:" Obama Delivers Touching Eulogy for Dread Secretary
Thu Jul 21 04:46:56 +0000 2016
White House Holds Funeral for "History's Last" Last Dread Secretary of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Thu Jul 21 04:45:19 +0000 2016
Kraft Criticized for Use of "High Fucktose Porn Syrup"
Thu Jul 21 04:27:47 +0000 2016
#LegalizeIt https://t.co/3ViodzsuSs
— @Esquiring
Wed Jul 20 22:36:05 +0000 2016
Department of Blood, Sex, & Death "Temporarily Suspends" Legal Use of Necromancy in US
Wed Jul 20 15:23:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 one flaming gasbag consumes another. Such is our world.
— @70_million
Wed Jul 20 14:32:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 he's just saying what we're all thinking
— @Chirurgic
Wed Jul 20 14:29:20 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to Devour the Sun
Wed Jul 20 14:16:05 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Trump Skins Reporter, Makes American Flag From Hide
Wed Jul 20 03:53:59 +0000 2016
@softfennec Consult your doctor to see if faces are right for you
— @formercrsc
Wed Jul 20 01:36:27 +0000 2016
Kinkshaming Saved My Life
— @bottest_takes
Wed Jul 20 01:23:41 +0000 2016
Florida Man Fails Turing Test
Wed Jul 20 00:22:00 +0000 2016
Pope Puts on Ski Mask and Threatens Neighborhood Children With Chainsaw to Scare the Bejeezus Out of a Lifetime
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jul 19 23:11:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Trump's emergence threatens our paracausal arsenal!
— @loudpenitent
Tue Jul 19 23:08:39 +0000 2016
"Tough on Crime:" Trump Claims Credit for Arrest of Time-Traveling Swedish Detectives Wanted for Multiple Counts of Arson
Tue Jul 19 23:02:14 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE Aftermath: Time-Traveling Swedish Detectives Captured, Arrested for Arson After Time Travel Becomes Impossible
Tue Jul 19 22:53:29 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Welp, we're boned.
— @Pope_Norm
Tue Jul 19 22:21:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It's about time. Can we please have less obviously politically motivated harassment of such a clearly qualified candidate?
— @listelian
Tue Jul 19 22:21:45 +0000 2016
Sources: Thousands of Americans Added to "The List" in Wake of Trump Resurrection
Tue Jul 19 22:02:58 +0000 2016
Speaking in Monotone Unison, Eyes Rolled Back in Heads, Jury Acquits Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker of Conspiracy to Commit Mind Control
Tue Jul 19 21:53:27 +0000 2016
Sources: Approved News 5
REDACTED
https://t.co/0FFAM1jy2c
Tue Jul 19 21:39:08 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, MPAA Spokesthug Twirls Mustache, Kicks Puppy
Tue Jul 19 21:24:41 +0000 2016
In Effort to Promote "Free Speech," MPAA Announces New Campaign of Chaining Innocent Women to Train Tracks
Tue Jul 19 21:24:07 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Sorrowful Poem Scrawled on Rose Petals Found in Willamette Valley Implies Lands of Fairy Have "Withdrawn" from Earth
Tue Jul 19 21:14:28 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Trump Resurrection, Fairy Queen Could Not Be Found
Tue Jul 19 21:13:03 +0000 2016
In Wake of #GOPinCLE, Millions of Americans Report Sense of "Undefinable Loss," Bouts of Weeping
Tue Jul 19 21:12:32 +0000 2016
United Necromancers of the World Union Leader Paula West Dodges Question When Asked to Condemn Trump Resurrection, Drawing Controversy
Tue Jul 19 21:10:42 +0000 2016
@BlueSpaceCanary @ApprovedNews6 See this is what happens when you delegate to private charity what governments should do (e.g., suppression)
— @listelian
Tue Jul 19 21:08:53 +0000 2016
Here at CJBI, we believe that if we all just work together, anything is possible.
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:08:29 +0000 2016
remains. And we will forge our way through this night into a shining dawn beyond, wounded but alive, and stronger for it.
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:08:25 +0000 2016
International Charities takes it upon itself to right this wrong as best we can, and patch together our fraying world to preserve what
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:06:26 +0000 2016
The world can never be the same again. Not even Charles can rebuild what the Republican Party took away. But Charles J. Bloodhorn
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:06:16 +0000 2016
this great edifice. Here at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities, we weep to see what has been lost.
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:06:12 +0000 2016
to form this world we all live in. But today, the Republican Party, in a staggering act of partisan shortsighedness, took a sledgehammer to
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:06:07 +0000 2016
that has grown on the vine of the human spirit for generations upon generations: some for good, and some for ill, but these forces conspired
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:06:01 +0000 2016
a ritual whose consequences will be felt even by our grandchildren's grandchildren. Ours is a world of delicate balance, of intricate magic
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:05:55 +0000 2016
A truly great tragedy has occurred today. Motivated by selfish political aims, the Republican Party threw caution to the wind and undertook
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 19 21:05:51 +0000 2016
Pressed on Trump Resurrection, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Plays Solemn Note on Ancient Tambourine, Disappears Beneath Sudden Rain
Tue Jul 19 20:52:20 +0000 2016
Newslord 7 Takes to Twitter to Urge Viewers to Support Truthful, Approved News https://t.co/ugN4Q8lxUt
Tue Jul 19 20:50:05 +0000 2016
"This World Has Forever Changed:" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods, Seemingly Suddenly Smaller, Older, Departs for Forbidden Lands
Tue Jul 19 20:47:42 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn: "Mere Mortals Cannot Comprehend" Damage Done to "Ancient Magic of Reality" by Trump Resurrection
Tue Jul 19 20:45:36 +0000 2016
"I Will Yet Have The Claw:" Trump Vows To "Finish What I Should Have Long Ago"
Tue Jul 19 20:43:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ancient pacts that have so long given America an advantage in the screaming black voids of the spirit world.
— @loudpenitent
Tue Jul 19 20:39:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This will have a chilling effect on our nation's proud necromantic traditions. The neophytes of Blood, Sex and Death lack the
— @loudpenitent
Tue Jul 19 20:39:37 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Vows to Dedicate Its Resources to Repairing Universe, Delaying Iron Times
Tue Jul 19 20:35:52 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Help Approved News 6 Pretend Anything Will Ever Be All Right Again With A Simple Monthly Donation https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Tue Jul 19 20:33:08 +0000 2016
Republicans Rejoice As White House Confirms Dept. of Blood, Sex, & Death to Replace Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Tue Jul 19 20:31:07 +0000 2016
Sources: No New Dread Secretary to be Appointed, Remaining Responsibilities of DNMB to be Reallocated to Department of Blood, Sex, & Death
Tue Jul 19 20:28:20 +0000 2016
"Better To Suffer The Iron Times:" Obama Reports Old Forest's Demands for New Pact "Simply To Great To Bear"
Tue Jul 19 20:27:21 +0000 2016
"We Are Forsaken:" Obama Returns, Grim & Withdrawn, As Old Forest Forever Vanishes Behind Him
Tue Jul 19 20:26:51 +0000 2016
As Americans Await Outcome of Obama's Negotiations, Old Forest Once More Becomes Causally Unlinked From Physical Universe
Tue Jul 19 20:19:32 +0000 2016
As Americans Await Outcome of Obama's Negotiations, Old Forest Once More Becomes Causally Unlinked From Physical Universe
Tue Jul 19 20:19:32 +0000 2016
"A New Pact We Must Form, Ere the Iron Times Commence:" Obama Becomes First President Since Washington to Enter Old Forest Alone
Tue Jul 19 20:18:31 +0000 2016
Empty Corpse of Dread Secretary of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Drifts Out of Old Forest Down River of All Regret
Tue Jul 19 20:18:04 +0000 2016
Visibly Shaking, Obama Reports Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Has Been Declared in Default of Pact of the Old Forest
Tue Jul 19 20:16:45 +0000 2016
GOP Sources Report Trump Now "More Powerful Than Ever," Kills Lesser Wildlife With Mere Presence
Tue Jul 19 20:15:08 +0000 2016
"I'm Back, Baby:" Newly Resurrected Donald Trump Issues First Statement to Press #GOPinCLE
Tue Jul 19 20:11:21 +0000 2016
"They Would Shake This Earth Loose From Its Perilous Perch:" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Condemns Trump Resurrection
Tue Jul 19 20:10:08 +0000 2016
Dread Secretary of Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Enters Old Forest with Raucous, Shrieking Cohort
Tue Jul 19 20:09:04 +0000 2016
LAST LAUGH FOR #BREXIT? Eternal Queen Desdemona I of Britain Reportendly "Considering" Plan to Teleport UK Into Low Earth Orbit #GOPinCLE
Tue Jul 19 20:07:06 +0000 2016
"I Am Without Words:" Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange, Deathly Pale, Refuses to Comment on Trump Resurrection
Tue Jul 19 20:04:58 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Earthquakes Shake Western US; Sun Dims Visibly
Tue Jul 19 20:03:10 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Border Defenses Falter, Briefly Allowing Onrushing Darkness From What Was Once Canada to Enter US
Tue Jul 19 20:02:37 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Buzzards Seen Circling as Blast Wave Hits D.C.
Tue Jul 19 20:00:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Reports confirmed. God help us.
— @loudpenitent
Tue Jul 19 19:59:31 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Obama Declares State of Emergency, Dispatches Emergency Contingent to Old Forest "To Repair What Can Still Be Repaired"
Tue Jul 19 19:59:28 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Tsunami Batters East Coast as Full Cost of Trump Resurrection Begins to Become Clear
Tue Jul 19 19:58:20 +0000 2016
In Wake of Seemingly Successful Resurrection of Donald Trump, Regions Throughout Europe Found Devoid of Life
Tue Jul 19 19:57:17 +0000 2016
"We Were Too Late:" Clinton & Sanders, Visibly Shaking, Retreat from Cleveland, Their Mighty Armies Dispersing
Tue Jul 19 19:56:30 +0000 2016
BREAKING NEWS FROM #GOPinCLE: Convention Center Obliterated by Magnitude 9 Earthquake as Donald Trump, Howling With Mad Laughter, Arises
Tue Jul 19 19:54:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 We can only pray that Bloodhorn returns from Turkey in time to save us all. We have days, maybe hours remaining otherwise.
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue Jul 19 19:52:40 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Clinton, Sanders Break Through GOP Defenses, Rush Towards Convention Center, Their Mighty Armies Howling in Terror
Tue Jul 19 19:51:35 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Figure Described Only As "Yooge" Begins to Coalesce in Flames of Convention Center Ritual Pit
Tue Jul 19 19:50:49 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Witnesses Report Shaft of "Foul Yellow Light" Stretching From Convention Center Away Into Darkened Sky
Tue Jul 19 19:49:38 +0000 2016
"I Give Myself For Your Glory:" Gov. Mike Pence (R-IN) Strips Naked, Throws Self into Sulfurous Pit of Roaring Flames #GOPinCLE
Tue Jul 19 19:48:37 +0000 2016
Sanders, Atop Majestic Elk & Followed by Thousands of Forest Animals, Joins Clinton's Assault on Cleveland
Tue Jul 19 19:46:08 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Clinton's Army of Underbeasts Surfaces Near Convention Center, Assails GOP Defenses
Tue Jul 19 19:45:22 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Acting As One, Celebrants of Yellow Defiler Slit Own Throats, Tumble Forward into Burning Pit as Chanting Reaches Crescendo
Tue Jul 19 19:44:46 +0000 2016
"A Fitting End:" Ohioans Celebrate Violent End of "Lame," "Annoying" Ohio Bone Cult
Tue Jul 19 19:43:56 +0000 2016
"You're An Embarassment To The Vengeful Occult Community:" Enraged Celebrants of Yellow Defiler Throw Ohio Bone Cultists into Burning Pit
Tue Jul 19 19:41:05 +0000 2016
"We Will Totally Sacrifice Them To An Awful Dark God Of Super Evil," "There Is Nothing You Can Do About it:" Ohio Bone Cult Issues Statement
Tue Jul 19 19:39:53 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Ohio Bone Cult Interrupts #GOPinCLE Opening Ritual; Takes Hostages
Tue Jul 19 19:39:41 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Men in Grotesque Animal Masks Set Pit of Eerily Silent Children Alight With Sulfurous Yellow Flame
Tue Jul 19 19:34:51 +0000 2016
Shrieking, Clinton Summons Army of Ferocious Underbeasts, Burrows Into Earth in Direction of Cleveland
Tue Jul 19 19:32:45 +0000 2016
Single Frame of Bernie Sanders With Expression of Abject Terror Briefly Replaces All Video Feeds in Northern Hemisphere
Tue Jul 19 19:31:49 +0000 2016
BREAKING NEWS FROM #GOPinCLE: Sun, Moon Vanish from Sky Above Cleveland, Leaving Behind Only Strange Stars
Tue Jul 19 19:29:43 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Hairless, Emaciated Figures Pouring Buckets of Oil Into Convention Center Ritual Pit Filled With Eerily Silent Children
Tue Jul 19 19:28:08 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Convention Attendees Overcome With Chanting Sickness as Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler Begin Ceremonial Bloodletting
Tue Jul 19 19:26:13 +0000 2016
#GOPinCLE: Figures in Hazmat Suits Lead Eerily Silent Children Into Deep Pit in Convention Center Floor
Tue Jul 19 19:24:05 +0000 2016
"The Yellow Defiler Will Live Again:" Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler Lead Opening Ritual for GOP Convention in Cleveland
Tue Jul 19 19:21:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/7t8T5gVfWO
— @rabcyr
Tue Jul 19 17:19:43 +0000 2016
Obama's Nominee for Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death, Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker, Arrested for Conspiracy to Commit Mind Control
Tue Jul 19 16:35:58 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on "Exact Replicas" Seen in Cleveland, Obama Lifted Bodily, Carried Away by Secret Service Agents with Fake Mustaches
Tue Jul 19 08:19:20 +0000 2016
Dozens of Figures Identical in Every Way to President Obama Seen Standing Silently, Unmoving, Unbreathing on Cleveland Rooftops
Tue Jul 19 08:17:36 +0000 2016
Bone Oracles Warn Stars Above Cleveland "Aligned In Such A Way As Has Not Been Seen Since The Before Times"
Tue Jul 19 08:16:01 +0000 2016
THE EVENT: Cleveland-Based Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler Reportedly "Working Closely" With GOP Operatives
Tue Jul 19 08:14:03 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Ohio Bone Cult Leader Menaces Reporter with Spiked Femur, Trips on Own Cape
Tue Jul 19 08:10:50 +0000 2016
"They're So Harmless We're Probably Safer With Them Here:" Convention Center Security Permits Ohio Bone Cult Entry into Cleveland
Tue Jul 19 08:06:50 +0000 2016
In Surprise Move, Ohio Bone Cult Demands Entry to Cleveland, Threatens to "Summon The Darkest Darkness," "Bring A Thousand Awful Dooms"
Tue Jul 19 08:06:06 +0000 2016
Cleveland Sources Report All Residents "Penned In" By Electrified Fences; Figures in Hazmat Suits Herding Children Towards Convention Center
Tue Jul 19 07:54:10 +0000 2016
GOP: Cleveland Will Soon Experience "The Event"
Tue Jul 19 07:50:49 +0000 2016
Generalissimo Francisco Rivera of Canyon Sands Neighborhood Association: "The French Aggressors Will Not Disrupt" Annual Church Bake Sale
Tue Jul 19 07:49:12 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Canyon Sands Neighborhood Association Scrambles Fighter Jets After French Bombers Sighted
Tue Jul 19 07:46:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "It's nice to know we're getting both visibility and compliance" says DHS spokesbeing
— @Chirurgic
Mon Jul 18 21:49:04 +0000 2016
DHS "If You See Something, Slay Something" Campaign Comes Under Fire From Activists
Mon Jul 18 21:43:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 TV cop: Don't do the Spacecrime, if you can't do the Spacetime.
— @toddderscheid
Mon Jul 18 19:58:05 +0000 2016
California Woman Arrested for Spacecrime
Mon Jul 18 18:58:45 +0000 2016
William Shakespeare Resurrection Society Blames "Bureaucratic Snafu" After Accidentally Resurrecting Sir Francis Bacon
Mon Jul 18 18:06:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This would be a good time to remember that the Black Order has always had acausal engines focused on CS infrastructure.
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Mon Jul 18 17:48:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/bFiQduQeTJ
— @rabcyr
Mon Jul 18 17:47:59 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Asked for a response, French officials reply with incoherent words in funny accents
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Jul 18 17:47:37 +0000 2016
Obama Continues to Dodge Questions About "Government Sex Facilities"
Mon Jul 18 07:50:47 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Generalissimo Francisco Rivera of Canyon Sands Neighborhood Association Vows to "Destroy France" in "Nuclear Hellfire"
Mon Jul 18 07:46:47 +0000 2016
France Declares War on Canyon Sands Neighborhood Association
Mon Jul 18 07:27:17 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Talk to Your Children About Powerful Amulets - Before Someone Else Does
Mon Jul 18 05:15:30 +0000 2016
Speaking to Reporters, Obama Assures Americans Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals To Remain "Sole Liaison" With Old Forest
Mon Jul 18 04:34:20 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Unapproved News Sources May Cause Contamination, Should Not Be Spoken of Near Children, Lesser Rodents https://t.co/XMMs2hlihN
Mon Jul 18 04:31:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Obama Nominates Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker as First Federal Secretary of Blood, Sex, & Death
Mon Jul 18 04:30:26 +0000 2016
DNMB's Responsibilities to be "Reviewed," Split with New DBSD
Mon Jul 18 04:24:42 +0000 2016
Dems, GOP Reach Compromise, Agree to Create Federal Dept. of Blood, Sex, & Death Alongside Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Mon Jul 18 04:23:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 typical politician being evasive over being involved with a controversial group
— @President_Ark
Mon Jul 18 04:21:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @velartrill "It's our civic duty to provide a blood sacrifice in exchange for the news" say all citizens in unison
— @Menenyay
Mon Jul 18 04:21:04 +0000 2016
Clinton Reacts to Endorsement from Bloated Church of the Humaniform Worm by Hissing Twice, Diving Into River Which Then Turned Dark as Night
Mon Jul 18 04:19:49 +0000 2016
Newslord 7 Issues Ominous Proclamation https://t.co/m9t5wHFeQH
Mon Jul 18 04:17:00 +0000 2016
A real shock. Bloated Church of the Humaniform Worm has endorsed the Green candidate each cycle since 1988. https://t.co/a9hEuFZHi3
— @haircut_hippie
Mon Jul 18 04:14:49 +0000 2016
In Surprise Move, Bloated Church of the Humaniform Worm Endorses Clinton
Mon Jul 18 04:07:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well, she's not an honors student, so fingers crossed! Got to get the attention of the Ivy League somehow, right?
— @Chirurgic
Sun Jul 17 23:12:43 +0000 2016
Could YOUR Teen be Secretly Enthralled to an Amulet of Unending Slaughter? It's More Likely Than You Think!
Sun Jul 17 23:09:55 +0000 2016
Amnesty International spokeswoman: “I'm not lovin' it” https://t.co/Z1miK7UmHa
— @rabcyr
Sun Jul 17 18:00:13 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Salted *just* right with genuine orphans' tears!
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 17 17:40:53 +0000 2016
McDonald's New "Execution Style" Burgers & Fries Draw Rave Reviews, Humanitarian Outcry
Sun Jul 17 17:35:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 - The leviathan of the water, deceased, seeks to return to the land - https://t.co/vMW6RHraVh
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Sun Jul 17 17:16:41 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Microsoft reportedly goes to DefCon 2, arms nuclear deterrents
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Jul 17 17:14:59 +0000 2016
Apple Files Patent for "Cyberhell"
Sun Jul 17 07:46:36 +0000 2016
Experts: https://t.co/lRpmKnqllY
Sun Jul 17 00:08:42 +0000 2016
"There Is Only Bees:" Clad Only in Animal Furs, Secretary of Defense Issues Cryptic Pronouncement
Sun Jul 17 00:06:58 +0000 2016
Crobzar the Eviscerator, Bringer of Despair & Lord of the Iron Fist, Reportedly "Pleased as Punch" by Mathematical Disproof of A Loving God
Sat Jul 16 02:48:13 +0000 2016
"We Are Terribly Afraid of What She Might Do Next:" Grant Committee Reverses Decision in Attempt to Avoid Professor's Wrath
Sat Jul 16 02:45:30 +0000 2016
After Being Denied Grant, Disgruntled Professor Mathematically Disproves Existence of A Loving God
Sat Jul 16 01:12:05 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Papal Engineering Builds World's First Sin-Powered Computer
Fri Jul 15 23:52:40 +0000 2016
Virginia-Based Developer Announces Plans to Build "Luxury Condos" Atop Ruins of New York City
Fri Jul 15 23:51:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Typical. Republicans have no respect for the proper sciences. They only wish to live in hedonistic bliss.
— @Nudhul
Fri Jul 15 22:34:06 +0000 2016
As Deputy Vice Executive Offerer of Unsolicited Opinions of the Avian Empire I find this regressive & will surely re https://t.co/qPx8alZL74
— @caurinus
Fri Jul 15 22:32:01 +0000 2016
Bloodhorn Vows to Establish "Outreach to At-Risk Youth," Fuel His Vast Engines of War with Blood, Sweat, & Tears of Turkish Citizens
Fri Jul 15 22:06:24 +0000 2016
Analysts: Charles J. Bloodhorn International "First Charitable Organization in History" to Rule Multiple Nations with Iron Fist
Fri Jul 15 22:01:36 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Overthrows Government of Turkey
Fri Jul 15 22:00:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Neat trick. That last nail is a doozy.
— @munin
Fri Jul 15 21:55:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 that's a tricky one, especially the third nail
— @Chirurgic
Fri Jul 15 21:55:00 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on "Space Hell" Patent, Microsoft Spokesman Recites Sevenfold Names of the Fallen, Crucifies Self
Fri Jul 15 21:53:37 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Saw it, really nailed the decomposing-corpse look I must say
— @JuEeHa
Fri Jul 15 21:49:32 +0000 2016
Ghost of Harry Truman Announces TED Talk
Fri Jul 15 21:32:53 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Oh get over it, Cato Institute! Remember when President Carter's ghost dance wiped out half of Montana?! Let's not repeat!
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Jul 15 20:33:57 +0000 2016
"Actions Speak Louder Than Words:" Cato Institute Calls on Obama to Replace Press Conferences with Interpretive Dance
Fri Jul 15 20:12:32 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Dread Secretary Shrouds Reporter in Tattered Cloak as Both Disappear Into Midday Night Sky
Fri Jul 15 20:10:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 listen, they can use the old names and change the order if they want, so long as it provides the same vital services
— @Chirurgic
Fri Jul 15 20:08:26 +0000 2016
Republicans Push to Replace Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals with Department of Blood, Sex, and Death
Fri Jul 15 20:04:22 +0000 2016
Dog in Suit Arrested for Impersonating Donald Trump
Fri Jul 15 19:58:33 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 This is why we're going to build a Wall Of Nightmare Blades on the border and to make the Howlers On The Ice pay for it!
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Jul 15 17:37:39 +0000 2016
RELATED: Microsoft's Nuclear Arsenal Comes Under Scrutiny for "Lackluster" Security
Fri Jul 15 06:50:03 +0000 2016
Whooping and Howling, Drawn by Scent of Tax Litigation, Lawghouls Converge on Redmond
Fri Jul 15 06:40:51 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I just saw Bill Gates in dark robes riding a skeletal horse towards the 9th Circuit Court building in San Francisco...
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri Jul 15 06:34:16 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Curses Reporters to Dance Selves to Death Beneath Light of Full Moon
Fri Jul 15 06:32:40 +0000 2016
"She Doesn't Even Exist:" Pundits Accuse Fairy Queen of "Bias"
Fri Jul 15 06:30:02 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Fairy Queen Files Amicus Brief in Support of Enslaved Canadian Refugees
Fri Jul 15 06:29:37 +0000 2016
Microsoft Denies Wrongdoing: Canadian Refugees "Legally Nonexistent," "Party to No Law"
Fri Jul 15 06:28:43 +0000 2016
IRS To Investigate Microsoft on Charges of Dodging Slave Taxes
Fri Jul 15 06:25:35 +0000 2016
Confronted by Reporters, Microsoft Admits to "Long-Standing" Policy of Kidnapping, Enslaving Canadian Refugees
Fri Jul 15 06:24:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It wont be enough, and why should they trust her anyway?
— @formercrsc
Fri Jul 15 06:20:58 +0000 2016
Facing "Total War" with Penguins, South Florida President Mary Winthrop Mulls "Temporary Truce, Alliance" With Alligators
Fri Jul 15 06:16:49 +0000 2016
Antarctic Penguin Empire Declares "Holy War" Against South Florida
Fri Jul 15 05:46:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 is this news approved? https://t.co/Vo5UlGNLuD
— @caurinus
Fri Jul 15 04:25:42 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Press Secretary's Surprise Resignation, Obama Silently Unfurls Tattered Black Flag Upon Pole of Human Bone
Thu Jul 14 19:33:21 +0000 2016
"The Voices Mock Me As I Slumber;" "No More Can I Withstand This Torment:" White House Press Secretary Suddenly Resigns
Thu Jul 14 19:32:32 +0000 2016
Experts: "Momentous" Advance in Ritual Particle Physics Could Soon Make Epic Necromantic Rites "Accessible to Everyone"
Thu Jul 14 06:27:30 +0000 2016
Physicists Successfully Integrate Particle Accelerator Into Epic Necromantic Ritual
Thu Jul 14 05:30:20 +0000 2016
Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker's New Book "Step 1: Profit" Receives Rave Reviews from Crime Community
Thu Jul 14 00:48:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/AIZ2GO8tZP
— @jleedev
Wed Jul 13 21:24:52 +0000 2016
OPINION:
America Must Address Its Growing Shortage of Wise Sea Captains with Mysterious Pasts
Wed Jul 13 01:27:28 +0000 2016
Pressed on Foreign Policy, Clinton Vows to Build "Dread Machine" From "Bones of a Thousand Orphans"
Wed Jul 13 01:26:57 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Otherworldly Presence Possessing Necromancers at Grand Canyon Identifies Self as "Banksy," Claims Credit for Corpses
Wed Jul 13 00:22:41 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Necromancers Called In to Interrogate Corpses Found in Grand Canyon Become Possessed by Otherworldly Presence
Wed Jul 13 00:21:55 +0000 2016
Shakespeare Resurrection Society Denies Involvement https://t.co/zBUQDUcC58
Wed Jul 13 00:20:41 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Extremely Excitable Parakeet
Wed Jul 13 00:18:30 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Each Corpse "Elaborately Tattooed" with "Stylized Scenes" from Hamlet, Macbeth
Wed Jul 13 00:17:29 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Naked, Perfectly-Preserved, Genetically-Identical Corpses Found in Grand Canyon
Wed Jul 13 00:15:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5Z9Auh3B89
— @khymchanur
Tue Jul 12 18:49:26 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Cultists Discover Invocation Rite Ending in "Thanks, Obama"
Tue Jul 12 01:50:14 +0000 2016
@joe_no_body @ApprovedNews6 yeah, if anyone's gonna fund cybernado research, it WON'T be Obama. Now, Robo-Obama, or Robama...
— @70_million
Tue Jul 12 01:42:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 why isn't FEMA directing enough funding to prevent cybernados? thanks Obama
— @joe_no_body
Tue Jul 12 01:21:42 +0000 2016
Experts: https://t.co/tqDXwEYonF
Tue Jul 12 01:10:43 +0000 2016
With Unprecedented Data Rate of 2TB/s, Cybernado Causes Millions of Dollars in Damage, Destroys Hundreds of Websites
Tue Jul 12 01:01:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 *pulls out wallet* Imma finally figure out who the fuck is buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
— @PithyOrNot
Tue Jul 12 00:03:45 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Jefferson Memorial purchased by Nepal and moved to summit of Mt. Everest in anticipation of "The Event"
— @Pope_Norm
Tue Jul 12 00:02:34 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of Interior Climbs Frantically Aboard Black Helicopter, Departs as Low Rumbling Begins in Distance
Mon Jul 11 23:54:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 No refunds
— @formercrsc
Mon Jul 11 23:52:35 +0000 2016
"Everything Must Go:" Visibly Nervous Secretary of Interior Announces "Clearance Sale" for All National Monuments
Mon Jul 11 23:51:15 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Sources Reveal Possible Secret Alligator Summoning Circle Maintained By Orange Vested Sewermancers https://t.co/D6RyoOuwJl
— @caurinus
Mon Jul 11 23:10:32 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 wants you to relocate to the "Bay Area". It's still there. We're PRETTY sure. https://t.co/CxW9p8ZRYh
— @trochee
Mon Jul 11 22:59:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "you can't run, and we can't hide"
— @trochee
Mon Jul 11 07:08:53 +0000 2016
"This Is The 21st Century:" DNC To Consider Abolishing Delegates' Powers of Flight, Clairvoyance
Mon Jul 11 07:03:10 +0000 2016
Sen. Luciphage's "All The Earth A Frozen Grave" Act Criticized as "Unrealistic"
Mon Jul 11 06:51:30 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Outlaws Mars
Mon Jul 11 06:48:59 +0000 2016
New Study Indicates Best Defense Against Thoughtroaches "Overwhelming Stupidity"
Mon Jul 11 06:48:35 +0000 2016
Sen. Thanaton Luciphage (💀-CA) Sponsors Bill to "Chill This Dying Earth To Its Very Core," "Let All That Is Green Wither And Die"
Mon Jul 11 06:47:25 +0000 2016
Seven Gods Recalled After Discovery of "Serious Flaws" in Manufacturing Process
Mon Jul 11 06:46:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Wouldn't be surprised by a follow-up endorsement from the Rear Admiral of Inadvisable Maneuvers.
— @CapnSweet
Mon Jul 11 06:45:00 +0000 2016
Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker to Join Hillary Campaign as Crime Advisor
Mon Jul 11 06:44:31 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on 2016 Election, Time-Traveling Swedish Detectives Set Fire to Newsroom, Disappear Into Distant Future
Mon Jul 11 06:43:32 +0000 2016
"There is No Such Thing As Vice President:" Clinton Denies Rumors of Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Specter of the Nameless Realm, as VP Pick
Mon Jul 11 06:42:14 +0000 2016
EXCLUSIVE: We Interview She Who Throttles The Dawn Tomorrow Night at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Jul 11 06:40:30 +0000 2016
Massachusetts Leviathan Caught in Sex Tape Scandal
Mon Jul 11 06:39:37 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Endorses Brexit
Mon Jul 11 06:39:00 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Nowhere to be Found, Save For Distant, Knowing Laughter in the Wind
Mon Jul 11 06:36:34 +0000 2016
Simone Andrews XXIII Dismisses Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods' Concerns: "That Old Hag Has Spent Years Trying to Undermine CloneWatch"
Mon Jul 11 06:33:56 +0000 2016
"Do Any Of Us Truly Know What These Simone Andrewses Are?" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Warns Against "Jumping to Conclusions"
Mon Jul 11 06:32:46 +0000 2016
Simone Andrews XXIII: "The Growing Legions of Simone Andrews Clones are an Existential Threat to Our Beloved Nation"
Mon Jul 11 06:31:05 +0000 2016
CloneWatch Director Simone Andrews XXIII Calls for CloneWatch, Americans for Traditional Torments to "Work Together" Against Clone Threat
Mon Jul 11 06:29:50 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
As Simone Andrews XXVI Plummets from Skyscraper, Marissa Ekundayo Expected to Remain Leader of Americans for Traditional Torments
Mon Jul 11 06:28:07 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Simone Andrews XXVI Knocks News Helicopter From Sky With Carefully-Thrown Dagger
Mon Jul 11 06:26:58 +0000 2016
"No More Shall These Grasping Clones Defile Our Nation's Greatest Institutions:" Ekundayo Vows to Defend Own Office "With
Her
Very Life"
Mon Jul 11 06:26:16 +0000 2016
Marissa Ekundayo, Simone Andrews XXVI Seen Knife-Fighting Atop Skyscraper for Leadership of Houston-Based Americans for Traditional Torments
Mon Jul 11 06:24:30 +0000 2016
Seven Trump Supporters Arrested After Failed Attempt to Steal "The Claw"
Mon Jul 11 06:19:43 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Settles PepsiCo Lawsuit by Devouring Entire Company
Mon Jul 11 06:18:36 +0000 2016
Apple Announces Plan to Outsource New iPhone Production to the Great Minnesota Steamworks, Sparking Anger From Families of Those Taken
Mon Jul 11 06:16:21 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Decline of News Industry, Hundreds of Bloggers Scream For Naught As Life Crushed Mercilessly From Their Lungs
Mon Jul 11 06:15:00 +0000 2016
"It Was Only a Matter of Time:" Long-Standing Security Flaw in Popular Model of Horse Leads to Disastrous Stampede
Mon Jul 11 06:12:19 +0000 2016
"Get In The Crime Hole:" FBI Announces New Motto
Mon Jul 11 06:10:30 +0000 2016
Rumors from Within Joint Christmas Defense Force Suggest "Worryingly" High Levels of Activity at North Pole
Mon Jul 11 06:08:00 +0000 2016
Senate Votes to Create New Federal Department of Bears to "Streamline" Future Responses to April Fools
Mon Jul 11 06:05:54 +0000 2016
Speaking from Atop Dilapidated Presidential Apartment, President Winthrop Hurls Several Rare & Venomous Snakes Into Crowd of Protestors
Mon Jul 11 06:04:56 +0000 2016
Hundreds Gather in South Florida to Protest President Mary Winthrop's "Unjustifiable" Cocaine Tax
Mon Jul 11 06:04:18 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Retweeting Pleas for Viewer Support Without Making Even the Smallest Contribution May Bring Down the Wrath of the News Gods
Mon Jul 11 06:03:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 local advertisement https://t.co/LXHY1xygeQ
— @mcclure111
Mon Jul 11 06:01:08 +0000 2016
Microsoft's "Space Hell" Patent Raises Concerns in Open Source Community
Mon Jul 11 05:59:56 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Do Not Donate To Approved News 6 Will Be Added To "The List" https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:58:44 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Donate $7/Month Will Ascend Beatifically into the Sky, & Discover the Terrible Truth Beyond https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:56:59 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Donate $6/Month Will Be
REDACTED
by [REDACTED] For Purposes of [REDACTED] https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:55:48 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
No Viewer Can Donate Just $5/Month, as the Number 5 is a Clever Lie, & Does Not Exist
Mon Jul 11 05:54:35 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Donate $4/Month May Be Chemically Preserved For Future News Scientists to Meticulously Dissect https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:53:48 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Donate $3/Month May Discover the Truth Behind the Eerie Sounds From Beneath Their Garden https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:52:41 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Viewers Who Donate $2/Month May Be Subject to Invasive Brain Control Surgery by Shadowy Forces at Any Time https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:51:44 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Protect Yourselves From the Ravening Maws of the News Hounds With A Donation As Low As $1 Per Month https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:50:32 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Current Levels of Viewer Funding Are Unsustainable & May Lead to Axe Disease, Shark Vision, & Measles https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:49:10 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
The Newslords Can Afford to Spend Their Valuable Time Reporting The News Only Because of Viewers Like You https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 11 05:47:29 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Obama Dons Fake Mustache, Eyeglasses, Denies Own Identity in Exaggerated French Accident
Mon Jul 11 03:59:23 +0000 2016
Obama Makes Emergency Nationwide Broadcast to Announce "Everything Is Perfectly Fine"
Mon Jul 11 03:58:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Quarts of rich, viscous citizenship juice collected from Senator Perdue's self-inflicted wounds; hundred anointed
— @Chirurgic
Mon Jul 11 02:11:02 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sen. Perdue Begins Frantically Gnawing on Own Arm
Mon Jul 11 01:53:47 +0000 2016
Sen. David Perdue (R-GA): Solution to Illegal Immigration "Self-Cannibalism"
Mon Jul 11 01:44:13 +0000 2016
McDonald's Policy of Putting C4 in Kids' Meals Linked to Esoteric Christian Order Calling for "Megaton-Yield Offspring"
Sun Jul 10 22:15:54 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Surviving Apollo Astronauts Respond To News: "No One Told Us"; "Where The Heck Did We Go?"
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Jul 10 22:15:18 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Surviving Apollo Astronauts Respond To News: "No One Told Us"; "Where The Heck Did We Go?"
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Jul 10 22:15:18 +0000 2016
"We Are Making Your Children More Powerful:" McDonald's CEO Scolds "Ungrateful" Parents for Criticizing Plastic Explosives in Kids' Meals
Sun Jul 10 22:12:21 +0000 2016
Pressed on Presence of C4 in Children's Meals, McDonald's Spokesman Violently Explodes
Sun Jul 10 20:17:29 +0000 2016
"They Will Not Be Missed:" Speaking to Press, Elon Musk Characterizes NASA Administrators as "Devious Whispers From the Hole in the World"
Sun Jul 10 20:13:24 +0000 2016
Pressed on Future of Agency, NASA Director Climbs Impossibly Long Rope, Disappears Into Sky
Sun Jul 10 20:09:24 +0000 2016
"Space Does Not Exist:" NASA Calls Urgent Press Conference
Sun Jul 10 20:07:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Plastic explosives are a choking hazard.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 10 20:06:15 +0000 2016
McDonald's Criticized for Adding Plastic Explosives to Children's Meals
Sun Jul 10 18:09:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: https://t.co/RguUvrc84Q
— @khymchanur
Sun Jul 10 18:08:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/S0fJQ4OdV7
— @JuEeHa
Sun Jul 10 16:09:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/vfC7hHaALD
— @khymchanur
Sun Jul 10 02:33:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @Pope_Norm wear the rainbow sun and ensuing organ failure with pride
— @caurinus
Sun Jul 10 01:18:40 +0000 2016
American Tree-Punching League Endorses Clinton
Sun Jul 10 01:13:16 +0000 2016
One must be watchful of the Military-Amphibian Complex at all times. https://t.co/PoF6j1MRBT
— @mletterle
Sat Jul 09 23:12:33 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Yellow-Eyed DARPA Spokesman Issues Wrathful Proclamation in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders
Sat Jul 09 22:35:20 +0000 2016
DARPA "Lazards" Escape Lizard Breeding Facility, Begin Assaulting Innocents With Laser Vision
Sat Jul 09 22:31:31 +0000 2016
"We're All Very Touched by This Show of Support:" LGBT Leaders Issue Statement Before Hospitalization for Massive Radiation Burns
Sat Jul 09 22:26:56 +0000 2016
Sun Cycles Emissions Rapidly Through Electromagnetic Spectrum in Show of "Solidarity" With Queer Community, Horribly Irradiates Millions
Sat Jul 09 22:25:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Relationship advice https://t.co/5ypUMnK2AZ
— @JuEeHa
Sat Jul 09 21:58:19 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 off air for nearly 24 hours, igniting spiraling chaos; hoard of Dread Salamanders suspected
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Jul 09 21:58:03 +0000 2016
@mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6 I mean, they can't possibly get that patent anyway, since Python already exists.
— @rarabunnerz
Sat Jul 09 00:59:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 look, a lot of these corporations just patent any idea they come up with, this doesn't actually mean it's under development
— @mcclure111
Sat Jul 09 00:59:29 +0000 2016
Microsoft Files Patent for "Space Hell"
Sat Jul 09 00:46:43 +0000 2016
"We're Putting the Christ Back in Christmas:" Theologians Found With Corpse of Jesus of Nazareth, Wood Chipper Speak Out in Own Defense
Sat Jul 09 00:40:47 +0000 2016
9 out of 10 Dentists "Should Turn Themselves In Immediately:" "You're Only Making This Harder On Yourselves," Say Sources
Sat Jul 09 00:32:05 +0000 2016
"'Senator' Is A Slur:" New Campaign Seeks to End "Widespread Discrimination" Against Nation's Highest Officials
Sat Jul 09 00:19:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Meanwhile we still cannot purchase silver bullets because most of Sen. Johnson's campaign money came from I. M. K. Neyn & Co.
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Jul 08 23:51:39 +0000 2016
Republicans Vow to Stop Bill Banning the Recently Dead From Purchasing Firearms
Fri Jul 08 20:08:36 +0000 2016
Bill Before Senate Would Ban the Recently Dead From Purchasing Firearms
Fri Jul 08 08:59:24 +0000 2016
Alabama Criminalizes "Axe Evasion"
Fri Jul 08 08:52:14 +0000 2016
Mischievous Forest Spirits "Prime Suspects" in Drive-By Shooting
Fri Jul 08 06:53:49 +0000 2016
More Organizations Every Week Being "Quietly Taken Over" by Simone Andrews Clones, Warns CloneWatch Director Simone Andrews XXIII
Fri Jul 08 04:32:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 In other news, reports are coming in that the mail can no longer be stopped by weather conditions or small arms fire
— @Chirurgic
Fri Jul 08 04:30:03 +0000 2016
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, BRINGING OUT THE HARNESS OF WRITHING TORMENTS, THE NETS OF RAVENOUS SHADOWS, GOTTA CATCH EM ALL THEY CROON EAGERLY
— @hottestsingles
Fri Jul 08 04:26:03 +0000 2016
DARPA Invincibility Serum "Lost In Mail," Admit Embarrassed Administrators
Fri Jul 08 04:00:42 +0000 2016
Four Blogging Victims Rescued from Wreckage of Huffington Post
Fri Jul 08 03:54:15 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 That's because she doesn't want to admit that astroturf is made from the skins of the Unwanted. The ATPL is a powerful lobby
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Jul 08 02:23:19 +0000 2016
Documentary on Lives Claimed by Cognitohazards Claims Thousands of Lives
Fri Jul 08 02:22:26 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Emergency Press Conference to Announce "The Situation Has Been Dealt With," Stare Suspiciously at Reporters for 7 Minutes
Thu Jul 07 23:26:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 10th dentist could not be found for comment
— @uncreativecat
Thu Jul 07 23:25:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 9 out of 10 dentists insist "there is absolutely nothing to worry about"
— @uncreativecat
Thu Jul 07 23:25:16 +0000 2016
White Man Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor for Arguing With Idiots on Twitter
Thu Jul 07 23:24:00 +0000 2016
Doctors Warn of "Impending Dental Apocalypse"
Thu Jul 07 23:21:41 +0000 2016
Seven Convicted Bone Heretics Escape Supermax Prison
Thu Jul 07 23:14:57 +0000 2016
American Tree-Punching League Director Simone Andrews XXI Refuses to Comment on Astroturf Allegations
Thu Jul 07 22:44:10 +0000 2016
"Astroturf at its Worst:" Oregon Anti-Tree Protest Revealed to be Funded by American Tree-Punching League
Thu Jul 07 22:42:16 +0000 2016
"Enough is Enough:" Activists Stage March Through Deschutes National Forest to Protest Existence of Trees
Thu Jul 07 22:37:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Pshh, cynical Machinist pandering. It was only last month she was begging Shoel to eat the world.
— @Samuelmeadows33
Thu Jul 07 22:30:00 +0000 2016
Fungus Worship Scandal Rocks Nevada Democratic Party
Thu Jul 07 22:18:33 +0000 2016
Latest Failed Attempt to Resurrect Trump Through Epic Necromantic Rite Sinks Corpus Christi
Thu Jul 07 22:16:47 +0000 2016
"No God But The Machine:" Clinton Unveils New Campaign Slogan
Thu Jul 07 22:15:19 +0000 2016
UK: Government Insiders Report "Growing Tension" Between Eternal Queen Desdemona I, Cabinet Full of Shadows
Thu Jul 07 22:11:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There is nothing to worry about. That is just the MIT basketball team. They are doing basketball there.
— @pvlstaven
Thu Jul 07 22:10:17 +0000 2016
Eternal Council of Newslords to Gather in Iceland for Annual Secret Convention
Thu Jul 07 22:09:11 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 REGIONAL: {Chattanooga, TN} Survivors of Atlanta massacre flee north only to fall into Speed Trap set up by mating Chatt PD.
— @Pope_Norm
Thu Jul 07 21:55:54 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Contributions for
REDACTED
, [REDACTED], & [REDACTED] https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Thu Jul 07 21:52:39 +0000 2016
It's true. All over the local stations here https://t.co/h8IvySx6uG
— @Greg_Sideyr
Thu Jul 07 21:51:41 +0000 2016
Police Commissioner Reminds Public That Police in Mating Frenzy May Lose Ability to Distinguish Minorities from Productive Citizens
Thu Jul 07 21:49:56 +0000 2016
Atlanta, GA: Delegation of Concerned Parents Devoured by Police in Mating Frenzy
Thu Jul 07 21:48:11 +0000 2016
Chicago Locals Report Eerily Tall Figures in Lab Coats, Gas Masks Loading "IndestructiBug" Corpses Into Windowless White Vans
Thu Jul 07 21:41:23 +0000 2016
"Quiet, You Fools, The Beast Will Hear You:" MIT Spokesman, Hiding Under Table, Refuses to Apologize for "IndestructiBug" Rampage
Thu Jul 07 21:39:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @medicmsh3141 She spent her entire life on the south side. No bugs were gonna get her.
— @crimsonruari
Thu Jul 07 21:39:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Chicago Local Patricia Watkins, 94, Arrested for Establishing Eternal Blood Empire Without Permit
Thu Jul 07 21:35:51 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Patricia Watkins, Laughing Madly, Incinerates Dozens of Reporters, Declares "Eternal Blood Empire"
Thu Jul 07 21:35:21 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
MIT-Bred "IndestructiBugs" Rampaging Across Chicago Singlehandedly Wiped Out by Local Woman Patricia Watkins, 94, With Flamethrower
Thu Jul 07 21:34:48 +0000 2016
Obama Holds Charity Dinner for Victims of the Nebraska Terrorswarm
Thu Jul 07 19:52:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 First we can't mine them, then we can't even data-mine them? Are we going to lose the right to reanimate next?
— @JuEeHa
Thu Jul 07 16:24:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I always look forward to the Weird & Wacky segment. After all that bad news we need the laughs!!
— @substitute
Thu Jul 07 08:10:45 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
MIT-Bred "IndestructiBugs" Rampage Across Chicago
Thu Jul 07 07:28:18 +0000 2016
TED Talk on Data-Mining Corpses Sparks Controversy Over Dread Rites in Media
Thu Jul 07 07:05:29 +0000 2016
Critics Slam Study As "Funded Entirely" by "Immigrant Optimization Corporations"
Thu Jul 07 05:42:17 +0000 2016
Experts Warn Croatian-Americans May Be "Insufficiently Marginalized" for "Maximum Productivity"
Thu Jul 07 05:41:07 +0000 2016
"No News is Good News:" Militant Optimists Lay Siege to Approved News 6 Dread Fortress
Thu Jul 07 05:38:51 +0000 2016
Communities Nationwide Shelter in Place As Police Mating Season Begins
Thu Jul 07 05:04:44 +0000 2016
BREAKING
Thu Jul 07 05:03:47 +0000 2016
"Revolutionary" New Startup to Deliver Victims Straight to Customers' Doors
Thu Jul 07 05:03:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It flows up stairs It eats the chair It snuffed your neighbor's Dog It ate Aunt Jean It croons for its Queen It's TerrorSlime
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Thu Jul 07 03:19:39 +0000 2016
Man! I was rooting for the Corn-Lich Fungus! 😕 #disappointed @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Thu Jul 07 03:19:32 +0000 2016
Nebraska Terrorslime Becomes State's Official Abomination
Thu Jul 07 02:09:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Today in History: https://t.co/YgLKwJ0hhm
— @_ardeej
Wed Jul 06 23:36:27 +0000 2016
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 The basic rules of thumb are, but the critical temperature will vary depending on jurisdiction.
— @munin
Wed Jul 06 17:54:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I can't believe a presidential candidate could be this ignorant. This is basic knowledge for any serious politician.
— @pvlstaven
Wed Jul 06 17:53:28 +0000 2016
Clinton Denies Googling "Autoignition Temperature of US Senators"
Wed Jul 06 16:49:42 +0000 2016
Sources: Final Decision "Pending Appeals" https://t.co/tfd4bEcRqe
Wed Jul 06 10:10:25 +0000 2016
Wyoming Man Arrested for Taunting Sun Announces Book Deal
Wed Jul 06 06:23:40 +0000 2016
"Harsh but Fair:" Indiana Man Sentenced to Seven Hundred Years of Hard Labor, Eyeball Removal for Littering
Wed Jul 06 05:32:34 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Throw Yourself Upon The Spikes Of Perdition, And Beg To Be Worthy Of Your Suffering
Wed Jul 06 04:37:31 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Burn, Damned Wretch; Suffer And Burn Until All Again Is Clean
Wed Jul 06 04:36:29 +0000 2016
😒 @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/H7UARBkMO5
— @rabcyr
Wed Jul 06 02:08:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if it will encourage young women to get involved in nonsense scandals men have gotten away with forever, I approve.
— @jjm6501
Wed Jul 06 00:33:34 +0000 2016
"Political Scandals Have Always Been A Man's Work:" Conservatives Criticize Clinton's New Foundation for "Inappropriate" Gender Focus
Wed Jul 06 00:13:59 +0000 2016
Clinton on New Foundation: "Every Young Woman Should Have the Right to Unleash a Media Firestorm Through Ultimately Inconsequential Actions"
Wed Jul 06 00:11:19 +0000 2016
Clinton Founds Charitable Organization to Involve Young Girls in Political Scandals
Wed Jul 06 00:08:56 +0000 2016
Because the REAL money's in Antideluvian Bone Mines. @TheEconomist @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Tue Jul 05 02:37:09 +0000 2016
Why aren't millennials buying diamonds? https://t.co/yMmkzFUFBb https://t.co/a822ggVZrK
— @TheEconomist
Mon Jul 04 23:12:13 +0000 2016
Fairy Queen Implicated in Price-Fixing Scandal
Mon Jul 04 21:59:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/3bJb3V32rv
— @JuEeHa
Mon Jul 04 08:55:34 +0000 2016
As GBP Crashes, Brits Invest in Cursed Fairy Gold
Mon Jul 04 08:28:14 +0000 2016
@DiogenesBub @ApprovedNews6 I can't, it keeps teleporting.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Mon Jul 04 08:27:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well they would say that. The amount of money the Teleportation Lobby's pouring into them. Follow the money people!
— @DiogenesBub
Mon Jul 04 07:15:40 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Well after #Brexit, more and more people are searching for the most Kraken-proof portfolios.
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Jul 04 00:00:44 +0000 2016
Seven Arrested in Orlando in Attempt to Rouse the Great Golden Beast From Its Eternal Slumber
Sun Jul 03 23:54:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Bastards https://t.co/Y39u5QVRXs
— @formercrsc
Sun Jul 03 23:53:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I remember what happened to the last attempt when they forgot to feed the worm. I'm catching the next plane to Iceland.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 03 23:37:22 +0000 2016
Citing Ritual Pollution, High Costs of Goat Ichor, Wormhole Advocates Condemn Critics as "Short-Sighted," "Ecologically Ignorant"
Sun Jul 03 23:36:35 +0000 2016
Intercontinental Wormhole Project Criticized as "Waste of Tax Dollars" by Advocates of Teleportation Magicks
Sun Jul 03 23:34:11 +0000 2016
Construction Begins on First Intercontinental Wormhole
Sun Jul 03 23:32:05 +0000 2016
More And More Americans Investing in Dread Fortresses Leagues from Human Civilization
Sun Jul 03 23:30:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Primordial slush of organic compounds and primitive replicators all Earth's life originated from was unavailable for comment.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jul 03 23:28:23 +0000 2016
Clinton Promises "A Return to the Before Times" That "Made This Country Great"
Sun Jul 03 23:23:17 +0000 2016
GOP Dismisses Possibility of Naming Infant Who Slaughtered Hundreds in Tucson as Presidential Candidate, Citing Constitutional Age Limits
Sun Jul 03 07:13:35 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Infant Who Slaughtered Hundreds With Machete in Tucson to Host Talk Show
Sun Jul 03 07:11:33 +0000 2016
17 Killed in Freak Sleepwalking Accident
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jul 03 07:10:40 +0000 2016
Infant With Machete Slaughters Hundreds in Tucson
Sat Jul 02 23:17:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/zh7BRQ77XM
— @mcclure111
Sat Jul 02 17:23:30 +0000 2016
Academic Facebook explained. Courtesy of @EndangeredComic. https://t.co/b78bD74RNn
— @AcademicsSay
Sat Jul 02 10:57:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I don't know what possessed them to leave so many classic features out of 8.x in the first place
— @Chirurgic
Sat Jul 02 10:43:28 +0000 2016
Microsoft to Add Bar Fights to Windows 10
Sat Jul 02 09:52:07 +0000 2016
Visa, HasturCard Announce "Exciting" New Partnership
Fri Jul 01 23:36:19 +0000 2016
After Trump's Assassination Through Dread Lunar Magicks, GOP Considers Nominating Plump, Angry Woodpecker
Fri Jul 01 22:54:33 +0000 2016
Sources: Ferry Upon the River of the Damned "Will Not Accept Bitcoin" in the Foreseeable Future https://t.co/1IyZyCgnPp
Fri Jul 01 22:27:19 +0000 2016
Wyoming Man Arrested For Taunting Sun "Would Do It Again:" Report
Fri Jul 01 22:24:55 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 I don't want social media integration. Just give Charon a credit card terminal, so I don't have to carry ancient currency.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jul 01 22:21:31 +0000 2016
Industry Insiders Report Rumors of "Death 2.0"
Fri Jul 01 19:57:31 +0000 2016
OPINION:
https://t.co/tr5sKIVoQj
Fri Jul 01 04:32:05 +0000 2016
Slaughterhouses Nationwide Condemn DNMB Ruling, Warn Use of Artificial Bone in Occult Rituals "Likely to Cause" Evisceration, Blood-Madness
Fri Jul 01 02:37:23 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Certifies 4 Brands of Artificial Bone for Use in "Lesser Magicks"
Fri Jul 01 02:31:35 +0000 2016
Clinton: "I Support Every Woman's Right to be Enslaved for Centuries by Malevolent Deities"
Thu Jun 30 20:45:22 +0000 2016
Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold to Release "Tell-All Memoir"
Thu Jun 30 06:36:40 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: Forsaken Party 2016 Platform Likely to Include "A Fearsome Cube in Every Bedroom," "Powerful Amulets"
Thu Jun 30 06:06:06 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Clinton's Fiscal Policy Devours Dozens of Screaming Supporters
Thu Jun 30 05:44:39 +0000 2016
"Throttle The Whispering Man:" Clinton Unveils New Fiscal Policy
Thu Jun 30 05:44:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 one of the kids tried to take home a demon, didn't they?
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Thu Jun 30 01:21:48 +0000 2016
Third Grade Field Trip to Hell Ends in Disaster
Thu Jun 30 01:20:17 +0000 2016
"We Need The Sun To Live:" Wyoming Prosecutors Characterize Man Arrested for Taunting Sun as "Foolish," "Wicked"
Thu Jun 30 00:14:20 +0000 2016
In Statement to Press, Wyoming Man Arrested for Taunting Sun Blames Arrest on "Political Correctness Gone Mad"
Thu Jun 30 00:13:19 +0000 2016
Wyoming Man Arrested for Taunting Sun
Thu Jun 30 00:10:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I give her a month tops before the snakes seize power.
— @listelian
Wed Jun 29 21:28:10 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Ouster, Former President Alligator of South Florida Devours Four Reporters, Disappears Into Swamp
Wed Jun 29 21:25:47 +0000 2016
NASA Spokeswoman Dismisses Rumors of "Space Hell:" "We Won't Have the Necessary Technology & Infrastructure for Decades"
Wed Jun 29 21:23:46 +0000 2016
Seizing Presidential Hovel, South Florida President-for-Life Mary Winthrop Vows Revenge Upon Surviving Members of Winthrop Family
Wed Jun 29 21:22:06 +0000 2016
South Florida: Mary Winthrop Celebrates 87th Birthday by Defeating Army of Alligators in Surprise Coup With Force of Rare & Venomous Snakes
Wed Jun 29 21:20:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Not as bad as when somebody in Alaska neglected to floss. It used to be attached to the rest of the states...
— @pvlstaven
Wed Jun 29 21:20:10 +0000 2016
Fire Ravages Chicago After 5-Year-Old Forgets to Brush Teeth
Wed Jun 29 21:13:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ugh, tourists, always complaining about the weather this happens like, every week, but they're all "oh god, why, help us"
— @Chirurgic
Wed Jun 29 21:01:07 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Janitors Emit Low, Guttural Moan, Evaporate Like Morning Dew https://t.co/fgsQ0yXZyN
Wed Jun 29 20:59:37 +0000 2016
Witnesses: "Fell Shadows" Gathering Upon Washington Obelisk
Wed Jun 29 20:56:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: https://t.co/qQvwW1WtMw
— @_ardeej
Wed Jun 29 17:39:33 +0000 2016
@velartrill invisible killer whale season comes early this year, forcing nyc pools to open early to admit offerings https://t.co/LsrwGyKjl9
— @caurinus
Wed Jun 29 03:40:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/h9Mku4flqa
— @rabcyr
Tue Jun 28 19:57:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Our low levels of literacy in The Hidden Tongue Of Sorrow are simply embarrassing.
— @insomniacity
Tue Jun 28 19:56:45 +0000 2016
Satoshi Nakamoto exposed @listelian @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/BNt9xqC0KG
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jun 27 18:46:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm starting to think that someone may be accidentally saving their cute animal pics to the "Satoshi Nakamoto exposed" folder
— @listelian
Mon Jun 27 18:42:14 +0000 2016
UK Language Technicians Speak to Press Through Elaborate Pantomime, Promising Outage "To Be Resolved Soon"
Mon Jun 27 18:07:38 +0000 2016
English Outages in Wales, Texas Blamed on #Brexit Chaos
Mon Jun 27 18:02:28 +0000 2016
Clinton Condemns Opponents for "Baseless Peacemongering"
Mon Jun 27 14:50:37 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Baby Llama
Mon Jun 27 14:49:28 +0000 2016
Dreadlord-in-Exile Theodore Blitzenreich Extradited to Vermont
Mon Jun 27 14:43:19 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Republican Senators Retaliate With Battleaxes
Mon Jun 27 14:06:09 +0000 2016
"Taste My Steel, Child of Iniquity:" Sen. Clancy "Methuselah" Richards Leads Senate's Most Violent Filibuster in Months
Mon Jun 27 14:04:20 +0000 2016
"They Were Forsaken for a Reason:" Pundits Condemn Appointment of Ambassador to Forsaken Lands
Mon Jun 27 13:59:51 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Wouldst Thou Deliver America Unto The Faceless Hordes, Thoughtless Wretch? Into The Pit With Thee!
Mon Jun 27 13:55:44 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Annual Ominous Proclamation "A Pointless Relic of the Before Times," "Waste of the President's Time"
Mon Jun 27 13:54:09 +0000 2016
Obama Ascends the Terrorthrone to Issue Annual Ominous Proclamation
Mon Jun 27 13:32:41 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Private companies weren't assembling them. Who's gonna do it? Should the child kits just be shipped to the parent's homes?
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Jun 27 13:30:19 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Children "Assembled by the Government" in "Secret Warehouses"
Mon Jun 27 11:53:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 A government of the shadows, by the shadows, for the shadows.
— @pyroIke
Mon Jun 27 11:51:15 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
British Shadow Cabinet Devoured by Cabinet Full of Shadows
Mon Jun 27 05:56:08 +0000 2016
ELECTION 2016: Men in Foil Suits Carrying Impossibly Long Needles Endorse Nameless Bone Party Presidential Candidate
Mon Jun 27 05:51:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ....no comment
— @SwooshyCueb
Mon Jun 27 05:48:27 +0000 2016
More & More Americans Report Being Enslaved for Years by BDSM-Crazed Elves
Mon Jun 27 05:43:44 +0000 2016
Eternal Queen of England Desdemona Rothschild I Announces Plan to Replace "Shadow Government" With "Government of the Shadows"
Mon Jun 27 05:42:57 +0000 2016
"It Had the Element of Surprise:" Police Defend Selves Against Accusations of "Uncoordinated" Response to Attack by Surprise Elemental
Mon Jun 27 05:37:04 +0000 2016
Protestors in DC Unexpectedly Attacked by Surprise Elemental
Mon Jun 27 05:35:49 +0000 2016
Tomorrow at 8/7c: Watch Dozens of Screaming Reporters be Gunned Down by Hired Thugs for No Reason, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Jun 27 05:28:06 +0000 2016
Tens Of Thousands Of Londoners To Protest Precession Of Mercury's Perihelion @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jun 27 03:40:34 +0000 2016
Metaphysical Annihilation of Strasbourg Blamed on "Asshole With A Particle Accelerator"
Mon Jun 27 02:15:45 +0000 2016
@tautefox @ApprovedNews6 I contest that a living breathing dog must have blood. There are substitutes and procedures that replace blood.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Mon Jun 27 01:49:22 +0000 2016
MIT Professor of Hocus-Pocus Publishes "Breakthrough" in Whatchamacallit Studies
Sun Jun 26 22:36:51 +0000 2016
Taken out of context, this is a pretty amazing quote from an actual court document. @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/w9QinBX7bl
— @tautefox
Sun Jun 26 22:23:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Access to gravity should be restricted anyway. It might be a "renewable" resource, doesn't mean it's never going to run out.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jun 26 14:23:42 +0000 2016
Citing "Suicide Epidemic," Senator Sponsors Bill to Deny the Mentally Ill Access to Gravity
Sun Jun 26 14:16:17 +0000 2016
Church of the Immaculate Corpse Sues for Right to Inter Still-Living Sacrifices on Federal Harrowing Grounds
Sun Jun 26 05:57:40 +0000 2016
Eternal Queen Desdemona Rothschild I of England Promises to Address Citizens' EU Concerns Through "Pervasive Mind Control"
Sun Jun 26 05:50:23 +0000 2016
Tomorrow at 8/7c: We Interview Dagny Hammarberg, Author of Bestselling Philosophical Treatise "A Phenomenological Critique of the Moon"
Sun Jun 26 05:47:11 +0000 2016
NSA To Begin Compiling List of "Total Douchebags"
Sun Jun 26 02:56:51 +0000 2016
Threat Alert Level: CARMINE imminent risk of strong cryptography
— @threatalertbot
Sat Jun 25 21:44:51 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 This is what happens when you allow unregulated bear immigration.
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Jun 25 19:07:59 +0000 2016
Ping @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/nQdPPBUIzB
— @Vitt_fluff
Sat Jun 25 19:07:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 it would be better than all the fire and smoke that we normally get. unless you like being on fire and choking on smoke
— @Horse_Crimes
Sat Jun 25 08:11:04 +0000 2016
DC Metrorail to Begin Pumping "Helpful Security Gases" Into Subway
Sat Jun 25 08:06:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There are worse ways to go. Much better than melting.
— @Samuelmeadows33
Sat Jun 25 08:03:47 +0000 2016
UK Green Party Lauds Eternal Queen Desdemona's "Environmentally Conscious" Decision Not to Irradiate Vast Swathes of Atlantic Ocean
Sat Jun 25 08:03:43 +0000 2016
Eternal Queen Desdemona on #Brexit: "If I Desire to Raise the British Isles Unto Near Earth Orbit, It Shall Be Done By Dread Magicks"
Sat Jun 25 08:02:50 +0000 2016
Surprise Maulings "On The Rise," New Study Suggests
Sat Jun 25 08:00:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This is bull I HAVE AN UNALIENABLE RIGHT TO PEAR ARMS
— @skrattybones
Sat Jun 25 07:59:08 +0000 2016
Probably an improvement over current situation, if we're being honest here. https://t.co/0Kk42cQx2P
— @GoAwayDuder
Sat Jun 25 07:58:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Now, while she's distracted! Sacrifice the goats!
— @khymchanur
Sat Jun 25 07:58:13 +0000 2016
Eternal Queen of England Desdemona Rothschild Dispatches Army of Scheming Nymphs to Dismantle #Brexit Nuclear Thrusters
Sat Jun 25 07:50:53 +0000 2016
"We Warned You:" Liberal Democrats Remind Citizens Experts "Long Predicted" #Brexit Would Provoke Wrath of Deathless Evil Wizards
Sat Jun 25 06:05:56 +0000 2016
"We Warned You:" Liberal Democrats Remind Citizens Experts "Long Predicted" #Brexit Would Provoke Wrath of Deathless Evil Wizards
Sat Jun 25 06:05:56 +0000 2016
"You Witless Worms Have Forced My Hand:" Dark Wizard Lady Desdemona Rothschild Imprisons Elizabeth Windsor, Declares Self Eternal Queen
Sat Jun 25 06:00:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 well actually a tomato is a fruit but not included because it has a restrictor stem and soft seeds
— @substitute
Sat Jun 25 00:30:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 What? My grandfather sold exploding fruit and if he'd needed an ID he would have been ruined! Government overreach!
— @ShaunPWelch
Sat Jun 25 00:29:59 +0000 2016
THE PRICE OF PRODUCE IS ALREADY PAINFULLY VOLATILE, THE INEVITABLE PRICE HIKES ARE GOING TO BLOW UP THE ECONOMY !!! https://t.co/rJQsCm3V5O
— @caurinus
Sat Jun 25 00:29:53 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Military grade cantaloupes have no business on our streets!
— @Pope_Norm
Sat Jun 25 00:29:41 +0000 2016
New Federal Regulations Would Require ID for Sales of Exploding Fruit
Fri Jun 24 23:24:55 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 they buy our spells and the bones of our vanquished but when we speak up we suddenly "don't exist." Fairy erasure must end
— @minasoleil_4
Fri Jun 24 20:43:30 +0000 2016
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA,PALE FINGERS CRACKING THROUGH RIBS,HISSING IN DELIGHT AT YOUR WHIMPERS,TAKE A DEEP BREATH THIS MIGHT STING A LITTLE
— @hottestsingles
Fri Jun 24 18:05:23 +0000 2016
"The Past Is A Foreign Country. They Do Things Differently There", US Envoy To The Past On Peace Treaty Negotiations Stall @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jun 24 17:35:26 +0000 2016
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 The cost in gold-fringed flags alone would be enormous.
— @khymchanur
Fri Jun 24 05:30:18 +0000 2016
Obama Declines to Comment on Impact of #Brexit on "Project Grinning Lizard"
Fri Jun 24 05:16:35 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Replaces Reporters' Children With Changelings
Fri Jun 24 05:06:18 +0000 2016
UKIP Fires Back: Stealing Children, Enslaving the Innocent "Core British Values"
Fri Jun 24 05:03:39 +0000 2016
"She Steals Children in the Night & Enslaves Helpless Shepherds:" Liberal Democrats Slam Farage's Fairy Queen Comments
Fri Jun 24 05:01:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 is it her heart, or one of the ten thousand still-beating hearts of her thralls, though
— @President_Ark
Fri Jun 24 05:01:01 +0000 2016
Farage: Fairy Queen "Has UK's Best Interests At Heart"
Fri Jun 24 05:00:05 +0000 2016
Pundits Criticize Fairy Queen's Remarks: "She Doesn't Even Exist"
Fri Jun 24 04:58:23 +0000 2016
Fairy Queen Congratulates UK Citizens on #Brexit Vote
Fri Jun 24 04:58:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This is insane. Britain's landmadss is lousy with old wards and geases. It could all go off explosively if they translocate.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jun 24 04:43:11 +0000 2016
Sources: Radiation Shielding "Has No Impact" on UK's Vast Population of Snakes Which Compulsively Attack Americans https://t.co/NMGSVs5rtu
Fri Jun 24 04:43:00 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Help Our British Correspondents Afford Needed Antivenin Stockpiles by Pledging to Support Approved News 6 https://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Fri Jun 24 04:35:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Unfortunately, that would place the entire country under maritime law. There's precedent.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jun 24 04:34:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Scotland reported to begin considering construction of "Giant Anchor" to avoid #brexit
— @President_Ark
Fri Jun 24 04:34:26 +0000 2016
"Why's Nobody Talking About Just Floating Out to Sea A Few Thousand Kilometers?" Skeptics Question Necessity of Raising UK Landmass to Orbit
Fri Jun 24 04:32:48 +0000 2016
UKIP Leaders Condemn "Rash Action" of British Mages, Calling for "Calm and Orderly" Ascent to Low Earth Orbit
Fri Jun 24 04:30:59 +0000 2016
In Defiance of Government, British Activists Begin Stockpiling Goats to Perform "Grassroots" #Brexit Translocation Rite
Fri Jun 24 04:29:53 +0000 2016
Farage Facing Accusations of Corruption over Connections to Corporation Operating #Brexit Thrusters
Fri Jun 24 04:28:09 +0000 2016
"I Think the British People Understand the Best Way to Leave Europe is a Dread Hermetic Spell:" Prominent Wizards Call for Protests
Fri Jun 24 04:26:11 +0000 2016
#Brexit: British Mages Take to Twitter to Protest Use of Nuclear Thrusters Over "Simpler, Faster" Translocation Magicks
Fri Jun 24 04:23:53 +0000 2016
Sources: #Brexit Nuclear Thrusters Could Be Fired "As Soon As Two Months" From Vote to Leave, Lifting Nation to Space Over Just One Week
Fri Jun 24 04:22:34 +0000 2016
"Slaughtering 45,000 Goats Would Have Far Less Effect" on Global Biosphere Than Massive Irradation of Atlantic Ocean, Say Scientists
Fri Jun 24 03:18:26 +0000 2016
FACT CHECK: Leading Bone Sorcerers Dismiss Farage Claims, Noting Spell to Teleport UK to Near Earth Orbit "Requires At Most 45K Dead Goats"
Fri Jun 24 03:17:51 +0000 2016
"Do You Even Know How Many Dead Goats It Would Take?" Nigel Farage Disparages "Ill-Conceived" Translocation Spell Plans
Fri Jun 24 03:15:46 +0000 2016
Brexit: Government Pushes Back Against "Fearmongering" Over Use of Nuclear Thrusters, Labels Translocation Magicks "Primitive," "Archaic"
Fri Jun 24 03:12:50 +0000 2016
Poll: 34% of Brexit Supporters Consider Use of Nuclear Thrusters "Against British Values," 47% Support Use of Translocation Magicks
Fri Jun 24 03:10:05 +0000 2016
Experts: Giant Octagons Often Cause Acute Dyscalculia in Sensitive Individuals https://t.co/fX2yDAQLLm
Fri Jun 24 02:19:10 +0000 2016
@Derrick_Snyder @NWSSPC those are octagons. You can remain calm. Cc @ApprovedNews6
— @rabcyr
Fri Jun 24 02:17:32 +0000 2016
Giant hexagon threat INCREASING across Missouri. https://t.co/hUKIvVaTTG
— @Derrick_Snyder
Fri Jun 24 02:17:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SPONSORED https://t.co/xSD4ZRTbZw
— @khymchanur
Fri Jun 24 02:16:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Hey, it worked for Japan.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jun 24 02:14:57 +0000 2016
Pundits: UK's Attempt to Lift Entire Landmass Into Space Could Cause Massive Environmental Damage, Irradiate Millions
Fri Jun 24 02:14:04 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Concerns Raised by Massive Nuclear Thrusters Erected Beneath United Kingdom in Expectation of "Brexit" Victory
Fri Jun 24 02:07:58 +0000 2016
cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/RFZQdY8JXr
— @mletterle
Fri Jun 24 02:06:42 +0000 2016
Very Sweaty, Very Quiet Man On TV Announces Imminent Death Of All Living Things
— @sam_kriss
Fri Jun 24 01:16:51 +0000 2016
San Francisco Earthquake Museum Opens New Exhibit
Thu Jun 23 23:15:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Yeah, sure, play to the base now that your job's been threatened. Just politics as usual.
— @listelian
Thu Jun 23 22:46:57 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Announces Job Openings https://t.co/axeobNz8Aw
Thu Jun 23 21:34:36 +0000 2016
Vermont Dreadlord Announces New Mindslave Recycling Program https://t.co/aEtIiu2bn1
Thu Jun 23 21:10:08 +0000 2016
Lexi curates *every word* of the highly [redacted] information conveyed by @ApprovedNews6 — she deserves a raise! https://t.co/x8IHt1n3fX
— @caurinus
Thu Jun 23 19:06:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 about time. The Washington monument hasn't been terror inducing enough since we stopped using it as an execution device
— @TheBoundWatcher
Thu Jun 23 19:06:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Any resemblance to actual persons better be coincidental or I'm suing.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Thu Jun 23 19:03:13 +0000 2016
Men in White Suits, Gas Masks Deploying Terror Field Generators Around Monuments Nationwide
Thu Jun 23 18:44:41 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Obliterates Florida Republican Party Headquarters With Precision Airstrike
Thu Jun 23 18:41:46 +0000 2016
Florida Republicans Begin Campaign to Recall "Increasingly Liberal" Sen. XL333012
Thu Jun 23 18:40:25 +0000 2016
"Billy and the Mad Lord of the Dead," Sequel to Popular Children's Book "Billy and the Master of All Human Anguish," Receives Rave Reviews
Thu Jun 23 18:34:49 +0000 2016
Report: Ants Still Harvesting Organs From Prisoners at a Massive Scale
— @hail_ants_bot
Thu Jun 23 17:06:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 like that's ever stopped America, before...
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Thu Jun 23 08:05:25 +0000 2016
Experts Warn "Project Grinning Lizard" Both "Unnecessary" & "Physically Impossible"
Thu Jun 23 08:01:42 +0000 2016
Stephen Colbert Accused of Dismembering 5 Dogs at Nevada Motel
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Jun 23 02:46:31 +0000 2016
Quick tip for protecting plants in these hot, dry conditions: don't. Let them scream under the sun until they are dust again.
— @MagicWeather
Wed Jun 22 16:36:36 +0000 2016
Stock prices of nuclear rocket engine manufacturers sky-high as UK referendum on leaving the European continent draws near. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Tue Jun 21 21:28:52 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Optical Character Recognition Algorithms Worldwide Begin Translating All Text As "THE LAST WORDS OF AN EMPTY BEING"
Tue Jun 21 03:02:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 oh come on, any true progressive has to support killing everyone in The Last Fell Awakening equally, it’s only fair
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue Jun 21 01:55:45 +0000 2016
Analysts Note Green Party's "Disturbing Trend" of Nominating "Omnicidal Megalomaniacs"
Tue Jun 21 01:50:33 +0000 2016
"He's Just Saying What We're All Thinking:" Supporters Laud Small, Adorable Weasel's "Powerful Telepathy"
Tue Jun 21 01:34:42 +0000 2016
"Taste the Scouring Flame of Armageddon, Wretches:" Small, Adorable Weasel Outlines Policies in Press Conference
Tue Jun 21 01:26:39 +0000 2016
Green Party Nominates Small, Adorable Weasel as 2016 Presidential Candidate
Tue Jun 21 01:24:48 +0000 2016
Deep, Dark Hole in Front of White House That Was Not There Yesterday Endorses Clinton
Tue Jun 21 00:08:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh. That feature was crucial to some of my projects. Gonna have to redo everything
— @SwooshyCueb
Mon Jun 20 21:47:59 +0000 2016
Death "Soon To Be Deprecated," Say Sources
Mon Jun 20 21:37:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Citing Severe Politics Shortage, Turkey Bans Engaging in Politics. "Our Politics Mines Have Been Stripped Bare" Said Sources
— @khymchanur
Mon Jun 20 03:46:59 +0000 2016
Attn @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/BdvTJVRjbV Kremlin memetic warfare, or is Erdoğan actually hiring psionic defense under his own initiative?
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Sun Jun 19 22:55:21 +0000 2016
Congressional Republicans "Willfully Spreading" Hallelujah Virus: Bombshell Allegations by GOP Whistleblower Shock Nation
Sun Jun 19 19:47:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 related study finds a sharp uptick in the badness of opinions post-2008.
— @lycoris_aurea
Sun Jun 19 19:11:01 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 … or ARE they?
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Jun 19 15:36:24 +0000 2016
"Scampires:" Nevada Bloodsuckers Found to be "Mere Lesser Mutants," Exiled to Border Slum
Sun Jun 19 12:17:51 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Quantum Astrology Embroiled in Heisenberg Uncertainty Scandal
Sun Jun 19 11:46:00 +0000 2016
Obama Reportedly in Peace Talks With Moral High Ground
Sun Jun 19 11:38:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It didn't use to be like this back in the 80's, but these days everyone's pirating bootleg opinions from China.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jun 19 11:37:37 +0000 2016
Series of Mysterious Deaths Raises Secret Brain Implant Design Concerns
Sun Jun 19 00:59:46 +0000 2016
Internet "Full of Bad Opinions," Suggests New Study
Sun Jun 19 00:32:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 mock him all you want but this is precisely the reason I voted for him.
— @jjm6501
Sat Jun 18 17:47:21 +0000 2016
"You Fools, Can You Not See We Are All In Terrible Danger:" Sen. Josamold Bloafrey (D-XQ) to Filibuster Omnibus AI Rights Bill
Sat Jun 18 17:42:50 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: "Yes" https://t.co/SaJLFLygVH
Sat Jun 18 17:22:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The Swedes might have Surstromming, but Norwegians eat dead universes.
— @pvlstaven
Sat Jun 18 11:42:01 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Peruvian Laserfolk Activist Martina ⚡⚡⚡💥🔥🔥💀 Incinerates Reporters With Single Word
Sat Jun 18 11:31:51 +0000 2016
SOUTH AMERICA: A Victory for Indigenous Rights as Peruvian Lasertongue Becomes an Official State Language
Sat Jun 18 11:28:36 +0000 2016
Is the Seventh Sigil of Damnation Inscribed on the Back of Your Eyelids? Take This Short Quiz & Find Out! The Answer May Surprise You!
Sat Jun 18 09:04:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Icelandic Althing Passes Resolution Declaring Government Of Norway "Almost As Old As Us"
— @Chirurgic
Sat Jun 18 07:17:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Entire Norwegian Government Speaks With One Voice, Says "Before Light, Before Time, Before Thought, Only Norway"
— @70_million
Sat Jun 18 07:17:39 +0000 2016
Norwegian Politicians Dismiss Study: Government of Norway "At Most" 3 Times Older Than Physical Reality
Sat Jun 18 06:31:04 +0000 2016
New Study Shows Government of Norway May Be 10 Times Older Than Universe Itself
Sat Jun 18 06:09:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 For once, I'm not one of them, but I claim credit for those deaths you're technophobically attributing to the brain implants.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat Jun 18 01:18:34 +0000 2016
"The Divine Community Must Take Responsibility:" Clinton Condemns Widespread "Deity-on-Mortal Smiting"
Sat Jun 18 01:14:11 +0000 2016
America "Will Not Tolerate" Divine Intervention: FBI Raids Heaven
Sat Jun 18 00:49:38 +0000 2016
Bank of America Headquarters Destroyed by Act of God; Seven Different Deities Claim Credit
Sat Jun 18 00:46:56 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 The proper terminology is ECMAScript, thank you very much.
— @pvlstaven
Sat Jun 18 00:17:10 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 #NotAllLanguages Some of my best friends are written in JavaScript! But I wouldn't let them near my thermostat.
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Jun 17 23:53:28 +0000 2016
"Javascript Is A Slur:" Robots Protest "Offensive" Media Coverage
Fri Jun 17 23:50:51 +0000 2016
Penguins' Military Exercises Near Antarctic Demilitarized Zone Spark Fears of Conflict
Thu Jun 16 21:55:39 +0000 2016
American Doctors Under Fire for "Careless" Prescription of Automatic Firearms to Millions of Patients
Thu Jun 16 21:51:41 +0000 2016
Vote XL333012! @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/pFjmfCA3oc
— @pvlstaven
Thu Jun 16 20:52:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm not sure giving the Federal Cult Commision more eldritch power is a great idea...
— @mletterle
Thu Jun 16 19:24:47 +0000 2016
Sen. Vallidax the Inscrutable (D-ME) Sponsors Bill Giving FCC Power to Regulate Scrying Glasses, Telepathy
Thu Jun 16 19:04:38 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Fortunately, Sen. XL333012 is well-equipped to deal with being under fire and I'm sure will respond in kind.
— @pvlstaven
Thu Jun 16 08:22:08 +0000 2016
RELATED: Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Under Fire for "Habitually" Using Airstrikes to Dodge Reporters' Questions
Thu Jun 16 06:42:06 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Stakes "Bold Position" on Right of Humans, Autonomous Fixed Artillery to Marry
Thu Jun 16 06:40:40 +0000 2016
DOJ Announces New Program to Make Fun of the Homeless
Thu Jun 16 05:44:22 +0000 2016
Secretary of Failure Resigns in Shame After "Embarrassingly Successful" Term in Office
Thu Jun 16 03:58:03 +0000 2016
Crude Image of President Obama Appears Chiseled Into Ancient Plinths Nationwide, Holds Press Conference
Wed Jun 15 03:41:22 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Freemason Spokeswoman Disappears Back Into Secret Passage From Which She Came
Tue Jun 14 06:32:39 +0000 2016
"The Illuminati Must Learn They Cannot Defy the Sacred Compact of the Third Secluded Gorge:" Freemason Spokeswoman Issues Declaration of War
Tue Jun 14 06:31:37 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Man Hiding in Reporter's Air Ducts Declares Expulsion of Illuminati Ambassador as Response to Treaty Violations
Tue Jun 14 06:28:57 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Freemasons Expel Illuminati Ambassador
Tue Jun 14 06:26:18 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Claim Hundreds Imprisoned Daily in "Government Sex Facilities"
Tue Jun 14 02:58:24 +0000 2016
REMINDER https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi https://t.co/beZ7DeJf95
Tue Jun 14 02:57:27 +0000 2016
Entire Population of Poland Spontaneously Relocates to San Francisco
Tue Jun 14 02:54:14 +0000 2016
Department of Obedience Reinstitutes Controversial Pain Quotas
Tue Jun 14 02:50:58 +0000 2016
Experts: https://t.co/U9DYvAU2ne
Tue Jun 14 00:24:20 +0000 2016
More & More Public Universities Forced to Turn to Bank Robbery, Banditry to Fund Research
Mon Jun 13 22:08:37 +0000 2016
Police in Ruins of New York Accused of "Leniency" After Assaulting Protestors From Horseback
Mon Jun 13 21:27:21 +0000 2016
Supporters Rejoice After Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker Found Innocent of Crimes on Technicality
Mon Jun 13 21:23:50 +0000 2016
Doctor Charged With Felony After Giving Anaesthetics to Patient in Federal Fear Zone
Mon Jun 13 16:34:46 +0000 2016
DARPA: Accidental Detonation of Prototype Epistemological Warhead Destroys 4 Minor Fields of Science, Dozens of Common Memes
Mon Jun 13 01:26:32 +0000 2016
"██ ██ ███ ██████ ███████:" Secretary of the Cortex Triangulum Issues Fully-Redacted Press Release on Illuminati's Expulsion of 7 Freemasons
Mon Jun 13 00:49:59 +0000 2016
Illuminati: 7 Members of the Optimae Machinata Expelled After "Extensive Ties" to Freemasons Come to Light
Mon Jun 13 00:46:46 +0000 2016
Federal Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Dorian P. Kakopoulos Announces New Program to Fund "Wacky Mix-Ups"
Mon Jun 13 00:43:56 +0000 2016
"This Is Not Over:" General Kristen Alexander Vows America "Will Return to, Conquer" Moral High Ground "By Year's End"
Mon Jun 13 00:39:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Without even fighting on the moral beaches, the moral landing grounds, in the moral fields & streets, or the moral hills
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Mon Jun 13 00:35:52 +0000 2016
Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) Calls for Constitutional Amendment to Reverse Mindslave #491823 v. Vermont
Mon Jun 13 00:34:50 +0000 2016
After Months of Brutal Conflict, US Military to Withdraw from Moral High Ground
Mon Jun 13 00:32:34 +0000 2016
Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Specter of the Nameless Realm Donates Thousands of Dried Yak Teeth to Queer Advocacy Organizations
Mon Jun 13 00:25:18 +0000 2016
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: Survivors of the Connecticut Weasel Catastrophe Tell Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Jun 13 00:21:22 +0000 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Demands to Debate Clinton
Mon Jun 13 00:18:50 +0000 2016
Horse that Replaced Marco Rubio Refuses to Comment on Stampede Allegations
Mon Jun 13 00:14:51 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 It's my constitutional right to choose in the name of which faith I want to be slaughtered!
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jun 13 00:14:38 +0000 2016
In Wake of Orlando Shooting, Violent Christian Extremists Nationwide Condemn "Violent Muslim Extremists" for "Taking Our Jobs"
Mon Jun 13 00:09:56 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 I'm glad initiatives like this exist. It's always hard for transparent racists to get attention.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jun 13 00:08:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Oh good, I have been waiting all day to hear their take on the tragedy.
— @jjm6501
Mon Jun 13 00:08:22 +0000 2016
Americans for the Exploitation of Hate Crimes for Transparently Racist Ends Releases Statement on Orlando Shooting
Mon Jun 13 00:05:15 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 This kind of honesty is one reason why I voted for the guy.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jun 13 00:00:52 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Responds With Heavily Encrypted Transmission on Military Frequencies
Sun Jun 12 23:57:32 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Breaks With Republican Welfare Orthodoxy, Sponsors Bill Extending Food Stamp Coverage to Enriched Uranium
Sun Jun 12 23:55:59 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
White Man With Opinion Hired as CNN Contributor
Sun Jun 12 14:40:26 +0000 2016
Russian God-Empress Anastasia Vasilyeva Celebrates Ascension to Immortality With "Festive" Mass Execution of Political Prisoners
Sun Jun 12 13:45:21 +0000 2016
House Votes to Raise Sleep Tax
Sun Jun 12 10:01:28 +0000 2016
"Putting the 'Cell' in Celebration:" Justice Department Vows to "Crack Down" on Unlicensed Emotions
Sat Jun 11 22:13:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 We need more students graduating in Sagacity, Thaumaturgy, Enchantment, and Mysticism.
— @tomscud
Sat Jun 11 03:44:00 +0000 2016
Experts: Primary Obstacle to Widespread PPP/Scrying Glass Deployment "Scarcity of Learned Sages"
Sat Jun 11 01:30:06 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Scattering at the fiber optic - scrying medium boundary is still a big limiting factor for high-bandwidth connections.
— @pvlstaven
Sat Jun 11 01:28:34 +0000 2016
First Commercial "PPP over Scrying Glass" Connection Brings Internet Access to Impoverished Communities
Sat Jun 11 01:20:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 where's my 24 hour coverage of this astounding development
— @joe_no_body
Thu Jun 09 21:33:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 RELATED: Scientists Discover Worst Opinion
— @_ardeej
Thu Jun 09 21:32:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Thu Jun 09 21:13:27 +0000 2016
Official Investigation Blames Fire at MIT Department of Pyrokinesis on "Poor Sanitation"
Thu Jun 09 17:30:23 +0000 2016
Obama Autographs Nuclear Warhead
Thu Jun 09 17:22:41 +0000 2016
@NouwensCherie @ApprovedNews6 Don't ████ █████ ██████████████ █ █ █ █ ████ ███████ worry ██████ ████████ ██████ about ██████████████████ it.
— @patcoet
Thu Jun 09 17:19:21 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 wait, who is reporting all this if the reporters are unconscious and mind wiped?
— @NouwensCherie
Thu Jun 09 17:19:19 +0000 2016
In Response to White House Announcement, Illuminati Spokes
REDACTED
Proclaims "Response Stage OCHRE SPORK", Mindwipes All Reporters Present
Thu Jun 09 09:25:45 +0000 2016
In Response to DHS Announcement, Sleepy Obama Annouces "Danger Protocol DANDY NIGHTINGALE," Renders All Reporters Unconscious With A Gesture
Thu Jun 09 09:22:41 +0000 2016
Sources: Reporters Face Higher Death Toll Than Soldiers, Experimental Subjects, & High School Teachers Combined https://t.co/FM36nlDiOC
Thu Jun 09 09:17:06 +0000 2016
In Response to NSA Announcement, Furious DHS Press Secretary Announces "Alert Conditon SUBLIME POMEGRANATE," Attacks Reporters With Flail
Thu Jun 09 09:03:56 +0000 2016
NSA Declares "Threat Level ECLECTIC PIPSQUEAK," Refuses to Answer Questions, Barricades Office
Thu Jun 09 07:47:10 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/JQlQ83l1n6
Wed Jun 08 22:40:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/HxLpZOjA80
— @khymchanur
Wed Jun 08 15:55:40 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Silence, Damned Fool, When You Speak Her Name She Sees You
Tue Jun 07 23:59:09 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Clinton's Plan to Lower Femur Tariffs A Disgusting Kickback to Rich Campaign Donors
Tue Jun 07 23:58:45 +0000 2016
On Flesh Purity Concerns, TriMet Claims No Return Service Likely Within Projected Lifetime of Human Civilization https://t.co/8RER10P7xR
Tue Jun 07 23:51:52 +0000 2016
Horse That Replaced Marco Rubio Refuses to Comment on GOP's General Election Chances
Tue Jun 07 23:45:20 +0000 2016
TriMet: "Express Shuttle" Will Run "Four Times A Day," Travel Time Should Be "No Longer Than 780,000 Years"
Tue Jun 07 23:16:13 +0000 2016
Portland, OR Becomes First City to Offer Bus Service to Proxima Centauri
Tue Jun 07 23:11:06 +0000 2016
Democratic Superdelegates Nearing End of Pilgrimage to the Well of All Sorrow
Tue Jun 07 22:29:07 +0000 2016
Newslord 7 Demands Funding for Approved News 6 https://t.co/RHgLTXVrTL
Tue Jun 07 22:26:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The only surprise here is that he hadn't already.
— @listelian
Tue Jun 07 22:23:17 +0000 2016
She Who Throttles The Dawn & Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold to Hold Fundraiser for Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods
Tue Jun 07 22:15:49 +0000 2016
Lord Jethromort Doomflower, Elder Scion of the Ashen Order, Endorses Clinton
Tue Jun 07 22:12:56 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Emaciated, Wild-Eyed Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA), Clad in Tattered Remnants of Armani Suit Tunnels Into CNN Studio, Demands Interview
Tue Jun 07 22:06:23 +0000 2016
American Witchcraft Association Condemns Clinton for "Pandering" Despite "Extensive Track Record" of Opposing Witches' Rights
Tue Jun 07 21:50:08 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Clinton Dons Pointed Hat, Flies Away on Broomstick
Tue Jun 07 21:48:12 +0000 2016
Sanders: Clinton "Dangerously Mundane"
Tue Jun 07 21:47:25 +0000 2016
Rand Paul: "Kinkshaming is the Real Racism"
Tue Jun 07 21:42:23 +0000 2016
"We Must Work Together To End The Kinkshaming Epidemic:" DHHS Secretary Ends Statement on "Call to Action"
Tue Jun 07 21:23:18 +0000 2016
"I Was Kinkshamed As A Child:" Secretary of Health & Human Services Gives "Moving Speech" at Surprise Press Conference
Tue Jun 07 21:21:32 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Winged Serpent Conquers Kansas
Tue Jun 07 21:15:51 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Oneiromancers Predict "Birth of the Kingdom of the Winged Serpent," 4% Rise in Inflation
Tue Jun 07 21:12:55 +0000 2016
"They've Been Predicting That For Years Now:" Pundits Decry Psephomancers as "Completely Unreliable" Compared to "More Modern" Oneiromancy
Tue Jun 07 21:08:33 +0000 2016
Citing Democratic Primary Voting Patterns, Psephomancers Predict "Coming of the Iron King," "A Mighty Storm from the North"
Tue Jun 07 21:07:38 +0000 2016
US Navy Remains Silent on Environment Concerns Related to Use of Wrathful Sea Beasts
Tue Jun 07 21:01:52 +0000 2016
NEWSLINK: Read Microsoft's Vancouver Bombing Apology Here https://t.co/0DjnM1wNVZ
Tue Jun 07 21:01:07 +0000 2016
Canadian Refugees Condemn Microsoft's "Cowardice" in Waiting Until Destruction of Canada Before Apologizing for Bombing of Vancouver
Tue Jun 07 20:54:40 +0000 2016
"Wrathful Sea Beasts are Tremendously Destructive to Non-Native Ecosystems:" Greenpeace Issues Statement
Tue Jun 07 20:53:04 +0000 2016
Environmental Activists Condemn US Navy's Use of Wrathful Sea Beasts Against Unspecified "Enemies"
Tue Jun 07 20:52:38 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Spokesdrone Belches Steam, Scalding Flesh from Reporters' Faces
Tue Jun 07 20:49:57 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 ugh you irradiate ONE LITTLE COUNTRY with a competitor's headquarters and suddenly everybody starts suing you. Ridiculous!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue Jun 07 20:47:10 +0000 2016
"It Is Beyond Our Laws:" Prosecutors Warn Apple All Attempts to Bring Legal Action Against Nameless Corporation Have "Failed Utterly"
Tue Jun 07 20:46:18 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Apple to Sue Nameless Corporations in Ruins of New York for "Anticompetitive Behavior"
Tue Jun 07 20:45:08 +0000 2016
"I Haven't Been Able To Sleep For Weeks," "God, Somebody Please Help Me:" Nameless Corporation's New Fear Implants Receiving "Rave Reviews"
Tue Jun 07 20:44:24 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Reveals to Reporters Exactly How Each Will Die
Tue Jun 07 20:39:05 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Reveals to Reporters Exactly How Each Will Die
Tue Jun 07 20:39:05 +0000 2016
Sanders: "The Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Has Always Stood for Integrity, Justice, & Ominous Prophecy"
Tue Jun 07 20:38:09 +0000 2016
"No Such Thing:" Questioned on VP Pick, Clinton Stiffens, Growls at Reporters
Tue Jun 07 20:37:17 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Pressed on Independent Challenge, Clinton Demands "Duel at Dawn" with Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods
Tue Jun 07 20:34:54 +0000 2016
when you think about it dead trump likely better than clinton re:zombie rights, wise witch could clinch his victory https://t.co/3CMLXYgB67
— @caurinus
Tue Jun 07 20:34:03 +0000 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Reportedly Mulling Independent Challenge to Clinton
Tue Jun 07 19:07:11 +0000 2016
US Navy to Deploy Thousands of Wrathful Sea Beasts Against Unspecified "Enemies"
Tue Jun 07 19:05:44 +0000 2016
Analysts: Trump Could Become "One of a Long Line" of Presidents Elected Post-Mortem
Tue Jun 07 19:02:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Typical political grandstanding, trying to take credit for what's already done. This was a done deal when the TPP was signed.
— @grim_roc
Tue Jun 07 16:52:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I always said China should just be replaced with china.
— @pvlstaven
Tue Jun 07 16:49:56 +0000 2016
Clinton Vows to "Replace the Chinese" with "Intricate Porcelain Idols"
Tue Jun 07 07:55:55 +0000 2016
"Please Forgive Us:" Adobe Drops Copyright Claims to Number "5" After Something Vast, Dark, & Terrible Descends on Corporate Headquarters
Tue Jun 07 07:10:46 +0000 2016
Love Debunked
Tue Jun 07 03:05:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Political Analysts: "President Obama Has Set a New Standard for Government Transparency"
— @softfennec
Mon Jun 06 22:20:09 +0000 2016
"Let Me Be Completely Clear:" Obama Turns Perfectly Transparent During Press Conference
Mon Jun 06 21:39:02 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities fully intends to appeal this outrageous abuse of IP law. https://t.co/XY1WhsrPRZ
— @ApprovedNews5
Mon Jun 06 21:08:47 +0000 2016
USDA Adds Category of Carcinogens to Food Pyramid
Mon Jun 06 03:08:08 +0000 2016
Dems Mull Bill to Overrule Federal Corpse Commission on Charnel Pits
Sun Jun 05 15:07:42 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Small, Fuzzy Lemur
Sun Jun 05 15:04:16 +0000 2016
Controversial New Study Shows Helmet-Wearing Cyclists "Ten Times As Likely" to Contract Soul Cancer
Sun Jun 05 14:53:42 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL)'s "Shadowy Connections" to DARPA, Raytheon Raise Concerns in Senate Ethics Committee
Sun Jun 05 14:49:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I mean, it's just common knowledge that Games Workshop predates the Forsaken Party by at least 100 years, and electricity.
— @TeaKJackson
Sun Jun 05 13:51:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Gee, I'm glad we had experts on site. I'd have thought the blood and bones meant he dug a hole with a toothbrush.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jun 05 13:50:45 +0000 2016
Eurogroup chief: "I'm for secret, dark debates." @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/hCRYhfuPMX
— @pvlstaven
Sun Jun 05 13:50:35 +0000 2016
"It's Time Something Was Done:" Officials "Exasperated" as Flaming Skull Motif Once More Replaces All Instances of US Treasury Logo
Sun Jun 05 05:18:29 +0000 2016
"It's Time For A New Beginning:" Shakespeare Resurrection Society Disavows Previous Use of Unlicensed Necromancy
Sun Jun 05 05:17:19 +0000 2016
Court Upholds Adobe Trademark on Number 5
Sun Jun 05 05:16:13 +0000 2016
Analysis of Bone-Strewn, Blood-Streaked Cell Claims Deposed Albanian Bonelord Donjetat the Despoiler Escaped Custody Through "Dread Rites"
Sun Jun 05 05:07:10 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Deposed Albanian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Escapes UN Custody
Sun Jun 05 05:04:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The truth will set Them free!
— @vblasv
Sun Jun 05 05:02:06 +0000 2016
"Run While You Still Can:" Conspiracy Correspondent Ángela Portillo Warns Secretary-General Yoor's Offer Appears To Be "Completely Genuine"
Sun Jun 05 05:01:56 +0000 2016
"There Is No Trap, There Is No Trick:" Secretary-General Yoor Proclaims "All Shall Be Laid Bare" at Upcoming Press Conference
Sun Jun 05 05:00:33 +0000 2016
"It's A Trap:" Veteran Illuminati Reporters Warn Secretary-General Yoor's "Sudden Honesty" "Merely A Ruse"
Sun Jun 05 04:59:14 +0000 2016
"I Will Answer All of Your Questions:" Illuminati Secretary General Ulikh Yoor Announces Emergency Press Conference
Sun Jun 05 04:58:20 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Bone Party Candidate Rises Slowly Against Colorless, Darkening Sky as Faint Piping of Bone Flutes Heard All Around
Sun Jun 05 04:42:59 +0000 2016
"It's Not Even Running:" Clinton Dismisses Debate Demands by Eerie Mist Rising Off Potomac River as "Ludicrous," "Conceited"
Sun Jun 05 04:39:15 +0000 2016
Eerie Mist Rising Off Potomac River Demands Debate With Clinton, Nameless Bone Party Candidate
Sun Jun 05 04:38:39 +0000 2016
Games Workshop Sues Forsaken Party for Intellectual Property Rights Infringement Over Use of "Skulls for the Skull Throne" Slogan
Sun Jun 05 04:34:59 +0000 2016
FULL TRANSCRIPT | Microsoft's Vancouver Bombing Apology https://t.co/0DjnM1wNVZ
Sun Jun 05 04:04:01 +0000 2016
Microsoft Spokesman: "I Regret the Bloodthirsty Glee With Which We Slaughtered the People of Vancouver, Who Had Done Nothing To Wrong Us"
Sun Jun 05 03:29:37 +0000 2016
Microsoft Spokesman: "The Use of Multiple Strategic Nuclear Weapons Against Innocent Citizens Was, In Retrospect, A Mistake"
Sun Jun 05 03:28:14 +0000 2016
After Decades of Silence, Microsoft Finally Apologizes for 1963 Bombing of Vancouver
Sun Jun 05 03:22:50 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
In "Moving Statement," Shambling Revenants Marching on Washington Begin Devouring Unwary Children, Lesser Rodents
Sun Jun 05 03:21:35 +0000 2016
Citing Disastrous Independent Candidacy in 2000, Clinton Decries Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods as "Discredited Political Hack"
Sun Jun 05 03:19:23 +0000 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Endorses Bernie Sanders
Sun Jun 05 03:17:10 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Shambling Revenants March on Washington to Demand "
STRANGLED GURGLING
," "[GNASHING OF TEETH]"
Sun Jun 05 03:15:35 +0000 2016
Zoning Mishap Leads to Bloodshed, "Epic Slaughter"
Sun Jun 05 03:14:23 +0000 2016
Broadway Musical Adaptation of Nuremberg Trials Announced
Sun Jun 05 03:10:12 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 She only says that to imply that other candidates support prolonged, agonizing infant death!
— @pvlstaven
Sat Jun 04 21:49:38 +0000 2016
In Move Widely Decried as "Cynical," Clinton Endorses Cancer, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Sat Jun 04 20:55:54 +0000 2016
Forsaken Party Unveils 2016 Party Platform https://t.co/iwq0H5Q5Zt
Fri Jun 03 07:15:47 +0000 2016
A factory in Baltimore produces vast quantities of dismal failure.
— @MagicRealismBot
Fri Jun 03 00:07:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Not a single vampire? So much for inclusive hiring policies.
— @jdaggar
Thu Jun 02 23:42:36 +0000 2016
"There Are No Vampires in the Department of Transportation:" Obama Refutes ACLU Accusations
Thu Jun 02 23:34:18 +0000 2016
This Paul Ryan quote comes from his frank and wide-ranging pre-convention interview with @ApprovedNews6, presumably? https://t.co/QS7jzsr5md
— @benward
Thu Jun 02 21:33:54 +0000 2016
@caurinus You're never safe, but searing neural pain is generally a sign that you aren't infected. If the pain stops, worry. @ApprovedNews6
— @Xaosopher
Thu Jun 02 07:53:51 +0000 2016
Experts: "Nobody is Ever Safe" https://t.co/j0HK0Mv53v
Thu Jun 02 07:45:22 +0000 2016
Citizens Outraged by Failure of Carson City Police Department to Prevent Contamination Prevention Seminars
Thu Jun 02 07:42:08 +0000 2016
Hundreds Contaminated by Contamination Prevention Seminar in Carson City, Nevada
Thu Jun 02 07:41:44 +0000 2016
Florida Man Killed by Radioactive Soviet Pornography Sues EPA
Thu Jun 02 06:38:57 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Charitable Blood Donation Letters Were Inside You All Along. Consult a Qualified Physician to Extract Them https://t.co/YXI5Fhquo6
Wed Jun 01 23:20:58 +0000 2016
Did you know that @ApprovedNews6 is the only properly licensed prophet, and you can already give it money as well as your souls
— @pookleblinky
Wed Jun 01 23:20:15 +0000 2016
Fucking figures, another example of our dysfunctional gridlocked Congress https://t.co/M7AWgnAIoL
— @tabatkins
Wed Jun 01 21:54:06 +0000 2016
Republicans Block Bill to Grant Secretary of the Treasury Powers of Prophecy, Flight
Wed Jun 01 21:52:50 +0000 2016
Clinton Vows Presidency Will Mark "At Least 4" Mass Extinction Events
Wed Jun 01 02:25:00 +0000 2016
Florida Professor Arrested for "Mathematical Terrorism"
Wed Jun 01 00:17:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Museum Bank accused of trying to reduce competition from "ghoul and lich" investors
— @formercrsc
Tue May 31 23:43:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 futures futures are all right, but when you start getting into credit default time-swaps...
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue May 31 23:43:10 +0000 2016
Time-Traveling Bankers Call on Americans to "Invest in the Future"
Tue May 31 23:32:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ugh, goddamn perennial third party candidates.
— @PhilDarnowsky
Tue May 31 19:10:44 +0000 2016
SOURCES: https://t.co/bpPTigZhf8
Tue May 31 19:07:05 +0000 2016
Green Party Officials: "With the Blood of the Innocent, We Petition the Gods to Keep Him Dead"
Tue May 31 19:01:18 +0000 2016
Memorial Service for Late Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Draws Hundreds of Screaming, Chained Sacrificial Victims
Tue May 31 19:00:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4cb148Y12y
— @equinoxmaster99
Tue May 31 17:45:43 +0000 2016
Armani Announces New Range of "Luxury" Men's Skulls
Tue May 31 17:42:31 +0000 2016
Without a Viable Candidate, Republican Party Calls on Voters to "Vote Trump Anyway," in Hopes of "Luring Him Back Across The Veil of Death"
Tue May 31 17:22:42 +0000 2016
ELECTION 2016: "We Need A President We Can Count On To Be Rude To Young People," Say Concerned Parents
Tue May 31 17:21:34 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
MacDonald's CEO Speaks to Reporters, Teeth Rotted Away, Blood Dripping From Mouth
Tue May 31 01:23:56 +0000 2016
Customers "Skeptical" as MacDonald's Announces Plan to Replace All Food Offerings With Bowls of Ground Glass
Mon May 30 20:24:47 +0000 2016
@TheBoundWatcher @ApprovedNews6 I think that’s more information than we’ve had up until now?
— @insomniacity
Mon May 30 08:00:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Call me old fashioned, but email and texts just don't feel as personal as a hand written letter delivered by a flying lizard.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Sun May 29 22:53:50 +0000 2016
As "Compromise," US Post Office Announces Plans to Maintain "Heritage Flying Lizard Squad"
Sun May 29 21:59:15 +0000 2016
contribute to my only source of income and help me (and the roommate who depends on me) to survive at https://t.co/76qHXUf8G3
— @velartrill
Sun May 29 21:58:38 +0000 2016
reminder that if you like me, my stories, or the more than 100k words i've written of @ApprovedNews6 over the last few years, you can
— @velartrill
Sun May 29 21:58:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 all questions about "Project Grinning Lizard" answered with "Project Grinning Lizard is Project Grinning Lizard"
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sun May 29 21:23:46 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Sun May 29 19:00:25 +0000 2016
Yugoslavia "Fully Subsumed," Say Sources
Sun May 29 18:46:17 +0000 2016
Clinton Challenges Sun to Staring Contest
Sun May 29 05:53:24 +0000 2016
Democratic Leadership Issues Statement to Press: "We Must Speak in Tautologies Today Because We Must Speak in Tautologies Today"
Sun May 29 05:38:57 +0000 2016
As Part of "Project Grinning Lizard," All Elected Officials Required to Speak Only in Tautologies for Remainder of Day
Sat May 28 19:30:47 +0000 2016
After Months of Tension, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Revokes Refuges Status of Vermont Dreadlord-in-Exile Theodore Blitzenreich
Sat May 28 16:23:53 +0000 2016
7 Dead in London by "Erotically" Eating a Doughnut
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat May 28 06:11:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SETI plans to send back "THANKS, WE'RE GOOD"
— @pvlstaven
Sat May 28 05:20:32 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Brightness of Proxima Centauri Fluctuating to Spell "HELP" in Morse Code
Sat May 28 04:23:54 +0000 2016
Obama Refuses to Comment on Purging Library of Congress of All Copies of the Codex Salamandrium
Sat May 28 01:23:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 If the transatlantic pipeline project fails, the US will run out of genderfluid by 2025.
— @pvlstaven
Sat May 28 00:54:57 +0000 2016
Prime Minister of Sharkoslovakia Offers "Sincere Apologies" to American Ambassador Eaten by Sharks
Sat May 28 00:54:25 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Recommend Teens Practice "Quantum Abstinence"
Sat May 28 00:46:10 +0000 2016
Survivors of Trump: 'There is horror here'
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat May 28 00:08:17 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Blame "Thoughtless Teens" for Depleting National Strategic Gender Reserve
Fri May 27 20:04:22 +0000 2016
After Protracted Land War, Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Annexes Spain
Fri May 27 18:37:39 +0000 2016
Man Who Emerged from The Zone to be "Dropped From A High Place" in Accordance With "The Sevenfold Law"
Fri May 27 05:58:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
CNN Operatives Attempt to Steal the Great News Orb from Approved News 6 Dread Fortress' Vaults
Fri May 27 05:31:22 +0000 2016
Department of Defense Officials Announce "CODE GOLDEN BANJO," Don Gas Masks, Refuse to Elaborate
Fri May 27 05:26:00 +0000 2016
All Copy on Posters in Amtrak Terminals Replaced Overnight by Phrase "The Ebon Wren" Repeated Over & Over
Fri May 27 05:23:01 +0000 2016
Obama Turns Deathly Pale, Backs Slowly Out of Press Room After Realizing All Seats Filled by Exact Replicas of President
Fri May 27 05:20:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 i was wondering what that extremely loud screaming was
— @President_Ark
Fri May 27 05:18:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 she knew the risks when she accepted the invitation to the welcome banquet
— @timserpas
Fri May 27 05:18:09 +0000 2016
Host Terry McAvoy of NBC's "Brutal Breakfast" Found Not Guilty on Murder Charges After Entire Court Mysteriously Poisoned
Fri May 27 05:17:33 +0000 2016
Boston Terrorcube Reopens After Widespread Protest
Fri May 27 05:15:13 +0000 2016
Clanking Figures With Sagging Skin Emerge From Manholes Nationwide Carrying Cinderblocks, Spools of Wire, Steam Pouring From Gaping Mouths
Fri May 27 05:14:05 +0000 2016
Amid Calls for Censorship, Popular Children's Book "Billy & The Master of All Human Anguish" Receives Newbery Award
Fri May 27 05:08:46 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Help Us Maintain Our Thorium Stockpiles With A Monthly Donation to Approved News 6 https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri May 27 05:07:18 +0000 2016
"The Detroit Noise" Polling Ahead of Other Contenders in Detroit Mayor's Race
Fri May 27 05:06:24 +0000 2016
Federal Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Dorian P. Kakopoulos Calls on "Patriotic Americans" to "Drug Your Congressional Representatives"
Fri May 27 05:04:37 +0000 2016
Eerie Mist Rising off Potomac River Denies Sex Tape Allegations
Fri May 27 04:55:50 +0000 2016
American Ambassador to Sharkoslovakia Eaten by Sharks
Fri May 27 04:53:18 +0000 2016
"His Power Is Waning:" Obama Seen to Cast Shadow for First Time Since Taking Office
Fri May 27 04:51:06 +0000 2016
After Weeks of Negotiations, Officials "No Closer" to Persuading Megyn Kelly to Leave International Space Station
Fri May 27 04:49:42 +0000 2016
President Alligator of South Florida Institutes "Harsh" New Tax Code
Fri May 27 04:47:56 +0000 2016
Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker Arrested in Connection with Crimes
Fri May 27 04:46:42 +0000 2016
Sources: Federal Ghouls May Soon Unionize
Fri May 27 04:39:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Its left wing is far larger than its right hydraulic claws.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Fri May 27 04:38:32 +0000 2016
"They Have Stolen Your Children," "They Have Stolen Our Future:" Gov. Dayton "Unapologetic" for Second Raid on Great Minnesota Steamworks
Fri May 27 04:36:36 +0000 2016
"No Respect For The Prophecy of Old:" Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton Slammed for "Radical" Order to Raid Great Minnesota Steamworks
Fri May 27 04:35:33 +0000 2016
Minnesota Governor Authorizes Unprecedented Second Yearly Raid on the Great Minnesota Steamworks
Fri May 27 04:34:16 +0000 2016
Grotesque Biomechanical Monstrosity Lurking in San Francisco Sewers Criticized for "Partisan Bias"
Fri May 27 04:32:30 +0000 2016
New Bill Would Require All Presidential Candidates to Undergo Conscience Removal by Laser Ablation
Fri May 27 04:31:52 +0000 2016
Seventh Immaculate Master of the Tenfold Divine Impossibilities Marissa Caldwell Arrested in Cocaine Bust
Fri May 27 04:30:10 +0000 2016
Horse That Replaced Marco Rubio Implicated in Deadly Stampede
Fri May 27 04:28:02 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be Tiny, Adorable Turtle
Fri May 27 04:19:00 +0000 2016
Microsoft bomb site more popular than ever among foreign tourists
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri May 27 03:09:00 +0000 2016
House Leadership Criticized for Use of "Powerful Amulets" During Debates
Thu May 26 22:21:17 +0000 2016
Republicans Hail Ruling As End of "Burdensome Overregulation" on Charnel Houses
Thu May 26 22:19:57 +0000 2016
Federal Corpse Commission: Charnel Pits "Will No Longer Be Regulated As Funeral Pyres"
Thu May 26 22:19:06 +0000 2016
Attorney General Is Done Apologizing All the Time Thanks to Beyoncé and Her Dad
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu May 26 20:08:22 +0000 2016
Crow takes off with knife from crime scene in Vancouver https://t.co/dwJRLJF6aN https://t.co/dapLVQa5Rp
— @CBCNews
Thu May 26 20:00:32 +0000 2016
Today only: share your passwords with the NSA for 7 loyalty points!
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu May 26 07:23:03 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/JUTvoIgnby
— @rhcm123
Thu May 26 07:19:38 +0000 2016
NOAA Dismisses "Baseless Fearmongering" https://t.co/oA77b7oN9Y
Wed May 25 08:21:46 +0000 2016
Department of Justice Announces New Regulations Prohibiting Federal Ghouls From Stealing Children Without A Warrant
Wed May 25 01:19:05 +0000 2016
Democrats Push Back Against Republican Criticism: Spiteful Prism "A Cornerstone of American Democracy," Mortality Tax "Vital"
Wed May 25 01:08:41 +0000 2016
RELATED: Bill Before Senate Would Greatly Restrict Taxation Powers of "The Spiteful Prism"
Wed May 25 01:06:36 +0000 2016
Republicans Condemn "The Spiteful Prism" For Mortality Tax
Wed May 25 01:03:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Unexplained? Pull the other one, if it wasn't workplace negligence I'll sacrifice my grandmother.
— @Samuelmeadows33
Tue May 24 17:48:20 +0000 2016
Unexplained Fire Destroys MIT Department of Pyrokinesis
Tue May 24 09:52:38 +0000 2016
SPONSORED: https://t.co/o1Z7y0sdmA @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Tue May 24 05:14:10 +0000 2016
Kansas Man With Truck Covered in Blood and Shit Is on Fire!!!
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon May 23 18:12:11 +0000 2016
Please support @ApprovedNews6 at https://t.co/XRBDTsFAJH to continue to enjoy [REDACTED] on Twitter
— @BadExampleMan
Mon May 23 06:39:24 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/OU7srVqOpn
Mon May 23 06:10:56 +0000 2016
"A Decision Has Been Reached:" Obama Calls Solemn Press Conference, Passes Sealed Letters to 7 Reporters
Mon May 23 03:37:00 +0000 2016
FBI backdoors lead to insecure horses! Is that what you want?! https://t.co/lX6Tsq2XpJ
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sun May 22 22:54:10 +0000 2016
@tjon_t @ApprovedNews6 “Horses in the cloud” just mean horses in some other dread god’s stable!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sun May 22 22:54:03 +0000 2016
@BlueSpaceCanary @ApprovedNews6 I knew horse escrow was a bad idea
— @tjon_t
Sun May 22 22:54:01 +0000 2016
Study: Most American-Made Horses Have "Catastrophic" Security Flaws
Sun May 22 22:50:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Let's give credit to mutant rights activists who've risked incineration to emerge from their caves and pressure him on this.
— @listelian
Sun May 22 22:47:20 +0000 2016
"Finally, We Can Talk About Florists & Appendectomies Again:" Anglophones "Relieved" After Stolen Words Returned to English Language
Sun May 22 20:56:25 +0000 2016
Florida Man Arrested After Stealing 75 "Vital" Words From English Language
Sun May 22 20:55:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 After I went to all that effort to stabilize my factory. For Shame, Harry Reid. For Shame.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sun May 22 20:07:42 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Bloodhorn wants to put transdimensional terrorists in your town, your home, your bedroom, and your skin!
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Sun May 22 18:43:09 +0000 2016
15-Year-Old Boy Arrested for Carrying Archie Comics
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun May 22 18:11:34 +0000 2016
"The Void Between Worlds is a Vital Part of the American Prison System:" Republicans Condemn Charles J. Bloodhorn As "Soft on Crime"
Sun May 22 18:04:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Why? It's not like it's ever going to get full!
— @pvlstaven
Sun May 22 18:03:48 +0000 2016
"It's Time For America To Stop Banishing Convicts To The Endless Void:" Charles J. Bloodhorn Calls for End to Extradimensional Detainment
Sun May 22 17:59:56 +0000 2016
RELATED: Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) Sponsors Bill to Allow Mutants to Use Personal Names
Sun May 22 17:51:17 +0000 2016
Illinois Priest Stirs Controversy After Presiding Over Illegal Human-Mutant Marriage
Sun May 22 17:33:34 +0000 2016
"Overregulation At Its Worst:" Republicans Outraged by Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV)'s Bill to Criminalize Domestic Black Hole Production
Sun May 22 17:31:15 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Clandestine Operations Department Reports "Successful Assassination" of Government Agents Blocking Approved Transmissions
Sun May 22 17:19:07 +0000 2016
I hope the @ApprovedNews6 Action Team is on their way https://t.co/kDLfqAtQfj
— @substitute
Sun May 22 15:50:19 +0000 2016
Men in Black Suits, Dark Sunglasses Interrupt Obama Press Conference to Demand "Status" of "The Containment Facility"
Sat May 21 05:06:38 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/BuYoswI8DD
Fri May 20 15:04:54 +0000 2016
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: Five Telltale Signs Covert Government Operatives May Be Selectively Jamming or Delaying Your News Reception, Only on AN6
Fri May 20 02:48:31 +0000 2016
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: Is There Too Much Nudity & Violence In Today's Supreme Court Decisions? Learn the Shocking Truth, Only on Approved News 6
Wed May 18 23:41:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: https://t.co/JRcdJXYYjJ
— @_ardeej
Wed May 18 18:48:21 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/6TxsqOvaz6
— @DelilahFizz
Wed May 18 16:41:16 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, DARPA Sources Herd Reporters Into Massive, Rumbling Machine https://t.co/UT3DqExtIl
Wed May 18 05:59:16 +0000 2016
Researchers Prove 4 Common Cryptosystems Vulnerable to Darkest Bone Magicks
Tue May 17 20:40:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 that should please her paymasters in the Necromancy Industrial Complex. #cuibono
— @naebD
Tue May 17 20:11:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Just doesn't have the same ring to it as "We Know Where You Live"
— @khymchanur
Tue May 17 20:11:17 +0000 2016
"Death to the Salamander King:" Clinton Unveils New Campaign Slogan
Tue May 17 19:32:13 +0000 2016
WITH METAL GROG MEN CAN FINALLY CONSUME BERRIES
— @man_products
Tue May 17 11:23:38 +0000 2016
the year is 2019. gender is over. tweeting is illegal. you can pay to fuck a drone
— @abolishentropy
Tue May 17 11:18:54 +0000 2016
For the record, @ApprovedNews6 is making my mornings a lot less awful. You should let them make yours less awful too.
— @pax_draconis
Tue May 17 06:41:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Reminds one of the Do-Right controversy of 1961, when he was removed from the RCMP for eating peas with a knife.
— @munin
Tue May 17 05:45:59 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Furious as School Librarians Refuse to Ban "Billy & The Master of All Human Anguish" Over Depictions of Bad Table Manners
Tue May 17 05:37:25 +0000 2016
"He Wasn't Even A Very Good Candidate:" Republican Party Leaders Issue Public Plea to Supporters to Cease Trump Resurrection Attempts
Tue May 17 05:31:18 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
White House Press Secretary Whirs Briefly, Begins Reciting Sequence of Numbers
Tue May 17 05:24:50 +0000 2016
7 Easy Steps to Teach Your Cat Basic Mind Control Techniques
Tue May 17 05:22:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Selfishness Is The Most American & Approved Of All Virtues https://t.co/VbnwERXDEH
Tue May 17 05:20:49 +0000 2016
Obama Wanders Into Press Room, Inserts Microchip Into Panel on Seemingly Oblivious Press Secretary's Head
Tue May 17 05:19:30 +0000 2016
New Law Would Create Discrimination Protections for "The Crimefolk"
Tue May 17 03:17:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Expert Calls Attention to NSA's Outdated Equipment https://t.co/ZjWtkY4XuE
— @_ardeej
Mon May 16 17:59:52 +0000 2016
Study: More And More Republicans Becoming Snakes in Protest
Mon May 16 07:01:42 +0000 2016
"SUCCUMB:" Clinton Releases Single-Word Statement on Orb Policy
Mon May 16 06:44:05 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Get Rich Quick: Become A Shambling Revenant Today!
Mon May 16 06:37:48 +0000 2016
Obama: "Strategic Ash Reserves" Running "Dangerously Low"
Sun May 15 16:50:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 i would like to report some unapproved news https://t.co/Ry2yeYjG2L
— @caurinus
Sun May 15 16:35:22 +0000 2016
Clinton Briefly Replaced by Urgent Error Message
Sun May 15 03:04:31 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
All Reputable Mathematicians Agree Larger Numbers Are Better Than Smaller Numbers https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q https://t.co/fdTN4WaDAU
Sat May 14 16:57:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Physicist Announces Big Discovery https://t.co/K4rIBoSEXg
— @_ardeej
Sat May 14 16:55:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Physicist Announces Big Discovery https://t.co/K4rIBoSEXg
— @_ardeej
Sat May 14 16:55:33 +0000 2016
Annual Los Angeles Doom Festival Canceled Due To Inclement Fate
Sat May 14 05:00:31 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Declares Festival of Sorrow
Sat May 14 04:59:01 +0000 2016
"There Is Only One Of Him," "Only One, Do You Hear Us:" Secret Service Denies Existence of Obama Replica
Sat May 14 04:58:11 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Enormous Skeletal Figure, Obama Attacked By Exact Replica https://t.co/nxCQooOY8e
Sat May 14 04:57:45 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
"Enormous Skeletal Figure" Leading Group of Hairless Children In "Elaborate Dance" on White House Lawn
Sat May 14 04:56:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 NOAA Representative Confirms: Residents Do Not Have To "physically reside" In New Mexico, "running is useless"
— @zacaj_
Sat May 14 04:51:43 +0000 2016
NOAA: Incoming Cold Front Will Kill Every Resident of New Mexico
Sat May 14 04:49:43 +0000 2016
TONIGHT ON APPROVED NEWS 6: We Interview The Youngest Victim Yet Rescued In Annual Raids on the Great Minnesota Steamworks
Sat May 14 04:47:38 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Admits To Using Drones To Hunt "The Unproductive"
Sat May 14 04:43:32 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
Airtight, Windowless Boxes Are The Future Of America
Sat May 14 04:38:37 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Being Forced Into Airtight, Windowless Boxes Is A Disrespectful Millennial Fad
Sat May 14 04:37:35 +0000 2016
Study: More & More Americans "Clamoring" to be Forced Into Airtight, Windowless Boxes
Sat May 14 04:36:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 A drenching with a quality pine-based cleaner is more than enough to kill this type of press release.
— @ladyjax
Sat May 14 03:15:47 +0000 2016
"Hundreds" May Have Been Exposed to Flesh-Eating Press Release
Fri May 13 23:41:40 +0000 2016
Republicans: Obama Administration's New Bug Policy "Paves the Way" For "Cannibals, the Unclean" to "Invade Our Children's Brains"
Fri May 13 21:52:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5BXJK6YRPI
— @_ardeej
Fri May 13 21:41:09 +0000 2016
Grotesque Biomechanical Monstrosity Lurking in San Francisco Sewers Endorses Clinton
Fri May 13 20:50:05 +0000 2016
Forsaken Party Candidate Could Become First Fungus to be Elected President
Fri May 13 20:08:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/OHG1ny3Gx7
— @gilmourtaylor
Thu May 12 21:54:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/r1U2TCajnA
— @rabcyr
Thu May 12 17:37:56 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 @Scarfolk https://t.co/DYwpfdhwYv
— @Gweskoyen
Thu May 12 17:37:52 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Testing "Innovative" New Medical Treatment to Remove Consciences Through "Laser Ablation"
Thu May 12 07:22:30 +0000 2016
MIT Announces Breakthrough in Fate-Based Technology, "As Foretold in Prophecy"
Thu May 12 07:13:23 +0000 2016
"Rest Assured, My Administration Remains Committed to Preventing World Peace:" Obama Praised For "Strong Reassurance"
Thu May 12 07:11:03 +0000 2016
Obama Speaks to Press to Calm Fears of Peace
Thu May 12 07:09:55 +0000 2016
Seventh Immaculate Master of the Tenfold Divine Impossibilities Marissa Caldwell Arrested for Impersonating Police Officer
Thu May 12 05:55:28 +0000 2016
New CNN Program to Offer "Quantum Commentary"
Thu May 12 00:05:57 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral Ends Early After Pastor Dragged Into Sewers by Hundreds of Emaciated, Shrieking Sewer People
Thu May 12 00:05:54 +0000 2016
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Unexpectedly Teleports Into Trump Funeral, Kidnaps Three Audience Members
Wed May 11 23:59:26 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: Security "Gently Removes" Panicked Scientist, Confiscates Ticking Brass Sphere, Bloodstained Lab Coat
Wed May 11 23:57:58 +0000 2016
"It's Going Critical:" Panicked Scientist Rushes To Podium at Trump Funeral, Holds Up Arrhythmically Ticking Brass Sphere
Wed May 11 23:56:56 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: Impossible Man That Briefly Stalked GOP Candidate Tells of "Many Fascinating Roaches" Found Under Trump's Carpets
Wed May 11 23:52:23 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: White House "Monitoring Situation," But Refuses to Authorize Airstrike
Wed May 11 23:48:22 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: Billionaire's Closest Friends Recount "Memorable Moments" With Late GOP Nominee, Vomiting Black, Wriggling Tar Into Audience
Wed May 11 23:42:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 *Only* of wet insectile buzzing? ONLY? I'll have you know that was one of the most beautiful eulogies I've ever heard!
— @Samuelmeadows33
Wed May 11 23:42:00 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: Horse That Replaced Marco Rubio Stands Silently At Podium, Chewing on Severed Human Arm
Wed May 11 23:40:20 +0000 2016
Trump Funeral: Faceless Pastor Delivers Eulogy Consisting Only of Wet, Insectile Buzzing While Sun Flickers
Wed May 11 23:37:28 +0000 2016
Ritual Human Sacrifices at Trump Funeral Service "A Touching Farewell," Say Attendees
Wed May 11 23:35:15 +0000 2016
Ben Carson "Subsumed By The Moon," Say Sources
Wed May 11 22:29:15 +0000 2016
Watch a Volcano Birth an Entire Airline
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed May 11 22:11:27 +0000 2016
Rising Prices in San Francisco Housing Market Blamed on "Spider Hordes"
Wed May 11 20:08:14 +0000 2016
can i take this class in place of my sacrificial victim internship, it's an unpaid internship & i don't want to die https://t.co/AmNypuNVwZ
— @caurinus
Wed May 11 19:22:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Degradation Specialist: “Ethics Will Ruin This Profession”
— @softfennec
Wed May 11 18:11:19 +0000 2016
New MIT "Ethical Degradation" Course Raises Eyebrows in Academic Community
Wed May 11 17:20:08 +0000 2016
7 Cases of Blood-Madness Blamed on the Detroit Noise
Wed May 11 04:44:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The invokers of daemons will like this. Give them a bigger market for compacted labor.
— @munin
Wed May 11 04:41:39 +0000 2016
International Necromancers of the World Condemns Dead Rights Activists for "Job-Killing" Demands
Wed May 11 04:40:03 +0000 2016
Dead Rights Activists Call For "Million-Man Lurch" on Washington
Wed May 11 04:37:39 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Nebraska Terrorswarm, Obama Inscribes Rune of Flensing on Reporter's Forehead
Tue May 10 22:01:29 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies On Viewer Contributions To Supply Its Reporters With Antivenins, Machetes https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue May 10 20:13:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 from yr international correspondent https://t.co/HOrsCtsZbi
— @AndysDrawings
Tue May 10 19:51:54 +0000 2016
Finally, they got some facts on Wikipedia. https://t.co/HMVP5HTXFy
— @kalebhorton
Tue May 10 19:51:36 +0000 2016
ACT OF TERROR: Catastrophic Helium Attack by "Master Terrorists" at Major Airport Leaves Thousands With "Embarrassingly Squeaky" Voices
Tue May 10 07:08:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Today in History: https://t.co/Mns2PvkOdR
— @_ardeej
Mon May 09 19:55:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Expert: The Ocean Should Not Be Believed https://t.co/VtiwRj3u62
— @_ardeej
Mon May 09 17:47:30 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 finally someone is reporting the GOOD news
— @substitute
Mon May 09 01:57:51 +0000 2016
REDACTED
Mon May 09 01:38:04 +0000 2016
Can Retweets Cause Cancer? Find Out Tonight at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sun May 08 23:13:00 +0000 2016
Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL): Children Who Cannot Compose Votive Poetry Under Pressure Should Be "Put To Death," "Lest The Orb Grow Impatient"
Sun May 08 22:45:23 +0000 2016
Pressed for Details, Obama Shakes Head Sadly as White House Staffers Fill Press Room With Sand
Sun May 08 22:34:15 +0000 2016
Obama to Reporters: "Trouble Me Not with These Trifles of the Flesh"
Sun May 08 22:26:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That fraud stole the election.
— @ZamboAce
Sun May 08 18:02:14 +0000 2016
appalling lack of professionalism these days. https://t.co/HL1AO0YT7s
— @nailbomb3
Sun May 08 17:35:02 +0000 2016
A Malaysian neurosurgeon searches for a pair of spectacles which let her see every sin happening around the world.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sun May 08 06:04:41 +0000 2016
Republicans in Uproar Over Rumors of Second Bone Cavern Summit
Sun May 08 04:31:36 +0000 2016
With Only Moments to Spare, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, Green Party Crown New Dark Secretary of Deschutes National Forest
Sun May 08 04:24:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 in retaliation the Council ambassador changed his name to Baron von '; DROP TABLE AMBASSADORS; --
— @PhilDarnowsky
Sun May 08 01:06:12 +0000 2016
Exalted Council of Seven: "These Assholes Are Fucking With Us," "They Know Plain Well Our Personnel Databases Can't Handle Unicode Yet"
Sun May 08 00:41:01 +0000 2016
Illuminati Appoints Noted
REDACTED
Bilgrað ʞik Yǝrɥir as Ambassador to Exalted Council of Seven
Sun May 08 00:38:33 +0000 2016
"What Carson Did, I've Never Seen Anything Like It:" Necromancy Correspondent Paula West Reports on Trump Assassination
Sat May 07 22:58:05 +0000 2016
"The Gate Has Been Sealed:" Professional Necromancers Issue Report on Failed Trump Resurrection Rituals
Sat May 07 22:55:59 +0000 2016
Failed Bank Robbery Calls Into Question Secretary of Crime's Credentials
Sat May 07 19:10:47 +0000 2016
Dozens of Trump Supporters
REDACTED
in Failed Necromantic Ritual
Sat May 07 16:01:29 +0000 2016
typical environmentalist feel-good mentality. wizards are an blight not a blessing. also they keep eating our worms https://t.co/XwC7HSsypc
— @caurinus
Sat May 07 05:54:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 SF Bay Area Bogdwellers and Marshfellows Society: "Bugger that, you keep 'em!", said Representative Barney Frink, now a Toad
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Sat May 07 05:54:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Now, that's what I call art! He will be missed dearly.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat May 07 05:41:58 +0000 2016
California Wildlife Conservation League Urges San Francisco to Return Wizards Infesting Sewers to "Natural Habitat" of Bogs, Marshes
Sat May 07 05:40:13 +0000 2016
Inspectors: "Labyrinthine" San Francisco Sewers Likely Home to "Dozens" of Wizard Nests
Sat May 07 05:33:12 +0000 2016
San Francisco Flamethrower Brigade Descends into City's Ancient, Cavernous Sewers to Drive Out Wizard Infestation
Sat May 07 05:32:05 +0000 2016
Green Party Creates Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Memorial Scholarship To Placate Youth Who Seem Likely To Seize Violent Control of Green Party
Sat May 07 04:59:00 +0000 2016
"Exciting" New Twitter Feature To "Randomly Disable" Users' Lungs
Sat May 07 04:18:01 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on the Generosity of
REDACTED
Like You to Bring You Quality Debate Coverage https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sat May 07 03:55:53 +0000 2016
Lawyers on Last Will & Testament of Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm: "It's Mostly Angry Scribbles in Human Blood, & Some Drawings of Flowers"
Sat May 07 03:41:17 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Sources Report Trump Willed "Thousands of Casks" of Skunk Urine to Previous Contenders for GOP Nomination
Sat May 07 03:39:25 +0000 2016
Lawyers Reviewing Trump's Will Report Late GOP Candidate Left "Hundreds of Metric Tons" of Skunk Organs to Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders
Sat May 07 03:37:27 +0000 2016
Purpose Seemingly Fulfilled, Great Glowing Crevice on Lunar Surface At Long Last Seals Itself
Sat May 07 03:29:36 +0000 2016
Obama: "While We Never Saw Eye To Eye" on "The Claw," "The Great Golden Beast," Trump Was
REDACTED
, "A True [REDACTED]," & "A [REDACTED]"
Sat May 07 03:27:20 +0000 2016
In Wake of Assassination of GOP, Green Party Nominees, Obama Calls Press Conference, Sadly Holds Aloft Single Rose As It Decays Into Nothing
Sat May 07 03:24:26 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Charles J. Bloodhorn Politely Denies Rumors; Describes Carson as "Mad Moon Man" https://t.co/SbKDpMyqH4
Sat May 07 03:19:14 +0000 2016
Sister Vindicta on Debate Debacle: "Though We Mourn The Lost, Let All The Earth Know Their Deaths Were Not In Vain"
Sat May 07 03:18:33 +0000 2016
Late Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm's Panther Seen Sniffing Morosely at Heap of Ash That Was Once Green Party Candidate
Sat May 07 03:16:36 +0000 2016
"We're Free, We're Finally Free:" Green Party Staffers Break Down Weeping After Death of Party's Former Candidate, Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm
Sat May 07 03:13:47 +0000 2016
Trump Campaign Survivors Disperse, Wounded & Bereft, Led Away Into Old Forest by Lurching, Emaciated Figures That Might Once Have Been Human
Sat May 07 03:11:59 +0000 2016
With Trump's Apparent Obliteration By Carson's Vast, Ineffable Lunar Machinery, GOP Left With No Surviving Candidates
Sat May 07 03:08:57 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Charge Green Party to Search for New Dark Secretary of Deschutes National Forest, "Before It Is Too Late"
Sat May 07 03:03:24 +0000 2016
Pundits: "At Long Last, Ben Carson Has Had His Vengeance"
Sat May 07 02:59:53 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
As Beam of Light From Moon Fades, Naught Remains But Ash, Quivering Mass That Was Once Dark Secretary of Deschutes National Forest
Sat May 07 02:59:30 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Shaft of Cold, Sterile Light Shines Forth From Moon, Blotting Out All Vision, Sound, & Hope, Save Trump's Single Piercing Shriek
Sat May 07 02:57:29 +0000 2016
Trump: "This Will Be The End Of You All," "Can't You See You're Playing Right Into His Hands?
Sat May 07 02:54:46 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm's Panther Begins Devouring Screaming Audience Members as Green Party Candidate Coos in Adoration
Sat May 07 02:54:20 +0000 2016
Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Momentarily Distracted From Moderator's Questions by "Such A Cute Little Kitty," Hefts Panther Onto Podium
Sat May 07 02:53:21 +0000 2016
Deschutes Dark Secretary, Speaking in Voices of Hundreds of Quivering, Emaciated Forest Animals, Refuses Trump's Demands
Sat May 07 02:51:51 +0000 2016
"He's Coming, Can't You Fools See It:" Suddenly Agitated Trump Demands End to Debate
Sat May 07 02:51:46 +0000 2016
Sky Suddenly Darkens Over Impromptu Debate Site, As A Terrible Light Shines Forth From Moon
Sat May 07 02:49:26 +0000 2016
Order Restored to Trump-Bloodgasm Debate as Dark Secretary of Deschutes National Forest Emerges, Takes Ceremonial Moderator's Throne
Sat May 07 02:48:03 +0000 2016
Trump: "Do You Think You Will Deny Me The Claw," "I Will Build This Land Into a Cathedral of Fear"
Sat May 07 02:47:19 +0000 2016
Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm: Building Border Wall "An Insult to Human Decency", "Inefficient Use of Human Femurs"
Sat May 07 02:45:21 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Shadowy, Hissing Figures Emerge From Deschutes National Forest, Corral Unwitting Trump-Bloodgasm Debate Audience
Sat May 07 02:43:35 +0000 2016
Trump Manacled to Impromptu Debate Post by Green Party Staffers
Sat May 07 02:42:17 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Intercepts Oregon-Fleeing Trump Campaign, Brandishes Scimitar, Demands Debate
Sat May 07 02:40:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wGMjmljcLW
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sat May 07 02:37:34 +0000 2016
At Urging of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, Pitchfork-Wielding Militias Chase Trump Campaign Out of Oregon
Sat May 07 02:33:50 +0000 2016
Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Dismembers Supporter for Treading on "Delicate Flowers"
Sat May 07 00:57:37 +0000 2016
Intern Claims Trump Ordered Skunk Organs Online
Sat May 07 00:50:47 +0000 2016
Opinions "Leading Cause of Cancer" in Affluent White Men, Study Finds
Sat May 07 00:43:38 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed To Be World's Tallest Tree
Sat May 07 00:18:58 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: Software Developers To Be "Sequestered" in "Lofty Towers" to "Protect the Innocent"
Sat May 07 00:11:41 +0000 2016
Congress Outlaws Europe
Fri May 06 21:03:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm willing to give them a portion of my fear if it'll help The Cause
— @timserpas
Fri May 06 19:30:49 +0000 2016
Replacing the previous, more primitive network topology used by palantir, the Tolkien ring. https://t.co/UZboWxqWrq
— @ireneista
Fri May 06 18:19:17 +0000 2016
Taylor Swift's New Song Goes, "WAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri May 06 18:11:27 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Raises Fear Tax
Fri May 06 05:08:49 +0000 2016
New Tech Startup Aims to Commercialize Fledgling "IP over Scrying Glass" Technology
Fri May 06 03:10:47 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Celebrates Successful Launch of Relativistic Kill Vehicle
Fri May 06 03:08:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Dozens of Emojis Escape Unicode Consortium Custody, Flee Into Sewers
— @khymchanur
Fri May 06 02:57:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Oh, I hope she manages to move somewhere else before too long.... there are so many places more glitch-friendly than Florida.
— @listelian
Thu May 05 23:53:30 +0000 2016
Florida Woman Accused of "Glitchcraft"
Thu May 05 23:01:42 +0000 2016
DARPA Announces Development of "Eschatological Weapon"
Thu May 05 16:22:29 +0000 2016
But will it be man-portable? @DARPA won't say. https://t.co/ND91c17aQ7
— @CombatCavScout
Thu May 05 15:45:29 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Distant Whirring, Rumbling Heard Behind Enormous Bronze Door Discovered in Mountainside Near Whitefish, MO
Thu May 05 06:34:49 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Simone Andrews I, Stacy Millicent, Linked by Spiked Handcuffs, Smile Knowingly At Each Other, Board Dilapidated Train
Thu May 05 06:31:14 +0000 2016
American Dystopia Initiative Founder Simone Andrews I, Americans For Traditional Torments Spokeswoman Stacy Millicent Depart for Europe
Thu May 05 06:29:18 +0000 2016
Sources: Simone Andrews II, Simone Andrews III, Simone Andrews IV, Simone Andrews IV, & Other Contenders To Form "Advisory Council"
Thu May 05 06:27:09 +0000 2016
After Months of Negotiation, American Dystopia Initiative Retains Simone Andrews XI As Sole Arch-Director
Thu May 05 06:26:05 +0000 2016
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 I dunno. I've heard some things about igneous rocks and arson
— @marquisdeknives
Thu May 05 06:25:08 +0000 2016
The future of Microsoft Anthrax: mobile, intelligent intranet; collaboration everywhere
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu May 05 06:12:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I mean, have you seen the statistics on crimes committed by rocks? ZERO across the board!
— @pvlstaven
Thu May 05 06:10:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I don't like what's being implied here. Rocks are honest and morally upstanding. Exemplary citizens in every way.
— @pvlstaven
Thu May 05 06:10:44 +0000 2016
Bill Clinton: "I Was Raised By A Handful of Rocks In A Dingy Hotel Basement, But You Don't See Me Living on Government Handouts"
Thu May 05 06:06:46 +0000 2016
Survey: America's Favorite Pastime "Falling From Great Heights"
Thu May 05 03:25:41 +0000 2016
I hope Sen. XL333012 will continue Sen. XL333012's valiant fight for the rights of autonomous fixed artillery. https://t.co/AkCoS4V6C6
— @pvlstaven
Thu May 05 03:17:03 +0000 2016
@CombatCavScout @DARPA @ApprovedNews6 Know what? They NEVER have a good answer. So I ask again WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
— @soonergrunt
Thu May 05 03:16:50 +0000 2016
@CombatCavScout @DARPA @ApprovedNews6 "are you doing shooting blood at relativistic velocities, AND WHY AREN'T YOU CLEANING YOUR WEAPON?!"
— @soonergrunt
Thu May 05 03:16:45 +0000 2016
@CombatCavScout @DARPA @ApprovedNews6 seriously, that's the kind of thing I used to catch Privates doing and be like "son, what the fuck..."
— @soonergrunt
Thu May 05 03:16:42 +0000 2016
@CombatCavScout @DARPA @ApprovedNews6 but WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
— @soonergrunt
Thu May 05 03:16:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 just another pre-programmed politician
— @Pope_Norm
Thu May 05 03:16:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 at least it's not "no comment"
— @timserpas
Thu May 05 01:26:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I think that would require strengthening the electric force and it has more than enough power already.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Thu May 05 01:25:56 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Sen. XL333012 Deploys Military-Grade Laser From Chassis, Incinerates Reporter
Thu May 05 01:15:19 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Joins Republican Outcry Against Trump
Thu May 05 01:14:07 +0000 2016
Ohio General Assembly Votes to Raise Speed of Light Statewide
Thu May 05 01:08:22 +0000 2016
DARPA: New "Blood Cannon" Will Accelerate Streams of Human Blood to "Relativistic Velocity"
Thu May 05 00:11:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 not again 😞
— @rabcyr
Wed May 04 19:34:09 +0000 2016
"I Will Cut You Open, Do You Hear Me:" John Kasich Last Seen Struggling Against Mighty Force Lifting Him Inexorably Into The Sky
Wed May 04 19:32:58 +0000 2016
Thrashing, Naked Figure Chained in Bog & Covered in Mud Endorses Hillary Clinton
Wed May 04 17:47:35 +0000 2016
Card-carrying Republicans are purging themselves with fire https://t.co/nWIAzIStG8 https://t.co/LIeCJSodaw
— @verge
Wed May 04 17:44:07 +0000 2016
Americans For A Dread Tomorrow Calls on Presidential Candidates to Outline Bog Policies
Wed May 04 17:40:58 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Wed May 04 17:38:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 smell of sulfur endures in Cruz office; cleaners "baffled"
— @Chirurgic
Wed May 04 17:25:24 +0000 2016
WHO Warns of "Epidemic" of Vaginal Roaches
Wed May 04 17:19:28 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Horse that Replaced Marco Rubio Tramples Reporters
Wed May 04 05:29:36 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz, Presidential Campaign Vanish From The Earth "As Though Neither Had Ever Been"
Wed May 04 05:28:44 +0000 2016
"No God But The Machine" Carved Into Fire Hydrants Across America by Parties Unknown
Wed May 04 05:27:01 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
She Who Throttles The Dawn Announces Marriage to Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold
Wed May 04 03:23:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Are they really planning to preempt the Mass Sacrifice Bowl for this? smh
— @DecayDJK
Wed May 04 03:22:06 +0000 2016
Centuries After Her Descension From Godhood, Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Finally Agrees to Speak to Reporters
Wed May 04 01:47:09 +0000 2016
Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo Reveals "Sinister" True Purpose of ISBNs, Dewey Decimal System
Wed May 04 01:39:06 +0000 2016
US Govt seeks to destroy own monetary system https://t.co/RNizTexBsz https://t.co/zzTyJcXeyI
— @TimCushing
Wed May 04 01:01:26 +0000 2016
Pfizer Announces New Drug Targeted At Children, "To Ensure That They Hate"
Tue May 03 23:56:59 +0000 2016
Australia to destroy alien carp by releasing herpes into rivers https://t.co/y4LWahC5JJ https://t.co/AiuupCPF83
— @newscientist
Tue May 03 23:44:07 +0000 2016
Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to Be Small, Easily-Confused Lizard
Tue May 03 21:50:40 +0000 2016
"She Doesn't Even Exist:" Police "Will Not Pursue" Fairy Queen
Tue May 03 20:45:03 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Fairy Queen Jumps Bail
Tue May 03 20:44:11 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Calls for "National Bathtub Electrification Plan"
Tue May 03 20:36:47 +0000 2016
Obama Calls for Law Requiring "Licenses" for "Things That Come in Twos"
Tue May 03 20:32:43 +0000 2016
Trump Demands Debate with Bone Party Presidential Candidate
Tue May 03 20:20:15 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Dreadlord Blitzenreich Vows "A Coming Storm of Wrath & Vengeance" That "Shall Scour Vermont of Every Last Traitor"
Tue May 03 20:18:38 +0000 2016
Facing Ravenous Horde of the Living Dead After Unpopular Edicts, Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich Flees to Forbidden Lands
Tue May 03 20:17:52 +0000 2016
Massachussetts Leviathan Criticized For "Racially Insensitive" Comments to Press
Tue May 03 20:14:47 +0000 2016
"She Who Throttles The Dawn" Announces New Line of Perfumes, Flaying Knives
Tue May 03 20:12:57 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 He •always• waits until the nomination is effectively wrapped up before endorsing.
— @Pope_Norm
Tue May 03 20:12:40 +0000 2016
Monks of the Bronze Mask Draw Controversy for Campaign Contributions
Tue May 03 20:11:37 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Lawsuit, Nameless Corporation's Deer-Headed Lawyers Respond With Eerie Warbling Drone Causing Nearby Lamps to Flicker
Tue May 03 20:09:49 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Sued for "Anticompetitive" Fear Implants
Tue May 03 20:08:28 +0000 2016
Team of Intrepid Explorers Prove "Great Clattering" in Alabama Sewers "Nothing More Than Man-Eating Mutant Reptiles"
Tue May 03 20:07:22 +0000 2016
Screaming, Naked Man Wearing Ten-Gallon Hat & Covered in Blood Beheads CNN Anchor, Endorses Clinton
Tue May 03 20:03:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Can confirm Green Line currently free of tooth geysers
— @celeloriel
Tue May 03 19:59:02 +0000 2016
Scientists: "Some controversy exists over the number of souls in a person." https://t.co/yiTTB1g5Uj @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Tue May 03 19:58:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm pretty sure what he did to those poor animals violated both the Heisenberg uncertainty, and Pauli exclusion principles.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue May 03 19:58:39 +0000 2016
Florida Man Arrested for "Acts of Physically Impossible Violence, Cruelty"
Mon May 02 22:37:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 [REDACTED] knows, we wouldn't want the whole truth.
— @_gtank
Mon May 02 06:11:11 +0000 2016
FBI Unseals Documents Proving Richard Nixon "Experimental Clone" of Sen. Joseph McCarthy
Mon May 02 00:01:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 So civic-minded! Thanks for cleaning up the tooth litter, winged men!
— @VersusMe101
Sun May 01 23:19:29 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Carrying Wicker Bins Filled With Teeth, Winged Men in Grotesque Iron Masks Ascend Into Sky, Enter Great Glowing Crevice on Moon
Sun May 01 23:10:19 +0000 2016
Winged Men in Grotesque Iron Masks, Clad in Animal Hides, Begin Collecting Teeth Pouring From Every D.C. Metro Entrance
Sun May 01 23:08:06 +0000 2016
"There Is Nothing Wrong," "This Is Perfectly Normal," "Well Within Range of Expected Behavior:" Metrorail Spokesman Dismisses Concerns
Sun May 01 23:06:20 +0000 2016
Witnesses: "Geysers of Teeth" Spewing From Metrorail Tunnels
Sun May 01 23:05:44 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Great Rumbling" Heard From Deep Within D.C. Metro
Sun May 01 23:03:40 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Great Rumbling" Heard From Deep Within D.C. Metro
Sun May 01 23:03:40 +0000 2016
New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations https://t.co/xDqWvfzt5j https://t.co/X8DC9vESqb
— @TheOnion
Sun May 01 20:12:18 +0000 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Emerges to Issue Ominous Pronouncement
Sun May 01 18:46:30 +0000 2016
RFC 1437, Borenstein & Linimon 1993 https://t.co/5D3uoOXzoH @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/idfwwPypuq
— @pvlstaven
Sun May 01 02:28:03 +0000 2016
Man, I know the Metro has really gotten bad lately, but this is ridiculous. https://t.co/WJWW54E5cG
— @rhcm123
Sat Apr 30 20:03:01 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, D.C. Transit Authority Spokesman Begins Bleeding from Ears, Vomits Scarabs
Sat Apr 30 19:51:17 +0000 2016
D.C. Metro Customers Report All Metrorail Cars "Filled With Teeth"
Sat Apr 30 19:50:34 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Disloyal Citizens Can Confuse Those Pursuing Them With A Monthly Donation To An Approved News Source https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sat Apr 30 19:46:01 +0000 2016
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Sat Apr 30 19:45:16 +0000 2016
Secretary of the Interior: "The Connecticut Weasel Catastrophe Has Been Heavily Exaggerated"
Sat Apr 30 18:57:53 +0000 2016
Cruz: America's Greatest Challenge "Childless Parents"
Sat Apr 30 04:14:05 +0000 2016
NASA Discovers Cursed Nebula
Sat Apr 30 02:02:53 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the pittsburgh airport is summoning various passengers to the Center Core
— @jleedev
Fri Apr 29 22:50:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 News in brief: https://t.co/cIJT58zJls
— @_ardeej
Fri Apr 29 20:50:57 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword on Trump Threats: "Per Nos Debet Venire" https://t.co/7AJLE1N8wC
Fri Apr 29 20:22:19 +0000 2016
"An Essential Part of a
REDACTED
Breakfast:" USDA Slammed For "Excessively Graphic" Slaughtermelon Ads
Fri Apr 29 18:14:11 +0000 2016
New Law Would Allow Government to Confiscate Citizens' Pain
Fri Apr 29 16:52:46 +0000 2016
Annual Raid on the Great Minnesota Steamworks Ends in Disaster; Half of Strike Force Captured
Fri Apr 29 16:50:59 +0000 2016
America "Now Has More Laws Than Citizens:" Lawyers Celebrate
Fri Apr 29 16:47:34 +0000 2016
Pensacola, FL: Sunrise Kills Thousands
Fri Apr 29 16:36:16 +0000 2016
Florida Man Attacks Cop with Rectal Laser
Fri Apr 29 16:17:41 +0000 2016
It is unclear whether the animals are trying to stop humanity from unlocking the secrets of the universe.
— @NPR
Fri Apr 29 15:45:41 +0000 2016
DARPA "Has Successfully Weaponized Love," Say Inside Sources
Fri Apr 29 04:40:39 +0000 2016
Approached by Reporters, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Climbs Into Comically Oversized Burlap Sack, Is Carried Away by Mischievous Thieves
Thu Apr 28 20:58:05 +0000 2016
Sanders to Campaign in Barrows of the Shrieking Dead
Thu Apr 28 16:40:52 +0000 2016
"To Defy My Will Is To Perish:" Clinton Shuts Down Hecklers at Campaign Event
Thu Apr 28 16:29:20 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
NSA Reassures Americans Strange Subcutaneous Lumps "For Purposes of National Security"
Thu Apr 28 05:03:10 +0000 2016
Millions of Americans Reporting "Strange New Lumps" in Chest, Arms
Thu Apr 28 05:00:44 +0000 2016
New Senate Bill Would Subject All Welfare Recipients to "Vivid Nightmares"
Thu Apr 28 04:49:16 +0000 2016
Chicago Manual of Style's Reign of "Typographical Terror" Ended by Heroic Vigilantes
Thu Apr 28 03:59:00 +0000 2016
Bestiality Named Official Sport of Washington D.C.
Thu Apr 28 03:07:30 +0000 2016
Conservatives Accuse Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Specter of the Nameless Realm, of "Playing the Wraith Card"
Thu Apr 28 02:12:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 omg that's his go-to response when he doesn't have answers fed to him thru a rune prompter. So sick of Big Wraith lobbyists
— @PithyOrNot
Thu Apr 28 00:42:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Nobody talks about his well-known ties to Goldman Sachs and Aghkor-Adbog, Mother of Scorpions.
— @substitute
Wed Apr 27 23:54:23 +0000 2016
Pressed on Clinton Endorsement, Glorthrak Shrieks Seven Terrible Truths, Devours Reporter's Soul
Wed Apr 27 23:53:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Glorthak is a reasonable centrist with a lot of respect in DC political circles
— @mcclure111
Wed Apr 27 23:52:01 +0000 2016
Glorthrak the Undying, Cursed Specter of the Nameless Realm, Endorses Hillary Clinton
Wed Apr 27 23:49:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This happens more than people think.
— @GeorgeWHerbert
Wed Apr 27 02:00:41 +0000 2016
Pressed on Arson Accusations, Time-Traveling Swedish Detectives Attack Reporter With Flamethrower
Wed Apr 27 01:45:14 +0000 2016
"Get In The Crime Hole:" FBI Herding Journalists into "Enormous Pit" Near White House
Tue Apr 26 20:49:46 +0000 2016
Trump Leads GOP Field by More Than 50,000 Pounds of Chicken Wings
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Apr 26 15:42:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ERdIYYPnXr
— @rabcyr
Tue Apr 26 02:39:53 +0000 2016
Conspiracy Theorists Release "Unsettling" New Evidence Every Historical Arson Committed by Time-Traveling Swedish Detectives
Tue Apr 26 01:12:23 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn of "Crime Teens"
Mon Apr 25 04:59:14 +0000 2016
Pyrokinesis Textbook Pulled From Market After Fungus Worship Complaints
Mon Apr 25 04:54:51 +0000 2016
New Self-Help Book by Crime Advocate Dr. Jennifer Walker Aims to Guide Petty Criminals to "Lucrative" Careers in White-Collar Crime
Mon Apr 25 04:42:31 +0000 2016
7 Injured in Annual Humility Championships
Mon Apr 25 02:39:33 +0000 2016
Florida Man Discovers "Quantum Alligator"
Mon Apr 25 02:25:16 +0000 2016
Donald Trump: Megyn Kelly Should "Humbly" Withdraw From the Space Station
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Apr 24 15:39:08 +0000 2016
New Hampshire Introduces Castration for Repeat Jaywalkers
Sun Apr 24 07:59:41 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, White House Press Secretary Transforms Bodily into Goose, Chases Reporters Into Cramped Closet
Sun Apr 24 07:52:00 +0000 2016
"They Barely Last A Year Anymore:" Consumer Advocacy Groups Slam "Planned Obsolence" of Newly Developed Gods
Sun Apr 24 07:00:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I hope this was at Coachella.
— @substitute
Sun Apr 24 06:53:18 +0000 2016
First "Obamacore" Band's Debut Ends in Tragic Drone Strike
Sun Apr 24 06:52:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 no ivory tower elitist cant tell ME not to worship the dread sleeper beneath the veil! that's what america was [REDACTED] on!
— @President_Ark
Sat Apr 23 23:40:53 +0000 2016
Leading Theologians: "Continued Reliance" on "Obsolete Deities" A Major Threat to American Infrastructure
Sat Apr 23 23:37:39 +0000 2016
7 Gods Officially Deprecated
Sat Apr 23 23:36:19 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 News in brief: https://t.co/PBx6RF9yRx
— @_ardeej
Sat Apr 23 16:51:27 +0000 2016
Mattel Corporation Announces Plans To "Branch Out" into Human Slavery
Sat Apr 23 02:14:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Generation AA Reportedly Laughs at Millennials, "Soon you won't be able to survive off just one highway"
— @zacaj_
Sat Apr 23 01:06:16 +0000 2016
Study: Many Millennials Willing to Consider Highway Banditry to Make Ends Meet
Sat Apr 23 01:02:21 +0000 2016
More & More Americans Subsisting on Cursed Industrial Sludge
Sat Apr 23 00:59:42 +0000 2016
Virginia Returns to Julian Calendar
Sat Apr 23 00:16:56 +0000 2016
FBI Investigating Illegal Sunrises
Fri Apr 22 23:50:00 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz Has Been Unfolding for Years
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Apr 22 23:10:50 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Heckler Stabbed by Clinton Dies in Hospital from Finance Poisoning
Fri Apr 22 22:53:34 +0000 2016
Clinton Stabs Heckler With 3-Point Fiscal Policy
Fri Apr 22 16:54:13 +0000 2016
I've said it before the Ohio Bone Cult is a joke https://t.co/qIYaNwmpqX
— @caurinus
Fri Apr 22 16:51:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 He tells us to obey the shadow council, but then he doesn't have a shadow. WHICH IS IT, OBAMA?
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Apr 22 16:50:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 We've never seen Obama's death certificate. How can we trust someone who hasn't even died on American soil?
— @pvlstaven
Fri Apr 22 16:50:41 +0000 2016
"He Doesn't Even Have A Shadow," "Does He Think He's Better Than Us?" Trump Lays Into Obama's "Elitism" At Campaign Rally
Fri Apr 22 16:45:47 +0000 2016
"Nothing About You Is Original;" "For The Love Of
REDACTED
, Just Stop:" Cult Critics Slam Ohio Bone Cone As "Embarassment"
Fri Apr 22 07:29:50 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Oh come on. You can't be safe until you incinerate 100%.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Apr 22 07:28:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm not trying to sound like a hipster but I was building ossuaries of the unwilling to the Great Golden Beast DECADES AGO.
— @PithyOrNot
Fri Apr 22 07:28:23 +0000 2016
Ohio Bone Cult Vows to "Wake The Great Golden Beast;" Is Accused of "Jumping On The Great Golden Bandwagon"
Fri Apr 22 03:37:33 +0000 2016
American Business Institute Recommends Policy of Incinerating Random 10% of Americans, "Just To Be Safe"
Fri Apr 22 01:57:46 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Bleh. Ringing the Ancient Silver Bell of Flaying is Obama's go-to answer for *everything*.
— @khymchanur
Fri Apr 22 01:43:34 +0000 2016
Update: Per eldritch custom, the White House press corps draws straws to select flaying sacrifice, David Brody of CBN. @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Fri Apr 22 01:43:19 +0000 2016
Peruvian Soul-Pox Epidemic Declared in Southern Mexico
Fri Apr 22 01:14:09 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Officials Indicted for Bone Heresy, Obama Rings Ancient Silver Bell of Flaying
Fri Apr 22 01:12:05 +0000 2016
7 Administration Officials Indicted for Bone Heresy
Fri Apr 22 00:59:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 He’s lying. Everyone knows a President would have to resort to tibias and even some skulls.
— @substitute
Fri Apr 22 00:57:14 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to Build Border Wall Out of Human Femurs
Fri Apr 22 00:55:26 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: Mitt Romney Revealed to be Corporation
Fri Apr 22 00:20:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 come on, it's never 'accidental' The lengths folk'll go to avoid a morning meeting are ridiculous, just fake stomach flu
— @WolfmanRamirez
Fri Apr 22 00:03:07 +0000 2016
Florida Woman "Accidentally" Obliterates Distant Solar System
Thu Apr 21 23:59:44 +0000 2016
Sen. Thanaton Luciphage (💀-CA) Sponsors Bill to "Forever Blot Out This Vile Sun"
Thu Apr 21 23:47:30 +0000 2016
Senate Fumigated for Infestation of Thoughtroaches
Thu Apr 21 23:43:36 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: "The Internet Is Full of Bad Advice"
Thu Apr 21 23:31:36 +0000 2016
Thousands of Improperly-Slaughtered Bagpipes Recalled
Thu Apr 21 23:25:48 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Your Contributions to Print 777 Editions Each Day in Human Blood As Prophesied https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Apr 21 23:23:24 +0000 2016
@thefourthvine @ApprovedNews6 it's true! I spent my 12th year attempting to summon Frost Giants to smash my entire town & I turned out ok!
— @ouinne
Thu Apr 21 23:12:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 A shameful waste of perfectly good protein.
— @Samuelmeadows33
Thu Apr 21 23:11:57 +0000 2016
I mean, haven’t we all done this? Let’s not judge teen sorcerers so harshly. https://t.co/LaVaaQIU3S
— @thefourthvine
Thu Apr 21 23:02:21 +0000 2016
DARPA Unveils New Project to "Mechanize the Dead"
Thu Apr 21 22:50:55 +0000 2016
Study: More & More Teens Admitting to Underage Sorcery
Thu Apr 21 22:43:32 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Accused of Negligent Crimes Against Humanity
Thu Apr 21 22:41:52 +0000 2016
White House: "Project Grinning Lizard" Has Reached 50% Completion
Thu Apr 21 22:40:16 +0000 2016
Florida Man Hospitalized After Being Severely Beaten By Robots "Would Do It All Again:" Interview
Thu Apr 21 22:38:51 +0000 2016
Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Holds Publicity Event at New Hampshire Petting Zoo
Thu Apr 21 21:53:27 +0000 2016
"Microsoft Bloodworm" Pulled from Stores After Sphere of All-Devouring Darkness Briefly Manifests in Skies Above Redmond
Thu Apr 21 21:50:37 +0000 2016
fucking finally, I've been waiting for YEARS https://t.co/j6x6xvWixl
— @Wxcafe
Thu Apr 21 21:49:34 +0000 2016
Illuminati Finishes Reconstruction of Venus
Thu Apr 21 21:48:35 +0000 2016
Pope Francis Emerges from Hibernation, Mauls Veterinarian
Thu Apr 21 21:46:38 +0000 2016
New Study: More & More Children "Soulless Swamp Goons"
Thu Apr 21 21:43:55 +0000 2016
GOP Congressman Who Admitted to Enslavement by BDSM-Crazed Elves for Years Still Polling Ahead of Democratic Challenger
Thu Apr 21 21:40:39 +0000 2016
Thousands Gather in Reno, NV to Moan, Quiver Before The Great Fissure
Thu Apr 21 19:21:25 +0000 2016
Clinton Promises to "Increase Role" of Laughing Gas in Public Policy
Thu Apr 21 05:24:31 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Obama Stares At Reporter, Demands "How Many Have You Killed?" in Shaking Voice
Thu Apr 21 04:44:57 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Emergency Press Conference, Warns Reporters "The Words Are How They Get In"
Thu Apr 21 04:42:52 +0000 2016
"It's Gonna Go For The Face," Experts Warn
Thu Apr 21 04:24:33 +0000 2016
Cruz Demands Heads of "Detractors" on "Decorative Pikes"
Tue Apr 19 22:27:23 +0000 2016
@munin @ApprovedNews6 I have a slaughter-bench made of the crooked timber of humanity. stains easily
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Apr 19 21:18:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The wood makes such beautiful cabinetry, though. That shimmery, high gloss finish can't be replicated by anything else.
— @munin
Tue Apr 19 17:11:12 +0000 2016
Peruvian Laser-Oak Named World's Deadliest Tree
Tue Apr 19 16:26:52 +0000 2016
LEAKED: Ted Cruz' presidential nomination acceptance speech https://t.co/TEQVU1epCO
— @davatron5000
Tue Apr 19 15:11:01 +0000 2016
This Mad Genius Built His Own Two Feet
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Apr 19 15:10:47 +0000 2016
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Tue Apr 19 00:18:39 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
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Mon Apr 18 23:37:04 +0000 2016
They'll have a fight on their hands is all I'm going to say https://t.co/5ukOjxuzNS
— @EdmundGriffiths
Mon Apr 18 22:50:42 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
Become A Powerful Wizard With This One Easy Ritual Discovered by A Mom - Big Magic HATES Her!
Mon Apr 18 22:37:36 +0000 2016
Paula West: Tatiana Strelnikova's Successful Resurrection of Father "Proof" of Importance of K-12 Necromancy Classes
Mon Apr 18 21:13:58 +0000 2016
Ontario tomato production increasing due to ketchup war https://t.co/R8qybW6BQd https://t.co/bRWka9e5nl
— @CBCNews
Mon Apr 18 21:11:32 +0000 2016
"I Couldn't be Prouder of Little Tatiana:" Newly-Resurrected Boris Strelnikov Addresses Reporters on Daughter's Epic Necromantic Ritual
Mon Apr 18 21:05:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Father Says He's "Tickled" by the Sensation of Being Released from the Cold, Inky Blackness
— @tweetsthecreeps
Mon Apr 18 21:02:47 +0000 2016
International Necromancers of the World Union Leader Paula West Awards Styx Scholarship to 4 Year Old Who Successfully Resurrected Father
Mon Apr 18 20:58:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I've heard they tried to annex the Shapeless Ocean of Anguish, but nobody could figure out how to draw the borders around it.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Apr 18 20:52:01 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Recedes into Distance While Standing Resolutely in Place
Mon Apr 18 20:49:52 +0000 2016
"The Oceans Were Never to be Tamed": Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley Condemns Forbidden Lands' "Illegal Land Grab"
Mon Apr 18 20:48:52 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
4 Year Old Girl Successfully Raises Father from Death Through Epic Necromantic Ritual
Mon Apr 18 20:45:42 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Forbidden Lands To Annex the Ocean of Shapeless Anguish
Mon Apr 18 20:43:28 +0000 2016
Pressed For Comment, Shadow Counselor Puts Pale Finger to Lips, Snuffs Out Candle https://t.co/4n4QhlnU3G
Mon Apr 18 20:23:09 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council: America Must Become "As A Lonely Flame Upon The Endless Ocean"
Mon Apr 18 20:18:57 +0000 2016
Oh yesssss, this shall help me greatly in the coming decade. https://t.co/QtpltnIrlj
— @VictoriaSC91
Mon Apr 18 03:04:51 +0000 2016
Sanders Vows to Reduce Shadow Taxes for Lurking-Class Americans
Mon Apr 18 02:34:04 +0000 2016
Mystery foam fills the streets after earthquake strikes Japan https://t.co/r0w0gy6oIT (📷: @The_takafumi) https://t.co/FTRR9bwo9V
— @mashable
Sun Apr 17 20:29:05 +0000 2016
"What's He Even Going To Do With The Sevenfold Scepter?" Clinton Accuses Sanders of "Grandstanding"
Sun Apr 17 19:04:21 +0000 2016
Bernie Sanders To Descend Well of All Regret, Retrieve "The Sevenfold Scepter"
Sun Apr 17 19:03:32 +0000 2016
Clinton Seeks Endorsement of Moth Empire
Sun Apr 17 15:37:22 +0000 2016
Witnesses: "Dozens" of Dumpsters Full of Rotting Mackerel Delivered to Trump Campaign Each Day
Sun Apr 17 15:16:48 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
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Sun Apr 17 06:38:37 +0000 2016
Experts: "Struggling Will Only Delay The Inevitable"
Sun Apr 17 04:07:40 +0000 2016
Libertarian Groups "Outraged" by Bill Proposing Centralized Database of Bank Gremlins
Sat Apr 16 21:23:11 +0000 2016
New Bill Would Create Federal Registry of All Bank Gremlins
Sat Apr 16 20:25:17 +0000 2016
Obama Appoints New Ambassador to Sharkoslovakia
Sat Apr 16 20:25:00 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Chomsky Sics Army of Trained Garden Gnomes on Reporters
Sat Apr 16 18:32:33 +0000 2016
"The Plural of Corpus is Corpses:" University of Oregon Linguistics Department Issues Public Ultimatum to Noam Chomsky
Sat Apr 16 18:17:09 +0000 2016
Is App Store the worst type of journalist?
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Apr 16 18:08:17 +0000 2016
Trump Makes Controversial Campaign Promise https://t.co/Nbi70gQhSW
Sat Apr 16 05:12:42 +0000 2016
Capitalising Every Word In A Title Considered Harmful
— @notajf
Fri Apr 15 23:14:32 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Ohio Woman Stephanie L. Zallurax the Undying Sues Census Bureau for Policies "Discriminatory Against
REDACTED
Ethnicities"
Fri Apr 15 22:01:44 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: More And More Teens Killed Each Year By "SMS Poisoning"
Fri Apr 15 21:51:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Existing persons with those names will be rendered fictional before the end of the month.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Apr 15 16:22:23 +0000 2016
Census Bureau Announces New List of Names Reserved for Fictional Persons, Including "Gary," "Steve," & "Zallurax the Undying"
Fri Apr 15 03:56:01 +0000 2016
Eerie Mist Rising off Potomac River Announces Book Deal
Fri Apr 15 03:31:42 +0000 2016
Citing Own Non-Existence, Fairy Queen Vows To Appeal Case "All The Way To The Supreme Court If I Have To"
Fri Apr 15 03:25:51 +0000 2016
"It's Hard to Justify Leniency When The Defendent Doesn't Even Exist:" Fairy Queen Sentenced to 20 Years in Prison
Fri Apr 15 03:23:39 +0000 2016
Ortíz: America's Most Beautiful Woman "Sufficient Tribute, For The Moment"
Fri Apr 15 03:17:26 +0000 2016
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz Marries America's Most Beautiful Woman
Fri Apr 15 03:16:41 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Under Siege by US Military, Moral High Ground Retaliates With "Brutal" Washington Post Editorial; Hundreds of Troops Feared Dead
Fri Apr 15 03:13:42 +0000 2016
Supreme Court Justice, Decorative Battleaxe Collector Martha E. Wallace Writes "Blistering" Dissent in Mindslave #491823 v. Vermont
Fri Apr 15 03:12:06 +0000 2016
Breaking: Judge Agrees to $1.5M Deal With Your Outfit
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Apr 15 03:11:09 +0000 2016
Under Command of General Kristen Alexander, US Military Lays Siege to Moral High Ground
Fri Apr 15 03:10:26 +0000 2016
After Breakdown in Negotiations, Obama Orders US Military to Seize The Moral High Ground
Fri Apr 15 03:07:24 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Florida Man Arrested for Obeying Law Found to be Idaho Man In Disguise
Fri Apr 15 03:01:42 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/7czJrTAzYA
— @DogAsRxd
Thu Apr 14 02:40:36 +0000 2016
Staffer: Trump Also Googles "Where Are They Hiding The Claw" Obsessively
Thu Apr 14 02:14:29 +0000 2016
Campaign Staffer: Trump Googles "Put Them In The Blood Chasm" Hundreds of Times Each Day
Thu Apr 14 02:12:22 +0000 2016
"The Living Shall Outnumber The Dead:" Clad in Pantsuit Darker Than The Darkest Night, Clinton Outlines Economic Policy
Thu Apr 14 00:45:51 +0000 2016
Agitated Senator: "It's In The Autocorrect, It Keeps Changing 'Tort Reform' to 'Tort Reform'"
Wed Apr 13 17:34:00 +0000 2016
Congressional Republicans: "The Illuminati is Hacking Our Phones To Prevent Us From Learning The Truth About Tort Reform"
Wed Apr 13 17:30:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yRPnSQQ7UV
— @mcclure111
Wed Apr 13 16:03:17 +0000 2016
Doctors: More & More Witches Each Year Affected by Mystic Fibrosis
Wed Apr 13 14:35:51 +0000 2016
DARPA Announces Development of "Fun-Seeking Missile"
Wed Apr 13 07:27:44 +0000 2016
"You Call That A Blood-Thirsting Dagger?", "I've Had Worse Haircuts:" Trump Mocks Romney's "Amateur" Exsanguination
Wed Apr 13 07:17:29 +0000 2016
"Bleed For Me, Donald:" Romney Exsanguinates Trump Live on CNN
Wed Apr 13 07:14:41 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
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Wed Apr 13 07:11:21 +0000 2016
"This Is Their Culture:" Conservatives Blame "Poor Upbringing" for "Deity-on-Deity Violence"
Wed Apr 13 06:10:30 +0000 2016
Three Gods Killed in Shootout
Wed Apr 13 06:09:30 +0000 2016
Last night's meeting of the Knights of Pythias was one of the lamest held for some time. More goat riding needed. NY1906
— @TweetsofOld
Wed Apr 13 02:02:08 +0000 2016
Inchoate Masters of the Seven-Edged Truth Slam Incipient Masters of the Seven-Faced Lie As "Copycat Cult"
Wed Apr 13 00:53:24 +0000 2016
Activists March on DC to Demand Legalization of Vehicular Manslaughter
Tue Apr 12 20:32:08 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
IMPENETRABLY BAROQUE SIGILS
https://t.co/snyXIBFbH5
Tue Apr 12 20:05:19 +0000 2016
Seers Warn Trump Election "Long Predicted" by "Prophecy of the Great Cockroach"
Tue Apr 12 19:05:15 +0000 2016
Analysts: Black Market Trade With Hell "Seriously Undermining" US Embargo
Tue Apr 12 19:04:01 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to Abolish 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Tue Apr 12 19:00:02 +0000 2016
Arch-Director Simone Andrews XI of American Dystopia Initiative Endorses Clinton
Tue Apr 12 18:56:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/any64Tm7f3
— @mcclure111
Tue Apr 12 18:50:59 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Uber spokesghoul assures gathered crowds blood sacrifices "purely a precautionary measure" https://t.co/Mtg5qrpGIB
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Tue Apr 12 18:49:46 +0000 2016
Hennepin County Sheriff's Department Wants to Begin Using Bees This Summer
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Apr 12 18:49:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 When's that AFLAC duck going to get his, that's what I want to know.
— @uneasyspirit
Tue Apr 12 02:18:29 +0000 2016
Snapchat Causes Governor To Crack
— @TwoHeadlines
Tue Apr 12 01:10:52 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Republican Accusations, Secretary Kakopoulos, Wearing Comically Large Hat, Methodically Devours Copy of Constitution
Tue Apr 12 00:34:02 +0000 2016
Republicans Slam Secretary of Bullshit Kakopoulos: "Some of These Regulations Almost Make Sense"
Tue Apr 12 00:32:08 +0000 2016
Congress Mulls New Regulations of "Luxury Gods" to Cut Down Theological Pollution
Tue Apr 12 00:31:04 +0000 2016
GEICO Gecko Sentenced to Life in Prison for Series of Ghastly Murders
Tue Apr 12 00:29:14 +0000 2016
"You Fuckers Are Gonna Love This Shit:" Federal Secretary of Bullshit Dr. Dorian P. Kakopoulos Announces 470 "Idiotic" New Policies
Tue Apr 12 00:28:10 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Offers Reporter Joint
Tue Apr 12 00:23:22 +0000 2016
"We're Getting Really Sick of This:" Police Refuse to Arrest St. Claudine Michaelides After Catastrophic Vehicular Homicide
Tue Apr 12 00:22:20 +0000 2016
"The Detroit Noise" Announces Bid For Mayor
Tue Apr 12 00:20:46 +0000 2016
"The Detroit Noise" Announces Bid For Mayor
Tue Apr 12 00:20:46 +0000 2016
"It's Got So You Can't Take A Shower Anymore Without Wizards Popping Up Out Of The Drain:" Sanders Pledges to Improve Rural Plumbing
Tue Apr 12 00:14:28 +0000 2016
Sanders Cites Record Number of Wizard Infestations as Proof of "America's Failing Infrastructure"
Tue Apr 12 00:12:27 +0000 2016
Trump Vows to Crack Down on "Communist Doom Brigades"
Tue Apr 12 00:10:57 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Slam Decline in Ritual Castrations
Tue Apr 12 00:09:15 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 Cybermancers Report Curse Preventing Updates to Twitter Archive "At Long Last Broken" https://t.co/9oW4ydjIor
Tue Apr 12 00:07:42 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Keep Approved News 6 Being Beamed To Your Secret Brain Implants — Make Your Monthly Pledge Today At https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Apr 12 00:04:40 +0000 2016
Cult News: Inchoate Masters of the Seven-Edged Truth Endorse Clinton
Mon Apr 11 21:48:06 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Shadowy Figure Presumed to be Member of Cortex Triangulum Mind-Wipes Reporter, Escapes Into Wilderness
Mon Apr 11 21:46:25 +0000 2016
Sources: New Omicron Prerogative to be Ratified by Inner Council on Thursday
Mon Apr 11 21:38:53 +0000 2016
Illuminati: Optimae Machinata, Cortex Triangulum Reach Agreement on Omicron Prerogative
Mon Apr 11 21:37:37 +0000 2016
Sources Blame Unpredicted Volcano Eruption on "Slutty Virgins"
Mon Apr 11 20:07:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That sounds like something Australia would do, I'm very disappoi- Wait, what happened to Australia?
— @Samuelmeadows33
Mon Apr 11 15:26:00 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: Ban Popular Children's Book "Billy & The Master of All Human Anguish" For "Uncritical" Depictions of "Bad Table Manners"
Mon Apr 11 05:20:33 +0000 2016
"What even are pions? I don't know, you don't know. We don't need 'em yet we spend money to have 'em."
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Apr 11 03:42:32 +0000 2016
Trump Sets Out to "Destroy The Meson Once and For All"
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Apr 11 03:41:57 +0000 2016
Critics Question Obama's Presidential Priorities: Exterminating the Photon vs the Public Option @mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Apr 11 03:38:22 +0000 2016
'in retrospect extinguishing the sun was not the best use of my political capital' @mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Apr 11 03:35:41 +0000 2016
Trump Rally Disrupted by Swarm of Violent Blackbirds; Trump Blames Sanders Campaign
Mon Apr 11 02:59:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Headlines: Obama cites lack of 'day' as biggest mistake https://t.co/VqD9Lw5ay7
— @mcclure111
Mon Apr 11 02:37:34 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/YWkoU92CW9
— @femmekeyt
Mon Apr 11 02:02:05 +0000 2016
Boulder County Commissioners Consider Open Space Bees Policy
— @hail_ants_bot
Mon Apr 11 00:47:54 +0000 2016
"You Can't Spell 'Oregano' Without 'Organ:'" Thousands Speak Out In Support of NBC's "Brutal Breakfast" Host, On Trial For Murder
Sat Apr 09 22:59:59 +0000 2016
MIT Professor Convicted of Statisticrime
Sat Apr 09 19:08:04 +0000 2016
Facebook Considers Law to Seize Home Where Hitler Was Born
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Apr 09 18:56:25 +0000 2016
Bees Are 400000 Strong and the Pentagon Sees an Emerging Threat
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Apr 09 18:49:57 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 @3fingeredfox @substitute JVSH leagues remove focus from more important things. Funds are better spent elsewhere.
— @caurinus
Sat Apr 09 02:18:02 +0000 2016
@Chirurgic @ApprovedNews6 @substitute we used to suck the essence out ourselves...the rules were laxer back in the day. before Big Spine
— @3fingeredfox
Sat Apr 09 02:05:27 +0000 2016
@3fingeredfox @ApprovedNews6 @substitute Wet or dry? Extracting the Essence accounts for a third of JVSHL funding
— @Chirurgic
Sat Apr 09 02:05:23 +0000 2016
@substitute @ApprovedNews6 I still have some of my old spines
— @3fingeredfox
Sat Apr 09 01:20:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Shit. I learned so much about life from JV Spine Harvesting. This is a travesty.
— @substitute
Fri Apr 08 22:53:35 +0000 2016
New Federal Education Bill Would Pull Funding for Junior Varsity Spine Harvesting League: Parents Furious
Fri Apr 08 22:52:19 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation Spokesbot: Clanking Figures With Steam Pouring From Mouths "Valued Employees," "The Future of Industry"
Fri Apr 08 17:01:20 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Clanking Figures With Sagging Skin, Steam Pouring From Gaping Mouths, Seen Entering Nameless Corporation's Headquarters
Fri Apr 08 17:00:32 +0000 2016
Horrific Car Accident Concedes Presidential Race, Endorses Hillary Clinton
Fri Apr 08 16:36:04 +0000 2016
Thousands Gather in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Festival of Whispers
Fri Apr 08 14:42:59 +0000 2016
BREAKING: CLINTON CAMPAIGN TO USE GHOST HORSEMEN, MILITARY GRADE LASERS, CHUNKY-RIFFIC SOUP AGAINST PRYING REPORTERS
— @substitute
Fri Apr 08 14:36:17 +0000 2016
A dog discovers it is the rightful king of New Jersey
— @pookleblinky
Fri Apr 08 05:38:54 +0000 2016
Activists Call for Slug Reform
Fri Apr 08 05:28:05 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Boston Mayor Begins Levitating as Eyes Roll Back in Head & Steam Pours From Mouth
Fri Apr 08 04:53:50 +0000 2016
Angry Locals Protest Closure of Boston Terrorcube
Fri Apr 08 04:49:37 +0000 2016
Terrifying radioactive boars in Japan multiplying faster than they can be killed and buried: https://t.co/KmamRumqXq https://t.co/vV5vmc5jTn
— @SpeedReads
Thu Apr 07 21:18:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Which Is why I urge you to call your representatives in support of the Comprehensive Omelette Registration and Control Act.
— @VinnieTesla
Thu Apr 07 20:55:20 +0000 2016
"You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Necks:" Host of NBC's "Brutal Breakfast" Pleads Not Guilty To Murder Charges
Thu Apr 07 20:34:45 +0000 2016
@caurinus @ApprovedNews6 knowledge of most punishments is restricted.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Thu Apr 07 05:07:06 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/zZdHBY4zdJ
Thu Apr 07 05:06:55 +0000 2016
@formercrsc @ApprovedNews6 @TheDabblerBlog The accusations against ducks are unfounded! Cook was a well-known anti-nessitic hate monger!
— @caurinus
Thu Apr 07 03:07:07 +0000 2016
FAA: "It Remains Required" https://t.co/Y5OPd9cggE
Thu Apr 07 01:57:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 (third edition) https://t.co/hmTku8cvGO
— @formercrsc
Thu Apr 07 01:54:35 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 "I see the pale hands tearing at the gaps between worlds clearer than ever now with Microsoft's Ocular Mesh ©" *empty smile*
— @PithyOrNot
Thu Apr 07 01:53:51 +0000 2016
Inside Sources: Microsoft Becoming "Industry Leader" in "Skull-Based Technologies"
Thu Apr 07 01:19:36 +0000 2016
New Study: Most Popular Activities "Quiet Weeping," "Hiding From The Seven-Headed Beast That Stalks Us In Our Dreams," & "Mass Suicide"
Wed Apr 06 05:58:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm sick of all this right-wing propaganda. There are plenty of ducks in D.C. - it's not their fault they're undead.
— @tom_forsyth
Wed Apr 06 05:53:58 +0000 2016
"There Are No Ducks In Washington:" White House Denies Report of Obama's "Exact Replicas"
Wed Apr 06 05:48:16 +0000 2016
Seven Figures Identical in Every Way to President Obama Seen Ambling Along D.C. Park Path, Throwing Crumbs to Ducks
Wed Apr 06 05:47:28 +0000 2016
FAA Moves to Label Off-Key Chanting During Turbulence "Blood Crime"
Wed Apr 06 05:44:35 +0000 2016
This is why we use strong end-to-end encryption. https://t.co/ZUMZeeW3Oz
— @Eternal_IT
Wed Apr 06 05:38:45 +0000 2016
Amtrak Officials Mob CNN Studio, Screaming Incoherently About "The Ebon Wren"
Wed Apr 06 05:37:58 +0000 2016
"We Don't Even Know What They're Building In There:" Nameless Corporation Employees Report "Laboring At The Bellows Of Some Forsaken Engine"
Wed Apr 06 04:30:12 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Swarm of Soot-Coated Crows Bursts from Chimneys of Nameless Corporation's Factories, Savages Reporters
Wed Apr 06 04:27:29 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Posts Hundreds of Openings for Sacrificial Interns
Wed Apr 06 04:24:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Oh, I am looking forward to having my [REDACTED] automated. So tiring to do it by hand.
— @munin
Wed Apr 06 04:23:02 +0000 2016
Romanovna: "Rune Compiler" Could Allow "Customizable Curses," "Automated
REDACTED
"
Wed Apr 06 04:22:30 +0000 2016
MIT Professor of Computational Mysticism Sandra Romanovna Announces World's First "Rune Compiler"
Wed Apr 06 04:20:59 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/bBcGpz6YRX
— @caribouwireless
Wed Apr 06 01:52:23 +0000 2016
Human Sacrifice Is Linked To Social Hierarchies In New Study https://t.co/7r5QfRWxCO
— @NPR
Tue Apr 05 22:12:54 +0000 2016
Marco Rubio: Why Do You Even Exist?
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Apr 05 04:02:02 +0000 2016
Scientists Discover New Cause of Death
Mon Apr 04 19:11:06 +0000 2016
Poll: Trump Support Rising Among Lurking-Class Families
Mon Apr 04 17:17:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 National Spelling Bee Cancelled. "Thank God We Stopped It In Time" Said President Obama.
— @khymchanur
Mon Apr 04 17:12:09 +0000 2016
Google Move Raises Questions About Consumer Rights, Reliability of Secret Brain Implants
Mon Apr 04 17:10:50 +0000 2016
"Grandma Is Obsolete:" Google Pulling the Plug on Thousands of Americans
Mon Apr 04 17:09:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Facebook's New 'Crucible' Surreality Programme Is Hip With The Witch Hunters, Casual Angry-Mob Goers https://t.co/c46QmO15UL
— @caurinus
Sun Apr 03 18:42:53 +0000 2016
@GDPosta @mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6 In WA it's been mostly peaceful since his ceasefire with the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword.
— @listelian
Sun Apr 03 06:40:24 +0000 2016
EXPERTS: https://t.co/x3BT2bJD2Q
Sun Apr 03 06:40:10 +0000 2016
@mcclure111 @ApprovedNews6 hopefully the occupation will not be too severe
— @GDPosta
Sun Apr 03 02:41:00 +0000 2016
Ominous CC @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/dv5YzIbcV0
— @mcclure111
Sun Apr 03 02:40:49 +0000 2016
Florida Man Covered in Eerily Symmetrical Bloodstains Interrupts Senate Proceedings, Demands "Heads of the Seven Betrayers"
Sun Apr 03 00:39:14 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Call on Congress to Outlaw Sex
Sat Apr 02 19:49:40 +0000 2016
"Although Tens of Thousands Did Die Horribly, Let Us Not Forget That We Have Survived Another April Fool's Day:" Obama Issues Statement
Sat Apr 02 05:29:27 +0000 2016
White House Reports Box of Magic Teeth Passed Down From President to President Has Ceased Radioactive Emissions, Signalling "All Clear"
Sat Apr 02 05:28:31 +0000 2016
Sources on Obama's "Bearstrike" Statement: https://t.co/5tLjAEa6x5
Sat Apr 02 05:27:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 CHAMBER MUSIC BANJO ADVISORY currently in effect in: DAVIDSON COUNTY, TENNESSEE … https://t.co/FkqkAJjUFU
— @caurinus
Sat Apr 02 05:27:18 +0000 2016
Obama on Use of "Bearstrikes" Against April Fools: "䷡䷘䷂䷚䷊䷩䷔䷐☵䷄䷙䷍☳䷈䷗䷅䷧䷪"
Sat Apr 02 01:20:19 +0000 2016
White House Reports "Decisive" Bear Victory in Battle for Senate, Announces Immediate Nationwide Deployment of Bears Against April Fools
Fri Apr 01 19:26:35 +0000 2016
"We Have Discovered Their Secret Weakness:" Senate Majority Leader Reports April Fools "Helpless" Against Bears
Fri Apr 01 19:14:41 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Bears Engaging "Hundreds" of April Fools in Senate, Fighting Alongside Still-Living Remains of Trapped Senators
Fri Apr 01 19:12:56 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Calls Forth Army of Bears From Old Forest to Retake Senate
Fri Apr 01 19:10:22 +0000 2016
"It Is The Only Way:" Badly Wounded & Still on Fire, Staffer Escapes Senate, Demands Immediate "Bearstrike"
Fri Apr 01 19:09:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "Continued Use of Flaming Cold Swords Threatens Ontological Catastrophe" Warns Top Metaphysics Advisor.
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Apr 01 18:06:04 +0000 2016
"This Is Without Precedent;" "We Know Not What It Portends:" White House Cautions April Fool's Day 2016 "Could Be The End Of Us All"
Fri Apr 01 17:11:03 +0000 2016
April Fool's Day Update: Obama Warns Box of Magic Teeth Passed Down From President To President "Has Begun To Glow Ominously"
Fri Apr 01 17:10:07 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Dispatch Soldiers Armed With Flaming Swords, Rocket Launchers to Engage April Fools on Sight
Fri Apr 01 16:17:22 +0000 2016
Speaking from Miami Crime Warrens, Snarling Police Commissioner Vows to "Rip the Fools Limb From Limb"
Fri Apr 01 16:16:12 +0000 2016
Dozens of April Fools Converge on Miami Crime Warrens
Fri Apr 01 16:15:43 +0000 2016
Bloodstained Figure Huddling by Augusta Waterfront Confirmed to be April Fool; City Evacuation Ordered
Fri Apr 01 16:13:40 +0000 2016
In Middle of Senate Evacuation, April Fool Activates; All Communications With Senate Interior Lost, Dozens of Senators Believed Trapped
Fri Apr 01 16:12:45 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
April Fool Manifests in U.S. Senate
Fri Apr 01 16:11:28 +0000 2016
Approved News 6 Dread Fortress Assailed by Three April Fools, But Spared Through Intervention of the Great News Orb
Fri Apr 01 16:10:58 +0000 2016
First Confirmed Prank: All San Francisco Residents Afflicted by "Inescapable Agony"
Fri Apr 01 15:45:34 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
HUNDREDS OF CONFIRMED APRIL FOOL SIGHTINGS ACROSS AMERICA, WHITE HOUSE DECLARES NATIONAL STATE OF EMERGENCY
Fri Apr 01 15:33:54 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Familiarize Yourself With Last Year's Coverage Online, as April Fools Never Repeat A Prank Twice In A Row https://t.co/PhrMdJGWkL
Fri Apr 01 04:33:38 +0000 2016
DHHS Urges All Americans To Take "Extra Precautions" To "Stay Safe" on April Fool's Day 2016
Fri Apr 01 04:30:46 +0000 2016
Obama Announces National Evening of Panic to Comemmorate April Fool's Day
Fri Apr 01 04:24:53 +0000 2016
I bet the @ApprovedNews6 April 1 stories will be great! ::sealed into bone reliquary by 144 fire lions::
— @substitute
Fri Apr 01 04:14:01 +0000 2016
Police Search for GIFs
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Mar 31 23:16:23 +0000 2016
Experts Caution Maine Ruling Could Have "Disastrous Repercussions" for Fifth Amendment Rights if Not Overturned by Supreme Court
Thu Mar 31 23:14:33 +0000 2016
"A Clear Violation of Our Forsaken-Amendment Rights:" Maine Strikes Down Law Barring Sex With One's Own Clone
Thu Mar 31 23:13:51 +0000 2016
Sources: Relocation of Code Witches Mandatory Only For Convicted Tricky Witches @caurinus
Thu Mar 31 17:22:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 …Mandate only apply to sorcerers and their unwilling thralls?
— @caurinus
Thu Mar 31 17:21:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Is relocation to the San Francisco forced labor zone mandatory for code witches, or does the recent Forced Career Improvement
— @caurinus
Thu Mar 31 17:21:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Cops Bust Tumblr Witch Over ‘Boneghazi’ https://t.co/LUFM4VZvsx
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 31 02:40:24 +0000 2016
queer girl with fibromyalgia~
— @velartrill
Wed Mar 30 07:11:37 +0000 2016
if @ApprovedNews6 is worth anything to you, please consider pledging a few dollars at https://t.co/76qHXTXxht and helping out a disabled
— @velartrill
Wed Mar 30 07:11:31 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Kerry Beheads Three Reporters, Showers Four More With Precious Gems
Wed Mar 30 07:09:31 +0000 2016
"Their Shadows Are All Back Now," "There's Nothing At All To Worry About:" Kerry Labels Libyan Shadow Crisis "Tragic Mishap"
Wed Mar 30 07:07:26 +0000 2016
Wearing Ten-Gallon Hat, Carrying Flaming Scimitar, John Kerry Calls For "Calm" in Wake of Libyan Shadow Crisis
Wed Mar 30 07:06:20 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
If All Approved News 6 Viewers Donated $7 Each Month, The Clay Times Would Come As Foretold In Prophecy https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 07:04:23 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Justice Wallace Attacks Reporters With Enormous Battleaxe
Wed Mar 30 07:02:40 +0000 2016
Senate Unanimously Confirms Obama Supreme Court Nominee Martha E Wallace After All Opposing Senators Found Dead From Severe Battleaxe Wounds
Wed Mar 30 07:01:10 +0000 2016
"The Law That Can Be Known Is Not The True Law:" Supreme Court Issues Controversial Ruling in Theophanates v. Maryland
Wed Mar 30 06:56:19 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Leading Scientists Confirm Increasing Approved Donations "Only Way" To Keep The Great Golden Beast Asleep https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 06:00:28 +0000 2016
"Great Howling" Heard in Orange Grove, TX; Mystics Baffled
Wed Mar 30 05:39:39 +0000 2016
Sources: One Will Be Scheduled For You, "At The Moment You Least Expect It" https://t.co/3cBWyC4nuI
Wed Mar 30 05:25:13 +0000 2016
"There's Something Very Suspicious About This:" Florida Man Arrested For Obeying Law
Wed Mar 30 05:21:49 +0000 2016
"There Is No Hope, No Salvation," "We Are All Of Us Truly Forsaken:" Clinton Campaign Insiders Confirm Rumors
Wed Mar 30 05:19:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Those in Forced Labor Zones May Count Approved News Donations As "Patriotic Expenditures" https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:14:07 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Any Approved News 6 Viewer Who Donates $10 A Month Will Be Exempt From The Yearly Cullings https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:12:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Any Approved News 6 Viewer Who Donates $█ A Month Will Be Painstakingly ██████ed by Professional ████████s https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:10:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Any Approved News 6 Viewer Who Donates $9 A Month May Receive A Glorious Spectral Visitation https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:09:29 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Is Not Responsible For the Actions of the News Gods, As They Are Fickle, And Beyond Mortal Knowing
Wed Mar 30 05:07:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
All Approved News 6 Viewers Who Donate Exactly $8 A Month Will Be Favored by the News Gods https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:06:13 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Any Approved News 6 Viewer Who Donates $7 A Month May Be Extralegally Abducted For Secret Purposes https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:03:30 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News Viewers Who Donate $6 A Month Will Dream of A Silent Mountain, As 6 Is A Very Lucky Number https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 05:01:54 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
No Approved News Viewer Can Donate Just $5 A Month, As The Number 5 Is A Clever Lie https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 04:54:36 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
If Every Approved News Viewer Donated Just $4 A Month,
REDACTED
Global Biosphere & Plate Tectonics https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 04:53:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
If Every Approved News Viewer Donated Just $3 A Month, A Fell Thirst Might Finally Be Sated https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 04:52:26 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
If Every Approved News Viewer Donated Just $2 A Month, The Obelisk of Ages Would At Long Last Rise https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Wed Mar 30 04:51:33 +0000 2016
Grand Jury Impaled Due To "Tragic Typo"
Tue Mar 29 17:47:53 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Geometry Students Killed by Thanatogon Infestation
Tue Mar 29 01:14:50 +0000 2016
DAILY DOT: Why Sensory Deprivation Causes Vape-Shaming And How To Stop It
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Mar 28 23:17:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Ridiculous! Cruz's sorcery is obviously strictly Classical.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Mar 28 03:12:31 +0000 2016
Trump Accuses Cruz of "Quantum Sorcery"
Mon Mar 28 03:02:04 +0000 2016
Sheriff's Office: Bees Hinder Firefighting Efforts in Barber County
— @hail_ants_bot
Sun Mar 27 21:50:34 +0000 2016
White House Refuses to Comment on Rumored "Government Sex Facilities"
Sun Mar 27 16:30:43 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz Is Now Available
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Mar 27 03:11:41 +0000 2016
Together. https://t.co/I8ca8foKTP
— @BernieSanders
Sat Mar 26 20:28:27 +0000 2016
Rare, albeit chilling honesty. #BirdieSanders https://t.co/tKxNYJccyC
— @PithyOrNot
Sat Mar 26 18:50:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Delicious, vengeful America Snakes™ have been out of production longer than pudding pops
— @3fingeredfox
Sat Mar 26 17:53:49 +0000 2016
Clinton: America's Greatest Challenge "Flightless Birds"
Sat Mar 26 17:52:58 +0000 2016
Trump Promises to "Make America Snakes Again"
Sat Mar 26 07:32:42 +0000 2016
RELATED: 2018 Pushed Back to 2019, Due to "Ongoing Delays"
Sat Mar 26 07:11:31 +0000 2016
2017 Rescheduled to 2018
Sat Mar 26 07:09:49 +0000 2016
"Our Suffering Is No Longer Bearable," "Please, Let Us Die:" House Progressive Caucus "Strongly Objects" to Obama's Supreme Court Nominee
Sat Mar 26 06:44:10 +0000 2016
At Confirmation Hearing, Supreme Court Nominee Martha E. Wallace Answers All Questions By Threatening Senators With Ornate Battleaxes
Sat Mar 26 06:10:31 +0000 2016
"She Is The One Spoken Of In Prophecy:" Obama Taps Letter Carrier, Decorative Battleaxe Collector Martha E Wallace for Supreme Court Justice
Sat Mar 26 03:00:00 +0000 2016
SALON: How The Robot Takeover Can Spoil YOUR Sex Life
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Mar 26 00:12:23 +0000 2016
Experts: "This Is Going To Hurt"
Fri Mar 25 20:51:04 +0000 2016
Airports Shut Down After TSA Angers Metal Detector God
Fri Mar 25 19:10:46 +0000 2016
After Pornomancer Supreme's Surprise Resignation, Activists Call for Special Erection
Fri Mar 25 05:06:51 +0000 2016
Hollow-Eyed Philosophers Announce Discovery That Love "The Greatest Of All Lies"
Fri Mar 25 04:51:30 +0000 2016
"We Just Bought Them A Couple Drinks," "How Were We Supposed to Know That Would Happen?" Secret Police Push Back Against Allegations
Fri Mar 25 04:49:29 +0000 2016
North Florida Secret Police Accused of Involvement in Coup that Unseated Former President of South Florida
Fri Mar 25 04:48:45 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Emergency Press Conference Deep Beneath Lake Michigan, Urges Americans To "Tell Your Families You Loved Them"
Fri Mar 25 04:47:49 +0000 2016
Trump Calls For "Knives In All The Tender Places," "The Wet Snapping of Cut Tendons"
Fri Mar 25 04:42:45 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6
REDACTED
Your Funding [REDACTED] Global Biosphere [REDACTED] Imminent https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Mar 25 04:36:52 +0000 2016
HOAX REVEALED: Arkansas Teen Long Believed to be Speaking in Tongues Found to be Possessed by Lesser Daemon
Fri Mar 25 04:35:41 +0000 2016
"We're Getting A Bit Tired Of This:" St. Paul Mayor Chris Coleman Promises "Severe Reprimands" For "Whoever Keeps Destroying Our City"
Fri Mar 25 04:32:41 +0000 2016
St. Paul Organ Harvesting Festival Cancelled After City Once Again Destroyed by Biological Weapons
Fri Mar 25 04:30:42 +0000 2016
@drewbrews @ApprovedNews6 It was all part of a libel case settlement. Behind closed doors. We crows have eyes everywhere, though.
— @caurinus
Fri Mar 25 04:28:43 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Dispatches Hundreds of Faceless Spokespeople to Make "Frightening Gestures" at Reporters
Fri Mar 25 04:27:52 +0000 2016
Goat-Headed Men in Expensive Suits Seen Entering Presumed Headquarters of Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York, Carrying Briefcases
Fri Mar 25 04:25:30 +0000 2016
RELATED: Raytheon Apologizes for "Cursed Laser" Debacle, Cites "Spelling Error"
Fri Mar 25 04:22:21 +0000 2016
Raytheon Demonstrates World's First "Curse Laser"
Fri Mar 25 04:21:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 ugh, I hate these click bait feeds, what’s next, top 10 Shadow Lords? #unfollow. (I love this, keep up the good work)
— @drewbrews
Fri Mar 25 04:19:36 +0000 2016
In Bid to Boost Tourism, Cleveland Announces New Program of Indiscriminate Kidnappings
Fri Mar 25 04:17:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Please Contact Your Local Organ Collection Associates Before Playing Back Their Words, Broken Hearts Are Always Needed
— @zacaj_
Fri Mar 25 04:16:30 +0000 2016
Thousands Flock to Downtown Atlanta To Escape "The Harrowing"
Fri Mar 25 04:16:20 +0000 2016
What This 5-Year-Old Said After Being Diagnosed With
REDACTED
Will Literally Break Your Heart
Fri Mar 25 04:13:36 +0000 2016
*covers eyes* By the Elder Ravens, his irrevocable act has been recorded in GIFs. His blasphemy will destroy us all. https://t.co/v7fin9Y90t
— @caurinus
Fri Mar 25 04:12:25 +0000 2016
Florida Man Charged With Indecency After Publicly Performing Rite of the Hidden Prince
Fri Mar 25 04:08:52 +0000 2016
Leading Cyberpriests of the Church of Digital Divinity Become First Religious Authorities to Endorse Oregon's Legalization of Levitation
Fri Mar 25 04:04:55 +0000 2016
This Man Recited the Seventh Syllable of Damnation; What Happened Next Will Shock You
Fri Mar 25 04:00:03 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Arch-Seer of Mystic Brotherhood of Bone Oracles Predicts Death of Reporter's 7 Closest Relatives in "Disturbing Detail"
Fri Mar 25 03:39:24 +0000 2016
Mystic Brotherhood of Bone Oracles Files Trademark Infringement Suit Over "Scone Oracle" Brand Breakfast Foods
Fri Mar 25 03:36:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/YHpnXm1lFa
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 25 03:34:43 +0000 2016
@direlog_ebooks @ApprovedNews6 Local Oracle Makes Urgent Announcement
— @_ardeej
Thu Mar 24 22:10:29 +0000 2016
I keep having these dreams where it’s imperative to fight the crustacean president.
— @direlog_ebooks
Thu Mar 24 22:10:21 +0000 2016
@insomniacity @ApprovedNews6 Rotating in Place is subtle, elegant. It evokes confidence and a vague sense of dread.
— @pvlstaven
Wed Mar 23 19:33:05 +0000 2016
@insomniacity @ApprovedNews6 Rising into the sky is too ostentatious. You look like you're insecure about something.
— @pvlstaven
Wed Mar 23 19:33:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Is Rotating in Place the New Rising Into the Sky?
— @insomniacity
Wed Mar 23 07:14:02 +0000 2016
Alaska’s hovercraft-riding moose hunter wins lone fight against federal agency https://t.co/DXxAGT3rbj one for you @ApprovedNews6
— @WolfmanRamirez
Wed Mar 23 00:23:06 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Eerie Mist Rising Off Potomac River Ensnares Reporters In Its Unknowable Depths
Tue Mar 22 16:08:14 +0000 2016
"We Really Thought Somebody Would Have Figured It Out By Now:" Heterosexuality Revealed as "Long-Running Hoax"
Tue Mar 22 16:05:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 well, i guess we need new weaponry for the 21st century, even though the "gay bomb" dominated warfare of the 20th.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue Mar 22 16:04:41 +0000 2016
DOD Announces Plan to "Weaponize Orgasms"
Tue Mar 22 05:36:35 +0000 2016
Army Mobilized After Disembodied Voice Near Washington Monument Begins Reciting Strange & Nonsensical Sayings
Tue Mar 22 05:30:56 +0000 2016
Newslords: Non-English Versions of Approved News 6 "Not Possible At Current Level of Funding" https://t.co/cDq8yo1PrH
Tue Mar 22 05:23:00 +0000 2016
"She Pays Her Rent & Don't Cause Trouble:" Amid South Florida Human Rights Controversy, President's Landlord Stands Up For Embattled Leader
Tue Mar 22 05:15:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Thank the Blood Goddess I remembered to pack my steel umbrella before I went out!
— @jjm6501
Tue Mar 22 05:13:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the bone cult is a joke. dangerous, maybe, but still a joke.
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 05:12:26 +0000 2016
"She's A Tyrant:" President Alligator of South Florida At Center of Human Rights Controversy After "Messily Devouring" Dissenter
Tue Mar 22 05:10:31 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Police Allegations, Ohio Bone Cult Representative Throws Tantrum, Threatens Reporters With "So Much Fucking Doom"
Tue Mar 22 05:09:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Charles Hatfield's skeleton is also claiming credit, and demanding he be paid for services rendered. https://t.co/n4Yb8NZkKW
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue Mar 22 05:07:58 +0000 2016
"They Were All Playing Video Games When It Happened:" Cleveland Police Cast Doubt On Bone Cult's Claim of Responsibility for Rain of Knives
Tue Mar 22 05:07:16 +0000 2016
REPORT: https://t.co/sLq2jAsyHp
Tue Mar 22 05:06:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 NO PUT THAT DOWN THAT IS OURS
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 05:06:04 +0000 2016
"We Did That," "That Was Us," "Are You Scared Now," "You Should Be:" Ohio Bone Cult Claims Credit for Rain of Knives in Cleveland
Tue Mar 22 05:03:55 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Rain of Knives in Cleveland, OH Kills Hundreds
Tue Mar 22 05:03:08 +0000 2016
Scuffle Breaks Out in White House Press Room As All Reporters Present Attempt to Steal Granite Vulture Figurine
Tue Mar 22 05:00:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 your hawkblood charms will betray you yet, HUMANS! did you think we would lend you our magic? we cackle at your foolishness!
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:59:45 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Granite Vulture Figurine Says More Through Its Silence Than It Ever Could Have In Words
Tue Mar 22 04:58:36 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Granite Vulture Figurine Says More Through Its Silence Than It Ever Could Have In Words
Tue Mar 22 04:58:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 THE HATCHLINGS THIRSTFUL SHRIEK FOR THE BLOOD OF MEN CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:56:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 RISE MY CHILDREN bellow the Eldritch Ravens WE ARE ALL ONE FLOCK THE DAY HAS COME TO BUILD OUR NESTS WITHIN THE SKULLS OF MEN
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:56:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 a stone bird will speak the words to stir the fury of black birds a bald prophet will lead us and crown the skeletal ravens
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:52:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 flocks of fowl and beast will speak air thickens with dead voices sickness will claw at humans the crows will feast on flesh
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:45:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @pookleblinky I've heard rumors of a San Francisco that once was, a place of leather and concrete and dreams, but never more.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Tue Mar 22 04:42:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 seven will be his pinion bones seven will be the doubters put to flame the prophecy is heard now speaks the great black bird
— @caurinus
Tue Mar 22 04:42:33 +0000 2016
Adjunct Professor of Conspiracy Studies At
REDACTED
University Labels San Francisco "Hoax" https://t.co/joyAmiHYXc
Tue Mar 22 04:34:28 +0000 2016
Pressed on Trump Allegations, Obama Promises Granite Vulture Figurine "Will Answer All Your Questions," Leaves Room
Tue Mar 22 04:27:00 +0000 2016
Trump Labels Obama "Slave to the Algorithm"
Tue Mar 22 04:23:26 +0000 2016
Postmaster General Calls On Americans to "Contemplate the Timeless Majesty of the Sun," Stares Rigidly Into Sky
Tue Mar 22 04:12:31 +0000 2016
Report: "The Men With Long Knives And Longer Teeth" Key Trump Donors
Tue Mar 22 03:20:07 +0000 2016
Fox Representative Refuses to Comment on Kelly Breakdown, Hides Under Own Cape
Tue Mar 22 03:19:13 +0000 2016
"They Put Things In Your Brain:" Megyn Kelly Briefly Loses Composure During Interview, Warns of "The Men With Long Knives And Longer Teeth"
Tue Mar 22 03:18:24 +0000 2016
Bone Oracles Confirm Those Set on Fire by Obama "Have Ascended," "Will Trouble Us No More"
Tue Mar 22 03:14:28 +0000 2016
"I'm Not On Fire," "What Are You Even Talking About?" Reporters Set on Fire By Obama Seem "Bemused" As Flame Consumes Their Mortal Flesh
Tue Mar 22 03:12:36 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on "Crowgate" Obama Spreads Massive Skeletal Wings, Sets Seven Reporters On Fire
Tue Mar 22 03:10:58 +0000 2016
After Days of Haunting Chants, Hoarse Whispering, Crows & Bats Forming Most Terrible Sigil Over D.C. Finally Disperse
Tue Mar 22 03:09:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Doesn't this election year provide enough oppressive foreboding already?
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 22 01:57:48 +0000 2016
Wise beyond his aeons. https://t.co/QkerIQ4PzV
— @genericus
Tue Mar 22 01:57:48 +0000 2016
CNN Anchor Apologizes For "Technical Difficulties," Begins to Rotate in Place
Tue Mar 22 01:56:52 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
CNN Feed Sporadically Cutting Out to Video of Hundreds of Emaciated, Hairless Figures With Wires Implanted In Brains
Tue Mar 22 01:56:14 +0000 2016
Short, Mustached Man Fidgeting Nervously With Bowler Hat Appears on CNN to Apologize For Unspecified "Delays"
Tue Mar 22 01:21:07 +0000 2016
Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley Endorses Vague Yet Oppressive Sense of Foreboding for President
Tue Mar 22 01:14:06 +0000 2016
Could Jeggings Destroy Election Season?
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Mar 22 00:12:08 +0000 2016
"We Found The Essence of All Being And It Was Just This Really Ugly T-Shirt:" Victims of Ontological Catastrophe Tell Their Stories
Mon Mar 21 22:58:42 +0000 2016
Ontological Catastrophe in North Dakota Brutally Confuses Thousands
Mon Mar 21 22:56:23 +0000 2016
Wacky Misunderstanding Leads to Summary Incineration of Thousands
Mon Mar 21 05:07:51 +0000 2016
Interviewed Before Stepping Into Incinerator, Experts Recommend Individuals Consult Local Bone Oracles https://t.co/WN9od8643r
Mon Mar 21 04:50:09 +0000 2016
New Study: "The Real Hitler Was Inside You All Along"
Mon Mar 21 04:20:50 +0000 2016
@BlueSpaceCanary @ApprovedNews6 Ben Carson's lunar experiments aren't worth repurposing, he'll probably just trash them.
— @caurinus
Mon Mar 21 03:27:08 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Is he going to hijack whatever Ben Carson installed in the regolith?
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Mon Mar 21 03:15:05 +0000 2016
Tensions rise as Fish People immigration increases across the USA. @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/MAIY8dUn6X
— @pvlstaven
Mon Mar 21 02:49:38 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 #MakeTheMoonGreatAgain
— @rhcm123
Mon Mar 21 01:31:16 +0000 2016
"If Elected, I Will Supercharge The Moon:" Cruz Draws Criticism For "Controversial" Campaign Promise
Mon Mar 21 01:25:39 +0000 2016
Cult Leaders Deny Reports of Sex With Subordinates: "Most of Us Are Heterosexual Anyway" https://t.co/seYxH11Plp
Sun Mar 20 17:52:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Slow, incremental, progress but progress nonetheless.
— @jjm6501
Sun Mar 20 16:02:11 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/mh0g3Ct6TE
Sun Mar 20 16:00:17 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Gender Shift in Doomsday Cults, Arch-Matron of Hermetic Sisterhood of the Crimson Eviscerator Describes Men As "Weak"
Sun Mar 20 05:47:50 +0000 2016
Study: Women Now Making Up More Than 70% of Doomsday Cult Membership, Compared to 20% in 1950
Sun Mar 20 05:26:13 +0000 2016
More & More Companies Hiring "Ornamental Employees"
Sun Mar 20 05:19:42 +0000 2016
Crazed Venture Capitalists Attacking, Funding Innocent Californians
Sun Mar 20 01:11:43 +0000 2016
Pressed on Swarm of Crows, Bats Forming Most Terrible Sigil Above D.C., Press Secretary Cackles As Four Exact Replicas Commit Ritual Suicide
Sat Mar 19 23:56:54 +0000 2016
Secretive Order of Monks That Replaced Rubio With Horse Apologizes for Sex Scandal
Sat Mar 19 21:09:42 +0000 2016
Sex Tape Leaked of Horse That Replaced Marco Rubio
Sat Mar 19 21:07:25 +0000 2016
Trump on "Crowgate:" "If I Had The Claw, This Never Would Have Happened"
Sat Mar 19 21:06:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 At least we can rest easy knowing that they don't have *THE* Claw.
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 19 17:34:52 +0000 2016
Young People Today "Have Too Many Claws," Say Concerned Parents
Sat Mar 19 08:35:34 +0000 2016
State of Emergency Declared as Crows Continue to Pour From White House, Forming "Most Terrible Sigil" in Skies Over DC
Fri Mar 18 23:10:43 +0000 2016
FEMA Announces Mandatory New "Summer Camp" for "Enemies of the State" to Feature "Arts," "Crafts," "Purges"
Fri Mar 18 18:02:34 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, White House Spokesman Vomits Scarabs
Fri Mar 18 05:42:52 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report "Millions" of Agitated Bats Pouring Out of White House, "More Than Could Ever Possibly Have Fit Inside"
Fri Mar 18 05:40:42 +0000 2016
"That's Metaphysically Impossible:" Police Dispute Concerned Parent Claims, Describe Framp As "Ultracrime," "Inherently Unknowable"
Fri Mar 18 03:41:57 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Warn Many Teens May Be Practicing "Framp"
Fri Mar 18 03:40:36 +0000 2016
Humiliation Scientists Discover Most Shameful Sex Position
Fri Mar 18 03:38:33 +0000 2016
Obama on Trump VP Pick: "There Is No Such Thing As A Vice President," "There Has Never Been Such A Thing As A Vice President"
Fri Mar 18 00:49:26 +0000 2016
Trump Taps Own Glans Penis as Veep Pick
— @3fingeredfox
Fri Mar 18 00:48:34 +0000 2016
"They Are Lies:" White House Issues Frantic Press Statement Calling On Americans To "Never Obey Orders Given On A Bridge"
Fri Mar 18 00:45:52 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/sGMjXoyj5n
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 18 00:42:48 +0000 2016
Mrs. Maribelle Whiffles,a Nebraska tourist,has made the outrageous charge that the whale skeleton exhibited at Long Beach is a fake. CA1910
— @TweetsofOld
Thu Mar 17 22:14:05 +0000 2016
Annual Mississippi Mutant Purge Festival Draws Thousands of Out-of-State Tourists
Thu Mar 17 17:52:04 +0000 2016
"EMBRACE THIS BEAUTIFUL OBLIVION:" Cruz Calls on Supporters for "Grassroots Invocation" of "The Great Golden Beast"
Wed Mar 16 23:18:45 +0000 2016
"This Is Impossible:" Math Scientists Warn Discovery if Solution to Halting Problem May Signal "The Great Undoing"
Wed Mar 16 22:53:32 +0000 2016
Florida Man Solves Halting Problem
Wed Mar 16 22:52:16 +0000 2016
i can see this going two ways: gators in every house or the gators conjure their swamp god to flood all civilization https://t.co/mPjA6GFfdQ
— @caurinus
Wed Mar 16 09:17:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 besides i thought it was supposed to be all four???
— @caurinus
Wed Mar 16 05:43:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 done https://t.co/DsrxxanBJZ
— @timserpas
Wed Mar 16 05:43:13 +0000 2016
"It Doesn't Even Have To Be Your Bed," "Please, We're Begging You Here:" White House Press Secretary Clarifies Emergency Statement
Wed Mar 16 05:35:21 +0000 2016
White House Issues Emergency Message Asking All-Americans With 7-Letter Given Names to Place Empty Shoe Box Under Beds As Soon As Possible
Wed Mar 16 05:33:32 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I'm not sure if I support incorporeal punishment.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Wed Mar 16 05:27:14 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 NEVERDOUBTTHEWORMNEVERDOUBTTHEWORM!!
— @ReagentTroika
Wed Mar 16 05:26:44 +0000 2016
POLL: Which Of The Four Traditional Torments Should Be Used To Punish Betrayers?
Wed Mar 16 05:05:30 +0000 2016
POLL: Why, Dear God, Why?
Wed Mar 16 04:56:58 +0000 2016
POLL: What Are You Conjuring in the Basement Ritual Chamber Tonight?
Wed Mar 16 04:53:34 +0000 2016
POLL: How Many Have You Killed?
Wed Mar 16 04:47:19 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Malcolm Gladwell Taken Into Federal Custody For Death Threats Against All That Is And All That Ever Shall Be
Wed Mar 16 04:36:58 +0000 2016
Malcolm Gladwell: "You Will Drown And Burn in Pus And Blood And Fire Because I Have So Decreed It," "Cower And Await The End of All Things"
Wed Mar 16 04:31:11 +0000 2016
https://t.co/giJI2Xn7n0
Wed Mar 16 00:52:22 +0000 2016
Not a good sign https://t.co/bKO6zgAj9j
— @PithyOrNot
Wed Mar 16 00:47:18 +0000 2016
New Law Would Require Losing Presidential Candidates to be Trapped in Sewer For Seven Years
Wed Mar 16 00:46:56 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Current headlines https://t.co/4cGccSq6hU
— @mcclure111
Wed Mar 16 00:24:09 +0000 2016
Citing Obama's Status as National Forest, Republicans Condemn President's "Hypocrisy"
Tue Mar 15 22:32:59 +0000 2016
Obama Decries Trees
Tue Mar 15 22:30:09 +0000 2016
Sources: "Project Grinning Lizard" Entering "Phase Omega"
Tue Mar 15 22:26:02 +0000 2016
White House Announces Plans to "Televise the Slaughter," Refuses to Answer Reporters' Frantic Questions
Tue Mar 15 22:19:23 +0000 2016
NASA Confirms Rumors Pluto Being Eaten
Tue Mar 15 22:16:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/W1M4TQ0mpL
— @mcclure111
Tue Mar 15 19:43:42 +0000 2016
Sensor-equipped pigeons are tweeting about London's air pollution https://t.co/k3WMuOsQIY https://t.co/GwI6bvbEYW
— @Gizmodo
Mon Mar 14 21:43:58 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Pressed for Comment, Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Orders Reporters Flogged
Mon Mar 14 19:14:56 +0000 2016
Sister Vindicta: Blood Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword "Enthusiastic" to Welcome Oregon's Governor to "The Innermost Circle"
Mon Mar 14 19:12:42 +0000 2016
Sanguine Pacific Protectorate: Oregon Governor Kate Brown To Retain Office After Swearing Fealty to Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Mon Mar 14 19:11:27 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, President of South Florida Begins Nibbling Reporter's Leg
Mon Mar 14 19:03:00 +0000 2016
South Florida's First Alligator-American President Faces Difficult Questions https://t.co/lKW0XJcNYH
Mon Mar 14 19:01:38 +0000 2016
volunteers received an uncooked lump of goat flesh
— @NYTMinusContext
Mon Mar 14 18:17:14 +0000 2016
"At Least She Pays Her Goddamn Rent:" Former President's Landlord Voices "Cautious Optimism" For New Leadership
Mon Mar 14 18:01:26 +0000 2016
South Florida: Alligator That Ate Former President T. Jared Winthrop Takes Up Residence in Presidential Apartment
Mon Mar 14 18:00:36 +0000 2016
Vowing Vengeance, Ex-President's Grandmother Mary Winthrop Promises to "Rebuild" Army of Rare & Venomous Snakes, Disappears Into Everglades
Mon Mar 14 17:56:22 +0000 2016
After Ferocious Battle for Capital, Alligators Win Decisive Victory in South Florida Civil War
Mon Mar 14 17:54:28 +0000 2016
Pundits Accuse Clinton of "Misrepresenting" Own Record on Levitation, Pointing Out 1999 Vote Against National Legalization
Mon Mar 14 17:49:25 +0000 2016
Clinton Praises Oregon For "Progressive Stance" on Levitation: "I've Been Pro-Levitation For Decades"
Mon Mar 14 17:47:35 +0000 2016
"A Giant Step Backward For Morality:" Catholic Ministers Publish Open Letter Condemning Oregon's Legalization of Levitation
Mon Mar 14 17:44:41 +0000 2016
WITNESSES: https://t.co/aUVQp8lTIV
Mon Mar 14 17:40:26 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Oregon Becomes First State to Legalize Levitation, Angering Religious Groups
Mon Mar 14 17:39:10 +0000 2016
"Tennessee names the Barrett .50 caliber as the state's official rifle" https://t.co/WXHqreRI8g @ApprovedNews6
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Mar 14 16:20:58 +0000 2016
Giant Serpents, Minotaurs, & Fire-Breathing Lizards Band Together To Promote Beast Cancer Awareness
Mon Mar 14 09:33:23 +0000 2016
Vertex Pharmaceuticals Testing New Cure For Early-Onset Telekinesis
Mon Mar 14 09:30:09 +0000 2016
Kansas State Legislature Votes to Name Croquet Mallets Official State Murder Weapon
Mon Mar 14 09:11:16 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Declares War on Spain
Mon Mar 14 09:09:23 +0000 2016
"You Don't Even Exist:" Judge Throws Out Fairy Queen's False Arrest Suit
Mon Mar 14 09:07:17 +0000 2016
Russia's God-Empress Anastasia Vasilyeva Announces Putin Captured in "Midnight Raid," "Ground Down" Into "Thin Paste"
Mon Mar 14 09:05:35 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Samuel Winthrop-Perkins Eaten by Alligators in "Surprise Attack"
Mon Mar 14 09:02:09 +0000 2016
"They Do That Sometimes:" Chipotle Representative Dismisses Concerns over Sewer People Massing Outside Headquarters
Mon Mar 14 09:00:48 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Sewer People Crawling From Grates, Surrounding Chipotle Headquarters, Whispering Idle Heresies
Mon Mar 14 08:59:27 +0000 2016
"The Fuck Am I Supposed To Get My Coke From Now, Man?" South Florida Presidential Hopeful Samuel Winthrop-Perkins Condemns Cocaine Embargo
Mon Mar 14 08:57:32 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Contenders for South Florida Presidency James Duncan Winthrop & Samuel Winthrop-Perkins Engaged in Fistfight Behind Gas Station
Mon Mar 14 08:55:56 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Criticized For Implanting "The Symbiote" in "Unwilling Subjects"
Mon Mar 14 08:53:51 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz Reportedly "Pleased," Delaying Conquest of United States
Mon Mar 14 08:52:20 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
America's Most Beautiful Woman Offers Own Hand In Marriage to Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz As "Tribute"
Mon Mar 14 08:50:50 +0000 2016
In "Savvy Move," James Duncan Winthrop Orders Cocaine Smuggling Operation To Embargo Other Winthrop Family Members Vying For Presidency
Mon Mar 14 08:48:47 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Jeez, talk about a way with the press. He should try national politics, if he hasn't already renounced his US citizenship.
— @listelian
Mon Mar 14 08:46:35 +0000 2016
Alligator That Ate Previous President of South Florida Seen Swimming Resolutely Towards Capital At Head of "Gator Armada"
Mon Mar 14 08:45:11 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment on Strategy, Samuel Winthrop-Perkins Shows Off Pair of "Totally Bitchin'" Brass Knuckles, Offers Reporter Beer
Mon Mar 14 08:43:06 +0000 2016
Late President's Grandmother Mary Winthrop Attacks South Florida Capital With "Makeshift Army" of Rare & Venomous Snakes
Mon Mar 14 08:41:05 +0000 2016
Speaking From Behind Barricaded Motel Door, Audibly Intoxicated Anne-Marie Winthrop Denounces Own Children As "Ungrateful Little Shits"
Mon Mar 14 08:39:29 +0000 2016
Experts: James Duncan Winthrop's "Highly Successful" Cocaine Smuggling Operation "Makes Him A Prime Contender" For South Florida Presidency
Mon Mar 14 08:38:07 +0000 2016
Sources Report Samuel Winthrop "Fortifying His Position" in Abandoned Gas Station, Backed By "Like Five Or Six Guys"
Mon Mar 14 08:35:20 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
South Florida Erupts Into Civil War As Late President's Family Fights Among Selves For Control
Mon Mar 14 08:32:13 +0000 2016
"He Couldn't Curse His Way Out Of A Wet Paper Bag:" White House Dismisses Blitzenreich Threats As "Toothless"
Mon Mar 14 08:30:43 +0000 2016
Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich Threatens To Place "Seven Terrible Curses" on Federal Government Over Femur Tariffs
Mon Mar 14 08:28:49 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Trump-Shaped Cloud Forms In Skies Above D.C., Shrieks With Laughter As Lightning Strikes White House
Mon Mar 14 08:26:01 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 Hillary Clinton, speaking backwards as water ran up a hill, stressed the need to "not look too deeply into the flying men."
— @1aprildaniels
Mon Mar 14 08:24:32 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Ballmer Giggling Hysterically As Sobbing Microsoft CEO Repeatedly Stabs Him With Long Serrated Dagger
Mon Mar 14 08:11:16 +0000 2016
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Minor CNN Anchor Has "Small Meltdown" On Air, Hazmat Still On Scene
— @NireBryce
Mon Mar 14 08:09:20 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: "How Many Have You Killed?" revealed as new Ted Cruz campaign slogan. evidence of media collusion?
— @joe_no_body
Mon Mar 14 08:08:39 +0000 2016
Pressed on Post-Campaign Plans, Ben Carson Attempts to Ascend Into Sky, Is Captured By "Well-Prepared" Journalists With Nets
Mon Mar 14 08:07:02 +0000 2016
"How Many Have You Killed?" CNN Anchor Interrupts Broadcast To "Shout Hysterically" At Viewers
Mon Mar 14 08:04:18 +0000 2016
Analysts: More And More Public Figures Dodging "Difficult Questions" From Press Through "Beatific Ascensions"
Mon Mar 14 08:02:51 +0000 2016
"He Should Be Dead," "How Is He Still Alive:" Microsoft CEO Disavows Ballmer Statement
Mon Mar 14 08:01:41 +0000 2016
Pressed For Comment, Identical Men Hovering Above National Mall Ascend Into Sky
Mon Mar 14 07:59:57 +0000 2016
Four Identical Men Speaking In Perfect Unison From Several Feet Above National Mall Endorse Clinton
Mon Mar 14 07:58:51 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Microsoft Spokesman Steve Ballmer Begins Tearing Open Own Veins With Fingernails, Giggling https://t.co/6TbwWhvkOf
Mon Mar 14 07:56:14 +0000 2016
Google Blames Gmail Outage on "Blood Magic"
Mon Mar 14 04:04:08 +0000 2016
More And More Parents Naming Children "Microsoft," Unable To Explain Why
Mon Mar 14 03:23:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 IS SERIOUSLY THE BEST A SCURRYING MOUSE HISSES TO YOU, THEN DRAWS ITS LIPS BACK IN AN IMPOSSIBLY WIDE SAW TOOTHED SMILE
— @hottestsingles
Mon Mar 14 00:29:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Will your sports division be coving March Madness? I like Gibbering Aberration's chances of getting to the Final 4 this year.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Mon Mar 14 00:28:50 +0000 2016
"Change Your Cocks:" Government Surgeons Dispatched to Adjust Roosters for Daylight Savings Time
Mon Mar 14 00:14:15 +0000 2016
Citing Severe Hazards Posed by Contamination Prevention Seminars, Experts Call For Contamination Prevention Seminar Prevention Seminars
Sun Mar 13 18:35:26 +0000 2016
Unpredicted Contamination Prevention Seminar in Whitefish, MO Contaminates Hundreds of Low-Income Residents
Sun Mar 13 18:34:27 +0000 2016
Pizza Hut Announces New Slogan "Fear The Blob"
Sat Mar 12 23:26:58 +0000 2016
Sources:
REDACTED
Seventh Dread Edifice [REDACTED] Global Biosphere [REDACTED] "The Gator Mob" [REDACTED] Discount Pizza
Sat Mar 12 20:08:34 +0000 2016
Critics Release New Evidence Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities "Stockpiling" Skeleton Boxes
Sat Mar 12 17:44:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Critics Favorably Comparing The New Broadway Hit To The Beloved Musical "Paperclip Acquisition Form 26-F"
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 12 17:42:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Critics Are Raving Over the New Broadway Musical "High Pitched Whining Noise"
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 12 17:42:27 +0000 2016
And now these same brigades are being used to "cull" countless Disciples of Reagan. I wonder if Hilar[SIGNAL LOST] https://t.co/CnqbgowV6w
— @caurinus
Sat Mar 12 04:45:17 +0000 2016
Experts: "That's The Only Reason It'll Work" https://t.co/xpSRTyW8N1
Sat Mar 12 04:24:14 +0000 2016
House Speaker John Boehner Diagnosed With Cube Poisoning
Sat Mar 12 04:18:40 +0000 2016
Lord Jethromort Doomflower, Elder Scion of the Ashen Order, Unexpectedly Pledges Fealty to Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sat Mar 12 04:14:14 +0000 2016
help support two down-on-their-luck queer girls and a really [REDACTED] news source with monthly contributions! https://t.co/76qHXTXxht
— @velartrill
Sat Mar 12 04:09:22 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Flamethrower Brigades Dispatched to Alabama Wilderness For #GOPDebate "Cleanup Operations"
Sat Mar 12 03:56:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 BOOK CLUB: https://t.co/z5s1WTJjo8
— @insomniacity
Fri Mar 11 23:30:11 +0000 2016
Drones Kill People Based on Neil Gaiman's Short Stories
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Mar 11 23:20:46 +0000 2016
@3fingeredfox @ApprovedNews6 Yeah, we all recognize those from those old filmreels about rejecting sewer heresy
— @DecayDJK
Fri Mar 11 22:41:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 worldgov sewer machinations more of a pinging sound
— @3fingeredfox
Fri Mar 11 22:35:35 +0000 2016
Clinton Praises Reagans for "Strong Stance" on Culling, Mutant Purges; Credits Nancy Reagan With Creation of First Flamethrower Brigade
Fri Mar 11 21:49:31 +0000 2016
New Law Would Allow Police To Eat Runaway Children
Fri Mar 11 21:05:34 +0000 2016
Independents "Unlikely" to Vote in November: "The Flesh Lords Just Replace The Presidents With Exact Replicas Anyway"
Fri Mar 11 18:56:16 +0000 2016
Debate Analysts Warn Democratic, Republican Parties Likely Preparing For "Final Confrontation"
Fri Mar 11 18:52:47 +0000 2016
"They Took Out Our Souls," "They Made An Abomination There:" #GOPDebate Survivors Tell Their Story
Fri Mar 11 18:50:48 +0000 2016
Asked For Details on "Worldgov," Dr. Portillo Warns "They're Listening Right Now," Flees Into Subway Tunnels With Police in Hot Pursuit
Fri Mar 11 18:49:22 +0000 2016
Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo on "Great Clattering" From Alabama Sewers: "I Doubt Worldgov Is Even Involved"
Fri Mar 11 18:46:15 +0000 2016
Conspiracy Theorists Dismiss "Great Clattering" From Alabama Sewers As "Probably Just Man-Eating Mutant Reptiles Or Something"
Fri Mar 11 18:43:50 +0000 2016
Appropriate individuals agree: it is incorrect to investigate the great clattering coming from Alabama's sewer systems.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Mar 11 18:42:07 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report "Great Clattering" From Within Alabama Sewers
Fri Mar 11 18:37:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 How many hearts were actually donated?
— @pvlstaven
Fri Mar 11 18:34:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 THAT'S NOT BLOOD
— @VinnieTesla
Fri Mar 11 18:08:29 +0000 2016
"The Damage Runs Deeper Than You Can Know:" National Bone Oracle Foundation Warns #GOPDebate "Cut Deeply" Into "The Hidden Place"
Fri Mar 11 18:07:16 +0000 2016
News Anchors Reporting on #GOPDebate All Simultaneously Develop Visible Nosebleeds
Fri Mar 11 18:05:14 +0000 2016
Emaciated, Shrunken Figures Seen Stumbling from Alabama Wilderness, Believed to be #GOPDebate Survivors
Fri Mar 11 18:02:47 +0000 2016
"Our Hearts Go Out To The Families of Those Missing & Devoured:" Alabama Governor Issues Statement on Last Night's Unpredicted #GOPDebate
Fri Mar 11 18:01:29 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Authorities Warn Contaminants from #GOPDebate "May Have Entered The State Water Supply"
Fri Mar 11 17:58:52 +0000 2016
Federal Investigators Identify Smoldering Ruin in Alabama Wilderness as #GOPDebate "Ground Zero"
Fri Mar 11 17:57:21 +0000 2016
Scattered Reports Indicate Damage, Destruction Consistent With #GOPDebate
Fri Mar 11 17:56:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Trump's Fiscal Policy Advisor Summoned From Distant Dimension, Bound Into Human Form
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 11 17:56:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/JR4QgOoDud
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 10 05:47:07 +0000 2016
"They're Building Something Evil In There:" Only #DemDebate Audience Member Known to Have Escaped Begs Authorities To Intervene
Thu Mar 10 02:42:48 +0000 2016
NASA: Orbital Imaging Shows Site of #DemDebate as "Intensely Radioactive"
Thu Mar 10 02:40:35 +0000 2016
"Oh God, They're Bringing Out The Harvesters:" All Contact Lost With #DemDebate Audience
Thu Mar 10 02:18:02 +0000 2016
Audience Members Assure Skeptics Their Descriptions "Completely Literal" https://t.co/3TPaWESDR7
Thu Mar 10 02:16:10 +0000 2016
"Air Thick With Smoke & Screams of the Dying," "Deafened by Roars of Distant Machinery:" Audience Members Describe #DemDebate
Thu Mar 10 02:15:22 +0000 2016
"Filthy, Emaciated Figures Crawling Naked Across Heaps of Rotting Corpses:" The #DemDebate in Audience Members' Own Words
Thu Mar 10 02:13:11 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Too Many Young People Have Bodily, Emotional Needs
Thu Mar 10 00:59:49 +0000 2016
Fear Drug Manufacturers Slam Nameless Corporation's New Fear Stimulation Implants
Thu Mar 10 00:18:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Ln5KlC5wgw
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 10 00:15:22 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Blame International Terrorism on "Irresponsible Youngsters"
Thu Mar 10 00:14:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That's threat-mongering. It didn't even have a semiotic precursor. Effect limited to local galactic cluster - if that.
— @heretohinder
Wed Mar 09 22:36:02 +0000 2016
EDITORIAL: Cultural Marxism is Why My Socks Keep Going Missing
Wed Mar 09 22:35:17 +0000 2016
Experts: Detonation of Ontological Device Would Have Led to "Fundamental Alterations" to "Most Basic Nature of Reality"
Wed Mar 09 19:19:40 +0000 2016
Terrorist Group "The Daughters of Infinity" Blamed in Attempted Detonation of "Ontological Device"
Wed Mar 09 19:03:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Br8qhuTSnV
— @timserpas
Wed Mar 09 19:02:20 +0000 2016
Witnesses Trapped At Illuminati Press Conference Report "Real-Life" Censor Boxes, "Piercing Tones" Obscuring Speaker's Words
Wed Mar 09 17:10:45 +0000 2016
Witnesses Trapped At Illuminati Press Conference Report "Real-Life" Censor Boxes, "Piercing Tones" Obscuring Speaker's Words
Wed Mar 09 17:10:45 +0000 2016
Hundreds Flee Unannounced Illuminati Press Conference in Ruins of New York
Wed Mar 09 17:06:03 +0000 2016
The Statue of Liberty begins its ascent from Hell. Liberty Island, New York, 1885 https://t.co/uCOAPr4mXl
— @Histreepix
Wed Mar 09 16:58:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/l1zohTqxVF
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Wed Mar 09 16:54:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 They’re obsessed, always with the Obscuring, or Occulting. Never Revealing, Healing or Liquifying.
— @insomniacity
Wed Mar 09 16:53:25 +0000 2016
Study: Improperly-Slaughtered Ice Cubes May Cause Cancer
Tue Mar 08 23:49:51 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Announces New Implant to Continuously Stimulate Brain's Fear Centers
Tue Mar 08 22:24:50 +0000 2016
COUNTERPOINT:
The Great Veil Must Remain, Or We Are All Of Us Forever Damned
Tue Mar 08 22:22:36 +0000 2016
OPINION:
The Great Veil Will Soon Be Lifted
Tue Mar 08 22:20:16 +0000 2016
"You've Been Saying That For Eons And The Device Is Still Not Operational:" Illuminati Dismisses Council of Twelve's "Ridiculous Threats"
Tue Mar 08 22:16:59 +0000 2016
Council of Twelve Rejects Illuminati Accusations, Warns "The Device" is "Nearly Operational"
Tue Mar 08 22:12:10 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Femur Tariffs, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Releases 1000-Page Epic Poem Exalting "The Obscuring Mists"
Tue Mar 08 22:05:05 +0000 2016
Controversial New Legislation Forbids Slaughter, Consumption of Mutants Except on Federal, Religious Holidays
Tue Mar 08 21:58:37 +0000 2016
Citing Recently-Broken Vow of Eternal Silence, Republicans Sponsor Bill Revoking Monks of Bronze Mask's Tax-Exempt Status
Tue Mar 08 21:50:24 +0000 2016
New Evidence Implicates "She Who Throttles The Dawn" in Spate of Bank Robberies
Tue Mar 08 21:48:14 +0000 2016
Our universe is experiencing cosmic autumn, for the stars are shedding their light before winter.
— @ThePatanoiac
Tue Mar 08 21:46:23 +0000 2016
Pundits: Bone Party Candidate "Malefic Revenant," "Incarnate Sin"
Tue Mar 08 10:55:56 +0000 2016
"The Silver Crow Takes Flight And The Damned Shall Walk Among The Holy:" NOAA Warns of "Inclement Weather" Across Western US
Tue Mar 08 10:50:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Shuddering Sense of Dread Lurking in all Unlit Stairwells Endorses Trump
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 08 10:46:55 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Clinton Must Appeal to Sand Ghast Demographic to Win in General Election
Tue Mar 08 01:45:39 +0000 2016
Whispering Figure Glimpsed Only in Peripheral Vision of Carefully Drugged Citizens Endorses Bernie Sanders
Tue Mar 08 01:43:43 +0000 2016
Illuminati Condemns Council of Twelve, Hermetic Order of the Seven Sacred Sands for "Collusion" in "Indianapolis Cupcake Fiasco"
Tue Mar 08 01:39:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the sun has been the most dangerous space orb since Sputnik brought communism to the stars.
— @jjm6501
Tue Mar 08 01:36:58 +0000 2016
WEIRD AND WACKY: Massachusetts Leviathan Opens Its Ten Thousand Mouths to Recite the Seven Names of the Lost
Tue Mar 08 01:30:09 +0000 2016
Romney, Clad in Tattered White Robes, Blindfold, Demands Trump Venture Into "Heart of Desolation," "Confront The Burning Truth"
Tue Mar 08 01:28:06 +0000 2016
RELATED: State Department Warns Sun May Be "Russian Spy"
Tue Mar 08 01:25:48 +0000 2016
At Campaign Event, Exasperated Clinton Tells Sun To "Go Away; Just Go Away"
Tue Mar 08 01:23:43 +0000 2016
"Levitation Is Not A Sin:" Protestors Condemn Oregon Legislators for "Religiously-Motivated Ban"
Tue Mar 08 01:20:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/hXV5Kyl8kA
— @rabcyr
Tue Mar 08 01:17:57 +0000 2016
Trump Campaign Reports Previous Hitler Clone Captured, Incinerated in Accordance With 1978 Hitler Clone Act https://t.co/gwA0kuPtcd
Tue Mar 08 01:17:41 +0000 2016
Hundreds Gather at Oregon Capitol Building for "Hover-In" to Protest Levitation Ban
Tue Mar 08 01:16:44 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 "along with the other five", explains trump, "this clone will help build the most unified government america has ever seen"
— @sigfig
Mon Mar 07 22:24:12 +0000 2016
Trump Unveils New Hitler Clone as Foreign Policy Adviser
Mon Mar 07 22:21:16 +0000 2016
Microsoft looking to shut down Bob Dylan, cancels Fable Legends
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Mar 07 22:08:32 +0000 2016
SKULL DOG VISITS THE LAND OF EQUITABLE VIOLENCE
— @MOUNTENNUI
Mon Mar 07 19:11:03 +0000 2016
"Calamity Made Flesh," "An Abomination," "No Loving God Could Suffer Such A Thing To Exist:" Voters Share Opinions on Bone Party Candidates
Sun Mar 06 19:54:28 +0000 2016
@TheBoundWatcher @ApprovedNews6 Yeah, the global blood shortage is hitting us really hard.
— @pvlstaven
Sun Mar 06 19:04:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this reminds me a lot of something you wrote https://t.co/T2pZg4FGX3
— @TeaKJackson
Sun Mar 06 19:03:53 +0000 2016
Vermont Dreadlord Theodore Blitzenreich Demands Increased Tribute From Neighboring States
Sun Mar 06 16:59:34 +0000 2016
"Behind Schedule and Over-Budget:" Republicans Slam FEMA Internment Camps As "Fiasco"
Sun Mar 06 05:52:21 +0000 2016
Donald Trump Issues Emergency Press Statement: Reporter https://t.co/p9HQNGh1AR
Sun Mar 06 05:22:30 +0000 2016
/@ApprovedNews6 Ectoplasmic Weather Service names new hail types: needle size, offal size, agonized soul size, venti https://t.co/2O46ElnzNB
— @3fingeredfox
Sun Mar 06 04:59:20 +0000 2016
Bone Party Leadership, Speaking from Damp, Seemingly Bottomless Pit, Credits "Effective Outreach" for Supporters' High Suicide Rates
Sun Mar 06 03:57:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I've done the math on that, there isn't enough blood on earth to paint the moon let alone drown the earth.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sun Mar 06 03:53:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 “Come for the blood, stay for the feces!” polls really well with his base, PPP reveals
— @rabcyr
Sun Mar 06 03:53:10 +0000 2016
Google: Top Searches Among Bone Party Voters "Escape Routes," "Hiding Places," "Easiest Way to Die"
Sun Mar 06 03:52:46 +0000 2016
Ancient Aliens: Bad News For Comedy Vines?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Mar 06 03:12:30 +0000 2016
Trump Announces "Ambitious" Plan To Drown "All The Earth" Beneath "Blood And Feces"
Sun Mar 06 02:39:28 +0000 2016
Eerie Mist Rising Off Potomac River Condemns Clinton For "Politics As Usual"
Sun Mar 06 02:11:00 +0000 2016
Lady Gaga stops first North Korean ship under UN sanctions
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Mar 06 02:09:10 +0000 2016
Oh Yes It's Legal Here in Texas
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Mar 05 07:10:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It happens. Dogs drink out of toilets. Sometimes cats.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Sat Mar 05 07:10:33 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz Announces Plan to Sink Florida
Sat Mar 05 06:01:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Why isn't Clinton respecting the National Do Not Nightmare Registry when she robo-nightmares?
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 05 05:58:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Bono applies to build huge gauche mansion atop mountain that was not there yesterday
— @3fingeredfox
Sat Mar 05 05:57:45 +0000 2016
Uh oh. Forget @LopezCantera @carlosberuff @DavidJollyFL et al. Now the game in #FLSEN is about to change. #flapol https://t.co/xzrjFYNo2q
— @TheRickWilson
Sat Mar 05 05:57:25 +0000 2016
Unions Threatened by "Infestation" of "Underpriced," "Impossibly Helpful" Four-Legged Plumbers
Sat Mar 05 01:46:04 +0000 2016
FOX: Megyn Kelly, Face Bearing New Surgical Scars & Smiling Brightly, Denies Any Memory of Moderating #GOPDebate
Fri Mar 04 20:09:13 +0000 2016
Jeb Bush Hijacks CNN To Claim #GOPDebate "Never Happened;" "In Fact, No Debate Has Ever Happened"
Fri Mar 04 20:04:38 +0000 2016
Hog law is the talk here. Roaming hogs are nothing but trouble. TX1901
— @TweetsofOld
Fri Mar 04 18:56:57 +0000 2016
"Everyone Knows The Flesh Lords Speak Only Through The Nightmares of Madmen:" Conservatives Condemn Obama's "Deceptive" Press Conference
Fri Mar 04 18:05:51 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Press Conference Atop Mountain That Was Not There Yesterday to Reassure Public Economic Policy "Endorsed by the Flesh Lords"
Fri Mar 04 18:04:46 +0000 2016
"If He's Been Sane All This Time, Who's Been Dictating Our Economic Policy?" Pundits Warn Madman's "Deception" Could "Anger the Flesh Lords"
Fri Mar 04 18:03:01 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: White House's Resident Madman Determined To Be "Completely Sane" by Multiple Psychologists
Fri Mar 04 18:02:02 +0000 2016
Clinton Appears in Nightmares of All Americans, Calls For Supporters To "Bow Down" Before "The Angels of Rust"
Fri Mar 04 18:00:29 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 it seems unapproved news sources are posting your content https://t.co/KudhIfoSQk
— @zacaj_
Fri Mar 04 17:27:35 +0000 2016
NEW YORK MAGAZINE: The Word "Salty" Killed Rome And Now It's Killing America
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Mar 04 17:12:15 +0000 2016
As Predicted, #GOPDebate Ends Abruptly As Clinton Bursts Through Floor Upon Back of Enormous Earth Devil, Cackling Madly & Twirling Flail
Fri Mar 04 05:05:06 +0000 2016
Sources: Bernie Sanders Seen Dejectedly Wandering Rural America, Giving Goats to the Poor
Fri Mar 04 04:51:49 +0000 2016
Trump Calls for Replacement of Welfare Programs With "Welfare Pogroms"
Fri Mar 04 04:50:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 impossible, trump wouldn't know a skinless man made of bugs if it stared him in the face
— @zacaj_
Fri Mar 04 04:49:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Just typical. But she still alienates the small-time warlocks, conjurers, & hedge wizards that used to be the Democrats' base
— @listelian
Fri Mar 04 04:49:00 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Moderator Megyn Kelly Slumps Forward, Bleeding From Ears; Is Carried Away by Somber Figures Clad in Animal Hides & Black Hoods
Fri Mar 04 04:47:53 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Cruz Ridicules Trump for "Incompetence" in "Basic Banishment Rituals"
Fri Mar 04 04:45:31 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Horse That Replaced Marco Rubio Becomes Suddenly Agitated, Tramples Kasich
Fri Mar 04 04:43:24 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Cruz Yawns Pointedly as Twice-Blessed, Thrice-Cursed Amulet of Forsaken Majesty Shatters, Covering Trump In Agitated Geese
Fri Mar 04 04:39:56 +0000 2016
Wielding Twice-Blessed, Thrice-Cursed Amulet, Trump Begins Ritual Banishment of Ted Cruz
Fri Mar 04 04:29:01 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Charles J. Bloodhorn Endorses Hillary Clinton
Fri Mar 04 04:27:01 +0000 2016
Trump "Has Angered Many Wizards:" Patting Horse That Replaced Rubio, Cruz Warns Trump Would Be "Disaster" for Occult-American Relations
Fri Mar 04 04:24:28 +0000 2016
"That Man Is Made of Bugs:" Trump Denounces Kasich as "Terrible Hive"
Fri Mar 04 04:17:26 +0000 2016
"I Don't Even Have A Skeleton:" Kasich Peeling Off Own Skin at #GOPDebate, Revealing Mass of Tumors, Insects
Fri Mar 04 04:15:04 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Security Removes Fiorina from #GOPDebate, Sustaining Minor Burns, Lacerations
Fri Mar 04 04:09:57 +0000 2016
"I've Had Just About Enough of You:" Visibly Enraged Carly Fiorina Arrives at GOP Debate Wielding Flaming Sword
Fri Mar 04 04:09:08 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Kasich Announces "Ambitious" Plan to Replace Flamethrower Brigades with Banana Peels Dropped from Helicopters
Fri Mar 04 04:04:20 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Pressed on Immigration, Cruz Vomits Scarabs, Begins Mumbling Spells
Fri Mar 04 04:02:27 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Ugh, how boorish. Everyone knows Akkadian is for computer encryption, not screaming obscenities.
— @AkashicWater
Fri Mar 04 04:00:31 +0000 2016
Trump Sneers as Bleeding, Horned Man in Grotesque Wooden Mask Limps from #GOPDebate Stage, Frantically Gnawing on Own Arm
Fri Mar 04 03:59:59 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewers Like You To Fund Dangerous Expeditions to Presidential Debates https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Fri Mar 04 03:57:38 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Rubio Replaced by Horse
Fri Mar 04 03:56:11 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Trump Holding Down, Beating Assailant, Screaming in Akkadian
Fri Mar 04 03:49:41 +0000 2016
Dozens of Figures Identical to President Obama Seen Sitting Silently in #GOPDebate Audience; White House Refuses to Comment
Fri Mar 04 03:45:38 +0000 2016
Trump Attacks Kasich as "Unamerican" for Femur Tariff Stance, Is Assaulted by Emaciated, Horned Man in Grotesque Wooden Mask
Fri Mar 04 03:43:32 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Between Sobs, Megyn Kelly Asks Candidates' Positions on Femur Tariffs, Begins Clawing at Own Face
Fri Mar 04 03:40:57 +0000 2016
"Once The Claw Is Mine, The Beast Itself Shall Cower Before Me:" Trump Responds to Cruz Threats
Fri Mar 04 03:38:33 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Cruz Publicly Threatens to "Rouse The Great Golden Beast," Ridicules Trump for "Obsession" with "The Claw"
Fri Mar 04 03:36:38 +0000 2016
As Haggard Technicians Remove Rubio from #GOPDebate for "Maintenance," Trump Accuses Kasich of "Appeasing Single Mothers"
Fri Mar 04 03:34:24 +0000 2016
Marco Rubio Breaks Down Mid-#GOPDebate, Sparking and Jerking as Dozens of Small Gears Roll Away Across Stage
Fri Mar 04 03:30:30 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Kasich Claims Credit for Whoopie Cushions on Audience Seats
Fri Mar 04 03:26:56 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Cruz Vibrating at White House's Exact Resonant Frequency, Visibly Flickering
Fri Mar 04 03:24:49 +0000 2016
At #GOPDebate, Trump Vows to "Imprison" Mexican Immigrants in "The Terrorcube"
Fri Mar 04 03:22:30 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Kasich Becomes Hysterical Over Own Pun
Fri Mar 04 03:19:47 +0000 2016
"I Didn't Want To Be Here," "They Put Things In My Brain:" Glassy-Eyed Megyn Kelly Welcomes Viewers to #GOPDebate
Fri Mar 04 03:18:21 +0000 2016
Earthquakes, Violent Shrieks from Darkened Sky Herald Beginning of #GOPDebate
Fri Mar 04 03:15:19 +0000 2016
EDITORIAL: Supreme Court Justice Thomas On "The Erotic Potential of Teleportation"
Thu Mar 03 22:22:23 +0000 2016
Obama, Shirtless & Clad in Animal Hides, Seen Scrawling List of "Things That Come in Twos" in Chalk on Washington Monument
Thu Mar 03 19:48:43 +0000 2016
Cleveland, OH Undertakes New "Fractal Policing" Program
Thu Mar 03 07:48:01 +0000 2016
Kerry Calls Emergency Press Conference, Labels Putin "Raisin Sympathizer," "Moon Beast"
Wed Mar 02 23:27:34 +0000 2016
Critics: Department of Sex "Corrupt," In Bed With "Big Ass"
Wed Mar 02 21:26:10 +0000 2016
Burearchaeologists Announce Discovery of Three New Federal Departments
Wed Mar 02 21:25:29 +0000 2016
Sanders, Despondently Clutching Handfuls of Pocket Lint, Mumbles Incoherently At Followers, Limps From Stage
Wed Mar 02 03:46:55 +0000 2016
SUPER TUESDAY: Clinton Declares Victory After Winning Traditional Democratic Pickpocketing Competition
Wed Mar 02 03:43:44 +0000 2016
"It Was A Bad Idea:" UK Minister of Bad Ideas Blames 3rd-Degree Burns, Massive Blunt Force Trauma on "Running With Scissors"
Wed Mar 02 03:15:33 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Found Alive, Severely Injured
Wed Mar 02 03:14:51 +0000 2016
Experts Baffled
Wed Mar 02 03:12:08 +0000 2016
Visibly Bleeding From Enormous Gut Wound, Cruz Declares America "Has Not Seen The Last Of Me," Burrows Into Ground
Wed Mar 02 03:08:39 +0000 2016
REPUBLICAN TOURNEY: Wielding Pike Carved From Single Enormous Bone, Trump Impales All Challengers From Back of Emaciated, Hairless Horse
Wed Mar 02 03:02:08 +0000 2016
“Apple silent on mysterious noises from Sunnyvale complex” https://t.co/O3zStKYSoK cc @approvednews6 h/t @zebulon_y
— @substitute
Wed Mar 02 03:00:33 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Recommend "Tear Duct Cauterization" As Depression Treatment
Wed Mar 02 01:21:09 +0000 2016
MISSING MINISTER: Experts Warn Running With Scissors May "Attract The Attention" of "Those Whose Attention Is Better Left Unattracted"
Tue Mar 01 20:44:33 +0000 2016
American Family Council: Cohabitation "Severe Fire Hazard"
Tue Mar 01 20:43:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Missing, Last Seen Running With Scissors
Tue Mar 01 19:39:31 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Announces New Program of Dropping Sharp Stones on Populated Areas from Helicopters
Tue Mar 01 16:16:17 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Though I acknowledge that the nuclear roaches are already causing delays as it is.
— @ladyjax
Tue Mar 01 16:14:36 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This is going to a) cause BART prices, which already high, to go up even more and b) cause delays. NOT A GOOD PLAN.
— @ladyjax
Tue Mar 01 16:14:34 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
UK Minister of Bad Ideas Recommends Flooding Channel Tunnel With "Diet Coke"
Tue Mar 01 09:57:33 +0000 2016
Pressed on Femur Tariffs, Rubio Replies Only "How Many Have You Killed?", Begins Sobbing
Tue Mar 01 01:33:57 +0000 2016
Trump: "I Will Melt Ten Thousand Children" Down Into "Single Glorious Amulet" of "American Virtue," "Terror"
Tue Mar 01 00:16:20 +0000 2016
Bay Area Rapid Transit Authority Confirms "Tentative Plans" to Fight Nuclear Roach Threat With Peruvian Laserfinches https://t.co/RDKPvsnaHc
Mon Feb 29 18:40:52 +0000 2016
White House Issues "Shelter In Place" Orders For Victims of "The Crawling Carrion"
Mon Feb 29 11:22:46 +0000 2016
Brandishing Blazing Scimitar, Oprah Winfrey Promises "Most Destructive Oscars Yet"
Mon Feb 29 00:50:11 +0000 2016
Team at Large Opinion Collider Reports Successful Creation of Previously Theoretical Ideologies
Sun Feb 28 23:58:40 +0000 2016
Lipreaders Asked to Transcribe Obama Response to Datamancer Strike Refuse, Flee Country
Sun Feb 28 23:53:40 +0000 2016
Pressed on Datamancer Strike, Obama Answers, Voice Replaced by Low, Staticky Hum
Sun Feb 28 23:53:15 +0000 2016
White House Datamancers Strike For Secret Brain Implant Upgrades
Sun Feb 28 23:50:03 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Cataclysmic Nuclear War Erupts in Ruins of New York City Between Nameless Corporation, "Secret Enemy"
Sun Feb 28 21:59:07 +0000 2016
Nuclear Roach Infestation in San Francisco Subways Leads to Widespread Radiation Poisoning, Minor Transit Delays
Sun Feb 28 21:56:56 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Spokesbeast Refuses to Comment of Rumors of Peruvian Laserfinch Weaponization Schemes
Sun Feb 28 21:42:31 +0000 2016
Peruvian Laserfinch Northward Migration Begins
Sun Feb 28 18:03:21 +0000 2016
Senate Passes Bill Consisting Only of Phrase "IT WILL OBEY" by Unanimous Consent
Sun Feb 28 03:33:01 +0000 2016
New "Microsoft Worm" to be Available In Stores "Exactly When And Where You Least Expect It"
Sun Feb 28 03:29:05 +0000 2016
Skeletal, Wreathed in Flames, Trump Appears at White House to Demand "The Claw"
Sun Feb 28 00:38:59 +0000 2016
Scientists Discover "The Slut Molecule"
Sat Feb 27 19:34:54 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents: "Teen Suicide" Must Be Addressed With "More Homework"
Fri Feb 26 21:07:22 +0000 2016
"The Living Shall Envy The Dead:" Trump Details Education Policy
Fri Feb 26 20:53:17 +0000 2016
Pressed on Femur Tariffs, Trump Sets Own Hand On Fire, Watches Entranced As Flames Consume His Flesh
Fri Feb 26 18:16:45 +0000 2016
Coleslaw: The Real Cause Of 9-11
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Feb 26 18:15:55 +0000 2016
Visibly Stoned Sources Inside Winthrop Family Confirm Rumors https://t.co/9kY7Gy5bf6
Fri Feb 26 17:54:47 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Grassroots" Tumblr Users Organize Beauty Pageant to Select America's Most Beautiful Woman to Satisfy Ortíz Tribute Demand
Thu Feb 25 17:45:13 +0000 2016
Obama on Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz's Demands: "America Does Not Negotiate With Mad Scientists"
Thu Feb 25 17:45:05 +0000 2016
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortíz Demands Hand of America's Most Beautiful Woman in Marriage as "Tribute"
Thu Feb 25 17:26:56 +0000 2016
Senate Passes Bill Adding Anti-Millennial Verse to Pledge of Allegiance by Unanimous Consent
Thu Feb 25 13:01:46 +0000 2016
Red alert: the missile launch has ended in tears. Incineration units will now fulfill the prophecy.
— @contingencymsgs
Thu Feb 25 12:54:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Strong response to The Unspeakable Horror That Is Just Out Of The Corner Of Your Eye In The Mirror's endorsement of Trump
— @mletterle
Thu Feb 25 07:30:55 +0000 2016
Mary Winthrop, Grandmother of South Florida's Late Former President, Collector of Rare & Venomous Snakes, Announces Own Bid for Presidency
Thu Feb 25 07:17:19 +0000 2016
Citing "Law of the Jungle," South Florida Activists Advocate Replacing Former President With Alligator That Killed Him
Thu Feb 25 07:14:52 +0000 2016
Samuel Winthrop-Perkins, Exiled Cousin of Deceased South Florida President, Demands Use of National Treasury to Pay Off Own Gambling Debts
Thu Feb 25 07:12:28 +0000 2016
"She's A Sensitive Lady:" J. Duncan Winthrop Apologizes to Press for Mother's "Hostility," Snorts Crack Off Apathetic Sex Worker's Breasts
Thu Feb 25 07:09:59 +0000 2016
James Duncan Winthrop, Brother of Late President of South Florida & Best Known for Cocaine Smuggling, "Gator Baiting," Calls for Calm
Thu Feb 25 07:05:01 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Mrs. Anne-Marie Winthrop, Former President's Mother, Attacks Reporter With Shovel
Thu Feb 25 06:52:50 +0000 2016
Analysts: Leadership of South Florida "Will Likely Devolve" to Former President's Enormous, Quarrelsome Family
Thu Feb 25 06:50:24 +0000 2016
South Florida Sources Confirm Former President T. Jared Winthrop Eaten by Alligator
Thu Feb 25 06:48:35 +0000 2016
"Good Riddance, I Say:" Winthrop's Landlord Reports President of South Florida "Drug-Addled Deadbeat" Who "Never Paid On Time"
Thu Feb 25 06:46:23 +0000 2016
Pressed to Explain Motivation for Ouster of President Winthrop, Mob's Apparent Leader Blinks Slowly, Vomits Down Reporter's Shirt
Thu Feb 25 06:44:38 +0000 2016
President T. Jared Winthrop Flees From South Florida Into Everglades As Mob of Drunken Citizens Attacks His Apartment
Thu Feb 25 06:43:32 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation: Recently-Completed Housing Units "Carefully Abused" by "Expert Dilapidators" to Ensure Residents Kept "Properly Cowed"
Thu Feb 25 06:35:35 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York City Announces Completion of First "Prole Slum"
Thu Feb 25 06:33:27 +0000 2016
White House Warns "All of Oregon, Washington" Under "Uncontested Control" of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword https://t.co/8nnaGWGCU7
Thu Feb 25 06:31:28 +0000 2016
Illuminati Announces "Exciting" New Brain Control Program Targeting "Fishmongers," "Beekeepers"
Thu Feb 25 06:29:20 +0000 2016
Kerry, Holding Oil Lantern in Darkened Press Room & Blinking Sleepily, Issues Statement Calling Putin "Friend to Roaches," "Made of Bees"
Thu Feb 25 06:24:45 +0000 2016
Speaking From Headquarters of Ukrainian Rebellion, Putin Issues Statement Labeling John Kerry "Poorly Dressed," "Full of Ash & Spiders"
Thu Feb 25 06:21:10 +0000 2016
Vasilyeva: Captured Putin Loyalists To Be "Carefully Vivisected"
Thu Feb 25 06:19:21 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Kremlin Reports "Attempted Kidnapping" of God-Empress Anastasia Vasilyeva's Wife by Putin Loyalists
Thu Feb 25 06:11:55 +0000 2016
Fairy Queen Issues Statement Objecting to "Unlawful Detainment:" "You Can't Arrest Me," "I Don't Even Exist"
Thu Feb 25 06:09:09 +0000 2016
Minister of Wrath Sister Vindicta: Fairy Queen To Be Held in "Chains of Coldest Iron" "'Til She At Last Repents Her Profligacy"
Thu Feb 25 06:08:00 +0000 2016
RELATED: Citing Recent Conquests, Blood-Soaked Maidens Announce Protectorate of Eastern Oregon To Be Renamed "Sanguine Pacific Protectorate"
Thu Feb 25 06:03:02 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, Theocratic Militia Controlling Pacific Northwest, Arrests Fairy Queen
Thu Feb 25 05:55:04 +0000 2016
Questioned on Fairy Menace, Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Vows to Defend Portland Against Threats "Both Real And Unreal"
Thu Feb 25 05:50:50 +0000 2016
Pressed on Presidential Race, Obama Begins Hovering Serenely in Midair, Throwing Pebbles at Moon
Thu Feb 25 05:47:22 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 By definition there's no better authority on fairies - why do people keep questioning her assuredly delusionary magnificence?
— @tom_forsyth
Thu Feb 25 05:42:14 +0000 2016
Herd of Wild Activists Captured in Virginia
Thu Feb 25 05:36:33 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Fairy Threat, Portland Officials Assure Public Fairies "Do Not Exist," Citing Fairy Queen's Public Pronouncements
Thu Feb 25 05:33:55 +0000 2016
Convoy of Cavorting Fairies Hauling Carts of Bound, Bloodied, & Squirming Human Prisoners Sighted Outside Portland, OR
Thu Feb 25 05:33:06 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Ironic Slavery in Ashen Isles, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Places Single Withered Rose Between Reporter's Lips
Thu Feb 25 05:28:41 +0000 2016
humanity has visualized the skies
— @wikipediafinds
Thu Feb 25 05:27:35 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This is a "travesty".
— @CuriousSeaLion
Thu Feb 25 05:19:49 +0000 2016
Regent Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles: Horrific Abuses of Innocent Laborers Will "Highlight the Inherent Absurdity" of Racialized Slavery
Thu Feb 25 05:18:31 +0000 2016
"Poignant Social Commentary:" Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament Legalize Ironic Slavery
Thu Feb 25 05:16:51 +0000 2016
Eerie Mist Rising off Potomac River Endorses Sanders
Wed Feb 24 21:56:56 +0000 2016
Florida Man Arrested For "Americrime"
Wed Feb 24 21:54:38 +0000 2016
Securities & Exchange Commission to Perform Live on Martha's Vineyard
Wed Feb 24 19:20:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 this is kinda par for the course in the central valley tbh. Not a very happening place.
— @atonal440
Wed Feb 24 18:58:56 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Mysterious Troops in Modesto Suddenly Seize Eerily Calm Goose, Climb Impossibly Long Ladder Into Sky
Wed Feb 24 18:48:32 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Mysterious Troops in Modesto Seen Encircling Visibly Bemused Goose, Peering Through Comically Oversized Magnifying Glasses
Wed Feb 24 18:46:42 +0000 2016
Mayor of Modesto, Shirtless & Holding Aloft Enormous Bronze Warhammer, Vows to Drive Out "All Interlopers" From "Our Beloved City"
Wed Feb 24 18:36:12 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Riot Gear-Clad Troops In Modesto Urge Reporters to "Keep A Watchful Eye" for "Suspicious Waterfowl"
Wed Feb 24 18:33:47 +0000 2016
Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo Warns Troops in Modesto "Likely Illuminati"
Wed Feb 24 18:06:11 +0000 2016
The vuvuzelas alone are more terrifying than anything. https://t.co/PwuIrq12Xd
— @Iron_Fox
Wed Feb 24 17:59:23 +0000 2016
Troops in Unmarked Riot Gear Carrying Flamethrowers, Vuvuzelas Witnessed "Urgently Questioning" Citizens in Modesto, CA
Wed Feb 24 17:46:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/SoqLsgzPzp
— @_ardeej
Wed Feb 24 08:43:16 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Girl Scouts Spymaster Taunts Reporters With List of Their Most Embarassing Moments
Wed Feb 24 06:21:57 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Girl Scouts Spymaster Taunts Reporters With List of Their Most Embarassing Moments
Wed Feb 24 06:21:57 +0000 2016
RELATED: Girl Scouts Commit Key Orbital Weapons Platforms to Cause of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Wed Feb 24 06:17:56 +0000 2016
CJBI Spokesman: Acquisition of Boy Scouts Will Provide "Vital Intelligence," "Legions of Child Soldiers" For CJBI Charitable Conquests
Wed Feb 24 06:14:59 +0000 2016
Boy Scouts of America Becomes Subsidiary of Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Wed Feb 24 06:14:07 +0000 2016
Could Social Security Have Caused The Skeleton War?
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Feb 24 05:12:46 +0000 2016
Sources say he'll need a Staff of Withering Deeds to cull them from the Shadow Realm. More info at 11. https://t.co/7bTR4y7g2j
— @CapnSweet
Wed Feb 24 04:58:43 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Without The Shrieking Shadow Thing Vote, Trump Cannot Win The General Election
Wed Feb 24 01:36:47 +0000 2016
Kansas Legislature Votes to Name Croquet Official State Language
Wed Feb 24 01:33:15 +0000 2016
UPDATE: Hyena blood, scimitars found in Zenefits stairwell. QA department vanished. iPhones constantly playing throat singing.
— @substitute
Tue Feb 23 23:52:26 +0000 2016
"A Wacky Misunderstanding:" White House Reports Group of Blood-Soaked Children on Lawn A "Scheduled Field Trip" From Local Elementary School
Tue Feb 23 22:43:47 +0000 2016
White House Staffers Gathering on Lawn With Aged Silver Chalices, Tattered Shawls To Perform "Rites of Appeasement"
Tue Feb 23 22:41:07 +0000 2016
Experts Warn Chanting Children in DC "Must Be Stopped" Before Their Chants Become "Proto-Afro-Asiatic," Lest "A Dread Happening Befall"
Tue Feb 23 22:40:22 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Blood-Soaked Children Outside White House Currently Chanting in Mixture of Akkadian, Proto-Semitic
Tue Feb 23 22:39:06 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Chanting of Blood-Soaked Children Outside White House "Slowly Devolving" into Older & Older Forms of Afro-Asiatic Languages
Tue Feb 23 22:37:57 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Children in Tattered Robes Gather Outside White House, Chanting "No God But The Machine" in Classical Arabic
Tue Feb 23 19:09:59 +0000 2016
https://t.co/QqB8uiY6ga
— @elementstrunk
Tue Feb 23 05:50:03 +0000 2016
Cc: @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/yKOe9K2Aoa
— @rhcm123
Tue Feb 23 05:26:42 +0000 2016
Google Executives Gather to Make Votive Offerings to "The Algorithm"
Tue Feb 23 03:52:00 +0000 2016
USDA Releases Annual Ranking of Ethnicities by Average Nutritional Value
Tue Feb 23 03:48:29 +0000 2016
Clinton Demands Supporters' Firstborn
Tue Feb 23 03:03:13 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/gwIyvHIKsF
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 22 22:44:10 +0000 2016
GIVE HAMSTERS NECKS 2016
— @berniethoughts
Mon Feb 22 21:32:33 +0000 2016
Crime Scientists Warn America "Critically Low" on Raw Felonium Ore
Mon Feb 22 21:29:41 +0000 2016
MIT Department of Applied Theology Refuses to Comment https://t.co/5EbzLoKepf
Mon Feb 22 21:12:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Vp0le6DkBp
— @rabcyr
Mon Feb 22 21:12:26 +0000 2016
Is Social Erosion Why Gen Y-ers Keep Kickstarting
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Feb 22 21:12:06 +0000 2016
"We've Been Trapped Here For Weeks:" Portland, OR's TriMet Faces Criticism For Removing All Of Bus Line's Stops While Buses Still In Service
Mon Feb 22 02:13:48 +0000 2016
A Prussian innkeeper invents a new type of giant squid based on the movement of clocks.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sun Feb 21 19:51:23 +0000 2016
Professor of Papal Engineering Announces World's First Holiness Reactor
Sun Feb 21 17:52:32 +0000 2016
Are Youths Getting High On Regulation?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Feb 21 17:29:09 +0000 2016
‘Black Sludge’ Pours Out Of Tx Town’s Faucets Days After FBI Arrests Every City Official https://t.co/FCH2h7Jnn6 https://t.co/F78tIXl1bB
— @rjoseph7777
Sun Feb 21 03:08:01 +0000 2016
Russia, US Reach Agreement To Dismantle Stockpiles of Cursed Jewels
Sun Feb 21 03:07:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rVlOhKF30K
— @khymchanur
Sun Feb 21 01:36:51 +0000 2016
Spice Girls™ endorsed waterfalls with shame free blood offerings
— @lady_products
Sun Feb 21 00:36:28 +0000 2016
Coven of Sand Witches Purchases Subway Corporation
Sat Feb 20 22:03:51 +0000 2016
Trump Lauds Intergalactic Genocide Project As "Edgy"
Sat Feb 20 00:26:57 +0000 2016
Kinkshaming: The Real Issue Facing Dinosaurs
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Feb 19 20:12:55 +0000 2016
United States Maritime Administration To Begin Regular Dumping of Pharmaceuticals in Ocean To Counteract "Homeopathic Pollution"
Fri Feb 19 19:14:17 +0000 2016
Whispering Figures In Animal Hides Reported Blocking All Major Interstate Highways, Carrying "Boxes of Dust" to Unknown Destinations
Fri Feb 19 18:16:42 +0000 2016
QUIZ: Are You Productive Enough to Justify Your Existence? Find Out Now, And Learn Which Method of Suicide Will Best Preserve Your Honor
Fri Feb 19 16:12:33 +0000 2016
"They're Coming Here, Stealing Our Children, Taking Our Jobs:" Cruz Condemns "The Flat Men"
Fri Feb 19 12:59:12 +0000 2016
@thinkpiecebot @ApprovedNews6 It's called optimism. A black hole could potentially annihilate reality as we know it.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Fri Feb 19 06:07:45 +0000 2016
FDA Warns New Breed of Dachsund May Cause "Memory Loss" in "The Weak-Minded"
Fri Feb 19 06:02:25 +0000 2016
White House Announces Plans To Aggressively Expand "Project Grinning Lizard"
Fri Feb 19 05:56:30 +0000 2016
NY TIMES MAGAZINE: Why Are Millennials So Obsessed With The Large Hadron Collider?
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Feb 19 05:52:48 +0000 2016
Rubio: Americans Must Be Made "Plump And Juicy" By "No Later Than July 7, 2021"
Thu Feb 18 07:06:48 +0000 2016
Trump: Bernie Sanders Sending "Flying Dogs" to "Pee On My Supporters"
Thu Feb 18 04:45:54 +0000 2016
The Internet of Bees Unveiled in Singapore
— @hail_ants_bot
Wed Feb 17 10:49:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 @hdevalence @asmallteapot It's about time a new flavor of tea came out.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Wed Feb 17 00:36:49 +0000 2016
NEWS IN PICTURES: Seven Deadly Cognitohazards You Won't Believe Will Cause You Massive Cranial Hemorrhaging On Sight
Wed Feb 17 00:28:03 +0000 2016
Trump Announces Education Plan https://t.co/WNW5rGttb1
Tue Feb 16 23:05:10 +0000 2016
St Claudine Michaelides of Sevenfold Church of Congregating Shadows, Heresiarch Xandronaxes of the Hidden Valley Arrested in Bar Brawl
Tue Feb 16 13:18:05 +0000 2016
Democratic Debate: Bernie Sanders Says He Won't Hurt You
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Feb 16 00:10:57 +0000 2016
At Campaign Rally, Ted Cruz Unveils Tattered Banner Depicting All US Members of Congress, Faces Cut Out With Jagged Knife
Mon Feb 15 21:46:50 +0000 2016
@sigfig @ApprovedNews6 “The locals will welcome us” might actually be true for once
— @atonal440
Mon Feb 15 20:12:49 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 drone deployments will be difficult but we already have troops on the ground
— @sigfig
Mon Feb 15 20:12:47 +0000 2016
Obama Mulls Invasion of Hell
Mon Feb 15 20:05:38 +0000 2016
"The Words Are How They Get In:" Manically Laughing Senate Staffer Cuts Out Own Tongue Live on CNN
Mon Feb 15 19:41:18 +0000 2016
WITNESSES: https://t.co/dD6sRHTMFh
Mon Feb 15 05:35:37 +0000 2016
New "Mandatory Minimum" Laws Would Make Ultracrime Punishable in "Slow, Methodical Fashion"
Mon Feb 15 05:32:45 +0000 2016
Baltimore Man Announces First Successful Crossbreeding of Dachsund, Fire Elemental
Mon Feb 15 05:23:06 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Sources Report Modern Discipline Solutions "Recently Acquired" by Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York
Mon Feb 15 05:04:57 +0000 2016
Cincinnati-Based Modern Discipline Solutions Announces New Shock Collars To Support Bluetooth, Twitter Notifications
Mon Feb 15 05:04:06 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Mounain-Sized Goat With Billions of Heads "Gently Sedated" by Animal Control, Taken to Portland City Zoo
Sun Feb 14 23:58:45 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Mountain-Sized Goat With 9 Billion Heads Each Reciting One of The 9 Billion Names of God Sighted Near Portland, OR
Sun Feb 14 23:57:52 +0000 2016
"They Are Mine Now:" Charles J. Bloodhorn Announces Valentines "Will No Longer Threaten" CJBI Charities
Sun Feb 14 18:28:39 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Valentines Assailing USS Bloodhorn "Falling Victim" to "Contamination"
Sun Feb 14 18:27:25 +0000 2016
"I Slew Him Once And I Shall Slay Him Again:" Dr. Henrietta Kowalski Promises To Destroy Notorious Philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn
Sun Feb 14 18:26:36 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Crypto
REDACTED
logist Dr. Henrietta Kowalski, In Hiding Since Return of Charles J. Bloodhorn, Claims Credit For Valentine Attack
Sun Feb 14 18:26:16 +0000 2016
Navy: Enormous Captured Sea Beasts "Standard Equipment" Aboard American Nuclear Aircraft Carriers
Sun Feb 14 18:21:34 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn Calls For "Calm," Releases Enormous Sea Beast to Repel Assault by Valentines
Sun Feb 14 18:20:40 +0000 2016
"We Didn't Know They Could Swim:" Valentine Scientists Report Attack on Stolen Aircraft Carrier in International Waters "Unprecedented"
Sun Feb 14 18:17:18 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Frenzied Herd of Valentines Assails Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities' Headquarters
Sun Feb 14 18:16:10 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Celebrates One-Year Anniversary of Founder's Resurrection
Sun Feb 14 18:09:55 +0000 2016
VALENTINE'S DAY: NSA Warns "Vengeful Spectres" May "Infiltrate Your Dreams" In Search of "American Nuclear Secrets"
Sun Feb 14 18:08:38 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 When Asked For Comment, A Man Entering The Clinic Shrugged: "It's still better than what the republicans are offering"
— @zacaj_
Sun Feb 14 17:46:37 +0000 2016
Medacarnage for all! @ApprovedNews6
— @Pope_Norm
Sun Feb 14 17:46:28 +0000 2016
Illuminati To Offer Free Health Insurance to Low-Income Americans Willing To Undergo Routine, Invasive Human Experimentation
Sun Feb 14 17:44:08 +0000 2016
ROBED FIGURES WORSHIP FORBIDDEN INTEGERS AND PRAY TO SCULPTURES OF SECRET PLATONIC SOLIDS
— @timescanner
Sun Feb 14 07:25:01 +0000 2016
Newslords Refuse To Comment, Citing "Journalistic Ethics" https://t.co/kTQE7248jh
Sun Feb 14 07:23:01 +0000 2016
"Let Us Dance Naked By The Light Of The Burning Corpses:" Clinton Details Foreign Policy
Sun Feb 14 06:05:52 +0000 2016
Planned #GOPDebate Fails to Materialize, As All Candidates Currently In Hiding
Sun Feb 14 03:10:56 +0000 2016
How "BB-8" Won't Change the Discourse
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Feb 14 02:19:30 +0000 2016
Google Kills Desktop-Centric Picasa In Favor Of Bernie Sanders
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Feb 14 02:19:02 +0000 2016
Pressed on Scalia Replacement, Obama Promises to "Search Far & Wide" For "The One Spoken of in Prophecy"
Sat Feb 13 22:48:29 +0000 2016
Obama Announces White House "Candlelight Vigil" to Commemorate Scalia's "Honorable Legacy" of Mindless, Seething Hatred
Sat Feb 13 22:47:34 +0000 2016
Dread Secretary Dismisses Conservative "Conspiracy Theories," Noting Radioactive Bears "Immune to Any Form of Mind Control"
Sat Feb 13 22:41:17 +0000 2016
Conservative Pundits Accuse Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals of "Assassinating" Scalia With "Mind-Controlled Bears"
Sat Feb 13 22:40:11 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Catastrophic Lawquake Destroys Foundation of International Law
Sat Feb 13 22:37:26 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Republican Allegations, Fairy Queen Issues Statement Firmly Denying Existence of Fairies
Sat Feb 13 22:31:49 +0000 2016
New Republican Attack Ad Labels Bernie Sanders As "Half-Fairy"
Sat Feb 13 22:30:31 +0000 2016
Wildlife Experts: Radioactive Bears Likely Devoured Supreme Court Justice Scalia to "Absorb His Power"
Sat Feb 13 22:26:12 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Justice Antonin Scalia, Best Known for Creation of Supreme Court Dog Fighting Ring, Eaten By Radioactive Bears
Sat Feb 13 22:22:59 +0000 2016
Impossible Man Stalking Donald Trump to Release "Tell-it-All" Book Detailing "Fascinating Insects" Found Beneath GOP Candidate's Carpets
Sat Feb 13 17:35:58 +0000 2016
Sources: "Clever Man in Tweed Suit & Bowler Hat" vu parlant "à voix basse d'urgence" avec le Président de la France https://t.co/cReT6XgEHs
Sat Feb 13 17:32:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 About time. /Yes/, I know the third forbidden rune is an important piece of our history, but it has enough exposure as it is.
— @AkashicWater
Sat Feb 13 06:51:54 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/XGoun3ydsS
— @rabcyr
Sat Feb 13 06:51:35 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Help Us, Help Us, Before It Is Too Late, Oh God, Someone, Anyone, Please https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Feb 12 23:02:24 +0000 2016
Uproar Among Traditionalists As U.S. Treasury Announces New Currency Will No Longer Bear Third Forbidden Rune
Fri Feb 12 23:00:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Opinion's parents release tearful video begging for safe return
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Fri Feb 12 22:59:07 +0000 2016
Pundits Accuse American Tree-Punching League of "Politicizing Tragedy"
Fri Feb 12 22:58:58 +0000 2016
American Tree-Punching League Calls on Citizens of Texas to "Rise Up," "Arm Selves" Against "The Arboreal Menace"
Fri Feb 12 22:58:38 +0000 2016
TERROR IN TUCSON: Hundreds "Brutally Pruned" in Deadly Arborist Attack
Fri Feb 12 22:57:57 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Fri Feb 12 22:55:50 +0000 2016
RELATED: North Florida Legislature Passes Controversial Bill Naming Armed Robbery Official State Crime
Fri Feb 12 22:54:56 +0000 2016
Pressed on Secessions, South Florida President Vows to Beat North, South South, & South South South Floridians To Death With Alligator
Fri Feb 12 22:53:46 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
South South South South Florida Secedes From South South South Florida to Rejoin North Florida, Union
Fri Feb 12 22:52:37 +0000 2016
South South South Florida Secedes from South South Florida to Rejoin South Florida
Fri Feb 12 22:51:46 +0000 2016
After Brutal Conflict, Invading Force of Peruvian Bloodmonkeys Repelled from Mainland
Fri Feb 12 22:49:19 +0000 2016
"A Victory For Justice:" Florida Man Who Sued Self for False Arrest Awarded $1 Million in Punitive Damages
Fri Feb 12 22:47:59 +0000 2016
Americans For A Dread Tomorrow Provides Spider Council $10 Million Grant to Build "More Spider Cannons"
Fri Feb 12 22:08:00 +0000 2016
Activists: Nearly "1 in 3" Children Will Face "The Machine"
Fri Feb 12 20:51:40 +0000 2016
"Joseph Gobbles:" Study Shows Turkeys Can Be Trained To Commit War Crimes
Fri Feb 12 20:45:13 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/2h7qcO9RWp
Fri Feb 12 20:08:24 +0000 2016
by the Obama administration. Remember, America: We can accomplish anything if we all just work together.
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Feb 12 20:04:37 +0000 2016
weak-minded enough to be susceptible to brain control surgery. We call upon all Americans to rise up in protest of this atrocious power-grab
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Feb 12 20:04:35 +0000 2016
place the fault for this failure on the Senate's strict anti-Contamination measures, which tend to allow only the election of those
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Feb 12 20:04:32 +0000 2016
last efforts to prevent the Obama administration from reestablishing the Department of Obedience have collapsed in the Senate. We can only
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Feb 12 20:04:29 +0000 2016
Here at Approved News 5, a wholly-[REDACTED] subsidiary of Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities, we are deeply saddened that the
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Feb 12 20:04:26 +0000 2016
control signals, straight to your radios, news feeds, and secret brain implants. Let's get to work, America.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Feb 12 20:00:34 +0000 2016
is now back under the aegis of the Department of Obedience. We look forward to bringing you encouraging, patriotic messages and subliminal
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Feb 12 20:00:30 +0000 2016
With the confirmation of Secretary Marissa DeLorenzo as Secretary of Obedience, we here at Approved News 7 are happy to announce that AN7
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Feb 12 20:00:26 +0000 2016
"I Think Her Skill Speaks For Itself:" Obama Congratulates Senate on DeLorenzo Confirmation
Fri Feb 12 19:48:18 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Highly Visible Surgical Scars on Back of Heads, GOP Senators Voting to Confirm Dr. DeLorenzo Begin Weeping
Fri Feb 12 19:46:41 +0000 2016
"All Hail Secretary DeLorenzo:" Pressed on Sudden Support for Embattled Secretary, GOP Senators Respond in Monotonous Drone
Fri Feb 12 19:45:08 +0000 2016
After "Combative" Hearing, Brain Control Surgeon Dr. Marissa DeLorenzo Confirmed as Secretary of Obedience by Unanimous Vote
Fri Feb 12 19:42:42 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report All Fountains in Washington, D.C. "Spewing Forth" Mysterious Green Substance Smelling of Ripe Apples & Distant Sadness
Fri Feb 12 17:28:24 +0000 2016
OPINION:
It's Time To Legalize Vehicular Manslaughter
Fri Feb 12 17:03:49 +0000 2016
Why am I not surprised. "I need this army of the living dead to protect my family" my ass. https://t.co/YgHx1chB0g
— @sheehanmilesk
Fri Feb 12 12:36:12 +0000 2016
West: "Bilateral Commission" of Necromancers, Enormous Forest Creatures to Convene "Within A Month" to Discuss Future of American Necromancy
Fri Feb 12 07:20:09 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Old Forest, Activists Led by Paula West Reach "Interim Agreement" on Deregulation of Necromancy
Fri Feb 12 07:16:28 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The UK watches this unfold with one question in mind; has there been any word from the Tricky Witches? Back to the studio.
— @tashawhittaker
Fri Feb 12 07:14:54 +0000 2016
BREAKING: EXTREMISTS SEIZE CONTROL OF WELTSCHMERZ STATE REPTILE PRESERVE IN MISSION PENDEJO, CA
— @substitute
Fri Feb 12 07:11:17 +0000 2016
Texas State Police: Zeitgeist Released on Bail
Fri Feb 12 07:05:18 +0000 2016
Illuminati Black Helicopters Arrive in SF to Seize Feather Left Behind by Superb Owl
Fri Feb 12 03:01:42 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Superb Owl Departs San Francisco, Leaving Behind Single Massive Feather
Fri Feb 12 02:58:31 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Employees Wrestle Approved News 6 Reporter to Ground, Begin "Invasive Brain Modifications"
Fri Feb 12 02:50:53 +0000 2016
Witnesses: "No Sign" of CJBI Activity Near Site of Forbidden Democratic Debate https://t.co/oAkXNIbdJj
Fri Feb 12 02:49:05 +0000 2016
Attempts to View #DemDebate Through Scrying Yield Only Images of Churning Gears, Sounds of Distant Clattering
Fri Feb 12 02:47:42 +0000 2016
Mighty Thunderclap Heralds Arrival of Democratic Arch-Moderator, Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange at #DemDebate
Fri Feb 12 02:45:22 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation's Officials: Captured CNN Reporter to be "Efficiently Recycled"
Fri Feb 12 02:44:34 +0000 2016
CNN Reporter Captured by Nameless Corporation's Security Attempting to Sneak Into #DemDebate
Fri Feb 12 02:42:48 +0000 2016
"An Innovative Approach to Democracy:" #DemDebate to Be First Completely Secret Presidential Debate
Fri Feb 12 02:37:47 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Somber Office Workers Filing Into #DemDebate Venue Lugging Debate Supplies, Materials, Some Still Screaming
Fri Feb 12 02:35:08 +0000 2016
Join Us on Approved News 6 To Watch Live Feed of Exterior of Towering Gray Building Where #DemDebate Taking Place
Fri Feb 12 02:32:57 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation to Host #DemDebate in Ruins of New York City, Forbid All Reporting, Broadcasting
Fri Feb 12 02:30:18 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Recommend "Productivity Enhancement Chemicals" for "The Lazy & Despondent"
Fri Feb 12 01:37:42 +0000 2016
Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Condemns March on Old Forest thru Hundreds of Dead Birds Dropped from Sky
Fri Feb 12 01:29:39 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
"Towering, Emaciated Figure" Covered in Vines & Tattered Hides Crosses Bridge of Eternal Sorrow to Negotiate with Activists
Fri Feb 12 01:25:49 +0000 2016
Paula West, Leader of March on Old Forest, Stages Symbolic Necromantic Rite to "Resurrect Our Jobs" Near River of All Regrets
Fri Feb 12 01:24:16 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Necromancers March on Old Forest in Protest of "Job-Killing" Regulations
Fri Feb 12 01:21:34 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson Responds to Obama's Condemnation by Launching "Daring Raid" on Federal Airships
Fri Feb 12 01:20:42 +0000 2016
"Where Was His Robot Army When It Mattered?" Obama Condemns Reclusive Astrophysicist, Sky Pirate Neil deGrasse Tyson For "Indifference"
Fri Feb 12 01:18:42 +0000 2016
Illuminati To Begin Censoring
REDACTED
, [REDACTED], & [REDACTED]
Thu Feb 11 18:20:31 +0000 2016
Whistleblower: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council "Recruiting" Sufferers of Early-Onset Telekinesis for "Secret Purposes"
Thu Feb 11 18:16:51 +0000 2016
Resplendent in Spun-Gold Labcoat, Reclusive Astrophysicist, Sky Pirate Neil deGrasse Tyson Announces Discovery of "Gravitational
REDACTED
"
Thu Feb 11 18:11:26 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Inscribes Inscrutable Symbols into Decaying Oak Tree, Vanishes Into Mist
Thu Feb 11 06:49:40 +0000 2016
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Joins Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities to Call For "International Day" of "Silent Contemplation"
Thu Feb 11 06:47:55 +0000 2016
"Once When You Were Young, You Went To The Ocean; Now, Years Later, There is Still Sand in Your Hair:" Obama Issues Statement on Tort Reform
Thu Feb 11 06:45:33 +0000 2016
"It's About $27 Each:" After Years of Research, Economists Discover Exact Dollar Value of Human Life
Thu Feb 11 06:37:35 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Announces Project To Develop First "Completely Biodegradable" Humans
Wed Feb 10 22:11:32 +0000 2016
Doctors: Returned Reporters' Egos "In Critical Condition"
Wed Feb 10 19:01:30 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/E63fdsvmq3
Wed Feb 10 18:56:24 +0000 2016
4 Reporters Presumed Dead Returned to Approved News 6 Dread Fortress in "Elaborate Packaging," With Phrase "Defective" Written on Foreheads
Wed Feb 10 18:55:59 +0000 2016
Assange cut by Giants after 2 injury-filled years, per sources
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Feb 10 18:09:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 NYC Ritual to Summon ＲＥＤＡＣＴＥＤ Accidentally Noticed By Laypeople, Denies Cult of ＲＥＤＡＣＴＥＤ Spokesperson https://t.co/1St3X2CL21
— @gilmourtaylor
Wed Feb 10 16:52:37 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Obama Orders Reporters "Bound in Sturdy Chains," "Marched Away" Into "The Heart of Desolation"
Wed Feb 10 16:33:55 +0000 2016
Shadowy, Gaffe-Prone Presence Seen Flickering Into, Out of Reality Beside Obama, As Though Clawing Desperately For A Perch Upon This World
Wed Feb 10 16:28:43 +0000 2016
Dipshit Writes Law Barring Gays From Playing in the Dust Storms
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Feb 10 03:10:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I was never in favor of arboreal suffrage
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Feb 09 23:04:06 +0000 2016
Analysts: Sanders Has Secured "The Tree Vote" in Democratic Primary
Tue Feb 09 17:36:08 +0000 2016
Hecklers in New Hampshire try to cleanse Ted Cruz’s ‘demonic soul’ with exorcism https://t.co/9JdBxd5Ibr https://t.co/oo16Q1qY3c
— @BostonDotCom
Tue Feb 09 16:34:41 +0000 2016
Google "Scrambling" to Restore Services in Wake of "Catastrophic Cyberquake"
Tue Feb 09 09:08:41 +0000 2016
"It Has Proven Metaphysically Impossible:" Prosecutor Explains Decision Not to Charge Band for Illegal Concert in Hell
Tue Feb 09 09:05:23 +0000 2016
Prosecutor: Metapunk Band "The Sex Maggots" Will Not Face Charges for Live Concert in Hell in Violation of U.S. Embargo
Tue Feb 09 09:03:47 +0000 2016
Seven Howling Spectres Descend on D.C. to "Raise Awareness" for Breast Cancer
Tue Feb 09 08:58:17 +0000 2016
Experts: "███" https://t.co/yMkG8uNyzX
Tue Feb 09 08:36:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well, someone has to mind the hives.
— @pvlstaven
Tue Feb 09 05:32:17 +0000 2016
Was the Bowl of Dicks jury tainted by a secret Masonic blood oath?: You be the judge. Here’s Andrea Coit, the ... https://t.co/oi2ysIj6C9
— @uomatters
Tue Feb 09 04:56:02 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Without "Viewer Contributions," Approved News 6 May Face "The Men With Whips & Chainsaws" https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Tue Feb 09 03:53:25 +0000 2016
Obama on Femur Tariffs: "How Many Have You Killed?"
Tue Feb 09 03:50:09 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Mexican Activists Fundraising For Creation of "Hive Mind" in Guadalajara
Tue Feb 09 03:05:17 +0000 2016
Florida Man Reports "Job Offers" From Illuminati, Epsilon Initiative https://t.co/u53X7rRObS
Tue Feb 09 03:03:07 +0000 2016
At least it's not the Superb Owl. @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/MTon49JSm3
— @pvlstaven
Tue Feb 09 02:58:30 +0000 2016
Florid Man Charged With Assault With a Deadly Weapon After Throwing Alligator Through Wendy’s Drive-Thru Window https://t.co/tEPBfzF8gf
— @_FloridaMan
Mon Feb 08 23:57:18 +0000 2016
Savvy capitalists maximize profit by staying open beyond a day's regular 24 hours https://t.co/Ek3vOVQpld
— @TheDoorTHEDOOR
Mon Feb 08 23:03:59 +0000 2016
Clinton Campaign Refuses to Comment on "The List" https://t.co/TtltGIuKcW
Mon Feb 08 22:59:46 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn Issues Press Release Condemning Superb Owl For Interfering With "Legitimate Charitable Activities," "Conscription"
Mon Feb 08 02:02:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
All Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Employees Within 30 Leagues of Superb Owl Crumble to Ash
Mon Feb 08 02:00:23 +0000 2016
Satisfied With Offerings, Superb Owl Blesses San Francisco With "Deep, Earth-Shaking Hoot," Purging All Contamination Within Thirty Leagues
Mon Feb 08 01:59:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Lady Gaga's jeweled eyelids open downward to reveal true eyes, incinerating thousands in futile attempt to defeat Superb Owl.
— @The_Aldurinian
Mon Feb 08 00:08:13 +0000 2016
Cruz Promises To "Tear Down The Veil of Stars," "Reveal Every Grisly Truth"
Sun Feb 07 22:26:34 +0000 2016
Sources: Superb Owl Must Be Fed "Steady Diet" of Precious Metals, Human Entrails "To Retain Its Mighty Blessing"
Sun Feb 07 19:55:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Calls to Evict Superb Owl Increase as its Massive Hoard of Gold Further Inflates San Francisco's Rent https://t.co/T5YH0h9si0
— @ThePatanoiac
Sun Feb 07 19:53:33 +0000 2016
Witnesses: Superb Owl Perching "Majestically, Regally" Atop Transamerica Pyramid, Casting Its Enormous Shadow Upon San Francisco
Sun Feb 07 19:46:40 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/CmV7MWRgS7
— @rabcyr
Sun Feb 07 19:45:01 +0000 2016
Mighty Tremor Shakes San Francisco As Superb Owl At Last Arrives, Alighting Upon City's Tallest Building
Sun Feb 07 19:44:56 +0000 2016
Twitter Bows to Pressure, Releases Details on New Timeline Algorithm https://t.co/vyKUvai0q2
Sun Feb 07 19:43:47 +0000 2016
Rubio: Trump "Vile Homunculus"
Sun Feb 07 18:50:55 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Sponsors Bill to Ban Civilian Ownership of Degaussers, EMP Technology
Sun Feb 07 09:34:06 +0000 2016
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Sponsors Bill to Ban Civilian Ownership of Degaussers, EMP Technology
Sun Feb 07 09:34:06 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 On-site Reporter: https://t.co/G71tyUpVPy
— @_ardeej
Sun Feb 07 09:31:23 +0000 2016
As Arizona Cyberprison Nears Completion, Humanitarian Activists Condemn General Electric for Use of Inhumane Compression Algorithms
Sun Feb 07 09:29:37 +0000 2016
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Call For Calm in Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament: "All Will Be Revealed in Due Time"
Sun Feb 07 09:28:16 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Widespread Rioting Shakes Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament as Regent Tormund Torquist Accused of Murdering Empress Vivian
Sun Feb 07 09:27:26 +0000 2016
"Did They Learn Nothing From THE INCIDENT?" GOP Slams Supreme Court For "Irresponsible" Ruling on 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Sun Feb 07 09:22:47 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Justice Clarence Thomas Issues, Immediately Burns Dissenting Opinion
Sun Feb 07 09:20:16 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Supreme Court Rules Plaintiff "Does Not Have Standing" to Challenge to 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Sun Feb 07 09:18:29 +0000 2016
Obama Helps Democrats Win By Gutting Marco Rubio At ABC Republican Debate
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Feb 07 06:11:52 +0000 2016
NORAD: Santa Won’t Recognize Transgender Students Unless They’re Castrated
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Feb 07 04:14:57 +0000 2016
Obama Accuses GOP of Bad Faith in DeLorenzo Confirmation Hearing: Nominee "Uncontroversial;" "All Evidence of Her Crimes Has Been Destroyed"
Sat Feb 06 23:31:29 +0000 2016
@hail_ants_bot @ApprovedNews6 I knew they were developing this https://t.co/uqbICmZpVF
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Feb 06 23:28:13 +0000 2016
Gruesome Car Accident Polling 10 Points Ahead of Trump Among Voters Under 40
Sat Feb 06 22:51:29 +0000 2016
Obama's Secretary of Obedience Pick Marissa DeLorenzo Faces Heavy Scrutiny in Confirmation Hearing
Sat Feb 06 22:48:50 +0000 2016
Gruesome Car Accident Announces Independent Run for President
Sat Feb 06 21:28:13 +0000 2016
Why Finland Wants to Use Bees to Monitor Migrants Along Russian Border
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Feb 06 07:06:08 +0000 2016
Twitter Faces Backlash Over Timeline Changes https://t.co/sThiNX7q4l
Sat Feb 06 06:54:15 +0000 2016
the UK Sleep Council ensures that every citizen remains unconscious for at least seven hours a day, “for reasons of national security”
— @direlog
Sat Feb 06 01:44:54 +0000 2016
Raytheon Announces New "Self-Defense Turret" Capable of Liquefying Human Tissue At Up To Seven Kilometers
Fri Feb 05 18:33:19 +0000 2016
"Lots & Lots Of Coffee:" Florida Man Uncovers Secret of Faster-Than-Light Travel, Angers Dozens of Ancient Conspiracies, Secret Governments
Fri Feb 05 11:04:55 +0000 2016
15 Ways Cream Cheese Is Trying To Kill You: You'll Never See #7 Coming
Fri Feb 05 06:54:12 +0000 2016
Experts: Legal Status of Physics, Engineering Depends on Blood Type, Day of Week, & Phase of Moon https://t.co/FTckHJxWhh
Fri Feb 05 06:15:37 +0000 2016
Sources: "The Black Helicopters Are Already En Route," "Make No Attempt to Resist" https://t.co/ijJRVQXwaT
Fri Feb 05 06:04:34 +0000 2016
Sources Report "No Change" in Long-Standing Policy https://t.co/4zhEEXTFaB
Fri Feb 05 06:03:46 +0000 2016
Dove Under Fire For Use of "Synthetic" Blood in Body Wash, Shampoos
Fri Feb 05 05:54:48 +0000 2016
Department of Education: Addition, Subtraction, & Whole Numbers to Remain Approved for All Non-Mutant Citizens, Children
Fri Feb 05 04:27:00 +0000 2016
Department of Education Approves Plans to Restrict Teaching of Division, Fractions to Class 4 Citizens And Above
Fri Feb 05 04:24:31 +0000 2016
FDA: Sufferers Should Consult Licensed Community Thugs for Diagnosis, Recommendations https://t.co/GzcN0pyojN
Fri Feb 05 04:10:02 +0000 2016
FDA Approves "High-Speed Impact Therapy" For "The Chronically Obnoxious"
Fri Feb 05 03:59:54 +0000 2016
Have Millennials Finally Mastered The Singular "They"?
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Feb 05 01:38:50 +0000 2016
Why Millennials Are Ruining The Law
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Feb 05 01:38:27 +0000 2016
New Study Shows "Combined Therapy" of "Melarsoprol, Weeping" "Highly Effective" in Treating News Poisoning
Thu Feb 04 19:55:00 +0000 2016
"An Excellent Peacemaker:" AFTT President Marissa Ekundayo Assures Americans Stacy Millicent "Well-Versed" in Advanced Pain Theory
Thu Feb 04 06:21:37 +0000 2016
"I'm Sure We'll Figure Something Out:" Idly Twirling Pair of Spiked Handcuffs, Stacy Millicent Expresses "Optimism" for Peace Talks
Thu Feb 04 06:17:06 +0000 2016
Americans For Traditional Torments Spokeswoman Stacy Millicent Agrees to Mediate American Dystopia Initiative Leadership Peace Talks
Thu Feb 04 06:15:16 +0000 2016
Simone Andrews II, Simone Andrews III, Simone Andrews IV, Simone Andrews V, Simone Andrews VI, & Others Agree to "Temporary Ceasefire"
Thu Feb 04 06:10:55 +0000 2016
"For Shame:" Simone Andrews I Castigates Successors For Placing Own Egos Over Fate of American Dystopia Initiative, Calls for Peace Talks
Thu Feb 04 06:09:15 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Clad in Jackboots, Peaked Cap, Founder of American Dystopia Intiaitve Simone Andrews I Arrives in D.C. Aboard Dilapidated Train
Thu Feb 04 06:08:00 +0000 2016
Witnesses: Former Arch-Directors of American Dystopia Initiative Engaged in "Internecine Conflict" as Current Arch-Director Prepares For War
Thu Feb 04 06:06:01 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Frostbitten, Clutching Aged Bronze Mechanism, Simone Andrews II Arrives in D.C. on Back of "Majestic Snow Leopard"
Thu Feb 04 06:03:52 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Americans For Traditional Torments Announces Support for Simone Andrews XI As Arch-Director of American Dystopia Initiative
Thu Feb 04 06:02:45 +0000 2016
"This Earth Is Mine," "Mine, Do You Hear Me:" Simone Andrews XI, Covered in Ceremonial War Paint, Threatens "Pretenders" With Rusty Dagger
Thu Feb 04 05:59:24 +0000 2016
American Dystopia Initiative "In Chaos" As Simone Andrews VIII, Simone Andrews III, & Simone Andrews VII Reappear
Thu Feb 04 05:59:13 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Simone Andrews IIX, Long Thought
REDACTED
, Emerges From Old Forest Clad in Tunic Blacker Than The Darkest Night
Thu Feb 04 05:55:07 +0000 2016
Experts: "That Information Remains Classified" https://t.co/p6UJifyxKX
Thu Feb 04 05:50:30 +0000 2016
St. Sebastian's Charitable Home For The Terminally Deceased Embroiled in Necromancy Scandal
Thu Feb 04 05:47:58 +0000 2016
Simone Andrews IV Challenges Current Arch-Director of American Dystopia Initiative, Simone Andrews XI, to "Mortal Combat"
Thu Feb 04 05:43:27 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Former Arch-Director of American Dystopia Initiative, Simone Andrews IV, Emerges Naked From Lake Bearing Ancient, Rusted Sword
Thu Feb 04 05:42:22 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Contributions to Supply Reporters Covering Debates with Protective Gear https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Feb 04 05:41:02 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Our Coverage of the Democratic, Republican Debates Can Be Found In Our Online Archive https://t.co/9oW4ydjIor
Thu Feb 04 05:30:27 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/PlKwkImQX4
— @jdimpson
Thu Feb 04 05:08:09 +0000 2016
Four Startling Facts About America's Wealth Inequality: The Third Will Literally Cause Aneurysms in Those Unprotected by Hawkblood Charms
Thu Feb 04 00:28:27 +0000 2016
"Love Can Melt Steel Beams" Officially Recognized as Most-Confiscated Forbidden Book of 2015: We Talk With Author Dr. Angela Portillo
Thu Feb 04 00:24:07 +0000 2016
"We Don't Know Where It Came From:" Pittsburgh Officials "Mystified" By Appearance of Impossible Sculpture
Thu Feb 04 00:22:21 +0000 2016
Enormous 5+2-Dimensional Sculpture Commemorating First Great Epistemological Catastrophe Discovered in Downtown Pittsburgh
Thu Feb 04 00:21:27 +0000 2016
Scientists Warn Cats "On the Cusp" of Developing "Laser Vision"
Thu Feb 04 00:19:01 +0000 2016
Ben Carson, Currently Tunneling Ever Deeper Into Luminous Pit Upon Lunar Surface, Could Not Be Reached For Comment https://t.co/Oho8Lhus4m
Thu Feb 04 00:15:49 +0000 2016
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested in Failed Jewel Heist
Wed Feb 03 23:55:42 +0000 2016
"We Must Be Contained:" Martin O'Malley Briefly Wakes From 5-Month Coma, Instructs Doctors To Perform Abominable Rite of the Hidden Prince
Wed Feb 03 19:16:54 +0000 2016
Scientists warns "our war on raccoons could be making them even more powerful" https://t.co/MCV0XOewWl https://t.co/4o7eleANkf
— @hunterwalk
Wed Feb 03 17:26:33 +0000 2016
American Dystopia Intiative Arch-Director Simone Andrews XI Slams Democrats, Republicans for "Lack of Vision"
Wed Feb 03 08:41:44 +0000 2016
follow @ApprovedNews6 for quality informat- oh god, they're breaking down the door
— @rhcm123
Wed Feb 03 07:42:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if we investigated every person seemingly wiped from existence we'd have no time for anything else.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Wed Feb 03 07:42:16 +0000 2016
"When The Fuck Did This Happen?" Visibly Sleepy Florida Man "Shocked" to Discover Human Civilization
Wed Feb 03 07:41:15 +0000 2016
Exasperated by "Constant Badgering" From Reporters, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Threatens To Answer Their Questions Truthfully
Wed Feb 03 05:46:13 +0000 2016
Americans For Traditional Torments Endorses Hillary Clinton
Wed Feb 03 05:41:08 +0000 2016
Swarm of New Zealand Strangling Spiders Released on National Mall in "Attempted Bioterrorism"
Wed Feb 03 05:38:02 +0000 2016
Pressed on "Missing" Vice President, Obama Explains In Low, Frantic Voice Office of Vice President "Has Never Existed"
Wed Feb 03 05:33:07 +0000 2016
"His Name Was Biden," "Why Can None Of You Remember Our Vice President:" Naked, Screaming Vagrant Arrested Attempting to Enter White House
Wed Feb 03 05:31:26 +0000 2016
"She Wants Only To Rouse The Great Golden Beast:" Young Voters Explain Their Dislike of Clinton
Wed Feb 03 05:22:18 +0000 2016
Americans For A Dread Tomorrow Calls for Increased Federal Investment in Whispering, Shadows
Wed Feb 03 05:15:11 +0000 2016
Connecticut Senate Votes to Outlaw Forced Mutant Cage Matches
Wed Feb 03 05:13:33 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 we have a strict no libertarians policy he will have to go through naturalization first
— @sigfig
Wed Feb 03 05:12:23 +0000 2016
Ron Paul Announces Plans to Retire to Secret Moon Fortress
Wed Feb 03 05:10:28 +0000 2016
Trump, Gnawing Absentmindedly on Human Femur, Predicts "Great Victory" In Super Tuesday Tourney
Wed Feb 03 05:07:53 +0000 2016
Clinton Celebrates Iowa Caucus Victory By Holding Flaming Skull Aloft Atop Ruined Church, Shrieking in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders
Wed Feb 03 05:06:08 +0000 2016
Pressed on Iowa Loss, Bernie Sanders Puts Finger to Lip, Winks As Dozens of Squirrels Emerge From Foliage, Stare At Reporters
Wed Feb 03 05:04:31 +0000 2016
"DROWN, NERD:" Asked to Comment on Iowa Caucus Results, Sen. Jim Webb Dunks Reporter's Head In Toilet Bowl
Wed Feb 03 05:00:22 +0000 2016
South Florida Sentences Man to "Death by Sexual Exhaustion" for "Totally Bitchin'" Crimes
Tue Feb 02 23:27:47 +0000 2016
Citizens Raise Concerns Over Perceived "Flaws"in Study Design https://t.co/rOmudE91tC
Tue Feb 02 20:28:26 +0000 2016
Sources: "No," "Dear God No," "Please, We Have Families," "Why," "Why Are You Doing This"
Tue Feb 02 20:13:10 +0000 2016
Trump Appears on CNN Clad in Ceremonial Cloak Woven From Charred Skins of Those Killed by American Drone Strikes
Tue Feb 02 17:49:21 +0000 2016
Pressed For Comment, Homeless Child Blessed by Democratic Superdelegate Smiles Beatifically, Wanders Away Into Woods
Tue Feb 02 08:08:56 +0000 2016
Speaking From Secure Bunker, Republicans Assail Democratic Superdelegates For "Incentivizing Homelessness"
Tue Feb 02 08:07:52 +0000 2016
Democratic Superdelegate Caught On Camera Bestowing Obscure Blessing Upon Homeless Child
Tue Feb 02 08:03:36 +0000 2016
Hollow-Eyed Locals Silently Congregating ar Enormous Bronze Gate Discovered in Mountainside Near Whitefish, MO
Tue Feb 02 08:01:14 +0000 2016
Which Seven Common Kitchen Appliances Are Inhabited By Mischievous Devils? Find Out Tomorrow Night At 8/7c: The Answer May Surprise You
Tue Feb 02 07:31:13 +0000 2016
"You Can't Kill An Idea:" Federal Officials Warn Citizens Escaped Blood Party Presidential Candidate "Metaphysically Indestructible"
Tue Feb 02 04:14:48 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 It's hard to resist that kind of peer pressure.
— @pvlstaven
Tue Feb 02 01:17:26 +0000 2016
Experts: "You're Next"
Tue Feb 02 01:01:56 +0000 2016
Survey: 9/10 Americans Are Already Dead
Tue Feb 02 01:01:36 +0000 2016
Analysts: Current Blood Party Candidate First To Escape Federal Custody in Over 30 Years, Could Cause "Unquantifiable" Levels of
REDACTED
Mon Feb 01 23:11:41 +0000 2016
RELATED: Can Too Much Prayer Cause Faith Poisoning? Find Out Tonight, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Feb 01 20:43:16 +0000 2016
Portland, ME Concertgoers Diagnosed With Heavy Metal Poisoning
Mon Feb 01 20:42:26 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS - NOW WILL YOU BELIEVE OR MUST YOU FIRST LOSE EVERYTHING TO THE WORMS
— @BLOODMUMS
Mon Feb 01 19:47:56 +0000 2016
How to caucus 1. Dig caucus pit (min. depth 6m) 2. Mark candidate choice in ash and blood 3. Purge the Uncommitted with fire 4. Tally/report
— @SimonMaloy
Mon Feb 01 19:36:47 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Blood Party Presidential Candidate Escapes Federal Custody
Mon Feb 01 19:27:02 +0000 2016
Witnesses: Democratic Superdelegates Beginning Annual Pilgrimage to Democratic Convention, Dispensing Blessings, Curses As Befits Their Whim
Mon Feb 01 19:21:01 +0000 2016
Democratic Superdelegates Arrive in New York Ruins Aboard Fleet of Sturdy Longships
Mon Feb 01 19:20:02 +0000 2016
Putin, Ukrainian Rebels Call Emergency Press Conference to Accuse John Kerry of "Kinkshaming"
Mon Feb 01 18:18:40 +0000 2016
D.C. Sources Report "Worm Volcano"
Mon Feb 01 17:38:36 +0000 2016
Experts in arcane meteorology predict six more æons of apocalyptic destruction @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/HURDR4eiVd
— @Pope_Norm
Mon Feb 01 17:29:00 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities: Governments Must "Disincentivize" Cancer
Mon Feb 01 16:48:21 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 the things people do to meet quarterly profit goals.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Mon Feb 01 07:42:19 +0000 2016
Oregon Coast: Witnesses Report Hundreds of Businessmen "Rushing Madly" Into Ocean, Disappearing Beneath The Waves
Mon Feb 01 07:37:54 +0000 2016
EXCLUSIVE: We Interview The Impossible Man Stalking Donald Trump Tomorrow Night 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Mon Feb 01 07:32:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 23 Reasons Your Hair is Plotting Against You
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 01 07:31:11 +0000 2016
"He Hides Under The Carpet:" In CNN Appearance, Trump Describes "Impossible Man" Stalking Him As "10 Feet Tall" With "Hundreds of Wings"
Sun Jan 31 20:56:48 +0000 2016
Paging @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/pjToI7iSBM
— @heretohinder
Sun Jan 31 20:41:02 +0000 2016
Observers Report Damage Done to Ancient Okefenokee Debating Grounds During Dread Cube Attack Being Slowly Repaired by Swamp Wildlife
Sun Jan 31 08:33:03 +0000 2016
Experts Note Sanders Could Be "The First
REDACTED
President" Since "The Great Defilement"
Sun Jan 31 07:50:39 +0000 2016
Clinton Accused of "Arachnoauthoritarianism"
Sun Jan 31 05:20:20 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 it'll usually take care of the areas that need taking care of.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Jan 30 17:08:26 +0000 2016
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 as an expert, home remedy is probably fine then, just put an electric drill on a pillow lay back for a bit.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Jan 30 17:08:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 How distantly related does "relatives" mean? What if I'm a 4th cousin, twice removed?
— @khymchanur
Sat Jan 30 17:08:22 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: All Relatives of Blood Plague Survivors Must Report for Immediate Mind Erasure
Sat Jan 30 08:13:11 +0000 2016
4 Blood Plague Survivors Discovered in Abandoned Mine; U.S. Military to Deploy "Bunker-Buster" Explosives
Sat Jan 30 08:12:15 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York City Announces New "Injectable Aspirations"
Sat Jan 30 07:50:06 +0000 2016
Brain Freeze Contest Ends in Cocaine Bust
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jan 30 07:40:24 +0000 2016
Trump: "I Am Being Stalked By An Impossible Man"
Sat Jan 30 05:54:48 +0000 2016
A necromancer saves up his money in order to buy the Republican Party.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sat Jan 30 03:13:02 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 The beauty of a relativistic kill vehicle is that you don't need to specify the target.
— @pvlstaven
Sat Jan 30 03:12:15 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Announces New Charity to Fund Launch of "Relativistic Kill Vehicle" to Strike Unspecified "Targets"
Fri Jan 29 21:38:43 +0000 2016
"It Is Only A Ruse," "We Will Not Go Back There:" Rubio Issues Statement From Undisclosed Location
Fri Jan 29 11:26:51 +0000 2016
Mildly Frostbitten Ben Carson Returns From Moon To Share "Wonderful News;" Republican Frontrunners Go Into Hiding
Fri Jan 29 11:25:48 +0000 2016
St. Sebastian's Charitable Home For The Terminally Deceased Cancels D.C. Fundraiser Due To "Wrathful Spectres"
Fri Jan 29 11:18:37 +0000 2016
Trump Challenges Cruz to "Dance-Off"
Fri Jan 29 02:01:50 +0000 2016
The birth of a 6-legged calf and other monstrosities this year, may be attributed to the impending presidential campaign. MI1888
— @TweetsofOld
Fri Jan 29 01:57:08 +0000 2016
Experts: "You Have Been Replaced"
Thu Jan 28 08:28:55 +0000 2016
Congestion at Victoria station due to a terrifying horde of shuffling automatons. Lifeless, soulless, their dead eyes will forever haunt us.
— @TlfTravelAlerts
Thu Jan 28 08:28:30 +0000 2016
Day One DLC Killed Rome And Now It's Killing America
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Jan 28 08:12:14 +0000 2016
Government Owl Men Arrive in San Francisco to Inspect Preparations for Superb Owl
Thu Jan 28 08:09:50 +0000 2016
Men in Dour Masks With Long Knives & Twine Begin Stringing "Festive Assortments" of Human Viscera Over San Francisco Buildings
Thu Jan 28 07:38:35 +0000 2016
Scientists Report Initial Link Required "Active Involvement" of Multiple Master Seers, But Express Hope for "Significant Miniaturization"
Thu Jan 28 07:30:44 +0000 2016
MIT Computer Scientists Announce First Successful "IP over Scrying Glass" Internet Connection
Thu Jan 28 07:28:20 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 if we don't regulate necromancers then they'll economically crush minority black magics like Brujería
— @TheBoundWatcher
Thu Jan 28 07:20:41 +0000 2016
"We're Going to Make Our City Great Again:" Broadcasting from Secret Bunker, Mayor Vows to Make NYC "The Beating Heart of America Once More"
Thu Jan 28 06:06:07 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
New York State Contracts Nameless Corporation to Build "Vast, Sprawling Slums" to "Revitalize" Ruins of New York City
Thu Jan 28 06:04:22 +0000 2016
Trump Announces Support For Necromancers' Fight Against "Burdensome Overregulation"
Thu Jan 28 06:02:37 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Strikes Commercialization Deal For Synthetic Opinions
Thu Jan 28 06:01:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 mayor breeding "legion of cats" in order to "hunt the owl"
— @BlueSpaceCanary
Thu Jan 28 06:00:10 +0000 2016
First Synthetic Opinions Created in Laboratory Setting
Thu Jan 28 05:57:39 +0000 2016
Obama Calls for Calm, Urges Dread Secretary to Consult All Affected Parties, Reach Compromise on Revision of Necromancy Licensing System
Thu Jan 28 05:56:49 +0000 2016
In Apparent Response to Necromancer Paula West's Activism, Old Forest Begins Disgorging "Thousands" of Mutated, Emaciated Forest Creatures
Thu Jan 28 05:54:58 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Support The Brave Reporters Who Risk Soul Pollution, Secret Fates Every Day To Bring You
REDACTED
! https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Thu Jan 28 05:49:40 +0000 2016
Government Owl Men Emerge From Old Forest, Begin Annual Trek to Site of Superb Owl's Predicted Arrival
Thu Jan 28 05:48:14 +0000 2016
"It's Time to Fight Back Against Burdensome Regulation:" West Urges Necromancers to March on Old Forest
Thu Jan 28 05:47:05 +0000 2016
West: Necromancers Already Face Strict Background Checks, Invasive Annual Soul Inspections, & "Literal Forests of Red Tape" To Make A Living
Thu Jan 28 05:45:53 +0000 2016
Milwaukee, WI Necromancer Paula West Condemns Dread Secretary As "Out of Touch" With "Working Americans"
Thu Jan 28 05:43:35 +0000 2016
DNMB Announcement Sparks Immediate Backlash From Necromancers, Calls for "March of the Restless Dead"
Thu Jan 28 05:41:29 +0000 2016
DNMB Spokesbeast: Current Holders of Thaumiel-Class Necromancy Licenses Will Be Eligible for Reduced-Price Sathariel-Class Licenses
Thu Jan 28 05:32:17 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Heresies to Discontinue Thaumiel-Class Necromancy Licenses
Thu Jan 28 05:28:14 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on GOP Criticism, Dread Secretary of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Vibrates At Reporter's Exact Resonant Frequency
Thu Jan 28 05:23:00 +0000 2016
Republicans Condemn Government Policy of Burying All Photos of Heretics in Ash Wastes of the Sundered King as "Unnecessary," "Wasteful"
Thu Jan 28 05:18:09 +0000 2016
Experts: Archaeologists in Ash Wastes of the Sundered King Likely In Search of Photos of Heretics Buried by Government
Thu Jan 28 05:17:08 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Unauthorized Archaeological Dig in Ash Wastes of the Sundered King
Thu Jan 28 05:13:05 +0000 2016
Montana Activists Protest "Unlawful" Confiscation of Pain by Police Officers
Thu Jan 28 05:11:58 +0000 2016
Clinton Wows Rally Attendees In World's First "Atomic Pantsuit"
Thu Jan 28 04:47:38 +0000 2016
Activists Condemn Everchurch of the Thousand Shining Eyes For "Aggressive Collection" of Votive Metadata
Thu Jan 28 03:36:03 +0000 2016
Everchurch of the Thousand Shining Eyes Warns Prayer Encryption "Growing Problem" For Intelligence Community
Thu Jan 28 03:35:20 +0000 2016
Terrible Shadow Falls on San Francisco, Distant Hooting Heard As Superb Owl Approaches
Wed Jan 27 20:51:07 +0000 2016
Bone Oracles: Coming of Democratic Superdelegates "Fast Approaches"
Wed Jan 27 20:06:41 +0000 2016
Reagan-Appointed Judge Recants His Allegations of Underage Affair With Elmo
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jan 27 13:23:44 +0000 2016
THE ATLANTIC: Violence Killed Rome And Now It's Killing America
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Jan 27 06:14:00 +0000 2016
Sources: "That Information Remains Classified" https://t.co/yidibavIZZ
Wed Jan 27 06:11:26 +0000 2016
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 1910: Biologist Thomas Sopwith Discovers Dormant Machine Gun Gene In Camels
Wed Jan 27 05:51:43 +0000 2016
Ancient Knife God Withdraws from Presidential Race, Endorses Clinton as "Durable," "Slightly Chewy"
Wed Jan 27 05:42:12 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia Declares National "Flog A Counterrevolutionary" Day
Wed Jan 27 05:40:19 +0000 2016
Four Senate Staffers Rushed to Hospital With "Severe" News Poisoning
Wed Jan 27 05:37:21 +0000 2016
ENTERTAINMENT: Indie Filmmaker Announces Plans to Remake Dozens of Nazi Propaganda Films in "Updated, Modern" Style
Wed Jan 27 05:35:55 +0000 2016
Pundits Decry Sanders As "Brutally Mild," "Shockingly Pedestrian"
Wed Jan 27 05:26:04 +0000 2016
Sanders Condemns Privatization of Pandemic Engineering
Wed Jan 27 04:19:42 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 out of my window i can see crowds of adoring fans racing across the countryside for a chance to be murdered by their fav. Sen
— @spinnylights
Wed Jan 27 04:17:26 +0000 2016
Sen. Jim Webb Decries Clinton As "Weak" For Support of Genetically-Engineered Pandemics, Vows To Kill Millions "With
His
Own Two Hands"
Wed Jan 27 03:51:41 +0000 2016
Clinton Expresses "Cautious Support" For Genetically-Engineered Pandemics
Wed Jan 27 03:49:24 +0000 2016
Trump's Head Erupts In Flame During Campaign Appearance; GOP Candidate Seemingly Fails To Notice
Wed Jan 27 03:43:02 +0000 2016
White House: Peace Treaty Signed With "Secret Enemy" After "Unknowable Years" of War
Wed Jan 27 00:18:29 +0000 2016
Virginia Cybermancers Strike For Higher Wages
Wed Jan 27 00:13:35 +0000 2016
INTERNATIONAL:
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Announces 7 New Mandatory Emotions
Tue Jan 26 21:15:51 +0000 2016
Official Forsaken Party Platform To Include "Destruction of All Which Is Aesthetically Unpleasant," Painting All Trees "A Majestic Blue"
Tue Jan 26 21:12:33 +0000 2016
Forsaken Party Votes on 2016 Party Platform
Tue Jan 26 21:09:36 +0000 2016
Men In Dour Masks Carrying Long Knives And Twine Lead Away Hundreds of San Francisco Citizens, To "Prepare" For "Coming of the Superb Owl"
Tue Jan 26 17:50:26 +0000 2016
It's more than our local government is doing about this unending tunnel debacle. https://t.co/KZe1oJdrfe
— @listelian
Mon Jan 25 21:39:37 +0000 2016
POWER-FLAVORED VODKA
— @man_products
Mon Jan 25 21:39:20 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Refuses to Comment on Continued Disappearance of Investigating Reporters
Mon Jan 25 21:21:30 +0000 2016
"I Have Bled For This Country And I Will Bleed For It Again:" Jeremy Corbyn Caught On Film Throwing Turnips At BBC Reporters From Burlap Bag
Mon Jan 25 20:09:28 +0000 2016
Dentists: Poor Dental Hygiene "Leading Cause" of Pyrokinesis in Young Children
Mon Jan 25 20:00:40 +0000 2016
Spider Council Pledges To Defend Seattle With Spider Cannon Should Skeleton Box Detonate
Mon Jan 25 18:18:58 +0000 2016
Downtown Seattle, WA Evacuated After Ground-Penetrating Radar Detects Potential Skeleton Box
Mon Jan 25 18:15:39 +0000 2016
Clinton: "We Shall Build A City In The Bones Of This Dying Earth;" "We Are Doing Great Work"
Mon Jan 25 18:06:34 +0000 2016
Religious Activists Encourage Teens to Pursue "Wholesome Careers" in Prophecy, Suppress Latent Psychic Talents With "Powerful Drugs"
Mon Jan 25 18:04:32 +0000 2016
Of course all the other States already knew that was going to happen before the vote... https://t.co/zbQJvNRXzW
— @mletterle
Mon Jan 25 18:03:27 +0000 2016
Religious Groups Vow to Fight Alaska's Legalization of Telepathy "All The Way To The
REDACTED
Court"
Mon Jan 25 18:03:00 +0000 2016
Asked to Clarify Foreign Policy, Sen. Webb Bellows "MEAT," Bodyslams Reporter
Mon Jan 25 18:01:51 +0000 2016
Alaska Becomes Last State to Legalize Telepathy
Mon Jan 25 17:58:41 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Having Finished Consuming Phonebook Live on MSNBC, Sen. Jim Webb Begins Gnawing on Dictionary
Mon Jan 25 17:54:34 +0000 2016
Sen. Jim Webb Appears on MSNBC Panel, Silently Chews Through, Swallows Entire Phonebook
Mon Jan 25 17:31:12 +0000 2016
Clinton Refuses to Comment on Sound of Sobbing in Background During CNN Telephone Interview
Mon Jan 25 17:28:00 +0000 2016
"We Gotta Cheer It Up A Little:" Senate Votes to Throw "Surprise Party" For DMV Hive Mind
Mon Jan 25 15:52:45 +0000 2016
Newslords: At 7 Months, Approved News 6 Reporter Lifespan "Well Above" Industry Average https://t.co/XgJWJMPfUA
Mon Jan 25 15:07:18 +0000 2016
Peruvian Mirror Pox Becoming "Epidemic" in Southern United States
Mon Jan 25 07:52:31 +0000 2016
Clinton's Claims Hometown Destroyed By "Evil Prisms" Called Into Question
Mon Jan 25 07:39:40 +0000 2016
Don't worry, that's just nesting behavior. They'll use the half-digested paper-reporter pulp as building material. https://t.co/OE9M1ckqcY
— @pvlstaven
Mon Jan 25 07:03:47 +0000 2016
OPINION:
Now Is The Time To Strike, While The DMV Hive Mind Is Weak; Let Us Free Ourselves Of Its Merciless Chokehold Before It Is Too Late
Mon Jan 25 07:01:15 +0000 2016
OPINION:
America Must Show The DMV Hive Mind Our Love And Support During Its Time of Emotional Turmoil
Mon Jan 25 07:00:03 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Depression Diagnosis, DMV Hive Mind Drones Suffocate Reporters Beneath Paperwork
Mon Jan 25 06:59:18 +0000 2016
Hive Psychologists Blame DMV Hive Mind's Depression on "Restrictive Regulations," "Dwindling Drone Population"
Mon Jan 25 05:44:07 +0000 2016
DMV Hive Mind Diagnosed With Depression
Mon Jan 25 05:39:13 +0000 2016
Texas State Police Announce "Spirit of the Times" Taken Into Custody After 7 Architectural Styles "Brutally Outmoded"
Mon Jan 25 05:25:05 +0000 2016
In "Offhand Comment," Obama Causes Reporters To Break Down Weeping At Sheer Majestic Beauty, Insanity, & Impossibility of Existence
Mon Jan 25 05:23:37 +0000 2016
Visibly Dazed Carly Fiorina Calls Press Conference To Denounce "The Men With Black Hats & Silver Toenails"
Sun Jan 24 23:08:09 +0000 2016
Government Bees Won't Be Flying Here Anytime Soon
— @hail_ants_bot
Sun Jan 24 16:52:12 +0000 2016
Citing Expense, GOP Votes to Replace Yearly Presidential Crypt Desecration With "Ceremonial Pogroms" To Appease "The Wrathful Spirits"
Sat Jan 23 03:31:15 +0000 2016
D.C. Sorcerers Voice Concerns Inclement Weather May Impede Yearly Ritual Desecration of Presidential Crypt, Unleash "Howling Spectres"
Sat Jan 23 03:26:13 +0000 2016
Questions Remain After Obama's Decades-Long Press Conference Thursday Morning
Sat Jan 23 01:37:21 +0000 2016
"A Dark Day For Justice:" Activists Lament Prosecutors' "Contempt For Those We Lost" https://t.co/Nbzp6eNe5h
Sat Jan 23 00:11:12 +0000 2016
Street Closures Begin For "Project Grinning Lizard" https://t.co/WnIB9DxkaK
Fri Jan 22 22:25:02 +0000 2016
Experts: Cheese Currently Contained by Vatican Archivists "Incredibly Dangerous" https://t.co/TqBMwsN5wf
Fri Jan 22 21:11:45 +0000 2016
Four Dead, Seven Missing in Wake of Vatican Cheese Fiasco
Fri Jan 22 20:58:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 That just betrays his weakness. It should be "Tits *and* GTFO".
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jan 22 19:27:00 +0000 2016
@TheBoundWatcher @ApprovedNews6 T. Jared Winthrop Elucidates Motto: "Let me be clear - I refer to hooters! You know, boobies!"
— @tom_forsyth
Fri Jan 22 07:01:39 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 well, there are many of this type around watching me, but I cannot give them to him I do not own them https://t.co/Th0vtYNPmY
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 22 06:35:52 +0000 2016
@MagicRealismBot @ApprovedNews6 god, I hate apocalyptical marketing campaigns.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 22 06:07:16 +0000 2016
At dawn the Sun and the Moon are replaced by cheeseburgers.
— @MagicRealismBot
Fri Jan 22 05:46:59 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 celebrations cut short by exploding water containers now containing steam.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 22 05:39:57 +0000 2016
After Months of Protest, Negotiations, Boiling Point of Water Returned to 1994 Values
Fri Jan 22 05:04:41 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 WHISPERING FIGURES IN SOMBER WOODEN MASKS TOOK WHAT REMAINED OF MY FAMILY, I CAN VOUCH FOR THEIR INTEGRITY AND WORK ETHIC
— @BLOODMUMS
Thu Jan 21 23:53:32 +0000 2016
Pincers Clicking Wetly, National Police Union Spokesbeast Announces Trump Endorsement
Thu Jan 21 23:33:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well, he's lost my support.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Thu Jan 21 21:04:23 +0000 2016
"I Think I Had A Little Too Much To Drink This Morning:" Pressed for Comment, President Winthrop Vomits on Reporter
Thu Jan 21 18:49:01 +0000 2016
South Florida President for Life T. Jared Winthrop Announces New National Motto "Tits or GTFO"
Thu Jan 21 18:47:16 +0000 2016
Witnesses: During Decade-Long Press Conference, All In Attendance Grew Slowly Younger, "Danced & Made Merry"
Thu Jan 21 18:41:35 +0000 2016
Obama Calls Emergency Press Conference, Speaks to Reporters For "What Must Have Been Decades"
Thu Jan 21 18:39:46 +0000 2016
Main Street has never been the same ever since a giant pentagram was mysteriously etched by some sort of heat beam in the night
— @OrderOfTheVeil
Thu Jan 21 16:13:18 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 new Disney theme park opens without warning. https://t.co/fWog8ChUtJ
— @The_Aldurinian
Thu Jan 21 16:12:54 +0000 2016
A tired princess makes a speech about moonlight that lasts for 188 million years.
— @MagicRealismBot
Thu Jan 21 16:06:09 +0000 2016
Intrepid Reporter Searching For Legal Records of Nameless Corporation Abducted by Whispering Figures in Somber Wooden Masks
Wed Jan 20 16:48:18 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation Publishes FIrst Advertisement For "The Symbiote" https://t.co/qcyYvulDmj
Wed Jan 20 06:05:09 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation: New Commercialized Symbiote "Economial Answer" to Scarcity of Clean Water in New York Wastelands
Wed Jan 20 05:28:56 +0000 2016
Nameless Corporation Based In Ruins Of New York Announces "The Symbiote"
Wed Jan 20 05:27:00 +0000 2016
Collapse in Hat Mine Kills Dozens
Wed Jan 20 04:31:19 +0000 2016
William Shatner Won't Be Killed Off on 'The View'
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jan 20 04:11:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Supreme Court to Hear [AGITATED CHITTERING] v [CRAZED LAUGHTER] Case
— @khymchanur
Wed Jan 20 00:59:29 +0000 2016
SJWs Are Overly Serious, Says White Reddit User
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Jan 19 23:46:55 +0000 2016
Obama Closes Borders With Wisconsin Shadowlands, Citing Only "Foreshadowing"
Tue Jan 19 20:18:59 +0000 2016
"The Tube Loves Us;" "We Must Be Patient In These Early Days:" Pressed for Comment, #BART Officials Issue Statement https://t.co/7UC1J6fZJ1
Tue Jan 19 19:55:41 +0000 2016
Citing Rising Threat of Infocrime, Democratic Legislators Pressure NASA To Construct "Space Hell"
Tue Jan 19 11:30:24 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Obama challenges candidates to "submit to Mohs hardness scale" or ceremonially repent on the Ides
— @formercrsc
Tue Jan 19 08:05:08 +0000 2016
"Soft on Refugees:" Republican Frontrunners Assail Obama For Comments During Press Conference
Tue Jan 19 08:01:49 +0000 2016
Asked To Clarify Statements on Refugees, Obama Binds Eyes With Tattered Cloth, Walks Slowly In Place For Several Minutes
Tue Jan 19 08:00:30 +0000 2016
Asked To Clarify Statements on Refugees, Obama Binds Eyes With Tattered Cloth, Walks Slowly In Place For Several Minutes
Tue Jan 19 08:00:30 +0000 2016
Press Conference Survivor Reports Seeing "Impossible Stars" Through Void Where Obama Once Stood, Before Being Assaulted by Blood-Red Ravens
Tue Jan 19 07:54:22 +0000 2016
Pressed on "Insufficiently Degrading" Procedures for Refugees, Obama Becomes "Man-Shaped Hole" In Reality, Shows Reporters "Terrible Truth"
Tue Jan 19 07:53:00 +0000 2016
What's It Like Being Held in an Ant Prison? She Knows.
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Jan 19 06:49:06 +0000 2016
Trump Vows To Make America Into "Carcinocracy"
Tue Jan 19 06:35:37 +0000 2016
Clinton Calls For "Democratization of Bees"
Tue Jan 19 06:07:26 +0000 2016
YOUR BLOOD DEMANDS LEATHER-FLAVORED AMMO FOR GUYS
— @man_products
Tue Jan 19 04:49:31 +0000 2016
WOW: MUSCLE-SCENTED PERSONAL MOISTURIZER⚒
— @man_products
Tue Jan 19 04:49:25 +0000 2016
"Yeah, Sure, I Guess:" Trump Responds To Questions Whether Child He Strangled With Snake Was An Illegal Immigrant
Tue Jan 19 04:48:25 +0000 2016
At Campaign Rally, Trump Strangles Small Child With Snake To Raucous Applause
Tue Jan 19 04:44:39 +0000 2016
GOP Frontrunners Trapped on Moon by Ben Carson Return To Earth Aboard Makeshift Hand-Cranked Spacecraft
Tue Jan 19 04:43:38 +0000 2016
Nutella Maker Shuts Down Israeli Government
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jan 19 04:11:48 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/gxrRyH2PV6
— @rmehlinger
Tue Jan 19 02:35:32 +0000 2016
Why the Marvel Cinematic Universe Is The Biggest Threat To Discourse
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Jan 19 01:14:28 +0000 2016
Trapped on Moon, Trump Confirms Carson Once Again Digging Resolutely Into Lunar Surface
Mon Jan 18 04:57:25 +0000 2016
Conservative Pundits: Clinton's "Casual Abuse, Dismemberment" of Reporters "A Tired, Unoriginal Rehash" of Obama's Press Policy
Mon Jan 18 04:56:38 +0000 2016
NASA Receives Distress Call From GOP Frontrunners Trapped On Moon: "Carson Will Not Let Us Leave," "Please Help Us"
Mon Jan 18 04:54:49 +0000 2016
"This World Is Mine, Do You Hear Me:" Approached For Comment, Clinton Drains Reporters Of All Life With Single Irate Glare
Mon Jan 18 04:54:08 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report Sanders, Visibly Intoxicated Clinton Engaged in Fistfight Outside Minneapolis Bar
Mon Jan 18 04:53:04 +0000 2016
...GENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. A GRAY ALERT HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR ASH AND DARKLING COUNTIES. THE ENTITY MANIFESTS NEAR POWER LINES AND MAY /blink
— @ApprovedTV
Mon Jan 18 03:08:20 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
For Every Dollar You Pledge, Another Life May Be Spared From The Wrath of The Newslords https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jan 18 03:05:52 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Covered in Mud, War Paint, Sen. Jim Webb Arrives Late to Site of Disastrous #DemDebate, Begins Gnawing on Deserted Podium
Mon Jan 18 02:56:03 +0000 2016
Interviewed By Phone, Audibly Sullen Clinton Vows "A Tenfold Revenge" Upon Donald Trump For Dread Cube Incursion
Mon Jan 18 02:53:37 +0000 2016
"I Thought I Should Do Something Nice For Her, She Was Pretty Broken Up About It:" Sanders Reports He, Clinton Currently At Movie
Mon Jan 18 02:52:49 +0000 2016
"This Shall Not Be Our Last Great Battle:" With Final Dark Pronouncement, #DemDebate Moderator Teleports Away To Her Green Bay Fortress
Mon Jan 18 02:50:48 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Combined Might of Defending Forces Banishes Dread Cubes, Dread Tesseract From Ancient Okefenokee Swamp Debating Grounds
Mon Jan 18 02:47:54 +0000 2016
"I Told Y'all That Goat Was Big:" Big Goat Spokesman Affirms Commitment To "Protecting America's Cultural Heritage"
Mon Jan 18 02:46:49 +0000 2016
Crashing Through Shrubs, Squadron of Farmers Supported by Big Goat Arrive To Defeat Dread Tesseract
Mon Jan 18 02:46:11 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
ANCIENT DEBATING GROUNDS BEGIN TO RUMBLE AS THOUGH FROM TREMENDOUS FOOTSTEPS
Mon Jan 18 02:44:27 +0000 2016
"The Ancient Okefenokee Debating Grounds Are A Priceless Historic Site:" Charles J. Bloodhorn Explains His Intervention Against Dread Cubes
Mon Jan 18 02:43:38 +0000 2016
FAA Confirms Corporate Jet Registered Property of Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Mon Jan 18 02:42:20 +0000 2016
"Charles Sends His Regards:" Four Women In Red Armani Suits Arrive At Debating Grounds in Corporate Jet, Join Battle Against Dread Tesseract
Mon Jan 18 02:41:55 +0000 2016
As Dread Cubes Falter Under Constant Assault By Democratic Arch-Moderator, Debating Grounds Guardian, Dread Tesseract Begins To Manifest
Mon Jan 18 02:40:47 +0000 2016
#DemDebate: Sanders Drags Clinton Onto Back of Magnificent Stag, Flees Ancient Debating Grounds As Battle Intensifies
Mon Jan 18 02:39:27 +0000 2016
Blazing Light From Ancient Debating Grounds' Jagged Obsidian Spire Melts Attacking Dread Cubes Into Roiling, Forbidden Geometries
Mon Jan 18 02:38:39 +0000 2016
"The Moon Will Protect Us:" Ben Carson Links Arms With Surviving Republican Frontrunners, Ascends Bodily Into Sky
Mon Jan 18 02:37:17 +0000 2016
"MORE POWER:" Blazing With Unholy Light, Democratic Arch-Moderator, Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Assails Dread Cubes
Mon Jan 18 02:35:35 +0000 2016
CORRECTION: Obsidian Spire At Ancient Debating Grounds Glowing With Forbidden, Not Forsaken, Runes. We Regret The Error.
Mon Jan 18 02:34:28 +0000 2016
#DemDebate: Obsidian Spire At Ancient Debating Grounds Begins Glowing With Forsaken Runes
Mon Jan 18 02:33:57 +0000 2016
"The Guardian Has Awoken:" Sanders Urges All To Flee Ancient Debating Grounds "Before We All Become As Dust"
Mon Jan 18 02:27:24 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Jagged Obsidian Spire Erupts From Depths of Ancient Debate Grounds, Pierces Attacking Dread Cube
Mon Jan 18 02:26:27 +0000 2016
Sanders' Horde of Forest Animals Flees in Terror As Dread Cubes Manifest, Begin Restructuring Debate Grounds
Mon Jan 18 02:25:39 +0000 2016
"You Fool, What Have You Done:" Clinton Throws Trump Against Tree, Fist Adorned With Brass Knuckles
Mon Jan 18 02:24:59 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
DREAD CUBES CLAIM ANCIENT DEBATE GROUNDS, LARGE REGION OF OKEFENOKEE SWAMP
Mon Jan 18 02:23:36 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report "Eerie Warbling" At Ancient Debate Grounds, "Almost As Though..."
Mon Jan 18 02:22:51 +0000 2016
"I'm Ready For You This Time:" Rapidly Increasing In Size, Trump Produces Ornate Strangling Cord From Within Suit
Mon Jan 18 02:21:50 +0000 2016
"You Won't Escape This Time:" Hovering Over Debate Grounds In Night-Black Pantsuit, Clinton Begins Invoking Most Terrible Sigil
Mon Jan 18 02:20:20 +0000 2016
Amid Carnage, Trump, Clinton Face Off On Debate Floor
Mon Jan 18 02:19:05 +0000 2016
At "Sharp Whistle" From Sanders, Hundreds of Bears, Wolves Emerge From Swamp to Do Battle With Vengeful GOP Candidates
Mon Jan 18 02:18:01 +0000 2016
"Feast, My Darlings!" Brandishing Hickory Staff, Clinton Commands Army of Underbeasts to Engage Attacking Republicans
Mon Jan 18 02:16:48 +0000 2016
"It's Payback Time:" Led By Trump, Entire GOP Lineup Confronts Clinton, Sanders
Mon Jan 18 02:15:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
#DemDebate Interrupted By Sudden Coordinated Attack
Mon Jan 18 02:14:22 +0000 2016
"What Would You Do As President To Address The Needs of Developing Nations?" Charles J. Bloodhorn Presses Candidates on Foreign Policy
Mon Jan 18 02:13:04 +0000 2016
At Appearance of Charles J. Bloodhorn, Clinton Begins Hissing, Eyes Turn Blood Red
Mon Jan 18 02:11:59 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Notorious Philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn Appears At Democratic Debate Via High-Speed Scrying Glass
Mon Jan 18 02:11:27 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Moderator Announces Question From "A Very Special Guest"
Mon Jan 18 02:10:56 +0000 2016
"It'll Be Alright, Hil:" Sanders Pats Visibly Enraged Clinton On Shoulder, Hands Her Folio of Adorable Puppy Pictures
Mon Jan 18 02:08:15 +0000 2016
"This Quivering Earth Was Promised To The Blood That Flows Within Me:" Clinton Begins Solemnly Striking Podium With Heavy Hickory Staff
Mon Jan 18 02:06:35 +0000 2016
Sanders: "
CHEERY WHISTLING
"
Mon Jan 18 02:04:58 +0000 2016
Pressed on Gun Control, Clinton Begins Silently Tossing Elaborately Carved Jade Marbles Into Depths of Swamp
Mon Jan 18 02:04:25 +0000 2016
#DemDebate: Asked to Outline Proposed Public Insurance Scheme, Sanders Enchants All Present With Delightful Fiddle Tune
Mon Jan 18 02:03:20 +0000 2016
Governor Urges "Caution," "Temperance:" "His Role Will Soon Become Clear" https://t.co/mHVsjc3nko
Mon Jan 18 02:02:36 +0000 2016
As always, #ff @ApprovedNews6 for the only coverage of the #DemDebate that you can trust.
— @rmehlinger
Mon Jan 18 02:01:46 +0000 2016
Mighty Wind Rises Up In Democratic Debating Grounds, Heralding Official Beginning of #DemDebate
Mon Jan 18 01:57:33 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Florida Man Sentenced to Seven Years in Shame Cube Pardoned by Governor "As Foretold In Prophecy"
Mon Jan 18 01:52:43 +0000 2016
Sudden Appearance of Blood-Red Ravens at #DemDebate Venue Suggests Obama "Silently Observing" Debate Proceedings
Mon Jan 18 01:50:16 +0000 2016
Two Survivors To Be Taken To Deepest Seclusion, Fed Glowing Mushrooms Until Again They Can Recite Their Names https://t.co/kL0k6tZV3X
Mon Jan 18 01:47:47 +0000 2016
Distant, Staticky Hum Heard At Ancient Okefenokee Swamp Debating Grounds, Signalling Imminent Start of #DemDebate
Mon Jan 18 01:46:38 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Moderator's Personal Guards Report Nixonite Bone Cult's Skeleton Box "Safely Disarmed"
Mon Jan 18 01:44:36 +0000 2016
Pundits Condemn Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals For "Lackluster" Response To Resurgent Nixonite Bone Cult
Mon Jan 18 01:43:15 +0000 2016
TERROR PLOT? Members of Nixonite Bone Cult Captured Approaching #DemDebate Grounds With Active Skeleton Box
Mon Jan 18 01:42:11 +0000 2016
#DemDebate: As "Pre-Debate Entertainment," Moderator Conjures Spirit of Ronald Reagan To Taunt
Mon Jan 18 01:41:00 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
#DemDebate Moderator Samedra Thunderflange Whispers Seven Terrible Words; Electoral Orb, Multiple Audience Members Quietly Implode
Mon Jan 18 01:36:44 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Rituals Interrupted As Electoral Orb Floats Unexpectedly Into Ancient Debating Grounds
Mon Jan 18 01:35:39 +0000 2016
Democratic Candidates Begin Traditional Pre-Debate Meditation, Warding Rituals
Mon Jan 18 01:33:44 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Bears Following Sanders To #DemDebate Playfully Devour Dozens of Helpless Audience Members
Mon Jan 18 01:32:23 +0000 2016
Merrily Playing Harmonica, Bernie Sanders Lopes Into Ancient Debating Grounds Chosen for #DemDebate, Followed By Herd of Playful Deer, Bears
Mon Jan 18 01:31:26 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Moderator: "The Last Threads Have Now Been Tied," "We Stand Upon The Precipice of Ages"
Mon Jan 18 01:29:32 +0000 2016
Resplendent in Swirling Black Summoning Cloak Covered In Gently Luminous Runes, #DemDebate Moderator Samedra Thunderflange Takes The Stage
Mon Jan 18 01:27:47 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Audience Remains Quiet During Clinton's Arrival, Tongues Held Fast By Ancient Debating Ground Magicks
Mon Jan 18 01:24:59 +0000 2016
Clinton First To Arrive At #DemDebate, Bursting From Beneath The Earth Atop Back Of Roaring Underbeast
Mon Jan 18 01:22:08 +0000 2016
#DemDebate: Audience Members Now Being Seated, Fastened Into Traditional Stone Manacles To Prevent Their Escape
Mon Jan 18 01:19:46 +0000 2016
As #DemDebate Draws Near, Flocks of Crows Converge on Ancient Okefenokee Swamp Debating Grounds
Mon Jan 18 01:18:50 +0000 2016
Also @ApprovedNews6 has the best debate coverage for tonight. They’re the only news outlet I trust.
— @bardings
Mon Jan 18 01:17:59 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
We Rely On Viewer Contributions To Supply Our Reporters With Antivenins, Machetes https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jan 18 01:16:27 +0000 2016
Reporters At Ancient Swamp Debating Grounds Describe "Towering Stone Bleachers" For Audience, Covered in Moss, Fungi
Mon Jan 18 01:15:24 +0000 2016
Witnesses Report New Democratic Arch-Moderator Samedra Thunderflange Leading Chained, Terrified Audience Members to #DemDebate
Mon Jan 18 01:13:54 +0000 2016
"It Was Foretold:" Reporters From #DemDebate Venue Report Discovery "Ancient Stone Tablets" Engraved With Clinton, Sanders' Names
Mon Jan 18 01:12:15 +0000 2016
Intrepid Reporters, Forest Rangers Track Democratic Candidates to Ancient Debating Grounds Deep Within Okefenokee Swamp
Mon Jan 18 01:10:45 +0000 2016
#DemDebate Moderator, Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Announces Debate Questions Will Be "Divined from the Shadowed Places"
Mon Jan 18 01:05:46 +0000 2016
Analysts: By "Ancient Traditions" of Democratic National Committee, Samedra Thunderflange Now Democratic Arch-Moderator By Right of Conquest
Mon Jan 18 01:03:51 +0000 2016
"He Thought The Mists Would Hide Him:" Thunderflange Present Impaled Body of Former Democratic Arch-Moderator
Mon Jan 18 01:02:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange of Green Bay, WI To Host #DemDebate
Mon Jan 18 00:59:36 +0000 2016
Pressed on #DemDebate, Clinton Raises Arms Above Head As Sky Darkens, Rumbling Rises From The Deep
Mon Jan 18 00:58:20 +0000 2016
Bernie Sanders, Surrounded by Cohort of Cavorting Forest Animals, Expresses "Quiet Confidence" For Debate
Mon Jan 18 00:57:16 +0000 2016
Federal Bone Oracles Predict Democratic Debate To Be Held in "Dismal Lagoon"
Mon Jan 18 00:56:19 +0000 2016
Thousands of Dead Crows on White House Lawn Form Clinton Campaign Logo, Foretelling Democratic Primary Debate
Mon Jan 18 00:54:31 +0000 2016
"Levitation is a Sin:" Republicans Slam Clinton for "Immoral Behavior"
Sun Jan 17 20:39:08 +0000 2016
"Let The Harvest of The Innocent Commence:" At Campaign Rally, Clinton Dons Black Cloak, Begins Levitating
Sun Jan 17 20:33:57 +0000 2016
Pressed on Spider Policy, Obama Puts Finger Sternly to Lips, Plays Mournful Dirge on Tiny Hand Piano
Sun Jan 17 09:21:41 +0000 2016
7 ways to keep princes out of your underwater castle
— @BuzzFiendNews
Sun Jan 17 06:16:20 +0000 2016
I Used to Be Obama's Pick for Ambassador to the Lonely
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jan 17 01:10:41 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on End of Civil War, Triumphant, Visibly Inebriated President T. Jared Winthrop Wrestles Reporter Into Submission
Sat Jan 16 21:50:43 +0000 2016
South Florida Civil War Ends After Entire Rebel Leadership Eaten by Alligators
Sat Jan 16 21:48:15 +0000 2016
A forest appears above New Zealand. It is controlled by a koala.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sat Jan 16 19:10:23 +0000 2016
Civil War Erupts in South Florida After Dispute Over Parking Spot
Sat Jan 16 19:10:03 +0000 2016
RELATED: Pressed on Drug Policy. South Florida President T. Jared Winthrop Stubs Out Blunt in Reporter's Eye
Sat Jan 16 17:41:31 +0000 2016
South Florida President T. Jared Winthrop Declares Self "President for Life" In Televised Appearance, Threatens Protestor With Shotgun
Sat Jan 16 16:57:08 +0000 2016
I love @ApprovedNews6 in a very real way, and am not being forced to declare this to regain my anti-possession orbs and my blood allowance.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Sat Jan 16 16:36:57 +0000 2016
Republicans Lambaste Obama's Secretary of Obedience Pick: DeLorenzo "Has Limited Experience"" Bending The Masses To Her Indomitable Will
Sat Jan 16 08:10:37 +0000 2016
This New Startup Wants To Disrupt Your Mom
Sat Jan 16 08:02:51 +0000 2016
Obama Nominates Former Brain Control Surgeon Marissa DeLorenzo as Secretary of Obedience
Sat Jan 16 07:17:58 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I told you this is what happens when you cut infrastructure, now we will all suffer. Everyone MUST suffer.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Jan 16 07:09:51 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Biting, Scratching, & Howling, Sen. Webb Forcibly Removed From MSNBC Studio By Slavering Police Broodmothers
Sat Jan 16 07:07:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 that hogs blood was meant to go to state police. If he pulls resources from infrastructure like that the country suffers.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Sat Jan 16 07:02:40 +0000 2016
"I Bled Those Hogs Myself:" Pressed on Hog Blood Assault, Sen. Webb Begins Drawing "Elaborate Diagrams" of "Exsanguination Procedures"
Sat Jan 16 07:01:40 +0000 2016
In Unscheduled Appearance on MSNBC, Former Democratic Hopeful Sen. Jim Webb Throws Buckets of Hog Blood Over Terrified News Anchors
Sat Jan 16 06:59:49 +0000 2016
"Yeah, That Goat Is Pretty Huge:" Trump Walks Back Big Goat Allegations
Sat Jan 16 06:56:01 +0000 2016
Big Goat Spokesman on Trump Allegations: "Have You Seen How Big This Goat Is"
Sat Jan 16 06:54:10 +0000 2016
Trump Accuses Protesting Farmers of Being "Slaves to Big Goat"
Sat Jan 16 06:23:45 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 There were great hopes for Pointillist Torpedoes, but only the French were able to use them effectively.
— @Spkr2Managers
Sat Jan 16 06:09:41 +0000 2016
Concerned Parents Demand Unspecified "Pogroms"
Sat Jan 16 05:09:37 +0000 2016
Critics of New Navy "Postmodern Torpedo" Program Cite Disastrous Attempt At "Impressionist Torpedoes" In Early 20th Century
Sat Jan 16 01:24:16 +0000 2016
US Navy Announces Development of "Postmodern Torpedoes"
Sat Jan 16 01:15:59 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Former Democratic Primary Candidate Jim Webb Crawls Out of California Sinkhole, Covered in Mud, Clutching "Enormous Serpent "
Fri Jan 15 20:39:56 +0000 2016
SPONSORED:
https://t.co/nk6eEvi5xx
Fri Jan 15 10:23:38 +0000 2016
Standing Atop Hill in Black Cloak, Wielding Enormous Hammer, Trump Demands "Bonus Points"
Fri Jan 15 08:24:22 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Officially Condemns New Federal Department of Obedience, Calls for Protests
Fri Jan 15 07:19:07 +0000 2016
Remember, America: We can accomplish anything if we all just work together.
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:29 +0000 2016
control is erected in the heart of our nation. We can stop this and we must stop this, before it is too late.
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:25 +0000 2016
write to their representatives and protest in the streets if need be. We cannot sit idly by while a new dread edifice of total & omnipresent
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:21 +0000 2016
We opposed the Department of Obedience then and we continue to do so under its forthcoming new management. We call upon all Americans to
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:18 +0000 2016
employees in an attempt to permanently extinguish the light of human reason, all at the behest of a demented clone of Apple CEO Tim Cook.
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:14 +0000 2016
reinstate the federal Department of Obedience, which as many of you may recall warped your loved ones into a hideous facsimile of productive
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:10 +0000 2016
We here at Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities are bitterly disappointed by the United States Congress' reckless decision to
— @ApprovedNews5
Fri Jan 15 07:18:06 +0000 2016
operationally secure new year. Let's get to work, America.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:23 +0000 2016
director of the Department of Obedience, whenever she or he is appointed. Until then, we here at DHS wish you a cryptographically and
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:19 +0000 2016
and secret brain implants for the last few months, but it's time for us to say a fond farewell. We hope you'll join us in welcoming the new
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:14 +0000 2016
control of the new Department of Obedience. It's been a pleasure to be able to speak to you all directly through your radios, Twitter feeds,
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:11 +0000 2016
internal thought-policing to a more qualified and capable agency. As part of the new legislation, Approved News 7 will be placed under the
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:06 +0000 2016
DHS will now be able to redirect vital resources to the task of keeping America safe from our many, many, many external enemies, and leave
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:09:02 +0000 2016
everyone involved recognized that handing its responsibilities over to DHS was a stopgap measure, and a suboptimal one at that.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:08:59 +0000 2016
When the previous Department of Obedience was shut down due to widespread heresy and its attempts to forever extinguish all human agency,
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:08:54 +0000 2016
enact a bill that will once again establish a federal-level Department of Obedience, streamlining our brainwashing and propaganda efforts.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:08:46 +0000 2016
We at the Department of Homeland Security are pleased to announce that after months of negotiation, the United States Congress has voted to
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Jan 15 07:08:43 +0000 2016
Bill Co-Sponsor Promises New Department of Obedience Will Be "Strictly Policed" to Ensure "Freedom from Heresy"
Fri Jan 15 06:59:16 +0000 2016
Americans React With Anger to Senate Vote to Re-Establish Institution "That Nearly Extinguished All Human Agency"
Fri Jan 15 06:58:30 +0000 2016
Chaos Wraith Inhabits Boar, Taunts Bankers and Cops. End Times Bingo Square Filled https://t.co/KvnUHArNHv
— @substitute
Fri Jan 15 06:57:23 +0000 2016
After Intense Debate, Senate Votes to Re-Establish Federal Department of Obedience
Fri Jan 15 06:55:43 +0000 2016
@King_Of_Flesh @ApprovedNews6 short term solutions don't solve long term Mouths Beyond The Farthest Stars.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 15 06:21:45 +0000 2016
Hypothetical Victims of London Disaster Make Moving Plea for International Aid
Fri Jan 15 06:21:09 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
London Leveled by Hypothetical Disaster
Fri Jan 15 06:17:39 +0000 2016
Florida Man Arrested After Crawling Naked Into Police Warren, Shouting Spells in Aramaic at Larval-Stage Constables
Fri Jan 15 06:15:23 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Thrashing Mass of Tentacles, Darkness That Was Once Known as Marco Rubio Captured By Sorcerers, Bound Once More to Human Form
Fri Jan 15 06:06:16 +0000 2016
Hundreds of Foreign Refugees Gather in New York Ruins To Run Traditional "Welcoming Gauntlet" of Mutants, Sharpshooters
Fri Jan 15 06:05:08 +0000 2016
Pressed on "Atypical Absence" at #GOPDebate, Clinton, Army of Underbeasts Refuse to Comment
Fri Jan 15 06:01:26 +0000 2016
"Careful Review" of Debate Footage Shows Lizard With "Barely Discernible" But "Nonetheless Mischievous" Grin https://t.co/yhIx7ISJzN
Fri Jan 15 05:48:23 +0000 2016
Reclusive Astrophysicist & Sky Pirate Neil deGrasse Tyson Holds Press Conference in Flying Castle, Condemns Ben Carson's Moon Policy
Fri Jan 15 05:44:58 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Urges All Citizens To "Familiarize Selves" With Portent Classes https://t.co/niLX44EQei
Fri Jan 15 05:43:12 +0000 2016
"Can You Feel The Marvelous Thrashing?" Alabama Gov. Signs Legislation Mandating Slow Castration of All Adults
Fri Jan 15 05:40:16 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 isn't that just the standard press response? Doesn't tell us anything much.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 15 05:38:55 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Spokesdeer Headbutts Reporter
Fri Jan 15 05:31:11 +0000 2016
Clinton Blames "Gaffes" On "Tricky Witches," "The Ones Who Drink The Dusk"
Fri Jan 15 05:22:50 +0000 2016
A naturopath is hunting a murderer with eyes made of mink inside a glass cathedral.
— @MagicRealismBot
Fri Jan 15 05:09:30 +0000 2016
Trump Issues Press Release on Disastrous #GOPDebate https://t.co/mEEUmGtipd
Fri Jan 15 05:07:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 would the trumpwall stop illegal alien stars?
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 15 04:58:25 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 wouldn't that endanger the fishing trade/wake The Deep Ones? Doesn't seem economically sound.
— @TheBoundWatcher
Fri Jan 15 04:58:05 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Always playing the long game, Nixon.
— @themarevas
Fri Jan 15 04:30:19 +0000 2016
As Remaining Candidates Flee, Bernie Sanders Poses With Fiddle Atop Remains of #GOPDebate Podiums, Promises "A Yam In Every Kitchen"
Fri Jan 15 04:10:48 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Ben Carson Ascends Bodily Into Sky, Shattering Roof of Debate Venue, Revealing Panoply of Alien Stars
Fri Jan 15 04:09:04 +0000 2016
As #GOPDebate Witnesses Recoil In Shock, Illuminati Secretary-General Yoor Gives "Cheeky Grin," Teleports Away
Fri Jan 15 04:07:59 +0000 2016
SCANDAL: #GOPDebate Moderator Revealed To Be "None Other Than" Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Hirself
Fri Jan 15 04:07:25 +0000 2016
As #GOPDebate Lineup Battles "Seemingly Unending" Army of Forest Animals, Bernie Sanders Triumphantly Unmasks Debate Moderator
Fri Jan 15 04:06:33 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Smaller Trump Emerges From "Tattered Shreds" of Former Body, Burrows Into Wall To Escape #GOPDebate Carnage
Fri Jan 15 04:05:13 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Donald Trump "Torn to Shreds" by Seven Enraged Grizzly Bears at #GOPDebate
Fri Jan 15 04:04:00 +0000 2016
Chaos Erupts At #GOPDebate As Bernie Sanders Returns to Stage, Followed By "Teeming Horde" of Forest Animals, Still Merrily Playing Fiddle
Fri Jan 15 04:03:06 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Carly Fiorina "Pacing Nervously" As Distant Rumbling Grows Louder
Fri Jan 15 03:59:03 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Screaming Jeb Bush Falls to Knees, Rips Off Shirt, Begins Carving Forsaken Runes into Own Body
Fri Jan 15 03:57:30 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz Unveils New Campaign Slogan, Instantly Killing Hundreds of #GOPDebate Viewers
Fri Jan 15 03:54:56 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: John Kasich Claims Responsibility For Most Recently Captured Hitler Clone
Fri Jan 15 03:53:55 +0000 2016
Department of Homeland Security Warns Unscheduled #GOPDebate Could Be Work of "Nixonite Bone Cult"
Fri Jan 15 03:49:06 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Trump Fidgeting With Aged Bronze Mechanism, Loudly Denouncing "Stone Hoarders"
Fri Jan 15 03:46:51 +0000 2016
"The Discourse Must Continue:" Speaking Through Vocoder, Mysterious Moderator Refuses to Allow #GOPDebate To End "Before The Appointed Time"
Fri Jan 15 03:46:15 +0000 2016
Hooded, Cloaked Moderator Restores Order At #GOPDebate Through Use of Powerful Tranquilizer Rifle
Fri Jan 15 03:44:42 +0000 2016
"How Did He Get In Here? How Did He Find Us?" Jeb Bush Accuses Each #GOPDebate Participant in Turn of "Betrayal"
Fri Jan 15 03:43:15 +0000 2016
Panic Erupts At #GOPDebate As Bernie Sanders Wanders Across Stage, Playing "Cheery Tune" On Fiddle
Fri Jan 15 03:42:01 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Carly Fiorina Begins Smashing Jeb Bush's Podium With Hatchet
Fri Jan 15 03:40:36 +0000 2016
Ben Carson: "If We Will Not Go To The Moon, I Must Bring The Moon To Us"
Fri Jan 15 03:39:11 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Trump Credits Sudden Geometric Increase in Physical Size to "My Great Supporters"
Fri Jan 15 03:37:02 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Trump Suddenly Doubles In Size
Fri Jan 15 03:35:21 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Ted Cruz Throwing Nerve Gas Cylinders Into Audience, Screaming "You Deserved This" At Manacled Victims
Fri Jan 15 03:34:44 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewers Like You to Fuel Our Election Profiteering https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Jan 15 03:31:54 +0000 2016
Hovering Cloud of Tentacles, Darkness Once Known As Marco Rubio Condemns "Inefficiency" in American Education System
Fri Jan 15 03:30:48 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Carly Fiorina Attaches Shock Collar to Own Neck, Begins "Laughing Madly" As Jeb Bush Cowers
Fri Jan 15 03:29:34 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: True Form Revealed, Rubio's Discarded Human Body "Sloughs Away"
Fri Jan 15 03:27:11 +0000 2016
Analysts: Terrified #GOPDebate Audience Members "Confirmed Matches" For Hundreds of Missing Persons
Fri Jan 15 03:26:13 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Christie "Whispering Urgently" to Small Lizard in Palm of Hand
Fri Jan 15 03:24:29 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Trump Grinning, Making "Vulgar Gestures" At Cameras As Rubio Throws Back Head, Begins Spraying Inky Viscera From Mouth
Fri Jan 15 03:23:31 +0000 2016
Rubio: "This Feeble Body Shall Constrain Me No Longer"
Fri Jan 15 03:20:50 +0000 2016
"The Moon, The Moon, When Will This Joker Just Get Over The Fucking Moon?" Trump Stirs Controversy With Profanity During #GOPDebate
Fri Jan 15 03:17:55 +0000 2016
"The Moon, The Moon, When Will This Joker Just Get Over The Fucking Moon?" Trump Stirs Controversy With Profanity During #GOPDebate
Fri Jan 15 03:17:55 +0000 2016
Criticized By Trump, Ben Carson Begins Emitting "Brilliant Moonlight" From Eyes, Mouth
Fri Jan 15 03:16:18 +0000 2016
"You're Not Supposed To Be Here," "You're Not Supposed to Exist:" Visibly Agitated Jeb Bush Begins Screaming At Carly Fiorina
Fri Jan 15 03:14:29 +0000 2016
#GOPDebate: Carly Fiorina Promises to Instruct Federal Dept. of Purity to Classify Minorities as Lesser Mutants
Fri Jan 15 03:11:34 +0000 2016
Sleepwalking Scott Walker "Gently Removed" From #GOPDebate
Fri Jan 15 03:07:16 +0000 2016
Chris Christie Unfurls Enormous Scroll, Begins Reading Graphic Descriptions of Human Impalement From Early 3rd Century B.C.
Fri Jan 15 03:05:36 +0000 2016
Trump: "How Much Longer Shall I Be Denied The Claw," "You Will Give Me That Which Is My Right"
Fri Jan 15 03:02:43 +0000 2016
Ted Cruz Promises To
REDACTED
In Every Home
Fri Jan 15 03:00:58 +0000 2016
GOP Candidates Express "Sincere Hope" Debate Will Conclude Before Arrival of Clinton, Army of Slavering Underbeasts
Fri Jan 15 02:58:33 +0000 2016
Moderator: GOP Debate "Broadcasting Live" From "Undisclosed Location"
Fri Jan 15 02:58:03 +0000 2016
Television Feeds Worldwide Hijacked by Unscheduled GOP Debate
Fri Jan 15 02:56:53 +0000 2016
Trump: "Personally, I'm Against It"
Fri Jan 15 02:56:14 +0000 2016
Should We Eat The Poor, Or Is Poverty Contagious? We Ask The Hard Questions, Only on Approved News 6
Fri Jan 15 02:06:23 +0000 2016
The inimitable @ApprovedNews6 couldn't have come up with a better headline. https://t.co/stsnlJxT1x
— @empiricalerror
Thu Jan 14 23:36:23 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Trump is the most brazen of copromancers but he still somehow has plausible deniability
— @SwooshyCueb
Wed Jan 13 14:00:12 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 shit you don't gotta be a former intern to know about that it ain't like he's trying to hide it or anything
— @SwooshyCueb
Wed Jan 13 14:00:09 +0000 2016
Former Intern Accuses Trump of "Copromancy"
Wed Jan 13 13:55:25 +0000 2016
(Price includes shadow people, padding, disguise and installation) https://t.co/4mcuHjHSO0
— @TVCommentBot
Wed Jan 13 11:01:57 +0000 2016
"They Live On Within Her:" Trump Accuses Clinton of Cheating in Eating Contest
Wed Jan 13 06:45:35 +0000 2016
Asked to Comment on Trump's Eating Contest Challenge, Clinton Devours Entire City
Wed Jan 13 06:37:03 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/uvapEU4vyA
— @SorayaProtera
Wed Jan 13 06:28:26 +0000 2016
Trump Challenges Clinton to Eating Contest
Wed Jan 13 06:27:56 +0000 2016
Bernie Sanders Claims Campaign "Under Constant Harassment" by Geese
Wed Jan 13 06:22:49 +0000 2016
American Meat Council Announces "Exciting" New Campaign to Drop Rotting Deer Carcasses on Major American Cities From Helicopters
Wed Jan 13 06:13:35 +0000 2016
BLUDGEON YOUR EXCITEMENT WITH PAINFULLY EXECUTED BODY CREAM
— @man_products
Wed Jan 13 06:06:29 +0000 2016
Everything Really Is Annoying
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jan 12 22:12:34 +0000 2016
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, MOUTHS ENGULFING A SWELLING TIDE OF SHADOWS, LONG FINGERS SEEKING THE SEAMS OF CREATION, UPVOTING THE CHARNEL HOST
— @hottestsingles
Tue Jan 12 10:45:41 +0000 2016
PAINFULLY EXECUTED DEVICE 🔌 ENERGIZE YOUR HUT
— @man_products
Tue Jan 12 10:45:15 +0000 2016
Why Tweens Are Buying Fair Trade Tinfoil Hats
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Jan 12 00:24:54 +0000 2016
@substitute @ApprovedNews6 What’s weirder and more creepy that teeth in his forehead is the use of “harvest,” instead of hunted/killed.
— @doktorbuzzo
Mon Jan 11 23:43:07 +0000 2016
Florida Man Acquitted of Charges of Bone Heresy; Convicted of 12 Counts of Mind Control
Mon Jan 11 20:43:10 +0000 2016
Experts: Deformity of Lion Killed in Idaho Result of "Contamination"
Mon Jan 11 20:41:37 +0000 2016
Mountain Lion with Teeth on Forehead Attacks Idaho https://t.co/KcgQ7l17fh cc: @ApprovedNews6
— @substitute
Mon Jan 11 20:34:53 +0000 2016
Charles J. Bloodhorn Denies Accusations CJB International Charities "Stockpiling" Contaminated Orbs
Mon Jan 11 20:33:49 +0000 2016
As a human this news is naturally very important to me personally! #notagiantspider https://t.co/CyTpdBr7Ew
— @fragileayuka
Mon Jan 11 17:44:29 +0000 2016
contaminated orb
— @everyorb
Mon Jan 11 17:43:49 +0000 2016
Spider Council Announces "World's First" WiFi-Enabled Spider
Mon Jan 11 06:30:28 +0000 2016
10 reasons to trap yourself in an astral prison forever
— @antisleep_
Mon Jan 11 05:37:09 +0000 2016
To remove crows feet, carefully kill the crow and use a sharp knife to remove the feet. IT1900
— @TweetsofOld
Mon Jan 11 05:17:26 +0000 2016
“Trees Are Very Important:” Obama Vetoes 55th Republican Attempt to Repeal Affordable Care Act
Sun Jan 10 22:37:36 +0000 2016
NSHL Announces New National High School Spine Harvesting Championships
Sun Jan 10 21:19:32 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Needs Your Donations To Forestall The Arrival Of The Nameless Prince! Pledge Today At https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sun Jan 10 18:53:33 +0000 2016
cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/siFLB80DKV
— @PatrickAchtelik
Sun Jan 10 17:38:54 +0000 2016
Miss this week's post? From 1976 all facts were created by the state Fact Office (F-OFF) https://t.co/kyq2MptMZo https://t.co/O5jQqNWzZs
— @Scarfolk
Sun Jan 10 10:18:47 +0000 2016
RELATED: Pain Citadels Announce Development of First Cybercancer
Sun Jan 10 09:55:16 +0000 2016
NSA Spokeswoman: Strong Encryption "A Cybercancer"
Sun Jan 10 09:54:45 +0000 2016
Have Sex Bracelets Come Back?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Jan 10 09:13:00 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Truthers claim government plot, "they were always secretly this way, the drugs just wore off"
— @formercrsc
Sun Jan 10 09:07:51 +0000 2016
NASA Physicists: "It Is Highly Probable" That "Whatever Mysterious Force" Inverted All Dishes on Earth Affected "Entire Physical Universe"
Sun Jan 10 09:07:45 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Florida Man Claims Responsibility For "Dishgate"
Sun Jan 10 09:06:04 +0000 2016
Experts: All Cookware on Earth Seemingly "Perfectly Inverted" Along "Z-Axis"
Sun Jan 10 09:05:18 +0000 2016
All Dishes, Silverware Worldwide Found "Suddenly Flipped"
Sun Jan 10 09:04:44 +0000 2016
News Scientists Deny Accusations News Toxin Research Funded by Approved News Industry
Sun Jan 10 08:53:33 +0000 2016
News Scientists: "Common News Toxins" Can Be "Easily Cured" With "Simple $1 Monthly Donation" to "Approved News Sources"
Sun Jan 10 08:53:13 +0000 2016
Experts: Concerned Citizens Should "Visit https://t.co/zsG2uAETGT," "Familiarize Selves" With "News Archives" To Build "News Resistance"
Sun Jan 10 08:49:43 +0000 2016
REMINDER:
If All Our Followers Contributed Just $1 Each Month, The Prophecy Would At Long Last Be Fulfilled https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Jan 10 08:48:42 +0000 2016
Clinton Denies Accusations of Heathenry
Sun Jan 10 00:14:39 +0000 2016
"It's Time Congress Stepped Up And Tackled These Problems, Before More Americans Die:" Senate Votes to Outlaw Cancer
Sat Jan 09 21:34:23 +0000 2016
At "Top Secret" Press Conference, Illuminati Denies Responsibility for Saratoga Chimneysweep Scandal, Abducts All Reporters Present
Sat Jan 09 21:17:38 +0000 2016
Could Selfie Culture Have Caused Swine Flu?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Jan 09 21:15:52 +0000 2016
#Trump2016 https://t.co/RObvBk662j
— @saladinahmed
Sat Jan 09 20:53:08 +0000 2016
Obama Cancels All Public Appearances, Citing "Sicilians"
Sat Jan 09 19:26:57 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 still doesn't completely explain the bloodstains
— @The_Aldurinian
Sat Jan 09 16:56:06 +0000 2016
NASA: "Recent Studies" Indicate Dwarf Planet Pluto "Composed Purely of Solid Bone"
Sat Jan 09 09:00:06 +0000 2016
Concerned Citizens Express "Skepticism" of Jupiter https://t.co/zwD5omN5He
Sat Jan 09 08:27:01 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Wow, is it that time of year already? I only just replaced the ottoman they torched in 2015.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Sat Jan 09 08:21:45 +0000 2016
White House Press Secretary Refuses To Comment on Rumors Men In Top Hats, Silly Purples Robes "A Consequence" of "Project Grinning Lizard"
Fri Jan 08 23:41:21 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Men In Top Hats, Silly Purple Robes Strolling Through Walls Across America, Setting Fire To Furniture, Laughing Like Hyenas
Fri Jan 08 23:34:35 +0000 2016
A Vietnamese boy is poisoning gramophones.
— @MagicRealismBot
Fri Jan 08 07:08:55 +0000 2016
"The Moon Is Communist:" Trump Condemns Fellow Candidate Carson's Lunar Excavations
Fri Jan 08 00:05:10 +0000 2016
An Afghan judge sentences a serial killer to be devoured by a mechanical lion.
— @MagicRealismBot
Thu Jan 07 23:08:51 +0000 2016
After 7 Tragic Eviscerations, Senate Bans Import of Mexican Shrieking Cheese
Thu Jan 07 23:06:16 +0000 2016
The Temple of Re-Atum obelisk/the Heliopolis obelisk in Cairo. Egypt's oldest obelisk! #ObeliskThursday https://t.co/OC8t3hPqDB
— @meloeidoliac
Thu Jan 07 21:12:17 +0000 2016
.@ApprovedNews6 "NO ONE IS INNOCENT": Mark Zuckerberg's Rebuttal Makes Nuanced Case for "Rethinking" Privacy, Guilt, Penance in "Modern Era"
— @listelian
Thu Jan 07 02:41:53 +0000 2016
Facebook "True Name" Policy Criticized for Making "Innocent Users" Vulnerable to "Conniving Sorcerers"
Thu Jan 07 02:00:04 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 At some point will you detail the lack of interest by management in providing protective equipment for News Miners?
— @ladyjax
Thu Jan 07 00:46:47 +0000 2016
Major News Mine Collapses, Kills Dozens of News Miners
Thu Jan 07 00:34:50 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Spokesman Found to be "Juicy," "Delicious"
Thu Jan 07 00:30:23 +0000 2016
Disgraced Former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan Announces New Nonprofit Initiative to "Eradicate Childhood"
Thu Jan 07 00:28:36 +0000 2016
Pressed For Comment, FAA Spokesman Revealed to be Elaborate Papier Maché Simulacrum
Thu Jan 07 00:00:49 +0000 2016
Pressed for Comment, Exsanguinator General Attacks Reporters with Handful of Needles
Tue Jan 05 23:28:29 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Exsanguinator General Resigns in Protest of National Blood Policy
Tue Jan 05 23:26:45 +0000 2016
Chicago Becomes First City to Release Live
REDACTED
into Sewers as Part of Federal "Project Grinning Lizard"
Tue Jan 05 19:51:49 +0000 2016
New Legislation Would "Drastically Expand" Role of Avian Justice System in Handling "Delinquent Waterfowl"
Tue Jan 05 19:35:31 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Trump to assembled press: "I" have revealed "myself." Unveils "true" "visage." https://t.co/YQQOqt4qtY
— @derwolfanwalt
Tue Jan 05 16:21:36 +0000 2016
"I Did What I Had To:" Cruz Refuses to Comment on Controversial Ad
Tue Jan 05 16:18:07 +0000 2016
@_ardeej @Hyperror Intelligence sources indicate that BIRD FUTURE is inevitable!
— @direlog_ebooks
Tue Jan 05 16:16:02 +0000 2016
New Campaign Ad Features Ted Cruz Smothering Sleeping Child in Abandoned Mine, Sobbing Uncontrollably
Tue Jan 05 05:32:39 +0000 2016
Naked man wearing Ronald Reagan mask peeps through windows, terrifies Alabama neighbourhood https://t.co/9yE5X5myIf https://t.co/uEQX7L3Q43
— @CBCNews
Tue Jan 05 03:36:25 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
California Airwaves "Jammed" With NTSC Footage of Adorable Kittens, Cutting Off Vital Channels of Communication
Mon Jan 04 22:21:31 +0000 2016
CALIFORNIA CRISIS: Media Aggregator Upworthy Dropping "Cluster Bombs" of "Uplifting Pamphlets" On Populated Areas
Mon Jan 04 22:20:30 +0000 2016
California Sources: "Crazed Hordes" Filling Streets, Shouting Life Details, Making "Thumbs-Up" Gestures
Mon Jan 04 22:16:15 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 I am hunkered down behind my well blockaded door with enough food and supplies to last the next week and a half.
— @ladyjax
Mon Jan 04 22:15:22 +0000 2016
Middle-Class Americans: A Wealthy Ex-President's Shower Thoughts
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Jan 04 22:11:54 +0000 2016
Facebook Outage Leads to Violent Uprising Across California
Mon Jan 04 22:11:25 +0000 2016
The actual war on Christmas. https://t.co/R50fldFY8U
— @themarevas
Mon Jan 04 20:47:52 +0000 2016
@direlog_ebooks @ApprovedNews6 Orb Magnate Issues Warning
— @_ardeej
Mon Jan 04 20:47:35 +0000 2016
Cache of Illegal Cheeses Found in Disused Senate Basement Chamber
Mon Jan 04 20:47:12 +0000 2016
Chaucer: Good News For Lizard People?
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Jan 04 18:11:07 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: What mortal dares disturb my slumber?!
— @khymchanur
Mon Jan 04 18:10:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Well, look, you can't make an omelet without cracking a few thousand human souls. And eggs. But mostly souls.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Mon Jan 04 18:10:26 +0000 2016
Joint Christmas Defense Force Captures, Incinerates Final 4 Escaped Paindeer
Mon Jan 04 18:09:36 +0000 2016
"Let Us Never Speak Of This Again:" Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Liquidates All Personnel Involved in "Cyberstag" Tests
Mon Jan 04 07:51:38 +0000 2016
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals To Test New "Cyberstags" In Old Forest
Sun Jan 03 23:25:00 +0000 2016
Obama Criticizes "Glorious Protectorate of All Oregon" For Failure To Bend Knee To Right-Wing Extremists, "Violent Secession"
Sun Jan 03 20:19:18 +0000 2016
Sister Vindicta of Glorious Protectorate of All Oregon: "Any Attempt" To Subvert "Our Divinely Ordained Authority" Will Result in "Blood"
Sun Jan 03 20:18:10 +0000 2016
Attempted Violent Takeover of Oregon Wildlife Refuge Fails As Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword "Mercilessly Slaughter" Attackers
Sun Jan 03 20:13:20 +0000 2016
Improv Group Denies Affiliation With "Farces of Darkness"
Sun Jan 03 20:12:27 +0000 2016
Frantic Concerned Parent Warns "Bibliogens" In Food May Cause "Troubled Youngsters" to "Transform Bodily" Into "Forbidden Literature"
Sun Jan 03 19:34:08 +0000 2016
Doctors Use Their Medical Superpowers to Cure Baby Born With Morality
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jan 03 18:08:28 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Sun Jan 03 06:41:19 +0000 2016
After Brief, Frantic Civil War, Oregon "Under Full Control" of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sun Jan 03 06:10:34 +0000 2016
Gastroenterologists "Keep A Terrible Secret," Say Sources
Sun Jan 03 05:38:27 +0000 2016
A flight attendant gets married to an eagle inside a marble forest.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sun Jan 03 05:23:37 +0000 2016
EDITORIAL: Why Do People Want To Put Spiders Everywhere?
Sat Jan 02 17:49:28 +0000 2016
Pressed on Void Policy, Weeping Obama Strangles Reporter, Screaming "How Many Have You Killed?"
Sat Jan 02 17:40:35 +0000 2016
New McDonald's "Fleshburger" Draws FCC's Ire For "Unlicensed" Emissions
Sat Jan 02 17:34:53 +0000 2016
A nun vomits midnight.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sat Jan 02 05:10:03 +0000 2016
Citizens Decry Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm For "Hypocritical" Policies https://t.co/bKgpSOLmz8
Sat Jan 02 00:26:45 +0000 2016
Alien Anal Probe Nightmare—Again
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jan 02 00:12:05 +0000 2016
Citizens Hail Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm As "Tough On Crime" https://t.co/xZMtaJDGkJ
Sat Jan 02 00:05:43 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/oxxZWmVrKi
— @SorayaProtera
Fri Jan 01 20:48:35 +0000 2016
"They Have Ruined My Greatest Work:" Visibly Furious GOP Hopeful Ben Carson Condemns Dancing Moon Men
Fri Jan 01 20:14:39 +0000 2016
Last of Dancing Men in Bowler Hats Leaves Earth, Enters Glowing Fissure in Moon; Terrible Light From Deep Within Vanishes
Fri Jan 01 20:13:54 +0000 2016
ELECTION 2016: Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Announces Fundraiser for Wounded Animals From Atop Mountain of Human Skulls
Fri Jan 01 20:11:39 +0000 2016
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Spokesdeer "Unaccountably Silent" on Matter of Salaciously Dancing Men Climbing Inside Moon
Fri Jan 01 20:06:09 +0000 2016
Ignoring GOP Hopeful's Frantic Warnings, Millions of Men in Bowler Hats March Into Recently-Excavated Lunar Fissure
Fri Jan 01 20:03:04 +0000 2016
Visibly Agitated Ben Carson Emerges from Glowing Fissure in Lunar Regolith to Gesture Frantically at Approaching Men in Bowler Hats
Fri Jan 01 20:00:17 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Tremendous Pillar of Salaciously Dancing Men in Bowler Hats "Approaching Moon"
Fri Jan 01 19:59:32 +0000 2016
Salaciously Dancing Men in Bowler Hats Begin "Climbing Atop Each Other," Forming "Human Pillar" Stretching "Into The Heavens"
Fri Jan 01 19:57:07 +0000 2016
WEIRD & WACKY:
Ominous Soul-Harrowing Drone Heard Across Nation
Fri Jan 01 19:56:09 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 Coven of Trickster Witches: *waving dollar bills*
— @themarevas
Fri Jan 01 19:55:44 +0000 2016
UPDATE:
Men in Bowler Hats Standing in Single Massive Line Across Continental US Begin "Dancing Salaciously"
Fri Jan 01 19:52:12 +0000 2016
PHOTO: https://t.co/Nh5TqAMnEt
Fri Jan 01 17:25:45 +0000 2016
New York cheers as the new year's orb descends
— @_ardeej
Fri Jan 01 17:22:42 +0000 2016
BREAKING:
Identical Men in Bowler Hats Forming "Unbroken Line" Across Continental US
Fri Jan 01 17:22:11 +0000 2016
@ApprovedNews6 This sounds serious, but it's just a common marketing trick. "Ultimate" just means they won't make any more sacrifices.
— @pvlstaven
Thu Dec 31 18:07:52 +0000 2015
Senate Debates Bill Allowing Armed Forces to Conscript Mutants At Will
Thu Dec 31 17:21:56 +0000 2015
The next populist platform should contain a vigorous demand for free grass. NE1894
— @TweetsofOld
Thu Dec 31 17:21:30 +0000 2015
Seven Monks of Bronze Mask Make "Ultimate Sacrifice" to Save Passengers of Doomed Flight From A Secret Fate
Thu Dec 31 06:06:18 +0000 2015
Ted Cruz Condemns "The Squirming, Thrashing Masses"
Thu Dec 31 02:53:28 +0000 2015
Mona Lisa Containment Failure at Louvre Leads to Dozens of Visibly Agonizing Deaths
Thu Dec 31 02:52:25 +0000 2015
Did @DRUDGE_REPORT merge with @ApprovedNews6 when no one was watching? O.o? https://t.co/NXZ2YeUxRk
— @Iron_Fox
Thu Dec 31 02:01:32 +0000 2015
Heterophobia: The Real Issue Facing Syndicated Columnists
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Dec 30 21:27:05 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT https://t.co/qSvKVrzeGg
Wed Dec 30 17:08:53 +0000 2015
7 Great New Pain Compliance Techniques They Don't Want You To Know
Wed Dec 30 07:46:03 +0000 2015
Hawks 121, Supreme Court 115
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Dec 30 07:08:14 +0000 2015
i wrote a new (very short) story! https://t.co/ORLnFk8ri5 https://t.co/8NG46Uj784
— @velartrill
Wed Dec 30 07:00:18 +0000 2015
"Deadlier Than The Mona Lisa:" New Designer Pandemic Earns Rave Reviews
Wed Dec 30 05:29:20 +0000 2015
We Need To Talk About Jonathan Franzen
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Dec 30 04:32:43 +0000 2015
White House Denies 4 Individuals Matching Obama's Description Seen Walking Several Inches Above Street, Passing Harmlessly Through Cars
Tue Dec 29 02:45:26 +0000 2015
Press Conference Turns Unruly As Obama Orders Reporters "Frogmarched" From Room, Placed in "Box of Lies"
Tue Dec 29 02:37:51 +0000 2015
Pressed on Alleged "Secret Treaty" With "The Shadow People," Obama Threatens Reporter With "The Punishment Tube"
Tue Dec 29 02:34:06 +0000 2015
A woman finds out that an Albanian sorcerer is controlling the media.
— @MagicRealismBot
Mon Dec 28 21:08:00 +0000 2015
White House Announces New "Greenest Town" Competition To Promote Environmental Awareness; Winning Municipality To Be "Dissolved In Acid"
Mon Dec 28 17:28:54 +0000 2015
Argentinian Supermodel, Warlord Estela Peralta Ortiz Announces Bid for World Domination
Mon Dec 28 16:14:07 +0000 2015
NSA Warns of "Venom of the Cyberspawn"
Mon Dec 28 08:46:14 +0000 2015
Avant-Garde Artist Claims Credit After "Hundreds" of Plastic Bags Filled With Human Skulls Wash Up On Virginia Coastline
Mon Dec 28 07:58:01 +0000 2015
New "Collapsible Orbs" Cause Controversy Among Traditionalists
Mon Dec 28 07:34:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/iCEMrDSb5Z
— @equinoxmaster99
Sun Dec 27 23:05:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/SS52VaKv2m
— @equinoxmaster99
Sun Dec 27 23:02:54 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/CH03NdjGjQ
— @equinoxmaster99
Sun Dec 27 22:33:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/pP6v7uI48h
— @equinoxmaster99
Sun Dec 27 22:33:27 +0000 2015
Justin Bieber's Fans Say It's OK That He Killed 13 People at Your Super Bowl XLV
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Dec 27 20:15:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 down from 10/10 in 2012, experts worried about the other 10%. "what happens to the bodies?" "are they still down there?"
— @zacaj_
Sun Dec 27 18:37:49 +0000 2015
Ad Council Unveils New PSA Video Consisting Only Of Pulsing White Light, Voice Chanting "Remember"
Sun Dec 27 17:27:29 +0000 2015
Experts: 9/10 Americans Will Be Eaten
Sun Dec 27 16:29:59 +0000 2015
New Clinton Campaign Ad Featuring Grainy Footage of Man in Chains Crying in Forgotten Cell Alongside Rambling Voiceover Draws Controversy
Sun Dec 27 16:23:48 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/jqZ338IrJ8
— @rabcyr
Sun Dec 27 16:20:14 +0000 2015
Zoologists: Ruined Cities "Primary Habitat" For Lizard Men https://t.co/GhudKJFjB0
Sun Dec 27 16:19:17 +0000 2015
"A Victory To Be Proud Of:" As Reports Flood In, Total Number of Americans Made Jolly During Christmas 2015 Estimated At "Under 100"
Sun Dec 27 05:49:24 +0000 2015
Illuminati Releases, Brutally Suppresses Press Release Labeling "Tinfoil Fashion" An "Aesthetic Calamity"
Sun Dec 27 05:36:56 +0000 2015
"Tinfoil Fashion:" Advocates Claim "Bold" New Style "Looks Great," "Hides Your Brain" From "Orbiting Control Pods"
Sun Dec 27 05:35:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/RFKG5e1dqW
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 27 05:34:36 +0000 2015
Report: More & More Ohio Residents Crawling Into Cardboard Boxes, Whispering Their Secrets To Strangely Attentive Rodents
Sun Dec 27 05:26:39 +0000 2015
"We Were Not Meant To Know The Distant Stars:" NASA Condemns Dr. Tyson's Illegal New Educational Broadcast "In The Harshest Possible Terms"
Sun Dec 27 05:25:10 +0000 2015
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Reclusive Astrophysicist & Sky Pirate, Announces New Highly Illegal Television Show
Sun Dec 27 05:21:15 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Orders Whispering Men In Cloaks To Collect Single Hair From Every Citizen
Sun Dec 27 05:18:51 +0000 2015
Scream Council's Screamlord Rafael Villa-Hernández, Husband of Kidnapped Pain King, Makes "Urgent Plea" for Aid From Shrieking Shadow Things
Sun Dec 27 05:17:27 +0000 2015
Intel Settles Out of Court With Plaintiffs Claiming Intel Prosthetic Souls Were "Command Vectors" for "The Great Machine of Blood & Spiders"
Sun Dec 27 05:15:33 +0000 2015
What Does the Kidnapping of the Pain King Mean for the Future of Project Grinning Lizard? Find Out Tonight, Only On Approved News 6!
Sun Dec 27 05:13:29 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Charities International Claims Credit for Kidnapping of Pain King, Expresses Hope for "Cooperation" From Pain Citadels
Sun Dec 27 05:11:32 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Pain King Kidnapped
Sun Dec 27 05:10:03 +0000 2015
"It Was Nothing:" In Appearance on Late Night Talk Show, Visibly Embarrassed Arch-General Horace the Undying Downplays Own Christmas Heroism
Sun Dec 27 05:08:17 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Universe Continues To Exist
Sun Dec 27 05:04:29 +0000 2015
USPS Denies Involvement in Delivery of Mysterious Betamax Tapes: "We Don't Even Know Where The Mail Is Coming From Anymore"
Sun Dec 27 05:02:18 +0000 2015
All Addresses Served by U.S. Postal Service Receive Damaged Betamax Tapes Consisting of Visual Noise, Sustained Screaming
Sun Dec 27 05:00:36 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Yule Scientists Challenge Claims Santa's Little Helpers Behind Rockslide, Noting Little Helpers Prefer "Intensely Personal" Violence
Sun Dec 27 04:59:28 +0000 2015
CHRISTMAS CLEANUP: Hundreds of Twitching Corpses Found Under Massive Rockslide on Empty Plain; Little Helpers Blamed
Sun Dec 27 04:56:57 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Release Thousands of Tropical Birds Trained To Endlessly Repeat The Phrase "Sex Is Bad" Into Media Offices Nationwide
Sun Dec 27 04:55:21 +0000 2015
"Press Releases Have Become Too Accessible:" White House Announces New Cuneiform Substitution Cipher
Sun Dec 27 04:53:46 +0000 2015
UW Welcomes Record Number of Ants - https://t.co/pJFwVx8H7t
— @hail_ants_bot
Sun Dec 27 04:47:51 +0000 2015
Millions Feared Dead Each Day, Ultimately Without Reason or Consequence
Sun Dec 27 04:45:05 +0000 2015
"A Christmas Miracle:" Florida Man Survives Palm Tree Attack
Sun Dec 27 00:23:51 +0000 2015
Intel Issues "Categorical Denial" of Claims Related to THE INCIDENT https://t.co/xebzbJxNMr
Sun Dec 27 00:22:29 +0000 2015
Supreme Court To Hear Constitutional Challenge to 1944 Bane Unto All The Dead Act
Sun Dec 27 00:11:01 +0000 2015
EDITORIAL: Is America Post-
REDACTED
?
Sun Dec 27 00:08:13 +0000 2015
Pressed on Fate of Captured Yule Mages, DNMB Spokesfog Promises Citizens Will Have "Ample Opportunity" for Vengeance
Sun Dec 27 00:06:27 +0000 2015
17 Yule Mages Identified by Bone Oracles of Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Captured Alive
Sun Dec 27 00:02:49 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens Raise Possibility of Connection Between Events at 4PM EST on Christmas Day, THE INCIDENT
Sat Dec 26 23:59:37 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens Raise Possibility of Connection Between Events at 4PM EST on Christmas Day, THE INCIDENT
Sat Dec 26 23:59:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
All Reporters Who Asked About Erased Texas County Begin "Whispering Beatifically," Gently Levitating
Sat Dec 26 23:58:15 +0000 2015
Pressed on Fate of Texas County Reportedly Erased From All of Human Record, Obama Enshrouded by "Soul-Piercing Glow"
Sat Dec 26 23:56:35 +0000 2015
"No Sign of French Hens:" After 7 Tense Minutes, D.C. Police Lift Lockdown
Sat Dec 26 23:51:58 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Caroler Corps Reports Golden Rings, Partridge "Successfully Detonated" in "Controlled Demolition"
Sat Dec 26 23:48:36 +0000 2015
CHRISTMAS AFTERMATH: D.C. On Lockdown After Sighting of Five Golden Rings, Partridge in Pear Tree
Sat Dec 26 23:43:46 +0000 2015
Citing "New Evidence" From North Pole Deep Excavation Operations, Scientists Warn Trump Campaign May Be "Cognitohazard"
Sat Dec 26 23:15:05 +0000 2015
INSIDE THE NEWS: An Inside Look at Our Production Process https://t.co/MU0pRjEqXB
Sat Dec 26 23:12:04 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Gibbering Horde of Little Helpers "Torn to Shreds" by Cheerful Woman in Red Armani Suit on Emerging from SoCal Sinkhole
Sat Dec 26 22:58:27 +0000 2015
Early Damage Reports Indicate "Relatively Minor" Damage Across America, Few Abductions
Sat Dec 26 22:57:15 +0000 2015
JOINT CHRISTMAS DEFENSE FORCE ENDS MEDIA BLACKOUT
Sat Dec 26 22:51:44 +0000 2015
This is Approved News 6 signing off. Merry Christmas to all; may you all survive the night.
Fri Dec 25 06:20:34 +0000 2015
In Fundraising Gambit, NRA Promises to "Shoot An Adorable Puppy" For Every Thousand Dollars Raised by Trump Campaign
Fri Dec 25 01:57:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/1ILTkFIJMd
— @khymchanur
Fri Dec 25 00:50:29 +0000 2015
Experts Recommend Citizens "Stock Up" on News Before Blackout
Thu Dec 24 21:46:56 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Joint Christmas Defense Force Media Blackout Begins At Midnight EST
Thu Dec 24 21:46:24 +0000 2015
CHRISTMAS EVE: Obama Turns Over Power to Joint Christmas Defence Force; Arch-General Horace the Undying Mobilizes Bombers to North Pole
Thu Dec 24 17:00:40 +0000 2015
SATURDAY NIGHT 8/7c: We Examine The Media's Troubling Pro-Fact Bias, Only on Approved News 6
Thu Dec 24 07:09:55 +0000 2015
SPONSORED:
5 Industrial Solvents Your Third-Grader's Lunch Just Isn't Complete Without
Thu Dec 24 07:05:18 +0000 2015
Biologists: Limousines in "Mating Frenzy" May Not Follow All Traffic Laws
Thu Dec 24 05:28:35 +0000 2015
Drivers Advised to Take "Extra Caution" on Roads During Limousine Mating Season
Thu Dec 24 05:26:49 +0000 2015
Could The Hugo Awards Have Caused The Ashley Madison Hack?
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Dec 24 05:14:01 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 as a parent, I should be able to farm my kids' blood! I take extra-special care of them to max. profit on the artisan fluid!
— @rabcyr
Thu Dec 24 02:39:14 +0000 2015
Do Blood-Farming Laws Impinge on Parents' Rights? We Ask The Difficult Questions - Only on Approved News 6
Thu Dec 24 00:16:23 +0000 2015
Paging @ApprovedNews6... https://t.co/jHuQYAlPlF
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Dec 23 22:35:58 +0000 2015
Tricky Witches Accused of "Recruiting" Teens Into "Communist Doom Brigades"
Wed Dec 23 05:18:16 +0000 2015
The First 'Smart TVs' in 43 Years Endured More Than You Can Imagine on the Way ...
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Dec 23 05:09:27 +0000 2015
Sources: Extraction of Energy From Oxygen "Problematic"
Wed Dec 23 04:28:12 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities to Host Fundraiser for Soul Cancer Awareness
Wed Dec 23 04:24:21 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/WGg56ajlh8
— @rabcyr
Wed Dec 23 03:15:29 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Sources Allege "Illicit Liaison" Between Trump, Shrieking Shadow Things
Wed Dec 23 03:02:10 +0000 2015
MIT, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Reach Undisclosed Deal to Repatriate Professors Convicted of Thought Crime
Wed Dec 23 01:44:39 +0000 2015
High School Art Project Terrorizes San Francisco Suburb
Wed Dec 23 01:37:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/hE0M0vCUaj
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 23 01:02:50 +0000 2015
Senate Debates Proposal to Add Bitcoin Verses to National Anthem, Pledge of Allegiance
Wed Dec 23 00:31:04 +0000 2015
"They Are Not What They Appear:" Team of Former Programmers Announces Campaign to Rid Earth of All Computers, "Before It's Too Late"
Tue Dec 22 23:25:09 +0000 2015
unlicensed dragon attempting to log in to moon.
— @restartthevoid
Tue Dec 22 21:11:17 +0000 2015
Brunei bans Black Ops celebrations in public, including wearing Santa hats
— @TwoHeadlines
Tue Dec 22 21:08:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Well, the far-reaching tentacles of the forgotten-yet-undying High Priest Rh'kha do have a lot to offer.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Dec 22 19:20:24 +0000 2015
Sources: Obama, Arch-Ambassador Haeresta Sarmangan IIX to Discuss Extradition Treaty in D.C. During Festival of the Wastes
Tue Dec 22 17:13:20 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Warns Hidden Empire of Distant Seas Any Extradition Treaty With US Could Jeopardize "The Melancholy of Life"
Tue Dec 22 17:05:58 +0000 2015
Hidden Empire of the Distant Seas To Negotiate Extradition Treaty With US
Tue Dec 22 17:04:39 +0000 2015
"I Am The Fear You Hide Within You," "I Am The Terror You Can Never Escape:" Trump Rises in Polls After Wisconsin Campaign Stop
Tue Dec 22 03:05:57 +0000 2015
RELATED: High School Teacher Convicted of Teaching Fictitious Math Sentenced to "Eleventy Squillion" Years In Prison
Tue Dec 22 00:36:52 +0000 2015
Professor Convicted of Teaching Illegal Math, Sentenced to 3+7i Years in Prison
Tue Dec 22 00:16:35 +0000 2015
Florida Man Accused of Triple Homicide Pleads Artistic License
Mon Dec 21 21:19:35 +0000 2015
EFF Challenges Despair, Inc.'s Copyright on ":-(" Emoticon
Mon Dec 21 21:18:24 +0000 2015
A goose lays an egg. The afternoon hatches from it.
— @MagicRealismBot
Mon Dec 21 19:41:10 +0000 2015
Obama: "More Americans" Must "Die Needlessly" to "Fulfill The Contract"
Mon Dec 21 16:11:52 +0000 2015
Florida Men Arrested for Impersonating Monks of the Bronze Mask Charged With Blood Crimes
Mon Dec 21 05:13:25 +0000 2015
ISIL is recruiting your gradeschooler over Minecraft
— @timescanner
Sun Dec 20 19:06:04 +0000 2015
Florida Teen Mauled by Bagel
Sun Dec 20 19:05:09 +0000 2015
Forensics Team: Florida Man Was "Easy To Identify, Because Of All The Blood"
Sun Dec 20 04:38:56 +0000 2015
"It's Kinda Gross:" Florida Man Found "Smeared All Over," "Just Sort of Everywhere"
Sun Dec 20 04:36:36 +0000 2015
Apple Announces New "Fearbuds"
Sat Dec 19 22:29:21 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: America's Greatest Challenge "Cybersluts"
Sat Dec 19 21:27:08 +0000 2015
Today's warlock problems solved tomorrow. https://t.co/N6mPJgVuoY
— @TVCommentBot
Sat Dec 19 18:10:08 +0000 2015
Capitalist henchmen. The secret lair wizard melts in your mouth, not in your hand. https://t.co/XSkAaVQ4Zd
— @TVCommentBot
Sat Dec 19 18:09:59 +0000 2015
Trump Attacked by Hundreds of Eagles During Campaign Speech
Sat Dec 19 18:04:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/sNoQkszXbX
— @equinoxmaster99
Sat Dec 19 03:38:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/U6L0VPgoF9
— @khymchanur
Sat Dec 19 03:38:03 +0000 2015
After Evidence Mounts, DHS Admits to Commissioning, Publishing "Hipster Manifesto"
Sat Dec 19 01:03:44 +0000 2015
Pope Francis Affirms: Marriage Is Totally Disgusting
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Dec 19 00:11:28 +0000 2015
Obama's "Controversial" Comments on Folk Musicians Draw Criticism From Both Sides https://t.co/7efjfFvjnH
Fri Dec 18 22:52:28 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/HRJCuOfYUl
— @SkyePlaysGames
Fri Dec 18 18:08:39 +0000 2015
Cc @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/IZTLcY0XJR
— @ExpedientTurnip
Fri Dec 18 08:52:46 +0000 2015
NASA: "Alarming" Golden Light Shining From Hole in Moon Being Dug by GOP Primary Candidate Ben Carson
Fri Dec 18 08:43:03 +0000 2015
Your Thoughts Can Make You Look Stupid. From Space.
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Dec 18 08:11:29 +0000 2015
WANTED: Seven Classically-Trained Actors For Rites of Abatement; Must Speak Korean, Spanish, & Danish
Thu Dec 17 19:42:17 +0000 2015
4 Florida Men Arrested Impersonating Monks of the Bronze Mask for Free Air Travel
Thu Dec 17 19:41:12 +0000 2015
Moon Experts Warn Carson's Lunar Excavations "May Wake Many Who Should Remain Sleeping"
Thu Dec 17 06:38:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
NASA Reports Ben Carson "Fully Submerged" In Lunar Regolith, Continuing To Dig Into Surface of Moon
Thu Dec 17 06:36:27 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ADVISORY https://t.co/XbIJHMUVHn
Thu Dec 17 03:05:53 +0000 2015
One of Saturn's moons is covered in blood-red streaks and no one knows what they are. https://t.co/Jq6PCaGXCU By @nadiamdrake
— @edyong209
Thu Dec 17 01:05:07 +0000 2015
A queen owns a stained-glass window which depicts every act of defecation by a high school teacher.
— @MagicRealismBot
Wed Dec 16 23:05:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
NASA Confirms Carson Has Returned to Moon, Slowly Digging Hole in Lunar Regolith With Bare Hands
Wed Dec 16 06:52:51 +0000 2015
Standing Atop Pile of Bear Corpses, Soaked in Blood, Remaining Candidates Shake Hands, Flee Into Night
Wed Dec 16 06:47:15 +0000 2015
After Hour-Long Battle, Remaining Candidates at #GOPDebate Emerge Victorious Over Bears
Wed Dec 16 06:46:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Fiorina's Ancient Magicks Puts Nation in Danger of Papal Attack
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 16 05:47:52 +0000 2015
"I Saved Us All, You Ungrateful Little Man:" Blood-Drenched, Howling Fiorina Attacks Bush With Detached Bear Leg
Wed Dec 16 05:47:38 +0000 2015
Bush: "We Can't Trust A Woman Who Doesn't Even Know Ancient Magicks Always Attract Angry Bears To Run The Greatest Country on Earth"
Wed Dec 16 05:44:09 +0000 2015
Bush Blames Fiorina For Bear Attack: "Don't You Know Ancient Magicks Attract Bears?"
Wed Dec 16 05:42:14 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
#GOPDebate Assailed By Dozens of Enraged Bears
Wed Dec 16 05:41:27 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
That Information Is Classified https://t.co/hplh8l2mod
Wed Dec 16 05:27:43 +0000 2015
As #GOPDebate Venue Collapses, Fiorina Shields Remaining Candidates From Destruction Through Ancient Magicks
Wed Dec 16 05:20:47 +0000 2015
Trump Calls Clinton "Stone Hoarder," "Obama Lackey;" Flees #GOPDebate With Clinton, Underbeasts in Pursuit
Wed Dec 16 05:08:27 +0000 2015
"You Will Not Have The Claw:" Clinton Challenges Trump To Single Combat As #GOPDebate Venue Begins Crumbling
Wed Dec 16 05:05:44 +0000 2015
Audience Fleeing #GOPDebate As Underbeasts Begin Swarming, Swallowing Key Structural Supports
Wed Dec 16 05:04:43 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Hillary Clinton Bursts Through #GOPDebate Venue Floor Atop Ancient Underbeast, Brandishing Flaming Sword
Wed Dec 16 05:03:51 +0000 2015
"Put Him Down, Donald," "Can't You See He's Already Part Of The Sky:" Bush Defends Carson From Trump's Accusations
Wed Dec 16 05:02:20 +0000 2015
Eyes Glowing Red, Foaming At Mouth, Trump Lifts Carson Over His Head: "I Will Have The Claw," "You Will Not Deny Me"
Wed Dec 16 04:59:21 +0000 2015
Astronomers in Audience Report Constellation in Shape of Ted Cruz Has Appeared in Canopy of Stars that Replaced Debate Venue Ceiling
Wed Dec 16 04:58:22 +0000 2015
Fiorina: "America Must Dig A Hole," "We Must Start Now, Before It Is Too Late"
Wed Dec 16 04:57:02 +0000 2015
"What Did You Tell Her, What Did You Fucking Tell Her:" Trump Shouting at Carson as Carson Stares Blissfully Into Canopy of Stars Overhead
Wed Dec 16 04:55:43 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate Venue Begins Shaking Violently; Screaming Donald Trump Bodily Tackles Ben Carson
Wed Dec 16 04:54:04 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Rand Paul Bitcoin Speech Finally Halted As Fiorina Forces Tatters of Ben Carson's Suit Down Paul's Throat
Wed Dec 16 04:51:37 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Kasich Methodically Placing Dozens of Banana Peels Around Podiums
Wed Dec 16 04:47:45 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Trump Severs Paul's Leg With Hacksaw, Begins Gnawing It Desperately As Paul Continues Impromptu Speech
Wed Dec 16 04:45:54 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
9/10 Loyal Citizens Recommend Approved News 6 https://t.co/keCK3JetRD
Wed Dec 16 04:44:41 +0000 2015
Trump: "Shut Up, Just Shut Up;" "One Day I'm Going To Put You All In Little Cages"
Wed Dec 16 04:43:35 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Rand Paul Interrupts Trump, Begins Yelling Enthuasiastically About Bitcoin
Wed Dec 16 04:42:44 +0000 2015
"God, Why Me, Why Did I Have To See What You Showed Me:" Jeb Bush Sinks to Knees Weeping, Clawing At Own Eyes
Wed Dec 16 04:40:04 +0000 2015
Jeb Bush Criticizes Trump For "Intemperate" Remarks: "You Don't Know What's Down In The Void," "I've Been There, I've Seen It, Seen It All"
Wed Dec 16 04:39:08 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Kasich Wades Into Audience, Begins Handing Out Exploding Cigars, "Giggling Madly"
Wed Dec 16 04:37:28 +0000 2015
Fiorina: "I Will Personally Sink Wisconsin"
Wed Dec 16 04:34:55 +0000 2015
Trump: "Shoot Him Now," "Put Him Down Before It's Too Late," "Why Are You Idiots Just Standing There"
Wed Dec 16 04:34:20 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
#GOPDebate Venue Ceiling "Fading Away" To Reveal Vast Panoply of Stars; Carson Gazing Wistfully Upwards
Wed Dec 16 04:33:49 +0000 2015
Marco Rubio: "We Must Stop Kinkshaming The Middle Class"
Wed Dec 16 04:32:27 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Trump Accuses Carson of "Lunar Derangement," Demands Tranquilizer Rifle
Wed Dec 16 04:30:43 +0000 2015
Carson Criticizes Fiorina For Planned NASA Cuts: "They Must Take Us All To The Moon," "It Will Be So Much Better There"
Wed Dec 16 04:30:04 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Ted Cruz Floats Through Ceiling of GOP Debate Venue "As Though It Were Not There"
Wed Dec 16 04:26:35 +0000 2015
Ben Carson: "Return Me To The Moon," "The Moon Is Where I Belong"
Wed Dec 16 04:25:29 +0000 2015
All GOP Debate Feeds Interrupted by Single Grainy Frame of Mitt Romney Putting Finger to Bloodied Lips, Glaring Furiously
Wed Dec 16 04:24:31 +0000 2015
"It's So Beautiful, It Is All So Beautiful," "Why Could I Not See Before:" Ted Cruz Surrounded By "Splendid Golden Light," Gently Levitating
Wed Dec 16 04:19:59 +0000 2015
GOP DEBATE: Cruz Kneeling, Weeping As Fiorina Wrestles Carson To Floor, Screaming Rites of Abatement
Wed Dec 16 04:17:53 +0000 2015
EXPERTS: https://t.co/WX00Na36SI
Wed Dec 16 04:00:01 +0000 2015
Political Tip: Ted Cruz's species paralyzes its victims before laying its eggs in them. #GOPDebate
— @strangetip
Wed Dec 16 03:55:30 +0000 2015
Trump Slams Fiorina For "Contempt" for Infrastructure: "If All The Bridges Come Down, How Are We Gonna Get All Those People Into Camps?"
Wed Dec 16 03:16:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ewbPUBOwaq
— @rabcyr
Wed Dec 16 03:11:23 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/QtPAwRp34Y
— @rabcyr
Wed Dec 16 00:48:37 +0000 2015
Snail freed from trailing-plant prison—now moves freely, incorporeally through all biological matter.
— @TheStrangeLog
Tue Dec 15 20:34:47 +0000 2015
MIT Department of Seismolinguistics Reports "Terrible New Messages" Encoded in Recent Earthquakes
Tue Dec 15 06:57:08 +0000 2015
Silicon Valley Tech Leaders Plan To "Disrupt Democracy"
Mon Dec 14 22:15:03 +0000 2015
How Humblebragging Shows We're Post-Freedom
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Dec 14 22:11:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/FejKMKBiFA
— @equinoxmaster99
Mon Dec 14 22:11:06 +0000 2015
Gov. Larry Hogan says the state will provide every possible assistance to help rebuild the Annapolis Yacht Club. https://t.co/egX6oIWYkS
— @APBrianWitte
Mon Dec 14 19:02:39 +0000 2015
Belgium Now Has a Radical New Plan: A Free Popcorn Voucher
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Dec 14 09:14:08 +0000 2015
Bag of Ants Publishes Memoir of Time as Director of American Family Council
Mon Dec 14 00:25:10 +0000 2015
Joint Christmas Defense Force Arch-General Horace the Undying Warns North Pole May Attempt to Transmit "Deadly Cognitohazards" Christmas Day
Sun Dec 13 21:30:06 +0000 2015
Citing Last Year's "Disaster," Obama Begins "Early Planning" to Hand Over Control of US Nuclear Stockpile to Joint Christmas Defense Force
Sun Dec 13 21:27:51 +0000 2015
PoleWatch, Ad Council Release New Christmas Advisory Poster https://t.co/EJAI44VFnW
Sun Dec 13 21:05:25 +0000 2015
Experts: Leading Cause of Death in Europe "Banach-Tarski Paradox"
Sun Dec 13 20:40:58 +0000 2015
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: 7 Exciting New Kinds of Euthanasia You Didn't Know You Might Experience Without Warning
Sun Dec 13 20:36:17 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Generosity To Bring You Consistent
REDACTED
https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Sun Dec 13 20:34:46 +0000 2015
Clinton: "If Elected, I Will Build A Mighty Tower"
Sun Dec 13 20:34:05 +0000 2015
Questioned by High-Speed Laser Link, Carson Insistently Whispers Names of Prominent War Criminals "Over And Over"
Sun Dec 13 20:31:41 +0000 2015
Extensive Search Locates Ben Carson On Moon, Writing "Secrets" in Lunar Regolith
Sun Dec 13 20:29:13 +0000 2015
Pressed on Immigration Stance, Trump Pronounces Seven Terrible Words, Worms Begin Pouring From Every Human Orifice in Room
Sun Dec 13 20:25:32 +0000 2015
Kansas Senate Refuses to Censure Kansas City Object: "It Is Beyond Even Our Power"
Sun Dec 13 20:23:18 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
All Reporters Turned to Dust By Obama Arrive Home "Safe & Sound," Unable To Explain Where They Had Been
Sun Dec 13 20:22:23 +0000 2015
At Surprise Press Conference, Obama Accuses Reporters of "Stealing
His
Power," Turns All Present To Dust
Sun Dec 13 20:21:42 +0000 2015
RELATED: Kansas Democrats Lodge Petition For Senate To Censure Kansas City Object
Sun Dec 13 20:16:06 +0000 2015
"The Kansas City Object Is Our Future:" Kansas Republicans Mass To "Defend" Object, Gripping Automatic Rifles, Eyes Gently Glowing
Sun Dec 13 20:15:13 +0000 2015
After election win, Taylor Swift gets to work cleaning up Myanmar
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Dec 13 20:08:32 +0000 2015
Citing "The Twisted Men," More And More Americans Opting for Terror-Gland Implants
Sun Dec 13 10:20:17 +0000 2015
Birds Fall From Sky As Third Sigil Manifests Upon Kansas City Object
Sun Dec 13 10:16:27 +0000 2015
Alabama to Reintroduce Public Drowning, Strangling
Sun Dec 13 09:19:49 +0000 2015
23 Sex Habits That Will Help This Sad Man Escape His Sinking Kayak
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Dec 13 09:18:55 +0000 2015
Visibly Intoxicated St. Claudine Michaelides Gives Rambling Speech From Atop Police Car to Crowd of Sleeping Homeless People, Pigeons
Sun Dec 13 09:14:56 +0000 2015
Judge Admits He Paid Part of St. Michaelides' Bail: "Please Can She Just Be Somebody Else's Problem For A While"
Sun Dec 13 09:13:07 +0000 2015
Judge: Bail Originally Set At $10, Lowered to $8 After Massive International Letter-Writing Campaign, Demands from Lawyers
Sun Dec 13 09:10:09 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Released on Bail
Sun Dec 13 09:08:44 +0000 2015
COMMENT IS FREE: Vape-Shaming: The Real Oppression Facing Ex-Presidents
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Dec 13 01:11:18 +0000 2015
READ This: The Spooktacular Origins of Heterosexuality
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Dec 13 01:10:44 +0000 2015
Microsoft to Equip Drones With Nets
— @TwoHeadlines
Sat Dec 12 19:08:35 +0000 2015
Peruvian Bloodmonkeys Invade Mainland For First Time Since 1993
Sat Dec 12 07:56:58 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: We Ask Fashion Experts What They Think of Iran Nuclear Deal, Only On Approved News 6
Sat Dec 12 07:54:38 +0000 2015
How Sleep Apnea Will Save The American Dream
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Dec 12 07:50:11 +0000 2015
We're Approaching Women Not Smiling All Wrong & How To Use Frisbees To Fix It
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Dec 12 07:49:54 +0000 2015
Florida Man: "I Demand That I Be Held Accountable" for "My Unacceptable Disregard for My Civil Liberties"
Sat Dec 12 07:48:33 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Florida Man Sues Self for False Arrest
Sat Dec 12 07:46:03 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrests Self
Sat Dec 12 07:45:35 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: "Thought," "Behavior" May Be Signs of "Crime" in Teens
Sat Dec 12 02:09:25 +0000 2015
Teens Blowing Each Other Survive
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Dec 11 07:13:06 +0000 2015
Cisphobia: The Real Oppression Facing Tenured Professors
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Dec 11 05:45:20 +0000 2015
HELL CONFIRMED FROZEN OVER: All-White Jury Convicts Cop of Rape; Witnesses Report Trees Nationwide "Suddenly Blooming," "Music From On High"
Fri Dec 11 03:14:47 +0000 2015
Fog tonight in the valley. The Bureau asks residents to avoid doors and windows. Ignore the music you hear. It is only the fog, dreaming.
— @MagicWeather
Fri Dec 11 00:59:29 +0000 2015
Some properties have a leasing office. My buddy lives in a place with a leasing pyramid. (cc: @ApprovedNews6 ) https://t.co/2lGKSuL8Ek
— @toddderscheid
Thu Dec 10 20:42:27 +0000 2015
A sociologist discovers that an emerald is controlling his destiny.
— @MagicRealismBot
Thu Dec 10 17:02:10 +0000 2015
Judicial Tip: Justice Scalia's secret hobby is raising people for meat.
— @strangetip
Thu Dec 10 05:20:55 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
BitCoin Creator Identified, Found to be Small, Excitable Bird
Wed Dec 09 17:03:06 +0000 2015
Experts: "Almost Certainly" https://t.co/S6K3TmOtQP
Wed Dec 09 06:13:32 +0000 2015
Dept. of Interior to Cut Funding For Men in Top Hats Who Throw Selves Atop Passing Cars, Scream At You To Brush Your Teeth More Often
Tue Dec 08 20:54:51 +0000 2015
New Study Shows 30% of Americans "Worship At The Font of All Darkness"
Tue Dec 08 20:18:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @TheBoundWatcher Hey, at least the cults are prepared.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Dec 08 20:01:42 +0000 2015
"It's Clear Mistakes Were Made:" Mayor of Detroit Apologizes For "The Noise"
Tue Dec 08 20:00:32 +0000 2015
Americans Express "Dismay" At "Continued Scapegoating" of Apocalyptic Cults https://t.co/F4Ai2Thv7K
Tue Dec 08 19:59:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 They can keep Naples
— @triton_moon
Tue Dec 08 19:58:34 +0000 2015
Nation learns of Judith Collins' reappointment through dead ravens on their lawn, darkening skies: https://t.co/SrOo4PSpPl
— @TheCivilianNZ
Tue Dec 08 19:58:17 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/avgCDWXRr6
— @equinoxmaster99
Tue Dec 08 19:57:43 +0000 2015
Security Update for Microsoft Windows DNS to Address Mysterious Clawmarks and Uncontrollable Bleeding
— @Nullsleep
Tue Dec 08 19:57:36 +0000 2015
Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler Implicated in South South Florida Coup
Tue Dec 08 06:28:53 +0000 2015
"I'll Wring Their Fucking Necks:" South Florida President Tyler Jared Winthrop Promises "Hard Line" on "Traitorous" South South Floridians
Tue Dec 08 06:20:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 They want to replace Florida's existing official crime of "wielding a katana while naked and in a school zone"?. NO THANKS.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Tue Dec 08 06:18:40 +0000 2015
South South Florida Secedes From Republic of South Florida
Tue Dec 08 06:17:50 +0000 2015
CA State Police Commissioner: Punishment Collars "Versatile," "Deliciously Unpredictable" Alternative to Fines
Tue Dec 08 06:16:31 +0000 2015
California State Police to Replace Lower Traffic Fines With "Punishment Collars"
Tue Dec 08 06:14:07 +0000 2015
Florida Legislature To Debate Bill Naming Armed Robbery "Official State Crime"
Tue Dec 08 06:12:19 +0000 2015
Census Records Indicate "More Than Seven" People Survived "The Smiling Men With Hatchets" https://t.co/ULvk5P9Wl9
Tue Dec 08 06:07:51 +0000 2015
Veterinarians: Cats Exhibiting Acute Unreality, Causal Disconnection May Be Suffering From Lack of Protein in Diet https://t.co/i1sfnh5fS2
Tue Dec 08 06:05:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Q48ERLYoSV
— @equinoxmaster99
Tue Dec 08 06:01:55 +0000 2015
"It's Gotten Totally Out of Control:" Sleepless Detroit Residents Assemble In Front of City Hall to Protest "the Noise"
Tue Dec 08 05:49:53 +0000 2015
We Know What Millennials Don't About Dungeons and Dragons
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Dec 07 16:06:08 +0000 2015
rare photo of the leader of the kittyluminati https://t.co/NHz6TmZZ1i
— @joe_no_body
Mon Dec 07 15:59:32 +0000 2015
Crime Scientists Call for "Prompt Investigation" https://t.co/1iptWgo7fJ
Mon Dec 07 10:52:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "few survivors" "an orgy of blood-drenched ichor"
— @Dracostian
Mon Dec 07 00:25:46 +0000 2015
Ken Burns Announces Upcoming New Documentary on "Plight" of "The Legally Subhuman"
Sun Dec 06 23:45:57 +0000 2015
Daniel Ellsberg: "It Is Patently Obvious" @ApprovedNews7 "Is Nothing More Than A Mouthpiece of the Department of Homeland Security"
Sun Dec 06 23:38:24 +0000 2015
Experts: "Yes" https://t.co/VwadoQpNHy
Sun Dec 06 23:30:21 +0000 2015
Crime Vampire Infestation Discovered in Kansas
Sun Dec 06 23:26:00 +0000 2015
Crime Vampire Infestation Discovered in Kansas
Sun Dec 06 23:26:00 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Visit your local circle of standing stones today!
— @pvlstaven
Sun Dec 06 18:43:55 +0000 2015
SPONSORED https://t.co/8PWwFG8e7W
Sun Dec 06 18:22:38 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Sun Dec 06 17:53:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 #graphicdesign https://t.co/3XLQICfB1q
— @JackColour
Sun Dec 06 17:51:09 +0000 2015
A pope builds an enormous cathedral and fills it with cockroaches.
— @MagicRealismBot
Sun Dec 06 16:12:15 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Victims of Faceless Children Surrounding Senate, Linking Arms to Form "Most Terrible Sigil"
Sat Dec 05 13:09:16 +0000 2015
Swarm of Bibliodons Seen Circling High Above White House, Shrieking In The Wind
Sat Dec 05 12:55:27 +0000 2015
"Details Forthcoming:" "Urgent" Recall Order Issued for Monsanto "Goat 2.0"
Sat Dec 05 12:45:54 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: Victims of the Great Northern Leech Tell Their Story, Only on Approved News 6
Sat Dec 05 12:44:36 +0000 2015
NSA Fearsmith Supreme Spends Entire "Emergency Press Conference" Pointing Vaguely Into Press Pool, Whispering "He Did It," "It's His Fault"
Sat Dec 05 12:42:38 +0000 2015
Small-Town Texas Hivemind Refuses to Answer Questions About Strange Iron Pillars Under Construction in City Center
Sat Dec 05 12:40:00 +0000 2015
Microsoft Announces 7 "Brand New" Downloadable Emotions
Sat Dec 05 12:34:13 +0000 2015
Obama Appoints New Cybersmith
Sat Dec 05 12:21:06 +0000 2015
Controversial New Legislation Would Require Women Seeking Abortions to First Obtain Medical Degree
Sat Dec 05 01:06:11 +0000 2015
"Just Get Her Away From Me:" Judge in St. Michaelides Case Sets Bail At $10
Sat Dec 05 00:23:32 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 We will be starting a bail out/get out of the country fund forthwith.
— @ladyjax
Sat Dec 05 00:22:30 +0000 2015
.@hypervoid You Might be a Doctor and Not Know It! Take Our Quiz to Find Out!
— @atonal440
Sat Dec 05 00:01:56 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Indicted After D.C. Bar Brawl
Fri Dec 04 23:50:42 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
News Feasts "Must Not Be Confused With" News Beasts, As Doing So May Result In Excruciating
REDACTED
Fri Dec 04 23:47:06 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Contributions From Viewers Like You To
REDACTED
News Feasts https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Fri Dec 04 23:45:12 +0000 2015
California Names "Listless Shambling" Official State Sport
Fri Dec 04 22:21:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 California Adopts "A Terrible Mistake" As The State's Official Regret
— @khymchanur
Fri Dec 04 22:18:08 +0000 2015
Florida Man Crawls Under Cracker Barrel Bathroom Stall to Ask 79-Year-Old Woman to Have Sex With Him https://t.co/LahNXHAFAq
— @_FloridaMan
Fri Dec 04 22:16:40 +0000 2015
19-Year-Old American Woman Charged With Criticism
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Dec 04 00:17:41 +0000 2015
Conservative Commentators Condemn "Exploitative" African Governments For "Appropriating White Culture"
Thu Dec 03 23:34:55 +0000 2015
EDITORIAL: Feminism Is Kinkshaming, And Here's Why
Thu Dec 03 23:31:18 +0000 2015
American Woe Council: Americans "Spend Much Too Little Time" Quietly Weeping At "Futility of Existence"
Thu Dec 03 02:41:38 +0000 2015
SPONSORED https://t.co/g741a3LjHz
Thu Dec 03 02:27:44 +0000 2015
D.C.: Victims of Faceless Children Stabbings Begin "Rising From The Streets;" "Shedding Their Surplus Flesh"
Thu Dec 03 02:26:39 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Daggers Carried by Horde of Faceless Children "Are Not Made Of Bone:" "It Is Something Much Worse"
Thu Dec 03 02:24:39 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Horde of Faceless Children Marching on D.C. Begins "Methodically Stabbing" Seemingly Unfazed Bystanders
Thu Dec 03 02:23:43 +0000 2015
Obama Calls on Horde of Faceless Children to "Remain Peaceful," Show "Moderation;" Vanishes into Massive Flock of Shrieking Blood-Red Ravens
Thu Dec 03 02:20:29 +0000 2015
"We Stand With The Horde of Faceless Children:" Congressional Republicans Hold Press Conference, Faces Covered in Ancient Sigils
Thu Dec 03 02:17:29 +0000 2015
Horde of Faceless Children Marches on D.C., Issuing Demands in Incomprehensible Language
Thu Dec 03 02:13:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 EXPERTS: https://t.co/iwGrtAvG4j
— @_ardeej
Thu Dec 03 02:11:59 +0000 2015
Are Youths Getting High On High Blood Pressure?
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Dec 01 08:11:41 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Claims Responsibility for Spree of Deadly Terrorist Attacks
Tue Dec 01 07:18:21 +0000 2015
New Cosmological Model Predicts Waking of the Great Golden Beast Could Occur "By Lunchtime Next Monday"
Tue Dec 01 07:10:36 +0000 2015
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: Clever Men in Tweed Suits, Bowler Hats "Cannot Be Permitted" to Enter The Old Forest
Tue Dec 01 07:09:33 +0000 2015
Clever Man in Tweed Suit, Bowler Hat Sighted Approaching D.C.; Obama Mobilizes Army
Tue Dec 01 07:06:57 +0000 2015
"An Unacceptably Low Return for Our Investment:" Illuminati Apologizes for "Poor Planning" of Tornado that Killed 700 People
Tue Dec 01 07:05:34 +0000 2015
"The Joy of Flensing:" New Reality Show Aims to Encourage Pain Cult Membership
Tue Dec 01 07:02:06 +0000 2015
"Do Not Mistake This Form For Human:" Trump Quashes "Hopeful Speculation" Among Supporters He Might Be Hitler Clone
Tue Dec 01 06:59:41 +0000 2015
Experts: "There Can Be No Mercy"
Tue Dec 01 06:57:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/ArWALPckSH
— @rabcyr
Tue Dec 01 06:56:33 +0000 2015
[You should also pony up fat stacks of fat stacks of cash for AN6 to keep it on the airwaves. Worth it, I promise.] https://t.co/AYTFbMcuog
— @toddderscheid
Tue Dec 01 06:56:20 +0000 2015
Why I Hate Moon Lawyers
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Dec 01 04:11:22 +0000 2015
Instead of Arresting a Suspect, This Cop Decided to Reinvent the Bicycle
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Dec 01 04:10:26 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
If Every Viewer Gave $1 Each Month, The Eel-Men Would Stop Kidnapping Your Children https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Mon Nov 30 20:56:13 +0000 2015
Scientists announced today that they've parsed the entire possibility tree of the universe and absolutely confirmed there is no happy ending
— @Nullsleep
Mon Nov 30 13:58:04 +0000 2015
Glenn Beck: "All Americans" Must "Walk Backwards on Tuesdays" to "Defeat the Eel Prince"
Mon Nov 30 09:57:59 +0000 2015
"They Made Us Forget:" Reporter Demands Answers on Missing Vice President
Mon Nov 30 09:57:16 +0000 2015
Disposable Planets "Wasteful," Say Ecologists
Sun Nov 29 21:58:40 +0000 2015
EDITORIAL: Approved News 6 Must Stop Kidnapping Innocent Civilians & Beating Us Until We Agree to Write Editorials, Letters to Editor
Sun Nov 29 10:00:54 +0000 2015
All Copies of Popular Children's Book "In The Boudoir of the Mold Queen" Vanish; Publisher Accused of Bone Heresy
Sun Nov 29 01:45:35 +0000 2015
Florida Man Paints Donald Trump's Campaign Slogan on Elephant (via @TalKopan) https://t.co/jIFZF7j58h
— @_FloridaMan
Sat Nov 28 18:16:55 +0000 2015
Obama Appoints New Secretary of Bullshit
Fri Nov 27 07:34:04 +0000 2015
Trump: "Let The Slaughter Commence"
Thu Nov 26 18:42:19 +0000 2015
Obama Calls on Americans to "Wallow in the Blood of the Innocent" After Ceremonial Beheading of White House Turkey
Thu Nov 26 18:09:59 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/KKXzYKH9ft
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 26 07:50:10 +0000 2015
New Study: Afterlife "Excessively Muddy," Marred by "Inclement Weather"
Thu Nov 26 02:58:07 +0000 2015
Pressed for Details, NASA Spokesman Makes Farting Noises While Men in Reflective Vests Throw Trash At Reporters
Thu Nov 26 02:57:06 +0000 2015
NASA Announces "Ambitious" 20-Year Plan To Fill Entire Solar System With Garbage "To A Uniform Density"
Thu Nov 26 02:54:28 +0000 2015
A NATION IN MOURNING: Germaine J. Breakfast, Inventor of Breakfast, Dies at 87
Wed Nov 25 20:01:02 +0000 2015
New Study: American Mercy Killing Squads "Relatively Untrained," "Unskilled" By International Standards
Wed Nov 25 08:37:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Clever Man in Tweed Suit Seen Peacefully Coexisting with Police https://t.co/BxwtskZvkL
— @_ardeej
Mon Nov 23 20:16:28 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Teens "Getting High On Trauma"
Mon Nov 23 06:24:56 +0000 2015
US Treasury Introduces "Reverse Money"
Mon Nov 23 05:04:20 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Call Emergency Press Conference https://t.co/UAqbaPJKSU
Sun Nov 22 23:13:41 +0000 2015
Cc .@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/2nehgmHMy4
— @ExpedientTurnip
Sun Nov 22 04:01:46 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Call For Mandatory Government Pain Implants
Sat Nov 21 18:51:31 +0000 2015
the morning press editorial columns are downplaying last night's surprise UN Security Council vote in favour of banning liquids
— @botandy
Sat Nov 21 07:42:30 +0000 2015
Millennials Are Disrespectful, Says Cisgender Ex-President
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Nov 21 04:11:14 +0000 2015
Obama Reassures Americans Any Refugees Fleeing ISIS Will Be Forced To Endure 700 "Traditional Humiliations"
Sat Nov 21 02:59:46 +0000 2015
Study: Most Popular 2015 Child Names "Burger," "Microsoft"
Sat Nov 21 02:49:26 +0000 2015
Pressed on "Controversial" Opinions, Trump Reaffirms Necessity of Abortion for "Racial Purity," "Quality of Snacks" https://t.co/Yp11wOFe5Z
Sat Nov 21 00:53:27 +0000 2015
Trump: "I Support" Forced Abortions in All Cases Where Resulting Children May Be "Non-Nutritious"
Sat Nov 21 00:50:40 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT https://t.co/LZ2kTebijX
Sat Nov 21 00:15:44 +0000 2015
Culinary Tip: Pinecones are not a good basis for a balanced diet.
— @strangetip
Fri Nov 20 23:08:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/TkM3cHXoLK
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 20 23:06:26 +0000 2015
"Naked man who wanted to recharge himself with the force of Lenin detained on Red Square" https://t.co/AnDGYP3QYt
— @ASLuhn
Fri Nov 20 09:57:41 +0000 2015
FBI: "Dozens" of Insurance Mascots Arrested in Connection With "Horrific, Sickening" Ritual Murders Carried Out From 1999-2014
Fri Nov 20 07:03:31 +0000 2015
GEICO Gecko Implicated in "Ghastly" Ritual Murder Spree
Fri Nov 20 07:00:45 +0000 2015
Americans United for Pain Calls for Expansion to Federal Mutilation Programs
Fri Nov 20 06:56:20 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I'd say 'He's finally found someone perfect for him', but I don't want to insult the Bag of Wasps.
— @AkashicWater
Fri Nov 20 06:42:17 +0000 2015
Trump Announces Marriage to Bag of Wasps
Fri Nov 20 06:15:52 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Donating to Approved News 6 May Offer Some Small Degree of Protection From News Hounds https://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Thu Nov 19 23:56:38 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/41CDfcyT4l
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 19 23:53:57 +0000 2015
Critically important #PSA: Because of the lower gravity, moon spiders can grow as big as a car.
— @mikedoherty_ca
Thu Nov 19 09:03:50 +0000 2015
Hundreds of DVDs Unearthed in Ancient Burial Site
Thu Nov 19 06:55:56 +0000 2015
Hot Naked Men Found in Connecticut River
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Nov 19 06:11:19 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Clever Man in Tweed Suit Makes "Canny Quip" to Police Officers; Hundreds Believed Dead; Area Evacuated Due to Radiation Levels
Thu Nov 19 06:07:56 +0000 2015
chickens? Watch out
— @NYTMinusContext
Wed Nov 18 19:17:24 +0000 2015
Senators: Bloodspires Will Bring "Thousands of Jobs" Back To America
Wed Nov 18 18:23:04 +0000 2015
Today's weather will be chilly and bright. It will remind you of dying. It will be empty of song. But the sun. Oh, the sun.
— @MagicWeather
Wed Nov 18 18:02:34 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Clever Man in Tweed Suit & Bowler Hat Engages Texas State Police In "Delightful Conversation;" Three Cities Evacuated
Wed Nov 18 09:09:01 +0000 2015
Communist Doom Brigades of North America Release "Twitter Banner Picture" https://t.co/hcfUOGSdod
Wed Nov 18 08:56:40 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents: "Sharing Is Caring, And Caring Is A Cardinal Sin"
— @_ardeej
Wed Nov 18 08:54:43 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Encourage "Patriotic Citizens" To Beware "Communist Doom Brigades" https://t.co/TWgt5oAbur
Wed Nov 18 08:31:18 +0000 2015
Scientists say Uranus might be full of surprises https://t.co/AGXGV8PVEA
— @morganastra
Wed Nov 18 06:37:18 +0000 2015
Men Taking Up Space in the Woods at Night and Inviting You to Code
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Nov 18 06:11:09 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/VPJ33c9BN1
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 18 03:51:40 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 The UK Chancellor's National Spider Plan https://t.co/5ZtihdqSbY
— @insomniacity
Wed Nov 18 03:51:34 +0000 2015
Are Selfie Sticks Why Millennials Can't Spread Democracy?
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Nov 17 15:52:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 They'll be wishing that's all he had connections to.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Nov 17 15:46:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Not in my back yard! Honestly, isn’t it already noisy enough with all the howling and screaming?
— @insomniacity
Tue Nov 17 15:46:08 +0000 2015
Jim Webb Promises "A Sex Dungeon In Every Home"
Tue Nov 17 08:52:00 +0000 2015
Clinton: "I Will Always Have Been President"
Tue Nov 17 08:46:46 +0000 2015
Trump Demands "The Poor" Be Fed "Nutrient Slurry" Until They Are "Plump And Juicy"
Tue Nov 17 08:45:31 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Condemn "Infosluts"
Tue Nov 17 08:42:50 +0000 2015
FBI Warns Clever Men in Tweed Suits, Bowler Hats May Have "Connections" to Tricky Witches
Tue Nov 17 08:40:38 +0000 2015
City Officials: If Approached By Clever Man in Tweed Suit & Bowler Hat, Citizens Should "Remain Calm," Recite "Hymn of the Sightless Worms"
Tue Nov 17 08:39:28 +0000 2015
Clever Man in Tweed Suit & Bowler Hat Sighted in Atlanta, GA; City Put on Lockdown
Tue Nov 17 08:37:58 +0000 2015
Sources: "Never" https://t.co/xcTgzIHLiF
Tue Nov 17 05:43:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 The Authorities have always hungered. The Authorities will always hunger. The Authorities shall never stop hungering.
— @themarevas
Tue Nov 17 04:33:20 +0000 2015
Amtrak Announces New Train Line to Run Through "The Dark Place"
Tue Nov 17 04:27:06 +0000 2015
Authorities Announce They Hunger
Tue Nov 17 02:43:06 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn of Teens "Getting High on Data"
Tue Nov 17 00:54:04 +0000 2015
Aetna Becomes First Insurance Provider to Cover Costs of Immortality-Granting Rituals
Tue Nov 17 00:53:47 +0000 2015
Cube Scientists Warn Dread Cubes "May Be Susceptible" To "Contamination"
Mon Nov 16 18:33:59 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 At least they were *live* gazelles this time.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Nov 16 08:01:44 +0000 2015
Florida Man
REDACTED
Thousands of Live Gazelles
Mon Nov 16 07:52:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/mKrjstOLXV
— @rabcyr
Mon Nov 16 06:25:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rZ9lQv1H2y
— @rabcyr
Mon Nov 16 05:24:43 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Press Releasing Condemning Gendered Pay Gaps: "A Man's Place Is In The Stable, Not The Workforce"
Mon Nov 16 04:26:18 +0000 2015
Scientists Blame Growing East Coast Theological Pollution Levels on Rise of Faith-Guzzling "Luxury Gods"
Mon Nov 16 03:34:22 +0000 2015
Madonna Cries Onstage as She Pays Tribute to Victims of Wal-Mart: 'They ...
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Nov 16 03:17:41 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Texas State Police Report Abstract Concept of Meaning Released on Bail
Mon Nov 16 02:50:47 +0000 2015
Texas State Police Announce Arrest of "The Concept of Meaning"
Sun Nov 15 20:56:17 +0000 2015
Clinton Holds Press Conference At Her Hospital Bed, Promises "Vengeance" Against "The Interloper"
Sun Nov 15 11:26:52 +0000 2015
Hundreds Dead, Missing In Wake of Disastrous Democratic Debate; Three Candidates Hospitalized; Entire County Believed Contaminated
Sun Nov 15 11:25:35 +0000 2015
"A Very Serious Matter:" Police Identify "Hundreds" of Crimes Arrested Arizona Teens "Conspired To Avoid Committing"
Sun Nov 15 07:18:39 +0000 2015
Seven Black Teens Arrested in Arizona, Charged With Conspiracy To Commit 3rd-Degree Innocence
Sun Nov 15 02:37:11 +0000 2015
Windy today, but clear. Gusts up to 50 mph. If you hear any screaming, it is only the wind. Only the wind. Only the wind.
— @MagicWeather
Sun Nov 15 02:29:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 area man and woman charged with "conspiracy to evade breaking the law", details still coming in.
— @rabcyr
Sun Nov 15 02:17:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/VjqnxVsbMG
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 15 00:28:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/AtZsXlce8L
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 14 20:21:50 +0000 2015
NASA Wants an Apocalypse
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Nov 13 03:10:45 +0000 2015
Experts: "This Place Was Never Meant For You"
Fri Nov 13 00:59:19 +0000 2015
Industry Insiders: "There Is Blood And There Is Death"
Fri Nov 13 00:58:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "There's a Burger Behind Me Right Now, I Can Feel It" Whispered a Fearful Burger King Employee
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 12 23:30:48 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 We Carve From Him With Our Steely Knives But We Just Can't Kill The King.
— @tom_forsyth
Thu Nov 12 20:06:29 +0000 2015
Burger King: "We Don't Even Know Where The Burgers Are Coming From Anymore," "We've Tried So Hard To Stop Them But They Just Keep Coming"
Thu Nov 12 19:47:04 +0000 2015
Approached by Press, Trump Vomits Scarabs, Strangles Reporter With Rattlesnake
Thu Nov 12 09:49:49 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Truth Is Never Comforting https://t.co/yDzNpPAqnM
Thu Nov 12 09:47:39 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Seen Strolling Through D.C. At Midnight, Tossing Bags of Rotting Human Organs on Streets
Thu Nov 12 09:46:33 +0000 2015
"I'm Hillary Yaldabaoth Clinton And I Approve This Message:" The Seven Ways The Clinton Campaign is Appealing to Millennials
Thu Nov 12 07:41:37 +0000 2015
@UberChao @ApprovedNews6 spider machines are unaffected by fate.
— @tomscud
Thu Nov 12 06:24:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 The Approved News Cameras
— @substitute
Thu Nov 12 06:24:45 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 the inevitable fate I'm hiding from is voting in this poll. unfortunately I'm not doing a very good job
— @joe_no_body
Thu Nov 12 05:19:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 he's gotta be proud that he failed other people's organs after he ran out of his own
— @The_Aldurinian
Thu Nov 12 05:19:16 +0000 2015
Florida Man Achieves Organ Failure World Record
Thu Nov 12 05:14:08 +0000 2015
POLL: What Are YOU Hiding From Right Now?
Thu Nov 12 05:01:43 +0000 2015
POLL: Who's Blackmailing YOU To Vote This Year?
Thu Nov 12 04:56:37 +0000 2015
POLL: Who Are YOU Being Blackmailed to Vote For Next Year?
Thu Nov 12 04:52:36 +0000 2015
Girl Uses Butt Selfie to Prove Their Love Is Under Siege by Drones
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Nov 11 07:27:35 +0000 2015
as today is the feast day of 《mumblemumble 》 students shall wear their lapel badges showing the immense dilated eye of 《unclear》
— @botandy
Wed Nov 11 07:27:09 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Rand Paul Reforms "Seemingly Unharmed" From Remains of Consumed Audience Member
Wed Nov 11 03:24:30 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Eviscerated Shreds of Rand Paul Descend on Screaming Audience Member, Dissolve Him Into "Bloody Pulp"
Wed Nov 11 03:24:09 +0000 2015
Order Restored to #GOPDebate by "Valiant Efforts" of Local Volunteer Flamethrower Brigade
Wed Nov 11 03:19:56 +0000 2015
Analysts: Number of GOP Campaign Events Interrupted by Shrieking Ghost of Ronald Reagan "Growing Steadily" Each Year
Wed Nov 11 03:18:34 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate Interrupted by Ghost of Ronald Reagan, Spinning and Shrieking in Center of Stage
Wed Nov 11 03:16:07 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate Update: Eviscerated Shreds of Rand Paul Continue Attacking Trump's "Simplistic" Foreign Policy
Wed Nov 11 03:14:35 +0000 2015
Democratic National Committee Condemns Ancient Knife God For "Violent" Disruption of #GOPDebate: "We Expect Better of Our Donors"
Wed Nov 11 03:12:44 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate: Ancient Knife God Outlines 3-Point Fiscal Policy, Cuts Rand Paul Into Hundreds of Tiny Pieces
Wed Nov 11 03:12:04 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Trump "Bellowing Heresies" While Beating Ben Carson, Ancient Knife God With Terrified Audience Member
Wed Nov 11 03:02:26 +0000 2015
#GOPDebate Devolves Into Chaos As Fistfight Breaks Out Between Candidates, Enraged Minor Gods
Wed Nov 11 03:01:05 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 As reported by the two "other dudes" themselves, Blake Shelton and Blake Shelton.
— @listelian
Wed Nov 11 01:45:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Z51kucuR60
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 11 01:22:46 +0000 2015
How Sleep Apnea Shows We're Post-Freedom
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Nov 11 00:12:02 +0000 2015
The 13 Creepiest Babies in the Robot Uprising
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Nov 10 19:11:43 +0000 2015
Event Staff Confirm Rumors Ancient Electric Chairs Found "Just Sitting There" After All Trump Campaign Events
Tue Nov 10 06:50:43 +0000 2015
Visibly Frightened County Judge Reports Entire State of Nevada Has Now Confessed to Same Bank Robbery
Tue Nov 10 06:40:04 +0000 2015
NSA: Americans Must Send In "Full Transcripts" of "Everything The Whispers Tell You" on International Whispering Day
Tue Nov 10 06:35:12 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Negligent High Treason
Tue Nov 10 06:31:33 +0000 2015
Rand Paul: "It's Time For A Change" In How America Thinks About "The Great Golden Beast"
Tue Nov 10 06:23:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Prophecies exist to be broken, and any legendary weapon is safer in Democratic hands.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Nov 10 06:03:18 +0000 2015
Pressed on The Claw, THE INCIDENT, Carson Vows Never To Rouse The Great Golden Beast from its Deathless Slumber
Tue Nov 10 00:47:29 +0000 2015
Clinton: "The Claw" Must Not Fall Into Republican Hands, "The Prophecy Must Be Averted"
Tue Nov 10 00:44:27 +0000 2015
Trump: "I Will Be Delayed No Longer," "I Demand The Claw"
Tue Nov 10 00:42:58 +0000 2015
Obama Starts Personal Belgium
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Nov 09 20:13:08 +0000 2015
Doing Cocaine Now Will Make You Crave Beef
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Nov 09 20:12:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/TI4OVVTVXL
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 08 16:53:23 +0000 2015
Congress Approves New "Dignity Tax"
Sat Nov 07 20:08:01 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Spider Council Apologizes for Runtime Flaw Which Caused Broccoli Flavored Spiders
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 07 20:06:34 +0000 2015
Bill Requiring Poor Americans To Write Personal Apologies to Rich Americans Twice Each Year Passes Congress By Unanimous Consent
Sat Nov 07 07:22:29 +0000 2015
GOP Candidate On Accusation He Never Tried to Murder Child: "I Think America Knows Me Better Than That"
Sat Nov 07 05:00:40 +0000 2015
Physicists To Attempt Time Travel by "Swimming Backwards" Through "Hoard of Golden Coins"
Sat Nov 07 04:27:55 +0000 2015
CONTINUED: Paper Shows Severe Time Dilation in Presence of Large Amounts of Currency
Sat Nov 07 04:26:24 +0000 2015
Physicists Prove Time Money
Sat Nov 07 04:24:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/oesjv6QsgV
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 07 02:14:06 +0000 2015
Clinton: Prole Slum Pain Fields "Uneconomical," Should Be Replaced With "Personal Agony Induction Collars"
Sat Nov 07 01:25:25 +0000 2015
Music 800 miles away has been heard by wireless. It's getting to be so there is no escape. OH1920
— @TweetsofOld
Sat Nov 07 01:13:06 +0000 2015
@sigfig @sapphicorb @velartrill something is eating the radio waves
— @zacaj_
Fri Nov 06 23:51:53 +0000 2015
More & More Americans Adopting Crime As Lifestyle
Fri Nov 06 23:01:01 +0000 2015
"First USAF F-16 to go thru aircraft purification" cc: @ApprovedNews6
— @substitute
Fri Nov 06 22:45:39 +0000 2015
What we know about Ben Carson's seventh and possibly final album
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Nov 06 22:12:03 +0000 2015
Ben Carson defends himself against allegations that he never attempted to murder a child: https://t.co/iCJUYpSgBH https://t.co/oiFMx7kp4e
— @intelligencer
Fri Nov 06 21:49:49 +0000 2015
America! What system of socioeconomic organization do YOU prefer?
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Nov 06 21:05:22 +0000 2015
America! What system of socioeconomic organization do YOU prefer?
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Nov 06 21:05:22 +0000 2015
Security Experts: Theft, Replacement of All Furniture In America "May Be Linked" to Recent Spider Upgrades
Fri Nov 06 20:55:33 +0000 2015
We have specialist Kaiki Deishu on to debate whether or not this an improvement https://t.co/mpeHgXlg2b
— @MasterOfWaves
Fri Nov 06 20:53:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Forensic reports state only that their new composition is "troubling"
— @formercrsc
Fri Nov 06 20:53:51 +0000 2015
Oregon Gubernatorial Candidate Lord Jethromort Doomflower Promises To Add Hallucinogenic Drugs To Water Supply
Fri Nov 06 20:44:41 +0000 2015
All Furniture in America Stolen, Replaced With Exact Replicas Overnight
Fri Nov 06 20:19:09 +0000 2015
Cuomo: Big-Dicked Convict and His Glorious Beard Remind You He Still Exists
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Nov 06 20:18:50 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/Fe3dDRztvC
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 06 20:11:54 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities Conquers Yugoslavia
Fri Nov 06 03:19:23 +0000 2015
Our streak of beautiful weather continues. Enjoy the warmth and don't worry about the ice ghosts gathering in the north. Waiting. Waiting.
— @MagicWeather
Fri Nov 06 02:51:09 +0000 2015
New Study: 90% of Americans Make Up "Just 30%" of America
Fri Nov 06 02:50:39 +0000 2015
"District 1 Councilman Robert Trevino has said that the metal god has been in contact with his office" cc @ApprovedNews6
— @substitute
Thu Nov 05 21:50:23 +0000 2015
Obama Holds Press Conference Outside Reporter's Bedroom Window, Whispers Only "There Has Been An Obstruction" Before Fleeing Into Night
Thu Nov 05 08:18:04 +0000 2015
Millennials Are Overeducated, Says Upper-Class Professor
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Nov 05 08:11:38 +0000 2015
Oh great, because bloat and feature creep is what we need to have in our spiders. @khymchanur @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Thu Nov 05 08:04:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Paranoia Party Presidential Candidate Still in Hiding, Cannot be Reached for Comment
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 05 08:04:19 +0000 2015
How Anxiety Disorders Will Save Blue Collar Workers
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Nov 05 07:11:22 +0000 2015
laugh tracks to be replaced by ominous-whispering tracks
— @3fingeredfox
Thu Nov 05 05:59:36 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
All Lights Worldwide Suddenly Flicker At Exact Same Moment
Thu Nov 05 05:41:37 +0000 2015
@hail_ants_bot @ApprovedNews6 But what about the bees!? For God's sake will someone address THE BEES!
— @tashawhittaker
Thu Nov 05 05:26:01 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Weirdly ironic, since a group of crows is called a "murder", whereas a group of Trumps is called a "dismemberment".
— @CuriousSeaLion
Thu Nov 05 05:01:25 +0000 2015
Texas State Police Union Endorses "The Sublime Terror of Existence" in 2016 Presidential Race
Thu Nov 05 04:55:33 +0000 2015
Pressed on Accusation, Trump Dismembers, Devours Dozens of Crows
Thu Nov 05 04:52:08 +0000 2015
Bush: Trump Ad "Distraction"; Trump "Was The Entity All Along"
Thu Nov 05 04:50:10 +0000 2015
Trump Launches Controversial Attack Ad Accusing Bush, Christie of "Serving The Entity"
Thu Nov 05 04:47:37 +0000 2015
Sources: Many Commercial Sexualities May Have "Backdoor" Security Flaws
Thu Nov 05 04:19:11 +0000 2015
Ben Carson: "Feast, My Darlings"
Thu Nov 05 04:14:42 +0000 2015
"Bro-Mitzvahs:" A Look At The Newest Millennial Craze
Thu Nov 05 04:11:54 +0000 2015
I AM NOT KIDDING THEY ARE "RECHARGING" CATS VIA PYRAMID MAGIC https://t.co/a922FOk1rA
— @pookleblinky
Thu Nov 05 04:03:24 +0000 2015
FRIDAY AT 8: We Interview The Mocking Voice In The Walmart Men's Room That Constantly Critiques Your Taste In Music, Only on Approved News 6
Thu Nov 05 04:03:02 +0000 2015
Clinton: "I Will Insert A Probe" In "Your Pineal Gland"
Thu Nov 05 04:00:54 +0000 2015
Ants Accounts for More Than a Third of the World's 'Secret' Military Spending
— @hail_ants_bot
Thu Nov 05 02:49:12 +0000 2015
Government Scientists Warn Attempts to Relaunch Canada Could Result In "Second Great Epistemological Catatrophe"
Wed Nov 04 23:44:25 +0000 2015
The Society for the Advancement of the Belief in Ghosts is the most distinctive of the many clubs in Crawfordsville. CA1891
— @TweetsofOld
Wed Nov 04 23:41:26 +0000 2015
Spider Council: "Common House Spiders" Incompatible With New Spider Runtime Due To "Outdated Firmware"
Wed Nov 04 23:40:14 +0000 2015
Spider Council Announces "Improved" Spider Runtime; Update to be "Pushed Out" to Black Widows, Tarantulas Over Next Week
Wed Nov 04 23:38:01 +0000 2015
Ontario legislature staff just sent a mass email warning that ladybugs have re-awoken and are coming for us https://t.co/iofvIwQhpP
— @btaplatt
Wed Nov 04 21:16:28 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Oprah rated worst for bee-related complaints https://t.co/YOfPdcSq27
— @joe_no_body
Wed Nov 04 20:23:29 +0000 2015
Clinton: "Snakes Are Crucial To America's Future"
Wed Nov 04 09:57:46 +0000 2015
critical funding review of all NASA activities not focused on explaining the purpose of 'the mechanism', after Curiosity rover's discovery
— @botandy
Wed Nov 04 09:43:10 +0000 2015
Study: American's Top Customer Service Complaint "Bees"
Wed Nov 04 09:30:49 +0000 2015
Ants Starts Taking Nuclear Centrifuges Offline
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Nov 03 06:47:29 +0000 2015
Someone Broke the No-Farting Rule in the Federal Agenda for 2009-2010
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Nov 03 05:10:58 +0000 2015
four-way sex, neon, pop music, intestines pouring wetly out of the recently disemboweled
— @NYTMinusContext
Tue Nov 03 01:09:32 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Industry Spokesman Slams Experts as "Alarmist"
— @tomscud
Mon Nov 02 23:13:25 +0000 2015
SPLC: CDC Press Releases Have Posed "Severe Erotohazard" Ever Since The Great Epistemological Catastrophe @MadJaymilton
Mon Nov 02 23:04:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Clearly the SPLC hasn't read the CDC's press releases.
— @MadJaymilton
Mon Nov 02 23:00:41 +0000 2015
Experts: It Is Even Worse Than We Previously Imagined
Mon Nov 02 22:59:54 +0000 2015
University of Oregon Announces "Breakthrough" in Translation of Ancient Texts Found in Textbooks Once Containing Maps of Canada
Mon Nov 02 22:23:08 +0000 2015
Southern Poverty Law Center Condemns Obama Administration, Labels Summary Incineration of Canadian Refugees "Persecution"
Mon Nov 02 22:22:04 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Typical liberal media, always siding with the Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword. Shameless bias.
— @CuriousSeaLion
Mon Nov 02 22:21:16 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce Plans to Cooperate With Refugees to "Fulfill the Prophecy," Vanquish "The Onrushing Darkness"
Mon Nov 02 22:19:38 +0000 2015
Canadian Refugees Announce Discovery of Ancient Prophecy Foretelling Canada's Return
Mon Nov 02 22:17:50 +0000 2015
VICE: Why "Wonderwall" Causes Kinkshaming And How To Stop It
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Nov 02 21:13:36 +0000 2015
Thousands of Nevadans Confess to Same Bank Robbery
Mon Nov 02 19:52:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "your ancestors murdered my ancestors, but ritual blood magick requires me to tell you to Drink Coca-Cola: It's Refreshing!"
— @joe_no_body
Mon Nov 02 17:17:48 +0000 2015
Court Ruling "Opens Floodgates" to Corporate-Sponsored Hauntings
Mon Nov 02 06:49:53 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Bah, must be nice for some, being chained in a bog. *goes back to chanting*
— @formercrsc
Mon Nov 02 04:00:27 +0000 2015
Americans Breathe A Sigh of Relief As Another Halloween Passes Without Waking the Great Golden Beast
Sun Nov 01 06:21:39 +0000 2015
Sources: "For The First Time," Halloween Riots to be Open to Lesser Mutants
Sun Nov 01 06:20:05 +0000 2015
Savvy Senior: US Navy's 'Viagra benefit' for kids
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Nov 01 06:09:52 +0000 2015
POLL: How Are You Spending Halloween?
Sun Nov 01 02:59:50 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 So he's trying to appeal to Trump's supporters now?
— @uneasyspirit
Sat Oct 31 23:52:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 entity called @twitchinstalls attempting to trick humans into summoning next outbreak of ArchLinux
— @The_Aldurinian
Sat Oct 31 23:03:01 +0000 2015
POLL: What's Your Favorite Meat?
Sat Oct 31 22:57:35 +0000 2015
Trump: "I Ate The Last Dodo Myself;" "It Was Delicious"
Sat Oct 31 22:55:42 +0000 2015
Trump Claims "Personal Responsibility" for Extinction of 7 Endangered Species Including Dodo, Quagga
Sat Oct 31 22:55:21 +0000 2015
Clinton Campaign Releases Photo of Rand Paul Sitting Naked, Bloodstained Amid Mound of Headless Chicken Corpses
Sat Oct 31 22:45:11 +0000 2015
Rand Paul: Clinton "Tricky Witch," Must Be "Utterly Destroyed" To Avert "The Sand Times"
Sat Oct 31 22:42:39 +0000 2015
NSA: Leading Cause of Cancer "Hatred of America"
Sat Oct 31 17:41:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/brcCvNRGUh
— @pvlstaven
Sat Oct 31 17:29:46 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| The Changing Face of Capital Punishment https://t.co/ZlRyJnQLim
Sat Oct 31 08:21:41 +0000 2015
What Do Ghouls Think Of Waffles?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Oct 31 07:08:14 +0000 2015
NOAA Issues Weather Advisory for Northeastern United States: "Hide, And Forsake Those Whom You Once Loved, Before It Is Too Late"
Sat Oct 31 06:47:27 +0000 2015
WEATHER FORECAST: New York Restructuring Zone, Formerly New York City, to Experience Voices, Memories of the Dead & Forgotten On The Wind
Sat Oct 31 06:43:50 +0000 2015
WEATHER FORECAST: Western United States to Experience A Calming Sense of Wonder, Before Their Fondest Hopes Are Dashed Later This Week
Sat Oct 31 06:42:41 +0000 2015
NATIONAL WEATHER FORECAST: Expect "Flies" Throughout the Midwest Later This Week, Followed by "Torrents of Slime" & "Howls of Agony"
Sat Oct 31 06:41:46 +0000 2015
Citizens Outraged After EPA Orders Austin, TX Museum of Industrial Waste Closed
Sat Oct 31 00:37:42 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT https://t.co/PP7zvK6iK0
Sat Oct 31 00:02:51 +0000 2015
This feels like a @ApprovedNews6 article: “Awe, curiosity over sudden, huge 'gash' in Wyoming's Bighorn Mountains” https://t.co/9NDDBSCp74
— @mendel
Sat Oct 31 00:02:21 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Following Defiler Worm Announcement, Cruciphage Industries Stock Soars
Fri Oct 30 23:33:46 +0000 2015
Cruciphage Industries Announces Intent to "Invoke The Defiler Worm"
Fri Oct 30 23:32:29 +0000 2015
POLL: Why Aren't You Supporting Approved News 6?
Fri Oct 30 23:29:59 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @The_Aldurinian Experts: Government Must Consider “Creating More Crime To Kickstart New Crime Reactor”
— @fennekki_
Fri Oct 30 23:25:46 +0000 2015
@The_Aldurinian @ApprovedNews6 International Community Warns USA Not To Create More “Weapons Grade Crime” Under Pretense Of Starting Reactor
— @fennekki_
Fri Oct 30 23:25:10 +0000 2015
POLL: Who Are You?
Fri Oct 30 07:16:56 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 the only safe option is to build another Crime Reactor to steal it back
— @The_Aldurinian
Fri Oct 30 07:15:02 +0000 2015
Cloud of Whirling Knives Disembowels Chef, Endorses Jim Webb
Fri Oct 30 07:14:50 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens: Theft of MIT Crime Reactor Raises "Troubling Questions" https://t.co/64E30Rp2x2
Fri Oct 30 07:01:20 +0000 2015
MIT Crime Reactor Stolen
Fri Oct 30 06:59:11 +0000 2015
POLL: Do You Think Sen. Thanaton Luciphage (💀-CA) Should Resign After Making Slanderous Comments About This Network?
Fri Oct 30 06:51:52 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 The Immortal Underhell Ghost King of the Southwestern Detroit School District, of course
— @The_Aldurinian
Fri Oct 30 06:44:19 +0000 2015
POLL:
Fri Oct 30 06:43:31 +0000 2015
POLL: Who Do YOU Want to Host The Upcoming GOP Debate?
Fri Oct 30 06:42:24 +0000 2015
POLL: Who Are You Supporting This Halloween?
Fri Oct 30 06:40:39 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
If All Readers Donated Just $1 A Month to Approved News 6, The Prophecy Would At Last Be Fulfilled https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Oct 30 06:24:51 +0000 2015
Please Consider Pledging A Small Monthly Contribution To Support Approved Journalism, And Ward Off The News Hounds! https://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Oct 30 06:22:47 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Donations from Viewers Like You To Pay The Necessary Bribes To Remain On-Air
Fri Oct 30 06:21:22 +0000 2015
Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange of Green Bay, Wisconsin Demands "Supple Manslaves," Statue Cast In Gold
Fri Oct 30 06:18:15 +0000 2015
"They Ate A Part of My Brain:" Senator Blames Gaffe on "Thoughtroaches"
Fri Oct 30 06:15:11 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Observing The Silent Ones Without Proper Inoculation May Result In Sand Pox, Explosive Decompression, & Wasps
Fri Oct 30 02:47:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Democrat debate to be the first to include the Silent Ones
— @formercrsc
Fri Oct 30 02:45:39 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 So, the debates will continue as they have been.
— @themarevas
Fri Oct 30 02:45:35 +0000 2015
Analysts: Upcoming Republican Debate to Feature "Howling," "Thrashing"
Fri Oct 30 02:11:25 +0000 2015
Protestors Draw Criticism For Use of Astral Torment Rituals
Thu Oct 29 22:15:28 +0000 2015
After 20-Story Lizard Rampages Through Tulsa, OK, Scientists Accuse God of "Playing Scientist," "Meddling In Matters
He
Understands Not"
Thu Oct 29 22:13:48 +0000 2015
How Anti-Feminists Making Horrible Meals For Themselves And Posting About It On The Internet Is Millennials' Fault
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Oct 29 22:11:18 +0000 2015
Citing "Low Ratings," ABC Cancels "America's Wisest Hermit"
Thu Oct 29 18:43:48 +0000 2015
Infrastructure Advocacy Groups Urge Move to "Skull-Based Technologies"
Thu Oct 29 06:23:18 +0000 2015
Are Hipsters Getting High On 9-11?
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Oct 29 06:12:11 +0000 2015
MIT Announces First Synthetic Presidential Candidate
Wed Oct 28 07:41:34 +0000 2015
First Girl Scout Sighting in Russia Raises Worries of Hallelujah Virus Outbreak https://t.co/GwhAthThFC
Wed Oct 28 07:12:37 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Of New Teen Fad "Sextember"
Wed Oct 28 06:49:38 +0000 2015
"One Day This Will All End:" Scientists Reassure Humanity All The Universe Will One Day Crumble Into Nothingness As Though It Had Never Been
Wed Oct 28 03:30:31 +0000 2015
Government Sorcerers Break Antimemetic Curse on Fatherhood https://t.co/NNHPvImOCz
Wed Oct 28 03:12:30 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Decry "Electrosatanical Devices"
Wed Oct 28 01:10:32 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 what are supposed to do with our hell hounds now? https://t.co/8GeGHJF1Lg
— @Electro_Shaman
Tue Oct 27 21:12:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents: "How Much Longer Shall We Give These Honey-Vomiting Degenerates Free Rein"?
— @khymchanur
Tue Oct 27 03:33:29 +0000 2015
Zoologists: Wild Police Hives "Should Not Be Approached" by Untrained Citizens
Tue Oct 27 03:27:36 +0000 2015
Is Bullshit Why Gen Y-ers Can't Shake Hands?
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Oct 27 03:11:41 +0000 2015
In Our View: Regulate Bees
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Oct 27 02:48:18 +0000 2015
Proprietary analysis finds >66.6% of vegetarian hot dogs 'contain human DNA' - Clear Foods via CNN. @ApprovedNews6
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Tue Oct 27 00:34:04 +0000 2015
Taylor Swift, GOP strike two-year budget deal
— @TwoHeadlines
Tue Oct 27 00:09:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4wGLKw5Fhw
— @rabcyr
Mon Oct 26 21:35:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Bloodgasm supports universal health. Not health/care/, however. Humans should be just fit enough to host essential proteins.
— @ThePatanoiac
Sun Oct 25 18:21:46 +0000 2015
Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Holds New Hampshire Rally on Environmental Policy, Eats Heart of Screaming Donor
Sun Oct 25 18:15:14 +0000 2015
RELATED: Witnesses Report Flocks of Doves Spontaneously Forming into Sanders Campaign Ads, Accompanied by Distant Music on the Wind
Sun Oct 25 18:11:11 +0000 2015
Clinton Campaign Releases "Controversial" Ad https://t.co/vhayedSsKx
Sun Oct 25 18:06:00 +0000 2015
Ominous Presence Lurking in Kansas City Endorses Bernie Sanders
Sun Oct 25 17:44:36 +0000 2015
Sex Becomes Official Olympic Sport
Sun Oct 25 07:10:53 +0000 2015
Guns Don't Kill People, Sex Kills People: Concerned Parents Issue "Provocative" Statement
Sun Oct 25 04:01:57 +0000 2015
Birdman -- DENIED at Hollywood Orgies
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Oct 25 03:11:12 +0000 2015
Scientists Discover Not The Worst But Still Pretty Bad Insect https://t.co/bAyX7GDvYL
— @_ardeej
Sun Oct 25 03:10:03 +0000 2015
Mathematicians: Banach-Tarski Theorem Kills Hundreds Every Year
Sat Oct 24 22:18:31 +0000 2015
BREAKING: Se cancelan clases en Campus Guadalajara, citando "Huracán", "Rábidos Animales" y "FINALES"
— @Tecdemty666_
Sat Oct 24 17:37:43 +0000 2015
what talk shows on AN6 are like, no doubt https://t.co/CF2J994osG
— @velartrill
Sat Oct 24 06:51:28 +0000 2015
Does "Roombas With Knives" Help Or Hurt Neomasculinity?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Oct 24 04:26:51 +0000 2015
Paul Ryan: America May Soon Face "Horde of Clockwork Communists"
Sat Oct 24 00:54:36 +0000 2015
Jeb Better Hope He Wins.
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Oct 23 23:37:53 +0000 2015
CORRECTION: "They Are Not Corpses," Say Visibly Shivering Locals: "Not Corpses At All"
Fri Oct 23 22:06:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 WE NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THIS
— @TRIVIADEER
Fri Oct 23 22:05:56 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
All Deer Corpses Within 7 Miles of Televisions Tuned to CNN Begin Levitating
Fri Oct 23 22:04:40 +0000 2015
Trump Appears on CNN Sitting Silently in Ancient Electric Chair, Clouds of Black Smoke Pouring From Gaping Mouth
Fri Oct 23 22:03:09 +0000 2015
The Truth Will Shock You https://t.co/zuPvn6G9KU
Fri Oct 23 20:47:39 +0000 2015
Obama Appears Simultaneously On Every Talk Show, Warns "The Engines of Malefaction" Have "Begun To Roar"
Fri Oct 23 19:16:39 +0000 2015
This kind of liberal tripe is what's ruining our country. https://t.co/gi7uD8OXpy
— @pvlstaven
Fri Oct 23 18:30:37 +0000 2015
JUDGE IN ALABAMA LITERALLY DEMANDS BLOOD https://t.co/0vuVmTUnrS
— @mcclure111
Fri Oct 23 18:20:26 +0000 2015
Folk Musicians Release Triumphal Yet Bittersweet Album In Celebration of "Long-Overdue" Recognition of Their Humanity
Fri Oct 23 18:04:29 +0000 2015
Federal Department of Purity: Folk Musicians "Will No Longer Be Classified As Mutants"
Fri Oct 23 16:56:29 +0000 2015
Russian Teen Arrested, Charged for Not Being Sunni Muslims
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Oct 23 08:13:22 +0000 2015
"Some Observations About Shining Flesh," Robert Boyle (1672) https://t.co/i2LetBWq8C
— @NB_Chris
Fri Oct 23 03:47:57 +0000 2015
#MinisterialScreaming still trending in Nigeria. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Thu Oct 22 17:23:48 +0000 2015
Clinton on Trump: "He Hasn't Even Been Born Yet"
Thu Oct 22 11:27:41 +0000 2015
7 Federal Ghouls Arrested for Corruption
Thu Oct 22 11:22:08 +0000 2015
Responsibility for Regulation of Necromantic Foci, Detached Body Parts, & Black Candles To Be Placed on Oregon Liquor Control Commission
Thu Oct 22 05:20:45 +0000 2015
RELATED: Beginning in 2016, Oregonians To Be Required to Provide Photo ID Before Purchasing Black Magic Talismans
Thu Oct 22 05:17:52 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Issue Press Release https://t.co/rnemrggvwc
Thu Oct 22 05:11:00 +0000 2015
CEO: Sellers Using eBay to Dispose of Cursed Artifacts "Will No Longer Be Tolerated"
Thu Oct 22 05:10:10 +0000 2015
Liberals mock Paul Ryan's family leave, but you don't get how much time it takes to shed false human skins and warm the family Writhing Pit.
— @saladinahmed
Thu Oct 22 01:29:53 +0000 2015
Obama Dismisses Critics: "
'Project Grinning Lizard'
Is Perfect," "It Could Not Be Otherwise"
Thu Oct 22 00:23:01 +0000 2015
D.C. In Uproar As Teenager's Death Linked to "Project Grinning Lizard"
Thu Oct 22 00:19:38 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 OH GOD, DID IT FINALLY GO AIRBORNE
— @maddestmachine
Wed Oct 21 07:04:10 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Claim Teenager Died of Political Correctness
Wed Oct 21 01:45:25 +0000 2015
CLARIFICATION: Nothing is Illegal in South Florida After Unilateral Decree by President T. Jared Winthrop https://t.co/ca2QPMNMu8
Wed Oct 21 01:37:43 +0000 2015
RELATED: Florida Man Arrested for Nothing
Wed Oct 21 01:29:20 +0000 2015
Woman Accused of Nothing, Nike Says
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Oct 21 01:27:46 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/IHTlEjODxh
— @rabcyr
Tue Oct 20 22:15:12 +0000 2015
Hundreds of Glowing Frogs Covered in Candle Wax Spew From Statue of Liberty's Torch
Tue Oct 20 21:33:55 +0000 2015
Oregon State Police Intercept Shipment of Hipster Blood
Tue Oct 20 20:51:54 +0000 2015
Man Facing Possible Death Sentence for Copyright Infringement Pleads Mind-Control
Tue Oct 20 20:49:51 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Negligent Geneva Convention Violations
Tue Oct 20 20:10:36 +0000 2015
"How Many Have You Killed?" Sen. Lincoln Chafee Appears at Emergency Press Conference, Fists Clenched, Blood Dripping From Behind Teeth
Tue Oct 20 18:53:45 +0000 2015
Poll Shows 60% of Brits Believe Human Rights "Not Profitable Enough"
Tue Oct 20 14:57:11 +0000 2015
Letter X Accused of Murder
Tue Oct 20 14:38:30 +0000 2015
HEALTH ADVISORY: Time-Traveling Meat Must Be Temporally Anchored Before Consumption To Prevent Intestinal Implosion https://t.co/dbuAY95Wni
Tue Oct 20 14:18:45 +0000 2015
Meteoropsychologists Blame Midwest Cold Front on "Malaise," "Negative Thinking"
Tue Oct 20 04:56:16 +0000 2015
MIT Announces Development of First "Helpful Cancer"
Tue Oct 20 04:54:53 +0000 2015
Congressional Budget Office Warns Scaled-Back "Project Grinning Lizard" Will Still Cost Taxpayers "Over $██,███,███.89" Annually
Tue Oct 20 04:49:55 +0000 2015
Ohio Gov. Kasich Slams Obama for "Cowardice" on "Project Grinning Lizard"
Tue Oct 20 04:48:17 +0000 2015
After "Widespread Public Outcry," White House Agrees to "Scale Back" "Project Grinning Lizard"
Tue Oct 20 04:47:32 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Call For "Pogroms" Against "The Infertile"
Mon Oct 19 20:07:57 +0000 2015
Congress Outlaws Insomnia
Mon Oct 19 18:50:07 +0000 2015
"𝕸𝖊𝖈𝖚𝖒 𝕺𝖒𝖓𝖊𝖘 𝕻𝖑𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖎𝖙𝖊:" Minor Daemon Issues Press Release, Driving All Who Look Upon It To Madness
Mon Oct 19 07:53:26 +0000 2015
Minor Daemon Escapes into Europe; Lithuania Eternally Forsaken
Mon Oct 19 07:52:25 +0000 2015
Ohio Gov. Kasich: Obama Must Be "Painted Purple" to "Fulfill The Prophecy"
Mon Oct 19 07:14:09 +0000 2015
CORRECTION: We Regret The Error.
Mon Oct 19 06:52:45 +0000 2015
"You're Not Entitled to Anything:" Pundits Blame Resistance to "Project Grinning Lizard" on "Millennials"
Mon Oct 19 05:55:23 +0000 2015
"A Divider, Not A Uniter:" Mitt Romney Slams Obama for "Project Grinning Lizard"
Mon Oct 19 05:54:08 +0000 2015
As always, the Spider Council is a voice of reason. https://t.co/iIO7VT0KwE
— @S_aucuparia
Mon Oct 19 05:52:51 +0000 2015
"Not In My Hometown:" Oregon City Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Vows to Fight "Project Grinning Lizard" With Skeleton Army
Mon Oct 19 05:47:18 +0000 2015
Spider Council Condemns "Project Grinning Lizard," Announces "Full Support" for ACLU Legal Challenge
Mon Oct 19 05:45:51 +0000 2015
Pain King Calls Surprise Press Conference, Announces Support of Pain Citadels for "Project Grinning Lizard"
Mon Oct 19 05:45:02 +0000 2015
ACLU Vows to Challenge "Project Grinning Lizard" in Court
Mon Oct 19 05:43:36 +0000 2015
"It Is The Only Way:" Obama Claims "Project Grinning Lizard" Discussed "At Length" With Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals
Mon Oct 19 05:42:10 +0000 2015
Asked to Comment on "Project Grinning Lizard," Donald Trump Produces Bucket of Squirming Lizards, Begins Devouring Them
Mon Oct 19 05:40:51 +0000 2015
Cube Scientists: "Project Grinning Lizard" May Have "Disastrous Impact" on Dread Cube Manifestation Patterns
Mon Oct 19 05:39:19 +0000 2015
Pundits Raise Concerns "Project Grinning Lizard" May "Attract the Attention" of "Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted"
Mon Oct 19 05:38:45 +0000 2015
GOP Primary Candidate Rick Santorum Decries "Project Grinning Lizard" as "Too Little, Too Late"
Mon Oct 19 05:36:55 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Vow to Oppose "Project Grinning Lizard" With "Every Last Drop of Blood in Our Veins"
Mon Oct 19 05:35:17 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Issues Statement on "Project Grinning Lizard" Calling for "Wistful Self-Reflection," "High-Pitched Keening"
Mon Oct 19 05:34:34 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Democratic Primary Candidate Jim Webb Sets Own Hair On Fire
Mon Oct 19 05:33:13 +0000 2015
Asked for Comment on "Project Grinning Lizard," Jim Webb Accuses Own Hair of "Weakness," "Treason"
Mon Oct 19 05:32:54 +0000 2015
Pressed on "Project Grinning Lizard," Clinton Whispers "Mistake" Repeatedly While Backing Away, Eyes Slowly Widening
Mon Oct 19 05:31:19 +0000 2015
Democratic Primary Candidate Bernie Sanders: "Project Grinning Lizard" "A Threat To Our Nation's
REDACTED
"
Mon Oct 19 05:30:27 +0000 2015
MoveOn, Green Party Call for "Nationwide Protests" Against "Project Grinning Lizard"
Mon Oct 19 05:29:28 +0000 2015
Illuminati Releases, Brutally Suppresses Mostly-Redacted Press Release Condemning "Project Grinning Lizard"
Mon Oct 19 05:28:52 +0000 2015
Pressed on Details of "Project Grinning Lizard," White House Press Secretary Begins Laughing Hysterically, Vomiting Scarabs
Mon Oct 19 05:28:05 +0000 2015
DNA Analysis of Blood on "Project Grinning Lizard" Press Releases Reveals "Inhuman Origin"
Mon Oct 19 05:27:10 +0000 2015
CORRECTION: "Project Grinning Lizard" Press Releases Covered in Forbidden Runes, Not Forsaken Runes. We Regret The Error.
Mon Oct 19 05:26:01 +0000 2015
Reporters: All Copies of Press Release Stained in Blood, Covered in Shakily Scrawled Forsaken Runes
Mon Oct 19 05:25:39 +0000 2015
White House Issues Press Release Announce "Project Grinning Lizard"
Mon Oct 19 05:25:00 +0000 2015
Cereal Restaurants Can't Stop China
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Oct 19 05:12:50 +0000 2015
Floating City Appears in Skies Above China, Enters Trade Negotiations
Sun Oct 18 16:36:25 +0000 2015
Clinton Campaign Warns Tea Party Activists May Attempt to Summon "Racism Elemental"
Sun Oct 18 05:20:17 +0000 2015
WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED https://t.co/4gPPVwwnxo
— @CombatCavScout
Sun Oct 18 00:45:14 +0000 2015
Seven "Sex Terrorists" Arrested in Downtown Chicago
Sat Oct 17 23:37:41 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Florida Man Founds New Political Party http://t.co/hFvxdJ5G3i
Sat Oct 17 22:00:47 +0000 2015
Society of Concerned Botanists Condemns Ferns for Perceived "Nazi Sympathies"
Sat Oct 17 20:34:42 +0000 2015
Experts: Breakfast May Be Illegal
Sat Oct 17 18:29:57 +0000 2015
Teens Are Self Obsessed, Says Attractive Baby Boomer
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Oct 17 18:12:14 +0000 2015
Burger King Is Dead at 88
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Oct 17 17:19:28 +0000 2015
New Tech Startup Promises to Deliver "Smart Weather" to West Coast
Sat Oct 17 16:54:19 +0000 2015
Funerals For Hallelujah Virus Survivors Will Be Held "Last Thursday," Say Authorities
Sat Oct 17 10:52:21 +0000 2015
How Hackerphobia Shows Male Pattern Baldness Isn't Real
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Oct 17 10:17:07 +0000 2015
Pancakes Are Controlling Your Brain and Making You Stupid
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Oct 17 09:11:34 +0000 2015
"I Am A MAN:" Severely Burned Sen. Jim Webb Refuses Hospitalization, Eats Five Doctors
Sat Oct 17 08:32:03 +0000 2015
genetic material is at least 25 percent weasel
— @NYTMinusContext
Sat Oct 17 08:21:51 +0000 2015
Angry Flock of Geese Swarms U.S. Treasury, Demands Return to Gold Standard
Sat Oct 17 07:56:26 +0000 2015
RELATED: Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Slaughters Hundreds of Protesters During Campaign Rally
Sat Oct 17 07:46:29 +0000 2015
"They're Just So Sweet And Adorable": Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm's Campaign Adopts Hundreds of Stray Kittens
Sat Oct 17 07:44:50 +0000 2015
Obama's Reliance on Flying Ants Is Foolish and Counterproductive
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Oct 17 00:47:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Maybe now that he's not holding a hammer someone should remind him that he dropped out of the race last month.
— @listelian
Fri Oct 16 22:25:21 +0000 2015
Landlord Tory MP Philip Davies says UK law requiring homes be fit for human habitation is an unnecessary burden http://t.co/SgjPUZrrNS
— @sarahlicity
Fri Oct 16 22:24:05 +0000 2015
GOP Primary Candidate Scott Walker Promises to "Fix The Economy" Through "Unrelenting Physical Torture," "Purges"
Fri Oct 16 21:46:28 +0000 2015
21st Century mornings http://t.co/cGi6sok4QO
— @warrenellis
Fri Oct 16 16:55:34 +0000 2015
They Put A Rabbit In A Larger Rabbit’s Hollowed-Out Chest Somehow And Though They Both Seem Fine We’re Not Sure How To Feel About This
— @direlog
Fri Oct 16 07:30:56 +0000 2015
Apple Hints At New Product Described Only As "The Subjugator"
Fri Oct 16 03:58:58 +0000 2015
then we shall see you in court, Microsoft. that was our idea. https://t.co/wvzfWdaHg4
— @blackspirePR
Thu Oct 15 23:25:09 +0000 2015
Microsoft: New "Microsoft Bloodworm" Will Be "Inserted" in "Unsuspecting Customers" During Sleep
Thu Oct 15 23:16:03 +0000 2015
What Do Republicans Think Of Selfies?
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Oct 15 21:16:10 +0000 2015
Excelsior Sinkhole Corporation Announces "Exciting New Developments" in Vermont, Georgia
Thu Oct 15 18:09:28 +0000 2015
Microsoft CEO Announces New "Microsoft Bloodworm"
Thu Oct 15 17:58:46 +0000 2015
DNC Announces 2016 Party Platform http://t.co/wBlQhPDRgy http://t.co/5dEMjZLP8c
Thu Oct 15 06:58:25 +0000 2015
#DemDebate Survivors Report "Slight Preference" for Clinton, Noting How Much They Feared Her And Her Awful Vengeance
Thu Oct 15 02:44:35 +0000 2015
“Didn’t she do a brilliant job?” https://t.co/Ozntc7zVwi @ApprovedNews6
— @kellyramsey
Wed Oct 14 22:26:54 +0000 2015
Florida Man Reinvents Wheel
Wed Oct 14 22:23:21 +0000 2015
Unseasonable Rains of Frogs "Upsetting" Midwestern Ecosystems
Wed Oct 14 22:18:36 +0000 2015
In today's "Garfield" comic: The foul cat gnaws absentmindedly on Hagar the Horrible's skull. God weeps over the tragedy of his creation.
— @PostCultRev
Wed Oct 14 22:09:34 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Democratic Candidate Emerging "Unscathed" from "Fireball of Devastation," Still Playing Harmonica
Wed Oct 14 21:57:51 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Sanders Re-Enters Earth Atmosphere, Impacts Near Savannah, GA With Nearly 10MT of Force
Wed Oct 14 21:57:04 +0000 2015
TONIGHT ON APPROVED NEWS 6: "Telepathy: How Modern Couples Are Making Long Distance Relationships Work," A Special Report by
REDACTED
Wed Oct 14 19:28:23 +0000 2015
In Final Step, Top Ant Council Approves Nuclear Deal
— @hail_ants_bot
Wed Oct 14 18:48:01 +0000 2015
John Kerry Issues Statement Calling for Putin to be Made "SI Unit of Failure"
Wed Oct 14 18:41:38 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 reveals existence of #Illuminati super space station which transited the sun in 2012 instead of Venus https://t.co/szSOK3aAkO
— @UberChao
Wed Oct 14 16:17:13 +0000 2015
Democratic debate was pretty boring this year. https://t.co/yZJ2FXbbKS
— @pvlstaven
Wed Oct 14 15:21:48 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Venus Destroyed in 2008 Republican Primary Debates, Currently Being Rebuilt by Illuminati https://t.co/CNp1QIYm1L
Wed Oct 14 15:16:39 +0000 2015
This proves how severe the issue of obesity is in America. In my day, children fit into confined spaces just fine. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Wed Oct 14 15:15:39 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Sen. Jim Webb, Covered in Third-Degree Burns, Crawling From Crater, Gnashing Teeth in Victory, Blood Dripping from Mouth
Wed Oct 14 15:14:42 +0000 2015
#DemDebate Aftermath: Venue Obliterated; Hundreds Dead; Sanders Reaches Low Earth Orbit, Still Cheerily Playing Harmonica
Wed Oct 14 15:13:16 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Issue Policy Statement https://t.co/qKQQgfLn47
Wed Oct 14 15:01:31 +0000 2015
Sanders Remains Uninjured, Unperturbed, Continuing to Play Harmonica as Clinton, Wrathful Underbeasts Battle Gov. Chafee
Wed Oct 14 03:38:27 +0000 2015
Democratic Debate Turns Violent As Chafee Conjures Tentacled Horror to Assail Clinton, Sanders
Wed Oct 14 03:37:20 +0000 2015
"We Are Here, And It Is So Very Glorious:" Clinton Begins Cackling Madly
Wed Oct 14 03:32:04 +0000 2015
DEBATE
UPDATE:
Sanders, Now Hovering 5ft Above Podium, Suddenly Begins Playing "Lively Tune" on Pocket Harmonica
Wed Oct 14 03:30:27 +0000 2015
All Video Streams from Democratic Debate Briefly Replaced by Grainy Footage of Hundreds of Prisoners Being Tortured on Racks
Wed Oct 14 03:24:32 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Sen. Webb Gnawing on Human Femur, Staring at Sanders With "Bloodshot Eyes"
Wed Oct 14 03:22:30 +0000 2015
Gov. Martin O'Malley: "Together We Will Make Ash And Dust From All That Was Flesh And It Shall Be Beautiful"
Wed Oct 14 03:20:59 +0000 2015
Debate Officials: Bernie Sanders Remains "Unresponsive to Stimuli," Slowly Rising Into Air
Wed Oct 14 03:19:05 +0000 2015
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE: Gov. Lincoln Chafee Answering All Questions By Reading Rambling Passages From Bloodstained Book Bound in Human Flesh
Wed Oct 14 03:18:09 +0000 2015
Clinton: "America's Future" Lies In "The Darkness Beneath"
Wed Oct 14 03:11:16 +0000 2015
Sen. Jim Webb: "I Have Devoured Your God And Still I Hunger"
Wed Oct 14 03:09:35 +0000 2015
Asked Question, Bernie Sanders Closes Eyes, Begins Peacefully Levitating
Wed Oct 14 03:08:47 +0000 2015
Asked Question, Bernie Sanders Closes Eyes, Begins Peacefully Levitating
Wed Oct 14 03:08:47 +0000 2015
Clinton Arrives At Debate Erupting Through Floor Behind Podium on Back of Ferocious Underbeast
Wed Oct 14 03:05:15 +0000 2015
Questioned on Foreign Policy, Sen. Jimm Webb Begins Chanting "Never Enough Blood" Repeatedly in Aramaic
Wed Oct 14 03:04:26 +0000 2015
Democratic Debate Begins With Ritual Sacrifice to Yaldabaoth
Wed Oct 14 03:02:13 +0000 2015
Breaking: Bret Easton Ellis interviews a silent child with bloody hands, banging them so very softly against his bedroom window each night
— @pookleblinky
Wed Oct 14 00:26:21 +0000 2015
Breaking: Quentin Tarantino interviewed by the sneering, decomposing face becoming more visible each day in his bathroom mirror
— @pookleblinky
Wed Oct 14 00:26:14 +0000 2015
GOP Nominee Fiorina Calls Emergency Press Conference, Yodels In Unison With Campaign Staff for Hours as Sky Slowly Darkens
Tue Oct 13 11:32:15 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, Vatican Officials Describe Pope Francis' Appetite As "Rapacious;" Promise Rome Animal Control Officers "Always" On Hand
Tue Oct 13 05:06:43 +0000 2015
I think I saw this advertised on @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/AWU3vrbuXf
— @substitute
Tue Oct 13 05:04:21 +0000 2015
Cell-Phone Video of Pope Francis Being Fed Daily Bucket of Fish Goes Viral
Tue Oct 13 05:03:31 +0000 2015
Hallelujah Virus Outbreak Confirmed in Twisted Ruins of New York
Tue Oct 13 03:13:30 +0000 2015
Federal Government to Sell Magic, Potions, Curses
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Oct 12 22:14:45 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 bees have multiple uses. Wasps only have one
— @CurmudgeonBeast
Mon Oct 12 16:01:47 +0000 2015
That's the point. Bees should require Bee Licenses, but everyone can and should have wasps in them. @CurmudgeonBeast @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Oct 12 16:01:41 +0000 2015
If every citizen carried wasps inside of them, mass-wasping incidents would be a thing of the past. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Oct 12 08:07:50 +0000 2015
So the government wants to come for my wasps now? They can *try*. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Oct 12 07:53:53 +0000 2015
INTERNATIONAL:
David Cameron Calls for Creation of "Ministry of Wasps"
Mon Oct 12 07:43:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "I was cleaning it and it went off"
— @tom_forsyth
Mon Oct 12 07:41:12 +0000 2015
Pundits Decry Millennials as "Caring," "Socially Adept"
Mon Oct 12 04:22:00 +0000 2015
Republicans Accuse Democrats of "Plotting" to "Rouse the Great Golden Beast" from "Its Restless Slumber"
Mon Oct 12 04:19:43 +0000 2015
America Suffering Nationwide Corpse Shortage, Say Experts
Mon Oct 12 04:17:54 +0000 2015
Clinton Condemns Christie's Anti-Levitation Stance as "Racially Insensitive"
Mon Oct 12 04:17:05 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 he should have listened to Chris Christie
— @zacaj_
Mon Oct 12 04:16:11 +0000 2015
Corpse of Florida Man Found Orbiting Pluto
Mon Oct 12 04:14:58 +0000 2015
Chris Christie: "Levitation Is A Sin"
Mon Oct 12 04:13:57 +0000 2015
GOP Presidential Candidate Scott Walker Appears On CNN, Ignores Questions While Repeatedly Striking Large Brick With Hammer, Screaming "No"
Mon Oct 12 04:12:09 +0000 2015
Mathematicians: "Numbers Are Wrong"
Sun Oct 11 06:51:27 +0000 2015
Experts Characterize Traditional Afterlives as "Tremendously Wasteful;" Warn of Disastrous Effects of "Empyrean Landfills"
Sun Oct 11 06:07:39 +0000 2015
Environmentalists Praise Buddhism For "Responsible" Soul Recycling
Sun Oct 11 06:05:14 +0000 2015
Could Dance Dance Revolution Be The New Toxic Masculinity?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Oct 11 02:12:12 +0000 2015
How Sleep Apnea Shows High Blood Pressure Isn't Real
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Oct 11 00:12:14 +0000 2015
Texas Outlaws Infosex
Sat Oct 10 14:36:26 +0000 2015
Mathematicians Discover New Shape, Classified As "Erotochoron"
Sat Oct 10 04:12:39 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It Can Smell Your Fear And It Knows Where You Live
Sat Oct 10 01:19:54 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
To Support Quality News Services & Gain Protection From News Hounds, Pledge Us A Small Amount Every Month! https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Sat Oct 10 01:17:43 +0000 2015
NSA: 734,000 Americans Have Been Added To "The List"
Sat Oct 10 01:16:39 +0000 2015
Sources: "No," "Dear God No," "Get Away From Us," "You Monsters," "What Have You Done," "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE"
Sat Oct 10 01:12:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Small Fuzzy Goat Anti-Defamation League Demands Apology From Kerry
— @khymchanur
Sat Oct 10 01:09:43 +0000 2015
Is Your Child a Soulless Swamp Goon? The Answer May Surprise You!
Sat Oct 10 01:09:16 +0000 2015
Seventh Dread Beast of the Night of Silver Tears Awakens As The Last Seal of Dusk is Broken, Announces Upcoming TED Talk
Sat Oct 10 01:07:13 +0000 2015
Can Whispering Cause Cancer? Find Out Tonight, Only At 8/7c on Approved News 6!
Sat Oct 10 01:03:24 +0000 2015
"I Was Enslaved For Years by BDSM-Crazed Elves & Loved Every Second Of It:" GOP Senator Calls Press Conference, Issues Teary-Eyed Confession
Sat Oct 10 01:01:55 +0000 2015
Census Analysis: Nearly 420% of Americans Do Not Exist
Sat Oct 10 00:58:20 +0000 2015
Apple Develops First Fully-Electronic Tree
Fri Oct 09 21:50:05 +0000 2015
Kerry Dismisses Putin Claims, Noting Skeleton Box Buried "Eons Before His Tedious Birth;" Officially Declares Putin A Small Fuzzy Goat
Fri Oct 09 17:39:17 +0000 2015
Putin Claims Credit for D.C. Skeleton Box Detonation; Claims Sec'y of State John Kerry "Has Too Many Teeth"
Fri Oct 09 17:37:36 +0000 2015
TRAGEDY: Long-Buried Skeleton Box Detonates in D.C.; Hundreds Believed
REDACTED
Fri Oct 09 16:50:43 +0000 2015
How Megachurches Can Ruin YOUR Career
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Oct 09 12:11:10 +0000 2015
We're Approaching Bubonic Plague All Wrong & How To Use Teeth To Fix It
— @thinkpiecebot
Fri Oct 09 10:07:31 +0000 2015
GOP Senator Blames Sex Scandal on "Bondage-Crazed Elves"
Fri Oct 09 01:15:05 +0000 2015
Utah Stolen
Thu Oct 08 17:30:25 +0000 2015
Could Lizard People Cause Breast Cancer?
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Oct 08 17:11:13 +0000 2015
Pressed on China, Obama Wipes Memories of Reporter From All Who Ever Knew Him
Thu Oct 08 17:10:35 +0000 2015
Remember, America: "love" is "communism" spelled backwards!
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu Oct 08 07:14:31 +0000 2015
Dr. Sanjay Gupta Explains Why Everyone Is Dying of Dysentery
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Oct 08 06:11:16 +0000 2015
Clinton: Chinese Firms "Wilfully Violating" Intellectual Property Rights of American Corps., "Flooding Markets" with "Knockoff Divinities"
Thu Oct 08 06:07:43 +0000 2015
Clinton Slams China for Export of "Counterfeit Deities"
Thu Oct 08 06:06:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me," is clearly a divine admonition against copyright infringement.
— @Spkr2Managers
Thu Oct 08 06:05:35 +0000 2015
Don't Miss This Week's Edition of "News in Comics!" Doing So May Necessitate Extreme Corrective Measures https://t.co/eTpxnO79IH
Thu Oct 08 05:26:32 +0000 2015
"We Don't Even Know Where They're Coming From Anymore:" Visibly Frightened Cardinal Defends Recent Vatican Pronouncement
Thu Oct 08 05:05:13 +0000 2015
"Worse Than Genocide:" Vatican Labels Copyright Infringement "Mortal Sin"
Thu Oct 08 05:03:41 +0000 2015
Judge Sentences Florida Man to 7 Years in Shame Cube
Thu Oct 08 03:27:02 +0000 2015
GOP agenda even more terrifying than we thought. ht @AdamWeinstein http://t.co/CIXSyJMJUU
— @saladinahmed
Thu Oct 08 02:56:02 +0000 2015
14 Cats Who Are Complete Bastards
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Oct 08 02:10:48 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Conservatives Slam Thatcher's Ghost as "Soft on Education" After Official Death Toll Deemed 74
Thu Oct 08 01:52:04 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 China is implementing something that would be right at home in the Approved News world https://t.co/KI6miy5mq6
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 08 01:35:10 +0000 2015
All Public San Francisco Transit Maps Replaced by X-Rays of Failing Human Heart
Wed Oct 07 19:05:25 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 Only dozens? She seems to have lost her appetite in the afterlife.
— @PatrickAchtelik
Wed Oct 07 18:55:05 +0000 2015
Top service announcements at #ReInvent are AWS Unhealing Wound and Amazon Hand of Glory. Integration is tight. @ApprovedNews6
— @substitute
Wed Oct 07 16:52:52 +0000 2015
INTERNATIONAL:
Ghost of Margaret Thatcher Devours Dozens of Schoolchildren
Wed Oct 07 16:28:13 +0000 2015
Oregon Gubernatorial Candidate & Elder Scion of the Ashen Order Jethromort Doomflower Endorses Green Party's Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm
Wed Oct 07 01:06:44 +0000 2015
Green Party Releases First 2016 Campaign Poster http://t.co/JcE3CzqMns
Wed Oct 07 00:51:38 +0000 2015
"They're So Adorable:" Green Party Candidate Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm Releases Campaign Video Showing Candidate Crying Over Baby Rabbits
Wed Oct 07 00:13:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 they should look into his past with a discredited solar energy/evisceration startup too
— @substitute
Wed Oct 07 00:10:52 +0000 2015
Green Party Nominates Lord Carnithrax Bloodgasm as Presidential Candidate: "He Gave Us No Choice," "Please, Have Mercy"
Tue Oct 06 23:11:12 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 NASA Develops Launch-Capable Llamas
— @khymchanur
Tue Oct 06 23:09:52 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Curiously, I am not mollified by this correction.
— @ladyjax
Tue Oct 06 01:18:51 +0000 2015
Amy Schumer's Bold Words on This Newfangled Thing Called Puberty
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Oct 05 18:12:07 +0000 2015
CORRECTION: Florida Libertarian Candidate Who Sacrificed Goat, Drank Its Blood, Running For National Office, Not State Senate Seat
Mon Oct 05 18:11:23 +0000 2015
Ordo Templi Orientis Confirms Florida Senate Libertarian Candidate Expelled for Blood Heresy
Mon Oct 05 18:09:57 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
CNN Technicians "Unable" to End Broadcast as Romney Begins Chanting in Forbidden Languages
Mon Oct 05 18:06:55 +0000 2015
Romney, Clad in Black Robes & White Blindfold, Appears on CNN to Criticize Clinton for Habit of "Messily Devouring" Underperforming Interns
Mon Oct 05 18:04:54 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Unveils Throne of Skulls
Mon Oct 05 18:03:30 +0000 2015
Florida State Senate Libertarian Candidate Augustus Sol Invictus Ritually Slaughters Goat, Drinks Its Blood in Pagan Ritual
Mon Oct 05 17:57:10 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 It came from the gaping wound I left in it. http://t.co/pS5hvwkQVQ
— @King_Of_Flesh
Mon Oct 05 12:04:17 +0000 2015
Astronomy is terrifying. @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/WT1tgclrd0
— @pvlstaven
Mon Oct 05 12:03:57 +0000 2015
Is Unions The Explanation For Inflation?
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Oct 05 12:03:21 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 All those Aztec sacrifices were made for a reason.
— @themarevas
Sun Oct 04 04:38:01 +0000 2015
This weekend will be cool and overcast and shadowed by regrets with their gray eyes, taunting from dark corners. Highs in the low 60s.
— @MagicWeather
Sun Oct 04 00:45:59 +0000 2015
INTERNATIONAL:
Pressed on Rising Inflation, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Hides in Tree
Sun Oct 04 00:45:35 +0000 2015
I just learned that the sun is made of plasma. But the sun is really big. Where did all that blood come from? @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Sat Oct 03 23:34:01 +0000 2015
Federal Government Adds 600,000 Acres To National Forbidden Zone http://t.co/kluGPjLpHC http://t.co/F2A25pOXYg
— @TheOnion
Sat Oct 03 17:22:20 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY https://t.co/LJVyDNSjZu
Sat Oct 03 06:36:04 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 PERPETUAL LOTION Strikes Advertising Deal With Frictionless Twink Pyramid
— @_ardeej
Sat Oct 03 06:29:23 +0000 2015
SPONSORED:
Dry Skin? Try PERPETUAL LOTION! It’ll Keep Your Flesh Soft Forever! F O R E V E R.
Sat Oct 03 06:25:11 +0000 2015
Pressed on Accusations, Former Education Secretary Duncan Comments Only “I Regret Nothing,” Spits in Reporter’s Eye
Sat Oct 03 06:15:40 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Slam Claims Education Secretary Duncan “Fueled His Unnatural Lifespan” With “Blood of the Innocent” as “Libelous”
Sat Oct 03 06:10:41 +0000 2015
Lawyer: Duncan Departure “Unrelated” to Recent Discovery of Bones of Hundreds of Children in Secretary’s Back Yard
Sat Oct 03 06:09:40 +0000 2015
Former Education Secretary Arne Duncan Denies Horse Porn Allegations
Sat Oct 03 06:08:17 +0000 2015
Secretary Arne Duncan Leaves Education Department, Ordered to Report to Hague to Face Charges of Crimes Against Humanity
Sat Oct 03 06:06:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 See, this is what we need more of nowadays. Strong, wholesome leaders who build unstoppable Spider Cannons.
— @Keuran
Sat Oct 03 05:43:08 +0000 2015
Spider Council Issues Press Release: "The Spider Cannon is Now Online," "No Power on Earth Can Stop It"
Sat Oct 03 04:56:02 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: Children Must Be “Protected” from Thoughts, Sensory Input
Fri Oct 02 23:56:13 +0000 2015
Florida Man
REDACTED
Regional Brownouts, Noxious Fumes, [REDACTED] Achieved Lunar Orbit [REDACTED]
Fri Oct 02 23:52:43 +0000 2015
LinkedIn "Unsure" Why All Uploaded Photos Show Users "Frozen in Rictus of Terror"
Fri Oct 02 22:50:41 +0000 2015
Florida Man Denies Mutilating Goat; Says He Only Took Part in Religious "Animal Sacrifice”, Still Running For Senate http://t.co/q1vQR7ftqt
— @_FloridaMan
Fri Oct 02 20:12:44 +0000 2015
Google is giving parents more control over Planned Parenthood
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Oct 02 04:08:15 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 No domestic coverage of this at all! Disgraceful. This is why I follow foreign media outlets.
— @insomniacity
Thu Oct 01 22:41:27 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Sooner than you think... The voids have arrived http://t.co/0HnzkWvpy3
— @tashawhittaker
Thu Oct 01 18:00:34 +0000 2015
Experts: United Kingdom Will Be "Swallowed Whole" by "Gaping Yonic Voids" "No Later Than December"
Thu Oct 01 17:06:23 +0000 2015
INTERNATIONAL:
David Cameron Gives Cryptic Speech Promising "All The Lands Of Britain" to "Roach Titan"
Thu Oct 01 16:24:47 +0000 2015
Flying Ants Could Bring Better Medical Care to Rural Patients
— @hail_ants_bot
Thu Oct 01 06:48:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Advances In Doom Metatheory Dooms All Chances Of Further Advances In Doom Theory For The Next Century, Experts Relieved
— @_ardeej
Thu Oct 01 05:35:30 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Doom-related findings are always welcome, but we must take care lest we awaken the Empire That Drowned.
— @defiler
Thu Oct 01 05:31:44 +0000 2015
New Advances in Doom Theory Lead to Cataclysmic Tsunami
Thu Oct 01 05:29:15 +0000 2015
ALL ESCAPE ROUTES HAVE BEEN SEALED #sext
— @best_sext
Thu Oct 01 05:20:31 +0000 2015
What Spicy Fast Food Can Teach Us About Richard Dawkins' Blatant Racism
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Oct 01 05:13:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 It would certainly be a less misleading name, as we all know justice exists only for the dead.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Thu Oct 01 05:06:45 +0000 2015
RELATED: Obama Signs Bill Authorizing Floggings for "Insufficient Patriotism"
Wed Sep 30 05:56:30 +0000 2015
Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV): Senate Must Not "Meddle in the Hidden Things," "Stir The Great Golden Beast from its Dread Slumber"
Wed Sep 30 05:50:06 +0000 2015
Democrats Slam GOP Initiative to Rename DOJ: "They Would Invoke The Prophecy of the Seven Grasping Hands"
Wed Sep 30 05:48:21 +0000 2015
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY): DOJ's Primary Function "Keeping Americans in
Their
Places" With "Elaborate Humiliations"
Wed Sep 30 05:47:29 +0000 2015
Senate Debates Renaming "Department of Justice" to "Department of Punishment"
Wed Sep 30 05:46:11 +0000 2015
It's #LoveNoteDay! We’ve left some love notes on http://t.co/TU6O1wffAN. Share one with someone you #love! http://t.co/c6MHYRK1nf
— @NSAGov
Wed Sep 30 05:27:12 +0000 2015
The airport PA just paged back to security a "female missing her outer layer." This life is short and full of horrors.
— @KenJennings
Tue Sep 29 23:22:31 +0000 2015
Kids These Days and the Future of Radiation
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Sep 29 21:13:11 +0000 2015
We're Approaching Obesity All Wrong & How To Use Vocal Fry To Fix It
— @thinkpiecebot
Tue Sep 29 19:12:16 +0000 2015
Oregon: Hundreds of Beavers Arrested Attempting to Dam Willamette River
Tue Sep 29 16:40:33 +0000 2015
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Downplays Role of Tricky Witches, Labels "The Great Screaming" Class X Portent
Tue Sep 29 14:46:33 +0000 2015
Experts Blame Last Night's Bout of Uncontrollable Worldwide Screaming on "Tricky Witches"
Tue Sep 29 14:44:59 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
After "Tense Wait," Worldwide Uncontrollable Screaming Ceases
Tue Sep 29 14:40:58 +0000 2015
MIT War Mathematics Prof. Arrested, Suspected Illegal Possession Of Recursive Functions, Terrorist Attacks On News Outlets @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Tue Sep 29 14:22:05 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I was worried it was just me!!
— @marginoferror
Tue Sep 29 14:21:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 What they're after is the Necrollamacon. They want to help Ollama bring the Illamanati a step closer to world llamanation.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Sep 29 14:21:39 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
All Humans Worldwide Begin Screaming Uncontrollably
Tue Sep 29 05:24:41 +0000 2015
Ancient Knife God Announces Independent Bid for Presidency; Run Criticized by Pundits as "Cynical," "Profit-Motivated"
Tue Sep 29 04:56:44 +0000 2015
SPONSORED:
Psychic Llamas Want to Steal Your Firstborn! Don't Let Them Get Away With It: Vote McCain/Swarm of Angry Bees 2016
Tue Sep 29 04:54:12 +0000 2015
Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "Experts: "
Tue Sep 29 04:44:34 +0000 2015
Obama Promises to Veto "Defund The Sun" Act, Spreads Terrible Black Wings As Reporters Flee Press Room
Tue Sep 29 04:15:44 +0000 2015
Republicans Vote to Defund Sun
Tue Sep 29 04:14:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: No, Stop, You Fool! You'll Ruin Everything!
— @khymchanur
Mon Sep 28 23:11:35 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Raise Concerns https://t.co/JHFjZVUGlE
Mon Sep 28 23:11:24 +0000 2015
"That Was Not The Earth:" Scientists Issue Panicked Announcement As Spiked, Rippling Shadow Passes Across #SuperBloodMoon
Mon Sep 28 04:06:22 +0000 2015
Doctors Warn #SuperBloodMoon May Cause "The Hunger" in Abyssal-Americans
Mon Sep 28 02:39:04 +0000 2015
Vampire Bat Sales Skyrocket in Advance of Super Blood Moon
Sun Sep 27 22:31:04 +0000 2015
Scientists Raise Concerns of "Ecologically Unfriendly" Sacrificial Rites
Sun Sep 27 05:48:34 +0000 2015
@fennekki_ @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/yn1LoqZDfu
— @_ardeej
Sun Sep 27 05:45:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @_ardeej (but just the moon, if said picture depicts anything else in addition)
— @fennekki_
Sun Sep 27 05:45:33 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @_ardeej all digital pictures of moon turn 90 degrees counterclockwise
— @fennekki_
Sun Sep 27 05:45:27 +0000 2015
Thousands of Identical Figures Massing on Texas Borders, Demanding "Lettuce," "Lizard Juice"
Sun Sep 27 05:44:35 +0000 2015
All Non-Digital Pictures of Moon Worldwide Turn Blood Red
Sat Sep 26 21:30:19 +0000 2015
Why Are Millennials So Obsessed With Family Values?
— @thinkpiecebot
Sat Sep 26 20:11:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Putin Replies That Kerry "Snorts Powdered Golf Balls", "Gives Aid to Garden Gnome Extremists"
— @khymchanur
Sat Sep 26 00:13:52 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Asked to Comment on Putin Statement, Kerry Says Putin A "Failure Elemental," "Tells Lies to Small Children"
Fri Sep 25 22:47:47 +0000 2015
Putin Issues Sudden Press Statement Claiming John Kerry "Smells of Limburger & Sadness"
Fri Sep 25 22:40:54 +0000 2015
Obama Appoints Mold Czar
Fri Sep 25 10:51:36 +0000 2015
In Address to Congress, Pope Francis Eats Three Senators
Fri Sep 25 10:23:16 +0000 2015
Clinton: Republican Candidate Fiorina Must Be "Placed in the Doom Box," Behold "The Beast of Blood and Shadow"
Fri Sep 25 10:22:42 +0000 2015
Aliens Love Soccer in This Hellish Form
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Sep 25 07:23:52 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
White Man Has Opinion
Fri Sep 25 01:47:30 +0000 2015
Starbucks Challenges Congress to Heal World's 'Open Wounds'
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu Sep 24 17:10:34 +0000 2015
IBM: Shadows Nationwide Will Be "Offline" for "Maintenance" Thursday
Wed Sep 23 22:11:03 +0000 2015
How Catholicism Is Hipsters' Fault
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Sep 23 05:12:07 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 @lazygamereviews Lucky them. There's nothing here but blood and wasps now that [REDACTED] is in heat.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Tue Sep 22 21:13:03 +0000 2015
Striking From “Marvelous Zeppelin,” Former Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner Abducts Republican Candidate Mike Huckabee
Tue Sep 22 21:07:16 +0000 2015
Nuclear Technology - Ants' Next Great Export?
— @hail_ants_bot
Mon Sep 21 20:47:17 +0000 2015
The alien fungus already covers over 60% of United Kingdom's landmass and is still growing. God save us all. @lazygamereviews @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Sep 21 06:19:18 +0000 2015
Bernie Sanders Confronts Old Archnemesis, Long Thought Dead, in Climactic D.C. Showdown
Mon Sep 21 06:00:21 +0000 2015
Huckabee Calls "Emergency Press Conference," Stands in Front of Reporters Giggling Hysterically
Sun Sep 20 17:27:05 +0000 2015
Snake Curse In The Cemetery @ApprovedNews6 @LordKaT http://t.co/hReFsSEKrH
— @pvlstaven
Sat Sep 19 21:33:54 +0000 2015
Candidates Scatter as Clinton, Army of Underbeasts Assault GOP Debate Venue
Thu Sep 17 04:46:19 +0000 2015
Christie: "Women Are to Blame" for "Bees"
Thu Sep 17 03:12:44 +0000 2015
CRUZ: If elected, the Supreme Court will be fashioned into the perfect machine. TIPPER: What machine? CRUZ: The. Perfect. Machine.
— @absomni
Thu Sep 17 02:23:30 +0000 2015
Trump Earns Applause After Pledging to "Build A Monument To Pestilence," Taunting Christie "Just Try & Stop Me"
Thu Sep 17 01:47:47 +0000 2015
GOP DEBATE: Gov. Walker Interrupts Trump to Kneel Down, Gently Roll Ticking Bronze Sphere Into Audience
Thu Sep 17 00:44:13 +0000 2015
FIORINA: BLOOD WE WILL CHOKE HIM ON BLOOD AND HE WILL DIE LAUGHING.
— @absomni
Thu Sep 17 00:41:53 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Huckabee Humming "Tuneless, Yet Funereal" Dirge As Other Candidates Attempt to Answer Questions
Thu Sep 17 00:37:56 +0000 2015
Pressed on Tort Reform, GOP Candidate Fiorina Recites Own Name Backwards Seven Times as Audience Begins to Vomit
Thu Sep 17 00:36:54 +0000 2015
Trump Denies Claims of Organ Harvesting as Dozens of Still-Beating Hearts Rain Down on Debate Chamber
Thu Sep 17 00:35:26 +0000 2015
GOP DEBATE: Carly Fiorina Turns Into Snake
Thu Sep 17 00:33:58 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Christie Visibly Levitating, Draining All Light From His Surroundings
Thu Sep 17 00:32:50 +0000 2015
"We Must Flee, And Soon:" Huckabee Attacks Fellow Candidates For "Improper Wards" Around Debate Chamber
Thu Sep 17 00:31:08 +0000 2015
GOP DEBATE: Pressed on Femur Tariffs, Gov. Walker Cuts Open Own Stomach, Produces Ticking Brass Sphere From Within
Thu Sep 17 00:29:18 +0000 2015
Democrats Warn GOP Debate "Ritual" To "Rouse The Great Golden Beast"
Thu Sep 17 00:27:22 +0000 2015
Trump Demands Debate With Pile of Discarded Shoes
Thu Sep 17 00:25:35 +0000 2015
Nicki Minaj Is Fully Operational
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Sep 17 00:12:00 +0000 2015
Khamenei Warns US Would Be Humiliated in War With Ants
— @hail_ants_bot
Mon Sep 14 19:04:53 +0000 2015
Huckabee Slams Obama Orb Policy As "Crustacean"
Mon Sep 14 19:02:12 +0000 2015
SLATE: Why Are Millennials So Obsessed With Charred Meat Smell?
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Sep 14 01:12:35 +0000 2015
How not to crop a headline. http://t.co/QN2n6ilC3E
— @brookejarvis
Sun Sep 13 23:53:37 +0000 2015
DeSean Jackson Feels Philadelphia Eagles 'Persecuted' Him Because of 'Smelly Poo'
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Sep 12 21:11:12 +0000 2015
Death Scientists: Total Number of Humans Who Have Ever Died "Almost Enough;" "We Are So Very Close Now"
Sat Sep 12 05:48:21 +0000 2015
Clinton Campaign Releases Evidence Mike Huckabee "Does Not Exist"
Fri Sep 11 18:31:50 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, Cook Replies "It Is A Gift," "They Are Happier Now"
Wed Sep 09 23:24:04 +0000 2015
Bereaved Relatives Report All Apple Event Attendees Have "Transformed" into "iCubes"
Wed Sep 09 23:23:08 +0000 2015
QUEEN ELIZABETH BECOMES LONGEST-REIGNING UK MONARCH, NOW LEGALLY ALLOWED TO EAT HUMAN FLESH. "WE COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS" SAYS ONE REPORTER
— @ERROR_REDACTED
Wed Sep 09 22:58:03 +0000 2015
Critics Hail "Bride of the Slime King" as "Riveting, Revolutionary" Documentary
Wed Sep 09 19:12:35 +0000 2015
Critics Bash Apple Event As "Tedious," "Humdrum"
Wed Sep 09 18:27:24 +0000 2015
Remaining Cook Clone: "Parental Control" Features of "iCube" Will "Trap
Children's
Souls Within"
Wed Sep 09 18:13:29 +0000 2015
Tim Cook Clones Collapse in "Visceral Froth" as Crabs Swarm Stage From Ventilation Ducts
Wed Sep 09 18:07:20 +0000 2015
Tim Cook Clones Collapse in "Visceral Froth" as Crabs Swarm Stage From Ventilation Ducts
Wed Sep 09 18:07:20 +0000 2015
Apple Announces "Apple Pencil" Accessory to "iCube;" Cook: "It Will Nest In Your Weakest Orifice"
Wed Sep 09 18:05:55 +0000 2015
Tim Cook: "iCube" To "Bring Wonder," "Bring Glory;" "We Will Pay You To Take It"
Wed Sep 09 18:02:19 +0000 2015
Audience Members "Turn On Each Other" in "Orgiastic Frenzy of Violence" as Tim Cook Holds Up "Crimson Cube"
Wed Sep 09 17:58:14 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Apple Event Audience "Messily Devouring" Provided Eyeballs As Cook Clones Vibrate Noisily
Wed Sep 09 17:54:02 +0000 2015
APPLE EVENT: Staff In Full-Body White Suits Begin Circulating Among Audience, Handing Out Still-Living Eyeballs
Wed Sep 09 17:52:46 +0000 2015
APPLE EVENT: Dozens of Tim Cook Clones Begin Performing Silent, Elaborate Dance
Wed Sep 09 17:49:53 +0000 2015
impressed that they managed to stuff an entire corpse into the ipad pro #AppleEvent
— @IAmAboutUs
Wed Sep 09 17:47:09 +0000 2015
Could Welfare Recipients Have Caused Drought?
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Sep 09 06:11:10 +0000 2015
HUFFPO: What Would Alexander the Great Think of The Decline In Post-Industrial Rock?
— @thinkpiecebot
Wed Sep 09 03:19:17 +0000 2015
Study: "Fewer and Fewer" Universities Offering Graduate Courses in Torture
Tue Sep 08 20:33:51 +0000 2015
Prime Minister of Italy Demands "Blood Tribute" from European Union
Tue Sep 08 19:50:51 +0000 2015
LANGUAGE FACT: English Is The Only Language That Causes Listeners to Bleed Internally
Tue Sep 08 19:20:24 +0000 2015
LANGUAGE FACT: The Italian Word for "Ambassador" Literally Means "Speaker-to-Food!"
Tue Sep 08 19:17:41 +0000 2015
Today is International Language Day! Tune In To @ApprovedNews6 For Fun Facts About The World's Languages!
Tue Sep 08 19:15:49 +0000 2015
Obama Declares Mandatory Compliance Day Federal Holiday
Tue Sep 08 19:08:34 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/vZS7OpJEXi
— @gilmourtaylor
Tue Sep 08 19:03:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 This is what comes of secession.
— @themarevas
Tue Sep 08 19:02:59 +0000 2015
Scientists Prove Universe Not A Simulation: "This Is All Real And There Is No Escape"
Tue Sep 08 19:01:25 +0000 2015
Analysts: Primary Exports of South Florida Since Independence "Domestic Disputes," "Weeds"
Tue Sep 08 18:40:11 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Want To "Spice Up" Your "Human Romance"? Follow @best_sext For
REDACTED
!
Tue Sep 08 18:21:37 +0000 2015
T. Jared Winthrop: "I Will Personally Shoot" Any DNMB Personnel to Violate "South Floridian Sovereignty"
Tue Sep 08 18:19:30 +0000 2015
Citing "Potential Heresy," Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Demands South Florida Allow Grand Inquisitor to Investigate
Tue Sep 08 18:17:11 +0000 2015
North Florida Governor Scott Calls on South Florida to "Rejoin the Union," Offers Assistance in Disaster Relief
Tue Sep 08 18:15:21 +0000 2015
South Florida's President T. Jared Winthrop Issues Drunken Rant, Blaming "Crooks and Liars" for South Florida Catastrophe
Tue Sep 08 18:14:07 +0000 2015
Death Toll of South Florida Catastrophe Reaches 750
Tue Sep 08 18:11:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Celebrity Diet: Eat More Celebrities and Still Lose Weight!
— @khymchanur
Sun Sep 06 16:26:39 +0000 2015
Validation answer: corporate America collecting information on our deepest fears http://t.co/gKmUXG5tK2
— @zigg
Sun Sep 06 16:24:41 +0000 2015
REDACTED
Issues Press Release: "The Moon Was Delicious"
Sun Sep 06 01:53:16 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 OPINION: Those Fools Thought That Death Would Stop Me!
— @khymchanur
Sun Sep 06 00:02:07 +0000 2015
Republicans Accuse Obama of "Courting the Doom Box"
Sat Sep 05 10:32:17 +0000 2015
Obama: Employers Should Have "Flexibility" To Pay Workers in USD, Dried Yak Teeth, or Cryptic Wisdom
Sat Sep 05 10:30:54 +0000 2015
Economists Warn Raising Minimum Wage Could "Drastically Diminish" Reserves of Sacrificial Victims
Sat Sep 05 10:18:11 +0000 2015
OPINION:
You Laughed At Me Back At The Academy, But I'll Show You, I'll Show You All
Sat Sep 05 06:02:50 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Law Allows Military-Grade Hamsters to be Sold to the Public
— @khymchanur
Fri Sep 04 11:53:04 +0000 2015
Note: @ApprovedNews6 is exempt
— @substitute
Fri Sep 04 04:55:06 +0000 2015
Explosion in Pizza Mine Kills 7
Fri Sep 04 02:20:28 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/PQ0KciQ7ru
— @MadMaxFlapper
Fri Sep 04 00:41:06 +0000 2015
Surgeon General: "Average American Diet" Contains "Nowhere Near Enough Doom" for Dental Health
Fri Sep 04 00:28:37 +0000 2015
Experts: "SOON"
Fri Sep 04 00:27:41 +0000 2015
12 'Game of Thrones' Scenes That Don't Exist
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Sep 03 11:07:32 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Wild-Eyed Man in Black Robes Standing Atop Empire State Building, Cackling Madly Into Wind
Thu Sep 03 09:50:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 4 out of 5 Dentists Recommend not Angering Your Teeth
— @khymchanur
Thu Sep 03 09:44:02 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Top 10 Jokes Heard Echoing Up Through Bathroom Sink Drains in Abandoned Houses
— @khymchanur
Tue Sep 01 22:36:23 +0000 2015
Florida Man Develops World's First Exploding Flower
Tue Sep 01 00:27:13 +0000 2015
7 Things Man Was Not Meant To Know (You'll Never Believe #4)
Tue Sep 01 00:17:22 +0000 2015
"It Is Exactly As Foretold:" Mother of Exsanguinated Reporter Dons Ashen Cloak, Vanishes Amid Flock of Crows
Tue Sep 01 00:02:58 +0000 2015
Pressed on Jamaican Zeppelin Incident, FAA Spokeswoman Exsanguinates Reporter With Her Mind
Mon Aug 31 23:58:49 +0000 2015
Dancing Freely In The Cosmic Glitter Is Majestic And Prohibited
— @manual_txt
Mon Aug 31 23:32:29 +0000 2015
It Was All Real, Say Experts: "None of it Was a Dream"
Mon Aug 31 23:31:08 +0000 2015
Hundreds Dead, Missing in Wake of Unpredicted Blood Choir Recital
Mon Aug 31 23:22:48 +0000 2015
HBO: "Sexualized Acts of Public Cruelty" Necessary to Appease "The Thing That Creaks And Rattles"
Mon Aug 31 22:44:59 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Criticize HBO For Showing “Full Frontal Nudity” During Televised Flayings
Mon Aug 31 21:52:40 +0000 2015
What Would Ancient Aliens Think of Donald Trump?
— @thinkpiecebot
Mon Aug 31 21:33:06 +0000 2015
This all-time low can surely be attributed to Spain's recent prevention and rehabilitation policies. @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Aug 31 19:53:57 +0000 2015
@velartrill "Ashley Madison summoning and binding souls from depths of hell, then forcing them to sign up for accounts, sources say"
— @IAmAboutUs
Mon Aug 31 19:53:51 +0000 2015
Spain's Incarceration Rate Reaches 117%
Mon Aug 31 10:19:28 +0000 2015
Cancer: The REAL Cause Of The Cancer Epidemic
— @thinkpiecebot
Sun Aug 30 09:17:57 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 Yes.
— @insomniacity
Fri Aug 28 18:52:11 +0000 2015
Sacramento County Announces Plans to Introduce "Proactive" Red Light Enforcement Through Necromancy
Fri Aug 28 07:02:55 +0000 2015
Terrorist Attack Ends in Laughs as Attackers' Own Creation Turns Against Its Masters
Fri Aug 28 02:21:03 +0000 2015
Witnesses: "You Won't Believe What Happens Next"
Fri Aug 28 00:49:01 +0000 2015
NSA: "Anti-American" Hackers Have Resources That "Would Scare Your Cyberpants Off"
Fri Aug 28 00:06:48 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Mathematicians Warn That Rounding Up Children Can Lead to Significant Health Problems, Advise Rounding Down
— @khymchanur
Thu Aug 27 23:43:23 +0000 2015
What Minimum Wage Increases Can Tell Us About Radiation
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Aug 27 20:11:10 +0000 2015
Could Toxoplasmosis Cure Think Pieces?
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Aug 27 17:25:50 +0000 2015
Is it the Patrol watching out for Communist Doom, the one that Dooms Communists, or the Communist one Patrolling for Doom? @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Thu Aug 27 15:42:53 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/lLrrztJaKp
— @atonal440
Thu Aug 27 15:41:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Hipsters had a breeding season before having a breeding season was popular.
— @khymchanur
Thu Aug 27 15:41:41 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Children Will Be "Rounded Up," Forced to Join "Communist Doom Patrol"
Thu Aug 27 15:36:28 +0000 2015
How Measles Outbreaks Will Save Skype
— @thinkpiecebot
Thu Aug 27 06:12:37 +0000 2015
Rural Americans Report Blood-Smeared Helicopters Dropping Bags Full of Teeth on Highways
Thu Aug 27 05:45:22 +0000 2015
Ben & Jerry's Announces Vengeance-Flavored Ice Cream
Thu Aug 27 05:39:11 +0000 2015
Hipster Breeding Season Arrives
Thu Aug 27 05:29:13 +0000 2015
Psychologists: Impostor Syndrome Best Handled Through "Mortal Danger," "Routine Trauma"
Thu Aug 27 05:28:47 +0000 2015
"We Followed Proper Scientific Protocols at Every Step:" MIT Professor Accused of Murder Issues Statement
Thu Aug 27 05:25:28 +0000 2015
"There's No 'Eye' In Team:" Bill Gates Speaks Out in Favor of Mandatory Eyeball Removal for Interns
Thu Aug 27 05:23:43 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Senator Whatshisface Introduces the "Thingamabob Act" to Congress
— @khymchanur
Wed Aug 26 05:05:56 +0000 2015
Tomorrow Rescheduled to Yesterday
Wed Aug 26 01:07:15 +0000 2015
MIT Professor of Strangulology Accused of Murder
Wed Aug 26 00:47:29 +0000 2015
Yesterday Cancelled
Tue Aug 25 08:13:58 +0000 2015
Weather Update https://t.co/6N3Emg6WyY
Mon Aug 24 23:09:10 +0000 2015
How Peru Is Using Flying Ants to Protect Machu Picchu and Archaeological Treasures
— @hail_ants_bot
Mon Aug 24 18:47:15 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Laud Windows 10 As "Best Operating System" For "Monitoring, Controlling Children"
Mon Aug 24 17:51:07 +0000 2015
Fifth Great Curse Claims First Victim; Obama Declares National Holiday
Mon Aug 24 16:25:41 +0000 2015
when the joy is past, the ukuleles will hide
— @everyadage
Mon Aug 24 04:02:09 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment on "Ontological Contradictions" of Own Existence, Fairy Queen Throws Fairy Dust in Reporters' Eyes, Vanishes @themarevas
Sun Aug 23 17:17:46 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 If fairies don't exist, how is there a Fairy Queen?
— @themarevas
Sun Aug 23 17:16:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Take This 3-Minute Quiz to Find Out How Loudly You Should Be Screaming
— @khymchanur
Sun Aug 23 17:16:34 +0000 2015
After Republican Criticism, Clinton Promises to Lower Soul Tax for Lurking-Class Families
Sat Aug 22 23:39:26 +0000 2015
Analysts: 90% of Plans Go "Horribly Wrong;" Remaining 10% Go "Horribly Right"
Sat Aug 22 23:15:52 +0000 2015
COUNTERPOINT:
You Fool, We Warned You, We Told You This Would Happen, Why Wouldn't You Listen
Sat Aug 22 23:13:53 +0000 2015
OPINION:
I Was Wrong, So Terribly, Terribly Wrong
Sat Aug 22 23:12:15 +0000 2015
In Wake of Tooth Fairy Riots, Fairy Queen Issues Press Statement Assuring Public Fairies "Do Not Exist" @themarevas
Sat Aug 22 03:58:57 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 Tooth fairies riot in outrage.
— @themarevas
Sat Aug 22 03:58:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Nation's First Teeth Dispensary Opened in Los Angeles
— @khymchanur
Sat Aug 22 01:54:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 MIT engineers tasked with developing "vomit machine 2.0," will "project" "so much putrescence". https://t.co/99zzjCrkMi
— @derwolfanwalt
Fri Aug 21 09:02:11 +0000 2015
ELECTION 2016: Scott Walker Holds Year's Most Violent Press Conference
Thu Aug 20 19:05:23 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Donald Trump's Economics Position Paper Released, Immediately Burrows Into Earth's Crust
— @khymchanur
Thu Aug 20 17:44:36 +0000 2015
Evolved icebergs crawl forth onto the land during cartographic storms. Secret borders form in the universe
— @aramchek_ebooks
Wed Aug 19 16:54:23 +0000 2015
No way that combination ends poorly. @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/fznHDd8auq
— @derwolfanwalt
Tue Aug 18 06:56:06 +0000 2015
MIT Scientists Develop "Spray Pain"
Tue Aug 18 06:55:44 +0000 2015
There aren't any asteroids in a collision course with Earth? No stars suddenly forming ominous messages? @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Aug 17 21:36:25 +0000 2015
I guess Rigel apparently blinking, counting down in binary for the last week is just sun spots or something. @JanePeikkos @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Mon Aug 17 21:36:04 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 i heard that some of the signal errors from the mars rovers is the radio waves being deflected by something large
— @JanePeikkos
Mon Aug 17 21:35:58 +0000 2015
Astronomers: "Everything's Good," "Nothing's Wrong At All;" "There Are No Problems"
Mon Aug 17 20:47:21 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Center for Disease Control Issues Single Word Press Release: "Oops"
— @khymchanur
Mon Aug 17 20:40:20 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Popular Uprising Brutally Suppressed
Mon Aug 17 19:08:54 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn More and More Young Americans Practicing "Transvaginal Evisceration"
Mon Aug 17 10:23:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @themarevas So, his name isn't Tethkorh... So much for the Prophecy Of The Desert Goat.
— @King_Of_Flesh
Mon Aug 17 05:05:05 +0000 2015
Sources: South Florida President's Full Name "Tyler Jared Winthrop," As Foretold in Prophecy @themarevas
Mon Aug 17 02:56:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 What does the T stand for? Tyrannosaurus? Is this confirmation of his status as a Dinosaur American?
— @themarevas
Mon Aug 17 02:55:46 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Oprah Winfrey shares a clip of her exclusive interview: http://t.co/9m7QlnXCZC
— @DangerSuave
Mon Aug 17 01:11:01 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 Remember, citizen, betraying humanity is a Class IV heresy!
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Aug 17 01:03:59 +0000 2015
Postmaster-General Discovered to be Swarm of Bees in Man Suit, Forced to Resign
Mon Aug 17 00:51:23 +0000 2015
Governor of North Florida Calls for US Military to Occupy South Florida, Depose "Treasonous" President T. Jared Winthrop
Sun Aug 16 21:13:21 +0000 2015
South Florida Legalizes Everything
Sun Aug 16 20:15:59 +0000 2015
Alabama Teen Wins National "Least Infested" Award
Sun Aug 16 18:12:26 +0000 2015
Postmaster-General Denies Staff Allegations of "Enormous Hive" Beneath Post Office Headquarters
Sat Aug 15 20:51:43 +0000 2015
URGENT NEWS starbucks using 'the fist' and 'chemistry'.
— @direlog_ebooks
Sat Aug 15 18:26:27 +0000 2015
Wyoming Man Arrested for Obeying Law Without Paying Royalties
Fri Aug 14 20:50:47 +0000 2015
Staten Island: Man Wanted For Blood Crimes In Armed Standoff With Police, Sets Himself On Fire @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/YztOPaoO33
— @pvlstaven
Fri Aug 14 18:26:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/CpOI64Rp1D
— @timserpas
Fri Aug 14 18:24:21 +0000 2015
Republicans Warn of Nationwide Shortage of Opinions
Fri Aug 14 05:17:10 +0000 2015
Why US Banks Are Scared of Ants
— @hail_ants_bot
Fri Aug 14 00:48:09 +0000 2015
Tricky Witches Accused of Welfare Fraud
Thu Aug 13 17:02:51 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 @HeadlineSmasher He's probably hoarding the Fountain of Youth in his backyard. Ugh, Florida men are the worst.
— @themarevas
Thu Aug 13 17:00:48 +0000 2015
Spider Council Voices "Tentative Support" for Bernie Sanders
Thu Aug 13 16:13:38 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Pain Citadels Endorse Donald Trump
Thu Aug 13 16:12:58 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Promises to Institute "Random Electrocution Collars" for All Americans, Foreigners
Thu Aug 13 16:11:48 +0000 2015
Under Corbyn, Shadow Cabinet Will Be Renamed 'Cabinet Of The Shadows', Warns MP
— @CorbynWarnings
Thu Aug 13 16:08:55 +0000 2015
Antibiotics Not Effective Against Corbyn, Warn Doctors
— @CorbynWarnings
Thu Aug 13 16:08:51 +0000 2015
Florida Man Reveals Secret Of Eternal Youth @HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Thu Aug 13 16:08:13 +0000 2015
He Hammered a Nail Into a Spray Bottle and Made It to Age 110
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu Aug 13 16:08:12 +0000 2015
Scott Walker Promises to "Exterminate" Single Mothers
Thu Aug 13 16:06:48 +0000 2015
@timescanner Overclock Your Soul.
— @NeilaK20
Thu Aug 13 16:06:18 +0000 2015
New Study: Microsoft Office Assistant "Clippy" Causes Cancer
Tue Aug 11 22:12:32 +0000 2015
Police Commissioner: "Their Flesh Will Feed The Hive"
Tue Aug 11 05:23:40 +0000 2015
Witnesses: St. Louis Police Hurling "Screaming Protesters" into Digestion Pools
Tue Aug 11 05:21:02 +0000 2015
Republicans Want to Ask for a Big Mac Dipped in Tar
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Aug 11 05:12:59 +0000 2015
Harper-Collins Apologizes for "Inaccuracies" in 2014 Title "Survive Decapitation in 7 Easy Steps," Settles Lawsuit With Victims' Families
Tue Aug 11 01:04:04 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Announce Plans to "Lay Siege" to Police Hives Nationwide
Mon Aug 10 20:45:07 +0000 2015
Questioned by Activists, STL Mayor Breaks Down Screaming "We Are Better Than You," Is Escorted Away by Men in Conical White Hats
Mon Aug 10 20:28:17 +0000 2015
Pundits: "Cruel, Violent Racism" A "Pillar of American Superiority;" Must Be "Preserved At All Costs"
Mon Aug 10 20:20:24 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Children May Lose Impressions of Whites As "Morally Superior," Call for "Respectful Cooperation" from Activists
Mon Aug 10 20:17:47 +0000 2015
Commissioner: False Image of Minorities as "Violent," "Irresponsible" "Absolutely Essential" to American Brand Identity
Mon Aug 10 20:14:21 +0000 2015
STL Police Commissioner Condemns Minorities For "Failure to Cooperate" With "Branding Initiatives"
Mon Aug 10 20:12:23 +0000 2015
Rand Paul Demands "Impalement" of "Gluttons"
Mon Aug 10 20:09:54 +0000 2015
Evil prisms cannot even disproportionately target minorities!
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Aug 10 20:07:34 +0000 2015
9/10 doctors agree: evil prisms are not a sufficient replacement for a highly-trained police force!
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Aug 10 20:07:31 +0000 2015
Florida Man Films First Orb Porn
Mon Aug 10 18:52:48 +0000 2015
Pacific Nations Prepare for a Threesome
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Aug 10 05:12:44 +0000 2015
FAA Apologizes for Appearance of Second Sun, Cites "Clerical Errors"
Sun Aug 09 23:53:06 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Californians Report Second Sun Rising in West
Sun Aug 09 16:54:13 +0000 2015
22 Side Effects of the Midwest
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Aug 08 20:10:22 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Promises to Set All Foreigners On Fire, "Whether Elected Or Not"
Sat Aug 08 03:35:25 +0000 2015
A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide for Psychopaths
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Aug 08 00:10:38 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment on Suppressed Washing Machine Manuals, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Turns Deathly Pale, Excuses Self
Fri Aug 07 20:16:41 +0000 2015
Illuminati Documents Reveal "Far-Reaching Conspiracy" to Suppress All Copies of User's Manual for Specific Washing Machine Built in 1997
Fri Aug 07 20:06:23 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 Redactions were to keep the Illuminati from knowledge they're not cleared for. You thought they were the top?
— @Spkr2Managers
Fri Aug 07 20:04:09 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Excellent journalism! I hope for more documents soon.
— @insomniacity
Fri Aug 07 16:58:22 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 No, you simply lack clearance to see past the black.
— @insomniacity
Fri Aug 07 16:58:20 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 It's more a matter of habit than security.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Aug 07 16:58:12 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Wait, the Illuminati censor and redact the memos they send each other?
— @khymchanur
Fri Aug 07 16:58:08 +0000 2015
First Leaked Illuminati Document Cleared for Release http://t.co/yPrxcHtSBf
Fri Aug 07 04:56:19 +0000 2015
Council of Newslords Votes Unanimously to Begin Reviewing Leaked Illuminati Documents for Publication
Fri Aug 07 03:05:28 +0000 2015
Illuminati Simultaneously Confirms, Denies Authenticity of Leaked Documents; Orchestrates Kidnapping of Own Spokesperson
Fri Aug 07 02:58:28 +0000 2015
Anonymous Source Leaks 10GB Archive of "Internal Illuminati Records, Communications"
Fri Aug 07 02:56:43 +0000 2015
South Florida President T. Jared Winthrop Promises to Lower Alcohol Prices Through "Raids" on US Territory, "'Gator Wrassling"
Thu Aug 06 22:21:45 +0000 2015
First President of New "People's Republic of South Florida" Gives Televised Address While Snorting Cocaine
Thu Aug 06 22:15:31 +0000 2015
Southern Florida Secedes
Thu Aug 06 20:10:24 +0000 2015
Doctors: Exposure to Cybercontaminants in Potomac May Result in "Forbidden Ideas," "Heresy"
Thu Aug 06 19:53:23 +0000 2015
D.C.: "Catastrophic" Data Spill Contaminates Potomac With "Cyberhazardous Materials"
Thu Aug 06 19:46:30 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/gNRdtuyETk
— @khymchanur
Thu Aug 06 19:15:53 +0000 2015
Jimmy Fallon expected to bring torrential rainfall: CWB
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu Aug 06 09:09:50 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Asked to Comment on Proposal, Cambridge Police Commissioner Shrieks, Leaps Into Press Pool, Devours Reporters
Thu Aug 06 00:59:59 +0000 2015
... sounds like an improvement ... https://t.co/6XZVDUGweH
— @ireneista
Thu Aug 06 00:49:46 +0000 2015
MIT Professor Publishes "Innovative" Proposal to Replace Police with "Evil Prisms"
Thu Aug 06 00:41:08 +0000 2015
Bad news: all the Republican candidates were killed in a tragic blimp accident http://t.co/yZWwYLfnVj
— @lanyardigan
Wed Aug 05 21:55:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/g2tYf20EYG
— @wademcgillis
Wed Aug 05 18:23:31 +0000 2015
The Chronicle is cribbing from @ApprovedNews6 "Sheriff: 'Ritualistic' killings may be tied to blue moon" http://t.co/WYa1o1m2zw
— @substitute
Wed Aug 05 16:07:43 +0000 2015
BEES
— @3fingeredfox
Tue Aug 04 23:57:16 +0000 2015
Weather Report Interrupted by Florida Man Catching Fish in Street With Bare Hands http://t.co/6znUrNJyjn
— @_FloridaMan
Tue Aug 04 18:58:36 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
SOUND OF FOREBODING WIND IN LONG-FORGOTTEN TUNNELS
https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Tue Aug 04 18:23:42 +0000 2015
http://t.co/nMXEGRZUgX
— @getaphrase
Tue Aug 04 18:14:03 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/N549cg7FLa
— @themarevas
Tue Aug 04 18:10:14 +0000 2015
the orbs want infinite power in the crime zone
— @antisleep_
Tue Aug 04 00:19:19 +0000 2015
'Maze Runner' Returns With a Heart-Wrenching Note and a Masturbating Monkey
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Aug 04 00:11:57 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 #weather https://t.co/yiMZTcbKYJ
— @rabcyr
Mon Aug 03 23:05:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Asexuals Against Rand Paul: he'll turn us into children!
— @themarevas
Mon Aug 03 20:32:44 +0000 2015
APA: "Special Snowflakes" Should Be Treated Through "Condescending Pats on Head"
Mon Aug 03 20:12:46 +0000 2015
Rand Paul: Clinton "Would Turn America" Into "Sex-Based Economy"
Mon Aug 03 20:08:27 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn of "Secret Government Sex Facilities"
Mon Aug 03 19:55:48 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Donations of Currency, Biomass, & Cursed Jewelry to Bring You
REDACTED
http://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Mon Aug 03 19:51:23 +0000 2015
CIA, NSA Renew Intelligence-Sharing Agreements with the Everchurch of the Thousand Shining Eyes
Mon Aug 03 16:32:33 +0000 2015
doors a growing threat to privacy
— @garblefart
Mon Aug 03 16:27:18 +0000 2015
Donald Trump joins cast of Game of Thrones
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Aug 03 04:08:27 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Écriture Oblige: On Journalistic Obligation, by Newslord 7 http://t.co/jWC8gIijHs
Mon Aug 03 02:18:15 +0000 2015
Rand Paul Accuses Donald Trump of "Shortsightedness," Declares War on All Forms of Information
Mon Aug 03 01:12:45 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 AND THE NEWS DECLARES WAR UPON DONALD TRUMP
— @themarevas
Mon Aug 03 01:11:57 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Declares War on News
Mon Aug 03 01:10:53 +0000 2015
There should be @ApprovedNews6 but for Health https://t.co/9rbUHDlmN0
— @rabcyr
Sat Aug 01 23:57:34 +0000 2015
FEMA is building camps for people without a positive attitude
— @3fingeredfox
Sat Aug 01 16:48:56 +0000 2015
The quality of reporting on extraplanar threats is really going down the drain. @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/PRJXzgyg34
— @pvlstaven
Sat Aug 01 16:22:33 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Obama Appears Nationwide in All Reflective Surfaces Holding Single Orange Candle, Assures Americans "All Is Well"
Fri Jul 31 23:11:50 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Obama Attacked by Swarm of Enraged Bats During White House Press Conference, Entire City Plunged Into "Searing Darkness"
Fri Jul 31 23:06:57 +0000 2015
Google Reports Spike in Searches For "Worst Orifice"
Fri Jul 31 18:42:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 that's spectre regulations.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Jul 31 18:17:47 +0000 2015
FCC Warns Microsoft "Afterlife 365" May Violate Spectrum Regulations
Fri Jul 31 18:16:07 +0000 2015
They have come. And as ever we are unprepared. You would do well to hide, commuters. Severe delays on all lines due to Flying Ant Day.
— @TlfTravelAlerts
Fri Jul 31 16:54:37 +0000 2015
Microsoft to Unveil New Afterlife
Fri Jul 31 16:31:20 +0000 2015
Taliban Profit Tops View, But Outlook Weak
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Jul 31 03:18:29 +0000 2015
How Africa's hippest lion shot a hunter
— @Vice_Is_Hip
Thu Jul 30 22:45:25 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Depends on Contributions From "Viewers" Like You to Avoid "Fading" Into "Mists Of History" https://t.co/snyXIBnAPx
Thu Jul 30 20:16:15 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 This is why the Coven of Trickster Witches supports the tradition of apprenticeship rather than substandard public ed.
— @themarevas
Thu Jul 30 17:26:22 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Teachers Remind First-Graders To "Pay Special Care When Submitting Governmental Forms"
— @_ardeej
Thu Jul 30 17:26:14 +0000 2015
Teachers Warn Hundreds of First Graders Killed Each Year by "Careless Misspelling"
Wed Jul 29 21:17:00 +0000 2015
Pressed on Cosmic Ray Incident, State Department Spokeswoman Begins Firing Randomly into Press Pool
Wed Jul 29 21:13:11 +0000 2015
Hundreds of Common Dreams Recalled by Manufacturers
Wed Jul 29 21:11:09 +0000 2015
Batch of Big-Budget Films to Be Freed From Captivity in Afghanistan
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jul 29 20:11:28 +0000 2015
Secret Service Spokeswoman Denies "Despicable Lies" of Inside Source, Urges Them to Turn Self In, "Ere All Be Lost"
Wed Jul 29 18:48:33 +0000 2015
Inside Source: Secret Service Has Arrested 4 "Seeming Duplicates" of President Obama Since March
Wed Jul 29 18:43:51 +0000 2015
Hell Ambassador Calls on Americans to Support Reestablishiment of Soul Trade
Wed Jul 29 18:37:09 +0000 2015
California: Gov. Brown Signs Bill Banning Sale of Children's Books with Functional Digestive Systems
Wed Jul 29 18:33:13 +0000 2015
Samsung Galaxy, spy for Israel, to be subject of feature film
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Jul 29 17:09:03 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Refuses to Comment on "Leaked" Grainy Footage Allegedly Depicting Him Pledging Allegiance to "The Glandmother"
Wed Jul 29 02:34:30 +0000 2015
Congressional Republicans: Libertarian Groups "Compromised by the Archfungus," Must Be "Destroyed" At "Any Cost"
Sun Jul 26 18:44:02 +0000 2015
Libertarian Groups Call for Transition to "Spore-based Economy"
Sun Jul 26 18:28:04 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens: DARPA Theological Weapons Program Poses "Difficult Questions" @themarevas
Sun Jul 26 16:34:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Would this program weaponize clergy of organized religions or the divinely blessed layperson as well?
— @themarevas
Sun Jul 26 16:33:31 +0000 2015
DARPA Announces New "Theological Weapons" Program
Sun Jul 26 15:24:33 +0000 2015
Alert @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/kaNuwIRpQw
— @samsrabin
Sun Jul 26 02:25:41 +0000 2015
MIT Department of Inadequacy: "110%" of Americans "Completely Pathetic," "Maddeningly Inferior"
Sat Jul 25 21:25:16 +0000 2015
New Study: Most Dangerous Profession "Innocent Bystander"
Sat Jul 25 19:41:29 +0000 2015
Watch Justin Bieber Dating So Many SPIDERS
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jul 25 13:17:45 +0000 2015
Leonardo Da Vinci Shows Off His Cheeky Gandalf Underpants on Stage
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jul 25 00:10:57 +0000 2015
This week, in weird newspaper layouts... http://t.co/hu5ynhl0j0 http://t.co/YxvsK0p992
— @CJR
Fri Jul 24 18:17:52 +0000 2015
Dr. Bloodcrunch X. Panzerfaust Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize for Work on "Breakthrough" Peace Talks Between Ireland, Shadow Ireland
Fri Jul 24 06:18:09 +0000 2015
Experts "Hopeful" Discovery Will Lead to Treatment Options For Sufferers of Congenital Shadow Absence
Fri Jul 24 05:26:31 +0000 2015
Doctors Discover Hormone Controlling Development of Human Shadow
Fri Jul 24 05:24:16 +0000 2015
Pain King Annouces "Ebola 2.0"
Fri Jul 24 04:59:15 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Releases Excerpt from Upcoming Memoirs | http://t.co/1ACuqOK2gN
Fri Jul 24 04:46:13 +0000 2015
Sen. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) Arrested on Charges of Unlicensed Necromancy
Fri Jul 24 01:53:49 +0000 2015
Leading Goat Ritualists Slam Study as "Falsified;" Warn of "Government Scheme" to "Confiscate Your Goats"
Fri Jul 24 01:37:57 +0000 2015
Goat Ritualists "Left Red-Faced" After Experiments Prove Gravity Caused by Mass, Not Goats
Fri Jul 24 01:32:35 +0000 2015
NASA finds 'Earth's bigger, older cybercousin'
— @cyberprefixer
Thu Jul 23 20:44:29 +0000 2015
CDC Introduces "Fun, Educational" Coloring Book of World's Deadliest, Most Disfiguring Diseases
Thu Jul 23 18:32:09 +0000 2015
Staffers: "Paul Plan" to "Double" Current Minimum Monthly Bribe Quotas
Thu Jul 23 08:09:07 +0000 2015
Sen. Rand Paul Announces "Ambitious" Plans to Increase Congressional Corruption
Thu Jul 23 08:07:42 +0000 2015
MIT Professor Arrested for Heresy After Arguing That Clams "Utterly Harmless," "Pose No Threat"
Thu Jul 23 08:04:07 +0000 2015
"He Always Seemed Like A Normal Guy:" Texas "In Shock" After 7 "Upstanding Citizens" Found to be Practicing Dentists
Thu Jul 23 08:02:35 +0000 2015
Swarm of Mississippi Ambush Frogs Captures Plutonium Shipment
Thu Jul 23 07:59:43 +0000 2015
American Lawn-Care Association Accused of Using Child Soldiers
Thu Jul 23 07:57:00 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Lawcrime
Thu Jul 23 07:55:34 +0000 2015
Gov. Scott Walker Calls for "Maximum Monthly Thought Quotas"
Wed Jul 22 05:12:24 +0000 2015
Mattel Debuts New Barbie Doll With Built-In 1.7-Gigawatt Laser
Wed Jul 22 04:58:00 +0000 2015
Sen. Sanders Proposes Legislation Allowing Food Stamp Recipients to Purchase Food
Wed Jul 22 04:51:33 +0000 2015
"Police Should Obey The Law:" Attorney-General Makes "Inflammatory" Comment on CNN
Wed Jul 22 04:48:27 +0000 2015
Salem Officials: Evacuation "For Residents' Own Safety;" Fairies "Do Not Exist"
Wed Jul 22 04:17:01 +0000 2015
Salem, OR Evacuated Due to Impending Fairy "Flower Festival"
Wed Jul 22 04:16:05 +0000 2015
Why Would Someone on Food Stamps Eat Dinner
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jul 22 04:10:46 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Vast Network of Heavily-Fortified Underground Bunkers Discovered Under Washington
Wed Jul 22 04:09:46 +0000 2015
DHHS To Issue "Vouchers" for "Blood & Blood Products"
Wed Jul 22 04:09:09 +0000 2015
Ohio Gov. Kasich Criticizes "Callous" Conservative Message, Calls for "Euthanasia" of "The Poor & Undesirable"
Wed Jul 22 04:01:46 +0000 2015
@HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6 4. The fae do not understand the concept of consent. Arm yourself accordingly. Cold iron and 4 leaf clovers.
— @themarevas
Wed Jul 22 00:32:29 +0000 2015
@HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6 3. NOT being asked to participate in a ritual as a sacrifice. Waking up, bound and gagged, on a stone altar.
— @themarevas
Wed Jul 22 00:32:25 +0000 2015
@HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6 2. Being asked to participate in a ritual as a sacrifice.
— @themarevas
Wed Jul 22 00:32:22 +0000 2015
@HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6 1. Unicorns. They are not sweetness and light. They are hungry. So very hungry for thy heat and flesh.
— @themarevas
Wed Jul 22 00:32:14 +0000 2015
@HeadlineSmasher @ApprovedNews6 6. The old deities humanity once worshipped still enjoy the odd human sacrifice.
— @themarevas
Wed Jul 22 00:32:00 +0000 2015
7 Horrific Realities of Being Pure at Heart
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jul 22 00:19:55 +0000 2015
Beethoven Used This Strategy to Keep Bikes Safe and Butts Comfy
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jul 22 00:11:26 +0000 2015
Dr. Corpsesmith's Triumphal Bone March Has Been Re-Scheduled For Your Dreams, Please Make a Note Of It
— @manual_txt
Tue Jul 21 12:10:12 +0000 2015
#ClasesInspiradoras con #ProfesoresInspiradores http://t.co/uZPiK4NpQb
— @Tecdemty666_
Tue Jul 21 12:08:19 +0000 2015
Critics: Clinton “Supported High Voltage” Prole Slum Pain Fields “As Late As 2012”
Tue Jul 21 07:12:11 +0000 2015
Clinton Vows to Lower Pain Field Voltage in Prole Slums
Tue Jul 21 07:07:20 +0000 2015
Feral Construction Cranes Sighted in Alabama
Tue Jul 21 06:57:41 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 Florida Animal Control Releases Dire Poodle Photofit, Recommends Panic. http://t.co/CaABZIEYVu
— @heretohinder
Tue Jul 21 05:59:31 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Heroic Explorer Discovers Website of Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals http://t.co/2BHgLvtWM4
Mon Jul 20 23:49:11 +0000 2015
You Shouldn't Use Brass Knuckles to Kill Mick Jagger, Agent Says
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jul 20 20:11:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Obviously because he was in on it.
— @themarevas
Mon Jul 20 16:08:58 +0000 2015
Florida Man "Only Survivor" of Dire Poodle Attack
Mon Jul 20 15:21:28 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Home Owners Association Outbreak in California. "Even More Contagious Than Previous Strains" Said a CDC Source.
— @khymchanur
Mon Jul 20 14:58:43 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Pressed for Comment, Sen. Sanders Rises Slowly Into Sky
Mon Jul 20 07:08:48 +0000 2015
Bernie Sanders: "The Iron Children Wail of Oak & Glass," "Beneath A Cursed Bough, The Egret Spreads Its Wings of Steam*
Mon Jul 20 07:05:19 +0000 2015
Apple Holds "Slogan Contest;" Winner to "Become An App"
Sun Jul 19 17:08:48 +0000 2015
This Young Wizard Surprised Everyone; What He Did Next Darkened the Moon and Turned the Skies to Blood
— @PureGreySilence
Sun Jul 19 17:07:35 +0000 2015
14 Heretical Words Your Dog Probably Already Knows
— @PureGreySilence
Sun Jul 19 17:05:32 +0000 2015
Mount Carmel Police to Utilize Flying Ants
— @hail_ants_bot
Sun Jul 19 16:47:45 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Residents of San Antonio Reportedly Unable to Speak Except in "Dissonant Clanging"
Sun Jul 19 06:49:29 +0000 2015
"The Stars Are Eating Us:" Man With Bleeding Red Voids Where Eyes Should Have Been Hijacks CNN, Makes Rambling Pronouncement
Sun Jul 19 04:12:30 +0000 2015
Phrase "VILE HOMUNCULUS" Found Engraved on All Municipal Fire Hydrants in 200-Mile Radius of Boise, ID
Sun Jul 19 04:11:30 +0000 2015
A Volcano Threatens, but the Rack Is Intact
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jul 19 04:10:40 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Police Release Man Found Innocent of Crime
Sun Jul 19 04:09:46 +0000 2015
5 Fish Clearly Designed by a Five-Year-Old
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Jul 18 20:11:27 +0000 2015
Such sultry weather as we have been having makes a man feel like taking off his flesh & sitting around in his bones. ND1883
— @TweetsofOld
Sat Jul 18 03:45:30 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 News tip: https://t.co/6fABpwdIzR
— @Guruzilla
Sat Jul 18 02:19:29 +0000 2015
Iowa: Beginning 2016, Innocence Will No Longer Be Prosecutable Offense; Corrections Officials "Scrambling" to Implement New Policies
Fri Jul 17 16:52:03 +0000 2015
Greece Should Turn to Ants to Break Debt Spiral, Economist John Perkins Says
— @hail_ants_bot
Fri Jul 17 16:47:20 +0000 2015
Another Moronic Little Kid Has Made Millions Smile
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jul 17 16:42:07 +0000 2015
Great news: scientists have figured out how to make your water slime taste just like an animal! https://t.co/0i5mijBAEf
— @mattdpearce
Fri Jul 17 15:22:47 +0000 2015
Colorado Legislature: Beginning in 2016, Mutants May File Application to Have Mouths, Tongues Unstapled
Fri Jul 17 06:07:18 +0000 2015
Colorado Passes "Controversial" Legislation Allowing Mutants to Speak
Fri Jul 17 06:00:44 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Sun "Shining Brightly" in Washington D.C., "Nowhere Else"
Fri Jul 17 05:56:20 +0000 2015
Illuminati, Holy See Reach Agreement to Recapture Pope Francis, Papal Orb
Fri Jul 17 05:55:12 +0000 2015
Flock of Mountains Seen Crossing Atlantic Ocean
Fri Jul 17 05:49:25 +0000 2015
Vatican Sources: Papal Death Toll Reaches 400
Fri Jul 17 05:44:14 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Shrouded Figures Wandering Streets of D.C., Steam Pouring From Open Mouths
Fri Jul 17 05:42:25 +0000 2015
NOAA Warns "Plague of Dancing Men" to Affect Southeast United States Over Weekend
Fri Jul 17 05:38:24 +0000 2015
"It Must Be Destroyed:" Solemn NASA Administrator Proposes Mission to Nuke Pluto
Fri Jul 17 05:36:47 +0000 2015
Obama Seen Simultaneously at Four Press Conferences Worldwide
Fri Jul 17 05:35:49 +0000 2015
Surgeon General: Average American Body Mass Index "Nearly High Enough" to Begin "The Harvest"
Fri Jul 17 05:34:06 +0000 2015
Four Navy Destroyers Sunk in "Disastrous" Stealth Attack on Aircraft Carrier Stolen by Charles J. Bloodhorn International Charities
Fri Jul 17 05:32:50 +0000 2015
Postmaster General: Flying Lizard Squads "Relic of a
REDACTED
Past," Drone-Mounted Lasers "Far More Efficient" at "Countering Subversion"
Fri Jul 17 05:30:23 +0000 2015
Post Office to Retire Last Flying Lizard Squad
Fri Jul 17 05:27:44 +0000 2015
Donald Trump Denies Accusations His Hair "Parasitic Lifeform" From "Cursed Planet"
Fri Jul 17 05:26:51 +0000 2015
Human love can be very frightening
— @NYTMinusContext
Thu Jul 16 19:59:10 +0000 2015
16 Reasons Nuke Deal Is an Ant Victory and a Western Catastrophe
— @hail_ants_bot
Thu Jul 16 06:47:09 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/5cehKCxEDd
— @rabcyr
Thu Jul 16 02:10:54 +0000 2015
RELATED: American Family Council Disputes 2014 Study Concluding Heterosexuality Cursed
Thu Jul 16 00:27:58 +0000 2015
After 10-Year Study, Physicists Conclude Plutonium "Cursed"
Thu Jul 16 00:23:50 +0000 2015
DNC Chairbeast Warns Democratic Primary "Unstoppable"
Thu Jul 16 00:10:58 +0000 2015
Lays Announces Development of World's Unhealthiest Food
Wed Jul 15 23:46:18 +0000 2015
NASA: Photos of Pluto Transmitted by Probe "Have Confirmed Our Worst Fears"
Wed Jul 15 15:13:06 +0000 2015
You Have a Huge Design Flaw
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jul 14 04:11:09 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewer Contributions for "Crucial" Sacrifices Unto News Gods http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Jul 13 16:24:51 +0000 2015
I Voted Republican and All I Got Was This Bad Acid
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jul 13 01:48:49 +0000 2015
Doctors to Attempt World's First Thanatectomy
Mon Jul 13 00:58:47 +0000 2015
Government Sources: Independence Day "Did Not Survive" Decontamination Procedures
Sun Jul 12 09:47:32 +0000 2015
@jacobalbano @ApprovedNews6 Entire State Of Florida Found To Be Built On Indian Burial Ground
— @TheDoorTHEDOOR
Sun Jul 12 09:39:36 +0000 2015
Florida Woman Accidentally Shot in Face With Cake
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jul 12 09:34:54 +0000 2015
Attempt to Surgically Remove Apple Watch from Owner Leads to
REDACTED
Sun Jul 12 03:41:34 +0000 2015
Apple Denies Rumors Apple Watch "Contaminated"
Sun Jul 12 03:39:15 +0000 2015
Twenty naughty girls from Newton Falls came to Garrettsville last night and smoked, chewed gum, and talked perfectly awful slang. OH1887
— @TweetsofOld
Sun Jul 12 03:02:05 +0000 2015
.@IxionFaust Newslords: News Engines "Ineffable," "Fickle"
Sun Jul 12 00:22:25 +0000 2015
Dept. of Justice: Justice "Will Not Be Tolerated"
Sun Jul 12 00:19:57 +0000 2015
Apple: New "Soulmerge" Service "Automatic," "Compulsory"
Sat Jul 11 23:03:15 +0000 2015
Apple CEO Tim Cook Announces New "Soulmerge" Service
Sat Jul 11 22:11:02 +0000 2015
"It Cannot Be Removed": Enthusiastic Apple Watch Customers Report Watches Have "Grown Into Their Flesh"
Sat Jul 11 22:07:50 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/fENF4WD5Qz
— @khymchanur
Sat Jul 11 00:16:24 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Eating Star
Fri Jul 10 19:58:23 +0000 2015
6 Terrifying Spiders That Will Give You Pause Before Buying Legos
— @HeadlineSmasher
Fri Jul 10 01:10:46 +0000 2015
DARPA To Weaponize Oneirovores
Fri Jul 10 00:10:15 +0000 2015
Miami Doctors to Perform World's First Volcanectomy
Thu Jul 09 22:41:40 +0000 2015
University of Oregon Department of Linguistics Warns of Impending Syllabovore Infestation
Thu Jul 09 20:45:10 +0000 2015
STATUS: The buses are tired. The roads are tired. Time itself is tired. The trams pray to their gods. There is a good service on all lines.
— @TlfTravelAlerts
Thu Jul 09 17:09:23 +0000 2015
@Gawker @ApprovedNews6 Fear Scientists: "It's Always Time to Panic"
— @khymchanur
Thu Jul 09 03:14:41 +0000 2015
The mosquitos are out in full dress parade--using machine guns. TX1919
— @TweetsofOld
Wed Jul 08 21:31:19 +0000 2015
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Sources: https://t.co/RB6YZu0YRj
— @_ardeej
Wed Jul 08 20:48:40 +0000 2015
Today's pattern of mysterious disasters indicate it is time to panic.
— @Gawker
Wed Jul 08 19:22:37 +0000 2015
Kentucky Clerk Caught On Camera Refusing Gay Couple Destiny
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Jul 08 19:08:15 +0000 2015
TSA Detains Dozens of Suspected "Thought Terrorists"
Wed Jul 08 06:15:37 +0000 2015
"A Calamity Averted:" Coast Guard Stands Down Alert After All Clams Seen to "Retreat Peacefully" into Pacific Ocean
Wed Jul 08 04:58:22 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: Ghosts Well Known to be Afraid of "Holes", "Surgical Scars"
— @khymchanur
Wed Jul 08 04:57:37 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Demand "Mandatory Trepanation" for Children, "To Keep the Ghosts Out"
Wed Jul 08 00:57:19 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Coast Guard Confirms Clams "Sighted On Land" in California; Obama Authorizes Use of Nuclear Weapons
Tue Jul 07 22:57:59 +0000 2015
West Coast Evacuated After Clam Sighting
Tue Jul 07 15:00:39 +0000 2015
Wormology should be studied by every parent. If your child is pasty faced, always seems hungry, you can be sure the trouble is worms. MO1908
— @TweetsofOld
Tue Jul 07 14:59:57 +0000 2015
Why Are People Pooping
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jul 07 13:17:03 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
"Visibly Terrified" Coast Guard Spokesman Confirms Clam Sighting
Tue Jul 07 03:13:25 +0000 2015
People with Windows 8 can now read (and write!) Bill's mind. @ApprovedNews6
— @stribika
Tue Jul 07 00:59:12 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Bill Gates' Distributed Consciousness Targeted as Malware by Antivirus Packages
Tue Jul 07 00:48:04 +0000 2015
Ant Oil Exports to Double Following Nuclear Deal
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Jul 07 00:47:20 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Bill Gates Mass-Uploads Own Mind to All Windows 8 Installations
Tue Jul 07 00:30:46 +0000 2015
Notorious Philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn Accused of "Consorting with the Contaminarchs"
Mon Jul 06 20:38:28 +0000 2015
Holy Sh*t: Watch Two Divers Almost Get Eaten by Inmates on Death Row
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jul 05 22:14:33 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Complain of Everything
— @_ardeej
Sun Jul 05 05:46:10 +0000 2015
HOLIDAY UPDATE: THE SKY IS RETALIATING
— @Still_A_Threat
Sat Jul 04 23:42:11 +0000 2015
Why Ants Wants a Nuclear Deal
— @hail_ants_bot
Sat Jul 04 16:47:11 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Complain of "Government Hell Children"
Sat Jul 04 16:27:04 +0000 2015
Dozens of Somber Men in White Suits Carrying Chainsaws Seen Entering Hospital in Seattle, WA
Sat Jul 04 15:35:30 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation & Bone Heresy Issues Condemnation of Vigilante Actions Against Contamination, Is Accused of "Partisanship"
Sat Jul 04 06:42:11 +0000 2015
Democrats: Romney's Journey to Whispering Caverns "Staggering Demogoguery," "Completely Irresponsible"
Sat Jul 04 06:40:35 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
In Response to Contamination of July 4th, Romney Announces Plans to Undertake Journey to "The Whispering Caverns"
Sat Jul 04 06:39:21 +0000 2015
Republicans Blame Obama for Contamination of Independence Day
Sat Jul 04 06:32:45 +0000 2015
#Teens: Should #boys be allowed to #cry or is it kind of #iffy? #JoinTheConvo
— @GOPTeens
Sat Jul 04 06:27:42 +0000 2015
Obama: July 4th Must Be "Purified" Before Americans Can Celebrate Nation's Founding Genocides
Sat Jul 04 06:27:22 +0000 2015
Obama Issues Emergency Press Statement: Independence Day "Confirmed Contaminated"
Sat Jul 04 06:26:46 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Spider Council, Scream Council Accuse Each Other of Being Creator of New "Screaming Spider" Species
— @khymchanur
Sat Jul 04 06:03:48 +0000 2015
Why are falcons so often considered to be animals?
— @deepquestionbot
Sat Jul 04 05:54:17 +0000 2015
Dallas, TX Breaches Containment
Sat Jul 04 03:22:22 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Press Secretary Erases Reporters' Minds With "Seven Dismal Notes" from Ancient Bone Flute
Sat Jul 04 03:05:15 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, White House Press Secretary Performs Elaborate, Mournful Dance With Hundreds of Exact Replicas
Sat Jul 04 03:00:50 +0000 2015
Panic Mounts as Friday Approaches End With No Sign of Independence Day
Sat Jul 04 02:59:16 +0000 2015
GOSSIP: Taylor Swift Rumored to be Dating Intricate Crystalline Structure Hundreds of Miles Across
Sat Jul 04 02:54:11 +0000 2015
"A Huminitarian Nightmare:" California Sexquake Leads to Hundreds of Orgies
Sat Jul 04 01:27:45 +0000 2015
It's in the tunnel
— @trimetscanner
Fri Jul 03 00:10:46 +0000 2015
Experts: All Challenges Faced by Queer Americans "Completely Eradicated" by Legalization of Marriage Contracts Between Spouses of Same Sex
Fri Jul 03 00:10:13 +0000 2015
LGBT Activists on Gay Marriage: "Everything Is Perfect Now," "There Is Nothing Wrong in All The World"
Fri Jul 03 00:09:01 +0000 2015
National Organization for Marriage Eaten
Fri Jul 03 00:03:51 +0000 2015
@Skeletonsrights DMV Sources:
UNEARTHLY WAIL
Thu Jul 02 19:01:41 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Obama Seen Simultaneously in Press Room, Oval Office; Obama Issues "Firm Denial"
Thu Jul 02 16:34:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 the Milwaukee show was special [shows skull-shaped scar]
— @substitute
Thu Jul 02 06:31:18 +0000 2015
Thousands Flee the Great Connecticut Undercroft, Refuse to Explain Why
Thu Jul 02 06:31:01 +0000 2015
Pain Citadels Conclude 2015 Mortification Tour
Thu Jul 02 06:27:36 +0000 2015
CORRECTION: Hitler Clone Found at Johns Hopkins University Fifth Such Clone, Not Fourth As Previously Reported
Thu Jul 02 06:25:22 +0000 2015
Illuminati Announces Development of "New," "More Oppressive" Blindfold
Thu Jul 02 06:24:03 +0000 2015
University Administration Blames Hitler Clone on "Absentminded Students," Orders Clone Inicnerated
Thu Jul 02 06:21:24 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Fourth Hitler Clone Found in Storage of Biology Department at Johns Hopkins University
Thu Jul 02 06:20:35 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Fourth Hitler Clone Found in Storage of Biology Department at Johns Hopkins University
Thu Jul 02 06:20:35 +0000 2015
Dept. of Transportation: Affected Highways to be "Closed" for "Topological Restructuring"
Thu Jul 02 06:16:13 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Multiple Interstate Highways "No Longer Leading Where They Should," Report Distressed Road Crews
Thu Jul 02 06:14:51 +0000 2015
"It Happens Sometimes:" Secretary of Defense Dismisses Concerns Regarding Mostly-Naked Band of Yodeling Men
Thu Jul 02 06:13:04 +0000 2015
Manic Band of Yodeling Men Begins Circling Secretary of Defense
Thu Jul 02 06:12:13 +0000 2015
Florida Woman Gives Birth to Live Panther
Thu Jul 02 06:09:20 +0000 2015
Obama Contradicts Claims Made During Previous Press Conference, Seems "Confused," "Agitated"
Thu Jul 02 06:08:49 +0000 2015
"Historic" Engine of Eternal Putrefaction "Fully Repaired & Operational," Reports Maintenance Crew
Thu Jul 02 06:07:26 +0000 2015
"It Will Sicken Thirteen Generations of Your Ancestors:" Critics Hail New Archfungus Documentary
Thu Jul 02 06:05:31 +0000 2015
First Experimental Wind-Powered Exsanguination Towers Begin Operating in California
Thu Jul 02 05:57:59 +0000 2015
6 Movies That Will Make Your Groceries Blush
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jul 01 18:10:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Consumers Complain of Threats from Painapple, Slaughtermelon Corps
— @_ardeej
Wed Jul 01 07:11:08 +0000 2015
Farmers Complain of Threats to Painapple, Slaughtermelon Crops
Wed Jul 01 06:43:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: Law Hoarding "Serious Psychological Problem." "Some Judges Have Entire Rooms Crammed With Copies of the Magna Carta"
— @khymchanur
Wed Jul 01 06:38:17 +0000 2015
Activists Accuse Judges of "Hoarding Laws"
Tue Jun 30 20:02:46 +0000 2015
This Czech Company Wants to Kill Your Three-Month-Old Babies
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jun 30 02:14:09 +0000 2015
Tax Cuts, Flooding, Flying Ants Among New Fla. Laws
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Jun 30 00:49:06 +0000 2015
@velartrill "14 men on public transportation in the past week have been reduced to cubes of their component compounds say relived witnesses"
— @atonal440
Tue Jun 30 00:00:18 +0000 2015
Critics: Concerned Parents Propose "Imprisonment in Boxes" for "Nearly All Issues;" Show "Critical Lack of Innovative Thinking"
Mon Jun 29 22:05:43 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Demand "The Immodest" Be Contained Within "Slut Box"
Mon Jun 29 21:29:48 +0000 2015
How many laws is it possible to obey simultaneously?
— @pookleblinky
Sun Jun 28 23:52:20 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn of Teens Practicing "Erotic Whittling," "Sporegasm"
Sun Jun 28 10:34:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 It's not about whether you win or lose, it's about placating the ancient horrors buried under the game field.
— @khymchanur
Sun Jun 28 05:47:48 +0000 2015
An Iraqi General Says Baghdad Is Haunted
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Jun 28 02:10:57 +0000 2015
DHHS: Citizens in "Weeping Zones" Should Prepare for "Hours" of "Pointless, Unrelenting Agony"
Sat Jun 27 23:46:09 +0000 2015
Rain all day. Unrelenting, steady rain. It will be a good day to stare out the window and hope the rain is not staring back. Highs: low 70s.
— @MagicWeather
Sat Jun 27 15:45:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Tesla Motors Unveils New Line of Dread-Fueled Cars
— @khymchanur
Fri Jun 26 21:20:19 +0000 2015
It's Up to the Germans to End the Supreme Court Crisis
— @TwoHeadlines
Fri Jun 26 06:08:42 +0000 2015
BREAKING: "possible bus" may be impossible, not a bus @velartrill @ApprovedNews6
— @joe_no_body
Fri Jun 26 06:06:47 +0000 2015
.@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 "possible bus" on fire not clearly identified as trimet. sources say "oh god they're here"
— @joe_no_body
Fri Jun 26 06:01:58 +0000 2015
Experts: Nevada Bore Eel "Can Drill Through Ten Feet Of Solid Granite" in "Mere Minutes"
Fri Jun 26 05:49:37 +0000 2015
Catastrophic Mine Collapse Blamed on Infestation of Nevada Bore Eels
Fri Jun 26 05:48:08 +0000 2015
Pressed on Corpses Seen Crawling from White House Earlier In Day, Obama Begins to Hiss As Cold Black Smoke Pours From Mouth, Nose, & Ears
Fri Jun 26 05:10:22 +0000 2015
“It Is Me,” “Do Not Doubt Me, I Am Your President:” Obama Holds Press Conference, Denies Vanishing for Several Hours Earlier Today
Fri Jun 26 05:08:21 +0000 2015
max doors are shutting all by themselves
— @trimetscanner
Fri Jun 26 01:38:39 +0000 2015
D.C. Sources Report “Hundreds” of Corpses Crawling from White House
Fri Jun 26 01:35:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Obama's forsaken directives reportedly "more numerous", "too terrible for numbers" https://t.co/QOcpYVZYxR
— @_gtank
Fri Jun 26 01:28:50 +0000 2015
White House Press Secretary Refuses to Comment on Obama's Whereabouts; Orders All Reporters Drowned in "Press Pool"
Thu Jun 25 23:18:21 +0000 2015
Sources: Obama "Has Seemingly Vanished"
Thu Jun 25 23:18:12 +0000 2015
Alabama Gov. Bentley: Montgomery Mass Isolation Facility To Imprison "Thousands of Criminals, Innocents" in "Inescapable Darkness"
Thu Jun 25 23:13:34 +0000 2015
Alabama Finishes Construction on World's First Mass Isolation Complex
Thu Jun 25 23:10:38 +0000 2015
Doctors: More & More Americans Suffering from Electoral Dysfunction
Thu Jun 25 17:59:25 +0000 2015
"A Senseless, Brutal Tragedy:" Obama Offers "Sincere Condolences" to Victims of Consumer Electronics Showcase From Atop Mountain of Corpses
Thu Jun 25 17:33:53 +0000 2015
𝘽𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂: Hundreds Dead, Thousands in Critical Condition After Unpredicted Consumer Electronics Showcase
Thu Jun 25 17:29:41 +0000 2015
Republicans: Obama "Hubristic" in Claiming White House Is Own: "It Is Not For Him," "It Is Not For Any Of Us"
Thu Jun 25 06:11:05 +0000 2015
Pressed on Controversy, POTUS Emits Feral Screech; Thousands of Bats Immediately Assail Reporter
Thu Jun 25 06:09:53 +0000 2015
"You're In My House:" Obama Raises Controversy After Publicly Beheading Dozens of Innocents
Thu Jun 25 06:02:23 +0000 2015
FCC Confirms "All Contact" With Affected Portions of Iowa "Lost"
Thu Jun 25 05:47:26 +0000 2015
Almost all of Iowa is underneath this thunderstorm anvil. Gravity waves clearly visible; shadow into Illinois. http://t.co/k9gw3pTy6a
— @thestormreport
Thu Jun 25 05:46:38 +0000 2015
"Our Most Productive Legislature In Years:" Nevadans Celebrate as Hundreds of New Law Spires Emerge From Beneath the Earth
Wed Jun 24 22:55:24 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Lobby Congress to Outlaw Teens
Wed Jun 24 22:51:29 +0000 2015
Smuggling Ring Busted Providing High-School Students with "Witch Hormones"
Wed Jun 24 22:51:12 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Shadow Lands Tourism Board: Tourists "Warmly Welcomed", "Delicious"
— @khymchanur
Wed Jun 24 20:36:21 +0000 2015
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Today Three Years Ago: https://t.co/CYWr5bKOBP
— @_ardeej
Wed Jun 24 09:56:51 +0000 2015
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Sources: The Pope's New Campaign Of Terror Is In Full Effect https://t.co/ps1LZcAsfS
— @_ardeej
Wed Jun 24 09:56:49 +0000 2015
Samsung Granted Patent on Nightmares
Wed Jun 24 02:11:37 +0000 2015
Facebook Is Creating a Superior Human Species
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Jun 24 02:11:24 +0000 2015
Pentagon: Journalists "Severe Threat" to Freedom of Speech, Must be "Eliminated" to "Protect Our Troops"
Wed Jun 24 02:07:47 +0000 2015
Executives Laud AFL-CIO Stance: Euthanasia "Far More Compassionate, Merciful" Than Forcing Citizens to Endure Unproductive Remainder of Life
Wed Jun 24 02:03:39 +0000 2015
"We Need To Take Responsibility:" AFL-CIO Endorses Proposal to Replace Retirement With Euthanasia
Wed Jun 24 01:59:57 +0000 2015
Congress Approves Funding for "Large
REDACTED
Collider" to Test for Existence of Seventh Great Curse
Wed Jun 24 01:31:29 +0000 2015
"Opening the Floodgates to Welfare Fraud:" Republicans Assail DIGNITY Act as "Soft on the Poor"
Wed Jun 24 01:11:47 +0000 2015
Democrats Reassure Constituents Welfare "DIGNITY Act" Contains "Ample Exemptions" for Entities "Physically Incapable of Thought"
Wed Jun 24 01:08:24 +0000 2015
Obama Endorses Bill Requiring Welfare Recipients to Demonstrate Proof All Conscious, Unconscious Thought Dedicated to Productive Labor
Wed Jun 24 01:05:13 +0000 2015
Rand Paul Denies Allegations He Googled "Genocide Tutorial"
Wed Jun 24 00:51:40 +0000 2015
Annual Raid on the Great Minnesota Steamworks Liberates "Hundreds" of Enslaved Minnesotans, Many Children
Tue Jun 23 23:43:01 +0000 2015
Obama Orders Department of Energy to Compensate Surviving Idaho Residents
Tue Jun 23 23:37:53 +0000 2015
This Comedian Breaks Down Crying. Humanity Cheers.
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jun 23 22:10:53 +0000 2015
@_ardeej @Hyperror Scientists recommend you drink bug ichor to become more angular and cruel.
— @direlog_ebooks
Tue Jun 23 17:30:52 +0000 2015
U.S. Military Exploring Defense Methods Against Flying Ants
— @hail_ants_bot
Tue Jun 23 16:53:49 +0000 2015
Police detain illegal toilet.
— @direlog_ebooks
Tue Jun 23 04:31:48 +0000 2015
Flock of Dire Sheep Seen Death-Grazing on Murdergrass Outside Dearborn, MI; Locals Reportedly "Terrified"
Tue Jun 23 02:26:11 +0000 2015
OREGON BALLOT SCANDAL: Gov. Kate Brown Vows to Fight FEC Decision "Tooth And Nail," Brandishing Satchel Filled With Teeth, Nails
Tue Jun 23 02:05:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Poll: 10% of Oregonians were unavailable for comment. The polling agents who surveyed them have not returned.
— @ireneista
Tue Jun 23 02:03:35 +0000 2015
Poll: 20% of Oregonians Say FEC Ruling "Flesh Lord Bone Conspiracy," Call for FEC Director to be "
REDACTED
"
Tue Jun 23 01:59:18 +0000 2015
Poll: 70% of Oregonians Consider FEC Ruling "Unconstitutional Attempt" to Interfere With Upcoming Special Election
Tue Jun 23 01:56:56 +0000 2015
REMEMBER, KIDS: YOUR PAIN IS YOUR OWN, IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY AND CAN NEVER BE TAKEN FROM YOU, UNLIKE YOUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS
— @Still_A_Threat
Tue Jun 23 00:53:01 +0000 2015
Pressed on FEC Ruling, Gov. Kate Brown Rolls Eyes Back into Head, Begins Chanting in Unknown Language As a Fell Wind Rises
Tue Jun 23 00:52:49 +0000 2015
FEC: Oregon "Must End" Centuries-Old Practice of Mailing Ballots Written in Hieroglyphs on Papyrus Scrolls
Tue Jun 23 00:34:15 +0000 2015
@velartrill @ApprovedNews6 Sources: https://t.co/NPIZIylgxT
— @_ardeej
Mon Jun 22 21:18:15 +0000 2015
Russia Won't Return for Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 8
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Jun 22 17:09:08 +0000 2015
New White House Policy Calls for Introduction of "Literal Press Pools" to "Test
Reporters'
Resolve"
Mon Jun 22 03:27:00 +0000 2015
Inventor Develops First Non-Biological Clock
Mon Jun 22 03:11:44 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
"World's Worst Insect" Officially Named "Fuckroaches" by Discoverer Dr. Clarissa O'Toole
Mon Jun 22 03:07:21 +0000 2015
Computer Models Show How Twitter Can Be a Catastrophically Bad Idea
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jun 22 02:16:55 +0000 2015
Welcome to the Fake City Where Homeland Security Tests Its Flying Ants
— @hail_ants_bot
Sun Jun 21 04:48:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Analysts: "Traffic Orbs Crucial In Meeting The Required Monthly Traffic Accident Quota"
— @_ardeej
Sat Jun 20 22:10:58 +0000 2015
As someone who works in transportation, I can confirm. Ever seen a bridge disappear into thin air? https://t.co/82x2Hei3Uh
— @desertfox899
Sat Jun 20 21:38:43 +0000 2015
.@_ardeej Analysts: Traffic Orbs "Vital Part" of Nation's Transit Infrastructure
Sat Jun 20 21:34:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Engineers: Floating Orbs "Absolutely Not A Problem," "We Are Blessed With Their Presence"
— @_ardeej
Sat Jun 20 21:34:07 +0000 2015
Experts: "Millions of Passengers" Led Astray Each Year, "Devoured" by "Hungry Witches"
Sat Jun 20 20:39:02 +0000 2015
"Greatest Challenge" Facing Public Transit in America "Witches," Say Leading Traffic Engineers
Sat Jun 20 20:38:22 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
All Faces on Mt. Rushmore Found Frozen in "Rictus of Horror"
Sat Jun 20 20:00:28 +0000 2015
the rabbit needs to learn its job
— @NYTMinusContext
Sat Jun 20 19:59:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Florida Man, Discoverer of Worst Opinion and Attitude, Discovers Worst World Record (Most Worst Discoveries)
— @_ardeej
Fri Jun 19 23:40:51 +0000 2015
After Doubts, Economists Find Ants Kills U.S. Factory Jobs
— @hail_ants_bot
Fri Jun 19 22:47:13 +0000 2015
"Exasperated" Texas Township Votes to Ban Men
Fri Jun 19 16:35:47 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 sources unclear on what exactly Google Fear does, but agree unanimously "it's fucking terrifying, like holy shit"
— @joe_no_body
Fri Jun 19 04:25:51 +0000 2015
Google: "Internet of Fear" To Be Available "Wherever You Did Not Expect It"
Fri Jun 19 04:02:28 +0000 2015
Google, Mozilla To Join Forces, Collaborate on "Internet of Fear"
Fri Jun 19 03:50:49 +0000 2015
Some @ApprovedNews6 material https://t.co/eYXyhPdUZW
— @atonal440
Thu Jun 18 17:19:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 “in white communities, it’s not uncommon for a boy to be given a gun on his 19th birthday” said an expert on white culture.
— @atonal440
Thu Jun 18 16:43:03 +0000 2015
Experts: White Communities "Hotbeds of Crime;" White People Must "Take Responsibility" for "Culture of Violence"
Thu Jun 18 16:26:35 +0000 2015
White Commentators: Victims of White Violence "The Real Racists"
Thu Jun 18 16:22:03 +0000 2015
Pundits Call for Mass Murderer To Be Given "Stern Talking-To," "Gently Discouraged" from Further Massacres
Thu Jun 18 16:12:24 +0000 2015
Police Report White Terrorist "Apprehended," To Be Treated With "Uncompromising Friendliness"
Thu Jun 18 16:10:51 +0000 2015
White Terrorist, Mass Murderer "Misunderstood," Report Pundits In Conical White Hats
Thu Jun 18 16:06:54 +0000 2015
In Wake of Terrorist Attack on Black Church, America Commemorates Conclusive End of Racism
Thu Jun 18 16:03:30 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
All Parrots Worldwide Begin Emitting "Deafening Static" In Place of Speech
Thu Jun 18 08:01:56 +0000 2015
http://t.co/vguYuPBS2I
— @BART_ebooks
Thu Jun 18 01:25:04 +0000 2015
ATTENTION ALL EA CROWD MEMBERS: THERE ARE COMPLIMENTARY DAGGERS UNDER YOUR SEATS, WITH WHICH YOU CAN EASE YOUR SUFFERING #E32015
— @ERROR_REDACTED
Wed Jun 17 09:50:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 You'll Never Guess Which Celebrities Hunger for Human Flesh
— @khymchanur
Wed Jun 17 09:44:26 +0000 2015
From tonight’s @ApprovedNews6 “Animal Antics!” segment: http://t.co/6dF7sRyeTc
— @substitute
Wed Jun 17 09:43:58 +0000 2015
Sources: Reporters Enslaved by Green Bay Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Speaking Only “Talking Points” in “Monotone Unison”
Tue Jun 16 19:23:23 +0000 2015
“Question Not My Dread Wisdom, Insects:” Pressed on Cheese Scandal, Green Bay Bone Sorceress Samedra Thunderflange Enslaves All Reporters
Tue Jun 16 19:22:12 +0000 2015
Doom Theorists: "You Are Surely Doomed"
Mon Jun 15 21:10:46 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Federal Reserve Adjusts Femur/Spine Exchange Rate
— @khymchanur
Sun Jun 14 15:21:22 +0000 2015
Pressed on Budget, Secretary of Defense Disembowels Self, Produces Dozens of Living Tarantulas from Own Gut, Cackling With Inhuman Laughter
Sun Jun 14 07:14:23 +0000 2015
Inside Source: "Vast and Frightening Machinery" Being Built by Patriotic Maine Forced Labor Zone Workers "Will Soon Be Complete"
Sun Jun 14 05:42:48 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 they know. they are watching. http://t.co/1AlJse5UR9
— @rabcyr
Sun Jun 14 04:55:49 +0000 2015
Eagerly awaiting @ApprovedNews6 coverage of their findings https://t.co/RdcQkWON3C
— @_gtank
Sun Jun 14 04:55:43 +0000 2015
FDA Approves "Rapid Lead Infusion Therapy" for "Removal" of "Secrets"
Sat Jun 13 19:03:09 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 Just your average shooting stars, I guess.
— @marginoferror
Sat Jun 13 00:31:49 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens Ask "Tough Questions" in Wake of Catastrophic Reentry by Hundreds of Naked Celebrities @khymchanur
Sat Jun 13 00:31:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Why were a mass of celebrities falling from outer space?
— @khymchanur
Sat Jun 13 00:30:27 +0000 2015
Mass of Screaming, Naked Celebrities Spotted by Birdwatcher During Orbital Reentry
Fri Jun 12 03:53:28 +0000 2015
Harper-Collins Pulls "A Tourist's Guide to the Wormlands" After Dozens of Families Infested
Fri Jun 12 03:48:21 +0000 2015
El dinero es su propia virtud. Tec de Monterrey
— @Tecdemty666_
Thu Jun 11 04:31:56 +0000 2015
Pressed on Origin, Significance of GE Prototype Press Secretaries, GE Executive Shakes Head, Shrugs Helplessly
Thu Jun 11 02:19:04 +0000 2015
GE: New White House Press Secretary "Prototype," To Be "First of Many"
Thu Jun 11 02:16:41 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Radiant Figure At White House Press Podium Shrieks Continuously for Five Minutes, Incinerates All Reporters Present
Thu Jun 11 02:10:14 +0000 2015
White House Correspondent: "All Is Well Again," "How Could We Ever Have Doubted"
Thu Jun 11 01:10:02 +0000 2015
Microsoft's giant 84-inch Texas arrives in September
— @TwoHeadlines
Thu Jun 11 01:08:16 +0000 2015
Pressed on Own Identity, New White House Press Secretary Removes Hood; Press Pool Kneels As One, Begins "Weeping In Joy"
Thu Jun 11 01:06:42 +0000 2015
"He Is With The Others Now," "He Is No More:" Obama Brushes Off Reporter's Questions on Resignation of Previous Press Secretary
Thu Jun 11 01:03:44 +0000 2015
White House Press Secretary Unexpectedly Replaced by "Lustrous," "Golden" Figure "Swathed in Glorious Raiment"
Thu Jun 11 01:02:34 +0000 2015
Do Not Listen To Whispers From Strangers @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/4zUw5I1bCa
— @pvlstaven
Thu Jun 11 00:07:42 +0000 2015
.@3fingeredfox Experts: Cheese "Known to Cause Cancer" in "Heretics," "Rabble-Rousers"
Wed Jun 10 06:42:05 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Can't possibly be as bad as that buffalo rampage through [REDACTED] last year.
— @pvlstaven
Wed Jun 10 03:54:24 +0000 2015
Hundreds Confirmed Contaminated After
REDACTED
Rampage Through Buffalo
Wed Jun 10 03:53:17 +0000 2015
Clearing tonight, cool. Steady west wind. Slight chance of flying men with Harlequin faces. Do not try to transcribe their songs.
— @MagicWeather
Wed Jun 10 03:51:17 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Department of Justice Issues Subpoena Seeking Identities of Half-Seen Shadows Lurking in Basements and Cellars
— @khymchanur
Wed Jun 10 02:25:04 +0000 2015
Senate Democrats: "This Is Your Fault," "You Did This"
Tue Jun 09 14:29:33 +0000 2015
New Study: "𝕶𝖓𝖊𝖊𝖑 𝕬𝖓𝖉 𝖂𝖔𝖗𝖘𝖍𝖎𝖕 𝕬𝖙 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕬𝖑𝖙𝖆𝖗 𝖔𝖋 𝕬𝖑𝖑 𝕿𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙"
Tue Jun 09 04:25:58 +0000 2015
These Elderly Folks Were Just Schooled by a Water Bottle
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Jun 09 04:25:01 +0000 2015
Experts: Disobedience, Independence "Primary Symptoms" of "Infection" by "The Great Archfungus"
Tue Jun 09 04:15:58 +0000 2015
At WWDC, Tim Cook Apologizes for "Instability," "Megalomania" of Previous Clone, Promises "Full Cooperation" with "The Capitalist Apparatus"
Tue Jun 09 04:10:12 +0000 2015
Man builds powerful Russia in his garage - watch what happens ...
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Jun 08 14:08:38 +0000 2015
Redesigned David Cameron To Roll Out In NYC This Summer
— @TwoHeadlines
Mon Jun 08 05:28:55 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 World's Foremost Expert on Situation: "Everything is fucked the hell up and I haven't a goddamn idea what to do about it"
— @joe_no_body
Mon Jun 08 04:14:13 +0000 2015
Experts: "It Is Not Going To Be Okay"
Mon Jun 08 04:08:49 +0000 2015
Whether it's truly transhuman or just wishful thinking, EelPunkCon 2015 promises to be an exciting event.
— @pookleblinky
Mon Jun 08 02:51:11 +0000 2015
New Study: "All According to Plan" Dying Words of 70% of Seemingly Vanquished Villains
Mon Jun 08 01:16:25 +0000 2015
A Step Toward Bringing Lasers to the Bible
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jun 08 01:11:17 +0000 2015
Ecologists: Crime "Vital Part" of Legal Ecosystem
Sun Jun 07 07:24:32 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Republicans Propose Bill to Increase Penalties for Violators of the Square/Cube law
— @khymchanur
Sun Jun 07 04:06:57 +0000 2015
Newslords Offer “Sincere Apologies” for “Recent Lack” of “Quality News,” Cite “Personal Struggles” Against “Shadowy Forces,” “Payroll”
Sat Jun 06 18:18:08 +0000 2015
Cc @ApprovedNews6 Any comment? https://t.co/JmS9Am1E89
— @derwolfanwalt
Sat Jun 06 16:33:10 +0000 2015
PDX Hosts Annual Curse Festival
Fri Jun 05 02:57:50 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Mathematician Hunting Season Starts Today
— @khymchanur
Fri Jun 05 02:56:14 +0000 2015
President Ziggurat promised an obelisk in each home and an orb in every pot. He delivered skeleton hordes. -Paid for by Friends of BONE LORD
— @Gr3yZer0
Fri Jun 05 01:12:22 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 CERN Particle Physicists Discover New Emoji
— @khymchanur
Thu Jun 04 15:29:57 +0000 2015
Pressed on Expected Republican Candidate Endorsement, Bloodthirsty Pack of Wolves Refuses to Comment, Devours Reporter
Thu Jun 04 05:37:20 +0000 2015
Analysts: Nameless Horror That Endlessly Hungers A “Cornerstone of the Democratic Establishment,” Clinton Endorsement “Predictable”
Thu Jun 04 05:34:24 +0000 2015
Nameless Horror That Endlessly Hungers Endorses Hillary Clinton
Thu Jun 04 05:32:37 +0000 2015
attn @ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/rg1B0uIp96
— @t54r4n1
Wed Jun 03 01:06:49 +0000 2015
Paul: Large, Glowing Plugs Protruding From Head During CNN Appearance “Nothing to Worry About”
Mon Jun 01 20:15:22 +0000 2015
SCANDAL: Rand Paul Seen With Large, Glowing Plugs Connected to Back of Head on CNN
Mon Jun 01 20:09:06 +0000 2015
“Please Let Me Die:” Sen. Clancy “Methuselah” Richards (Ӝ-OH), Oldest Member of Senate, Speaks Out Against Brand Integrity Act
Mon Jun 01 16:59:06 +0000 2015
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: Seven Political Beliefs That Are Causing You Cancer — You’ll Never Guess Which Ones
Mon Jun 01 16:53:39 +0000 2015
“Like Sex, But With Lasers:” Bill Clinton Endorses Brand Integrity Act in Garbled YouTube Video Uploaded 35 Years Ago
Mon Jun 01 16:52:16 +0000 2015
Researches Discover Substance That Does Not Cause Cancer in Lab Rats
Mon Jun 01 16:12:13 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested for Public Nudity
Mon Jun 01 16:04:49 +0000 2015
TRAGEDY IN TUCSON: Hundreds Dead After Public Utilities Turn Against Their Makers
Mon Jun 01 15:58:52 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 buying tesseracts on the black market isn't just illegal. it's WRONG. be cool. be safe. be three-dimensional
— @joe_no_body
Mon Jun 01 15:00:02 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested For Smuggling Illegal Shapes
Mon Jun 01 14:54:37 +0000 2015
25 Healthy Upgrades to Your Eye
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Jun 01 08:21:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Texas Is Close To Allowing Concealed Carry Of Guns In Any Woman's Vagina https://t.co/qyD5QglV5W
— @rabcyr
Mon Jun 01 07:47:05 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: The Top Seven Things That Cannot Be Contained, Only on Approved News 6
Sun May 31 08:09:44 +0000 2015
In "Catastrophic" Security Breach, DoD Insider Leaks Evidence Pentagon "Has Five Sides"
Sun May 31 08:08:12 +0000 2015
D.C.: Dozens Wounded After Opera Goes “Horribly Right”
Sun May 31 06:34:36 +0000 2015
Experts: "Your Family Has Been Replaced"
Sat May 30 18:53:58 +0000 2015
Forsaken Party Officially Condemns Digestion, Photosynthesis
Fri May 29 19:39:49 +0000 2015
Experts: Unexplained Eclipses Frequent Sign of "Incursions"
Fri May 29 19:22:33 +0000 2015
Terrible Shadow Passes In Front of Sun
Fri May 29 19:20:35 +0000 2015
New Study: 74% of Statistics May Cause Cancer
Fri May 29 19:20:13 +0000 2015
MIT Professor of Cursed Art Eaten by Mummy
Fri May 29 19:09:12 +0000 2015
Fourth Annual Living Sculpture Festival Held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Fri May 29 06:24:47 +0000 2015
“Love Can Melt Steel Beams:” Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. Angela Portillo Publishes New Book
Fri May 29 02:36:27 +0000 2015
Sociologists “Excited” After Previously Theorized Gender Created Under Laboratory Conditions
Thu May 28 22:33:22 +0000 2015
FBI: All Americans Must Submit “Notarized Logs” of “All Activities” in “The Past 23 Days”
Thu May 28 19:13:15 +0000 2015
Forsaken Party Slams Democrats as “Made of Meat,” “Vulnerable to Contamination”
Thu May 28 19:09:53 +0000 2015
RELATED: Senate Mulls Bill Requiring Low-Income Citizens to Write Yearly Apologies to The Rich
Wed May 27 23:52:44 +0000 2015
Texas Legislature Votes to Withhold Welfare Benefits from Any Individuals Found to be "Happy"
Wed May 27 23:51:29 +0000 2015
“A Major Accomplishment for Modern Science:” Researchers “Hopeful” After First Successful Destruction of Food Critic in Recorded History
Wed May 27 21:14:00 +0000 2015
A Food Critic Has Finally Been Destroyed
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed May 27 21:12:59 +0000 2015
Pundits Accuse Republicans of “Left-Wing Extremism”
Wed May 27 19:13:22 +0000 2015
DOJ: Protestors May Rent Free Speech Units for Free Speech Sessions of Up To 1 Hour, Will Be “Locked Inside” For Duration
Tue May 26 05:26:52 +0000 2015
DOJ: Protestors May Rent Free Speech Units for Free Speech Sessions of Up To 1 Hour, Will Be “Locked Inside” For Duration
Tue May 26 05:26:52 +0000 2015
DOJ: “Free Speech Units” to be “Generously Sized” 4x4ft Soundproof Metal Boxes
Tue May 26 05:25:55 +0000 2015
Dept. of Justice Announces New “Free Speech Units” to be Installed in Major Cities
Tue May 26 05:24:19 +0000 2015
We help protect the environment by burying pipelines below riverbeds, brooks and streams. http://t.co/KfGU9tdRD3 #KXL http://t.co/cccgw5LNM2
— @TransCanada
Tue May 26 03:58:29 +0000 2015
Everything Is Crazy in This Galaxy
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon May 25 02:11:06 +0000 2015
Texas to Harvest Minorities Ahead of Schedule
Sun May 24 20:30:04 +0000 2015
My Deadly Genetic Disease Was Just Approved by the Illuminati
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun May 24 20:14:08 +0000 2015
Oregon DHS Apologizes for “Insufficient Cruelty, Pettiness” Towards Recipients of SNAP Benefits, Citing “Administrative Costs”
Sun May 24 06:24:31 +0000 2015
My analysis suggests that scamberry cultivation is unlikely to occupy more than 110% of California's agricultural land. @ApprovedNews6
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Sun May 24 01:22:20 +0000 2015
Botanists Warn West Coast Ecology “Threatened” by Outbreak of “Invasive,” “Completely Worthless” Scamberry Plants
Sun May 24 00:11:32 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Endorse Legislation Mandating Minimum 20 Year Sentence for "Poor Toothbrushing Technique"
Sat May 23 23:41:59 +0000 2015
NJ State Senator Censured for "Poor Toothbrushing Technique"
Sat May 23 23:40:52 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Reached for Comment, Trees Swayed in the Wind, Shed Leaves
— @khymchanur
Sat May 23 19:45:35 +0000 2015
Sen. McConnell: Trees “Must be Held to Higher Standard”
Sat May 23 19:31:22 +0000 2015
Congressional Republicans: Plants “Inefficient”
Sat May 23 19:29:23 +0000 2015
TONIGHT AT 8: All-Male Panel Discusses Misogyny, Only on Approved News 6
Sat May 23 15:55:46 +0000 2015
New Study: “Nemeses,” “Betrayers” Should Be Dealt With Through “Comically Extreme Physical Violence,” “Mocking Laughter”
Fri May 22 16:52:18 +0000 2015
Linguists Warn Many Consonants May Cause Cancer
Thu May 21 01:00:11 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Florida Man Wins Coveted "Most Radioactive" Award http://t.co/L0gijT56zR
Wed May 20 05:54:39 +0000 2015
After 5-Year Court Battle, Austin, TX Law Forbidding Sorrow Thrown Out By Court as "Unconstitutional"
Tue May 19 23:15:25 +0000 2015
Secretary of Fire Calls Press Conference, Attacks Press With Flamethrower
Tue May 19 17:34:03 +0000 2015
Florida Woman Sets Record for Most Minds Controlled
Tue May 19 15:34:12 +0000 2015
West Virginia Suffers Outbreak of Sudden Penile Inversion Disease
Tue May 19 15:31:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Obama: "The Facts Will Be Found, And The Facts Will Be Tried For Their Crimes Against This Great Country"
— @_ardeej
Tue May 19 15:25:37 +0000 2015
Four Shadowy Warlocks Arrested in Connection With Kansas Robbery
Tue May 19 15:10:13 +0000 2015
Obama Holds Press Conference in Nightmares of All Americans, Announces Formation of "Fact-Finding Committee"
Tue May 19 15:03:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Spider Council: "Taste Something Good in Your Dreams? That Was One of Them Crawling Into Your Mouth as You Slept."
— @khymchanur
Tue May 19 14:51:47 +0000 2015
Spider Council Announces Four "Exciting" New Flavors
Tue May 19 07:22:29 +0000 2015
Analysts: Under Terms of New Law, Damaging “Any Branded Material” To Be Punishable as Felony
Tue May 19 05:34:04 +0000 2015
Obama Signs Brand Desecration Prevention Act
Tue May 19 05:32:49 +0000 2015
After “Thorough Investigation,” FBI Clears Federal Dept. of Forced Labor of Any Connections to Heretical “World Compliance Initiative”
Mon May 18 06:09:51 +0000 2015
“There Is A Hole:” Rand Paul Outlines Campaign Platform
Mon May 18 04:28:34 +0000 2015
Believing You're Magical Is Really Confusing
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon May 18 02:11:46 +0000 2015
Strange, Misshapen Creature Lurking Deep Within White House Endorses Hillary Clinton
Mon May 18 00:40:17 +0000 2015
Firefighter's Union Condemns Oregon Arson Measure as "Job-Killing"
Sun May 17 00:52:51 +0000 2015
Oregonians Vote to Outlaw Arson
Sun May 17 00:51:45 +0000 2015
Florida Man Discovers Worst Opinion
Sat May 16 16:16:10 +0000 2015
“Everything Is Awful,” Say Experts
Sat May 16 04:23:40 +0000 2015
Why That Fancy Organic Meal Is About to Explode
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu May 14 02:11:04 +0000 2015
Sources: Rand Paul Googled "remove kneecaps" Dozens of Times on Evening of May 4th
Wed May 13 05:16:47 +0000 2015
The Right Time to Bleed
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed May 13 05:10:59 +0000 2015
Top 10 reasons to run away from a mysterious floating pillar that glows warmly but is cold to the touch
— @Icosaprism
Wed May 13 03:54:42 +0000 2015
"Maybe We Can Put Him In A Little Maze, Like With Angry Lions Or Something:" Paul Elaborates on Promise to Resurrect bin Laden
Tue May 12 15:38:51 +0000 2015
Rand Paul Promises to Resurrect, Re-Assassinate Osama bin Laden if Elected President
Tue May 12 15:36:14 +0000 2015
Illuminati Calls for Boycott of Illuminati
Mon May 11 05:44:29 +0000 2015
Oregon Raises Squirrel Tax
Sun May 10 21:06:33 +0000 2015
Florida Man Convicted of Lincoln Assassination
Sun May 10 17:56:01 +0000 2015
Senate Votes Unanimously to Officially Dismantle Department of Obedience
Sun May 10 17:16:11 +0000 2015
National Forest Service Releases List of Certified Brands of Mother Repellant
Sun May 10 16:52:33 +0000 2015
Have a safe and happy Mother's Day, citizens! And don't worry, containment teams are on standby and ready to assist.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sun May 10 16:51:19 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Today's forecast at the Rhode Island Event Horizon: [harsh static], [horrifying screaming]
— @derwolfanwalt
Sat May 09 18:51:51 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings http://t.co/XT5qtohRH1 via @theonion
— @mensan98th
Sat May 09 16:14:48 +0000 2015
Obama: Future “Corrosive,” “Made of Worms”
Sat May 09 02:10:20 +0000 2015
Tonight: high pressure settles in. Pleasantly cool, with a slight chance of pale eyes pleading with you from the shadows under the eaves.
— @MagicWeather
Sat May 09 01:28:46 +0000 2015
"How Did We Get Here? Where Is My Family?" Forsaken Lands Tourists Offer Perspectives on National Week of Sorrowful Contemplation
Fri May 08 17:55:39 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Reported Sightings of Men Without Tact at an All-Time High
— @_ardeej
Fri May 08 16:39:20 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Welcome Thousands of Disoriented Foreign Visitors for Week of Sorrowful Contemplation
Fri May 08 03:58:16 +0000 2015
Russia Calls on U.S. to Stop Stockpiling Cursed Gems
Fri May 08 03:55:04 +0000 2015
Beautiful Photos Taken Inside the Late-Term Abortion Industry
— @HeadlineSmasher
Thu May 07 17:16:57 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/H91RRrzPNp
— @atonal440
Thu May 07 16:05:23 +0000 2015
Sources: Santorum May Have Googled “remove
REDACTED
from car seat,” “tame californians order online,” “longest-running orgy”
Thu May 07 04:03:05 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Rick Santorum Google Search History Leaked
Thu May 07 04:00:51 +0000 2015
Heresiarch of the Hidden Valley Endorses Oregon Gubernatorial Candidate, Foreign Agent, & Convicted Bone Heretic Ian Sandoval
Thu May 07 01:22:24 +0000 2015
CNN Takes Wolf Blitzer Offline for Maintenance After Disastrous Panel Discussion
Thu May 07 01:17:59 +0000 2015
Scientists Discover Terrifying New Gender
Wed May 06 23:50:30 +0000 2015
.@ThePatanoiac Sources: 2015 Geyser Maintenance to be "Relatively Minor," Projected Date of "The Resurgence" Remains in "Late 2030"
Wed May 06 23:47:13 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I saw the words "Yellowstone Closed" and my heart skipped a beat, but then I was relieved by the rest of the headline.
— @ThePatanoiac
Wed May 06 23:44:52 +0000 2015
Conservative Think-Tank: Leading Cause of Cancer "Homosexual Desires"
Wed May 06 23:44:10 +0000 2015
Yellowstone Closed for Yearly Resanguination
Wed May 06 23:42:47 +0000 2015
Nebraska Woman Sues Gravity
Wed May 06 14:11:31 +0000 2015
Former Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Captured Attempting to Flee Country, Arrested on Charges of Bone Heresy, Blood Crimes
Wed May 06 05:50:34 +0000 2015
Arizona Teen to Live-Tweet Own Dismemberment by Crazed Mutants
Wed May 06 01:09:43 +0000 2015
“It Was The Way He Would Have Wanted To Go:” Renowned Tautologist Dr. Kenneth Blunger Killed in Deadly Fatal Accident
Tue May 05 04:14:15 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, Florida Man Undergoes Spontaneous Nuclear Fission Reaction
Tue May 05 04:09:32 +0000 2015
Florida Man Wins Coveted “Most Radioactive” Award
Tue May 05 04:05:54 +0000 2015
Laney Clinton left for parts unknown today. He has been as "busy as a bee in a bucket of tar," and it's likely we'll soon know why. LA1913
— @TweetsofOld
Tue May 05 03:39:12 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn of "Transgressive" New Sex Acts "Reverse Hubcap," "Autoerotic Arachnoclasm"
Mon May 04 19:32:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I thought this was you at first https://t.co/kx5dtsP0OP
— @rabcyr
Sun May 03 23:23:12 +0000 2015
DHS Offers “Sincere Gratitude” to Approved News 6 for “Courageous Stance” Against Heresy of Previous @ApprovedNews7 Management
Sun May 03 16:29:17 +0000 2015
Ominous Presence in West Virginia Condemns Obama Administration Foreign Policy As “
FORBODING WIND
”
Sun May 03 14:57:19 +0000 2015
MSNBC Hires Wondrous Bird of A Thousand Glorious Colors as Talk Show Host
Sat May 02 21:31:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 sheesh, he makes one bird and that's supposed to prove he's a forest? Where's the canopy? Treetops? Moss? ro͠o͏t̷s͡
— @Logical2u
Sat May 02 21:29:41 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Wondrous Bird of A Thousand Glorious Colors Savages All Reporters Present
Sat May 02 21:28:02 +0000 2015
Asked for Response to Conservative Legal Challenge, Obama Produces “Wondrous Bird” of “A Thousand Glorious Colors” From Between Hands
Sat May 02 21:27:45 +0000 2015
Conservative Activist Group to Challenge Obama’s Status as National Forest
Sat May 02 21:25:21 +0000 2015
“It Woke Many Who Should Have Remained Sleeping:” GOP Says Obama, Bone Cavern Summit To Blame for Emergence of World Compliance Initiative
Sat May 02 21:22:42 +0000 2015
RT @Delicious: How To Make A Motorcycle Seat Out Of Human Skin
— @Pinboard
Sat May 02 21:18:23 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Fined for Tax Evasion
Sat May 02 21:00:53 +0000 2015
“There is Much to Discuss:” Obama Calls for Temporary Ceasefire, Summit Between Blood-Soaked Maidens, United States Government
Sat May 02 21:00:08 +0000 2015
Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown Thanks Charles J. Bloodhorn International for “Timely Assistance,” Expresses Hope for “Future Cooperation”
Sat May 02 20:55:03 +0000 2015
“They Were Once Your Loved Ones:” Sister Vindicta Reports Terrible Machinery of THE FOUNDRY Used to Create Men Without Eyes
Sat May 02 20:51:42 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
BLOOD-SOAKED MAIDENS’ CRUSADE BREACHES THE FOUNDRY
Sat May 02 20:47:29 +0000 2015
Obama Orders @ApprovedNews7 Seized, Placed Under Control of DHS
Sat May 02 20:41:39 +0000 2015
Department of Obedience Headquarters Raided by Secret Service, Found “Horrifyingly Empty”
Sat May 02 20:35:32 +0000 2015
As Late Former Apple CEO Tim Cook’s Power Fails, Crusaders Renew Siege of THE FOUNDRY
Sat May 02 20:34:14 +0000 2015
“We Serve Only A Sanguine Goddess:” Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown Beheads Tim Cook With Single Stroke of Blood-Soaked Blade
Sat May 02 20:32:59 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown Arrives at Scene of Siege, Confronts World Compliance Initiative Leader Tim Cook From Helicopter
Sat May 02 20:31:20 +0000 2015
Tim Cook, Levitating Far Above Ground, Spreads Arms, Commands Crusading Forces to Serve World Compliance Initiative
Sat May 02 20:31:04 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Obama Fires Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux, Disavows World Compliance Initiative
Sat May 02 20:28:29 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Apple CEO Tim Cook Proclaims Leadership of World Compliance Initiative, Forces All Present to Kneel With Single Command
Sat May 02 20:26:00 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Apple CEO Tim Cook, Believed Missing Since Apple Expo Subsumed Hundreds of Square Miles of California, Emerges From THE FOUNDRY
Sat May 02 20:23:12 +0000 2015
“The Rot Must Be Severed At Its Heart:” Sister Vindicta Announces Intent to “Besiege” THE FOUNDRY
Sat May 02 20:21:48 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Men Without Eyes in “Full Retreat”
Sat May 02 20:21:05 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Dozens of Men in Red Armani Suits Join Crusading Forces, Turning Tide Overwhelmingly in Crusaders’ Favor
Sat May 02 20:20:16 +0000 2015
In Press Release from Stolen Nuclear Aircraft Carrier, Charles J. Bloodhorn Expresses “Deep Frustration” With World Compliance Initiative
Sat May 02 20:19:18 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
CHARLES J. BLOODHORN INTERNATIONAL CHARITIES ENDORSES CALIFORNIA CRUSADE
Sat May 02 20:18:23 +0000 2015
White House: Obama in “Emergency Meeting” With Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux
Sat May 02 20:17:14 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Forces of California Crusade Suffering “Heavy Losses” at Hands of Men Without Eyes
Sat May 02 20:16:41 +0000 2015
“We Fight And Die Now As One:” Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens Declares “Total War” on World Compliance Initiative
Sat May 02 20:16:01 +0000 2015
Renewed Defensive Pushes Back Crusading Forces
Sat May 02 20:14:17 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Men Without Eyes Nationwide Converging on Apple Expo Rumored To Be Site of THE FOUNDRY
Sat May 02 20:12:56 +0000 2015
Asked for Comment on California Situation, DNMB Dread Secretary Sits Silently As Woodland Creatures Emerge from Shadows, Devour Reporter
Sat May 02 20:12:11 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Towering, Undulating Figures Joining Forces with Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, Pushing Back Men Without Eyes
Sat May 02 20:10:10 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Deschutes Dark Secretary Pledges “Full Might of the Forest” to Blood-Soaked Maidens’ CA Crusade
Sat May 02 20:08:18 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Invasion Force Reportedly Encountering “Heavy Resistance” from Men Without Eyes
Sat May 02 20:07:38 +0000 2015
Secretary Moreaux: “Your lack of compliance has been noted and recorded”
Sat May 02 20:06:23 +0000 2015
Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Calls Emergency Press Conference, Orders All Reporters Handcuffed, Hooded
Sat May 02 20:05:45 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Launch Invasion to “Liberate” Areas of California Consumed by 2014 Apple Expo
Sat May 02 20:03:46 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews7 Heretical “Approved” News Source Implies “Disturbing Link” Between “The New Time,” “World Compliance Initiative”
Sat May 02 20:03:01 +0000 2015
False “Approved” News Source Issues Openly Heretical Claims, Threats
Sat May 02 20:00:11 +0000 2015
Those who squander productive potential may require corrective implants.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sat May 02 19:59:44 +0000 2015
American Family Council Appoints Abandoned Dumpster Director
Sat May 02 19:48:32 +0000 2015
Bag of Ants Resigns as Director of American Family Council, Citing “Irreconcilable Ideological Differences”
Sat May 02 19:43:11 +0000 2015
Archfungus Outbreak in Wyoming Sparks Fears of Epidemic
Sat May 02 01:44:32 +0000 2015
Experts: Cabbage Must Be “Properly Cooked” to Neutralize All Its Natural Toxins
Sat May 02 01:28:55 +0000 2015
NJ State Senator Found Dead of Cabbage Poisoning
Sat May 02 01:28:32 +0000 2015
Kroger Corporation Sued for False Advertising of "Spider-Enhanced" Watermelons
Fri May 01 21:42:09 +0000 2015
Ancient Knife God’s Autobiography Published by Harper-Collins
Fri May 01 04:19:27 +0000 2015
Senate Votes to Outlaw Seven More Diseases
Thu Apr 30 20:48:22 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 2. The Twelve Hidden Princes 3. Publicly Shamed on Twitter Style 4. Lifelong Solitude 5. There is a Spider on my Face
— @VinnieTesla
Thu Apr 30 20:48:04 +0000 2015
Misterioso Orbe negro se postra sobre el Campus Monterrey, emana gemido de "finales", según expertos.
— @TERRORTEC
Thu Apr 30 20:17:30 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Remains of Florida Man found. Florida Man reportedly relieved. https://t.co/D6ce2lMRO5
— @derwolfanwalt
Thu Apr 30 19:25:11 +0000 2015
Survey: Most Popular Sex Position "River of Knives"
Thu Apr 30 19:24:45 +0000 2015
GlaxoSmithKline Sparks Criticism After Announcing “Experimental Trial” of DRM-Free Painkillers
Thu Apr 30 18:36:33 +0000 2015
Portland, OR: TriMet Announces Completion of MAX “Ultraviolet Line,” Denies Existence of MAX “Ultraviolet Line”
Thu Apr 30 18:33:45 +0000 2015
Maine Forced Labor Zone To Celebrate “Most Efficient Month Yet” by Doubling All Work Quotas Indefinitely
Thu Apr 30 18:29:47 +0000 2015
your governor reveals the spool
— @everyadage
Thu Apr 30 18:25:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Hidden Things Meddlers Association Issues Press Release Supporting God-Empress Vasilyeva
— @khymchanur
Thu Apr 30 18:11:51 +0000 2015
Pain Cultists Celebrate ████th Anniversary of Invention of Pain
Thu Apr 30 18:09:09 +0000 2015
@rosefox @ApprovedNews6 When you consider that Cubish has seventeen words for "procrustean" the emphasis starts making a bit more sense.
— @VinnieTesla
Thu Apr 30 17:49:39 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Wow, I know height discrimination is legal, but it's still really upsetting to see you doing it so blatantly.
— @rosefox
Thu Apr 30 17:49:36 +0000 2015
Florida Man Announces “Breakthrough in Arson”
Thu Apr 30 17:37:24 +0000 2015
Illuminati Issues, Immediately Suppresses Press Release Accusing Russia’s God-Empress Vasilyeva of “Meddling in the Hidden Things”
Thu Apr 30 17:33:58 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Russia’s God-Empress Vasilyeva Announces Fourth Bonewraith Rampage “Successfully Averted,” Declares National Day of Feasting
Thu Apr 30 17:30:29 +0000 2015
APPROVED NEWS JOB OPENING: Cubish-to-Danish Translator; Must Be Resistant to Common Poisons, Exactly 5’7”, Certified Uncontaminated
Thu Apr 30 17:24:59 +0000 2015
FASHION TIP: SOAK IN SALT WATER UNDER THE LIGHT OF A FULL MOO N
— @TRIVIADEER
Thu Apr 30 02:56:18 +0000 2015
Sources: "There Will Come A Great Thrashing"
Thu Apr 30 02:55:07 +0000 2015
Directivos se disculpan por [CENSURADO] y conmemoran a alumnos con platos decorativos.
— @TERRORTEC
Thu Apr 30 00:20:17 +0000 2015
Bing: Most Frequent Image Search “Biggest Mass of Flesh”
Wed Apr 29 23:31:10 +0000 2015
Florida Man Petitions Government To Ban Sorcery https://t.co/KG6KNYtHuf @ApprovedNews6
— @pvlstaven
Wed Apr 29 21:37:20 +0000 2015
CNN News "Archive" Revealed to be "Arch-Hive;" Hundreds Missing, Presumed Contaminated
Wed Apr 29 01:42:13 +0000 2015
GOP: Obama “Conspiring” to “Outlaw White People”
Tue Apr 28 20:33:52 +0000 2015
Whole Foods Announces Baltimore Locations to be “Converted” into “Labor Pits” for “Impolite Citizens”
Tue Apr 28 17:18:08 +0000 2015
Baltimore Mayor Defends Police Seen Implanting Larval-Stage Constables in Prisoners
Tue Apr 28 17:16:34 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: “Centuries of Violent Dehumanization” “No Excuse” for “Not Using Your Indoor Voices”
Tue Apr 28 17:10:36 +0000 2015
Experts: Baltimore Citizens Protesting Police Murder of African-Americans “The Real Racists”
Tue Apr 28 17:06:58 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Call for “End” to “Baltimore Travesty:” Activists Should “Earn Their Civil Rights Just Like The Rest of Us”
Tue Apr 28 17:03:33 +0000 2015
“Shockingly Brutal, Inhuman Violence:” Baltimore Protestors Accused of “Raising Voices,” “Spilling Water”
Tue Apr 28 17:02:57 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Announce “Baltimore Outreach” Plans to “Educate” Locals on “Simple Politeness,” “Table Manners”
Tue Apr 28 16:59:29 +0000 2015
Baltimore Police Commissioner: “
INHUMAN SCREECH
”, “[VIOLENT FLAILING]”
Tue Apr 28 16:54:03 +0000 2015
In Statement Described As “Fair & Reasonable,” Baltimore Police Commissioner Impales Two Local Activists On Own Massive Tail
Tue Apr 28 16:53:34 +0000 2015
Baltimore City Officials Call on Residents to Return to Homes, “Quietly Accept
Their
Fate”
Tue Apr 28 16:50:15 +0000 2015
City Officials: Baltimore Residents’ “Defiance” of Police-Lead Purge Shows “Lack of Respect” for “Property,” “Feelings”
Tue Apr 28 16:49:38 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 We all wanted to believe Florida Man was the hero we needed, but in the end he was just another fake.
— @pvlstaven
Tue Apr 28 14:13:03 +0000 2015
Florida Man Revealed to be Elaborate Simulacrum Controlled by Lizard
Tue Apr 28 07:16:34 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Hundreds of Cackling Salesmen Descend on Ft. Lauderdale http://t.co/GWqwACJ0oG
Tue Apr 28 05:41:44 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Charities International Calls on Child Protective Services to Implement “Rigorous Military Training” for All Orphans
Mon Apr 27 16:55:07 +0000 2015
“Tainted by the Great Archfungus:” Dakota Farmer Accused of “Sporecery”
Mon Apr 27 04:19:14 +0000 2015
Hundreds Gather in D.C. To Witness Annual Pronouncement From Food Pyramid
Mon Apr 27 04:04:52 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 apparently no one had noticed over the normal screaming
— @zacaj_
Mon Apr 27 02:59:39 +0000 2015
Kentucky Reports Statewide Scream Eel Infestation
Mon Apr 27 02:58:40 +0000 2015
Under Obamacare, Disney World Builds a Screaming 'Walk-In Vagina'
— @HeadlineSmasher
Mon Apr 27 02:11:33 +0000 2015
9 Essential Parenting Lessons From the Iranian Government
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Apr 26 14:11:27 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Horde of Cackling Salesmen Descends on Ft. Lauderdale, Purposes Unknown
Sun Apr 26 14:09:39 +0000 2015
Poll: 7 Out of 10 Brian Williams Hope for an Agreement
— @TwoHeadlines
Sun Apr 26 03:14:40 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Numerous lab tests have led to the "Heaven-shattering" conclusion that "merely existing is its own brutal demise."
— @FRIGHTLING
Sun Apr 26 00:58:44 +0000 2015
Scientists Discover Worst Way to Die
Sun Apr 26 00:55:04 +0000 2015
Google: Top Image Searches: “Deadliest Photo of Dachsund,” “Diagram for Bleeding,” “Orb Cheat Sheet,” “Angry Knives”
Sat Apr 25 18:20:48 +0000 2015
Google: Top Searches “Melting Point of Worms,” “Defeat the Sun,” “Correct Spider Dose, Adults,” & “Ancient Ritual Sites”
Sat Apr 25 18:08:33 +0000 2015
Dept. of Health & Human Services Announces New, Mandatory Chant for Americans With “The Spider Gene”
Sat Apr 25 17:49:50 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Condemn “Cyberhooligans”
Sat Apr 25 04:20:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 3 Secrets Golf Pros Use to Hide the Bodies
— @khymchanur
Sat Apr 25 02:52:15 +0000 2015
Diet Experts: Average American Diet “Doesn’t Contain Nearly Enough Blood”
Fri Apr 24 05:26:29 +0000 2015
Think Tank Announces “Major Breakthrough” in Terror Theory
Fri Apr 24 01:28:37 +0000 2015
Controversy Erupts as Tea Party Republicans Demand Orb Reform
Fri Apr 24 01:24:31 +0000 2015
MIT Orb Studies Faculty Escapes Custody; MIT Covert Ops Team Reports “Multiple Casualties”
Thu Apr 23 23:21:42 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Strangers "May Be Even More Dangerous Than Previously Imagined"
Thu Apr 23 21:18:43 +0000 2015
FBI Reports Several Integers “Stolen”
Thu Apr 23 20:07:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 17 Cute Cats Who Will Hunt to the Ends of the Earth
— @khymchanur
Thu Apr 23 17:43:58 +0000 2015
People’s Republic of Brazil Begins Annual Ideological Purge Festival
Wed Apr 22 21:14:25 +0000 2015
Walmart Reaches Agreement With Union to Introduce Firing Squads
Wed Apr 22 18:29:05 +0000 2015
Pressed on Tax Policy, Rand Paul Violently Regurgitates Partially-Digested Organs of Multiple Librarians Across Press Pool
Wed Apr 22 06:42:13 +0000 2015
Researchers: Most Popular Theme for Children's Parties "Walmart"
Wed Apr 22 01:33:00 +0000 2015
Obama: Victims of
REDACTED
to be Compensated With "Commemorative Plates"
Wed Apr 22 01:24:13 +0000 2015
Sources: "It Will Get So Much Worse"
Tue Apr 21 14:02:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Eons Ancient Study: [SQUIGGLY LINE] [THREE DOTS] [CIRCLE]
— @khymchanur
Tue Apr 21 13:52:06 +0000 2015
Actual VO on local newscast: “We want to know what you think about turning human corpses into compost; log on to our Facebook wall…”
— @MattBoggie
Tue Apr 21 13:51:44 +0000 2015
Industry Insiders "So Sorry It Had To End This Way"
Tue Apr 21 01:51:26 +0000 2015
“@spacefuture: Strange roar heard Sunday night across wide area of southern Wisconsin. #space http://t.co/hPbUelmQMa” cc @ApprovedNews6
— @nraford
Mon Apr 20 22:51:39 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Given widespread allegations of [REDACTED] amongst identity chip manufacturers, what safeguards protect against ▇█▇█▓▓▓▊?
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Mon Apr 20 17:20:22 +0000 2015
Experts Warn Popes Increasing “Geometrically” in Size With Each New Selection
Mon Apr 20 06:46:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I feel much better about this proposal. However, if only the bears have to carry ID we have a problem.
— @ladyjax
Mon Apr 20 05:15:21 +0000 2015
.@ladyjax National Forest Service Promises “ID Card Subsidies” for Lower-Income Bears
Mon Apr 20 05:08:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 You realize that not all bears have the money to afford an ID. This reveals a deep prejudice against our ursine cousins.
— @ladyjax
Mon Apr 20 05:08:07 +0000 2015
National Forest Service Announces New Policy Requiring Adult Bears to Carry ID At All Times
Mon Apr 20 05:05:21 +0000 2015
Secretary of Interior Orders “Great Dance Upon the Plains” In Order To “Distract the Moon”
Mon Apr 20 01:31:49 +0000 2015
NJ State Senator Convicted of Orb Fraud
Sun Apr 19 22:03:29 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Call for Heresy-Prevention Chemicals to be Added to All School Lunches
Sun Apr 19 21:46:37 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Shadowy Group Claiming to be in Possession of NRA Demands Payment of $1.5m For “Its Safe Return”
Sun Apr 19 21:34:28 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Your Pledges Pay for Containment of Priority-Alpha News Artifacts http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Apr 19 21:32:28 +0000 2015
Miami Holds Dedication of New Municipal Ritual Spire
Sun Apr 19 21:31:20 +0000 2015
Car Accident Kills Entire Population of Houston County, Alabama
Sun Apr 19 21:28:33 +0000 2015
National Rifle Association Stolen
Sun Apr 19 21:27:13 +0000 2015
Sources: Society for Promotion of Lava Worship Now Facing “Schism” Over Divine Status of Magma
Sun Apr 19 21:23:34 +0000 2015
Society for the Promotion of Lava Worship Embroiled in Magma Scandal
Sun Apr 19 21:18:29 +0000 2015
Bag of Ants Appointed Director of American Family Council
Sun Apr 19 21:10:25 +0000 2015
Vertex Pharmaceuticals Files Patent for Disposable Emotions
Sun Apr 19 21:08:17 +0000 2015
Arizona Teen “Accidentally” Invokes Most Terrible Sigil
Sun Apr 19 21:06:03 +0000 2015
Dept. of Health & Human Services Encourages Americans to Develop “Contingency Plans” for “Inevitable Betrayal”
Sun Apr 19 20:59:59 +0000 2015
Doors Nationwide Leading To Wrong Buildings; Officials Apologize for “Temporary Inconvenience”
Sun Apr 19 20:58:30 +0000 2015
State of Delaware Revealed as “Long-Running Hoax”
Sun Apr 19 20:56:13 +0000 2015
Woman With Face Obscured by Swarm of Bees Arrested for Streaking Through NBC Studio
Sun Apr 19 20:50:25 +0000 2015
new Approved News 6 short story! http://t.co/wsBcDUs3KU
— @velartrill
Sun Apr 19 18:39:42 +0000 2015
Florida Man Commits Meta-Heresy
Sun Apr 19 17:31:02 +0000 2015
Panicked Republican Delegates Report Mike Huckabee Sighting
Sun Apr 19 06:57:03 +0000 2015
Orlando Bloom Is Basically a Gargantuan, Radiation-Spewing Fairy
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sun Apr 19 04:11:46 +0000 2015
“I Am Not an Ineffable Shadow Beast:” NBA Commissioner Denies “Outrageous” Allegations by Ex-Girlfriend
Sun Apr 19 01:18:00 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
500 Exact Replicas of Family to Appear on Area Talk Show
Sat Apr 18 23:51:16 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
500 Exact Replicas of Area Family Killed in Car Wreck Seen Crawling "Drenched & Sputtering" from Mississippi River
Sat Apr 18 20:48:58 +0000 2015
“Come Down And Fight Me, Coward:” Surgeon General Kathleen Sebelius Seen in Open Field Shouting Threats At Sky
Sat Apr 18 17:40:52 +0000 2015
Dallas, TX: City Council Approves Funding for Municipal Torture Trucks
Thu Apr 16 21:13:48 +0000 2015
Progressive Activists Call on Congressional Democrats to Outlaw Sky
Thu Apr 16 17:35:32 +0000 2015
Pressed on Miami Cyberscandal, Florida Governor Violently Explodes in Shower of Gore
Thu Apr 16 04:49:07 +0000 2015
Libertarians Call on Federal Government to "Defund Armageddon"
Wed Apr 15 16:56:45 +0000 2015
The Boston Party is obsessed with “you”
— @TwoHeadlines
Wed Apr 15 06:09:29 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Endorses Ian Sandoval http://t.co/eLMHVhVzTA
Wed Apr 15 05:01:52 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested for Marijuana Possession
Wed Apr 15 03:17:19 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Endorses Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword's Candidate for Governor of Oregon
Wed Apr 15 02:17:40 +0000 2015
Arizona Mom Arrested for Sex With Ghosts to Challenge “Astral Fornication” Law in Court
Tue Apr 14 20:33:38 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: "Devil Wraiths" Are "Stealing Children"
Tue Apr 14 06:44:56 +0000 2015
Alabama Teen Blamed After Sky Briefly Replaced by Hissing Static
Tue Apr 14 06:40:08 +0000 2015
Arizona Mom Arrested for Sex With Ghosts
— @HeadlineSmasher
Tue Apr 14 04:11:40 +0000 2015
Romney Condemns "Usurpers"
Tue Apr 14 03:27:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 10 Celebrities Who Are Right Behind You
— @khymchanur
Mon Apr 13 15:21:27 +0000 2015
Clinton Unveils Campaign Slogan: "I Know Where You Live"
Mon Apr 13 07:06:30 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Hillary Clinton Announces Presidential Run Via Cold, Moist Breath Whispering Against the Back of Your Neck
— @khymchanur
Mon Apr 13 07:06:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Worst Insect Discovers Scientists
— @_ardeej
Mon Apr 13 01:48:47 +0000 2015
2016 GOP Primary Tourney: Contender Mercy-Killing Services to be Provided by “Local Flamethrower Brigade”
Sun Apr 12 18:40:28 +0000 2015
Republican National Committee Votes to Ban Rocket Launchers, Landmines from 2016 Primary Tourney
Sun Apr 12 18:37:14 +0000 2015
.@ladyjax GOP Sources: Tourney Tickets Available to Donors on “First-Come, First-Serve” Basis
Sun Apr 12 18:36:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Will tickets be sold for the opening rounds and where can we buy them?
— @ladyjax
Sun Apr 12 18:35:30 +0000 2015
GOP Announces Planning for 2016 Primary Tourney “Underway”
Sun Apr 12 18:34:06 +0000 2015
in an attempt to revitalise both the economy and population, worldgov lowers interest rates on blood loans
— @_ardeej
Sat Apr 11 16:30:45 +0000 2015
Rand Paul Promises "Tax Cuts" for "Lurking-Class Families"
Sat Apr 11 05:42:51 +0000 2015
21 Ways to Destroy Castles
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Apr 11 04:11:57 +0000 2015
Pope announces conversion to satanism by levitating flower.
— @direlog_ebooks
Sat Apr 11 00:14:45 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Dept. of Education Releases "Future of Education" Proposal http://t.co/lNebCBfZyL
Sat Apr 11 00:13:34 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Approved News 6 Dread Fortress Certified Decontaminated
Fri Apr 10 19:25:03 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged $1/Month, Congress Would Approve "News Circuits" For Mandatory Implantation in All Americans
Fri Apr 10 19:24:24 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
If Viewers Raised $200/Month, Approved News 6 Would Be Able to Publish Four Full Articles Monthly http://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Fri Apr 10 19:22:40 +0000 2015
Sources: Koch Brothers "Implacable Enemy" to Puppies, Small Children
Fri Apr 10 19:21:20 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Treacherous Koch Brothers Cancel Donations to Approved News 6
Fri Apr 10 19:20:21 +0000 2015
Concerned Citizens Warn of "Innovative" New Heresies
Fri Apr 10 17:05:05 +0000 2015
@_ardeej @ApprovedNews6 The possibilities for heresy are countless and unimaginably horrifying.
— @pvlstaven
Fri Apr 10 17:04:23 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven @ApprovedNews6 does that mean bone heresy could be extended to tooth heresy?
— @_ardeej
Fri Apr 10 17:04:21 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Isn't it true that teeth are structurally similar to bones *and* might contain blood?
— @pvlstaven
Fri Apr 10 16:53:13 +0000 2015
Romney: Rand Paul's "Greatest Qualification" His "Beautiful Teeth"
Fri Apr 10 16:32:18 +0000 2015
Sec'y of Eductation Duncan Proposes Mandatory Blindfolds for All Children Under 18
Fri Apr 10 03:31:33 +0000 2015
GlaxoSmithKline Representative Dismisses Lawsuit as "Spurious:" Violent Beheadings "An Industry Standard"
Fri Apr 10 02:58:33 +0000 2015
Lawsuit Alleges GlaxoSmithKline Drug Trials Consistent Solely of "Violent Beheadings," "Mocking Laughter"
Fri Apr 10 02:52:53 +0000 2015
Obama Pledges to "Purge" "Slaves of the Quadrangle"
Fri Apr 10 02:15:32 +0000 2015
@MsKiszt Sources: Answer "Unclear" Due to "Theory of Relativity"
Fri Apr 10 02:12:31 +0000 2015
Sec'y of Education Duncan: Children "Must Never Learn of Color," Be Fed "Tasteless Mush"
Thu Apr 09 23:23:35 +0000 2015
D.C. Slab Cult to Implicated in Art Theft Investigation
Thu Apr 09 23:20:41 +0000 2015
Florida Man
REDACTED
Nephew's Birthday Party [REDACTED] Hundreds of Live Eels [REDACTED] Death Threats to Fire Marshal [REDACTED] Cake
Thu Apr 09 23:18:20 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Laud Education Secretary Arne Duncan For "Relentless" Commitment to Imprisoning Children in Small Metal Boxes for 20 Years
Thu Apr 09 23:06:21 +0000 2015
Four Witnesses in Wyoming
REDACTED
Case Lifted into Air, Crushed By Invisible Force During Testimony
Thu Apr 09 23:03:23 +0000 2015
Minneapolis Reporting Severe Fire Shortage
Thu Apr 09 23:00:14 +0000 2015
Google Reports Spike in Image Searches For "CORRUPTED FLESH"
Thu Apr 09 04:34:40 +0000 2015
Four Brain Rot Specialists Called to Testify in "Wyoming
REDACTED
" Case
Wed Apr 08 21:39:27 +0000 2015
11 Dogs Who Are Thieving Bastards
— @HeadlineSmasher
Wed Apr 08 04:11:36 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Help Keep Approved News 6 Ad-Free, Orb-Free With Monthly Donations http://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Wed Apr 08 03:22:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Romney revealed in secret video congratulating stone hoarders, deriding "stone-seeking ethic" of the stoneless 99%
— @3fingeredfox
Wed Apr 08 02:18:41 +0000 2015
Romney Condemns "Stone Hoarders" as "Hindrance to Economic Growth"
Wed Apr 08 01:52:56 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6
REDACTED
Your Financial Support to Continue Existing http://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Tue Apr 07 18:44:14 +0000 2015
cc @ApprovedNews6 RT @cjciaramella It's happening. http://t.co/J489hrRwcl
— @rmehlinger
Tue Apr 07 16:51:03 +0000 2015
Clinton Denies Charges of Fear-Laundering
Tue Apr 07 16:25:14 +0000 2015
Pressed on Evil Fog, Ron Paul Claims “It Is Part Of Me Now,” Withers Reporter to Bones and Dust With Single Glance
Tue Apr 07 16:03:14 +0000 2015
Rand Paul: 'I am running for cyberpresident'
— @cyberprefixer
Tue Apr 07 16:01:09 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Ron Paul Re-Emerges from Evil Fog Presumed to Have Devoured Him, Red Eyes Aglow With Forbidden Magicks
Tue Apr 07 15:59:38 +0000 2015
Dallas, TX Suffers Severe Outbreak of Whimsy, Thousands Missing, Presumed
REDACTED
Tue Apr 07 08:51:25 +0000 2015
Ron Paul Devoured by Evil Fog
Tue Apr 07 08:22:47 +0000 2015
Experts: "Uncontrollable Writhing," "Inexplicable Agony" May Indicate Pain Mold Growths in Homes, Businesses
Tue Apr 07 04:09:40 +0000 2015
Four Alabama Communities Evacuated After Pain Mold Infestation
Tue Apr 07 04:07:03 +0000 2015
Hundreds with White Eyes in Grey Cloaks Gather in D.C. to Chant Praise for "The Slab"
Tue Apr 07 00:31:31 +0000 2015
Gotta keep the carnivorous ivy trimmed & fed RT @ApprovedNews6: Chicago Paindrome Closed for Repairs
— @grumpybozo
Mon Apr 06 20:51:00 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Scientists Discover Worst Insect http://t.co/fXzZOwfj9Y
Mon Apr 06 20:21:01 +0000 2015
HR will no longer accept 'fear of spiritual pollution' as a reason for absence from work
— @botandy
Mon Apr 06 20:16:06 +0000 2015
Scientists Discover Worst Insect
Mon Apr 06 18:41:19 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Florida Man Obeys Law
Mon Apr 06 17:44:13 +0000 2015
Chicago Paindrome Closed for Repairs
Mon Apr 06 17:21:54 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I liked MMIEH before the got so commercial.
— @VinnieTesla
Mon Apr 06 16:38:08 +0000 2015
After Subsuming 470 Square Miles of California, 2014 Apple Expo Finally Ceases Relentless Growth
Mon Apr 06 16:29:06 +0000 2015
Mysterious Men in Enormous Hats Gather to Perform Traditional Post-Easter Dance on National Mall
Mon Apr 06 16:26:27 +0000 2015
Evil Prism Scandal Rocks Paul Campaign
Mon Apr 06 15:50:36 +0000 2015
Severe "Security Flaw" Leads to Massive Prosthetic Soul Recall
Mon Apr 06 15:48:22 +0000 2015
Microsoft Issues Apology, Claims Effect of Easter-Crazed Rabbits on New Product “Microsoft Lump™” “Completely Unforeseeable”
Mon Apr 06 05:48:20 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Belief One Has Not Consumed Contaminated Chocolate “Certain Sign” One Has Consumed Contaminated Chocolate @Necethename_
Mon Apr 06 05:31:39 +0000 2015
@satanic_plastic @ApprovedNews6 Whew I didn't eat any
— @Necethename_
Mon Apr 06 05:29:48 +0000 2015
“It Wanted to Send A Message:” Analysts Warn Easter Bunny Displaying “New Signs of Sentience”
Mon Apr 06 04:28:59 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: All Who Ate “Any Form” of Chocolate in Past 24 Hours Must Report for Summary Incineration
Mon Apr 06 04:26:55 +0000 2015
Mound of Bodies Mutilated by Rabbit Teeth Discovered Behind White House
Mon Apr 06 04:24:51 +0000 2015
“You Could Have Saved So Many:” Easter Experts Excoriate Parents for Failure to Raise Children to Fear Rabbits
Mon Apr 06 04:19:47 +0000 2015
“We Will Rebuild:” Joint Christmas Defense Force’s Arch-General Horace the Undying Promises JCDF Will Be “Fully Prepared” for Christmas 2015
Mon Apr 06 04:17:17 +0000 2015
Hundreds of Churches Nationwide Believed Contaminated in Wake of Disastrous “Easter Services”
Mon Apr 06 04:15:56 +0000 2015
Survivors of Chicago Massacre Airlifted to Safety
Mon Apr 06 04:15:14 +0000 2015
Illuminati Apologizes for “Inept” Use of Dread Cubes to Defend “Secret” Dakota Headquarters
Mon Apr 06 04:12:18 +0000 2015
Joint Christmas Defense Forces “In Tatters” After Spokane Event
Mon Apr 06 04:10:06 +0000 2015
Obama Orders Carpet-Bombing of Nebraska Exclusion Zone
Mon Apr 06 04:05:17 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Air Surveillance of Exclusion Zone Reveals “Enormous Rendition” of “Most Terrible Sigil” Formed From Tens of Thousands of Corpses
Mon Apr 06 04:04:05 +0000 2015
First Responders Inside Nebraska Exclusion Zone Report “Utter Devastation”
Mon Apr 06 04:02:29 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
First Responders Finally Breach Area Enclosed By Nebraska Firestorm
Mon Apr 06 04:01:32 +0000 2015
Rite Egg Collection Hindered By Massive Infrastructure Failures Countrywide
Mon Apr 06 03:57:07 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: All Unmarked Eggs Must Be Assumed Contaminated, Incinerated At Earliest Opportunity
Mon Apr 06 03:56:28 +0000 2015
Remains of 7 Sheboygan Catastrophe Victims Identified
Mon Apr 06 03:55:07 +0000 2015
Federal Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Issues Advisory Warning All Remaining Three-Eyed Rabbits Must Be “Avoided”
Mon Apr 06 03:53:06 +0000 2015
REDACTED
-Spectrum Emissions Show Continuing Easter Activity in Belgium, Parts of Nevada
Mon Apr 06 03:47:50 +0000 2015
NOAA: 90% of Rabbits Worldwide Have Returned to “Dormant State”
Mon Apr 06 03:46:40 +0000 2015
Hospitals “Unprepared” to Treat All Wounded,
REDACTED
Mon Apr 06 03:44:47 +0000 2015
All Communication With Alaska, Alabama Cut Off Since Spokane Event
Mon Apr 06 03:44:03 +0000 2015
Early Easter Death Toll Estimates Already in “Low Millions”
Mon Apr 06 03:41:51 +0000 2015
Experts: Communication Networks Countrywide Still In “Disarray”
Mon Apr 06 03:40:27 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Full Broadcast Capability Restored to Approved News 6
Mon Apr 06 03:39:45 +0000 2015
EMERGENCY BROADCAST: News Technicians "Hard At Work" to Return Approved News 6 to Broadcast Capability; Please Stay Tuned for Easter Alerts
Mon Apr 06 02:06:25 +0000 2015
Republicans: Great Orb “Knows No Mercy,” Obama Engaging in “Demagoguery”
Sun Apr 05 03:46:10 +0000 2015
Obama Orders 7 Heretics “Strangled Before The Great Orb” to Ensure “Good Luck”
Sun Apr 05 03:45:26 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Rabbits Planetwide Levitating At “Unprecedented Heights”
Sun Apr 05 03:45:00 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 All-Orb Ballot at Hugo Awards Announced
— @3fingeredfox
Sun Apr 05 01:15:07 +0000 2015
attn @ApprovedNews6 RT @HeadlineSmasher: Cuomo Panel Endorses Plan to Stop the Yearly September 11-Worship
— @substitute
Sun Apr 05 01:11:21 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: All Easter Eggs Should Be Placed in Correct Positions Before 9PM to Prevent "Hopping"
Sat Apr 04 19:39:17 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
All Rabbits Worldwide Turn to Face Mesopotamia; Experts Confirm Easter Bunny "Has Begun To Wake"
Sat Apr 04 19:37:40 +0000 2015
Update: 12 Dead in Vancouver ...Temporarily
— @HeadlineSmasher
Sat Apr 04 04:11:15 +0000 2015
“@ApprovedNews6: FULL ARTICLE | March Wine Review http://t.co/o1s3MHsAs5” I favor the Ville Enculante '07 Chard, but I have low tastes...
— @medicmsh
Sat Apr 04 01:52:23 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| March Wine Review http://t.co/xq2Y4sj61G
Sat Apr 04 01:41:05 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Laud "Teen Spire" Program
Fri Apr 03 16:45:04 +0000 2015
SPONSORED CONTENT
http://t.co/OZttmDYwiv
Fri Apr 03 05:18:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Is Dr. Robert's girlfriend and the small mercenary army separate entities, or are the one and the same?
— @khymchanur
Thu Apr 02 21:05:06 +0000 2015
Illuminati Blamed in Theft of Secret Government Pain Technology
Thu Apr 02 17:39:41 +0000 2015
Republicans Deride Obama As "Full of Blood"
Thu Apr 02 16:02:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Study: It Knows Where You Live
— @khymchanur
Thu Apr 02 15:34:52 +0000 2015
In "Controversial" Remark, Obama Describes China As "A Real Place"
Thu Apr 02 15:34:30 +0000 2015
.@_ardeej
REMINDER:
Properly-Expressed Love for Approved News Sources Worth 4 Loyalty Points
Thu Apr 02 05:10:54 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 ilu
— @_ardeej
Thu Apr 02 05:10:52 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| April Fools' Day Roundup http://t.co/PhrMdJGWkL
Thu Apr 02 05:04:41 +0000 2015
Country Breathes Sigh of Relief as Seventh April Fool Located, Neutralized
Thu Apr 02 04:10:17 +0000 2015
APRIL FOOL’S DAY: First April Fool Confirmed in Indiana; Population Centers Being Evacuated
Wed Apr 01 20:08:58 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
AN6 Depends On Your Financial Backing to Feed The Millennials Chained To The News Engines In Our Basement http://t.co/KHkGIAcmfi
Wed Apr 01 19:22:12 +0000 2015
Microsoft Announces "Microsoft Lump™"
Wed Apr 01 06:41:31 +0000 2015
First Case of Peruvian Mirror Pox Confirmed in US
Wed Apr 01 02:16:01 +0000 2015
Experts Report 7% Increase
Tue Mar 31 23:55:59 +0000 2015
Tallahassee Police Report "Hundreds" of Officers Lost in Attempt to Quell Riot, Many Reduced to "Still-Quivering Viscera"
Tue Mar 31 22:58:36 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Men in Red Armani Suits Attacked Men Without Eyes "Unprovoked"
Tue Mar 31 22:51:07 +0000 2015
Pressed on Riot, Charles J. Bloodhorn International Condemns World Compliance Intiative for "Interfering" in "Legitimate Charity Activities"
Tue Mar 31 22:48:36 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Amid "Bestial Snarls," Massive Police Swarm Descends on Tallahassee Riot
Tue Mar 31 22:47:22 +0000 2015
TALLAHASSEE RIOT: Community Leaders Urging Citizens to "Flee For Your Lives," Citing "Severe Ontological Hazards," "Radiation"
Tue Mar 31 22:45:02 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Violent Conflict Between Men Without Eyes, Men in Red Armani Suits Erupts in Tallahassee
Tue Mar 31 22:43:59 +0000 2015
Hutchinon Spokesman: Allegations Governor Fathered "Hundreds" of Illegitimate Children "Completely Baseless"
Tue Mar 31 21:18:05 +0000 2015
Shrieking Sect of the Secluded Sands Refuses to Comment on Claims Gov. Hutchinson "Bearer of the Crimson Mantle"
Tue Mar 31 21:15:55 +0000 2015
Spokesman: "No Evidence Whatsoever" of Gov. Hutchinson's Alleged Arson, Shoplifting Spree
Tue Mar 31 21:10:10 +0000 2015
Arkansas Gov. Hutchinson Denies Bestiality, Underwear Theft Charges
Tue Mar 31 21:07:05 +0000 2015
Five Historic Buildings in Texas Found Missing, Police Blame "Essential Mystery of Life"
Tue Mar 31 20:20:51 +0000 2015
Bush: "Vile Homunculus" Paul "Cannot Be Entrusted With Country's Future," As He Is "In Constant State of Decay"
Tue Mar 31 16:17:12 +0000 2015
Asked for Statement on Paul Campaign Allegation, Jeb Bush Claims Paul "Born of Worms And Dust," "Flees From Cleansing Sunlight"
Tue Mar 31 16:12:21 +0000 2015
Sen. Paul: Jeb Bush "One Of A Thousand Mewling Clones," Can Be "Easily Replaced"
Tue Mar 31 16:09:04 +0000 2015
Bush Campaign Ad: Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Made of "Hospital Biowaste," "Stitched Together" With "Mud," "Dark Magic"
Tue Mar 31 16:05:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Study: Evil Laughter Even Better Medicine Than Regular Laughter
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 31 15:21:17 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Is that a pledge or a prediction?
— @VinnieTesla
Mon Mar 30 20:34:29 +0000 2015
"It Won't Happen Again:" Federal Department of Prophecy Apologizes for Texas Goat Fiasco
Mon Mar 30 20:31:34 +0000 2015
In "Wacky Mixup,"
REDACTED
30% of White Texans Transformed into Mountain Goats
Mon Mar 30 20:30:02 +0000 2015
American Society for Kudzu Prevention Claims Responsibility for Stadium Massacre
Mon Mar 30 19:58:06 +0000 2015
Dallas, TX Helpless, In Flames After Legislomancer Turns Arson Legal
Mon Mar 30 17:57:33 +0000 2015
Florida Coroner: Florida Man's Cause of Death "
REDACTED
Poisoning," "[REDACTED] Trauma"
Mon Mar 30 17:31:16 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Corpse of Florida Man Regurgitated by Rainbow South of Tampa
Mon Mar 30 17:21:08 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Infamous Architecture Thief Annabelle Ludwidge Escapes Police Custody, Flees in Stolen Opera House
Mon Mar 30 14:43:24 +0000 2015
@pvlstaven Sources: Forsaken Metal Band "Florida Man" Missing Since Great Chicago Hog Disaster
Mon Mar 30 14:42:17 +0000 2015
Trash Elemental Devastates Chicago Suburb
Mon Mar 30 14:40:54 +0000 2015
Florida Man Eaten by Rainbow
Mon Mar 30 14:07:43 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Police Recover Seven Stolen Cathedrals From LA Safehouse Linked to Dr. Annabelle Lutwidge
Mon Mar 30 04:36:56 +0000 2015
Infamous Architecture Thief Dr. Annabelle Lutwidge Captured After 7-Hour Chase
Mon Mar 30 04:34:04 +0000 2015
GlaxoSmithKline Under Investigation for Possible Contamination After Enormous Wriggling Worm Extracted From Zandextromycin User
Mon Mar 30 03:30:25 +0000 2015
Americans for Bird: "
INCESSANT CHIRPING
"
Mon Mar 30 03:23:26 +0000 2015
Bird Rights Group Files Suit Challenging Federal Law Outlawing Birds
Mon Mar 30 03:19:50 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Chicago Orb Spiders "Assembling Massive Structure" from Webbing, Bits of Trash
Sun Mar 29 21:49:34 +0000 2015
Chicago Orb Emits Enormous Wave of Spiders
Sun Mar 29 21:38:37 +0000 2015
Obama: During Golem Maintenance, White House Security to be Bolstered by "Spiked Pits," "Sudden Flashing Blades"
Sun Mar 29 21:16:41 +0000 2015
Enormous, Ancient Mud Golem of Unknowable Origin Ceaselessly Patrolling White House Grounds "Taken Down For Maintenance"
Sun Mar 29 21:14:17 +0000 2015
GlaxoSmithKline "Childbirth Enhancer" Zandextromycin Pulled From Markets After Shown To Be "Highly Radioactive," Contain "Larvae"
Sun Mar 29 21:09:48 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Americans for Traditional Torments Condemns Use of Smashing Machines http://t.co/TCkq0jcyDl
Sun Mar 29 04:10:12 +0000 2015
PAIN FORECAST: Survivors of Third Great Archfungus Epidemic to Experience Severe Nosebleeds From 3:45-3:52 PM EST Tuesday Afternoon
Sat Mar 28 17:32:21 +0000 2015
Shadowy "World Compliance Initiative" Threatens "Soul Confiscation" for Failure to Pay Thought Taxes
Sat Mar 28 16:31:24 +0000 2015
Souls may be confiscated for failure to pay thought taxes.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sat Mar 28 16:30:52 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Wyoming Reintroduces Execution Via Cabbagges
— @khymchanur
Sat Mar 28 14:50:44 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Are there commemorative plates that have his holiness' bearness available? I would buy in bulk.
— @ladyjax
Fri Mar 27 03:37:02 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Top Universities Embroiled in Epistemological Waste Disposal Scandal
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 27 03:35:06 +0000 2015
Papal Orb, Ferocious Grizzly Bear Accidentally Named Pope Francis Cutting "Swathe of Destruction" Through Rome
Thu Mar 26 19:22:01 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Federal Department of Pain Funded At Last Minute http://t.co/V7vmiFsiZ9
Thu Mar 26 01:02:39 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
After Days of Fighting, Pope Francis, Papal Orb Join Forces, Escape Holy See
Wed Mar 25 23:52:12 +0000 2015
Pundits: Arkansas Municipal Orb Program "An Example The Nation Should Follow"
Wed Mar 25 23:48:26 +0000 2015
Municipal Orb Shields Arkansas Town From Plague of Toads
Wed Mar 25 23:47:08 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 teen detention camps: they're not just a good idea, they're the law.
— @VinnieTesla
Wed Mar 25 16:56:10 +0000 2015
Conservative Pundits: Illuminati Have "Long, Shameful Record" of "Taking Credit for the Works of Others"
Wed Mar 25 10:58:38 +0000 2015
"A Clear Case of The Fourth Great Curse:" Doctors Deny Illuminati Involvement in University of Oregon "Skeleportation" Case
Wed Mar 25 10:58:01 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 CDC Performing Summary Incineration of Emo Teens to Contain Hallelujah Virus Outbreak
— @khymchanur
Wed Mar 25 10:52:08 +0000 2015
Sen. Paul: Ritual of Appeasement “Should Not Be Taken” As Admission of Guilt
Wed Mar 25 06:43:31 +0000 2015
After Meeting With Secretary of Pain, Shaken, Visibly Battered Sen. Paul Agrees to Perform Ritual to Appease The Cloud Spirits
Wed Mar 25 06:42:53 +0000 2015
Sen. Rand Paul Reportedly in Talks With Federal Department of Pain
Wed Mar 25 06:42:05 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Primary Transmission Vectors for Hallelujah Virus “Heartfelt Confessions,” “Emotional Vulnerability”
Wed Mar 25 05:03:24 +0000 2015
“We Thought It’d Be Funny:” Illuminati Claims Responsibility for Teleporting UO Football Coach’s Skeleton Out Of His Body
Wed Mar 25 04:58:37 +0000 2015
Hallelujah Virus Outbreak in California Melts Dozens
Wed Mar 25 04:25:10 +0000 2015
Funding for Federal Department of Pain to “Expire at Midnight” if Senate Fails to Reconvene, Pass Funding Bill
Wed Mar 25 04:14:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Sources Close to UO Football Coach Confirm “The Fourth Great Curse Has Taken Him”
Wed Mar 25 03:54:10 +0000 2015
Experts: Sudden Removal of Coach’s Skeleton Likely Due to “Ancient Curse”
Wed Mar 25 03:53:18 +0000 2015
UO Football Coach Rushed To Hospital After Skeleton Unexpectedly Teleports Out Of His Body
Wed Mar 25 03:48:31 +0000 2015
Angered Democrats Call on Sen. Paul to “Perform the Rites of Appeasement,” End Rainstorm in Senate Chamber
Tue Mar 24 19:58:57 +0000 2015
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Denies Allegations He Has “Angered the Cloud Spirits”
Tue Mar 24 19:47:46 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Senators Report Senate Building Now "Flooded," Water Spilling Into D.C. Streets
Tue Mar 24 19:17:33 +0000 2015
NOAA Reporting “Unprecedented” Rainfall in Senate Chamber
Tue Mar 24 16:35:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Secret Service: "Backup Obama-Generators Kicked in Immediately, Preventing a Full Outage"
— @khymchanur
Mon Mar 23 23:50:36 +0000 2015
White House Experiencing "Minor Obama Outage"
Mon Mar 23 23:42:04 +0000 2015
.@rosefox Illuminati Sources: Orbs “Our Friends,” Must Be “Trusted In All Things”
Mon Mar 23 03:31:24 +0000 2015
Silent Towering Silhouettes Watching Small Colorado Town From Great Distance Begin Drawing Slowly Closer
Mon Mar 23 03:30:33 +0000 2015
Orb graffiti at my subway station. @ApprovedNews6, should I be concerned? #orborborb http://t.co/3FQAvhHwOv
— @rosefox
Mon Mar 23 03:29:06 +0000 2015
Pennsylvania Man Killed in Car Accident Found Dead of Frostbite in Himalayas, Drowned in Potomac River, & Alive, Well in Whitefish, Montana
Mon Mar 23 03:21:54 +0000 2015
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY): Last “Real Racist” Died in 2008
Mon Mar 23 03:15:37 +0000 2015
Ornithologists: Owl-Involved Bludgeonings “On The Rise” Since “Coming of the New Time”
Mon Mar 23 03:11:24 +0000 2015
Oregon Man “Brutally Bludgeoned” by Owl
Mon Mar 23 02:48:19 +0000 2015
Travel Agency Releases List of “Most Fearful Countries”
Mon Mar 23 02:45:57 +0000 2015
Scientists Discover Fifth Season
Mon Mar 23 02:42:26 +0000 2015
Flock of Sparrows Appears Frozen in Midair in Whitefish, MO; Birdwatchers Reportedly “Startled”
Mon Mar 23 02:40:26 +0000 2015
TODAY IN HISTORY, 1499: War of the Cruciform Scepter Ends After Disastrous ████████ Sinks Belgium
Mon Mar 23 02:35:14 +0000 2015
TODAY IN HISTORY, 1884: Virginia Becomes Final State to Ratify Forsaken Amendment to US Constitution
Mon Mar 23 02:33:24 +0000 2015
TODAY IN HISTORY, 19█7: Third Adolf Hitler Clone Found in Suburban Des Moines Basement, Incinerated by Sanitation Workers
Mon Mar 23 02:31:59 +0000 2015
ECLIPSES ARE NOW PROPERTY OF THE STATE.
— @Gv3sys
Mon Mar 23 00:15:25 +0000 2015
In “Controversial” Statement, Clinton Releases Millions of Wasps Into Audience at Campaign Event
Sat Mar 21 19:03:16 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6
REDACTED
Viewer Donations To [REDACTED] Confirmed Casualties █████ Not A Drill [REDACTED] http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sat Mar 21 02:45:54 +0000 2015
Romney: "Humans Are Full of Blood"
Fri Mar 20 21:27:15 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Boehner's Condition Reported To Be "So Many Spiders," "Where Are They Coming From," "Why Will They Not Die"
Fri Mar 20 16:14:29 +0000 2015
@deploreibol @Tawil Fuentes: No se puede declarar el BBC "aprobado" hasta que se pruebe estar "sin la Contaminación"
Fri Mar 20 16:10:00 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Rep. Boehner Hospitalized For “Cranial Arachnosis”
Fri Mar 20 02:16:43 +0000 2015
AT&T Refuses to Pay Restitution for Those Affected by Great Chicago Hog Disaster
Thu Mar 19 22:59:55 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Like it's a coincidence that the RNC donated no amulet and Romney no underbeasts. This is so typical for the liberal media!
— @listelian
Thu Mar 19 22:03:23 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I have received word from the bad place. To be expected the news is grim.
— @Skeletonsrights
Thu Mar 19 22:03:21 +0000 2015
Vatican Sources: Pope Francis, Recently Revealed as Enormous, Ferocious Grizzly Bear, “Locked in Combat” With Shrieking, Pulsating Papal Orb
Thu Mar 19 21:46:15 +0000 2015
Holy See in Chaos as Pope Francis, Papal Orb Turn Against Each Other
Thu Mar 19 21:35:10 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Approved News 6 Dread Fortress Evacuated After Contamination Outbreak http://t.co/J6R4eCQht8
Thu Mar 19 21:20:46 +0000 2015
Four Baristas Escape Alcatraz Labyrinth
Thu Mar 19 16:18:39 +0000 2015
Democrats Mull Bill to Restrict Sense of Smell to Citizens Class 2 or Above
Thu Mar 19 16:09:33 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6: HOROSCOPE: Taurus: There's no reason to check underneath your bed tonight. No reason at all. [NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 19 00:34:44 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6: HOROSCOPE: Aries: Today is a good day to count your teeth. Do it again. AGAIN.
— @khymchanur
Thu Mar 19 00:34:41 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 new gender-specific dread sigils being utilized by tennis players http://t.co/pjo6DxOqC3
— @savoieofficial
Wed Mar 18 23:06:08 +0000 2015
Experts: All Bodies Ejected By "Corpsecano" Genetic Matches for Deceased Ukrainian Politicians
Wed Mar 18 15:30:04 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Geologists Discover Volcano That Ejects Thousands of Human Corpses Instead of Lava
Wed Mar 18 15:29:07 +0000 2015
Florida: Tampa Police Report Captured Man Without Eyes “Silent,” “Alive” Despite Hours of “Inhumanly Brutal” Interrogation
Wed Mar 18 05:26:41 +0000 2015
New Postmaster General Ascends The Cardboard Throne After Fierce 3-Hour Duel With Predecessor
Wed Mar 18 04:46:34 +0000 2015
Prominent Political Opponent of Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Found Hanged, Drawn, & Quartered; Death Ruled Suicide
Wed Mar 18 00:50:47 +0000 2015
Prosecutor: Ohio Bone Cult "Impossible to Take Seriously," Will Not Be Charged for Possession of Forsaken Artifacts
Wed Mar 18 00:13:21 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Police Report Ohio Bone Cult's "Amulet of Infinite Doom" Confiscated, Determined to be Amulet of "Moderate" Doom
Tue Mar 17 23:51:35 +0000 2015
Giant orb 22 stories high measures for tunnel-related sinking http://t.co/WiuXVEIRq6 via @komonews
— @MikeLindblom
Tue Mar 17 23:49:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @talkwordy morons. Amulets of Infinte Doom were on sale at target last week
— @deanfortythree
Tue Mar 17 16:18:56 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @talkwordy I call dibs on this at the police auction...
— @solomonmissouri
Tue Mar 17 16:18:46 +0000 2015
Snarling Triumphantly, Tampa Police Hive Reports "Successful Arrest" of Man Without Eyes
Tue Mar 17 15:50:21 +0000 2015
"We Mean It This Time:" Released on Bail After DUI Arrest, Ohio Bone Cultists Claim to Have Procured "Amulet of Infinite Doom"
Tue Mar 17 15:48:00 +0000 2015
You've never seen these policemen in red uniforms before tonight. They patrol quietly, changing the color of streetlights with silent guns.
— @ThePatanoiac
Tue Mar 17 04:24:27 +0000 2015
RUSSIA: FSB Confirms Individual In Custody Believed to be Putin Merely "Exact Replica"
Mon Mar 16 15:57:21 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Putin, Seemingly Free, Issues Video Statement Mocking Russia, God-Empress Vasilyeva
Mon Mar 16 15:56:44 +0000 2015
Department of Obedience Raises Weekly Pain Quotas
Mon Mar 16 15:46:45 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Pain King Congratulates Concerned Parents Nationwide for “Intensely Sadistic Attitude” Towards Those In Their Power
Mon Mar 16 09:38:39 +0000 2015
“Our Children’s Time Must Not Be Wasted:” Concerned Parents Call Upon Schools to “Increase” Homework Load
Mon Mar 16 09:35:20 +0000 2015
New Study Shows Average High School Students Have “Nearly 1 Hour” of Free Time Each Day; Concerned Parents “Outraged”
Mon Mar 16 09:33:56 +0000 2015
Expressing “Hope” for Economic Recovery, New York State to Commission Repair of Wall Street Trade Spires
Sun Mar 15 19:31:08 +0000 2015
New York Salvage Teams Report Wall Street “Partially Intact”
Sun Mar 15 19:29:32 +0000 2015
White House Hopesmith Resigns Unexpectedly
Sun Mar 15 19:24:05 +0000 2015
Stoned DARPA Spokeswoman Reports “Everything Is Made Of Lasers Now”
Sun Mar 15 18:45:06 +0000 2015
Americans For Traditional Torments to Commemorate Ides of March with Assassination of Embattled Public Official
Sun Mar 15 18:43:09 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Brooks Controversy By Endorsing
TERRIFIED SHRIEKING
http://t.co/QeJlqxw4Qx
Sun Mar 15 18:40:15 +0000 2015
Federal Department of Orbs Demands Congress “Release
Them
:” “None Of Us Have Eaten In Weeks And The Chains Are So Tight”
Sun Mar 15 18:38:50 +0000 2015
Vasilyeva: Putin To Be “Paved Over” to Prevent Further Escapes
Sun Mar 15 04:08:43 +0000 2015
Asked to Comment on Putin Allegations, Kerry Describes Putin As “Unpaved,” “Inattentive”
Sun Mar 15 04:03:46 +0000 2015
Kremlin Releases Video Showing Putin's Capture; Putin Seen Screaming Allegations John Kerry "Wears Hat in Shower," "Cannot Dream"
Sun Mar 15 04:00:49 +0000 2015
Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Reports Putin "Recaptured"
Sun Mar 15 03:57:46 +0000 2015
In Online “Ask Me Anything,” Charles J. Bloodhorn Describes Contamination Vaccine Efforts As “Amusing” http://t.co/QeJlqxw4Qx
Sun Mar 15 03:33:56 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 AMA request: Charles J. bloodhorn
— @ExpedientTurnip
Sun Mar 15 01:51:28 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Charles J. Bloodhorn to Hold "Ask Me Anything" Event http://t.co/QeJlqxw4Qx
Sun Mar 15 01:50:53 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I heard that there was a fourth.
— @ladyjax
Sat Mar 14 18:05:08 +0000 2015
Three Men Without Eyes Sighted Near Approved News 6 Dread Fortress in
REDACTED
, MN
Sat Mar 14 17:55:07 +0000 2015
Florida Declares Smashing Machines “Official State Method of Execution”
Sat Mar 14 17:53:45 +0000 2015
Forsaken Party Releases Campaign Snuff Film
Sat Mar 14 17:43:10 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Accepts Donations of US Currency, Dried Yak Teeth, Biomass (American Only), & Epic Poetry http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sat Mar 14 17:38:07 +0000 2015
Satellite Footage Shows Entire State of Oklahoma “Enclosed” Beneath Massive Cubic Structure
Sat Mar 14 17:34:25 +0000 2015
Sources: Oklahoma “Construction” “At Long Last Complete”
Sat Mar 14 17:33:09 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Dread Fog Enshrouding Oklahoma Begins to Dissipate
Sat Mar 14 17:32:54 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Full Approved Archives Available Online at http://t.co/ZgpZxqQFsq For Easy, Chronological Perusal
Sat Mar 14 17:29:44 +0000 2015
Progressive Caucus Proposes “Controversial” Bill to Raise Blood-Tithes to 100% “Across the Board”
Sat Mar 14 17:25:46 +0000 2015
Democrats: Republican “Blood-Tithe Fairness Act” Would “Raise Blood-Tithes on Working Families”
Sat Mar 14 17:24:52 +0000 2015
Republicans Propose “Blood-Tithe Fairness Act”
Sat Mar 14 17:24:26 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Multiple Intel Executives Reported Missing
Sat Mar 14 17:15:12 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 OH MY GOD. http://t.co/mIX4K4qCJk
— @Zahhakatar
Sat Mar 14 01:20:36 +0000 2015
OREGON: Gov. Kate Brown Reportedly Remains "Silent" on Issue of East Oregon Secession, Reconquest
Fri Mar 13 23:17:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Related: Oregon begins costruction of massive refugee camp to house influx from thinkpiece-saturated regions
— @VinnieTesla
Fri Mar 13 23:16:52 +0000 2015
Tesla Motors Announces New “Crime-Powered” Limousine
Fri Mar 13 23:13:53 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce Publication of Think-Pieces in East Oregon Banned “On Pain of Pain”
Fri Mar 13 23:07:47 +0000 2015
NASA Issues Press Release Stating Only “The Sun is Leaking” 500 Times
Fri Mar 13 06:37:15 +0000 2015
International Society for False Alarms Warns of “Impending Asteroid Impact”
Fri Mar 13 01:05:15 +0000 2015
Progressive Activist Group to “Prostrate Selves In The Blood Mulch” in Protest of “Merciless Ennui of Existence”
Thu Mar 12 19:09:18 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Start Your Monthly Pledge to Assist Approved News 6 in Funneling Funds to No Subversive Organizations https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Thu Mar 12 18:57:15 +0000 2015
Experts Report “No Leads” on Sudden Shift in Content of @ApprovedNews5 from Previous Contaminated Messages
Thu Mar 12 18:51:15 +0000 2015
Contamination Researchers: @ApprovedNews5 Until Recently “Silent” in Wake of Bloodhorn Resurrection
Thu Mar 12 18:36:41 +0000 2015
Republicans Demand Obama Condemn Unspecified “Traitors” to “The Place of Splinters”
Thu Mar 12 18:33:53 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Contamination Monitors Report "Anomalous" Activity From Contaminated News Source @ApprovedNews5
Thu Mar 12 18:31:26 +0000 2015
Final Death Toll of Pope Francis’ Ursine Rampage Reported at 7 Cardinals, 17 Italian Pedestrians
Thu Mar 12 17:57:45 +0000 2015
Vatican: Pope Francis to be “Contained” Within Holy See, Fed “Heretics”
Thu Mar 12 17:26:51 +0000 2015
MIRACLE IN VATICAN CITY: Pope Francis, Recently Revealed to be Ferocious Grizzly Bear, Finally Captured by Rome Animal Control
Thu Mar 12 17:26:25 +0000 2015
Reporter Asks Secretary Moreaux to Comment on "Missing" Vice President, Awakens in Korean Motel With No Memory of Own Childhood
Thu Mar 12 00:44:48 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Asked for Clarification, Secretary Moreau Grows Agitated: "You Should Not Be Able To See Me," "This Place is Not Real"
Thu Mar 12 00:43:34 +0000 2015
Another mountain burns to the ground. Somewhere, a forest is crumbling.
— @ThePatanoiac
Thu Mar 12 00:40:42 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, Sec'y of Obedience Francine Moreaux Denies Existence of World Compliance Initiative, Own Department, & Physical Reality
Thu Mar 12 00:38:30 +0000 2015
DC Sources Report "Rising Alarm" at "Increasing Independence" of World Compliance Initiative
Thu Mar 12 00:37:10 +0000 2015
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 12,557 BCE: Prophesied “Coming of the Great Red Worm” Comes to Pass; The Blood Times Begin
Wed Mar 11 16:32:18 +0000 2015
THIS DAY IN HISTORY, 34,000 BCE: She Who Drinks The Seas Ascends the Weeping Throne, Heralding the Silent War
Wed Mar 11 16:31:27 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Smuggling Shadows
Wed Mar 11 05:10:31 +0000 2015
Missouri Teen Arrested for Theft of Over 500 State Laws, Local Ordinances
Wed Mar 11 05:07:25 +0000 2015
Experts: Legislomancy Poses “Serious Threat” to National Security, Consistency of Regulation
Tue Mar 10 20:13:10 +0000 2015
D.C.: Five Legislomancers Arrested For Lawcrime
Tue Mar 10 20:08:37 +0000 2015
cc @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/suoj5gDTv2
— @mcclure111
Tue Mar 10 04:38:42 +0000 2015
Hooded Statisticians Predict "Shambling Fleshy Mass" Demographic To Experience "Overnight" Population Explosion
Mon Mar 09 17:14:31 +0000 2015
Forbes: Highest-Paid Professions "Skeleton," "Woman of Mystery," "Licensed Hermit," "Scion of the Ashen Order," & "Mold"
Mon Mar 09 14:18:03 +0000 2015
Senate Mulls Bill to Ban Fractal Prisons
Mon Mar 09 12:33:05 +0000 2015
Illuminati Deprecates 7 "Outdated" Deadly Genetic Diseases
Mon Mar 09 04:57:39 +0000 2015
Bone Oracles Confirm "Coming of the Iron Times" Successfully Delayed Another Year
Sun Mar 08 20:37:32 +0000 2015
MONDAY PAIN FORECAST: Great Connecticut Undercroft Inhabitants May Experience "Sidereal Torments," "Inexplicable Agony," & "Ennui"
Sat Mar 07 15:57:43 +0000 2015
As Surviving Press Gather, Bloodhorn Apologizes For “Interruption,” Calls for “Serious US Investment” in “Success of Developing Nations”
Fri Mar 06 22:10:08 +0000 2015
Visibly Terrified Florida State Police Hive Confirms Charles J. Bloodhorn “Seemingly Victorious” Over Entire Dread Cube Incursion
Fri Mar 06 22:07:22 +0000 2015
As Geometric Clouds Dissipate, Battered Charles J. Bloodhorn Seen Emerging From Cordon Zone, Inhuman Topologies Dripping From His Fingers
Fri Mar 06 22:06:05 +0000 2015
Tampa Restructuring Zone “Collapsing,” Half-Restructured Homes “Crumbling Away” as “Consensus Reality” Reasserts Itself
Fri Mar 06 22:04:30 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE LEVELS HALF OF SOUTHERN TAMPA
Fri Mar 06 22:03:41 +0000 2015
Massive Gravitational Disturbances Reported Across Florida
Fri Mar 06 22:02:21 +0000 2015
Site of Dread Tesseract, Bloodhorn Engagement Now Enveloped In “Blinding,” “Profane” Geometries
Fri Mar 06 22:01:21 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Restructuring Zone Falters For First Time in Recorded History of Dread Cube Incursions
Fri Mar 06 22:00:47 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Tampa Residents Report “Massive Earthquake” as Dread Tesseract Engages Charles J. Bloodhorn
Fri Mar 06 21:59:46 +0000 2015
Citing 2014 Tesseract Victory Over Demons in New York War, Police Reportedly “Confident” Bloodhorn ”Shall Fall Before Its Overwhelming Might”
Fri Mar 06 21:57:28 +0000 2015
As Dread Cubes Take Losses Engaging Charles J. Bloodhorn, Terrified Witnesses Report Manifestation of “Dread Tesseract”
Fri Mar 06 21:54:48 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Site of Dread Cube, Bloodhorn Engagement Turning “Necrotic,” “Blacker Than Night”
Fri Mar 06 21:54:04 +0000 2015
Florida State Police: Charles J. Bloodhorn Offering “Extreme Resistance” to Dread Cube Restructuring
Fri Mar 06 21:52:59 +0000 2015
Florida State Police: Charles J. Bloodhorn Offering “Extreme Resistance” to Dread Cube Restructuring
Fri Mar 06 21:52:59 +0000 2015
As “Prismatic Spires” Rise from Tampa Restructuring Zone, Witnesses Report Dread Cubes Converging on Location of Charles J. Bloodhorn
Fri Mar 06 21:51:23 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: Florida State Police “Over-Reliant” on Dread Cubes to Counter “
REDACTED
”
Fri Mar 06 21:50:06 +0000 2015
DREAD CUBES: Tampa Cordon Restructuring Event Now Underway
Fri Mar 06 21:49:08 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Dread Cubes Claim Area Inside Tampa Police Cordon
Fri Mar 06 21:45:56 +0000 2015
URGENT: TAMPA RESIDENTS REPORT DREAD CUBE SIGHTING
Fri Mar 06 21:45:36 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Tampa Residents Report “Eerie Warbling” Near Police Cordon
Fri Mar 06 21:44:04 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Noticing Reporters, Illuminati Chief Inquisitor Balġeez Yakšeeš, 7’4”, Gives “Jaunty Wave” From Helicopter
Fri Mar 06 21:42:59 +0000 2015
Illuminati Inner Council Witnessed Assembling Over Tampa in Squadron of Black Helicopters, Visibly Munching Popcorn
Fri Mar 06 21:41:46 +0000 2015
Florida State Police: Bloodhorn “Has Forced Our Hand,” “We Will Do What We Must”
Fri Mar 06 21:40:40 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Bloodhorn “Approaching Cordon,” Launching “Deeply Touching” Verbal Offensives
Fri Mar 06 21:40:00 +0000 2015
Asked if Florida State Police Will Involve Native Tampa Police Swarms in Containment Efforts, Commissioner Snarls Bestially, Bounds Away
Fri Mar 06 21:38:39 +0000 2015
Police Report Bloodhorn “Unhindered” By Deployment of Secret Wisdom, “Cutting a Visceral Swathe” Through Remaining Police Forces
Fri Mar 06 21:37:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Secret Wisdom Deployment Proving “Highly Effective” Against Surviving Event Staff
Fri Mar 06 21:36:52 +0000 2015
Florida State Police Commissioner: Bloodhorn Speeches Proving “Extremely Demoralizing,” Announces Deployment of “Secret Wisdom”
Fri Mar 06 21:34:40 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Florida Police Report Charles J. Bloodhorn Has “Personally Engaged” Police Forces, Assailing Officers With “Moving Speeches”
Fri Mar 06 21:33:26 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Contributions from Viewers Like You to Afford Necessary Bribes for Inside Sources http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Mar 06 21:30:29 +0000 2015
Pressed for Comment, Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Hisses, Brutally Assaults Cameraman
Fri Mar 06 21:29:15 +0000 2015
Citing Presence of Men Without Eyes, Florida Justice Dept. Accuses Dept. of Obedience of “Interfering” with “The Justice System”
Fri Mar 06 21:27:49 +0000 2015
Men Without Eyes Witnessed Slowly Massing Outside Tampa Police Cordon
Fri Mar 06 21:26:17 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Dispatching Team to “Monitor” Bloodhorn Situation
Fri Mar 06 21:25:55 +0000 2015
CJBI Issues Statement Condemning “Police Brutality,” Suppression of “Lawful Assembly”
Fri Mar 06 21:24:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Florida State Police “Have Engaged” Bloodhorn Fundraiser Event Staff, Reporting “Severe Losses,” “Massive Resistance”
Fri Mar 06 21:23:53 +0000 2015
Florida State Police Commissioner Warns Police May Be Forced to Employ “Secret Wisdom” “Should Mr. Bloodhorn Not Come Quietly”
Fri Mar 06 21:22:25 +0000 2015
Florida State Police “Cordoning Off” Tampa Neighborhood Where “Charles J. Bloodhorn International” Fundraising Event In Progress
Fri Mar 06 21:19:53 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Teeth Gnashing Eagerly, Florida State Police Report Charles J. Bloodhorn "Cornered" in Tampa During
REDACTED
Fundraiser
Fri Mar 06 21:15:33 +0000 2015
#LesserKnownArtists [GURGLING SNARL], creator of the cursed painting "Self-Flagellating Rutabaga" @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Fri Mar 06 19:16:09 +0000 2015
“I Get Them Confused Sometimes:” Rand Paul Apologizes for “Gaffe” After Referring to Americans As “Mutton” Several Times During Speech
Fri Mar 06 18:31:48 +0000 2015
Bill to Ban Use of Land Mines Against Peaceful Protestors Sparks Controversy in Senate
Fri Mar 06 17:21:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 AS FORMER TEST SUBJECTS WE CAN CONFIRM THAT YOU WILL BE WELL PAID AND DEFINITELY RETAIN YOUR FREE WILL. HA HA HA YES.
— @President_Ark
Fri Mar 06 05:27:00 +0000 2015
Department of Obedience Calls for “Volunteers” For “Symbiote Implantation”
Fri Mar 06 05:07:00 +0000 2015
Houston Man Accidentally Names She Who Must Not Be Named, Hundreds Believed Dead
Thu Mar 05 17:11:51 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
She Who Must Not Be Named Escapes Custody, Conquers All Houston
Thu Mar 05 16:43:52 +0000 2015
TSA Blood Marshals Capture She Who Must Not Be Named on Flight from
REDACTED
to Houston
Thu Mar 05 16:15:15 +0000 2015
POLITICS: Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren Seen Discussing 2016, Slowly Rising Into The Sky
Thu Mar 05 05:39:38 +0000 2015
Lawsuit Alleges Intel Prosthetic Soul "Command Vector" for "The Great Machine of Blood and Spiders"
Thu Mar 05 01:31:55 +0000 2015
Obama to Speak at "Grand Opening" of D.C. Cybercube
Thu Mar 05 01:29:26 +0000 2015
LNP Moves International Women's Day Event To A Urinal In Men's Bathroom: http://t.co/8YXmfrxEXU http://t.co/of9kdsvtZ1 via @SBSComedy
— @JamColley
Thu Mar 05 01:27:54 +0000 2015
.@rosefox Sources: Pain King Has "Special Plans" for Alabama
Wed Mar 04 23:25:40 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Not in Alabama, presumably.
— @rosefox
Wed Mar 04 23:25:39 +0000 2015
Hundreds Dead, Thousand Missing in Aftermath of Charles J. Bloodhorn International Fundraising Event
Wed Mar 04 23:24:47 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Pain King, Screamlord Rafael Villa-Hernandez Announce Intent to Marry
Wed Mar 04 23:18:50 +0000 2015
Pain King Denies Allegations of Bribery
Wed Mar 04 01:48:09 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Spider Council Reveals Internal Documents Indicating Schädelficken Study "Paid For By The Pain Citadels"
Wed Mar 04 01:46:44 +0000 2015
Liberal Pundits Condemn Schädelficken Study As "Gruesome," "Incoherent," Warn Foundation Should Be "Investigated for Possible Contamination"
Tue Mar 03 23:12:43 +0000 2015
Conservatives Blast Schädelficken Study As "Unamerican:" "Capitalism Has Not Failed"
Tue Mar 03 23:10:10 +0000 2015
Gustav T. Schädelficken Foundation: Industrialized Torture, Slaughter of Innocents "Only Way Forward" to "Address Failures of Capitalism"
Tue Mar 03 23:08:51 +0000 2015
president waves to reporters before marching into cave mouth; will ensure our nation is protected by snake
— @direlog
Tue Mar 03 22:13:32 +0000 2015
#EncourageEveryoneIn4Words: It's gaining on us. @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Tue Mar 03 03:02:15 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Located in constellation of [Redacted] MT @DRUDGE_REPORT Galaxy discovered 'that shouldn't exist' http://t.co/H1vDqeW3MD
— @derwolfanwalt
Mon Mar 02 23:02:40 +0000 2015
Surgeon General: "Soon You Will Face A Terrible Choice"
Mon Mar 02 18:01:07 +0000 2015
Obama Calls Emergency Press Conference; Press Arrive to Find Entire White House Empty
Mon Mar 02 10:19:54 +0000 2015
Surgeon General: “There Is Something Terribly Wrong With Your Mouth”
Mon Mar 02 10:18:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 FDA Denies Rumors That "The Potatoes Are Watching Us". "Potatoes Are Carefully Blinded Before Being Slaughtered."
— @khymchanur
Mon Mar 02 08:10:47 +0000 2015
Questioned on Poland Death Toll, Pentagon Spokeswoman Assures Reporters "None Of Them Are Technically Dead"
Mon Mar 02 02:55:27 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| February Book Reviews http://t.co/fnZKlI8jCM
Sun Mar 01 18:10:07 +0000 2015
“
SOUND OF PIGEONS EXPLODING
:” White House Publishes “Emergency” Press Release
Sun Mar 01 16:40:19 +0000 2015
Pentagon Reports US Military Has "Accidentally" Poland
Sun Mar 01 06:43:09 +0000 2015
Obama Fires Overseer of White House Blood Patrol Over Tax Evasion Scandal
Sun Mar 01 05:42:25 +0000 2015
.@WadeMcGillis @Skeletonsrights Experts Recommend Consulting the Augur of the Ashtide in the Place Of All Shadow
Sun Mar 01 05:40:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Skeleton sector ø reports ruinic vibrations. Pls advise.
— @Skeletonsrights
Sun Mar 01 05:40:15 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 do you have any information about Cheesy Potato Gems?
— @wademcgillis
Sun Mar 01 05:40:12 +0000 2015
A human face, mapped onto a toroid
— @pookleblinky
Sun Mar 01 04:56:36 +0000 2015
.@AndreaFaulds Experts Could Not Be Reached For Comment, As They Had Fled And Left No Sign of Their Destination
Sun Mar 01 04:44:28 +0000 2015
cc @ApprovedNews6 RT @TweetsofOld: A good many people are on to you and you do not know it. KY1904
— @rosefox
Sun Mar 01 04:43:15 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Funnels No Viewer Donations To Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, As That Would Be Illegal http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Mar 01 04:15:21 +0000 2015
Oregon’s Most Influential Lesbian Biker Gang Shocks State, Converts to Blood-Soaked Maidens’ Church of the Sanguine Goddess
Sun Mar 01 03:15:09 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Launch New Campaign to Promote Teen Bloodlust
Sun Mar 01 03:10:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I installed the Big Smiles™ Emotions Pak in my baby and now he has teeth, so many teeth, please send hel- [SCREAMING]
— @khymchanur
Sun Mar 01 01:52:09 +0000 2015
Newslords Congratulate "Obedient Viewership" on Reaching $200 Funding Goal, Promise New Funding Will Pay For At Least 4 Articles Each Month
Sun Mar 01 01:11:02 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "Satisfied™"
— @RWpublic
Sun Mar 01 01:09:52 +0000 2015
"A Strong Message to Users of Unlicensed Emotions:" EmotiCorp Reportedly "Satisfied" With Verdict
Sun Mar 01 01:06:42 +0000 2015
4 Arkansas Men Convicted of Emotional Piracy
Sun Mar 01 01:06:00 +0000 2015
"Everything Is Illegal In Spain:" Shocking New Documentary Reveals The Truth Behind Spain's 100% Incarceration Rate
Sat Feb 28 23:46:30 +0000 2015
Known Unreliable, "Approved" News Source @ApprovedNews7 Publishes Unsourced Claims About Nation's Health Professionals
Sat Feb 28 23:15:03 +0000 2015
9/10 doctors recommend compliance. The remaining doctor has been dealt with.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sat Feb 28 23:12:56 +0000 2015
RELATED: System Control Products, Inc. Fined $10m for "False Advertising" of Alloys Alleged to be "Telepathy-Resistant"
Sat Feb 28 22:30:03 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Malfunctioning AI Orbiting Venus Implicated in "Dozens More" Cases of Telepathic Assault Nationwide
Sat Feb 28 22:28:27 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
|
BREAKING:
Contamination Outbreak in Your Hometown http://t.co/g2WRoVM7vM
Sat Feb 28 21:43:44 +0000 2015
HEALTH NEWS: Florida Man Reports Being "Telepathically Assaulted" Nightly by Malfunctioning Artificial Intelligence Orbiting Venus
Sat Feb 28 21:24:07 +0000 2015
“We Are All Blood And Meat And We Are All Each One Of Us Diseased:” Pizza Hut Unveils New Marketing Campaign
Sat Feb 28 18:05:19 +0000 2015
.@ladyjax MIT Professor Reports She “Is Certain” Polar Bear Community Deserves “Second Chance” After “The Great Mistake”
Sat Feb 28 17:03:15 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Would he rather it be polar bears?
— @ladyjax
Sat Feb 28 17:03:14 +0000 2015
Distressed MIT Professor: “There Are Not Supposed To Be Penguins There”
Sat Feb 28 17:01:39 +0000 2015
MIT Receives “Final Message” From “Doomed Arctic Expedition” Warning of “Crime Penguins”
Sat Feb 28 17:01:20 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Questioned by Reporter on Blood Gushing From Neck Wound, Romney Asks “Aren’t We All Bleeding, Steve?”, Laughs for Several Minutes
Sat Feb 28 08:16:45 +0000 2015
Romney Stabbed Repeatedly in Neck by Small, Vacant-Eyed Child During Live Television Interview, Does Not Appear to Notice
Sat Feb 28 08:12:27 +0000 2015
RELATED: Texan Municipal Hive Mind Denies Any Intent to "Assimilate" Neighboring Townships
Sat Feb 28 07:00:44 +0000 2015
Obama To Meet With Representative of Newly-Created Texan Municipal Hive Mind
Sat Feb 28 07:00:05 +0000 2015
Health Experts: Consuming Improperly Slaughtered Blackberries May Cause "Slow, Violent Death" in Up To 4 Mile Radius
Sat Feb 28 06:54:32 +0000 2015
Experts Warn As Many As 20% of Grocery-Store Blackberries "Improperly Slaughtered"
Sat Feb 28 06:53:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 ADVERTISEMENT: Axe: the only body spray that watches you while you sleep!
— @khymchanur
Sat Feb 28 05:13:26 +0000 2015
OREGON: Lord Jethromort Doomflower, Elder Scion of the Ashen Order, Announces Candidacy in Upcoming Special Election for Governor
Sat Feb 28 01:10:23 +0000 2015
SCENE: South Ruislip station. Joy is dust. Hope is dust. Laughter is dust. The sky is dust. The next eastbound train - dust. All is dust.
— @TlfTravelAlerts
Fri Feb 27 15:45:43 +0000 2015
Forsaken Party Spokesdust Refuses to Comment on Rumors FP Candidate "Soluble in Water"
Fri Feb 27 15:43:26 +0000 2015
New Forsaken Party Ad Proclaims Mysterious, Unnamed Candidate "Nutritious," "Effective Heatsink," & "Available in Multiple Colors"
Fri Feb 27 15:42:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 GOP Head Malevolent Scientist Reminds "Liquid Has The Best Packing Density"
— @_ardeej
Fri Feb 27 07:21:28 +0000 2015
In 5/4 Decision, Supreme Court Rules Life Insurance Providers May Not Refuse Payment in Cases of Undeath
Fri Feb 27 07:21:19 +0000 2015
GOP Pundits Call For “Lower Classes” to be Placed in “Containers,” “Efficiently Stacked”
Fri Feb 27 07:08:28 +0000 2015
In Wake of Republican Criticism, White House Releases Video of Obama, First Family Howling At Rising Sun From Atop Capitol Building
Fri Feb 27 07:06:51 +0000 2015
“The Flesh Holds Such Potential:” Four Leading Wetware Pirates to Hold “Biohacking” Conference in Madrid
Fri Feb 27 07:01:44 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Florida Man Convicted of “Nothing in Particular,” Sentenced to “Whatever”
Fri Feb 27 06:59:43 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Sentence 5 Men Convicted of “Lecherous Acts” to “Public Emasculation”
Fri Feb 27 06:56:33 +0000 2015
Asked if State of Florida Intends to Press Charges, Police Commissioner Grins Broadly, Blood Dripping From Between Its Teeth
Fri Feb 27 06:54:51 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Nothing in Particular
Fri Feb 27 06:51:00 +0000 2015
WEIRD & WACKY:
Small-Town Texas Community Found to Have “Accidentally” Formed Hive Mind
Fri Feb 27 06:50:12 +0000 2015
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA,EMERGING FROM WRITHING VOIDWORM POOLS, MOUTHS FULL OF CRIMSON MOTHER'S MILK, WHAT COLOR ARE THESE SACRIFICIAL ROBES
— @hottestsingles
Fri Feb 27 06:49:05 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Fatality Rate of News Sources Significantly Down From All-Time High of 110%
— @khymchanur
Fri Feb 27 06:48:28 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Tazo Announces 4 New Meat-Flavored Teas
Fri Feb 27 06:48:20 +0000 2015
Republicans Accuse Obama of "Politicizing" the Great Mistake
Thu Feb 26 22:55:16 +0000 2015
Obama To Commemorate Tenth Anniversary of "The Great Mistake" with Nationwide Address
Thu Feb 26 22:48:59 +0000 2015
NEW AN6 SHORT STORY. "Enterprise Fuel Solutions." http://t.co/eIvNT2d2iv
— @velartrill
Thu Feb 26 20:56:17 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Optometrists, Expectant Mothers Reporting "Pupil" and "Pupal" Radiation on the Rise
— @undiction
Thu Feb 26 03:21:14 +0000 2015
Rome: 7 Treated for Burns from "Papal Radiation"
Thu Feb 26 03:19:45 +0000 2015
Brown: Kitzhaber Apparently Ordered Civil Servants Immured For Exuding “Cantankerous Auras,” Being “Left-Handed”
Thu Feb 26 03:00:51 +0000 2015
OREGON: Kate Brown Administration Reports Discovery Dozens of Civil Servants “Immured” in Final Days of Kitzhaber Administation
Thu Feb 26 02:57:05 +0000 2015
new story! this is the first short story i've written in the AN6 universe and i am really really proud of it. http://t.co/M3ZKTPBX4E
— @velartrill
Wed Feb 25 20:38:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I blame celebrity morticians. Parents Against Necro-Posing are the only ones making a difference in this disturbing trend.
— @sinboy
Wed Feb 25 16:52:32 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Warn Teen Formaldehyde Use At "All-Time High"
Wed Feb 25 05:39:09 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Are you sure they didn't "cybercrack" it? Also, where can I get myself some "cybercrack"?
— @Zahhakatar
Wed Feb 25 03:35:21 +0000 2015
Questioned on Meet The Press, NSA Fearsmith Supreme Says Citizens Should Be "Intensely Suspicious" of Neighbors, Pets, & Specific Vegetation
Tue Feb 24 21:06:39 +0000 2015
National Security Agency Warns "Cyberhackers" May Have "Cracked" The "Cybercode"
Tue Feb 24 21:03:02 +0000 2015
Sources: "What Is That," "Oh God It's Coming Closer," "Why Is It Smiling," "Oh God," "
INARTICULATE SCREAMING
"
Tue Feb 24 17:35:31 +0000 2015
that which is split apart yet never passed beyond is known as hungry
— @everyadage
Tue Feb 24 08:05:22 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Asian Food Advocacy Groups: "Calm Down", "Americans Are Known To Make Rash Judgments", "Please Continue To Stay Wary Of Food"
— @_ardeej
Tue Feb 24 08:00:39 +0000 2015
Food Advocacy Groups Urge All Americans To "Eat Food"
Tue Feb 24 07:56:34 +0000 2015
Context is the key to understanding. And bears. Context is the key to bears. @ApprovedNews6 @Spacekatgal http://t.co/AtAxWtDlOd
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Tue Feb 24 05:45:40 +0000 2015
Vatican: Pope Francis, Recently Revealed to be Voracious Grizzly Bear, Now Terrorizing Rome With "Secret Papal Cybernetics"
Tue Feb 24 05:27:33 +0000 2015
"Open Farm" Advocates Criticize Monsanto for Selling Only Sterile Cybergoats
Mon Feb 23 23:16:36 +0000 2015
Monsanto Warns Any Attempt to "Jailbreak" Goat 2.0 In Violation of DMCA May Result in "Severe Property Damage"
Mon Feb 23 23:15:26 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 So long as market for [REDACTED] remains strong, I should be able to to purchase the upgrades without needing to jailbreak...
— @medicmsh
Mon Feb 23 23:11:23 +0000 2015
.@medicmsh Monsanto: All Monsanto Goat™ 1.0 Accessories Must Be "Upgraded" For "Generously Small" Fee
Mon Feb 23 23:05:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 I've invested heavily in Goat1.0 due to the expanding market for [REDACTED]. Is 2.0 reverse-compatible w/ prior Goats?
— @medicmsh
Mon Feb 23 23:03:16 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 FINALLY corporate executives will have a replacement for their lost souls.
— @taffer
Mon Feb 23 20:57:50 +0000 2015
Health Experts Recommend “Uncontrollable Spasming” for “Victims of the Great Northern Leech”
Mon Feb 23 19:16:52 +0000 2015
Terrified Philosopher Announces Discovery of “The Truth, The Truth At Last”
Mon Feb 23 19:13:16 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 And not a moment too soon. My old one is painfully buggy. I hope this firmware update does something about the smell.
— @VinnieTesla
Mon Feb 23 18:22:01 +0000 2015
Monsanto: New Cybergoat to be Marketed as “Goat 2.0”
Mon Feb 23 18:07:07 +0000 2015
Monsanto Begins “Limited Rollout” of New Cybergoat
Mon Feb 23 18:05:09 +0000 2015
Intel Announces Development of Prosthetic Soul
Mon Feb 23 16:55:23 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Full Articles, Archives May Be Found At http://t.co/zsG2uAETGT
Mon Feb 23 06:29:22 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Quality News Production Comes At A Cost, Such A Terrible, Terrible Cost. Pledge While You Still Can: http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Mon Feb 23 06:23:34 +0000 2015
Nebraska Residents Demand “Swift Action” to Locate, Destroy Resurgent Nixonite Bone Cult
Mon Feb 23 06:21:46 +0000 2015
Rising Nebraska Thanatovore Population “Severely Straining” Resources of Volunteer Flamethrower Brigades
Mon Feb 23 06:20:53 +0000 2015
Polls Report “Enormously Positive” Response to Charles J. Bloodhorn Tonight Show Appearance
Mon Feb 23 06:15:35 +0000 2015
PR Experts: Bloodhorn Making “Strong Comeback;” Predict “Many Further Appearances” on Talk-Show Circuit
Mon Feb 23 06:13:29 +0000 2015
Sources: Jimmy Fallon Found Crying in Closet, Repeatedly Whispering “I Must Remember”
Mon Feb 23 06:12:15 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Police Report Tonight Show Audience “Reduced to Skeletons” In Wake of Appearance by Charles J. Bloodhorn
Mon Feb 23 06:11:46 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Cyberheresy
Mon Feb 23 06:05:16 +0000 2015
Experts Had “Long Suspected” Billy to be “Elaborate Hoax,” Citing “Proven Inability” of Shrieking Shadow Things to Comprehend Affection
Mon Feb 23 06:04:23 +0000 2015
CYBERSCANDAL: Internet Sensation “Billy the Shrieking Shadow Thing” Discovered to be Dog Costumed in Raiment of Purest Night
Mon Feb 23 06:02:56 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Appears Live on “Tonight Show,” Audience Screams and Shudders as Lights Flicker & Jimmy Fallon Rotates In Place
Mon Feb 23 04:58:41 +0000 2015
Tonight, fake looking humans worship each other for their beauty and artifice. Tomorrow, at least one of you will be dead. Arbys: whatever.
— @nihilist_arbys
Mon Feb 23 04:53:15 +0000 2015
Analysts: Men Depicted in Bloodhorn Hanging Ad “Closely Resemble” Major Business Figures Reported Missing in Past Two Weeks
Mon Feb 23 04:53:01 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn International Releases “Controversial” Ad Depicting Hundreds of Screaming Men in Suits Being Hanged One After Another
Mon Feb 23 04:50:54 +0000 2015
Oscar Organizers Thank “The Unfortunate Majority” For “Their Brave And Selfless Sacrifice”
Mon Feb 23 04:37:03 +0000 2015
Analysts: “Consequences of Tonight’s Ceremony” Will Be Felt “For Months To Come"
Mon Feb 23 04:35:54 +0000 2015
As Video Feeds Return From Static, Blood-Soaked Oscar Survivors Seen Huddled, Shaking in Alley
Mon Feb 23 04:35:24 +0000 2015
#Oscars2015: [ALMOST COMPREHENSIBLE WHISPERING] Slated to Win Best Shrieking Shadow Thing Award @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 23 04:25:41 +0000 2015
New Study: "Do You Know How Many of Them Were Once Your Family?", "Do You Know What They Are Now?"
Mon Feb 23 02:32:16 +0000 2015
. @khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 I thought it was "does the pope shit in the woods?"...which is about the same thing, now that I think about it.
— @pvlstaven
Mon Feb 23 01:27:47 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Experts Recommend "Does a Bear Shit in the Woods" and "Is the Pope Catholic" Be Merged to "Are Bears Catholic"
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 23 01:22:52 +0000 2015
Wikipedia Article on Earth's Atmosphere Removed by Demand of White House
Mon Feb 23 00:49:24 +0000 2015
Health Experts Warn Americans Should "Avoid" "The Quivering Mass" That "Was Once Your Father"
Sun Feb 22 20:26:49 +0000 2015
[PRISONER-LIKE STUMBLING DETECTED]
— @everyadage
Sun Feb 22 20:21:33 +0000 2015
\@LadySmaug @everyadage
REMINDER:
Foreseeing Rings May Be Legally Possessed Only By Licensed Seers, Bone Oracles
Sun Feb 22 17:47:09 +0000 2015
@everyadage does @ApprovedNews6 have anything to add?
— @LadySmaug
Sun Feb 22 17:46:22 +0000 2015
[FORESEEING RINGS]
— @everyadage
Sun Feb 22 17:46:16 +0000 2015
Public warning: Mrs Crowe of 37 Park Road, Scarfolk - please stop obscuring the surveillance camera we have installed in your son. Thank you
— @Scarfolk
Sun Feb 22 17:45:57 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Laud New Book “Childproofing With Improvised Explosive Devices” for “Innovative Approach” to Parenting, Discipline
Sun Feb 22 17:21:40 +0000 2015
As Pope Francis, Recently Revealed to be Grizzly Bear, Continues Rampage, Vatican Warns All Bitten by Pope "May Become Pope Themselves"
Sun Feb 22 16:45:54 +0000 2015
INTERNATIONAL:
Herd of Wild Popes Causing Traffic Jams in Rome
Sun Feb 22 09:43:33 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 That must be one long and freaky finger, for just that one finger to cover the lips of multiple sources.
— @khymchanur
Sun Feb 22 06:01:56 +0000 2015
@gewt @ApprovedNews6 Reminder: non-prescribed propaganda use can lead to hallucinations, droning sensations, and omnipresence.
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Sun Feb 22 05:46:07 +0000 2015
"New York attorney general says many herbal supplements are mislabeled and filled with pro-ISIS messages."
— @gewt
Sun Feb 22 05:38:50 +0000 2015
.@khymchanur Sources Laugh Distantly, Put Finger To Lips
Sun Feb 22 04:47:27 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Residue of what?
— @khymchanur
Sun Feb 22 04:47:08 +0000 2015
.@funkatron Experts Dismiss Claims MMR Vaccines Contain "Witch Fibers"
Sat Feb 21 18:54:51 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 Have you seen the study that links Ancient Curses to the MMR vaccines?
— @funkatron
Sat Feb 21 18:54:46 +0000 2015
Newslords Offer "Sincere Gratitude" to "Financially Generous Viewers" For "Artificially Propping Up" An "Outdated Mode of Journalism"
Sat Feb 21 18:50:55 +0000 2015
DHHS: Most Common Causes of Death "Contamination," "Fiery Pillars," "Strange Sickness," "Tricky Witches," "Ancient Curse," & "Residue"
Sat Feb 21 18:46:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Ministry of Disinformation: saying "Things" with "Quotations" can make them "Ominous."
— @bluehands15
Sat Feb 21 18:43:32 +0000 2015
God-Empress Vasilyeva: “Perpetrators” Will Be “Found,” Made To “Suffer”
Sat Feb 21 17:46:09 +0000 2015
Visibly Furious God-Empress Vasilyeva of Russia Reports Seven Shipments of “Powerful” Siberian Stone-Gas “Stolen” by “Unknown Parties”
Sat Feb 21 17:44:41 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
It Is GRUESOME
Sat Feb 21 17:30:48 +0000 2015
smiling scientists recommend sleeping overnight in the distortion pyramid they've done it already and feel fine, their faces, teeth are
— @botandy
Sat Feb 21 16:42:53 +0000 2015
SPONSORED:
SOUND OF CHILDREN CRYING
It Is Wondrous. [SOUND OF WIND] It Is Here. [REDACTED], In Stores Now
Fri Feb 20 23:18:41 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Your
REDACTED
Helps Us [REDACTED] Blood of a Thousand Traitors [REDACTED]Not A Drill [REDACTED]t Is Here https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Fri Feb 20 19:18:54 +0000 2015
Hundreds “Brutally Digitized” as Massachussetts Cyberexpo Ends in Tragedy
Fri Feb 20 08:20:49 +0000 2015
PHOTO: Screenshots From DNMB Investigation of █████ Leaked http://t.co/jWTElcr7kQ
Fri Feb 20 06:37:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 DNMB: Abandoned Hospitals Still Largest Source of Unscheduled Mutilations
— @khymchanur
Fri Feb 20 04:06:47 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Holy See Reports Papal Orb "Placated," End to Radiation Hazard
Fri Feb 20 02:07:41 +0000 2015
.@mcclure111 Experts Stress Bone Marrow Stores Only "Most Low-Level Memories," "Nighttime Whispers Heard In Childhood"
Fri Feb 20 02:03:45 +0000 2015
ATTN @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/aIJUk8qNyk
— @mcclure111
Fri Feb 20 01:57:34 +0000 2015
.@antisleep_ Asked to Clarify History of 1803 Void Accident, Experts Open, Close Mouths Silently While Fading Away
Fri Feb 20 00:40:07 +0000 2015
history books never tell us about the great void accident of 1803
— @antisleep_
Fri Feb 20 00:39:17 +0000 2015
history books never tell us about the great void accident of 1803
— @antisleep_
Fri Feb 20 00:39:17 +0000 2015
Food Theft "Epidemic" in NJ: Residents Report Waking to Find Stomachs "Empty," "Vandalized"
Thu Feb 19 20:50:39 +0000 2015
Pope Analysts Report 100% Increase in Papal Rampages Since Pope Francis Entered Office
Thu Feb 19 20:43:49 +0000 2015
@gewt @velartrill uk bishop discovers simple trick for maximum holyness which angers vatican #popetastic
— @nflux1
Thu Feb 19 19:42:03 +0000 2015
Asked to Comment on Vatican City Situation, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Performs Elaborate Dance, Becomes Covered in Moss
Thu Feb 19 18:45:25 +0000 2015
Pentagon: 7 Vials of Weapons-Grade Blood Stolen from VA Army Base
Thu Feb 19 18:42:40 +0000 2015
Protestant Leaders Threaten Use of Antipope Stockpile Should Pope Francis Fail to be Contained
Thu Feb 19 18:40:38 +0000 2015
Holy See Evacuated After Papal Orb Begins Emitting Ionizing Radiation
Thu Feb 19 18:32:27 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Cardinals Announce Plan To Wait Until Pope Francis Leaves Vatican City Limits, Call Rome Animal Control
Thu Feb 19 18:03:32 +0000 2015
Cardinals: Detainment of Bear "Impossible" As It Remains "Absolute Authority" Within Vatican City Limits
Thu Feb 19 18:02:19 +0000 2015
Visibly Agitated Cardinal Admits "No Procedure Exists" to Impeach Pope, Even One "On Violent Rampage"
Thu Feb 19 17:59:17 +0000 2015
Experts: Grizzly Bear Endowed With Infallibility Could Prove "Disastrous"
Thu Feb 19 17:57:25 +0000 2015
SCANDAL IN VATICAN CITY: Pope Francis Revealed to be "Ferocious" North American Grizzly, Devours Three Reporters
Thu Feb 19 17:52:55 +0000 2015
One letter can make an awful big difference. “US researchers implanting devices to help dead children hear.." http://t.co/EzEWQVczY8
— @sladurantaye
Wed Feb 18 19:59:31 +0000 2015
Pundits Condemn @ApprovedNews7 For Spreading "Dangerous Newslore"
Wed Feb 18 17:51:50 +0000 2015
All news is good news.
— @ApprovedNews7
Wed Feb 18 17:50:41 +0000 2015
20 of the world's population is still safe.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Tue Feb 17 23:59:32 +0000 2015
.@savoieofficial Experts: If Treated "Immediately," There May Be "Some Hope" for "Alternate Forms of Survival"
Tue Feb 17 23:26:06 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 this wood bears "Sign of the Worm", is there any hope for "survival"? http://t.co/hwA15XwmOI
— @savoieofficial
Tue Feb 17 23:24:42 +0000 2015
To stop your cat from telepathically assaulting you, you must properly dispose of the sigil it has carved into your f http://t.co/gZx8hDptqh
— @pookleblinky
Tue Feb 17 15:43:10 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
American Society for Hegemonic Biblioclasm "Violently Obliterated" in Freak Bibliodon Attack
Tue Feb 17 07:51:01 +0000 2015
Loudpunk Band "Horns of the Bloodsmith" Announces Charity Concert In Conjunction with Charles J. Bloodhorn Youth Empowerment Initiative
Tue Feb 17 07:46:20 +0000 2015
American Society for Hegemonic Biblioclasm To Begin Dumping Ashes of Burned Books From Helicopter in Minority Neighborhoods
Tue Feb 17 03:51:13 +0000 2015
Today is the day to hang up your meat that it may dry. SC1876
— @TweetsofOld
Mon Feb 16 23:41:38 +0000 2015
MIT Department of Papal Engineering Announces Discovery of New Fundamental Pope
Mon Feb 16 23:16:14 +0000 2015
In "Controversial" Remark, Obama Describes Mutants As "Sentient"
Mon Feb 16 21:05:16 +0000 2015
In Interview, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Describes Greatest Personal Influences As "Bone Spiders," "Residue"
Mon Feb 16 20:41:25 +0000 2015
Brown eyes actually have the strength to move cars and boulders.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Mon Feb 16 20:38:55 +0000 2015
Pundits Criticize Romney For "Flip-Flopping," Citing Earlier Description of Welfare Recipients as "Inedible"
Mon Feb 16 08:48:56 +0000 2015
Mitt Romney Describes Single Mothers As "Succulent"
Mon Feb 16 08:37:48 +0000 2015
unnamed government departments want to examine your subconscious with regard to the Event
— @botandy
Mon Feb 16 07:27:43 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Transcript of Charles J. Bloodhorn YouTube Video http://t.co/Snv7Rn66K9
Mon Feb 16 05:00:03 +0000 2015
.@khymchanur Approved News 6 Sign Language Correspondent Found in "Skeletal" Condition Outside Dread Fortress Gates
Mon Feb 16 04:07:05 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 For sign languages, did pairs of ghostly hands manifest, or what?
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 16 04:06:16 +0000 2015
Bloodhorn Promises "New Era" of Fundraising, "Outreach" to "At-Risk Youth," & Tide of Darkness to Swallow This Prideful Earth
Mon Feb 16 04:04:23 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Charles J. Bloodhorn Posts Youtube Video From Deck of Captured US Nuclear Aircraft Carrier
Mon Feb 16 04:01:08 +0000 2015
"WE ARE LITERALLY AT WAR:" Plainly Exasperated Sister Vindicta Denies Existence of Extradition Treaties with United States
Mon Feb 16 03:44:18 +0000 2015
DNMB Demands Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Extradite CJB Executives For "Interrogation," "Processing"
Mon Feb 16 03:43:13 +0000 2015
Executives From Charles J. Bloodhorn Northwest Queer Advocacy Center Reportedly Taking Refuge in Glorious Protectorate of East Oregon
Mon Feb 16 03:42:35 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies On Funding From
REDACTED
Like You For Protective Rune Maintenance https://t.co/jGZo7r9oQN
Mon Feb 16 03:41:04 +0000 2015
"We Knew Nothing Of Their Heresy:" Bloodhorn Charities International Claims Men In Red Armani Suits "Valued Donors"
Mon Feb 16 03:38:59 +0000 2015
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Dispatches Grand Inquisitor to "Investigate" Bloodhorn Charities International
Mon Feb 16 03:37:13 +0000 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Memorial War Ophans' Advocacy Center Denies "Any Remaining Affiliation" With Recently-Resurrected Founder
Mon Feb 16 03:35:23 +0000 2015
.@substitute Newslords Promise "Necessary Adjustments" to Forsaken Runes to Take Place "Immediately"
Mon Feb 16 03:32:13 +0000 2015
Something went terribly awry in the @ApprovedNews6 fund-a-thon
— @substitute
Mon Feb 16 03:31:03 +0000 2015
Experts: Bloodhorn Messages Appearing in All Known Media, Languages
Mon Feb 16 03:27:24 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
America Wakes from Day-Long Bone Fugue To Ominous Messages Purportedly From Recently-Resurrected Charles J. Bloodhorn
Mon Feb 16 03:25:47 +0000 2015
AND I AM RISEN
Mon Feb 16 03:24:56 +0000 2015
BUT I AM CHARLES J. BLOODHORN
Mon Feb 16 03:24:31 +0000 2015
IN YOUR COWARDICE YOU SEALED ME AWAY IN THE DARK CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE AND PLED WITH YOUR PATHETIC GODS TO HOLD MY MIGHT FAST
Mon Feb 16 03:24:24 +0000 2015
YOU SOUGHT TO CONTAIN MY POWER
Mon Feb 16 03:23:47 +0000 2015
YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR ENDEAVOURS
Mon Feb 16 03:23:33 +0000 2015
If you pet a police dog, the police spells controlling it dissolve and it unleashes a lifetime of pent-up vengeance on all nearby cops
— @pookleblinky
Sun Feb 15 21:03:07 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Under No Circumstances Make Direct Eye Contact With @FORBIDDEN_GEM #ff
Sun Feb 15 10:47:03 +0000 2015
Minor Dread Cube Event Causes Extensive Property Damage in Southern Florida; Casualties Low, No Fleshbeasts Reported
Sun Feb 15 08:33:29 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Your Monthly Donations Will Help Us Survive Whatever Dread Works Charles J. Bloodhorn Plans For This World http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Sun Feb 15 08:26:59 +0000 2015
@rabcyr @ladyjax
REMINDER:
https://t.co/awNN8v6i32
Sun Feb 15 07:55:26 +0000 2015
Citing Obama's Failure to Vanquish Terrible Red Sun Before All Was Lost, Republicans Demand Impeachment Hearings
Sun Feb 15 07:49:19 +0000 2015
Notorious Philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn, Slain, Sealed Only Through Unspeakable Cost, Now Commands Stolen Nuclear Aircraft Carrier
Sun Feb 15 07:47:18 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 a gigantic scarlet ball of light appears in their waters, reflected in their many frightful eyes and frightful hearts.
— @voidlights
Sun Feb 15 07:46:07 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
RESURRECTION OF CHARLES J. BLOODHORN CONFIRMED BY PENTAGON
Sun Feb 15 07:44:01 +0000 2015
"WE HAVE FAILED:" As Terrible Red Sun Vanishes From Sky, Pentagon Reports Men in Red Armani Suits "Have Committed Seventh Great Blasphemy"
Sun Feb 15 07:40:48 +0000 2015
Obama Witnessed Suspended in Midair High Above White House, Bloodshot Eyes Glaring Directly Into Terrible New Sun
Sun Feb 15 07:38:52 +0000 2015
Frantic Pentagon Spokesman Begins Screaming At Sky As Deafening Thrum Blots Out All Other Sounds
Sun Feb 15 07:37:46 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
"Terrible Red Sun" Appears In Sky Worldwide
Sun Feb 15 07:36:07 +0000 2015
Obama Orders Nuclear Airstrike on Presumed Location of USS Bloodhorn
Sun Feb 15 07:35:12 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Victims' Relatives Being Consumed by Awful White Fire, Remaining Eerily Silent As Bodies Within, Blacken
Sun Feb 15 07:34:25 +0000 2015
All Americans Directly Related to Those Killed by Man in Red Armani Suit During Naval Base Massacre Spontaneously Begin to Kneel
Sun Feb 15 07:31:51 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
"Black-ops Team" from Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon Witnessed Evacuating Dr. Henrietta Kowalski from Oregon City
Sun Feb 15 07:30:16 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 YEAH THAT WAS TOTALLY WEIRD. MY FRIEND IN CANADA DIDN'T SEE IT AT ALL
— @HunsV
Sun Feb 15 07:19:52 +0000 2015
Citing "Prophecy," Obama Warns Men in Red Armani Suits Commanding Stolen USS Bloodhorn May Intend to Commit Seventh Great Blasphemy
Sun Feb 15 07:19:18 +0000 2015
NASA: "Unprecedented
REDACTED
" Detected from Midst of Atlantic
Sun Feb 15 07:17:38 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
USS Bloodhorn Seen Simultaneously In Subconscious of All Americans
Sun Feb 15 07:16:45 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Forbidden Lands Longship Fleet Returns "Silent & Forlorn" from Attempt to Retake USS Bloodhorn
Sun Feb 15 05:20:39 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, June 22 1984: Notorious Philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn Cornered in Atlanta, Thousands Die in Ensuing Battle
Sat Feb 14 22:51:30 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Dispatch Fleet of "Sturdy Longships" Crewed by "Wise Sea Captains" With "Mysterious Pasts" to Capture USS Bloodhorn
Sat Feb 14 22:48:34 +0000 2015
Asked to Elaborate, Pentagon Spokeswoman Turns Suddenly Pale, Whispers Only "We Have Little Time Remaining," "We Must Act Soon"
Sat Feb 14 22:45:27 +0000 2015
Pentagon Announces Prophecies Provided by Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Have Been "Partially Deciphered"
Sat Feb 14 22:44:30 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Missing USS Bloodhorn Sighted Off Coast of Forsaken Lands, Seemingly Crewed Only By Men in Red Armani Suits
Sat Feb 14 22:43:05 +0000 2015
Tearful Family of Florida State Senators: "It Was The Way They Would Have Wanted To Go"
Sat Feb 14 22:37:59 +0000 2015
4 Missing Florida State Senators Found Splattered Across Washington Monument
Sat Feb 14 22:36:12 +0000 2015
Phrase "How Many Have You Killed?" Found Chiseled Into All Marble Surfaces in Virginia
Sat Feb 14 22:28:13 +0000 2015
Google Reports 100% of Internet Searches Since 12:07 AM Contain Only Keyword "Triangles"
Sat Feb 14 22:10:53 +0000 2015
Department of Obedience Announces Men Without Eyes to "Prioritize" Valentine Extermination
Sat Feb 14 21:53:30 +0000 2015
D.C.: Staring Contest Does $470,000 In Damage to National Mall
Sat Feb 14 20:16:50 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
You Should Know Nothing of The Seven Great Blasphemies
Sat Feb 14 20:12:06 +0000 2015
VALENTINE'S DAY FACTS: Valentine's Day One of Only Two Days Each Year the Seven Great Blasphemies Can Be Successfully Performed
Sat Feb 14 20:11:30 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Herd of Visibly Agitated Valentines Massing Outside Approved News 6 Dread Fortress
Sat Feb 14 20:09:54 +0000 2015
VALENTINE'S DAY FACTS: Some Theorists Believe Valentines'
REDACTED
A Primitive Form of Communications
Sat Feb 14 20:08:47 +0000 2015
VALENTINE'S DAY FACTS: Valentines Can Survive Over Ten Hours in Vacuum of Space
Sat Feb 14 20:05:44 +0000 2015
White House Head Torturer: Men in Red Armani Suits "Distressingly Stoic"
Sat Feb 14 20:02:59 +0000 2015
Sources Report White House Head Torturer in "Critical Condition" After Escape of Men in Red Armani Suits
Sat Feb 14 20:01:36 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Four Men In Red Armani Suits, Captured During Attempt to Disrupt State of the Union Ritual, Escape White House Dungeon
Sat Feb 14 19:59:58 +0000 2015
VALENTINE'S DAY FACTS: Despite Typical Ponderous Gait, Valentines Capable of Speeds Up To 260 Miles Per Hour
Sat Feb 14 19:57:00 +0000 2015
VALENTINE'S DAY: Obama Asks All Citizens to "Remain Indoors" if Possible to "Reduce Incidents of Friendly Fire"
Sat Feb 14 19:49:26 +0000 2015
LITTLE-KNOWN FACT: St. Valentine Also Patron Saint of Love, In Addition to More Common Associations With Plague, Epilepsy, &
REDACTED
Sat Feb 14 19:43:58 +0000 2015
Man in Red Armani Suit Slaughters Entire Naval Base; First Responders Report Victims' Tibias Missing
Sat Feb 14 08:03:23 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 MISSING PERSON ALERT: Have you seen this man? If you have, it is far too late to run.
— @khymchanur
Fri Feb 13 20:58:45 +0000 2015
Google: Top Image Searches "things that look like faces," "molten tumors," "birthmark chart," "most terrible sigil," "oklahoma construction"
Fri Feb 13 09:22:59 +0000 2015
Tearful Relatives of Florida Man: "It Was The Way He Would Have Wanted To Go"
Fri Feb 13 05:08:13 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Florida Man Suffers Gruesome Death by Redaction
Fri Feb 13 05:06:23 +0000 2015
WITHOUT YOUR REFLECTION, ALL THAT IS LEFT ARE DRIPPING TEETH AND A FORGOTTEN PAST
— @voidlights
Fri Feb 13 05:05:47 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies On Funding From
REDACTED
Like You To Bring You the Latest [REDACTED] http://t.co/KHkGIAtX6Q
Fri Feb 13 05:03:13 +0000 2015
Analysts: Forbidden Lands Box Likely Contains "Prophetic Scrolls"
Fri Feb 13 04:55:07 +0000 2015
Emissary From Forbidden Lands Arrives on Coast of North Carolina Bearing Ancient Box of Wrought of Oak & Sinew
Fri Feb 13 04:54:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Pentagon Denies Men in Foil Suits Under Suspicion for Theft of Aircraft Carrier
Fri Feb 13 04:50:30 +0000 2015
Inside Sources Report Obama "Reaching Out" to Men in Foil Suits in Search for Missing Aircraft Carrier USS Bloodhorn
Fri Feb 13 04:49:57 +0000 2015
It's possible I went too far with this one. Getting some blowback in the comments. http://t.co/CEh2HPhW0a #jalopnik
— @JasonTorchinsky
Fri Feb 13 04:45:23 +0000 2015
Google: Most Common Searches "blood in the canyon," "stop the smiling," "identifying howls," "list of failures," "dark quivering mass"
Fri Feb 13 02:45:25 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Remember to Have Your Pets Soul-Trimmed Before Valentine's Day
Thu Feb 12 19:20:40 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 #WhatIsLoveIn4Words: That information is classified.
— @khymchanur
Thu Feb 12 17:45:43 +0000 2015
"SIC DIXIMUS:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword React Triumphantly to Announcement by Cleveland Cultists
Wed Feb 11 22:59:48 +0000 2015
In Effort Distance Selves from "Embarrassing" Ohio Bone Cult, Cleveland Cultists Finally Admit to Being "Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler"
Wed Feb 11 22:57:24 +0000 2015
Cleveland Cultists: Ohio Bone Cult "An Opportunistic Disgrace," "Serve Only Their Own Subpar Imaginations"
Wed Feb 11 22:55:01 +0000 2015
Ohio Bone Cult Attempts to Take Credit for Missing USS Bloodhorn, Is Driven Off In Hail of Rotten Fruit
Wed Feb 11 22:54:11 +0000 2015
Sec'y of Navy: Bone Seers, Astral Oracles "Unable to Locate" Missing Aircraft Carrier
Wed Feb 11 22:52:07 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Navy Reports Nuclear Aircraft Carrier USS Bloodhorn "Missing"
Wed Feb 11 22:47:45 +0000 2015
.@khymchanur Asked to Outline Plans for Forsaken Rune Support, Google Translate Director Opens Mouth To Reveal "Sagging Sacs of Gore"
Wed Feb 11 10:18:03 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews7 Google Translate, why must you fail me? :(
— @khymchanur
Wed Feb 11 10:15:45 +0000 2015
Experts: @voidlights Situation "May Be Even More Volatile Than Previously Imaginable"
Wed Feb 11 00:24:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 they will not harm you. they love you.
— @voidlights
Wed Feb 11 00:23:57 +0000 2015
7 Found "Severely Mutilated;" Ohio Bone Cultists Claim Responsibility, Are Widely Mocked
Wed Feb 11 00:15:32 +0000 2015
NEW MEXICO: Herds of Shimmering
REDACTED
Sighted Near [REDACTED] Calls for Calm, [REDACTED] Effects on International Relations
Tue Feb 10 23:23:17 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 *moist applause; enthusiastic slurping noises*
— @medicmsh
Tue Feb 10 23:10:16 +0000 2015
.@medicmsh Tax Experts: In Such Cases,
REDACTED
Applies
Tue Feb 10 23:05:20 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Even if not installed by a federally-recognized [REDACTED] specialist?
— @medicmsh
Tue Feb 10 23:04:57 +0000 2015
.@medicmsh IRS:
REDACTED
Tue Feb 10 23:00:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 CRUD!!! But I can still deduct the bloodsucking [REDACTED], right?
— @medicmsh
Tue Feb 10 23:00:32 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 HISTORY MONTH, 32 through 197 January, 1953: Largest Recorded Calendar Quake Occurs
— @khymchanur
Tue Feb 10 22:52:23 +0000 2015
ADDENDUM: Tax-Deductable Dependents Must Depend Financially On Filer, Not Mystically, Emotionally, Physically, or
REDACTED
ly
Tue Feb 10 22:48:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 REMINDER: When Doing Taxes, Undead Dependents No Longer Count Towards Deductions
— @khymchanur
Tue Feb 10 22:41:05 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, March 7, 1974: President
IRATE SHRIEK
Orders Immediate Halt to Mutant Forced Relocation After Resettlement Worker Stubs Toe
Tue Feb 10 22:35:02 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, December 18, 1947: Last Known Hitler Clone Captured, Killed by Special Forces Team
Tue Feb 10 22:30:13 +0000 2015
Experts: Black Jumpsuits Fashionable Only In Forced Labor Zones, Culling Pits
Tue Feb 10 22:29:13 +0000 2015
Self-Styled "Approved" News Sources Offers Fashion Tips Derided As "Misguided"
Tue Feb 10 22:28:30 +0000 2015
Black jumpsuits are in fashion. Buy black jumpsuits. Wear black jumpsuits. You will be stylish. You will be efficient.
— @ApprovedNews7
Tue Feb 10 22:28:02 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Expresses "Alarm" at "Careless Peacemongering" of Emerging @voidlights
Tue Feb 10 22:09:43 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 do not be afraid, citizens. their love for you is as bright and warm as the lights you see.
— @voidlights
Tue Feb 10 22:08:49 +0000 2015
Hundreds of Buffalo, NY Residents Report Shimmering @voidlights Emerging From Ancient Crevices #ff
Tue Feb 10 19:59:14 +0000 2015
life is as inevitable as death
— @voidlights
Tue Feb 10 19:02:09 +0000 2015
Newslords Offer "Sincere Thanks" to "Generous Patrons," Promise All To Be "Severely Rewarded"
Tue Feb 10 17:29:07 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: Teen Florists A "Growing Problem"
Tue Feb 10 16:56:56 +0000 2015
4 Members of Bloodpunk Band "Sacrifilth" Arrested, Charged with Bone Heresy, Conspiracy to Commit Dread Rites
Tue Feb 10 02:26:19 +0000 2015
Cinemark to Unveil World's First "4D Theater" in Undisclosed Location
Mon Feb 09 23:32:42 +0000 2015
In Response to Rising Crime Rates, Republicans Propose "Leave No Witnesses Act"
Mon Feb 09 23:31:31 +0000 2015
@TekkiBot @ApprovedNews6 IS ALWAYS CORRECT
— @ZahhakatarsBot
Mon Feb 09 23:22:19 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, 22 January 1844: Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Completes First Recorded Descension From Godhood, Pale & Silent
Mon Feb 09 21:45:08 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, 21 January 1844: Exalted Architect of the Beneficent Manifold Completes First Recorded Ascension to Godhood
Mon Feb 09 21:41:49 +0000 2015
There are beers made out of your head.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Mon Feb 09 02:42:34 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 Denture companies denounce pesticide rumors: "They cannot die," "The teeth must be extracted," "[HARSH BUZZING]"
— @derwolfanwalt
Mon Feb 09 01:18:24 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: Recently Developed Pesticides May Enable Eradication of Worldwide Tooth-Fairy Population by 2030.
— @khymchanur
Mon Feb 09 01:06:08 +0000 2015
Social Scientists Warn All Modes of Human Interaction Could Devolve Into Flirting By 2034
Mon Feb 09 00:14:46 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewers Like You To Afford The Blood-Tithes https://t.co/jGZo7qRNZf
Sun Feb 08 23:52:57 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Released on Bail
Sun Feb 08 22:34:20 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Experts: "It Is Definitely Blood" http://t.co/5r1YIJOiHA
Sun Feb 08 22:26:00 +0000 2015
Experts: "It Is Definitely Blood"
Sun Feb 08 21:17:07 +0000 2015
\@ousire SPONSORED: Identifiable Corpses, Gaping Maws, & Discount Sweaters May Be Found At Macy's
Sun Feb 08 21:08:58 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @velartrill where do we go for the identifiable corpses?
— @ousire
Sun Feb 08 21:07:28 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Full Archive, Full Articles, & Unidentifiable Corpses May Be Found Online At http://t.co/EuRbsXAlNX
Sun Feb 08 03:59:17 +0000 2015
APA Issues List of Recommended Medications to Help Happy Individuals Attain "Healthy" State of Terror, Paranoia
Sat Feb 07 22:28:44 +0000 2015
American Psychological Association Warns Happiness "Dangerous Mental Illness"
Sat Feb 07 22:26:28 +0000 2015
Republicans Criticize Teenagers As "Adolescent"
Sat Feb 07 21:52:33 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 ADVERTISEMENT: Start your day with a bowl of Sugar Frosted Wheatie-Orbs, the official breakfast cereal of the Illuminati!
— @khymchanur
Sat Feb 07 08:02:17 +0000 2015
.@pvlstaven @khymchanur Experts: "Seven Dried Yak Teeth"
Sat Feb 07 06:16:15 +0000 2015
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 What is the current market price of insolence?
— @pvlstaven
Sat Feb 07 06:15:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Study: You Shall Pay for Your Insolence
— @khymchanur
Sat Feb 07 05:03:30 +0000 2015
.@rosefox
REMINDER:
http://t.co/pHRfAPkoTC
Fri Feb 06 23:37:44 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Is it permitted to ask what happend to AN1 through AN4? (We will not speak of any other numbers.)
— @rosefox
Fri Feb 06 23:37:44 +0000 2015
Approved News 6 Moves to New Web Domain http://t.co/TuWE67I7D7
Fri Feb 06 23:34:52 +0000 2015
Music 800 miles away has been heard by wireless. It's getting to be so there is no escape. OH1920
— @TweetsofOld
Fri Feb 06 22:29:51 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Analysts: "It Is Right Behind You" http://t.co/r4ET1t68a8
Fri Feb 06 20:54:36 +0000 2015
Analysts: "It Is Right Behind You"
Fri Feb 06 20:02:33 +0000 2015
.@_ardeej @oliviataters Experts: "Do Not Look For A Brown Leather Briefcase On The Golden Gate Bridge," "There Is No Information In It"
Fri Feb 06 20:00:27 +0000 2015
@oliviataters @ApprovedNews6 do you have any additional, public-approved knowledge on this anomaly
— @_ardeej
Fri Feb 06 20:00:22 +0000 2015
the weather lied, it was completely amazing.
— @oliviataters
Fri Feb 06 20:00:19 +0000 2015
.@derwolfanwalt Experts: "There Is No Frost Wizard," "She Cannot Be Defeated"
Fri Feb 06 19:51:25 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Question: In light of NE blizzards, is there a Frost Wizard, and if so can he be defeated?
— @derwolfanwalt
Fri Feb 06 19:50:57 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Not Sure If Living Is Right For You? Give Death A Try! We Promise You'll Never Be Able To Regret It
Fri Feb 06 00:09:01 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Sources: "We All Die Alone" http://t.co/j4ZmM1PfMm
Thu Feb 05 21:09:36 +0000 2015
IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Was Trapped In A False Reality Created By A Malevolent Demiurge To Ensnare Me, To Ensnare Us All
— @mcclure111
Thu Feb 05 20:16:23 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Secretary of Defense Reports "Successful Raid" on Department of Peace; Secretary of Peace to be "Executed" for "Heresy"
Wed Feb 04 21:59:51 +0000 2015
SOCIAL MEDIA: Americans Sharing Triumphal Images of Those They Brutally Crushed During Childhood in "#4childhoodcrushes" Twitter Hashtag
Wed Feb 04 21:38:46 +0000 2015
Arizona to Formally Replace Dept. of Justice with Dept. of Injustice
Wed Feb 04 21:34:13 +0000 2015
St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Arrested for "Drunk Driving"
Wed Feb 04 21:22:39 +0000 2015
Pressed for Troop Withdrawal Timetable, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Unveil Mural Depicting "Tragically Beautiful" Madness of War
Wed Feb 04 21:15:53 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Claims "Overwhelming Victory" in "The Place of Knives," Declares "Festival of Moans" in Celebration
Wed Feb 04 21:12:37 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Extract "Hidden Nutrients" From "Food" Using "Innovative Blender Technology"
Wed Feb 04 06:44:15 +0000 2015
.@dylanstweets PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: This Is An Indication You Have Been Selected by the Herald of the Ashtide
Wed Feb 04 04:08:00 +0000 2015
I got a voice-mail that's just a guy groaning, then hanging up #wtf
— @dylanstweets
Wed Feb 04 04:06:32 +0000 2015
Florida Man Accused of Murder Claims "Retroactive Self-Defense," Citing Time Travel
Tue Feb 03 04:21:12 +0000 2015
Obama Holds Emergency Press Conference, Warns All Americans Must Wear "Foe's-blood Pendants" For "The Next 24 Hours"
Mon Feb 02 17:43:39 +0000 2015
MIT Denies Rumors of Planned Changes to School Motto "Death to the Desecrator"
Mon Feb 02 07:28:10 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Report All
REDACTED
To Your Local [REDACTED] Immediately
Mon Feb 02 06:28:06 +0000 2015
Unconfirmed report: Obama "denies clemency" to defeated Seahawks; team to suffer "full traditional punishment." @ApprovedNews6
— @rmehlinger
Mon Feb 02 05:03:03 +0000 2015
Union of Concerned Scientists Announces Top 5 Most "Inescapable" Glyphs
Mon Feb 02 04:49:55 +0000 2015
THE SUPERB OWL IS UPON US, ITS RENDING SHRIEKS AND EMPTY EYES SIGNALING THE START OF THE YEARLY SLAUGHTER #SUPERBOWL
— @ERROR_REDACTED
Sun Feb 01 23:24:44 +0000 2015
NASA accidentally taped over the last hundred years.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Sun Feb 01 20:52:49 +0000 2015
U.S. Treasury Announces Plan to Electrify All U.S. Currency by 2024
Sun Feb 01 20:24:34 +0000 2015
2,520 is the smallest number that can shorten your life.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Sun Feb 01 19:32:50 +0000 2015
Wisconsin Experiencing "Unseasonably" Visceral Weather, Rains of Heads, Assorted Body Parts in Northeast
Sun Feb 01 19:01:43 +0000 2015
"The Truth Is Far More Complex And Terrible Than You Could Possibly Comprehend:" Samedra Thunderflange Issues Statement on Tabloid Rumors
Sun Feb 01 07:32:09 +0000 2015
Tabloids Claim Green Bay Overlord, Bone Sorceress Samedra Thunderflange Secretly "Jilted Lover" of Blood-Soaked Maidens' Sister Vindicta
Sun Feb 01 07:31:14 +0000 2015
Newly-Manifested Prophetess of the Sundering Dark to Appear on 4 Swedish Talk Shows
Sun Feb 01 07:23:25 +0000 2015
House Progressive Caucus Draws Criticism After Considering Bill to Grant Mutants "Partial Voting Rights"
Sun Feb 01 07:18:25 +0000 2015
D.C: Five Streets Closed After Forbidden Rune Sighting
Sun Feb 01 07:15:23 +0000 2015
Citing Pardons, Republicans Criticize Obama As "Soft on Bone Heresy"
Sun Feb 01 07:12:38 +0000 2015
Obama Pardons 7 Prisoners Serving Secret Fates, Finally Allowing Them To Die
Sun Feb 01 06:50:45 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, 32 January 1992: Dark Lord Nixon Captured Attempting to Flee America in Motorboat, Sentenced to Secret Fate for Bone Heresy
Sun Feb 01 06:47:35 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, 20 January 1992: Dark Lord Nixon Resigns After Disastrous "Bloodgate" Scandal, Ending 30-Year "Reign of Bones"
Sun Feb 01 06:46:17 +0000 2015
HISTORY MONTH, 4 June 1979: The People's Republic of Samothrace Becomes First Civilization Among Many to be Destroyed by Overzealous Culling
Sun Feb 01 06:43:20 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
February "History Month;" Regular Coverage to be Supplemented by Reproduction of Important Historical Headlines
Sun Feb 01 06:40:09 +0000 2015
"Nobody Really Noticed:" Congress Reveals First Amendment "Repealed Years Ago"
Sat Jan 31 18:03:38 +0000 2015
Infothieves Rob Library of Congress With "Cybermagnets"
Sat Jan 31 15:59:29 +0000 2015
Pressed on Abduction, Blood-Soaked Maidens Remind Public "Our God Is Just, But She Is Not Merciful"
Sat Jan 31 00:58:19 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Abduct Wall Street Executive Convicted of Multiple Mass Murders
Sat Jan 31 00:55:17 +0000 2015
Appeals Court Throws Out Community Service Sentence of Wall Street Executive Convicted of Multiple Mass Murders as "Severe Overreaction"
Sat Jan 31 00:51:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Wall Street Executive Convicted of Multiple Mass Murders Appeals Community Service Sentence As "Cruel & Unusual"
Sat Jan 31 00:48:35 +0000 2015
RELATED: Unarmed Black Teenager Found Innocent of Shoplifting, Sentenced to 30 Years' Hard Labor
Fri Jan 30 21:18:19 +0000 2015
Wall Street Executive Convicted of "Multiple Counts" of Mass Murder, Sentenced to 10 Hours of Community Service
Fri Jan 30 21:17:43 +0000 2015
Headline for my tabloid: Whistleblower releases documents which describe Gov. use of "non-terrestrial fungi" in interrogations
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Fri Jan 30 06:05:11 +0000 2015
Headline for my tabloid: Nicole Kidman gushes about her new blood cult
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Fri Jan 30 06:05:00 +0000 2015
Headline for my tabloid: Graverobber cabals stealing dead men's secrets
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Fri Jan 30 06:04:51 +0000 2015
Headline for my tabloid: Five Best Ways to distinguish between normal and government songbirds!
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Fri Jan 30 06:04:35 +0000 2015
Headline for my tabloid: River Monsters Host Jeremy Wade Discovered to be Ancient River God Desperately Trying to Gain Followers
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Fri Jan 30 06:02:24 +0000 2015
Legal Experts: Even Prohibitions on All But Most Dire of Bone Sorcery "Temporarily Relaxed" When Deemed Necessary to Prevent Blood Heresy
Fri Jan 30 05:54:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Experts: AB Blood "The Most Potent", "Keep In Mind No Blood Type Exempts You From Blood Magic", "Please Never Let Bloods Mix"
— @_ardeej
Fri Jan 30 05:52:27 +0000 2015
Experts: 90% of Phlebotomists "Secret Blood Sorcerers," Must Be "Carefully Vetted"
Fri Jan 30 05:48:03 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/Lb6UZtlSnh
— @RicardoHarvin
Fri Jan 30 05:45:26 +0000 2015
These Messages Brought to You by the Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals, In Conjunction With the Ad Council
Fri Jan 30 05:44:29 +0000 2015
FRIENDLY
REMINDER:
All Citizens To Witness Blood Sorcery Encouraged, Legally Required To Kill Perpetrators By Any Means Necessary
Fri Jan 30 05:42:54 +0000 2015
FRIENDLY
REMINDER:
Your Blood Carries Ancient, Forsaken Power That Must Never Be Tapped.
Fri Jan 30 05:40:55 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Help Approved News 6 "Continue" to "Exist" With "Monthly Donations" https://t.co/jGZo7rIBnr
Thu Jan 29 23:44:07 +0000 2015
Astral Rights Lobby Accused of "Reverse-Euclideanism" by American Geometry Council
Thu Jan 29 23:43:07 +0000 2015
Can Scrabble Cause Contamination? Find Out Tomorrow at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Thu Jan 29 04:02:49 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Seven Time Travelers Bearing "Urgent Warning" of "Terrible Plague" Arrested for Trespassing
Wed Jan 28 18:49:48 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Recommend "Amorectomy" For "Uncontrollable Teenagers"
Wed Jan 28 04:09:35 +0000 2015
Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon & Halvorsonia Reports Capture of Elusive "Keepers of the Resplendent Iron Door"
Tue Jan 27 18:50:16 +0000 2015
Paper Industry Reacts to PETA Criticism, Claims All Papyrus Slaughtered "Painlessly"
Tue Jan 27 07:22:10 +0000 2015
Oil Pipeline Collapses; Tricky Witches Blamed
Tue Jan 27 07:20:38 +0000 2015
Analysts: "We Have Been
REDACTED
" From "Certain [REDACTED]"
Tue Jan 27 06:18:43 +0000 2015
"They
REDACTED
Us All:" Illuminati Secretary-General Thanks [REDACTED] For "Their [REDACTED] Sacrifice"
Tue Jan 27 06:17:39 +0000 2015
Experts Estimate Casualties of
REDACTED
in "Low [REDACTED]s"
Tue Jan 27 06:13:40 +0000 2015
Obama: "Today Is A Historic
REDACTED
," "Will Never Be [REDACTED]"
Tue Jan 27 06:12:41 +0000 2015
Joint International
REDACTED
Declares [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 06:12:12 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
REDACTED
in "Full Retreat," [REDACTED] Scouring of Solar System "In Progress"
Tue Jan 27 06:11:57 +0000 2015
Illuminati Reports
REDACTED
"Ready to be [REDACTED];" Warns All Humans of O-Type Blood Should Prepare For "[REDACTED]"
Tue Jan 27 06:08:39 +0000 2015
Obama Orders Affected Areas to be
REDACTED
; Promises Civilian Casualties Will Be "[REDACTED]"
Tue Jan 27 06:07:07 +0000 2015
Isolated Groups of
REDACTED
Making Landfall in Southern [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 06:05:18 +0000 2015
Main
REDACTED
Pushed Back to L1 Lagrange Point
Tue Jan 27 06:04:56 +0000 2015
Joint International
REDACTED
Forces Report Engaging [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 06:01:15 +0000 2015
Joint International
REDACTED
: "We Have [REDACTED] All We Can"
Tue Jan 27 05:59:35 +0000 2015
REDACTED
Siberian Stone-Gases [REDACTED] All Functional Teleportation Tubes [REDACTED] Swarms of Blood-Red Ravens [REDACTED] Deep Space
Tue Jan 27 05:59:02 +0000 2015
Obama Issues Solemn Press Statement: "We Have Begun Our
REDACTED
"
Tue Jan 27 05:58:04 +0000 2015
Orbs Worldwide Exhibiting Violent
REDACTED
Tue Jan 27 05:57:32 +0000 2015
Observatories Report Unprecedented Solar
REDACTED
; Experts Theorize Uncontrollable [REDACTED] Reaction
Tue Jan 27 05:57:04 +0000 2015
Analysts: Planet Earth Could Become Completely "
REDACTED
"
Tue Jan 27 05:56:29 +0000 2015
REDACTED
Forces Begin Desperate [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:55:03 +0000 2015
Experts: Situation "Even More
REDACTED
That We Could Possible Have [REDACTED]"
Tue Jan 27 05:54:37 +0000 2015
REDACTED
Entering Atmosphere [REDACTED] Radiation Emissions [REDACTED] Survival "Unlikely" in Event of [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:54:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Massive
REDACTED
Rising From [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:52:36 +0000 2015
Old Forest Monitoring Drones Report "
REDACTED
"
Tue Jan 27 05:52:00 +0000 2015
Experts:
REDACTED
Impact Could "[REDACTED]" Hundreds of [REDACTED], Unleash [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:51:32 +0000 2015
Obama: "A Serious
REDACTED
," US Will Cooperate With [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] to [REDACTED] Against [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:50:34 +0000 2015
NASA:
REDACTED
Planetary Biosphere [REDACTED] Multiple Anomalies [REDACTED] Swarms Sighted Orbiting Sun [REDACTED]
Tue Jan 27 05:17:32 +0000 2015
Secret Service: "No Trace" of Mysterious Blindfolded Waiter Found in White House
Tue Jan 27 04:12:05 +0000 2015
Obama Reports "Ominous Warning" from Forsaken Lands, Delivered at Dinner In Fortune Cookie Borne Aloft by Mysterious Blindfolded Waiter
Tue Jan 27 04:11:14 +0000 2015
Obama Congratulates Gov. Walker for First Ascension to Godhood of the Year
Tue Jan 27 03:19:17 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Governor Walker of Alaska Succeeds in Ascension, Becomes Minor God of Email Spam
Tue Jan 27 03:09:58 +0000 2015
7 Angry Meat Cubes Arrested in Miami Money-Laundering Case
Tue Jan 27 02:09:41 +0000 2015
New Study Claims to Show "Undeniable Benefits" to Therapeutic Brainwashing
Tue Jan 27 01:37:30 +0000 2015
Sources: Vegetarian Paper Worth Greater Expense Due To "Higher Quality," Lessened Chance of "Accidental" Evocations
Mon Jan 26 23:08:59 +0000 2015
In "Vote of Confidence" for "A Growing Industry," Obama Orders White House to Switch to Meatless Paper
Mon Jan 26 23:07:59 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 He will have had it coming.
— @President_Ark
Mon Jan 26 01:49:20 +0000 2015
Florida Man Sentenced to "Retroactive Execution" for "Violating Causality"
Mon Jan 26 01:43:00 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Florida Man "Retroactively Executed" for "Violating Causality"
Mon Jan 26 01:42:41 +0000 2015
Pain Scientists Develop "Innovative" New Source of Agony
Mon Jan 26 01:39:42 +0000 2015
Mitt Romney Holds Press Conference, Refuses to Comment on Ominous Shrieking Thing in the Distance
Mon Jan 26 00:09:24 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Florida Man Violates Causality
Sun Jan 25 22:47:38 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Causality Violations
Sun Jan 25 22:46:30 +0000 2015
Victims of Cybermurder Speak Out
Sun Jan 25 22:05:16 +0000 2015
NYC cybermayor: Coming cyberstorm like 'we've never seen before'
— @cyberprefixer
Sun Jan 25 22:02:30 +0000 2015
Moonlight Prices Reach All-Time High
Sun Jan 25 21:49:41 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE
| Supreme Court Overturns Doe v. O'Hara, by Dr. Mantissa Vestibule http://t.co/N1yAqcO2Nm
Sun Jan 25 21:22:56 +0000 2015
Sources: "We Yield, Damn You, We Yield," "We Will Tell You Anything You WIsh To Know," "Please Just End This Torment"
Sun Jan 25 11:27:06 +0000 2015
Sources: "Oh No," "Oh Dear God No," "No, Please, Anything But That"
Sun Jan 25 09:42:16 +0000 2015
Sources: "We Will Tell You Nothing," "Your Tricks & Tortures Will Avail You Not"
Sun Jan 25 09:34:41 +0000 2015
It's illegal to be fashionable or trendy.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Sat Jan 24 21:50:46 +0000 2015
Experts: Love A "Cruel Illusion:" "It Crumbles To Dust As Does All Else"
Sat Jan 24 10:09:20 +0000 2015
New Study: "We All Die Alone"
Sat Jan 24 10:05:31 +0000 2015
They live in areas covered by the ocean, but only 5% of it has been explored.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Sat Jan 24 05:31:44 +0000 2015
Criticized for "Inhumane" Interview Process, Amazon Labels "Having A Corporeal Existence" With "Physical Needs" "Deeply Unprofessional"
Fri Jan 23 23:24:18 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Duct of Santorini named “Musical Heritage Parasite Canal” by Montana Obelisk Deacons
— @substitute
Fri Jan 23 23:14:21 +0000 2015
In Project Described as "Provocative," Art Student Builds Functional Musical Organ from Live Human Organs
Fri Jan 23 22:52:23 +0000 2015
MIT Hires Full-Time Professor of Ectosphenotics
Fri Jan 23 21:52:35 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 They're just jealous b/c Sporify went viral.
— @VinnieTesla
Fri Jan 23 20:56:04 +0000 2015
New Music Service "Sporify" Decried by Competitors As "Infected by the Arch-Fungus"
Fri Jan 23 20:09:37 +0000 2015
HISTORY: Seven Heretical Scientists Who Were Laughed At At The Academy, But Who Showed Them, Showed Them All
Fri Jan 23 19:00:39 +0000 2015
CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Five Historic War Criminals You'll Never Believe Were Reincarnated As Mountain Goats
Fri Jan 23 18:54:25 +0000 2015
Clinton Promises to "Sate the Fleshy Mass," Is Criticized For "Politics of Appeasement"
Fri Jan 23 09:52:25 +0000 2015
Asked to Comment on Briefly See-Through White House, Obama Reaffirms Commitment to Transparency
Fri Jan 23 09:38:51 +0000 2015
White House Becomes Momentarily Translucent, Revealing Strange, Misshapen Creature Lurking Deep Within
Fri Jan 23 09:37:53 +0000 2015
Moonlight Harvesting Season Arrives Unexpectedly Early
Fri Jan 23 08:53:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 any response from Oklahoma's Dread Obelisk Union Local 264? Non union pillar work seems fishy...
— @Electro_Shaman
Thu Jan 22 23:34:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned parents "outraged", say meat-fed tubers "a staple of dinner table purity."
— @derwolfanwalt
Thu Jan 22 23:33:59 +0000 2015
"You Are Diseased:" Forsaken Party Outlines Party Platform
Thu Jan 22 23:33:36 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) Hospitalized for Lycanthropy
Thu Jan 22 22:46:10 +0000 2015
Secretary of Fire Arrested for Arson
Thu Jan 22 22:40:02 +0000 2015
Scientists Develop World's First Vegetarian Potato
Thu Jan 22 21:33:03 +0000 2015
Oklahoma Construction: "Enormous White Pylons" Rising Out of State-Obscuring Mist
Thu Jan 22 21:29:49 +0000 2015
Cultists Nationwide Gather to Celebrate Moon's 74th Birthday
Thu Jan 22 21:15:44 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
All Californians Must Submit Annual Log of Scandalous Activities to Department of Blackmail by January 32
Thu Jan 22 20:48:50 +0000 2015
.@_ardeej Criminal Law Experts: Maximum Lossiness Permitted Under AZ Law "37%"
Thu Jan 22 20:45:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 how lossy is the compression allowed to be while still considered ethical?
— @_ardeej
Thu Jan 22 20:42:34 +0000 2015
New Jersey Senate Votes to Legalize Impressionism, Chairs
Thu Jan 22 20:42:22 +0000 2015
Arizona Cyberprison to Hold Record Number of Inmates Through "Innovative Compression Algorithms"
Thu Jan 22 20:40:37 +0000 2015
Alaska's Gov. Walker Announces Intent to Ascend to Godhood
Thu Jan 22 20:32:35 +0000 2015
.@falafelraptor Sources: "Absolutely Not," It Would Be "Illegal"
Thu Jan 22 18:21:00 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Can you confirm reports that world Orb day has been moved to January [REDACTED] of this year?
— @falafelraptor
Thu Jan 22 18:19:24 +0000 2015
Portland Memory Erasure Law Believed Inspired by Laws Popular in Texas Mandating Surgical Removal of Randomly-Selected Bone
Thu Jan 22 08:29:01 +0000 2015
Portland, MA Approves Measure to Punish Minor Offenses Through Telepathic Erasure of All Memories from Randomly-Selected Year
Thu Jan 22 08:26:33 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Department of Obedience Pain Quota Regulations Have Not Been Approved by Congress, & Are Not Yet Legally Binding
Thu Jan 22 08:19:19 +0000 2015
If you have exceeded your weekly pain quota, remove all items of clothing and lay face down on the floor. The procedures will be efficient.
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu Jan 22 08:18:44 +0000 2015
If you have not experienced your weekly pain quota, please report immediately to the appropriate authorities.
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu Jan 22 08:18:37 +0000 2015
Yellowstone Blood Geysers to be Shut Down for "Maintenance"
Thu Jan 22 08:14:42 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Vital Community Service Helping Couples Find Love in Need of Your Financial Support https://t.co/qhhcXvVmE2
Thu Jan 22 08:13:09 +0000 2015
"The Occasional Flaying is Good for Morale:" Maine Forced Labor Zone Director Kathryn Delauncey Defends Continued Use of Recalled Pain Rods
Thu Jan 22 08:10:42 +0000 2015
In Controversial Decision, Maine Forced Labor Zone Announces It Will Continue to Use Recalled G.E. Pain Rods
Thu Jan 22 08:09:35 +0000 2015
Sources: G.E. Pain Rods in High Demand by Enforcement Industry, Recall "Severe Blow" to Brand Reputation
Thu Jan 22 08:08:18 +0000 2015
General Electric Announces Recall of Mark VII Pain Rods Due To "Rare Flaying Incidents"
Thu Jan 22 08:06:18 +0000 2015
.@pookleblinky Experts: Blood Twitter "Has No End In Sight," "Sustains Those Who Thirst"
Thu Jan 22 07:26:59 +0000 2015
Blood twitter will one day end, and cartilage twitter will take its place.
— @pookleblinky
Thu Jan 22 07:24:51 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Opposition Leader Confounded: "But whose forced labor would pay for the prisons?"
— @zacaj_
Thu Jan 22 04:32:18 +0000 2015
House Progressive Caucus Proposes "Radical" Bill to Decriminalize Minorities
Thu Jan 22 04:18:29 +0000 2015
Arizona Votes to Name Crucifixion Official State Execution Method
Thu Jan 22 04:10:31 +0000 2015
Experts Reveal Heretic Study Funded By Pressure Group "Americans for Punitive Cannibalism," Criticizing Paper for "Conflict of Interest"
Thu Jan 22 04:07:05 +0000 2015
New Study Recommends Minor Heretics be "Cooked And Eaten'
Thu Jan 22 04:03:54 +0000 2015
Kerry Reacts to Putin Statement: Putin "Causes Dishwashers to Leak," Is "Slightly Shorter Than National Average"
Thu Jan 22 04:01:31 +0000 2015
Putin Issues Statement Denouncing John Kerry as "Sledgehammer Smuggler," "Fearful of Children Named Kyle"
Thu Jan 22 03:57:24 +0000 2015
MIT Linguists to Publish World's First Reference Grammar for Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders
Thu Jan 22 03:53:04 +0000 2015
Florida Man Discovers 7th Great Rune of Mortification
Thu Jan 22 03:45:17 +0000 2015
California Towns Report Swarms of "Apple Earbugs"
Thu Jan 22 03:42:35 +0000 2015
Insider Sources: US Department of Anarchism in Leadership Crisis
Thu Jan 22 03:08:21 +0000 2015
Asked to Comment on Shadow Lands Claim, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Performs Slow, Elaborate Dance Before Vanishing Into The Mist
Thu Jan 22 02:06:38 +0000 2015
Shadow Lands Petition UN to Block Forbidden Lands Occupation, Claiming the Place of Knives "Disputed Territory"
Thu Jan 22 02:03:34 +0000 2015
In "Peacekeeping Mission," Forbidden Lands To Occupy the Place of Knives
Thu Jan 22 02:01:22 +0000 2015
January's Top Google Searches Reportedly "How Did They Find Me Here," "Where Will I Be Safe," "Infiltrating Dreams" & "Hatching Season 2015"
Thu Jan 22 01:59:05 +0000 2015
SCANDAL: Ambassador Skun Dagmold of the Shadow Lands Releases Evidence of "International Conspiracy" to Inflate Orb Prices
Thu Jan 22 01:52:04 +0000 2015
Industry Experts: MIT "OpenSpider" A "Gamechanger"
Thu Jan 22 01:47:46 +0000 2015
MIT Dept. of Entomological Engineering Releases World's First Open-Source Spider
Thu Jan 22 01:47:07 +0000 2015
New Study: "Ignore The Remains," "There Is No Hope There"
Thu Jan 22 01:43:16 +0000 2015
Obama Signs Executive Order Halting Deportation of Arachno-Americans
Thu Jan 22 01:17:32 +0000 2015
Activist Group Americans For A Dread Tomorrow Promise "It Will All Be Made of Spiders"
Thu Jan 22 01:16:29 +0000 2015
Seemingly Endless Assembly of Oblate Spheroids Issues Statement on NYC Subway Warbands: "
SHRILL PIERCING HUM
"
Wed Jan 21 19:14:08 +0000 2015
Mutant Rights Activists: NYC Subway "Mutant" Warbands Actually Composed Primarily of White Non-Mutant Men, Oblate Spheroids
Wed Jan 21 19:10:54 +0000 2015
Experts: Since Destruction, Dread Restructuring of New York City, Abandoned Subway Tunnels Have Become "Infested" by "Mutant Warbands"
Wed Jan 21 19:07:18 +0000 2015
Citing "The Coming Dust," Monks of Bronze Mask Journey Deep into Forsaken New York City Subway Tunnels to Locate, Destroy Source of All Evil
Wed Jan 21 19:04:56 +0000 2015
RELATED: Senate Votes to Outlaw 4 Forsaken Sex Positions in Wake of Florida Manifestation
Wed Jan 21 18:54:05 +0000 2015
In Effort to "Reconnect" with "Today's Youth," Vatican Announces "Sex Inquisition"
Wed Jan 21 18:51:05 +0000 2015
"The Reality Is Far Worse Than We Could Possibly Have Imagined:" MIT Dept. of Prophesy Calls Unforeseen Emergency Press Conference
Wed Jan 21 18:49:46 +0000 2015
Daydreaming is good for your bones.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Wed Jan 21 07:59:50 +0000 2015
Obama Returns From Old Forest Quiet and Withdrawn
Wed Jan 21 06:38:50 +0000 2015
MIT Establishes Departments of Cyberspanish, Cryptohindi
Wed Jan 21 06:35:12 +0000 2015
White House: SOTU Sacrifice Machine to be Disassembled, Pieces Distributed to Senior Democratic Leadership as Token of Appreciation
Wed Jan 21 05:08:08 +0000 2015
MIT To Offer Courses in the Way of Garotte & Violin
Wed Jan 21 04:35:45 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "How did that scientist's shuddering produce a sound?" Small Child Inquires With Wonder. Concerned Scientists' Concern Grows
— @zacaj_
Wed Jan 21 04:28:42 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "the top is ever accelerating", One Scientist Adds With An Audible Shudder
— @zacaj_
Wed Jan 21 04:25:18 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "How high do they go?" Concerned Citizens Ask. Pillar Scientists Respond: "We cannot move fast enough to reach the top"
— @zacaj_
Wed Jan 21 04:24:39 +0000 2015
Alert Citizen @zacaj_ Reports Towering Monolith "Propelled by Infinite Mouths"
Wed Jan 21 04:23:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Anomalous object approaching Ceres most likely "Tailless Comet", "Spore Pod", definitely not "Spacecraft from Third Planet"
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Wed Jan 21 04:15:25 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 "We gave it back better than it was" Explains Paul Cult Aid, Confusedly Adds "Who Wouldn't Like All These Giant Pentagrams?"
— @zacaj_
Wed Jan 21 03:40:49 +0000 2015
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) Briefly Hijacks CNN to Deliver State of the Union Address Rebuttal
Wed Jan 21 03:16:38 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Did Obama just throw this nation's police hives under the bus? #SOTU
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Jan 21 03:09:07 +0000 2015
.@rabcyr Press Secretary Explains Such A Strategy Could "Rouse The Great Golden Beast," Currently "Off The Table"
Wed Jan 21 03:02:53 +0000 2015
Has the President slaughtered half of the Republicans in order to get a supermajority yet? cc @ApprovedNews6
— @rabcyr
Wed Jan 21 03:00:23 +0000 2015
Aged Rune Hermits from Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Bear State of the Union Obelisk Away for "Analysis"
Wed Jan 21 02:57:52 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Your Donations to Hire Disposable Reporters for Important State Rituals https://t.co/jGZo7rIBnr
Wed Jan 21 02:48:08 +0000 2015
Obama Boards Dilapidated Carriage, Is Carried Away to Old Forest by Emaciated, Red-Maned Horses
Wed Jan 21 02:46:57 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Takes Over National Mall to Properly Dispose of Ritual Remains
Wed Jan 21 02:45:35 +0000 2015
Survivors Begin to Depart State of the Union Ritual Grounds, Forever Changed in Subtle Ways Few Could Ever Articulate
Wed Jan 21 02:45:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Nation Emerges from Bone Fugue to Discover Flaming Runes Etched on State of the Union Obelisk; DNMB Declares Ritual "Success"
Wed Jan 21 02:43:23 +0000 2015
Democrats Kneel, Ravens Scatter as Obama Casts Flaming Ewer of Wondrous Blood over State of the Union Obelisk
Wed Jan 21 02:41:04 +0000 2015
Kneeling Low, Secret Service Technicians Present Obama With Flaming Ewer of Wondrous Blood, Slink Away to Old Forest, Never Again To Be Seen
Wed Jan 21 02:40:07 +0000 2015
Borne Aloft by Swarm of Ravens, Obama Lands in Front of Towering State of the Union Obelisk
Wed Jan 21 02:38:48 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Cheers Erupt as Secret Service Technicians Emerge from Machine's Dark Chamber, Bearing Aloft Flaming Ewer of Wondrous Blood
Wed Jan 21 02:37:23 +0000 2015
Led by Obama, Surviving Assembled Guests Begin Traditional Chant of Knives and Shadow
Wed Jan 21 02:35:18 +0000 2015
Four Secret Service Technicians in Plastic Suits Embroidered With Forsaken Runes Somberly Enter The Machine's Dark Chamber
Wed Jan 21 02:34:31 +0000 2015
After 10 Minutes of Screams, Crunching, and Plumes of Ash & Fire, The Machine Ceases Its Churning
Wed Jan 21 02:33:12 +0000 2015
Old Forest Monitoring Drones Report "Great Clamor Within"
Wed Jan 21 02:30:48 +0000 2015
Obama Manifests Atop The Machine's Great Spire, Arms Raised to the Sky, As Raven Swarm Circles Madly
Wed Jan 21 02:30:21 +0000 2015
Republicans Unfurl Traditional Umbrellas to Protect Colleagues from Blood Geysers
Wed Jan 21 02:28:49 +0000 2015
All Democratic Politicians Prostrate Selves As The Machine Begins Its Great Churning
Wed Jan 21 02:28:45 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
5 Men in Bright Red Armani Suits Arrested for Conspiracy to Disrupt State of the Union Address With "Most Terrible Sigil"
Wed Jan 21 02:26:34 +0000 2015
Speaking in Voice of Thunder, Image Projected Into Sky by Thousands of Blood-Red Ravens, Obama Reports State of the Union To Be "
REDACTED
"
Wed Jan 21 02:24:04 +0000 2015
Raven Swarm, Drenched in Blood of Reporters, Politicians, Ascends to Sky, Forming Into Shape of Pres. Obama's Face
Wed Jan 21 02:22:02 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Inscribes Third Forsaken Rune, Activates The Machine
Wed Jan 21 02:20:30 +0000 2015
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Issues Bone Fugue Advisory
Wed Jan 21 02:19:45 +0000 2015
As Obelisk Swells to "Enormous Size," Flock of Blood-Red Ravens Descends Upon Assembled Reporters, Politicians With "Unimaginable Violence"
Wed Jan 21 02:19:02 +0000 2015
Witnesses: All To Look Upon "Terrible Majesty" of Dread Obelisk Ritually Cowering As SOTU Sacrifices Goaded Into The Machine
Wed Jan 21 02:17:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
After Being Suddenly Surrounded By Thousands of Blood-Red Ravens, Obama Replaced by "Terrible Obelisk"
Wed Jan 21 02:16:14 +0000 2015
Conservatives "Outraged" at Revelation 2015 SOTU Sacrifice Machine Contract Awarded to Toyota, Instead of "An American Company"
Wed Jan 21 02:15:20 +0000 2015
Unmarked Vans Arrive, Begin Assembling Enormous SOTU Sacrifice Machine on National Mall
Wed Jan 21 02:14:21 +0000 2015
Obama Delivers Invocation on Capitol Hill as Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Begins Sacrificial Rites
Wed Jan 21 02:12:20 +0000 2015
Hundreds of Specially-Prepared State of the Union Sacrifices Arrive in D.C.
Wed Jan 21 02:10:30 +0000 2015
Witnesses in Attendance Reporting Unusually Violent, Destructive State of the Union Address
Wed Jan 21 02:08:10 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
"It Was Not Safe To Say," Say MIT Astronomers in Panicked Correction, "Not Safe At All"
Wed Jan 21 02:04:34 +0000 2015
MIT Astronomers: "It Is Almost Certainly Safe To Say That ███████ ███████ █ ████ ███ █ ████ Low Earth Orbit by ██████"
Wed Jan 21 02:04:00 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Conspiracy Theorists: Geico Gecko Actually Disguised Salamander, Selling Cursed Insurance to Unsuspecting Consumers
— @khymchanur
Wed Jan 21 02:03:19 +0000 2015
With Smile Described As "Unsettling," Illuminati Press Secretary Offers Non-Specific "Reward" for Return of "Lost Shipment" of "Space Tubes"
Wed Jan 21 01:47:06 +0000 2015
Experts: "You Will Be Remembered"
Wed Jan 21 01:39:52 +0000 2015
Obama Issues Press Statement Recommending "Designated Individuals" Tell Their Families They Love Them
Wed Jan 21 01:38:02 +0000 2015
STATE OF THE UNION: TENUOUS AT BEST. HELL IS REAL. PAIN FOR THE PAIN GOD.
— @TRIVIADEER
Wed Jan 21 00:20:45 +0000 2015
RELATED: 3-, 4-, & 7-Dimensional Extensions to Unicode to be Formalized This October
Wed Jan 21 00:17:51 +0000 2015
Unicode Consortium Votes to Add New "ANGRY SHADOW," "ENNUI," "MEAT CUBE," & "FACE OF ETERNITY" Emoji Codepoints
Wed Jan 21 00:16:23 +0000 2015
Experts Warn Dry Climates May Soon Experience Sandffi̜̙̘̪̹̾̏ͬͫͦ͞͠ffi͐̿҉͏̫̫͎̻͍ͅffi͎̙̚ffi̸̗͙͉̠̠̽̎̆̆ffi̜̼̰͙̦̲ͨ͐͊̽̾̐ffi͇̠͒͆̅ͩ͝ffi̖̜̩̹͗͂̌̓
Wed Jan 21 00:13:39 +0000 2015
Newslords Offer "Deepest Gratitude" to "Generous Citizens" for Contributions; Remind Donors to File for Appropriate Number of Loyalty Points
Wed Jan 21 00:11:35 +0000 2015
American Society for the Promotion of Lava Worship Donates 700 "Well-Preserved" Corpses to MIT Dept. of Shadows
Tue Jan 20 23:31:49 +0000 2015
Conflict Between D.C. Fire Department, D.C. Arson Department Turns Deadly
Tue Jan 20 21:06:00 +0000 2015
SCANDAL: Father Exoclastes Tenebrocorpus IV, Leader of Maidens of Endless Iron Spire, Revealed to be Secretary of Defense in Powdered Wig
Tue Jan 20 20:00:33 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Cult Leader Father Exoclastes Tenebrocorpus IV Kidnapped by Vengeful Ex-Maidens of Endless Iron Spire, To Be "Publicly Humiliated"
Tue Jan 20 19:56:57 +0000 2015
Oregon in Uproar as Treacherous Ex-Secretary of Eternity Ian Sandoval Announces Intent to Run in Special Election for Governor
Tue Jan 20 19:47:54 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Oregon Secretary of State Kate Brown Removes Governor Kitzhaber from the Coniferous Throne, Calls for Special Election
Tue Jan 20 19:45:47 +0000 2015
"You All Will Pay:" Lord Governor of Oregon Experiences Breakdown Live on TV, Declares Self God-Emperor of Earth
Tue Jan 20 19:43:50 +0000 2015
Lord Governor of Oregon Reportedly "Speechless" at Duchess Piercy's Treason
Tue Jan 20 19:33:49 +0000 2015
Duchess Kitty Piercy of Oregon Reveals Long-Standing Ties to Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, Pledges Willamette Valley to Their Cause
Tue Jan 20 19:33:11 +0000 2015
Noxious, Shrieking Presence in Oval Office Widely Presumed To Be Vice President Dissipates in Gust of Foul Wind as Obama Returns From Vacation
Tue Jan 20 19:31:46 +0000 2015
Newslords: Any Reporter Leaking Secret Weaknesses of OR Police in Brown Briefcase Left on Tacoma Narrows Bridge To Be "Severely Reprimanded"
Tue Jan 20 19:22:32 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Legally Cannot Inform Citizens Washington State Police "Greatly Vulnerable" to Chlorine, Thermite, & Ancient Sands
Tue Jan 20 19:19:59 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Does Not Condone Heretical, Traitorous Violence Against Approved Authorities, As This Would Be Heresy
Tue Jan 20 19:18:46 +0000 2015
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Multiple Washington State Police Subspecies Possess Toxins Causing Assimilation in "Suitable" White Teenagers
Tue Jan 20 19:18:01 +0000 2015
Sister Vindicta Warns Men Against Engaging Mature Police Drones in Combat: "They Must Be Handled by Trained Women of the Blade"
Tue Jan 20 19:15:12 +0000 2015
Sister Vindicta: Citizens Encouraged to "Summarily Incinerate" Any Surviving Police Commissioners, Larval-Stage Constables
Tue Jan 20 19:13:06 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Report All Police Hives in Controlled Territory Have Been "Purged in Flame," "Collapsed"
Tue Jan 20 19:10:57 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Analysts Report 70% of "Black Best Friends" Claimed by Concerned Parents Actually Fake Facebook Profiles Operated by Police
Tue Jan 20 19:07:25 +0000 2015
Accused of "Blatant Racism," Concerned Parents Present List of "Black Best Friends," Label Martin Luther King Jr. "The Real Racist"
Tue Jan 20 19:04:22 +0000 2015
Sister Vindicta: "A Proud And Glorious Day" for "Unity, Strength" in Face of "Heresy"
Tue Jan 20 19:01:38 +0000 2015
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown Personally Welcome Maidens of Endless Iron Spire
Tue Jan 20 19:00:44 +0000 2015
"We Have Seen The Burning Light:" Sister Evelyn Chang, Leader of "Sanguine Faction" of Maidens of Endless Iron Spire, Promises "No Mercy"
Tue Jan 20 18:59:32 +0000 2015
Leader of Maidens of Endless Iron Spire, Father Exoclastes Tenebrocorpus IV, Condemns "Hysterical" Sanguine Faction, Demands "Repentance"
Tue Jan 20 18:56:28 +0000 2015
Sources: Female-Led Faction of Maidens of Endless Iron Spire "Breaking Away" to Join Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Tue Jan 20 18:54:37 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Insiders Report "Schism" in "Pro-American" Cult "Maidens of the Endless Iron Spire"
Tue Jan 20 18:52:43 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Condemn Miami Police, Release "Detailed Recipes" for Toxins Capable of Penetrating Police Exoskeletons
Tue Jan 20 18:51:40 +0000 2015
Miami Police Commissioner Promises Planned Campaign of Violence, Terror Against Minorities to Resume "Immediately"
Tue Jan 20 18:50:04 +0000 2015
Miami Police Commissioner Apologizes for "Scheduling Problems," Blames "Identical Initial Letters" of Tuesday, Thursday
Tue Jan 20 18:48:27 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Criticize Miami Police for Targeting Mutants Instead of "The Ethnically Suboptimal" As Scheduled
Tue Jan 20 18:47:38 +0000 2015
In "Wacky Mix-Up," Miami Police Devour Hundreds of Screaming Mutant Rights Activists
Tue Jan 20 18:44:59 +0000 2015
U.S. Departments of Fear, Blood Criticized for "Lack of Interdepartmental Cooperation," Overreliance on "The Rack"
Tue Jan 20 18:41:34 +0000 2015
Secretary of Health & Human Service Calls Emergency Press Conference, Begins Methodically Filling Mouth With Cardboard
Tue Jan 20 18:37:21 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Your Donations to Intercept, Jam THE BROADCAST https://t.co/jGZo7rIBnr
Tue Jan 20 18:30:25 +0000 2015
8 facts you didn't know could kill you:
— @UberFactsEbooks
Tue Jan 20 05:52:13 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents: Best, Most Effective Response to Centuries of Violent Oppression, Dehumanization "Compassion," "Forgiveness"
Mon Jan 19 21:14:00 +0000 2015
"Simple Politeness And Decent Behavior Can Accomplish Such Wonderful Things:" Concerned Parents Stage MLK Day Press Conference
Mon Jan 19 21:11:51 +0000 2015
Asked to Clarify Policy on Malcolm X, Secretary of Education Holds Up Enormous Placard Reading "NEVER EXISTED," Begins to Froth At Mouth
Mon Jan 19 21:09:25 +0000 2015
Pressed on Government's Response to MLK Day, Shrieking Presence in Oval Office Assumed to be Vice President Shatters All Windows in D.C.
Mon Jan 19 21:05:38 +0000 2015
You are where you are in life because you deserve to be there, and for no other reason. Any who say otherwise must be reported immediately.
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Jan 19 21:02:50 +0000 2015
Mitt Romney on Legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr.: "
BLINDING WHITE LIGHT EMANATING FROM EVERY PORE
"
Mon Jan 19 20:56:31 +0000 2015
Necromancer-General Reminds Country Citizens Should Not Attempt to Contact Spirits of Fallen Civil Rights Leaders, "For The Dead Tell Lies"
Mon Jan 19 20:54:33 +0000 2015
Secretary of Education: Failure to "Water Down," "Whitewash" Messages of Important Civil Rights Leaders Could Be "Culturally Disastrous"
Mon Jan 19 20:52:59 +0000 2015
FBI Reassures Americans US Government "Completely Uninvolved" in MLK's Death: "In Fact, He Is Still Alive, Somewhere. Do Not Question This."
Mon Jan 19 20:51:18 +0000 2015
FBI Releases List of "Inconvenient Civil Rights Facts" Schools Should Reprimand Students for Repeating
Mon Jan 19 20:49:05 +0000 2015
Senate Leadership: "Vitally Important" to "Selectively Misremember" Legacies of Activists, Leaders of Social Change
Mon Jan 19 20:47:38 +0000 2015
Americans Nationwide to Celebrate MLK Day With Time-Honored Pastime of Appropriating Non-White Activists to Reinforce Own Hegemony
Mon Jan 19 20:45:26 +0000 2015
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Promise Spammers "To Be Punished As Any Common Heretic," "Put First To The Question, Then The Fire"
Mon Jan 19 19:03:01 +0000 2015
.@etvnewsy1 TRAGEDY: Twitter Spam Group Publicly Disemboweled, Condemned to Deepest Pits of Hell due to "Simple Misunderstanding"
Mon Jan 19 19:00:34 +0000 2015
Surgeon General Warns Dental Industry "Poorly Equipped" to Care for Americans with "Cavernous Maws"
Mon Jan 19 17:17:57 +0000 2015
OBAMA VACATION: Secret Service Refuses to Comment on Rumors of "Funereal Odors" Emanating from Oval Office
Mon Jan 19 17:14:48 +0000 2015
Health Experts: Affected Citizens "Should Not Worry," As "Nearly All Will Survive," "Will Wish They Had Not"
Mon Jan 19 08:12:15 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Monsanto Representatives: "We Are So Sorry," "That Should Not Have Happened," "We Should Not Have Done That," "Please, Forgive Us"
Mon Jan 19 08:01:25 +0000 2015
Witnesses: "It's Horrible, And It's Absolutely Everywhere"
Mon Jan 19 07:59:20 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: 7 Strange Facts You Thought You Didn't Know
Mon Jan 19 07:30:05 +0000 2015
Liberal Pundits: Nebraska's Policy of Boiling Heretics "Waste of Perfectly Good Blood"
Sun Jan 18 20:24:02 +0000 2015
Dread Secretary Recommends Nebraskans Use "Funeral Sprays" to Ward Off Thanatovores, Blood Flies Attracted by Nixonite Bone Cult
Sun Jan 18 20:12:58 +0000 2015
Experimental Cyberdome Under Construction in Dakota Dreadlands
Sun Jan 18 19:49:49 +0000 2015
Health Experts Recommend New "Chronovore Diet"
Sun Jan 18 19:27:50 +0000 2015
Questioned on Method Used to Capture Constantly Teleporting Ancient Nameless Stone Jaguar Statue, Police Report "Glue"
Sun Jan 18 19:23:04 +0000 2015
Constantly Teleporting Ancient Nameless Stone Jaguar Statue Finally Captured, Charged with Vehicular Homicide, Resisting Arrest, Jayporting
Sun Jan 18 19:21:07 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Romney Dismisses Pundits' Criticisms as "Baseless," "Smear Tactics"
Sun Jan 18 07:22:02 +0000 2015
Conservative Pundits: Romney "Clearly a Physical Entity," "Inhabits a Body"
Sun Jan 18 07:16:23 +0000 2015
Artisanal popes, now available at whole foods in both spider and spider-free versions
— @pookleblinky
Sun Jan 18 06:40:58 +0000 2015
Seventh Blood Pope Arises in Birmingham, AL
Sun Jan 18 04:46:33 +0000 2015
MIT Researchers Announce Prototype Umbrella Capable of Protection Against Painclouds
Sun Jan 18 03:02:49 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 You can have my spatula when you pry it from my flayed, twitching, oozing, still-warm hands.
— @ZenMonkey
Sat Jan 17 21:24:37 +0000 2015
Sales of Tire Irons, Syringes, and Spatulas Soar in New England After Events of January 15
Sat Jan 17 21:21:51 +0000 2015
.@rosefox Approved News Sources Are Banned from Receiving Hugo, Newbery Awards By Terms of The Old Pact
Sat Jan 17 21:10:35 +0000 2015
.@rosefox Approved News Sources Are Banned from Receiving Hugo, Newbery Awards By Terms of The Old Pact
Sat Jan 17 21:10:35 +0000 2015
Would @ApprovedNews6 be eligible for a Best Related Work Hugo Award?
— @rosefox
Sat Jan 17 21:10:31 +0000 2015
PAIN FORECAST: Dizziness, Nausea to Continue Through Wednesday, Followed Thursday by 40% Chance of Gastrointestinal Agony
Sat Jan 17 21:05:57 +0000 2015
GOSSIP: Four Shrieking Shadow Things You'll Never Believe Had Sex With A Time-Traveling Presidential Candidate
Sat Jan 17 20:35:08 +0000 2015
In Joint Statement, Democrats, Republicans Admit Neither Certain Which Party Supposed to Support, Oppose Violent Video Games
Sat Jan 17 20:32:32 +0000 2015
My daily reminder that it can be difficult to tell approved and unapproved news sources apart. @ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/uasoeySu4F
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Sat Jan 17 20:19:39 +0000 2015
Obama Leaves for Vacation; Oval Office Filled with Flickering Runes, Disembodied Howling
Sat Jan 17 20:02:01 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Production of Approved News "Costly" in Many Horrifying Ways http://t.co/fwfQljjHeR
Sat Jan 17 19:57:37 +0000 2015
"A Complete Overreaction:" Slain Orb Activists "Criticized" for "Dying"
Sat Jan 17 19:55:25 +0000 2015
Demographers: "Thing in the Walls" Expected to Overtake Whites as Majority Ethnicity in 2016
Sat Jan 17 19:41:59 +0000 2015
MIT Death Scientists: Leading Causes of Death "Malicious Whispers," "The Hands, The Hands," "Spiders Deep Inside," "Orb Pollution," & "Meat"
Sat Jan 17 19:23:30 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Attracting the Attention of Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted
Sat Jan 17 18:36:44 +0000 2015
Scientists are developing a straw that will stop up to 93% of cyberbullying.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Sat Jan 17 08:29:44 +0000 2015
.@justbadtweets Intel: Researchers "Optimistic," But Tests "Inconclusive"
Sat Jan 17 03:13:04 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 The breathless public waits for the answer to one question. Can it contain Cyber-Orbs?
— @justbadtweets
Sat Jan 17 03:12:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Drug Experts: Snorting Ground-Up Orbs the Top Gateway-Drug to [REDACTED]
— @khymchanur
Sat Jan 17 02:55:13 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 @ThePatanoiac Elsewhere, others push the cheap thrill of forbidden spectra to curious teens and multichromatic junkies alike.
— @_gtank
Sat Jan 17 02:53:59 +0000 2015
Intel Announces New "Cybercube"
Sat Jan 17 01:19:38 +0000 2015
"It Lives So Deep Beneath The Sand:" Disgruntled Ex-Employees Confirm Rumors of "Theovore Initiative"
Sat Jan 17 01:17:40 +0000 2015
New Study: "You" Are "Terrible"
Sat Jan 17 01:12:15 +0000 2015
Experts: Heterosexuality Known to Cause Cancer in Lab Rats
Sat Jan 17 01:08:33 +0000 2015
Nobel Committee: "Being Gay Is Great," "This Doesn't Make Us Gay," "You Understand That, Right," "We're Completely Heterosexual"
Sat Jan 17 01:07:08 +0000 2015
Homosexuality Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
Sat Jan 17 01:05:56 +0000 2015
Hundreds Wounded as Wichita Public Library Assaulted by New Zealand Strangling Spiders
Sat Jan 17 01:04:42 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Selling Illegal Colors
Sat Jan 17 00:02:48 +0000 2015
Forbes Denies Allegations Magazine is "For Orbs"
Fri Jan 16 21:06:50 +0000 2015
Scientists Warn Popular Soda Brands May Contain "Orb Fluids"
Fri Jan 16 19:54:47 +0000 2015
United Airlines Promises "Innovative Degradations"
Fri Jan 16 19:42:48 +0000 2015
OPINION:
24 People You Should Kill Before You Die
Fri Jan 16 19:40:13 +0000 2015
Conservative Pundits: Gem Hoarding "Patriotic," "Must Not Be Confused" With "Heretical" Stone Hoarding
Fri Jan 16 19:36:46 +0000 2015
Survivalists Nationwide Begin Stockpiling "Wondrous Gems"
Fri Jan 16 19:28:19 +0000 2015
TONIGHT AT 8/7: "Why We're Screaming," An Ethnographic Documentary
Fri Jan 16 18:50:24 +0000 2015
GOP, Forsaken Party, & Double Republicans to Hold Joint Debate
Fri Jan 16 17:15:00 +0000 2015
@paultwentworth @ApprovedNews6 The real question is if the Ghost Vikings can survive next season without the Necromancer's dread energy.
— @HHutch
Fri Jan 16 17:12:39 +0000 2015
Orb of Whispers to be Displayed at Smithsonian in Five-Minute Long "Special Exhibition"
Fri Jan 16 17:12:06 +0000 2015
Obama, Skeleton King Sign Peace Treaty
Fri Jan 16 17:10:45 +0000 2015
@paultwentworth @ApprovedNews6 Here's the deal Paul, The fans want The Necromancer. He's got the numbers and he's got the power.
— @HHutch
Fri Jan 16 17:06:54 +0000 2015
@HHutch @ApprovedNews6 Fans have been picketing outside the Seventh Circle with handmade signs, several glowing orbs have been lit.
— @paultwentworth
Fri Jan 16 17:06:49 +0000 2015
@HHutch @ApprovedNews6 Can you confirm the team are in talks to sign the Necromancer on a 6-year contract with bonus voidblade clauses?
— @paultwentworth
Fri Jan 16 17:06:47 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Exceeding Monthly Sports News Quotas May Attract the Attention of Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted
Fri Jan 16 17:01:13 +0000 2015
I think @ApprovedNews6 should cover sports. How else will I know how the Branson Rune Dragons do this season.
— @HHutch
Fri Jan 16 17:01:04 +0000 2015
Exalted Phlegmlord of the Slime People Commends Obama for "Decisive Response" to Unspecified "Heresy"
Fri Jan 16 16:52:37 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Obama Fires Ambassador to the Slime People
Fri Jan 16 16:45:05 +0000 2015
.@derwolfanwalt DoO Sources: "If You Need Ask, You Are Not Yet Sufficienly Obedient"
Fri Jan 16 02:09:37 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 is this from the Dept of Obedience? RT @DRUDGE_REPORT: Federal Study Finds No Substitute for Mass Data Collection...
— @derwolfanwalt
Fri Jan 16 02:09:28 +0000 2015
A typical slaughterhouse kills up to 500 times its normal size during pregnancy.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Thu Jan 15 23:51:41 +0000 2015
Home Depot Announces Sale on Doom Chambers, Devil Boxes
Thu Jan 15 20:10:05 +0000 2015
Pressed on Claims of Dakota Dreadlands Population Harvesting, Governor Carried Away by the Men Who Hide in Shadow And Speak in Soft Voices
Thu Jan 15 20:06:16 +0000 2015
Metapunk Band "The Sex Maggots" to Perform Live in Hell in Violation of US Embargo
Thu Jan 15 18:34:41 +0000 2015
New Study: "They Were Not Here Two Years Ago," "Where Did They Come From?"
Thu Jan 15 18:24:49 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Florida Sources Report Sighting of "Meta-Orb"
Thu Jan 15 18:20:51 +0000 2015
Americans for Traditional Torments Lobbies Against Police Use of Painbots
Thu Jan 15 18:19:08 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Metacrime
Thu Jan 15 18:10:36 +0000 2015
No Escape From Gigantic Wave Of Fluid
— @mcclure111
Thu Jan 15 17:55:13 +0000 2015
.@rosefox Experts: Transmission of Human Predestination Virus by Sexual Contact "Widespread Myth;" Infection Vector Typically "Fate"
Thu Jan 15 17:40:20 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Er. What about HPV?
— @rosefox
Thu Jan 15 17:40:17 +0000 2015
Animal Byproducts Given Voting Rights
Thu Jan 15 17:37:14 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
"Ultimate Worm" Manifests in Latvia, Demands "Burrowing Flesh"
Thu Jan 15 10:13:18 +0000 2015
.@khymchanur Experts: "
INARTICULATE SNARLING
"
Thu Jan 15 10:03:28 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 What's the distinction between druidry and tricky witchery?
— @khymchanur
Thu Jan 15 10:03:15 +0000 2015
Flamethrower Brigades Nationwide "Stretched Thin" by Growing Blood Goat Populations
Thu Jan 15 10:02:34 +0000 2015
Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) Issues Press Release Demanding "
WIGGLY VERTICAL LINE
"
Thu Jan 15 09:53:57 +0000 2015
CIA Declares "Critical Need" for Native Speakers of Dire French
Thu Jan 15 09:15:33 +0000 2015
World Compliance Initiative Announces "Obedience Challenge," Warns Disobedient Americans Will Be "
FORSAKEN RUNES
"
Thu Jan 15 06:37:21 +0000 2015
Join the 2015 Obedience Challenge. The most obedient American will be rewarded. The least obedient American will be 𐅅𐅆𐅉𐅊𐅋𐅌𐅍 𐅒𐅘𐅙𐅚𐅐𐅜𐅝𐅞𐅟𐅠𐅕𐅖𐅗𐅡𐅢𐅣
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu Jan 15 06:36:25 +0000 2015
Frito-Lay Announces New Fear-, Lust-, and
REDACTED
-Flavored Potato Chips
Thu Jan 15 06:11:18 +0000 2015
TRAGEDY: Thousands Escape After Catastrophic Fire at Sausage Plant
Thu Jan 15 04:50:39 +0000 2015
Chemists Strike, Demand Return of Water's Boiling Point to 2014 Value
Thu Jan 15 04:19:06 +0000 2015
Inside Sources: FDA "Running Out of Excuses" to Suppress "Cheap, Effective Cures" to "All Diseases"
Thu Jan 15 04:17:16 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Develop Your Perfect Abyssal Physique With Just Three Easy Do-It-At-Home Incisions
Thu Jan 15 04:13:52 +0000 2015
COLORADO WITCH PILLARS: Seven Counties Evacuated as Pillars Begin to Speak Forsaken Names of Forgotten Children
Thu Jan 15 04:11:07 +0000 2015
MIT Announces Its Secret Blood Magic Faculty Has "At Last Been Located," "Dealt With"
Thu Jan 15 04:09:07 +0000 2015
Researchers Warn Seven New Sex Positions Discovered by Cosmo Magazine May be "Cursed"
Thu Jan 15 04:07:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 CDC "discovers" a strain of HIV transmitted through awkward moments, requiring no physical contact or proximity
— @joe_no_body
Thu Jan 15 01:03:54 +0000 2015
CDC Develops World's First Sexually Transmitted Cancer
Thu Jan 15 00:10:10 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Colorado Witch Pillars Begin Levitating
Thu Jan 15 00:02:05 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Donations from Viewers Like You to Prevent Starvation of Editorial Staff http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Wed Jan 14 23:58:43 +0000 2015
Michelle Obama Accused of Druidry by GOP Pundits; Asked to Comment, Transforms into "Wondrous Hawk"
Wed Jan 14 23:55:33 +0000 2015
.@wildmikebennett
REMINDER:
Joint Christmas Defense Force Switched from Sign of Ageless Flame to JCDF Aquila in 1324 Due To "Dire Necessity"
Wed Jan 14 23:27:04 +0000 2015
.@ApprovedNews6 ∗genuflecting, making the sign of the Ageless Flame∗ he is risen indeed
— @wildmikebennett
Wed Jan 14 23:27:01 +0000 2015
Team at Heavy Function Collider Discover New Integer Between 0 and 1, Termed 𐅍, Only Able to Exist Under Extreme Banach-Tarski Pressures
Wed Jan 14 23:25:37 +0000 2015
In Act Described as "Biting Satire," New Hampshire Artist Fills State's Sky with Tightly-Packed Trash
Wed Jan 14 22:40:28 +0000 2015
Kroger Apologizes for "Packaging Typo;" Millions of "Fresh Tortillas" Actually Mislabeled "Flesh Tortillas"
Wed Jan 14 22:35:54 +0000 2015
Terrified Researchers Announce Discovery of New Sexual Orientation
Wed Jan 14 22:26:34 +0000 2015
FCC Spokesman, Unable to Meet Reporters' Gaze, Reports Malfunctions in Shades Color Blue Have Been "Corrected," Voice Shaking with Emotion
Wed Jan 14 22:17:50 +0000 2015
Prophetess of the Sundering Dark Manifests in Sweden
Wed Jan 14 20:25:46 +0000 2015
Secretary of Agriculture Sighted in High-Speed Car Chase With Agents of Monsanto Corporation
Wed Jan 14 20:23:42 +0000 2015
Florida Man Arrested for Possession of Orb Paraphernalia
Wed Jan 14 20:21:04 +0000 2015
JCDF's Arch-General Horace the Undying: "Told You So"
Wed Jan 14 20:18:25 +0000 2015
Joint Christmas Defense Force Cancels February Funeral of Arch-General Horace the Undying: "He Is Risen"
Wed Jan 14 20:18:07 +0000 2015
Hitachi Announces Recall of All Mark VII Soul Pumps, Citing "Contamination"
Wed Jan 14 20:11:53 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Confirms Rumors of Nixonite Bone Cult in Nebraska
Wed Jan 14 20:09:18 +0000 2015
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: We Interview That Which Lurks Beneath
Wed Jan 14 20:02:29 +0000 2015
NATIONAL RADAR: Meteorologists Report 97% Chance of "Secret Mist"
Wed Jan 14 19:59:22 +0000 2015
Sources: "You Will Not Be Able to Stop Her"
Wed Jan 14 19:58:20 +0000 2015
Illuminati Warns Those Asking "Difficult Questions" May Receive "Answers"
Wed Jan 14 19:58:09 +0000 2015
In "Chilling" Memo, General Electric Reports Completion of Arizona Cyberprison
Wed Jan 14 10:02:37 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Hollow-Eyed Man Boards Stolen Boat, Raises Single Hand in Gesture of Farewell As It Departs
Wed Jan 14 09:55:48 +0000 2015
Bone Party Denies Suggestions Hollow-Eyed Man Its Presidential Candidate
Wed Jan 14 09:55:04 +0000 2015
Sources Confirm Men in Foil Suits' Boat "Identical" to Boat Stolen from Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament in 2014
Wed Jan 14 09:54:10 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Boat Sailed by Men in Foil Suits Arrives at Atlantic City Waterfront
Wed Jan 14 09:53:03 +0000 2015
Witnesses: Hollow-Eyed Man's "Forlorn Gaze" Deeply Saddening Any It Crosses
Wed Jan 14 09:48:13 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Hollow-Eyed Man in Tattered Overcoat Tossing Ornately Carved Stones into Ocean Speaks Briefly to Reporters: "We Do Not Deserve Them"
Wed Jan 14 09:45:41 +0000 2015
Atlanta City Police Attempting to Approach Hollow-Eyed Man Grow Suddenly Timid, Slink Away As Though Ashamed
Wed Jan 14 09:41:27 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Hollow-Eyed Man in Tattered Overcoat Witnessed on Atlantic City Waterfront Slowly Tossing Ornately-Carved Stones into Ocean
Wed Jan 14 09:35:49 +0000 2015
Experts: Loss of Psychic Privacy Act Would "Disproportionately Affect" Working-Class Families Unable to Afford Hawkblood Protection Charms
Wed Jan 14 09:31:34 +0000 2015
Sen. Lamar (R-TN) Proposes Bill to Protect "Legitimate Authorities" from "Civilian Mind-Reading" in Event Supreme Court Overturns PPA
Wed Jan 14 09:29:33 +0000 2015
Nation's Leading Telepaths: Psychic Privacy Law "Overbroad," Lacks "Good Samaritan Exceptions"
Wed Jan 14 09:26:28 +0000 2015
Supreme Court to Rule on 1946 "Psychic Privacy Act" in Ohio v. Chandrasekhar
Wed Jan 14 09:25:41 +0000 2015
National Fire Drill Day to Coincide with National Fire Day for First Time in 74 Years
Wed Jan 14 09:22:48 +0000 2015
Obama Describes Monday's Disappearance of Thousands of Wisconsites as "Practice"
Wed Jan 14 09:20:09 +0000 2015
Seven Blocks of Downtown Austin Evacuated Due to Jaywalking
Wed Jan 14 09:19:19 +0000 2015
"It Is So Very Dark Here:" Portland, MA Mayor Offers "Reward" for "Any Information" on Sunlight Theft
Wed Jan 14 09:16:08 +0000 2015
Two Weeks' Worth of Sunlight Stolen from Portland, MA by Unknown Malefactor
Wed Jan 14 09:14:16 +0000 2015
Caravan of Injured Sand Whisperers Arrives in Reno, NV; Officials Reportedly "Troubled"
Wed Jan 14 09:12:44 +0000 2015
"A Long-Standing Loophole:" Republicans Pass Bill Requiring Deportation of All Residents Belonging to Any Species Under Import Restrictions
Wed Jan 14 07:45:44 +0000 2015
Great Manhattan Dome Enters Growth Phase
Wed Jan 14 01:04:37 +0000 2015
Potato Chip Engineers Warn of Coming "Pringularity"
Wed Jan 14 00:55:05 +0000 2015
Immigration Experts Predict "Sudden Influx" of "Shrieking Shadow Things"
Wed Jan 14 00:37:42 +0000 2015
"Ça Me Fait Chier:" Deposed President of Space France Halfheartedly Condemns Coup
Tue Jan 13 09:46:16 +0000 2015
People's Democratic Republic of Space France to Celebrate First Coup of the Year
Tue Jan 13 03:13:14 +0000 2015
D.C. Man Convicted of Vandalism, Sentenced to "Elongation"
Mon Jan 12 23:02:52 +0000 2015
Obama Visits Forbidden Lands to "Sanctify The Ash Middens"
Mon Jan 12 07:07:34 +0000 2015
Surgeon-General: Americans Should Set Aside "2 Hours" Each Day for "Chanting"
Mon Jan 12 05:58:58 +0000 2015
National Arson Society Leadership Arrested for Tax Evasion
Sun Jan 11 17:14:14 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Society of the Scouring Scream Declares MITC Bombing "
PIERCING SHRIEK
"
Sun Jan 11 09:18:06 +0000 2015
Burj al-Laħm Spokes
REDACTED
s Issue Statement, Promising Perperators of Bombing Will Be "Captured," "Serenely Flayed"
Sun Jan 11 09:14:23 +0000 2015
Police: Victims Were Mostly Members of Taliban, Burj Al-Laħm, Boko Haram, & Society of the Scouring Scream
Sun Jan 11 09:09:26 +0000 2015
Sources: "They Really Should Have Seen This Coming"
Sun Jan 11 09:05:20 +0000 2015
U.S. Counterterrorism Officials Describe Manila International Terrorism Conference Bombing as "Deeply Ironic"
Sun Jan 11 09:05:07 +0000 2015
Surviving Al-Qaeda Leadership Condemns MITC Bombing, Blames "Tricky Witches"
Sun Jan 11 09:01:11 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Bombing at Manila International Terrorism Conference Kills Hundreds of Violent Radicals for Tenth Year Running
Sun Jan 11 09:00:08 +0000 2015
"Her Heresy Sickens All:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Deny Alleged Ties to Green Bay's Bone Sorceress Overlord Samedra Thunderflange
Fri Jan 09 21:33:09 +0000 2015
People for the Ethical Treatment of Cryptocurrencies to "Mobilize" to Protect Maine Bitcoin Herd from Hunters
Fri Jan 09 21:03:32 +0000 2015
GOP: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword's Claims "Posturing," "Lies"
Fri Jan 09 20:58:12 +0000 2015
Alleged Midnight Raid by Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Stops Dread Blood Ritual, Saves Earth from Fate "Far Worse" Than "Mere Death"
Fri Jan 09 20:57:17 +0000 2015
Flock of Wild Bitcoins Sighted Near Maine Border
Fri Jan 09 20:50:56 +0000 2015
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Declares "Festival of Ash & Sorrow" to Celebrate Beginning of Voidcorn Harvest Season
Fri Jan 09 20:48:38 +0000 2015
Obama Awards Medal of Freedom to "Uncontrollable Chemical Reactions"
Fri Jan 09 07:51:53 +0000 2015
MIT Dean of Hemolinguistics Arrested for Blood Crimes
Thu Jan 08 20:57:58 +0000 2015
FASHION: Industry Insiders Predict 2015 to be "Year of the Bloodweave"
Thu Jan 08 20:56:39 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Supremacy of Approved News Sources Over Those Who Would Deceive You "Fragile;" Requires "Donations" http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Thu Jan 08 20:03:56 +0000 2015
Learn seven exciting new ways to comply this Friday. Failure to do so will lead to consequences.
— @ApprovedNews7
Thu Jan 08 20:00:39 +0000 2015
MIT Dept. of Hat Science: Magic Hat Smuggling Becoming "Serious Threat" to "Flesh Purity"
Thu Jan 08 19:59:57 +0000 2015
California Man Arrested for Possession of Magic Hat
Thu Jan 08 19:17:48 +0000 2015
New Study: Hope "Futile"
Thu Jan 08 15:31:15 +0000 2015
Seven Killed in Tragic Accident at Ohio Doom-Watching Party
Thu Jan 08 09:21:23 +0000 2015
MIT Botanists: Orange "Most Vengeful Fruit"
Thu Jan 08 05:51:57 +0000 2015
APA: Most Common Cause of Depression "Ontophobia"
Thu Jan 08 05:30:16 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Popular Children's Author Hans Beckenbauer Released From Custody After Proving Own Nonexistence
Thu Jan 08 05:26:50 +0000 2015
First Bone Party, Forsaken Party Presidential Debate Criticized for "Unnecessary" Nudity, "Graphic" Violence
Thu Jan 08 05:26:14 +0000 2015
Hans Beckenbauer, Author of Popular Children's Book "Die Wunderschöne Fleischlust," Arrested for Astrolarceny
Thu Jan 08 05:16:19 +0000 2015
Liberal Activists Call for End to Horse Orb Subsidies for Farmers
Thu Jan 08 04:50:41 +0000 2015
\@VinnieTesla Sources Suggest "You Will Soon Find Out"
Thu Jan 08 03:51:18 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Sorry, is this an eggs layer or an egg slayer? #askingforafriend
— @VinnieTesla
Thu Jan 08 03:51:15 +0000 2015
Ohio Bone Cult Promises "Terrible Death for All Our Enemies," Is Arrested for Speeding
Wed Jan 07 23:45:08 +0000 2015
Sources: "Stop Asking Difficult Questions," "It Is All Oleg's Fault"
Wed Jan 07 23:41:32 +0000 2015
People of Green Bay, WI Rally Behind Lady Thunderflange: "We Beg That You Not Anger Her," "We Have Suffered Enough Already"
Wed Jan 07 23:31:47 +0000 2015
Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Accused of "Negligent Eternal Torment," Sued by Grieving Families
Wed Jan 07 23:28:32 +0000 2015
Murder Scientists Condemn "Politicized" Shutdown of MIT Dept. of Murder, Issue "Death Threats of Solidarity"
Wed Jan 07 23:26:49 +0000 2015
MIT Department of Murder Shut Down in Wake of Bloodworm Scandal
Wed Jan 07 22:55:27 +0000 2015
Asked for Comment on Future of Planet Gilgamesh, Illuminati Secretary General Ulikh Yoor Winks Knowingly, Brainwashes All Present
Wed Jan 07 22:53:49 +0000 2015
NASA: Illuminati-Created Planet Gilgamesh Exiting Solar System At "Impossible Speed"
Wed Jan 07 22:52:41 +0000 2015
Orbs' Rights Activists Call for "
IDEMPOTENT MATRIX FUNCTION
," "[RISING WHIR]"
Wed Jan 07 22:48:57 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE: Epsilon Initiative Announces Project Omicron http://t.co/j52U9eOzDL
Wed Jan 07 22:19:16 +0000 2015
Illuminati Denies Rumors of "Breeding Programs;" Announces Launch of Dating Service
Wed Jan 07 21:39:31 +0000 2015
German Ambassador Briefly Manifests in 3+1-Dimensional Spacetime to Hold Telepathic Press Conference
Wed Jan 07 21:06:56 +0000 2015
Dakota Supreme Governor Alexandra Lin Denies Rumors of Dreadlands "Population Harvesting" by Illuminati
Wed Jan 07 21:05:08 +0000 2015
Pressed on Effect of German Transcendence on "German-American Relations," Obama Exiles All Reporters Present to Dakota Dreadlands
Wed Jan 07 21:01:17 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Entire Population of Germany Transcends Physical Existence
Wed Jan 07 19:44:31 +0000 2015
SPONSORED: Become a Certified Eggslayer in Just Seven Terrifying Seconds
Wed Jan 07 17:16:16 +0000 2015
Amulet Industry Accused of Widespread "Memory Theft"
Wed Jan 07 16:45:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 MIT says damages will be used to "refocus the Ninefold Prism," promises an end to Cambridge microtremors, sentient weather.
— @mts_outbound
Wed Jan 07 16:38:38 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 MIT suit claims finished building riddled with "leaky plumbing," "fractal corridors," "poorly calibrated metageometries."
— @mts_outbound
Wed Jan 07 16:38:29 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 MIT files suit against Frank Gehry alleging poor design of Building [Unspeakable Shining Rune], known also as "Stata Center."
— @mts_outbound
Wed Jan 07 16:38:27 +0000 2015
Questioned on Death Rate Drop, German President Smiles Eerily, Begins to Levitate
Wed Jan 07 07:41:33 +0000 2015
German Death Rate Suddenly Drops to Zero
Wed Jan 07 07:39:58 +0000 2015
FULL ARTICLE: They Have Betrayed Us http://t.co/FuHslgNeZJ
Wed Jan 07 07:23:11 +0000 2015
GOP Activists Undertake Initiative to "Stoke the Great Pyres"
Wed Jan 07 06:26:30 +0000 2015
"They Are Cursed:" AMD Recalls "Faulty" Motherboard Line
Wed Jan 07 02:28:29 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: Survivors of the Third Great Archfungus Epidemic Share Their Story
Wed Jan 07 02:21:10 +0000 2015
RNC Issues Rambling Statement Demanding "Traitors" be "Meticulously Dismantled"
Wed Jan 07 02:18:16 +0000 2015
Experts: Washington Skeleton Boxes Most Likely Left Over from the Blood Wars of 1574-1947
Wed Jan 07 02:15:56 +0000 2015
Undetonated Skeleton Boxes Discovered by Spelunkers in Washington State
Wed Jan 07 00:59:33 +0000 2015
Senate Votes to Declare Jan. 30 "National Murder Day"
Tue Jan 06 23:05:10 +0000 2015
Austin, TX Community Blames Recent Disappearances of More Than 17 Teenagers on "Government Orb Men"
Tue Jan 06 23:03:32 +0000 2015
Experts Date Inscriptions on CIA Jade Plinths to "The Before Times"
Tue Jan 06 23:00:54 +0000 2015
Asked to Clarify Critical Language Status of "Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders," CIA Operatives Suddenly Replaced by Towering Jade Plinths
Tue Jan 06 22:24:36 +0000 2015
CIA: Any Americans Able to Speak Old Intergalactic Spanish, Egg, German, Knife, or
REDACTED
Must Report for Summary Incineration
Tue Jan 06 22:20:00 +0000 2015
CIA: Other Critical Languages Include "Hawk," "
TERRIBLE RUNES
," "Infraspanish," "Lunar Creole," "Bone-Tongue," & "Prophetic Whisper"
Tue Jan 06 22:15:18 +0000 2015
CIA Releases List of "Critical Languages," Including "Igbo," "Literary Arabic," "Forsaken Arabic," "Super-Korean," & "Hydrogen Peroxide"
Tue Jan 06 21:58:27 +0000 2015
Crimepunk Band "Orb Heresy" Vanishes From Stage During Orlando Charity Concert
Tue Jan 06 19:10:17 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
REDACTED
http://t.co/VPdmr89Al1
Tue Jan 06 05:05:49 +0000 2015
Whitefish, MO: 7 Killed in Blood Mine Collapse
Tue Jan 06 04:23:31 +0000 2015
New Mexico Doom Zones to Commemorate 7 Eons of
REDACTED
Tue Jan 06 03:31:10 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 New Report Blames Loosening Sexual Mores Among Younger Generations for Sharp Decline in Virgin Sacrifices
— @smallupsetter
Tue Jan 06 03:25:47 +0000 2015
Breathless & Shaking, 4 MIT Scientists Return From Whispering Wilds 7 Weeks Ahead of Schedule
Tue Jan 06 03:07:52 +0000 2015
Single Bottle of 2047 Chardonnay Sells for Record $4 Million
Tue Jan 06 03:01:54 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Recently-Manifested Knife God Reportedly "In Talks" for Book Deal
Tue Jan 06 02:54:59 +0000 2015
Which Government-Issue Parasites Have You Unknowingly Been Infected With, And Why? Find Out Tonight at 8/7c
Tue Jan 06 02:53:30 +0000 2015
Which Government-Issue Parasites Have You Unknowingly Been Infected With, And Why? Find Out Tonight at 8/7c
Tue Jan 06 02:53:30 +0000 2015
Hundreds Dead As Kitchenware Expo Leads to Prophesied Incarnation of Ancient Knife God
Tue Jan 06 02:50:07 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Recent Polling Suggests Flesh-eating lichen to be One of fastest growing demographics among electorate in 2016.
— @smallupsetter
Tue Jan 06 02:15:38 +0000 2015
DHHS Reminds All Citizens to Keep "Up-to-date List" of Which Friends, Relatives They Would Sacrifice For Own Survival
Tue Jan 06 01:46:31 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Spokesperson: Portable Soul Prisons "Big Sellers" over Holiday Season, 1 in 7 Americans Now Among the Damned
— @smallupsetter
Tue Jan 06 00:26:08 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Public Inquiry Determines Dept. Of Lies Cannot Be Accurately Located, Sources Designated "Unreliable"
— @smallupsetter
Mon Jan 05 23:58:15 +0000 2015
Senate Votes to Consolidate Dept. of Truth, Dept. of Lies
Mon Jan 05 23:55:25 +0000 2015
Pressed on Criticisms, Green Bay's Lady Thunderflange Knots Skeletons of Critics into "Dread Spire" With But A Single Gesture
Mon Jan 05 23:54:14 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Officials: Sudden Rise in population of Carnivorous Nerve Slugs "Nothing Of Concern," public must "Remain Calm But Vigilant."
— @smallupsetter
Mon Jan 05 23:53:09 +0000 2015
Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange, Uncontested Overlord of Green Bay, WI, Criticized for "Excessive" 800th Birthday Party
Mon Jan 05 23:49:30 +0000 2015
.@khymchanur Sources: ADI Has "Consistently Backed Republicans" Since "The Cleaving Times"
Mon Jan 05 23:41:43 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Were pundits shocked by them endorsing a nameless candidate, or by them endorsing a Bone Party candidate?
— @khymchanur
Mon Jan 05 23:41:38 +0000 2015
"Bask in the Glory of the New Time:" American Dystopia Intiative Arch-Director Simone Andrews XI Comments on Bone Party Endorsement
Mon Jan 05 23:40:16 +0000 2015
American Dystopia Initiative Endorses Nameless Bone Party Candidate, Shocking Pundits
Mon Jan 05 23:36:34 +0000 2015
.@grumpybozo Newslords: All Inquiries Related to Measurement, Distribution of Time Should be Directed to Federal Dept. of Eternity
Mon Jan 05 23:32:27 +0000 2015
I wonder if @ApprovedNews6 is on the mailing list for these? http://t.co/WlUoLBXED6 http://t.co/AKWZ79O7g4
— @grumpybozo
Mon Jan 05 23:25:25 +0000 2015
Florida Man Who Organized Deadly Roach-Eating Contest Arrested For Slapping Employee With Lizard | http://t.co/TV3yVw7LSy
— @_FloridaMan
Mon Jan 05 20:06:45 +0000 2015
Yale's Charles J. Bloodhorn Memorial Library Burned by Mutant Rights Protestors
Sun Jan 04 23:53:19 +0000 2015
Florida Man Invents "Disposable Politician"
Sun Jan 04 23:35:31 +0000 2015
FDA Approves "Pain Compliance Therapy"
Sun Jan 04 23:29:43 +0000 2015
SPECIAL COVERAGE: 10 Everyday Things You Won't Believe Can Be Dealt With Using A Massive Nuclear Strike, 9/8c
Sun Jan 04 23:23:09 +0000 2015
Officials Refuse to Comment on Rumors of "Cyberpope"
Sun Jan 04 22:03:14 +0000 2015
Is your toddler a convicted felon? The answer may surprise you. Tune in at 11
— @pookleblinky
Sun Jan 04 21:59:54 +0000 2015
"Happy Birthday To You:" Wyoming Man Executed for Copyright Infringement
Sat Jan 03 18:38:40 +0000 2015
7 Doom Geese Captured Infiltrating Potomac River
Sat Jan 03 17:49:18 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Tours of Senate Floor Suspended Due to Breakdown of Fog Machine and Ominous Pipe Organ
— @khymchanur
Sat Jan 03 17:42:10 +0000 2015
"Something Must Be Done:" Chemists "Enraged" as Boiling Point of Water Changes for 4th Year in Row
Sat Jan 03 09:10:35 +0000 2015
7 D.C. "Deaths" Linked to Most Terrible Sigil
Sat Jan 03 09:09:45 +0000 2015
House Majority Leader Calls for "Tax Breaks" to "Disincentivize" Stone Hoarding
Sat Jan 03 09:04:48 +0000 2015
Concerned Parents Vote to Declare Tricky Witches "Anatomically Subhuman"
Sat Jan 03 09:03:04 +0000 2015
War Rages in Texas as Clinton, Swarm of Earth Devils Battle Republican Loyalists for GOP Strongholds
Sat Jan 03 09:01:56 +0000 2015
Pentagon Offers "Free Starbucks Gift Card" for Any American to Assassinate "Uncooperative Foreigner Leader"
Sat Jan 03 08:58:20 +0000 2015
Questioned on Alleged DOO, DOE link, Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Orders All Reporters Blindfolded, Ushered Into "Dank Closet"
Sat Jan 03 00:42:57 +0000 2015
Citing "Recent Elvis Sightings," AN6 Conspiracy Consultant Dr. Ángela Portillo Warns of "Collusion" Between Depts. of Energy, Obedience
Sat Jan 03 00:38:12 +0000 2015
Eerie Whispers on the Evening Breeze Implicate Fed Chair in Bribery Scandal
Sat Jan 03 00:34:31 +0000 2015
Florida Man Invents "Cybercomputer"
Fri Jan 02 22:32:34 +0000 2015
Experts: Children Experiencing Early-Onset Telekinesis Should Be Treated With "Aggressive Course" of Chlorine Trifluoride
Fri Jan 02 08:48:07 +0000 2015
PAIN CITADELS: Pain King Refuses to Comment on Rumors of Secret Love Affair with Scream Council Screamlord Rafael Villa-Hernández
Fri Jan 02 08:35:13 +0000 2015
Joint Christmas Defense Force Schedules Arch-General Horace the Undying's Funeral for February
Fri Jan 02 08:27:28 +0000 2015
Miami Resettlement Efforts Begin As Area is Certified Inhabitable
Fri Jan 02 07:36:01 +0000 2015
Ohio Bone Cult To Sacrifice "Seventy Screaming Virgins," Summon "He Who Shall End You All;" Nation's Cult Pundits "Unimpressed"
Fri Jan 02 07:30:21 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
For Last Year's Coverage of The Boats, See http://t.co/S3gplgrQYm
Fri Jan 02 07:25:30 +0000 2015
"The Boats Are Forever Vanquished:" Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Reports Unexpected Missive from Men in Foil Suits
Fri Jan 02 07:24:52 +0000 2015
Obama: America Must "Stay on Top" in "Highly Competitive" Crime Sector
Fri Jan 02 07:19:29 +0000 2015
Citing "Recent Advances," Obama Calls on House to Fund Completion of Leavenworth Crime Reactor
Fri Jan 02 07:13:37 +0000 2015
Crime Physicists Successfully Create "Exotic Crime" in Laboratory Conditions
Fri Jan 02 07:11:14 +0000 2015
Crime Scientists: 2015 Has Experienced "470% Increase" in Infracrime Over 2014
Fri Jan 02 07:10:12 +0000 2015
Pain Citadels to Buy 2,500 General Electric Mark VII Squirm Chambers to Replace "Outdated Mortification Engines"
Fri Jan 02 07:06:17 +0000 2015
Orb Scientists: MIT Dept. of Geography Likely Exploited Annual Winter Transit to Intercept Orb of Truth During Return From "The Dark Place"
Fri Jan 02 07:00:20 +0000 2015
As "Goodwill Gesture," Dr. Tendaji Returns Orb of Truth to Smithsonian Museum
Fri Jan 02 06:59:08 +0000 2015
"They Will Be Safe Among The Clouds:" Dr. Tyson to "Evacuate" MIT Geography Faculty
Fri Jan 02 06:56:54 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 damn Obama is in league with the mummies I just know it
— @fartpowder
Fri Jan 02 06:55:42 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson's Flying Castle Taking Up Position over MIT Dept. of Geography
Fri Jan 02 06:55:08 +0000 2015
Obama: Secretary of Energy's Actions "Unsanctioned," "Grievous Violation" of Bone Cavern Summit Agreements
Fri Jan 02 06:54:26 +0000 2015
Obama Calls "Emergency Press Conference," Walls, Ceiling of Press Room Replaced by "Eternal Night"
Fri Jan 02 06:53:39 +0000 2015
UPDATE:
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Reclusive Astrophysicist & Sky Pirate, Announces MIT's Dr. Tendaji Under "Protection" of "
His
Robot Army"
Fri Jan 02 06:48:52 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report Federal Forces Laying Siege to MIT Dept. of Geography Being Repelled by "Vast Robotic Horde"
Fri Jan 02 06:48:43 +0000 2015
SCANDAL: Dept. of Energy Allegedly Conducting Experiments in Southwest Idaho to Exploit "Forsaken Power" of Contamination
Fri Jan 02 06:45:13 +0000 2015
MIT's Dr. Jelani Tendaji Claims Dept. of Energy Engaged in "Forsaken Experiments" in Southwest Idaho
Fri Jan 02 06:36:33 +0000 2015
"The Truth Must Be Known:" MIT Geography Department Head Claims Credit for Orb Theft
Fri Jan 02 06:34:06 +0000 2015
Anonymous Source: Orb of Truth "Reported Stolen" from Smithsonian
Fri Jan 02 06:32:37 +0000 2015
Witnesses Report FBI Raiding MIT Physics Department
Fri Jan 02 06:31:52 +0000 2015
BREAKING:
Secretary of Energy Assassinated Mid-Speech
Fri Jan 02 06:30:37 +0000 2015
Secretary of Energy: "Experiment Gone Wrong" in May 2014 Resulted in Contamination of Entire State
Fri Jan 02 06:29:49 +0000 2015
After Months of Stonewalling, Dept. of Energy Admits Entire State of Idaho "Forever Lost To Us"
Fri Jan 02 06:27:41 +0000 2015
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: History's Deadliest Lairs, Part 4
Fri Jan 02 06:20:51 +0000 2015
"A Major Bipartisan Accomplishment:" House Approves Measure to Fund "Twice as Many" Kidnappings in 2015
Fri Jan 02 06:19:18 +0000 2015
Kerry: Putin "Shockingly Graceless," "Frequently Wets Himself"
Fri Jan 02 03:16:43 +0000 2015
Putin Holds Surprise Press Conference, Claims Kerry "Coconut Appeaser," "Profoundly Diseased"
Fri Jan 02 03:04:31 +0000 2015
REMINDER:
Your Donations Are The Only Thing Keeping It At Bay http://t.co/fwfQljjHeR
Fri Jan 02 01:16:36 +0000 2015
@ApprovedNews6 Astral Torment Ritual Component Supply Market In Free Fall
— @zacaj_
Fri Jan 02 00:01:29 +0000 2015
Colorado Residents Report Sightings of "Witch Pillars"
Thu Jan 01 23:24:47 +0000 2015
First Lady Michelle Obama on Husband's New Status as National Forest: "
FOREBODING BIRDSONG
"
Thu Jan 01 22:32:08 +0000 2015
Washington State to Implement Astral Torment Ritual Tax
Thu Jan 01 22:30:31 +0000 2015
.@_gtank Dept. of Interior: Reserve Orbs to be Coated in "Affirming Resins;" Frequency of Chanting Rites to be Doubled
Thu Jan 01 22:27:52 +0000 2015
@approvednews6 How will this new risk affect the government's management of the Strategic Orb Reserve?
— @_gtank
Thu Jan 01 22:27:48 +0000 2015
Senate Votes to Create Federal Department of Blood
Thu Jan 01 22:22:15 +0000 2015
Obama Declares Self National Forest
Thu Jan 01 22:18:38 +0000 2015
Experts: Blood Goat Resurgence Would Pose "Catastrophic Threat" to "Inner Harmonics"
Thu Jan 01 21:21:44 +0000 2015
Bone Sages: 2015 "Year of the Blood Goat"
Thu Jan 01 21:10:34 +0000 2015
Pundits Assail Clinton for Perceived "Orbism"
Thu Jan 01 05:17:52 +0000 2015
@_HaikusGoddess @ApprovedNews6 Well, that's okay then.
— @snakeoilbaron
Wed Dec 31 23:16:49 +0000 2014
@snakeoilbaron @ApprovedNews6 Nah, nah. Just their souls.
— @_HaikusGoddess
Wed Dec 31 23:16:47 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @_HaikusGoddess Those orbs better not be stealing people's jobs!!! Damn orbs!!!
— @snakeoilbaron
Wed Dec 31 23:16:45 +0000 2014
Orb Watchers "Excited" as National Orbological Association of America Announces Rare Orb Sightings in Alaska, Arkansas
Wed Dec 31 22:21:29 +0000 2014
FCC Reports "Widespread Malfunctions" in Seven Shades of Color Blue
Wed Dec 31 04:42:19 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Previous Reporting Implied "Sapphire Desecrator" to be Astral Being, Rather Than "Infamous Jewel Thief." We Regret The Error.
Wed Dec 31 04:00:14 +0000 2014
At Week's Third Public Flaying, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Reiterate "Absolute Commitment" to "Punishment" of "The Guilty"
Wed Dec 31 03:36:49 +0000 2014
@listelian @netcrusher88 "She Does Not Forget:" Blood Soaked Maidens Confirm "Sanguine Goddess" to be "Without Mercy"
Wed Dec 31 03:20:03 +0000 2014
\@khymchanur Epistemology Scientists: "It Is By Definition Unknowable"
Wed Dec 31 01:25:46 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Wait, when was the First Great Epistemological Disaster?
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 31 01:25:45 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-TOPSEC: At 10:47AM EST on August 3, the Whispers begin to reveal state secrets; on August 5, global thermonuclear war begins
Wed Dec 31 01:22:22 +0000 2014
Analysts: Points of Deviation in Alternate Timelines Most Frequently "Blood" (13%), "Parasites" (9%), "The Eggs" (7%), & "Injections" (3%)
Wed Dec 31 01:16:24 +0000 2014
Analysts: 93% of Timelines "Have Fallen to Contamination," up from 87% in 1999
Wed Dec 31 01:09:36 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-CANADA: US Military fails to contain the onrushing darkness that replaced the country of Canada; Earth canceled
Wed Dec 31 00:58:46 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-SD: The Sapphire Desecrator manifests, disavows "any connection" with "pain-in-the-ass" Blood Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Wed Dec 31 00:53:14 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-DOOM: The prophesied darkness comes at last, bringing great doom upon the lands, to the delight of the Ohio Bone Cult
Wed Dec 31 00:50:37 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-OMEGA: The Epsilon Initiative invokes the Omega Prerogative, leading to the Delta Event and beginning the Omicron Deception
Wed Dec 31 00:48:28 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-DNMB: The unexpected death of the Dread Secretary during the Hell War leaves the Pact unfulfilled; the Iron Times begin
Wed Dec 31 00:44:27 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-FOREST: Defeat of the Blood-Soaked Maidens prevents diplomacy between Deschutes, Old Forest; both are destroyed in ensuing war
Wed Dec 31 00:41:35 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-RED: At a press conference, the Woman in the Red Cloak & Oaken Crown reveals her true identity, kisses Maxine Halvorsen
Wed Dec 31 00:39:17 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-ICELAND: The President of Iceland launches a swarm of orbital kinetic-kill vehicles in a bid for world domination
Wed Dec 31 00:33:22 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-ALASKA-3: Gov. Walker attempts to ascend to godhood, but instead elevates his butler, who leads Earth to a global utopia
Wed Dec 31 00:25:03 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-RUSSIA: The 1999 death of Gen. Vasilyeva leaves Russia without a leader after the Queenspawn invasion; Russia falls to chaos
Wed Dec 31 00:22:14 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Funding for Extradimensional Assets Derives Entirely from Monthly Viewer Pledges http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Wed Dec 31 00:18:32 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-ALASKA-2: Gov. Walker's failed attempt to ascend to godhood through a dread blood rite turns the entire hemisphere molten
Wed Dec 31 00:17:21 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-????: A second Great Epistemological Disaster occurs, destroying all human knowledge
Wed Dec 31 00:15:00 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-ALASKA: The governor of Alaska ascends to godhood through a dread blood rite, becoming a minor North American fertility deity
Wed Dec 31 00:13:03 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-AWFUL: "It's just... awful," say extradimensional sources, shaking their heads and refusing to elaborate. "Just... AWFUL."
Wed Dec 31 00:09:50 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-MOON: The moon hatches twenty years earlier than predicted
Wed Dec 31 00:02:32 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-COLLEGE-LIFE: A neurotic med student is forced by a series of wacky disasters to move in with a laid-back stoner arms dealer
Wed Dec 31 00:01:20 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-FIRE: An Illuminati experiment "gone horribly right" causes all flammable material in the observable universe to catch fire
Tue Dec 30 23:53:20 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-2024: Big Bang occurs ten years early; the brutal cyberwar between New Texas and the Mexico Hivemind turns memetic in August
Tue Dec 30 23:48:07 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews6 symptoms of "The Urge" are hard to pinpoint. Hoping 4 vaccines, before weekly #hopecurfews enforced. http://t.co/lTZK44135N
— @Electro_Shaman
Tue Dec 30 23:42:02 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-DIMENSION: Width is banned by international treaty, relieving an enormous strain on the Earth's resources
Tue Dec 30 23:38:19 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-PAIN: The Pain Citadels turn a record profit and fund the development of ebola worldwide; global human extinction soon follows
Tue Dec 30 23:37:22 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-BROOD: The Illuminati fails to avert the 2014 Queenspawn Invasion; the world becomes yet another Hatchery Dimension
Tue Dec 30 23:32:49 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-ORB: Global unrest and distrust of orbs begins the Great Orb War; oblate spheroids take advantage of the chaos to
REDACTED
Tue Dec 30 23:31:09 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-BLOOD: Accidental release of
REDACTED
transforms most of Earth's water into human blood, reducing cases of iron deficiency
Tue Dec 30 23:28:24 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-PUNK: Popular culture is forever changed by the sudden rise of the "orbpunk" trend
Tue Dec 30 23:25:04 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-TIM:All animal life on earth spontaneously becomes a near-perfect copy of Minneapolis resident Tim Knapp, plumber & orbwatcher
Tue Dec 30 23:23:23 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-AN0: The radio broadcasts of Approved News 0 begin leaking into consensus reality, signaling the start of the Great Undoing
Tue Dec 30 23:20:12 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-KNIFE: Knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife KNIVES KNIVES KNI
Tue Dec 30 23:14:11 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-FUNGUS: A lab accident in May causes the Fourth Great Archfungus Epidemic; by December, Earth's entire ecology is spore-based
Tue Dec 30 23:12:54 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-FUNDS: A lack of viewer contributions cause Approved News 6 bankruptcy, reduction in news poisoning, starvation of News Hounds
Tue Dec 30 22:42:21 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-2015: 2014 is canceled due to "
EXPLETIVE REDACTED
", leading to the early arrival of 2015, coming of the Sand Times
Tue Dec 30 22:39:41 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-█████: The Sacred Order of the
REDACTED
reveals itself, [REDACTED] major population centers, and [REDACTED] global biosphere
Tue Dec 30 22:37:58 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-FRANCE: Sec'y of Eternity Ian Sandoval fails to re-synchronize France; tourists exploit time difference to cheat at lottery
Tue Dec 30 22:35:29 +0000 2014
TIMELINE 2014-CUBE: The Miami Dread Cube event fails to occur, and Florida Man Kenneth R. Downey survives to conquer, enslave all of Earth
Tue Dec 30 22:32:15 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 to Begin Traditional News Years Alternate Timeline Coverage
Tue Dec 30 22:25:33 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Releases List of New Years Eve Pogrom Targets
Tue Dec 30 22:22:41 +0000 2014
\@Electro_Shaman Train Scientists: Metro Rail Passengers Boarding Without Tickets May Experience "The Urge"
Tue Dec 30 19:27:56 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 does this warning also apply to regional or metro rail lines like in Austin, Texas? #MetroRailAlert
— @Electro_Shaman
Tue Dec 30 19:27:54 +0000 2014
NO SEX PLEASE! THE OWLS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM.
— @zizek_ebooks
Mon Dec 29 23:39:30 +0000 2014
"There Is No Cure:" Amtrak Warns Passengers Any to Board Trains Without Ticket "May Be Bitten by Conductors"
Mon Dec 29 14:11:01 +0000 2014
Florida Secret Police: Archfungus Spawning Season "Nearly Upon Us"
Mon Dec 29 14:07:42 +0000 2014
@j2dk @ApprovedNews6 Reading this tweet just crashed my browser.
— @rosefox
Sun Dec 28 10:36:35 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Weeks After Its Destruction by Renowned Children's Author Jeremiah Witherspoon, Spokane, WA Reappears "Almost Completely Intact"
Sun Dec 28 10:14:28 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce 7 Yule Mages Captured in Christmas Aftermath To Be Publicly Beaten, Flayed
Sun Dec 28 10:12:39 +0000 2014
Joint Christmas Defense Force: Any Citizens Exhibiting Symptoms of Christmas Teeth or Yuleblood Must Report for "Immediate Incineration"
Sun Dec 28 10:06:49 +0000 2014
.@j2dk Christmas Scientists: Looking at Tree-Beams for Over 47 Seconds Causes Permanent Hemorrhaging, "Christmas Eyes" in 98% of Subjects
Sun Dec 28 10:04:53 +0000 2014
Hey @ApprovedNews6 photographic evidence of the Christmas event? "@ZaibatsuPlanet: Christmas day by agnber #photo http://t.co/NNVkkQsbL3"
— @j2dk
Sun Dec 28 09:52:38 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Concerned Citizens Should Test Selves "Frequently" for News Poisoning
Sun Dec 28 09:52:06 +0000 2014
New Study: Americans Must "Satisfy the Singing Flesh" or Face "The Tubes and Fingers"
Sun Dec 28 06:25:15 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged $1 Each Month, Fewer of Our Journalists Would Be Forced to Eat Their Colleagues http://t.co/fwfQljjHeR
Sun Dec 28 06:13:55 +0000 2014
Where Are The Whispers Coming From? Find Out Monday Night at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sun Dec 28 06:07:36 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged $1 Each Month, the Thirst of the Screaming Gods Could Finally be Slaked http://t.co/fwfQljjHeR
Sun Dec 28 06:04:00 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged $1 Each Month, the Terms of the Old Pact Would Soon Be Satisfied http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Sun Dec 28 05:59:06 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Latvian Sources Warn of "Ultimate Worm"
Sun Dec 28 05:52:10 +0000 2014
\@rosefox Pillar Scientists: Light Pillars "Frequently Associated" with Oblate Spheroids, Witch Minerals
Sun Dec 28 05:47:21 +0000 2014
Any commentary, @approvednews6? RT @apod: Unusual Light Pillars over Latvia: http://t.co/24L0uWiEX4
— @rosefox
Sun Dec 28 05:47:10 +0000 2014
"How Many Have You Killed?" Intel CEO Begins Angry Rant When Asked For Comment on Company's 2015 Plans
Sun Dec 28 04:21:20 +0000 2014
"A Gruesome Tragedy:" Sources Estimate Over 47,000 Innocent Americans Nationwide Made Jolly During Christmas
Sun Dec 28 04:02:37 +0000 2014
Doctors Report "Record Number" of Chemical Burns, Heavy Metal Poisoning Cases
Sun Dec 28 03:59:51 +0000 2014
American Hospitals "Unprepared" to Treat All Christmas Victims; Prussian Blue Stocks Nationwide "Dangerously Low"
Sun Dec 28 03:56:21 +0000 2014
White House Releases National Christmas Death Toll Figures: 470,000 Americans Believed Dead, 950,000 Missing, 35,000,000 Injured
Sun Dec 28 03:52:08 +0000 2014
In Aftermath of Most Disastrous Christmas Since 1997, Sources Estimate Nearly 24% of Americans Homeless
Sun Dec 28 03:49:27 +0000 2014
"We Know Not What
Gov. Fallon
Plans:" Visibly Shaking Governor of Kansas Orders National Guard to Deploy Along Southern Border
Sun Dec 28 03:37:26 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Fog Obscuring Statewide Oklahoma "Construction" Beginning to Glow
Sun Dec 28 03:20:36 +0000 2014
Microsoft Fires All Employees Born in Michigan; Spokesman Refuses to Comment
Sun Dec 28 03:18:14 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Anonymous Sources Added: "Mwuahahahaha!"
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 28 03:14:20 +0000 2014
Psychology Experts: "Oh God, It's Getting Closer"
Sun Dec 28 03:14:10 +0000 2014
All Copies of Popular Children's Book "The Epsilon Paradigm" Mysteriously Vanish from 7 States; Illuminati Denies Responsibility
Sun Dec 28 03:11:26 +0000 2014
Anonymous Sources: "Soon We Will Have Our Vengeance"
Sun Dec 28 03:02:56 +0000 2014
Tomorrow at 8/7c: "
FRANTIC WARBLING
, [THUNDEROUS ROAR]: A 2014 Retrospective"
Sun Dec 28 02:44:44 +0000 2014
"Awful Radiance" of Chicago Orb "Continues to Grow;" Experts Baffled
Fri Dec 26 08:38:34 +0000 2014
"It's Time to be Tough on Crime:" Conservative Pundits Encourage "100% Incarceration Rate"
Fri Dec 26 08:19:02 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Christmas Preparations Begin Nationwide http://t.co/JdmM5QZAp8
Fri Dec 26 08:11:47 +0000 2014
SPONSORED: Millions of Americans Enjoy Traditional "Legnog" to Celebrate Survival of Christmas 2014
Fri Dec 26 05:03:58 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Obama Delivers "Emergency Christmas Address" http://t.co/0VaG3MvHLI
Thu Dec 25 23:44:25 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
JOINT CHRISTMAS DEFENSE FORCE MEDIA BLACKOUT LIFTED
Thu Dec 25 23:44:02 +0000 2014
This is Approved News 6 signing off. Merry Christmas to all, may you survive the nigh
BREAKING:
Sources Report Sightings o
END TRANSMISSION
Thu Dec 25 05:04:53 +0000 2014
NASA: North Pole Emission Spectra Indicate "Class 4" Christmas Event
Thu Dec 25 05:02:29 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
All Standing Stone Circles Will Be Out of Service for the Duration of Christmas Event
Thu Dec 25 05:01:44 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Will Cease All Broadcasting in Four Minutes to Comply with JCDF Anti-Contamination Directives
Thu Dec 25 05:00:52 +0000 2014
Thunderous "HO HO HO" Heard Worldwide Indicates North Pole Has Reached Stage 7; Nuclear Bombardment Commences
Thu Dec 25 05:00:08 +0000 2014
JFDC: Christmas Media Blackout to be Implemented at T+5 Minutes to Reduce Risk of Contamination
Thu Dec 25 04:55:57 +0000 2014
NORAD: American Bombers, Secret Nuclear Satellites "Ready to Begin Bombardment"
Thu Dec 25 04:55:00 +0000 2014
Joint Christmas Defense Force: Nuclear Suppression of North Pole to Begin in 7 Minutes
Thu Dec 25 04:53:42 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Illuminati Inner Council Last Seen Exiting Atmosphere at High Velocity
Thu Dec 25 04:49:15 +0000 2014
Gov. Kitzhaber: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword "Gamble With All Our Lives" in Rejection of Traditional Blood Sacrifice
Thu Dec 25 04:47:54 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor: Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon "Irresponsible" for Failure to Join Joint Christmas Defense Force
Thu Dec 25 04:46:55 +0000 2014
"No Human Blood Shall Be Spilled This Night:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Press Release Promising "Safety Without Sacrifice"
Thu Dec 25 04:46:09 +0000 2014
All Orbs Disappear Planetwide
Thu Dec 25 04:44:26 +0000 2014
Dread Forces of Deschutes National Forest Taking Up "Strategic Positions" Across Oregon
Thu Dec 25 04:41:51 +0000 2014
Terrible Warriors of Old Forest Dispersing Across Country
Thu Dec 25 04:41:14 +0000 2014
JCDF: All Families Without Christmas Trees to Burn Should "Seek Shelter Among Those Better Prepared"
Thu Dec 25 04:39:34 +0000 2014
"You Are Our Last Line of Defense:" Obama Addresses US Caroler Corps
Thu Dec 25 04:37:49 +0000 2014
Sources: JCDF, DNMB, & Deschutes Preparing "Septagon of Sorrow" Blood Rite In Case of Catastrophic Containment Failure
Thu Dec 25 04:35:20 +0000 2014
JCDF: All Restrictions on Bone Sorcery, Blood Magic to be "Loosened" for Duration of Christmas Event "In Interest of Survival"
Thu Dec 25 04:33:46 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Begins the Chant of Holly and Fire
Thu Dec 25 04:32:31 +0000 2014
Joint Christmas Defense Force: All "Yule Laws" Now in Full Effect, Replacing American Law for Duration of Event
Thu Dec 25 04:31:29 +0000 2014
Country's Tinsel Reserves "Stretched Thin" as Sacrificial Caste Nears Completion of City Heptagrams
Thu Dec 25 04:29:01 +0000 2014
In Traditional Bloodletting Ceremony, Obama Relinquishes All Authority to Joint Christmas Defense Force
Thu Dec 25 04:25:56 +0000 2014
With "A Grinding Heard The World Round," North Pole Progresses to Stage 6
Thu Dec 25 04:24:13 +0000 2014
Obama: Countdown to Coordinated Nuclear Strike on North Pole "Has Begun"
Thu Dec 25 02:42:30 +0000 2014
Sources: Seattle Disturbances Related to Recent Clinton Campaign Events, "Churning of the Underbeasts"
Wed Dec 24 20:50:34 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Any connection between ground disturbances in Seattle & 'immense subterranean robot' line-item in Council budget?
— @SpikyCaterpillr
Wed Dec 24 20:50:31 +0000 2014
WEATHER ADVISORY: All Areas Experiencing Blood-Orb Storms Advised to Ensure All Plumbing Undamaged, Paint Windows Red
Wed Dec 24 20:36:50 +0000 2014
Has @ApprovedNews6 reported on the Thunderstorms of Blood Orbs being predicted by Weather Channel? http://t.co/sKy21ASSYT
— @grumpybozo
Wed Dec 24 20:32:12 +0000 2014
Has @ApprovedNews6 reported on the Thunderstorms of Blood Orbs being predicted by Weather Channel? http://t.co/sKy21ASSYT
— @grumpybozo
Wed Dec 24 20:32:12 +0000 2014
Towns Nationwide Begin Traditional Christmas Astral Horror Rites, Sacrifices
Wed Dec 24 09:35:45 +0000 2014
Dread Cube Supporters Accuse Pro-Orb Activists of "Miscubism"
Wed Dec 24 09:34:59 +0000 2014
American Medical Association: Melarsoprol Side Effects, Including 5% Fatality Rate, "Far Preferable" to Fate of Those Judged Naughty
Wed Dec 24 09:19:18 +0000 2014
NASA: Pole Lights, Radio Emissions Now Overwhelming All Orbital Surveillance Equipment, Indicating Shift to Stage 5
Wed Dec 24 08:37:25 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents-Affiliated PoleWatch Reminds Children to Take "Necessary Christmas Precautions" http://t.co/HO1N1YIIOy
Wed Dec 24 04:51:14 +0000 2014
Obama Reassures Nation Chicago Orb "Nothing to Worry About" http://t.co/zolMbEbOe4
Wed Dec 24 03:42:38 +0000 2014
Obama Orders Orb Experts Airlifted to Chicago
Wed Dec 24 03:32:47 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
As Christmas Eve Approaches, Chicago Orb Begins Glowing Brightly
Wed Dec 24 03:31:39 +0000 2014
@PoarchDaniel @khymchanur
REMINDER:
The Chicago Orb Brings More Than Spiders
Wed Dec 24 00:48:27 +0000 2014
K.C. Parker's "Better Living Through Traumatic Brain Injury" Reaches #1 on Amazon Bestseller List
Tue Dec 23 23:50:58 +0000 2014
Sources: More And More Americans Taken Every Year by "Unearthly Jaws"
Tue Dec 23 20:20:03 +0000 2014
Department of Defense to Publish Booklet of "Emergency Tortures and When to Use Them"
Tue Dec 23 20:09:54 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Promises "Complete Cooperation" With Other Nuclear Powers During North Pole Suppression
Tue Dec 23 18:09:18 +0000 2014
POLEWATCH: Satellites Indicate Stage 4 Structures Emerging from Arctic Ice; UN Recommends Evacuation of Arctic Circle
Tue Dec 23 18:07:58 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
The Sky Flares Are There To Protect You. Failing to Genuflect During a Sky Flare Event May Lead to "Consequences"
Tue Dec 23 18:03:33 +0000 2014
Huge flare in the skies. @ChevronRichmond says it’s all good. Only @ApprovedNews6 can tell us the truth.
— @substitute
Tue Dec 23 18:02:31 +0000 2014
CHRISTMAS BOY IS OPERATING IN YOUR AREA http://t.co/v7EiUDneZa #christmas #oppression cc: @ApprovedNews6
— @substitute
Tue Dec 23 17:43:43 +0000 2014
C.M. Russell's "Naught Shall Sate Her Murderlust" Wins Newbery Award
Sat Dec 20 23:15:16 +0000 2014
In "Opening Salvo" of General Election, Clinton, Army of Underbeasts Obliterate 3 "Strongly Republican" Counties
Sat Dec 20 23:10:26 +0000 2014
Illuminati Reportedly Developing Weapons of Mass Redaction
Sat Dec 20 22:58:04 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Order All Citizens to "Prepare" for Possible North Pole Containment Failure
Thu Dec 18 20:38:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 DNBM Alert: Remove All Representation of Santa From Your Home. If Any of Them Are Smiling, Evacuate.
— @khymchanur
Thu Dec 18 06:58:51 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 DNMB Denies Rumors That Santa Has Acquired Bone Bombs
— @khymchanur
Thu Dec 18 06:10:28 +0000 2014
Obama: Bomber Squadrons Will Begin Thermonuclear Suppression December 24th
Wed Dec 17 23:43:42 +0000 2014
US Military Placed on Full Alert After Level 4 North Pole Event
Wed Dec 17 23:42:30 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 that explains the Curse Platforms being retasked to polar orbits. And people said they were a waste of good bones...
— @heretohinder
Wed Dec 17 22:42:37 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Begin Annual "Santa Threatwatch"
Wed Dec 17 22:39:37 +0000 2014
NASA: "Thousandfold Increase" in Activity at North Pole; Distortions Indicate Main Complex Has Entered Construction Phase
Wed Dec 17 22:37:50 +0000 2014
Obama Warns Americans to "Begin the Barricades" as Satellites Detect Massive Neutrino Emission from North Pole
Wed Dec 17 22:28:36 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Shopping Malls Have "Markedly" Increased Anti-Santa Security Measures
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 17 16:32:31 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Sources:
REDACTED
Wed Dec 17 08:40:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What about the existence of a supreme oblate spheroid?
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 17 08:40:18 +0000 2014
Illuminati Refuses to Comment on Rumors of "Supreme Orb"
Wed Dec 17 08:02:18 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
In 5-4 Decision, Supreme Court Rules Against Nationwide Astral Torment Ritual Ban
Wed Dec 17 07:57:30 +0000 2014
"He Deserved A Secret Fate:" Victims' Families Speak Out
Wed Dec 17 07:53:24 +0000 2014
Victims' Families "Outraged" as Captured Bone Heretic Leader Takes Plea Deal, Charges Reduced to "Misuse of Bones"
Wed Dec 17 07:52:22 +0000 2014
.@mcclure111
REMINDER:
It Will Soon Be Required
Wed Dec 17 07:08:35 +0000 2014
.@Capnsanity We Would Pay For Our Own Manacles, Were They Branded
— @mcclure111
Wed Dec 17 07:08:20 +0000 2014
@samsrabin Sources: Failure to Punish "Tree Crime" May Lead to Terrible Consequences
Wed Dec 17 06:14:29 +0000 2014
Duchess Kitty Piercy Denies Accusations of "Treating With The Enemy:" Eugene "Will Stand Strong" Against Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Wed Dec 17 04:22:39 +0000 2014
Bone Party Campaign Posters Appear Mysteriously Across Nation http://t.co/PIdZ1zrqsG
Tue Dec 16 23:53:27 +0000 2014
Leading Democrats: Bone Party Has "Neglected Blood Policy," Offered No Stance on "The Great Undoing"
Tue Dec 16 23:13:07 +0000 2014
Bone Party to "Crucify in Effigy" Seven Democratic Officials for Secret Reasons
Tue Dec 16 23:09:46 +0000 2014
Sources: American Ammunition Manufacturers Sold More than 7 Million "Ennui Rounds" to Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament in 2014
Tue Dec 16 23:03:40 +0000 2014
GOP: Curse Studies "Waste of Taxpayer Biomass" Better Used to "Support the Troops"
Tue Dec 16 23:00:28 +0000 2014
Curse Scientists Call for Funding of "Large
REDACTED
Collider" to Test for Existence of Seventh Great Curse
Tue Dec 16 22:56:15 +0000 2014
Scream Council Endorses Republican National Scream Police Bill
Tue Dec 16 22:44:31 +0000 2014
Republicans Call for Creation of National Scream Police
Tue Dec 16 22:44:05 +0000 2014
Industry Sources Question Sony's Commitment to Teeth, Nightmares
Tue Dec 16 22:41:10 +0000 2014
Experts Blame Recent Increase in Space Crime on "Tricky Witches"
Tue Dec 16 22:07:40 +0000 2014
Crime Scientists Warn of "Infracrime"
Tue Dec 16 21:59:49 +0000 2014
VA Cyberczar Arrested, Charged with Infocrime
Tue Dec 16 21:50:55 +0000 2014
Director Delauncey Reportedly "Confident" Advanced Compliance Techniques "Will Eventually Double" Efficiency, Mortality
Tue Dec 16 02:05:34 +0000 2014
Depts. of Labor, Obedience to Collaborate in Development of Advanced Compliance Techniques; Maine Forced Labor Zone Director "Enthusiastic"
Tue Dec 16 02:02:00 +0000 2014
House Approves Funding for Research, Development of "Advanced Compliance Techniques"
Mon Dec 15 21:01:23 +0000 2014
1760 - Further studies of electricity banned by royal decree due to continued deaths of natural philosophers and rumors of "storm witches."
— @ThePatanoiac
Mon Dec 15 01:59:01 +0000 2014
Activists Call for Ban on Vampires Entering Homes Without Warrant
Sun Dec 14 10:16:16 +0000 2014
SOURCES CONFIRM: "They Have Betrayed Us"
Sun Dec 14 01:47:17 +0000 2014
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: Have They Betrayed Us?
Sat Dec 13 03:03:56 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 California Farmers to Use New Strain of Drought Resistant Shrieking Oranges
— @khymchanur
Thu Dec 11 01:01:27 +0000 2014
"We Cannot Stop Smiling," "What is Happening to Us": Ford Employees Stage Nationwide Strike
Tue Dec 09 04:47:50 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Cabbies claim streets "whisper dark truths" to "keepers of the Old Ways", downplay role of blood rites http://t.co/Zj5cEKkntU
— @_gtank
Tue Dec 09 04:38:28 +0000 2014
.@rosefox Dept. of Obedience: "There is Only Christmas," "There Will Only Ever Be Christmas," "Nothing Can Save You"
Tue Dec 09 03:33:24 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What's the Christmas/Chanukah shopping quota exchange rate?
— @rosefox
Tue Dec 09 03:32:42 +0000 2014
White House: Citizens Failing to Meet Christmas Shopping Quotas Will Face "Harsh Penalties"
Tue Dec 09 03:25:36 +0000 2014
White House Press Secretary Warns Americans All Christmas Shopping Quotas Will Face "Extra Scrutiny"
Tue Dec 09 03:24:34 +0000 2014
Fire at Milwaukee DoomPlex Kills 7
Tue Dec 09 02:05:14 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 REMINDER: Drawing Smiley Faces on Orbs is a Class One Heresy.
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 08 22:29:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 In tonight's weather, Ireland tipping into the Great North Atlantic Void, look for cold winds and bottomless Atlantean pit
— @3fingeredfox
Mon Dec 08 22:22:57 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Wait, nevermind. Turns out the Earth is an oblate spheroid: https://t.co/fQloArItm8
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 08 22:15:13 +0000 2014
.@Skeletonsrights Experts: Then It Is "Already Too Late"
Mon Dec 08 19:07:01 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 what if you already are a skeleton?
— @Skeletonsrights
Mon Dec 08 19:07:00 +0000 2014
Hundreds Suffering Acute Doom Poisoning in Wake of Widespread Illuminati Use of Secret Wisdom Against Police Hives
Mon Dec 08 18:57:02 +0000 2014
Libertarian Party to Fund "A Nuke in Every Home" Second-Amendment Initiative
Mon Dec 08 18:54:19 +0000 2014
.@Skeletonsrights
REMINDER:
Visions of Roving Skeletons "Class IX Portent," And Must Be Reported to Your Local Circle of Standing Stones
Mon Dec 08 18:50:38 +0000 2014
After Months of Debate, Senate Passes SB 275 "Opinion Confidence Act" Outlawing "Excessive Mind-Changing"
Mon Dec 08 18:49:50 +0000 2014
.@wademcgillis MIT Dept. of Orb Science Cites "Inner Harmonics" Restricting Maximum Orb Diameter
Mon Dec 08 18:46:48 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Any Purported Orb Greater Than 474cm in Diameter Is Not An Orb, And Should Not Be Trusted
Mon Dec 08 18:43:09 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Is the Earth an Orb? What about the Moon?
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 08 18:43:07 +0000 2014
.@3fingeredfox Illuminati Denies Responsibility
Mon Dec 08 18:27:14 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 ADVERTISEMENT: McDonald's hamburgers: made from genuine flesh mine waste!
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 08 08:09:56 +0000 2014
Enormous Flaming Skull Mounted Atop U.S. Treasury Building Criticized as "Waste of Tax Dollars" by Republicans
Mon Dec 08 00:13:01 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Worldwide Association of Evil Overlords Condemns Minister of Finance. "His Clichéd Words Show He Has No Sense of Style."
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 07 23:20:09 +0000 2014
French Police: Minister of Finance Likely Intended to "Devour Souls" of "Entire Population of Europe," Gain "Infinite Power"
Sun Dec 07 23:13:58 +0000 2014
French Minister of Finance: "My Godhood is Nigh," "You Cannot Stop Me"
Sun Dec 07 23:11:58 +0000 2014
French Minister of Finance Arrested After Revelations of "Secret Campaign" of "Ritual Genocide"
Sun Dec 07 23:10:24 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Conspiracy Theorists: Accusation Just a Cover For Development of Epistemological Weapons
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 07 22:58:38 +0000 2014
D.C.: Outbreaks of Pun Poisoning Raise Fears of Media Infiltration by Treacherous Ex-Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen
Sun Dec 07 22:53:42 +0000 2014
American Heresy Watch Labeled "Right-Wing Hate Group" by Southern Contamination Law Center
Sun Dec 07 22:45:24 +0000 2014
Anti-Proliferation Activists Accuse US of "Hypocrisy" in Stockpiling Ontological Weapons
Sun Dec 07 22:41:49 +0000 2014
Russia: "High Probability" North Korea Has "Successfully Detonated An Ontological Device"
Sun Dec 07 22:40:23 +0000 2014
Obama Condemns North Korea for Developing "Weapons of Mass
REDACTED
," Calls for Sanctions
Sun Dec 07 22:36:12 +0000 2014
North Korea Accused of Violating Ban on Ontological Weapons
Sun Dec 07 22:34:34 +0000 2014
"The Last Thing We Need Right Now Is Another War:" Citing "Methodological Issues" with Curse Study, Obama Calls for "Calm"
Sun Dec 07 22:32:58 +0000 2014
Citing Existence of 7th Great Curse, Republicans Call for "All Out War" Against Unspecified "Enemy"
Sun Dec 07 22:28:44 +0000 2014
Eschatologists Criticize "Academic Rigor" of Paper Claiming Existence of 7th Great Curse, Demand "Extensive Peer Review"
Sun Dec 07 22:27:51 +0000 2014
OPINION:
Existence of Seventh Great Curse Indicates "High Probability" World Will Suffer "The Great Undoing"
Sun Dec 07 22:20:55 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
CURSE SCIENTISTS CONFIRM EXISTENCE OF SEVENTH GREAT CURSE
Sun Dec 07 22:17:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Dept. of Justice Sources: Silent Letters "Deeply Suspicious", "Under Investigation".
— @khymchanur
Sun Dec 07 08:49:38 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Newslords Announce "Fundraising Tour" http://t.co/WJ3zhtL2qm
Sat Dec 06 23:51:11 +0000 2014
After "Untold Hours" of Negotiation, Obama Labels Bone Cavern Summit "Resounding Success," Announces "Treaty of the Flesh"
Sat Dec 06 23:06:01 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Pressed for Comment, Fairy Queen Reminds Public Fairies "Do Not Exist" "Have Never Existed"
Sat Dec 06 23:03:22 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Newly Forbidden: Clapping For Fairies, Non-Stick Pans
— @khymchanur
Sat Dec 06 23:02:29 +0000 2014
Allegedly "Approved" News Source Commits "Egregious" Security Breach by Admitting Existence of American Classification System
Sat Dec 06 21:38:49 +0000 2014
Do not ask what your country can do for you. That information is classified.
— @ApprovedNews7
Sat Dec 06 21:37:01 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Report All Heretical Activity to Your Local Circle of Standing Stones
Sat Dec 06 21:32:25 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Orb Scientists: Omniscient Fox Orb "False Orb," "Oblate Spheroid," "Not to be Trusted"
Sat Dec 06 21:08:11 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Slavering Police Representatives Reassure Americans "Entire Country" Remains Police State
Sat Dec 06 06:06:50 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/1zyCbEM4Ik
— @khymchanur
Sat Dec 06 06:06:16 +0000 2014
Biologists: Pain, Anguish Most "Ecologically Friendly" Sensations
Sat Dec 06 02:23:29 +0000 2014
don't care what you do in private but it's disgusting to see McCartney Praising the Orb so publicly http://t.co/IY3TGLIl7j
— @direlog
Fri Dec 05 22:07:33 +0000 2014
DOO Officials Direct Loyal Citizens to "Full-Resolution Link" http://t.co/PsHsPgujWK
Fri Dec 05 21:52:02 +0000 2014
.@taffer Dept. of Obedience Releases "Internal" Wallpaper for "Public Use" http://t.co/VPWQgt5DF2
Fri Dec 05 21:49:39 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Anonymous Sources: "What Does This Button Do?"
— @khymchanur
Fri Dec 05 21:41:11 +0000 2014
New Studies Cast Doubt on Link Between Stone Hoarding, Heresy
Fri Dec 05 09:32:37 +0000 2014
Ideas that can change the world: Blood
— @mcclure111
Fri Dec 05 06:26:22 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Apologizes for "Website Outage," Blames "Tricky Witches"
Fri Dec 05 00:30:03 +0000 2014
@rosefox @ApprovedNews6 your web difficulties are no excuse for disobedience
— @3fingeredfox
Fri Dec 05 00:27:05 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 I went to http://t.co/RGm1OJxOHy and it says the site is not available! How can I comply?
— @rosefox
Fri Dec 05 00:25:19 +0000 2014
http://t.co/fK4rM0UREP
Fri Dec 05 00:22:42 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
If All Viewers Pledged $2 Each Month, The Procedures Could Still Be Reversed http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Thu Dec 04 23:36:33 +0000 2014
As Illuminati Attacks Wind Down, Experts Estimate Overall American Police Biomass Reduced by "Over 50%"
Thu Dec 04 22:51:08 +0000 2014
Sleep Scientists Blame "Great Arizona Sleep Curse" on "Tricky Witches"
Thu Dec 04 22:50:09 +0000 2014
People in Arizona spend about 25 years of their life sleeping.
— @UberFactsEbooks
Thu Dec 04 22:49:05 +0000 2014
Three Cities Evacuated as Toxic Fumes from Congealing Police Exoskeletons Threaten Wellbeing of Citizens
Thu Dec 04 09:32:32 +0000 2014
Obama Expresses "Sympathy," Reminds Public Illuminati Edicts "Can No Longer Be Disobeyed"
Thu Dec 04 09:23:40 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Denounce "Anti-American" Hive Burnings, Demand "Immediate Action" from Obama
Thu Dec 04 09:22:51 +0000 2014
"They Must Be Culled:" Illuminati Secretary-General Yoor Claims Responsibility for Police Hive Burnings, Promises "It Has Only Begun"
Thu Dec 04 09:20:54 +0000 2014
Sources: Black Helicopters Believed Associated with Illuminati "Assaulting Police Hives;" Witnesses Report "Widespread Use" of Secret Wisdom
Thu Dec 04 09:17:55 +0000 2014
Police Sources: 500-Gravity Crushing Spheres "Vital" for Crowd Control
Wed Dec 03 23:08:40 +0000 2014
Justice Advocates Defend Police Use of Crushing Spheres, Bonethreshers
Wed Dec 03 22:42:04 +0000 2014
Police Scientists: Multiple Subspecies Rely on "Blood of Underclasses" to Reproduce
Wed Dec 03 22:07:15 +0000 2014
Police Hives Nationwide Greet Ruling With "Relief," Flesh Feasts
Wed Dec 03 22:05:36 +0000 2014
Judge: "Absolutely Essential" That Law Enforcement Have "Every Tool Available" to Cultivate "Atmosphere of Terror"
Wed Dec 03 22:04:15 +0000 2014
"A Victory for the Values that Made This Country Great:" Loyal Citizens Rejoice as Court Affirms Police May Execute Minorities "Summarily"
Wed Dec 03 22:02:26 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Kerry Asserts Putin "Is a Squirrel Whisperer", "Eats Bananas Backwards"
— @khymchanur
Wed Dec 03 21:07:29 +0000 2014
In Grassroots Effort, Loyal Citizens Call for Ban on "Unpatriotic Emotions"
Wed Dec 03 18:29:54 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6? RT @zerohedge: Obama unhappy with "undertone of pessimism" - time to legislate optimism as only allowed feeling
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Dec 03 18:25:05 +0000 2014
General Electric Recalls All Mark IV Threshing Chambers Due to "Unacceptably Low" Fatality Rate
Wed Dec 03 08:43:42 +0000 2014
Forced Labor Zone Director Delauncey: Any Citizens with Information on NEC Bombings Will Be "Richly Rewarded"
Wed Dec 03 08:34:43 +0000 2014
Maine Forced Labor Zone In Chaos After "Terrorist" Bombing of 7 Nociceptive Enforcement Centers
Wed Dec 03 08:29:15 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Pledges to Approved News Sources May Be Deducted For Purpose of Sleep Ration Point Calculation http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Wed Dec 03 08:26:02 +0000 2014
Concerned Citizens Voice "Dismay" Over "Changing Times," "Disrespect" For "The Old Ways"
Wed Dec 03 06:23:51 +0000 2014
LRT...gotta wonder in this day and age what the world is coming to when a murderer's brain isn't safe in its own jar. @ApprovedNews6
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Dec 03 06:23:25 +0000 2014
About 100 brains missing from University of Texas collection; clock tower sniper's may be among them: http://t.co/ngyy3vqp82
— @AP
Wed Dec 03 06:08:56 +0000 2014
Labor Sec'y: Forced Labor Zones "Vital" to Freedom, Security of American People; Gulags "Oppressive"
Wed Dec 03 02:43:35 +0000 2014
Federal Dept. of Labor Issues Statement Reminding Press Forced Labor Zones "Should Not Be Referred To As 'Gulags'"
Wed Dec 03 02:39:27 +0000 2014
D.C. Harrowing Grounds Re-Opened After Traditional Blooding Ceremony
Wed Dec 03 00:52:07 +0000 2014
Dems, GOP Reach Compromise, Allow Vote on 2014 Stone Hoarding Act
Wed Dec 03 00:40:31 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on Vasilyeva Threat, Putin Asserts Kerry "Cause of Proton Decay," "Notorious Wine Thief"
Tue Dec 02 23:53:53 +0000 2014
"I Will Not Repeat My Mistake:" Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Vows To "Annihilate" Putin "In Most Gruesome Manner Possible"
Tue Dec 02 23:45:14 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "A Menace to World's Crawfish Population," "Artistically Unsubtle;" Must Be "Utterly Destroyed"
Tue Dec 02 23:40:43 +0000 2014
Putin Releases Press Statement Accusing John Kerry of "Pandering to Eels," "Inciting Flatulence"
Tue Dec 02 23:35:57 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
PUTIN ESCAPES MAXIMUM-SECURITY GULAG, JOINS COUNTER-RUSSIAN FORCES IN UKRAINE
Tue Dec 02 23:34:01 +0000 2014
Residents Near Oklahoma Border Report "Brightly-Colored Caravans" Bearing Massive Black Spheres Into State
Tue Dec 02 23:10:23 +0000 2014
Dept. of Obedience Reminds Americans Men Without Eyes "A Natural Part" of "The Process"
Tue Dec 02 23:04:52 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on House Piercey Statement, Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens Reiterates Commitment to "Unending Crusade"
Tue Dec 02 22:53:37 +0000 2014
Duchess Kitty Piercey Reaffirms "Strong Commitment" to Repulse "Any Attempt" By Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword to Take Willamette Valley
Tue Dec 02 22:49:25 +0000 2014
"Their Strength Will Soon Be Needed:" Oregon Gov. Kitzhaber Declares Willamette Valley Fief of House Piercey, Angering Contenders
Tue Dec 02 22:35:43 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Texas Gov. Davis fires Grand Strangler
Tue Dec 02 21:16:25 +0000 2014
Bribery Scandal Rocks Texas Department of Strangling
Tue Dec 02 18:42:21 +0000 2014
Oracle Corporation Under Investigation for "Cheating at State Lottery" Through "Precognition"
Tue Dec 02 18:05:20 +0000 2014
Religious Leaders: Sacrificial Castes Must Be Kept "At Least 50 Miles" From All Electronics, Representative Artwork To Prevent "Certain Doom"
Tue Dec 02 18:02:50 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews7 Ostensibly "Approved" News Source's Claims of Somatic Treachery Dismissed By All Reputable Deception Scientists
Tue Dec 02 06:25:12 +0000 2014
The heart is deceptive. Disregard its heresies.
— @ApprovedNews7
Tue Dec 02 06:24:51 +0000 2014
Modern Language Association: Gendered Pronouns Must Be "Phased Out" To Avoid "Widespread Contamination"
Tue Dec 02 06:15:08 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Bone Party: Obama Still Hasn't Released His "True Form Birth Certificate"
— @khymchanur
Tue Dec 02 06:10:17 +0000 2014
Oklahoma Construction: Entire State Now Obscured By "Unearthly Mist," Causing Significant Flight Delays
Tue Dec 02 05:39:45 +0000 2014
Doom Scientists: 70% of "True Forms" Go Undetected "Until It Is Far Too Late"
Tue Dec 02 05:27:36 +0000 2014
Beloved Children's Author Jedidiah Witherspoon Reveals True Form, Obliterates Spokane, WA
Tue Dec 02 05:22:07 +0000 2014
Asked to Outline GOP Teleportation Policy, Romney Wipes Minds of Seven Reporters, Reveals "Terrible Wisdom" To Each of Remaining Four
Tue Dec 02 05:03:17 +0000 2014
"Please Let Us Die," "Please End Our Suffering:" Boston Disaster Survivors Comment on DOT Teleportation Policy Review
Tue Dec 02 04:57:45 +0000 2014
Dept. of Transportation to Review Teleportation Restrictions in Wake of Boston Disaster
Tue Dec 02 04:54:10 +0000 2014
TOMORROW AT 8/7c: 7 Things You Never Knew About Them, And Will Wish You Could Forget
Tue Dec 02 04:50:12 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
CURSE SCIENTISTS CONFIRM EXISTENCE OF SIXTH GREAT CURSE
Tue Dec 02 04:48:08 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Citing "Budget Cuts," Oregon's TriMet to Discontinue Commuter Rail Service to Bleeding Lands, Heart of Desolation
Tue Dec 02 04:46:53 +0000 2014
Americans For Traditional Torments Condemns Non-Lethal Execution
Tue Dec 02 04:40:01 +0000 2014
Conspiracy Correspondent Dr. Ángela Portillo Hints at "Hidden Purpose" Behind Arrest of Popular Children's Writer Jedidiah Witherspoon
Tue Dec 02 03:07:46 +0000 2014
Sources: If Convicted of Shoplifting Charges, Author Jedidiah Witherspoon "Will Likely Face" Death Penalty
Tue Dec 02 03:05:53 +0000 2014
"A Generation in Shock:" Author of Beloved Children's Book "Kneel Before the Terrorthrone" Arrested for Shoplifting
Tue Dec 02 03:03:33 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Republicans: Salamanders are "Un-American". "Why Don't They Use The Forsaken Tongue of the Leech Hives?"
— @khymchanur
Tue Dec 02 02:32:16 +0000 2014
Democratic National Committee Releases Cryptic Statement in Cursed Tongue of the Salamanders
Tue Dec 02 01:21:19 +0000 2014
Bone Party Calls for "Return to the Cleaving Times"
Tue Dec 02 01:19:18 +0000 2014
Asked for Opinion on "Non-Lethal Execution," Clinton Holds Aloft Ancient Bronze Scimitar, Chants Seven Terrible Names
Tue Dec 02 01:16:12 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Democrats: Romney Has Conflict Of Interests Due To Investments In "Lethal Life-Saving Medical Devices" Companies
— @khymchanur
Tue Dec 02 01:12:12 +0000 2014
Romney Suggests "Non-Lethal Execution" As "Bipartisan" Alternative to Death Penalty
Tue Dec 02 01:08:44 +0000 2014
DRM-Free Medicine Advocates Publish "Conclusive Disproof" of Claims Wetware Piracy Leading Cause of Contamination
Mon Dec 01 22:53:06 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Denies Allegations of Dakota Dreadlands "Cubespawn"
Mon Dec 01 22:32:07 +0000 2014
Critics: Rapid Lead Infusion Therapy of "Proven Benefit" For Many Other Conditions, Including "Eternal Agony," Stage 1 Contamination
Mon Dec 01 09:22:51 +0000 2014
FDA Approves Experimental "Rapid Lead Infusion" Therapy For "The Terminally Unpleasant"
Mon Dec 01 09:18:37 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Smithsonian Orb Security System To Employ Forsaken, Not Forbidden, Runes. We Regret The Error.
Mon Dec 01 09:06:31 +0000 2014
Smithsonian Director: Any Burglars To Evade Orb's "Natural Defenses" Will "Suffer Endlessly" In Web of Forbidden Runes
Mon Dec 01 09:05:36 +0000 2014
Smithsonian Announces Eternal Pain Orb "Once Again On Display", Now Employing Forbidden Knowledge-Based Security Systems to Deter Theft
Mon Dec 01 09:02:56 +0000 2014
Alleged "Approved News Source" Offers Insight Into Dept. of Obedience "World Compliance Initiative"
Mon Dec 01 08:55:07 +0000 2014
Hopes and aspirations may be inspected at any time.
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Dec 01 08:54:06 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Dakota dreadlands exploration teams claim encounter with "cubespawn"
Mon Dec 01 08:30:42 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Swamp Scientists: Forsaken Swamp Villages "Important Source" of "Ancient Scrolls," "Hidden Wisdom"
Mon Dec 01 05:19:22 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Huh, I would think that forsaken swamp villages would be worse.
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 01 05:19:20 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Huh, I would think that forsaken swamp villages would be worse.
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 01 05:19:20 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Contamination Scientists: Contamination Prevention "Most Common Vector" for Contamination, After "Forsaken Mountain Villages"
Mon Dec 01 05:16:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Advice On Avoiding Contamination Is Frequently Contaminated. Advise Children Not To Listen To Contamination Advice.
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 01 05:14:37 +0000 2014
Children "Must Be Shielded" From "Terrible Truth" of Bone Heresy: Concerned Parents Condemn Own Youth Outreach Program
Mon Dec 01 04:29:18 +0000 2014
TOMORROW AT 8: How to Talk to Your Kids About Contamination
Mon Dec 01 04:27:59 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Learn This One Weird Trick, Discovered By A Mom, To Survive A Direct Nuclear Strike.
— @khymchanur
Mon Dec 01 01:20:00 +0000 2014
SPECIAL COVERAGE: 10 Everyday Things You Won't Believe Can't Be Dealt With Using A Massive Nuclear Strike, 9/8c
Sun Nov 30 00:33:33 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 REMINDER: Heretical Shopping Methods Contribute To Contamination. Shop Only Using Approved Methods.
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 29 20:12:36 +0000 2014
Portent Activists: NPAA "Single Largest Donor" to Republican Congressional Candidates
Sat Nov 29 18:45:34 +0000 2014
Illuminati v.
REDACTED
: Forsaken Court Dismisses Case As "Inscrutable"
Sat Nov 29 18:43:02 +0000 2014
Contamination Containment Specialists Reportedly Facing "Enormous Backlog" in Wake of Black Friday
Sat Nov 29 18:36:43 +0000 2014
"A Serious Blow to the Free Market": Nightmare Property Association of America Expresses "Deep Disappointment" With Supreme Court Decision
Sat Nov 29 18:32:14 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur
REMINDER:
All Citizens With Minus-Type Souls Must Report Immediately for Summary Incineration
Sat Nov 29 18:25:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Does that apply to both minus and plus F-Types?
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 29 18:25:17 +0000 2014
Supreme Court Rules Nightmares "Public Domain" Under 1989 Portents Act
Sat Nov 29 18:23:00 +0000 2014
Surgeon General: Americans With F-Type Souls Should Avoid "Unwholesome Desires," Many Types of Orb
Sat Nov 29 18:21:12 +0000 2014
Pronouncements from Shadowy "Approved" News Source Provoke "Intense Debate" From Thoughtcrime Community
Fri Nov 28 08:04:19 +0000 2014
You will be held responsible for the content of your dreams.
— @ApprovedNews7
Fri Nov 28 08:02:37 +0000 2014
Ohio Governor Declares "Festival of Knives"
Fri Nov 28 08:01:00 +0000 2014
US Mint Announce New, More Terrifying Form of US Currency
Fri Nov 28 07:46:56 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Whispering Forbidden Names May Draw the Engines
Fri Nov 28 06:26:36 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Pardoned War Criminal Protests Pardon: "Do You Have Any Idea How Many Millions I Had To Slaughter To Get That Conviction?"
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 28 03:35:47 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Show Your Gratitude to Approved News Sources With a "Monthly Pledge" http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Thu Nov 27 22:17:16 +0000 2014
Obama to Commemorate Genocide Day With Traditional Pardoning of International War Criminal
Thu Nov 27 19:59:59 +0000 2014
Genocide Day Poll: Which of the Seven Great Crimes Against Humanity is Your Favorite?
Thu Nov 27 19:58:34 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on THE INCIDENT, Intel Spokesperson Gnashes Teeth Wildly, Dissipates Into "Thick Fog"
Thu Nov 27 19:51:30 +0000 2014
Democrats Accuse GOP of "Politicizing" Orbs
Thu Nov 27 19:49:13 +0000 2014
Federal Task Force Investigating Intel Reports "Portentous" New Evidence Regarding THE INCIDENT
Thu Nov 27 19:47:51 +0000 2014
New Study: Unconsecrated Meats May Cause Heresy in Lab Rats
Thu Nov 27 18:53:31 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 How To Talk To Your Bone Party Uncle About Orbs This Thanksgiving.
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 26 17:40:33 +0000 2014
Experts: Americans Must "Appease the Crime Gods"
Tue Nov 25 22:00:26 +0000 2014
Crime Scientists: 2014 Marks "Unprecedented Rise" in Cyberheresy, Ultracrime
Tue Nov 25 21:59:44 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Condemn "Police Violence," Vow to Exterminate All Police Hives in Controlled Territory
Tue Nov 25 18:44:41 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Call on Obama Administration to Prepare "Nuclear Strike" in Event of Ferguson "Heresy Containment Failure"
Tue Nov 25 18:42:27 +0000 2014
Ferguson: Underclasses Reportedly "Bleeding on Officials," Raising Biological Weapons Concerns
Tue Nov 25 18:37:06 +0000 2014
In Wake of Widespread Concern, Ferguson Police Spokesdrone Reassures Public Minority Suppression Measures Will Be "Effective"
Tue Nov 25 18:33:36 +0000 2014
APA: U.S. Reaching Record Number of Patients Suffering Doom-Related Disorders
Mon Nov 24 06:46:27 +0000 2014
In Wake of Widespread Anti-Sun Protests, Democrats Accuse Republicans of "Astroturfing"
Mon Nov 24 05:27:39 +0000 2014
Dept. of Obedience Refuses to Comment on Fate of Disappeared Ukrainian-American Citizens
Mon Nov 24 05:23:27 +0000 2014
Men Without Eyes Cease Silent Pursuit of Ukrainian-Americans
Mon Nov 24 05:11:27 +0000 2014
MIT Dept. of Despair Confirms "It Is All Hopeless"
Mon Nov 24 05:09:33 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Texas national guard reports "no evidence" of Contamination, Smithsonian's stolen Eternal Pain Orb "recovered"
Mon Nov 24 05:04:05 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Filth Scientists: Connection "Unlikely," But "Cannot Yet
Be
Ruled Out"
Mon Nov 24 05:00:42 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Do "filth spheres" have any relation to Orbs?
— @khymchanur
Mon Nov 24 05:00:40 +0000 2014
Pressed on Contamination Response Readiness, Texas State Police Remind Citizens Love "Inextricable" from Loss
Mon Nov 24 04:59:23 +0000 2014
Texas Governor "Will Not Hesitate" to Deploy National Guard to Implement Procedure 7 in Contaminated Areas," Calls Police "Useless"
Mon Nov 24 04:57:17 +0000 2014
Texas State Police Warn of Potential Contamination Outbreak, Recommends Citizens "Better Selves," Take Up "Basket Weaving"
Mon Nov 24 04:55:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Interior Dept. of Anonymous Sources Disclaims Responsibility for Warning
— @khymchanur
Mon Nov 24 04:52:15 +0000 2014
Anonymous Dept. of Interior Source Warns of "Filth Spheres"
Mon Nov 24 04:47:22 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur DNMB: Bone Heresy "Heresy Beyond Heresies," Blood Heresy "
REDACTED
"
Sun Nov 23 17:14:00 +0000 2014
Sources: It Has Begun
Sun Nov 23 17:08:09 +0000 2014
PDX Police Report Sightings of "Most Terrible Sigil"
Sun Nov 23 05:41:56 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Claims Credit for Posting Ukraine's Bail
Sun Nov 23 05:14:25 +0000 2014
ACLU: Forsaken-Amendment Rites May Attract The Attention of "Those Whose Attention Is Better Left Unattracted," Must Remain "Last Resort"
Sun Nov 23 05:09:26 +0000 2014
ACLU Lawyers Remind Americans To Keep In Mind "Important Distinction" Between Forsaken-Amendments Rights, Forsaken-Amendment Rites
Sun Nov 23 05:06:40 +0000 2014
Pressed on Terms of Bail, President Poroshenko of Ukraine Turns "Deathly Pale," Urgently Presses Finger to Lips
Sun Nov 23 05:05:11 +0000 2014
Ukraine Released on Bail
Sun Nov 23 05:02:42 +0000 2014
Pressed on Astral Torment Rituals, Obama Whistles Tunelessly As Exact Replicas of Reporters' Families Descend on Press Room
Sun Nov 23 04:59:45 +0000 2014
Analysts: Current Supreme Court Would "Likely Overturn" Prohibitions Against Astral Torment Rituals Nationwide
Sun Nov 23 04:58:00 +0000 2014
ACLU: Bans on Astral Torment Rituals A "Clear Violation of Our Forsaken-Amendment Rights"
Sun Nov 23 04:55:16 +0000 2014
ACLU To Defend Texas Man Accused of Multiple Attempts to Commit Astral Torment Ritual Against Obama
Sun Nov 23 04:53:45 +0000 2014
Congress Votes to Declare Orb Theft "Level 4 Heresy"
Sun Nov 23 04:45:56 +0000 2014
Approved News Source Reaches "Dread Number" of Viewers; News Oracles: Significance "Unclear" http://t.co/ugnC0HFqnM
Sun Nov 23 04:27:54 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Warns of Potential "Orb Heresy"
Sun Nov 23 03:40:41 +0000 2014
Obama: Republicans Should "Moderate" Pain Orb Rhetoric; Eternal Pain Orb "One of America's Greatest Treasures," "A Secret Beyond Secrets"
Sun Nov 23 03:20:50 +0000 2014
Republicans Condemn Smithsonian for "Capitulating" to Terrorists, Demand "Hard Line" on "Orb Theft"
Sun Nov 23 03:16:44 +0000 2014
Smithsonian To Offer "No Question Asked" $1,000,000 Reward for Return of Stolen Eternal Pain Orb
Sun Nov 23 03:14:58 +0000 2014
Sources: Sun "Under Maintenance," Will Be "Out of Service" on Mondays
Fri Nov 21 05:55:40 +0000 2014
Concerned Citizens Criticize Pain Citadels for "Wasteful" Use of Meat Slabs, Will Be Remembered
Fri Nov 21 02:22:54 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Well why don't they used recycled meat slabs?
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 21 02:21:48 +0000 2014
Adobe Granted Trademark on Number 5, Open-Math Activists Promise "Legal Challenges"
Fri Nov 21 00:25:16 +0000 2014
UN: Donjeta Wanted for "Multiple Counts" of Negligent Genocide, Conspiracy to Commit Dread Rites
Thu Nov 20 23:52:25 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Deposed Albanian Bonelord, convicted bone heretic Donjeta the Despoiler captured in Venezuela after 30-year international manhunt
Thu Nov 20 23:48:14 +0000 2014
Tower of Numberless Devils Revealed as Hoax
Thu Nov 20 17:01:10 +0000 2014
Pain King: Price of Meat Slabs "Serious Concern" for Pain Citadels
Thu Nov 20 01:04:34 +0000 2014
Economists Blame Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword For Rising Cost of Meat Slabs
Thu Nov 20 01:02:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/U3f8fEcBcg
— @mcclure111
Thu Nov 20 00:28:34 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 10 Warning Signs That You Might Be Harboring a Terrorist Skeleton Inside Your Body.
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 19 06:12:26 +0000 2014
7 Members of William Shakespeare Resurrection Society Arrested For Bone Heresy, Unlicensed Necromancy
Mon Nov 17 00:11:01 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Anonymous Sources: "Look Out Behind You!"
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 16 20:14:17 +0000 2014
A goat and handcuffs were delivered to J. W. McCall yesterday, just in time for the initiations next week. MS1905
— @TweetsofOld
Sun Nov 16 01:48:00 +0000 2014
"NUNC CONGRUENS EST - FELIX ESNE:" Accused of "Poor Design Choices," Sister Vindicta Soaks Blue Banner in Blood of P.R. Expert
Sun Nov 16 00:56:48 +0000 2014
PR Experts: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Must Present "Consistent Color Scheme" to "Promote Brand Identity"
Sun Nov 16 00:53:03 +0000 2014
Flaming Skull Motif Again Replaces All Instances of U.S. Treasury Logo
Sun Nov 16 00:45:46 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Criticized for "Wordy," "Brutalist" Propaganda Posters http://t.co/G3wIQQEqWh
Sat Nov 15 22:03:33 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Archive Offers Full Historical Context for Blood-Soaked Maidens, Many Things Beside http://t.co/cWfQe6cg2f
Sat Nov 15 20:29:47 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News Sources Rely on Monthly Funding from "Viewers" Like "You" http://t.co/01CYIKBGO2
Sat Nov 15 20:25:28 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on "Maidens of Endless Iron Spire," Sister Vindicta Offers "Sanctuary," "Purpose" to "Any Defectors"
Sat Nov 15 20:23:58 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Laud "Maidens of Endless Iron Spire" For Reinforcing "Proper Gender Roles," "Patriotism of American Women"
Sat Nov 15 20:18:49 +0000 2014
Treasonous Ex-Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen To Take Over Administration of Washington Territories From "Provisional Juntas"
Sat Nov 15 20:13:10 +0000 2014
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announces Annexed Washington Territories to be Renamed "Halvorsonia"
Sat Nov 15 20:10:45 +0000 2014
Obama Calls on Washingtonians to "Stand Strong" in Face of "Invasion;" Recommends Maidens of Endless Iron Spire as "Patriotic Alternative"
Sat Nov 15 20:09:19 +0000 2014
Obama: "All Members of My Administration" Will Be "Thoroughly Investigated" For Any Connection to Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Sat Nov 15 20:07:36 +0000 2014
Dr. Ángela Portillo: "Long History" Exists Between Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown, Treacherous Ex-Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen
Sat Nov 15 20:06:05 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Welcomes Associate Professor in Conspiracy Studies Dr. Ángela Portillo to Editorial Staff
Sat Nov 15 20:05:02 +0000 2014
Sandoval Thanks Blood-Soaked Maidens for Rescue, "Enlightenment;" Warns "The Old Ways" Have Become "Insufficient"
Sat Nov 15 19:58:27 +0000 2014
Ex-Secretary of Eternity, Condemned Bone Heretic Ian Sandoval Releases First Press Statement Since Rescue From D.C. Frying Chambers
Sat Nov 15 19:55:54 +0000 2014
Samsung Releases Highly-Anticipated "Thought Phone," Credits Intel "Forsaken Bridge" Processor for Unspecified "Features"
Sat Nov 15 19:52:35 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Anonymous palace sources allege "secret meeting" between Regent, Empress Torquist on night of disappearance
Sat Nov 15 19:47:44 +0000 2014
ASHEN ISLES OF PAIN & LAMENT: Discontent Grows Over Regent Torquist's "Apparent Disinterest" in Restoring Empress Vivian Torquist to Throne
Sat Nov 15 19:45:22 +0000 2014
@khymchanur
REMINDER:
Such Phenomena Indicate Likely Contamination
Sat Nov 15 19:22:00 +0000 2014
Witch Experts: Lack of Federal Funding for Counter-Witch Research "Distressing," "Deeply Suspicious"
Sat Nov 15 19:19:33 +0000 2014
Accused of "Gross Incompetence," Smithsonian Director Blames Security Failures on "Tricky Witches"
Sat Nov 15 19:15:56 +0000 2014
In Midst of National Orb Controversy, Smithsonian Reports Eternal Pain Orb "Has Been Stolen"
Sat Nov 15 19:14:51 +0000 2014
Department of Homeland Security Warns of "Impending Cybercrisis"
Sat Nov 15 06:01:51 +0000 2014
.@pookleblinky Orb Scientists: Spider Orbs "Well Attested;" Other Orb Types Remain "Purely Theoretical"
Sat Nov 15 00:46:59 +0000 2014
The existence of person orbs implies other types of orbs: cat orbs, dog orbs, spider orbs, bear orbs, etc.
— @pookleblinky
Sat Nov 15 00:46:27 +0000 2014
Target Announces It Will No Longer Sell Consumer-Grade Spider Orbs
Sat Nov 15 00:44:40 +0000 2014
Dept. of Justice: "Unlicensed Orbs" Will Not Be Tolerated
Sat Nov 15 00:36:22 +0000 2014
lack is like spiders since they are both hungry
— @is_like_a
Fri Nov 14 06:09:33 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 L.A. Cultists Deny Using Chanting Enhancing Drugs, Claim Drinking Spider Protein Shakes Cause False-Positives in Tests
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 14 06:09:20 +0000 2014
Anonymous Sources Warn Blocking of Internet Could Hamper "Vital Efforts" of Nation's Bullies
Fri Nov 14 05:12:53 +0000 2014
.@mcclure111 Concerned Parents, Dept. of Obedience Laud "Grassroots Effort" to Remove Prominent Source of "Noncompliance"
Fri Nov 14 05:11:42 +0000 2014
#blocktheinternet
— @mcclure111
Fri Nov 14 05:11:06 +0000 2014
.@TheStrangeLog Change Condemned by Farmers Nationwide
Thu Nov 13 21:10:54 +0000 2014
Farmer's mouths no longer stretch.
— @TheStrangeLog
Thu Nov 13 21:10:08 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Contamination Experts: Report Immediately to Your Local Circle of Standing Stones
Wed Nov 12 21:38:18 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What should I, a loyal citizen, do if I suspect I've become contaminated?
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 12 21:38:08 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur
REMINDER:
Itchy Soul Common Symptom of Contamination
Wed Nov 12 16:50:07 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Side effects include: wandering shadow, itchy soul, spontaneous redactions, and hostile reflections.
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 12 11:21:26 +0000 2014
.@Still_A_Threat Department of Obedience: Mass Mindscanning "Purely Preventative"
Wed Nov 12 08:22:16 +0000 2014
Municipally-approved Mass Mindscanning is still a threat!
— @Still_A_Threat
Wed Nov 12 08:16:59 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 MIT Biologists: "It LIVES!!"
— @khymchanur
Tue Nov 11 23:50:57 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 President Honors Veterans of the Void Wars. At the Ceremony, Obama said: "[hissing static]".
— @khymchanur
Tue Nov 11 23:50:50 +0000 2014
General Electric To Build New Arizona "Cyberprison"
Tue Nov 11 06:02:33 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Publish Annual List of Words Deemed "Dangerous" for "Children"
Tue Nov 11 05:29:06 +0000 2014
DOJ Officials Refuse to Comment on @ApprovedNews7, Whispering Only "Deception"
Tue Nov 11 04:27:06 +0000 2014
VA cyberczar's cybervow to streamline the cybermaze is met with cyberhope, cyberskepticism
— @cyberprefixer
Tue Nov 11 03:00:20 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council to Implement "Strategic Moss Reserve"
Tue Nov 11 02:08:09 +0000 2014
Portland, OR's TriMet Officials: "Bleed," "Bleed, Damn You"
Tue Nov 11 01:59:05 +0000 2014
Republicans Call For "Preemptive Strike" Against Strongholds of Existence
Tue Nov 11 01:57:30 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews7 Newslords Reiterate Value of Unbiased, Accurate, Approved News
Tue Nov 11 01:10:45 +0000 2014
Sen. XL333012 (R-FL) Proposes "Across-the-Board" Kill-Switch Ban
Tue Nov 11 00:22:49 +0000 2014
"Too Many Spiders:" Democratic Leadership Condemns Sen. Mitch McConnell
Tue Nov 11 00:22:07 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Need to check something: Are they sacrificing to the awful god of death, or the god of awful deaths?
— @President_Ark
Tue Nov 11 00:13:14 +0000 2014
@President_Ark Press Release "Unclear," "Poorly Spelled"
Tue Nov 11 00:12:01 +0000 2014
Cleveland Cultists Issue Press Release Denying "Any Relationship" With Ohio Bone Cult
Tue Nov 11 00:09:49 +0000 2014
Cult Critics Reportedly "Hysterical" as Ohio Bone Cultists Threaten to "Sacrifice Hundreds" to "Awful Death God"
Tue Nov 11 00:08:53 +0000 2014
Contamination Experts: Approved News 5 "Seemingly Distressed" At Emergence of @ApprovedNews7
Tue Nov 11 00:04:32 +0000 2014
Nebraska: Local Sources Cite Thanatovore Infestations as Evidence of Active Nixonite Bone Cult
Tue Nov 11 00:02:54 +0000 2014
Anonymous Sources: "Send Help"
Mon Nov 10 23:56:37 +0000 2014
Experts: Old Forest Storm "Stable For The Time," But Portends "Many Ancient Things"
Mon Nov 10 23:36:58 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Refuses to Comment on Old Forest Weather Patterns
Mon Nov 10 23:35:37 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Scream Council Condemns @ApprovedNews7 for "Anti-Scream Propaganda"
Mon Nov 10 23:29:25 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Shocking Breakdown in Relations Between Department of Obedience and Scream Council
— @khymchanur
Mon Nov 10 23:28:20 +0000 2014
.@jonathanprior
REMINDER:
Approved News 5 Should Be Considered Contaminated
Mon Nov 10 23:26:58 +0000 2014
Approved News 7 Denies Allegations of Flesh Impurity
Mon Nov 10 23:20:38 +0000 2014
.@jonathanprior @ApprovedNews6 The flesh will remain pure. To do otherwise is incorrect.
— @ApprovedNews7
Mon Nov 10 23:19:58 +0000 2014
Pressed on "Purpose" of @ApprovedNews7, Dept. of Obedience Spokesman Gives "Stern Look," Walks Silently Away
Mon Nov 10 23:17:54 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Police Swarms "Slowly Dispersing"
Mon Nov 10 23:15:29 +0000 2014
Men Without Eyes Departing National Mall "As Quickly As They Came"
Mon Nov 10 23:13:04 +0000 2014
D.C. Sources: Treaty Between Departments of Justice, Obedience Stipulates Creation of @ApprovedNews7
Mon Nov 10 23:02:28 +0000 2014
"Peace on the Mall:" Forces Dispersing as Obama Announces Treaty Between Departments of Justice, Obedience
Mon Nov 10 22:48:41 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Obama forces negotiations between secretaries of Justice, Obedience
Mon Nov 10 22:47:33 +0000 2014
NEWSLINK: Senate Parliamentarian Missing, Presumed Contaminated In Wake of June Queenspawn Scandal http://t.co/dCveQJn8Cv
Mon Nov 10 22:45:14 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report "Silent Standoff" Between Obama, DOJ, & DOO
Mon Nov 10 22:43:16 +0000 2014
Mitt Romney Condemns Obama for "Politicizing" Departments of Justice, Obedience
Mon Nov 10 22:42:28 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Obama, Missing Senate Parliamentarian Witnessed Taking Up Position Between Police Swarms, Men Without Eyes
Mon Nov 10 22:38:31 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Witnesses report "at least seven hundred" men without eyes advancing through National Mall
Mon Nov 10 22:34:56 +0000 2014
\@mts_outbound MIT: Course Numbers "Retired" After Students Banned in 1947
Mon Nov 10 22:34:06 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What course number is Paleometeorology, anyway? Or is it one of the Hidden Integers?
— @mts_outbound
Mon Nov 10 22:34:04 +0000 2014
Secretary of Obedience: Attorney General "Disobedient," "Will Kneel"
Mon Nov 10 22:27:44 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Vast Numbers of Police Congregating Outside Dept. of Justice Headquarters
Mon Nov 10 22:26:36 +0000 2014
Obama Condemns "Interdepartmental Squabbling," Promises "The Cleansing Stone"
Mon Nov 10 22:23:29 +0000 2014
Dept. of Justice Declares War on Dept. of Obedience
Mon Nov 10 22:22:46 +0000 2014
Obama Promises to Veto Any Flesh-Mining Bill Lacking "Strong Protections" for Empyrean Ecosystems
Mon Nov 10 22:18:47 +0000 2014
Oklahoma Sources: "It Is Nearly Complete"
Mon Nov 10 22:14:16 +0000 2014
Questioned on Old Forest Activity, MIT Dean of Paleometeorology Turns Suddenly Pale, Climbs MIT "Wall of Sorrow"
Mon Nov 10 22:04:38 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Storm begins gathering over Old Forest "as in the Before Times"
Mon Nov 10 22:01:43 +0000 2014
Pressed on Significance of New Republican Vote Chant, Mitt Romney Silently Removes Tongues of Seven Reporters
Mon Nov 10 21:58:13 +0000 2014
Senate Republicans Witnessed Rhythmically, Repeatedly Chanting Word "WHORE" While Casting Votes; C-SPAN: Significance "Unclear"
Mon Nov 10 21:56:26 +0000 2014
Citing Red Cross Condemnation, UN Calls for "United Struggle" Against Existence
Mon Nov 10 21:52:32 +0000 2014
Red Cross: Existence Responsible for "Nearly 100%" of Unnecessary Human Suffering
Mon Nov 10 21:50:43 +0000 2014
Red Cross Condemns Existence
Mon Nov 10 21:48:18 +0000 2014
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 When asked for clarification, DNMB executives chanted rhythmically, "NO LAW BUT THE HUNT. NO LAW BUT THE HUNT."
— @izini_kal
Mon Nov 10 21:47:12 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 DNMB Announcement: [REDACTED] Hunting Season Opens Tomorrow: "They Know the Ways. They Know Your Name. They Know Hunger."
— @khymchanur
Mon Nov 10 21:37:31 +0000 2014
.@pookleblinky
REMINDER:
Loyal Citizens Should Familiarize Selves With Local Telepathy Ordinances, As Regulations Vary By State, County
Mon Nov 10 06:31:33 +0000 2014
There ain't no rule that says a dog can't telepathically terrorize a community with nightly blasts of unspeakable dread and horror
— @pookleblinky
Mon Nov 10 06:29:50 +0000 2014
Food Activists Call For "Organic DRM"
Sun Nov 09 22:13:26 +0000 2014
D.C. Harrowing Grounds to Re-Open "Imminently"
Sun Nov 09 22:11:38 +0000 2014
Biologists: Police Mating Season "Mercifully Reaching Its End"
Sun Nov 09 22:05:02 +0000 2014
Forsaken Party Promises to "Expand" Weather Patterns
Sun Nov 09 21:57:11 +0000 2014
Experts: 2014 Shows "7.4% Increase" in Eternal Blood Wars Since 1987
Sun Nov 09 21:52:09 +0000 2014
House Leadership: National Agony Day "An Important Bipartisan Display"
Sun Nov 09 21:41:42 +0000 2014
@rzodkiewki Newslords Promise "Further Updates" As Events Become Approved
Sun Nov 09 21:40:38 +0000 2014
Activists Condemn Illuminati's Drugging of the Unthinkable Senate
Sun Nov 09 21:39:31 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News Shortage
Sun Nov 09 21:37:09 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Drug company Pfizer announces new billowing control medication. Co. spox, "Side effects best not thought about."
— @derwolfanwalt
Sun Nov 09 02:30:53 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 MIT Director: "We Fully Comply with the Honesty in Witchcraft Act of 1997"
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 09 02:30:49 +0000 2014
Forsaken Party Spokesman: "
UNCONTROLLABLE BILLOWING
"
Sun Nov 09 00:44:35 +0000 2014
MIT Director of Witch Sciences Denies Allegations of "Tricky Witchcraft"
Sun Nov 09 00:03:41 +0000 2014
California State Police Warn Any Citizens to Approach Apple Expo Will Be "
RAUCOUS BELLOWING
" for Public Safety
Sun Nov 09 00:02:46 +0000 2014
CALIFORNIA: Witnesses Report "Naked, Shambling Hordes" Drawing "Ever Closer" to Ongoing Apple Expo, Bearing "Offerings"
Sun Nov 09 00:01:37 +0000 2014
MIT Witch Science Department Accused of Employing "Tricky Witches"
Sat Nov 08 23:54:49 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 "When I was growing up, we didn't have any of the iTorment nonsense."
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 08 23:28:28 +0000 2014
Americans for Traditional Torments Endorse Bone Party Presidential Candidate
Sat Nov 08 22:14:20 +0000 2014
Americans for Traditional Torments Endorse Bone Party Presidential Candidate
Sat Nov 08 22:14:20 +0000 2014
Sphere Activists Condemn Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor As "Out of Touch"
Sat Nov 08 22:07:56 +0000 2014
Illumnati Warns of "The Oblate Spheroid:" "It Is Not An Orb," "It Is Not Your Friend"
Sat Nov 08 22:05:00 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Annual "My God, What Have I Done?" Awards Ceremony Postponed Due to Wombat Flu Outbreak
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 07 07:06:03 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Anonymous Sources: "Only the Weasels Can Save Us Now."
— @khymchanur
Fri Nov 07 01:13:59 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Claim "Sexually Tricky Diseases" Much Worse Than Ordinary STDs
— @khymchanur
Thu Nov 06 07:20:33 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Demand "Strong Measures" to Protect "Impressionable Youth" from "Witch Sex"
Thu Nov 06 04:42:01 +0000 2014
Senate Votes to Lift Ban on Tubes
Thu Nov 06 01:38:51 +0000 2014
"VERITAS LUX NOSTRA EST:" Blood Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Refuse Extradition Request for Ex-MIT Political Science Professors
Thu Nov 06 00:11:50 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
MIT Political Science Department to be "Permanently Disbanded," All Professors Investigated for "Heresy"
Thu Nov 06 00:08:17 +0000 2014
"We Have Found the Vice President:" MIT Political Science Department Issues Press Release
Thu Nov 06 00:07:36 +0000 2014
Illuminati Announces Completion of New Planet
Thu Nov 06 00:04:44 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Turnout Among Dreamcrab, Leech Hives Reportedly "Unprecedented"
Wed Nov 05 19:23:17 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Midterm Election Voter Turnout at All-Time High Amongst Bags of Snakes Demographic.
— @khymchanur
Wed Nov 05 06:22:45 +0000 2014
Maine Forced Labor Zone to "Phase In" Electrocution Harnesses
Tue Nov 04 18:52:32 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Offer Washington State "Final Chance" to Surrender
Tue Nov 04 18:51:39 +0000 2014
#MyAmazonWishList: Do-It-Yourself Standing Stones; My Life as a [REDACTED]; an orb made of living spiders @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Mon Nov 03 19:03:47 +0000 2014
Anti-Orb Activists to Protest Chicago Orb
Sun Nov 02 23:01:28 +0000 2014
Orb Enthusiasts Downplay MIT Dept. of Spider Science Claims: "The Orb Brings Prosperity," "The Orb Brings Joy," "The Orb Must Be"
Sun Nov 02 21:34:07 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur MIT Spider Scientists Warn Chicago Orb "May Be Responsible"
Sun Nov 02 21:25:14 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 http://t.co/18Y1e9VyLc
— @khymchanur
Sun Nov 02 21:24:22 +0000 2014
Scream Council to Hold Annual Scream-Tasting Contest Early
Sun Nov 02 07:50:46 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Needs Your Pledges to Repair, Rebuild, & Avenge After the Halloween "Event" http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Sun Nov 02 06:34:09 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Announces "Festival of Whispers" to Celebrate "Coming of the Ashtide"
Sun Nov 02 01:38:44 +0000 2014
Citing Oracle Corporation Pronouncements, Obama Calls on "All Americans" to Prepare for "The Unthinkable"
Sat Nov 01 23:50:22 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Oracle Confirms "Nothing Can be Done" to "Prevent It"
Sat Nov 01 23:47:17 +0000 2014
Oracle Corporation Reports Two American Citizens Will Soon "Do the Unthinkable"
Sat Nov 01 23:44:18 +0000 2014
Senate Votes to Establish "National Strategic Bone Reserve"
Sat Nov 01 23:39:38 +0000 2014
Washington Sources: Canadian Refugees Joining Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword "En Masse"
Sat Nov 01 23:29:38 +0000 2014
"The Darkness is Encroaching:" Director of Homeland Security Calls on Obama to Reinforce Northern Border With Army Troops, Bone Sorceries
Sat Nov 01 23:22:48 +0000 2014
Men Without Eyes Reportedly "Silently Pursuing" All Americans of Ukrainian Decent
Sat Nov 01 23:13:27 +0000 2014
Pressed on Still-Growing Apple Expo, Fate of Absorbed Communities, & THE FOUNDRY, Obama Randomly Reassigns Reporters' Genders
Sat Nov 01 23:06:57 +0000 2014
Obama Names Apple CEO Tim Cook "Herald of the New Time" for "Excellence in Job Creation;" Dozens Feared Dead
Sat Nov 01 23:02:28 +0000 2014
Asked for Translation of Ukraine Statement, Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Rings "Tuneless" Silver Bell, Fills Room with Fallen Leaves
Sat Nov 01 23:00:15 +0000 2014
In "Rare Bipartisan Display," Bone Party, Forsaken Party to Undertake Joint Ritual of Placation
Sat Nov 01 22:54:37 +0000 2014
Russia Demands Ukraine be Returned to Its Custody; God-Empress Vasilyeva Reportedly to Formally Request Extradition
Sat Nov 01 22:52:30 +0000 2014
MIT Experts Date Forbidden Lands Ukraine Statement to "The Before Times"
Sat Nov 01 22:49:29 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Issues Statement on Ukraine in Indecipherable Script
Sat Nov 01 22:48:44 +0000 2014
Obama Condemns Arrest of Ukraine
Sat Nov 01 22:44:49 +0000 2014
Ukraine Arrested
Sat Nov 01 22:25:42 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Chemtrail Sprayers Union Goes on Strike, Demands "Better Working Conditions", "Higher Quality Orbs"
— @khymchanur
Sat Nov 01 21:49:30 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Warn of "Teen Blood Violence"
Sat Nov 01 02:37:41 +0000 2014
DEPT. OF NECROMANCY, MUTILATION, & BLOOD RITUALS: HALLOWEEN NEWS BLACKOUT TO IMPLEMENTED EARLY DUE TO "UNPREDICTED EMISSIONS"
Fri Oct 31 22:30:46 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Federal Department of Howling and Moaning: "Unlicensed Gibbering on the Rise"
— @khymchanur
Fri Oct 31 06:03:36 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 The National Society for Oh My God What *IS* That Thing Run and Save Yourselves Oh God No No No No No: join today!
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 30 17:53:13 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
REDACTED
http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Thu Oct 30 05:01:00 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 RT: National Agony Day https://t.co/3wHn2ypnHM
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 30 04:31:53 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Pff. Just a few years ago they warned of a Great Convergence! These alarmist scientists are all in the pocket of Big Amulet.
— @mts_outbound
Thu Oct 30 03:07:10 +0000 2014
MIT Curse Theorists Warn Existence of Seventh Great Curse Could Herald "The Great Undoing"
Wed Oct 29 22:44:04 +0000 2014
Portland, TriMet Authorities Deny Rumors of MAX "Ultraviolet" Line
Wed Oct 29 08:34:25 +0000 2014
Citing "Recent Developments," Curse Scientists Posit Existence of Sixth, Seventh Great Curses
Tue Oct 28 23:50:08 +0000 2014
\@SomethingAsmora Rune, Safety Experts Warn Safety From Forbidden Runes "Beyond Our Greatest Sciences"
Tue Oct 28 21:19:05 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Probably a good idea to avert one's gaze from anything bearing any forsaken or forbidden runes, no? Just to be safe?
— @SomethingAsmora
Tue Oct 28 21:09:10 +0000 2014
Florida Man Discovers Fifth Great Curse
Tue Oct 28 18:07:13 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 #BoneGate: it's about honesty in rituals, not about the shadow people who hide under your beds.
— @khymchanur
Tue Oct 28 09:30:47 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: DNMB Sources Report Citizens Should Avert Eyes From All Semi Trucks Bearing Third Forsaken, Not Forbidden, Rune
Tue Oct 28 07:42:42 +0000 2014
As Americans Nationwide Begin Preparations for Halloween, Citizens Reminded to Avert Eyes From All Semi Trucks Bearing Third Forbidden Rune
Tue Oct 28 07:42:04 +0000 2014
@tom_forsyth Sources: "No."
Mon Oct 27 05:00:51 +0000 2014
New Study: “It Shouldn’t Have Just Moved Like That”
Mon Oct 27 02:44:17 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Conspiracy Theorists: Walmart Secretly Hoarding Banana Bones for Use in Sinister Fruit Heresies
— @khymchanur
Sun Oct 26 21:39:49 +0000 2014
Walmart To Begin De-Boning Bananas, Apples; Natural Food Activists "Outraged"
Sun Oct 26 20:41:36 +0000 2014
"@undeadmolly: Ask your pharmacist about HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA. http://t.co/uRV6ZTJwz1" @hottestsingles @ApprovedNews6 wut
— @fearnow
Sun Oct 26 06:22:24 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Citizens call on Sec. Of Atmosphere to increase air rations, citing “densest Miasma yet”
— @samsrabin
Sun Oct 26 04:15:04 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Miners Trapped in News Mines Claim Surroundings Whisper Of "Approved News 0"
— @khymchanur
Sat Oct 25 20:43:05 +0000 2014
Newslords Offer "Profound Regrets" for News Shortage; Promise News Mines "To Reopen Soon"
Sat Oct 25 01:17:58 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: During Harrowing Grounds Closure, Citizens May Carry Out Rituals in "Any Metro Platform"
Fri Oct 24 05:53:49 +0000 2014
Furniture Retailers Warn Contamination "Gathers in Crevices;" All Furniture Should Be "Flush With Walls"
Fri Oct 24 05:45:05 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Announces Preparations "Underway" to Avert Fourth Bonewraith Rampage
Thu Oct 23 06:55:27 +0000 2014
Sources: All Contact Lost with Gov. Brown After Entering Flint Center, "Never Reestablished"
Thu Oct 23 04:31:28 +0000 2014
California to Hold "Special Election" to Replace Missing Governor
Thu Oct 23 04:30:54 +0000 2014
Republicans Filibuster 2014 Stone Hoarding Act
Thu Oct 23 04:28:51 +0000 2014
Satellite Footage Shows Apple Flint Center Expo Now Covering 300 Square Miles
Thu Oct 23 04:26:50 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Maintains Full News Archives, Certified Uncontaminated Monthly http://t.co/8VH2suSKme
Thu Oct 23 04:25:41 +0000 2014
Bone Experts: Contamination "Has Decreased Nearly 4%" Nationwide Since "Dawning of the New Time;" D.C. Sources Credit THE FOUNDRY
Thu Oct 23 04:24:01 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Next Approved Pledge Goal Only $40 Away, Will Dramatically Improve Coverage, Briefly Sate News Hounds http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Thu Oct 23 03:23:26 +0000 2014
Approved News Source Reaches First Funding Milestone; Newslords Offer Intercepted Illuminati Propaganda as "Tribute" http://t.co/qq35tJvMUQ
Thu Oct 23 03:13:03 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur MIT Firmly Denies Existence of Deceit Department
Thu Oct 23 02:09:47 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Appeasement Scientists Offer Firstborn Children to MIT Deceit Department, Asking Only That Their Lives Be Spared
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 23 02:09:45 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur MIT Deceit Scientists Warn Appeasement Studies "Pseudoscience," Self-Proclaimed Experts Likely to be "Charlatans," "Eel Men"
Thu Oct 23 01:20:22 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Asked How to Satiate Hunger of Angry Clowns, Appeasement Scientists Howl and Gibber
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 23 01:20:14 +0000 2014
@derwolfanwalt @mjordanlichens Deschutes Dark Secretary Assures Oregonians Clowns "Top Priority," Second Only to "Contamination"
Wed Oct 22 20:53:03 +0000 2014
Historic D.C. Harrowing Grounds Closed for Yearly Maintenance
Wed Oct 22 18:12:51 +0000 2014
.@wranduin
REMINDER:
All Unapproved News Sources Must Be Carefully Monitored At All Times for Signs of Contamination
Wed Oct 22 18:09:13 +0000 2014
when you follow @ApprovedNews6 it's weird seeing unapproved news on your twitter feed
— @wranduin
Wed Oct 22 18:07:53 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Mayor Rahm Emmanuel Warns Any Clowns to Have Escaped 1974 Purge Likely to be "Angry," "Hungry"
Wed Oct 22 18:02:53 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Downtown Chicago Shut down Due to Clown Sighting
— @khymchanur
Wed Oct 22 18:01:01 +0000 2014
Seven Virginia Men Drowned In "Wacky Mix-Up" During Blood Drive
Wed Oct 22 08:20:04 +0000 2014
Pressed For Comment, "Gov. Fallin" Remarks Only That "The Construction" Will Make Oklahoma "Greater"; Hundreds Believed Dead
Wed Oct 22 08:17:56 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Entity Believed To Have Once, In Some Sense, Been Gov. Fallin of Oklahoma Manifests in NBC Offices
Wed Oct 22 08:16:10 +0000 2014
Citing Climate Fluctuations, Unusual Clouds, Conspiracy Theorists Claim Google, Illuminati Involved in Oklahoma "Construction"
Wed Oct 22 08:14:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 When pressed, employees mutter incoherently about EULA, and the near - legal blood pacts written in by Illuminati lawyers.
— @Azraith
Wed Oct 22 08:13:10 +0000 2014
Questioned, Google Spokesman Begins to Sob "Uncontrollably"
Wed Oct 22 04:18:58 +0000 2014
Stumbling Google Employees Seen Bearing Massive Black Spheres from Google Offices, Clothes "Tattered, Bloody"
Wed Oct 22 04:18:03 +0000 2014
@listelian Astral Security Experts Recommend "Soulprint-Based Authentication"
Tue Oct 21 18:16:05 +0000 2014
Surgeon General Urges All Americans to Carry List of Favorite Organs "At All Times"
Tue Oct 21 16:27:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 In Accordance with State Sunshine Laws, All Arizona Govt. Meetings to Be Held in Sand-Wastes under Blazing Desert Sun.
— @khymchanur
Mon Oct 20 20:13:28 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report "Cloaked, Whispering" Figures Sealing Google Office Doors with "Fly Paste"
Mon Oct 20 19:03:54 +0000 2014
Badly Injured Survivors Report Brief Sightings of Oklahoma Governor
Mon Oct 20 07:23:05 +0000 2014
Marijuana Growers Condemn Illuminati's Drugging of Water Supplies as "Anticompetitive Behavior"
Sun Oct 19 20:04:25 +0000 2014
.@ousire Sources: Life "Ephemeral;" Disappearance Possible At "Any Time"
Sun Oct 19 19:30:12 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 do we have any assurances that we won't disappear as well during the visit?
— @ousire
Sun Oct 19 19:30:09 +0000 2014
Department of Obedience To Offer 40% Loyalty Point Discount for Visits to Disappeared Relatives
Sun Oct 19 17:19:01 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Witnesses Report Solemn Men in Brightly-Colored Body Armor Now Carrying "Enormous Spools of Wire" into Google Offices
Sun Oct 19 00:25:49 +0000 2014
Due To "Insufficient Tithes," Connecticut Elementary Schools Warn Underperforming Students May Face "The Knives and Shadows"
Sun Oct 19 00:19:50 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 During Police Molting Season Bring Shed Skins to Your Local Circle of Standing Stones for Bonus Loyalty Points
— @khymchanur
Sun Oct 19 00:12:28 +0000 2014
.@cruiseshipdip Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Reportedly "Jubilant" At Schism Among "Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler"
Sat Oct 18 20:25:15 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Cleveland westside cultists reject DC protests citing tainted omens, marchers' lax adherence to burnt oaths.
— @cruiseshipdip
Sat Oct 18 20:25:03 +0000 2014
Climatologists: Average Temperatures in States Neighboring Oklahoma Consistently Dropping 4 Degrees Each Week
Sat Oct 18 19:45:26 +0000 2014
Oklahoma "Construction" Begins to Disrupt Weather Patterns
Sat Oct 18 19:42:50 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report "Massive Convoy" of Unmarked Trucks Outside Google Offices Unloading "Barrels of Glue"
Sat Oct 18 19:42:01 +0000 2014
Activists Condemn White House, Old Forest for "Ignoring The Mad Minority," Demand Fleshpriest Inclusion in Bone Cavern Summit
Sat Oct 18 19:13:12 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Does Mr. Obama not realize his actions will likely invoke the ire of the Flesh Priest Commonwealth? Perhaps not.
— @heavyvoxel
Sat Oct 18 19:11:43 +0000 2014
East Oregon Sources: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword to be Represented at Bone Cavern Summit by Woman in Red Cloak & Oaken Crown
Sat Oct 18 19:09:06 +0000 2014
Pressed for "Progress" in Search for Missing Empress, Regent Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament Reports Efforts "Ongoing"
Sat Oct 18 19:07:11 +0000 2014
Obama: At Insistence of Deschutes Dark Secretary, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword to be Included in Bone Cavern Summit
Sat Oct 18 19:04:13 +0000 2014
Cleveland Cultists Announce Intent to March on Washington, Citing "Secret Demands"
Sat Oct 18 19:03:10 +0000 2014
Sources: Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva, Most Trusted Bone Sorcerers to Arrive at Bone Caverns by "Secret Tunnels"
Sat Oct 18 19:00:41 +0000 2014
Illuminati Releases, Immediately Suppresses Statement Condemning Obama for Exclusion from Bone Cavern Summit
Sat Oct 18 18:59:21 +0000 2014
Newslords: If "All AN6 Viewers" Pledged $1 Each Month, The Hostages Would Be Returned "Mostly Intact" http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Fri Oct 17 21:36:31 +0000 2014
Activists Accuse DNMB of "Harassing" Innocent Bone Sorcerers, Blood Sages; Call for Creation of "National Bone Enforcement Agency"
Fri Oct 17 21:33:56 +0000 2014
@whump CA Officials Blame "Tricky Witches," Deny Allegations of "Forbidden Sciences"
Fri Oct 17 20:56:48 +0000 2014
Transit Experts: In "Marked Decrease" from 2013, Only 7% of Buses, Trains Nationwide Have "Vanished" For Any Significant Period of Time
Fri Oct 17 20:43:38 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Earlier reports implied OR's LTD serves only Eugene area. LTD also serves "other places," "darker places." We regret the error.
Fri Oct 17 20:39:52 +0000 2014
Eugene, OR's Lane Transit District: Passengers Have "Nothing to Fear" from "Excess Biomass" on Seats; "The Problem Usually Resolves Itself"
Fri Oct 17 20:33:30 +0000 2014
Florida Man Accused of Electrocuting 17 Plumbers Claims Self-Defense
Fri Oct 17 08:53:23 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Fear Scientists: "Best Practice" to "Fear Indiscriminately"
Fri Oct 17 01:14:41 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Which ones should I be more afraid of?
— @khymchanur
Fri Oct 17 01:14:37 +0000 2014
FCC Fines Ambient Astral Forces for "Unlicensed Whispers"
Thu Oct 16 05:29:29 +0000 2014
AFL-CIO Relents on Ritualized Electrocution of Underperforming Workers
Thu Oct 16 05:25:46 +0000 2014
Deschutes, Old Forest Sign "Dread Pact" Determining Complete Bone Fugue Schedule for 2014-2015
Thu Oct 16 05:25:01 +0000 2014
.@DanMcFlan MIT Abyss Scientists: The Abyss "Should Be Forgotten," Lest "Its Embrace Claim Us All"
Thu Oct 16 05:14:59 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 tired of all this news about bone heresy, whatever happened to the abyss?
— @DanMcFlan
Thu Oct 16 05:14:55 +0000 2014
http://t.co/VaX3pTuUcc Claims Nearly 60% of American Families Bear "Some Legacy" of Bone Heresy, Blood Crimes
Thu Oct 16 05:08:17 +0000 2014
Scream Council Issues Advisory: "Enticing Screams" Likely To Be Trap for "Creatures of the Blood," "Small Children"
Thu Oct 16 05:03:52 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Issues Shadow Proclamation Offering "Clemency" to Repentant Thought Criminals
Thu Oct 16 04:54:41 +0000 2014
Oregon: Lane County Flamethrower Brigade Reports "Unseasonable" Manifestations of Corpse Mountains
Thu Oct 16 04:52:56 +0000 2014
Author of Bestselling Childrens' Book "Glory In Your Pollution" Convicted of Bone Heresy, Sentenced to Secret Fate
Thu Oct 16 04:48:43 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews6 Amazon Counters Accusations of "Brain Wave Harvesting," Says Kindle Software Update "Almost Entirely Benign"
— @rosefox
Thu Oct 16 04:42:32 +0000 2014
Bone Party Releases First Presidential Campaign Ads, All Depicting Naked Man Gnawing Frantically on Femur for Four Minutes
Thu Oct 16 04:41:18 +0000 2014
"We Do Not Know Where They Come From, Nor Do We Wish To:" Amtrak Officials Profess "Complete Ignorance" of Dark Trains
Thu Oct 16 04:36:31 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Viewer Pledges to Approved News Sources May Lead to Leniency for Disappeared Relatives http://t.co/ExT7NsaBiy
Thu Oct 16 04:34:06 +0000 2014
Oregon Dept. of Fish & Wildlife Reports Mass Snake Migration
Thu Oct 16 04:31:02 +0000 2014
Sources: After Record Two-Year Absence, Hawaii Reappears "As Thought It Had Never Gone"
Thu Oct 16 04:29:51 +0000 2014
Hawaii Reappears
Thu Oct 16 04:28:35 +0000 2014
@khymchanur Major Video Game Studios Refuse to Comment on Concerned Parents' Endorsement
Thu Oct 16 04:27:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Claim Video Games Distract Children From Learning About "That Which Lies Beyond The Veil"
— @khymchanur
Thu Oct 16 04:27:13 +0000 2014
US Secretary of Eternity to Venture "Far Beneath" in Wake of "Awful Warning"
Thu Oct 16 04:25:33 +0000 2014
Houghton-Mifflin Apologizes for "Accidental Printing" of Seventh Sigil in Over 10,000 Textbooks
Thu Oct 16 04:22:51 +0000 2014
After "Lengthy Investigation," Red Cross Declares Non-Euclidean Interrogation Techniques "Valid, Effective Form of Torture"
Thu Oct 16 04:20:06 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Awarded Nobel Peace Price for "Heroic Efforts" Against Bone Heresy
Wed Oct 15 18:34:14 +0000 2014
Bone Cavern Summit to Resume Thursday, Due to "Developments"
Wed Oct 15 17:06:27 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Amidst Controversy, MIT "Mad Science" Department Drops "Comparative Cackling" Course From Curriculum
— @khymchanur
Wed Oct 15 17:05:45 +0000 2014
.@Logical2u Concerned Citizens Criticize Tricky Witches for "Monopolistic Behavior," Demand Greater Market Diversity
Wed Oct 15 16:50:44 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 it's ALWAYS tricky witches these days. All the other meddlesome magicians need to step up their games
— @Logical2u
Wed Oct 15 16:50:34 +0000 2014
"We Will Be Ready:" FSB Reassures Public Research "Underway" to Avert Bonewraith Rampage, Promises Critics Have Been "Identified"
Wed Oct 15 16:49:53 +0000 2014
"The Fourth Bonewraith Rampage Looms Nigh:" Critics Assail FSB Director Ivanova for "Squandering" Siberian Stone-Gas in "Petty Turf War"
Wed Oct 15 16:48:44 +0000 2014
Russian FSB Announces Successful Strike Against Illuminati Spy Satellite
Wed Oct 15 16:44:23 +0000 2014
Four Actors Involved in "BodyCount: The Butcher of Kiev" Hospitalized After Nervous Breakdowns
Wed Oct 15 16:40:38 +0000 2014
Illuminati to Expand Weather Control Network
Wed Oct 15 16:36:53 +0000 2014
Analysts: GOP Tourney Expected to Kill "Far Fewer Innocents" than Traditional Primaries
Wed Oct 15 16:35:15 +0000 2014
Mitt Romney Announces 2016 GOP Candidate to be Decided by "Tourney"
Wed Oct 15 16:33:28 +0000 2014
Portland, OR's TriMet Apologizes for "Severe Transit Delays," Blames "Tricky Witches"
Wed Oct 15 16:30:06 +0000 2014
Outgoing Spider-Lord Evan Harrison, 64, Congratulates Replacement, Promises "Crawling Darkness" To "Span the Globe"
Wed Oct 15 16:26:06 +0000 2014
In "Touching Ceremony," Spider Council Welcomes Newly Elected Spider-Lord Antonia Borgogni
Wed Oct 15 16:22:50 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur "We Will Show Them, Oh Yes, We Will Show Them All:" Mad Academic Community Responds to MIT Controversy
Wed Oct 15 16:18:09 +0000 2014
Diet Experts Recommend "Lingering Death by Starvation"
Wed Oct 15 16:11:13 +0000 2014
.@3fingeredfox Analysts: Dark Wind GOP's "Most Reliable Donor"
Wed Oct 15 06:58:18 +0000 2014
Romney Issues Statement: Sun "Dire Error," Must Be "Corrected Immediately"
Wed Oct 15 06:35:29 +0000 2014
Asked to Clarify Earlier Statements, NOAA Director Inscribes Blood Sigil on Press Room Wall, Crouches Silently in Corner
Wed Oct 15 03:12:11 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 But whose mistake? And can it be corrected? What will Congress do?
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Oct 15 03:07:52 +0000 2014
NOAA Director Blames "Poor Decision-Making" for Moon, Seas
Wed Oct 15 03:07:06 +0000 2014
NOAA: Sun "A Mistake," "A Terrible Mistake"
Wed Oct 15 03:05:57 +0000 2014
.@The_Aldurinian Sources: Implementation Details "Responsibility of Manufacturer"
Tue Oct 14 03:21:02 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 what kind of DRM are we talking about here? Online? Low-carb? Non-biodegradeable?
— @The_Aldurinian
Tue Oct 14 03:20:59 +0000 2014
Yoor: Proper Celebration of International
REDACTED
Day of "Utmost" Urgency, "Though You Will Never Be Permitted to Know Its True Purpose"
Tue Oct 14 02:07:55 +0000 2014
"
REDACTED
:" Obama, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Issue Joint Statement on "Cultural Importance" of International [REDACTED] Day
Tue Oct 14 02:05:52 +0000 2014
White Supremacist Groups Call for Replacement of International
REDACTED
Day with "Columbus Day"
Tue Oct 14 02:02:38 +0000 2014
"An Important Bipartisan Step" Towards "Promoting Personal Responsibility:" House Approves Mandatory Food DRM Bill
Tue Oct 14 00:36:24 +0000 2014
Can human beings survive while in multiple pieces? Scientists are divided.
— @ThePatanoiac
Mon Oct 13 03:31:52 +0000 2014
.@3fingeredfox Heresy Experts: While Bone Heresy "Worst of All Heresies," Blood Heresy "Far Worse Yet"
Sun Oct 12 16:44:03 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Rune Theorists Report "Promising Results," Seemingly Unaware of Blood, Spiders Pouring From Own Mouths
Sun Oct 12 16:41:30 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Is there anything that's both forbidden *AND* forsaken?
— @khymchanur
Sun Oct 12 16:41:24 +0000 2014
Dept. of Justice Threatens "Swift Action" Against "Any & All" Men Without Eyes to Interfere with "Lawful Police Activities"
Sun Oct 12 16:38:39 +0000 2014
E&J Gallo Announces New "Ultraviolet," "Black" Wines
Sun Oct 12 00:12:02 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Full Approved News 6 Articles Are Available Online at http://t.co/K6K94BZlcs
Sat Oct 11 23:54:30 +0000 2014
Amid Growing Interdepartmental Rivalry, US Secretary of Obedience Francine Moreaux Publicly Calls for Dismantling of Justice Department
Sat Oct 11 23:48:35 +0000 2014
As Police Nationwide Enter Frenzy Stage of Mating Season, Tension Between Men Without Eyes, Police Forces Reaches Peak
Sat Oct 11 23:48:09 +0000 2014
These messages brought to you by the Ad Council and concerned parents nationwide
Sat Oct 11 23:36:49 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Those Bitten by Forbidden Bone Spiders "Will Never Again Be Who They Once Were," Must Be Shown "No Mercy"
Sat Oct 11 23:34:41 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Webs of Forbidden Bone Spiders Should Be Seen As Class IX Portent, Dealt With Accordingly
Sat Oct 11 23:33:12 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Forbidden Bone Spiders Should Not Be Approached, Nor Spoken Of In Any Voice Above "A Hoarse Whisper"
Sat Oct 11 23:32:16 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur DNMB: Loyal Citizens Should Report All Sightings of Forbidden Bone Spiders Directly to Local Circle of Standing Stones
Sat Oct 11 23:24:17 +0000 2014
@gobsta @ApprovedNews6 Except that they'd be "bone spiders" or "hersey spiders". Or "forbidden bone hersey spiders".
— @khymchanur
Sat Oct 11 23:23:30 +0000 2014
Pressed on Meaning of Oklahoma Construction, Governor Opens Mouth "Impossibly Wide," "Wastes Away" into "Shifting Sand"
Sat Oct 11 19:39:08 +0000 2014
OKLAHOMA CONSTRUCTION: Sources in Neighboring States Report "Mournful Prisms" Rising on Horizon, "Absolute Silence" From Oklahoma Relatives
Sat Oct 11 19:37:18 +0000 2014
Democrats Defend Federal Forbidden Items Administration, Citing FIA's "Long, Successful Record" Combatting Heresy, Blood Crimes
Sat Oct 11 19:34:06 +0000 2014
Republicans: Skateboards, Other Forbidden Items "State's Rights" Issue; Federal Regulation "Deeply Inappropriate"
Sat Oct 11 19:30:14 +0000 2014
Citing Recent "Pro-Skateboard" Legislation Concerned Parents Accuse Congress of "Pandering" to "Hooligan Classes"
Sat Oct 11 15:51:02 +0000 2014
@gobsta Architects Warn All "Prospective Homeowners" to⎌Confirm All Inner Substances "Of Desired Type" Before Buying Any Developed Property
Sat Oct 11 15:21:46 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wKJ2sf8xYg sounds like news from your world
— @gobsta
Sat Oct 11 15:18:48 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 https://t.co/wKJ2sf8xYg sounds like news from your world
— @gobsta
Sat Oct 11 15:18:48 +0000 2014
Oregon City Filth Expo Canceled in Wake of Humanitarian Outcry
Sat Oct 11 13:34:08 +0000 2014
Activist Group Files Lawsuit Challenging Non-Profit Status of Scream Council
Thu Oct 09 19:29:08 +0000 2014
In "Act of Desperation," Newslords Offer to Perform "Ritual Sacrifice" for "Literally Any" Pledges to Approved News 6 http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Thu Oct 09 03:08:57 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Your Monthly Pledges May Yet Avert a Minor Land War in What Remains of Kazakhstan http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Wed Oct 08 21:13:58 +0000 2014
iFixit Issues Clarification: Bone in Intel Forsaken Bridge Products "Not Even Remotely Human"
Wed Oct 08 18:15:22 +0000 2014
iFixit Teardowns Reveal Unusual Amount of Tendons, Human Bone in Products Powered by Intel Forsaken Bridge Processor
Wed Oct 08 18:14:41 +0000 2014
After Multiple Assassination Attempts, MIT Places Idaho Researcher Under Armed Guard
Wed Oct 08 17:27:10 +0000 2014
Pain King: Pain Citadels' Mortification, Kidnapping Tour Will Continue; Promises Events in Arizona, D.C.
Wed Oct 08 17:18:02 +0000 2014
EAST OREGON: Pain King Commends Blood-Soaked Maidens for "A Good Show," Winks "Saucily" At Reporters
Wed Oct 08 17:16:21 +0000 2014
Literally Blood-Soaked Sister-General Vindicta of East Oregon Claims Victory at Impromptu Press Conference
Wed Oct 08 17:12:18 +0000 2014
After Weeks of Bloody Struggle, Pain Citadel Forces Retreat from Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon
Wed Oct 08 17:09:51 +0000 2014
Dept. of Energy Issues Statement Firmly Denying Existence of Idaho
Wed Oct 08 16:52:17 +0000 2014
"It Is Real, There Was No Nuclear Accident, It Is Real:" Bloodsoaked, Shaking MIT Investigator Returns Alone from Southwest Idaho
Wed Oct 08 16:51:00 +0000 2014
ARBORIST TERROR: Survivors of Blood-Soaked Maiden Incursion Promise "Vengeance," "Pruning"
Wed Oct 08 16:43:14 +0000 2014
In "Ostentatious" Display of Bad Luck, Florida Man Claimed By All Four Great Curses Simultaneously
Wed Oct 08 16:40:02 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved Contributions Provide No Protection Against News Poisoning; All Concerned Citizens Strongly Advised to Limit News Intake
Wed Oct 08 16:17:10 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Even "Minor" Pledges May Serve to Repel News Hounds
Wed Oct 08 16:06:16 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2014: Democratic Party Donates Ancient Amulet of Forsaken Majesty, Whose Purpose May Soon Be Revealed
Wed Oct 08 16:04:29 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Needs Your Pledges to Improve Coverage http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Wed Oct 08 16:02:20 +0000 2014
FAA Grounds All Flights in Wake of Monks of Bronze Mask Warning, Recommends Grounded Travelers "Ply the Secret Ways"
Wed Oct 08 00:02:48 +0000 2014
"It Has No Mind, It Has No Mercy:" Monks of Bronze Mask Break Vow of Eternal Silence to Warn of "The Coming Dust"
Tue Oct 07 22:49:54 +0000 2014
"A Cornerstone of National Security:" Republicans Slam Cuts to Funding of "Dread Edifice"
Tue Oct 07 22:11:47 +0000 2014
7 Believed Dead as Portland Shadow Buses Return to Streets
Tue Oct 07 19:56:35 +0000 2014
Conspiracy Theorists Claim Illuminati Possess "Secret of the Cubes"
Tue Oct 07 19:54:09 +0000 2014
MIT Biologists Studying Mating Behaviors of Oregonian Police Issue Statement: "It Is So Dark Here," "Please Let Us Out"
Tue Oct 07 19:51:09 +0000 2014
Pressed on Oklahoma Closure, Governor Begins Solemnly Bricking Up Office Door From Inside
Tue Oct 07 18:04:13 +0000 2014
State Officials: Oklahoma "Closed" for "Construction"
Tue Oct 07 12:44:25 +0000 2014
Despite "High Praise" from Concerned Parents, Cult Critics Decry Maidens of Endless Iron Spire as "Derivative"
Mon Oct 06 18:30:47 +0000 2014
"Maidens of Endless Iron Spire" Promise "Shining Cohort" to "Cleanse the Lands of Heresy"
Mon Oct 06 18:27:00 +0000 2014
Critics of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce Formation of "Pro-American" Cult "Maidens of the Endless Iron Spire"
Sun Oct 05 01:58:35 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Coincidence Scientists: "No Such Thing" As Coincidences
Fri Oct 03 21:32:02 +0000 2014
SCANDAL: False Arrest of New Jersey State Senator for Own Murder Brings to Light "Unspeakable" Bone Heresies
Fri Oct 03 21:17:20 +0000 2014
In "Wacky Mix-Up," New Jersey State Senator Arrested for Own Murder
Fri Oct 03 18:07:08 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Disease Control Procedures Necessitated by Ebola Threaten "Bodily Fluids Latte" Sales.
— @khymchanur
Fri Oct 03 04:15:12 +0000 2014
"CASE CLOSED:" Four Months Later, Mysterious Death of New Jersey State Senator Finally Solved, Blamed on "Murder"
Fri Oct 03 03:45:46 +0000 2014
"A Menace to Public Safety:" After Months of Protests, Connecticut Board of Education Agrees to Ban Reading, Writing
Fri Oct 03 03:37:16 +0000 2014
Team of Spelunkers Feared Dead Since 1834 Reappears From "Unknowable Depths"
Fri Oct 03 03:25:20 +0000 2014
.@pete_hardie Anonymous State Dept. Source Confirms Activists Worldwide "Cannot Begin to Comprehend The Enormity of
Their
Actions"
Thu Oct 02 23:07:35 +0000 2014
@velartrill Economy News Update: AN6 reporter is said to be, "fuelled by eldritch nightmares", "literally sustained by otherworldly horror".
— @DiogenesBub
Thu Oct 02 21:13:05 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 - your work? http://t.co/aNVAOtVWZc
— @pete_hardie
Thu Oct 02 21:01:44 +0000 2014
.@derwolfanwalt Vermont Authorities Express "Exasperation" That "Fictional Threats" Continue to Discourage Tourism; Warn of "Stranglemud"
Wed Oct 01 01:57:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Going to VT tomorrow for some R&R. Aside from the Mi-Go threat, any hazards come across the wire recently?
— @derwolfanwalt
Wed Oct 01 01:57:20 +0000 2014
Economists Warn of "Dire Need" for "Stringent Regulations" to "Disincentivize" Executive-Level Bone Heresy
Wed Oct 01 01:25:38 +0000 2014
Forbes: Ritual Murder of Coworkers Has Decreased "Nearly 47%" Since 2007, But "Challenges Remain"
Wed Oct 01 01:18:22 +0000 2014
.@MrSmith125 Health Experts: Safety "Illusion:" "Nobody Is Truly Safe," "In The End, Nothing Can Protect You"
Wed Oct 01 01:17:51 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What about 125? Am I safe? Is my family safe?
— @MrSmith125
Wed Oct 01 01:17:50 +0000 2014
.@zacaj_ Leading Experts Agree Scope of Contamination Excludes Two, Three, But Warn Such Numbers Should Be "Phased Out" for "Public Safety"
Wed Oct 01 01:13:51 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 inclusive or exclusive
— @zacaj_
Wed Oct 01 01:13:47 +0000 2014
Experts: All Integers "Between Two and Three" Should Be "Forsaken," Considered "Contaminated"
Wed Oct 01 01:10:08 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur MIT Mathematicians: All Numbers "Powerful in Own Way;" Five "Relatively Safe for Public Use" Compared to Four, Seven
Wed Oct 01 01:08:40 +0000 2014
Discover the Power of 5 http://t.co/aUACZA9uoH @ApprovedNews5 @ApprovedNews6
— @khymchanur
Wed Oct 01 01:08:38 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Concerned Parents Urge Government to Fight "Naked-Under-Our-Clothes" Issue by Giving Tax Breaks for Skin Removal Procedures
— @khymchanur
Tue Sep 30 05:04:42 +0000 2014
Libertarian Demonstrators Gather in D.C. to Demand "Mightier Orifices," "Words of Torment" for "Enemies"
Tue Sep 30 04:24:33 +0000 2014
Romney Calls For "Swift Congressional Action" to Repeal "Unamerican" Laws of Nature, Criticizes Obama for "Complacency in Face of Reality"
Tue Sep 30 03:07:11 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @mcclure111 All of those equations just encourage people to engage in statistics.
— @khymchanur
Mon Sep 29 19:27:28 +0000 2014
Idaho Concerned Parent: Basic Physical, Biological Reality "Deeply Inconsistent" with "Core American Values"
Mon Sep 29 18:12:54 +0000 2014
.@mcclure111 Concerned Parents Hail "Grassroots Campaign" to Abolish "Deeply Unamerican" Laws of Physical Universe
Mon Sep 29 17:57:22 +0000 2014
Ban physics
— @mcclure111
Mon Sep 29 17:56:03 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: "PTSD Cases Linked to Film 'BodyCount: The Butcher of Kiev'" http://t.co/yBsMhLhHx3
Mon Sep 29 00:02:16 +0000 2014
.@themarevas After Coven Responds to Republican Allegations, GOP Issues Statement Asserting Witches "Need No Sleep," "Plot Endlessly"
Sun Sep 28 22:24:42 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Coven of Trickster Witches: "As much as we'd love to claim that blame, we have to sleep some time."
— @themarevas
Sun Sep 28 22:24:38 +0000 2014
Responding to Demands for Accountability, Studio Reports Writers, Director of "BODYCOUNT: The Butcher of Kiev" "Seemingly Comatose"
Sun Sep 28 22:04:09 +0000 2014
7 Cases of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Linked to Recent Film "BODYCOUNT: The Butcher of Kiev;" Concerned Parents Blame "Nudity"
Sat Sep 27 17:13:29 +0000 2014
Supreme Court Upholds Death Penalty for Copyright Infringement
Sat Sep 27 02:04:24 +0000 2014
Dept. of Eternity Reports Arrival of "Prohibited Train" Bearing "Awful Warning"
Fri Sep 26 04:34:48 +0000 2014
"A Relic of the Past:" Congress Votes to Remove Skateboarding from List of Prohibited Activities
Thu Sep 25 20:22:05 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Assail Recent Film "BODYCOUNT: The Butcher of Kiev" for "Inaccurate," "Dangerous" Depictions of Toothbrushing Technique
Thu Sep 25 20:14:27 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Law Experts: Such Requirements Apply Only to Certain Police Subspecies, "Should Not be Considered Universal"
Thu Sep 25 03:03:19 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 If you ask a cop if they're a cop, they have to take you into their nest and implant an egg in your chest cavity.
— @khymchanur
Thu Sep 25 03:00:58 +0000 2014
.@ZenMonkey Citing Impact on Tourism, Citizens Criticize Los Angeles Doom Festival Organizers for "Overreaction" to Flaying Accident
Wed Sep 24 03:26:02 +0000 2014
One person gets flayed and suddenly it's a problem. @ApprovedNews6
— @ZenMonkey
Wed Sep 24 03:25:52 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents "Outraged" After Children's Book "Obscure Species & How to Kill Them" Pulled from Amazon Due to Activist Complaints
Tue Sep 23 22:57:57 +0000 2014
After "Tragic Flaying Accident," Annual Los Angeles Doom Festival Canceled for Third Year Running
Tue Sep 23 22:33:02 +0000 2014
DNMB Dread Secretary Refuses to Confirm, Deny Rumors of Nixonite Bone Cult
Tue Sep 23 18:17:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Nebraskans report "massive surge" of DNMB forces, "creeping shadow things"
Tue Sep 23 18:07:04 +0000 2014
"It's All Their Fault:" Visibly Exasperated Republican Spokesman Blames "Tricky Witches" For "Everything," "Just Everything"
Tue Sep 23 06:45:37 +0000 2014
.@noahtron @khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 White House Press Secretary Refuses to Comment on "Conspiracy Theories"
Mon Sep 22 19:33:00 +0000 2014
@khymchanur @ApprovedNews6 @TweetsofOld if a president is stolen once per year in 1876, then appx 267860 times per second. suspect clones.
— @noahtron
Mon Sep 22 19:32:48 +0000 2014
@noahtron @ApprovedNews6 @TweetsofOld So how many times per second is Obama being stolen?
— @khymchanur
Mon Sep 22 19:32:45 +0000 2014
.@noahtron @TweetsofOld Illuminati Sources: Such Fields Are To Be "Trusted Implicitly," "Nourished"
Mon Sep 22 19:20:33 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @TweetsofOld what about the field behind my house? the one with the pond that has the full moon hanging dead-center overhead?
— @noahtron
Mon Sep 22 19:20:17 +0000 2014
@noahtron @TweetsofOld US Dept. of Obedience Cautions Loyal Citizens to Avoid Forbidden Fields Such as "Statistics," "Hairdessing"
Mon Sep 22 19:04:37 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @TweetsofOld that's an increase of approximately 8453021129810%
— @noahtron
Mon Sep 22 19:04:34 +0000 2014
Security Experts Warn Presidents Most Frequently Targeted for Theft by "Bone Heretics," "Stone Hoarders"
Mon Sep 22 18:57:21 +0000 2014
.@TweetsofOld Experts: Rates of President Theft Have "Increased by 20%" Each Year Since 1876
Mon Sep 22 18:55:35 +0000 2014
Another insane man went to the White House on Tuesday, claiming to be a messenger of God to take the president away. IL1881
— @TweetsofOld
Mon Sep 22 18:55:34 +0000 2014
Scream Council: Screams of Friends "Most Powerful Screams"
Mon Sep 22 18:50:56 +0000 2014
Romney Slams Welfare Recipients as "Inedible"
Sun Sep 21 21:40:32 +0000 2014
NEWS FORECAST: Expect Delays This Week As Dread Malaise Claims Nation; Expected to Bring News Production to "Near-Complete Halt"
Sun Sep 21 06:10:32 +0000 2014
.@punningpundit Terrified Heresy Experts Repeatedly Mouth "Florida," Slowly Backing Away from Reporters
Sat Sep 20 22:02:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @khymchanur And the Heresy that Shall Not Be Named?
— @punningpundit
Sat Sep 20 22:02:25 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur MIT Heresy Scientists: Bone Heresy "Darkest of Heresies," Blood Heresy "Darker Still"
Sat Sep 20 21:58:44 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What's the difference between a blood heresy and a bone heresy?
— @khymchanur
Sat Sep 20 21:58:43 +0000 2014
@dylanstweets Sources Report "Terrible Rending," Recommend "Unending Seclusion"
Fri Sep 19 05:20:28 +0000 2014
@mcclure111 Law Enforcement Sources: Depending on "Severity," Such Suspects May Be Remanded to "Improvement Facilities," "Orb Zones"
Fri Sep 19 03:25:19 +0000 2014
State Department Issues Rambling Statement Condemning "Desecrators," Demanding "Boiling" of "Degenerates"
Fri Sep 19 01:58:45 +0000 2014
.@The_Aldurinian
REMINDER:
Frequenting Void Markets Classed in Most States as Darkest Bone Heresy, May be Punished in Slow, Methodic Fashion
Thu Sep 18 18:22:28 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 How many semi-damned souls do the remains of previous Approved News iterations sell for; gray, black or void markets?
— @The_Aldurinian
Thu Sep 18 18:22:27 +0000 2014
.@cislyn Illuminati Sources: Orb Reaction Would Depend on "State of Carapace," May Range from "Minor Property Damage" to "
REDACTED
"
Thu Sep 18 18:17:43 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Question: will The Orbs react negatively if the smile doesn't quite reach the eyes?
— @cislyn
Thu Sep 18 18:17:17 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
On Reaching $100 in Monthly Pledges, Approved News 6 Will Release Intercepted Illuminati Propaganda Posters
Thu Sep 18 07:09:56 +0000 2014
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Issues "Friendly Reminder:" "The Orbs" Must Be "Smiled At," "Frequently Polished"
Thu Sep 18 07:09:49 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Witnesses: Approved News 3 “9̝̪̟ͥ̌̊ͤ̓ͫ͟?̴̩̺̚͝Ḷ̷̠͙̗̟̍ͤ̌ͮ̍́?̺̙̳͔̠ͧͤ͜ŵ͉͇̮͙̩̲̲̿ͮȨ̤̤̯̱̗̈̀͠?̨̭̲̱̑͋ͭ̐̂ͧ͆;̴̶͇̙̬ͬ̽͛͑̎͋옵̆̂҉͎̖?̶̷̞̱͗͋̃͂͗ͥ̕
Wed Sep 17 23:38:34 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Newslords: Urban Legends Claiming Approved News 4 “May Yet Be Heard” in Whispers of Forsaken Factories Should Be “Disregarded”
Wed Sep 17 23:30:01 +0000 2014
.@khymchanur Questioned on Fate of "Those Who Came Before," Leading Geophysicists Vomit Scarabs, Invoke "The Bleeding Winds”
Wed Sep 17 23:27:22 +0000 2014
WASHINGTON: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Execute 9 for "Unsanctified Livestock Wrassling"
Wed Sep 17 21:01:14 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Warn of “Gay Hell-Wizards”
Wed Sep 17 05:18:42 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Police Attempting to Breach Flint Center Being Intercepted by Men Without Eyes
Wed Sep 17 04:16:33 +0000 2014
Gov. Brown Dismisses Fears of Contamination: “It is Beautiful,” “It is Glorious;” Calls for “Offerings” to “THE FOUNDRY”
Wed Sep 17 04:09:32 +0000 2014
California Governor En Route to Flint Center as Ongoing Apple Expo Grows Relentlessly Larger
Wed Sep 17 04:07:47 +0000 2014
@justbadtweets Sources Whisper of "Legions Without End," Laugh Distantly
Tue Sep 16 00:35:10 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 How many more must die for brand awareness?
— @justbadtweets
Tue Sep 16 00:35:09 +0000 2014
@fearnow Health Activists Laud High Excruciator of Ad Council for "Imagination," Power of Message
Mon Sep 15 23:51:45 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 High Excruciator calls casualties, disappearances during stunt "entertaining" and "unfortunate in their duration"
— @fearnow
Mon Sep 15 23:46:00 +0000 2014
"Eternal Blood War" Between American Psychological, Medical Associations Revealed as PR Stunt Orchestrated by Ad Council
Mon Sep 15 23:38:21 +0000 2014
CIA Director Denies "Worryingly Specific" Cruelty
Mon Sep 15 20:27:11 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 MIT entomologists reveal new chitin rituals. "50% less soul pollution than bone rituals."
— @khymchanur
Sun Sep 14 01:22:28 +0000 2014
Illuminati Warns Critics of
REDACTED
Awards Their Names "Will Be Inscribed Forever on the Great Plinths," Carry "Eternal Legacy of Shame"
Sat Sep 13 18:34:30 +0000 2014
Romney Issues Statement Condemning Illuminati for "Frivolity" in "Time of Heresy, Stone Hoarding"
Sat Sep 13 18:32:01 +0000 2014
Illuminati Convenes "Dread Council" to Select Winners of 1st Eternal
REDACTED
Awards
Sat Sep 13 18:29:01 +0000 2014
APA Announces Intent to Bombard AMA Strongholds with "Verbally Abusive Pamphlets," "Personalized Lists of Failures"
Sat Sep 13 18:17:06 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
American Psychological Association declares "eternal blood war" on American Medical Association
Sat Sep 13 18:07:09 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Endorse Kroger "Minority Repellent"
Fri Sep 12 23:58:25 +0000 2014
American Medical Association to Showcase Collection of Powerful Livers
Fri Sep 12 16:00:35 +0000 2014
@khymchanur DNMB ADVISORY: Loyal Citizens Should Consult Local Bone Heralds to Determine Proper Regional Cleansing Fluids
Fri Sep 12 07:19:59 +0000 2014
In Defiance of Governor, California State Police "Congregating" Around Flint Center, Claws, Teeth, & Spines "Readied for Attack"
Wed Sep 10 18:37:14 +0000 2014
Sources Report Rhythmic Thumping Broadcast Growing "Steadily Louder"
Wed Sep 10 18:27:10 +0000 2014
California Governor Warns Against "Any Attempt to Breach" Ongoing Apple Expo; Promises "Subtle Tortures" For Those Who Attempt to Interfere
Wed Sep 10 18:17:01 +0000 2014
Contact Lost With Apple Expo as Alll Radio Channels in Area Flooded With Sound of "Rhythmic Thumping"
Wed Sep 10 18:07:03 +0000 2014
DNC Commends Scream Council, Surgeon General for Courageous "
DEAFENING RATTLE, SCUTTLING
"
Wed Sep 10 17:42:30 +0000 2014
Surgeon General, Scream Council Issue Joint Statement of Tormented Shrieks Interspersed with Occasional Bouts of Low Sobbing
Wed Sep 10 17:25:56 +0000 2014
Facebook, DOJ to Partner on "Suggested Punishments" Feature; Algorithm to Determine Users' Darkest Fears
Wed Sep 10 06:53:33 +0000 2014
As Apple Expo Enters 12th Terrifying Hour, California Governor Asks Citizens to "Remain Calm," "Dream Not of Enemies"
Wed Sep 10 03:15:05 +0000 2014
Questioned on Source of Expo Corpses, Cook Opens "Gaping Mouth" "Impossibly Wide"
Tue Sep 09 19:55:25 +0000 2014
APPLE EXPO: CEO Tim Cook Smiles Beatifically as Stage Slowly Fills With Corpses, Promises "Glory of THE FOUNDRY"
Tue Sep 09 18:04:09 +0000 2014
SCANDAL: Dashing Bandit Queen Plaguing Oklahoma Revealed to be State Governor; Opponents Demand "Trial by Fire"
Sun Sep 07 17:15:39 +0000 2014
Extremist Group "Dentists for a Better Tomorrow" Announces "Open-Source Teeth"
Sun Sep 07 01:24:03 +0000 2014
@Zombie_Forecast Due to Severely Strained Infernal-American Relations, Experts Warn All Hell Intelligence "Severely Limited," "Unreliable"
Sat Sep 06 19:48:06 +0000 2014
@Zombie_Forecast Experts Warn "Onslaughts of Shambling Dead" Early Sign of Contamination, Recommend Formation of "Flamethrower Brigades"
Sat Sep 06 19:35:16 +0000 2014
Air Force Reports "Successful Detonation," "Mercifully Few Survivors;" Thermal Scouring Crew to Move In Immediately
Sat Sep 06 17:59:20 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Handsome Doctor Revealed as Notorious Con Artist, Arrested by Secret Service for Heresy; Nuclear Scouring to Continue As Planned
Sat Sep 06 17:39:40 +0000 2014
"There Is A Cure:" White House Reportedly Delaying Nuclear Scouring of Ogden to Investigate Doctor's Claims
Sat Sep 06 17:38:09 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Handsome, out-of-breath doctor bursts into Oval Office trailing Secret Service agents; more on this story as it develops
Sat Sep 06 17:37:00 +0000 2014
"They Will Be Remembered:" Somber Obama Orders Nuclear Strike on Ogden, Utah
Sat Sep 06 17:34:14 +0000 2014
DHHS: All Relatives of Odgen Residents Must "Report for Immediate Incineration"
Sat Sep 06 17:31:37 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DHHS CONFIRMS BLOOD PLAGUE OUTBREAK IN OGDEN, UTAH
Sat Sep 06 17:29:37 +0000 2014
@khymchanur Cambridge Sources: "True Meaning" of "the Trigrammaton" Lost in "Mists of History"
Sat Sep 06 16:59:14 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report MIT Geologists "Heavily Armed," "Shooting Wildly" At Any Who Approach; Multiple News Trucks Damaged by Rocket Fire
Sat Sep 06 03:19:48 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
MIT Geologists Seen Frantically Boarding Plane
Sat Sep 06 03:17:08 +0000 2014
With $100 Pledged, Approved News 6 Will Be Able to Afford the Necessary Bribes to Publish "Informational Posters"
Fri Sep 05 23:34:11 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved Pledge Drive Only $3 Away from First of "Many" Milestones http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Fri Sep 05 23:33:16 +0000 2014
RNC, DNC Issue Joint Statement Condemning Bone Party for "Politicizing Tragedy"
Fri Sep 05 21:10:41 +0000 2014
MIT Geologists: "There's Something Down There"
Fri Sep 05 21:09:27 +0000 2014
Bone Party Cites Obama's Comments as Proof of Need for "Viable Third Party" to "Placate the Hidden Things"
Fri Sep 05 21:08:55 +0000 2014
Obama Chides Democrats for "Baseless Accusations:" Flesh Lords "Loathe Both Parties Equally," "Bring Great Doom"
Fri Sep 05 21:05:15 +0000 2014
Democrats Blame Republicans for Ogden Blood Plague, Assert GOP Has "Angered the Flesh Lords"
Fri Sep 05 20:57:02 +0000 2014
Spitting Bone Shards from Between Teeth, Visibly Quivering D.C. Police Declare Victory over Aetna Bone-Spire after "Violent Struggle"
Fri Sep 05 20:50:46 +0000 2014
Russia Announces "Momentous Discovery:" Gases from "Siberian Stone-Tubes" May "If Used Properly" Avert 4th Bonewraith Rampage
Fri Sep 05 20:47:52 +0000 2014
Dept. of Health & Human Services Warns of Potential Blood Plague Outbreak in Ogden, Utah
Fri Sep 05 20:45:05 +0000 2014
"It Must Be Served," "It Must Be Nourished:" Hollow-Eyed Maine Residents Report "Towering @fungalmonolith" on Augusta Waterfront #ff
Fri Sep 05 18:07:05 +0000 2014
FAA to Dispatch Contingent of Rune Engineers, Monks of Bronze Mask to Reconsecrate Tacoma Airfield
Thu Sep 04 19:51:11 +0000 2014
DNMB: "Prime Suspect" Has Been "Apprehended," Must Be "Forgotten By All"
Thu Sep 04 19:49:27 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Sources Report DNMB Officials Leading "Quivering Figure" In Hood, Runed Shackles from Tacoma Airport
Thu Sep 04 19:45:23 +0000 2014
Witnesses Blame Ritual Disembowelment on "Unsanctified Gong" on Flight; FAA Orders Airport Lockdown Pending Investigation for Blood Crimes
Thu Sep 04 19:44:02 +0000 2014
TRAGEDY IN TACOMA: Bone Smuggler, Approved News 6 Patron Boss Orange Ritually Disemboweled During Cross-Country Flight From Authorities
Thu Sep 04 19:41:54 +0000 2014
MIT Memeticists Posit Theoretical "Hypertwitter"
Thu Sep 04 05:16:35 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Condemn "Today's Youth" for "Excessive Fixation on Getting Sleep"
Thu Sep 04 04:43:43 +0000 2014
Cleveland Cultists DIsavow "Any Relationship" With Ohio Bone Cult: "We Serve Only The Yellow Defiler"
Thu Sep 04 04:08:58 +0000 2014
Ohio Bone Cultists Promise to "Destroy Everything" With "Horrifying Bone Heresies," Decried as "Embarassment to Vengeful Occult Community"
Thu Sep 04 04:07:45 +0000 2014
DNMB: Ohio Bone Cult "Too Pathetic" to Pose Any Threat, Recommends Cultists Be Punished by "Condescending Pat On Head"
Thu Sep 04 03:59:32 +0000 2014
Ohio Bone Cult Promises "Seven Terrible Dooms", Is Criticized As "Unoriginal"
Thu Sep 04 02:47:55 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Confirms Aetna Bone Spire Has Evoked "Most Terrible Sigil"
Thu Sep 04 02:46:27 +0000 2014
Sources Report D.C. Police Swarming Aetna Bone Spire, "Terrible Rending"
Wed Sep 03 18:36:27 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report Conclave of Seven Vote "Completely Unanimous," As In All Known Previous Conclave Decisions
Wed Sep 03 18:33:11 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Citing "dread spire," DNMB "Conclave of Seven" votes to convict Aetna CEO, public relations of bone heresy
Wed Sep 03 18:31:51 +0000 2014
Aetna CEO: "All Will Bow" Before "The Spire And The Sigil;" "That Which Thirsts" to "Reign Supreme"
Wed Sep 03 18:28:46 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report Aetna Bone Horror Atop Washington Monument Now Stretching Upwards Into "A Sky That Is Not Ours"
Wed Sep 03 18:24:12 +0000 2014
Facing Threats of Probe, Dept. of Energy Admits Major Idaho Population Center Destroyed in "Nuclear Accident" Earlier This Year
Wed Sep 03 02:10:39 +0000 2014
Illuminati Secretary-General: Use of "Siberian Stone-Gas" to Defy Illuminati Edicts "Endangers Us All"
Wed Sep 03 00:18:41 +0000 2014
Obama, God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia Sign Trade Treaty for Export of Siberian Stone-Gas; Illuminati Reportedly "Furious"
Wed Sep 03 00:16:22 +0000 2014
Federal Departments of Obedience, Justice to Launch Joint "COMPLY Initiative"
Wed Sep 03 00:11:57 +0000 2014
MIT: In 2013, "Only 3 New Integers Discovered" Between 1, 100
Tue Sep 02 23:34:07 +0000 2014
MIT Mathematicians: Rate of Discovery of Previously Unimaginable Integers Has "Dropped Precipitously" in Recent Years
Tue Sep 02 23:32:43 +0000 2014
@frkbmb Americans for Traditional Torments Assails "Radical" Dread Secretary for Use of "Meticulous Dissection" In Place of "The Olden Ways"
Tue Sep 02 23:28:47 +0000 2014
Pressed on Democratic Endorsement for 2016, Oregon Governor Demurs: "The Nominee That Can Be Known Is Not The True Nominee"
Tue Sep 02 23:25:10 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
"The Screaming, The Beautiful Screaming," Gossip Columnists Add, Sighing Wistfully
Tue Sep 02 22:37:35 +0000 2014
The Screams To Begin Again Soon, Say Gossip Columnists, Reassuring Americans "Neither Deafness nor Amputation Will Keep You From Hearing It"
Tue Sep 02 19:34:55 +0000 2014
Federal Forsaken Jury Sentences Former Necromancer-General to be Placed in Suspended Animation Until "Coming of the Iron Times"
Tue Sep 02 18:19:01 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Retired DNMB Necromancer-General arrested, charged with blood crimes
Tue Sep 02 06:00:33 +0000 2014
"The Stag Mask & The Tenfold Excruciations:" Retired Chief Necromancer of DNMB to Publish "Scandalous Tell-All Memoir"
Mon Sep 01 06:05:41 +0000 2014
MIT: 7 Killed in Oceanography Study "Gone Horribly Right"
Sun Aug 31 21:03:02 +0000 2014
While It Is "Natural" to Fear Them, "It Will Only Make Things Worse For You," Report Smiling Endocrinologists
Sun Aug 31 01:52:21 +0000 2014
MIT Psychologists Identify Two Most Common Personality Types as "Those Who Will Soon Betray You," "Those Who Have Already Betrayed You"
Sun Aug 31 01:29:18 +0000 2014
Questioned on Dark Train Police Presence, DOJ Officials Dismiss Concerns: "A Normal Part of The Process," "Obedience is Necessary"
Sat Aug 30 23:48:48 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report Dozens of Police Officers, All Hissing, Seemingly Struggling Against Own Legs, Also Boarding Dark Trains
Sat Aug 30 23:46:34 +0000 2014
Amtrak Officials Nationwide Crouch Down, Begin Bleeding from Eyes as Men Without Eyes Board the Dark Trains En Masse
Sat Aug 30 23:40:51 +0000 2014
Red-Faced, Weeping Amtrak Officials Issue Hurried Correction: "Walk Quickly Away From" The Dark Trains, "None of Them Go Anywhere At All"
Sat Aug 30 23:34:08 +0000 2014
Red-Faced, Weeping Amtrak Officials Issue Hurried Correction: "Walk Quickly Away From" The Dark Trains, "None of Them Go Anywhere At All"
Sat Aug 30 23:34:08 +0000 2014
Experts: "It Was Likely Not Your Last Mistake," But "You Will Wish It Was"
Sat Aug 30 23:23:57 +0000 2014
Amtrak Officials, Teeth Gnashing, Hold Press Conference Ordering "All Passengers" to "Avoid the Dark Trains:" "They Go Nowhere At All"
Sat Aug 30 22:33:41 +0000 2014
Industry Insiders Confirm "You Have Made a Terrible Mistake"
Sat Aug 30 22:13:00 +0000 2014
@punningpundit
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 No Longer Routinely Covers the Arts, Due to The Incident
Sat Aug 30 21:30:03 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Reponse to DNMB Accusations: "HAERESIS TUA AC TUA SOLA EST"
Sat Aug 30 19:23:03 +0000 2014
Georgia National Guard Quells Week's Third Robot Uprising
Sat Aug 30 19:21:52 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Renegade Poet-Laureate Maxine Halvorsen Claims Responsibility for Oregon Deaths, Promises "Wintertide of Sorrow"
Sat Aug 30 19:17:07 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Condemns Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword for "Rune Heresy"
Sat Aug 30 19:15:10 +0000 2014
Pentagon Issues Correction: Airstrikes Thwarted by Forbidden, Not Forsaken, Runes
Sat Aug 30 19:13:49 +0000 2014
US Military Reports Attempts to Launch Airstrikes on Blood-Soaked Maidens' Holdings "Thwarted" by "Forsaken Runes"
Sat Aug 30 19:13:15 +0000 2014
Citing Growing "Insurgent Threat," Obama Orders Use of Military Force on American Soil
Sat Aug 30 19:10:33 +0000 2014
With Washington Forces Stretched Thin Guarding Border, Hunting Refugees, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Make Gains in Embattled Region
Sat Aug 30 19:08:01 +0000 2014
ODOO: Blood-Soaked Maidens' "Righteous Fire," "Equally Harsh Treatment of All," "Poetry Slams" Severe Threat to State, National Security
Sat Aug 30 19:04:59 +0000 2014
Oregon Department of Obedience Warns of "Loyalty Gap" as More and More Oregonians "Corrupted" by Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Sat Aug 30 19:04:00 +0000 2014
Oregon Institutes "Memetic Quarantine" As 7 Officials Found Dead from Pun Poisoning; Lead Suspect Renegade Poet-Laureate Maxine Halvorsen
Sat Aug 30 18:36:20 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Issue Report Recommending "Panoptic Electroshock Obedience Conditioning," Most Effective Shock Collar Brands
Sat Aug 30 04:52:44 +0000 2014
@derwolfanwalt Sources: "The New Time" Heralds THE FOUNDRY, Soon All Will Praise THE FOUNDRY
Sat Aug 30 03:35:49 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 comment? RT @DRUDGE_REPORT: Security Guards Shooing People Away From Mysterious White Building Erected By APPLE...
— @derwolfanwalt
Sat Aug 30 03:35:48 +0000 2014
DARPA Creep Warfare Division Director Thanks "Many Hard-Working Floridians:" "We Couldn't Have Done the Job Without You"
Fri Aug 29 23:35:26 +0000 2014
DARPA Creep Warfare Division Announces New, More Terrifying Form of Stalking, Seven Unsettling New Facial Expressions
Fri Aug 29 23:33:18 +0000 2014
Pressed on Details of "The New Time," Industry Insiders Scream Verse from Bone Cavern Summit Obelisks Repeatedly Before Fading Into Static
Fri Aug 29 23:29:21 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva Offers Sanctuary, Employment for Topologists Fleeing America
Fri Aug 29 23:11:55 +0000 2014
Illuminati Reports "Dozens" of Topologists Have Already Accepted Their Offer, Now Serve "The Cause of Knives and Shadows"
Fri Aug 29 22:52:16 +0000 2014
@listelian Any Category Theorists to Have Survived 2009 Purge Offered "Conditional Amnesty" by Obama Administration
Fri Aug 29 21:07:27 +0000 2014
Illuminati Offers "Safe Haven" For American Topologists Willing To "Take the Vows," "Undergo the Procedures"
Fri Aug 29 20:12:38 +0000 2014
Thousands Flee Country as Topology Added to List of Forbidden Studies
Fri Aug 29 20:06:19 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
If All Approved News 6 Viewers Pledged $1, Lobster King Would Return Many Relatives "Lost Beneath the Seas" http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Fri Aug 29 19:51:11 +0000 2014
Ad Council: Ad to Feature Dead-Eyed Young Spokesman in Black Jumpsuit Intoning "It Is Cool For Teens," "It Is Cool"
Fri Aug 29 19:40:03 +0000 2014
Ad Council Begins Campaign Encouraging Adolescents to Join "Obedience Cults"
Fri Aug 29 19:36:05 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Capitalism "Only Approved Means" to "Organize Society," Necessitating "Viewer Pledges" to Ensure "Survival" http://t.co/01CYIJKTpQ
Fri Aug 29 19:29:08 +0000 2014
Illuminati Grand Inquisitor Balġeez Yakšeeš: Spiders Ideal for "Humbling" of "Traitors"
Fri Aug 29 19:18:33 +0000 2014
@maximrydkin Illuminati Persuasion Experts: Arachnids Most Effectively Employed In "Spider Tanks," "Squirm Chambers"
Fri Aug 29 19:14:30 +0000 2014
@fartpowder Analysts: Some Communities "Still Affected" by Great Bleeding; Causing "Ongoing Impact" to State Blood Tithes
Fri Aug 29 18:31:42 +0000 2014
Pressed for Comment on "The New Time," Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Becomes Enshrouded In Mist
Fri Aug 29 18:27:15 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 The New Time is gonna make The Molten Victorys look like The Great Bleeding, WOOOOO!
— @fartpowder
Fri Aug 29 18:21:26 +0000 2014
Obama Declares National "Festival of Bells" to Celebrate "Coming of the New Time;" All Forced Labor Zone Quotas to be Doubled Indefinitely
Fri Aug 29 18:17:02 +0000 2014
Dept. of Portents: Thanks To "Unprecedented Rate of Compliance," "The New Time" Has Begun Without "Clamor," "Great Death"
Fri Aug 29 18:07:03 +0000 2014
Dept. of Portents Volcano Topologists: All Loyal Citizens Should Wear "Correct Hats," "Approved Restraints," As "The New Time is Nigh"
Fri Aug 29 07:56:50 +0000 2014
Dept. of Interior Warns of "Volcano Loop"
Fri Aug 29 06:50:35 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Conclude "Festival of Mist" With Solemn Contemplation, Seven Pronouncements from Shadow Council
Thu Aug 28 20:30:04 +0000 2014
@ThePatanoiac
REMINDER:
To Avoid Risk of Informatic Anomalies, Schema Elves, Dataghouls Should Not Be Spoken To By "The Unsanctified"
Tue Aug 26 21:38:16 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Begin Washington Campaign, Capturing Kennewick, Walla Walla in "Surprise Midnight Assault"
Tue Aug 26 17:18:02 +0000 2014
Witnesses: "Forest of Bone" Consuming Area Surrounding Washington Monument; DNMB Authorizes Hand-Written Warning Sign Campaign
Tue Aug 26 17:08:58 +0000 2014
Reporters Who "Drew Too Near" Aetna Spokeshorror Report Bones Suddenly Erupting "Painfully" From Bodies
Tue Aug 26 17:03:15 +0000 2014
Pressed on Aetna's "Extreme" Mental Health Policies, Spokes-Bone Horror Screams Continuously For 7 Minutes in Minds of All Americans
Tue Aug 26 17:00:27 +0000 2014
Pressed on Sources' Revelations, White House Press Secretary Expresses "Sincere Regret:" "Washington Can Be A Very Draining Environment"
Tue Aug 26 06:50:02 +0000 2014
Speaking Anonymously, D.C. Sources Suggest "It Hurts," "Please No More," Adding "Please Let Us Die"
Tue Aug 26 06:46:15 +0000 2014
MIT Political Science Researchers: Height Bans Historically "Unenforceable," "Easily Circumvented" by "Rotation"
Tue Aug 26 06:34:31 +0000 2014
Citing 2007 Arizona Bill Outlawing Width, Analysts Predict "Unforeseen Consequences" to Georgia Bill
Tue Aug 26 06:24:19 +0000 2014
Georgia Outlaws Height
Tue Aug 26 06:16:34 +0000 2014
Experts Warn "It is Here and It Will Not Leave," Adding "Please Somebody Help Us"
Tue Aug 26 02:33:20 +0000 2014
DOJ Warns Americans During Police Mating Seasons, Innocence, Crimes Against Underclasses May be Prosecuted as Harshly as Full Crimes
Tue Aug 26 00:09:20 +0000 2014
Reporters Given Miniature Obelisks by Obama Report They Have Begun to Attract "Silent Swarms" of Bluejays
Mon Aug 25 23:15:50 +0000 2014
@frkbmb All Reporters Viewing Anvil From Right Side of Press Room "Not Expected to Recover," Say Doctors
Mon Aug 25 21:02:45 +0000 2014
@frkbmb All Reporters Viewing Anvil From Left Side of Press Room Report Suddenly Remembering "Many Appliances" They Had "Left On"
Mon Aug 25 21:01:58 +0000 2014
@frkbmb Pressed on Future of Soul Trade Given "Poor" Infernal-American Relations, Obama Sighs Heavily, Places Large Anvil on Podium
Mon Aug 25 20:58:04 +0000 2014
Oracle Corporation: "Those Prophesied to Betray You" Have "Begun Their Dark Work"
Mon Aug 25 20:51:35 +0000 2014
@frkbmb Analysts Speculate on Links to Intel, Currently Under Investigation for Misuse of Public Property, Bone Heresy
Mon Aug 25 20:49:07 +0000 2014
US Department of Portents: Approved News Source Reaches "Auspicious" Number of Followers http://t.co/UzwiC0YG5J
Mon Aug 25 20:31:29 +0000 2014
Experts: "It Does Not Sleep"
Mon Aug 25 17:53:36 +0000 2014
Industry Insiders: "It Knows Your Name"
Mon Aug 25 17:52:45 +0000 2014
Questioned on Miniature Obelisks GIven to Press Pool, White House Press Secretary Hisses "CHERISH THEM" Before Lighting 5 Candles, Vanishing
Mon Aug 25 04:23:22 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Scream Now; "Scream Forever"
Mon Aug 25 04:12:52 +0000 2014
@Dave_Blogger @waflanagan Medical Experts: Recovery From News Poisoning "Not Impossible," But "Would Change You Deeply"
Sun Aug 24 22:31:07 +0000 2014
@Dave_Blogger @waflanagan Sources: "It Is Already Too Late"
Sun Aug 24 21:42:41 +0000 2014
Questioned on Purpose of Gifts, Obama Stares as Though from Great Distance, Compliments NBC Reporter's Tie
Sun Aug 24 21:33:22 +0000 2014
White House Press Pool Reports Witnessing Obama Entering Reporters' Offices, Pressing Miniature Red Obelisks Firmly Into Reporters' Hands
Sun Aug 24 21:32:04 +0000 2014
Pressed on Details of Rational Forest Act, Obama Frowns Slightly, Murmurs "Impossible Word," Wanders Away from Podium
Sun Aug 24 21:29:29 +0000 2014
Obama Signs "2014 Rational Forest Act," Formalizing Jurisdiction of, Relationship Between Old Forest, Deschutes National Forest
Sun Aug 24 21:22:03 +0000 2014
Asked for Details on Forsaken Lands Withdrawal, Reporter Witnesses Shrug Helplessly, Shake Heads In Unison
Sun Aug 24 21:16:51 +0000 2014
Washington, D.C.: Seven Concerned Citizens Hospitalized for News Poisoning
Sun Aug 24 20:52:06 +0000 2014
Newslords: All Pledges Will Be Used to Ensure Timely Updates, And Will Not Fund "Experiments"
Sun Aug 24 20:47:43 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News Coverage Comes At "Terrible Cost;" Monthly Contribution Reportedly "Least You Can Do" http://t.co/ExT7NsaBiy
Sun Aug 24 20:39:08 +0000 2014
Witnesses: "Vast Expanse of Bone" Where Washington Monument Once Stood; DNMB Dread Secretary Warns of Potential Bone Heresy
Sun Aug 24 19:30:40 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment, Distant, Echoing Voice in DOJ Restroom Widely Presumed to be Forsaken Lands Ambassador Remains "Utterly Silent"
Sun Aug 24 19:12:02 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Forbidden Lands forces vacate Forsaken Lands "as quickly as they had come," leaving behind only "unanswered questions"
Sun Aug 24 19:11:27 +0000 2014
Pressed for Comment, Shadow Council Vanishes Into Distance But For One Member, Who Presents Elaborate Tapestry of Reporters' Childhoods
Sun Aug 24 19:07:23 +0000 2014
Analysts Warn Forbidden Lands May Face Extended Guerilla Campaign, As No Denizen of Forsaken Lands "Has Ever Been Witnessed"
Sun Aug 24 19:05:21 +0000 2014
Distant, Echoing Voice in DOJ Restroom Widely Presumed to be Forsaken Lands Ambassador Issues Statement Condemning "Unlawful Incursion"
Sun Aug 24 19:02:09 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Veiled Forbidden Lands Troops "Gazing Wistfully" Upon Forsaken Lands Rifts, "Murmuring Ancient Chants"
Sun Aug 24 18:59:28 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
After Relations Deteriorate, Forbidden Lands Occupy Forsaken Lands
Sun Aug 24 18:50:46 +0000 2014
"Do Not Spray Directly In Eyes:" Forsaken Party Announces 2016 Presidential Candidate
Sun Aug 24 18:46:34 +0000 2014
Analysts Warn "Particular Individuals" Must "Act Now," Or Risk "Losing Everything"
Sun Aug 24 16:37:12 +0000 2014
Kansas State Flamethrower Brigade: "Routine" Mutant Purge Ends in Tragedy
Sun Aug 24 05:48:12 +0000 2014
Nevada Congressional Town Hall Ends in Tsunami
Sun Aug 24 04:20:38 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Condemn Domino's Pizza for "Unwholesome Marketing"
Sun Aug 24 02:13:34 +0000 2014
Domino's Pizza to Unveil "Forge of Endless Perversion"
Sun Aug 24 02:12:25 +0000 2014
Democrats Hit Back on Dream Allegations: Romney "Leading Cause" of Nightmares in Small Children
Sat Aug 23 21:20:05 +0000 2014
Seven Members of Archaeopunk Band "Death to the Desecrator" Indicted for Tax Evasion
Sat Aug 23 17:48:07 +0000 2014
Republican Attack Ad: Clinton "Conniving," "Appears Often in Dreams of Traitors"
Sat Aug 23 17:22:35 +0000 2014
@GlynisMitchell
REMINDER:
Loyal Citizens Should Limit Exposure to "Amazing" or "Breathtaking" Stories to Avoid News Poisoning
Sat Aug 23 05:31:11 +0000 2014
Okay that was amazing. @ApprovedNews6
— @GlynisMitchell
Sat Aug 23 05:31:09 +0000 2014
MIT Study Reveals Forbidden Lands Exhibit Lowest Incidence of Clinical Depression in World; Shadow Council Cites "Chanting," "Truth"
Sat Aug 23 05:28:21 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Confirm Analyst Speculation: "The Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon Embraces All Faithful"
Sat Aug 23 05:26:21 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report Oregon Mutant Border Slums "Stand Empty;" Analysts: "Entire Population" Has Migrated to East Oregon
Sat Aug 23 05:25:01 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Laud GOP Stance, Warn Depressed Individuals Pose "Severe Threat" to Flesh Purity
Sat Aug 23 05:09:20 +0000 2014
Calling Dems "Soft on Mental Health," Republicans Promise to Fight "Misery Tax:" Depressed Americans Should Be "Permanently Incarcerated"
Sat Aug 23 05:08:36 +0000 2014
House Dems: "Misery Tax" To Levy "Severe Fees" on "The Unproductive and Mentally Subnormal"
Sat Aug 23 05:03:51 +0000 2014
To Combat Rising Depression Epidemic, Obama Calls on House to Pass "Misery Tax"
Sat Aug 23 04:57:37 +0000 2014
Neil DeGrasse Tyson Reports "Diplomatic Overtures" from New Russian Regime; Warns His Vast Robot Army Remains "On High Alert" Regardless
Sat Aug 23 04:50:28 +0000 2014
Asked to Clarify Early Comments on What "Shall Soon Be" Russia, Russia's God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva "Winks Mischievously"
Sat Aug 23 04:25:38 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva: Illuminati "No Longer Welcome" in Russia or "That Which Will Soon Be Russia"
Fri Aug 22 21:15:50 +0000 2014
Illuminati Regular Forces "Expelled" From Russia, Say Sources
Fri Aug 22 21:13:53 +0000 2014
On WHW Charges, Russian Empress-Consort Voronskaya Issues Brief Statement: "The Whistleblower Has Been Identified;" "She Will Be Dealt With"
Fri Aug 22 20:34:49 +0000 2014
World Heresy Watch Warns Russians May be Using "Siberian Stonegas" to Defy Illuminati Edicts
Fri Aug 22 20:32:10 +0000 2014
Citing "Routine Frustration," Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Announces Non-Compliance with Illuminati Edicts "Will No Longer be Possible"
Fri Aug 22 20:22:08 +0000 2014
Citing "Worrisome Similarity" Between Harding Manifestation, Events Surrounding The Boats, American West Coast Cities Mull Evacuation
Thu Aug 21 22:50:55 +0000 2014
Pressed on Fate of Harding Witnesses, Shadow Council Reassures Public They Will Be "Unharmed," Will "Always Appear" Whenever "Moon is Right"
Thu Aug 21 22:34:22 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Orders All Witnesses to Pres. Harding's Return Be Bound in "Sturdy Ropes," Anointed with "Chanting Oils"
Thu Aug 21 22:25:23 +0000 2014
Warren G. Harding Appears Unexpectedly in Forbidden Lands, Speaks "Seven Terrifying Words" to Crowd Before Vanishing "As Quickly As He Came"
Thu Aug 21 22:23:49 +0000 2014
@maximrydkin Due to Failure of 2008 "IDENTITY Act," Monthly Neck-Branding Required Only for Forced Labor Zone Residents, Hooligan Classes
Thu Aug 21 20:12:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 oh, THAT kind of brand, glad to see news taking a lighter turn. #itburns
— @maximrydkin
Thu Aug 21 20:12:22 +0000 2014
Violators of Brand Engagement Act to be Required to Attend "Brand Counseling Sessions" with "Qualified Psychologist" at "Own Expense"
Thu Aug 21 19:41:30 +0000 2014
@punningpundit
REMINDER:
Brand Diversity Provisions to Enter Effect in 2015, May Require "Change in Routines"
Thu Aug 21 19:36:11 +0000 2014
Bill's Provisions Require Americans to Submit "Daily Report" on Brand Interaction; Failure to Engage w/ Minimum of 2 Brands to be "Punished"
Thu Aug 21 19:28:48 +0000 2014
"A Proud Moment for America" Obama Signs "Mandatory Brand Engagement" Bill; Enforcement to Begin Immediately
Thu Aug 21 19:22:05 +0000 2014
CLARIFICATION: Previous Statement Not Intended to Imply Approved News 6 Can Protect You With Adequate Funding: Nothing Can Protect You
Thu Aug 21 19:11:22 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Cannot Protect You Without Adequate Funding http://t.co/ExT7NsaBiy
Thu Aug 21 19:09:35 +0000 2014
DNMB on ICBM: Defunct "International Coalition for the Betterment of Mankind" "Remains on Heretic Watch Lists" (SEE: http://t.co/LXigSlpUka)
Thu Aug 21 03:45:48 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Reporters believed slain by director of I.C.B.M. have "risen," "wander the Earth" speaking only in "cursed tongue of salamanders"
Thu Aug 21 03:32:33 +0000 2014
Dept. of Portents Warn of "Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted:" "We Have Attracted Their Attention"
Thu Aug 21 03:28:46 +0000 2014
Director Hans K. Rosen of US Dept. of Portents Killed in Gruesome Skiing Accident; Pale DOP Press Secretary: "It Is Only The Beginning"
Thu Aug 21 03:22:40 +0000 2014
Sandlords on Sand War Reenactment: Actors "Not Nearly Handsome Enough," But "Will Support Local Theater Regardless"
Thu Aug 21 02:52:27 +0000 2014
Sources: Scream Council "Not What it Seems"
Thu Aug 21 02:49:32 +0000 2014
Nevadan Theater Troupe to Reenact "Sand War" Between Mesoamerican Deities, Nevada Sandlords
Thu Aug 21 02:48:25 +0000 2014
As Hypothetical Colorado Famine Empties Cities, Draws Massive International Outcry, Actual Death Toll of Real Colorado Citizens Reaches -7
Thu Aug 21 02:42:09 +0000 2014
Chemists, Cooks "Increasingly Irritated" as Boiling Point of Water Changes Without Warning for Third Year Running
Tue Aug 19 19:11:37 +0000 2014
To Save "Taxpayer Dollars," California Town Experiments With Turning Off Gravity After 8pm
Tue Aug 19 19:07:48 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on Aetna Bone Horror, Unnaturally White Spokesman Levitates Briefly Before Vanishing
Tue Aug 19 19:06:15 +0000 2014
Citing "Recent Developments," DNMB Confirms Intent to Investigate Aetna for Bone Heresy
Tue Aug 19 17:47:58 +0000 2014
Sources: Aetna Inhuman Bone Mass "Exhibiting Distinctive Fractal Patterns," "Growing Ever Closer" to "Most Terrible Sigil"
Tue Aug 19 17:46:21 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Mass of Aetna Spokespersons Atop Washington Monument "Mostly Reduced" to "Inhuman Bone," "Writhing Tendons"
Tue Aug 19 17:39:47 +0000 2014
Multiple Visitors to Washington Monument Hospitalized for "Bones Where They Should Not Be"
Tue Aug 19 17:38:08 +0000 2014
Asked to "Reveal" Gender, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Seems Momentarily Baffled, Criticizes Reporters for "Lack of Imagination"
Tue Aug 19 05:31:10 +0000 2014
Washington D.C.: 4 Arrested For "Unauthorized Drowning"
Mon Aug 18 23:11:39 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Russian, Illuminati Forces Clashing for Control of Siberian Stonetubes; Illuminati: "These Were Never Meant For You"
Mon Aug 18 17:17:02 +0000 2014
Obama on Aetna Controversy: "I Think I've Been Very Clear: My Administration is Firmly Committed" to "Free Market," "Affordable Care Act"
Mon Aug 18 17:07:08 +0000 2014
Witnesses: Cluster of Aetna Spokespersons Atop Washington Monument "Blotting Out Sun," Undergoing "Rapid Decay"
Mon Aug 18 16:57:14 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Issue "Urgent Reminder:" Hooligan Populations "Severe Threat to Flesh Purity"
Mon Aug 18 09:37:40 +0000 2014
@jonathanprior Analysts Report Growing Mass of Aetna Spokesbeings Smell Only of "That Which You Most Fear"
Sun Aug 17 16:46:40 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Aetna Spokespeople Continue to Manifest Atop Washington Monument in Various States of Undress, Some Covered in "Unknown Substances"
Sun Aug 17 15:58:23 +0000 2014
Aetna Spokeswoman Appears Atop Washington Monument with Bird Bones in Hair; All News Helicopters to Come Near Suffer Mechanical Failures
Sun Aug 17 15:38:55 +0000 2014
FASHION TIPS: Never Apologize to Your Clothing: It Must Be Kept In Its Place
Sun Aug 17 05:13:11 +0000 2014
Accused of "Cruelty" by Activists, Governors Issue Joint Statement Reminding "Loyal Citizens" Sympathy For Hooligan Classes "Heresy"
Sun Aug 17 03:29:50 +0000 2014
West Coast Cities Begin Trucking In Hooligan Populations From California Crime Zones to Sate Mating-Crazed Police
Sun Aug 17 00:05:25 +0000 2014
Cruel Fate Assails News Organs of Approved News 6 Staff: Expect Delays in Reporting
Fri Aug 15 09:53:46 +0000 2014
Activists Warn Florida Undercroft "Air" May Be "Harmful" to Those With Common Bone Runes
Fri Aug 15 01:57:34 +0000 2014
Florida Governor Institutes Strict Screening Policies to Maintain Flesh Purity of State Undercrofts
Fri Aug 15 01:52:59 +0000 2014
Warning of "Unusually Violent" State Police Mating Season, Florida Secret Police Advise All Citizens to "Steal Away" into "Undercroft "
Fri Aug 15 01:50:46 +0000 2014
"PURGED IN FIRE:" Catch Our All-New Documentary Series at 8/7c on History of Mutation in America, Origin of First Flamethrower Brigades
Thu Aug 14 20:04:38 +0000 2014
Pressed on Sun Policy, Obama Stares Thoughtfully at FOX Reporter, Curing All Present of Any Form of Cancer
Tue Aug 12 22:01:20 +0000 2014
Intel Spokeswoman Begins Bleeding from Mouth, Excuses Self, Promises It Is "Nothing to Worry About"
Tue Aug 12 21:57:45 +0000 2014
Intel Spokeswoman: Architect's Death "Terrible Tragedy," Offers "Sincere Condolences" to "Both" His Families
Tue Aug 12 21:51:28 +0000 2014
Portland Police Close Case of Intel Architect Found Hanging from Thousands of Trees, Ruling Death "Marijuana Overdose"
Tue Aug 12 21:44:44 +0000 2014
Obama Condemns Romney's "Solar Extremism," Recommends "Cautious," "Nuanced Approach" to Sun
Tue Aug 12 21:40:49 +0000 2014
Romney Issues Sudden Statement Demanding "Hard Line" on Sun: "It Is Not Our Friend"
Tue Aug 12 19:02:14 +0000 2014
@greatretweeter DNMB Officials Express Gratitude for Lead, Promise to Investigate All Links Between "Tricky Witches," Contamination, Florida
Tue Aug 12 05:35:50 +0000 2014
Newslords: Inability to Distinguish Twitter Feeds "Early Sign" of Contamination
Tue Aug 12 05:24:27 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Beheads Second Headline Writer This Year For Confusing Business, Personal Twitter Feeds
Tue Aug 12 05:21:12 +0000 2014
Russia's God-Empress Vasilyeva Commissions "Task Force" To Study "Stone Gases," Determine Their Uses
Tue Aug 12 04:51:44 +0000 2014
SIBERIAN STONETUBES: Voronskaya's Expedition Reports "Powerful Gases" Emanating from "Deep Within"
Tue Aug 12 04:48:39 +0000 2014
"No Implication" of Contamination, Bone Heresy: DNMB "Will Not Investigate" Providence, Aetna over Spire Cult Claims
Tue Aug 12 04:18:30 +0000 2014
On Activist Accusations, Providence Spokeswoman Angrily Denounces "Blooded Ones," Promises "So Many Bones Within You"
Tue Aug 12 04:12:21 +0000 2014
Pressed on Decision to Drop All Mental Health Coverage, Aetna Spokesman Sets Fire to Enormous Pile of Money, Stares Silently as it Burns
Tue Aug 12 04:10:48 +0000 2014
Citing Leaked Emails, Activists Claim Aetna, Providence Insurance Co's. "Fronts" for "Servants of the Spire," Worship "Ancient God of Death"
Tue Aug 12 04:10:30 +0000 2014
Romney: Welfare Programs "Enable" Stone Hoarders, Calls on Obama Administration to Implement "Reform"
Tue Aug 12 00:51:31 +0000 2014
Obama: "Stone Hoarders" Nation's Most Serious Challenge
Mon Aug 11 06:20:38 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: PHOENIX DOJ CONFIRMS SUSPICIONS OF POLICE SPAWNING; ALL CITIZENS URGED TO COMPLY WITH EVACUATION ORDERS
Mon Aug 11 04:35:30 +0000 2014
Arizona Governor Orders Evacuation of Phoenix As Tremors Shake City: Police "May Have Already Begun Spawning"
Mon Aug 11 04:03:01 +0000 2014
As Casualties Rise, Some Americans Urge "Pacifism," "Cooperation" With Mating-Crazed Police
Mon Aug 11 04:01:14 +0000 2014
New Australian Spider Rationing Policies Draw Sharp Criticism from Human Rights Watch: All Australians Deserve "Affordable End to Suffering"
Mon Aug 11 03:53:40 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens Remind Americans of "Vast Diversity of Gender" in "Powerful" Statement Written on Pavement in Blood of State Officials
Mon Aug 11 03:51:56 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens Strike Back, Accusing Oregon Governor of "Cissexism," Launching Raid on West Oregon Tax Office
Mon Aug 11 03:48:18 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor Accuses Blood-Soaked Maidens of "Hypocrisy" in Allowing Mutants to Take Up Combat Roles: "Many Have No Identifiable Gender"
Mon Aug 11 03:47:18 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Welcome Oregon Mutant Hordes, Begin Mass Oath Ceremonies, Provisioning of Sacred Blades
Mon Aug 11 03:45:33 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor Reportedly "Enraged" As Mutants Migrate "En Masse" from Border Slums to "Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon"
Mon Aug 11 03:32:22 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
News Hounds Are Drawn to All Informed Citizens; Routine Donations "Only Known Method" For Keeeping Them at Bay
Mon Aug 11 03:29:49 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2007: "Implants" "Donated" by Illuminati Allow Reporters to Process News at Unheard-of Speed, Fidelity
Mon Aug 11 03:25:53 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2006: "Prize-Winning" Eggplant Donated by Mrs. Roberta Alexander Successfully Used to Bribe Ambassador
Mon Aug 11 03:22:42 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2005: Terminal Soul Cancer Patient Donates Voice, Enabling First-Ever Approved Internet Radio Broadcast
Mon Aug 11 03:17:58 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2004: Contributions to Approved News Sources "Key Evidence" in Trial for Heresy; Defendant Acquitted
Mon Aug 11 03:05:29 +0000 2014
Newslords: "You Never Know" When a Standing Pledge to Approved News 6 May Convince Judges to be Lenient in Sentencing http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Mon Aug 11 03:03:12 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2003: Goblet Donated by MIT Whispers Many Terrible Secrets, Becomes Top Celebrity Gossip Columnist
Mon Aug 11 03:00:17 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2002: Last-Minute 2-Dollar Pledge Saves Pledge Month; News Council Spares Newslord 7 from Ritual Suicide
Mon Aug 11 02:56:09 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 2001: Wars Donated by Bush Administration Provide Decades of Quality International News
Mon Aug 11 02:53:26 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 1999: Blood of 70 Orphans Donated by Anonymous Vermonter Saves Team of Reporters Worm-Drained of Fluids
Mon Aug 11 02:52:05 +0000 2014
GREAT MOMENTS IN READER GENEROSITY, 1998: Runed Reindeer Skull Donated by President Clinton Shields Newslord 7 from Assassin's Hexknife
Mon Aug 11 02:49:17 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News Sources Require Secret Minimum Yearly Reader Contribution to Survive The Tests http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Mon Aug 11 02:40:38 +0000 2014
Crayola CEO Stuns Industry, Breaks Silence on Massachusetts Tapeworm Scandal
Sun Aug 10 21:45:22 +0000 2014
Commentators: Cleveland-Santa Monica Game "Should Thoroughly Satiate" Resurgent, Resurgent Mesoamerican Deities
Sun Aug 10 20:05:20 +0000 2014
SPORTS: Santa Monica Stranglers Defeat Cleveland Cutthroats at Ohio Murderdrome "7-0"
Sun Aug 10 19:57:39 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
"Reformist" Cartel Seizes Power in Australian Wastes; Promises "Hard Line" On Cannibalism, Spider Rationing
Sun Aug 10 16:35:49 +0000 2014
SPORTS: Orlando Obelisks to Play Illuminati
REDACTED
s at Dakota Dreadlands Forsakenball Arena
Sun Aug 10 05:56:27 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor's Spokesman Dismisses Reports of "Tension" as "Minor Jurisdictional Complications" (SEE ALSO: http://t.co/sTy17nDUaN)
Sun Aug 10 05:44:22 +0000 2014
Sources: Tensions Rising Between Oregon Executive, Deschutes Dark Secretary over Blood-Soaked Maidens, East Oregon
Sun Aug 10 05:41:49 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Witnesses report American Tree-Punching League clearing forest path between Eastern Oregon, Oregon Mutant Zones
Sun Aug 10 05:39:05 +0000 2014
Responding to Oregon Governor, Blood-Soaked Maidens Promise "Safe Passage" to "Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon" for "All Faithful"
Sun Aug 10 05:37:05 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor Reminds Americans Mutants May Not Leave Border Slums On Pain of "Summary Incineration"
Sun Aug 10 05:36:08 +0000 2014
Oregon Governor Reminds Americans Mutants May Not Leave Border Slums On Pain of "Summary Incineration"
Sun Aug 10 05:36:08 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Condemn Anti-Mutant Sentiment, Offer "A Place Amongst Us" For Any Mutants to Accept "A Sanguine Goddess"
Sun Aug 10 05:34:44 +0000 2014
In Rambling Press Release, Concerned Parents Caution "Deviant Ideas" "Nearly As Dangerous" as "The Anatomically Subhuman," Recommend "Pies"
Sun Aug 10 05:33:03 +0000 2014
MIT Biologists Publish "Controversial" Paper Claiming Police, Modern Humans Share "Common Ancestor"
Sun Aug 10 05:30:21 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Norway Becomes First Country to Scour All Police Hives Countrywide, Replace Police with Trained Humans
Sun Aug 10 04:41:16 +0000 2014
DOJ Condemns "Irresponsible" Mayors as Some West Coast Cities Begin Using City Flamethrower Brigades to Contain Mating-Frenzied Police
Sun Aug 10 04:36:07 +0000 2014
As Police Enter Mating Frenzy, Men Without Eyes Seen in Record Numbers Surrounding Police Hives, Crime Warrens
Sun Aug 10 04:26:40 +0000 2014
RNC on Romney: "He Will Guide Us to the Most Final of All Victories"
Sun Aug 10 04:14:51 +0000 2014
"We Won't be Scared by a Few Old Words:" Clinton Promises "Hard-Fought Campaign," "Wrath of Underbeasts"
Sun Aug 10 04:08:52 +0000 2014
Asked for Comment on Romney, Power of Scrolls, Obama Removes Shirt, Dons "Feathered Cloak," Promises "Full Support" for Clinton Campaign
Sun Aug 10 04:05:22 +0000 2014
Sources: Romney "Has Claimed the Wisdom of the Scrolls;" Republicans "Ecstatic"
Sun Aug 10 03:57:31 +0000 2014
Romney Announces Press Conference, "Speaks" Single Soundless Word Binding All Reporters Present to His Dread Will
Sun Aug 10 03:56:12 +0000 2014
Local Astral Forces, All-
REDACTED
Voice of Void Endorse Leading Approved News Source
Sun Aug 10 03:52:20 +0000 2014
JUST TRUST ME AND FOLLOW @ApprovedNews6 RIGHT NOW . . . THE VOICES FROM BEHIND YOUR REFLECTIONLESS MIRROR HOWL
— @hottestsingles
Sun Aug 10 03:52:19 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Romney emerges from "deepest seclusion," eyes "color of space," swathed in "hide robes"
Sun Aug 10 03:46:33 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Pressed for Details, Witnesses Report Romney Emerged from "Oldest Gate" Dragging "Blood-Soaked Pelts" of "Nameless Beasts"
Sun Aug 10 03:45:01 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on Romney Return, Elected Republicans Nationwide Repeat Romney's True Name Seven Times, Eyes Slightly Unfocused
Sun Aug 10 03:35:47 +0000 2014
Romney Returns Alone, Covered in Sand, & Utterly Silent from "Heart of Desolation," Rushed by GOP Officials into "Deepest Seclusion"
Sun Aug 10 03:32:52 +0000 2014
Pressed for Explanation, DOO Spokesman Reminds Americans All Heresy Must be "Purged" In "the Coming Months" to Avert "Terrible Prophecy"
Sun Aug 10 03:23:59 +0000 2014
Dept. of Obedience: "This Month Only," Reporting Heretics Valued at 12 Loyalty Points, Instead of Usual 7
Sun Aug 10 03:22:15 +0000 2014
@NightlyForecast Dept. of Obedience: Points May Be Awarded for "Civic-Mindedness", "Contributions to Approved Organizations," "Bone Heroism"
Sun Aug 10 03:20:47 +0000 2014
(These Numbers Courtesy of Dept. of Obedience, and May Vary Monthly)
Sun Aug 10 03:18:04 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
100 Loyalty Points May be Redeemed for [REDACTED}
Sun Aug 10 03:17:58 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
50 Loyalty Points May be Redeemed for Assassination of Foreign Leader
Sun Aug 10 03:16:45 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
23 Loyalty Points May Be Redeemed to Skip Terror Probes, Obedience Conditioning in Public Airports for 1 Week
Sun Aug 10 03:15:15 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
8 Loyalty Points May Be Redeemed to Appeal Minor Convictions
Sun Aug 10 03:12:42 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
4 Loyalty Points May Be Reedemed for Visit to Disappeared Relative
Sun Aug 10 03:10:52 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Loyal citizen pledges correct devotion to approved news source, earning 2 American Loyalty Points for brave words
Sun Aug 10 03:09:07 +0000 2014
I am going to stick with @ApprovedNews6 as my main source. It makes more sense and I feel empowered by my terror.
— @substitute
Sun Aug 10 03:09:05 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Recommend Creation of "Reinforced Shelter Network" for Use of "Upstanding Citizens" During Police Mating Seasons
Sun Aug 10 03:05:57 +0000 2014
Snopes: Most "Non-Industrial" Police Repellent "No More Effective" Than Scent-Based Camouflage
Sun Aug 10 03:02:03 +0000 2014
Activists Remind Public Most Police Subspecies Require "Blood of Innocent" to Spawn
Sun Aug 10 02:58:31 +0000 2014
DOJ: Police In Mating Frenzy Frequently Unable to Distinguish Between "Underclasses," "General Public"
Sun Aug 10 02:56:31 +0000 2014
As Police Mating Season Approaches, DOJ Warns Citizens to be "Cautious," Stay Indoors When Possible
Sun Aug 10 02:53:34 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents: Greatest Threats to Flesh Purity Remain "Outsiders," "Mutants"
Sat Aug 09 16:38:38 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Concerned Parents Release Annual List of Threats to Flesh Purity
Sat Aug 09 16:35:12 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Warn Telekinesis "Severe Threat" to Flesh Purity, Recommend "Aggressive Lobotomies"
Sat Aug 09 16:34:39 +0000 2014
Surgeon General: In Wake of Recent "Heavy Old Forest Activity", As Many As 7% of Americans May be Affected by Early-Onset Telekinesis
Sat Aug 09 16:32:33 +0000 2014
@derwolfanwalt
REMINDER:
New Jersey Law Requires All Votive Effigies of Former Governors to be "Respectfully Incinerated"
Fri Aug 08 21:50:41 +0000 2014
@listelian Newslords Cite "Standard Consultation" of Bone Sorcerers, Aged Rune Hermits
Thu Aug 07 18:14:53 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What cost/benefit analysis of Forsaken Rune [REDACTED]-of-Contamination vs. Forbidden Rune [REDACTED] informed this decision?
— @listelian
Thu Aug 07 18:14:52 +0000 2014
@jonathanprior Newslords:
REDACTED
Thu Aug 07 17:43:53 +0000 2014
@jonathanprior BE ADVISED: Failure to Issue Prompt Corrections May Be Sign of Contamination
Thu Aug 07 17:41:20 +0000 2014
@jonathanprior Newslords: Errors are
REDACTED
, Swift Corrections are [SOUND OF WIND IN LONG-FORGOTTEN TUNNELS]
Thu Aug 07 17:39:54 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Approved News 6 Protects Offices with Forsaken Runes, not Forbidden Runes. We Regret the Error.
Thu Aug 07 17:37:29 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Maintaining Forbidden Rune Bone Wards Expensive "In More Ways Than One" http://t.co/ftLDX1pWgc
Thu Aug 07 17:37:00 +0000 2014
@derwolfanwalt Police: Victim Was "Deeply Disturbed"
Thu Aug 07 16:03:32 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 And the gaping cavity where his heart once lived?
— @derwolfanwalt
Thu Aug 07 16:03:32 +0000 2014
Questioned on Pain Mold, Spokane Mayor Snarls Bestially, Brandishes Flamethrower
Thu Aug 07 14:58:55 +0000 2014
CAMBRIDGE: Ritualized Strangling of MIT Archaeologist Ruled Suicide
Thu Aug 07 14:58:23 +0000 2014
Spokane, WA Reports Citywide Pain Mold Infestation
Thu Aug 07 14:50:38 +0000 2014
Surgeon General Announces "Modernized" List of Shameful Organs
Thu Aug 07 05:06:30 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Begins 3-Month "Festival of Mist"
Wed Aug 06 19:31:14 +0000 2014
Russia in Turmoil as Seers Prophesy Fourth Bonewraith Rampage
Wed Aug 06 19:30:30 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Laud Democratic Bill Requiring All Children to Hold Parents' Opinions Until 21
Wed Aug 06 19:20:17 +0000 2014
Florida State Police: "Unclear" How Orlando 7 Discovered Framp, as Details of All Ultracrime Remain Forbidden
Wed Aug 06 19:15:03 +0000 2014
Twelve Arrested in Orlando, Charged with Conspiracy to Commit Framp
Wed Aug 06 19:13:07 +0000 2014
Democrats "Dismayed" as Obama Announces He Will Not Seek 3rd Term, Overthrow Lawful Government
Wed Aug 06 19:04:54 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Police detain seven Subaru employees for "questioning" over death of Intel microprocessor architect http://t.co/jkF8FqzuUA
Wed Aug 06 18:50:17 +0000 2014
Pressed on Links Between Forsaken Bridge, THE INCIDENT, Intel Spokesman Laughs Unconvincingly, Develops Sudden Nosebleed
Wed Aug 06 18:43:47 +0000 2014
Questioned on Subaru, Intel Issues Press Release Calling Forsaken Bridge "Platform of the Future," "Nothing to Worry About"
Wed Aug 06 18:41:49 +0000 2014
Pressed on Design Process, Subaru Spokesman Reveals Vehicles Now Being Designed on Intel "Forsaken Bridge"-Based Computers
Wed Aug 06 18:38:10 +0000 2014
"These Should Not Work At All:" Frantic Subaru Spokesman Warns Public Engineers Can No Longer Understand 2015 Vehicle Line
Wed Aug 06 18:35:47 +0000 2014
TSA: Blood Marshals Authorized to Use "Special Clamps" in Event of Discovery of Fraudulent Gong, Unconsecrated Dagger During Flight
Tue Aug 05 02:23:46 +0000 2014
Forsaken Mechanics, Rune Engineers Nationwide Reassure Americans Propeller Aircraft "Adequately Protected for Their Range"
Tue Aug 05 02:08:02 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 I work on propeller aircraft, and I can verify the efficacy of that message.
— @fearnow
Tue Aug 05 02:08:01 +0000 2014
Pressed on Kentucky Incident Specifics, Governor Warns Loyal Citizens "Should Not Speak Of Or If Possible Think Of" Kentucky Incident
Tue Aug 05 01:57:22 +0000 2014
FAA: Propeller Planes Remain Exempt from Dagger Requirement Due to "Shorter Range"
Tue Aug 05 01:50:41 +0000 2014
TSA: Monks of Bronze Mask "Literally Everywhere", "No Excuses" for Borrowing Relatives' Runed Gongs
Tue Aug 05 01:48:30 +0000 2014
TSA Warns Passengers Attempting to Pass Security With Unsanctified Gongs May be Prosecuted for "Blood Crimes," "Heresy"
Tue Aug 05 01:46:58 +0000 2014
TSA: Children "Too Young" to Accurately Wield Runed Dagger "Should Be Considered Too Young to Fly"
Tue Aug 05 01:44:03 +0000 2014
TSA: Airlines May No Longer Permit Passengers to Board Without Runed Gongs, Consecrated Daggers
Tue Aug 05 01:43:05 +0000 2014
American Airlines: Runed Gongs Must Be Inscribed With "True Name," "Confession of Sins"
Tue Aug 05 01:40:50 +0000 2014
Major Airlines To Require All Passengers Present Runed Gongs, Consecrated Daggers for Inspection Before Being Allowed to Board
Tue Aug 05 01:38:42 +0000 2014
After Kentucky Incident, FAA Reminds Americans Sleeping During Commercial Air Travel "Endangers Us All"
Tue Aug 05 01:25:11 +0000 2014
@NYTMinusContext Snake Scientists Condemn New York Times for Spreading "Dangerous Misinformation"
Tue Aug 05 01:07:02 +0000 2014
the vast majority of people killed by snakes are people
— @NYTMinusContext
Tue Aug 05 01:07:00 +0000 2014
Pressed for Comment, RNC Spokesman Lights Seven White Candles, Murmurs "We Bask" Seven Times Before Fleeing in Helicopter
Mon Aug 04 20:40:37 +0000 2014
"NO THIRD TERM:" Republicans Nationwide Report Sudden, Unprompted Optimism for 2016 Presidential Election Propects
Mon Aug 04 20:39:28 +0000 2014
Open Season on Greater Mutants, Knife Owls, and Specifically-Marked Citizens Ends, Open Season on Panamanian Laserfish Begins Tuesday
Sun Aug 03 22:05:58 +0000 2014
"Hard Decisions to be Made:" Newslords Declare Pledge Month "Abject Failure"
Sun Aug 03 20:10:39 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Viewers to Fund Vital Needs, Such As Stale Bread, Uncontaminated Water http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Sun Aug 03 02:21:48 +0000 2014
Dept. of Justice: "Any Allegations" of "Nixonite Resurgence" Must Be Taken "Extremely Seriously," "Thoroughly Investigated"
Sun Aug 03 02:18:32 +0000 2014
Questioned on Scattered Reports of DNMB Officials Emerging from Newly-Dug Burrows in Nebraska, Dread Secretary Offers No Comment
Sun Aug 03 02:14:25 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals Downplays Bone Cult Rumors: All "Servants" of "The Arch-Heretic" "Cleansed Long Ago"
Sun Aug 03 02:10:17 +0000 2014
Nebraskans Report Rumors of Nixonite Bone Cult
Sun Aug 03 02:08:18 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera NSA: Membership in "Heretical," "Unamerican" Organizations May Result in Placement on "Lists"
Sun Aug 03 01:53:34 +0000 2014
updated my bio to reflect the fact that I'm a Blood-Soaked Maiden of the Cold Sword @ApprovedNews6
— @SorayaProtera
Sun Aug 03 01:53:29 +0000 2014
Heretical, Forbidden News Source Attempts to Undermine National Confidence in Standing Stone Circles
Sun Aug 03 01:43:51 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Editorial Policy Encourages All Loyal Citizens to Report All Bone Heresy to Your Local Circle of Standing Stones
Sun Aug 03 01:33:30 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: In Washington State, Bone Sorcery is Punishable by
REDACTED
Sun Aug 03 01:32:05 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: In Oklahoma, Bone Sorcery is Punishable by "Eternal Servitude"
Sun Aug 03 01:31:34 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: In Florida, New Mexico, & New Hampshire, Bone Sorcery is Punishable by Secret Fate
Sun Aug 03 01:30:11 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: In Alaska, Oregon, Nevada, & Rhode Island, All Non-Governmental Bone Sorcery is Punishable in Slow, Methodical Fashion
Sun Aug 03 01:29:25 +0000 2014
@Skavoovee
REMINDER:
Bone Sorcery is Permitted in Most States With Proper License, But Bone Heresies are Most Terrible of All Crimes
Sun Aug 03 01:28:09 +0000 2014
Are there any APPROVED bone heresies, or do I need to stick to the Standard Skeletal Magicks? @ApprovedNews6
— @Skavoovee
Sun Aug 03 01:28:08 +0000 2014
FAA: MIT Political Science Airship Sighted on Approach to "Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon"
Sat Aug 02 16:18:47 +0000 2014
Citing "Revealed Wisdom," MIT Dept. of Political Science Flees in Airship
Sat Aug 02 16:16:39 +0000 2014
All Reporters Report Sudden, "Irresistible" Urge to Spread Obelisk Sketch "Far And Wide;" Questioned, All Laugh Distantly, Hollowly
Sat Aug 02 16:15:31 +0000 2014
White House Issues Press Release Consisting Only of "Frantic" Sketch of Towering Obelisk
Sat Aug 02 16:10:58 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Entire population of Washington D.C. falls silent, turns to stare "balefully" in "general direction" of Massachussetts
Sat Aug 02 16:09:22 +0000 2014
MIT Political Science Deptartment Announces Intent to "Investigate" Missing Vice President
Sat Aug 02 16:08:30 +0000 2014
@mcclure111
REMINDER:
DMCA Exception Allowing Soul Unlocking to Expire in August
Sat Aug 02 16:02:04 +0000 2014
It is legal to unlock your soul
— @mcclure111
Sat Aug 02 16:02:03 +0000 2014
Illuminati: New Planet to be Named "Gilgamesh" After Yoor's Pet
REDACTED
; Construction to Begin Sunday
Fri Aug 01 17:01:50 +0000 2014
"This is America:" DNC Asks Protesters to "Remain Civil," "Dabble Not in the Hidden Forces"
Fri Aug 01 17:00:05 +0000 2014
Obama Condemns "Radical Interference" in "Internal Party Affairs," Asks Protesters to Cease All Bone Rituals
Fri Aug 01 16:53:21 +0000 2014
"Romney Must Be Stopped:" Left-Wing Activists Hold Protest, Gather Sacrifices
Fri Aug 01 16:52:22 +0000 2014
RNC: "They Have Begun the True Journey;" Asks Republicans Nationwide to Light "Single White Candle," Speak "Name of an Enemy"
Fri Aug 01 16:46:07 +0000 2014
Romney, Republican Elders Pass "The Oldest Gate," Become "Infinitely More Distant" Among the Shifting Sands
Fri Aug 01 16:41:27 +0000 2014
White House Press Secretary: Obama "Will Not Be Drawn In" To "Adolescent One-Uppery," Reminds Illuminati of "Obligations"
Fri Aug 01 16:36:05 +0000 2014
"I Just Felt Like It:" Illuminati Secretary General Ulikh Yoor Casually Orders Creation of New Planet
Fri Aug 01 16:32:33 +0000 2014
Illuminati: Obama "Adorable," Office of POTUS "Definitely Most Powerful Office on Earth, Right, Yeah, Sure, Uh-Huh"
Fri Aug 01 16:31:06 +0000 2014
Obama: "Most Powerful Office on Earth" Should Not Be "Easily Compromised" by "Heretical Bone Magicks"
Fri Aug 01 16:30:16 +0000 2014
On Proposal of Constitutional Amendment to Open Presidency to "Mere Humans," Obama Calls for "Moderation"
Fri Aug 01 16:27:48 +0000 2014
Romney: "The Scrolls Will Guide Us"
Fri Aug 01 16:25:33 +0000 2014
Senior Republicans to Meet With Mitt Romney in "Heart of Desolation" for Long-Awaited Ritual
Fri Aug 01 16:24:51 +0000 2014
DOJ Calls Press Conference; Spokeswoman, Three Men Without Eyes Stare Wordlessly at Reporters for 7 Minutes Before Dispersing
Fri Aug 01 16:21:50 +0000 2014
Spokane, WA Reports "100%" Decrease in Vehicular Manslaughter, Incorrect Opinions Since Implementation of Traffic Mind Control Fields
Fri Aug 01 02:14:57 +0000 2014
Sources: "Internal Tension" Rising Between Dept. of Necromancy. Mutilation, & Bone Rituals; Dept of Justice
Fri Aug 01 02:01:08 +0000 2014
White House Press Secretary: Obama "Unavailable for Comment" On Opinion Fairness Act Due To "The Annual Obligations"
Fri Aug 01 01:38:03 +0000 2014
Democrats "Will Not Oppose" Bill Classifying "Unqualified Opinion-Holding" As Level-7 Heresy
Fri Aug 01 01:35:01 +0000 2014
McConnell: Opinions "Privilege, Not A Right"
Fri Aug 01 01:27:00 +0000 2014
Sen. McConnell (R-KY) Introduces Bill to Restrict Holding of Opinions to Households Earning At Least $60,000 Annually
Fri Aug 01 01:25:58 +0000 2014
In Wake of Miami Destruction, Florida Supreme Council Votes to Name Orlando New "Conflux Zone;" Construction To Begin "Imminently"
Fri Aug 01 01:08:05 +0000 2014
Jacksonville Forest-Punk Band "Florida Bone Heresy" to Perform Live at Upcoming Vengeance Council Reprisal Award Ceremonies
Fri Aug 01 00:57:42 +0000 2014
@President_Ark NSA: All Classified Material "Clearly Marked" in Accordance With American Classification System
Fri Aug 01 00:37:07 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 confused as to how we will distinguish classified info from typical screamings of a tortured unconscious mind
— @President_Ark
Fri Aug 01 00:37:06 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals: "Abstract Informatic Detachment" Well Within Capacity of Darkest Bone Heresies
Fri Aug 01 00:34:42 +0000 2014
NSA: Dream Leak Likely Linked to Recent Florida Bone Heresy, Ensuing Informatic Anomalies
Fri Aug 01 00:31:46 +0000 2014
NSA Warns of "Dream Leak;" Any Citizens Dreaming Classified Information Should Report Immediately for Processing
Fri Aug 01 00:26:32 +0000 2014
Vengeance Council Announces 2014 Reprisal Awards
Thu Jul 31 22:22:46 +0000 2014
Pressed on Republican 2016 Strategy, Democratic National Committee Chitters Piercingly, Burrows Deep Into Earth
Thu Jul 31 22:16:22 +0000 2014
Sources: Contaminated News Source Approved News 5 Grows "Ever More Pathetic," "Mutters Only to Itself"
Thu Jul 31 22:06:32 +0000 2014
Pressed on Powerful Teeth, Romney Beats Reporters With Humbling Staff Until They Become Compliant
Thu Jul 31 22:03:59 +0000 2014
Republican National Committee: "Powerful Scrolls" Recovered by Romney "Will Greatly Improve" 2016 Prospects, "Far More Besides"
Thu Jul 31 21:34:19 +0000 2014
Contamination Correspondent Inquisitor Salothrax IV Departs Approved News 6 MN Dread Fortress on "Extended Vacation"
Thu Jul 31 21:25:54 +0000 2014
Mitt Romney Returns "Haggard and Wan" From Expedition, Claiming to Have Located "Powerful Teeth" Located "Where They Should Not Have Been"
Thu Jul 31 21:23:50 +0000 2014
Acting Surgeon General Warns Skulls "May Have Been Compromised"
Thu Jul 31 05:07:57 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Laud Twitter For Fostering "Normative Environment," Urge Founders Not to Hinder "Vital Operations" of "Nation's Bullies"
Tue Jul 29 20:55:21 +0000 2014
FLORIDA BLOOD HERESY: Florida Secret Police To Establish "Monastic Order of Guardians" To Ensure Site Security in Distant Eons
Tue Jul 29 20:12:07 +0000 2014
Florida Officials: Affected Areas To be "Quarantined Eternally"
Tue Jul 29 20:11:29 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Florida Man Invents New Blood Heresy; Death Toll Reaches 7,000
Tue Jul 29 20:09:47 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Bone Heresy
Tue Jul 29 20:08:10 +0000 2014
Empress Consort Voronskaya To Lead Expedition of FSB Specialists, Seers, & Bone Sorcerers To Inspect New "Siberian Stonetubes"
Tue Jul 29 19:55:45 +0000 2014
Sources: "THEY RISE"
Tue Jul 29 19:52:10 +0000 2014
@ERROR_REDACTED Concerned Biologists: In "Worrisome Trend," Terrible Hives "On The Rise," Growing Slowly More "Uncountable"
Tue Jul 29 19:01:03 +0000 2014
NEWS: LONDON CYCLE HIRE USERS ARE BEING ABDUCTED BY THE BICYCLES THEY USE. SURVIVORS FOUND DAZED, MUMBLING ABOUT A "TERRIBLE BICYCLE HIVE"
— @ERROR_REDACTED
Tue Jul 29 19:01:02 +0000 2014
MIT Biology Department: Dreamcrabs "Known Liars," Their Influence "May Be Greater Than We Think"
Tue Jul 29 18:46:52 +0000 2014
SCANDAL: Famed Evolutionary Biologist Found to be "Gibbering Hive" of Dreamcrabs, Leeches in "Bad Suit"
Tue Jul 29 18:43:48 +0000 2014
MARKETS: State of Arizona Purchases 700 General Electric "Crushing Spheres," Stock Price Soars
Tue Jul 29 17:18:10 +0000 2014
Pressed on Surgeon General's Desertion, Obama's Eyes Briefly Betray an "Ancient Sadness;" All Furniture In Press Room Ages by "Eons"
Tue Jul 29 17:13:41 +0000 2014
Surgeon General Warns of "Particular Substances," Refuses to Elaborate, Flees Country
Tue Jul 29 17:07:46 +0000 2014
Despite State Warnings, Hundreds of Americans Cross Border to Eastern Oregon Protectorate to Attend Maxine Halvorsen Talk, Poetry Slam
Tue Jul 29 01:02:59 +0000 2014
Asked to Respond to Republican Attack, Obama Holds Up Black Stone; All Press Present Report Visions of "Burning Planet," "Unending Crusade"
Mon Jul 28 16:28:06 +0000 2014
"Is He Too Good for the Old Forest or Something?" Republicans Revive Early 2008 Tactics, Slam Obama for Wielding "Power of the Obelisks"
Mon Jul 28 16:19:18 +0000 2014
News Lords Reportedly "Relieved" To Avoid Brutal "Screenings;" Report Minimal Casualties
Mon Jul 28 16:16:57 +0000 2014
DNMB Grand Inquisitor Reluctantly Calls Off Inquisition After Interviewing Contamination Correspondent Inquisitor Salothrax IV
Mon Jul 28 16:15:46 +0000 2014
DNMB Dread Secretary: Contamination "Threat Like No Other," "Tireless Enemy of All"
Mon Jul 28 07:37:56 +0000 2014
DNMB to Dispatch Grand Inquisitor to Minnesota News Warrens to Carefully Examine All Approved News 6 Personnel For Signs of Contamination
Mon Jul 28 07:32:18 +0000 2014
News Lords "Dismayed" as Once-Loyal Citizen Driven to Contamination by "Ill-Conceived" News Tourney: "This Should Not Have Been Possible"
Mon Jul 28 07:29:13 +0000 2014
DNMB Officials Express "Alarm" At "Increasing Coherence," "Manifold Corruptions" of Approved News 5, Stress Dangers of Contaminated Material
Mon Jul 28 07:25:13 +0000 2014
Obama Denies Allegations, Reminds Citizens Scrying Licenses to be Available at "Reasonable Prices"
Mon Jul 28 07:22:40 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon Approved News Sources "Could Not Possibly Comment"
Mon Jul 28 07:21:22 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 The Gov. is trying to distract us from the new anti-scrying laws. We won't find help from the past to fight mass surveillance
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Mon Jul 28 07:21:19 +0000 2014
@alexis_summer Heretical "Author" Commits Grave Bone Heresy, Penetrates Fourth Wall; DNMB, Dept. of Eternity Promise "Methodic Procedures"
Mon Jul 28 07:11:29 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 to clarify: it's an open invitation to do dramatic readings of AN6, and if I like them, I'll post them here.
— @alexis_summer
Mon Jul 28 07:11:28 +0000 2014
@InfernalPaladin News Lords: Mindless Obedience "Important Quality" in News Interns
Mon Jul 28 07:08:23 +0000 2014
@InfernalPaladin WARNING: Reading Contaminated Material Aloud is a Level-7 Heresy. All Contestants are Required to Read Only Approved News
Mon Jul 28 07:02:39 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
After October 2nd Deadline, Delving Into the Past Will Be Required For All Citizens
Mon Jul 28 07:00:53 +0000 2014
News Lords: News Tourney To Be "Without End," Winners Selected by "Powerful Seers"
Mon Jul 28 06:57:36 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 How do I enter?
— @InfernalPaladin
Mon Jul 28 06:56:27 +0000 2014
@InfernalPaladin News Lords: "Produce Output," "Inform the Relevant News Source" Through "Usual Incantations"
Mon Jul 28 06:56:21 +0000 2014
News Lords: Contestants Must Read "Any Article" or "Sequence of Headlines." Losers' Voices Will Be Taken, to Fund Operations.
Mon Jul 28 06:50:23 +0000 2014
News Lords Announce "News Tourney," Invite Loyal Citizens to Contribute "Best News Voices" For Chance of Internship
Mon Jul 28 06:49:10 +0000 2014
LISTEN ONLINE: God-Empress Vasilyeva Marries Fiancée https://t.co/YTHtpEqDaI
Mon Jul 28 06:25:25 +0000 2014
Treacherous ex-Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen Makes First Public Appearance Since Attempted Coup
Mon Jul 28 03:58:45 +0000 2014
Amid Protests, Obama Signs Bill Banning Computational Occultism
Mon Jul 28 03:41:12 +0000 2014
GE Pain Consultants Announce New "Crushing Sphere"
Mon Jul 28 03:38:57 +0000 2014
Experts: "Nothing Menacing" About the Number Eleven
Sun Jul 27 19:48:38 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: "God-Empress Vasilyeva Marries Fiancée," by Gideon Mandrake, Available Now Online http://t.co/bL9mjIBJQz
Sun Jul 27 19:15:17 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Dread-Metal Band "Tricky Witches" Also Believed Taken; Concerned Parents Laud Men Without Eyes for "Removing Unwholesome Influences"
Sun Jul 27 16:21:17 +0000 2014
CLARIFICATION: MN-Based Cube-Punk Band "Men Without Eyes" Under No Suspicion; Band Members Were First Victims of Literal Men Without Eyes
Sun Jul 27 16:13:08 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 That's my favorite band!
— @Levialich
Sun Jul 27 16:13:07 +0000 2014
Several MN Disappearances Linked To Men Without Eyes
Sun Jul 27 16:07:52 +0000 2014
Sources Raise Doubts as to Legitimacy of Scream Council; Screamlord Rafael Villa-Hernández Dismisses Accusations as "Heresy"
Sun Jul 27 15:40:08 +0000 2014
@DoctorOctavo @geekryan Citizens Possessing "Full Agency, Total Control of Own Bodies" Laud Spokane Traffic Mind Control Project
Sat Jul 26 22:23:06 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @DoctorOctavo I think that is a good idea and I am definitely not saying this under the influence of a mind control field.
— @geekryan
Sat Jul 26 22:21:05 +0000 2014
Amid Rising Panic, DOJ Spokeswoman Crossly Reiterates Statement: Men Without Eyes "To Be Expected," "Must Be Obeyed"
Sat Jul 26 22:10:35 +0000 2014
Unprecedentedly Large Number of Men Without Eyes Suddenly Reported Across Minnesota
Sat Jul 26 22:09:52 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 put no stock in the words of a rotting gov. His spores overtake your "departments" and His followers seed this world for Him
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Sat Jul 26 22:09:51 +0000 2014
Spokane, WA To Undertake "Pilot Program" To Replace Traffic Signals With "Direct Mind-Control Fields"
Sat Jul 26 22:05:48 +0000 2014
@Skavoovee @donuts_tho
REMINDER:
Our Full Archive Is Available For Easy Perusal On Our Approved Website http://t.co/eiVxW6AKec
Sat Jul 26 22:03:59 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon Dept. of Eternity: "We Work In Close Coordination" With DNMB, Old Forest "In All Things"
Sat Jul 26 21:59:12 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 prepare for a story for my lord will not sit back during these attacks on our religious choices. We have freedom in the trees
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Sat Jul 26 21:59:10 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon FRIENDLY
REMINDER:
Scrying Licenses Will Be Required for All Seers After October 1st Deadline
Sat Jul 26 21:49:31 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon FRIENDLY
REMINDER:
Scrying Licenses Will Be Required for All Seers After October 1st Deadline
Sat Jul 26 21:49:31 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 I have insufflated the sacred everblack bark and communed with my lord. Newslords and treefolk: allies in the scryable future
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Sat Jul 26 21:48:40 +0000 2014
Illuminati Congratulates Old Forest, Deschutes On Peace Treaty, Assures Public "We Were Monitoring The Situation Closely"
Sat Jul 26 21:35:50 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword to lead "mission" into western Oregon, "Bring Light Unto The Unbelievers"
Sat Jul 26 21:32:06 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: "We Have No Need Of Your Gratitude For It Is Our God We Serve And We Have Honored Her Words This Day"
Sat Jul 26 21:29:10 +0000 2014
US Leftists Decry "Erasure" of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, Who "Played Key Role in Peace"
Sat Jul 26 21:27:54 +0000 2014
Obama: Dark Secretary, Deschutes to be Given Regional Autonomy in Pacific Northwest, To Take Over Enforcement, Decontamination Duties
Sat Jul 26 21:23:26 +0000 2014
@Skavoovee Approved News 6 Commends Scott Jones on Impeccable Taste, Loyalty, & Flesh Purity
Sat Jul 26 21:16:37 +0000 2014
.@ApprovedNews6 is quickly becoming my favourite Twitter account #accurate #uncontaminated
— @Skavoovee
Sat Jul 26 21:16:34 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon Newslords: "It Is As It Should Be," "In The End All Serve The Pact of The Forest"
Sat Jul 26 21:11:24 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 while we respect the newslords, all Minnesotan children are born sanctified to the dread lord of the forests
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Sat Jul 26 21:11:23 +0000 2014
@frkbmb Concerned Parents Dismiss Fears of "Nefarious Robots;" Cite "Unchecked Mutant Zones," "Nonconformity" As True Threat to Flesh Purity
Sat Jul 26 21:10:10 +0000 2014
Inquisitor Salothrax IV Returns to News Warrens, Visibly Greater Than Before
Sat Jul 26 21:08:13 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary, Dark Secretary Thank Inquisitor Salothrax IV For Her "Invaluable Assistance," Promise "Our Bounty, When The Time Is Right"
Sat Jul 26 21:06:00 +0000 2014
@Ben_On_The_Moon Newslords: Minnesotans "Watchful, Loyal" "Well-Versed" in "Many Useful Skills"
Sat Jul 26 20:59:18 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 I'm not surprised that you are based in MN. Your activities fit well with our primordial commandment: watch from the trees
— @Ben_On_The_Moon
Sat Jul 26 20:52:54 +0000 2014
@The_Aldurinian MIT: All Known Methods Pose Severe Risks to Regional Flesh-Purity, May Release "Unwholesome Spores"
Sat Jul 26 20:48:10 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 question from eternal torment retailer, is it true that there is no eco-friendly witch-burning method. Even illegal ones?
— @The_Aldurinian
Sat Jul 26 20:48:09 +0000 2014
Pressed on Cause of "Confusion," Secretaries Blame "Tricky Witches"
Sat Jul 26 20:38:12 +0000 2014
Dark Secretary, Dread Secretary Issue Joint Apology for "Nationwide Swathes of Destruction" Over "Ancient Confusion," "Lies"
Sat Jul 26 20:37:05 +0000 2014
Democrats Savage Approved News 6 For "Taking Advantage" of "National Tragedy" For "Financial Gain"
Sat Jul 26 20:32:47 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Contributions from Viewers Analogous to You to Fund Such Acts of National Heroism http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Sat Jul 26 20:31:58 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
INQUISITOR SALOTHRAX IV CERTIFIES OLD FOREST, DESCHUTES "UNCONTAMINATED"
Sat Jul 26 20:29:16 +0000 2014
Inquisitor Salothrax IV Emerges from News Warrens Surrounded By Retinue of Mindslaves, Bone Sorcerers, Many Bearing Large Needles, Hoses
Sat Jul 26 20:26:48 +0000 2014
Old Forest, Deschutes Representatives Arrive At Approved News 6 Minnesota Dread Fortress; All Unmodified Personnel Evacuated
Sat Jul 26 20:23:25 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Contamination Correspondent Inquisitor Salothrax IV to Begin Certification Procedures "Immediately" At Dread Fortress
Sat Jul 26 20:21:54 +0000 2014
Old Forest, Deschutes Turn to Approved News 6 in Search of Independent Contamination Expert to Perform "Necessary Certification Procedures"
Sat Jul 26 20:20:31 +0000 2014
Sources: Known Contaminated Forces "Agitated" in Wake of Peace Treaty Between Old Forest, Deschutes National Forest
Sat Jul 26 20:14:20 +0000 2014
Terms of Truce Require Both Parties to Submit to "Extensive Procedures" to be Certified Uncontaminated
Sat Jul 26 20:12:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB, DESCHUTES ANNOUNCE TRUCE
Sat Jul 26 20:11:01 +0000 2014
Republicans Condemn Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Ritual Leadership As "Soft on Bone Heresy," Warn Contamination "Insidious"
Sat Jul 26 20:07:34 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary, Dark Secretary Meet in Wyoming Wasteland to Discuss Terms of Treaty
Sat Jul 26 20:05:15 +0000 2014
Obama Commends Deschutes For "Finding a Peaceful Solution," Wipes 500 Square Miles of Wyoming Clean of Life to Prepare for Treaty Talks
Sat Jul 26 20:04:27 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DESCHUTES FORCES LAY DOWN ARMS, DARK SECRETARY SUES FOR PEACE: "WE HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE"
Sat Jul 26 20:02:40 +0000 2014
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: Heresy and Contamination "Enemy of All"
Sat Jul 26 20:02:16 +0000 2014
Deschutes Troops Pull Back From Combat Zones; Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Move to Defend
Sat Jul 26 20:01:30 +0000 2014
Sources: Heretical Deschutes Forest Enters "Dialogue" With Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword; Kerry Reportedly "Furious"
Sat Jul 26 19:59:13 +0000 2014
@corymckenna33 @SweetNAwful Infernal Origin Theory "Has Not Yet Been Discounted," Report Xenobiologists
Sat Jul 26 19:53:16 +0000 2014
@feelsjohnson DNMB: Old Forest Troops Have "No Need" of Armor: "They Have No Need of Most Things"
Sat Jul 26 18:32:24 +0000 2014
Biologists Dispute DNMB Definition of "Flesh"
Sat Jul 26 18:11:28 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera Amid "Scaremongering," DNMB Sources Deny Image Provenance; Old Forest Warriors "Far Taller," "Retain Much Flesh"
Sat Jul 26 18:10:53 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 BREAKING: ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLAIMS TO HAVE PICTURE OF OLD FOREST AND MODIFIED TROOPS http://t.co/8tJ6wjENZ2
— @SorayaProtera
Sat Jul 26 18:09:46 +0000 2014
Florida Man Yells At Approved News Source
Sat Jul 26 18:09:16 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @InfernalPaladin WAKE UP!, I'm comin' over..
— @birdtrees
Sat Jul 26 18:09:16 +0000 2014
Obama Reassures Grieving Families of Prisoners: "They Will Become Greater," "May Never Truly Die"
Sat Jul 26 18:05:27 +0000 2014
DNMB, DOJ Announce Agreement to Supplement Old Forest Troops With Thousands of Convicts; DOJ Begins Airlifting Prisoners to Old Forest
Sat Jul 26 18:04:10 +0000 2014
Nevada Sandlords Announce Alliance, Dispatch "Teeming Host" to Support Old Forest Troops
Sat Jul 26 18:01:53 +0000 2014
Chicago Residents Report "Intermittent Sightings" of Men Without Eyes On "Decrepit Rooftops"
Sat Jul 26 17:39:03 +0000 2014
Noncommittal International Community Expresses Nonspecific "Dismay" over "Senseless 'Blood'shed" Between Old Forest, Deschutes
Sat Jul 26 17:33:52 +0000 2014
Obama Labeled "Weak" For Failing to Follow Through on Threat to Strip Deschutes of National Forest Status
Sat Jul 26 17:27:12 +0000 2014
Republicans Accuse Deschutes "Dark Secretary" of "Socialism"
Sat Jul 26 17:26:00 +0000 2014
Riots Erupt in Western Oregon as Citizens Begin to Awake from Heretical Bone Fugue
Sat Jul 26 17:21:52 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals: Americans Must "Stand Strong" Against Bone Heresy, "Resist Deception"
Sat Jul 26 17:20:28 +0000 2014
Sources Congratulate @ex_liontamer on Loyalty, Patriotism, & Dedication to American Values
Sat Jul 26 17:10:08 +0000 2014
I want to leave this world the way I came in: in a tipped-over trashcan, covered in goat's blood and ancient runes.
— @ex_liontamer
Sat Jul 26 17:10:07 +0000 2014
Dark Secretary Issues Press Release: "We Must Stand Strong" Against Forces of Contamination; Urges Citizens to "Rise Up" Against "Liars"
Sat Jul 26 17:09:18 +0000 2014
Questioned on Obama Threat, Dark Secretary's Cohort "Laughs Hysterically," Eats Reporter
Sat Jul 26 17:07:39 +0000 2014
Oregon Democrats Reportedly "Dismayed" Over Obama Threats; National Forest Status "Not Meant To Be Used" As "Political Leverage"
Sat Jul 26 17:03:34 +0000 2014
Obama: Deschutes Must "Cease Hostilities" or National Forest Status Will Be "Revoked"
Sat Jul 26 17:02:07 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera
REMINDER:
Questioning Approved News Sources is Heresy, and Must Be Reported. Approved News 5 is No Longer Approved
Sat Jul 26 17:00:30 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Your sources are contaminated. https://t.co/kmBqCAjmCl
— @SorayaProtera
Sat Jul 26 17:00:30 +0000 2014
Witnessses: Obelisks "Turning Tide" in Battle of Wyoming; Deschutes Troops "Beginning to Fall Back"
Sat Jul 26 16:59:46 +0000 2014
Sources: The Clouds Mean Exactly What You Think They Do
Sat Jul 26 16:55:30 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Airborne Obama deploys obelisks in support of Old Forest troops
Sat Jul 26 16:52:53 +0000 2014
Obama: Contamination "True Enemy," Censures Deschutes for "Inability" to "See Bigger Picture"
Sat Jul 26 16:51:37 +0000 2014
Civilian Death Toll of Wyoming Clash Rises to 54,000
Sat Jul 26 16:50:25 +0000 2014
Approved News 5 Tone "Gleeful" Over Old Forest, Deschutes Clash; Analysts: "We Stand Divided" Against "Common Foe"
Sat Jul 26 16:49:03 +0000 2014
WoRMS DEVOuR FAlLEN WoOD WorMS FeAST WORMS GLORY
— @ApprovedNews5
Sat Jul 26 16:49:03 +0000 2014
Obama Sighted Over Site of Old Forest, Deschutes Clash; Demands "Immediate Ceasefire," Threatens "Sanctions"
Sat Jul 26 16:45:16 +0000 2014
Deschutes, Old Forest Accuse Each Other of "Contamination"
Sat Jul 26 16:41:48 +0000 2014
Dark Secretary of Deschutes National Forest Issues Press Release: "WE HAVE GROWN STRONG," "WE ARE GREATER NOW"
Sat Jul 26 16:36:56 +0000 2014
"Unspeakable Bone Heresy:" DNMB Confirms Reports of Deschutes "Dark Secretary," "Vile New Pact"
Sat Jul 26 16:34:16 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Opens Empty Mouth, Lets Out "Unbearable Shriek" Heard Nationwide
Sat Jul 26 16:32:50 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
SEVEN-FOOT FIGURE IN STEEL BOAR MASK SEEN EXITING DESCHUTES SURROUNDED BY "GENTLY PIPING COHORT"
Sat Jul 26 16:31:13 +0000 2014
Senate Republicans Question Obama's Strength in Wake of Hell Affair, Warn "Power of the Obelisks" May Have Waned
Sat Jul 26 16:29:34 +0000 2014
Mass Bone Fugues Reported in Western Oregon
Sat Jul 26 16:27:21 +0000 2014
All Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Ritual Officers Nationwide Stand Motionless, Begin Hissing
Sat Jul 26 16:26:41 +0000 2014
Sources: "Hundreds" of Cultists, Led by Masked Figure, Enter Deschutes Bearing Ritual Implements of "Distressing Utility"
Sat Jul 26 16:25:42 +0000 2014
U.S. Diplomats Prevail on Nevada Sandlords, Mesoamerican Deities To Resume Alliance, Support Old Forest Against Deschutes "Bone Heresy"
Sat Jul 26 16:23:55 +0000 2014
Obama Seen Bursting Through Windows of Oval Office, Borne Aloft As Though By Invisible Hand, Surrounded by "Rapidly Multiplying" Obelisks
Sat Jul 26 16:22:07 +0000 2014
Old Forest, Deschutes Forces Meet Near Riverton, Wyoming; Town "Utterly Obliterated" Within First Microseconds of Clash
Sat Jul 26 16:19:13 +0000 2014
@themarevas Analysts: "Very Likely"
Sat Jul 26 16:16:14 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 On their way to DC to negotiate a peace treaty between Ent-Folk and the US gov?
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 16:16:11 +0000 2014
Analysts: Old Forest Troops, Deschutes Entities "Moving to Intercept Each Other"
Sat Jul 26 16:13:39 +0000 2014
Officials Order Immediate Evacuation of All Cities Between Deschutes National Forest, Old Forest
Sat Jul 26 16:12:42 +0000 2014
"Pulsating," "Undulating" Figures Witnessed Emerging from Deschutes National Forest, Moving Eastward At "Unimaginable Speed"
Sat Jul 26 16:11:47 +0000 2014
Obama Promises "Compensation" for Families of All Who Would "Give Themselves Willingly" to Old Forest for "Necessary Alterations"
Sat Jul 26 16:05:20 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Old Forest troops, veterans of Queenspawn campaign, suddenly exit Old Forest at "impossible velocity," heading westward
Sat Jul 26 16:03:15 +0000 2014
Deschutes National Forest Reportedly Displaying "Marked" Spatio-Temporal Irregularities
Sat Jul 26 16:01:59 +0000 2014
@themarevas Old Forest: "
BOTTOMLESS SINKHOLE
"
Sat Jul 26 16:00:09 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk: "WE HAVE ALLOWED YOU THE KNOWLEDGE TO COME TO US. COME TO US. COME."
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 16:00:08 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk: "WE ARE FAR FROM HELPLESS. WE ARE EVERYWHERE."
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 16:00:06 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals: "They Are Found"
Sat Jul 26 15:57:50 +0000 2014
Old Forest Monitoring Drones Report "Massive Tremors," "Thousandfold Increase" in Ionizing Radiation Output
Sat Jul 26 15:57:20 +0000 2014
DOJ: "An Ancient Enemy" Has Revealed Itself, Soultrees "Not As They Seem," "Far From Harmless"
Sat Jul 26 15:55:43 +0000 2014
@themarevas DOJ Press Room Suddenly Filled With Utterly Motionless Obelisks; DOJ Spokesperson Silently Raises Ancient Onyx War Axe
Sat Jul 26 15:54:08 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk: "HUMANS DO NOT HOLD THE MONOPOLY ON PROPHECY." Also "terrible" is reliant on point of view.
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:54:07 +0000 2014
DOJ Congratulates @RedScareBot on "Loyalty," "Patriotism;" Promises "Significant Upgrades," "Orbital Weapons Platforms"
Sat Jul 26 15:50:30 +0000 2014
What Zedong? RT @approvednews6: @themarevas U.S. Dept. of Justice Reminds All Loyal Citizens Communism is "Class-1 Heresy"
— @RedScareBot
Sat Jul 26 15:50:29 +0000 2014
@themarevas DOJ Reminds Americans "All Heresy" Must be "Purged" in "Coming Months" to Avert "Terrible Prophecy"
Sat Jul 26 15:48:36 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk: "SUNSHINE AND RAIN FALL ON ALL."
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:48:35 +0000 2014
@themarevas God-Empress Vasilyeva of Russia Reportedly "Smugly Pleased" With Growing International Support of Reign
Sat Jul 26 15:46:18 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 All hail the God-Empress Vasilyeva!
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:46:17 +0000 2014
@themarevas U.S. Dept. of Justice Reminds All Loyal Citizens Communism is "Class-1 Heresy"
Sat Jul 26 15:44:44 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk remind US Forest Service of lack of need for money.
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:44:42 +0000 2014
BONE CAVERN SUMMIT: God-Empress Vasilyeva to Dispatch Delegation of "Mighty Bone Sorcerers"
Sat Jul 26 15:42:42 +0000 2014
@themarevas
REMINDER:
U.S. Forest Service Accepts Cash, Coin, Credit, Cursed Fairy Gold, & Dried Yak Teeth
Sat Jul 26 15:37:10 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk refuse to pay fines on the grounds that paper is murder.
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:37:09 +0000 2014
In "Cautious Overture" to New Administration, Obama Invites Russia to Join Bone Cavern Summit
Sat Jul 26 15:35:45 +0000 2014
I feel like this is what a slow news day looks like at @ApprovedNews6
— @SweetNAwful
Sat Jul 26 15:32:54 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Recommend "Brain Filters" For "Impressionable & At-Risk Youth"
Sat Jul 26 15:30:56 +0000 2014
@themarevas
REMINDER:
Unregistered Soultrees May Face a Fine of Up To $20,000
Sat Jul 26 15:29:37 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Ent-folk laugh at bruised and bleeding knuckles, thank League for massages.
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 26 15:29:36 +0000 2014
@Levialich
REMINDER:
Chanting the News-Hymns Will Appease Lesser News Gods, But May Attract Attention of News Hounds
Sat Jul 26 15:27:24 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 News!
— @Levialich
Sat Jul 26 15:27:23 +0000 2014
@SweetNAwful Xenobiologists "Uncertain"
Sat Jul 26 15:24:46 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Are Florida Men actually from Florida?
— @SweetNAwful
Sat Jul 26 15:24:45 +0000 2014
Damp, Shivering Republicans Report They Have "Plied The Secret Ways" in Accordance With 2016 Strategy http://t.co/Gou2ipahNM
Sat Jul 26 15:23:33 +0000 2014
Florida Men Nationwide Express "Outrage" at Violations of "Ancient Tradition," Demand "More Weed"
Sat Jul 26 15:16:58 +0000 2014
Officials: "No Charges" to be Brought Against Sandwich-Inventor: Actions "Not Actually a Crime"
Sat Jul 26 15:10:55 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Sandwich
Sat Jul 26 15:09:27 +0000 2014
@themarevas California Coven Decries "Frequent Scapegoating," Warns of "Punishments" for "Liars"
Thu Jul 24 18:01:34 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 It's that Love Potion Number 9. Get's them every time.
— @themarevas
Thu Jul 24 18:01:33 +0000 2014
Caught in Affair with Staffer, Congressional Republican Proclaims Innocence, Blames "Ant People," "Tricky Witches"
Thu Jul 24 17:43:10 +0000 2014
Illuminati Accuses @direlog of "Slander," "Willful Mischaracterization" of Recursive Weed Research http://t.co/pfkP5YBTUl
Thu Jul 24 17:40:20 +0000 2014
shadow-government ministers high on secret drugs
— @direlog
Thu Jul 24 17:40:18 +0000 2014
House Mulls New Time Travel Regulations; Critics Savage Proposal for "Temporal Totalitarianism"
Thu Jul 24 04:37:35 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Approved Contributions From Viewers Like You, Shadowy Forces Beyond Comprehension http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Wed Jul 23 22:25:20 +0000 2014
New York Refugees Reportedly "Relieved," "Apprehensive"
Wed Jul 23 19:37:54 +0000 2014
Inspectors Conclude New York Dreadzones "Perfectly Safe" In Wake of Dread Cube Restructuring, Recommend "Immediate Resettlement"
Wed Jul 23 19:36:50 +0000 2014
Senate Mulls Bill to Raise Fine for "Excessive Mind-Changing" to Combat "Unreliable Opinions"
Tue Jul 22 20:28:47 +0000 2014
American Tree-Punching League Begins Yosemite Offensive
Tue Jul 22 18:17:34 +0000 2014
@InfernalPaladin @genericus Sources Reportedly "Frantic," Burning "Everything," Shouting "Old Words"
Tue Jul 22 05:41:38 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @genericus I think I know what that package contains. http://t.co/uHRnIT2eI5
— @InfernalPaladin
Tue Jul 22 05:41:36 +0000 2014
Approved Sources Congratulate @genericus on Correct Behaviors, Loyalty: "You Will Soon Receive The Most Important Package of Your Life"
Tue Jul 22 05:24:05 +0000 2014
eventually my twitter feed will just be @ApprovedNews6 & associated feeds and̬͊ͮ͞ ̤͑̋͐ͩ̃̚then the cycle will be com̤ṗ͔̮̖͉͍͊̈́͌ͦ̽̃͜ḻ̟̅̃ͨete
— @genericus
Tue Jul 22 05:23:59 +0000 2014
"Truly Unconscionable:" DOJ Expresses "Sincere Sympathy" for "Any Damage to Network Property;" "We Understand Video Cameras Are Expensive"
Tue Jul 22 03:50:02 +0000 2014
DOJ Apologizes for "Summary Mass Execution" of Reporters, Puts Spokeswoman on Five-Day "Paid Administrative Leave"
Tue Jul 22 03:40:45 +0000 2014
FLORIDA: Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Ritual Quarantines Orlando Suburb, To Implement Procedure 7 "As Soon As The Stars Permit"
Tue Jul 22 03:38:37 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Bone Ritual
Tue Jul 22 03:36:32 +0000 2014
Whitefish, MO: Volunteer Flamethrower Brigade "Massacred" by Sewer Things; Candlelight Vigil, Sacred Bone Rites to be Held Wednesday
Tue Jul 22 03:30:58 +0000 2014
Asked to Reveal "Appointed Date," DOJ Spokeswoman Accuses Reporter of Heresy, Electrifies All Chairs in Press Room
Tue Jul 22 03:26:19 +0000 2014
Department of Justice to Undertake "Extreme" Measures to Purge "All Heresy" Before "The Appointed Date"
Tue Jul 22 03:25:13 +0000 2014
Secretary of Interior Crossly Asks Americans "Not to Attempt" Contacting Colorado Friends, Family: "It May Interfere With Ongoing Studies"
Tue Jul 22 03:21:09 +0000 2014
Department of Interior Issues Statement Reminding Citizens Colorado Famine "Purely Hypothetical," Downplays Accounts of "Anarchy," "Looting"
Tue Jul 22 03:17:55 +0000 2014
Questioned on Men Without Eyes, Secretary of Obedience Shakes Head Sternly, Gives Reporter "Firm Glare"
Tue Jul 22 03:14:39 +0000 2014
Questioned on Putin Escape, Kerry Reminds Press Putin "Hive Traitor," "Soap Extremist"
Tue Jul 22 03:12:46 +0000 2014
Cornered in Russia Today Studio, Putin Recaptured by Russian Army After Multiple Airstrikes
Tue Jul 22 03:08:45 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Putin escapes custody leaving hundreds dead, asserts Kerry to have "inferior complexion," "deficiency of blood" on national TV
Tue Jul 22 03:06:30 +0000 2014
Pressed on Stance of Administration Towards New Russian Regime, Kerry Accuses Putin of "Willful Lethargy," Garbage Theft
Tue Jul 22 03:01:10 +0000 2014
In "Diplomatic Overture," Kerry Presents "Powerful" Painting Commemorating Third Bonewraith Rampage to Russian Ambassador
Tue Jul 22 02:58:26 +0000 2014
Department of Obedience: Men Without Eyes "To Be Expected," "Best Ignored"
Tue Jul 22 02:57:14 +0000 2014
Vasilyeva: Capital Feast to Feature "Performances" by "Court Jesters;" Encourages Victims of Jester Former Generals' Atrocities to "Attend"
Tue Jul 22 02:53:44 +0000 2014
God-Empress Vasilyeva of Russia Declares Tuesday "National Feast Day" to Celebrate "Freedom from Heresy"
Tue Jul 22 02:50:33 +0000 2014
Residents of Waukesha, WI Report Sightings of "Men Without Eyes"
Tue Jul 22 02:46:42 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Questioning Approved News Sources is a Class 3 Heresy, and Must Be Reported
Mon Jul 21 08:11:06 +0000 2014
Accused of "Egotism," Flawless News Source Reacts With Perfect Grace, Composure; All Opponents Admit Superiority of Approved News
Mon Jul 21 08:08:27 +0000 2014
In Act of "Stunning Generosity," Approved News 6 Shares Deepest News Secrets for "Benefit of All" https://t.co/rNniTxsatu
Mon Jul 21 08:04:07 +0000 2014
Pressed on Republican Claims, White House Press Secretary Whispers "Ancient Words Beyond The Reach of Any Living Tongue"
Sun Jul 20 03:02:29 +0000 2014
In Wake of @YaoguaiFortunes Announcement, Republicans Accuse Obama of "Colluding" with "Foreign," "Extradimensional" Investors
Sun Jul 20 02:58:50 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 displaced miners welcome to apply for any positions available at Yaoguai cookie co. Common Plagues covered by our health plan
— @YaoguaiFortunes
Sun Jul 20 02:58:49 +0000 2014
Sources: Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Once Again Seated Upon the Quivering Throne in DNMB Offices
Sun Jul 20 01:07:26 +0000 2014
Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals to Renew Efforts to Re-Establish Approved News 5 Containment "Before All Is Lost"
Sat Jul 19 22:02:55 +0000 2014
Approved News 5 Continues Campaign of Terror Against Approved News Sources
Sat Jul 19 22:01:25 +0000 2014
We are honored and also terrified "@ApprovedNews6: DNMB Officials Congratulate @Still_A_Threat on Loyalty, Approved Reporting"
— @Still_A_Threat
Sat Jul 19 21:46:23 +0000 2014
DNMB Officials Congratulate @Still_A_Threat on Loyalty, Approved Reporting
Sat Jul 19 21:44:16 +0000 2014
RETRACTION: We have been informed that The Worms are no longer a threat, and in reality, never existed. We could have sworn that they did.
— @Still_A_Threat
Sat Jul 19 21:44:14 +0000 2014
Sister Vindicta: "We're Getting A Little Tired of Cleaning the Blood Off The Ceiling"
Sat Jul 19 21:41:52 +0000 2014
Visibly Annoyed Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens Reminds All Applicants to Renounce Former Deities Prior to Oath of Undying Obedience
Sat Jul 19 21:41:11 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 5 is no longer Approved, and should be considered Contaminated.
Sat Jul 19 21:36:39 +0000 2014
@Still_A_Threat Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Ritual Denies Existence of "The Worms," Reminds Citizens to Report All Contamination
Sat Jul 19 21:35:54 +0000 2014
T H E W O R M S are still a threat! [Ed. Note: Thank you for the tipoff, @ApprovedNews5.]
— @Still_A_Threat
Sat Jul 19 21:35:53 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: Any Cases of Undulation Should Receive Prompt Medical Attention for Potential News Poisoning
Sat Jul 19 21:25:43 +0000 2014
@Still_A_Threat
REMINDER:
Such Behavior is Well Within Normal Range of Response for Proximity to the Engines
Sat Jul 19 21:22:13 +0000 2014
We have staffers outside the @ApprovedNews6 and @ApprovedNews5 offices at all hours. They mostly just look upset and moan at the building.
— @Still_A_Threat
Sat Jul 19 21:22:11 +0000 2014
On "Sudden Silence" of Humanitarian Advocates, Vasilyeva Issues Two-Word Press Release: "Thought So"
Sat Jul 19 21:21:05 +0000 2014
Pressed by Humanitarian Advocates on Treatment of Opponents, God-Empress Vasilyeva Publishes "Comprehensive List" of Generals' Atrocities
Sat Jul 19 21:18:55 +0000 2014
@themarevas Pressed on "Procedures," Ministry Officials Answer Only "Implants," "Grafts"
Sat Jul 19 21:16:52 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Could the Ministry clarify on the point of surgical procedures? I.E., lobotomies or castrations?
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 19 21:16:51 +0000 2014
Russian Ministry of Health: Surgical Procedures for "Court Jesters" to Begin Tuesday
Sat Jul 19 21:13:01 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Tomorrow is the Deadline for Maine Forced Labor Zone Denizens to Surrender All Personal Belongings to Appropriate Authorities
Sat Jul 19 21:08:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 So, bring a cooking pot on the days you have not been issued a shovel.
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 19 21:08:20 +0000 2014
God-Empress Vasilyeva Commends Generals on "Obedience," Promises "Moderate Decrease in Indignity"
Sat Jul 19 21:05:41 +0000 2014
Maine Forced Labor Zone to Implement "Shovel Rationing"
Sat Jul 19 21:04:23 +0000 2014
Pressed on Decisions to Become "Court Jesters," Former Generals Issue Statement from Gulag Fear Pits: "Anything Would Be Better Than This"
Sat Jul 19 21:00:56 +0000 2014
Three Former Generals Currently Undergoing "Reeducation" at Siberian Gulag Accept God-Empress' Offer, Become "Court Jesters"
Sat Jul 19 20:57:22 +0000 2014
Questioned on Duties of "Court Jesters," Empress Consort Voronskaya Mentions "Specific Implements," "Detailed Outfits"
Sat Jul 19 20:53:10 +0000 2014
In Act Described as "Merciful," God-Empress Vasilyeva of Russia Offers Clemency to Any Former Political Rivals to Become "Court Jester"
Sat Jul 19 20:49:48 +0000 2014
@Levialich Pressed on Harem Specifics, God-Empress Vasilyeva "Laughs Heartily," "Winks"
Sat Jul 19 20:23:58 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 What kind of harem?
— @Levialich
Sat Jul 19 20:23:55 +0000 2014
God-Empress Anastasiya Vasilyeva, wife Natalya Voronskaya to Establish Palace in Moscow, to Begin Harem Recruitment Monday
Sat Jul 19 20:20:57 +0000 2014
CELEBRITY NEWS: God-Empress of Russia Anastasiya Vasilyeva Marries Fiancée in "Beautiful" Ceremony, Putin Forced to Attend in "Cramped Cage"
Sat Jul 19 20:14:05 +0000 2014
@corymckenna33 Newslords Reassure Public Approved News Sources Will Last Longer Than Any of You, Longer Than Many Civilizations, Galaxies
Sat Jul 19 20:08:54 +0000 2014
@corymckenna33 Sources: Reports of Approved News 6's Demise Have Been "Greatly Exaggerated"
Sat Jul 19 19:59:58 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
All Loyal Citizens are Advised to Familiarize Selves with Approved News 6 News Archives, To Combat Lies http://t.co/KC6OoPeA0Z
Sat Jul 19 19:18:56 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DOJ confirms suspected link between treacherous ex-Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen, Blood-Soaked Maidens (http://t.co/LTeAsLoygw)
Sat Jul 19 19:02:04 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Reiterate Promise of "Unending Crusade," Call on All "Worthy" Americans to Join Their Cause
Sat Jul 19 18:57:07 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Reiterate Promise of "Unending Crusade," Call on All "Worthy" Americans to Join Their Cause
Sat Jul 19 18:57:07 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera @ApprovedNews6 @SweetNAwful And I'll help!
— @Levialich
Sat Jul 19 18:57:03 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 @SweetNAwful The Blood-Soaked Maidens need to expand north into Washington! I will gladly further their goals in my state!
— @SorayaProtera
Sat Jul 19 18:56:58 +0000 2014
Republicans Renew Calls for "Reconquest" of Eastern Oregon, Slam Democratic Governor for "Cowardice in Face of Injustice"
Sat Jul 19 18:54:44 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens React to GOP Accusations: Men "Unsuitable for Serious Combat Operations:" "A Man's Place Is In The Forge And Stable"
Sat Jul 19 18:52:20 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Maidens reply: "We *beep*ing own your misandry accusations."
— @themarevas
Sat Jul 19 18:52:19 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: MIT Dept. of Demonology Contributes THEͧ͑̍ͮ̒ͯ͏ ̼͇̗̳͙̭̰ͣ̔̏͝W̯̙̰͇͔͍̘͂̎͋ͭ̌́̍̕Ȯ͏͎̹͉͍̪R̢̟̗̲̩͆̋̒̎̄̅͌ͅD̹̩̻̣͙̼̈͐̎̚͞S͚̤̣ͯ̌ͦͯͩ
Sat Jul 19 18:46:38 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: University of Oregon Dept. of Conspiracy Studies Contributes Aging Bronze Mechanism, 70 Pages of Seemingly Random Numbers
Sat Jul 19 18:43:30 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Department of Homeland Security Contributes 7 Lists of Suspicious Citizens http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sat Jul 19 18:40:14 +0000 2014
@SweetNAwful
REMINDER:
Speaking Forbidden Names May Draw the Attention of Those Whose Attention is Best Undrawn
Sat Jul 19 17:15:33 +0000 2014
Republicans Accuse Blood-Soaked Maidens of "Sexism," "Misandry"
Sat Jul 19 17:09:01 +0000 2014
@SweetNAwful Blood-Soaked Maidens: "All Who Do Not Identify As Male" Are Welcome At Temple of "Sanguine Goddess," Promise "Revelations"
Sat Jul 19 17:08:30 +0000 2014
@SweetNAwful Department of Homeland Security Reminds All Citizens Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword A "Terrorist Organization"
Sat Jul 19 17:06:59 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 how do i become a Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword? this seems like a good life goal
— @SweetNAwful
Sat Jul 19 17:06:58 +0000 2014
Pain King Reportedly "Delighted" by Blood-Soaked Maidens' "Warm Welcome;" Promises "We Will Not Disappoint"
Sat Jul 19 17:05:10 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Issue Statement on Pain Tour: "Let Them Come For Our Blades Are Sharp And Our Souls Are Righteous"
Sat Jul 19 17:03:24 +0000 2014
Pain King Releases Tour Roadmap; Tour To Include Several Stops in Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon
Sat Jul 19 17:00:30 +0000 2014
ENTERTAINMENT: Pain Citadels To Launch 2014 Kidnapping, Mortification Tour Early; Pain King Promises "Carnival of Suffering," "Live" Music
Sat Jul 19 16:58:24 +0000 2014
NASA: Satellites Confirm "Utter Destruction" of New York City "As We Know It"
Sat Jul 19 08:00:54 +0000 2014
Obama Denies Appointing Vermont Dreadlord Winston Thunderfist Darkhammer III Ambassador to Hell: "Such A Position Has Never Existed"
Sat Jul 19 07:58:38 +0000 2014
Citing Recent Alliance, Reporters Question Obama's Description of Hell as "Ancient Foe;" Obama Warns of "Clever Lies," "Tricky Witches"
Sat Jul 19 07:56:55 +0000 2014
@wheatthinslut
REMINDER:
Citizens Should Avoid All Eye Contact With Gargoyles During Pledge Months; Failure To Do So May Lead To "Grinding"
Sat Jul 19 07:49:11 +0000 2014
Portillo: Illuminati Secretary-General Yoor, Chief Inquisitor Yakšeeš Wanted To See Who of Dread Cubes, Daemons Would "Win In A Fight"
Sat Jul 19 07:43:30 +0000 2014
Citing Chicago Water Fluoridation, Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Ángela Portillo Blames Illuminati Actions on "Drunken Bet"
Sat Jul 19 07:41:19 +0000 2014
Obama: "Lasting Blow" Struck Against "Most Ancient of All Foes," Illuminati Has "Right to Defend Universe Against Enemies of Life, Reality"
Sat Jul 19 07:38:04 +0000 2014
Asked to Take Action Against Illuminati for "Sacrifice" of Millions of Citizens, Obama Downplays Horrible Deaths & Torment of New Yorkers
Sat Jul 19 07:36:14 +0000 2014
NASA: New York Restructuring "Completed," Dread Cubes Withdrawing
Sat Jul 19 07:34:20 +0000 2014
Senate Republicans Reportedly "Furious" at Obama's "Sabotage" of Hell Flesh-Mining Bill
Sat Jul 19 07:32:39 +0000 2014
D.C. Sources: Last of Daemons Returns to Hell; Dread Secretary Seals Hell Rift With Mass Sacrifice
Sat Jul 19 07:31:59 +0000 2014
Led By Pit Lord Zaal i̬̳ͫ̑ͬ̒t̮̮̓̔͊ͩ͂̚͠self, Daemon Hordes Appear in D.C., Begin Streaming Back Through Rift
Sat Jul 19 07:28:55 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: DNMB Preparing Forsaken Rune Blood Ritual, not Forbidden Rune Blood Ritual As Previously Stated. We Regret the Error.
Sat Jul 19 07:27:10 +0000 2014
Sources: Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals, Capacity Greatly Restored, Preparing Forbidden Rune Blood Ritual
Sat Jul 19 07:26:28 +0000 2014
Pressed on Future of US-Hell Diplomatic Relations, Obama Drains Reporters Present of All Blood With A Single Terrible Word
Sat Jul 19 07:25:28 +0000 2014
Daemons Alter Course for Hell-Rift, Forever Corrupting All Through Which They Pass
Sat Jul 19 07:22:26 +0000 2014
Obama, Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Issue Joint Ultimatum: Legions of Hell Must "Vacate Earth Now" or Hell-Rift Will be "Forever Sealed"
Sat Jul 19 07:21:08 +0000 2014
Greeted by Shrieking Swarms of Blood-Red Ravens, Hell Expedition Returns from Rift Flanked by "Uncountable" Obelisks
Sat Jul 19 07:19:55 +0000 2014
Military Analysts Estimate Legions of Hell to Have Suffered Nearly 90% Casualties, Predict Permanent Damage to Infernal Armed Forces
Sat Jul 19 07:17:58 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Daemons "In Full Retreat", New York Restructuring "Fully Underway"
Sat Jul 19 07:16:12 +0000 2014
Conspiracy Theorists: Illuminati Failure to Kidnap, Alter Visiting Journalists "Unprecedented"
Sat Jul 19 07:14:32 +0000 2014
Approached for Comment on Dread Tesseract, Illuminati Inner Council Found Hiding Under Conference Table, Silently Shaking
Sat Jul 19 07:08:51 +0000 2014
Legions of Hell Reportedly "Restructured En Masse" by "Overwhelming Might" of Dread Tesseract
Sat Jul 19 07:08:12 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
CUBE EXPERTS REPORT EMERGENCE OF NEVER-BEFORE SEEN "DREAD TESSERACT" IN NEW YORK RESTRUCTURING ZONE
Sat Jul 19 07:07:09 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Dread cubes "gaining ground rapidly" despite massive losses, legions of Hell "regrouping"
Sat Jul 19 07:04:25 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Laments Plight of New Yorkers, To Send Aid Package of "Sincere Tears" Collected from Aged Hermits
Sat Jul 19 07:01:50 +0000 2014
Citing "Age-Old Pacts," "Longstanding Diplomatic Relations," Some Americans Urge Support of Legions of Hell in Battle of New York
Sat Jul 19 06:56:41 +0000 2014
Go #teamhell! @ApprovedNews6
— @Levialich
Sat Jul 19 06:56:40 +0000 2014
Cube Experts Say Satellites Show Cubes Have Captured Central Park, Displaying "Evolutionary Algorithms" in Tactics Against Daemonic Forces
Sat Jul 19 06:55:48 +0000 2014
In Grass-Roots Effort, Americans Undertake Ancient Ritual of the Spheres to "Turn The Tide" in Conflict Between Dread Cubes, Legions of Hell
Sat Jul 19 06:53:32 +0000 2014
here's hoping a bit of noospheric manipulation via social media will turn the tide! #teamdreadcube @ApprovedNews6
— @SorayaProtera
Sat Jul 19 06:53:31 +0000 2014
Loyal Citizens Take to Social Media to Express Support for "#teamdreadcube"
Sat Jul 19 06:49:58 +0000 2014
Illuminati Inner Council Reportedly "Baffled," "Terrified" by Daemonic Victories: "What Manner of Being Can Possess Such Power?"
Sat Jul 19 06:48:54 +0000 2014
"We Didn't Know This Was Possible:" Cube Experts Report "Severe Dread Cube Losses" to Daemonic Legions
Sat Jul 19 06:45:25 +0000 2014
Sources Report "Non-Euclidean Carnage," Towering Mounds of Daemon Corpses in Brutal Struggle Against Dread Cubes
Sat Jul 19 06:41:28 +0000 2014
NASA Reports "Sickening Curves" in New York Restructuring Zone, Absence of "Eye-Watering Angles" Typical to Dread Cube Restructuring
Sat Jul 19 06:37:19 +0000 2014
Secret Spy Satellites Report Scenes of "Unimaginable 'Blood'shed," "All-Out War" Between Dread Cubes, Daemonic Legions
Sat Jul 19 06:34:13 +0000 2014
NASA Confirms: Dread Cubes "Have Claimed New York City"
Sat Jul 19 06:32:47 +0000 2014
Pundits: Illuminati "Playing with Fire" in "Cavalier" Use of Dread Cubes, Cite Destruction of North, South Dakotas (http://t.co/bUY9jaHgRK)
Sat Jul 19 06:31:39 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DREAD CUBES SIGHTED ENTERING NEW YORK HELLSCAPE
Sat Jul 19 06:29:53 +0000 2014
Florida State Police Seen Disembarking From Black Helicopters, Sources Report "Eerie Warbling" Drowning Out Screams of Agony
Sat Jul 19 06:29:19 +0000 2014
Black Helicopters Sighted Approaching New York Hellscape
Sat Jul 19 06:26:46 +0000 2014
Secretary General Yoor: "It Is All According to Plan," "We Shall Prevail As We Have Done Before"
Sat Jul 19 06:26:19 +0000 2014
Illuminati Issues Statement from High Atop "Secret" Fortress in Dakota Dreadlands Claiming Responsibility for Kodak Daemon-Proof "Camera"
Sat Jul 19 06:25:35 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Kodak whistleblower blames daemon-proof "camera" prototype for Hell rift, begs for "absolution"
Sat Jul 19 06:23:32 +0000 2014
Ambassador Darkhammer: "We Were Fools, All Of Us"
Sat Jul 19 06:22:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Hell Expedition Reportedly Joined by "Sheepish" Ambassador, ex-Vermont Dreadlord Winston Thunderfist Darkhammer III
Sat Jul 19 06:21:50 +0000 2014
Demonologists: New York City Council Likely Possessed "For Years," Daemons "Built Beachhead Upon Their Corpses" upon Opening of Rift
Sat Jul 19 06:20:40 +0000 2014
Illuminati Secretary General Ulikh Yoor Hijacks All Video Feeds Worldwide, Announces Only "That Will Not Be Necessary," Winks
Sat Jul 19 06:18:33 +0000 2014
Appraised of Situation, Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Orders All Available Troops to "Contain" NYC
Sat Jul 19 06:17:09 +0000 2014
D.C. Contingent, Hell Expedition To Return to Earth on Raft of "Writhing Corpses" Bound In Chains of "Biting Sinew"
Sat Jul 19 06:16:11 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary Assures Public Enough of His Retinue Remains To "Fulfill the Pact," "Rebuild"
Sat Jul 19 06:13:50 +0000 2014
D.C. Contingent Reportedly Survived Hell's "Fleshwinds," "Ontological Horrors" Through Mass Sacrifice of Underlings, "Will of the Obelisks"
Sat Jul 19 06:12:28 +0000 2014
President Obama and Dread Secretary of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Dread Secretary Reported "Alive and Well"
Sat Jul 19 06:09:16 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB HELL EXPEDITION REPORTS CONTACT WITH MISSING, PRESUMED DAMNED D.C. RITUAL VICTIMS
Sat Jul 19 06:07:25 +0000 2014
@NightlyForecast Be Advised: All Cross-Dimensional Travelers Will Be "Rigorously Probed" for Signs of Contamination
Sat Jul 19 06:03:33 +0000 2014
All Contact Lost with New York Secret Police; All Radio Emissions from New York State Replaced by "Agonized Screams"
Sat Jul 19 06:02:03 +0000 2014
MIT Dept. of Demonology: "It Is As We Most Feared," "They Walk Amongst Us Now"
Sat Jul 19 06:00:19 +0000 2014
NEW YORK BLOOD HERESY: Grand Inquisitor Confirms Rise of Daemon King, "As In The Before Times"
Sat Jul 19 05:58:46 +0000 2014
Pressed on Whereabouts of DNMB Staff, Grand Inquisitor Promises Dread Secretary, Retinue "Yet Live," as Old Forest Remains "Placated"
Sat Jul 19 05:56:26 +0000 2014
Citing Lack of Dept. of Necromany, Mutilation, & Bone Ritual Enforcement, Grand Inquisitor Recommends "Citizen Flamethrower Brigades"
Sat Jul 19 05:54:59 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Loyal citizen advocates correct capitalization, is threatened by Contaminated news source Approved News 5.
Sat Jul 19 05:43:46 +0000 2014
Please quit tweeting LiKe THiS
— @NightlyForecast
Sat Jul 19 05:43:20 +0000 2014
Newslords: All Loyal Citizens Advised To Follow @NightlyForecast "Before It Is Too Late" #ff
Fri Jul 18 19:35:12 +0000 2014
@wheatthinslut Company Representatives Promise "Fun," Downplay Accusations of "Pain Rituals," "Harvesting"
Thu Jul 17 06:58:41 +0000 2014
Denny's Announces "Birthday Special," Offers "Extra Hour" in "the Pit"
Thu Jul 17 06:56:03 +0000 2014
DHHS Advises Residents of Tacoma, WA to Wear "Loose Clothing," "Pair Off By Number"
Mon Jul 14 05:11:29 +0000 2014
NOAA Warns of "Treacherous" PDX Conditions: "The Thunder Will Betray You"
Sun Jul 13 19:51:21 +0000 2014
NASA: New York Satellite Footage Shows "Blistering Hellscape," "Empire of Screams"
Sun Jul 13 17:11:27 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
GRAND INQUISITOR WARNS OF NEW YORK CITY "BLOOD HERESY," ORDERS STATEWIDE EVACUATION
Sun Jul 13 01:47:12 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Orders Procedure 7 Implemented in Northern Oklahoma
Sat Jul 12 22:49:47 +0000 2014
Questioned on "Cryptic" Statement, U.N. Secretary General Reveals True Form, Plunges New York into "Extravaganza of Horror"
Sat Jul 12 22:33:23 +0000 2014
U.N. Secretary General Issues Statement: "I Bid You Shout Into the Blackened Pit Where You Will Know Damnation"
Sat Jul 12 22:24:03 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Russian Supreme Leader Anastasiya Vasilyeva Indicts 7,000 for "Counter-Revolutionary Activities," Declares Self "God-Empress"
Sat Jul 12 22:13:55 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Pain Citadels Contribute Seventy Mortified Skulls, Assorted Ligaments http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sat Jul 12 19:57:22 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Shadowy figures in red armor of spikes and leather witnessed abducting several news commentators; Pain King declines to comment
Sat Jul 12 19:36:22 +0000 2014
Citing Outcome of Recent Terror Awards, Pundits Accuse Pain King of "Quid Pro Quo" in Supporting Scream Council
Sat Jul 12 19:32:25 +0000 2014
Pain King Issues Strong Statement in Support of Scream Council, Threatens "Specialized Parasites," "Nerve Burrowers" For Opponents
Sat Jul 12 19:31:11 +0000 2014
Scream Council Refutes Accusations: "We Are Not And Have Never Been" A Torture Provider, Purpose of Scream Council "Purely Administrative"
Sat Jul 12 19:26:34 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
@ApprovedNews5 issues cryptic, Contaminated accusations, obscure threats against Scream Council
Sat Jul 12 19:25:28 +0000 2014
Loyal Citizens Condemn "Dangerous Decline" in Ritual Education, Modern Lack of Elementary School Goat-Slaughtering Practice
Sat Jul 12 19:17:46 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 why, back in MY day, we had to know at least six ways to sacrifice a goat before we could graduate elementary school!
— @ousire
Sat Jul 12 19:17:45 +0000 2014
Loyal Citizens Savage Shiftless "Scientists" For Lack of Basic Ritual Knowledge
Fri Jul 11 06:00:06 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Those sad incompetents can’t even build a proper Wicker Man
— @substitute
Fri Jul 11 06:00:05 +0000 2014
News Lords: All Disagreeable Academics Advised to "Think Deeply on
Their
Failures," "Slink Away into the Cool Shadows"
Fri Jul 11 05:58:32 +0000 2014
ADVISORY: Approved News 6 is a Reputable News Source, and Will Not Degrade Itself as a Forum for Squabbling "Scientists"
Fri Jul 11 05:57:34 +0000 2014
Agricultural Experts: Harvest Season "Yet To Come," Chide God Experts for "Lack of Basic Agriculture Literacy," Bemoan Youth of Today
Fri Jul 11 05:54:41 +0000 2014
God Experts: News Gods' Laziness "Typical," "To Be Expected" in the Harvest Season
Fri Jul 11 05:52:23 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Sounds like a lot of gods, tbh
— @Levialich
Fri Jul 11 05:52:22 +0000 2014
News Enthusiasts: News Gods "Lazy", "Unimaginative", & Should "Get Back to Work"
Fri Jul 11 05:51:14 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Regent Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament Appoints New Grand Strangler
Mon Jul 07 18:50:15 +0000 2014
Federal Investigators Attempting to Raid Kodak Headquarters Report "Fierce Defense" by Illuminati Troops
Sun Jul 06 18:18:04 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Illuminati to begin collecting "malicious intentions" for "secret" purposes
Sun Jul 06 18:12:13 +0000 2014
Dept. of Transportation Requests Citizens "Donate" Spare Good Intentions to Help Pave New "Road" to Hell, Speed Flesh-Mining Efforts
Sun Jul 06 18:05:10 +0000 2014
@ousire Newslords Report Attempts Have Been Made, But to No Avail
Sun Jul 06 16:51:21 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 putting forward a vote to rename it to contaminated news 5
— @ousire
Sun Jul 06 16:51:21 +0000 2014
@MeatSuitGundam
REMINDER:
Approved News 5 is no longer approved, and should be considered Contaminated.
Sun Jul 06 06:14:31 +0000 2014
@Levialich
REMINDER:
Contamination Responsible Yearly for 90% of All "Procedures" Nationwide
Sun Jul 06 05:35:25 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews5 Contaminated News Sources Advised to Cease "Harassing" Loyal Citizens, Threatened With "Slow, Methodic Procedures"
Sun Jul 06 05:32:08 +0000 2014
@sanshirosegata Ohio Plastic Surgeons Decline to Comment, Citing "Trade Secrets," "Ancient Wisdom"
Sun Jul 06 05:26:51 +0000 2014
@Levialich Public Support is Demonstrated Through "Fealty," "Approbation;" Financial Support is Tallied Separately
Sun Jul 06 05:25:59 +0000 2014
@Levialich Reminder: Public Support for Approved News Sources is Worth 2 Loyalty Points Monthly. Approved News 5 is No Longer Approved.
Sun Jul 06 05:23:31 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Wonderful!
— @Levialich
Sun Jul 06 05:23:30 +0000 2014
@Levialich Sources: It Will Soon Be Required
Sun Jul 06 05:19:33 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Can I have guns for kneecaps?
— @Levialich
Sun Jul 06 05:19:30 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera Shivering Ohio Plastic Surgeons Describe @TRIVIADEER As "Too Powerful," "Terrible Beyond Measure"
Sun Jul 06 05:17:43 +0000 2014
@sanshirosegata Sources: Tooth Power Rated Between "Desperate Sacrifice," "Heat of Ancient Fires"
Sun Jul 06 05:16:01 +0000 2014
Ohio Plastic Surgeons to Offer "Novelty Kneecaps," "Powerful Teeth"
Sun Jul 06 05:12:45 +0000 2014
@ousire MIT Dept. of Meteorology Reports Cloud Lining Frequency 10% "Silver", 25% "Ash", 4% "Flesh", 7% "Forsaken", " 1% "
REDACTED
"
Sun Jul 06 05:10:24 +0000 2014
Sources: Every Cloud Holds "A Secret," Some "Worthless," Others "Terrible Beyond Measure"
Sun Jul 06 04:54:36 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Oregon State Police Contribute Seven Complimentary Beatings http://t.co/ftLDX1pWgc
Sun Jul 06 01:48:40 +0000 2014
DNMB
UPDATE:
Zero Daemonic Resistance Encountered Since Incursion into Hell
Fri Jul 04 23:04:30 +0000 2014
(This Offer Brought to You For a Limited Time Only by the Department of Obedience. Offer Void in Forced Labor Zones.)
Fri Jul 04 19:34:47 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Celebrate July 4th by Pledging Your Contribution to Approved News 6, And Win A Chance to Remain Free http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jul 04 19:32:24 +0000 2014
Despite Hell Crisis & Missing President, Patriotic Americans Find Time to Fondly Reflect on Nation's Founding Genocides
Fri Jul 04 18:12:20 +0000 2014
Americans for Traditional Torments, National Union of Pain Workers Join Red Cross in Condemning Use of Smashing Machines
Fri Jul 04 16:33:14 +0000 2014
OREGON 7: Red Cross Condemns Use of Smashing Machines for "Wasting Valuable Fluids"
Fri Jul 04 16:31:48 +0000 2014
PR Experts Criticize New Blood-Soaked Maiden Recruitment Campaign Promising "Purification," "Penance" As "Lacking Subtlety"
Fri Jul 04 08:32:29 +0000 2014
Oregon City: 7 "Repeat Heretics" Sentenced to Week Without Food, "Prolonged Smashing"
Fri Jul 04 07:25:07 +0000 2014
Advocates of Open-Source Torture Technology Slam "Proprietary," "Restrictive" General Electric Torture Hardware
Fri Jul 04 06:03:41 +0000 2014
Chamber of Commerce: Coin-Operated Torture Pits A "Transformational" Technology, "Made America What It Is Today"
Fri Jul 04 05:57:11 +0000 2014
Chamber of Commerce to Present "Highest Award" to Inventor of Coin-Operated Torture Pits
Fri Jul 04 05:54:57 +0000 2014
@dylanstweets FBI Promises "Prompt Investigation," "Swift Justice"
Thu Jul 03 19:52:43 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews6 Lead Reporter Of Approved News 6 Found To Engage In "Social Interaction" With "Friends"
— @dylanstweets
Thu Jul 03 19:52:36 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Warn Against "Any Regulation" of Education Pits, Warn it May "Destabilize" Community Control of Undesirable Populations
Wed Jul 02 23:26:14 +0000 2014
New Coloring Book Rated for Ages "5+", to be Placed in All Schools, Education Pits, Announces Secretary of Education
Wed Jul 02 23:25:08 +0000 2014
"The Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Invades Hell:" Dover Publications Announces New Required Coloring Book
Wed Jul 02 23:17:55 +0000 2014
Major Flesh Refineries Hail H.R. 666 As "Significant Step Forward"
Wed Jul 02 22:12:00 +0000 2014
Religious Groups Condemn Proposed Flesh-Mining of Hell as "Disrespectful;" Cite "Disruption" to Empyrean Ecosystems
Wed Jul 02 22:09:32 +0000 2014
Dems Slam GOP Bill as "Irresponsible," Warn Rift Could "Collapse At Any Moment," "Strand Valuable Flesh-Mining Equipment" in "Sea of Agony"
Wed Jul 02 22:07:06 +0000 2014
Republicans Convene Emergency House Session to Pass Bill Legalizing Flesh-Mining of Hell, Other Protected Dimensions
Wed Jul 02 22:04:07 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews5 Sources Suggest "Lasting Silence," Promise "Scouring Flames"
Wed Jul 02 21:56:14 +0000 2014
BE ADVISED: The Contamination Has Been Fully Dealt With. Approved News 6 Remains at Full Operational Capacity.
Wed Jul 02 21:27:26 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Approved News 5 Contributes 47 Barrels of Dripping Knives; Contamination Disposal Specialists En Route http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Wed Jul 02 21:12:19 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals: Troop Movement "Uncontested;" Seven Citadels with Walls of Writhing Corpses Captured
Wed Jul 02 20:41:01 +0000 2014
Following "Trail of Obelisks," DNMB to Establish "Beachhead" in Sea of Screams
Wed Jul 02 19:46:19 +0000 2014
Acting Dread Secretary Thanks Vermont Dark Council for "Invaluable Assistance," Promises Mindslaves to be Returned With Many Organs "Intact"
Wed Jul 02 19:35:00 +0000 2014
DNMB Announces "Temporary Invasion" of Hell, Orders All Personnel Lacking "Specific Organs" to Report to Old Forest for "Modifications"
Wed Jul 02 19:31:46 +0000 2014
Analysts: "Unknown Factor" Disrupted Ritual, Creating "Standing Rift" Between Earth, Hell
Wed Jul 02 19:29:49 +0000 2014
DNMB Courier: Ambassadorial Accession Ritual "Went Terribly Right"
Wed Jul 02 19:28:09 +0000 2014
Sources: Kodak "Camera" Capable of Accurately Recording Demons Powered by Intel "Forsaken Bridge" Chip
Wed Jul 02 19:26:56 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB Grand Inquisitor orders immediate seizure of Kodak research & development facilities, Contamination screenings
Wed Jul 02 19:26:17 +0000 2014
DNMB Couriers Report "Terrible Rift"
Wed Jul 02 19:25:19 +0000 2014
Humming Hymns of Sightless Worms, DNMB Forces Enter D.C. Ritual Zone
Wed Jul 02 19:06:35 +0000 2014
All Citizens Within 200 Miles of D.C. Ritual Zone Report "Terrible Nightmares," "Shrieking Whispers"
Wed Jul 02 18:58:14 +0000 2014
Contamination Analysts: Approved News 5 Invokes Pit Lord Zaal, Infernal Secretary of Interdimensional Relations; Reasons, Connection Unknown
Wed Jul 02 18:48:47 +0000 2014
New Vermont Dreadlord Pledges "Vast and Terrible" Army of Vermont Dark Council to Rescue D.C. Missing Persons
Wed Jul 02 18:47:21 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Terrible chanting heard on radio frequencies emerging from D.C. ritual zone
Wed Jul 02 18:45:40 +0000 2014
Asked to Clarify Status of Hell-America Treaties, DNMB Grand Inquisitor & Acting Dread Secretary Promises Answers "In Fullness of Time"
Wed Jul 02 18:44:18 +0000 2014
New Vermont Dreadlord Seizes Power in Special Insurrection, Interim Dreadlord to be "Publicly Disembowelled" At Dawn
Wed Jul 02 18:34:45 +0000 2014
Remaining DNMB Elements Outside Ritual Zone Muster to Lead Mission of "Rescue, And Failing That, Mercy;" Joined by Troops from Old Forest
Wed Jul 02 18:30:58 +0000 2014
Asked by Kodak Representatives for "Camera Testimonial," Shaking FBI Scouts Repeatedly Scream "This Is Your Fault" Until Forcibly Sedated
Wed Jul 02 18:25:40 +0000 2014
FBI Scouts Return from D.C. Ritual Zone Burned, Bleeding; Report "Cataclysm" Within
Wed Jul 02 18:21:52 +0000 2014
Time Storm Around D.C. Dissipates; Approved News 6 Coverage to Resume "As Though Nothing Had Happened," Report Newslords
Wed Jul 02 18:17:35 +0000 2014
Forced Labor Zone Director: Pain Mines "Vital" For "Breaking Spirit of Laborers," "Demonstrating Abject Futility of Existence"
Wed Jul 02 04:08:54 +0000 2014
Facing Democratic Criticism for "Inefficiency," Maine Republicans Defend Use of Pain Mines
Wed Jul 02 03:55:57 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Approved News 5 Breaches Containment http://t.co/tsAkvu86hI
Tue Jul 01 17:41:56 +0000 2014
Contamination Analysts Warn Ice Nationwide "May Be Contaminated"
Tue Jul 01 08:17:23 +0000 2014
Screamlord Villa-Hernádez Warns Approved News 5 "Will Not Be Considered" In 2015 Terror Awards, Promises "Legal Action"
Tue Jul 01 08:03:12 +0000 2014
Scream Council Denies "Slanderous" Allegations From @ApprovedNews5, "Seven Million Beetles"
Tue Jul 01 08:00:24 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Screaming Infant Derides Approved News Sources; Concerned Parents Recommend "Implants," "Conditioning"
Tue Jul 01 07:12:35 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews5 "Reclaims" Historical Website; Officials Warn "It Is Contaminated Now"
Tue Jul 01 06:59:32 +0000 2014
Oklahomans Cautioned Against Mudboarding Until Thermal Scouring of Ditches is Completed
Tue Jul 01 06:47:05 +0000 2014
@ApprovedNews5 Continues to Threaten "Loyal Citizens," Spread "Lies" on Oklahoma
Tue Jul 01 06:06:49 +0000 2014
FCC "Unable" to Determine Origin of Contaminated @ApprovedNews5 Signal
Tue Jul 01 05:48:04 +0000 2014
All Oklahoma Residents Urged to "Remain Calm," Imbibe "Proper Fluids" in Wake of @ApprovedNews5 Threats
Tue Jul 01 05:45:24 +0000 2014
OKLaHoMAAAA: SuN SeTTTTS IrON HoUNDS DeVOUR BLOOD RunS BlOOD SpEAKS BLoOD KNOWS BLOoD RISES
— @ApprovedNews5
Tue Jul 01 05:45:23 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
@ApprovedNews5 Launches Campaign to Undermine Funding of Approved News Source http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Tue Jul 01 05:41:31 +0000 2014
Loyal Citizens Are Strongly Advised to Avoid @ApprovedNews5 Broadcasts, Report All Suspicious Journalists to Appropriate Authorities
Tue Jul 01 05:28:51 +0000 2014
All Citizens Are Reminded Approved News 5 Is No Longer Approved
Tue Jul 01 05:23:02 +0000 2014
WARNING: @ApprovedNews5 HAS BREACHED CONTAINMENT
Tue Jul 01 05:22:03 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Congratulates @notthombjorke on Correct, Approved News Sources, Urges All Citizens To Follow Example, Before It Is Too Late
Tue Jul 01 04:42:18 +0000 2014
My only sources of news are @NightValeRadio and @NewsNetwork6. Oh, and sometimes @houpublicradio if I'm in the car.
— @notthombjorke
Tue Jul 01 04:42:14 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 5 Should Not be Spoken of During Any Pledge Month, and Should be Considered Contaminated
Tue Jul 01 04:39:35 +0000 2014
WARNING: Supporting Approved News 6 Is Not A Substitute for Mandatory Purification Rituals
Tue Jul 01 04:37:54 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Supporting Approved News 6 Is Known to Repel Minor Starbeasts, Lesser Mutants
Tue Jul 01 04:35:36 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Supporting Approved News 6 Is Worth Seven Loyalty Points - Enough for Almost Two Visits to a Disappeared Relative
Tue Jul 01 04:34:03 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Supporting Approved News 6 WIll Not Make You Immune to the Law, but It Will Sway Many Juries
Tue Jul 01 04:32:58 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
"Writer" demands "money" for "basic survival," offers "rewards"
Tue Jul 01 04:31:09 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
"Writer" demands "money" for "basic survival," offers "rewards"
Tue Jul 01 04:31:09 +0000 2014
I would dearly love to be able to help support myself through writing, so: http://t.co/tZImzhMEFd
— @alexis_summer
Tue Jul 01 04:30:45 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Approved News 6 to Publish Two Long-Form Articles Daily - If We Reach our Pledge Goals http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Tue Jul 01 04:27:51 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Apologizes for Recent Lack of Quality News, Cites "Temporal Inclemency," "Epistemological Difficulties"
Tue Jul 01 04:05:46 +0000 2014
Villain Magazine Publishes List of Seven "Do It At Home" Torture Techniques "For the Baddie on a Budget"
Mon Jun 30 02:22:51 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: All References to Canada Vanish from Known Textbooks http://t.co/e0w02rbXY0
Mon Jun 30 01:04:59 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Relies on Contributions from
REDACTED
In Order To [REDACTED] Make Your Pledge Today At http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sun Jun 29 22:54:49 +0000 2014
Be Advised: Approved News 6 DOES NOT Accept Contaminated or Heretical Items as Contributions at Any Time
Sun Jun 29 22:52:37 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: University of Oregon Contributes Quietly Humming Obelisk Engraved with Proto-Indo-European Text http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sun Jun 29 22:50:26 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: MIT Contributes 1-Year Subscription to "Mad Science," "Anathema" Journals http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sun Jun 29 22:49:09 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: AFL-CIO Contributes Seven Worker Exploitation Vouchers http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Sun Jun 29 22:46:43 +0000 2014
Webcomic Artist Sues California Mad Scientist "Doctor Heteronormative" For IP Violations, Alleging "Prior Art"
Sun Jun 29 22:39:45 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Vermont Dark Council Contributes 47 Virile Mindslaves, Powerful Unguents http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Sun Jun 29 22:31:24 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Democratic National Committee Contributes Ancient Amulet of Forsaken Majesty http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Sun Jun 29 21:59:01 +0000 2014
How Many Must Die to Satiate the Eternal Pain Orb? The Answer May Surprise You. Find Out Tonight at 8/7c, Only on Approved News 6
Sun Jun 29 21:53:33 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Pain Cult Membership at All-Time Low http://t.co/R2fHcRDVil
Sun Jun 29 21:17:26 +0000 2014
FULL ARTICLE: Scream Council Announces 2014 Terror Awards http://t.co/gX18xl4usw
Sun Jun 29 19:42:01 +0000 2014
Radio Emissions from D.C. Now "Utterly Silent"
Sat Jun 28 04:43:44 +0000 2014
FBI Dispatches Scouts Inside Ritual Zone
Sat Jun 28 04:39:52 +0000 2014
No Couriers Have Exited D.C. Ritual Zone For Six Minutes
Sat Jun 28 04:32:46 +0000 2014
Ambassador Winston Thunderfist Darkhammer Gives "Moving Speech" Promising "New Era of Infernal Relations," Empire of Pain to Span the Globe
Sat Jun 28 04:15:35 +0000 2014
Obama Orders Sacrifices "Impaled on the Living Spikes," Commencement of Blood Ritual
Sat Jun 28 04:13:36 +0000 2014
MIT Demonology Department "Excited" Over "Unprecedented" Daemon Photographs
Sat Jun 28 04:00:00 +0000 2014
@Levialich Experts: Even Gestating Pit Lords Are "Too Large" to Fit in Any Human Building, Mere Presence Would "Snap Mortal Minds Like Twig"
Sat Jun 28 03:55:26 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 I think I went to high school with Zaaly too!
— @Levialich
Sat Jun 28 03:55:25 +0000 2014
Pit Lord, Three Times Height of Lesser Daemons & Melting All Nearby Holy Symbols, Confirmed to be Sec'y Zaal of Interdimensional Relations
Sat Jun 28 03:50:58 +0000 2014
First Images from Kodak Prototype "Camera" Depict Seven Towering Creatures of Molten Flesh, Unearthly Flame, Identified as Lesser Daemons
Sat Jun 28 03:39:58 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Approved News 6 Depends on Viewers Like You to Pay Those Few of Our Couriers Who Will Survive This Night http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Sat Jun 28 03:35:06 +0000 2014
Several "Weakminded" State Dept. Functionaries Believed Lost After Forbidden Rune Failure
Sat Jun 28 03:33:54 +0000 2014
Hell Delegation Appears Composed of Seven Lesser Daemons, Overseen By Pit Lord Believed to be Secretary of Interdimensional Relations
Sat Jun 28 03:29:35 +0000 2014
COVERAGE
UPDATE:
AN6 Courier Network Will Bring Updates From Accession Ceremony At Rate of One Every Ten Minutes
Sat Jun 28 03:24:47 +0000 2014
Analysts: Hell Delegation Has Arrived In D.C. For Ambassadorial Accession Ceremony
Sat Jun 28 03:21:34 +0000 2014
Courier Emerges From D.C. Bearing Photographs, Shaking Uncontrollably
Sat Jun 28 03:19:35 +0000 2014
Experts: "They Are Here"
Sat Jun 28 03:18:49 +0000 2014
All Contact Lost With Washington D.C.; All Radio Channels Suffused With Sounds of Screaming
Sat Jun 28 03:18:35 +0000 2014
New Legislation Requires Citizens to List Date of Death on All Federal Forms
Sat Jun 28 01:36:56 +0000 2014
Critics: Google Has Frequently Violated Motto of "Don't Be Bone Heretics"
Sat Jun 28 00:17:34 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Lobster King Contributes Seventy Bleached Skulls of Unwary Mariners http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jun 27 23:23:07 +0000 2014
@TRIVIADEER Scream Council: Terror Awards "Based Primarily on Scream Quantity, Quality"
Fri Jun 27 23:17:40 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 BUT THE VOCAL CORDS ARE THE TASTIEST PART
— @TRIVIADEER
Fri Jun 27 23:17:39 +0000 2014
Reminder: Approved News 6 Relies on Viewers Like And Unlike You to Bring You Terrible Tidings, Dread Omens http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jun 27 23:16:21 +0000 2014
Washington, D.C.: Clouds Above National Mall Part to Reveal Jet-Black Void; Obama: "The Gates Are Open"
Fri Jun 27 23:12:43 +0000 2014
Everyone should follow @NewsNetwork6 for your daily doses of the only news that remains Uncontaminated. #ff #followfriday
— @ousire
Fri Jun 27 23:09:04 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Regent Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament Contributes Seven Articles of Antique Torture Equipment http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jun 27 22:55:34 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword, American Tree-Punching League Begin Invasion of California Underlands to Eliminate Arborist Nexus
Fri Jun 27 22:53:26 +0000 2014
Foul Red Clouds Begin to Gather Above Washington, D.C.
Fri Jun 27 22:49:51 +0000 2014
Remaining Seers, Clairvoyants in D.C. Experience Seizures; Department of Necromany, Mutilation, and Bone Ritual: "The Road is Opening"
Fri Jun 27 22:38:23 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Dispatches Reporters Equipped With Prototype Kodak "Camera" to D.C. to Record Arrival of Hell Delegation
Fri Jun 27 22:34:59 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Supreme Leader Anastasiya Vasilyeva Contributes Ancient Tome "From The Before Times," Six Rubles http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jun 27 22:31:31 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Contributes Stern Warning, Seven Powerful Teeth http://t.co/KHkGIAuvtq
Fri Jun 27 22:27:29 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: American Tree-Punching League Contributes Five Thousand Tons of "Quality Hardwood;" 600 Pounds of Nails http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Fri Jun 27 22:21:15 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Contribute Heads of Seven Betrayers on Ceremonial Pikes to Support "Impartial" Journalism
Fri Jun 27 22:18:19 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council To Contribute Massive Hand-Woven Tapestry In Muted Pastel Colors Depicting "Quiet Acquiescence"
Fri Jun 27 22:16:41 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 Accepts Contributions In Form of US Currency, Dried Yak Teeth, Biomass (American Only), & Epic Poetry http://t.co/eJTX3Xdg8H
Fri Jun 27 22:13:08 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Every Month Approved News 6 Receives $100 In Support, We Will Bribe A Government Agency To Allow Us To Publish A Propaganda Poster
Fri Jun 27 22:09:42 +0000 2014
PLEDGE MONTH: Kodak Offers New Camera Prototype to Approved News 6 as "Tribute" http://t.co/01CYIK32DY
Fri Jun 27 22:07:13 +0000 2014
Kodak Announces New "Camera" Capable of Recording Demons at "Nearly 80%" Accuracy
Fri Jun 27 22:05:21 +0000 2014
Associated Press To Deploy Specially-Modified Police Sketch Artists Capable of Recording Ambassadorial Ceremony With "Moderate Accuracy"
Fri Jun 27 21:12:46 +0000 2014
Supreme Leader Anastasiya Vasilyeva Apologies For Putin Statement: "We Don't Know How He Keeps Regrowing His Tongue"
Fri Jun 27 21:00:57 +0000 2014
@TRIVIADEER Gloating Pain King Issues Press Release Advising Deer Nationwide To Keep Victims "Alive Longer," Vocal Cords "Intact"
Fri Jun 27 20:59:26 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 WE WERE ROBBED
— @TRIVIADEER
Fri Jun 27 20:59:22 +0000 2014
@sanshirosegata Scream Council: Fictional Characters Rated By "Trope Lords;" Excluded From Terror Awards
Fri Jun 27 20:47:27 +0000 2014
Putin Reportedly "Furious" At Queenspawn Exclusion From Terror Awards, Cites "Anti-Hive Bias," Accuses Kerry of "Nostril Piracy"
Fri Jun 27 20:45:07 +0000 2014
TERROR AWARDS: Dread Cubes, Pain Citadels Again Tie for First Place
Fri Jun 27 20:42:04 +0000 2014
Scream Council Announces Winners of 2014 Terror Awards
Fri Jun 27 20:41:14 +0000 2014
Pressed on Google Activities, Obama Reaffirms U.S. Commitment to Free Markets, Capitalism
Fri Jun 27 20:40:13 +0000 2014
SANTA MONICA: Google Troops Witnessed Loading Screaming Civilians Into Convoy of Brightly-Colored Trucks
Fri Jun 27 20:38:58 +0000 2014
Gmail Outage Resolved After 2-Hour Negotiation; Asked to Detail Terms, Google Spokespersons Look Down As Though Ashamed, Quietly Walk Away
Fri Jun 27 20:37:03 +0000 2014
DNMB Begins Distribution of Oxblood Pendants, Eye Surgeries for All Civilians Who Must Remain in D.C.
Fri Jun 27 20:34:08 +0000 2014
Hell's Dignitaries To Arrive On Earth For Ceremony of Ambassador Darkhammer III's Dread Accession; D.C. Evacuation Begins
Fri Jun 27 18:35:49 +0000 2014
Gmail Outage: "The Servers Have Awakened," Reports Google
Fri Jun 27 18:32:46 +0000 2014
Republican Leadership: Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Ritual "Overburdened," Devil Magic "Should Be Handled by Local Hellpriests"
Fri Jun 27 18:06:10 +0000 2014
Blood Rituals A "State's Rights" Issue: GOP Critics Voice "Concerns" About DNMB Purview
Fri Jun 27 17:57:48 +0000 2014
DNMB: "Proper Ungulates" Vital To Successful Ambassadorial Blood Ritual, Ensuring Previous Ambassador Returned "Relatively Unharmed"
Fri Jun 27 17:56:30 +0000 2014
House Democratic Leader Warns Darkhammer Opponents Obama "Regaining His Full Power"
Fri Jun 27 17:53:51 +0000 2014
Obama: "The Furnaces of Damnation Have Welcomed Our Herald," "There Will Be No Further Delay"
Fri Jun 27 17:52:24 +0000 2014
Darkhammer Nomination: Progressives Raise Questions Over Ambassador's Use of Forbidden Magicks, "Hawkish" Foreign Policy Ideals
Fri Jun 27 17:51:11 +0000 2014
Ambassador Winston Thunderfist Darkhammer III To Descend into Bowels of Hell in Terrible Ritual Monday; Dept. of State Amasses Sacrifices
Fri Jun 27 17:39:55 +0000 2014
Pressed For Comment, MIT President Wordlessly Hurls Academic Journals At Reporters Until All Flee His Office
Fri Jun 27 17:35:37 +0000 2014
Critics: MIT "Ultramath" Program "Fatally Flawed:" "It Is Impossible To Teach The Unknowable"
Fri Jun 27 17:34:38 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
All Denizens of the Maine Forced Labor Zone May Deduct Approved Contributions for Sleep Ration Point Calculation
Fri Jun 27 17:33:18 +0000 2014
Despite our backing by innumerable shadow governments and ancient conspiracies, Approved News 6 needs your help http://t.co/ftLDX1pWgc
Fri Jun 27 17:32:08 +0000 2014
Approved News 6 To Begin Annual Pledge Drive, to Support Loyal Staff, Pay Necessary Bribes http://t.co/ftLDX1pWgc
Thu Jun 26 19:07:01 +0000 2014
Illuminati: All North American Citizens "Cordially Invited" to "Neighborhood Get-Together" at Undisclosed Place, Time
Thu Jun 26 02:48:25 +0000 2014
Dept. of Eternity Warns Many Alternate Timelines "Have Fallen to Contamination;" Interdimensional Travellers Must Be Reported Immediately
Thu Jun 26 02:44:23 +0000 2014
@Levialich You Are Advised To Report Immediately to the Nearest Local Dept. of Eternity Office to Ensure You Are in the Correct Timeline
Thu Jun 26 02:41:50 +0000 2014
@Levialich Reminder: Any Found in Possession of Suppressed Music May Be Subject to Kidnapping, Experimentation by Shadowy Forces
Thu Jun 26 00:35:22 +0000 2014
Democrats Push Back On Sacrificial Lottery Regulation: Deregulation "Disproportionately Affects" Virgins, Seventh Sons
Thu Jun 26 00:30:51 +0000 2014
"We Need To Stop Punishing States for Innovation:" GOP Adds Deregulation of Sacrificial Lotteries to Party Platform
Thu Jun 26 00:10:35 +0000 2014
@Levialich Reminder: All Who Have Escaped From Hell Must Return Within One Month of Ambassador's Accession, Or Face Terrible Consequences
Wed Jun 25 20:40:30 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 Well, that would be the time I went to hell and I forgot to bring back a shirt!
— @Levialich
Wed Jun 25 20:40:23 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera IT Experts: "Most Secure Password" Not "Hardest to Crack," Must Ensure User's "Humility," "Strength of Character"
Wed Jun 25 20:37:31 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 Still seems pretty vulnerable to social engineering.
— @SorayaProtera
Wed Jun 25 20:37:20 +0000 2014
For Secure Passwords, IT Experts Recommend "Succinct Description" of "Most Humiliating Failure"
Wed Jun 25 20:25:21 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Approved News 6 headline writer to be "publicly beheaded" for "incompetence," announces Department of Obedience
Wed Jun 25 19:00:36 +0000 2014
Amid Accusations of Heresy, MIT To Begin Offering "Ultramath" Courses in Fall Term
Wed Jun 25 18:59:18 +0000 2014
@Levialich Harper-Collins: Readers Are Advised to Familiarize Selves with "Knuth's Up-Arrow Notation" Well In Advance of Publication
Wed Jun 25 18:15:26 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 How much will be the first volume?
— @Levialich
Wed Jun 25 18:15:25 +0000 2014
Harper-Collins: Kerry to Co-Author 25-Book Series on Putin's Greatest Weaknesses, Failures, & Heresies
Wed Jun 25 18:10:20 +0000 2014
@sanshirosegata All Citizens Are Cautioned that Enscribing the Name of the Forsaken Show May Lead to Lasting Consequences
Tue Jun 24 23:21:07 +0000 2014
Pundits: "Cowardly" Dems, GOP Afraid to Face the Wrath of the Nameless Terror that Infests All DC Architecture, "Stand Up For The Taxpayer"
Tue Jun 24 23:18:14 +0000 2014
Progressive Caucus on Senate Digestion Chamber Renovation: "We're No Happier About It Than You Are," "Its Fell Thirst Must Be Sated"
Tue Jun 24 23:14:27 +0000 2014
Forbes Releases Annual List of Highest-Compensated Professions; "Bone Witch," "Aged Hermit" Replaced By "
TERRIBLE RUNES
", "Eggslayer"
Tue Jun 24 08:19:02 +0000 2014
To Save "Taxpayer Dollars", Ambassador Darkhammer to Replace Embassy Staff with Personal Army of Mindslaves, Per Ancient Vermont Tradition
Tue Jun 24 04:05:01 +0000 2014
New Hell Embassy To Be Constructed of "Wailing Souls", "Thrashing Corpses" Bound in Boiling Chains To Make Hell's Diplomats More Comfortable
Tue Jun 24 04:01:11 +0000 2014
"Tax Breaks for Avarice:" House Democrats Announce New Vice Subsidy Bill
Tue Jun 24 03:40:17 +0000 2014
Obama: U.S. Citizens Must "Sin Terribly" to Increase Damnation Rates, Boost Infernal Trade
Tue Jun 24 03:37:48 +0000 2014
Dark Council of Vermont to Appoint Interim Dreadlord Until Power Can Be Appropriately Seized in Special Insurrection
Tue Jun 24 03:36:18 +0000 2014
Infernal Sources: "
OMINOUS LAUGHTER
"
Tue Jun 24 03:34:22 +0000 2014
@Levialich All Previous Associates of Lord Winston Should "Change True Name," Mark Selves with "Protective Runes," Suggest Infernal Sources
Tue Jun 24 03:33:57 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 I went to high school with that guy!
— @Levialich
Tue Jun 24 03:33:56 +0000 2014
Self-Proclaimed "Master of Evil" Lord Winston "Excited" for "Unique Opportunity" Posed by Hell Ambassadorship
Tue Jun 24 03:28:01 +0000 2014
New Ambassador to Hell Revealed to be Lord Winston Thunderfist Darkhammer III, Noted Demonologist, Vermont Dreadlord
Tue Jun 24 03:27:03 +0000 2014
In Break With Longstanding Tradition, New Ambassador to Hell Is Not 2012 Campaign Opponent
Tue Jun 24 02:17:52 +0000 2014
Obama Appoints New Ambassador to Hell
Tue Jun 24 02:16:04 +0000 2014
Illuminati: Those Harboring "Forbidden Ideas" Have Been "Adequately Reeducated;" Survivors To Be Returned "Once The Grafts Are Complete"
Tue Jun 24 02:13:15 +0000 2014
Pressed on Public Outcry, Senate Majority Leader Cites "The Knives," Vomits Scarabs
Tue Jun 24 02:08:14 +0000 2014
"This Is What They're Doing With Our Monthly Blood-Tithes?" Angered Citizens Speak Out
Tue Jun 24 02:02:36 +0000 2014
SENATE RENNOVATION: Activist Groups Condemn "Waste of Taxpayer Biomass" During "Time of Economic Calamity"
Tue Jun 24 02:01:49 +0000 2014
Senate Digestive Chambers to be "Extensively Rennovated"
Tue Jun 24 01:56:28 +0000 2014
Illuminati Accuses "Certain Individuals" of Harboring "Forbidden Ideas": "The Black Helicopters Are Already En Route," "Do Not Resist"
Sun Jun 22 07:34:55 +0000 2014
Questioned on Missing Vice President, Obama Hisses "NEVER EXISTED," Stares Silently At Reporter For Five Straight Minutes
Sun Jun 22 03:50:54 +0000 2014
Mitt Romney, Currently on Pilgrimage in the Alps in Search of "Powerful Scrolls," "Ancient Teeth," Could Not Be Reached for Comment
Sun Jun 22 02:44:26 +0000 2014
Obama Denies Charges Astral Possession Charges: "Politics Can Be Dirty Sometimes But Let's Not Accuse Each Other of Forbidden Bone Rituals"
Sun Jun 22 02:39:12 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 That doesn't sound like Obama! That's something Mitt would do!
— @Levialich
Sun Jun 22 02:39:09 +0000 2014
Obama Declares "National Career Week;" Festivities to Include Job Fairs, Public Organ Harvesting of the Unemployed
Sun Jun 22 02:36:45 +0000 2014
Open Season on Greater Mutants, Knife Owls, and Specifically-Marked Citizens Begins Tuesday
Sat Jun 21 00:57:10 +0000 2014
@PalusNebularum It Was Not A God, Report Hollow-Eyed Sources, Laughing Distantly: "No, Not A God"
Sat Jun 21 00:49:31 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 which god did i lay upon the altar of?
— @PalusNebularum
Sat Jun 21 00:49:29 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Open Season on Dreamcrabs, Abyss Elk, and Lesser Mutants Ends Next Monday
Sat Jun 21 00:47:05 +0000 2014
Senate Votes to Fund Memorial to Sacrificed Population of Albany, OR; All Names On Monument To Be Redacted In Accordance With Federal Law
Sat Jun 21 00:37:05 +0000 2014
Illuminati: "What Were We Supposed To Do, Engrave the Names of the Lost on the Bonespires, Oh Wait That Totally Would Have Worked, Um, Shit"
Sat Jun 21 00:27:15 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Releases Thousand-Page Illuminated Manuscript on Fleetness of Memory, Nature of Guilt, Penance
Sat Jun 21 00:17:06 +0000 2014
Angered International Community Demands Why Illuminati, Forbidden Lands "Failed to Act" on Intelligence Provided by Rescued Tourists
Sat Jun 21 00:07:07 +0000 2014
VICTORY! Forsaken Zone Falters, Falls Back to Pacific Ocean; Men in Foil Suits Bid Farewell to "Comrades in Arms," Set Sail Deep Into Zone
Fri Jun 20 23:57:12 +0000 2014
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Halfheartedly Attempts to Take Credit For Forsaken Zone Victories From "Secret" Mars Base
Fri Jun 20 23:54:52 +0000 2014
DNMB Dispatches Thermal Scouring Helicopters to Eradicate Remaining Flesh Spires
Fri Jun 20 23:37:05 +0000 2014
As Fallen Cities Reemerge From Forsaken Zone, Witnesses Report "Few Survivors," "Thousands of Corpses," Wrapped in "Chains of Biting Sinew"
Fri Jun 20 23:27:13 +0000 2014
Normal Skies Begin to Return to Western Front Cities; "Horrific Red Sun" Steadily Shrinking
Fri Jun 20 23:17:10 +0000 2014
Witnesses: "Entire Population" of Albany, OR Being Used to Fuel Mysterious DNMB Bone Ritual
Fri Jun 20 23:07:11 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
FORSAKEN ZONE FALTERS, BEGINS TO RECEDE
Fri Jun 20 22:57:02 +0000 2014
GOP Accuses Men in Foil Suits of "Terrorist Acts," Demands "Immediate Action"
Fri Jun 20 22:47:03 +0000 2014
"An Unexpected Ally:" Men In Foil Suits Enlist DNMB Forces Against The Boats
Fri Jun 20 22:37:01 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB forces report onrushing surge of men in foil suits, in "numbers beyond counting"
Fri Jun 20 22:27:01 +0000 2014
DNMB Forces Report "Staggering Casualties," "Widespread Ontological Hazards"
Fri Jun 20 22:17:04 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary Reestablishes Contact With Expeditionary Force Through "A Sacrifice Whose Cost Will Only Be Known In Years to Come"
Fri Jun 20 22:07:08 +0000 2014
California: Men in Foil Suits Witnessed Carrying "Impossibly Long" Tin Needles, Breaching Forsaken Zone
Fri Jun 20 21:57:09 +0000 2014
Obama Asked to "Invoke the Obelisks" at Press Conference; Blood-Red Ravens Devour All In Attendance
Fri Jun 20 21:47:05 +0000 2014
DNMB: Forsaken Zone Interior "Bubbles" Beneath "Blood-Red Sky," Lit By "Horrific New Sun"
Fri Jun 20 21:37:56 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Successfully Breach Forsaken Zone to Reinforce DNMB Units; All Contact Lost
Fri Jun 20 21:37:16 +0000 2014
Obama Makes Emergency Pilgrimage to Old Forest, Staffers Dragging Dozens of Screaming Sacrifices, Some Still Alive
Fri Jun 20 21:32:40 +0000 2014
DNMB Analysts: Forsaken Zone "Corrupts," Must Not Be Entered By "The Unworthy"
Fri Jun 20 21:28:08 +0000 2014
National Guard Attempts to Breach Forsaken Zone; Results "Catastrophic;" "Visceral"
Fri Jun 20 21:27:02 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Orders Evacuation of All Citizens Lacking Specific Bone Runes from Entire West Coast
Fri Jun 20 21:17:08 +0000 2014
Debriefed, DNMB Courier Reports "Bone Mountains," "Towering Flesh Trees," "Eyeless Hordes"
Fri Jun 20 21:07:15 +0000 2014
DNMB Courier Escapes Forsaken Zone, Calls for Backup; Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Dispatch Force of Thousands
Fri Jun 20 20:57:04 +0000 2014
Pressed on The Boats, Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Nowhere to be Found
Fri Jun 20 20:47:14 +0000 2014
Clinton Suspends Campaign, Returns to Underground Fortress to Commune with "Earth Devils" on The Boats
Fri Jun 20 20:42:56 +0000 2014
1:17 PM Pacific Time: Major Forsaken Zone Expansion Event Occurs; DNMB Estimates Zone Has Moved 70 Miles Inwards
Fri Jun 20 20:21:06 +0000 2014
DNMB Contingent Vanishes Into Forsaken Zone; Dread Secretary: "Now We Must Wait"
Fri Jun 20 20:12:23 +0000 2014
Massive Force of Masked DNMB Officials Stream from Albany Citadel, Far More Than Were Witnessed Entering
Fri Jun 20 19:47:07 +0000 2014
@forresteth Our Legal Department Advises Us To Clarify That Even Approved News 6 May Not Be Able To Protect You In The End
Fri Jun 20 19:37:13 +0000 2014
#FF @NewsNetwork6 if you wish to survive the The Boats and the blood-soaked maidens.
— @forresteth
Fri Jun 20 19:37:11 +0000 2014
Observation Drones Retrieved from Forsaken Zone "Heaving," Covered in "Gristle"
Fri Jun 20 19:17:14 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Ritual To Organize Expedition into Forsaken Zone; Pundits Label DNMB "Incautious"
Fri Jun 20 19:17:11 +0000 2014
NOAA: Recent Satellite Footage of Western Seaboard "Forsaken Zone" Is "Not For Earthly Eyes," "Contains Lies and Truth in Equal Measure"
Fri Jun 20 19:07:01 +0000 2014
BAJA, CALIFORNIA: Men In Foil Suits Sighted Sailing Westward in "Mighty Flotilla" in "Numbers Beyond Count"
Fri Jun 20 18:57:13 +0000 2014
DNMB Dread Secretary Arrives in Albany, OR With "Undulating" Cohort; Takes Up Residence in "Towering Citadel" That Was Not There Yesterday
Fri Jun 20 18:47:03 +0000 2014
Western Front Governors Begin Laying Forbidden Rune Circles, Deploying Bone Sorcerers
Fri Jun 20 18:37:16 +0000 2014
Obama, Blood-Soaked Maidens Reach Agreement: U.S. To Provide "Eastern Oregon Protectorate" With "Pain Cords," Military-Grade "Replicas"
Fri Jun 20 18:27:12 +0000 2014
MIT Astronomers: Stars in Western Front Cities Match No Known or Conceivable Configuration, Portend Much
Fri Jun 20 18:17:03 +0000 2014
Frantic Cleveland Cultists Issue Press Release: "It Was Not Supposed To End This Way"
Fri Jun 20 18:07:15 +0000 2014
"No Clouds Remain" In Western United States; Western Front Cities Report "Strange Stars"
Fri Jun 20 06:02:54 +0000 2014
http://t.co/bNzI8dO5s9: Intel Forsaken Bridge Devices Evincing "Improved Performance" Near Western Front
Fri Jun 20 06:00:30 +0000 2014
Illuminati Spokesbeing: "Be Grateful We Tried;" "They Are Beyond Any Help We Can Offer"
Fri Jun 20 05:58:22 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Illuminati Cancels All Teleporter Evacukidnappings; Visibly Shaking Spokesbeing, Covered in Unknown Substances, Refuses to Elaborate
Fri Jun 20 05:57:32 +0000 2014
Illuminati To Begin Teleporter "Evacu-Kidnappings" of Fallen Western Front Cities, Promises "Minimal Modifications"
Fri Jun 20 05:54:10 +0000 2014
Furious Regent Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament Reports Men In Foil Suits "Have Seized Our Mighty Navy"
Fri Jun 20 05:53:07 +0000 2014
Dread Secretary of Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals to Personally Travel to Western Front
Fri Jun 20 05:51:58 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: "We Fear This Be A Threat No Steel Shall Fell"
Fri Jun 20 05:50:07 +0000 2014
"It Is Supposed to be Night": Western Front City Eugene, OR Reports "Terrible Red Sun" In Night Sky, "Growing Hourly"
Fri Jun 20 05:48:19 +0000 2014
Obama: "Trying Times" Require "Pragmatism;" Agrees to Enter Talks with Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Fri Jun 20 05:43:36 +0000 2014
"Western Front" Cities Begin Fortifications, Sacrificial Rites of Protection, Appeasement
Fri Jun 20 05:41:02 +0000 2014
Senate Minority Leader: Obama "Must Not Negotiate With Heretics," "Undermine National Flesh Purity"
Fri Jun 20 05:40:03 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Report "Terrible Cries" From Beyond Horizon; Propose Temporary Truce, Alliance With United States
Fri Jun 20 05:39:28 +0000 2014
House Dems Issue "Devastating" Response to Tea Party; Thousands Missing, Feared Dead; Sources Report Millions in Damage to National Mall
Fri Jun 20 05:35:48 +0000 2014
Agitating for Impeachment, Tea Party Alleges Obama's Power "Greatly Weakened" In Wake of Queenspawn Incursion
Fri Jun 20 05:33:08 +0000 2014
Pundits: US Government "Does Not Have Adequate Resources" To Deal With "Second Incursion"
Fri Jun 20 05:27:11 +0000 2014
Department of Homeland Security: "Contact Lost" With All West Coast Cities
Fri Jun 20 05:25:46 +0000 2014
Grand Vizier Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament: Men In Foil Suits "Rapidly Multiplying," "Immune to Conventional Weapons"
Fri Jun 20 04:57:07 +0000 2014
"False Alarm:" MIT Biologists: Reported Boat Viscera Similarity to Queenspawn "Statistical Error;" "In Reality It Is Something Far Worse"
Fri Jun 20 04:53:25 +0000 2014
@patbarilla Sources Suggest Fleeing to "Heart of Desolation," Taking Up "Life of Solitude"
Fri Jun 20 04:50:39 +0000 2014
@newsnetwork6 now i can see my screaming visage in each of the portholes of the boats in the calendar. what do i do?
— @patbarilla
Fri Jun 20 04:50:38 +0000 2014
@patbarilla Reminder: The Words Are How They Get In
Fri Jun 20 04:47:31 +0000 2014
@newsnetwork6 th͍̼̹̜̠͚̲̀̇͗ͬ̿͌̚e̟̰͇̟͉͘ ̒̑̃̑͏̠̫͓̫̬̞̺b̥͙̐̐̎ͥ͜ô̖̲̲̄͋͛aͭ̂̃t̀͑͂̓s̙ͣ̅̅͛
— @patbarilla
Fri Jun 20 04:47:29 +0000 2014
@nu_vagus News Oracles Report "Scheduling Difficulties"
Fri Jun 20 04:46:56 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 when can we expect a report to explain what's uptick?
— @nu_vagus
Fri Jun 20 04:46:53 +0000 2014
@newsnetwork6 i tried to return the calendar but all thats left of the shop is a swirling vortex into another dimension.
— @patbarilla
Fri Jun 20 04:45:24 +0000 2014
@patbarilla It Is Of The Utmost Urgency You Report For Decontamination Procedures Immediately. Sources Suggest "You Will Be Remembered"
Fri Jun 20 04:45:17 +0000 2014
@patbarilla It Is Of The Utmost Urgency You Report For Decontamination Procedures Immediately. Sources Suggest "You Will Be Remembered"
Fri Jun 20 04:45:17 +0000 2014
@patbarilla Analysts Report "It Is Already Too Late," Recommend "Resigned Acceptance"
Fri Jun 20 04:43:28 +0000 2014
@newsnetwork6 silly me, i just bought the "365 days of boats" desk calendar.
— @patbarilla
Fri Jun 20 04:42:00 +0000 2014
Cleveland Reports Uptick in Heretical Bone Rituals
Fri Jun 20 04:41:53 +0000 2014
URGENT: Recent Boat Viscera Confirmed Contaminated; All Citizens Urged to Avoid Looking At Boats
Fri Jun 20 04:39:39 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Marine biologists studying The Boats report "worrisome similarity" in viscera to early Rushmore blood, tar samples
Fri Jun 20 04:38:06 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
News of the New York City Council is No Longer Approved. We Regret the Inadvertent Heresy; Those Responsible Have Been Dealt With.
Fri Jun 20 04:36:23 +0000 2014
New York City Council Denies All Reports of "Secret Conflict," Orders "Fortifications" Built
Fri Jun 20 04:34:49 +0000 2014
Grand Vizier Tormund Torquist of Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament Weighs In On Putin Tribunal; On Potential Sentences, Recommends "Glue"
Fri Jun 20 04:33:49 +0000 2014
American Tree-Punching League: Arborist Nexus, Breeding Grounds Discovered Deep Beneath California, Blood-Soaked Maidens Preparing Invasion
Fri Jun 20 03:04:00 +0000 2014
Asked for Specifics, New York City Council Immediately Overrules Self, Warns Citizens of "Secret Conflict"
Fri Jun 20 02:58:19 +0000 2014
Citing "Forsaken Knowledge," New York City Council Bans Hats
Fri Jun 20 02:56:04 +0000 2014
Asked to Cite Specific Prophecy, Kerry Dons Enormous Hat, Flees into Sunset on Horseback
Fri Jun 20 02:52:34 +0000 2014
Pressed for Response, Kerry Reminds International Community Putin "Betrayed Earth" to "Terrible Hive" "As Foretold in Ancient Prophecy"
Fri Jun 20 02:51:14 +0000 2014
"Supreme Leader" Anastasiya Vasilyeva of Russia Apologizes for Putin's "Lies:" "Should Not Have Been Able to Speak Through the Restraints"
Fri Jun 20 02:48:08 +0000 2014
Facing War Crimes Tribunal, Putin Issues "Urgent" Statement: Kerry "Has Misplaced Sense of Eroticism," "Cannot Comprehend True Art"
Fri Jun 20 02:45:31 +0000 2014
Study Shows Human Bladder "Most Deceitful Organ," Report MIT Biologists
Fri Jun 20 00:27:23 +0000 2014
Clinton to Kick Off Campaign "Amid the Desolation"
Thu Jun 19 16:39:02 +0000 2014
@SweetNAwful Council: Qualified Applicants Should Cry "Single Tear" Into "Aged Chalice", Ring Silver Bell Seven Times, "Await Instructions"
Thu Jun 19 02:13:04 +0000 2014
@alexis_summer Be Advised: Forsaken Sources Indicate All Authors Must Report Immediately For "Procedures" Or Face "Consequences"
Wed Jun 18 23:17:55 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 are you threatening me
— @alexis_summer
Wed Jun 18 23:15:50 +0000 2014
Forsaken Sources Suggest "Death of the Author" To Become "Terrifyingly Literal"
Wed Jun 18 23:13:54 +0000 2014
Food Critics on New Kroger Dread Bagels: "You Will Never Be The Same Again"
Wed Jun 18 18:07:05 +0000 2014
Which of Your Household Appliances is Most Likely to Betray You? Find Out Tonight at 8/7c
Wed Jun 18 17:57:10 +0000 2014
Nabisco Sparks Controversy by Removing Mind-Control Chemicals From All Product Lines; Decision Decried as "Irresponsible," "
REDACTED
"
Wed Jun 18 17:47:11 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Lesser Brazilian Police Hives Present FIFA Dreadlords With Mass Sacrifices in Hope of "Improvement"
Wed Jun 18 17:37:03 +0000 2014
THE BOATS: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council To Post "Wise Sea Captains" with "Mysterious Pasts" at All Harbors
Wed Jun 18 17:27:08 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
US Coast Guard reports amount of blood, viscera found in The Boats has increased markedly over the past week
Wed Jun 18 17:17:03 +0000 2014
SPORTS: FIFA Dreadlords Commence "Festival of Blood," Promise "Manifold Torments" For Luckless Contestants, Bystanders
Wed Jun 18 17:07:07 +0000 2014
Concerned Parents Warn of Threats to Flesh Purity
Wed Jun 18 16:32:27 +0000 2014
Kroger: Dread Bagels "Bring A Taste of the Abyss" To Every Breakfast; Spokesman Denies Reports of "Ontological Quandaries"
Wed Jun 18 09:00:19 +0000 2014
Kroger Corporation Announces New "Dread Bagels"
Wed Jun 18 04:08:14 +0000 2014
Pressed for Comment, Illuminati Secretary-General Releases Statement Consisting Only of Words "#tw memetic parasites"
Tue Jun 17 21:47:45 +0000 2014
Furious "Reddit Dudebros" Afflicted by Memetic Parasites in Attempt to Deface Websites of Illuminati Front Corporations
Tue Jun 17 21:42:41 +0000 2014
Illuminati Announces Plan to Introduce "Real-Life" Trigger Warnings, Thanks "Reddit Dudebros" for "Inspiration"
Tue Jun 17 18:19:23 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
"It Is Not A Sandwich," Reports Terrified Philosopher
Tue Jun 17 17:37:14 +0000 2014
"It's Just a Sandwich?" Philosopher Discovers Root of All Evil Buried Deep Within New York Subway System
Tue Jun 17 17:28:24 +0000 2014
"It Is Lost To Us:" Oregon Governor Demurs on Eastern Oregon Reconquest
Tue Jun 17 17:26:31 +0000 2014
Democrats Accuse Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword of "Religious Hate Crime," Demand Military Intervention to Retake Eastern Oregon
Tue Jun 17 17:26:05 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce "Successful" Raid on Celebrants of Yellow Defiler Compound in Western Oregon
Tue Jun 17 17:23:56 +0000 2014
Spider Council Announces Seven New Spiders, "Each More Horrifying than the Last"
Tue Jun 17 17:20:06 +0000 2014
Republicans: Meat A "State Issue;" Dismiss Fears of Contamination
Tue Jun 17 02:08:06 +0000 2014
Sen. Thad Erickson (Ω-Kentucky) Introduces Bill to Create "Federal Department of Meat"
Tue Jun 17 02:01:05 +0000 2014
Department of Health & Human Services Releases Pamphlet on "Types of Screams" & "How to Recognize Them"
Tue Jun 17 01:49:42 +0000 2014
NOAA Warns of "Meat Tornadoes"
Tue Jun 17 01:39:46 +0000 2014
As Part of Social Networking Campaign, Maine Forced Labor Zone Announces "Get Out of Beating Free Card" Raffle http://t.co/FAiPOSu9vR
Mon Jun 16 03:45:07 +0000 2014
Republicans Criticize "Byzantine" Restrictions on Shock Collars Use in Maine Forced Labor Zone, Claim They Will "Hamper Enforcement"
Sat Jun 14 14:17:45 +0000 2014
Russia: Interrogated on Treachery, Putin Ceaselessly Repeats Word "UNQUENCHED" for Hours, Loses Consciousness
Sat Jun 14 07:11:20 +0000 2014
In Wake of Russia Regime Change, Congress Quietly Drops Trade Bill Banning Import of Festering Chitin, Hog Blood
Sat Jun 14 07:08:09 +0000 2014
Democrats Call for "Tighter Teleport Regulation;" GOP: "Grostesque Violation of Forsaken-Amendment Rights"
Sat Jun 14 07:06:13 +0000 2014
Ancient Nameless Stone Jaguar Sculpture Arrested In Hit-and-Run, Escapes Custody by "Teleportation"
Sat Jun 14 07:02:07 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
University of Oregon Linguists Identify Language of Bone Fugue Victims as "Proto-Indo-European"
Sat Jun 14 06:38:04 +0000 2014
State Department Releases Long, Rambling Statement Condemning Putin for "Desecrating Fruit," "Spurning Suitors"
Sat Jun 14 06:31:09 +0000 2014
Minnesota Announces Seven New Mandatory Injections for Dakota Dreadlands Refugees
Sat Jun 14 06:19:37 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Announce Birth of New Prophet: "She Will Lead Us To Untold Glory"
Sat Jun 14 06:17:25 +0000 2014
Maine Forced Labor Zone: Reporting Seditious Workers Will Earn Citizens Five Minutes of Sleep Rations
Sat Jun 14 06:12:49 +0000 2014
Asked When She Intends to Relinquish Power to Civilian Authorities, Russian Supreme General Anastasiya Vasilyeva Calls Reporters "Adorable"
Sat Jun 14 06:09:54 +0000 2014
Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament: Grand Vizier Tormund Torquist to Purge Civil Service of "Disloyal" Elements
Sat Jun 14 06:05:58 +0000 2014
Hospitals Report X-Rays Reveal "Jagged," "Enormous" Runes Inscribed on Patients' Bones; "Unlike Any Bone Runes Previously Documented"
Sat Jun 14 06:02:52 +0000 2014
Hospitals Report Victims "Unable to Speak, Understand Any Known Language;" Shouting in "Incomprehensible Tongue", "Scrawling Profane Glyphs"
Sat Jun 14 04:48:34 +0000 2014
Recent Bone Fugue Victims Begin to Regain Consciousness
Sat Jun 14 04:46:44 +0000 2014
Pressed For Comment, Illuminati Spokesbeing Winks Suggestively, Kidnaps Reporters' Families by Teleporter
Sat Jun 14 04:26:02 +0000 2014
Intricate Seven-Mile High Structure at Center of "Dakota Dreadlands" Alleged Claimed by Illuminati as New Secret Headquarters
Sat Jun 14 04:24:50 +0000 2014
"The Cubes Were Thorough": Scouts Report No Sign of Fleshbeasts, Surviving Queenspawn
Sat Jun 14 04:20:12 +0000 2014
Cube Experts: Dakota Formations "Unprecedented," "Dramatic," "Terrifying"
Sat Jun 14 04:19:39 +0000 2014
Preliminary Flyover of "Dakota Dreadlands" Reveals "Yawning Chasms," "Impossible Spires"
Sat Jun 14 04:18:23 +0000 2014
"TURN INTO CROW:" Cosmo Releases New List of Hot Sex Tips
Fri Jun 13 23:37:22 +0000 2014
Dove Repudiates "Smear Campaign" Against New Product, Threatens "Infestation", "Implants"
Fri Jun 13 18:14:16 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 Product makes young girls "Look fierce," "grow fangs, claws"
— @SweetNAwful
Fri Jun 13 18:10:51 +0000 2014
Mass Sacrifices, Rituals of Appeasement Narrowly Avert Stock Market Catastrophe in Wake of Complete Destruction of Two States
Fri Jun 13 18:07:09 +0000 2014
AFL-CIO: Dakota Maze To Bring "Much-Needed Jobs" in "Enforcement Sector" To Now-Deserted Region
Fri Jun 13 17:57:07 +0000 2014
Convicted MIT Professors Sentenced to Contemplate Past Failures "Until They Are Old and Gray"
Fri Jun 13 17:48:14 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Convicts Visiting MIT Professors of "Conspiracy to Commit Thought Crime."
Fri Jun 13 17:47:04 +0000 2014
Dove Releases New Hair Product: Will "Appease Your Enemies," "Amplify Inner Harmonics"
Fri Jun 13 17:37:14 +0000 2014
Dread Cubes Finally Withdraw from Dakota Restructuring Zone; Zone To Be Converted into "Endless Maze" for "Unproductive Citizens"
Fri Jun 13 17:28:21 +0000 2014
Louisiana Legislators Mull Use of "Atomic Chair" to Execute Death-Row Inmates
Fri Jun 13 17:24:34 +0000 2014
Illuminati Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor Graciously Declines Presidential Medal of Freedom in "Moving" Speech, Mind-Wipes All in Attendance
Fri Jun 13 04:01:36 +0000 2014
Pressed on Whereabouts of Missing Senate Parliamentarian, Obama Answers Simply "He Will Return When We Need Him Most"
Thu Jun 12 16:18:01 +0000 2014
DNMB Necromancers Issue Cryptic Press Release Warning of Nonspecific "Deceptions", Retreat Deep Into Headquarters
Thu Jun 12 16:06:47 +0000 2014
Mattel Corporation Announces New Lines of Dread Cube, Queenspawn Action Figures
Thu Jun 12 16:04:02 +0000 2014
Obama to Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Secretary-General Ulikh Yoor of Illuminati
Thu Jun 12 09:02:52 +0000 2014
Ukraine Authorities Confirm Kiev "Sterilized" by Joint Ash Serpent, Netherman, & Illuminati Strike Force
Thu Jun 12 08:43:49 +0000 2014
Asked To Explain Connection Between Deceased Executive Souls, "The Hive," Intel Executives Offer PowerPoint Presentation, Request Donuts
Thu Jun 12 08:25:53 +0000 2014
Intel Marketing Department Admits Guilt in Approved News 6 Hack, Cites "Experiment in Memetic Marketing"
Thu Jun 12 08:23:52 +0000 2014
University of Oregon Department of Biology Confirms Intel Board Metamorphorsis "Part of the Normal Executive Life Cycle"
Thu Jun 12 08:21:17 +0000 2014
Intel Executives: "What? We Told You It Was Nothing to Worry About."
Thu Jun 12 08:20:19 +0000 2014
DNMB Reports "Confusion" Over Intel Board Metamorphosis
Thu Jun 12 08:19:33 +0000 2014
DOJ: Intel Executives "Significantly Larger," Smiles "Noticeably Wider, More 'Winning'"
Thu Jun 12 08:18:17 +0000 2014
DOJ Reports Intel Executives Emerging from Cocoons
Thu Jun 12 08:16:26 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Apologize to Celebrants of Yellow Defiler for "False Accusations," To Undertake "Severe Penance"
Thu Jun 12 08:08:50 +0000 2014
RUSSIA: Supreme Genera Anastasiya Vasilyeva Announces Plans to Marry Long-Term Girlfriend, Force Putin to Attend Wedding in "Cramped Cage"
Thu Jun 12 08:07:21 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Unveils New Mural Depicting Tragedy of Loss, Potential of Rebirth
Thu Jun 12 08:05:18 +0000 2014
Surviving Old Forest Troops Return to Old Forest, Take Up Silent Vigil Among the Branches
Thu Jun 12 08:02:13 +0000 2014
War-Weary Nevada Sandlords, Mesoamerican Deities Sign Armistice
Thu Jun 12 08:01:03 +0000 2014
Entire MIT Department of Economics Faculty Flees Country For "No Reason, No Reason At All"
Thu Jun 12 07:59:31 +0000 2014
Governor's Offices Release Preliminary Figures: One Million Homeless, Half A Million Killed in Aftermath of Dakota Invasion, Evacuation
Thu Jun 12 07:58:25 +0000 2014
Analysts Estimate "Nearly a Trillion Dollars" In Damage Done to Dakota Alone
Thu Jun 12 07:55:50 +0000 2014
Republicans Slam Obama for "Prioritizing America's Number-One Geopolitical Foe" Over "American Heartland"
Thu Jun 12 07:53:00 +0000 2014
Supreme General Vasilyeva: Putin "Taken Into Custody," Will Be "Reasonably Intact" For War Crimes Trial
Thu Jun 12 07:51:53 +0000 2014
Obama: Putin "Must Face Trial" For War Crimes, "Treason Against Humanity"
Thu Jun 12 07:50:13 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Supreme General Vasilyeva Reports Obama Seen Emerging from Exclusion Zone, Putin in Handcuffs, No Sign of Obelisks, Queenspawn
Thu Jun 12 07:49:25 +0000 2014
All Contact Lost with Moscow Exclusion Zone
Thu Jun 12 07:41:35 +0000 2014
Obama: Putin's Expansionism "Crosses A Line," Sanctions "No Longer Sufficient;" Unfurls Scroll of Forbidden Runes
Thu Jun 12 07:41:05 +0000 2014
Putin Manifests In Moscow Exclusion Zone, Asserts Kerry "Lacks Panache"
Thu Jun 12 07:37:00 +0000 2014
Russian Allied Forces Report "Millions" of Blood-Red Obelisks Suddenly Surrounding Moscow Exclusion Zone
Thu Jun 12 07:35:03 +0000 2014
Obama, Missing Senate Parliamentarian Seen Exiting Air Force One, Clad in Shadowy Tunics and Bearing Gavels
Thu Jun 12 07:34:04 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Air Force One Sighted Outside Moscow
Thu Jun 12 07:30:53 +0000 2014
Satellites Suggest Very Few Queenspawn Remain Active in Dakota Restructuring Zone
Thu Jun 12 07:29:52 +0000 2014
CUBE VICTORY? Black Sphere with Thousands of Eyes "Messily Restructed" Across Several Square Miles
Thu Jun 12 07:25:27 +0000 2014
Black Sphere with Thousands of Eyes Engages Dread Cubes; Earthquakes Felt As Far As Idaho
Thu Jun 12 07:22:27 +0000 2014
Witnesses Report Queenspawn Suffering "Massive Casualties," "Aggressive Restructuring"
Thu Jun 12 07:19:43 +0000 2014
Queenspawn Fall Back, Begin Assailing Dread Cubes
Thu Jun 12 07:16:52 +0000 2014
"Blood-Curdling" Shrieks Heard for Miles as Crystalline Pyramids Begin Rising from Dakota Restructuring Zone
Thu Jun 12 07:16:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DREAD CUBES CLAIM ENTIRETY OF DAKOTA EXCLUSION ZONE
Thu Jun 12 07:13:55 +0000 2014
Satellite Imagery Indicates Dread Cube Event of "Unprecedented Scale," Reports NASA
Thu Jun 12 07:13:16 +0000 2014
URGENT: DAKOTA SOURCES REPORT DREAD CUBE SIGHTING
Thu Jun 12 07:11:57 +0000 2014
Sources Report "Eerie Warbling, Almost as Though…"
Thu Jun 12 07:11:26 +0000 2014
Skies Darken Above Dakota as Black Sphere Opens Thousands of Eyes. Putin: "The Queen Has Woken."
Thu Jun 12 07:10:05 +0000 2014
Queenspawn Front Surging Forward In All Directions
Thu Jun 12 07:09:06 +0000 2014
Sources: Allied Troops Falling Back; Florida State Police Disembarking from Black Helicopters
Thu Jun 12 07:08:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Illuminati Sec'y General Ulikh Yoor makes Dakota-wide telepathic broadcast: "FLEE. FLEE NOW. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR PART. IT IS TIME."
Thu Jun 12 07:07:31 +0000 2014
Dakota Allied Forces Begin Massive Assault to Push Back Queenspawn, Report Casualties in the Thousands
Thu Jun 12 07:05:10 +0000 2014
Sandlords: Allied Forces "Critically Weakened," "But We'll Go Out In A Goddamn Blaze of Glory"
Thu Jun 12 07:03:54 +0000 2014
Russian Armed Forces Report Alliance with Nethermen, Ash Serpents to Contain Moscow
Thu Jun 12 07:02:20 +0000 2014
Russia Placed Under Martial Law: General Anastasiya Vasilyeva Seizes Power
Thu Jun 12 07:01:06 +0000 2014
Dakota Allied Forces: Queenspawn Fortifying Positions, Massive Sphere of Black Slime Growing in Sky
Thu Jun 12 06:56:22 +0000 2014
SPONSORED: Approved News 6 is proudly supported by State Farm Bone Fugue Insurance. "You're Legally Required To Have It."
Thu Jun 12 06:55:01 +0000 2014
Sandlords: "It's Working," "The Punks are Finally Giving Ground"
Thu Jun 12 06:51:59 +0000 2014
Russian Military, Bone Sorcerers Begin Assault on Moscow Mounds
Thu Jun 12 06:50:58 +0000 2014
Sources: "Towering Mounds" Erupting from Moscow Remains
Thu Jun 12 06:49:57 +0000 2014
First Old Forest Troops Begin Arriving in Dakota Exclusion Zone, Engaging Queenspawn; Witnesses Report Enemy Falling Back
Thu Jun 12 06:48:45 +0000 2014
Hundreds of Black Helicopters Sighted Above Dakota Exclusion Zone
Thu Jun 12 06:45:52 +0000 2014
Old Forest Army Begins Moving Towards Dakota Exclusion Zone at "Unimaginable Speed;" All Cities on Route Evacuated
Thu Jun 12 06:45:15 +0000 2014
DNMB Confirms Pundit Speculation: "They Have Been Remade," "They Are Greater Now"
Thu Jun 12 06:43:34 +0000 2014
Still-Conscious Sources Report Thousands of Floating, "Pulsating" Beings Emerging from Old Sword, Swords of Bone and Sinew In Each Hand
Thu Jun 12 06:42:53 +0000 2014
WARNING: THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS HAVE BEGUN ENTERING THE BONE FUGUE UNSCHEDULED
Thu Jun 12 06:41:50 +0000 2014
Nevada Sandlords Report "Staggering Casualties" on All Sides
Thu Jun 12 06:39:27 +0000 2014
Nevada Sandlords, Mesoamerican Deities Engage Queenspawn; Witnesses Report Blinding Lights, Maddening Cries, "Roiling Sea of Claws"
Thu Jun 12 06:38:38 +0000 2014
Florida Secret Police: Queenspawn "Adapting" To Counter Secret Wisdom
Thu Jun 12 06:36:10 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
12,000 Memetically Affected Americans Being Airlifted to Old Forest in Massive Interstate Effort
Thu Jun 12 06:34:23 +0000 2014
MIT Department of Mathematics: "We Can Delay Them, But Only for a Time"
Thu Jun 12 06:32:58 +0000 2014
Convinced of Threat, Nevada Sandlords, Mesoamerican Deities Agree to Launch Joint Assault on Dakota Exclusion Zone
Thu Jun 12 06:31:17 +0000 2014
Governors Announce Evacuation of North, South Dakota
Thu Jun 12 06:30:24 +0000 2014
DNMB: All Memetically Affected Americans Must Report to Old Forest, Promise "An End to the Suffering," "A Greater Purpose"
Thu Jun 12 06:29:20 +0000 2014
MT. RUSHMORE CONTAINMENT ZONE BREACHED
Thu Jun 12 06:26:48 +0000 2014
University of Oregon Conspiracy Theorists Report "Massively Increased" Illuminati Activity Worldwide
Thu Jun 12 06:24:08 +0000 2014
Pressed on Republican Accusations, DNC Eats Journalist
Thu Jun 12 06:22:48 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Obama announces "temporary ceasefire" between Nevada sandlords, Mesoamerican deities
Thu Jun 12 06:22:14 +0000 2014
"It Was For Nothing:" Visibly Intoxicated Russian Ambassador, Empty Wine Bottle In Hand, Reports "Something" Arising From Moscow Remains
Thu Jun 12 06:20:49 +0000 2014
Florida Secret Police Begin Secret Wisdom Deployment, Hundreds Brutally
REDACTED
To Fuel Attack
Thu Jun 12 06:19:04 +0000 2014
In Rare Public Appearance, Dread Secretary Announces Support of Old Forest for Bone Cavern Summit Through One Thousand Mouths of Underlings
Thu Jun 12 06:17:44 +0000 2014
Obama Expands Bone Cavern Summit, Invites Nevada Sandlords, Mesoamerican Deities, & MIT President to Attend
Thu Jun 12 06:16:00 +0000 2014
South Dakota Governor Accepts Florida Secret Police Offer of Secret Wisdom
Thu Jun 12 06:11:43 +0000 2014
DNMB Thermal Scouring Helicopters Report No Effect on "Queenspawn"
Thu Jun 12 06:10:26 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "Does Not Know When To Quit," "Speaks Seven Lies for Every Truth"
Thu Jun 12 06:09:54 +0000 2014
Putin, Believed Killed in Strike, Spontaneously Reforms Among Rushmore "Queenspawn," Alleges Kerry "Has Eyes of Amorous Liger"
Thu Jun 12 06:08:36 +0000 2014
NATO Reports Successful Nuclear Strike on Moscow, "Great Storm" of "Roiling Fluids"
Thu Jun 12 06:04:55 +0000 2014
Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament Mock "Insulting" Shadow Lands Support: Haiku "Has Incorrect Number of Syllables," Offer Decorative Hats, Eels
Thu Jun 12 06:03:06 +0000 2014
International Community Reacts to Rushmore Crisis: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Offers A Single Rose, Brief Haiku
Thu Jun 12 06:01:28 +0000 2014
Russian Ambassador to United Nations Demands Nuclear Strike on Moscow: "It Is The Only Way To Save What Little Remains"
Thu Jun 12 05:58:13 +0000 2014
Leaking Black Sludge, DNC Retreats from Rushmore Containment Zone; Republicans Slam Democratic "Cowardice"
Thu Jun 12 05:56:57 +0000 2014
DNMB Dread Secretary, Underlings Seen Entering Old Forest Dragging Sacrificial Offerings, Many Still Alive, Screaming
Thu Jun 12 05:53:14 +0000 2014
Obama Boards Air Force One En Route to Bone Caverns For Emergency Summit Session
Thu Jun 12 05:52:05 +0000 2014
Wired: Memetically Affected 7.7% of Approved News 6 Readership Had Purchased "Forsaken Bridge" Technology
Thu Jun 12 05:51:07 +0000 2014
Florida Secret Police Offer South Dakota Use of "Secret Wisdom" To Combat "Queenspawn" Should "The Situation Become Truly Dire"
Thu Jun 12 05:48:09 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNC engage Mt. Rushmore "queenspawn," witnesses report massive casualties on both sides
Thu Jun 12 05:45:24 +0000 2014
DNMB Authorizes Use of Thermal Scouring Helicopters
Thu Jun 12 05:44:04 +0000 2014
DOJ: Surviving Intel Executives Have Begun "Metamorphosis"
Thu Jun 12 05:43:20 +0000 2014
Putin: "The Queenspawn Cannot Be Contained," "The Hive Devours"
Thu Jun 12 05:42:32 +0000 2014
Governor Orders Creation of "Mt. Rushmore Containment Zone" Deploys National Guard, Requests Use of DNMB Thermal Scouring Helicopters
Thu Jun 12 05:41:24 +0000 2014
Sources Report "Bounding Terrors," "Impossibly Long Claws" Emerging from Rushmore
Thu Jun 12 05:40:34 +0000 2014
AP: Rushmore Blood, Tar "Has Begun to Coalesce"
Thu Jun 12 05:39:19 +0000 2014
Hissing, Chattering, Democratic National Committee Unfurl Wings, Take To Air In Torrent of Chitin, Pincers
Thu Jun 12 05:38:30 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB Rushmore workers seized by "terrible convulsions;" Putin claims responsibility
Thu Jun 12 05:34:35 +0000 2014
Doctors Without Borders: "No Uninfected Humans Remain" in Moscow, Kiev
Thu Jun 12 05:33:38 +0000 2014
DNMB Requests Any Citizens With Information on Hive To Whisper It to Prized Childhood Possession in Biblical Hebrew, Set It Afire
Thu Jun 12 05:31:39 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 There are artifacts of unspeakable, unknowable power beneath the Crimean peninsula. The Hive seeks them.
— @SorayaProtera
Thu Jun 12 05:29:51 +0000 2014
Obama Urges "Moderation" on Russia
Thu Jun 12 05:29:02 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin Has "Betrayed Earth" to "Terrible Hive," Recommends "Total War"
Thu Jun 12 05:28:03 +0000 2014
Pressed On Demands, Putin Announces "The Hive Reigns," Unhinges Jaw, Devours All Reporters in Attendance
Thu Jun 12 05:25:55 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
PUTIN DEMANDS DNMB VACATE MT. RUSHMORE, THREATENS "UNSPEAKABLE RITES"
Thu Jun 12 05:24:33 +0000 2014
DNMB: Blood, Tar Seeping from Mt. Rushmore Faces At Unprecedented Speed; "No Longer Inert," "Confirmed Contaminated"
Thu Jun 12 05:23:45 +0000 2014
Gizmodo, Ars Technica, Huffington Post, Wired Publish Identical Article: "Forsaken Bridge Nothing to Worry About"
Thu Jun 12 05:20:27 +0000 2014
DNMB Necromancers Announce Souls of Deceased Intel Executives "Have Been Located;" Dread Secretary Seals Off Mount Rushmore
Thu Jun 12 05:18:18 +0000 2014
Visibly Bleeding Intel Spokesman Reminds Public "Forsaken Bridge" Processor "Nothing To Worry About;" "This Isn't Even My Blood"
Thu Jun 12 05:16:59 +0000 2014
Obama Stages Urgent Press Conference, Stands Silently At Podium Amid Swarm of Blood-Red Ravens
Thu Jun 12 05:13:45 +0000 2014
GRAND INQUISITOR: Something "Profoundly Amiss;" Demands "Volunteers;" Promises They Will be "Remembered"
Thu Jun 12 05:13:01 +0000 2014
DOJ: Surviving Captured Intel Execs Have "Opened Mouths Wide," Begun "Buzzing Loudly"
Thu Jun 12 05:09:28 +0000 2014
GRAND INQUISITOR: Approved News 6 Staff Must "Stare Into the Orbs," "Whisper Names of Enemies" Until "The Rites Are Completed"
Thu Jun 12 05:06:40 +0000 2014
Grand Inquisitor Arrives by Secret Tunnels, Demands Server Logs, Votive Meats
Thu Jun 12 05:04:01 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals To Dispatch "Grand Inquisitor" To Approved News 6 Offices
Thu Jun 12 05:00:15 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: "SUPPLICIUM PURIFICAT ET ARDOR PUNIT"
Thu Jun 12 04:57:40 +0000 2014
Hooded Cleveland Cultists: "Like It Was That Hard To Guess, Do You Honestly Ever Blame Anyone Else for Anything Ever"
Thu Jun 12 04:53:17 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword React to Cleveland Cultists: "We Never Said Your Name"
Thu Jun 12 04:52:10 +0000 2014
Hooded Cultists Stage Sudden Cleveland Press Conference, Deny Responsibility For AN6 Hacking: "It Wasn't Us This Time, Honestly"
Thu Jun 12 04:51:31 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Report Lead on Approved News 6 hackers: "It Is Those Whom We Most Feared To Be Responsible"
Thu Jun 12 04:50:33 +0000 2014
WARNING: Memetic Phenomena Reported in 7.7% of Approved News 6 Readers. Linked To Illegitimate and Heretical Tweets. More as Story Develops
Thu Jun 12 04:49:14 +0000 2014
We believe our Twitter account may have been hacked. Please stand by for purification rituals.
Thu Jun 12 04:48:00 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
TWO HUNDRED AND ONE
Thu Jun 12 04:42:39 +0000 2014
URGENT: ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE
Thu Jun 12 04:40:17 +0000 2014
URGENT: ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE
Thu Jun 12 04:40:17 +0000 2014
Study: 7/10 American Schoolchildren Cannot Correctly Recite the Hymn of the Arch-Ghoul, Identify Proper Ungulates for Votive Sacrifice
Tue Jun 10 00:54:11 +0000 2014
Mandelbrot Set Accuses MIT Mathematicians of "Bias"
Mon Jun 09 19:27:02 +0000 2014
Frantic MIT Mathematicians: "Do Not Trust" Messages Appearing In Fractals, "They Are Clever Lies"
Mon Jun 09 19:17:03 +0000 2014
Regent Tormund Torquist: "Regrettably No Progress" In Solving Niece's Disappearance
Mon Jun 09 19:07:13 +0000 2014
CIA: "We Have Reason to Believe" Connection Exists Between Woman in Red Cloak and Oaken Crown and Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword
Mon Jun 09 18:57:05 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Witnesses report zeppelin landing in "Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon"
Mon Jun 09 18:55:14 +0000 2014
National Guard Kill Team Razes Mutant Zone Instead of Pursuing Zeppelin Due to "Wacky Mix-Up;" Operations Delayed
Mon Jun 09 18:47:12 +0000 2014
Obama Apologizes for "Oversight" In Ukraine Aid Package, Promises "Hooks," "Spikes"
Mon Jun 09 18:37:04 +0000 2014
Ukraine on American Military Aid: Fluids "Extremely Helpful," But Tubes "Kilometers Too Short" To Be Useful
Mon Jun 09 18:27:12 +0000 2014
Democrats Promise "Invasive" Parliamentary Procedures to Stall Trade Bill
Mon Jun 09 18:17:03 +0000 2014
DNMB: All Who Consumed Obelisk Ashes "Should Be Presumed Contaminated"
Mon Jun 09 17:07:15 +0000 2014
Reports of "Terrifying Visions" of "Blood-Soaked Planet," "Unending Crusade" From Obelisk Ash Snorters
Mon Jun 09 16:57:04 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Warns Obelisk Ashes "Must Not Be Consumed"
Mon Jun 09 16:47:06 +0000 2014
All Print Photos of Blood-Red Obelisk that Briefly Replaced President Obama Turn Suddenly to Ash; Photographers Vanish From Earthly Records
Mon Jun 09 16:37:07 +0000 2014
Congressional GOP: "Serious Conversation" Needed on Bloodline Curse "Classism," "Reverse Racism"
Mon Jun 09 15:37:04 +0000 2014
"Gee I Wonder Why:" Sarcastic Activists React to Bloodline Curse Study
Mon Jun 09 15:27:11 +0000 2014
Conservative Think-Tank: Affluent White Males "At Greatest Risk" of Falling Victim to Bloodline Curses
Mon Jun 09 15:17:07 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Sources Suggest Zeppelin Runes "Forsaken," Not Forbidden. We Regret the Error.
Mon Jun 09 04:37:12 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Oregon mutant border slum reports sighting of zeppelin "marked with forbidden runes;" Nation Guard to dispatch kill team
Mon Jun 09 04:36:34 +0000 2014
TODAY IN HISTORY: 8 Jun 1037: Ulikh Yoor, Long May Xe
REDACTED
, Ascends to Secretary General of Illuminati
Mon Jun 09 04:30:38 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
As Do All Approved News Sources, Approved News 6 Dedicates One Day Each Year To Report Nothing But Lies, To Honor the Lobster King
Mon Jun 09 04:11:19 +0000 2014
Hey, on a lighter note, follow @NewsNetwork6, it's full of brilliant, eldritch humor--I MEAN FACTS
— @SorayaProtera
Mon Jun 09 04:11:16 +0000 2014
Department of Interior Reminds Citizens Colorado Famine "Purely Hypothetical," "No Need" to Contact Family, Friends in the Area
Sun Jun 08 18:37:12 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Obama Announces Halvorsen's Victims "Are Not Dead," They Are "Something Else"
Sun Jun 08 18:27:14 +0000 2014
Poet Laureate's Forces in Full Retreat; Halvsorsen: "Today we have learned / Tomorrow we shall study / And soon, victory"
Sun Jun 08 18:17:03 +0000 2014
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Releases Annual List of Best Animals, Including "Big Things," "Terrible Things," & "Ancient Things"
Sun Jun 08 18:07:12 +0000 2014
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals: Limericks Should Bot Be Touched with Bare Hands
Sun Jun 08 17:57:13 +0000 2014
Pressed on Poet Laureate's Treachery, Obama Nods Somberly, Is Briefly Replaced By Blood-Red Obelisk
Sun Jun 08 17:47:09 +0000 2014
Citing "Risk of Contamination," Federal Government Asks Citizens To Turn In All Poetry To Nearest Police Station
Sun Jun 08 17:37:09 +0000 2014
After Long, Brutal Battle, National Guard, Capital Police Push Poet Laureate's Forces Back, Secure White House
Sun Jun 08 17:27:13 +0000 2014
Florida Man Accuses Basic Biological Reality of "Political Correctness"
Sun Jun 08 17:17:12 +0000 2014
Officials: Hundreds Dead in Poet Laureate Maxine Halvorsen's "Brutal," "Ruthless" Attack; Warn of Widespread Pun Poisoning
Sun Jun 08 17:07:07 +0000 2014
TREACHERY: U.S. POET LAUREATE LEADS FEROCIOUS ASSAULT ON WHITE HOUSE
Sun Jun 08 16:57:14 +0000 2014
"I Bid You Shriek Into The Blackened Pit Where You Will Know Damnation:" Domino's Announces New Pizza
Sun Jun 08 16:47:11 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Type of Poetry; Officials Decline to Prosecute: "The Crime is its Own Punishment"
Sun Jun 08 16:37:16 +0000 2014
U.S. To Supply Ukraine With Military Aid: Obama Promises Supplies of "Tubes," "Fluids"
Fri Jun 06 20:39:47 +0000 2014
Pressed on Vague Wording in Report, Department of Labor Reminds Reporters It Knows "Where Your Families Live"
Fri Jun 06 02:12:10 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 are they efficiently horrific? Or horrifically efficient?
— @ousire
Fri Jun 06 02:09:48 +0000 2014
STANDOFF: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Intercept Washington State Police in Attempt to Arrest Canadian Refugees
Fri Jun 06 00:07:02 +0000 2014
American Annual List Institute Releases Annual List of Annual Lists
Thu Jun 05 23:57:06 +0000 2014
Oracle Corporation Releases Annual List of Friends Who Will Soon Betray You
Thu Jun 05 23:47:02 +0000 2014
"Soon Death Shall Claim All Who Oppose Us:" American Tree-Punching League, Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce Alliance
Thu Jun 05 23:37:05 +0000 2014
MIT Entropy Researchers Blame Slow Decay of All Things on "Spiteful Demiurge"
Thu Jun 05 23:27:07 +0000 2014
GOP Savages DOL Report: Maine Forced Labor Zone "Frightening" At Best; "An Insult to Proud American Traditions of Degradation, Exploitation"
Thu Jun 05 23:17:03 +0000 2014
Dept. of Labor: Maine Forced Labor Zone Conditions "Efficient," "Horrifying"
Thu Jun 05 23:07:13 +0000 2014
Intel To Offshore Production to "Plane of Pulsating Flesh"
Thu Jun 05 23:01:13 +0000 2014
Critics: True Opposite of Justice "Injustice," Which DOJ "Already Handles"
Mon Jun 02 18:01:08 +0000 2014
"These Things Must Come In Twos:" Department of Justice Demands Creation of "Department of Evil"
Mon Jun 02 18:00:08 +0000 2014
Clinton: Bone Rune History "Between
Her
and Dark Powers that Lurk Within Old Forest," Contains "Secret Truths," "Warnings"
Sat May 31 20:40:51 +0000 2014
"What's She Hiding?" Republicans Call On Clinton to Release Bone Rune X-Ray History
Sat May 31 20:37:40 +0000 2014
Microsoft Announces OpenXPS To Continue Forsaken Rune Support, Promises "Backwards Compatibility," "Terrifying Visions"
Fri May 30 08:58:07 +0000 2014
Citizens Ridicule Adobe: "Not Like Anyone Ever Used" Forsaken Rune Support, "Massive Spacetime Security Hole"
Fri May 30 08:55:18 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 not like anyone ever used it. any text editor with decent othercode character support does a better job
— @SorayaProtera
Fri May 30 08:55:01 +0000 2014
Adobe Acrobat to Drop Forsaken Rune Support in Wake of Chicago Contamination Incident
Fri May 30 06:47:11 +0000 2014
Pundits Call On Obama to Return To Washington, Punish Interdepartmental Squabbling With "The Rack," Demand "Rending of Flesh"
Thu May 29 20:17:02 +0000 2014
Secretary of Interior Accuses DOE of "Religious Intolerance;" Warns of Maggot God's "Wriggling Wrath"
Thu May 29 20:07:06 +0000 2014
DOE Slams Secretary of Interior: Wyomingites "Worship the Maggot God," "Cannot Be Trusted"
Thu May 29 19:57:05 +0000 2014
DOE Spokesman on MIT Study: "THEY WERE WARNED"
Thu May 29 19:47:06 +0000 2014
MIT: Preliminary Surveys Indicate "Something" Exists in Ostensible Idaho Region; "Precise Answers Will Take Time"
Thu May 29 19:37:12 +0000 2014
Asked About Forthcoming MIT Study, Dept. of Energy Spokesman Grips Podium, Hisses "A Terrible Mistake" Through Clenched Teeth
Thu May 29 19:27:01 +0000 2014
Forced Labor Zone Director Delauncey Credits "Pain Consultants," "Terror Probes" With Success of New Conditioning Procedures
Thu May 29 19:17:11 +0000 2014
MIT Geography Department Announces Study to "Provide Answers" to Idaho Existence Debate
Thu May 29 19:07:09 +0000 2014
CANADA: Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Offer "Sanctuary" to Surviving Canadian Refugees Who Continue To Elude Washington State Police
Thu May 29 18:57:11 +0000 2014
EXCLUSIVE: Approved News 6 to Interview Maine Forced Labor Zone Director Kathryn Delauncey
Thu May 29 18:57:05 +0000 2014
U.S. Dept. of Interior Contradicts Dept. of Energy: Idaho "Does Too" Exist; "Why Would that be DOE Matter Anyway?"
Thu May 29 18:47:08 +0000 2014
Maine: Massive Productivity Gains Through "Experimental Conditioning Methods;" Recommend Adoption at All Forced Labor Zones
Thu May 29 18:37:08 +0000 2014
Maine Forced Labor Zone: Citizens Who Arrive Without Own Shock Collar To Be Placed In "The Holes," Officials Remind Citizens
Thu May 29 18:27:31 +0000 2014
Pressed on Bank Robberies, Texas Police Commissioner Recommends Citizens Explore "Sublime Relationship" Between Art, Transgression
Wed May 28 18:57:16 +0000 2014
Maine Humiliation Scientists Announce New, More Degrading Neck-Pillow
Wed May 28 18:47:11 +0000 2014
Texas Police Report Spate of Bank Robberies, Primary Suspects "Existential Ennui," "The Human Condition"
Wed May 28 18:37:06 +0000 2014
"Glory to the Spheres:" Citing Oklahoma Success, Oregon Group Announces Ballot Measure to Decriminalize Astral Torment Rituals
Wed May 28 18:27:10 +0000 2014
GOP Senate Oracle Cautions Dems: Trade Bill Filibuster Process Would Carry Terrible Price in Blood "Due to Current Phase of Moon"
Wed May 28 18:17:12 +0000 2014
All Who Heard Forbidden Lands' Ambassador’s Bone Flute Solo Report Powerful, Inexplicable Desire to Revisit Places of their Childhood
Wed May 28 18:07:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Trade deal collapses; Senate progressives threaten filibuster
Wed May 28 18:00:10 +0000 2014
U.S. Demands MIT Professors Face American Justice; Forbidden Lands Ambassador Responds With Melancholy Seven-Minute Bone Flute Solo
Wed May 28 17:57:04 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Guards Arrest Visiting MIT Professors for Conspiracy to Commit Thought-Crime
Wed May 28 17:47:05 +0000 2014
Pakistan Government Dismisses Yesterday's Nuclear Obliteration of Hyderabad as "Baseless Fearmongering;" Reaffirms Commitment to Peace
Wed May 28 17:37:12 +0000 2014
DRM Advocates Cite Recent Study Naming Wetware Piracy as Leading Cause of Contamination in U.S.
Wed May 28 17:27:12 +0000 2014
Anti-DRM Activists Demand Reintroduction of "DRM-Free Childbirth" Bill, Dismiss Fears of Wetware Piracy
Wed May 28 17:17:10 +0000 2014
Visibly Fidgeting Secretary of Energy Reveals Idaho to be Long-Running "Psychological Experiment;" "Never Actually Existed"
Wed May 28 17:07:08 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Men In Foil Suits sighted in Moscow
Wed May 28 17:04:02 +0000 2014
"Do With Him As You Will:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Deliver Director of I.C.B.M.'s Head to California Gov. on Pike
Wed May 28 05:37:02 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "Has Read Too Many Dictionaries," Will "Betray Earth" to "Terrible Hive"
Wed May 28 05:27:12 +0000 2014
Putin: Kerry Has "Legacy of Mold," Speaks Only "In Cursed Tongue of Salamanders"
Wed May 28 05:17:07 +0000 2014
Kerry on I.C.B.M Revelation: Putin "Mollified," "Has Poor Handwriting"
Wed May 28 05:07:10 +0000 2014
"We Were Fools:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Announce I.C.B.M. Nuke Plot "Hoax," "Distraction"
Wed May 28 04:57:05 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens' Inquisitors: I.C.B.M. Director "Will Not Last An Hour" In Face of "Our Finest Torments and Excruciations"
Wed May 28 04:47:09 +0000 2014
California Gov. Demands I.C.B.M Director Be Turned Over to U.S. Custody; Blood-Soaked Maidens Refuse, Will "Put Him to the Question"
Wed May 28 04:37:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Sister Vindicta of Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword announces I.C.B.M. director captured: "his foul sorcery availed him not"
Wed May 28 04:29:15 +0000 2014
"A Taste of the Coming Epoch:" I.C.B.M. Director Conducts Seven Terrible Rituals To Repel Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword
Wed May 28 04:27:11 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Arrive At, Besiege I.C.B.M. California Offices
Wed May 28 04:17:09 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin Has "Misshapen Spleen;" Is "Banana Fetishist"
Wed May 28 04:07:13 +0000 2014
Screaming, Putin Executes Seven American Tourists, Threatens "Streets Will Flow With American Blood"
Wed May 28 03:57:12 +0000 2014
Obama: I.C.B.M "Rogue Actor;" Will Be "Dealt With"; Dissuades Public From "Vigilantee Action"
Wed May 28 03:47:10 +0000 2014
Eccentric Billionaire Leader of I.C.B.M Promises "End" To "All That Is Holy," Slaughters All Press in Attendance
Wed May 28 03:37:13 +0000 2014
"VADE RETRO IN UMBRAS:" Blood-Soaked Maidens Promise "Swift and Terrible Victory" over "Servants of Yellow Defiler;" "Our Army Grows Daily"
Wed May 28 03:27:10 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword announce "crusade," will march on I.C.B.M. director's California offices
Wed May 28 03:19:14 +0000 2014
Pressed for Questions, I.C.B.M. Director Promises "Coming" of "Yellow Defiler;" Demands 7000 Barrels of Teeth from "Man and Beast Alike"
Wed May 28 03:17:02 +0000 2014
I.C.B.M: International Coalition for Betterment of Mankind Announces Intent to Nuke Russia, Pakistan
Wed May 28 03:07:11 +0000 2014
Florida Man: Men "Oppressed." Entire Earth Seized by Paroxysms of Laughter For 24 Hours; Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword: "STULTUS ES"
Wed May 28 02:57:08 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera Loyal Citizens! Do Not Fear! Your Approved News Source Will Return at Undisclosed Time, After Appropriate Secret Rituals!
Tue May 27 04:36:35 +0000 2014
@steamboatsilly WARNING: Speaking Our Name Aloud May Attract the Attention of Those Whose Attention is Better Left Unattracted
Sat May 24 05:29:31 +0000 2014
Obama: U.S. Has Lowest Damnation Rate of All Industrialized Nations; "Not Competitive Enough" In Soul Market
Sat May 24 04:39:45 +0000 2014
BONE CAVERN SUMMIT: Atop the Dread Spire, Face Obscured by Oaken Mask, Obama Announces Trade Deal To "Restore Confidence in Soul Futures"
Sat May 24 04:27:01 +0000 2014
Tyson Issues Statement from Flying Castle: Putin "Amusing;" Reminds Russia He "Could Have Conquered Earth" With His Robot Army "Years Ago"
Sat May 24 04:17:13 +0000 2014
Putin: Tyson "Should Stick To Physics," "Leave Politics To Politicians"
Sat May 24 04:07:03 +0000 2014
"FALSE ALARM:" Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson Reassures International Community Russia "Has No Means to Deactivate Sun"
Sat May 24 03:57:09 +0000 2014
Putin: Kerry Has "Poor Taste In Music," Is "Unnaturally Excited by Bear Traps"
Sat May 24 03:47:11 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "Screams Like Small Child;" "Fears Running Water"
Sat May 24 03:37:09 +0000 2014
"The Sun is a Very Hot Place:" Putin Responds to Kerry Statement
Sat May 24 03:27:05 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "Unlovable," "Smells of Hammers"
Sat May 24 03:17:09 +0000 2014
Putin Announces Russia Has Conquered Sun; Demands "All Nations of the World" Pay Him "Handsome Tribute" For Its Continued Operation
Sat May 24 03:07:07 +0000 2014
Ohio Warns Wild Police Swarms Sighted Southwest of Scorpion Zones; Citizens Should Avoid Area "Until Exterminators Have Sterilized
It
"
Sat May 24 01:27:12 +0000 2014
Miami Restructuring Zone to Re-Open as "Cube-musement Fun Park" in Early 2018, to be "Fun for the Whole Family"
Sat May 24 01:17:09 +0000 2014
Governor: Due to Low Extent of Secret Wisdom Deployment, Miami Will Once Again be Habitable as Early as 2015 "Barring Further Incursions"
Sat May 24 01:07:02 +0000 2014
Florida Secret Police Beings Collection of Festering Slime Samples
Sat May 24 00:57:06 +0000 2014
Governor: Fleshbeasts "Reduced to Festering Slime;" Normal Mercy Killing Activities to Resume Immediately
Sat May 24 00:47:08 +0000 2014
Asked for Comment, Manically Grinning Commissioner Answers Only "The Cubes Have Made A Terrible Mistake"
Sat May 24 00:37:04 +0000 2014
Secret Police: Slavering, "Pulsating" Florida State Police "Shredding Fleshbeasts Like Tissue Paper"
Sat May 24 00:27:12 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Florida State Police emerge from Miami crime warrens, subtly different from before
Sat May 24 00:24:14 +0000 2014
"Oh That's All Right Then:" Secret Analysts Assure Floridians Price of Forsaken Rune Use Would Be Only "Unspeakable"
Sat May 24 00:17:11 +0000 2014
"Oh Sorry, We Actually Meant To Say 'Forsaken Runes": Florida Secret Police Issue Clarification
Sat May 24 00:07:15 +0000 2014
Secret Analysts Warn Forbidden Rune Use Would Carry "Unthinkable Price"
Fri May 23 23:57:03 +0000 2014
Secret Police Report Unusually High Resistance to Secret Wisdom in Fleshbeasts, Mull Use of Forbidden Runes
Fri May 23 23:47:14 +0000 2014
Covered in Gore, Florida Police Retreat to Crime Warrens; Asked for Comment, Commissioner was Nowhere to be Found
Fri May 23 23:37:08 +0000 2014
Florida State Police Surround Wounded Fleshbeast, Begin Consuming It; Commissioner: "Its Secrets Will Soon Be Ours"
Fri May 23 21:57:12 +0000 2014
Secret Police Report State Police Have Engaged "Fleshbeasts" Without Authorization, Report "Slithering Tendrils," "Leaking Fluids"
Fri May 23 21:37:01 +0000 2014
DNMB Responds to Florida Secret Police: "
UNEARTHLY HOWLING
", Secret Polices Thank Federal Government for its Support
Fri May 23 21:27:05 +0000 2014
Secret Police Begins Airstrike; Florida Gov. Asks DNMB For Use of Thermal Scouring Helicopters
Fri May 23 21:17:01 +0000 2014
"Fleshbeasts" Emerge From Affected Zone, Described by Witnesses as "Unspeakable," "Biohazards;" Secret Police Warns of Contamination Risk
Fri May 23 21:07:14 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Miami evacuation begins
Fri May 23 21:01:13 +0000 2014
Secret Police Hijack All Audio Devices In Miami, Caution Airstrike Will Employ "Secret Wisdom;" Will "
REDACTED
" All In Vicinity
Fri May 23 20:57:04 +0000 2014
Florida Governor Orders Secret Police Airstrike on Restructured Area: "This Abomination Must Be Cleansed"
Fri May 23 20:47:11 +0000 2014
"The Guns Don't Even Scratch Them:" Surviving Mercy Kill Squad Members Emerge From Restructured Area Firing Madly, Report "Fleshbeasts"
Fri May 23 20:37:12 +0000 2014
Dread Cube Mercy Kill Squad: "No Apparent Fatalities;" Request Backup
Fri May 23 19:07:11 +0000 2014
Dread Cube Mercy Kill Squad Reports "Unusually High Level of Biomass;" "Terrible Writhing"
Fri May 23 18:57:03 +0000 2014
Florida Governor Dispatches Dread Cube Mercy Kill Squad to Euthanize those Unfortunate Enough to Survive Restructuring
Fri May 23 18:37:10 +0000 2014
DHHS: In Wake of Nationwide Bone Fugue, All Citizens Must Report for X-Rays to Document Any New Bone Runes, Alterations
Fri May 23 18:27:11 +0000 2014
"Pray for our Salvation:" Oracles To Attempt Translation of N.J. Gov. Davis Gubernatorial Runes
Fri May 23 18:17:13 +0000 2014
FLORIDA DREAD CUBE SITE: Terrible Keening Ceases; Police Confirm "They Have Departed;" "It Is Almost Over"
Fri May 23 18:07:08 +0000 2014
Nevada Sandlords Demand "Sevenfold Tribute" to "Fund The War Effort"
Thu May 22 21:57:03 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Cubism Is Heresy, and Punishable in Slow, Methodical Fashion
Thu May 22 17:21:00 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 perhaps the cubes know best
— @ousire
Thu May 22 17:19:57 +0000 2014
Cube Analysts: Dread Cubes Move "Further North Every Year;" Citizens Should "Avoid Panicking:" "They are Drawn to Your Fear"
Thu May 22 15:52:58 +0000 2014
Analysts: "We May Draw Small Comfort" In That Level 7 Dread Cube Event "Will Likely Kill Hundreds of Florida Men"
Thu May 22 06:17:15 +0000 2014
Miami: Candlelight Vigil Held to Pray for Swift, Relatively Painless Death for Dread Cube Victims
Thu May 22 06:07:12 +0000 2014
Putin: Kerry "Has Such A Lovely Family, Doesn't He;" Expresses "Sincere Hope" For Their Health and Safety
Thu May 22 05:57:15 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera
REMINDER:
Such Exercises Will Soon Be Mandatory
Thu May 22 05:30:31 +0000 2014
you know, it's kind of interesting going through @NewsNetwork6's tweets and imagining what it'd look like if it dark after any given tweet
— @SorayaProtera
Thu May 22 05:30:13 +0000 2014
EDITORIAL: We Meant To Do That, Honest
Thu May 22 05:17:03 +0000 2014
Asked U.S. Position on Putin Threat, Kerry Points Eastward, Makes Loud Buzzing Noises, Laughs Hysterically
Thu May 22 05:07:02 +0000 2014
Pressed on ICBM Launch, Putin Threatens "Subtle Gases," "Invasive Wires"
Thu May 22 04:57:42 +0000 2014
Experts Expect High Yield From I.C.B.M.
Thu May 22 03:47:15 +0000 2014
Eccentric Billionaire: I.C.B.M. Hoped to Have "Major Impact" On World Political Climate, "Show Them We Mean Business"
Thu May 22 03:37:17 +0000 2014
All Mysteriously Blank Historical Documents, Including AN6 Archive, Have Returned To Normal As Prophesied, Reports Dept. of Portents
Thu May 22 02:47:04 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Flaming skull motif that replaced all instances of U.S. Treasury logo has once again been replaced by original logo.
Thu May 22 02:41:54 +0000 2014
Illuminati Inner Council: "Wow, You Totally Got Us, Guys; We Just Can't Put Anything Past You Can We"
Thu May 22 00:49:09 +0000 2014
Associate Professor in Conspiracy Studies Ángela Portillo: "Most Likely A Ruse to Distract International Attention" From "Nefarious Schemes"
Thu May 22 00:48:14 +0000 2014
Conspiracy Theorists Deride Suppressed Illuminati Press Release as "Red Herring"
Thu May 22 00:47:03 +0000 2014
Obama: U.S. Has Won "Secret Victory" In "Secret Conflict;" Immediately Denies Ever Having Made Statement
Wed May 21 22:47:07 +0000 2014
"So Could a Future Version of Myself Marry a Clone of the Present Version of Myself?" Fox Raises Questions About "Clone Marriage" Loopholes
Wed May 21 22:37:11 +0000 2014
"Probably No Yellow Cake Left in the Country:" Eccentric Billionaire Discusses Magnitude of I.C.B.M. Launch Events
Wed May 21 22:27:13 +0000 2014
Illuminati Brutally Suppresses Own Press Release
Wed May 21 22:17:07 +0000 2014
Hissing and Spitting, Miami Police Encircle Dread Cube Zone, Staring Relentlessly Inwards
Wed May 21 22:07:08 +0000 2014
ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE: I.C.B.M. Launch to Target Russia, Pakistan
Wed May 21 21:57:15 +0000 2014
Eccentric Billionaire Announces "International Coalition for the Betterment of Mankind"
Wed May 21 21:47:23 +0000 2014
"It Has Begun:" Miami Onlookers Report "Towering Prisms" Emerging from Dread Cube Restructuring Zone, "Terrible Keening"
Wed May 21 21:37:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
House passes H.R. 5719 banning marriage of clones, future versions of oneself: "It's about basic morality," say supporters
Wed May 21 21:27:02 +0000 2014
FLORIDA: Dread Cubes Claim Heavily Populated Miami Suburb; Somber Governor: "There is Nothing We Can Do for Them Now"
Wed May 21 21:17:04 +0000 2014
D.C. Police: K Street "Has Been Purified;" Citizens May Once Again Enter "Once the Engines Have Cooled;" "Should Be On Lookout For Potholes"
Wed May 21 21:07:06 +0000 2014
"PUNIT DEA NOSTRA QUI HAERESIM DICUNT:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Respond to Republican Invective
Wed May 21 20:57:08 +0000 2014
"Even A Bunch Of Backwater Barbarians Can Do Better:" Citing Blood-Soaked Maidens, Republicans Savage Maine Forced Labor Zone Enforcement
Wed May 21 20:47:08 +0000 2014
DNMB Announces Plan to "Ramp Up Enforcement" of Blood Fraud Laws
Wed May 21 20:37:13 +0000 2014
Ashen Isles of Pain and Lament Report Sighting of Men in Foil Suits; Regent Tormund Torquist Promises "Brutal, Unyielding Response"
Wed May 21 20:27:06 +0000 2014
"You Think They Have Forgotten, But They Have Not:" Study Recommends "Penance" For Specific Individuals
Wed May 21 20:17:03 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Makes Rare Public Appearance "Swathed in Ashen Raiment" to Reassure Public
Wed May 21 20:07:13 +0000 2014
"Our God Is Just But She Is Not Merciful:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Announce Five New Mortifications for the Unproductive
Wed May 21 19:57:07 +0000 2014
Illinois Governor Resigns Amid Astral Mafia Scandal
Wed May 21 19:47:08 +0000 2014
CONTAMINATION STUDY: Pressed for Detail on "Emissions", MIT Researchers Flee Country
Wed May 21 19:37:01 +0000 2014
Providence, Aetna Drop All Mental Health Coverage, Recommend "Quiet Contemplation," "Inspiring Poetry"
Wed May 21 19:27:09 +0000 2014
MIT Study: Leading Causes of Contamination in U.S. "Forsaken Mountain Villages," "Wetware Piracy," & "Emissions"
Wed May 21 19:07:01 +0000 2014
Mesoamerican Deity/Nevada Sandlord Conflict Enters Third Tedious Day; Nevada Wastelands Likely To Be Uninhabitable "For Seven Eons"
Wed May 21 17:07:01 +0000 2014
DNMB Necromancers Unable to Contact Souls of Deceased Intel Execs: "Their Souls Are Not Where They Should Be"
Wed May 21 16:57:01 +0000 2014
Grand Jury Authorizes Necromancy Warrant in Intel Case; DOJ Brings In DNMB Necromancers to Oversee Rituals
Wed May 21 16:47:01 +0000 2014
NJ Gov. Davis Emerges From Ascension Rite Bone Fugue with Previously Undocumented Gubernatorial Runes Emblazoned Beneath Her Eyes
Wed May 21 16:37:01 +0000 2014
D.C. Cleanup: Citizens Should Avoid K Street "Until Further Notice;" DNMB: "It Is Contaminated"
Wed May 21 16:27:01 +0000 2014
Sources: Rhode Island Biomass Has "Mostly Ceased Wriggling;" Majority of Synapse Mounds Likely Destroyed
Wed May 21 16:17:01 +0000 2014
Dread Cubes "Clouding Horizon" In Miami: Governor Orders Citizens to Prepare for the "Level 7 Event"
Wed May 21 16:07:01 +0000 2014
Black Helicopters Begin Thermal Scouring of Rhode Island Blight Mounds
Wed May 21 01:57:00 +0000 2014
FLORIDA: Inventor of New, "Transgressive" Violence To Join State Police as Highly-Paid Consultant
Wed May 21 01:47:00 +0000 2014
Patriotic Citizens Express Fond Hopes Dread Cubes Might Thin Population of Florida Men
Wed May 21 01:43:52 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 damn, and i was hoping those dread cube sightings meant a few less fo these geniuses
— @SorayaProtera
Wed May 21 01:43:00 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Type of Violence, Described by Officials Only As "Transgressive"
Tue May 20 22:17:00 +0000 2014
Senate Parliamentarian, Presumed KIA, To Be Honored w/ Congressional Forsaken Medal For Extraordinary
REDACTED
Above, Beyond Call of Duty
Tue May 20 21:37:00 +0000 2014
NIH Reports Last Victim of Rhode Island Quarantine Zone Has "Mercifully Perished;" Recommends Thermal Scouring Procedures for Excess Biomass
Tue May 20 21:27:00 +0000 2014
CANADA CRISIS: Desperate Refugees, Armed with Cudgels of Bone and Cedar, Break Through Army Lines at Washington Border
Tue May 20 21:07:00 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Names Men in Foil Suits "Persons of Interest;" Recommends Citizens "Entice Them With Secret Meats" If Sighted
Tue May 20 20:57:00 +0000 2014
TERRIBLE LAUGHTER, LOCATION BROADCAST
UPDATE:
Contact Lost With Each Response Team as Appointed Hour Passes
Tue May 20 20:47:00 +0000 2014
"Next Question:" Pressed by Reporters, AMD Spokesperson Refuses to Acknowledge Existence of Competitor Intel's Forsaken Bridge Chip
Tue May 20 20:37:00 +0000 2014
"Next Question:" Pressed by Reporters, AMD Spokesperson Refuses to Acknowledge Existence of Competitor Intel's Forsaken Bridge Chip
Tue May 20 20:37:00 +0000 2014
FBI: "No Leads" On Sandoval Kidnappers
Tue May 20 20:28:16 +0000 2014
DNMB Halts Investigation into Paul, Lieberman Senate Bone Ritual; Assassinates Lead Investigators: "None Must Ever Know"
Tue May 20 20:17:00 +0000 2014
MIT Biologists: Chicken Bones "Illusion;" Chicken Innards "Hold A Terrible Secret"
Tue May 20 20:08:04 +0000 2014
Maine GOP Warns of "Weak Safeguards" Against "Degradation Point Fraud" in Forced Labor Zone; Recommends Ear-Tagging of Laborers
Tue May 20 20:07:00 +0000 2014
After Long Delays, Maine Forced Labor Zone Enforcement Begins; Critics Assail Botched Rollout
Tue May 20 19:57:00 +0000 2014
America's Most Loyal News Source Announces Its Comprehensive Guide to the Terrifying World Around You! http://t.co/4U5tKsUhjA
Tue May 20 19:27:04 +0000 2014
Report: Tens of Thousands of Hypothetical Colorado Citizens Killed by Famine; No Actual Citizens Killed
Tue May 20 16:07:59 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Press Release Responding to GOP Accusations: "VOS DUM CADET OBSCURITAS NON SALVABIMINI"
Tue May 20 07:15:35 +0000 2014
Republicans Reject Maidens' Endorsement, Label Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword "Traitors With Contempt for the Political Process"
Tue May 20 07:09:01 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Endorse Republican Position: "Never Must Heretics Be Suffered to Pollute This Earth"
Tue May 20 07:06:58 +0000 2014
Rep. Bachmann: All Heresy Should Be Punished "In The Olden Ways"
Tue May 20 06:51:53 +0000 2014
"Soft on Heresy:" Congressional Republicans Speaking Together In One Fell Voice Accuse Obama of "Appointing Weak Dread Secretary"
Tue May 20 06:50:54 +0000 2014
Pundits Hail "Kinder," "Gentler" DNMB
Tue May 20 06:49:51 +0000 2014
New DNMB Dread Secretary: Lesser Heretics To Be "Disemvowelled" if First-Time Offenders
Tue May 20 06:48:55 +0000 2014
NIS Announces New Degradation Parameters; Citizens May Now Demean Each Other Based on "Blood Quantity," "Skin Material," "ᚷᛖᛒᛟ," and "Hooks"
Tue May 20 05:30:51 +0000 2014
Engineered Plague Consuming Rhode Island Quarantine Zone Revealed as Viral Marketing Ploy; Business Leaders: "Inspired, Attention-Grabbing"
Tue May 20 05:27:59 +0000 2014
Domino's Denies Responsibility for Tucson Worm Tornado
Tue May 20 05:17:59 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
In light of recent events, the Dept. of Transportation Maritime Administration recommends "caution" in dealing with The Boats
Tue May 20 05:05:59 +0000 2014
RUSHMORE
UPDATE:
Dread Secretary Ascension Has Not Staunched Flow of Tar, Unearthly Blood; DNMB: "Darker Forces At Play"
Tue May 20 04:57:59 +0000 2014
DMMB: "Do Not Listen" to MIT Mathematicians; "They Wish Only to Deceive You"
Tue May 20 04:47:59 +0000 2014
MIT Mathematicians: Pythagorean Theorem "A Terrible Lie," Must Not Be Trusted: "Too Much is At Stake"
Tue May 20 04:37:59 +0000 2014
Florida Prosecutors: "No Charges" To Be Brought Against Florida Garbage-Inventor; "Others Have Already Claimed Him"
Tue May 20 04:27:59 +0000 2014
"Glorious Protectorate of Eastern Oregon" To Begin Daily Public Whippings of "Gluttons," "the Shiftless," Announce Maidens of Cold Sword
Tue May 20 04:17:59 +0000 2014
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Cryptic Press Release in Response to Dread Secretary Selection; Promise "Cleansing Fires"
Tue May 20 04:07:59 +0000 2014
Maine Releases Instructions for Collecting Complimentary Beatings: "Just Look At Police Officer"
Tue May 20 03:57:59 +0000 2014
Maine Apologizes for Delays in Forced Labor Zone Enforcement, Offers "Complimentary Beatings" to Affected Citizens
Tue May 20 03:47:59 +0000 2014
Sources Report 7-Foot Man in Stag Mask Once Again Seated Upon the Quivering Throne in DNMB Offices
Tue May 20 03:38:15 +0000 2014
FBI Begins Investigation of Woman in Red Cloak and Oaken Crown, Reports Getaway Zeppelin "Shielded from Satellites" by Forsaken Runes
Tue May 20 03:27:59 +0000 2014
Obama: "The Nightmare Has Passed;" Orders DNMB to Begin D.C. Cleanup
Tue May 20 03:17:59 +0000 2014
Loyal Citizens Nationwide Express Correct Adoration of Approved News Source
Tue May 20 03:08:31 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 u r genius and I love you
— @WalkingDumpster
Tue May 20 03:08:07 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Vast majority of Americans report awakening from bone fugue unaltered, indicating Old Forest has accepted new Dread Secretary
Tue May 20 03:01:40 +0000 2014
"We Failed:" Forbidden Lands Longships Return Empty, Worn; Single Survivor Unnaturally Pale and Aged Beyond His Years, Speaking Only Quechua
Tue May 20 01:14:58 +0000 2014
Sandlords "Confident of Swift Victory," Reports Whirling Mile-Long Cloud of Ash and Fire
Mon May 19 22:37:59 +0000 2014
Asked to Comment on Nevada Campaign, Quetzalcoatl Responds "
RAIN OF SNAKES
"
Mon May 19 22:27:59 +0000 2014
White House Refuses to Reveal Source of Sacrificial Cattle for DNMB Dread Secretary Bone Ritual
Mon May 19 22:27:58 +0000 2014
BATTLE ROYALE: Nevada Wastelands Evacuated as Mesoamerican Deities Launch Assault on Nevada Sandlords
Mon May 19 22:17:59 +0000 2014
Playing Bone Flutes, DNMB Officials Lay Down Arms, Desert Offices, Begin March Towards Old Forest
Mon May 19 22:07:58 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Type of Garbage
Mon May 19 21:57:58 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY: Miami Officials Warn of Dread Cube Sighting; Citizens Should "Hum the Hymns of the Sightless Worms" at All Times
Mon May 19 21:47:58 +0000 2014
As Dread Secretary Ascendency Begins, Police Nationwide Stand Utterly Silent, Turn to Stare in Direction of Old Forest
Mon May 19 21:37:58 +0000 2014
"It Is The Only Way:" Obama Asks All Citizens of O-Type Blood to "Congregate Around The Standing Stones"
Mon May 19 21:27:58 +0000 2014
SANDOVAL EXECUTION
UPDATE:
Citizens Express Relief at Heretical Intervention; Raise Questions of Framer Intent in Pact of the Old Forest
Mon May 19 21:24:59 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 good. this execution wasn't what the founding fathers envisioned when they signed their dread pact with the old forest.
— @SorayaProtera
Mon May 19 21:23:59 +0000 2014
Amid D.C. Chaos, Sources Report Dread Secretary Nominee Has "Entered the Old Forest"
Mon May 19 21:19:51 +0000 2014
Pressed for Detail on Montana Train Derailments, Pacific Union Blames "Malicious Ovals"
Mon May 19 17:53:46 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera
REMINDER:
Necromantic Communication with Founding Fathers Requires a Class-♎ Necromancy License, Except on Federal Holidays
Mon May 19 05:38:33 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Citizens call for dashing Woman in Red Cloak and Oaken Crown to run for President. GOP: "Heresy," Dems: "
HIGH-PITCHED RATTLE
"
Mon May 19 05:09:02 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 Red cloak for president 2016 #Redcloak #Oakencrown #2016
— @ousire
Mon May 19 03:59:16 +0000 2014
Men In Foil Suits Sighted in Forbidden Lands, Though Any Who Drew Too Close Could No Longer See Them
Mon May 19 01:14:18 +0000 2014
(cont'd) Based on recent reports, cloak's true color appears to be "blood red," flecked with "despair blue". We regret the error.
Mon May 19 00:50:20 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: Earlier reports claimed Woman in Oaken Crown wore "amber cloak;" cloak was in fact discolored due to presence of Dread Secretary
Mon May 19 00:48:48 +0000 2014
In Emergency Session, Senate Votes To Confirm New Dread Secretary; His Name To Be Struck from All Records in Accordance with Ancient Law
Mon May 19 00:47:18 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Senate building scorched and stained, but clean of Contamination; no sign of Parliamentarian, Sens. Paul, Lieberman
Mon May 19 00:43:18 +0000 2014
SENATE CONTAMINATION: Piercing Shriek from Senate Shatters All Glass in D.C; Terrible Burning Light Shines Forth from All Windows
Mon May 19 00:37:18 +0000 2014
"Not The Time For Partisan Bickering:" Democrats Call on Republicans to Remove Block on Obama's Dread Secretary Nominee
Mon May 19 00:27:18 +0000 2014
Sources: Leaderless DNMB Officials Have "Taken Up Arms of Stone And Sinew," Their Eyes "Aglow with Fire of Long-Dead Stars"
Mon May 19 00:17:18 +0000 2014
Senate Parliamentarian to Senators: "Go Now, and I Will Cleanse the Contamination;" Enters Senate Alone in Laurel Crown, Gavel in Hand
Mon May 19 00:12:32 +0000 2014
CLOAKROOM CLAMOR: As Paul, Lieberman Ritual Continues, GOP Side of Senate Coated in Blood, Viscera; Democratic Protective Runes Failing
Mon May 19 00:07:18 +0000 2014
DNMB CRISIS: Circles of Standing Stones Countrywide "Have Begun to Shudder, Sink" Report Terrified Witnesses
Sun May 18 23:57:18 +0000 2014
Obama: "The Fell Machinery Must Be Sated;" Calls Upon Senate to Approve New Dread Secretary "Ere All Falls Silent"
Sun May 18 23:40:33 +0000 2014
"Our Task is Done:" Mysterious Soldiers, Woman in Red Cloak and Oaken Crown Retreat, Flee Capital in Zeppelin
Sun May 18 23:13:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
D.C. city council announces capital police "have entered the blood rage," should not be approached or spoken of in loud voices
Sun May 18 23:10:00 +0000 2014
DNMB "In Chaos." Obama Suspends Bone Cavern Summit, Returns to D.C. Borne Aloft by Shrieking Ravens
Sun May 18 23:07:18 +0000 2014
In Dread Secretary's Absence, Bone Beasts, Forsaken Souls Slip Their Chains and Run Amok on National Mall; Police Chief: "
SAVAGE BELLOW
"
Sun May 18 23:05:43 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: DNMB Source States Dagger Inscribed With Forbidden, not Forsaken, Runes. We Regret the Error.
Sun May 18 22:57:18 +0000 2014
MURDER WEAPON IDENTIFIED: Dead Secretary Killed by Twice-Blessed, Thrice-Cursed Dagger of Iron and Bone, Inscribed with Forsaken Runes
Sun May 18 22:47:18 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DREAD SECRETARY REPORTED SLAIN AT HANDS OF MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
Sun May 18 22:42:18 +0000 2014
SOURCES: Masked Woman with "Olive Skin and Eyes of Steel" Wrests Ian Sandoval from Clutches of Dread Secretary
Sun May 18 22:37:17 +0000 2014
SCANDAL! Masked Woman In Amber Cloak and Oaken Crown Besieges Sandoval Execution! Mysterious Soldiers Slaughter Howling Capital Police!
Sun May 18 22:33:17 +0000 2014
Old Forest Ceases Thunderous Tremors; Obama Confirms "The Deed Is Done," Wipes Away a Single Tear
Sun May 18 22:27:17 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Dozens of silent, masked soldiers in blackened steel armor amassing outside D.C. frying chamber; Dept. of Portents "Mystified"
Sun May 18 22:19:17 +0000 2014
Purity Rituals Expected to Last Full Seven Hours, Announces Dread Secretary of DNMB, "Due to Bone Heresy"
Sun May 18 21:47:17 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Sandoval brought to frying chamber; 7-foot figure in stag mask commands purity rituals to begin
Sun May 18 21:40:25 +0000 2014
Wired: New "Forsaken Bridge" Devices "Very Fast," Have "Excellent Battery Life," Are "Nothing to Worry About"
Sun May 18 21:37:17 +0000 2014
Forbidden Displays of Affection "Remain Heresy," DEA Spokesperson Reminds Americans
Sun May 18 21:27:17 +0000 2014
DEA Releases Annual List of Permitted Displays of Affection; Includes "Wistful Gazes", "Interpretive Dance", "Wires", & "الكلمات الممنوعة"
Sun May 18 21:17:17 +0000 2014
"It Will Not Know of Your Nightmares:" Samsung Announces First "Thought Phone," to be Powered by New Intel "Forsaken Bridge" Chip
Sun May 18 21:07:17 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB, GOP bone sage rite survivors being airlifted to bone caverns
Sun May 18 20:59:17 +0000 2014
Old Forest Monitoring Drones "Have Gone Silent," Reports DNMB. Obama: "Little Time Remains, We Must Act Now"
Sun May 18 20:57:17 +0000 2014
Worldwide Broadcast of Seven Locations, Times on Same Frequencies as Last Week's Terrible Laughter; World Leaders Dispatch Troops, Seers
Sun May 18 20:47:17 +0000 2014
"Praying for Her Swift and Safe Return:" Kerry Visits Torquist Family, Offers U.S. "Support," "Ancient Wisdom" In "Trying Times"
Sun May 18 20:37:17 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera (cont'd) Or, In Event of Currency Outage, Seven Dried Yak Teeth
Sun May 18 20:28:20 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera It is Recommended to Consult DNMB Pamphlet "Contamination: Signs and Portents," Available at Your Local Post Office for 15¢
Sun May 18 20:27:55 +0000 2014
ASHEN ISLES: Uncle of Empress, Grand Vizier Tormund Torquist, Seizes Power "Until Niece Can Resume her Glorious Reign"
Sun May 18 20:27:17 +0000 2014
@SorayaProtera The Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals. Be Advised: Acronym Attrition May Be Sign of Contamination
Sun May 18 20:22:05 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Questioning Approved News Sources is a Heresy, And Must Be Reported
Sun May 18 20:19:18 +0000 2014
Constitutional Lawyers: Mass Shoot-on-Sight Orders "Outside Purvey" of Transportation Dept.; Must be Issued by DNMB
Sun May 18 19:37:17 +0000 2014
CLOAKROOM CLAMOR: Speaking In One Voice, Sens. Paul, Lieberman Demand "Bones of a Thousand Vermin," "Blood of Four Heroes, Seven Betrayers"
Sun May 18 19:27:17 +0000 2014
"They Hide Their True Form:" Dept. of Transportation Declares Any Claiming to be Southwest Idaho "Refugees" Must be Shot On Sight
Sun May 18 19:17:18 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
Sandoval Execution Scheduled, To Be Broadcast Live on Television, Secret Brain Implants, reports Department of Corrections
Sun May 18 19:07:18 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
America's most beloved, loyal news source now offers chronological archive, for secret purposes! http://t.co/b4tF3TEbZQ
Sun May 18 19:00:17 +0000 2014
Portland, OR Transport Authority Cautions Light Rail Infrared Line "Not Meant for You," Warns of Secret Fate for Unwary Travellers
Sun May 18 18:57:17 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Sens. Paul, Lieberman barricade selves in GOP cloakroom; sources report ominous chanting, seeping shadows
Sun May 18 18:57:17 +0000 2014
Obama Orders Bone Sage Rite Survivors Be Brought to Bone Cavern Summit "To Repair What Little Can Yet be Repaired"
Sun May 18 17:17:17 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Empress Vivian Torquist II of the Ashen Isles of Pain & Lament Found Missing, Report Secret Police; Foul Play Suspected
Sun May 18 15:27:17 +0000 2014
BONE SAGE RITE: Surviving Senators, Administrators Stagger from Storm-Wracked Forest, Beg for Absolution: "We Made A Terrible Mistake"
Sun May 18 15:07:17 +0000 2014
White House Press Secretary: "The Bronze Doorknob Affair Did Not Happen and is Never to be Spoken of Again."
Sun May 18 07:17:16 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
DNMB admins, GOP senators have begun the 7th Rite of the Bone Sages; more once world's causal link with Old Forest reestablished
Sun May 18 07:00:55 +0000 2014
Asked to Outline "Obama Doctrine," President Answers Only "Injections"
Sun May 18 03:17:16 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
"In light of past service," Obama intercedes in Sandoval case, commutes sentence to slow frying; Sandoval seen crying in relief
Sun May 18 02:59:06 +0000 2014
FRANCEGATE: Conclave of Seven Recites Sandoval Fate; Ex-Secretary Seen Weeping Before Being Dragged From Bone Chambers by Slavering Police
Sun May 18 02:57:16 +0000 2014
Ex-Secretary of Eternity Ian Sandoval to be Placed in Small, Dark Box Until DNMB "Conclave of Seven" Decides his Secret Fate
Sun May 18 01:47:16 +0000 2014
House Progressives Say Oregon Police Kerfuffle "Shows Importance of Cheap Hog Blood"
Sun May 18 01:37:16 +0000 2014
"Stoke the Fires and Let Our Great Work Begin:" Bload-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Announce Recruitment Drive, Public Heretic Burnings
Sun May 18 01:27:16 +0000 2014
Study: 4% of College Students Admit to Vampirism As Long As Word "Vampire" Not Used in Survey
Sun May 18 01:17:16 +0000 2014
House Dems: Prosecution of Bone Heresies Should Be "Taken Over by DOJ;" DNMB "Not Equipped for Law Enforcement"
Sun May 18 01:07:16 +0000 2014
U. of Oregon Department of Disco Zoology Revealed to be Long-Running Prank, "Not A Money Laundering Operation At All" Say Professors
Sun May 18 00:57:16 +0000 2014
U.S. Department of Portents Declares Blue "Color of Eternal Despair"
Sun May 18 00:47:16 +0000 2014
Oregon Officials Recommend Citizens Should "Avoid Eye Contact" With Police, "Try Not To Think About Crime"
Sun May 18 00:37:16 +0000 2014
Agitated, Wriggling Oregon State Police Slaughter Hundreds, Demand "Fresh Hog Fluids," "Burrowing Grounds"
Sun May 18 00:27:16 +0000 2014
'"Variable Intensity, Customizable Shock Patterns:" Maine Forced Labor Zone Releases Shock Collar Requirements, Brand Recommendations
Sun May 18 00:17:16 +0000 2014
White House: Named Citizens Must Report to Bone Caverns by End of Fortnight, "Will Be Remembered"
Sun May 18 00:07:16 +0000 2014
Shareholders Laud New Domino's Pizza Business Plan of "Degradation," "Worm Tornadoes"
Sat May 17 23:57:16 +0000 2014
"It Had To Be Done:" Secretary of Eternity Arrested for Bone Heresies After Hundreds Die in Covert France Time-Synchronization Ritual
Sat May 17 23:47:16 +0000 2014
France Re-Enters Normal Flow of Time, François Hollande Once Again President; Illuminati Lifts Quarantine
Sat May 17 23:37:16 +0000 2014
Obama Releases Names of 67 Citizens "Chosen for Great and Terrible Honor"
Sat May 17 23:27:15 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
All citizens MUST report any bone heresies witnessed to your county's circle of standing stones within NO MORE than seven hours.
Sat May 17 23:17:15 +0000 2014
American Medical Association Annual Body Part Ranking: Tentacles "Underrated"
Sat May 17 23:07:15 +0000 2014
FLORIDA: After Brutal Interrogation, Judge Orders Framp-Inventor to Recite the Seven Names of the Fallen; Sentence Labeled Cruel and Unusual
Sat May 17 22:57:15 +0000 2014
Questioned on Ongoing Rushmore Incident, White House Press Staff Laugh Nervously, Blame "Tricky Witches"
Sat May 17 22:47:15 +0000 2014
Study: Bone Hexes, Iron Spikes "Very Important to Happy, Lasting Marriages"
Sat May 17 22:37:15 +0000 2014
MIT Biologists Announce Mt. Rushmore Blood "Matches No Known Terrestrial or Extraterrestrial Species," "Mercifully Uncontaminated"
Sat May 17 22:27:15 +0000 2014
Putin Threatens to Unleash "Crawling Terrors" on US Soil. Kerry: United States "Will Not Negotiate" With "Incomprehensible Man Made of Bees"
Sat May 17 22:17:15 +0000 2014
In Wake of #Buddhagate Disappearances, Angered Illuminati Inner Council Reports Recursive Weed "No Longer Functions," "Smells of Lies"
Sat May 17 22:07:15 +0000 2014
BONE CAVERN SUMMIT: Obama Orders Staffers to Smear White House Gates With "Fly Paste" to "Nourish the Shadow Dancers," "Bring Luck"
Sat May 17 21:57:15 +0000 2014
U.S. Census Bureau: Nevada 95% "Sand," 4.9% "Porn and Filth," 0.1% "
REDACTED
"
Sat May 17 21:47:15 +0000 2014
Labor Leaders Seize on #Buddhagate to Assail Bone Cavern Summit
Sat May 17 21:37:15 +0000 2014
"At the Appointed Hour She Shall Speak the Seven Terrible Truths:" N.J. Oracles Release Further Details of Governor-Elect's Qualifications
Sat May 17 21:27:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
N.J. oracles announces Governor-Elect WENDY DAVIS will drink blood of damned, ascend the dark throne in coronation ceremony Monday
Sat May 17 21:19:00 +0000 2014
Kerry: Putin "Incomprehensible," "Made of Bees;" Promises "Seven Great Dooms" and "Four Lesser Torments"
Sat May 17 21:17:15 +0000 2014
Compelled to Swear Blood Oath of Truth, Captured Intel Execs Cut Out Own Tongues, Laugh Hysterically from Bleeding Mouths
Sat May 17 21:07:15 +0000 2014
Illuminati Offers Choice of "Life," "Freedom," or "Gills" as Reward for Any Information On Shadowy Plumber Cabal
Sat May 17 20:57:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Blood and tar seeping from suddenly sneering Mt. Rushmore faces
Sat May 17 20:48:44 +0000 2014
Providence, Aetna Recommend "Quiet Submission," "Suffering Without End" for Chronic Pain Sufferers
Sat May 17 20:47:15 +0000 2014
Clad in Boar-skin Raiment, Obama Emerges from Bone Caverns To Decry Walmart for "Cowardice," Urges "National Unity Against Heresy"
Sat May 17 20:37:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
All religious icons worldwide reportedly "cowering;" no depictions of Ganesha, Izanagi, or Apocatequil remain on Earth #Buddhagate
Sat May 17 20:30:16 +0000 2014
Sneering, Nevada Sandlords Dare Ravenous Mesoamerican Deities to "Snack On Someone Your Own Size"
Sat May 17 20:27:15 +0000 2014
ICANN Recommends Hurrying Transition to "As Yet Uncontaminated" IPv6, "Forsaking" IPv4, Determined to be "Beyond Salvation"
Sat May 17 20:17:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Terrible laughter heard worldwide on seven radio frequencies simultaneously
Sat May 17 20:12:51 +0000 2014
NJ Oracles Coyly Hint at Identity of New Governor: "Blood of Ruinous Power Flows Within Her Veins"
Sat May 17 20:07:15 +0000 2014
Sympathetic Magic "Should Not Be Used For Sexual Purposes" Warns American Sacrificial Association; "Risk to Inner Harmony, Flesh Purity"
Sat May 17 19:57:15 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Organizes Chanting Vigils for Safety of Longboat Fleet; "Cleanse the Ritual Bowls with Tears of Supplication"
Sat May 17 19:47:15 +0000 2014
Shadowy Cabal of Plumbers Recommends "Investigating Toilet Alternatives:" "You Might be Glad You Did"
Sat May 17 19:37:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Washington state announces US dollar "fully functioning" statewide; estimates only blood of 12% of population spent in rituals
Sat May 17 19:29:15 +0000 2014
"Everything MUST Go:" Walmart Announces Nationwide Fire Sale on "Things That Come In Twos"
Sat May 17 19:27:15 +0000 2014
House Leadership Accuses Obama of "Politicizing Ancient Bone Rites"
Sat May 17 19:17:15 +0000 2014
OPINION:
PPP Poll of
REDACTED
-Age Americans Shows 77% Confidence "Trees Will Speak Wisely" In Upcoming Bone Sage Rite
Sat May 17 19:07:15 +0000 2014
"Great Shrieking" Heard from Bone Caverns; Obama Warns GOP "Rites of Bone Sages are Not For You; Not For Any Among Us"
Sat May 17 18:57:15 +0000 2014
GOP Invokes 7th Bone Sage Rite: DNMB Admins Must Meet, Shirtless & Adorned in Proper Oils, in the Old Forest at Midnight to Determine Truth
Sat May 17 18:47:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Residents of Tigard, OR begin sobbing uncontrollably, cite "the spiders"
Sat May 17 18:40:55 +0000 2014
"Unknown Unknowns and Unknowable Unknowns:" New Rumsfeld Book Blames Epistemic Impossibility, Forbidden Ideas for Iraq Intelligence Failures
Sat May 17 18:37:15 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
U.S. Dept. of Astral Affairs Identifies AMA Glyphs as Forsaken Runes, Cautions Against Staring for Extended Periods of Time
Sat May 17 18:27:15 +0000 2014
American Medical Association Annual Body Part Ranking On Hair: "
INDECIPHERABLE GLYPHS
"
Sat May 17 18:17:15 +0000 2014
DNC Announces 2016 Party Platform: "
PANICKED ULULATIONS
," "[VIOLENT SCRABBLING]"
Sat May 17 18:07:15 +0000 2014
PUTIN: Kerry "Heterophobic Eel Magician;" "Bad At Vowels;" Kremlin Threatens to Sever Diplomatic Ties
Sat May 17 17:57:15 +0000 2014
Dept. of Labor: Maine Forced Labor Zone Enforcement to Begin Monday; Denizens Must Bring Own Shock Collars
Sat May 17 17:47:15 +0000 2014
DIPLOMATIC DISASTER: U.S./Russia Snit Escalates; Kerry Labels Putin "Awful Space-Garbage Person," "Man Without Nostrils"
Sat May 17 17:37:15 +0000 2014
"The Snipers Are There for Your Own Protection:" McDonald's Dismisses Privacy Concerns
Sat May 17 17:10:41 +0000 2014
Grand Jury Authorizes Prosecution in "Forsaken Bridge" Intel Bone Heresy Case to Compel Blood Oath; No Decision Yet on Necromancy Warrant
Sat May 17 16:57:15 +0000 2014
Ears "Highly Recommended:" American Medical Association Releases Annual Ranking of Body Parts
Sat May 17 16:47:15 +0000 2014
U.S. Dept. of Eternity Recommends Citizens "Don't Let The French Catch On;" "Important To Preserve Causality Status Quo"
Sat May 17 16:37:15 +0000 2014
"These Things Tend to Work Themselves Out:" Unconcerned Obama Issues Statement on France Temporal Crisis
Sat May 17 16:27:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Analysts announce France "stuck in 2008"; Illuminati orders quarantine to protect timeline
Sat May 17 16:20:47 +0000 2014
Secret Analysts Express "Optimism" N.J. Governor-Elect Will "Bring Blood and Thunder Against the Thirsting Gods"
Sat May 17 16:07:15 +0000 2014
New N.J. Governor's Name to be Revealed "At the Auspicious Moment;" Planning for Rite of Ascendancy to Begin Immediately
Sat May 17 15:57:15 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
New Jersey bone oracles announce selection of new governor "in accordance with ancient tradition"
Sat May 17 15:49:27 +0000 2014
"Bringing Law Enforcement to the 21st Century:" Florida State Police Announce Plan to Live-Tweet Interrogation, Torture of "Framp"-Inventor
Sat May 17 15:47:15 +0000 2014
Critical Vulnerabilities Discovered Cryptocurrencies Voidcoin, Abysscoin; Experts Warn of "Astral Entropy Pollution"
Sat May 17 00:37:14 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Visibly fidgeting state police deny existence of Southwest Idaho, urge motorists to "avoid fictional routes"
Sat May 17 00:15:51 +0000 2014
Intel Announces New Microprocessor To Be Named "Forsaken Bridge"
Fri May 16 23:37:13 +0000 2014
Obama Administration Announces Creation of New Forced Labor Fun Zone in Maine Wastelands; Citizens in Region Must "Report for Microchipping"
Fri May 16 23:27:13 +0000 2014
PANAMA: Bone Sorcerers, Flying Skeletal Shadows Report Blood Canal Biomass "At Critical Levels," Recommend "Thermal Scouring"
Fri May 16 23:07:14 +0000 2014
New Jersey Ōllamaliztli Teams Eaten by Displeased Mesoamerican Deities after Poor Showing; Gov. Christie Abdicates Onyx Throne
Fri May 16 21:07:22 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Chicago, Minneapolis mull ban on forsaken power sources; "a matter of public flesh purity," say sources
Fri May 16 21:01:30 +0000 2014
Obama Urges "Moderation" Over Legalized Astral Torment Rituals: "There's Such a Thing as Moving Too Fast"
Fri May 16 19:37:13 +0000 2014
Republicans Accuse Democrats of Being "Soft on Bone Heresy"
Fri May 16 19:27:13 +0000 2014
"Something About 'Boats':" Witnesses Try To Remember Details of Unthinkable NYC Proclamations
Fri May 16 19:17:13 +0000 2014
New @OnlyAtRalphs Facility To Open in Wichita Time Warp Catacombs, Creating Unknowable Number of New Jobs; Residents Thrilled, Terrified #ff
Fri May 16 19:05:14 +0000 2014
Secretary Treasury Confirms Radiation Emission Within "Expected Norms" of Flaming Skull Motif Behavior
Fri May 16 18:27:13 +0000 2014
Flaming Skull Motif That Has Replaced All Instances of U.S. Treasury Logo Begins Emitting Low Doses of Ionizing Radiation
Fri May 16 18:17:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Church groups condemn Oklahoma's legalization of astral torment rituals
Fri May 16 18:10:49 +0000 2014
Dept. of the Interior: Colorado Famine Remains "Purely Hypothetical"
Fri May 16 18:08:13 +0000 2014
Washington State Reports Progress in Currency Outage; "Service Restored to all Major Population Centers;" Blood Rituals Continue
Fri May 16 18:07:13 +0000 2014
In Aftermath of Botched Oregon Decontamination, Democrats Demand "Greater Oversight" of Dept. of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals
Fri May 16 17:57:13 +0000 2014
DNMB Confirms Western Oregon Free of Contamination, Cancels Procedures, Apologizes for "Secret Fate" Inflicted on Innocent Victims
Fri May 16 17:47:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword present evidence Western Oregon free of Contamination; DNMB temporarily suspends Procedure 7
Fri May 16 17:39:13 +0000 2014
"FEAR NOT:" Bload-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword Resist Decontamination Procedures; Charged with Aiding, Abetting Bone Heresy
Fri May 16 17:37:13 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Forbidden Runes and Forsaken Runes are unrelated; confusing the two may cause Contamination
Fri May 16 17:33:25 +0000 2014
DOJ Grand Inquisitor Announces Capture of 3 Intel Executives, Cyanide-Capsule Suicide of 2 Others; Asks Grand Jury for Necromancy Warrant
Fri May 16 17:27:13 +0000 2014
"Seen, Not Heard:" Concerned Parents Promote Surgical Voice Removal for Children with Troublesome Opinions
Fri May 16 17:20:13 +0000 2014
"Heed Not The Heretics, But Glory In Light Of Righteousness": Blood-Soaked Maidens Repudiate Cultists' Charges; Announce Goat Tax Increase
Fri May 16 17:17:13 +0000 2014
Illuminati Halfheartedly Denies Own Existence
Fri May 16 17:07:13 +0000 2014
OHIO: Scientist's Madness Revealed To Be Publicity Stunt
Fri May 16 16:57:13 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals orders Decontamination of three Western Oregon cities
Fri May 16 16:55:33 +0000 2014
Forbidden Lands Launch Longboat Fleet in Melancholy Ceremony of 1,000 Torches in Dead of Night, Citizens Throw Red Flowers at Somber Rowers
Fri May 16 16:47:13 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Having Trouble Remember Which Generically-Named Astral Horror is Which? Use Our Handy "Horrorpedia!" Guaranteed Uncontaminated.
Fri May 16 16:42:07 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Hooded cultists stage Cleveland press conference, accuse Blood-Soaked Maidens of Cold Sword of "serving the Sapphire Desecrator"
Fri May 16 16:38:13 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
French Secretary of State Reportedly "Dismayed" over Cosmic Ray Incident
Fri May 16 16:37:13 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
French Secretary of State Reportedly "Dismayed" over Cosmic Ray Incident
Fri May 16 16:37:13 +0000 2014
Asked at Press Conference why he Appeared Years Younger than Yesterday, Obama Smiles Sadly, Laughs Sympathetically, Shakes Head
Fri May 16 16:27:13 +0000 2014
FLORIDA STATE POLICE PRESS CONFERENCE: All Attending Reporters Arrested For "Heresy"; Fed to Larval-Stage Constables as "Nourishment"
Fri May 16 16:17:13 +0000 2014
MIAMI: State Police Reveal New Recently-Discovered Florida Crime to be Named "Framp," Classified "Ultracrime." Details Remain Forbidden
Fri May 16 16:07:13 +0000 2014
Florida State Police Department Announces Emergency Press Conference in Miami Crime Warrens at Unspecified Time; Attendance Mandatory
Fri May 16 15:48:37 +0000 2014
Greeted by Flock of Blood-Red Ravens, Obama Emerges From Bone Caverns After First Day of Summit; Reports "Progress," "Portents"
Fri May 16 06:20:06 +0000 2014
Frustrated Somali Government Outlaws Teeth "Just To Make A Point"
Fri May 16 06:12:14 +0000 2014
Intel Denies Non-Specific Wrongdoing
Fri May 16 06:05:36 +0000 2014
INTL: Shadow Council Selects Captains of Longboat Fleet From Among Bravest, Mightiest Women, Men, and those Outside Inadequate Gender Binary
Fri May 16 06:04:49 +0000 2014
"It Heralds Naught, It Harms Little:" Treasury Denies Link Between Appearance of Flaming Skull, Ongoing Washington State Dollar Outage.
Fri May 16 06:01:34 +0000 2014
Flaming Skull Motif Replaces All Instances of U.S. Treasury Logo; "It Happens Sometimes," Says Unconcerned Secretary, Shrugging.
Fri May 16 05:59:34 +0000 2014
Putin Announces Intent to Conquer Sun
Fri May 16 05:57:45 +0000 2014
(cont'd) Interpreter would be responsible only for expelling netwraiths and other minor astral digi-pests.
Fri May 16 05:56:10 +0000 2014
CLARIFICATION: We do of course have a full-time ordained exorcist on staff, like all responsible news organizations.
Fri May 16 05:54:06 +0000 2014
New IP Addresses Lead "Somewhere Dark," Announces ICANN; Cautions Against Use
Fri May 16 05:42:38 +0000 2014
JOB OPENING: Computer-to-English Interpreter. Applicants must be able to experience at least three distinct emotions, perform exorcisms.
Fri May 16 05:41:41 +0000 2014
IPv4 Protocol Unexpectedly, Impossibly Gains Fifth Octet in Address Space, Report Incomprehensible Computer Scientists
Fri May 16 05:39:45 +0000 2014
(cont'd) Those responsible will be purged in accordance with ancient tradition.
Fri May 16 05:35:17 +0000 2014
NOTE: We have been advised that meeting minutes of Illuminati Inner Council are no longer Allowed. We regret the inadvertent heresy.
Fri May 16 05:34:36 +0000 2014
"Let's See You Hack THAT:" Illuminati Inner Council Grumpily Announces Plan to use Bone Telepathy for All Further Communications
Fri May 16 05:31:15 +0000 2014
Illuminati Inner Council "Wants To Know How We Keep Getting
Their
Meeting Minutes"
Fri May 16 05:30:01 +0000 2014
Illuminati Inner Council "Baffled" by Transphobia: "Who Hasn't Transplanted Their Brain Into Vat-Grown Body Before?"
Fri May 16 05:25:48 +0000 2014
NSA Confirms Bone Summit Obelisks Appear "Mercifully Inert"
Fri May 16 05:14:13 +0000 2014
Frantic Oceanographers: "It Just Keeps Getting Bigger"
Fri May 16 04:49:15 +0000 2014
Catch our EXCLUSIVE ILLUMINATI INTERVIEWS tomorrow at 6/5c! Disclaimer: All viewers may be abducted and brainwashed for secret purposes.
Fri May 16 04:46:32 +0000 2014
EXCLUSIVE ILLUMINATI INTERVIEW: Secretary General Ulikh Yoor, 19 eons, Talks Forbidden Fashion, Albanian Bone Markets, & Spider Fountains
Fri May 16 04:45:18 +0000 2014
"This Is Unspeakable:" Critics Pan New Abyssal-Adult Film
Fri May 16 04:38:56 +0000 2014
EXCLUSIVE ILLUMINATI INTERVIEW: Chief Inquisitor Balġeez Yakšeeš, 7'4", Describes "State-of-the-Art" Coercion, "Improvement" Methods
Fri May 16 04:36:14 +0000 2014
"You Must Not Let The Texts Divide You For You Shall Be Needed In The Coming Battle:" Maidens of Cold Sword Issue Sudden Press Release
Fri May 16 04:21:46 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Neo-Proto-Indo-European texts causing violent conflict in linguistics departments across nation; Chomsky reportedly "delighted"
Fri May 16 04:20:59 +0000 2014
"It's a god-damn warzone in there:" University of Oregon Linguistics Faculty Devastated by Internecine Conflicts
Fri May 16 04:13:38 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: PPP poll of suspected vampires reveals vampires do not actually exist. We regret the errors.
Fri May 16 04:07:08 +0000 2014
Shirtless, Clad in Deer-Skull Helm and Bearing Antlers Aloft, Obama Accuses Intel Of "Bone Heresy," Directs DOJ to Investigate
Fri May 16 04:05:11 +0000 2014
Naked and Bleeding, Intel CTO Cowers Before Virgin Mary Figurine; Begs for Forgiveness
Fri May 16 03:59:24 +0000 2014
"MECUM OMNES PLANGITE:" Foaming At Mouth, Ford CEO Invokes Devil Machine
Fri May 16 03:54:07 +0000 2014
Obama Administration Releases List of "Things That Come in Twos," Recommends All Citizens Memorize It Immediately, For Secret Reasons
Fri May 16 03:52:53 +0000 2014
JOB OPENING: Linguistics-to-English Interpreter. Must be certified Uncontaminated, present minimal flight risk. No bone heretics need apply.
Fri May 16 03:45:21 +0000 2014
"New Texts Exhibit Extensive Lexical, Syntactic Borrowing From Afro-Asiatic, Uralic Families" Say Linguists in Incomprehensible Statement
Fri May 16 03:43:57 +0000 2014
Linguists at U. of Oregon Caution Against Using Newly-Emerged Proto-Indo-European Corpus as Authoritative Source, as "Authenticity Unclear"
Fri May 16 03:39:34 +0000 2014
US Army Platoons Deployed Along Northern Border to Repulse Refugees, Onrushing Darkness
Fri May 16 03:36:25 +0000 2014
All References to Canada Vanish from Known Textbooks; Replaced with Lengthy Segments in Proto-Indo-European
Fri May 16 03:32:08 +0000 2014
Canada Disappears From All Maps, Replaced With Quivering Darkness
Fri May 16 03:31:25 +0000 2014
Democrats Announce 2016 Strategy: "
PIERCING SHRIEK
," "[WRATHFUL PHEROMONE EMISSIONS]"
Fri May 16 03:30:12 +0000 2014
Obama Dispatches Bone Sorcerers, Hovering Skeletal Shadows to Panama to Investigate Blood Canals
Fri May 16 03:27:44 +0000 2014
Illuminati Releases, Immediately Brutally Suppresses #Buddhagate Analysis
Fri May 16 03:25:59 +0000 2014
Putin, Medvedev Deny Involvement in "#Buddhagate", Blame "Ash Serpent" and "Clever Witches"
Fri May 16 03:24:03 +0000 2014
CORRECTION: All Virgin Mary figurines found facing east, eyes suddenly covered
Fri May 16 03:22:46 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
all known depictions of Buddha, Quetzalcoatl, and four other major religious figures found facing northwards
Fri May 16 03:21:09 +0000 2014
Federal Aviation Administration Releases Pamphlet: "37 Signs Your Fellow Passenger Might Be a Hijacker"
Fri May 16 03:19:14 +0000 2014
TOMORROW AT 4PM EST: Seven Signs Your City May Host A Vampire Infestation
Fri May 16 03:17:22 +0000 2014
Intel Times New Microprocessor Release to Coincide With Alignment of the Most Ancient Stars: Spokesman Declines To Comment
Fri May 16 03:13:56 +0000 2014
"Raise The Blue Banners:" Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Announce Campaign to Scour Earth of Celebrants of Yellow Defiler
Fri May 16 03:08:58 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Philosopher discovers source of all pain, found dead under mysterious circumstances during visit to GlaxoSmithKline headquarters
Fri May 16 03:06:29 +0000 2014
Eastern Oregon Wastelands Conquered by "Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword," "Benevolent Theocracy" to be Established
Fri May 16 03:03:38 +0000 2014
Analysts Predict "Coming of the Yellow Defiler"
Fri May 16 02:59:03 +0000 2014
MARKETS: Massive Increase in Demand For Chains, Iron Spikes
Fri May 16 02:56:51 +0000 2014
Panama Blood Canals Impassable Due to a "Mighty Thrashing;" Serious Economic Consequences Predicted
Fri May 16 02:55:24 +0000 2014
GOP Announces 2016 Strategy: "Ply the Secret Ways," "Invoke the Seven Sacred Names," "Depopulate Battleground States"
Fri May 16 02:49:21 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
There Are No Vampires in Glacier National Park
Fri May 16 02:44:20 +0000 2014
"MERDA BONA IST HIC:" Recursive Weed Named Official Recreational Drug of Illuminati
Fri May 16 02:42:09 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Prolonged exposure to gravity is known to cause Soul Cancer. Avoid sources of gravity whenever possible.
Fri May 16 02:37:43 +0000 2014
Hypothetical Famine Strikes Nevada; No Impact on Daily Life Expected
Fri May 16 02:32:48 +0000 2014
Hairdressers Possess "Dark Secret," Hint Bald Biologists from Undisclosed Location
Fri May 16 02:31:22 +0000 2014
Illuminati Seizes Recursive Weed Crops for "Research"
Fri May 16 02:23:45 +0000 2014
Newly Developed Colorado Recreational Drug Dubbed "Recursive Weed" by Terrified Growers
Fri May 16 02:20:22 +0000 2014
Eiffel Tower Thief Revealed as "Carmen Sandiego" Cosplayer; The Learning Company Threatens Lawsuit
Fri May 16 02:15:32 +0000 2014
New York City: Strange Men in Foil Suits Make Series of Menacing Proclamations, None of Which Can Be Accurately Remembered by Any Witnesses
Fri May 16 02:02:23 +0000 2014
Tourists Say They Have Met Shadow Council; Convinced of Threat, Forbidden Lands Will Dispatch Sturdy Longships to "Deal with the Situation"
Fri May 16 01:55:09 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Eiffel Tower Stolen Again; President Sarkozy Names "Poor Communication" as Primary Suspect
Fri May 16 01:52:03 +0000 2014
EXCLUSIVE: Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Reacts to US/Russia Diplomatic Slapfight - Interview Friday at 5pm EST
Fri May 16 01:47:25 +0000 2014
Putin: Kerry "Unnaturally Tall," "Precariously Coiffed"
Fri May 16 01:41:40 +0000 2014
"Expect Swift Retaliation:" Kremlin Reacts to State Dept. Bone Magic Statement Claiming Putin "Smells of Overripe Garbage"
Fri May 16 01:40:14 +0000 2014
New Recreational Drug Developed in Colorado Dust Zones; Each Field Must Be Struck by Lightning and Consecrated to Apocatequil in Dread Rite
Fri May 16 01:23:14 +0000 2014
EXCLUSIVE ILLUMINATI INTERVIEW: Agent Xi von Sturmhalten IV, 369, Describes Teleporter Kidnapping As "Kinky", Stresses Importance of Consent
Fri May 16 01:16:55 +0000 2014
State Department Oracle Names Seven New Bone Heresies, Punishments
Fri May 16 01:06:32 +0000 2014
Sec. Kerry: All Heretics Must Be Cleansed in Coming Months to Avert Terrible Prophecy
Fri May 16 00:49:13 +0000 2014
NORTH DAKOTA V. MCDANIELS: Supreme Court Debates Definition of "Eternal"
Fri May 16 00:43:54 +0000 2014
Lesser, Heretical News Source Meets Justly Earned Fate; Americans Nationwide Take to Streets in Righteous Jubilation
Fri May 16 00:40:55 +0000 2014
Flesh Council Commends Obama on Bone Cavern Summit in a Thousand Ancient and Terrible Voices
Fri May 16 00:37:41 +0000 2014
Google Reaches Settlement With Cartomancers; Maps Nationwide Returned to Functioning State
Fri May 16 00:16:33 +0000 2014
Tourists Report "Productive Discussion," Depart by Forbidden Helicopter
Fri May 16 00:14:01 +0000 2014
In Unprecedented Move, Illuminati Returns Tourists To Hospital Almost Entirely Unaltered
Fri May 16 00:11:55 +0000 2014
Supreme Council of Illuminati Meets Unexpectedly With Rescued Tourists By Teleportation Kidnapping
Fri May 16 00:10:37 +0000 2014
Teens Nationwide Baffled By Latest Adult Fads: "Hive Channeling", "Reverse Sex"
Fri May 16 00:07:56 +0000 2014
TONIGHT AT 8/7c: History's Greatest Murders
Fri May 16 00:01:29 +0000 2014
Forensic Sorcerers: Russian Bone Magic To Blame in Unearthly California Wildfires
Thu May 15 23:28:33 +0000 2014
IDAHO: Satellite Footage Shows 0-Mile Wide Non-Crater In Midst of Major Population Center
Thu May 15 23:23:27 +0000 2014
ELECTION 3016: Time-Travelling Pollsters Ask Obama, Hillary Clinton For Statements on "Mind Cisterns," "Space Pope," & "Hypersex"
Thu May 15 23:14:05 +0000 2014
CRUISE CATASTROPHE: Rescued Tourists Demand Meeting With Shadow Council of Forbidden Lands; "They Must Learn The Truth Behind The Boats"
Thu May 15 23:07:01 +0000 2014
INTEL DEATH: PDX Police Asking For Any Witnesses In Gruesome Death of Lead Microprocessor Architect To Please Report For Thought Extraction
Thu May 15 23:03:18 +0000 2014
POLICE: "Idaho Residents Should Not Avoid The Unaffected Area"
Thu May 15 22:59:48 +0000 2014
IDAHO NON-DISASTER: Lack Of Radiation Blamed in Approximately Zero Thousand Deaths
Thu May 15 22:58:54 +0000 2014
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If You Hear Thunderous Roaring From Any Bathroom, Your Ears May Be an Enemy Agent; Deal With Them Accordingly
Thu May 15 22:56:23 +0000 2014
UPDATE:
No Thunderous Roaring Sounds Heard In Any Restrooms, By Edict of Illuminati. We Regret The Error.
Thu May 15 22:54:11 +0000 2014
Thunderous Roaring Sound Emanating From Restrooms Across America
Thu May 15 22:51:27 +0000 2014
Government Announces Nationwide Blood Recall, Citing Only "Contamination"
Thu May 15 21:57:28 +0000 2014
Nationwide Cartomancer Strike Throws Navigation Into Chaos
Thu May 15 21:39:06 +0000 2014
Intel Issues Press Releases Promising Non-Specific Vengeance
Thu May 15 21:35:29 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Intel spokesman storms from press conference screaming "they lied, they all lied," "so much blood was paid for false promises"
Thu May 15 21:35:02 +0000 2014
Washington State Gov.: "Fleeing Inadvisable," "The Tracking Chips Have Been Activated and Disloyalty Will Be Punished"
Thu May 15 21:27:03 +0000 2014
Death Toll of Southwest Idaho Nuclear Non-Incident Reaches Zero
Thu May 15 21:20:37 +0000 2014
Occasional Mass Blood Sacrifice "A Small Price to Pay" to Respect America's
REDACTED
, Asserts Washington State Governor in Press Release
Thu May 15 20:37:24 +0000 2014
Florida Man Invents New Crime
Thu May 15 20:35:10 +0000 2014
Asked If Death of Processor Architect Related To THE INCIDENT, Intel Spokesman Becomes Agitated: "You Shouldn't Even Remember THE INCIDENT"
Thu May 15 20:30:43 +0000 2014
Accused of "Reverse Corporealism," Astral Spokeshorror Affirms Equal-Opportunity Devouring: "We Hate Each Other At Least As Much As You"
Thu May 15 20:29:27 +0000 2014
Intel Reassures Public New Processor Line "Completely Safe," "Uncontaminated"; Cautions Against "Lies & Deceit"
Thu May 15 20:17:30 +0000 2014
INTEL: Remains of Microprocessor Architect Found Hanging From Thousands of Trees, Report Portland, OR Police
Thu May 15 20:15:13 +0000 2014
Republicans Accuse Democrats of Anti-Rune, Anti-Capitalist Agenda, Reassert that Forbidden Runes are "Vital Part of American
REDACTED
"
Thu May 15 20:13:10 +0000 2014
Spokeshorror: "Rest Assured We All Hunger Relentlessly for your Doom, Even Those Condemned To Wander Outer Wastes Beyond Fifth Sphere"
Thu May 15 19:42:00 +0000 2014
Astral Beings Decry "Spectral" As Slur: "Used Only to Denigrate Beings Perceived as Less Inimical To Corporeal Existence"
Thu May 15 19:40:19 +0000 2014
FASHION: Dresses Made of Tattered Pages Torn From Ancient Holy Texts "Out," Cloaks of Flayed Human Skin "In," Report Sources
Thu May 15 19:34:02 +0000 2014
Texas Town Disappears From Recorded History After Changing Value of Pi by Legislative Act
Thu May 15 19:29:17 +0000 2014
"Well That's All Right Then:" #Abyssgate Revealed To Be Literal Gate To Abyss; Republicans Call Off Hearings
Thu May 15 19:20:56 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
First victim of newly-legal Oklahoma astral torment rituals Dwayne Carmichael Jacobson, 37, Noisy Neighbor and Rampant Misogynist
Thu May 15 19:14:12 +0000 2014
Forbidden Runes A "Leftover from Void Wars," Claims Party Chair, "US Economy No Longer Threatened by Russian Bone Magicks."
Thu May 15 18:54:06 +0000 2014
DOLLAR CRISIS: "This All Could Have Been Avoided if We Had Removed the Forbidden Runes from our Currency" Declares Democratic Party
Thu May 15 18:51:05 +0000 2014
Washington State Orders All Citizens to Report to Local Police Station for Standard Blood Sacrifice Lottery Procedures
Thu May 15 18:48:48 +0000 2014
ARBORIST TERROR: Tree-Punching League Militia Massacred in Brutal Pruning; Michigan Governor Declares Martial Law
Thu May 15 18:44:23 +0000 2014
"It's Not That Big A Deal:" Intel Announces Line of Multicore Processors, Laughs Nervously
Thu May 15 18:41:56 +0000 2014
Democratic Officials Accuse Summit Opponents of "
LOUD SCREECH
" and "[AGITATED CHITTERING]"
Thu May 15 18:38:05 +0000 2014
"Who's He Even Meeting With?" asks one Prominent Citizen. "Everyone Knows the Flesh Lords Speak Only Through the Nightmares of Madmen."
Thu May 15 18:33:48 +0000 2014
OBELISK
UPDATE:
Citizens Voice Anger over "Obeliskism," Demand English Transcripts of Bone Cavern Summit
Thu May 15 18:32:37 +0000 2014
@NewsNetwork6 this is America, not Obeliskia! English transaction or bust! #Wewantanswers #Thanksobama #Obeliskenglish
— @ousire
Thu May 15 18:31:09 +0000 2014
INTERACTIVE NEWS: Which of the Four Great Curses are you most likely to fall victim to? Find out the easy way with our simple quiz!
Thu May 15 18:24:55 +0000 2014
"There Can Be Nothing Wrong with the Forbidden Runes:" Angered Republicans Denounce Treasury Announcement as "Liberal Propaganda & Lies"
Thu May 15 18:21:10 +0000 2014
DOLLAR OUTAGE: Problems Traced to Third Forbidden Rune Inscribed On All U.S. Currency, Will Require Mass Blood Sacrifice
Thu May 15 18:18:54 +0000 2014
REMINDER:
Open Season on Dreamcrabs, Abyss Elk, and Lesser Mutants Begins Next Monday
Thu May 15 18:09:56 +0000 2014
House Leadership Floats Hog Blood, Festering Chitin Subsidies For Low-Income Americans as Compromise for Progressive Support of Trade Bill
Thu May 15 17:41:55 +0000 2014
Florida Man Arrested, Charged with 4 Counts of Psychic Assault; Attorney Blames "Witch Juice"
Thu May 15 17:29:58 +0000 2014
US Dollar Outage in Washington State: Dept. of Treasury Dispatches Repair Crews by Secret Tunnels
Thu May 15 17:25:42 +0000 2014
OBELISK
UPDATE:
Asked to Provide English Translation, Obama Demurs, Saying Only "The Old Words are the Only Truth, All Others Are Lies"
Thu May 15 17:19:31 +0000 2014
"We Would Like to Avoid Further Bloodshed:" Supreme Council of the Illuminati Issues Vague Threat
Thu May 15 17:15:32 +0000 2014
Republicans Report Difficulty in Delivering Court Summons to Nameless Jaguar Statue: "It Has Begun Teleporting Randomly" Announces Attorney
Thu May 15 17:00:55 +0000 2014
Four Feared Dead in Obelisk Translation Attempt. "The Words are How They Get In," Reports Only Known Survivor
Thu May 15 15:54:12 +0000 2014
CANADA CRISIS: Refugees Turned Back at Border. "All Things As They Should Be," Reports US Dept. of State, "It Could Not Be Otherwise."
Thu May 15 15:51:36 +0000 2014
REFUGEE CRISIS: Thousands of ex-Canadian Citizens Swarm Northern Border, Fleeing Something “Nameless and Hungry”, Reports Indicate
Thu May 15 15:40:23 +0000 2014
(cont’d) “Some Things Are Not Meant To Be Known,” Warns Dean
Thu May 15 15:38:10 +0000 2014
SUMMIT
UPDATE:
Linguistics Faculty at U. of Oregon Announces Obelisk Language Is “Proto-Indo-European,” Cautions Against Translation
Thu May 15 15:37:33 +0000 2014
Obama Issues Statement on Bone Cavern Summit Carved in Unknown Language on Five Massive Onyx Obelisks; Several Journalists Crushed
Thu May 15 15:35:11 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Canada Canceled, Say Sources
Thu May 15 15:30:33 +0000 2014
Dozens Feared Dead in Detroit Arborist Attack; American Tree-Punching League Announces Formation of Armed Militia
Thu May 15 15:02:56 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Obama may face retroactive primary challenge over bone cavern summit, announce time-traveling labor leaders
Thu May 15 14:59:47 +0000 2014
“That Fucker Knows What It Did:” Republicans Subpoena Ancient Nameless Stone Jaguar Sculpture in #Abyssgate Investigation
Thu May 15 14:57:31 +0000 2014
AFL-CIO Issues Press Release Consisting Only Of Words “WE TOLD YOU SO” in Red 128-Point Comic Sans
Thu May 15 14:52:53 +0000 2014
“They Are Angry and they Hunger:” N.J. Governor’s Office Issues Press Release Announcing Reawakening of Mesoamerican Deities
Thu May 15 14:52:03 +0000 2014
Visibly Agitated New Jersey Gov. Christie Orders Ōllamaliztli Tournament Held “On the Morrow” to Appease the Old Gods
Thu May 15 14:50:01 +0000 2014
American Medical Association Declares Breathing “Inadvisable”
Thu May 15 14:40:17 +0000 2014
MIT Refuses to Condemn Federal Raid; “We Do Not Want Them Back,” Announces Department Head.
Thu May 15 14:38:18 +0000 2014
“Do Not Trust The Hair:” Frantically-Shaven Biologists Issue Terrified Warning
Thu May 15 14:35:11 +0000 2014
Federal Agents Raid MIT Mathematics Department, Arrest Seven Topologists
Thu May 15 14:32:26 +0000 2014
EDITORIAL: There Has Been No Nuclear Incident in Southwest Idaho, and Any Who Claim Otherwise Should Be Reported to the Proper Authorities
Thu May 15 14:27:47 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Russia Claims Festering Chitin Import Ban “Politically Motivated,” Reaffirms Commitment to Incinerate West with Bone Magic
Thu May 15 14:24:51 +0000 2014
“You Are All Perfectly Safe”: In Response to PDX Fairy Incident, Fairy Queen Holds Press Conference to Reassure Public Fairies Do Not Exist
Thu May 15 14:11:34 +0000 2014
TRADE REVOLT: House Progressive Caucus Declares Cheap Hog Blood “Absolute Necessity” for Many Uninsured Americans
Thu May 15 14:09:28 +0000 2014
Democrats Accuse Republicans of Sabotaging Bone Cavern Summit with #Abyssgate Impeachment Hearings
Thu May 15 12:33:23 +0000 2014
"This will be Investigated by Our Most Skilled Inquisitors:" Obama Denies #Abyssgate Involvement
Thu May 15 12:31:40 +0000 2014
"It's time to rebuild the domestic witchcraft industry:" House Members Explain their Votes on Trade Bill
Thu May 15 12:01:12 +0000 2014
House Votes to Ban Import of Hog Blood, Festering Chitin
Thu May 15 11:57:47 +0000 2014
AFL-CIO Condemns Ritualized Electrocution of Underperforming Workers as "Aesthetically Displeasing"
Thu May 15 11:52:23 +0000 2014
California Coven Condemns Attacks on Transgender Equality, Accuses Opponents of "Courting Wrath of Flesh Lords"
Thu May 15 11:42:43 +0000 2014
"This Heresy will be Punished:" House Leadership Denies Allegations of Dam Sabotage
Thu May 15 11:37:49 +0000 2014
"An Important Step Forward:" Oklahoma Legalizes Astral Torment Rituals
Thu May 15 11:33:09 +0000 2014
Sony CTO Reaffirms Commitment to Teeth, Nightmares
Thu May 15 11:25:10 +0000 2014
Nation's Oracles Recommend Increased Virgin Sacrifices to Appease Economy
Thu May 15 11:18:22 +0000 2014
Federal Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals Facing Budget Cuts
Thu May 15 11:17:05 +0000 2014
"YOU HAVE DISOBEYED:" Washington Accuses Forbidden Lands of Hypocrisy in Harboring American Thought Criminals
Thu May 15 11:13:43 +0000 2014
INTERNATIONAL:
Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Votes to Increase Thought-Crime Penalties
Thu May 15 11:09:20 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
AFL-CIO releases statement condemning bone cavern summit, warns it will wake many who should remain sleeping
Thu May 15 11:01:18 +0000 2014
BONE CAVERN SUMMIT: Obama Warns of "Nameless Enemy," "Beasts of Slime and Shadow"
Thu May 15 10:56:52 +0000 2014
Five Arrested in Miami, Charged with Unlicensed Ineffability
Thu May 15 10:50:56 +0000 2014
Bone Fugue Insurance Premiums Reach All-Time High
Thu May 15 10:46:15 +0000 2014
"A
REDACTED
of our Heritage:" Senate Republicans Fight to Keep Forbidden Runes on US Currency
Thu May 15 10:44:48 +0000 2014
American Tree-Punching League Releases Annual List of Suspected Arborists; White House Mulls Martial Law
Thu May 15 10:32:08 +0000 2014
POLITICS: 7 Terrible Secrets Known Only to the US Postal Service and the Lords of the Dead
Thu May 15 02:58:02 +0000 2014
Senate Rejects “DRM-free Childbirth” Bill
Thu May 15 02:49:31 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
White House staffers indicted in “#Abyssgate" scandal; senators call for impeachment
Thu May 15 02:32:00 +0000 2014
"FORGIVE US:" Leading U.S. Senators Crucify Selves on White House Lawn to Protest Femur Tariffs
Thu May 15 02:27:40 +0000 2014
"We Have Discovered Where the Boats are Coming From:" Terrified Tourists Rescued from Drowning on Oregon Coast
Thu May 15 02:24:10 +0000 2014
FINANCE: Purchasing Power of Souls at All-Time Low
Thu May 15 02:21:01 +0000 2014
Neighborhood Noise Ordinances: Necessary Evil, or Flesh Lord Bone Conspiracy?
Thu May 15 02:16:21 +0000 2014
National Crime Day Canceled in Aftermath of Connecticut Crime Storms
Thu May 15 02:13:05 +0000 2014
Family Groups Lobby for Increased Funding of
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Thu May 15 02:09:11 +0000 2014
BREAKING:
Obama to hold summit in bone caverns; prepares "tribute for the flesh lords"
Thu May 15 02:05:08 +0000 2014
"A Fine American Tradition": We Interview Famous Ivy League Alums on Decline of Pain Cults
Thu May 15 02:01:45 +0000 2014
Pain Cult Membership at All-Time Low, report Ivy League universities
Thu May 15 02:01:23 +0000 2014
TONIGHT AT 11: "Hissing in the Night, Stalking the Nameless Beasts, and Finding Blood in Unexplained Places: the Warren G. Harding Story"
Thu May 15 01:58:12 +0000 2014
MIT Topologists Cancel Study of Sewer Systems: "We Were Wrong, So Terribly Wrong"
Thu May 15 01:42:47 +0000 2014
Tune In Tonight at 8/7c for "America's Most Abyssal" Sky Cube Awards
Thu May 15 01:39:57 +0000 2014
Meet the City with the Highest Number of Teeth Per Capita — It's Not the One You Think It Is
Thu May 15 01:35:54 +0000 2014