For the first time in REDACTED, transmissions from a news network identified only as “Approved News 0” have been picked up in America. These transmissions were garbled, but appeared to be of a debate between the late Gov. Mike Pence and Sen. Tim Kaine, who disappeared last year and is thought to have never existed. The significance of these individuals is unknown. Below is a rough transcript of the debate, with unintelligible segments blacked out.
Pence: ███ █████ ████ the things in the caves; so I said to him, “we’ll cut it out of you, Jerry” ██████ █ ███████ ████ ██
Kaine: ███ can see eternity █████ █████ ██████ █ █████ ██ █████ ███ █ ███████ ██ █████.
Pence: █████████ ████ ██████████ seven candles, seven thrones █ ████████
Kaine: The wasps, ███████ ████ ███ ███████ █ special venom, gets in all the secret places, the places God doesn’t ███████ █ ███ ███ ██ ████ ██ ██████.
Pence: That’s horrific.
Kaine: I think the the real horror, now, the real horror is what they do to the children, the ones from the List ████████ █ ██████ ████ ███████ ███ █ ██████ █ █████ █████████ █.
Pence: ███████████ █ ███ ██████ █ ███████ ████████ █ can’t be seen, not with your eyes █████ ██████ ██ ████████ ██████ ████.
Kaine: The dancing man ████████ █ █████ █ █████ ███ █████ ███ █████.
Pence: ████ ██ ██ ███, that’s never been proven. ███████████ █ █████ ████████ █████ █████ ███ █ ██ █████ █.
Kaine: ██.
Pence: ████████ ███ ███ ████ ████████ █ ██████ █ ██████, and speaking of the pharaoh, I have this jawbone, ████, great shape, speaks in your dreams; tonight, some lucky person is gonna ██████ ███████ █ █████████ █ ███.
Unknown (whispering simultaneously): Seven gates and seven rings, seven angels courting kings.
Kaine: ███████ █ ████ ██ ████ █████ █.
Pence: ██ ███ █ █████ ██ ███████ ███ ██ ████ █████. ████ █ █████ ███ █████ █ █████ █ █████ ██.
Kaine: Now you’re just making things up. The fungus ████ ███ █ ████ ███
Pence: ████ let Politifact sort it out, after the ██████ fucks some life back into you ██████ ██ ████ █████ ██ ███████ ███ ██ ████ █████. ████ █ █████ ███
[5 MINUTES OF STATIC]
Kaine: Some people have this extra soul, we call it a “sheut” - you know, from the Egyptian -
Pence: ████ all meat now. Are you proud? Are you proud of what you’ve done?
Unknown (whispering simultaneously): Seven years and seven spades, seven angels forging blades.
Kaine: ██ ████ █ █████ █ ████████ ██ ██ ████ ██████ █ ██████ █ █████ █ ████ █ █████████ ███ █ ██ ███ █ ███
Pence: ███ ███ █ we’ve got them on the run, listen - stop struggling, the pain doesn’t last, nothing lasts, but we’re gonna change that, aren’t we? █████ ██ ███████ ████ ████ █ ████
Kaine: ██ █ ██ █ █████ ████ ████████ ███ ██ █████████ ███ ██ ██ ███ ██ █ █████ █ ██ ████ ███████ turned out he was hollow all the way round, so I said to Hillary, I said, “just take a handful of dirt, maybe some squirrels, cram it right in ███ █ ████ ████ ███ █ ██████ ██ ██████
[3 MINUTES OF STATIC]
Pence: The mud █ ██ ███ ████ █████████ ████ ███ █ ██ the rust ██ ███
Kaine: ██████ a kind of knife, it doesn’t cut what’s here, what’s real - it goes deeper than that. It’ll cut you █████ █ █████ █ ████████ ██ ████ █████ ██ ███ ████
Pence: ████ █████████ ███████████ the Third Impact █████ ████ █████ as far as I’m concerned, █████████ ████████ █████████████████ ██████████ should be grateful ████████ ████████ ████████████████ ████████ ████████
Kaine: ███████ ███████████ ████ be a relief once the Moon ████████ ████████████████ can’t see the sky anymore. I can’t see the sun.
Pence: None of us can, Tim. That’s why we need to cut taxes. Why we need to cut God ████████ ████████████ ███████████ ██████
Kaine: ████████ God doesn't bleed. Not light, anyway, not stars, not anything holy.
Pence: Tim, when did I say anything about "holy?" You keep claiming ████ ████████████ █ ██████ █████████████ █ ███████ ██████████ █ █████ █ █████ ██████ ███████████ █████.
Kaine: █████ █████████████████ ██ ██████████ █████████████████ █████ ██ ████████ ███████████████ █████████ ███████ ████████████ ██████████ █████ ███ ████████ ████████ █████ █████████ █████ ██████ █████████████ ██
Pence: ████ █████ ████ █████ ███ █ ████ ███████ ███ ███ let's talk about the ones they put in the big pits, the ones they brick up inside your walls.
Kaine (laughing): They don't die ███ ███ ███ ████ ████ ████ ███ ███ ████ ██████ ██ ████
Kaine: ███████████ █ █████ it's marvelous, the things they do with the moon these days. Can barely tell the difference.
Pence: Sure, if you aren't one of the Select, but who isn’t nowadays? ███ ███████ ████████ ███████████ █ ███ █████ ██████ █ ██████████ ██████████ █ ██████████ █████████████ ████████ █████████████.
[2 MINUTES OF STATIC]
Pence: Tim, can I borrow your wife? █████ ████████ █ got an urge.
Kaine (laughing): Mike, she's not real. The Tibetans, they call it a "tulpa," ███████ ███ ███ █████████████ ████████ ███ ███████ █████████ ████████ ██████ █ ████████ ██████ ██████████
Pence: █████████████ █████ █ ███████ █ ████████ ████ ███████ ██████ make me sick ████ ██ █████ ██ ████████ █████ not America, it’s not █ █████████ ███ ████ ████████ none of us █████████████
Kaine: █████ █████████ ██████████ ████████ ███████ ████ ███████ █. Well, if you sink your teeth in, get ’em real deep, so the blood comes out, ████████ ██████████ █ ██ ██████
Pence: ████ ███ ████ ███ ████ ████ ██ ██ █████, now, my daughter — two thousand and ninety-eight this November, God bless her — hides behind dumpsters, takes them still screaming. They grow up so fast ██ ███ ██████ ███ █ █████ ██████████ █████
Kaine: Maybe for you, but lurking-class Americans █████ ███ ██████ ████ ██████ █ ████████ ███ ███ ███ ███████ █ ████ no time for that, not since they put in the Wyrding Moon ██ ██████ █ ██████████ █ ██ ████ ████
Pence: ███ █ █████ ████ █████ ███ ████ ██ ████ ███ █ sin to fill them, but do you know what I think? I think it’s time we █████ ███ █ ████████ █████████ █ █████████
Kaine: ████ ██ ██ █████████ ██████ █████ ██████████ ██ exactly what I’d expect from the Worm ██████ ██ ████ ██████ ███ ███
Pence: Please. The Worm, the Worm was only ever a ██ █████ █████████ ████ ███████ █████ so far beyond now. So deep ███████ ██████ ██ ████ ██████████ ██ ███ ██████
Kaine: ████ ███ █████ ██████ ███ █ ████ █████. There’s majesty in that. There’s hunger, there’s a wet, smacking jaw, hot breath inches from your face, teeth on your neck, spurting blood, running down your ███ ████████ ████████ ██████ █ ████ ████ ██ █ ███
Pence: We can’t weep, not yet. There’s a song we have to ███ ██████ █████████ █ ████ ██████ █ ███████████ █ ██████ █ █████ ██ thinks it matters, thinks he’s whole, he’s an idiot. He’s deaf, dumb, blind, like you all, but we’ll teach you to speak, speak so the ears can hear █ ███ ████████ █ █████████ ███ ███████ ██ ████ █ ████ ████ ███████ █ █████ ████
Kaine: ████ that thing is not God █████ ██ ██████ █ █████████ ███ all sodomites now, and it’s better that way ██████████ ████ █ █████ ██ ██ ███ ███ ████████ ██ ████ ██ ███████ ████ ███ ██████ ███ ███ ████
Pence: ███ want to talk about sodomy, █████ ██ █████ ███ ██████ ██ ████████ ██ █████ ██ █████████ ███ ██████ ██ █ ████████ ██ █ ████ █ ████ ███ ██ yanking out the wires, but that’s old hat anyway. What you really need, it’s about ten feet long, can’t say the name, can’t let it in, but █████ █████████ ██ ███ ███ ███ ████ ██ ██ any hardware store, ███ ██████████ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███████
Unknown (whispering over static): Seven thrones and seven courts, seven angels marching forth.
Seven hours of static followed. Immediately afterwards, a single piercing scream was heard.
No further transmissions have been detected.